A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeyes fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

Recent entries:
“You’re legally allowed to park in a handicap spot if you get back with your ex more than twice” (3/18)
“You can legally park in a handicap spot if you get back with your ex more than 2 times” (3/18)
Entry in progress—BP2 (3/18)
“It’s hard to save money when food is always flirting with me” (3/18)
“Don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression…” (3/18)
More new entries...

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"1. Bel canto, 2. Can belto, 3. Can't belto, 4. Can't canto" (four stages of a soprano's life)

"10 out of 10 doctors agree with whoever is paying them"

"10 out of 10 scientists agree with whoever funded them"

"10 out of 10 scientists agree with whoever is paying them"

"$100 is basically an adult dollar"

"100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars"

"10:00am - anything is possible. 2:00pm - but not today"

"101 lemmings walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"11:00am - anything is possible. 2:00pm - but not today"

"13: I'm the worst number. 666: That's cute. 2020: Hold my beer"

1312 (ACAB; All Cops Are Bastards)

"15 years ago the internet was an escape from the real world"

1904 Sandwich

"1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Liquor stores are an essential business"

"1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Marijuana stores are an essential business"

1920s Non-Horseracing "Big Apple" Citations

1920s Vaudeville/Ragtime "Big Apple" Citations

1925-1929: "Big Apple" in The Inter-State Tattler

1928: "On the Big Apple" column

1931: "Around The Big Apple" column

1963: John J. Fitz Gerald obituaries

"1984 is a great book. All kids should be forced to read it"

"1984 is not an instruction manual"

19th Hole (Nineteenth Hole)

2-3 (Austin's 78723 zip code)

2 Dow Shay (two show day)

"2 stages of my life: I should eat & I shouldn't have eaten that much"

"2-step verification implies the existence of cha cha verification"

"2 teach is 2 touch a life 4 ever"

"2 ways to stay healthy: Drink plenty of water and mind your business"

"$20 is like an adult dollar"

"20 years from now kids are going to realize their quarantine haircuts were done by dad's..."

"2000-2009 were the glory years for New Year's Eve party glasses"

2005: Statement from a co-worker of Charles Gillett

Witness (2006): Joe Zito

"2019: Avoid negative people. 2020: Avoid positive people. 2021: Avoid people"

"2019: live, laugh, love. 2020: lather, rinse, repeat"

"2020 has shown me you don't need fun to have alcohol"

"2020 is still better than my first marriage"

"2020: The year health experts told you to avoid the gym"

"2020: The year your wheelie bin goes out more than you"

"$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered"

"22/7 is Pi day. 14/3 is American Pi day"

"24 hours from vine to brine" (pickling adage)

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." (Newman Day)

"25% of a pool is P"

3-6-3 Rule

3-and-B (basketball player providing 3-point shooting and blocks)

3-and-D (basketball player providing 3-point shooting and defense)

"3 generations ago, organic food was just called 'food'"

"3 places you can stay for free: out my business, out my way and out my face"

"3 things to keep private: your love life, your income and your next move"

"30 days hath September..." (January and February joke)

3:05 Cafecito (from 305, the Miami area code)

305 Day (from 305, the Miami area code)

311 (non-emergency call)

"3.14% of sailors are pi rates"

"3.14159265 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

330 Ramp Capital

"4 bases, 3 strikes, 2 teams, 1 winner"

"4 Norse gods, 1 Roman god, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"4 Norse gods, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"4 out of 3 people struggle with math"

40 Acres (University of Texas at Austin)

"40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera"

"Forty minutes of hell" (college basketball saying)

"404: Democracy not found"

"404: Freedom not found"

"4:04 Sleep Not Found"

"4:20 could also be called high noon"

"4/20: National Pot Smokers Day 4/21: National Surprise Drug Test Day"

"42nd Street" (1933)

"4am is the time of day you’re either awake very late or very early"

"4am is when it changes from very late to very early"

"5 out of 4 people struggle with math"

"50% of home ownership is hearing noises and hoping you have ghosts because you can't afford..."

5000 or M5 (dance move)

"50K don't get you to first base in the Big Apple" (Wall Street film, 1987)

"50K don't get you to first base in the Big Apple" (Wall Street film, 1987)

"53rd and 3rd" (1976)

"57 channels and nothing on" (television saying)

5GFlu (5G + flu)

"5Q + 5Q = ?"/ "10Q."/ "You're welcome."

5th Avenue (candy bar)

"6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?" (joke)

"7/11 is a part-time job"

"7 Up is a poor man's Sprite"

"7 Up -- the poor man's Sprite and the rich man's Sierra Mist"

"72 hours later, you're hungry again" (joke about eating deli food)

"78704 -- More than just a ZIP code" ("78704 -- Actually, it's just a ZIP code")

"8 Days a Week" (Black's Barbecue in Lockhart)

"80% of arguments happen because someone hasn't eaten yet"

"80% of arguments start because someone hasn't eaten yet"

"80% of success is drinking enough coffee"

"80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read"

"85% of the Internet considers themselves an introvert and they are all outspoken about it"

"86" (not from Chumley's or Empire State Building)

"87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed"

"9/11 jokes aren't funny. But the other 2 are"

"9/11 jokes aren't funny. They're just plane wrong"

9-11 (One Day's Pay: National Day of Voluntary Service, Charity, Compassion)

"9/11 was an inside job"

"90% of the regrets in my life involve alcohol and the 'send' button"

911 (emergency call)

"9/11 jokes always fall flat"

"95% of electric vehicles are still on the road. The remaining 5% made it all the way home"

98 Nicknames

"99 little bugs in the code" (programming joke)

"99% of my personality is just coffee and I'm OK with that"

"99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately I belong to the 1% of intelligent people"

"A 20 Hz sine wave walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A $300 bat won't fix your 50 cent swing" (baseball adage)

"A 350 credit score prevents identity theft"

"As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they could answer?" (joke)

"A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it's cute. If I do it. I'm an alcoholic"

"A baby seal walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A backward poet writes inverse"

"A backyard barbecue draws two things ... flies and relatives"

"A bacon a day keeps the vegans away"

"A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work"

"A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it"

"A bad football team is like an old bra -- no cups and very little support"

"A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer, for even longer"

"A bad plan is better than no plan" (chess adage)

"A bad play saved by a bad performance" (Broadway saying)

"A bad putt is better than a bad chip" (golf adage)

"A bad settlement is better than a good trial"

"A bad stock trader is called an 'Oxo moron'"

"A bagel is just a boring donut"

"A bagel is just a boring doughnut"

"A bagel is just a healthy donut"

"A bagel is just a healthy doughnut"

"A bagel is just a savory donut"

"A bagel is just a savory doughnut"

"A bagel is just a savoury donut"

"A bagel is just a savoury doughnut"

"A bagel is just a vehicle for cream cheese"

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand"

"A banana is just a vegan sausage"

"A banana is just a vegetarian sausage"

"A band has three years to write the first album and three weeks to write the follow-up"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

"A banker lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back when it rains"

"A bar goes into a guy..." (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a commutative algebraist" (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a man. Oops! Wrong frame of reference" (bar joke)

"A bar was walked into by the passive voice" (bar joke)

"A bar without gin is like an Italian kitchen without pasta"

"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist"

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"

"A bartender walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bartender's job is to poison people"

"A baseball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bass is a bass is a bass" (fishing adage)

"A bean bag is just a boneless sofa"

"A bear walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bear walks into a bar in Billings... (bar joke)

"A beaver walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A belt made of dollar bills would be a waist of money"

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn"

"A bet against a champion is a bad bet"

"A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired" (pun)

"A bicycle is just an acoustic motorcycle"

"A big shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets"

"A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money"

"A bird's nest on the ground" (East Texas saying)

"A bishop, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bishop walks straight into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black hole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black man, a Jew, and an Asian walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A black speck on your TV screen isn't too irritating until you're trying to watch a hockey game"

"A blackberry is a goth raspberry"

"A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God"

"A blind man walks into a bar and says, 'Wanna hear a blonde joke?'" (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a shop with his seeing-eye dog..." (joke)

"A blind person was eating seafood. It didn’t help"

"A blind prisoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors"

"A block of ice is just a loaf of water"

"A bloop hit looks like a line drive in the box score" (baseball adage)

"A blowfly goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blue trip slip for an 8 cent fare..." (horse-car poetry)

"A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money"

"A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat"

"A book dies every time you watch a reality TV show"

"A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame"

"A book walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boomerang is basically a single-player frisbee"

"A boomerang walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boss is like a diaper -- always on your ass and full of shit"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday" (joke)

"A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A brain walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A breakfast of champions means something entirely different to a cannibal"

"A brew will see you through"

"A brownie is like an espresso of cake"

"A brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast"

"A bubble is a bull market in which you don't have a position"

"A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends"

"A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones"

"A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds an office that some Republican wants"

"A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure"

"A burger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A burp is just a fart that took the elevator"

"A burp is nothing more than a smart fart that took the elevator up"

"A bus is like a moving waiting room"

"A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of business"

"A business with no sign is a sign of no business"

"A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones back one hour"

"A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones forward one hour"

"A butcher stands 6 feet tall and wears size 12 shoes -- what does he weigh?" (riddle)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cable TV installer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cactus is a violent cucumber"

"A cactus is just a goth cucumber"

"A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber"

"A calzone is the socially acceptable way for someone to eat a whole pizza"

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee"

"A campaign for re-election is a referendum on the incumbent"

"A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance"

"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter" (joke)

"A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners"

"A cardiology video is totally clips of the heart"

"A careful driver is one who just saw the car ahead of him get a traffic ticket"

"A case of the Mondays" (school/work saying)

"A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I said, 'Just put the money in a bag!!'"

"A cat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A celebrity works hard to be well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized"

"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness"

"A champion is someone who is willing to be uncomfortable" ("Be comfortable being uncomfortable")

"A champion team will always beat a team of champions"

"A charcuterie board is just a deconstructed pepperoni pizza"

"A cheese grater implies the existence of a cheese lesser"

"A cheese grater makes cheese lesser"

"A cheese omelette is an egg quesadilla"

"A cheese sandwich is just a raw grilled cheese"

"A cheeseburger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A chef is a man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day"

"A chemist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chia pet walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chicken and an egg walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up"

"A chicken nugget is a meatball"

"A chicken walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes"

"A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction"

"A chiropractor is a hip-pop artist"

"A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing"

"A classroom is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A clean browsing history is also a dirty one"

"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer"

"A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection"

"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day"

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise"

"A clockwork toy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A closed mouth doesn't get fed"

"A closed mouth gathers no feet"

"A coach who listens to the fans ends up sitting with them"

"A code walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away"

"A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer"

"A colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat. Don’t ask meow"

"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there"

"A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny"

"A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours"

"A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary"

"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain"

"A committee is twelve people doing the work of one"

"A community bound by books" (BookPeople slogan)

"A compliment is verbal sunshine"

"A compromise is a deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted"

"A computer keyboard is a word piano"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"

"A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles"

"A conscience is like a boat or a car. If you feel you need one, rent it" (J.R. on Dallas tv series)

"A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run"

"A conservative is a man who worships a dead radical"

"A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now"

"A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt"

"A conservative man is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits"

"A ‘conspiracy theorist’ is someone who figures out the truth before most people"

"A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps the watch"

"A consultant is someone who lives out of town"

"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee"

"A contortionist in the Philippines would be a Manila folder"

"A cookbook is only as good as its poorest recipe"

"A cookbook is only as good as its worst recipe"

"A cookie a day keeps the sadness away"

"A cop pulled me over and said, 'Papers.' So I said, 'Scissors, I win!' and drove off"

"A corn maze is a maize maze"

"A corn stalk walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A corndog is just a meat lollipop"

"A corndog is just a meat popsicle"

"A corndog is just a meat Twinkie"

"A correction is when you lose money and a bear market is when I lose money"

"A country with a government" ("A government with a country")

"A Covid nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her I always dress like this"

"A cowboy is a man with guts and a horse"

"A crab walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

A Crappy Test ("ACT" backronym)

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation"

"A criminal's best asset is his lie-ability"

"A critic enters the battlefield after the war and shoots the wounded"

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car"

"A crow walks into a bar, and he says 'ouch'. It was a crow bar" (bar joke)

"A crow walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A crow walks into a bar. It becomes a crowbar" (bar joke)

"A crowded parking lot means good food" (restaurant adage)

"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door"

"A cult is a religion with no political power"

"A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent"

"A cup of coffee won't change the world, but it's a great start"

"A cup of tea solves everything"

"A cupcake is happiness with icing on top"

"A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a public as base as itself"

"A dangling modifier walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dangling participle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A day late and a dollar short"

"A day may come when I get enough sleep and don't need coffee. But it is not this day"

"A day of anarchy is worse than a hundred years of tyranny"

"A day without coffee is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A day without wine is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A day without wine isn't over yet"

"A DBA walks into a NoSQL bar..." (bar joke)

"A deaf guy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A deal is a deal" (business saying)

"A default sans-serif font walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A defenseman needs 300 games to learn how to play" (hockey adage)

"A Democrat will give you the shirt off my back"

"A detained knight should consult a graphic designer. Apparently they free lance a lot"

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure"

"A dickhead walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"

"A diet is what helps a person gain weight more slowly"

"A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width"

"A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch"

"A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries"

"A digital ID is not to identify yourself. It is to track and trace your every move"

"A dining car is a chew-chew train"

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age"

"A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell so that you look forward to the trip"

"A diplomat is anyone who thinks twice before saying nothing"

"A diplomat is a person who can be disarming even though his country isn't"

"A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol"

"A doctor walks into a bar..." ("hickory daiquiri doc" bar joke)

"A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep" (proverb)

"A dog may be man's best friend, but he won't pick you up at the airport"

"A dog may be your best friend, but they won't pick you up at the airport"

"A dog prepares you for kids. A cat prepares you for teenagers"

"A dog walks into a telegram office..." (joke)

"A dollar-three-eighty"

"A donut is just a dessert bagel"

"A doughnut is just a dessert bagel"

"A dressmaker sews what she gathers; a farmer gathers what he sows"

"A drinking establishment for brass enthusiasts: HornPub"

"A drummer with good time doesn't exist" (joke)

"A drunk dyslexic wanks into a jar" (bar joke)

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"

"A duck walks into a bar and asks, 'Got any grapes?'" (bar joke)

"A duck walks into a bar and says, 'Put it on my bill'" (bar joke)

"A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'Waddle it be?'" (bar joke)

"A dwarf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra" (bar joke)

"A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams, 'Air in the hands, mother stickers!'"

"A face for radio"

"A Facebook stranger doesn't like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers"

"A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer's wave goodbye"

"A falling leaf is summer's wave goodbye"

"A family checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject"

"A fat person doesn't eat what's right, but eats what's left"

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be"

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be"

"A female janitor asked if I'd do some weed with her. I can't deal with high maintenance women"

"A ferry is the poor man's cruise ship"

"A few oil wells make ranching a fine business"

"A figure of speech literally walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A file folder walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A filibuster is a long speech about nothing by an authority on the subject"

"A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination"

"A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing okay"

"A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password"

"A fire hydrant has H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside"

"A fireman runs into a school clutching a screwdriver and shouts, 'This is not a drill!'"

"A fish in sea" ("efficiency" pun)

"A fish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A fisherman is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other"

"A fisherman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A five-dollar bill walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A food court implies the existence of food crime, and a food judicial system"

"A food system dependent on chemicals is not a food system, it's a chemical system"

"A food truck is the opposite of a drive-thru"

"A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place"

"A fool and his money are soon audited"

"A fool and his money are soon elected"

"A fool and his money are soon partying"

"A foolish faith in authority is the enemy of the truth"

"A football team that has two quarterbacks has no quarterback"

"'A fraction of the cost' is misleading as hypothetically, something could be 3/2 of the cost"

"A fraudster who installs kitchen worktops got arrested. He was charged with counter fitting"

"A Frenchman drinks his native wine, a German drinks his beer..." (toast)

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet when you are fat"

"A friend got some vinegar in his ear. Now he suffers from pickled hearing!"

"A friend in need is a damned nuisance"

"A friend is like a four-leaf clover -- hard to find, lucky to have"

"A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden"

"A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway"

"A friend of wine is a friend of mine"

"A friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, 'that's bananas'"

"A friend tweeted 'what’s a simile?' I clicked the 'like' button"

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship"

"A frog walks in to a bar and orders a 'Wodka'..." (bar joke)

"A fruit farmer told me: 'I eat what fruit I can, and what I can't I can'"

"A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia, but a veggie might"

"A full mind is an empty bat" (baseball adage)

"A full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach"

"A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand"

"A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth" (Kinsley gaffe)

"A" Game

"A game of inches" (sports saying)

"A game of solitaire is probably one of the slowest ways to sort a deck of cards"

"A gathering of baboons is called a congress"

"A gentleman is a man who can play the saxophone but doesn't"

A Genuine Texas Town (Rotan slogan)

"A German walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ghost walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giant lightbulb walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gig is worth ten rehearsals" (music adage)

"A giraffe walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giraffe walks into a bar and the barman says..." (bar joke)

"A giraffe walks into a bar. Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo" (bar joke)

"A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat..."

"A girl loved me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet"

"A girl was knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I had to let her out"

"A goal without a plan is just a wish"

"A goal is a dream with a deadline" (management aphorism)

"A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot"

"A goaltender is a team's best penalty killer" (hockey adage)

"A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A goat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top"

"A goldfish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it"

"A golf cart is a sports car"

"A golf club walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A golf course is a site to be holed"

"A good big man will beat a good little man" (boxing adage)

"A good bowl of pasta is worth every penne"

"A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door"

"A good date ends with dinner. An awesome date ends with breakfast"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good driver can make a poor car look good, but not the other way around"

"A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze"

"A good insurance company knows how to handle acclaim"

"A good man can make you feel sexy...oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that"

"A good mother loves her children. A great mother still loves them when they're teenagers"

"A good number of my friends are racist. Precisely zero -- and that is a good number"

"A good pair of running shoes can last 400 miles" (running adage)

"A good part of online school is that there are no school shootings"

"A good percentage of my friends are Nazis. That percentage is zero"

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow"

"A good pun is its own reword"

"A good putter is a match for anyone and a bad putter is a match for no one" (golf adage)

"A goose walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch"

"A government that forces you to account to them for the way you spend your money, but..."

"A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television"

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend"

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween"

"A grapefruit is a lemon that had a chance and took advantage of it"

"A grasshopper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A grave twenty-three inches long" (a newspaper column)

A great place to hang your hat (Paris, Texas slogan)

"A great way to protect yourself from the sun is drinking wine in the shade"

"A green Thanksgiving means a white Christmas"

"A group of dolphins is called a pod. And a group of falcons is called a cast..." ("podcast")

"A group of homophones wok inn two a bar..." (bar joke)

"A group of kids is called a migraine"

"A grown up silly straw is called a serious straw"

"A gun in the hand beats a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth more than the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun is like a beer cooler: It should be fully loaded before use and completely empty after"

"A gun in the hand is better than two cops on the phone"

"A guy named Bart walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A guy only 3 feet, 3 inches tall showed up at my house. It was the meter man"

"A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A guy walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A guy walks into a bar with an octopus..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gyro is a Greek taco" ("A gyro is a lamb taco")

"A half-truth is a whole lie"

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hamburger a day keeps the vegans away"

"A hamburger doesn't have a front or back until you bite it"

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (joke)

"A hand up, not a handout"

"A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't"

"A happy customer tells a friend; an unhappy customer tells the world"

"A happy fighter is a dangerous fighter" (boxing adage)

"A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man..."

"A harp is a piano after taxes"

"A haunted house, but for dads and all the lights are on. All of them"

"A haunted house for dads, but it's during a sunny day and all the lights are on inside"

"A healthy attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier!"

"A heart shaped pizza is less pizza! Stay woke"

"A heart the size of Texas" or "A heart as big as Texas" (Texas saying)

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer"

"A high five is just a multiplayer clap"

"A highway to hell implies the existence of public transportation to heaven"

"A hipster walks into a bar you’ve never heard of" (bar joke)

"A hit dog will holler"

"A holding company is where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you"

"A Hong Kong second is a New York minute"

"A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse goes into a bar and says, ‘Can I have a large aperitif?'" (bar joke)

"A horse runs into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar anti-joke)

"A horse walks into a bar. Show jumping at its worst" (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey!' ..."

"A horse walks into a barn..." (bar joke)

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running"

"A hospital is no place to be sick"

"A hot dog is just an American taco"

"A hot dog is the opposite of a chili dog"

"A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future what a can of soda will cost in 20 years"

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams"

"A house is made of wood and stone, but only love can make a home"

"A house is not a home without a dog"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A hug in a mug" (coffee, hot cocoa, soup, tea)

"A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert"

"A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room..." (joke)

"A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he cleaned the house"

"A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he cleaned the whole house"

"A hyperbole totally ripped into the bar and absolutely destroyed everything!" (bar joke)

"A hypocrite is a fellow who is not himself on Sundays"

"A hypocrite is a person who is not himself on Sunday"

"A hypocrite is someone who's not themselves on Sunday"

"A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar... (bar joke)

"A jazz musician is someone that puts a $5,000 horn in a $500 car and drives 50 miles for $5 gig"

"A jellyfish's mouth is also its anus. The politician of the sea"

"A Jewish fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school"

"A job is more than a paycheck. It's also a place where you cry in the bathroom"

"A joke walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A journalist is an unemployed reporter"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"

"A jumper cable walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer"

"A jury is one thing that never works when it's fixed"

"A keg but for iced coffee"

"A keyboard walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought, ‘That’s not very mature'"

"A King caught his Queen watching Pawn one Knight in the Castle and decided to report to the Bishop"

"A klutz walks into a bar" (bar joke)

"A knight in shining armor is a man who's never had his metal truly tested"

"A knight on the rim is dim" (chess adage)

"A knish is just a mashed potato Hot Pocket"

A la Minute

"A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A landscaper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A large aperitif: contents of an Italian horse's mouth"

"A large dog's favorite pastry is a Great Danish"

"A large group of Karens is called a Homeowners' Association"

"A large group of Karens is called an HOA"

"A late train gets later" (transportation adage)

"A lawsuit is something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose"

"A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer"

"A lawyer helps you get what's coming to him"

"A lawyer is someone who writes an 80-page document, and calls it a 'brief'"

"A lawyer prevents somebody else from getting your money"

"A lawyer’s first duty is to make sure that only the client goes to jail"

"A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade"

"A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way"

"A leader leads by example, whether he intends to or not"

"A leader must inspire or his team will expire"

"A leadoff walk always scores" (baseball adage)

"A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel"

"A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight begins"

"A liberal is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air"

"A liberal is a person who will give away everything he doesn't own"

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren’t at stake at the moment"

"A libertarian is a conservative who's been busted"

"A libertarian is a liberal who learned economics"

"A libertarian is a Republican who smokes pot"

"A libertarian is someone who believes in the non-aggression principle..."

