Chip Butty

Bum Rap (undeserved criminal punishment)

“Yankee, go home!”

“What’s a web designer’s favorite tea?”/“URL Grey.”

“What did they call the loudest knight of all?”/“Sir Roundsound.”

“What’s a web developer’s favorite tea?”/“URL Grey.”

“If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s very humerus”

Gay Street (Greenwich Village)

“At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill. Got weird looks, so I started jogging instead”

“The person who would proof read Hitler’s speeches was a grammar Nazi”

“I went to the grocery store. The sign said ‘no food or drink inside.’ So I went home”

“My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot. Ouch”

TINA (There Is No Alternative)

Grammar Nazi

“If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team”

“If it looks good, it flies good” (aviation adage)

“I’m on cloud wine”

“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day”

“What do you call an accordion player with a pager?”/“An optimist.”

“How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1? or 2?”

“If you were anti-pencil,  would you be erasist?”

“What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?”/“An optimist.”

“Cubicle sweet cubicle”

“Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not toilets”

“Office sweet office”

“Home sweet office”

“Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune”

“Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not toilet seats”

“Home sweet home office”

“No way, José”

“Ants on a log, floating down the river to the waterfall” (bureaucracy)

“If a cowboy dies and comes back to life, is it called reintarnation?”

“I recently bought a bread knife. It’s not as good as stainless steel”

“If the front of your car says ‘DODGE’, do you really need a horn?”

“Where do hippos go to college?”/“To the hippocampus.”

“Sex is a misdemeanor. De more I miss, de meaner I get”

Bootlegger

Queen City (Toronto, Ontario nickname)

“Dumplings imply the existence of a large dumple”

“Hot Pockets are the poor man’s calzone”

“I was drinking at a bar, so i took the bus home…” (joke)

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen”

“How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread? Cut the ends and now you have endless bread”

“What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends?”/” Endless bread!”

“A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams, ‘Air in the hands, mother stickers!’”

“Catch flights, not feelings”

“Healthy eagles come from America. Ill eagles come from Mexico”

“Bite the Big Apple” (Murder, She Wrote episode, 1991)

“Jet lag is for amateurs”

“I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all just mapleleaf”

“Coffee spelled backwards is ‘eeffoc’”

“The person who doesn’t know where his next dollar is coming from…”

“If you look good, you play good” (sports adage)

“I got pulled over by a cop with Alzheimer’s. He said, ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’”

“The only B.S. I need are bikinis and sandals”

Foxtrot (dance)

“The only B.S. I need is bikinis and sandals”

“You don’t need a silver fork to eat good food”

“My wife broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…” (joke)

“Wake up. It’s food o’clock”

“When you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine”

“A case of the Mondays” (school/work saying)

“A compliment is verbal sunshine”

“If you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine”

“Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties?”

“Why did the vindictive chicken cross the road?”/“Because the road crossed her first.”

“An ice cream van crashed on my street yesterday. The whole area was coned off”

“Television is a writer’s medium” (television adage)

“Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?”/“She wanted to stretch her legs.”

“Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?”/“To get to the rubber side.”

“Pistachios are land clams”

“Just found out I’ve failed my German exam. Sacre bleu!”

“Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button…”

“Pistachios are little vegan clams”

“Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button…”

“Empty cans make the most noise”

“You can’t fall if you don’t climb. But there’s no joy in living your whole life on the ground”

“There’s a correlation between how poorly a job pays and how many inspirational quotes there are”

Make Americans Think Harder (“math” backronym)

“Grocery stores advertise ‘restaurant style’; restaurants advertise ‘homestyle’”

“I went to a strip club for blind people. The girls there were dancing like nobody was watching”

“Nurses can really take the pressure”

“What’s the Earth’s favorite fizzy drink?”/“Tectonic water.”

“Nurses can take the pressure”

“No pressure, no diamonds”

“No struggle, no strength” (“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength”)

“This is my house.”/“What’s upstairs?”/“Stairs don’t talk.”

“I think everyone should use two deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents”

“I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner”

“True house cleaners aren’t just born, they’re maid”

“Great housekeepers aren’t born, they’re maid”

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength” (“No struggle, no strength”)

“Hakuna Fermata. It means keep playing for the rest of your days”

“Wine + dinner = winner”

“Be a cupcake in a world full of muffins”

“If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner”

Big Apple Circus (1977-present)

“You are a beautiful cupcake in a world full of muffins”

“Where is this kitchen that everyone says makes abs?”

“Flowers grow back even after they are stepped on. So will I”