Turd Sandwich

“Anything is deductible until you’re audited”

“You can build a throne with bayonets, but it’s difficult to sit on it”

“Buy the worst house in the best neighborhood” (real estate adage)

“War doesn’t determine who’s right, only who’s left”

“Open the garage, here comes the car!” (opening a child’s mouth for food)

“Open the tunnel, here comes the train!” (opening a child’s mouth for food)

“Open the hangar, here comes the airplane!” (opening a child’s mouth for food)

Crapplebee’s (Applebee’s nickname)

BK Lounge (Burger King nickname)

Skank of America (Bank of America nickname)

Bank of Assholes (Bank of America nickname)

Aunt Sally’s Boutique (Salvation Army nickname)

Texas Outhouse (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Roadkill (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Home Despot (Home Depot nickname)

Jacques Penné or Jean Claude Penné or Jacques Pennay (JCPenney nickname)

We Be Toys (Toys “R” Us nickname)

Bed Bath & Beyoncé or Bloodbath & Beyond (Bed Bath & Beyond nickname)

Outhouse Steakback (Outback Steakhouse nickname)

Little Sleazers (Little Caesars nickname)

Wally World (Walmart nickname)

“What can Brown do for you?” (United Parcel Serivce or UPS slogan)

Big Brown (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

Barnes and Ignoble (Barnes & Noble nickname)

FeeBank (KeyBank nickname)

Wells Fargone (Wells Fargo nickname)

Office Despot (Office Depot nickname)

Loud & Tacky (Lord & Taylor nickname)

“If you break it, you bought it” (Pottery Barn rule)

Crapital One (Capital One nickname)

El Centavo (J. C. Penney nickname)

Walmartian (Walmart shopper/employee nickname)

Stinkberry (Pinkberry nickname)

Crackberry (Pinkberry nickname)

Lame Giant (Lane Bryant nickname)

“I have never known a worthwhile man who became too big for his boots or his Bible”

“Two wings of the same bird of prey”

Crapco (Costco nickname)

Israeli Double Standard Time

Food Extortium or Food Extortion (Food Emporium nickname)

Food Deplorium (Food Emporium nickname)

“That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it”

Awful House (Waffle House nickname)

Jack in the Crack (Jack in the Box nickname)

Frequently Returning Your Shit (Fry’s Electronics nickname/acronym)

Gag in the Bag (Jack in the Box nickname)

“Money doesn’t talk, it swears”

“Money doesn’t talk, it screams”

“Why did the cook get arrested?”/“He was caught beating an egg.”

“Why do people work as bakers?”/“Because they knead the dough.”

Wells Fiasco (Wells Fargo nickname)

Bank of Apartheid (Bank of America nickname)

Bunch of Assholes (Bank of America nickname)

J. P. Moron (JPMorgan Chase nickname)

OOPS (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

Stupid Party (Republicans) & Evil Party (Democrats)

Stank of America (Bank of America nickname)

Hells Fargo or Hell’s Fargo (Wells Fargo nickname)

Scalpel vs. Machete (budget-cutting techniques)

Budget Axe (Budget Ax)

“Inch by inch, it’s a cinch; yard by yard, it’s hard; mile by mile, it’s a trial”

Office Cheapo (Office Depot nickname)

Home Cheapo (Home Depot nickname)

Wal-Fart or Walfart (Walmart nickname)

K-Fart or Kfart (Kmart nickname)

“Trade what you see, not what you think”

Banoconut (banana + coconut) Cream Pie

“Eat the rich”

Goldman Sucks or Goldman Sux (Goldman Sachs nickname)

“Keep your government hands off my Medicare!”

“Drinking the Kool-Aid”

Signing Statement

United Bank of Swindlers or Union Bank of Swindlers (UBS nickname)

Holy Shit Buffalo’s Cold (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit my Bank’s Chinese (HSBC nickname)

Hot Sauce Blue Cheese or Hot Sauce Bleu Cheese (HSBC nickname)

“Why did the apple turnover?”/“Because it saw the banana split.”

“Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”/“At the bottom.”

“Screw up, move up”

Big Three (Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security)

Temple of Capitalism (Jarmulowsky Bank nickname)

“Taking care of business” (TCB)

Infernal Revenue Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Famous But Incompetent (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Don’t Expect Anything (Drug Enforcement Administration or DEA nickname)

Drink Every Afternoon (Drug Enforcement Administration or DEA nickname)

ProCro (Prospect Heights + Crown Heights)

MiMA (Middle of Manhattan)

Greenwood Heights

Chopped Brisket (sandwich)

Chez Marshalls (Marshalls nickname)

“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss”

“It’s the economy, stupid”

Pickles and Ice Cream

Crapper Barrel (Cracker Barrel nickname)

Bank of Amerika or Bank of Amerikkka (Bank of America nickname)

Cracker Barrel (Cracker Barrel Philosopher/Philosophy)

New Hampshire: “Live free or die” (motto)

Spring Sphere (Easter egg)