"A library is a hospital for the mind"

"A license is when the government takes away your right to do something, then sells it back to you"

"A license is what you get when the gov't steals your rights away from you and then sells them back"

"A lick and a promise"

"A lie has speed, but truth has endurance"

"A life of frustration is inevitable for any coach whose main enjoyment is winning"

"A life without brisket is a life not worth living"

"A life without memes is memingless"

"A limbo dancer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A line in the sand" (Col. Travis in 1836; Pres. Bush in 1990)

"A linguist walks into a bar and orders an IPA..." (bar joke)

"A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep"

"A lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"A lion never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"A little birdie told me my golf skills are improving"

"A Little Bit of New England in the Bronx" (Johnny's Reef)

"A little government involvement is just as dangerous as a lot"

"A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation"

"A loaf of bread, a pound of meat, and all the mustard you can eat!" (hot dogs)

"A loaf of bread is really just a deck of carbs"

"A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage"

"A long term investment is a short term investment that failed"

"A lost opportunity is better than lost money" ("Missed money is better than lost money")

"A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine"

"A lot of people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make"

"A lot of people don't like Mondays, but 48 hours ago was a sadder day"

"A lot of people my age are dead"

"A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday"

"A lot of women are turning into good drivers. If you're a good driver, watch out for turning women"

"A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math"

"A macaron is just an Oreo that studied abroad"

"A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue"

"A magician was driving down the road. Then he turned into a driveway"

"A malapropism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A male feminist walks into a bar because it was set so low" (bar joke)

"A man bitten twice by the same snake is a fool"

"A man doesn't walk into a bar..." (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man doesn't walk into a pub..." (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)

"A man fell in a barrel of whiskey, but he died in good spirits"

"A man has been stealing wheels from police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch him"

"A man in a hat got a tan" (Manhattan)

"A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man in debt is caught in a net"

"A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won't need it now"

"A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"

"A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy"

"A man on a tractor drove past me shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!' It was Farmer Geddon"

"A man overdosed on curry powder and went into a korma"

"A man promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day. So he took her to a baseball park"

"A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A man spilled his Scrabble set on the road. I asked, 'What's the word on the street?'"

"A man takes a drink...then the drink takes the man"

"A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes"

"A man takes his wife to get tested..." (joke)

"A man using Apple maps walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks for a Corona and two Hurricanes..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks the quickest way into town..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and hears a voice say, 'Nice tie!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and says, 'Give me a beer before problems start!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a smartly dressed woman..." (lawyer joke)

"A man walks into a bar... and stays there my entire childhood" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus..." (bagpipes joke)

"A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism problem is destroying his family" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar in New Orleans..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a gun..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a newt..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a library and asks if there are any books on poor eyesight..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a Soviet shop and asks, 'You don't have any meat?'" (scarcity joke)

"A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car...." (joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelves?'" (joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelving?'" (joke)

"A man with authority walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two is never sure"

"A man without a government is like a lion without a circus"

"A manager eyes the bottom line; a leader eyes the horizon"

"A Man’s Breakfast: Eggs, bacon, and a goddamn gun"

"A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time: pills or stairs"

"A man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus"

"A marathon runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A marathon runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A marathoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Marine on duty has no friends" (Marine Corps proverb)

"A market that rallies on bad news could signal a bottom' (Wall Street adage)

"A Marxist is someone who loves humanity in groups of one million or more"

"A mask is not a political statement. It's an IQ test"

"A masochist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mathematician walks into a bar and orders ten times the drinks of everyone else..." (bar joke)

"A Matter of Taste" (Tasti D-Lite)

"A McDonald's sign said, ‘All Day Breakfast.' I thought, 'I don’t have time for that'"

"A meal without wine is breakfast"

"A meatball is just a bite-sized meatloaf"

"A meatball sub is basically just an Italian taco"

"A median and a mode walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A meeting is no substitute for progress"

"A microwave is an easy bake oven for adults"

"A midget stumbles out of the bar... He was a little drunk"

"A midget walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mile wide and an inch deep"

"A Milky Way is just a female Snickers"

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (bar joke)

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (tech joke)

"A million kids want to clean up earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms"

"A million kids want to clean up the Earth. A million parents want it started with their bedrooms"

"A mimosa is just a socially acceptable breakfast screwdriver"

"A minimalist walks into a bar" (bar joke)

"A Möbius strip walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A model railroad is never finished" (adage)

"A model railway is never finished" (adage)

"A modern bar mitzvah is more 'bar' than 'mitzvah'"

"A mole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips"

"A month does not a trend make"

"A morning without coffee is like sleep"

"A mother gave birth during flight. The baby was airborne"

"A mother holds her children's hands for a while, but their hearts forever"

"A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people..."

"A motion to adjourn is always in order"

"A movement is over when the news is out" (Wall Street adage)

"A movie ticket for baby should cost at least $50"

"A muffin is a bald cupcake"

"A mugger robs a congressman" (joke)

"A mugger says to a university student, 'Your money or your life!'" (joke)

"A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered. Archaeologists believe it's Pharaoh Roche"

"A music store was robbed. The robbers made off with the lute"

"A musical comedy must have good legs for a long run"

"A mute walks into a bar and says..." (bar joke)

"A naked woman gets into a taxi..." (jokes)

"A naked woman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nap is just a shortcut to your next meal"

"A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler"

"A nation of sheep"

"A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves"

"A nation owned by weapons manufacturers will never know peace"

"A nation run by bankers will never be out of debt"

"A nation that allows a small segment of its citizens to write the laws will never know justice"

"A nation that cannot control its borders can't control its destiny"

"A Nazi walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nectarine is just a bald-headed peach"

"A nectarine is just a peach with a Brazilian wax"

"A nectarine is just a shaved peach"

"A nectarine is just a smooth peach"

"A neoconservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality"

"A Nestle Crunch bar is beans and rice"

"A neutrino walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutrino walks through a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutron walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A new broom sweeps clean, but an old broom knows all the corners"

"A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu, but it just tasted like paper to me"

"A new school, For a new century, In a new neighborhood" (Claremont Prep)

"A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages"

"A new study has shown that the best time to brew a pot of coffee is right freaking now"

"A new study shows that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a shopping cart"

"A new supermarket opened near my house..." (joke)

"A new year is unfolding -- like a blossom with petals curled tightly, concealing the beauty within"

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other"

"A New Yorker is someone who longs for New York"

"A New Yorker learns to drive by yelling 'taxi'"

A New Yorker's View of the World

"A newspaper is a daily miracle"

"A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places"

"A nickel a shtickel"

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"

"A nickel gets you on the subway, but garlic gets you a seat"

"A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A non sequitur walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nonrenewable natural resource walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nose walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day"

"A number 12 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nun, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nut for a jar of tuna" (palindrome)

"A one hour workout is only 4% of your day. No excuses"

"A pair of dice walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A panda bear was frying up some bacon and eggs. It was a frying pan, duh"

"A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’"

"A panda walks into a restaurant..." (joke)

"A pansexual is someone who adores pan pizza from Pizza Hut"

"A paper cut is a tree's last revenge"

"A paper never refuses ink"

"A parking meter is a device that enables you to do two hours' shopping in one"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A party in my tummy"

"A party in your mouth" (a taste sensation)

"A party without cake is just a meeting"

"A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants"

"A patient cured is a customer lost"

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government"

"A peach is just a hairy nectarine"

"A peanut sat on a railroad track. His heart was all a-flutter..."

"A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank"

"A pencil is an acoustic pen"

"A penguin walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A penguin walks into an airport..." (joke)

"A penny found is worth more than a penny earned because a penny earned is taxed"

"A penny saved is a Congressional oversight"

"A penny saved is actually more valuable than a penny earned because you don't pay taxes on it"

"A penny saved is ridiculous"

"A pepperoni pizza Lunchable is just a portable charcuterie board"

"A perfectionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer"

"A person of unspecified gender walks into a bar.." (bar joke)

"A person who cares for chickens is a chicken tender"

"A person who makes coffee makers is a coffee maker maker"

"A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner"

"A person with a liberal arts degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person with an art degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person with no face and no name who loves to eat is omnomynous"

"A person without data is just another person with an opinion"

"A pessimist is a well-informed optimist"

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities..."

"A pessimist is one who sees a disaster in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity..."

"A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty"

"A pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel..."

"A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative"

"A photon checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building" (joke)

"A pickle is a cucumber soured by a jarring experience"

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it will take longer to download"

"A pie doesn't grow through its slicing"

"A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery"

"A piece of gold walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar... (bar joke)

"A piece of sod walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of turf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pig walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York"

"A pilot is just a flying bus driver"

"A pint of Guinness has less calories than a pint of orange juice"

"A pirate walks into a bar, and it was at that moment..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head..." (bar joke)

"A pizza is technically a cylinder"

"A pizza with radius 'z' and thickness 'a' has a volume of Pi*z*z*a"

"A plateau is a high form of flattery"

"A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck..." (bar joke)

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A Pokémon Go user walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview" (joke)

"A politician can make waves, then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship"

"A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it"

"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground"

"A politician is someone who will lay down your life for his country"

"A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman of the next generation"

"A politician who's poor is a poor politician"

"A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office"

"A politician would attend the opening of an envelope"

"A politician's back-slapping and hand-shaking is spoiled by leg-pulling"

"A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy"

"A positive attitude is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier"

"A potato kugel is just a deep dish latke"

"A potato walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..." (bar joke parody)

"A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A principle isn't a principle until it costs you money"

"A prisoner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A problem is a chance for you to do your best"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep"

"A professor must have a theory, as a dog must have fleas"

"A programmer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pub is for life, not just for Christmas"

"A puddle of vomit goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pun walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A QA engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A quesadilla is essentially a grilled cheese sandwich"

"A question mark walks into a bar?" (bar joke)

"A quick nickel is better than a slow dime"

"A race horse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time"

"A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously"

"A Rastafarian walks into a bank with a bag of marijuana. He wanted to open a joint account"

"A Rat In The House May/Might Eat The Ice Cream" ("arithmetic" spelling aid)

"A real friend never gets in your way -- unless you happen to be on the way down"

"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works"

"A real sign that you’ve made it is when your couches aren’t against a wall"

"A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips"

"A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips"

"A really bad impressionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A really big shew" (The Ed Sullivan Show)

"A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose your job"

"A recipe is a story that ends with a good meal"

"A reckless driver is one who passes you, in spite of all you can do"

"A rectangular prism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A refrigerator is a place to store leftovers until they are old enough to throw out"

"A reindeer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. You play games"

"A restaurant for young cows is a calfé" (calf + café)

"A rib a day keeps the vegans away"

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money"

"A riot is the language of the unheard"

"A rising tide lifts all boats" (Wall Street proverb)

"A robot walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rock guitarist plays 3 chords to 3,000 people; a jazz guitarist plays 3,000 chords to 3 people"

"A rock in bad hands killed Abel. A rock in good hands killed Goliath. It's not about the rock"

"A rock walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rolling loan gathers no loss" (banking adage)

"A rolling stone gathers no moss. but a moving ceiling fan gathers dust like a motherfucker"

"A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus..." (bar joke)

"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers..." (bar joke)

"A room and bath for two and one-half" (Commodore Hotel, now Grand Hyatt)

"A rosé by any other name would taste as sweet"

"A rubber band was confiscated during algebra because it was a weapon of math disruption"

"A runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A safety net should be a trampoline as opposed to a hammock"

"A salad is just a deconstructed sandwich"

"A salad without radicchio? That's just radicchio-less"

"A salt truck implies the existence of a pepper truck"

"A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat"

"A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed."

"A scared nickel never made a dime" (business adage)

"A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on"

"A science teacher had his students observe and report on the condensation..." (joke)

"A screwdriver walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A seat on the New York Stock Exchange is a license to steal"

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student"

"A selfie with a celebrity is the new form of an autograph"

"A semicolon broke the law; it was given two consecutive sentences"

"A shady business never yields a sunny life"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ship does not sail with yesterday's wind" (political proverb)

"A sign for a strip club during the day: 'Sorry, we're clothed'"

"A sign said 'Lobster Tails $2.' I paid $2 and was told, 'Once upon a time there was a lobster...'"

"A signature reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name"

"A simile walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A single bee is ignored, but when millions come together, even the bravest run in fear"

"A single kernel of corn is a unicorn"

"A single piece of corn is technically a unicorn"

"A six-sided man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skeleton walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skyscraper is a machine that makes the land pay"

"A sloppy joe is just a chili sandwich"

"A slurpee is just a boneless popsicle"

"A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral and inadequate"

"A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland. The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks"

"A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is"

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight"

"A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool"

"A smoothie implies the existence of a roughie"

"A smoothie is a meal that a robot has pre-chewed for you"

"A Smurf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snail walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snake walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snowbank implies the existence of snowmoney"

"A snowflake is winter's butterfly"

"A soccer ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A socialist is someone who wants everything you have, except your job"

"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves"

"A sod farmer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A soft-boiled egg is the lava cake of eggs"

"A soft taco is just an unfolded burrito"

"A software tester walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A soup can't go bad if you just never stop boiling it..."

"A space heater makes a great housewarming gift"

"A spark plug walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A spice thief had his own spices stolen. I guess you could say he had it cumin"

"A spider just crawled into my keyboard. It's okay, I've got it under Ctrl"

"A spill, a slip, a hospital trip" (safety slogan)

"A spoon is just a bowl on a stick"

"A spoon is just a small bowl with a handle"

"A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A SQL query goes into a restaurant..." (joke)

"A SQL query walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A square and a circle walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A state of emergency that lasts 2 years is no longer a state of emergency. It is a dictatorship"

"A state of emergency that lasts two years is no longer a state of emergency. It’s a power grab"

"A statesman is a politician who is dead"

"A statesman is any politician it's considered safe to name a school after"

"A steak a day keeps the vegans away"

"A stew boiled is a stew spoiled"

"A stinky man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A stir fry is just a hot salad"

"A stock doesn't know where it has been" or "A stock doesn't know you own it" (Wall Street proverb)

"A stock is worth what someone is willing to pay for it" (Wall Street adage)

"A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money & your wife is still around"

"A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A string walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A strong butt is the key to a happy life"

"'A' students teach 'B' students to work for 'C' students"

"A subatomic particle refused to pay bus fare. It just lepton"

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him"

"A Sunday well spent brings a week of content"

"A superconductor walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A supreme court implies the existence of a meatlovers court"

"A surgeon, an architect, and a politician" (joke)

"A Swedish Fish is that which has no Finns"

"A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA..." (bar joke)

"A synonym strolls into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A system that has no problems printing currency without wealth will print votes without voters"

"A tablespoon is to eat tables with"

"A taco is a beef love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A taco is a fish love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A taco is just a Mexican hot dog"

"A tall guy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A taxpayer voting Democratic is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle"

"A tax can be fair or simple, but not both"

"A tax loophole benefits the other guy; if it benefits you, it's tax reform"

"A taxi is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A taxpayer voting Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A taxpayer voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A teacher takes a hand, opens a mind and touches a heart"

"A teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A team is a reflection of its coach" (sports adage)

"A teetotaler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A-ten-hut!" or "Ten-hut!" ("attention" command)

"A tenement house in Greenwood" (soup with greens)

"A tennis ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tepid vote counts the same as a wildly enthusiastic vote"

"A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'" (bar joke)

"A testing engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan is a Mexican who couldn't swim to Oklahoma" (dirty joke definition)

"A theater without beer is just a museum"

"A theory should not attempt to explain all the facts, because some of the facts are wrong"

"A thief believes everybody steals" (proverb)

"A thief entered a theatre. He stole the spotlight"

"A thief is more moral than a congressman. When a thief steals your money..."

"A three-legged dog walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Tibetan monk sees Jesus in a tub of margarine and cries, 'I can't believe it's not Buddha!'"

"A tie game is like kissing your sister"

"A time-stretched sinusoid walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A time traveler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tomato is technically a fruit, but it usually identifies as a vegetable. It's a transplant"

"A ton of money" (a large amount of money)

"A topiary expert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tortilla chip is just a biodegradable spoon"

"A towel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A town legalized pot, but banned alcohol. The residents were left high and dry"

"A town so small, people only lock their car doors during the zucchini harvest"

"A town with a lot of park benches is a sity"

"A tradition unlike any other" (The Masters golf tournament)

"A tragedy is a ship full of bankers sinking. A catastrophe is when they can all swim"

"A train is like a moving waiting room"

"A treadmill is basically a hamster wheel for humans"

"A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense"

"A truck carrying onions has overturned. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on"

"A truck full of guitar pedals crashed on I-5. Expect delays"

"A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway. The traffic has ground to a halt"

"A truck full of Vicks VapoRub overturned. Police are saying there will be no congestion for 24hrs."

"A truckload of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area"

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success"

"A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg, even though you're slightly cracked"

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down"

"A true friend sees the pain in your eyes, even when you have a big smile on your face"

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty"

"A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes"

"A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can't believe it's not better"

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Tuesday after a holiday is like a double whammy Monday"

"A turducken is technically a stuffed animal"

"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A TV channel dedicated to 24-hour cricket coverage should be called 'No Rest For The Wicket'"

"A Twitter stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"A Twizzler is the beef jerky of candy"

"A tyrant doesn't ask for power over you. A tyrant asks for power over your neighbors"

"A university is a city in outer space"

"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in the students"

"A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it's not that good"

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in"

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking"

"A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup"

"A vegetarian is a person who doesn't eat anything that can have children"

"A ventriloquist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A veteran is someone who wrote a blank check to the United States of America"

"A Viagra shipment was stolen today. Cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals"

"A violinist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A virologist, an epidemiologist and a scientist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A virus didn’t change our lives. A tyrannical government did"

"A voice for print"

"A vote for freedom is never wasted"

"A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. 'Sorry, only one carrion is allowed'"

"A waffle is a pancake with a non-skid tread"

"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake"

"A waffle is just a pancake's alter Eggo"

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap"

"A waffle without the letter W is just awful"

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind"

"A walk is as good as a hit" (baseball adage)

"A watched pot never boils"

"A Way of Life" & "Think Less, Feel Better" (New York Health & Racquet Club)

"A weasel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A weatherman was sacked because of cold, gloomy forecasts. No more mist and ice guy"

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day"

"A week is a long time in politics"

"A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous"

"A wet man does not fear the rain"

"A wildebeest walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A win is a win" (sports adage)

"A wine tasting is the only time it's okay to ask a woman in public if she spits or swallows"

"A winner is a dreamer who never gives up"

"A winner makes commitments. A loser makes promises"

"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins"

"A winter poem: Shit, it's cold. The end"

"A wireless bra? It was tricky enough; now I need a password?"

"A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks, it's undercooked'"

"A wise doctor once wrote... [scribbles]"

"A wise man can always be found alone. A weak man can always be found in a crowd"

"A wise man once said, 'Fuck this shit'"

"A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone"

"A wise person once said, 'Fuck this shit'"

"A wise woman once said 'fuck this shit' and she lived happily ever after"

"A woman and a duck walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection..." (joke)

"A woman notices her ex-husband drinking at the bar..." (joke)

"A woman voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre" (bar joke)

"A woman's place is in the kitchen"

"A working man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A world without tomatoes is like a string quartet without violins"

"A world without weird people is like vanilla ice cream without the sprinkles"

"A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti and says, 'That was some orgy!'"

"A writer must always tell the truth (unless he's a journalist)"

"A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army"

"A yawn is a silent scream for coffee"

"A year from now you will wish you had started today"

"A young person voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A young person voting for a Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders"

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Zamboni is a sports car"

"A zombie walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

ABC ("Anyone But the Cowboys")

ABC Rule (Anything But Cabernet; Anything But Chardonnay)

ABCNNBCBS (ABC + CNN + NBC + CBS)

Abilene Distorter-News (Abilene Reporter-News nickname)

Abilenian (inhabitant of Abilene)

"Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter"

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"

"Abortion is not healthcare because killing isn't healing"

"Abortion: It really brings out your inner child"

"Abortion really brings out the kid in you"

"About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas; it leaves most of us in the red"

About the Site Editor

"About the time we think we can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends"

"About to put on a suit and tie for the party. Yes, I'm dressing up for Halloween"

Above-way (proposed monorail to complement subway)

Abovetexas (Oklahoma nickname)

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absinthe makes the fart grow stronger"

"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absolute safety enslaves absolutely"

Absolutely Awful or Always Awful (American Airlines nickname)

"Absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh"

Absolutely Pathetic (Associated Press or AP nickname)

"Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation"

"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers"

Absurdistan

"Abundance -- Big party held in a bakery"

ABV Disease (Anything But Vaccines)

ACAB (All Communists Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Coppers Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards)

"Academia is like a pie-eating contest where the reward is more pie"

"Accept people as they are. Believe in what they can become"

"'Acceptable level of unemployment' means the government economist has a job" (Nowlan's Truism)

Access To Money ("ATM" backronym)

"'Accidentally' buy the potato chips your spouse doesn’t like so you don’t have to share"

"Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened..."

"Accidentally drank invisible ink... I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen"

"Accidentally just closed 32 tabs on my computer browser..."

"Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7"

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties"

"According to my nipples, spring isn't here yet"

"According to my nipples, summer is over"

"According to my nipples, summer's over"

"According to my nipples, there's a 99% chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"According to my nipples, there's a ninety-nine percent chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"Accordion to research, most people will not notice musical instruments appearing within sentences"

"Accounting is the language of business"

Acela Primary or Amtrak Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

"Achieved a new personal best in the 100 yard dash today -- 43 yards"

"Acknowledge the corn" (to confess or acknowledge a charge)

"Alcoholics don't run in my family. They stumble around breaking stuff"

Acquikill (acquire + kill)

"Acres and acres, and she's all mine!" (Texas size joke)

Acropolis of America (Morningside Heights)

"Act before you think" (acting adage)

"Act your wage"

"Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances"

"Acting is living truthfully under imaginary circumstances"

"Acting is reacting" (acting adage)

"Acting is the ability to dream on cue"

"Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often"

"Actor can read the telephone book" (actor's saying)

"Actor: What's my motivation? / Director: Your salary"

"Actors have to dream to order"

Actors Stewdio (Jim Downey's Steak House nickname)

Actors Stewdio (nickname of Jim Downey's Steak House, near the Actors Studio)

"Acupuncture is a jab well done"

"Acute alcoholic: an attractive drunk"

"Adam and Eve lived appley ever after"

Adam and Eve on a raft (poached eggs on toast)

"Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions"

"Adam and Eve weren't Chinese. They would have sold the apple and eaten the snake"

"Adblock should buy out Times Square and replace signs with 'This ad blocked by Adblock'"

"'Addict' makes it sound so negative. Let's just say I have a high coffee absorbency rate"

Adding "public advocate" to the OED

"Adding 'showed up to work during the apocalypse' to my résumé"

Addisonian (inhabitant of Addison)

Adirondack Bear Paw or Adirondack Black Bear (ice cream)

Administration's Press (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Admiral's Row or Officer's Row (Brooklyn Navy Yard buildings)

Adobo Sauce

Adopt-a-Highway

"Adult friendship is really just shooting off texts like yes hello I'm not dead yet can I arrange to see you in four to six weeks"

"Adult life is a constant cycle of 'I just need to get through this week', every week..."

"Adult life is hard, but at least we don't have to do P.E anymore"

"Adult life may be difficult, but at least we don't have to do P.E. anymore"

"Adult life might be full of pain and suffering, but at least we don't have to do P.E. anymore"

"Adult on board. I want to live too!" (vehicle sign)

"Adult with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Adulthood has showed me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood has shown me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street & then getting hit by an airplane"

"Adulthood is shopping for office supplies instead of school supplies"

"Adulting be like: Paycheck: $624.42 Bills: $597.63"

"Adulting is soup and I am a fork"

"Adults are just kids who owe money"

"Adults are just kids with money"

"Adults on board. We want to live too!" (vehicle sign)

"Adventures in Heroism" (Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum)

Adventures NYC

"Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records"

"Adversity doesn't build character -- it reveals it"

"Adversity introduces a man to himself"

"Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing"

"Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on"

"Advertising is what you pay for; publicity is what you pray for"

Adzillatron (Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium scoreboard nickname)

Seagan (sea + vegan)

Aer Fungus or Air Fungus (Aer Lingus nickname)

"Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises..."

Aeroflop (Aeroflot nickname)

Aerosplat (Aeroflot nickname)

"Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping? Try online dating!"

African American Day Parade

African Diaspora Film Festival & African Diaspora Summer Film Series

Africa's Big Apple (Lagos nickname)

"After 30, you can’t eat Taco Bell and have sex in the same day"

"After 40, you can’t have Taco Bell and sex in the same day"

"After 8 beers I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road..." (joke)

"After all the eating I did over the holidays, I am happy to report that my socks still fit"

"After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face..."

"After all this bullshit, we better be in the next bible"

"After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them"

"After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it"

"After drinking whiskey, driving is risky"

"After drinking whisky, driving is risky"

"After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat..."

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After I finish my morning cup of coffee, I like to take a break and have a cup of coffee"

"After I'm done snacking, I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a black jack dealer"

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF"

"After playing guitar for years, I thought I could learn to play the piano..."

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging"

"After six months of listening to people talk with masks on..."

"After spending any amount of time on social media you can understand..."

"After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails"

"After whiskey, driving risky"

"After whisky, driving risky"

"After winning, I threw the ball into the crowd. Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling"

"After work, I volunteer to help blind children" (joke)

Afterburners (Jalapeño Shrimp Poppers)

AG (Attorney General or Aspiring Governor)

"Age and glasses of wine should never be counted"

"Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese"

Agent Orange Corn (GE corn)

Agflation (agriculture + inflation)

Agg Town or Aggtown (Arlington nickname)

Aggie Jokes

Aggie Punch

Aggie (Texas A&M nickname)

Agita (Agida; Acida)

"Agree with me on 9 of 12 issues, vote for me. Agree on 12 of 12, see a psychiatrist" (Ed Koch)

"Agriculture majors who become farmers always find a job in their field"

"Ah, nothing like the smell of freshly brewed magical psychotic rage stabilizer in the morning"

"Ahmed walks into Abbar..." (bar joke)

AIDS Walk

"Aim so high that others will think you're crazy"

Aimez-vous Glamis (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" curse)

AINO (American In Name Only)

Ain't I Greedy or Aren't I Greedy (American International Group or AIG nickname)

"Ain't no fuckin way that whole Siberian Orchestra is trans"

"Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone"

Ain't Really Men Yet ("army" backronym)

"Aioli have eyes for you"

"Aioli is just bougie mayonnaise"

"Aioli is just mayo that studied abroad"

"Aioli is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad"

Air Chance (Air France nickname)

"Air conditioning implies the existence of air shampooing"

Air Conditioning in a Glass (Rickey cocktail nickname)

"Air fryers are easy bake ovens for adults"

"Air fryers are the easy bake ovens many of us never got as children"

Air Fungus or Aer Fungus (Aer Lingus nickname)

"Air Jordan implies the existence of Water Jordan, Earth Jordan, and Fire Jordan"

"Air Jordans imply the existence of Water Jordans, Earth Jordans and Fire Jordans"

Airforce Rejected Me Yesterday ("army" backronym)

Airline Food (Airplane Food)

"Airline pilots are the truckers of the sky"

Airmageddon (air + Armageddon)

Airmelon (air + melon; jocular formation after "watermelon")

"Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you"

Airpocalypse (air + apocalypse)

Airport Test (employee selection test)

Airport Test (Pittsburgh Airport Test)

"Airports are like post offices for humans"

"Airports are like post offices for people"

Aisle Hog

"AK -- means the gun was manufactured in Alaska" (joke)

Akaushi Beef (Akaushi Cattle)

Al-CIAda (Al-Qaeda + CIA)

Al Dante (al dente + Dante Alighieri)

Al Pastor (Cabrito Al Pastor; Carne Al Pastor; Tacos Al Pastor)

Al-Reuters or Al Reutzeera (Reuters nickname)

Alabama: Lizard (nickname)

Alabama: Yellowhammer State (nickname)

Alain Locke and Harlem Renaissance as the "Big Apple" (1920s; suggested in 1988)

Alambres (Mexican Shish Kebab)

Alamo (black cube at Astor Place)

Alamo Bowl

Alamo Burger

Alamo City (San Antonio nickname)

"Alamo has no back door" (Maury Maverick, Jr.)

"Alarm clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack"

Alaska: The Last Frontier (nickname)

Albany: Albany Beef

Albany, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

Albany: Politicana (nickname)

Albany: Steamed Hams (hamburgers)

Albany: Sturgeondom (nickname)

Albany: "What is the Easter bunny's favorite state capital?"/"Albunny, New York."

Albatross (golf score)

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix -- never drink and derive"

"Alcohol - Because no good story starts with someone eating a salad"

"Alcohol...Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative"

"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk"

"Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the tension, the bra, the panties and a host of other problems"

"Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 90%"

"Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains"

"Alcohol is bad for my legs."/ "Do they swell?"/ "No, they spread."

"Alcohol is karaoke fuel"

"Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality"

"Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is 'What is C2H5OH?'"

"Alcohol is not the answer; it just makes you forget the question"

"Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop"

"Alcohol is the WD-40 for my brain"

"Alcohol is the WD40 of social interactions"

"Alcohol is yeast urine"

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy"

"Alcohol may be the road to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route"

"'Alcohol may intensify the results of this medication.' Is this a warning or a suggestion?"

"Alcohol (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

"Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole..."

"Alcohol: The WD40 for conversations"

"Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency"

"Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in Whiskypedia"

"Alcohol you later"

"Alcoholic? No, my dear, I prefer the term 'drinking enthusiast'"

"Alcoholic seltzer is millennial Zima"

"Alcoholism is a disease. Get your shots here!" (bar sign)

"Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it"

"Alderman, your saloon is on fire!"

"Alexa, check my bank balance and tell me which Apple product can I buy?"/"Apple juice."

"Alexa. delete my belly"

"Alexa, do the dishes"

"Alexa, homeschool my kids"

"Alexa, homeschool the children"

"Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations"

"Alexa, wash the dishes"

Alexander/Gin Alexander/Brandy Alexander/Coffee Alexander (cocktail)

Algebro (algebra + bro)

Algonquin Cocktail

Algonquin Hotel ("Gonk" & the "Round Table")

Alibi Ike

ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed)

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse"

"All bags of M&Ms are family size when you're an orphan"

"All bananas are strippers"

"All barbecue experts are self-proclaimed"

"All bets are off in bankruptcy"

"All broth and no beans"

All Bullshit Channel (ABC nickname)

All But Dissertation (ABD)

"All Cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is Cognac"

"All Communists Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Coppers Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Cops Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat"

"All Cows Eat Grass" (ACEG music mnemonic)

"All currencies eventually go to zero"

All Day I Dream About Sports (Adidas backronym)

All Dressed Bagel

All Dressed Hot Dog

All Dressed Pizza

"All drugs are 'safe and effective' when they're making billions of dollars"

"All eggs are poached eggs"

"All gaps eventually get filled"

"All gave some, some gave all"

"All governments lie about everything and you are programmed not to question anything..."

"All gurgle and no guts"

"All hotel rooms look the same with the lights off"

"All I ask is if we arm the teachers, the librarians get silencers"

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I do is work, go home, blink a few times then it's back to work"

"All I know about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All I know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All I need is coffee & mascara"

"All I need is mascara and caffeine"

"All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus”

"All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt"

"All I want for Christmas is a self-cleaning house"

"All I want for Christmas is to be off the car extended warranty call list"

"All I want is a two-income household and to live alone"

"All I want is food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and more pay for not getting it done"

"All I want is my kids to go to sleep so I can watch shows with bad words and eat hidden snacks"

"All I want is peace, love, understanding, and a chocolate bar bigger than my head"

"All I want is someone to love me like I love coffee"

"All ice dispensers have only two settings: 1.No ice; 2.Holy Mother of God, that's too much ice!!!"

"All I'm saying is you've never seen me crying and drinking coffee at the same time"

"All I’m saying is you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time"

All Investments Gone (American International Group or AIG nickname)

"All lawyers are jerks" (lawyer joke)

"All men are created equal, and then a few become firefighters"

"All money is both 'hard' and 'easy' -- hard to get and easy to spend"

"All mothers were summoned when George Floyd called out for his momma"

"All mushrooms are edible, but some mushrooms are only edible once"

"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard a horse sing a song"

"All my life I have called it a cookie sheet and today I heard someone call it a cooking sheet"

"All my life I thought air was free...until I bought a bag of chips"

"All my passwords are protected by amnesia"

"All NYC subway stations are in the same building, there's just really long hallways"

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather -- it pays no attention to criticism"

"All of us stuck at home should call random numbers in India & ask about the extended car warranty"

"All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing"

"All our customers bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our guests bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our visitors bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders" (restaurant sign)

"All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can eat the hidden snacks"

"All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats"

"All pets and some children must be kept on a leash" (sign)

"All politics is local"

"All porpoise flour is NOT dolphin safe"

"All pro athletes are bilingual; they speak English and profanity"

"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors"

"All publicity is good publicity" ("There is no such thing as bad publicity")

"All-purpose flour has a limited number of uses"

"All roads that lead to success have to pass through Hard Work Boulevard at some point"

"All show and no go"

"All suspect milk is innocent until proven guilty in a quart of law"

"All that and a bag of chips" (intensifier of "all that")

"All that and a plate of fries" ("All that and a plate of chips")

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"

"All the coffee in Colombia won't make me a morning person"

"All the gold in Fort Knox" (a large sum of money or riches)

"All the News That's Fit to Eat" (The Food Section)

"All the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair"

"All the scary things you claim would happen without the state are things that are currently..."

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening"

"All the young people today are stealing bus stop signs. Where do they get off?"

"All things are possible with coffee and mascara"

"All things are possible with coffee and a cute outfit"

"All things are possible with coffee and cowboy boots"

"All things are possible with tequila and lipstick"

"All things come to those who wait, but when they come they're out of date"

"All this anxiety better be burning calories"

"All those crosses along highways. Christians are terrible drivers"

"All we know about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All we know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved"

"All wine is mulled wine, if you think about it"

"All wine is mulled wine when you think about it"

"All work and no play will make you a manager"

"All You Can Eat"

"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife"

"All you need in life are a few good friends and a few good drinks"

"All you need is a chip and a chair" (poker adage)

"All you need is love and a good cup of coffee"

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need to run is a pair of shoes" (running adage)

"Allagaroo!" (CCNY cheer)

Allergy Capital of the World (Austin nickname)

Allicin Wonderland (allicin + Alice in Wonderland)

Alligator Capital of Texas (Anahuac nickname)

Alligator in the sewers (urban myth)

Alligator Spread

"Allspice is only one spice"

"Allspice is the most arrogantly named spice"

Almighty Dollar

Almond Boneless Chicken (ABC)

"Almond Joy implies the existence of Almond Despair"

"Almond Joy implies the existence of Almond Sadness"

"Almond milk coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle"

"Almond milk is for baby almonds"

"Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars"

Almost Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

"Alpha, Delta and Omicron walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Alphabet City (East Village, Manhattan)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet Mafia

Alphabet Mafia (media companies)

Alphabet Network (ABC nickname)

Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup (agency names)

"Alphabet soup? More like Times New Ramen, am I right?"

"Alphabet spaghetti on toast is delicious. Spread the word"

Already Been Canceled (ABC nickname)

Already Been Cancelled (ABC nickname)

Alt Left

Alternate side of the street parking

"Alternative medicine that works is called medicine"

"Although COVID-19 spreads mostly via the mouth and nose, scientists now conclude..."

"Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of the albums"

Aluminati (aluminum + Illuminati, and jocularly associated with tinfoil hats)

"Always a Pleasure" (Nedick's)

"Always ask for a receipt because you never know when you'll need an alibi"

"Always Be Clicking" ("ABC" of the Internet)

"Always Be Closing" ("ABC" of selling)

"Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it"

"Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman"

"Always borrow money from a pessimist -- he doesn't expect to be paid back"

Always Broadcasting Crap (ABC nickname)

"Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you'll need. Better safe than sober"

"Always buy the bigger bottle... Better safe than sober"

"Always carry whiskey in case of snakebite -- furthermore, always carry a small snake"

"Always check, it may be mate" (chess adage)

"Always dress like it’s the best day of your life"

"Always get the big bottle. Better safe than sober"

"Always jingle all the way! Nobody likes a half-assed jingler"

"Always keep a bottle of tequila in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Tuesday"

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes a special occasion..."

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Monday"

"Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like Wednesday"

"Always keep tequila in the fridge for special occasions. Sometimes the special occasion is..."

Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival (Alitalia backronymic nickname)

"Always look on the bright cider life"

"Always Open" (nyc.gov)

"Always pre-heat the oven before putting the meat in"

"Always preheat the oven before you put the meat in"

"Always Real, Always Harlem" (Coca-Cola slogan)

"Always remember, the first four letters in 'butter' is where it's gonna go"

Always Seek Knowledge ("ask" backronym)

Always Think Forfeiture (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives or ATF nickname)

"Always together, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"Always writing my name in cursive is my signature move"

"Am I getting older or has the supermarket begun playing great music"

"Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music"

"Am I going to put the Christmas tree up myself? No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

"Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to be a better person? Also no"

"Am I supposed to ask for followers? Asking for a friend"

Amabot (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Amarilloan (inhabitant of Amarillo)

"Amateurs manage money by taking risk; professionals manage risk by taking money"

"Amateurs open the market, but professionals close it" (Wall Street adage)

"Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics"

"Amateurs teach amateurs to be amateurs"

Amateursecco (amateur + Prosecco)

Amazin' Mets (Amazins)

"Amazon fire, Apple air, Google earth -- now it's time for Microsoft water"

"Amazon is basically Acme from the Roadrunner cartoons"

"Amazon trucks should play a jingle so we know they're coming"

"Amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming"

"Amazon trucks should play a song just like the ice cream trucks do"

Amazon Washington Post (Washington Post nickname)

Amazonesia (Amazon + amnesia)

Amazonnesia (Amazon + amnesia)

Amber Alert

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy"

"Ambition is for people who don't have enough sense to be lazy"

"Ambition is putting a ladder against the sky"

"Ambition is the first step to success. The second step is action"

"Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in"

Ambrosia

Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Chasing

Amcrap (Amtrak nickname)

Amcrash (Amtrak nickname)

"Amen and awomen"

Amen Corner

"America: A nation of sheep, owned by pigs, ruled by wolves"

"America at this point in history is like the collapse of the Roman Empire but with WiFi"

"America is a healthy body; its resistance is its patriotism, morality and spiritual life"

"America is being conditioned to view freedom as selfishness"

"America is great because she is good"

"America is the best country in the nation"

"America is the first nation in history founded on an idea"

"America is the greatest country in the nation"

"America is the only country in the world where even people who hate it refuse to leave"

"America is the only country in the world where even those who hate it refuse to leave"

"America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole"

"America isn't the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest"

"America sure is having some bad luck. It's like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground"

"America: Texas and 49 bitches"

"America the Beautiful" (1902 revisions)

"America: The country so great that even its haters refuse to leave"

"America: The land where God saves and Satan invests" (anti-NRA slogan)

"America will never be destroyed from the outside"

"America will never forgive blacks for slavery"

"America without her soldiers would be like God without His angels"

Americagasm or Amerigasm (America + orgasm)

"American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"American cheese is just regular cheese that's not afraid to fight for freedom!"

"American chess players be like, 'That's a checkbro'"

American Chop Suey

American Communist Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Communist Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

"American conservatives are pretty homophobic for people so proud of their four fathers"

American Crafts Festival; Autumn Crafts Festival

American Criminal Liberties Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Criminal Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Dream

American Exceptionalism

"American wasabi is just really spicy horseradish dyed green"

"American Idol can count 130 million votes during a commercial break. No excuse for this"

"American Idol can count 130 million votes in a commercial break. This is annoying"

American-in-Waiting

American-Jewish Plymouth Rock (Lower East Side)

American Moron Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Morons Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Murder Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Murderers Association (American Medical Association or AMA nickname)

American Parasite (Candida nickname)

American Pizza (pizza topped with hot dogs and french fries)

"American politics are played between the 40-yard lines"

American Pravda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

American Pravda (CNN nickname)

American Riviera

American Spring

American Stinker (American Thinker nickname)

"Americans are getting stringer. 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries"

"Americans are getting stronger. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry $100 in groceries"

"Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took 2 people to carry $10 worth of groceries"

"Americans have more food to eat than any other people and more diets to keep them from eating it"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars"

"Americans talk dry, but drink sweet" (wine adage)

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic"

"America's chickens are coming home to roost"

America's Cup (Damon Runyon's "watching grass grow")

America's First Suburb (Brooklyn Heights)

"America's gun problem? Too few people carry one"

"America's Labor Bank" (Amalgamated Bank)

America's Mad Playground (Coney Island)

America's Mayor

America's Most Interesting City (New Orleans nickname)

"America's Motor Lunch" & "A Tasty Meal Served at Your Wheel" (Pig Stand slogans)

America's National Credit Card

America's Sweethearts (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders nickname)

America's Team (Dallas Cowboys)

Amerikkka or AmeriKKKa (America + Ku Klux Klan)

Ameritopia (America + utopia)

Ameritude (America + attitude)

Amero (proposed North American currency)

Amhole (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Ammosexual (ammo + sexual)

Amquack (Amtrak nickname)

Amsterdam: Carpet City (nickname)

"Amtrak implies the existence of Aretrak and Istrak"

Amtrak of the Sky (nickname of various airlines)

Amtrak Series or New Jersey Turnpike Series or I-95 Series or Liberty Series (Philadelphia vs. NY)

Amtrak with Wings (Delta Airlines nickname)

Amtrash (Amtrak nickname)

"An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did"

"An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had"

"An acid and a base walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise"

"An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body"

"An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut"

"An actuary is a someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it"

"An advertising agency is 85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission"

"An after-dinner speech -- 'Check, please'"

"An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor, but not right away"

"An airplane doesn't make money sitting on the ground" (airline adage)

"An alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor"

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do"

"An allusion walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An alpaca had a parasite removed from around its mouth. It was alpaca lip tick"

"An amateur photographer worries about equipment..." (photography aphorism)

"An amnesiac walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anagramist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anteater walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anti-Semite is someone who hates Jews more than is strictly necessary"

"An apology is a promise to do things differently next time, and to keep the promise"

"An aposiopesis walks into a -- " (bar joke)

"An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day is nonsense. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everybody away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit"

"An Apple fan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An apple for (the) teacher" (apple-polisher)

"An apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without the squeeze"

An apple tree on every street (2013 movie explanation)

"An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough"

"An archaeologist is just a grave robber with a degree"

"An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject"

"An armed man is a free man"

"An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a slave"

"An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a subject"

"An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, 'Nobody move!'"

"An armed society is a polite society"

"An army is like spaghetti -- you can pull it, but not push it"

"An aspect of democracy is the belief that everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything"

"An atheist is a man who buys a ticket to the Notre Dame-SMU game and doesn't care who wins"

"An athlete dies twice" (sports proverb)

"An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar..." (joke)

"An auditor is a watchdog, not a bloodhound"

"An Australian marsupial hops into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An easy way to make your water taste better is to simply add coffee"

"An economist finds something working in practice and wonders if it will work in theory"

"An economist is a man who knows tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today"

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible"

"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's"

"An educated citizenry is a vital requisite for our survival as a free people"

"An Educated Consumer Is Our Best Customer" (Syms Clothing)

"An eel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An egg salad sandwich is still technically a chicken salad sandwich"

"An ego and a superego walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An electrician arrives home at 3 a.m. His wife asks him, 'Wire you insulate?'"

