“If you have a message, call Western Union” (theatre adage)
Playwrights and screenwriters are often cautioned against sending a political message in their dramatic scripts; the public wants entertainment, not a lecture. "Not one of those…
Food/Drink
“If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic caused "social distancing," with people six feet away from one another. "The threesome put me within 6 feet of people #SoIHadToGetTested" was…
“If you have a wedding in Paris, does the best man give a French toast?”
The word "toast" can be misunderstood. "If you have a wedding in Paris, does the best man give a French toast?" was posted on Twitter by Alex Sanchez on January 15, 2012. This…
“If you have coffee with it, it counts as breakfast”
"If you have coffee with it, it counts as breakfast" is a coffee saying that has been printed on several images. "FYI: it still counts as breakfast if you have coffee with it"…
“If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins”
Chocolate money had nothing to do with "bitcoin" -- which is not a "bit" coin -- but there have been several jokes. "The last time I Bitcoin, I was eating chocolate money…
“If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins”
Chocolate money had nothing to do with "bitcoin" -- which is not a "bit" coin -- but there have been several jokes. "The last time I Bitcoin, I was eating chocolate money…
“If you have no business in New York, you have no business being in New York”
New York City has a reputation as a business capital. Mark J. Bitter, a guitar business executive, said in 2015: “The family ownership decided to sell it, and the old saying is, ‘If you don’t…
“If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever”
Swim meets have such a reputation for lasting a long time that a popular joke has been put on T-shirts: "If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on…
“If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink wine, you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends”
"If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends" is a wine saying that has been printed on many images. “If you have to ask…
“If you have to ask, then you probably can’t afford it” (J. P. Morgan?)
"If you have to ask, you (probably) can't afford it" is a saying used to describe purchases of expensive products, such as homes, cars and jewelry. Financier J. P. Morgan (1837-1913)…
“If you have to pay a fee to keep your property, you don’t own it”
Some people believe that if you have to pay property tax (and government can take your property for non-payment of this tax), then you really don't own the property. "If you have to pay a…
“If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP”
Many events sell more expensive "VIP" (very important person) tickets. The tickets might offer advantages such as better seating or a pass backstage. An observation was posted on Reddit…
“If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer—he isn’t”
"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't" is a popular rule of thumb in voting a player into the Hall of Fame. A Hall of Fame player must be…
“If you haven’t been fired at least once, you haven’t worked in radio”
"If you haven't been fired, you haven't been in radio long enough" has been cited in print since at least 1982. Radio and television broadcasting are driven by ratings. Format…
“If you haven’t realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down, then…”
"If you don't know that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then you may have been systematically dumbed down" is a saying that has been printed on many images.…
“If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance”
Many people gain weight as they grow older -- and they do not have to be told this. "If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance" is…
“If you hear an onion ring, answer it”
"If you hear an onion ring, answer it" (or "If an onion rings, answer it") is a nonsense saying. "IF AN ONION RINGS ANSWER IT" was printed in the St. Louis (MO)…
“If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling”
James Dines, editor of The Dines Letter (online investment advice), said in 1983: "If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling." The investment saying has…
“If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone”
"If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If you’ve heard anything bad about me,…
“If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab”
"If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The usual saying is that if you…