“May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back…” (Irish blessing)

“I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God’s greatest gifts he’ll give…”

“Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, and drinks beside the fire…” (Irish blessing)

“There are many good reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head…”

“May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live”

“May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you…” (Irish blessing)

“There are several reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head…”

“Eggs are white because god knew black don’t crack”

Bloody Meyer (cocktail)

Vladimir Meyer (cocktail)

“Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house”

“May your college memories last as long as your student loan payments”

“Don’t worry if you’ve forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it’s fine”

“Don’t let anyone treat you like free salsa. You are guacamole, baby. Guacamole”

“Don’t let anyone treat you like free salsa. You are guac, baby girl. Guac”

“The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE”

“Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put clothes on and leave your house”

“I paid my rent so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth”

“May the luck of the Irish lead to happiest heights…” (Irish blessing)

“For each petal on the shamrock, this brings a wish your way…” (Irish saying)

“May your college memories last longer than your student loan payments”

“What does a car put on its toast?”/“Traffic jam.”

“I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days”

“Cinco de Mayo will fall on Taco Tuesday. This is it people. This is what we’ve been training for”

“I’ve got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness…” (work joke)

“Few people know this, but the tiny pocket on your jeans is for your salary”

“The only thing i have planned for today is to get my new glasses. Then I’ll see what happens”

“The magician said to take a card, any card. So I took his credit card”

“What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?”/“An influenzer.”

“What do cars put on their toast?”/“Traffic jam.”

“The Starbucks barista was wearing a face mask. It was a coughy filter”

“If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”

“My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items”

3:05 Cafecito (from 305, the Miami area code)

“If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”

“My children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent…”

“My walk of shame is going back for a shopping trolley after realising I can’t carry 23 items”

305 Day (from 305, the Miami area code)

“Life is the art of drawing without an eraser”

“A Milky Way is just a female Snickers”

“What do you take before every meal?”/“You take a seat.”

“Legality is a question of power, not of justice”

Pundemic (pun + pandemic)

“Calf fries are the original sack lunch”

“Cops are like a box of chocolates. They’ll kill your dog”

“Police are like a box of chocolates. They’ll kill your dog”

“Rocky Mountain oysters are the original sack lunch”

“A tablespoon is to eat tables with”

“What date is also a command?”/“March fourth.”

“Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned”

“The past tense of ‘fit” is ‘fat’”

“Do y’all blow y’all food when it’s too hot or do y’all just hasafashafsas till you can chew it?”

“You deserve whatever happens to you on a pogo stick”

“The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it”

Hasafashafsas

“Dear social media: Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don’t like them”

“All I want is my kids to go to sleep so I can watch shows with bad words and eat hidden snacks”

“All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can eat the hidden snacks”

“Dear Facebook! Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don’t like them”

“Dear Twitter: Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don’t like them”

“Pickpocket: that little pocket inside the right pocket on jeans that you put guitar picks in”

“A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer”

“Tonic water tastes like if 7 Up had depression”

“If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?”

“Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous…” (joke)

“What number is a sport?”/“Ten is.”

Big Apple Comic Con (1996-present)

“If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds”

“If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self employed and having a staff meeting”

“I am self employed. If you see me talking to myself, do not disturb. I’m having a staff meeting”

“What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?”/“A margarita hits the spot every time.”

“The guy who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing his hands together right now”

“When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees—Sycamore”

“Pepsi-Cola hits the spot. Twelve full ounces, that’s a lot” (jingle)

“My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart”

“I can’t wait until I’m financially stable to afford who I really am”

“Wanna know the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot every time”

“I can’t wait until I’m financially able to afford who I really am”

“My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart”

“The person who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing their hands together right now”

“I don’t know if Twitter has ever caused the lame to walk, but it has caused the dumb to speak”

“A train is like a moving waiting room”

“I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work”

“Traveling is like sitting in a moving waiting room”

“I’ve done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work”

“I know Facebook has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak”

“Commuting is just sitting in a moving waiting room”

“Social media has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak”

“Cannibal’s favorite appetizer: Chef Salad”

“I bet when cannibals go on a diet they order the chef salad”

“Teslas don’t have that new car smell. They come with that Elon Musk”

“Why don’t escalators and stairs have music like elevators?”

“People used to cough to cover up a fart. Now they fart to cover up a cough!” (virus joke)

“A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“It seems unfair that elevators have music, but stairs do not have music”

“I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus”

“General Tso Tso’s chicken is just okay”

“Have you guys tried General Tso Tso’s chicken? It’s alright”

“Core elation is not causation” (joke)

“I didn’t think my son stole from his trig teacher until I saw his room. All the sines were there”