"An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications"

"An elf walks into a bar. A dwarf walks under it" (bar joke)

"An elf walks into a bar. A hobbit walks under it" (bar joke)

"An email after 3pm on a Friday is next week's concern"

"An empty bottle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An empty fortune cookie is very unfortunate"

"An empty stomach is not a good political adviser"

"An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf" (joke)

"An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel..." (joke)

"An English teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don't walk into a bar" (bar joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Those were the days" (bar joke)

"An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist all walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An espresso martini is just a classy Four Loko"

"An espresso martini is just a Four Loko with a 401k"

"An espresso martini is the rich man’s Four Loko"

"An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An executive is a man who makes quick decisions and is sometimes right"

"An exhaustive list of decisions I need the government to make for me: [blank lines]"

"An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money"

"An Experience at Every Table" (Benihana)

"An expert is a man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy"

"An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study"

"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less"

"An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame"

"An honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus..." (joke)

"An ice cream man's success is literally defined by how well they can lure children"

"An ice cube is just a loaf of water"

"An idea is just a dream until you write it down, and then it's a goal"

"An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it"

"An ignorant thief robs a freight-car. An educated thief steals the whole railroad."

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An income is what you can't live without or within"

"An income tax form is like a laundry list—either way you lose your shirt"

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer"

"An Indian flatbread currency would be naan cents"

"An infectious disease walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An informed citizen will always be the biggest threat to the system"

"An infra-red photon walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An insect landed on my soft French cheese, briefly"

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows"

"An Intimate Place to Learn, in the Heart of a Great City" (York Prep)

"An investment banker has good news and bad news" (joke)

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest"

"An investment portfolio is like a bar of soap; the more you touch it, the smaller it gets"

"An Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time"

"An Irishman walks out of a bar" (bar joke)

"An IT guru walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An Italian restaurant served pasta cooked out of the eighth circle of hell. It was al Dante"

An ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other.

"An odd day. Found a hat full of money, then got chased by a guy with a guitar"

"An old lady at the Indian restaurant said, 'Aren't you polite!' It was my complimentary nan"

"An omelet is just an egg quesadilla"

"An omelette is just an egg quesadilla"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion"

"An optimist is a person who has no trouble seeing the bright side of your problems"

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day"

"An optimist laughs to forget and an pessimist forgets to laugh"

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year"

"An ounce of behavior is worth a pound of words" (acting adage)

"An Oxford comma walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An oxymoron walked into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house…” (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house..." (joke)

"An SQL query goes into a restaurant..." (joke)

"An SQL query walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it"

"An unemployed jester is nobody's fool"

"An utter waste is defined as a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats"

"An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her"

Anadama Bread

"Analogy is not the study of buttholes"

"Anarchism is the radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchism is the revolutionary idea that no one is more qualified than you are to decide your life"

"Anarchism is the revolutionary idea that you are not state property"

"Anarchism: The radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchists of the world, unite!"

"Anarchists when they discover that they have a body part called the 'prostate'"

"Anarchists when they find out they have a prostate and not an antistate" (joke)

"Anarchists when they realize there's a part of their body called the 'prostate'" (joke)

"Anarchists when they realize they have an organ called the "prostate'" (joke)

"Anarcho-Tyranny -- the worst of both worlds"

"Anarchy doesn't mean chaos or disorder. It means freedom from an oppressive centralised authority"

"Anarchy doesn’t mean chaos or disorder, it means freedom from an oppressive centralized authority"

"Anarchy doesn't mean out of control. It means out of their control"

"Anarchy is better than no government at all"

"Anarchy is the radical notion that other people are not your property"

"Anarchy is the revolutionary idea that no one is more qualified than you are to decide your life"

Anchor Democrat (anchor baby + Democrat)

Anchorman or Anchor Man (America's Anchorman)

"... And all I got was this lousy T-shirt"

"And crown thy good Red Riding Hood" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

"And crown thy good with Robin Hood" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

"And gradually, though no one remembers exactly how it happened, the unthinkable becomes tolerable"

"And here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning"

"And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out"

"And it's gone" (money quickly lost)

"And nobody got hurt!"

"And on the 8th day God made coffee" ("And on the eighth day God made coffee")

"And on the eighth day God made coffee" ("And on the 8th day God made coffee")

"And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich"

"And the donut just stood there with a glazed expression"

"And the horse you rode in on"

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life!'" (joke)

"...and then I was like, I'm just going to pour myself a bottle of wine and call it a day"

"And then the people said 'no.' The end"

"And to the republic for Richard Sands" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stands" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stans" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for Richard Stanz" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And to the republic for witches dance" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"And today's forecast... You gon' have swamp ass"

Angel Bond

Angel Food Cake (Angel Cake)

"Angel investors imply the existence of devil investors"

"Anger management classes are all the rage"

"Anger management courses are now all the rage"

Angry Lobster; Drunken Donuts

"Animal lovers don't eat animals"

"Animal rights are human rights"

"Animals are here with us, not for us"

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not in our stomachs"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not our stomachs"

"Animals belong in your heart, not your stomach"

"Annoy a conservative -- think for yourself"

"Annoy a liberal -- work hard & be happy"

"Annoy a politician today -- THINK"

"Annual reminder that heart shaped pizza is less pizza for the same amount of money"

"Another beer bottle with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep looking"

"Another bourbon bottle with no genie at the bottom. I guess I will keep searching"

"Another day, another dollar"

"Another day has passed and I didn't use Algebra once"

"Another egg-scuse for chocolate"

"Another fine day ruined by responsibility"

"Another wine bottle emptied with no genie at the bottom. I'll keep trying"

"Another wine bottle with no genie in the bottom of it. I'll keep looking"

Antarctichoke or Antartichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)

Antartichoke or Antarctichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)

Anti-Christian Lawsuit Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Liberals Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Unit (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Dollar (gold nickname)

Anti-Infective Vitamin (Vitamin A nickname)

"Anti-science is reading a notice on a mask box that it doesn't protect against viruses..."

Anti-Semitism

Anti-Social Distancing

Anti-Sterility Vitamin (Vitamin E nickname)

Anti-Stress Mineral (magnesium nickname)

Anti-Stress Vitamin (Pantothenic Acid or Vitamin B5 nickname)

Anti-fooder

Antimasker

Antique Media

Antiques Row or Antiques District (Atlantic Avenue)

Antisecco (anti + Prosecco)

Anti-vaccer (Antivaccer)

Anti-vaxer (Antivaxer)

Anti-vaxxer (Antivaxxer)

Antojitos ("little whims" or Mexican appetizers/snacks)

Antonette's Leap (Mount Bonnell in Austin)

Ants Climbing a Tree (Ma Yi Shang Shu or Mayishangshu)

Ants on a Log (Bugs on a Log)

"Ants on a log, floating down the river to the waterfall" (bureaucracy)

Any Body Can Dance ("ABCD" backronym)

"Any bug can hit the windshield, but it takes guts to stick"

"Any country with 'democratic' in the title isn't"

"Any golf course plays hard when the wind blows" (golf adage)

"Any government body that mandates something that they exempt themselves from..."

"Any government that wages psychological warfare on its own citizens..."

"Any guy who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker"

"Any jackass can kick a barn down, but it took a carpenter to build it" (Sam Rayburn)

"Any jar can be a swear jar if you can't open the lid"

"Any jar is a swear jar if you can't open the lid"

"Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except for abortion jokes. There is no delivery"

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him..."

"Any party which takes credit for the rain must take blame for the drought"

"Any pie made with cannabis butter is technically a pot pie"

"Any room is a panic room if you have lost your phone in it"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you add 23 knives"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough"

"Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it"

"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses"

"Any team can have a bad century" ("Anyone can have a bad century")

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed"

"Any wine can be a 'fine' wine if you drink enough of it"

"Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first"

"Any writing problem is a reporting problem"

"Anybody can make a baby, but you need a license to fish"

"Anybody can manage the Yankees"

"Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?"

"Anybody know when Walmart is sending out W2s for self checkout?"

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography"

"Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop"

"Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire"

Anyone Can Come (Austin Community College/ACC nickname)

"Anyone can steer the ship in calm waters"

"Anyone can use my French Revolution joke. It's royalty free"

"Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I've been wearing a mask..."

"Anyone else need their money facing the same way, right side up to prevent the world from exploding?"

"Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?"

"Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?"

"Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?" (quarantine joke)

"Anyone fell in love with me yet or do I gotta keep posting memes"

"Anyone know how much vodka goes in the mashed potatoes?"

"Anyone know how much vodka goes into scrambled eggs?"

"Anyone know what whiskey barrels are made of? Casking for a friend"

"Anyone trying to disarm you is not your friend"

"Anyone trying to disarm you is your enemy"

"Anyone who believes in exponential growth in a finite world is either a madman or an economist"

"Anyone who can't get drunk by midnight ain't tryin'" (Toots Shor)

"Anyone who ever worked at Twitter is now either an ex-employee or an X employee"

"Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist should have his head examined"

"Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination"

"Anyone who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker"

"Anyone who says 'good morning' on a Monday is a sociopath"

"Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop"

"Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it"

"Anything can happen in Brooklyn"

"Anything I don't like should be banned. Everything I like should be a human right..."

"Anything I say before coffee cannot be used against me"

"Anything is deductible until you're audited"

"Anything is popsicle when I'm with you"

"Anything recommended by a stoned person comes highly recommended"

"Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended"

"Anything worth doing is worth doing for money"

"Anywhere you leave your remote control becomes a remote location"

"Apartment complex implies the existence of a togetherment simple"

"Apartments should be called togetherments"

Apizza

Apodment (pod + apartment)

Apoplithorismosphobia (fear of deflation)

Aporkalypse (apocalypse + pork)

App Economy

Appalachian Mountains: "Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It's called the Apple-achian."

"Apparently, a cat has caught COVID-19. Don’t ask meow!"

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving"

"Apparently it takes men longer to shop on the internet than at an actual store"

"Apparently 'just fuck me up' is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks"

"Apparently 'just fuck me up' is not an appropriate coffee order at Starbucks"

"Apparently, mime on mime violence is a real problem. You just don't hear about it"

"Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave"

"Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to 'What motivates you?'"

"Apparently, the clocks go back in November. I can't remember where I got mine from!"

"Apparently, the clocks go back in October. I can't remember where I got mine from!"

"Apparently 'the vibes are off' isn’t a good excuse to leave work early"

"Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair"

"Appetizers imply the existence of deappetizers"

"Appetizers should really be called deappetizers because they make you less hungry"

Appetizing Store ("Appy")

Apple Annie & Apple Mary

Apple Awards (Guides Association of New York City)

Apple Awards (Guides Association of New York City, 2015-present)

Apple Bank for Savings (originally Haarlem Savings Bank)

Apple Bank (renamed from Harlem Savings Bank, 1983-present)

Apple Cider Donut (Apple Cider Doughnut)

"Apple cider is winter lemonade"

"Apple comes up" or "Feel the apple" or "Take the apple" (to choke; from Adam's apple)

"Apple" defined in Cab Calloway’s "Hepster’s Dictionary" (1938, 1944)

"Apple farmers in upstate New York were involved in cider trading"

"Apple is the default fruit"

Apple Jack Downing (cocktail)

"Apple" lyric in the Michael Jackson song "Human Nature" (1982)

"Apple" lyric in the Michael Jackson song "Human Nature" (1982)

Apple -- New York State Symbol (2007)

"Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes"

"Apple orchards, autumn skies, hot chocolate, and pumpkin pies"

Apple-picking (theft of Apple products)

Apple Pie Logs & Pizza Logs

Apple-Pie Order

Apple Pie Trail (Blue Mountains, Ontario; Orange County, NY)

Apple Polisher & Polish the Apple (I Love a Clean New York campaign, 1976-1980)

Apple Store (2000s)

Apple Week

Applejack

Applely Ever After

Apples a la Manhattan (Pommes a la Manhattan)

Apples and Horses

"Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices"

"Applesauce is not a sauce. It's a purée"

"Applesauce is the apple version of mashed potatoes"

Applesauce or Apple Sauce (slang for "nonsense")

Appley Ever After (Apple-y Ever After)

April 1st & the Bronx Zoo (Telephone Hoax)

"April 1st: the only day people critically evaluate things on the internet before believing them"

"April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust nobody. Just like any other day"

"April Fools' Day is over. Everything on the internet is true again!"

"April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles"

"April is the kindest month. April gets you out of your head and out working in the garden"

"April showers bring May mud"

"April showers bring May mud puddles"

"April showers bring mud"

"April showers bring mud puddles"

"Aprons are just adult bibs"

AQUA (Ascan Avenue/Queens Boulevard/Union Turnpike/Austin Street in Forest Hills)

Aquacise (aqua + exercise)

Aquacycling

Aquemuck (Aqueduct racetrack scandal)

"AR -- means the gun was manufactured in Arkansas" (joke)

Arabic Amenity (hotel tray of dates, dried fruit and nuts)

Arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth)

"Arán is Irish for bread. It's gaelic bread"

Arbageddon (arbitrage + Armageddon)

Arbuckle (coffee)

"Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins"

"Archaeologists are just grave robbers with a degree"

"Architects cover their mistakes with ivy"

"Architecture is a great profession, but a horrible business"

Archtober (architecture + October)

"Are abbreviations in sign language called 'shorthand'?"

"Are birth control pills tax-deductible?"/"Only if they don't work."

"Are donuts made out of hole wheat?"

"Are Girl Scout cookies made from real Girl Scouts?"

"Are locksmiths key workers?"

"Are monsters good at math?"/"No, unless you Count Dracula."

"Are people born with a photographic memories or does it take time to develop?"

"Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?"

"Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?"

"Are those chopsticks in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?"

"Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? I need to dress accordingly"

"Are we really going to let a bunch of greedy selfish fools do-in this whole planet?"

"Are we still allowed to leave Santa milk and cookies? Or is that considered indoor dining now?"

"Are we still allowed to play pool....since we use a white ball to hit the colored balls"

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there, Yeti?"

"Are you a banana? Because I found you a peeling!"

"Are you a cajun chef? Cause I wanna bayou dinner"

"Are you a pie maker? Cause you make my banana cream." (dirty joke)

"Are you a pole vaulter?"/"No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

"Are you allowed to eat alphabet soup at a spelling bee?"

"Are you allowed to go into Starbucks if you don't have an Instagram account?"

"Are you allowed to go to Starbucks if you don’t have an Instagram account?"

"Are you an N95 mask? Cause I want you on my face" (pickup line)

"Are you chewing gum?"/"Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

"Are you coffee because I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" (pick-up line)

"Are you from Harvard and can't count, or from MIT and can't read?" (supermarket checkout joke)

"Are you putting the Christmas tree up yourself?"/"No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

"Are you ready to rock...paper, scissors?"

"Are you supposed to tip the waiters here?" (joke)

"Are you watching too much TV, but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Problem solved"

"'Are your arms tired from holding five pieces of paper? You need a podium!' (podium salesman)"

"Area 51 is where they keep all of the Walmart cashiers"

"Aren't all books text books?"

Aren't Ready for the Marines Yet ("army" backronym)

"Aren't you supposed to call a doctor if your election lasts this long?"

Arepa ("Arepa Lady")

Arepera or Areperia (place that sells arepas)

"Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement -- just click on 'I agree'"

Aristocrat of Harlem (Cotton Club nickname)

Aristocrat of the Village (Barney Gallant's nickname)

Arizona: "In Arizona we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"Arizona Tea is the adult version of Capri Sun"

Arizona: Valentine State (nickname)

Arkansas: "Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates"

Arkansas: "Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible" (joke)

Arkansas: Bear State (nickname)

Arkansas: Land of Opportunity (nickname)

Arkansas: The Natural State (nickname)

Arkansas: Toothpick or Toothpicker (nickname)

Arkansas: Wonder State (nickname)

Arklatex (Ark-La-Tex, ArkLaTex, also Arklatexoma)

Arlingtonian (inhabitant of Arlington)

Arlingtonite (inhabitant of Arlington)

Armadillo Droppings (praline candy)

Armadillo Eggs (stuffed jalapeños)

Armchair Isolationism (Armchair Isolationist)

Armchair Quarterback (Armchair Quarterbacking)

"Arms are for hugging" (anti-nuke, gun control slogan)

"Arms change. Rights don't"

"Army Wife: Toughest job in the Army"

Arnold Palmer or Half-and-Half (lemonade + iced tea)

"Around Christmas, the Fanta company should send out a 'Fanta Claus' who gives out free soda"

"Around the corner where fudge is made" (the buttocks; the bathroom)

Arrestable (protester predetermined to be arrested)

"Arrive early, be the last to leave and kick ass all fucking day"

"Arrogance is ignorance matured"

"Arroz by any other name would go well with enchiladas"

"Arroz by any other name would smell as wheat"

"Arroz by any other name would smell like rice"

"Art is how we decorate space. Music is how we decorate time"

"Art teachers tell you there's no right or wrong in art, then tell you you're wrong"

"Arthur Murray Taught Me Dancing in a Hurry" (1942)

"Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" (1981)

"Artichoke hearts imply the existence of artichoke atria and artichoke ventricles"

"Artichoke is the lobster of vegetables"

"Artichoke is the vegetarian's lobster"

"Artichokes are only grown in the northern hemisphere. Otherwise they're known as Antarctichokes"

"Artichokes imply the existence of antartichokes"

"Artichokes imply the existence of artiswallowwithoutincidents"

"Artichokes imply the existence of literaturechokes and sciencechokes"

Arugulance (arugula + arrogance)

"As a child: 'You're grounded.' As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'"

"As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they answered?" (UPS joke)

"As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do"

"As a wheat farmer, I keep having headaches, but my doctor insists it's just my grains"

"As American as apple pie"

"As an adult, checking the bank account is the equivalent of checking for monsters under the bed"

"As cool as the other side of the pillow"

"As crooked as Pearl Street"

"As goes South Texas, so goes the U.S. crop"

"As goes Walmart, so goes America"

"As government expands, liberty contracts"

"As government grows, liberty decreases"

"As happy as a clam"

"As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost. Maybe a tour guide career wasn't for me"

"As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself you can't trust Google Maps"

"As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled"

"As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa" (Iowa caucus as bellwether)

"As it turns out, 93% of my personality was coffee"

"As it turns out, 93% of my personality was just coffee"

"As January goes, so goes the year" or "January Barometer" (Wall Street proverb)

"As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in schools"

"As long as we have wine, the holidays will be fine"

"As mad as a hornet" ("Madder than a hornet")

"As Maine goes, so goes the nation"

"As safe as the Bank of England"

"As seen on TV" (advertising catchphrase)

"As soon as I put on my hospital gown, I knew the end was in sight"

"As soon as they put me in a hospital gown, I knew my end was in sight"

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

As Stoned As Possible (ASAP)

"As summer approaches, do we dig out our shorts or cut the legs off our pajamas?"

"As sure as a nectarine ain’t nothing but a bald-headed peach"

"As sure as God made little green apples"

"As the days get longer, the cold gets stronger" (weather proverb)

"As useful as an astray on a motorcycle" (not useful)

"As useless as the 'ea' in 'tea'"

"As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"

"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way"

"ASAP -- Always Stop And Pray"

"Ash heap of history" ("Scrap heap of history," "Garbage heap of history," "Dustbin of history")

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch, a drink is a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life's a bitch and beer's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch and coffee's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life's a bitch, and vodka's a must"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When life's a bitch, whiskey's a must"

Asian Wall Street (San Gabriel Valley, CA)

Asiantation (Asian + orientation)

"Ask a basketball player for change of $1, get 75 cents back because no fourth quarter"

"Ask an atheist who's just had a great meal if he believes there's a cook"

"Ask for money and you get advice; ask for advice and you get money"

"Ask not why the children shouldn’t see drag queens; ask why drag queens crave an audience..."

"Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is right for you"

"Ask your doctor if medical advice from a television commercial is right for you"

"Asked for a medium roast at Starbucks and the barista made fun of me instead"

"Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs"

"Asking government to fix government is like asking cancer to cure cancer"

Asphalt Capital of the World (Talco nickname)

"Aspire to inspire before you expire"

Aspirin Alley (Broadway)

Assassiversary (assassination + anniversary)

"Assault is a behavior, not a device"

Associated Depressed (Associated Press nickname)

Associated Propaganda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Asstros (Houston Astros baseball team unofficial nickname)

"Assume you have a can opener" (economics joke about opening a food can)

AssWhole Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

"Asthma Alley"

Astor House Rolls; Roast Beef "a la Astor House"

Astoria Borealis (Astoria, Queens + Aurora Borealis)

Astorian (inhabitant of Astoria, Queens)

Astorperious or Asterperious (from "Astor")

"Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

"Astronauts use Linux because you can't open Windows in space"

"Astronomy is way over my head"

Astroturf (Astroturfing)

Asylum Street (Guadalupe Street nickname in Austin)

"At 12:01 am on January 1, for the first time ever, hind sight will actually be 2020"

"At first, I couldn’t believe that vodka is made from fucking potatoes..."

"At GM, you form a committee on snakes, then hire a consultant..." (Ross Perot)

"At least my coffee won't get cold in hell"

"At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song"

"At LOTR 150, Professor Gandalf is kind of a jerk. He opened the class with, 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS!'"

"At my age, 'getting lucky' means having coffee without interruption"

"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas"

"At my house, we pray after we eat"

"At my new job, I have hundreds of people under me. I mow the grass at the cemetery"

"At my next job, I’m gonna to lie about having a kid so I can leave the office anytime I want..."

"At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys"

"At some point, Subway convinced us all it's healthy to eat a whole loaf of bread in one sitting"

"At some point we need to quit asking who needs to pay more taxes and focus on where it's going"

"At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time..."

"At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill. Got weird looks, so I started jogging instead"

"At the start of every disaster movie there's a scientist being ignored"

"At the start of this new year, I am leaving my past behind me. So if I owe you some money..."

"At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on..." (joke)

"At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired"

"At the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode" (joke)

"At the university, I made videos of urine at different resolutions. I even got a pee HD"

"At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts"

"At this point, either your blood is boiling or it is clotting"

"At this point, I don't know if coffee is a hobby or survival instinct"

"At this point, I only trust people who have been canceled, banned, deleted or have been in fb jail"

"At this point, I would feel safer if coronavirus held a press conference..."

"At this point, I’d feel safer if COVID-19 held a press conference..."

"At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go"

"At this point, we’re just working for gas money to go to work"

"At this point, your blood is either boiling or clotting"

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations..."

