“It’s all fun and games until someone loses a tooth. Then it’s hockey”

“If the cops have no duty to protect you, then the only point of their existence is…”

“Gas station car washes are the McDonald’s ice cream machines of traveling” (often broken)

“What is Bigfoot’s favorite exercise?”/“Sasquats.”

“The adult version of the ice cream machine being broken at McDonald’s is the car wash being broken”

“On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell”

“At least my coffee won’t get cold in hell”

“The kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it”

“Unwritten rule of the internet: If your debating someone, you better have proper grammar…”

Big Apple Flag (North American Vexillological Association, 1983)

“This kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it”

“My kitchen was clean last week. Sorry you missed it”

“My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it”

“Coffee: The daytime stumbling, stretching, yawning, dragging, cotton mouthed, gulping…”

“A game of solitaire is probably one of the slowest ways to sort a deck of cards”

“I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the government”

“What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?”/“Floor d’oeuvres.”

Floor D’oeuvre (floor + hors d’oeuvre)

“Which fruit is the father of all fruits?”/“Papaya.”

“Who’s the father of all fruit?”/“Papaya.”