A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

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Entry from February 11, 2017
“I want to live with the NY Jets. They don’t beat anybody”

A classic sports joke about a losing team (insert any team’s name) has a judge deciding custody in a divorce proceeding. The child says that both his father and his mother beat him. “Where can I send you?” the judge asks. “I’d like to live with (losing sports team). They don’t beat anybody!” the boy answers.

The joke has been cited in print since at least 1985, when it was told about hockey’s Toronto Maple Leafs.


4 February 1985, Newsday (Long Island, NY), “Inside Hockey” by Pat Calabria, pg. 77, col. 3:
Fall of Leafs inspires a joke
One NHL official actually told this joke: A judge presiding over a divorce proceeding is told by the couple’s son he doesn’t want to live with his mother. “She beats me,” the boy says.

So the judge agrees to send the boy to live with his father. But the boy says, “He beats me, too.”

“Well,” the judge says, “who can I send you to live with?”

“The Toronto Maple Leafs,” the boy replies. “They don’t beat anybody.”

18 July 1985, Philadelphia (PA) Inquirer “The Scene: In Philadelphia and Its Suburbs” by Edge Williams, pg. B2:
A gentleman we know, lunching yesterday at Old Original Bookbinders restaurant, 125 Walnut St., couldn’t help but hear a story being told at an adjoining table. It concerns a boy who was involved in a custody battle in Family Court. After hearing testimony, the judge calls the youngster into his chambers and asks him whether he would like to live with his father.

“No way,” the kid answers. “He always beats me.”

“Well, how about your mother?” the judge says. The boy replies that she always beats him, too. Grandparents? The answer is the same.

“All right,” says the judge, by now more than a mite exasperated. “I give up. With whom do you want to live?”

“With the Phillies,” the kid says. “They don’t beat anybody.”

28 July 1985, Chicago (IL) Tribune, “On Baseball” by Jerome Holtzman, sec. 3, pg. 3, col. 1:
Finally, Ellis Clary, the baseball good-humor man and a longtime scout for the Minnesota Twins, tells the story about a divorce proceeding he overheard in a Florida court.

A young boy was involved and the judge, in an effort to determine who should gain custody, asked him if he wanted to live with his mother.

“No,” he replied. “She beats me.”

“What about your father?”

“He beats me, too.”

“Then how about your grandparents? They seem to be gentle folks.”

“They beat me, too.”

Exasperated, the judge shouted, “Who do you want to live with?”

“The Chicago Cubs. They don’t beat anybody.”

Google Groups: eunet.jokes
Trabant jokes
mark.e.fohl
12/3/90
(...)
Obj: After his parents’ divorce, the little boy was asked by the judge: Do you want to live with your Mother?  To which the boy replied No, she beats me.  The judge replied: Then you want to live with your Father?
No, said the boy, he beats me too.  Said the judge, Who do you want to live with.  The boy said, I want to live with the Cleveland Browns; they don’t beat anybody.

Google Groups: rec.humor
********REDSKINS*********
Milin
1/15/94
Scene: In a court.

Guy:  Judge, I don’t wanna stay with my wife.
Judge:  Why?
Guy:  cos she beats me.
Judge:  Then go stay with your mother.
Guy:  NO, cos she beats me too.
Judge:  Then whom do you wanna stay with???
Guy:  With REDSKINS...,cos they don’t BEAT anybody. grin))

Google Groups: ott.singles
Three Bears
Amanda
7/22/98
THE THREE BEARS
--------------------------------
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were plitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said “No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”

“OK,” said the judge, “then you want to live with your mother, right?”

“No way!” replied baby bear, “She beats me worse than Poppa bear does.”

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t quite know what to do. “Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?” asked the judge. “Yes,” answered baby bear, “my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”

“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.

“Oh definitely,” said baby bear, “the Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”

Google Groups: alt.sports.football.pro.dallas-cowboys
How ‘bout them Cowboys
ÜN®£ÄÐÄßL£
10/26/05
(...)
A Dallas judge was presiding over a custody case.  Being puzzled as to which parent he should grant custody of the little boy, he decided to ask the child just which parent he wanted to live with.

“Do you want to live with your mom?” asked the judge.

“Oh no.” replied the boy. “She beats me.”

“Well then,” the judge continued.  “Do you want to live with your dad?”

“No.” said the boy. “He beats me too!”

Exasperated, the judge queried “Then just who DO you want to live with?”

“The Dallas Cowboys!” declared the child.

“The Cowboys?” asked the judge. “Why them?”

“They don’t beat anybody.” said the little boy.

Posted by Barry Popik
New York CitySports/Games • Saturday, February 11, 2017 • Permalink