Month 03—March

The following words or phrases are about March:
 
MARCH
“Ain’t it weird liberals celebrate Women’s History Month when they can’t even tell you what a woman is”
“Don’t believe what you see in March or September” (baseball adage)
“Happy Easter, happy spring, happy happy everything”
“I hate this time of the year. It’s like winter and spring are fighting over custody”
“I’m glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally begin”
“I’m glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally start”
“I’m ready for the rest of this week! I have my umbrella, my flip flops, my mittens…”
“I’m ready for the week! I got my umbrella, my flip flops, turtle neck, my suntan lotion…”
“I’m ready to stop complaining about winter and start complaining about summer”
“I’m sorry for the things I said when it was winter”
“It’s almost time to put away my black winter clothes and bring out my black spring clothes”
“It’s spring. Don’t forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on…”
“It’s weird liberals celebrate Women’s History Month when they can’t even tell you what a woman is”
“It’s weird that leftists celebrate Women’s History Month when they can’t even tell you what a woman is”
“I’ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat”
“I’ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat”
“May your devastating winter blues give way to your debilitating spring allergies”
“Me: Will it be hot, cold, sunny or rainy today? Spring: Yes”
“Me: Will it be warm, cold, rainy, snowy or windy today? Spring: Yes”
“Spring cleaning is my favorite way to find out I’m a hoarder”
“Spring cleaning is usually the time of year when I’m reminded that I’m a hoarder”
“Spring is a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be”
“Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush”
“The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can’t be sure”
“This spring I’m looking for someone who has the same allergies as I do”
“This spring I’m looking for that special someone who has the same allergies I do”
“Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you’re wrong”
March Madness (NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship)
Spring Black Friday
 
MARCH (Second Sunday)
“A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones forward one hour”
“Changing the clocks does not change feeding time. Signed Cats Everywhere”
“Changing the clocks does not change feeding time. Signed Dogs Everywhere”
“Changing the clocks does not change feeding time. Signed Pets Everywhere”
“Congratulations to those of you whose microwave clock is right again”
“Daylight didn’t ask to be saved. Daylight didn’t want to be saved”
“Did we do it, did we save the daylight”
“Don’t forget to set your clock on fire this Sunday. Time isn’t real”
“Don’t forget to set your clock on fire tonight. Time isn’t real”
“Happy ‘my car clock is right again’ day to all who celebrate”
“I stayed up to watch daylight savings time. It was still dark”
“I’m so poor my only funds are daylight savings”
“If it weren’t for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I’d never get any exercise at all”
“Spring Forward, Fall Back”
“Today my car clock is right again. My patience has finally paid off”
“What if daylight didn’t want to be saved?”
“What if the daylight didn’t want to be saved?”
“When do we get to cash in all this daylight we’ve been saving?”
“Why not move the clocks ahead on a Friday around 4PM?”
     
MARCH 4 (March fourth/forth)
“What date is also a command?”/“March fourth.”
 
MARCH 5 (305 Day)
305 Day (Miami area code)
   
MARCH 8 (International Women’s Day)
“Happy International Women’s Day to Alexa and Siri. The only women who listen to men”
“Happy Women’s Day to Alexa and Siri, the only women who listen to men!”
“Happy Women’s Day to Alexa, Siri and Bixby. The only women to listen to men”
“Today is International Women’s Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get ready”
 
MARCH 9
“Today is International Women’s Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get ready”
 
March 14 (Pi Day)
“3.14% of sailors are pi rates”
“3.14159265 walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
“22/7 is Pi day. 14/3 is American Pi day”
“A pizza with radius ‘z’ and thickness ‘a’ has a volume of Pi*z*z*a”
“An opinion without 3.14 is an onion”
“Come to the nerd side. We have Pi”
“Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie…”
“Getting a tattoo of pi would be irrational”
“i 8 sum Pi…and it was delicious” (math joke)
“I don’t understand why 14/3 is Pi Day. Isn’t 22/7 a better choice?”
“I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated DVD”
“I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order”
“May I have a large container of coffee right now?” (Pi mnemonic for 3.141592653)
“Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math”
“There once was a girl who loved pi…” (limerick)
“There’s a new pie shop near me. It’s open 22/7”
“What do you get if you divide 22 sheep with 7 collies.”/“Shepherd’s pi.”
“What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?”/“Fat. You get fat.”
“What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?”
“What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?”/“Diabetes.”
“What do you get when you take green cheese & divide its circumference by its diameter?”/“Moon pi.”
“Why did the pirate ask for a loan with 3.142 percent interest?”/“He wanted the pi-rate!”
“Why did the pirate ask to get a mortgage with 3.142 percent interest?”/“He wanted the pi-rate!”
“You are [acute] [tea] [pi]” (a cutie pie)
       
