"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when…

“I got food poisoning today I don’t know when I’ll use it” (or “I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it”) is a joke that has been printed on many images. The first line (“I got food poisoning today”) creates the image that the speaker was poisoned, but the second line flips it that the speaker actually wants to poison others. American stand-up comedian Steven Wright told the joke many times in the 1980s and 1990s.

“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it” was printed in the Seattle (WA) Times on January 24, 1986, and in the Richmond (VA) Times-Dispatch on May 16, 1988.

“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it” was printed in The Oregonian (Portland, OR) on October 27, 1989, and on the newsgroup rec.humor on July 26, 1991.

Wikipedia: Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

24 January 1986, Seattle (WA) Times, “The Next Great Comic Character?” by Patrick MacDonald, pg. 5:
“I got food poisoning today,” he remarked offhandedly. “I don’t know when I’m going to use it.”

Newspapers.com
16 May 1988, Richmond (VA) Times-Dispatch, “An evening with Wright is a nice night” by John Wirt, pg. B-9, col. 1:
“I got food poisoning today,” Wright said. “I don’t know when I’m going to use it.”

Newspapers.com
18 June 1988, La Crosse (WI) Tribune, “Quiet comedian is all Wright” by Geri Parlin, pg. A-10, col. 4:
“I just got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it.”

27 October 1989, The Oregonian (Portland, OR), “Wright takes life apart for laughs” by John Foysteon, pg. ?:
“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”

Newspapers.com
16 April 1991, Press & Sun-Bulletin (Binghamton, NY), “Wright sees world in a warped mirror” by Gene Grey, pg. 3E, col. 3:
“I got food poisoning tonight. Don’t know when I’m going to use it.”

Google Groups: rec.humor
Steven Wright
Alan Silverstein
Jul 26, 1991, 12:34:11 PM
(...)
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

Google Groups: bit.listserv.travel-l
dry wit
Joel Schnitzer
Mar 14, 1996, 3:00:00 AM
(...)
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it.

Google Groups: alt.quotations
Food quotes
Dave Wright
Oct 11, 1998, 3:00:00 AM
(...)
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it.
—Steven Wright

Google Books
The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
By Geoff Tibballs
London, UK: Constable & Robinson Ltd.
2004
Pg. ?:
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Twitter
Porgy Tirebiter
@hiloecho
I got food poisoning today I don’t know when I’ll use it
11:01 AM · Sep 5, 2007·Twitter Web Client

Reddit—Oneliners
Posted by u/DetectiveBabyL3gs December 2, 2018
I got food poisoning today. I’m not sure when i’m going to use it…

Twitter
Bob Kostic
@causticbob
I got food poisoning this morning.
I don’t know when I’ll use it.
7:17 PM · Oct 5, 2022·Twitter Web App