Wedding Cake of the West Side (The Ansonia)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

“Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day” (joke)

“Achieved a new personal best in the 100 yard dash today—43 yards”

The Block Beautiful (East 19th Street, Gramercy Park)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

“There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question is, the answer is always wine”

“To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner” (joke)

“This is not sweat. This is liquid awesome”

Immoral Robbery Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

“Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily to grant your wishes”

“School is like a tutorial for life”

“The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch”

“Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist”

Whack Ass Queens or Whack Ass Queenz (Queens)

“Beer is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist”

Brooklyn Jawbreaker (bagel)

“Why don’t cows ever have any money?”/“Because the farmers milk them dry.”

Indiana: Indiana Insanity (basketball)

“I wish I could do stand-up comedy, but I always punch up the fuckline”

“Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies”

“I’m so strong I can lift buildings! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse”

“Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies”

“It’s not rocket salad”

Indiana: Hoosier Hysteria (basketball)

Indiana: Hoosier Hoopla (basketball)

“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first”

Indiana: Midwest Madness (basketball)

“Princess parking only. All others will be toad”

“Broomstick parking only. All others will be toad”

“Witch parking only. All others will be toad”

“Frog parking only. All others will be toad”

“Squats? I thought you said shots”

“My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt”

“I’m so strong I can lift a house! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse”

“Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?”

“Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world”

“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” (choir joke)

“After 8 beers I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road…” (joke)

“Why did the diner send back the rabbit stew?”/“Because it had a hare in it.”

“I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer and I have a Czech one too”

“Who turns the lights off at Halloween?”/“The light’s witch.”

“Give a man a job, you have an employee. Teach him how to shift blame, you have a manager”

“Why was the cat so small?”/“Because it only ate condensed milk.”

“I passed my paintball exam with flying colours”

“Have you seen the baked bean website?”/“I’ve only just got wind of it.”

“Have you seen the new fruitcake website?”/“Yes - it’s my currant favorite!”

“What do you call a Native American cook?”/“A Sioux chef.”

“Have you seen the boxing website?”/“Yes, it really knocked me out!”

“Have you seen the new fishing website?”/“No, it’s not online yet.”

“What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?”/“A walnut.”

“My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder”

“Too bad alcohol isn’t heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick’s Day”

“Have you seen the bus website?”/“Yes - it’s just the ticket!”

Pretty Huge Debt (“Ph.D.” backronym)

“American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom!”

“Here’s a bit of advice for you. Advi”

“What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?”

“Eating peanuts is just making peanut butter with your teeth”

“What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?”/“Its bark was much worse than its bite.”

“What do you call a frog spy?”/“A croak and dagger agent.”

“What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?”/“Udder chaos.”

“Have you seen the new fishing website?”/“No, it’s not online yet.”

“Have you seen the baked bean website?”/“I’ve only just got wind of it.”

“Have you seen the dynamite website?”/“Yes, it really blew my mind.”

“Have you seen the umbrella website?”/“Yes, but it went right over my head.”

“Have you seen the boxing website?”/“Yes, it really knocked me out!”

“Have you seen the new fruitcake website?”/“Yes - it’s my currant favorite!”

“Have you seen the bus website?”/“Yes - it’s just the ticket!”

“In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right”

“Have you seen the hypnosis website?”/“Yes, but it put me to sleep.”

“Have you seen the Dalmatian website?”/“No - haven’t spotted it so far.”

“What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?”/“A walnut.”

“Where are mathematicians buried?”/“The symmetry.”

“Good things come to those who lift weights”

“What do you call a fireman who lost his job?”/“A firedman.”

“Squats? I thought you said, ‘Let’s do shots’”

“She Will Endure All Things” (“sweat” backronym)

“Good things come to those with weights”

“What type of sense of humor does rain have?”/“A very wet sense of humor.”

“If I pass out, please note my time”

“Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice”

“What is a baseball dog?”/“One that chases fowls.”

“I’ve never seen a tombstone that said, ‘Died from not forwarding a chain email’”

“Looking back, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online. Heinz site is a wonderful thing”

“Paying rent is like hitting the snooze button on being homeless”

“What kind of band plays snappy music?”/“A rubber band.”

“Give a Nigerian a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince”

“I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today” (joke)

“Where did the piglets study their ABC’s?”/“At a school for higher loining.”

“Curry OK?”/“Sorry, I hate singing in public.” (karaoke joke)

“If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan, but never the goal”

“I saw an Elvis impersonator covered in cream and black cherries, singing ‘In the Gâteau’”

“Where do bees go to the bathroom?”/“At the BP station.”

“Sometimes I cook with hate just to see if anyone can really tell the difference”

“Scotland has Lochs, but Florida has Keys”

“Did you hear the joke about the banana peel?”/“Sorry, it must have slipped my mind.”

“That smells like lentils and desperation”

“Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality”

“Curry OK?”/“Sorry, I hate singing in public.” (karaoke joke)