“Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying…..he said canned goods”

“Fruit by the Foot must sound like a really gross candy to places that use the metric system”

“What do millennial chemists eat for breakfast?”/“Avogadro toast.”

“Corndogs imply the existence of corncats”

“What part of libertarianism bothers you?” (meme)

“Cops can’t take your drugs if you take them first”

“If Halloween’s her favorite holiday, she’s probably mentally unstable”

“Interesting… It says here that the good guys have won every single time. Lucky us!” (history)

“This year for Halloween I’m dressing up as freedom. This seems to be what people are afraid of”

“Corn dogs imply the existence of corn cats”

“If I can hear you chew, I’ve fantasized about your death”

Avogadro Toast (Avogadro constant + avocado toast)

“What do hipster chemists have for breakfast?”/“Avogadro toast.”

“God is a frequency. Stay tuned”

“Avocado Toast + Mole Sauce = Avogadro Toast”

“Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families”

“If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone”

“I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but.. I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast”

“God is a frequency that exists within you. Tune in”

“If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death”

“If found, please return to the pub”

“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for you”

“If found, please return to pub”

“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about you”

“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for me”

“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about us”

“When someone accuses you of wearing a tinfoil hat, tell them it’s better than wearing a blindfold

“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about your health”

“If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but my wife”

“Funny how we were all raised not to be peer pressured into taking experimental drugs, and now…”

“I’m LEAVING this group! But first I’m gonna POST about leaving this group” (Facebook joke)

“I called my stockbroker today and asked him, ‘What are you buying?’ He said, ‘Canned goods’”

“I’m leaving Facebook! But first I’m going to post that I’m leaving Facebook”

“‘I love turning the clocks back so it gets dark by 4 pm’ Said no one ever”

“Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what should I be buying? He said, ‘Canned goods’”

“I’m Leaving Twitter! But first I’m gonna TWEET about leaving Twitter!”

“If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but wife”

“With the end of daylight saving time, we can all enjoy watching the sun set as we eat lunch”

“The average home has two washing machines: 1) The real washing machine, and 2) Television”

“If found drunk, please return to wife”

“Talk is cheap because the supply always exceeds the demand”

“Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good at coffee”

Black Girl Magic Row (Tompkins Avenue, Bedford-Stuyvesant)

“What is a coffee bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?”/“Roast.”

“What do you call a Russian with Covid?”/“Nastikof.”

“Supposedly, this cow was farting a lot and ruining the environment. So I ate it. You’re welcome”

“What do you call a Russian with Covid?”/“Kalashnicough.”

“Brooklyn of Seoul” (Seongsu-dong, South Korea)

“Safe and effective is not a lie. It’s two lies”

“Brooklyn of Tokyo” (Daikanyamach?, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan)

PayPutz (PayPal nickname)

“A life without brisket is a life not worth living”

“Coffee: Keeping the crazy at bay for another day”

“If you don’t know what ‘prefix’ means, don’t worry—it’s not the end of the word”

“If you trust your government, then your history teacher didn’t do their job”

“It’s okay if you don’t know what ‘prefix’ means. It’s not the end of the word”

“If you trust your government, your history teacher didn’t do his job”

“Maple syrup is just boiled tree blood”

“If you trust your government, your history teacher didn’t do a good job”

“Safe and effective is now sudden and unexpected”

“Have you been called conspiracy theorist in 2020? You may be entitled to an apology”

“Have you or a loved one been called a conspiracy theorist? You may be entitled to an apology”

“Happiness is not having to set the alarm for the next day”

“Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purty mouth”

“Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purdy mouth”

“No Noise November. Everyone shut the fuck up”

“No Noise November. Everybody shut up”

“No Noise November. Everybody shut the fuck up”

“I just need to see a few more campaign ads and then I think I’ll be ready to make a final decision”

“No Noise November. Everyone shut up”

“Coffee now comes in five sizes: small, medium, large, extra large and Monday morning”

“Coffee should come in four sizes: small, medium, large and Monday”

“Study finds that hearing an opposing viewpoint causes no real harm”

“Why did the minus sign run for office?”/“To make a difference.”

“The minus sign ran for office to make a difference”

“I gave up my freedom to get my freedom back and I’m still not free and it’s all your fault”

“I gave my freedom away to get my freedom back and I’m still not free and it’s all your fault”

“It’s impossible to make half a sandwich”

“The existence of unsalted saltines suggests the existence of salted unsaltines”

“You can’t make a half sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small s.”

“You can’t make half a sandwich”

“A new study has shown that the best time to brew a pot of coffee is right freaking now”

“Unsalted saltine crackers should not exist”

“Unsalted saltines should just be called ines”

“Unsalted saltines should just be called unsaltines”

“Unsalted Saltines should be called Justines”

“Unsalted saltines should just be called plaintines”

“Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my part”

“This is it, Charlie Brown, if you vote one more time, there will be real change!”

“Soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie”

“What if they’re not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe”

“What if they aren’t stars at all, but holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe”

“Blended soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie”

“What if they’re not stars? What if they’re holes poked in the top of a container so we can breathe”

“Puréed soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie”

“u believe in stars? fool. those are the holes poked in the container so we can breathe”

BFD (Black Friday Deal)

“Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down”

“Unlike men, a margarita hits the spot every time”

“Unlike a man, a margarita hits the spot every time”