“No unfortunately, I cannot give you directions around the city I have lived in my entire life”

“Once you realize there are no calories listed on a bottle of wine, the rest of your life begins”

“Once you realize there are no calories listed on a bottle of wine, life is a lot more tolerable”

“When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him”

“When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the waitress tips him”

“When I eat at a restaurant, the waiter tips me”

“When I eat at a restaurant, the waitress tips me”

“When The Most Interesting Man in the World eats at a restaurant, the waiter tips him”

“When The Most Interesting Man in the World eats at a restaurant, the waitress tips him”

“Just a reminder that white chocolate is not chocolate and is in fact made of lies”

“Every chef on TV: Today I’m going to show you how to make something with simple ingredients everyone has…”

“If you cannot see the irony in having a gun ban enforced by men with guns…”

“White chocolate is not chocolate”

“White chocolate is not chocolate. It is a white lie!”

“If your crystal meth dealer has all of their teeth, they’re the cops”

“If your crystal meth dealer has all of their teeth, they’re the police”

Wrecking Everyone’s Future (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

“Life is like a door, never trust a cow because the sun is a tomato”

“Life is like a door, never trust a cow because the sun is not a tomato”

“Please burger, cheese” (restaurant order, a spoonerism for “Cheese burger, please”)

“Pleaseburger, cheese” (restaurant order, a spoonerism for “Cheeseburger, please”)

“When Chuck Norris eats at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him”

“Coke from a bottle and Coke from a can are two different drinks”

“Coke from a can and Coke from a bottle are two different drinks”

“A Coke from a bottle, a can and McDonald’s are 3 different drinks”

Port-au-Prince of America

“I have a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you think I’m sexy’...” (joke)

“Coffee!! Keeping stupid people safe since I got up this morning”

“Honk if you think I’m sexy” (bumper sticker)

“Coffee: Keeping other people safe since I had my first cup”

Beergasm (beer + orgasm)

“BEERGASM The Climactic Moment when you take the first sip at the end of the day”

“BeerGasm [noun] that little rush you feel after the first sip of a good beer”

“Why can’t elephants use computers?”/“Because they’re scared of the mouse.”

“Why couldn’t the elephant use the computer?”/“He was afraid of the mouse.”

“Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology and blame the planets”

“Stop blaming yourself or others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture”

“Stop blaming yourself and others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture”

Controligarch (control + oligarch)

“You’d think the crescent roll’s packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly”

“Can someone please fix bacon packaging? There has to be a better way”

“Can someone fix bacon packaging? This has gone on long enough”

“‘ur password is weak’ well so is my memory so plz let me keep it”

“Long story short… I need $1M”

“Imagine being drunk as a vegan you gotta come home and eat some celery sticks”

“If a hot girl messages you about crypto, block him”

“If a hot girl DMs you about crypto, block him”

“Coffee… It’s cheaper than a defense attorney”

“Pro-tip: If you are at the courthouse, always check behind the toilets for bribe money that hasn’t been collected yet”

“I survived the NYC earthquake” (April 5, 2024)

“Electric cars: A plan that doesn’t work to fix a problem that doesn’t exist”

“When vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. I will not be reading any replies to this tweet”

“If a hot girl texts you about crypto, block him”

“Government may be the only thing that can fail miserably and then get bigger as a result”

“If cops can execute you because they ‘saw a gun,’ you do not have the right to bear arms”

“Cheers to the people who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky bastards who get to meet us” (toast)

“Cheers to the people who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky ones who get to meet us” (toast)

“Cheers to the people who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky people who have yet to meet us” (toast)

“‘Your password is weak’ well so is my memory so plz let me keep it”

“It’s almost time for bed, so I guess I’ll just check my email, Etsy, Instagram, Facebook…”

“It’s almost time for bed, so I guess I’ll just check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…”

“*gently puts my mental health in rice*”

“Mfs who let the seat belt noise go off the whole ride be halfway retarded”

“It’s almost time for bed, so I guess I’ll just check my email, Pinterest,  Instagram, Facebook…”

“People who let the seat belt noise go off the whole ride don’t be right all the way mentally”

Controligarchy (control + oligarchy)

“My problem is that I think garlic powder goes on everything”

“With guns in the hands of the public, sure there will be tragedies, but without them there will be genocides”

“With guns in the hands of the public, there may be tragedies, but without them, there will be genocides”

“Gardening: Just another day at the plant”

“If you are a gardener, you can always put ‘Plant Manager’ on your resume”

“Gardening is just another day at the plant”

“If you are a gardener, you can always write ‘Plant Manager’ on your resume”

Black National Anthem (“Lift Every Voice and Sing”)

Negro National Anthem (now called Black National Anthem)

“The itsy-bitsy paycheck just post to my account. Down came the bills and wiped the money out”

New Beer’s Eve (April 6)

“Let’s stop sending money to the Middle East and let them hate us for free!”

“Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free”

“Only the feeblest of men take jobs in the government”

“I laugh stuff off cause prison don’t serve tequila”

“Sarcasm is just intelligence with extra gravy”

“Sarcasm is just intelligence dipped in hot sauce”

“Garlic powder and onion powder go on everything”

“Garlic and onion powder go on everything”

“Onion powder and garlic powder go on everything”

“Onion and garlic powder go on everything”

“Garlic powder goes on everything”

“My problem is that I think onion and garlic powder goes on everything”

Big Apple Airline (New York Air nickname, 1980-1987)

“If anything I post on my page offends you, blame your parents for raising a pussy”

“If anything on the internet offends you, blame your parents for raising a pussy”

“If anything I post offends you, blame your parents for raising a little bitch”

“I love having a job, I just hate going”

“Giant sized bag of candy: I’m resealable. Me: That won’t be necessary.”

“Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won’t be necessary”

“Solar eclipse glasses for sale. Only worn once”

“I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance. It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act”

“Just put salt on the napkin in this bar so the napkin doesn’t stick to the bottom of my drink…”

“Remember back before OnlyFans, when our moms sold Avon and Tupperware?”