“I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you’re in a good mood for like 27 minutes”

“You don’t really need a pilot’s license, What are they going to do, pull you over?”

“Don’t rob my tools. I need them to pay your benefits” (commercial vehicle sign)

“Don’t steal my tools. I need them to pay your benefits” (commercial vehicle sign)

“The tv told me that if I eat bugs and pay more money to the government the weather will be gooder”

“The TV told me that if I pay money to the government the weather will be gooder”

“The TV told me that if I eat bugs and enslave myself on behalf of the ruling 1% that the weather will get gooder….”

“TV said if I get all my booster shots, eat bugs, and get an electric car that the weather would get gooder”

“The TV told me that if I pay money to the government and accept totalitarian surveillance state the weather will be gooder”

“Every great injustice has been at the hands of someone just following orders”

“Birthplace:Earth Race:Human Politics:Freedom Religion:Love”

“You can’t set a Hallmark movie in Texas. Unexpected snow isn’t magical down here”

“You can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow isn’t magical down here”

“What did Santa say when he long castled in chess?”/“O-O-O.”

“May you be blessed with the spirit of the season, which is peace…”

“May you have the gladness of Christmas, which is hope…”

“Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray”

“Government is the violation of free will masquerading as the protection of it”

“Kissing a girl who smokes is like licking an ashtray”

“Headphones on. World off”

“Don’t throw a fit if your beach volleyball team is defeated. Nobody likes a shore loser”

“Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there”

“Temper gets you into trouble and pride keeps you there”

“Awesome has a flavor and its name is coffee”

“I wonder if the inventor of paper straws ever considered that they would be in prolonged contact with liquid”

“It’s only ‘Cancel Culture’ if it comes from the Cancella region of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Consequences”

“January (n.) A giant Monday”

“Ugh…January. The whole month is just a giant Monday”

“I love how we call it social media when 75% of us are either alone at home or on the toilet”

“I love how we call it ‘social media’ when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet”

“It’s OK, funds. I’m insufficient too”

“It’s okay, funds. I’m insufficient too”

“Nobody is equal to anybody. Even the same man is not equal to himself on different days”

“‘Gastronomy’ implies the existence of an occult science of gastrology”

“Auld lang syne implies the existence of auld lang cosyne and auld lang tangynt”

“A brew will see you through”

“Dear account balance: Wingardium Leviosa”

“Facebook is like a fridge…”

“Twitter is like a fridge…”

“Instagram is like a fridge…”

“Social media is like a fridge…”

“My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft”

“My bank account is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft”

“My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft”

“My account balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft”

“Money? I haven’t heard that name in years”

“Me: I want to travel. Bank account: Where? To work?”

“What do you call the head of a school of fish?”/“A Sardean.”

“Candy corn is the raisin of the candy world”

“Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race…”

“WARNING: To avoid serious injury, don’t tell me how to do my job”

“WARNING: To avoid injury, don’t tell me how to do my job”

“DANGER: Avoid serious injury. Don’t tell me how to do my job”

“The government is lucky that people never think”

“Cocktails are dangerous because it just tastes like juice and then you can’t walk”

“Cocktails are dangerous because it tastes like just juice and then you can’t walk”

“Cocktails are dangerous because they just taste like juice and then you can’t walk”

“They need to build golf courses for people who aren’t that into golf but just want to drink and drive”

“Sometimes when I’m bored, I drink some water just to shock my liver”

Avocado Toast

“Mornings are for coffee and contemplation”

“Evenings are for coffee and contemplation”

“BBQ is good. Blueberries are tart. If you don’t like Texas, well bless your heart”

“BBQ is tasty. Blueberries are tart. If you don’t like Texas, well bless your heart”

“BBQ is delicious. Blueberries are tart. If y’all don’t love Texas, well bless your heart”

“What do you call a dying airport computer?”/“A terminal terminal terminal.”

“You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold”

“I’m not drunk. Just avoiding potholes” (bumper sticker)

“Not drunk. Avoiding potholes” (bumper sticker)

“This is not Facebook and I am not your friend”

“The closer you get, the slower I drive” (bumper sticker)

“From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free”

“Palestine will be free from the river to the sea”

“New Driver—I brake for no reason” (bumper sticker)

“CAUTION: I brake for no apparent reason”

“WARNING: I brake for no apparent reason”

“Smoke tires, not drugs” (bumper sticker)

“I brake for no reason” (bumper sticker)

“Internet message boards? I’m all forum”

“My opinion of message boards? I’m all forum!”

“My problem is as soon as I get money my tastebuds become allergic to the food at home”

“Some of y’all are broke because once u get money, your tastebuds become allergic to the food at home”

“Winter Storm Warning! Careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend”

“Winter Storm Warning! Be careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend”

“I don’t wish people ‘Good morning.’ I just say ‘Morning,’ then it’s up to them…”

“I don’t wish people a ‘Good morning.’ I just say ‘Morning’ and what kind they actually have, is totally up to them…”

“I went outside today, it was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend it”

“Went outside today. It was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend”

“Is there life after death? Touch my car and find out” (bumper sticker)

“Is there an afterlife? Touch my car and find out”

“Winter is stupid”

“The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face?”

“Why do I live in a place where the air hurts my face?”

“The hot air hurts my face”

“The cold air hurts my face”

“How to dress for cold weather: 1. take your pants off 2. get back into bed”

“Does shivering count as exercise?”

“My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside”

“It’s disrespectful outside”

“Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using wind and solar power…”