A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
“The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee” (3/23)
“My birthstone is a coffee bean” (3/23)
“Coffee helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone streak‘“ (3/23)
“If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever” (3/23)
“Why did the stoner put laxatives in weed brownies?"/"For shits and giggles.” (3/22)
More new entries...

A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z


Entry from March 02, 2017
“Diner: How long will my spaghetti be? Waiter: I don’t know. We never measure it.”

A joke about ordering spaghetti in a restaurant is:

Diner: Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?
Waiter: I don’t know, sir. We never measure it.


The joke was printed in American newspapers in 1975.  British prop comedian Tommy Cooper (1921-1984) is frequently credited with the joke, but it’s uncertain when --and if—he said it.

“Diner: Waiter, will my pizza be long? Waiter: No, sir, it will be round” is a similar joke.


10 August 1975, The Courier-Journal (Louisville, KY), “Funnybone,” iImes Magazine, pg. 20, col. 3:
Diner: “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”
Waiter: “I don’t know, sir. We never measure it.”
Todd Murphy
New Albany, Ind.


28 December 1975, The Sun (Baltimore, MD), Magazine, “Sunday Punch,” pg. 14, col. 2:
Diner: “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”
Waiter: “I don’t know, sir. We never measure it.”

Google Books
Aspects of Verbal Humour in English
By Richard Alexander
Tübingen: Narr
1997
Pg. 42:
After waiting for half an hour in a Soho restaurant the customer called over to the waiter: “How long will my spaghetti be?” he asked. “How should I know”, replied the waiter. “I never measure it.”

12 September 2001, Sault Star (Sault Ste.-Marie, ON), Fred Loader column, pg. B3:
“WAITER! WAITER! How long will my spaghetti be?” “I don’t really know, sir. You see, it’s not part of my duties to measure it.”

Twitter
LadyLeveret © ™‏
@LadyLeveret
I said “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said, “I don’t know ...we never measure it!”
6:22 AM - 22 Dec 2012

Twitter
Dennis Martin‏
@MdsDennis
“I asked the waiter, ‘how long will my spaghetti be?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, we never measure it’” - Tommy Cooper
8:20 AM - 2 Jan 2013

Twitter
Wyn Lewis Jones‏
@Wynlewisjones
I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.” ...Tommy Cooper
6:00 AM - 21 Apr 2014

YouTube
Funnybot Tommy Cooper 5 jokes from the master of comedy
Funnybot
Published on Jan 8, 2017
(...)
#3. I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

Posted by Barry Popik
New York CityRestaurants/Bars/Bakeries/Food Stores • Thursday, March 02, 2017 • Permalink