"At work, a coffee machine always gets fixed faster than a printer"

"At work, when you don’t know what to do, just walk fast and look worried"

"Ate a box of Thin Mints. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work"

"Ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it’s raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone"

Athenian (inhabitant of Athens, Texas)

Athens of Texas (nickname of many Texas cities)

Atlantic Antic

"ATM fees are the bank's way of making you buy back your own money"

"ATMs are pressed for cash"

Atomic Buffalo Turds or ABTs (bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños)

Atomic Deer Turds

Attaboy

"Attack each day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind"

Attention-Interest-Desire-Action ("AIDA" of marketing)

"Attention Thieves: Please carry ID so we can notify next of kin"

"Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner. Waitress says, 'What can I get you, Hun?'"

"Attract what you expect. Reflect what you desire. Become what you respect. Mirror what you admire"

ATX (Austin nickname)

"Auctioneers are the original rappers"

"Auctions are the one place you can get something for nodding"

"Audio engineers give sound advice"

Audrey Munson (New York's "Civic Fame" and "Miss Manhattan," San Francisco's "World's Fair Girl")

"August already? September is practically next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume"

"August is just gold wind"

"August is like the Sunday of summer"

"Auld lang syne implies the existence of auld lang cosyne and auld lang tangynt"

Auld Mug (America's Cup trophy nickname)

Aunt Chovie ("anchovy" pun)

Aunt Chovy ("anchovy" pun)

Aunt Jane (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Millie (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Sally's Boutique (Salvation Army nickname)

Aunt Samantha (wife of Uncle Sam)

Aunt Sammy (sister of Uncle Sam)

Aurophobia (fear of gold)

Austerian (austerity + Austrian school of economics)

Austerical (austerity + hysterical)

Austex or AusTex or Aus-Tex (Austin, Texas)

Austin Comical (Austin Chronicle nickname)

Austin: It's what the rest of the country had in mind (Austin slogan)

"Austin Powers walks into a bar...." (bar joke)

Austin (summary)

Austinite (cocktail)

Austinite (inhabitant of Austin)

Austinpreneur (Austin + entrepreneur)

Austintatious (Austin-tatious)

"Australians are just British Texans"

Australita

"Author! Author!" (audience shout)

Author's Row (Jane Street in West Village, Manhattan)

"Auto-correct walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Auto racing, bullfighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports -- all others are games"

Auto Show

"Autocomplete is the bake of my existence"

"Autocorrect and I have a love hat relationship"

"Autocorrect can be your worst enema"

"Autocorrect is the bake of my existence"

"Autocorrect makes me type things I didn't Nintendo"

Autograt (automatic gratuity)

Autohoaxer; Autohoaxing

Automat (or, Automated Restaurant)

Automobile Row

"Autumn came, with wind and gold"

"Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons"

"Autumn in New York" (1934)

"Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring"

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower"

"Autumn is my favorite color"

"Autumn leaves a smile on my face"

"Autumn leaves and pumpkins, please"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile"

Avenue of Architecture (Eighth Avenue)

Avenue of Heroes; Canyon of Heroes

"Average gumbo is only medi-okra"

Avinunca (Avianca nickname)

"Avocado salsa is just guacamole"

Avocado Toast

"Avocado Toast + Mole Sauce = Avogadro Toast"

"Avocados are fruits. Guacamole is avocado jam"

Avodog (avocado + hot dog)

Avogadro Toast (Avogadro constant + avocado toast)

"Avoid any food that has a TV commercial"

"Avoid fruits and nuts -- you are what you eat"

"Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high"

"A&W stands for Amburgers and Woot Beer"

"Always ask for a receipt. You may need an alibi"

"Awe shit man. I thought ASAP meant As Stoned As Possible"

"Awesome has a flavor and its name is coffee"

Awesome Sauce

"Awesome sauce is probably the condiment that goes on cool beans"

Awful Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

Awful House (Waffle House nickname)

Axe (bad financial asset)

Aztec Soup or Aztec Tortilla Soup (Sopa Azteca)

Aztec Two-Step (traveler's diarrhea)

"B.A., Buenos Aires, Big Apple" (Evita musical, 1978)

B-Boy or B-Girl (Bronx Boy/Girl or Break Boy/Girl)

"B.C. stands for 'Before Coffee'"

B-Dubs (Buffalo Wild Wings nickname)

"B.A., Buenos Aires, Big Apple" (Evita musical, 1978)

Babka (Bobka)

"Baby carrots imply the existence of adult carrots"

"Baby carrots imply the existence of daddy carrots"

"Baby carrots imply the existence of parent carrots"

"Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin" (pickup line)

Baby Raddle/Rattle (chocolate and rainbow sprinkles)

Baby Ruth (candy bar)

"Baby Yoda implies the existence of a Sporty Yoda, Scary Yoda, Ginger Yoda, and Posh Yoda"

Babycino or Babyccino (baby + cappuccino)

Babyhorns or Baby Horns (young Texas Longhorns players)

Babylon on the Make

Bacardi Big Apple

Bacardi Big Apple (apple-flavored rum, 2005)

Bachelor of Fuck All (Bachelor of Fine Arts or BFA backronym)

Back Door Sweep

"Back in my day, it was a game of dodgeball where you found out who really didn't like you"

"Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled 'last call'"

"Back in my day...there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees"

"Back in my day...there was so much toilet paper, people were stringing it up in the trees"

"Back in the Big Apple" (The Real Housewives of New York City episode, 2021)

"Back in the mix like Chex"

Back Page (East Flatbush, Brooklyn)

Back Page (East Flatbush, Brooklyn nickname)

"Back in the Big Apple" (Where Has Tommy Flowers Gone? play, 1971)

"Back to the drawing board" (starting over after failure)

"Back to the salt mines"

Backdoor Sweep

Backpack Journalism; Backpack Journalist

"Backpacking: An extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need"

Backstop

"Bacon alone can't solve all our problems That's what bourbon is for!"

"Bacon alone can't solve all our problems. That's what whiskey is for"

Bacon and Eggs

"Bacon and eggs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Bacon bits are essentially pig sprinkles"

"Bacon is 73% fat and very salty. Me too, bacon. Me too"

"Bacon is healthier than crystal meth"

"Bacon is meat candy"

"Bacon is red. Bacon is rough. One strip of bacon is never enough"

"Bacon is the candy of meat"

"Bacon is the duct tape of food"

"Bacon Mac 'n' Cheese is basically just trashy Carbonara"

"Bacon makes it better" ("Bacon makes everything better")

"Bacon Strip" District

Baconalia (bacon + bacchanalia)

Baconify

Baconize

Bacontrepreneur (bacon + entrepreneur)

"Bacteria multiply when they divide"

"Bacteria: rear entrance to a cafeteria"

"Bad companies make for good trades" (Wall Street adage)

"Bad handwriting is actually a security feature"

"Bad kicking is bad football" (Australian rules football adage)

Bad News Bear (Bear Stearns nickname)

Bad News (nickname for the restaurant check)

"Bad numbers are harder to add up than good ones" (accounting adage)

"Bad politicians are elected by good citizens who don't vote"

"Bad puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all"

"Bad Salad: Sad Ballad" (spoonerism)

"Bad Seed in the Big Apple" (Beyblade episode, 2003)

"Bad traders don't make profits — they only take out short-term loans from the market"

"Bad weather always looks much worse through a window"

Badgehole (SXSW festival nickname)

"Badminton implies the existence of goodminton"

"Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton"

"Badminton is still better than worseminton" ("Badminton > Worseminton")

Badvertising (bad + advertising)

"Bae = bacon and eggs"

Bag Lady

Bag of Mystery (sausage)

Bagdad-on-the-Subway

Bagel; Bagel & Lox; Bagel "All the Way"; Everything Bagel

Bagel Ball (Bantam Bagel)

Bagel Beach (Seventh Avenue between 53rd and 54th Streets)

Bagel Beach (sidewalk in front of the Stage Delicatessen)

Bagel Land

"Bagels are just boring donuts"

"Bagels are just boring doughnuts"

"Bagels are just bread jerky"

"Bagels are just breakfast donuts"

"Bagels are just healthy donuts"

"Bagels are just healthy doughnuts"

"Bagels are just savory donuts"

"Bagels are just savory doughnuts"

"Bagels are just savoury donuts"

"Bagels are just savoury doughnuts"

"Bagels are just vehicles for cream cheese"

"Bagels are to donuts as muffins are to cupcakes"

Baghdad-on-the-Bayou (New Orleans nickname)

Baghdad-on-the-Bayou (Houston nickname)

Bagnut or Dogel (bagel + donut)

"Baguettes are just bread jerky"

Bail-In

Bailout

Bait and Switch

Baja Oklahoma

Bake-Off

Bake Sale

Baked Alaska

Baked Apple (New York City with legalized marijuana)

Baked Bads (opposite of "baked goods")

Baked Evils (opposite of "baked goods")

"Baked goods implies the existence of baked bads"

"Baked goods implies the existence of baked evils"

"Baked goods imply the existence of baked bads"

"Baked goods imply the existence of baked evils"

"Baked in the cake" (built into the price or system)

Bakery

"Baking cakes can be considered math, science or art"

"Baking cakes can be considered math, science or art" (for homeschooling)

"Baking is mostly just gluing broken plants back together with eggs"

Baking Powder

Baking Soda

"Baklava implies the existence of bakmagma"

"Baklava is just dessert lasagna"

Balance Sheet Close (sales technique)

Balance Sheet Recession

Baldie or Baldy (pretzel without salt)

Baleada (Honduran burrito)

Balkan Burger (pljeskavica)

"Ball is life"

Ball Orchard (Big Ball Orchard in the South Bronx = Yankee Stadium)

"Ballantine Blast" (Ballantine Beer)

Ballers' Paradise (Barclays Center nickname)

"Ballers want to be rappers, and rappers want to be ballers" (sports adage)

Balloon Juice (seltzer or soda water)

Balloon Wrangler

Balloonicle (balloon + float)

Ballot Harvesting

Ballotocracy (ballot + -ocracy)

Ballpark Estimate (Ball Park Estimate; Ball Park Figure)

Ballpark Figure (Ball Park Figure; Ball Park Estimate)

Baloney Boulevard (Broadway)

Baloney Dollar

Baloney (nonsense)

Baltimore chop (baseball term)

BAMBI (Beyond Allen Manhattan Bridge Intersection)

Ban Collie Day (bank holiday)

"Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!"

"Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!"

Banana Ball (golf)

Banana Balls (crazy)

"Banana bread is technically fruitcake"

Banana Breeze (pie)

"Banana nut bread? I didn't know bananas could do that!"

Banana Oil (slang for "nonsense")

Banana Republic

Banana Split

Bananageddon (banana + Armageddon)

"Bananas are fruit sausage"

"Bananas are healthier than crystal meth"

"Bananas are just fruit sausages"

"Bananas are just jungle sausages"

"Bananas are just tree sausages"

"Bananas are just vegan sausages"

"Bananas are just vegetarian sausages"

"Bananas are just yellow sausages"

"Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world"

"Bananosecond: The time between slipping on a banana peel and hitting the pavement"

Banco Unpopular (Banco Popular nickname)

Bandbox (Bronx Bandbox=New Yankee Stadium)

Bandit Signs (Street Spam; Vertical Litter; Snipe Signs; Stuff On a Stick or SOS)

Bandits' Roost (59 Mulberry Street)

Bandwich (sandwich provided for a band)

"Bang for the buck"

Bang Point

Bánh Mì (Vietnamese sandwich)

"Bank account empty like my soul"

"Bank account looking like everybody getting a text message for Christmas"

"Bank account: There's food at home"

Bank Holiday

Bank of Amerika or Bank of Amerikkka (Bank of America nickname)

Bank of Apartheid (Bank of America nickname)

Bank of Assholes (Bank of America nickname)

Bank of Crooks and Criminals International (Bank of Credit and Commerce International nickname)

Bank of Failmerica (Bank of America nickname)

Bank of Japandemonium (Bank of Japan + pandemonium)

Bank of Mom and Dad

Bank Run ("run on the bank")

Bank Speak

Bank to the Stars (City National Bank nickname)

Bankageddon (bank + Armageddon)

Bankenstein (bank + Frankenstein monster)

Bankercide (banker + homicide/suicide)

Bankerette (female banker)

"Bankers do it with interest"

Bankers' Hours

Bankers' Row

Bankism (Central Bankism)

Bankocracy

"Banks are cloud storage for your money"

Banksta (Bankstaz or Bankstas)

Bankster (banker + gangster)

Bankster of America (Bank of America nickname)

Banktatorship (bank + dictatorship)

Banktocracy

Banned Parenthood (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Banner State (Texas nickname)

Banoconut (banana + coconut) Cream Pie

Banxodus (bank + exodus)

Baogel (cha siu bao + bagel)

Baptist tea (beer, disguised without foam)

"Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store" (joke)

"Bar & Bra. Same letters, different words, but both keep men waiting eagerly till they open"

Bar Chef

Barbarous Relic (gold nickname)

Barbecue

Barbecue Capital of Texas (Lockhart nickname)

Barbecue Crabs (BBQ Crabs)

"Barbecue is as old as fire"

"Barbecue sauce is just sexy ketchup"

"Barbecue sauce is like a beautiful woman. If it's too sweet, it's bound to be hiding something"

"Barbecue sauce is the evolved form of ketchup"

Barbecue Sauce & Steak Sauce

Barbecue Syndrome (Hamburger Disease: Barbecue Season Syndrome; Backyard Barbecue Syndrome)

Barbecuedom

"Barbecuing waters my mouth. I wonder if the same thing happens to vegans when they mow the lawn"

Barbecusation (barbecue + accusation)

"Barbers are just hair gardeners"

Barclays Bank=Wank (Barclays Bank rhyming slang)

Barclays Center Classic (Brooklyn Hoops)

BarCrap (Barclays Capital or BarCap nickname)

Barefoot Pilgrim

Barfly

Bargain District (Orchard Street)

Barista

Barista Elbow (Barista Wrist)

"Barista implies the existence of a baristo"

"Baristas have to deal with people before they've had their morning coffee"

Baristo (suggested term for a male barista)

Barkery (bark + bakery)

Barnes and Ignoble (Barnes & Noble nickname)

Barnes Dance

Barns and No Bull (Barnes & Noble nickname)

(Barnum's) Animal Crackers

"Baroque (adj.): when you're out of Monet"

"Barrel of fun" (a lot of fun)

"Barrel of laughs" (a lot of laughs)

"Bars need to do a sad hour with even cheaper drinks and everyone just acts cool if you cry a lil"

Barstro (bar + bistro)

Bartender

Bartender's Ketchup (St. Germain elderflower liqueur nickname)

Bartoonist (bar + cartoonist)

Baseball Capital of Texas (Brenham nickname)

Baseball cards (Queens)=Tickets (Brooklyn)

"Baseball doesn't sound anywhere near as exciting as acidball"

"Baseball implies the existence of acidball"

"Baseball implies the existence of cringeball"

"Baseball is a game of adjustments"

"Baseball is ninety percent mental, and the other half is physical"

"Baseball is the first sport. The Bible says, 'In the big inning...'"

"Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth"

"Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth"

"Baseball is weird"

"Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk"

"Baseball is wrong. A man with four balls cannot walk"

"Baseball must be a great game to survive the people who run it"

Baseball's Cathedral (Yankee Stadium)

Baseball's Home Office (Yankee Stadium)

"Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die"

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth ("Bible" backronym)

Basketball (Basket Ball)

"Basketball is a game of runs"

Basketball Mecca (Madison Square Garden nickname)

Basketball on Grass (football spread offense)

Basque Barbecue (Basque Barbeque)

Bass Capital of Texas (Mount Pleasant nickname)

Bastropian (inhabitant of Bastrop)

Bat Bridge (Ann W. Richards Congress Avenue Bridge in Austin)

Bat City (Austin nickname)

Bat Mitzvah

"Bath salts imply the existence of bath peppers"

"Bath salts? What about bath peppers?! Heh!"

"Bathroom is for eating customers only" (restaurant sign)

Batini (official Austin cocktail)

"Batman doesn’t cover his whole face because he needs the police to know he’s white"

Battery Acid (coffee)

Battle for the Iron Skillet (SMU Mustangs vs. TCU Horned Frogs)

Battle of New York (New York Islanders vs. New York Rangers)

Battle of the Badges (Fire vs. Police)

Battle of the Bands (Savoy Ballroom)

Battle of the Boroughs (between New York City sports teams)

Battle of the Brazos (Baylor Bears vs. Texas A&M Aggies)

Battle of the 'Burbs (Long Island Nets vs. Westchester Knicks)

Battle of the Hudson River or Hudson River Rivalry (New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers)

Battle of the Hudson River or Hudson River Rivalry (New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Battlefield of Ideas (War of Ideas; Marketplace of Ideas)

Battleground State

Batty Boro (Brooklyn)

Batty Borough (Brooklyn, home of the baseball-batty Dodgers)

Baumol's Disease (Baumol's Cost Disease; Baumol Effect; Baumol's Curse)

Bawnd (bond)

Bay Breeze (cocktail)

Bay Ridger (inhabitant of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

Baylor Bubble

Bayou City (Houston nickname)

Baysider (inhabitant of Bayside, Queens)

Baytowner (inhabitant of Baytown)

Baytownian (inhabitant of Baytown)

BBQ; Bar-B-Que; Q

"BBQ, beer, freedom"

"BBQ is delicious. Blueberries are tart. If y'all don't love Texas, well bless your heart"

"BBQ is good. Blueberries are tart. If you don't like Texas, well bless your heart"

"BBQ is tasty. Blueberries are tart. If you don't like Texas, well bless your heart"

BBQ people (Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens)

"BBQ Routine" (joke)

"BBQ Rules" (joke)

"BBQ sauce is just sexy ketchup"

"BC is now 'Before Coronavirus.' AD is now "After Distancing'"

"BDSM cows make whipped cream"

"Be a cupcake in a world full of muffins"

"Be a Fruit Loop in a world of Cheerios"

"Be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude and a lady with class"

"Be a good person in real life. I promise you none of this social media shit matters"

"Be a good person in real life. I promise you none of this social media stuff matters"

"Be a good person in real life. None of this social media shit matters"

"Be a good person in real life. None of this social media stuff matters"

"Be a good person in real life, not in social media"

"Be a good person in real life, not just on social media"

"Be a pineapple: Stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside"

"Be a rebel. Enjoy Monday and find a reason to like it"

"Be a unicorn, not a twatopotamus"

"Be a yogacorn, not a twatopotamus"

"Be alert. Don't get hurt" (safety slogan)

"Be always sure you're right -- then go ahead" (Davy Crockett)

"Be around people who feed your soul, not eat it"

"Be around those who feed your soul, not eat it"

"Be careful about reading health books -- you may die of a misprint"

"Be careful, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings"

"Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent"

"Be curious, not cool"

"Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels..."

"Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels..."

"Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful" (Warren Buffett)

"Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire"

"Be for what is going to happen" (political rule)

"Be full of coffee, not hate"

"Be Good Or Be Gone" (McSorley's Ale House & others)

"Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit"

"Be happy with what you have while working for what you want"

"Be honest, you didn't trust the science. You trusted the TV"

"Be honest, you haven't even walked a mile in your own shoes"

"Be kind. Re-wine"

"Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most"

"Be nice. Be useful. Bring beer"

"Be nice. Be useful. Bring coffee"

"Be nice. Be useful. Bring wine"

"Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to your country"

"Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet the same people on your way down"

"Be nice to the janitor. You may be working for him tomorrow" (business adage)

"Be nice to the office boy. You may be working for him tomorrow" (business adage)

"Be not afraid of any man, no matter what his size; when danger threatens, ... I will equalize"

"Be not dismayed cause dis June"

"Be risk diverse, not risk averse" ("Be risk aware, not risk averse")

"Be so good they can't ignore you"

"Be somebody who makes everybody feel like somebody"

"Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help"

"'Be strong,' I whispered to my wifi signal"

"Be stronger than your strongest excuse"

"Be stubborn about your goals, but flexible about your methods"

"Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year to save on Christmas gifts"

"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm"

"Be the glitch you want to see in the matrix"

"Be the peace you wish to see in the world"

"Be the reason someone stops believing in government"

"Be the reason someone stops believing in the government"

"Be the reason why a politician has a mental breakdown in public restroom"

"Be the reason why someone gets mad over a fucking meme"

"Be the reason why someone gets mad over a meme"

"Be the reason why someone has to take a break from social media"

"Be the type of person who leaves a mark, not a scar"

"Be ungovernable" (political slogan)

"Be wary of taking 'health advice' from people who believe the world is overpopulated..."

"Be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you"

"Be with someone who knows your coffee order"

"Be you. The world will adjust"

Bean Burger (Beanburger)

Bean Counter (an accountant)

"Bean soup."/ "Yes, it's been soup. But what is it now?" (joke)

Bean to Bar

"Beanbags are boneless sofas"

Beanery

Beantown (Boston nickname)

Bear Claw (ice cream)

Bear Claw (pastry)

Bear Hug

Bear Market

"Bear markets slide down a slope of hope" (Wall Street proverb)

Bear Mountain Compact (Tappan Zee Bridge Rule)

Bear O'Clock (bear + beer o'clock)

Bear Sign (doughnuts)

Bearmageddon (stock market bear + Armageddon)

"Bears invented honey glazed salmon"

"Bears make headlines, bulls make money"

Bears (New York Institute of Technology teams)

Beartard (bear + retard)

"Beat like a rented mule"

"Beat the pants off" (to defeat completely)

"Beating someone with a baguette is assault with a breadly weapon"

"Beating up someone with a big pretzel is a salt with a breadly weapon"

Beau Belmont

Beau Broadway (Bo Broadway)

Beaumonter (inhabitant of Beaumont)

Beautiful People

"Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity"

"Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes -- thin crust, thick crust..." (pizza joke)

Beauty Contest (non-binding primary)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

"Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin"

Beaver State (Oregon nickname)

Beavers (CCNY teams)

BEC (bacon, egg and cheese)

"Because I'm worth it" (L'Oréal advertising slogan)

"Because of COVID-19 for the first time since 1945 the National Spelling Bee is cancil... cancul..."

"Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps"

"Because of the cancellation of all sports events ESPN will be covering live toilet paper wrestling"

"Because of the huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS merged and are now Fed-Up"

"Because we're worth it, too" (L'Oréal advertising slogan)

"Because you're worth it" (L'Oréal advertising slogan)

"Become so financially secure that you forget that it's payday"

"Become ungovernable" (political slogan)

"Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak" (food pun)

Bed and Breakfast Capital of Texas (Jefferson nickname)

Bed Bath & Beyoncé or Bloodbath & Beyond (Bed Bath & Beyond nickname)

Bed, Bath & Beyond My Budget (Bed, Bath & Beyond nickname)

Bed-Stuy (Do or Die); Bed-Stuy and Proud of It

Bedford Hill (Bed-Stuy + Clinton Hill)

Bedpan Alley (Hospital Row or Hospital Land)

Beducator (bed + educator)

Bedwetting Liberal

Bedwick (Bed-Stuy + Bushwick)

Bee Caver (inhabitant of Bee Cave)

Bee Vomit (honey)

Beef and Reef (Reef and Beef)

Beef-Head (a Texan)

"Beef jerky is just a meat Twizzler"

"Beef jerky is just cow raisins"

"Beef jerky is just edible leather"

"Beef jerky is just meat licorice"

"Beef jerky is like a meat raisin"

"Beef sticks imply the existence of beef trees"

"Beef tongue? I could never eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth. Bring me a boiled egg"

Beef Wellington

Beefsteak

Beefsteak Nazi (brown on the outside, red on the inside)

Beefullness (beef + fullness)

"Been 6 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Guess it's time to go there personally and check what's the problem"

"Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out..."

"Been there, bombed that" (been there, done that + bombed)

Beep and Creep (Creep and Beep)

Beep (Borough President)

Beer-b-que or Brew-b-que (beer/brew + bar-b-que)

"Beer, bacon, guns & freedom"

"Beer because nothing actually happened over coffee"

"Beer...because you can’t drink bacon"

"Beer before liquor, never sicker; Liquor before beer, never fear"

"Beer before wine, you'll feel fine; Wine before beer, you'll feel queer"

Beer Belly

Beer Bread

Beer Can Chicken

Beer Can Concealer

"Beer comes from hops. Hops are plants. Beer is salad"

"Beer contains Vitamin Pee"

"Beer doesn't have many vitamins -- that's why you have to drink a lot of it"

"Beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean -- against bars"

"Beer drinking doesn't do half the harm of lovemaking"

Beer Goggles

"Beer: Helping ugly people get laid since 1862"

"Beer: Helping white people dance since 1837"

"Beer is best drunk in the shadow of the brewery"

"Beer is just dream-flavored water"

"Beer is karaoke fuel"

"Beer is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist"

"Beer is liquid bread"

"Beer is now cheaper than gas -- drink, don't drive"

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"

"Beer is the only drink that's acceptable to be served in a glass that's overflowing and dripping"

"Beer is yeast urine"

"Beer, lime & sunshine"

"Beer makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Beer (noun) -- magic water for fun people

"Beer (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Beer O'Clock

"Beer shortage expected. Panic buy now"

"Beer shortage soon. Panic buy here"

"Beer shortages soon. Please panic buy"

"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink"

Beer Summit

"Beer -- the reason I wake up every afternoon"

"Beer: The WD40 for conversations"

Beer Thirty

"Beer, whiskey & weed are all made from plants... I think I might be a vegetarian!"

Beeramid (beer can/bottle + pyramid)

Beeramisu (beer + tiramisu)

Beerita (beer + margarita)

Beertail (beer + cocktail)

Beertini (beer + martini)

Beervana (Portland nickname)

"Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more"

"Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody"

"Before coffee: Hating everybody. After coffee: Feeling good about hating everybody"

"Before coffee: I hate everybody. After coffee: I feel good about hating everybody"

"Before Conference pears, we could only talk to one pear at a time"

"Before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success"

"Before I get in shape, does anybody like me chubby?"

"Before I get in shape, does anyone like me chubby?"

"Before I get in shape, does anyone like me chunky?"

"Before I get in shape, does anyone like me fat?"

"Before I got married, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge"

"Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole. After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole..."

"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement"

"Before kids can go places, they need a place to go" (Police Athletic League)

"Before Pro Tools, there were pros"

"Before serving your country, first learn who your government is serving"

"Before social media, all of this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads"

"Before something great happens, everything falls apart"

"Before the movie starts, it’s just 50 people sitting in the dark eating corn"

"Before there was Auto-Tune, there was talent"

"Before video games we had two world wars"

"Before you buy anything online, ask yourself, 'Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that item...'"

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you're not surrounded by assholes"

"Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it"

"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in his shoes"

"Before you lose your shit, remember there's no wine in prison"

"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet"

"Before you marry someone, go sit in traffic with them for at least 2 hours"

"Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you’re not swimming in a puddle"

Begathon (Beg-athon; "beg" + "telethon")

"Behead those who insult Islam" ("Behead those who say Islam is violent")

"Behind every great kid is a mom who's pretty sure she's screwing it all up"

"Behind every great kid is a parent who's pretty sure they're screwing it all up"

"Behind every great man is a great woman"

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"

"Behind every great man is the drawer I need to get into. Why are you even in the kitchen right now"

"Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes"

"Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee"

"Behind every successful person, there is a deactivated Facebook account"

"Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account"

"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee"

"Behind every successful woman is herself"

"Behind the eight ball" (in a troublesome situation)

"Being a girl isn't easy. Imagine waiting for a reply without sending any message"

"Being a good worker is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet"

"Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet"

"Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how"

"Being a parent means knowing how to unwrap a Snickers without making any noise"

"Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever. I mean, who's going to steal a prison?"

"Being alive is a little bit out of my price range right now"

"Being alive is a little out of my price range right now"

"Being alive is a little out of my price range rn"

"Being an adult is a little bit out of my price range right now"

"Being an adult is a little out of my price range right now"

"Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it"

"Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how"

"Being an introvert isn't easy. Imagine waiting for a reply without sending a message"

"Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store"

"Being constantly offended doesn't mean you're right. It just means you're too narcissistic to tolerate opinions..."

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body"

"Being drunk with your best friend is the best kind of drunk"

"Being fat is actually fitphobic. Do better"

"Being hated for loving freedom has been the strangest experience of my life"

"Being hated for loving freedom has been the weirdest experience of my life"

"Being healthy is the ultimate rebellion in a sick, diseased and dysfunctional society"

"Being in your own business is working 80 hours a week so that you can avoid working 40 hours..."

"Being late is the same thing as being wrong"

"Being on the wrong side of history as it repeats itself is like failing an open book test"

"Being on the wrong side of history while it's repeating itself is like failing an open note test"

"Being overweight is the only truth you can successfully run from"

"Being part of a major historical event sucks" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

Beirut or Bar Ridge (Bay Ridge)

BelDel (Below Delancey, or "Belancey")

Belgian Waffle

"Believe in yourself. Because the rest of us think you're an idiot"

"Believe in yourself! If cauliflower can become pizza, you can do anything"

"Believing in yourself is the first secret to success"

"Believing the medical industry desires a healthy population..."

Bell of the Unforgotten

Bellbottom (9 West 57th Street)

Belly Bomb or Belly Bomber (White Castle hamburger nickname)

Belly-up

Belmont Breeze (former official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

Belmont Jewel (official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

Belmont Park (cocktail)

"Belt and suspenders" (conservative approach)

Beltbuster (1/2 pound hamburger)

Beltway Bandit

Beltway ("Inside the Beltway," Beltway Insider)

Beltwaytarian

"Ben and Jerry's ice cream is less used as dessert than it is as an anti-depressant"

"Benches for the wenches" (weightlifting saying)

Benchslap (judicial bench + bitchslap)

Benedict Arnold Account (offshore account)

Benefeast (benefit + feast)

Benny (Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, New York acronym?)

Bensonhurster (inhabitant of Bensonhurst, Brooklyn)

Berkeley-on-the-Brazos (UT-Austin nickname)

Bernanke Put

"Berries white, a poisonous sight" (poison ivy adage)

Besos (Mexican pastry "kisses")

Bespoke Vegetables

Best Escape Anyone Can Have ("beach" backronym)

"Best friends are just personal therapists that get paid in alcohol"

"Best friends are basically therapists who get paid in margaritas"

"Best friends are basically therapists who get paid in wine"

"Best friends are basically therapists who get paid in wine. Or tequila"

"Best friends are just personal therapists who get paid in alcohol"

"Best friends don't care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine"

"Best friends don't care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine"

"Best friends forever, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"Best friends pho-ever"

"Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight over the last slice of pizza"

Best Little Town in Two States (Anthony, TX & Anthony, NM)

Best Location in the Nation

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out"

"Bestie please let me merge" (bumper sticker)

Bet a Big Apple

"Bet on the jockey, not the horse" (business adage)

"Bet that it would never rain again" (Texas weather joke)

"Betray'all: When a southern person betrays you"

Betsy Gotbaum and the fictional "Big Apple whores"

"Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under" (social distancing)

"Better 6 feet away than 6 feet under" (social distancing)

"Better blatant than latent" (gay slogan)

"Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday"

"Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday"

"Better days are just around the corner. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday"

"Better days are just around the corner. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday"

Better Quickly Exit (Brooklyn-Queens Expressway or BQE nickname)

"Better safe than sued"

"Better six feet apart than six feet under" (social distancing)

"Better six feet away than six feet under" (social distancing)

"Better sore than sorry"

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know"

"Betting against gold is the same as betting on governments"

"Betting is like liquor. You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular"

"Betty Eats Cakes And Uncle Sells Eggs" ("because" spelling aid)

"Between 11 and 3 stay under a tree"

"Between a rock and a weird place" (Pflugerville, near Round Rock and Austin)

"Between hay and grass"

"Between pigeons and politicians, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean"

Beverly Hills of the East Coast (Malba, Queens)

"Bevo. It's what's for dinner." (anti-UT Longhorn slogan)

"Beware of geeks bearing formulas"

"Beware of he who would deny you access to information..."

"Beware of the dog. And the cat is not trustworthy, either"

"Beware of...well...just beware"

"Beware the empty subway car. It’s empty for a reason" (subway tips and etiquette)

"Beware the empty train car. It’s empty for a reason" (subway tips and etiquette)

"Beware the injured golfer" ("Beware the sick golfer")

Bewitching Broker (female stockbroker)

"Beyond Burgers being 'plant based' implies that traditional burgers are 'meat cringe'"

"Beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat"

BFD (Black Friday Deal)

BGT Sandwich (bacon, goat cheese and tomato)

Bi-coastal (NY & LA)

Bialy

Bibimbap

BIC (Bronx Irish Catholic)

Bicycle "Dooring"

"Bicycle implies the existence of gaycycle, straightcycle, pancycle and transcycle"

Bicycle Messenger

"Bicycles imply the existence of heterocycles and homocycles"

BicyTaxi

Bidenflation or Bidinflation (U.S. President Joe Biden + inflation)

Bidinflation or Bidenflation (U.S. President Joe Bidwen + inflation)

Bien Me Sabe or Bienmesabe ("Tastes good to me" spongecake with coconut cream)

Bierock

Biflation (bi- + deflation/inflation)

Big A (Aqueduct Racetrack nickname, 1959)

Big A (Aqueduct Racetrack nickname)

Big A (Aqueduct Racetrack nickname, 1959)

Big Agbalumo (Lagos nickname)

Big Apple

Big Apple 1970s Revival: Charlie Gillett and Lew Rudin

"Big Apple" (song by Kajagoogoo, 1983)

"Big Apple, 3 AM" (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time video game, 1992)

"Big Apple, 3 AM" (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time video game, 1992)

"Big Apple, 3 PM" (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder's Revenge video game, 2022)

"Big Apple, 3 PM" (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge video game, 2022)

"Big Apple" and Donald Trump (Fortune magazine photo, 1989)

"Big Apple" and the Dutch phrase, "to buy for an apple and an egg" (2020)

Big Apple Anime Fest (2001-2003)

"Big Apple" answer on "Final Jeopardy!" (2009)

"Big Apple" answer in Jeopardy! game show (2022)

"Big Apple" answer in Jeopardy! game show (2022)

"Big Apple" answer on "Final Jeopardy!" (2009)

"Big Apple as mecca" (Jet magazine, 1952)

Big Apple Awards (New York City public school teachers, 2013-present)

Big Apple Awards (New York City public school teachers)

Big Apple Awards (PRSA -- New York Chapter)

Big Apple Awards (Public Relations Society of America-NY Chapter, 1988-present)

Big Apple Bagels (bagel chain)

Big Apple Bagels (Illinois bagel chain, 1985-present)

Big Apple Ball (charity ball, May 1973)

Big Apple Ball (Donald Trump Presidential Inauguration, 2017)

Big Apple Ball (Donald Trump Presidential Inauguration, 2017)

Big Apple Bar & Restaurant (New Orleans, 1952-1970s?)

Big Apple Bar & Restaurant (New Orleans, 1952-1970s?)

Big Apple Barbecue Block Party

Big Apple bet (1988, 2003) between mayors of New York City and Columbia, South Carolina

Big Apple Blizzard (Dairy Queen dessert)

Big Apple Blizzard (Dairy Queen dessert, 2014)

"Big Apple Blues" (song by Slade, 1977)

"Big Apple Blues" (song by Slade, 1977)

"Big Apple Blues" (The Facts of Life episode, 1988)

Big Apple book by Gerald Cohen, Barry Popik (1991, 2011)

Big Apple Bowl

Big Apple (brand of Schwalbe bicycle tires, 2003-present)

Big Apple (Broadway)

Big Apple (Broadway, in columns by Walter Winchell and O. O. McIntyre, 1927-1928)

Big Apple (Broadway, in columns by Walter Winchell and O. O. McIntyre)

Big Apple Cafe & Big Apple Tourist Orchard (Bacchus Marsh, Australia, 1994-present)

Big Apple Cafe (Calgary, Alberta, 1938-1940)

Big Apple Cafe (Calgary, Alberta, 1938-1940)

Big Apple Cafe (Cincinnati, OH. 1938-1963)

Big Apple Cafe (Cincinnati, OH, 1938-1963)

Big Apple Cafe & Event Centre (Waitomo, New Zealand, 1995-present)

Big Apple Cafe (Neosho, MO, 1940-1942)

Big Apple Cafe (Neosho, MO, 1940-1942)

Big Apple Cafe (Puryear, TN and Murray, KY, 1950s-present)

Big Apple Cafe (Rochester, NY, 1977-2005)

Big Apple Cafe (Rochester, NY, 1977-2005)

Big Apple Cafe, (Shamokin, PA, 1938-1947)

Big Apple Cafe (Shamokin, PA, 1938-1947)

Big Apple Cake (cannabis)

Big Apple (cannabis)

Big Apple cannabis (2020)

Big Apple Cap (Big Apple Hat)

Big Apple cap or Big Apple hat (named after the dance, 1937-present)

Big Apple Car, Inc.

Big Apple Car, Inc. (1983-present)

Big Apple Chorus (1983-present)

Big Apple Circus

Big Apple Circus (1977-present)

Big Apple City

Big Apple (city ornament of Columbia, SC, 2021)

Big Apple City (Strawberry Shortcake animation, 1981)

Big Apple (club in Munich, Germany, 1963-1975)

Big Apple Coaster (New York-New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, 1997-present)

Big Apple (cocktail with sake)

Big Apple (cocktail with sake, 2013)

"Big Apple" Cohen-Popik Work On Television (?)

Big Apple Comic Con (1996-present)

Big Apple Comix (1975)

Big Apple Concession (City Park in New Orleans, 1947-1949)

Big Apple Concession (City Park in New Orleans, 1947-1949)

Big Apple Connect (free high-speed internet and basic cable TV, 2022)

Big Apple (convenience stores in Maine and New Hampshire, 1974-present)

Big Apple Copy Center

Big Apple Copy Center (1979-present)

Big Apple Corner (1992-1997)

Big Apple Corner (1997 Law & Today)

Big Apple Corner (1997 Law & Today)

Big Apple Corner (New York Morning Telegraph site)

Big Apple Corner (New York Morning Telegraph site)

Big Apple Corner (sign stolen, 2021-2024)

Big Apple (crime drama television series, 2001)

Big Apple (crime drama television series, 2001)

"Big Apple" (Dan Burley's Original Handbook of Harlem Jive, 1944)

Big Apple Dance

Big Apple dance craze (1937)

Big Apple dance craze (1937)

"Big Apple" date?: January 15, 1920

Big Apple Diner (Whitehall, NY, 1987-present)

Big Apple Diner (Whitehall, NY, 1987-present)

Big Apple (disco in Berlin, Germany. 1962-1979)

Big Apple Donuts & Coffee (Malaysia chain)

Big Apple Donuts & Coffee (Malaysia chain, 2007-present)

Big Apple Doughnut (Krispy Kreme donut, 2020)

Big Apple Doughnut (Krispy Kreme donut, 2020)

"Big Apple Dreamin'" (song by Alice Cooper, 1973)

"Big Apple Dreamin'" (song by Alice Cooper, 1973)

Big Apple (drinks using applejack)

Big Apple (drinks using applejack, 1938)

Big Apple Dyke News (1981-1988)

Big Apple Elevator Service and Consulting

Big Apple Elevator Service and Consulting (2006-present)

"Big Apple" explained in a movie (Barney's Version film, 2010)

"Big Apple" explained in a movie (Barney's Version film, 2010)

Big Apple Fame and Fortune

Big Apple Fashioned (cocktail, 2012)

Big Apple Fashioned (cocktail)

Big Apple Fest (2004)

Big Apple Fest (2005)

Big Apple Field Hockey (BAHF)

Big Apple Film Festival

Big Apple Film Festival (2004-present)

Big Apple Flag (North American Vexillological Association, 1983)

"Big Apple" float (NY Daily News in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

"Big Apple" float (NY Daily News in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, 1977-2017)

Big Apple Florist

Big Apple Florist (1991-present)

Big Apple (football play at Davidson College, 1937)

Big Apple (football play at Davidson College, 1937)

Big Apple (former official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

Big Apple (Fort Worth, TX barbecue restaurant, 1941-1968)

Big Apple (Fort Worth, TX barbecue restaurant, 1941-1968)

Big Apple (Fort Worth, TX barbecue restaurant, 1941-1968)

Big Apple Games (video games, 1986)

Big Apple Games (video games, 1986)

Big Apple Grapple (arm wrestling)

Big Apple Greeter

Big Apple Greeter (1992-present)

Big Apple Grill & Bar (Puryear, TN and Murray, KY)

Big Apple Grocery Store

Big Apple Grocery Store (Harlem, 1945-1949)

Big Apple Hard Cider (2014-present)

Big Apple (Harlem bar/restaurant, 1934)

Big Apple Hat (Big Apple Cap)

Big Apple Hostel

Big Apple Hostel (1994-2014)

Big Apple Hot Dogs (UK hot dogs, 2010-present)

"Big Apple" in East Village Other (1968-1971)

"Big Apple" in East Village Other (1968-1971)

"Big Apple" in Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s novel Slaughterhouse-Five (1969)

"Big Apple" in the 1930s (Two clubs, plus song and dance)

"Big Apple" in the 1940s-1950s

"Big Apple" in the media

Big Apple Inn (Jackson, MS restaurant)

Big Apple Inn (Jackson, MS restaurant, 1939-present)

Big Apple Innovation Awards (LISC NY, 2003-present)

"Big Apple is fantastic, but cuts you down to size" lyric in Nickelback's "Kiss It Goodbye" (2011)

Big Apple Jazz Tours

Big Apple Jazz Tours (1997-present)

Big Apple kiosk (Mumbles, Swansea Bay, Wales, 1930s-present)

Big Apple logo for Javits Center (1985-present)

Big Apple logo for Made in NYC (2003-present)

Big Apple logo for New York Urban League (1981-present)

Big Apple logo for New York Cares (1987-present)

"Big Apple" lyric in the Joni Mitchell song "Song for Sharon" (1976)

"Big Apple" lyric in the Joni Mitchell song "Song for Sharon" (1976)

"Big Apple" lyric in the Lynyrd Skynyrd song "I'm a Country Boy" (1975)

"Big Apple" lyric in the Lynyrd Skynyrd song "I'm a Country Boy" (1975)

"Big Apple" lyric in The Rolling Stones song "Shattered" (1978)

Big Apple Mall (Bonifacio Global City, Taguig, Metro Manila, Philippines, 2018-present)

Big Apple Martini (or Big Apple-tini)

Big Apple Martini or Big Apple-tini (cocktail, 2000)

Big Apple Meat Market

Big Apple Meat Market (1992-present)

Big Apple Mini Storage

Big Apple Mini Storage (1974-present)

Big Apple Minute (WNEW-TV Channel 5, 1980-1987)

Big Apple Minute (WNEW-TV Channel 5, 1980-1987)

Big Apple Mojito

Big Apple Mojito (cocktail, 2005)

Big Apple Movie (WNEW-TV Channel 5, 1981-1986)

Big Apple Movie (WNEW-TV Channel 5, 1981-1986)

Big Apple Moving & Storage

Big Apple Moving & Storage (1979-present)

Big Apple Music Awards (2007-2022)

Big Apple Netball Tournament

"Big Apple" nightclub (The Three Faces of Eve film, 1957)

Big Apple of Idaho (Fruitland, Idaho nickname)

Big Apple of New England (Johnny Appleseed Visitors Center, 2019-present)

Big Apple of the Midwest (Columbus, Ohio nickname)

Big Apple of Wathena, Kansas (1928-1940)

Big Apple (official drink of the Belmont Stakes, 1976)

Big Apple on a hockey jersey (New York Rangers practice jersey, 1994)

Big Apple on New Year's Eve Ball at One Times Square (1981-1988)

"Big Apple" on NPR's "Ask Me Another" (2020)

"Big Apple" on websites

"Big Apple or Die Tryin'" (Pee-wee's Big Holiday film, 2016)

"Big Apple or Die Tryin‘" (Pee-wee’s Big Holiday film, 2016)

Big Apple (pachinko parlors in Japan, 2000?-present)

Big Apple Pancake House (Chicago Heights and Joliet, IL, 1980-present)

"Big Apple" (Perry Mason, "The Case of the Jilted Jockey" episode, 1958)

Big Apple Pizza (Israeli pizza chain)

Big Apple Pizza (Israeli pizza chain, 1986-present)

Big Apple Pizza & Pasta (Florida pizza chain)

Big Apple Pizza & Pasta (Florida pizza chain, 1997-present)

Big Apple plaque (1996)

Big Apple Ranch (country-western dance lesson and party, 1997-present)

"Big Apple Rappin'" (rap by Spyder-D, 1980)

"Big Apple Rappin'" (rap by Spyder-D, 1980)

Big Apple Red (color)

Big Apple Restaurant (Asheville, NC, 1957-1991)

Big Apple Restaurant (Asheville, NC, 1957-1991)

Big Apple Restaurant (Covington, KY, 1938)

Big Apple Restaurant (Covington, KY, 1938)

Big Apple (roadside attraction in Colborne, Ontario, Canada, 1987-present)

