“What’s an Irish windbreaker?”/“Someone who’s had too much corned beef and cabbage.”

“I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers”

“I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers”

“A friend got some vinegar in his ear. Now he suffers from pickled hearing!”

“Diner: Waiter, will my pizza be long? Waiter: No, sir, it will be round.”

“Why does Pornhub even have a share to Google+ button?” (joke)

“What do you call clumsy grapes?”/“Unconcordinated.”

“Where do circles, ellipses, hyperbolas and parabolas like to hang out in the summer? Coney Island”

“What do you get when you take green cheese & divide its circumference by its diameter?”/“Moon pi.”

“What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?”/“A yam session!”

“What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?”/“A yam session!”

“What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?”/“I’m the wiener!”

“What did the husband do after forgetting his wife’s birthday?”/“Cauliflower shop!”

“What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?”/“He told them to ‘hiss off!’”

“Did you hear about the man who wanted to sound Irish? He decided to go for brogue!”

“I found a hole in my trainer that’s big enough to put my finger through” (joke)

“Why did the leprechaun cross the road?”/“He wanted to reach the pot of gold faster.”

“The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you to do nothing with your life”

“Why do Native Americans hate snow?”/“Because it’s white and settles on their land.”

“I’ll be Irish in a few beers”

“I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears”

Piano District (Mott Haven, Bronx)

“Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster”

“What kind of water do you put into a waterbed?”/“Spring water.”

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends—may they never meet!” (toast)

“I have the right to remain silent, but I don’t have the ability”

“Whale oil beef hooked” (How to speak Irish in one easy lesson)

“An Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time”

“May your soul be in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead” (toast)

“Yo mama is so ugly, she can make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk”

“I’m sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I’m punching someone”

“As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way”

“Where does an Irish family go on vacation?”/“To a different bar.”

“Move over, coffee. Today is a job for champagne”

“Coffee, you’re on the bench. Alcohol, suit up!”

“To be Irish is to know that, in the end, the world will break your heart”

“May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short”

“What did the tree say after a long winter?”/“What a re-leaf!”

“Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?”/“At IHOP.”

“What is the Easter bunny’s favorite sport?”/“Basket-ball.”

“I’ve got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday”

Albany: “What is the Easter bunny’s favorite state capital?”/“Albunny, New York.”

“May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light” (Irish blessing)

“If you struggle cutting cake, is it still a piece of cake?”

“What kind of bunny can’t hop?”/“A chocolate one.”

“How do you make a rabbit stew?”/“Make it wait for three hours.”

“What did the rabbit say to the carrot?”/“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

“What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?”/“Hot cross bunnies.”

“Why did the bunny go to the dance?”/“To do the bunny hop!”

“Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?”/“Because it has four rabbits’ feet.”

“What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?”/“Hot, cross bunnies.”

“What day does an Easter egg hate the most?”/“Fry-day.”

“What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit banknote?” (riddle)

Lake George: Queen of American Lakes (nickname)

“I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills”

“Spring is here! I’m so excited I wet my plants”

“Spring needs to stand up to winter and kick it in the snowballs”

“New York—when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you”

“Why does mineral water that has ‘trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘Use By’ date?”

“Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring”

“If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays”

“Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break”

“Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break”

“Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring”

“Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee”

“This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee”

“I’m always losing things at work…my glasses, my keys, my will to live…”

“I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’” (joke)

“I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’” (joke)

“I used to pee my pants when i stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It cost me my teaching career”

“Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries”

“What did the whip cream say to Indiana Jones?”/“Cool Whip.”

“Coffee with a friend is like capturing happiness in a cup”

“Caffeine isn’t a drug, it’s a vitamin”

“All you need is love and a good cup of coffee”

“Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays”

“Mondays are the potholes in the road of life”

“Why did the stoner put laxatives in weed brownies?”/“For shits and giggles.”

“If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever”

“Coffee helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone streak’”

“My birthstone is a coffee bean”

“The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee”

“I’ve had so much coffee today I can see noises”

“Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a night…” (joke)

“Why are women and children evacuated first?” (joke)

“I’ll have a rum and coke” (joke)

“Too much Monday, not enough coffee”

“Coffee! Coffee! It’s our drink! If we don’t get it, we can’t think!”

“Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm”

“Want to hear a really dark joke?…Decaf”

“I eat salad every day. Bean salad…Coffee bean salad…Coffee. I drink coffee every day”

“Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm”

“Coffee is the gasoline of life”

“To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee….coffee”

“Too much Monday, not enough coffee”

“Christ Offers Forgiveness For Everyone Everywhere” (“coffee” backronym)

“But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all. New York has great water for coffee”

“Life begins after coffee”

“I pretend coffee helps, but I’m still a bitch”

“Coffee: liquid joy juice”