“Once I started spending my own money, I realized mom was right. We do got food at home”

“All pets and some children must be kept on a leash” (sign)

“If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices”

“If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices”

“If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices”

“If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices”

“Be with someone who knows your coffee order”

“Happiness is a day called Friday”

“To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting”

“To be a successful fisherman you should get there yesterday when the fish were biting”

“Fishing business is simple. All you have to do is get there yesterday when the fish were biting”

Happy Minute (similar to “happy hour”)

“Who was the sweetest knight at the round table?”/“Sir Up.”

“You will never leave a bigger carbon footprint as the celebrities that lecture you about yours”

“Let Friday show you where the smiles are in life”

“Which knight loved eating pancakes at the round table?”/“Sir Up.”

“Having 2 incomes is better than 1 when buying a home so make sure your partner is working two jobs”

“The stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up”

“Federal Reserve Note: Monopoly money backed by the violence of the state”

“The scariest part of that song ‘Born to be Wild’ is when they find a head out on the highway”

“You will never leave a bigger carbon footprint than the celebrities that lecture you about yours”

“I’m seeing way too many plus size vegans… ARE Y’ALL FRYING THE LETTUCE?”

“I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by”

“I wasn’t sure what to make for dinner, so I opened a bottle of wine and now I don’t care”

“I wonder how much money I could save if I wasn’t a fucking idiot”

“In high school, our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was…”

“Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs”

“The only entitlement I expect from my government is freedom”

“90% of the regrets in my life involve alcohol and the ‘send’ button”

“Sunday is a day to thank God for all His blessings of the last week”

“See life through the lens of a Sunday morning and everything will be easy”

“Each cup of tea represents an imaginary voyage”

“Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They’re usually paramedics, but new people”

“Mary has 2 glasses of wine. She drinks 1 and buys 2 more. What does Mary have now? Happiness”

“Sunday, the day for the language of leisure”

“My pee smells like coffee”

“Jackie has 2 bottles of wine. She buys 2 more. What does Jackie have now? Happiness”

“Every time I jog, I meet new people. Of course, they’re usually paramedics”

“I used to see a life coach quite frequently… back then they were called bartenders”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Illinois”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in New York and California”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in New York City”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in California and New York”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Florida”

“Looking like shit increases the chance of seeing someone you know at the shops by 90%”

“I used to see a life coach pretty frequently, back when they were called bartenders”

“Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in California”

“Looking like crap greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%”

“Looking like shit increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%”

“My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!”

“My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!”

“If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine and yoga pants, you’re doing it wrong”

“I tried to go to a moving sale today, but I couldn’t catch up to it”

“Today’s Monday is sponsored by coffee”

“I’ll take a coffee with my sunshine”

“It’s Monday: Get up. Drink coffee. Be happy. Do great things. Stay positive”

“If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine and yoga pants, you’re doing it wrong”

“This Monday is sponsored by coffee”

“I’ll take coffee with my sunshine”

“Three little words: mar gar ita”

“Strawberry shortcake implies the existence of strawberry tallcake”

“I wish the bags under my eyes had money in them”

“Does the existence of music theory imply the existence of music conspiracy theory?”

“Food courts imply the existence of food judges, food juries and food executioners”

“Food courts should have food lawyers and food judges”

“Food courts imply the existence of food jails”

“Food courts imply the existence of food prisons”

“A food court implies the existence of food crime, and a food judicial system”

“Food courts imply the existence of food jesters”

“The road to truth is paved with lost friends and offended strangers…”

“If I had any self-control, I’d probably eat that, too”

“Soup is dinner cereal”

“Modern Education: Creating people who are smart enough to accurately repeat what they’re told”

“A mimosa is just a socially acceptable breakfast screwdriver”

“Hash browns are just breakfast tater tots”

“I’m pretty certain if I had any self-control today, I’d probably eat that, too”

“Oatmeal is just breakfast rice”

“Hashbrowns are just breakfast tater tots”

“You know you’re getting old, when you look at the clock to see if it’s late enough to go to bed”

“Beware of…well…just beware”

“Tofu are savoury marshmallows”

“No Trespassing. We’re tired of hiding the bodies” (sign)

“Scallops are just savory marshmallows”

“Tofu are savory marshmallows”

“Moon Pies are just uncooked s’mores”

“Tofu is just savoury jello”

“Sesame seeds are just savory sprinkles”

“Tofu is just savory jello”

“Croutons are the Lucky Charms marshmallows of salad”

“Mallomars are only sold in New York and New Jersey and nobody else knows what they are”

“Canadian Mallomars are called Whippets”

“Mallomars are Tunnock’s Tea Cakes without the fancy wrappers”

“Mallomars are the unofficial official food of the Jewish New Year”

“Moon Pies are basically s’mores in different flavors”

“Croutons in salad are the adult version of marshmallows in Lucky Charms”

“S’mores are just hot Moon Pies”

“Moon Pies are just cold s’mores”

“S’mores are inside out Moon Pies”

“Moon Pies are inside out s’mores”

“Mallomars are just cold s’mores”