Big Apple (roadside attraction in Thulimbah, Queensland, Australia, 1978-present)

"Big Apple" (Robert S. Gold's A Jazz Lexicon, 1964)

"Big Apple" (Robert S. Gold’s A Jazz Lexicon, 1964)

Big Apple (Robinette's Apple Haus, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1973-present)

"Big Apple Rock" (disco song by Black Ivory, 1979)

"Big Apple Rock" (disco song by Black Ivory, 1979)

Big Apple (roller coaster at Astroland, Brooklyn, 1977-2008)

Big Apple (roller coaster at Great Yarmouth Pleasure Beach, Norfolk, UK, 1998-present)

Big Apple Sauce (Ahmad "Sauce" Gardner nickname on New York Jets, 2022)

Big Apple Sauce (Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner nickname on New York Jets, 2022)

Big Apple Sauce (The Sauce episode in New York City, 2020)

Big Apple Sauce (The Sauce episode in New York City, 2020)

Big Apple (sculpture at Yamanashi Prefectural Museum, Japan, 2008-present)

Big Apple sculpture (Bella Abzug Park and Dante Park, 2021-2022)

Big Apple (sculpture by Romero Britto, JFK Airport, 2011-present)

Big Apple (sculpture by Romero Britto, LaGuardia Airport, 2006-present)

Big Apple (sculpture in Medina, New York, 2000-present)

Big Apple sculpture (Bella Abzug Park and Dante Park, 2021-2022)

Big Apple (sculptures by Romero Britto, 2006 at LaGuardia Airport & 2011 at JFK Airport)

Big Apple Shake (Johnny Rockets, 2005)

Big Apple Shine Parlor

Big Apple Shine Parlor (Harlem, 1942)

"Big Apple" (song by Bob Emmerich and Buddy Bernier, 1937)

"Big Apple" (song by Kajagoogoo, 1983)

"Big Apple" (song by Molly Hatchet, 1978)

"Big Apple" (song by Molly Hatchet, 1978)

"Big Apple" (spoken by Frank Sinatra, 1950)

Big Apple Stars Awards Program (Hotel Association of New York City)

Big Apple Stars Awards Program (Hotel Association of New York City, 1997-present)

Big Apple Supermarket & Red Apple Supermarket

Big Apple Supermarket (Georgia supermarket chain, 1939-1980)

Big Apple (supper club near Buffalo, NY, 1945-1976)

Big Apple (supper club near Buffalo, NY, 1945-1976)

"Big Apple" T-shirts from the Daily News (1975)

"Big Apple -- the major tracks of the country" (1933)

Big Apple Timeline

Big Apple (tourist information booth, Meaford, Ontario, Canada, 1974-present)

Big Apple Triple (thoroughbred racing)

Big Apple Turnover (Ray Williams nickname on New York Knicks, 1979)

Big Apple Turnover (Ray Williams nickname on New York Knicks, 1979)

Big Apple (USS Appalachian, 1946)

Big Apple (USS Appalachian, 1946)

"Big Apple Waltz" (song by Sweet, 1979)

"Big Apple Waltz" (song by Sweet, 1979)

Big Apple Whore Hoax (1800s)

Big Apple (Yeaju-Dake Escarpment, Battle of Okinawa, 1945)

Big Apple (Yeaju-Dake Escarpment, Battle of Okinawa, 1945)

Big Appleite (inhabitant of the Big Apple)

Big Appler (inhabitant of the Big Apple)

Big Apples Are Top of the Barrel

Big Appling (to do the Big Apple dance)

Big Appling (to visit New York City)

Big Appling (to visit New York City, 1976)

Big Artery or Hardened Artery or Main Artery (Broadway)

"Big as hell and half of Texas"

Big Street (Broadway)

Big Auger

Big Bad Apple (Big Apple + bad apple)

Big Belly (trash compactor)

Big Blue Apple (Big Blue + Big Apple)

Big Blue; Big Blue Wrecking Crew

Big Board

Big Brother Corporation (BBC nickname)

Big Brothers (Big Sisters)

Big Brown (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

"Big Bugs in the Big Apple" (James and the Giant Peach film, 1996)

Big Burg

Big Cave

Big Cheese

Big Chilli (summary)

Big Country

Big Crapple

Big Crescent (New Orleans nickname)

Big Dance (NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship)

"Big deal, McDonalds. We’re all here for a limited time only"

"Big deal, New York. I drop the ball all the time"

Big Easy (New Orleans nickname)

Big Empty (Texas plains)

Big Enchilada; Full Enchilada; Whole Enchilada

Big Friendly (summary)

Big Glou (natural wine fair)

"Big government is trickle-down economics"

Big Greasy (New Orleans nickname)

Big Guava (summary)

Big Hair House

Big Harma (Big Pharma + harm)

"Big hat and no cattle" ("All hat and no cattle")

"Big Mac" (Municipal Assistance Corporation)

Big Man On Campus (BMOC)

Big Mikan (summary)

Big Money Texas or BMT (Beaumont nickname)

Big Nipple (summary)

Big O (Omaha, Nebraska nickname)

Big Olive (Thebes, Greece nickname)

Big Onion

Big Orange (Tel Aviv, Israel nickname)

Big Oyster

"Big Pharma does not create cures. They create customers"

Big Peach

Big Persimmon (summary)

Big Pharma

Big Pharmafia (Big Pharma + mafia)

Big Pineapple (Australian icon)

Big Pineapple (Honolulu, Hawaii nickname)

Big Pineapple (San José, Costa Rica nickname)

Big Plum ("New York may be the Big Apple, but Cleveland's a Plum")

Big Potato (Boise, Idaho nickname)

Big Potato (jocular mistake for "Big Apple")

Big Red Apple (sculpture in Cornelia, Georgia, 1926-present)

Big Red with the Long Green Stem (Seventh Avenue/Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Boulevard)

Big Road Apple (Big Apple + road apple)

Big Rue (Broadway)

Big Sandy (Belmont Park nickname)

Big Scrapple (Philadelphia nickname)

"Big Sibling is watching you"

Big Six

Big Six (Albany, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Yonkers)

Big Sleazy (New Orleans nickname)

Big Smoke (London, UK nickname)

Big Smoke (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Big Smoke (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Big Stem (Broadway)

Big Swinging Dick (BSD)

"Big team, little me"

Big Tent

Big Tex

Big Things Happen Here (Dallas slogan)

Big Three (Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security)

Big Time and Big Town

"Big-time players make big-time plays in big games"

Big Top (circus)

Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together ("buffet" backronym)

Big Ugly Import Car Killer (Buick backronymic nickname)

Big Ugly (New York State budget process nickname)

Big White (White House nickname)

Big Willy, Mental Dental Building, Filling Station, Tooth Tower (Williamsburg Bank Building)

Big Yam (Lagos nickname)

BigApple2BigEasy (BABE) car rally

Bigger Apple (Manhattan Institute newsletter)

Bigger Apple (Manhattan Institute newsletter, 2020-present)

"Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks"

"Bigger than Dallas" ("Bigger 'n Dallas")

"Biggest waste of money: my 2020 planner" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

"Bike hair, don't care"

Bike Ninja

Bike Salmon

"Bike to work. Bike to play. Bike tomorrow. Bike today!"

"Biker hair, don't care"

BILF (bacon or burger variant of MILF)

"Bilingual education makes you illiterate in two languages"

"Bill Gates walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Bill Johnson’s Big Apple (Arizona restaurants, 1956-2015)

Bill Johnson's Big Apple restaurants

Billennial (bilingual + millennial)

Billionaire Beanstalk (luxury skyscraper)

Billionaire Capital of the World

Billionaire Pie (Furr's cafeterias)

Billionaire's Belt

"Bills: paid, Bank account: empty, Working: still, Adulting: sucks, Yee: haw"

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"

Billy Goat Date Cake (Billy Goat Cookies)

BIN (Born In Nacogdoches)

"Binary 101 is not a beginners' course"

"Binary star systems imply the existence of non-binary star systems"

"Binary stars imply the existence of non-binary stars"

Binghamton: Bingo (nickname)

Binghamton: Carousel Capital of the World (nickname)

Binghamton, Johnson City, Endicott: Triple Cities

Binghamton: Parlor City (nickname)

Binghamton: Spiedie

Binghamton: Valley of Opportunity (nickname)

Bingo (game)

Biocrat (biology + bureaucrat)

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother"

"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division"

Biostitute (biologist + prostitute)

Bir Zeit on the Hudson (Columbia University)

Birch Beer

Bird Circuit (Manhattan gay bars with bird names)

"Bird in Flight" (WTC Transportation Hub)

Birdie (golf score)

Birding Capital of East Texas (Mineola nickname)

Birdseed or Bird Seed (children's trail mix)

Birkenstock Liberal

"Birthday calories don't count" ("Calories don't count on your birthday")

"Birthday suits tailored here" (gym sign)

"Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake"

Birther or Birfer (presidential citizenship skeptic)

Birthplace of Jazz (New Orleans nickname)

Birthplace of Modern American Drama (Provincetown Playhouse)

Birthplace of Texas (Deer Park nickname)

Birthplace of Texas Ranching (Goliad slogan)

Birthplace of the Lone Star Flag (Montgomery slogan)

"Birthplace:Earth Race:Human Politics:Freedom Religion:Love"

"Bis for the guys" (weightlifting saying)

Biscochitos or Bizcochitos (anise seed cookies)

"Biscotti are just coffee croutons"

"Biscotti are just cookie croutons"

"Biscotti are just dessert croutons"

"Biscotti are just sweet croutons"

"Biscotti are just tea croutons"

"Biscuits and gravy are just wet flour over dry flour"

"Biscuits and gravy is just milk, butter and flour on top of milk, butter and flour"

"Biscuits and gravy is just wet flour on dry flour"

Bismarck (pastry)

"Bitchilante (n.) Being mean only to people who deserve it"

Bitcoinaire (bitcoin + billionaire/millionaire)

Bitcoiner

Bitcoinia

"Bite off more than one can chew" (undertake too much)

"Bite the Big Apple" (Murder, She Wrote episode, 1991)

"Bite the Big Apple" (The Devil's Advocate film, 1997)

BK (Brooklyn)

BK Lounge (Burger King nickname)

"Blablabla. Go workout!" ("Bla bla bla. Go workout!")

Black and Bleu Salad

"Black and proud" ("I'm black and I'm proud")

Black-and-White (cookie)

Black and White (shake or soda)

Black Bottom Cake (Black Bottom Pie)

Black Bottom (dance)

Black Budget

Black Car

"Black coffee every morning. Dark whiskey every evening"

"Black coffee in the morning. Dark whiskey in the evening"

"Black coffee is goth coffee"

Black Cow or Brown Cow (root beer float)

"Black/Dark as midnight under a skillet"

Black Diamond (black truffle nickname)

Black-Eyed Pea Capital of the World (Athens nickname)

Black Friday (Big Friday)

Black Friday (false etymology about slavery)

Black Friday Slaughter Sale

"Black Friday special! Stay at home and save 100%"

Black Girl Magic Row (Tompkins Avenue, Bedford-Stuyvesant)

Black Knight

Black Mardi Gras (Texas Relays nickname)

Black Monday; Black Tuesday; Black Thursday; Black Friday (Wall Street stock declines)

Black Monday (head coach firing day after NFL regular season)

"Black olives matter"

"Black people don't eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until 4 o'clock"

"Black people don't eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until the food is ready"

Black-Robed Gang (court judges)

Black Rock (CBS); Hard Rock (ABC); 30 Rock (NBC)

Black Russian (cocktail)

Black Tin Pan Alley or Uncle Tom's Cabin (Gaiety Building)

Black Wall Street

Black Zone (area without electrical power)

Blackbirds (Long Island University teams)

"Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check Facebook"

"Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check Instagram"

"Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media"

"Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check Twitter"

Blackout Cake

"Blackout in a can" (caffeinated and alcoholic energy drink)

"Blahblahblah. Go workout!" ("Blah blah blah. Go workout!")

"Blame America first"

"Blame the Indian, not the arrow"

Blameocracy (blame + democracy); Blameocrat (blame + bureaucrat)

Blamestream Media

"Bland salad is a problem that needs a dressing"

"Blast from the past"

"Bleecker Street is not located midway between Bleeck Street and Bleeckest Street"

Bleisure (business + leisure)

"Blended soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie"

"Bless the cook who serves love and laughter"

"Bless the food before us, the family beside us, and the love between us"

"Bless the food upon the dishes as you blessed the loaves and fishes"

"Blessed and booked"

"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape"

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt"

"Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused"

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst because they are sticking to their diet"

"Blessed, booked and busy"

"Blessed, busy and booked"

Blessing of the Bicycles (Blessing of the Bikes)

Blessing of the Fleet (BayFest)

Blimpie (sandwich)

"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch"

Blind Pig

Blind Pool

Blind Tiger

Blinky

Blintze (Blintz; Blin)

Blipster

"Blisters are braille for 'awesome'" (running saying)

Blisters on My Sisters (egg dish, similar to huevos rancheros)

Block Party

Blogola (blog + payola)

Blondie (Blond Brownie or Blonde Brownie)

"Blood oranges > Crip oranges"

"Blood oranges imply the existence of Crip oranges"

"Blood, toil, tears and sweat" ("Blood, sweat and tears")

Bloody Angle (Doyers Street)

Bloody Awful (British Airways nickname)

Bloody Caesar (cocktail)

Bloody Maria (cocktail)

Bloody Mary (cocktail)

Bloody Mary (cocktail) & Celery Stalk/Celery Stick Stirrer

"Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails"

Bloody Meyer (cocktail)

Bloody Ridiculous Investment Concept (BRIC backronym)

"Blowing on the wine in your coffee mug to convince the rest of the zoom meeting that it is tea"

BlowU (University of Oklahoma or OU nickname)

BLT (Bites, Licks and Tastes)

BLT (BMT) Sandwich (bacon, lettuce and tomato)

Blue Alert ("Amber Alert" for officers)

Blue and White, Cubs, Lions (Columbia teams)

Blue Anon

Blue Chip

Blue Collar

Blue Monday (third Monday in January)

Blue Money

Blue Norther

Blue Plate Special

Blue Privilege (police blue + white privilege)

Blue Santa

Blue Smoke and Mirrors

Blue State/Red State

Blue Steel

Blue Tarp Mexican (slang for a Guatemalan)

Blue Velvet Cake

Blue Wall of Silence (Blue Code of Silence)

Blue Zone

Blueberry in the Tomato Soup (Austin political nickname)

"Bluegrass is music sung from the heart, through the nose"

Blues, Barbecue and Fireworks Festival

Blueway (East River Blueway)

Blursday (blurs + day)

Bo Broadway (Beau Broadway)

Boardinghouse Reach (Boarding House Reach)

BOAT (Blow Out Another Thousand)

BOAT (Break Out Another Thousand)

BOAT (Bring Out Another Thousand)

BOAT (Bring Over Another Thousand)

BOAT (Bust Out Another Thousand)

Boat Check

Boat Show

Boatgating (boat + tailgating)

"Boats come in three dimensions: length, width and debt"

Bobbie Burns (cocktail)

BOBO (bacon on bagel omelet)

Boccone Dolce (Sweet Mouthful)

BoCoCa (Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens)

Bocoles

Bodega

"Body language is self explanatory"

Body Man

"Body wants sex. Heart wants love. Soul wants peace. Stomach needs tacos"

Body Woman

"Bodybuilding -- When your mission in life is to be shaped like a uterus"

BOGO or BOGOF (Buy One, Get One Free)

BOGSAT or BOGSATT (Bunch of Guys Sitting Around The Table)

Bohemian Boulevard or Bohemian Broadway (East 72th Street in Yorkville)

BoHo (Bowery below Houston Street)

BOI (Born On the Island) & IBC (Islander By Choice)

"Boil it, cook it, peel it or forget it"

Boilermaker

Bois d'Arc Capital of Texas (Commerce nickname)

"Boisterous Sea of Liberty" ("Tempestuous Sea of Liberty")

Bola Tie (Bolo Tie)

"Bold stripes, bright stars, brave hearts"

Bolillo (Mexican bread)

Boll Weevil Democrat

"Bologna is a hot dog for people who like pancakes"

"Bologna is just a flat hot dog"

"Bologna is just a hot dog pancake"

Bolts (Brooklyn FXFL football team)

"Bomb hills, not countries" (skateboarding adage)

"Bomb into the Stone Age" (total destruction)

Bomber Sandwich

Bomboloni (Italian doughnuts)

BOMFOG (Brotherhood Of Man, Fatherhood Of God)

Bon Appetex

Bond Vigilante

Bone Alley

Bonehead Play or Boner ("Merkle's Boner")

"Boneless chicken wings are just chicken nuggets for adults"

"Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets for adults"

Bonghorns & "Book 'em, Horns!" (Longhorns & "Hook 'em, Horns!")

Bongo Boulevard (51st Street, between Seventh Avenue and Broadway)

"Bonjour, y'all" (Paris, Texas greeting)

Bonut (biscuit + doughnut)

"Boob job implies the existence of boob unemployment"

Boob Tube (television)

Boobeoisie or Booboisie (boob + bourgeoisie)

Boobus Americanus

Boodle Board (Board of Aldermen)

Booger King (Burger King nickname)

Boogie Down Bronx

Book Row (or, Booksellers' Row)

"Booked and blessed"

"Booked, blessed and busy"

"Booked, busy and blessed"

"Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all"

Boomer Doomer or Boomer Remover (COVID-19 nickname)

Boomer Remover or Boomer Doomer (COVID-19 nickname)

Boomerang Buyer

"Boomerangs are just frisbees for lonely people"

Booporium (boo + emporium)

Boot Hill (cemetery for those who "died with their boots on")

Bootlegger

Boots on the Ground

Booyah (stew)

Boozeday Tuesday

Broadway's Living Room or Broadway's Supper Club or Broadway's Nightclub (Feinstein’s/54 Below)

Border Burger (South of the Border Burger; Tex-Mex Burger)

Border Buttermilk (tequila sour)

Borderplex

"Borders, language, culture"

Boregonian (The Oregonian newspaper nickname)

Boremont (Beaumont nickname)

"Born Free, Taxed to Death"

"Born on third base and thinks he hit a triple" (a privileged person)

"Born, raised and protected by God, guns, guts & glory"

Borough Hall (side-arm pitch in Brooklyn)

Borough of Cemeteries (Borough of the Dead)

Borough of Homes

Borough of Universities and Parks (Bronx)

Borough That's Thorough (Brooklyn)

Boroughite (inhabitant of a borough)

Boss

"Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?" (joke)

Boss Hog Bowl or Boss Hawg Bowl (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Boss Indians Around (Bureau of Indian Affairs or BIA nickname)

"Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That's why I crap on company time"

"Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time"

"Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That's why I shit on company time"

"BOSS spelled backwards is double-SOB"

"Boss told me to leave my problems at the door when I come to work, so I asked him to stand outside"

"Boss: Why are you late?"/"Me: I got drunk last night and set my calculator to $5.30."

"Boss: Would you be able to pass a urine test? Me: No problem. Distance or accuracy?"

"Boss: 'You missed work yesterday, didn't you?' Me: 'Not particularly.'"

"Boss: You should have been here at 8:30! Employee: Why, what happened at 8:30?"

Bosshole (boss + asshole)

"Bosshole (noun): A person who turns into an asshole ten seconds after being made Supervisor"

Boston Cooler

Boston Iced Tea (iced tea with cranberry juice)

Boston Sour (cocktail)

Botana (Botana Platter/Botanas Platter; Botana Plate/Botanas Plate)

Botax (Botox + tax)

"Both the Democrat and the Republican are running for president of Ohio"

"Botox is a performance-enhancing drug for poker players"

Bottle Alley (47 Baxter Street)

"Bottle of Pearl, please!" (Pearl Beer slogan)

"Bottled water companies don’t produce water, they produce plastic bottles"

Bottom Dollar ("Bet your bottom dollar")

Bottom Line (Bottom-Line)

"Bottomless breadsticks implies the existence of topless breadsticks"

Bottomless Brunch

"Bottomless brunch is actually just brunch in your own home without pants on"

"Bottomless brunch refers to unlimited drinks. Please wear pants"

Bottomless Cup

"Bottoms get subtitles; tops get domtitles"

Boudain or Boudin (Boudain Balls or Boudin Balls)

"Boudin is like sex. Even if you have to buy it at a truck stop it's still pretty good"

"Bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but it just runs around the chicken clucking"

"Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It poops on the floor"

"Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It shits on the floor"

"Bought a Dracula themed clock. Every second Count"

"Bought a high definition dessert today. It was a creme Blu-ray"

"Bought a pedometer the other day. It came with step by step instructions"

Boula-Boula (Boula Soup; Boula Gratinee)

Boulevard of Broken Hearts or Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Wall Street)

Boulevard of Death (Queens Boulevard)

Bouncebackability

Bouncer

"Bourbon has never been recalled for e-coli. Suck it lettuce"

"Bourbon is just water living up to its full potential"

"Bourbon: Making ice taste better since 1783"

"Bourbon (noun) -- magic brown water for fun people"

"Bourbon (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Bourye (bourbon + rye)

Bowen's Rule (Bowen's Law; Bowen's Revenue Theory of Cost)

Bowery Boy

"Bowery Gals" (1853)

Boweryite (inhabitant of the Bowery)

Bowie Knife

Bowl of Blessedness (Will Rogers on chili)

Bowl of Red (chili)

"Bowling is basically an hour of drinking beer occasionally interrupted by six seconds of exercise"

"Bowling is definitely the most positive thing that happens in an alley"

Box Ball (Boxball)

"Boxed wine is just an adult Capri Sun"

"Boxed wines are Capri Suns for depressed adults"

"Boxing between a squirrel and a hedgehog. The squirrel went nuts, but the hedgehog won on points"

"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up"

"Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other"

Boxing Mecca (Madison Square Garden nickname)

"Boy, did I call it or what? -- George Orwell"

"Boy From New York City" (1965)

"Boy, Hidy!" (or "Boy, Howdy!")

"Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl" (drama plot)

Boycott; Girlcott; Procott; Buycott

Boys in Blue (New York City Football Club or NYCFC nickname)

Boy's Town or Boys Town (Zona de Tolerancia; Zona Roja; Zona Rosa)

BPEC (bacon, potato egg and cheese)

Bracketology (Bracketologist)

Bradley Effect (Wilder Effect; Dinkins Effect)

Bragging Rights

"Braille is not that difficult to learn. You just have to have a feel for it"

"Brain cells die, skins cells die, even hair cells die, but fat cells..."