MARCH 15 (Ides of March)
“Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you add 23 knives”
“Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough”
“Celebrating the Ides of March by ordering Little Caesars and cutting the pizza 23 times”
“I thought I’d take a stab at an Ides of March joke”
“If I read one more corny Ides of March joke, I’m going to stab my best friend”
“Somewhere there’s a bottle of Caesar salad dressing with an expiration date of March 15”
“Where are you celebrating the Ides of March?”/“Little Caesars!”
Brutus Salad
Caesar Salad
 
MARCH 17 (St. Patrick’s Day)
“A friend is like a four-leaf clover—hard to find, lucky to have”
“An Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time”
“An Irishman walks out of a bar” (bar joke)
“Arán is Irish for bread. It’s gaelic bread”
“As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way”
“Bad puns on St. Patrick’s Day don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”
“Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were river dancing”
“Did you hear about the man who wanted to sound Irish? He decided to go for brogue!”
“Do leprechauns make good secretaries?”/“Sure, they’re great at shorthand!”
“Drinking green beer is the closest I’ll come to eating a vegetable all year”
“Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day”
“For each petal on the shamrock, this brings a wish your way…” (Irish saying)
“Guinness doesn’t travel well” (drink adage)
“Happy Mexican St. Patrick’s Day” (Cinco de Mayo)
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends … may they never meet!” (toast)
“How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?”/“He’s Dublin over with laughter!”
“How did the Irish jig get started?”/“Lots of beer and only one bathroom.”
“How do leprechauns eat their pancakes?”/“In short stacks.”
“How do you survive an Irish vampire?”/“Repel him with Gaelic.”
“How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” (joke)
“I asked the teenager working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks”
“I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk”
“I have the right to remain silent, but being Irish I don’t have the ability”
“I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance. It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act”
“I wish drinking green beer wasn’t the closest you’ll come to eating a vegetable”
“I’ll be Irish in a few beers”
“I’m giving up drinking for Lent and giving up Lent for St. Patrick’s Day”
“I’m not Irish, but my coffee is”
“I’m not Irish, but my coffee might be”
“I’m respectfully devoting the day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear” (St. Patrick’s Day)
“I’m sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I’m punching someone”
“If I don’t find a pot of gold today, I’ll settle for a pot of coffee”
“If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough”
“Irish by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice”
“Irish I was drunk”
“Irish puns are the most O’ffensive”
“Irish stew…in the name of the law” (knock-knock joke)
“Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day” (knock-knock joke)
“I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God’s greatest gifts he’ll give…”
“Kiss me, I’m Irish”
“Make sure your kilt is short enough to do a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms”
“May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home…” (Irish blessing)
“May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you…” (Irish blessing)
“May the luck of the Irish lead to happiest heights…” (Irish blessing)
“May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back…“ (Irish blessing)
“May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends beneath it never fall out”
“May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch”
“May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience…” (Irish toast)
“May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go”
“May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always…”
“May your kilt be short enough to dance a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms”
“May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light” (Irish blessing)
“May your soul be in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead” (toast)
“May your troubles be less and your blessings be more” (toast)
“My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris”
“No Irish need apply”
“Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere”
“Recipe for Irish stew: Drink the Guinness, forget about the stew” (joke)
“Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick’s Day don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”
“Remember last year on St. Patrick’s Day? Yeah, me neither”
“St. Patrick’s Day is just Cinco de Mayo for gingers living in Florida”
“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love beer”
“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love beer and bad decisions”
“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love fun”
“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love Jameson and bad decisions”
“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love whiskey and bad decisions”
“St. Patrick’s Day puns don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”
“St. Patty’s Day is just Cinco de Mayo for gingers”
“There are two classes of people, those who are Irish and those who lack ambition”
“To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart”
“Too bad alcohol isn’t heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick’s Day”
“Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, and drinks beside the fire…” (Irish blessing)
“Whale oil beef hooked”  (How to speak Irish in one easy lesson)
“What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?”/“Shortstop.”
“What did one Irish ghost say to the other?”/“Top o’ the moaning!”
“What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?”/“He told them to ‘hiss off!‘“
“What did the leprechaun do for a living?”/“He was a short-order cook.”
“What do leprechauns love to barbecue?”/“Short ribs.”
“What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?”/“A jig mistake.”
“What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?”/“A leper-con.”
“What do you call a leprechaun’s vacation home?”/“A lepre-condo.”
“What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?”/“Sean D’Olier”
“What do you call an Irishman who won’t stop bouncing off the walls?”/“Rick O’Shea.”
“What do you call those little green buildings inhabited by Irish wee folk?”/“Leprecondos.”
“What do you get if you cross a leprechaun with a Texan?”/“Pot of chili at the end of the rainbow.”
“What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?”/“A rash of good luck.”
“What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald’s?”/“A Shamrock Shake.”
“What do you say to a leprechaun?”/“How’s the weather down there?”
“What do you think of my Irish stew?”/“It could use a pinch of Gaelic.”
“What kind of bow can’t be tied?”/“A rainbow.”
“What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?”/“Shamrock ‘n’ roll.”
“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for” (Irish proverb)
“What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?”/“St. O’Claus.”
“What’s an Irish windbreaker?”/“Someone who’s had too much corned beef and cabbage.”
“What’s Irish and sits in the back yard?”/“Paddy O’Furniture.”
“What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?”/“One less drunk.”
“What’s the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick’s Day?” (joke)
“When does the leprechaun cross the road?”/“When it’s green!”
“When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?”/“When it’s a FRENCH fry!”
“Where does an Irish family go on vacation?”/“A different bar.”
“Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?”/“In the Little League.”
“Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world”
“Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?”/“They’re very short-tempered!”
“Why are so many leprechauns florists?”/“They have green thumbs.”
“Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?”/“Because they have green thumbs.”
“Why can’t Irishmen be lawyers?”/“They can never get past the bar.”
“Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?”/“Because they’re always a little short.”
“Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?”/“He couldn’t afford plane fare!”
“Why did the leprechaun cross the road?”/“He wanted to reach the pot of gold faster.”
“Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?”/“To keep from falling in the stew!”
“Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?”/“Because the grass tickles their balls.”
“Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold?”/“They like to ‘go’ first class!”
“Why do leprechauns love to garden?”/“They have green thumbs.”
“Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?”/“Regular rocks are too heavy.”
“Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?”/“Do we, now?”
“Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?”/“You shouldn’t press your luck.”
“Your kilt should be short enough for dancing a jig, but just long enough to hide your lucky charms”
BIC (Bronx Irish Catholic)
Corned Beef and Cabbage (Jiggs dinner)
Doctors’ Row (Irish Fifth Avenue)
Double Irish
Irish Amnesia or Irish Alzheimer’s (to forget everything but the grudge)
Irish Coffee (Gaelic Coffee)
Irish Grape (potato)
Irish Handcuffs (alcoholic drinks in both hands)
Irish Nachos
Irish Riviera (Breezy Point)
Irish Seven-Course Meal (includes six pack of beer)
Irish Soda Bread
Irish Turkey (corned beef and cabbage)
Joe O’Malley (Irish coffee)
Leprechaun Cookie
Little Ireland (New York City nickname)
Little Ireland (Woodlawn, Bronx)
Red Mike and Violets (corned beef and cabbage)
Saint Patrick’s Day Parade
Shamrock Cookie
Shamrock Sandwich
Shamrock Shake
 
