1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 1

The 2019–20 coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak was eventually declared to be a worldwide pandemic. Here are some associated quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, portmanteaus, acronyms, anagrams and terms (letters A-G). See also Part 2 (quotations, H-N), Part 3 (quotations, O-S), Part 4 (quotations, T-Z) and Part 5 (terms). Please share your results with others because this website is censored by Google.
   
 
“13: I’m the worst number. 666: That’s cute. 2020: Hold my beer”
“20 years from now kids are going to realize their quarantine haircuts were done by dad’s…”
“87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed”
“1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Liquor stores are an essential business”
“1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Marijuana stores are an essential business“
“2019: Avoid negative people. 2020: Avoid positive people. 2021: Avoid people”
“2019: live, laugh, love. 2020: lather, rinse, repeat”
“2020 has shown me you don’t need fun to have alcohol”
“2020 is still better than my first marriage”
“2020: The year health experts told you to avoid the gym”
“2020: The year your wheelie bin goes out more than you”
“A colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat. Don’t ask meow”
“A Covid nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her I always dress like this”
“A good part of online school is that there are no school shootings”
“A guy walks into a bar…lucky bastard” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A man doesn’t walk into a bar…” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A man doesn’t walk into a pub…” (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)
“A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won’t need it now”
“A man takes his wife to get tested…” (joke)
“A man walks into a bar and asks for a Corona and two Hurricanes…” (bar joke)
“A man walks into a bar in New Orleans…” (bar joke)
“A man walks into a bar…lucky bastard” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A mask is not a political statement. It’s an IQ test”
“A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’”
“A state of emergency that lasts 2 years is no longer a state of emergency. It is a dictatorship”
“A state of emergency that lasts two years is no longer a state of emergency. It’s a power grab”
“A virus didn’t change our lives. A tyrannical government did”
“Adding ‘showed up to work during the apocalypse’ to my résumé”
“After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face…”
“After all this bullshit, we better be in the next Bible!”
“After six months of listening to people talk with masks on…”
“After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails”
“Alcohol (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Alexa, homeschool my kids”
“Alexa, homeschool the children”
“All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat”
“All of us stuck at home should call random numbers in India & ask about the extended car warranty”
“All this anxiety better be burning calories”
“Alpha, Delta and Omicron walk into a bar…” (bar joke)
“Although COVID-19 spreads mostly via the mouth and nose, scientists now conclude…”
“America is being conditioned to view freedom as selfishness”
“American Idol can count 130 million votes during a commercial break. No excuse for this”
“American Idol can count 130 million votes in a commercial break. This is annoying”
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don’t walk into a bar” (bar joke)
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Those were the days” (bar joke)
“And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out”
“And then the people said ‘no.’ The end”
“Anti-science is reading a notice on a mask box that it doesn’t protect against viruses…”
“Any government body that mandates something that they exempt themselves from…”
“Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I’ve been wearing a mask…”
“Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?”
“Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?”
“Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?” (quarantine joke)
“Apparently, a cat has caught COVID-19. Don’t ask meow!”
“Are locksmiths key workers?”
“Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?”
“Are we still allowed to leave Santa milk and cookies? Or is that considered indoor dining now?”
“Are you an N95 mask? Cause i want you on my face” (pickup line)
“As summer approaches, do we dig out our shorts or cut the legs off our pajamas?”
“At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys”
“At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on…” (joke)
“At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts”
“At this point, I would feel safer if coronavirus held a press conference…”
“At this point, I’d feel safer if COVID-19 held a press conference…”
“At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go”
“At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations…”
“Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin” (pickup line)
“Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call‘“
“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees”
“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people were stringing it up in the trees”
“BC is now ‘Before Coronavirus.’ AD is now “After Distancing‘“
“Be honest, you didn’t trust the science. You trusted the TV”
“Be wary of taking ‘health advice’ from people who believe the world is overpopulated…”
“Because of COVID-19 for the first time since 1945 the National Spelling Bee is cancil… cancul…”
“Because of the cancellation of all sports events ESPN will be covering live toilet paper wrestling”
“Beer (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Beer shortage expected. Panic buy now”
“Beer shortage soon. Panic buy here”
“Beer shortages soon. Please panic buy”
“Being hated for loving freedom has been the strangest experience of my life”
“Being hated for loving freedom has been the weirdest experience of my life”
“Being on the wrong side of history as it repeats itself is like failing an open book test”
“Being on the wrong side of history while it’s repeating itself is like failing an open note test”
“Being part of a major historical event sucks” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under” (social distancing)
“Better 6 feet away than 6 feet under” (social distancing)
“Better six feet apart than six feet under” (social distancing)
“Better six feet away than six feet under” (social distancing)
“Biggest waste of money: my 2020 planner” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Blowing on the wine in your coffee mug to convince the rest of the zoom meeting that it is tea”
“Bourbon (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Brave enough to inject unknown substances into the body, but afraid to breathe air”
“Bro even sleeping gettin boring now”
“Bumping elbows is the new first base”
“Can someone please explain the scientific logic of wearing a mask on a Zoom call?”
