“Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?”/“Tarzipan.”
"Tarzipan" is a portmanteau of "marzipan" (a confection popular at Christmas) and "Tarzan" (a man of the jungle). A joke was cited in 1978: Q: What swings about a…
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Catskill Mountains: “Catskill Mountains? Don’t cats kill mice?”
New York's Catskill Mountains name has been the subject of puns. "Catskill ice" was sold in New York City, but it was reported in 1855 that the letter "M" was being written…
“My fellow Americans”
"My fellow Americans" is often how a politician (such as a president or a senator) addresses the people of the United States. "My fellow Americans" has been cited in print since…
“I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil”
"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Now he'll only drink for EVIL. MT @KatMcKinley Randy Travis…
“When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder”
"Cold shoulder" originally meant cold cuts of meat -- not literally a person's shoulder -- but there's a popular cannibal joke: "What did the cannibal get when he was late…
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner”
American comedian and actor Jack Benny (1894-1974) was has been quoted with this golf gem (cited in print since at least 1959): "Give me my golf clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful partner,…
“The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal”
"Oar-Deal" (a pun on "ordeal") is a registered trademark since 1954 for an oar protector. A joke was cited on Twitter on September 28, 2012: "There was a big paddle sale at…
“The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless”
Saint Nicholas (sometimes called Santa Claus) had a pun on his name cited in 2006: "Does Santa have any money?""No. That's why they call him St. Nickeless!" A pun went…
“A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. ‘Sorry, only one carrion is allowed’”
Flight attendants often ask about "carry-on" luggage, and there's a pun: "A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at it and says,…
“He wears glasses during math because it improves division”
A popular math pun on the word "division" is: "He wears glasses during math because it improves division." The joke has been cited in print since at least 2001. Google Groups:…
Lack Toast And Taller Ant or Lack Toast In Toddler Ant (lactose intolerant)
"Lactose intolerant" is sometimes jocularly called "lack toast and tolerant." "Big Mistake of the Day: ...lack toast and tolerant ..." was cited in print in 1997.…
“Why do crabs never give to charity?”/“Because they’re shellfish.”
"Shellfish" sounds like "selfish," prompting the pun: Q: Why do crabs/lobsters/oysters never give to charity?A: Because they're shellfish. "You know why clams keep…
“Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist”
"RIP boiled/boiling water. You will be mist" is a jocular saying tha has been printed on many images. "Good bye, boiling water. You'll be mist" was cited on Twitter on May…
“Roommates say I steal a kitchen utensil, but it’s a whisk I’m willing to take”
For those who weally, weally weplace "r" with "w" in their speech, the following joke was cited on Twitter on February 17, 2010: "Thinking about robbing a kitchen. Might…
“A gymnast walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." "A gymnast walks into a bar, and is rendered hors de combat" was cited on Twitter…
“Don’t drink with ghosts. They can’t handle their boos”
"Boos" sounds like "booze," prompting the pun: "Don't drink with ghosts. They can't handle their boos." The joke has been cited on Twitter since December 9,…
Makers and Takers
Entry in progress -- B.P. The Wall Street JournalCOMMENTARYA Better Way Up From PovertyI've learned I was wrong to talk about 'makers and takers.' We have to do more to unwind the…
“Money frees you from doing things you dislike”
The Associated Press reported about New York-born comedian and actor and You Bet Your Life game show host Groucho Marx (1990-1997) during a visit to New York City in March 1958, when Marx said:…
“Long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks…today, it’s called golf”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Google Books20,000 Quips & QuotesBy Evan EsarNew York, NY: Barnes & Noble Books1995, ©1968Pg. 350:In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with…
“What is small, red and whispers?”/“A hoarse radish.”
A popular joke about horseradish is: Q: What is small, red and whispers?A: A hoarse radish. The joke was cited in he newsgroup uk.rec.gardening in 1997. Google Groups: uk.rec.gardeningGardening…