“Socialism for dummies: Everything is free, and we’re all out of it!”

“The worst part about Friday is realizing it’s only Tuesday”

“Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Tuesday”

“Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Wednesday”

“Nothing ruins Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday”

“Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday”

“Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Wednesday”

“When you said ‘friends with benefits,’ I assumed you owned a coffee shop”

“When you said ‘friends with benefits,’ I assumed you owned a bookstore”

“When you said ‘friends with benefits,’ I assumed you owned a taco truck”

“When you said ‘friends with benefits,’ I assumed you owned a liquor store”

“When you said ‘friends with benefits,’ I assumed you owned a donut shop”

“Just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine. It cost me an arm and a leg”

“Tried the pay phone, but used my donor card instead of my calling card. It cost me an arm and a leg”

“The early bird can have the worm. I’ll take coffee”

“I can ski clearly now the rain is gone”

“All things are possible with coffee and cowboy boots”

“I can ski clearly now the rain has gone”

“The early bird can have the worm. Worms are gross and I prefer coffee”

“The early bird can have the worm. Just give me my coffee”

“The heels of the bread are to be eaten last. You eat them as punishment for not buying more bread”

“I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists”

“I write short fiction.  They’re ‘to-do lists’”

“Air Jordans imply the existence of Water Jordans, Earth Jordans and Fire Jordans”

“Air Jordan implies the existence of Water Jordan, Earth Jordan, and Fire Jordan”

“I didn’t like working at the steel plant. It smelt”

“Sunday morning coffee is about pleasure. Monday morning coffee is about necessity”

“Sunday morning coffee is about pleasure, whereas Monday morning coffee is about necessity”

“Any jar is a swear jar if you can’t open the lid”

“Any jar can be a swear jar if you can’t open the lid”

“It’s better to have lived in New York and moved than to never have lived here at all”

“It’s better to have lived in New Orleans and moved than to never have lived here at all”

“It’s better to have lived in Texas and moved than to never have lived here at all”

“Remember before the internet when we thought people were dumb because they didn’t have access to information?”

“Coffee is my second favorite plant”

“Stay back! My ‘low coffee light’ is blinking”

“Put on your positive pants”

“Put your positive pants on”

“Monday is a state of mind. Put on your positive pants and get stuff done!”

“Monday is for people with a mission”

“The only bad workout is the one that didn’t happen”

“The only bad workout is the one that you didn’t do”

Big Apple on a hockey jersey (New York Rangers practice jersey, 1994)

“Mondays are for people with a mission”

“Monday is a state of mind. Put your positive pants on and get stuff done!”

“Steak: the only plant-based food you need!”

“The secret ingredient is always love”

“Oh you don’t have a valentine on valentine’s day? Some people don’t even have a groundhog on groundhogs day”

“Waiting for a leader or savior to solve the problem is precisely what the slave has been ‘trained’ to do”

“The secret ingredient is love”

“The secret ingredient is love…and butter”

“The secret ingredient is always love…and butter”

“So when is our generation having a Boston tea party?? Because I’m tired of taxes”

“Don’t underestimate yourself. You can do hard things. Like making coffee in the morning…”

“A tyrant doesn’t ask for power over you. A tyrant asks for power over your neighbors”

“Taxes are the price you pay to fund the things that you protest against”

“Taxes are the price we pay to fund the things that you protest against”

“Every time the Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea”

“Every time Taco Bell rings, an angel gets the runs”

“Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea”

“It’s amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over”

“It’s amazing how much you can accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over”

“I went for a job at a suntan lotion factory. I didn’t get it, but I’m going to reapply”

“What do you do if you get rejected from a job at a sunscreen factory? Reapply!”

“Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you’ve never met”

“Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you never met”

“What causes poverty? Nothing. It’s the original state, the default and starting point…”

“Politics: the art of using euphemisms, lies, emotionalism and fear-mongering to dupe average people…”

“No, things aren’t getting worse. They’re just getting more obvious”

“Paying more taxes to the government will not change the weather”

“You can do it.—Coffee”

“How did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?”

“Dear cancel culture, Aim higher, go for the IRS”

“I hate words that are the same, but are pronounced differently like read and read, live and live, taxation and theft”

“There is no law so trivial that the state won’t kill you to enforce it”

“Hollywood’s solution to fight online piracy: make movies so bad no one wants to watch them, even for free”

“Democracy: because minorities are always wrong”

“The greatest weapon is not a gun, nor is it nuclear. It is information control”

“Statism is the belief that a group of people who can’t fix potholes can fix an entire planet”

“Stop calling it a refund. You overpaid all year. You got your change back”

“The government sells fear so they can become your savior”

“Dear cancel culture, Dream bigger, aim higher. ATF, IRS, Federal Reserve”

“If statists can’t even fix potholes effectively, how can they promise to fix an entire planet?”

“If government can’t fix potholes, how can it fix the planet?”

“How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?”

“How the FUCK did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?”

“There is no law so trivial that the police won’t kill you to enforce it”

“There is no law so trivial that the government won’t kill you to enforce it”

Work Island (Manhattan)

“Things are not getting worse. They are getting uncovered”

“The greatest weapon is not a gun or a bomb. It is the control of information”

“The ‘ea’ in ‘tea’ is silent”

“People not liking you isn’t oppression”

Entry in progress—BP1

“Work is unnatural. Man’s true purpose is to chill on his phone”

“As useless as the ‘ea’ in ‘tea’”

“You can do it.—Vodka”

“You can do it.—Tequila”

“Niggas be living off their girls government assistance and try and act tough. Calm down John WIC”

“Coffee is my stress reliever”