“Can we all agree to temporarily raise the bar for what’s considered an ‘alcoholic?‘“
“Can we try turning the country off and on again?”
“Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? This version has a virus”
“Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it? I believe it has a virus”
“Can’t wait for the day I walk down the aisle and hear those magical words: ‘Captain speaking…‘“
“Can’t wait til they legalize outside”
“Can’t wait til tomorrow. I have another big day of hand washing & looking out the window planned”
“Can’t wait till they legalize outside”
“Can’t wait until they legalize outside”
“CDC said y’all can start using your blinkers”
“Children born 9 months from now should be referred to as ‘children of the quarn’”
“Churches and the casinos are closed. When heaven and hell both agree on something…it’s serious”
“Cinco De Mayo on Taco Tuesday and it’s ruined by a virus with the same name as a Mexican beer”
“Clean sperm is the new Bitcoin”
“Co-Vid would be a much better name for Zoom”
“Coercion is not consent”
“Coffee filters can be used as toilet paper, but it does change the taste of the coffee”
“Coffee (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Coinciditis—Myocarditis that coincidentally only affects the vaccinated”
“Communism: You masked for it”
“CONTAGIOUS in a sentence: it will take the CONTAGIOUS to finish painting her house with a brush”
“Corona is an anagram of racoon” (raccoon, as in Resident Evil’s Raccoon City)
“Corona virus explained in craft terms: You and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter”
“Coronavirus & allergy season: I don’t know if I should buy Zyrtec or turn myself in to the CDC”
“Coronavirus be canceling everything but my bills”
“Coronavirus is a poor man’s virus”
“Coronavirus is a poor person’s virus”
“Coronavirus is canceling everything but my bills”
“Coronavirus is like pasta. Made by Chinese. Spread by Italians. Supersized by Americans”
“Coronavirus is to be re-named the Schrodinger Virus” (joke)
“Coronavirus must come from the Corunna region of Indiana, otherwise it’s just sparkling Covid-19”
“Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub. What a bunch of sick fucks”
“Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar…” (bar joke)
“Coughing in public is the new speaking Arabic at airports”
“Coughs and sneezes spread diseases”
“Covid has been found circulating on Norwegian currency. It’s the Kroner virus”
“COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC. What DIVOC is going on?”
“COVID-19 & the flu are like Superman & Clark Kent. You never see them in the same room…”
“Covid19 Facts: The virus can travel 6’. It cannot travel 6’1” or more…” (joke)
“COVID-19 hit during allergy season. I can’t tell if I have 5 days to live or need to take Claritin”
“Covid-19 is like eating raw cookie dough… We know the risk. now let us live our lives”
“Covid-19. It started as a virus and has mutated into an IQ test”
“Covid-19 should be renamed COTTON EYE JOE (where did it come from, where did it go)”
“Covid 19 should be re-named the ‘Common Core Virus’ because shit just ain’t adding up”
“COVID-19, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar…” (bar joke)
“Crazy times we are living in. I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because I want you to stay away from me”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you make me sick” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you spread fast and you’re nasty”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re all I’m thinking about” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you the Coronavirus? Because I’m sick of hearing about you”
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because I want to flatten your curves” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you take my breath away” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you’re killing me” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19?”/“Let me guess. Did I take your breath away?”
“Danger: You are being conditioned to view your freedom as selfish”
“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat”
“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little shits called in a bomb threat”
“Day 6 of quarantine. Preparing to take out the garbage. So excited can’t decide what to wear”
“Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture‘“
“Day 27: The garbage man stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin”
“Day 35 of quarantine; Can you blink a little more quietly please?”
“Days are now divided by coffee hours and alcohol hours”
“Days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today & nextday”
“Dear Bartender, don’t be offended if we ask ’Is there any liquor in this drink?’”
“Dear non essentials that recently started going back to work….hit the gas, we drive fast now”
“Dear Plexiglass; Thank you for protecting me from the masked cashier that just touched everything”
“Did a load of pajamas so I would have clean work clothes this week”
“Did the government’s credibility die OF Covid or WITH Covid?”
“Did the government’s credibility die WITH Covid or FROM Covid?”
“Did the government’s credibility die WITH Covid or OF Covid?”
“Did you hear about the coin shortage? Apparently, America is literally out of common cents”
“Did you hear about the Pokémon that has Covid-19? It was Koffing”
“Do midgets have to stay only 3 feet apart?” (social distancing)
“Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors…”
“Do not make your mask from masking tape”
“Do you have Coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking ah-choo” (pickup line)
“Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper? Because people are losing their shit”
“Does anyone have any spare conspiracy theories? Mine are all coming true…”
“Does anyone know how many snowmen you’re allowed in your garden under current restrictions?”
“Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet? Or are we still just washing our hands?”
“Does anyone know the number that parents are supposed to call if we need a substitute teacher?”
“Does social distancing tack on six additional feet to each active restraining order?”
“Don’t discriminate against my unvaccinated children. They were born that way”
“Don’t follow the science, follow the money”
“Don’t forget to pay your taxes this year. Other countries and politicians are depending on you!”
“Don’t forget to pay your taxes this year. Other countries are depending on you”
“Don’t get Covid-19. They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it’s much better”
“Don’t hate people for being unvaccinated. They were born that way”
“Don’t know how I feel about bars opening back up. Drinks gonna be weak compared to mine”
“Don’t open a ‘Ding, Dong’ email! It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home”
“Don’t open a ‘Knock, Knock’ email! It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home”
“Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I almost asked my wife for her number!”
“Driving alone in your car with a mask on? Do you put a condom on if you’re alone in bed?”
“Due to corona virus, I will not shake hands or hug. You may kneel or bow to me”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking looters to work from home and steal their own property”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking protesters to work from home and destroy their own property”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own property”
“Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened a second register”
“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second checkout lane”
“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second register”
“Due to the quarantine… I’ll only be telling inside jokes”
“Due to the recent outbreak of Corona virus, kissing ass has been temporarily suspended”
“Due to the shortage of cleaning supplies, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap”
“Due to travel restrictions, America had to invade itself this year”
“Due to travel restrictions, the United States had to invade itself this year”
“Due to travel restrictions, the USA had to invade itself this year”
“Due to travel restrictions, this year the United States had to organize the coup at home”
“During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies…”
“Even BINGO got canceled! This has never happened B4”
“Even BINGO got cancelled. This has never happened B4”
“Even if you’re fully vaccinated, the CDC still recommends using your turn signals while driving”
“Even if you’re not conspiracy minded, something in your soul has to be telling you something…”
“Every chef on TV: Today I’m going to show you how to make something with simple ingredients everyone has…”
“Everything for summer is canceled. May as well just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year”
“Everything is cancelled. You know what’s not cancelled? Laundry. Laundry is never cancelled”
“Everything is closing so I’m opening a strip club/breakfast diner/daycare: Tits, Grits & Babysits”
“Ew, 2020”
“Explain it to me like I wear a mask alone in my car”
“Explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car”
“Fake news media is the virus”
“Fear is the currency of control”
“Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father”
“Fencing: The perfect Covid-19 sport. 1. masks 2. gloves 3. closer than 6ft, you stab them”
“Fight 4 your freedom like you fought 4 toilet paper”
“Fight for your freedom like you fought for toilet paper”
“Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver”
“Finding a mask in your pocket is the new finding $5 in your pocket”
“‘Follow the money’ is much wiser advice than ‘follow the science‘“
“Follow the science by following the silenced”
“Follow the silenced”
“Food trucks should park outside every restaurant requiring vaccination cards”
“Food trucks should start parking outside of restaurants that require a vaccine pass”
“For Halloween, I’m going to go as a normal person with no mask”
“For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family?”
“Forced to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation”
“Forgot how expensive outside is” (after quarantine)
“Forgot how expensive outside was” (after quarantine)
“Freedom is not a reward for compliance. That’s how jails work”
“Freedom is not a reward for good behavior. That’s how prison works”
“Freedom is not a reward for good behavior. That’s how prisons work”
“Freemasonry is the real virus”
“Freemasonry is the virus”
“Frustration is knowing that the agenda is not hidden anymore and yet the sheep are still obeying”
“Funny how we were all raised not to be peer pressured into taking experimental drugs, and now…”
“FYI: wearing a mask with your nose sticking out is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off”
“Gardening season is off to a great start: I planted myself in front of a TV…”
“Gas is finally affordable and we can’t go anywhere”
“Gas is finally affordable and we have no where to go”
“Gas is finally affordable and we have nowhere to go”
“Getting infected? Just say no. Coronavirus cannot legally enter your body without your consent”
“Gin (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Giving up collecting Icelandic, Danish, Norwegian and Swedish coins so I don’t get Kronervirus”
“Glad I didn’t waste my money buying a planner for 2020” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Gonna ask my momma if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table”
“Good morning, inmates” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic quarantine)
“Good morning, self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs?”
“Got a cold and it’s making me purchase new vehicles each day. Must be the ‘car owner’ virus”
“Got my first shot. Going to get my second shot as soon as the bartender comes back”
“Got my Pfizer vaccine this morning. Pfeeling pfine!”
“Gotta say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year”
“Govern me harder, daddy”
“Grocery shopping has become a real life version of PAC-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit”
“Gyms must remain open. The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press”