“Dogs have owners, cats have staff”

“‘I know a word that uses all six vowels including ‘y’ in alphabetical order,’ said Tom facetiously”

“Why can’t you trust an Everything Bagel?”/“They’re pretty seedy!”

“Handcrafted soap is the best. No lye”

“You want to see social distancing? Lend them some money”

“If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?”

“Handmade soap is the best. No lye”

“Dogs have masters, cats have staff”

“Do not make your mask from masking tape”

“How do you color a cactus?”/“With a Sharpie.”

“My ex tried to get my baby marijuana plants, but I was granted joint custody”

“I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”

“What should you use to fix your mask if it breaks?”/“Masking tape.”

“Who decided to call it ‘marijuana possession’ and not ‘joint custody’?”

“I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”

“Is this real life or is this just Fanta sea?”

“Sloppy joes are just drunk hamburgers”

“I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea”

“How do you make extra virgin olive oil?”/“Use extra ugly olives.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.”

“Do you need a current license to drive an electric car?”

“In Texas, ‘hot yoga’ is just called ‘yoga’”

“Folks are mad at exactly one half of the ruling class and insist the other half will save us”

“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept”

“Texas is like hot yoga without the yoga”

“Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?”/“Because they’re seedy.”

“‘There are no words in English that have all vowels in alphabetical order,’ he said facetiously”

“If I’m not home accepting what I can’t change, I’m probably out changing what I can’t accept”

“Why shouldn’t you trust watermelons?”/“They’re seedy.”

“Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?”/“They’re seedy.”

“Noah was a conspiracy theorist until it started to rain”

“Ah, nothing like the smell of freshly brewed magical psychotic rage stabilizer in the morning”

“Ever wonder how one little dog controls so many larger and stronger sheep? Fear”

“May your coffee, pelvic floor, intuition and self-appreciation be strong”

“Have you ever wondered how just one little dog controls so many sheep? Fear”

“How do they have their pasta in Hell?”/“Al Dante.”

“Regular workers must wear small face shields. Managers get to use the super-visors”

“An Italian restaurant served pasta cooked out of the eighth circle of hell. It was al Dante”

Al Dante (al dente + Dante Alighieri)

“I like to cook my pasta al Dante. I boil the hell out of them”

“Meatballs are bite-sized meatloaf”

“What’s the difference between a rabid dog and a hot dog?” (riddle)

“The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece”

“A meatball is just a bite-sized meatloaf”

Disappearance Ticket (desk appearance ticket)

“How can you tell if a rice cake is stale?”

“The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace”

“I can’t tell if this rice cake is stale or not. Because it’s a rice cake”

“Lord, whatever you’re baking outside, it’s done” (heat joke)

“5Q + 5Q = ?”/ “10Q.”/ “You’re welcome.”

Chin Sail (face mask)

“Why was the circle depressed?”/“She thought her life was pointless.”

“What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?”/“Live stream.”

Flu Fence (face mask)

“What did the triangle say to the circle?”/“You’re pointless!”

“They now say exercising for at least one hour a week can half your chances of getting Alzheimer’s”

“Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a cheesecake”

“I like to paint peas in a cage. I’m a trapped peas artist”

“My acrobatic friend likes to paint caged petit pois. He’s a trapped peas artist”

“The streets are desserted. Cake and ice cream everywhere”

“I will not wear someone else’s fear” (anti-facemask saying)

“My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer…” (joke)

“What’s the difference between a bad dog and a hot dog?” (riddle)

“Why did a lost grizzly walk into a jewelry store?”/“Because he had to get his bear rings.”

“I’m single AF and the AF stands for And Fat. I’m just single and fat”

“What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?” (riddle)

“Any room is a panic room if you have lost your phone in it”

“My mask protects you. Your mask protects me”

“Your mask protects me. My mask protects you”

“When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified”

“You can’t learn to swim in a library”

“Fruit, like people, have bellybuttons where they were plucked”

“What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?”/“A Lyft.”

“What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?”/“An Uber.”

“Coffee—when your brain needs a hug”

“Studying abroad? Take the broad out to dinner before you study her”

“You can’t learn to swim by reading a book”

“Did you get a haircut?”/“No, I got them all cut.”

“I bought a book called ‘Mathematics for dummies.’ All the answers were wrong”

“What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?” (riddle)

“If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where it isn’t allowed”

Pennsylvania: “Where do pencils come from?”/“Pencil-vania.”

“I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick”

Sam ‘n’ Ella (salmonella)

Sam and Ella (salmonella)

“I’m no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I’m changing the things I cannot accept”

“First coffee, then on to today’s episode of ‘Now what?’”

“When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines”

“These days you can’t even say ‘black paint’ any more” (NSFW joke)

“What do you call a drunk blonde?”/“A taxi.”

“What do you call a cross-dressing bellhop?”/“A trans-porter.”

“Polonaise is Polish mayonnaise”

“When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook”

“Every meal is a happy meal if you leave your kids at home”

“What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?”/“Cool ranch!”

“In a zombie apocalypse, vegans will be the first to be eaten because they’re organic”

“Pretty weird how we are all living in a time where not going to the gym is considered healthy”

“‘Why are you late?’ my teacher asked” (school joke)

“I think we need to stop calling it ‘working from home’ and start calling it ‘living at work’”

“If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where there isn’t any”