“Cigars, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants… I think I might be a vegetarian!”

“Beer, whiskey & weed are all made from plants… I think I might be a vegetarian!”

“Tobacco, weed, beer and whiskey are all made from plants… I think I might be a vegetarian!!”

“Some things in life are okay to be left unfinished. Wine is not one of them”

“Coffee is just cocaine for poor people”

“And to the republic for Richard Stands” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“And to the republic for Richard Stanz” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“I pledge a lesson to the frog” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“I pledge a lesion to the flag” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“And to the republic for Richard Sands” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“I pledge a legion to the flag” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“And to the republic for witches dance” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One nation, invisible” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One naked individual” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One nation and a vegetable” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One nation in a dirigible” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One nation, under guard, invisible” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“One Asian, in the vestibule” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“With liver tea” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“With little tea and just rice for all” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

“Southerners saying ‘sweet Jesus’ implies the existence of umami Jesus, spicy Jesus, sour Jesus”

“Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you’ll need. Better safe than sober”

“Put the politicians on minimum wage and watch how fast things change”

“The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules…”

“I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization…”

“The official flag of 2020” (a face mask on a flagpole)

“If you ever want to quit drinking, eat Twizzlers. They’re not alcohol, but they’re liquorish”

“The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people”

“Jonathan and Granny Smith fell in love and lived appley ever after”

“Two apples met, fell in love and got married. They lived appley ever after”

Applely Ever After

“Adam and Eve lived appley ever after”

Appley Ever After (Apple-y Ever After)

“A loaf of bread is really just a deck of carbs”

“What do you call 52 slices of bread?”/“A deck of carbs.”

“What do you call 52 pieces of bread?”/“A deck of carbs.”

“Oh sweet Jesus. Oh sour Jesus. Oh BBQ Jesus. Oh cool ranch Jesus. Oh Doritos locos tacos Jesus”

“What is a chef’s favorite soft drink?”/“Baking soda.”

“Sweet Jesus implies there is an existence of spicy Jesus, salty Jesus and sour Jesus”

“Invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return”

“Always buy the bigger bottle… Better safe than sober”

“If only closed minds came with closed mouths”

“Always get the big bottle. Better safe than sober”

“My advice is to invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return”

“Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute”

“Hey, remember when you didn’t need coffee to function and your back didn’t hurt?”

“José, can you see” (“Star-Spangled Banner” mondegreen)

“God shared his grapes with me” (“America the Beautiful” mondegreen)

“April showers bring mud puddles”

“I don’t understand why banks get upset when you can’t repay a loan…” (joke)

“I went fishing on the weekend and used liquorice for bait. I caught allsorts”

“I went fishing using liquorice as bait. I caught all sorts”

“Herbal tea tastes so much better when it’s coffee”

“Why do the police use drug-sniffing dogs rather than sober ones?”

“You may test that assumption at your earliest convenience”

“Test that assumption at your earliest convenience”

“You may test that assumption at your convenience”

“Let’s keep the dumbfuckery to a minimum today”

“April showers bring mud”

“The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis”

“I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower…”

“No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday”

“I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart…” (joke)

“How do you turn a bee into an atheist?”/“You smack the beejesus out of them.”

“Pairing wine is easy. Me + a glass of wine = a pair”

“Oh beautiful for spaceship skies” (“America the Beautiful” mondegreen)

South Brooklyn’s Secret Suburb (Ditmas Park, Brooklyn)

Brooklyn’s Secret Suburb (Ditmas Park, Brooklyn)

“Sunday night is just pure panic about Monday morning”

“If you’re paying $3 for a bottle of smart water, it isn’t working”

Waccabuc: New York’s Secret Suburb (nickname)

“Putting ketchup on your mac n cheese should lower your credit score”

“April showers bring May mud”

“I’ve just found out that my Indian name is Chugalottajava”

“And crown thy good Red Riding Hood” (“America the Beautiful” mondegreen)

“And crown thy good with Robin Hood” (“America the Beautiful” mondegreen)

“At this point, your blood is either boiling or clotting”

“Putting ketchup on your eggs should lower your credit score”

“The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands”

“I just found out my Indian name is…chugalottajava”

“At this point, either your blood is boiling or it is clotting”

“Real Targét has to be from the Targét region of France, otherwise, it’s just sparkling Walmart”

“It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream…”

“Putting ketchup on your steak should also affect your credit score”

“Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?”

“Ramen noodles are alphabet soup in cursive”

“Ramen is just alphabet soup in cursive”

“Spaghetti is just alphabet soup in cursive”

“Putting ketchup on your steak should lower your credit score”

“Cup of Fuckoffee: 1 splash of no one cares. A dash of kiss my ass. Add some fuck yous”

“Fuckoffee—Slang used to to tell someone to go away, be quiet, or don’t ask me questions…”

Stresspresso (stress + espresso)

Fuckoffee (fuck off + coffee)

“Good morning, I’ll take a large iced fuckoffee with a shot of stresspresso”

“Why is it gayer there? Lindsay’s the mayor there, Fun city, fun city, the one city for fun”

“April showers bring May mud puddles”

“Why did the bigamist cross the road?”/“To get to the other bride.”

“Censorship is the life blood of neoliberalism”

“Why did the polygamist cross the road?”/“To get to the other bride.”

“Easter egg hunts are proof that your children can find things when they really want to”