“I asked my gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said, ‘How flexible are you?’”
A person can be physically flexible, and the person’s schedule can also be flexible. There are several jokes.
“So I said to the Gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’. He said ‘How flexible are you?’. I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’” was posted on the newsgroup alt.uk.penpals on October 3, 2001. “So I went down to the local gym. I said, Mr. Nasium ... can you teach me how to do the splits? He said, how flexible are you? I said I can’t make Tuesdays” was printed in the book The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book (2010) by Tim Vine. English comedian Tim Vine created the joke.
A contortionist job application (instead of the gym instructor) is sometimes inserted in the joke. “A bloke applied for a job as a contortionist. Interviewer: How flexible are you? Interviewee : I can’t do Tuesdays” was posted on Twitter by graham warren on June 3, 2011. “I went for a job as a contortionist. They said, how flexible are you? I said, well I can’t do Thursdays” was posted on Sickipedia on March 4, 2021.
Wikipedia: Tim Vine
Timothy Mark Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his one-liner jokes, and his role on Not Going Out from 2006 to 2014.
Google Groups: alt.uk.penpals
Some Funnies
Dazza
Oct 3, 2001, 2:53:40 PM
(...)
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
30 October 2001, The Herald (Glasgow, Scotland),“The Diary” by Tom Shields and Ken Smith, pg. 16:
SOMETHING daft to end with? The woman who goes to the personal trainer at the gym and asks: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” The instructor asks: “How flexible are you?” So the eager learner tells him: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Google Groups: alt.jokes
Tim Vine & Tommy Cooper Jokes
Daio
Mar 11, 2002, 4:51:58 AM
Tommy Cooper and Tim Vine jokes, old jokes but worth another read…..
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
21 October 2008, The Sun (London, UK), “Have a laugh! with Tim Vine,” pg. 3:
I PHONED the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The bloke said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
Google Books
The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book
By Tim Vine
London, UK: Century
2010
Pg. 167:
So I went down to the local gym. I said, Mr. Nasium ... can you teach me how to do the splits? He said, how flexible are you? I said I can’t make Tuesdays.
Twitter
Richard White
@_ImOutaHere_
Replying to @BHLC
@BHLC #repundancy Lost my job as a contortionist’s timekeeper! My hours weren’t flexible enough!
6:10 AM · May 24, 2011 from Bracknell Forest, England·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
graham warren
@grahamwarren
A bloke applied for a job as a contortionist. Interviewer: How flexible are you?
Interviewee : I can’t do Tuesdays.
4:49 PM · Jun 3, 2011·Twitter Web Client
Twitter
Boy Called Ben
@calledben
I went for a job as a contortionist, but the hours weren’t flexible enough.
5:41 AM · Nov 1, 2011·Twitter for iPhone
Google Books
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners
Edited by Geoff Tibballs
London, UK: Constable & Robinson Ltd.
2012
Pg. ?:
I asked the gym instructor to teach me to do the splits. He said: “How flexible are you?” I said:“Ican’t do Tuesdays.” Tim Vine
Twitter
Andy the Wise
@andythewise
Applied for job as a contortionist. Was asked how flexible I am.
Well, I can’t do Tuesdays…
7:47 PM · Jul 9, 2014·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
The Mystery Man
@GuessWhoMan
Replying to
@islay13
I’ve applied for a job as a contortionist.
“How flexible are you” they asked.
“I can’t do Mondays” I replied
@islay13
4:20 PM · Jul 10, 2014·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
Abizer Nasir
@abizern
I applied for a job as a contortionist. They asked how flexible I was.
“Well, I can’t do Tuesdays”.
6:42 PM · Jun 29, 2015·Twitter for iPad
Twitter
Qwerty Jones
@QwertyJones3
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
4:35 PM · Jan 15, 2017·Twitter for Android
Facebook
Brianfoley Foley
April 12, 2020 at 11:05 AM ·
Went for a job as a contortionist at the circus the ring master asked if I was flexible,I said I can’t do Thursdays 😞
Twitter
Karen
@jakesauntie
Replying to @DanEdisonComedy
I said to the gym instructor “can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said “how flexible are you?”
I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
Love Tim Vine
2:22 PM · Feb 18, 2021·Twitter for Android
Sickipedia
I went for a job as a contortionist .
They said, how flexible are you?
I said, well I can’t do Thursdays.
No, you fuck off .
Joke by Chunkyfunky in Other - Stupid · March 4, 2021 at 03:12 PM
Reddit—Jokes
Posted by u/VERBERD March 4, 2021
I went for a job as a contortionist…
They asked, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “Well! I can’t do Thursdays.”
Twitter
Bob Kostic
@causticbob
I went for a job as a contortionist .
They said, how flexible are you?
I said, well I can’t do Thursdays.
6:06 PM · Mar 4, 2021·Twitter Web App
Wikipedia: Tim Vine
Timothy Mark Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his one-liner jokes, and his role on Not Going Out from 2006 to 2014.
Google Groups: alt.uk.penpals
Some Funnies
Dazza
Oct 3, 2001, 2:53:40 PM
(...)
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
Twitter
Richard White
@_ImOutaHere_
Replying to @BHLC
@BHLC #repundancy Lost my job as a contortionist’s timekeeper! My hours weren’t flexible enough!
6:10 AM · May 24, 2011 from Bracknell Forest, England·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
graham warren
@grahamwarren
A bloke applied for a job as a contortionist. Interviewer: How flexible are you?
Interviewee : I can’t do Tuesdays.
4:49 PM · Jun 3, 2011·Twitter Web Client
Twitter
Boy Called Ben
@calledben
I went for a job as a contortionist, but the hours weren’t flexible enough.
5:41 AM · Nov 1, 2011·Twitter for iPhone
Google Books
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners<?i>
Edited by Geoff Tibballs
London, UK: Constable & Robinson Ltd.
2012
Pg. ?:
I asked the gym instructor to teach me to do the splits. He said: “How flexible are you?” I said:“Ican’t do Tuesdays.” Tim Vine
Twitter
Andy the Wise
@andythewise
Applied for job as a contortionist. Was asked how flexible I am.
Well, I can’t do Tuesdays…
7:47 PM · Jul 9, 2014·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
The Mystery Man
@GuessWhoMan
Replying to
@islay13
I’ve applied for a job as a contortionist.
“How flexible are you” they asked.
“I can’t do Mondays” I replied
@islay13
4:20 PM · Jul 10, 2014·Twitter for iPhone
Twitter
Abizer Nasir
@abizern
I applied for a job as a contortionist. They asked how flexible I was.
“Well, I can’t do Tuesdays”.
6:42 PM · Jun 29, 2015·Twitter for iPad
Twitter
Qwerty Jones
@QwertyJones3
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
4:35 PM · Jan 15, 2017·Twitter for Android
Facebook
Brianfoley Foley
April 12, 2020 at 11:05 AM ·
Went for a job as a contortionist at the circus the ring master asked if I was flexible,I said I can’t do Thursdays 😞
Twitter
Karen
@jakesauntie
Replying to @DanEdisonComedy
I said to the gym instructor “can you teach me how to do the splits?”
He said “how flexible are you?”
I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
Love Tim Vine
2:22 PM · Feb 18, 2021·Twitter for Android
Reddit—Jokes
Posted by u/VERBERD March 4, 2021
I went for a job as a contortionist…
They asked, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “Well! I can’t do Thursdays.”
Twitter
Bob Kostic
@causticbob
I went for a job as a contortionist .
They said, how flexible are you?
I said, well I can’t do Thursdays.
6:06 PM · Mar 4, 2021·Twitter Web App