“Dear God, thank you for these noodles. Ramen”

“May everything you want this weekend be within reach of the couch”

“What kind of running means walking?”/“Running out of gas.”

“4am is the time of day you’re either awake very late or very early”

“Today is April Fools’ Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day” (April 1)

“4am is when it changes from very late to very early”

“April Fools’ Day. Believe nothing and trust nobody. Just like any other day”

“If you need a vaccine passport to ‘return to normal,’ you’re not returning to normal”

“Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day” (March 31)

“The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together…”

“A bagel is just a savory donut”

“April 1st: the only day people critically evaluate things on the internet before believing them”

“What baseball team would a dentist play for?”/“The Yanks.”

“April Fools’ Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!”

“What baseball team do dentists root for?”/“The Yanks.”

“Now that April Fool’s day is over, everything on the internet is true again” (April 2)

“Does anyone know where I can get an extended car warranty?”

“April Fool’s Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles”

“What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?” (joke)

“Does anyone know where i can get an extended warranty for my car?”

“You might as well go ahead and pronounce the ‘G’ in ‘lasagne.’ Nothing matters anymore”

“You might as well just pronounce the ‘L’ in ‘salmon.’ Nothing really matters anymore”

“Fact checkers didn’t exist until the truth started coming out”

“You might as well go ahead and pronounce the ‘G’ in ‘lasagna.’ Nothing matters anymore”

“Fact checkers didn’t exist until the truth started to get out”

“Fact checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out”

“You might as well go ahead and pronounce the ‘P’ in ‘raspberry.’ Nothing matters anymore”

“Fact checkers didn’t even exist until the ugly truth started to get out”

“Omelettes are just egg quesadillas”

“Absolute safety enslaves absolutely”

“Quiche is like a baked omelet in a pie shell”

“Aioli have eyes for you”

“Omelets are just egg quesadillas”

“Innocent until proven guilty has become sick until proven healthy”

“An omelette is just an egg quesadilla”

“An omelet is just an egg quesadilla”

“When did innocent until proven guilty become sick until proven healthy?”

“What did the garlic dip say to the French fries?”/“Aioli have eyes for you.”

“It’s not a Sunday unless you totally waste the whole day”

“Sick until proven healthy is no less tyrannical than guilty until proven innocent”

“My swear jar could finance the fucking space program”

“Welcome to spring in Canada, where no matter what jacket you pick, you’re wrong”

“Educated people are hotter because they have more degrees”

“I thought I liked seeing movies, but turns out I like eating candy in a dark room”

“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or foreplay, then I’m out of advice”

“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, sex, money or booze, you’re kinda fucked”

“If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I’m out of advice”

“Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you’re wrong”

“Graduates are hotter because they have more degrees”

“The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out”

“Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator”

Big Apple (cannabis)

“My favorite outdoor activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in”

“Arroz by any other name would smell as wheat”

Big Apple Cake (cannabis)

“My favorite outdoors activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in”

“Statistically, a gun is far less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator is”

“I buy store brand Spanish rice, not name brands. As they say, ‘Arroz by any other name…’”

“I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end”

“I need to get back in shape, but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end”

“What do you call a carnivorous weatherman?”/“A meat-eater-ologist.”

“This year, 4/20 falls on taco Tuesday. This is it people. This is what we’ve been training for”

“The dust on Doritos and cheese puffs is chip keef”

“Caution: When someone says get a grip, apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant”

“What do you call a building filled with guitar players?”/“Jail.”

Arkansas: “Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates”

“Jesus wasn’t a socialist. He actually fed people”

“What do you call a building full of guitarists?”/“Jail.”

“What do you call a building full of guitarists?”/“Prison.”

“This pandemic ain’t over until Costco starts serving free samples again”

Chip Keef (Chip Kief)

Chip Kief (Chip Keef)

“If I say ‘I’m hungry,’ we got about 27 minutes until I’m a different person”

“My posts were removed. Someone took a fence”

“Goat cheese is the GOAT cheese”

“If I say ‘I could eat,’ we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person”

“I always regret making a good first impression. Because there’s no way I can keep that up for long”

“I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up”

“All the young people today are stealing bus stop signs. Where do they get off?”

“Fun fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass”

“If .com websites use cookies, should .co.uk sites use biscuits?”

“If American websites use cookies, do British websites use biscuits?”

“‘I can’t fix my life. But I can fix the world,’ said the socialist”

“If you eat donuts fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re jogging”

“If you eat cookies fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re running”

“If you eat tacos fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re walking”

“Do biscuits websites use cookies?”

“If you eat cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re walking”

“There are three kinds of mathematician: those who can count and those who can’t”

“There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t”

“The truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged”

“What kind of cells get drafted for war?”/“Diploid.”

“4:20 could also be called high noon”

“I don’t need sex because the government fucks me every day”

“What is the difference between noon and high noon?”/“Weed.”

“What happens when a normal cell goes to war?”/“It becomes diploid.”

“You want men to stop staring at your boobs? Eat a banana”

“What is the difference between noon and high noon?”/“One is at 4:20.”

“What’s really selfish is expecting other individuals to surrender their liberties…”

“What can you fold, but not crease?”/“A poker hand.”