“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way” (joke)

“On Thanksgiving, what’s always in the middle of the table?”/“The letter B.”

Federal Bureau of Political Investigation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“What vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?”/“Beets me.”

“What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?”/“Breakfast or lunch.”

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants”

“How much does a dumpling weigh?”/“Wonton.”

“Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton”

“I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents and customs officials”

“Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker”

“What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?”/“Molasses.”

“Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He’s 0K now”

“What do you call cheese that is sad?”/“Bleu cheese.”

“Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor”

“I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?”

“What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?”/“Molasses.”

“I stepped on a cornflake this morning. I’m a cereal killer now”

“What did the wicked chicken lay?”/“Deviled eggs.”

“Poverty is hereditary – you get it from your children”

“What kind of pasta is made from horses?”/“Spaghetti bowl o’ neighs.”

“The hardest part about being vegan is waking up at 5 a.m. to milk the almonds”

“We’re talking about a wonderful day when no one diets. Why else would they call it Thanksgiving?”

“Hey girl, are you in the proletariat? Because I feel an uprising in my lower class”

“Two deer walk out of a gay bar…” (bar joke)

“How do trees get on the internet?”/“They log in.”

“What’s the hardest thing about skydiving?”/“The ground.”

“Why did the police officer smell?”/“Because he was on duty.”

“Gobble ‘til you wobble” (Thanksgiving dinner saying)

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow”

“Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year”

“What’s the sleepiest thing at the Thanksgiving table?”/“Nap-kins.”

“There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American.”

“Which Thanksgiving beverage is sad?”/“Apple sigh-der.”

“If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?”/“A poul-tree.”

“Thanksgiving is for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory”

“He who thanks with lips thanks but in part; the full, the true Thanksgiving comes from the heart”

“Thanksgiving, to be truly Thanksgiving, is first thanks, then giving”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before”

“Why did the police arrest the turkey?”/“They suspected it of fowl play.”

“Eat, drink and be thankful”

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out”

“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out”

“I spent three weeks trying to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey—through the beak”

Ed-Exit (education + exit)

Ed-Exit (Department of Education + exit)

“There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami…”

“Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day”

“Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God”

Old Glory Corner (Fifth Avenue and 16th Street)

“Why can’t a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?” (riddle)

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Palace Beach (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Turkey (a flop production); Turkey Show

“Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain”

Brooklyn’s Little Harlem (Bedford-Stuyvesant)

“A number 12 walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Political Row (East 7th Street, between Avenues C and D)

Dry Dock District

“The office Christmas party is a chance to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes”

Iggy (iguana sculpture on the Lone Star Café)

Genius Row (Washington Square South)

“To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant”

“Too much ain’t enough” (Lone Star Cafe slogan)

“To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant”

Political Row (East 7th Street, between Avenues C and D)

Panic Beach or Panic Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Palace Beach (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Iggy (iguana sculpture at the Fort Worth Zoo)

“I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company”

“Success is like being pregnant” (joke)

“1984 is a great book. All kids should be forced to read it”

“I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus” (joke)

“Never look at a beer as half empty. Look at it as half way to the next beer”

“Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop”

“Why did the banana go out with the prune?”/“Because he couldn’t find a date.”

“Never make eye contact while eating a banana”

“Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories”

“I dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He’s dreaming, too”

“Success depends on the second letter”

“I’m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I break out in handcuffs”