MARCH 18
“I’m respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick’s Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear”
“March 17 is over, please resume your normal nationality. See you all on May 5”
   
MARCH 20 OR 21 (Spring Vernal Equinox)
“How do trees feel in the spring?”/“Releaved.”
“Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring”
“Spring is here! I’m so excited I wet my plants”
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!‘“
“Spring needs to stand up to winter and kick it in the snowballs”
Brooklyn National Anthem (“Spring is sprung…”)
 
MARCH 27 (International Whiskey Day)
“A man fell in a barrel of whiskey, but he died in good spirits”
“Alcohol, what’s that? It’s not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in Whiskypedia”
“Always carry whiskey in case of snakebite—furthermore, always carry a small snake”
“Democracy, whiskey, sexy”
“Don’t cry over spilt milk. It could have been whiskey”
“Good girls are made of sugar and spice. Country girls are made of whiskey on ice”
“Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky—and a dog to eat the rare steak”
“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!”
“If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel’s is a wheelchair”
“If the ocean was whiskey and i was a duck…”
“Is it whiskey?”/“Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”
“Light as air, stronger than whiskey, and cheap as dirt” (barbed wire)
“Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere”
“Soup of the Day: Whiskey”
“Talk is cheap; money buys whiskey”
“This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel”
“Vodka! Tequila! Whiskey! I call the shots!”
“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for”
“What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?” (joke)
“Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold”
“Whiskey is risky but it makes the girls frisky”
“Whiskey is the hand sanitizer for the soul”
“Whiskey is what beer wants to be when it grows up”
“Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world”
“Who Wants Jack Daniel’s?” or “We Want Jack Daniel’s” (WWJD)
“With organic whiskey, one may attain the stupornatural”
Chocolate Whiskey Cake
Cowboy Cocktail (whiskey)
Pickleback (whiskey and pickle brine)
Snake Poison (whiskey)
Whiskey Ding
Whiskey Wednesday
Whiskey-taw Falls (Wichita Falls nickname)
 
MARCH 31
“Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day” (March 31)