“Every meal is a happy meal if you leave your kids at home”
McDonald's restaurants sell a "Happy Meal" (for children), but some adults have their own idea of a happy meal. "Every meal is a happy meal if you leave the kids at home"…
“When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook”
"When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook" is a classic joke. ' "When I was in the army I killed four hundred men. I was the cook" was printed…
“Polonaise is Polish mayonnaise”
"Polonaise" is a dance of Polish origin. Polonaise is not Polish mayonnaise, but there are jokes. "#punsr POLONAISE: Polish mayonnaise laced with polonium" was posted on Twitter…
“What do you call a cross-dressing bellhop?”/“A trans-porter.”
A "transporter" is not a "trans" porter, but there are jokes. "I really wanted The Transporter to be about a buff bellhop who time travels" was posted on Twitter by…
“What do you call a drunk blonde?”/“A taxi.”
"What do you call a drunk...?" appears to be the start of a joke. However, the answer is an anti-joke. The person is too drunk to get home, so you call a taxi or a Lyft (car service) or…
“These days you can’t even say ‘black paint’ any more” (NSFW joke)
A political correctness joke (probably NSFW) states that you cannot say "black paint." That is usually an adjective and a noun, but the joke has it as a noun and a verb. "Apparently…
“When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines”
"When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines" is a time travel joke that went viral on August 26, 2010. The joke was posted on Twitter this day by sickipediabot…
“First coffee, then on to today’s episode of ‘Now what?’”
"First coffee, then we move on to today's episode of 'Now what?'" (or "First coffee, then on to today's episode of 'Now what?'") is a jocular…
“I’m no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I’m changing the things I cannot accept”
The Serenity Prayer is: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." "If I'm not…
Sam and Ella (salmonella)
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
Sam ‘n’ Ella (salmonella)
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
“I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in many requirements to wear face masks. "I hate anti-maskers, they make me sick" -- with the literal pun intended -- was posted on Twitter by…
Pennsylvania: “Where do pencils come from?”/“Pencil-vania.”
Do pencils come from Pennsylvania? "Most of the ordinary slate pencils come from Pencil-vania" was printed in the Pittsfield (MA) Sun on December 27, 1876. "Pencils come from…
“If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where it isn’t allowed”
Many people believe that free speech is dangerous, but a lack of free speech is also dangerous. "RT @Hol"bornlolz: If you think Free Speech is 'dangerous': Try living somewhere…
“What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?” (riddle)
“The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it” is a saying from the 1930s. "What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog? One bites the hand…
“I bought a book called ‘Mathematics for dummies.’ All the answers were wrong”
For Dummies is a series of instructional/reference books. A joke was posted on Twitter by Bob Kostic on June 17, 2012: "I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'. All the…
“Did you get a haircut?”/“No, I got them all cut.”
Getting a haircut does not mean getting a single hair cut, but the popular dad joke exchange is: WIFE: Did you get a haircut?HUSBAND: No, I got them all cut. Versions of the joke have been cited in…
“You can’t learn to swim by reading a book”
One learns to swim by getting in the water. It is often said that you cannot learn to swim by watching, or by reading a book about swimming in the library. The saying about swimming has been used…
“Coffee—when your brain needs a hug”
"Coffee -- when your brain needs a hug" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "'When your brain needs a hug' by @yoyoha…
“Studying abroad? Take the broad out to dinner before you study her”
"Studying abroad" shouldn't be confused with "studying a broad," but there are jokes. This joke was published in McSweeney’s on June 13, 2014: YOU: DAD, I’M THINKING OF…