A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeyes fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

Recent entries:
“You can’t tax your way to prosperity. You can’t bomb your way to security. And you can’t ban your way to liberty” (4/21)
“You can’t bomb your way to security” (4/21)
“You can’t bomb your way to democracy” (4/21)
“You can’t ban your way to freedom” (4/21)
“If you can’t expose crime in the government, you don’t really have a government. You have a dictatorship…” (4/21)
More new entries...

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“I don’t diet. I just eat according to my goals”

“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help”

“Baristas have to deal with people before they’ve had their morning coffee”

The Only Day After Yesterday (“today” backronym)

“Never let somebody waste your time, twice”

“The Soviet Union made the best bread in history. People would wait days in line for it!”

“‘Tiny House Community’ is just hipster lingo for ‘Mobile Home Park’”

“A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot”

“I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants”

“Training is like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired”

“What’s the difference between the Titanic and Al Qaeda?”/“Al Qaeda made it to New York.”

“‘Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it’s not in cockroaches.’ – a NYC tenant’”

“People first, then money, then things”

“The real problem with reality is the lack of background music”

“Never trust a homeless guy who’s selling warm lemonade to you”

“Starve your distractions. Feed your focus”

“I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow”

“Two men walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“My father uses reddit. I guess it’s heredditary”

“Excuses don’t construct monuments. Action does”

“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today”

“Tofu is overrated. It’s just a curd to me”

“What do history teachers make when they want to get together?”/“Dates.”

Convention City (New Orleans nickname)

“A detained knight should consult a graphic designer. Apparently they free lance a lot”

“What do you call mashed avocado with milk?”/“Guacam-au-lait.”

“My only talent is I just don’t quit”

“Happy Mexican St. Patrick’s Day” (Cinco de Mayo)

“Yo mama is so dark, she went to night school and was marked absent”

“If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?”/“Plastic explosives.”

“What’s the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick’s Day?” (joke)

“I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday’s ‘May the 4th’ jokes”

“Why would you take a car door to the desert?”/“If you get hot, you can roll the window down.”

“The patron saint of checking your bread rolls in the oven is St. John the Bap test”

“I’m not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking” (Cinco de Mayo joke)

Queen City (New Orleans nickname)

Ulcer County (Madison Avenue advertising agencies)

“Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud”

“Red beans and ricely yours”

“Where yat?” (“Where y’at?”)

“Mushrooms, the breakfast of champignons”

“What do you call a short musician in the subway?”/“A metro-gnome.”

“What do you call a midget on the subway?”/“A metro gnome.”

“What did the mom coffee bean say to the kid coffee bean?”/“You’re grounded.”

“Why can’t you trust burritos to keep a secret?”/“They tend to spill the beans.”

“What do you call Wikipedia for babies?”/“Wikipedialyte.”

“Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets for adults”

“Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It’s called the Apple-achian”

Appalachian Mountains: “Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It’s called the Apple-achian.”

“Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Me: I fell asleep on the space key.”

“I hate the new Windows 10 update. It puts me on Edge”

“What is the left side of an apple?”/“The part that you don’t eat.”

“Cotton candy—like eating a clown’s ghost”

“If someone has a pasta fetish, do they call it fetishinni?”

“The first time I played chess I tried to move my castles diagonally. Classic rookie mistake”

“Sitting on the toilet as the clock struck midnight, I thought, ‘Same shit, different day’”

“Trust because you are willing to accept the risk, not because it’s safe or certain”

“When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?”

“Your salary is the bribe they give you to forget your dreams”

“When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window”

“What song do burgers sing on the job?”/“Gristle While You Work!”

“Life is too short to stay broke”

“Netflix is so much better than going out and pretending to like people”

“I’m an artist. I draw unemployment”

“I’m an artist for the government. I draw unemployment”

“Sometimes I use big words I don’t understand so I can sound more photosynthesis”

“Table’s not ready. Can you wait?”/“OK.”/“Great! Take these plates to table six, then.”

“I had my parking validated—which was nice because I’d been practicing for so long”

“Inflation is when you pay $10 for the $5 haircut you used to get for $2 when you had hair”

“What do cat actors say on stage?”/“Tabby or not tabby!”

“What do you call Wikipedia for babies?”/“Wikipedialyte.”

“How does a hotel room taste?”/“Suite.”

“There was a fire at my local dollar store. Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars”

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it”

“I am transfinancial. I’m a rich man trapped in a poor man’s body”

“Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X, we’ll probably get to see 9/11 next year”

“My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business”

“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”/“You’re the lawyer.”/“Where’s my present?”

“Why don’t apples smile when you go bobbing?”/“Because they’re crab apples.”

“Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust”

“The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people. Apparently, it doesn’t apply to congressmen”

“Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar”

“Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust”

“Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar”

“A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future what a can of soda will cost in 20 years”

“Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners”

“Buying insurance is almost the exact opposite of buying a lottery ticket”

“How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one”

“Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life”

“Peer pressure as an adult is seeing your neighbor mow their lawn”

“The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field”

“If you get sick in an airport, it might be terminal illness”

“What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?”/“A chili dog on a bun.”

“What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?”/“Puff pastry.”

“What do vegans and vampires have in common?”/“They both hate stakes.”

Oysters Rockefeller

Red Beans and Rice

“What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?”/“You seamstressed.”

Oysters Suzette

Run for the Orchids (Louisiana Derby)

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