“If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job”
A pun on "boring job" was posted on the newsgroup alt.humor.puns on September 23, 2000: "If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job. (Pun of the Day)" "Digging…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If you owe a bank thousands, you have a problem; owe a bank millions, the bank has a problem”
There's an old banking proverb: "If you owe the bank thousands (a small amount), then you have a problem. If you owe the bank millions (a large amount), then the bank has a problem."…
“If you pay for service by the hour, you buy hours and not service”
Some employers pay for a completed job, but others pay by the hour. "When you buy software development by the hour, what are you buying? Hours" was posted on Twitter by Brad Murphy on…
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys”
"if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys" means that if you pay a small amount ("peanuts"), you don't get very good workers ("monkeys"). "Peanuts" has long…
“If you peel the sticker off a banana & put it on your shirt you get to be the Mayor of Bananatown”
A banana sticker (such as "Chiquita") is often found on the banana peel. Many people remove this sticker, despite the fact that the banana peel is not eaten. Then, they (especially young…
“If you plant corn, you get corn” (proverb)
"If you plant corn, you get corn" is a proverb that means "you reap what you sow." The proverb is based on the New Testament's Galatians 6:7: "Be not deceived; God is…
“If you play great on Friday nights, then you can play on Saturdays” (football adage)
American football has for many years consisted of high school football on Friday nights, college football on Saturdays, and professional NFL football on Sundays. Craig Thomas wrote on NCAA.com in…
“If you play Yahtzee on a boat, is it spelled Yachtzee?”
The dice game of Yahtzee has nothing to do with yachts, but there are jokes. "Yachtzee: What a child, or another person, may say when they see this type of boat" was posted on the…
“If you pretend I’m wearing a mask, I’ll pretend yours works”
The COVID-19 (coronavirus) pandemic resulted in some requirements to wear face masks. Many people didn't like to wear them and believed that the masks were not effective. This was posted on…
“If you push Continental breakfast tables together, do you get a Pangaea breakfast?”
If you combine all the continental breakfast tables together, would that make for a supercontinental (Pangaea or Pangea) breakfast? "If this is the Continental breakfast, I'd hate to see…
“If you put a key lime inside a lock lime it reveals the Treasure of Lime Mountain”
There are keys and locks. There are key limes, but no lock limes. "So is there a counterpart to Key Lime Pie called Lock Lime Pie?" was posted on Twitter by Steffany A on August 1, 2011.…
“If you put holy water in a humidifier, it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires”
Entry in progress -- BP TwitterBob Kostic@causticbobIf you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.6:13 PM · Jun 2, 2023
“If you put peanut butter on a rice cake you can throw it farther”
Not everyone likes rice cakes. People often put something on it to improve the taste. "If you put peanut butter on a rice cake you can throw it farther" was posted on Twitter by Bart on…
“If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?” (joke)
A math joke is told about square roots and root beer. "If you put root beer in a square glass do you get beer?" was cited on Twitter on May 15, 2012. "If you put root beer in a…
“If you put too much water in your rice, toss in a few phones to soak it up #lifehacks”
"COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there" was posted on X/Twitter by "ben are scum" @UniqueDude2 on September 4, 2015. (The account is…
“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape”
"If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "You'd be in great shape if you ran like your…
“If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church…”
Southerners don't like to drive in the snow. A tip was posted on Twitter by Chad Sullivan on January 15, 2018, and this was later posted on the 6 a.m. newscast weather report of WBTV, the CBS…
“If you really want to get off carbs, start referring to ‘baked goods’ as ‘baked bads’”
"Good" is the opposite of "bad" and "evil." There are "baked goods," but there are no "baked bads" or "baked evils." "Then tell me…
“If you remember the ‘60s, you weren’t really there”
The decade of the 1960s was known in the United States for drug use and music festivals such as Woodstock (held August 15–18, 1969, in Bethel, New York). "EXIT LINE: Comedian Charlie…
“If you remove croutons from your salad, are they then called croutoffs?”
There are salad croutons, but no croutoffs. There are several jokes, such as "crouton, croutoff" (like "clap on, clap off" of The Clapper, and "wax on, wax off" from…