“If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death”
"If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death" is a saying that has been printed on many images. While the statement is meant to be a joke, misophonia (a disorder of…
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs
“If I can hear you chew, I’ve fantasized about your death”
"If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death" is a saying that has been printed on many images. While the statement is meant to be a joke, misophonia (a disorder of…
“If I could cure cancer, you’d say that I put doctors out of work” (bad press)
"If I (a politician) could cure cancer, you'd (the press would) say that I put doctors out of work" is a saying about someone who can never get honest press coverage, no matter what…
“If I could cure cancer, you’d say that I put doctors out of work” (bad press)
"If I (a politician) could cure cancer, you'd (the press would) say that I put doctors out of work" is a saying about someone who can never get honest press coverage, no matter what…
“If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive”
A popular question is asks, "If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would you choose?" Typical answers include one's parents, Jesus, George Washington and Thomas…
“If I could sell just one…” (”$30,000 pencil” sales joke)
A popular sales story is told about a beggar selling pencils on a sidewalk -- for $30,000 a pencil. A man walks buy and tells him that no one will buy a pencil for that price. "Probably…
“If I could walk on water, you’d say that I can’t swim” (bad press)
Jesus walking on water is recorded in three of the Gospels of the New Testament. Walking on water (a miracle) is often compared to swimming (a normal activity). A joke circulated in 1945 that…
“If I could walk on water, you’d say that I can’t swim” (bad press)
Jesus walking on water is recorded in three of the Gospels of the New Testament. Walking on water (a miracle) is often compared to swimming (a normal activity). A joke circulated in 1945 that…
“If I die after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch till da 30th”
"if i die after i pay my rent, i want y’all to put my body up on the couch until the 31st of the month. need to get my money’s worth" was posted on Twiter by saint like laurent on May…
“If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services”
"If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If I die at the gym please put more weight on the bar…
“If I die right after I pay my rent, sit me on my couch ‘til the 31st”
"if i die after i pay my rent, i want y’all to put my body up on the couch until the 31st of the month. need to get my money’s worth" was posted on Twiter by saint like laurent on May…
“If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911”
"If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If I die at the gym please put more weight on the bar…
“If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work”
"If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore" is an anti-work saying that has been printed on may images. "If I died and went…
“If I don’t find a pot of gold today, I’ll settle for a pot of coffee”
"If I don't find a pot of gold today, I'll settle for a pot of coffee" is a saying for St. Patrick's Day (March 17th). The saying has been printed on an image. "If I…
“If I donate my urine, is that an act of philanthropee?”
"Philanthropy" has nothing to do with "pee," but there are jokes. "Philanthropee: Public urination" was posted on Twitter by Bae-anca on May 8, 2013. "If I donate…
“If I drink alcohol, I’m an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?”
"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?" is a jocular statement that has printed on many posters. The saying became popularized in April 2012.…
“If I eat a Dum Dum and a roll of Smarties, will they cancel each other out?”
There are candies and sweets with names such as "Smarties" and "Dum Dums" and "AirHeads" and "Nerds." Do they cancel each other out? "Bought a bunch of…
“If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria—powerhouse of the cell”
Mitochondrion ("mitochondria" is the plural) is known as the powerhouse of the cell. There have been several jokes about "prison" cells. "If I ever go to jail I'm gna…
“If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die”
"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die" is a jocular statement made by an out-of-shape person that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts, hats and…
“If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican’s heart—it’s never been used” (joke)
An old political joke told by Democrats such as Lyndon Johnson, Walter Mondale and Ted Kennedy has a person needing a heart transplant being offered three different hearts -- the heart of someone…