Brain Freeze

Brain Tablet (cigarette)

Brain Trust

"Brains are soft. Helmets are hard. Use both" (bicycle saying)

Brainstorm

Brand X

Branson of Texas (Granbury nickname)

Brass Band With a Leader (pork and beans)

Brass Band Without a Leader (beans without pork)

BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast)

Brat Pack

"Brave enough to inject unknown substances into the body, but afraid to breathe air"

Bravo Sierra (b.s., or bullshit)

Bravocado (bravo + avocado)

Brazilian Big Apple (São Paulo nickname)

Brazilian Day

Brazilian Film Festival

Brazos River Catfish Stew

BRC (Broadway Revival Cast)

"Bread ain't done in the middle" (stupid)

Bread-and-Butter Issue

"Bread and cheese are slang terms for money. So, I'm stacking grilled cheese sandwiches"

"Bread and water can so easily be toast and tea"

"Bread crumbs are just really small croutons"

"Bread goes into the toaster as a 'slice,' but comes out as a 'piece'"

"Bread is an edible sponge"

"Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist"

Bread Line

"Bread sticks imply the existence of bread trees"

"Breadcrumbs are toast confetti"

"Breadsticks are just bread jerky"

"Breadsticks imply the existence of breadtrees"

"'Break a leg' dates back to Shakespeare, because you can't make a Hamlet without breaking legs"

"Break a leg!" (theatrical saying, meaning "good luck")

"Break up the Yankees!"

Break Your Spirit Airlines (Spirit Airlines nickname)

"Breakfast Anytime" ("...so I ordered French toast in the Renaissance")

Breakfast Burrito; Breakfast Taco

"Breakfast cereal is just pet food for children"

"Breakfast cereal is pet food for humans"

"Breakfast in London, lunch in New York, baggage in Buenos Aires" (airline joke)

"Breakfast is the best alarm"

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day"

Breakfast of Champions (menudo)

Breakfast Pizza

"Breakfast pizza is the most important meal of the day"

"Breakfast tacos are the most important meal of the day"

Breakfast Test (journalism axiom)

Breakfastarian

Breakup Cake

Breastaurant (breast + restaurant)

Breather (stock market pause)

"Breathing first, winning next"

"Breed the best to the best and hope for the best" (horse racing adage)

Breitbarf (Breitbart News + barf)

Breitfart (Breitbart News + fart)

Bremain (Great Britain/British + remain)

"Brew. Enjoy. Empty. Repeat" ("beer" backronym)

Brewers Row (North 11th Street, Williamsburg; Linden Street, Bushwick)

Brewski (beer)

Brexit (Great Britain/British + exit)

Brexting (breakup + texting; breastfeeding + texting)

BRIC (Brazil + Russia + India + China)

"Bricks are domesticated rocks"

Bridal Building

Bridal Row; Wedding Row

Superbas (Brooklyn baseball team)

Bridegrooms (Brooklyn baseball team)

Bridge and Tunnel People

Bridge (card game)

Bridgegate (George Washington Bridge lane closures)

Bridgetown (Portland nickname)

Briehab (brie + rehab)

Briet (bridal diet)

Brimaquonx

"Bring back $10 Chinese food, $600 apartments & $20 full tanks"

"Bring home the bacon"

"Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king"

"Bring it on!" ("Bring 'em on!")

"Bring to the table" (to contribute something)

"Bringer" show

Brisket Taco

British Accreditation Registry ("bar" backronym)

British Brainwashing Corporation (British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC nickname)

British Bullshit Corporation (British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC nickname)

British Invasion (Broadway in the 1950s; rock and roll music in the 1960s)

"British people be like 'I am Bri ish' because they drank the T"

Brixit (Great Britain/British + exit)

"Bro even sleeping gettin boring now"

"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"/"Brochure"

"Broadway Baby" (1971)

Broadway Bible (New York Morning Telegraph, Variety nickname)

Broadway Bible (New York Morning Telegraph, Variety nickname)

Broadway Blueshirts

Broadway Bowl

Broadway Brownie

Broadway (Coca-Cola with vanilla ice cream)

Broadway Country Club/42nd Street Country Club (Knickerbocker Hotel bar)

Broadway Diner (on Lexington Avenue)

Broadway Flip Sundae

"Broadway implies the existence of a Narroway"

"Broadway implies the existence of a Narrowway"

Broadway North (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Broadway on Broadway

Broadway Show League

Broadway (slang for flashy dresser, loud talker)

"Broadway (So Many People)" (2005)

Broadway soda

Broadway Under the Stars

Broadwayite

Broadwayite

Broadwayite

"Broadway's a great street when you're going up. When you're going down — take Sixth Avenue."

"Broccoli implies the existence of a single broccolus"

"Broccoli implies the existence of sisccoli"

"Broccoli might get stuck in your teeth, but french fries will get stuck on your ass"

"Broke as a joke"

"Broke is temporary, but poor is a state of mind"

"Broken cookies don't have calories"

"Broken crayons still color"

"Broken trust is like a melted chocolate..."

Broken Windows; COMPSTAT; CAPSTAT

Broker Babble

Bronx Beauty (nickname of lightweight boxer Al Singer)

Bronx Bomber (nickname of lightweight boxer Al Singer)

Bronx Bombers (New York Yankees nickname)

Bronx Cheer

Bronx Cocktail

Bronx Crepes Suzette (blintzes)

Bronx Grape (Bronx Seedless Grape)

Bronx Indian or Brooklyn Indian

Bronx Riviera (Orchard Beach)

Bronx Salute

Bronx Toilet (Yankee Stadium)

Bronx Vanilla (garlic)

Bronxite (inhabitant of the Bronx)

"BROOK-LYN!" (Brooklyn chant)

Brookhattan (Brooklyn + Manhattan)

Brookhaven: Crookhaven (nickname)

BrooklyKnight or Brooklyn Knight (Brooklyn Nets mascot)

Brooklyn Blackout (ice cream)

Brooklyn Bombers (Brooklyn Dodgers nickname)

Brooklyn born, Brooklyn bred, and when I die I'll be Brooklyn dead

Brooklyn Boys (delirium tremens)

Brooklyn chewing gum (from Italy)

Brooklyn Clothesline

Brooklyn Cocktail

Brooklyn Country Music

Brooklyn Eats!

Brooklyn Fade or Brooklyn Blowout (haircut)

Brooklyn Grit

Brooklyn Hilton (Brooklyn Detention Complex)

Brooklyn International Film Festival

"Brooklyn is the bedroom of New York"

Brooklyn Jawbreaker (bagel)

"Brooklyn looks like an ice skating dragon"

Brooklyn National Anthem ("Spring is sprung...")

"Brooklyn of Seoul" (Seongsu-dong, South Korea)

"Brooklyn of Tokyo" (Daikanyamach?, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan)

Brooklyn-Queens Day

Brooklyn Side, New York Side (tenpins)

"Brooklyn-Style" Pizza

Brooklyn (vanilla and caramel frappuccino)

Brooklyn Wooley

"Brooklyn Zoo" (1995)

Brooklynesque

Brooklynettes (Brooklyn Nets cheerleaders/dancers)

Brooklynification

Brooklynite (inhabitant of Brooklyn)

Brooklyn's Backcourt (Brooklyn Nets' guards)

Brooklyn's Eiffel Tower (Coney Island Parachute Jump)

Brooklyn's Jewel or Brooklyn's Backyard (Prospect Park)

Brooklyn's Little Harlem (Bedford-Stuyvesant)

Brooklyn's Restaurant Row (Smith Street)

Brooklyn's Secret Suburb (Ditmas Park, Brooklyn)

Brooknam (Brooklyn + Vietnam)

"Broomstick parking only. All others will be toad"

Brosé (bro + rosé)

Brosurance (bro + insurance)

"Broth is just meat tea"

"Brothel? Oh, I'm not looking to make soup"

"Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?" (1932)

Brother-in-Law Sandwich (chopped beef, hot links and cheese)

Brother Jonathan (summary)

Brown Bag Special ("crack kit")

"Brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh"

Brown Sadness Water (decaf coffee)

Brown Santa

Brownie Butts

Brownie; Meter Maid

Brownstone

Brownstone Belt

Brownstone Front Cake

Brownsville: Never Ran, Never Will

Brownsvillian (inhabitant of Brownsville)

"Brunch is breakfast without an alarm clock"

"Brunch (noun): the socially acceptable excuse for day drinking"

Brush Country

"Brussels sprouts are just cabbage nuggets"

Brut (cocktail)

Brutus Salad

Bryanite (inhabitant of Bryan)

Bryant Park Summer Film Festival

BS-19 (bullshit + COVID-19)

BSPN (ESPN nickname)

BTFATH (Buy The Fucking All Time High)

BTFD (Buy The Fucking Dip)

BTFGS (Buy The Fucking Government Shutdown)

BTFVIX

BTFWWIII (Buy The Fucking World War III)

Bubba Dump (Bubba Gump Shrimp Company nickname)

"Bubba likes it" (Lone Star Cafe slogan)

Bubba-Q

Bubbaland or Bubba-land or Bubbaville or Deep Bubba (South Austin)

Bubbemycin or Bubbe-mycin (Jewish chicken soup)

Bubble Dancer (a person who washes dishes)

"Bubble tea sucks balls"

Bubblecovery (bubble + recovery)

Bubblenomics (bubble + economics)

"Bubbles are for bathtubs" (housing bubble)

Bubblevision (bubble + television)

Buchanan: Fukushima on the Hudson (Indian Point Energy Center nickname)

Buchanan: Chernobyl on the Hudson (Indian Point Energy Center nickname)

Buck nun (bachelor)

"Bucket list: 1. Bucket, 2. Ice, 3. Beer"

Buckle (Blueberry Buckle; Peach Buckle)

"Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car" (bumper sticker)

"Buckle up your guts"

Buckley Rule (vote for most conservative primary candidate likely to win general election)

Buckraker (buck + muckraker)

Bucktown (Brownsville, Brooklyn or the borough of Brooklyn)

Bud and Breakfast (marijuana bud + bed and breakfast)

Buda (summary)

Buddha Jumps Over the Wall or Buddha's Temptation (Fo Tiao Qiang)

Buddha's Delight or Buddhist Delight (vegetarian dish)

"Budget: A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions"

Budget Axe (Budget Ax)

Buffalo: Beef-on-Weck

Buffalo: Bison City (nickname)

Buffalo: Bomber Sandwich

Buffalo: "Buffalo. For Real" (slogan)

Buffalo: Buffalo Sundae (ice cream sundae)

Buffalo: Buffalove (Buffalo + love)

Buffalo: Chicken Wings or Buffalo Wings

Buffalo (city name etymology)

Buffalo: City of Good Neighbors (nickname)

Buffalo: City of Light (nickname)

Buffalo: City of No Illusions (nickname)

Buffalo: Electric City of the Future (nickname)

Buffalo: Nickel City (nickname)

Buffalo: Peanut Sticks

Buffalo: Pizza Logs

Buffalo: Queen City of the Lakes (nickname)

Buffalo: Spaghetti Parm (Spaghetti Parmesan)

Buffalo: Sponge Candy

Buffalo Sundae

"'Buffet' is a French word that means 'get up and get it yourself'"

Buffetiquette (buffet + etiquette)

Buggering British Children (British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC nickname)

"Bugled to Jesus" (to die)

"Bugs Bunny won't accept any files through WeTransfer or Google Drive. Use a WhatsApp doc"

Buharlem or Bukharlem (Bukhara + Harlem)

"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night..." (joke)

"Build Back Better -- brought to you by people who have never built anything"

"Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs"

"Building 7 didn't demolish itself"

"Building 7 didn't kill itself"

"Building cul-de-sacs is a dead end job"

"Building Seven didn't demolish itself"

"Building Seven didn't kill itself"

"Built by bonds"

Built On Self Success ("boss" backronym)

Bukharan Broadway or Bukharian Broadway (108th Street in Rego Park, Queens)

Bulb Belt (Broadway)

Bulgogi Burger (Bulgoki Burger)

"Bulimic cannibal at rave throws hands up"

Bulldog Edition

Bull Dozers or Bulldozers (similar to Southwestern Eggrolls)

Bull Dyke or Bulldyker (dyke or dike); Bulldyking

Bull Market

"Bull markets are born on pessimism, grow on skepticism, mature on optimism, and die on euphoria"

"Bull riding is one of those sports that got started by 'Watch this. hold my beer'"

Bull Shit (Bachelor of Science or BS backronym)

Bullet Sandwich

"Bullets and fireworks are the only things that do their job after they are fired"

"Bullets are the only things that do their job after they're fired"

Bullionaire (bullion + -aire)

"Bullish on America" (Merrill Lynch)

"Bulls and bears make money, but pigs get slaughtered" (Wall Street adage)

Bullshit Insider (Business Insider nickname)

Bullshit Labor Statistics (Bureau of Labor Statistics or BLS nickname)

Bulltard (bull + retard)

Bullwinkle District

Bully Pulpit

Bum Rap (undeserved criminal punishment)

Bum Steer

Bum Steer Awards (Texas Monthly)

Bumbleberry Pie (Bumble Berry Pie)

Bumbling Bomber

"Bump, set, spike" (volleyball axiom)

Bumper Thumper (minor automobile accident)

"Bumping elbows is the new first base"

Bumpitrage (bump + arbitrage)

Bunch of Assholes (Bank of America nickname)

Bundthole or Bundt hole (the hole in a Bundt cake)

Bungler-in-Chief (an incompetent top executive)

Bunnette

"Bunnies are cuddly, the large and the small. I like chocolate ones the best of them all"

"Bunny kisses and Easter wishes"

Buñuelos

Bureau of Incompetent Asses (Bureau of Indian Affairs or BIA nickname)

Bureau of Land Mismanagement (Bureau of Land Management or BLM nickname)

Bureau of Large Mistakes (Bureau of Land Management or BLM nickname)

Bureau of Lies and Statistics (Bureau of Labor Statistics or BLS nickname)

Bureau of Livestock and Mining (Bureau of Land Management or BLM nickname)

Bureau of Wrecklamation (Bureau of Reclamation nickname)

"Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status"

"Bureaucracy is a method for transforming energy into solid waste"

"Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible"

Bureaucratese or Bureaucrapese (bureaucratic language)

"Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise"

Bureaucrazy (bureaucracy + crazy)

Bureaustan (bureau + -stan)

Bureauweenie (bureaucrat + weenie)

Burger (from "hamburger")

Burger King Kids

"Burgers are just meat Oreos"

"Burglars please carry ID so we can notify next of kin"

Burma Road (Asian restaurants on 52nd Street, between 6th and 7th Avenues)

Burn the British (toasted English muffin)

Burnham's Folly (Flatiron Building)

"Burnt is just another flavor"

"Burnt spaghetti is called Al Dante"

"Burpees? I thought you said 'beer please'"

"Burpees? I thought you said Slurpees"

"Burpees? Yeah, no. I thought you said Slurpees"

Burrito

"Burritos are like blunts. If you can't roll, get a bowl"

"Burritos are like blunts made out of food"

"Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef"

"Burritos as big as your head" (restaurant sign)

"Burritos brought to life!" (Blockheads)

"Bury the lede" ("Bury the lead")

Bus Festival

Bus (slang term for ambulance)

Bus Station of Airports (LaGuardia Airport nickname)

Busboy or Bus Boy ("busing" tables)

"Buses have the route number on the back so you can confirm that it was your bus you just missed"

Bush League

Bushwickan (inhabitant of Bushwick, Brooklyn)

Bushwicker (inhabitant of Bushwick, Brooklyn)

Bushwickian (inhabitant of Bushwick, Brooklyn)

"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger"

"Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest"

"Business conventions show how many people a company can operate without"

Business Improvement District (BID)

"Business was so bad they were shooting deer in the balcony" (Broadway saying)

"Business without profit is not business any more than a pickle is a candy"

Buster Brown (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

"Busy, blessed and booked"

"Busy, booked and blessed"

"But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all. New York has great water for coffee"

"But first, cocktails"

"But first, coffee"

"But first, iced coffee"

"But for a beautiful moment in time we created a lot of value for shareholders"

"But I think I love fall most of all"

"But if that was true it would be on the news"

But It's Not Google (Bing backronym)

Butlersburg (Empire City Race Track nickname)

Butt-chugging (alcohol enema)

Butt Fumble (2012 NY Jets football fumble)

Butter-and-Egg Man

"Butter is bread lube"

"Butter is food lotion"

"Butter is just lotion for bread"

"Butter is just lotion for pancakes"

"Butter is just lotion for toast"

"Butter is just toast lube"

Butterfield Effect (Butterfield Fallacy; Butterfield Paradox)

Butterfly Cut (cooking technique)

Butterhorn (pastry)

Buttermilk Channel

Buttermilk Dressing (Buttermilk Salad Dressing)

Buttermilk Pie

"Butternut squash is a real let down. No butter. No nuts. Just squash"

"Butternut squash sounds dirty"

"Butternut squash soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie"

ButtFeed (butt + BuzzFeed)

"Buy art, not cocaine"

"Buy art, not drugs"

"Buy cheap, buy twice"

"Buy 'em when they're sleepin', hold 'em when they're creepin', sell 'em when they're leapin'"

"Buy in gloom, sell in boom"

"Buy land -- they ain't making any more of it"

"Buy low, sell high" (Wall Street proverb)

"Buy on the fringe and wait. Buy land near a growing city!"

"Buy on the rumor, sell on the news" (Wall Street proverb)

"Buy one beer for the price of two, and get the second beer free"

"Be right and sit tight" ("Buy right and sit tight"/"Buy right and hold tight")

Buy/Sell the Brooklyn Bridge

"Buy sheep, sell deer"

"Buy someone for what they're worth; sell them for what they think they'll bring"

"Buy stocks that go up; if they don't go up, don't buy them" (Will Rogers)

"Buy straw hats in the winter" (Wall Street proverb)

"Buy the best and cry only once"

"Buy the book before you buy the coin" (coin collecting adage)

"Buy the dips, sell the rips" (Wall Street adage)

"Buy the worst house in the best neighborhood" (real estate adage)

"Buy to the roar of cannon and sell to the sound of trumpets" (Wall Street adage)

"Buy when there's blood in the streets" (Baron Rothschild in 1871)

"Buy wind chimes. It’s a pretty sound investment"

"Buy with bread, sell with cheese" (wine saying)

"Buy wisely. Cook carefully"

"Buyers are liars and sellers are, too" (real estate saying)

"Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself"

"Buying groceries is starting to make me wonder what a pine cone tastes like!"

"Buying groceries with NO foodstamps should help boost ya credit score"

"Buying groceries without food stamps should boost your credit score"

"Buying insurance is almost the exact opposite of buying a lottery ticket"

Buying Stampede

Buzz Bar (coffee and alcohol bar)

Buzzard Boulevard (Broadway)

Buzzard's Breath Chili

Buzzetti

BW3 (Buffalo Wild Wings & Weck nickname)

Bwanker (banker + wanker)

B'way (Broadway)

BX (Bronx)

By Hammer and Hand All Arts Do Stand (Mercantile Library)

"By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden" (joke)

"By Newton's Third Law of motion, for every pulled pork sandwich, there is a pushed pork sandwich"

"By way of Canarsie" (Canarsie, Brooklyn)

"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually be the boss and work twelve hours"

BYOB (Bring Your Own Bag)

BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle, Bring Your Own Beer); BYOL (Bring Your Own Liquor)

BYOM (Bring Your Own Meat)

"C, E flat and G walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

C-note ($100 bill)

Cab Calloway's "Hepster's Dictionary" (1938, 1944)

Cabal News Network (CNN nickname)

Cabbage Night (October 30th)

"Cabbage: the age of a taxi"

"Cabernet? More like, caber-yay!"

"Cabinet installer arrested! Charged with counter fitting"

"Cacti are just goth cucumbers"

Cactus Capital of Texas (Sanderson nickname)

Cadillac Health Plan (Cadillac Tax)

Cadillac of Burgers (P.J. Clarke's bacon cheeseburger)

Cadillac of Poker (Texas Hold 'em nickname)

Cadillac of Poker (Texas Hold 'em nickname)

Caesar Salad

Caesarism

"Café au lait? I thought it was café olé! Like 'coffee, alright!'"

Café Brûlot (Café Brûlot Diabolique)

Cafe Society

Cafeteria

Cafeteria Germ (clostridium perfringens nickname)

"Caffeine is PG-13 cocaine"

"Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid"

"Caffeine is the new black"

"Caffeine isn't a drug, it's a vitamin"

"Caffeine: The other Vitamin C" ("Coffee: The other Vitamin C")

Cajeta

Cajun Capital of Texas (Port Arthur nickname)

Cajun Egg Rolls (Cajun Eggrolls)

Cajun Fries

Cajun Ketchup (Tabasco sauce nickname)

Cajun Microwave (La Caja China; Roasting Box)

Cake Day (New Year's Day, from Scotland)

"Cake is just dessert lasagna"

Cake Shake (Junior’s New Yorker Cake Shake)

"Cake solves everything"

Caketastrophe (cake + catastrophe)

Cala (rice fritter)

"Calamari are a rich man's onion rings"

"Calamari are just boujee onion rings"

"Calamari are just chewy onion rings"

"Calamari are just Italian onion rings"

"Calamari are the onion rings of the sea"

Calas ("Belle Calas! Tout chauds!")

Calas ("Belle Calas! Tout chauds!")

Calatrasaurus (Santiago Calatrava-designed World Trade Center Transportation Hub)

Calendar Girl

Calf Fries

"Calf fries are the original sack lunch"

Calf Slobber (Calf Slobbers)

California: Commiefornia (nickname)

California Dip or French Onion Dip

"California has four seasons -- Earthquake, Fire, Flood and Drought"

California of Texas (Clyde nickname)

Call Drink

Call Girl

"Call me a taxi."/"You're a taxi!"

"Call me an Uber."/"You're an Uber!"

"Call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner"

"Call me butter because I'm on a roll"

"Call me weird but I like all my money facing the same way"

"Call them 'Armadillos' because the team gets killed on the road"

"Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying.....he said canned goods"

"Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what should I be buying? He said, 'Canned goods'"

"Calling All Men," "Select, Don't Settle," "No Bunk. No Junk. No Imitations" (Barney's)

"Calling children strong and able -- clear your dishes off the table"

"Calling it a 'beer run' implies exercise, but calling it 'beer mission' implies importance"

"Calling your life a journey doesn't make it any less of a disaster"

Calm The Fuck Down (CTFD)

Calorically Challenged or Calorically Gifted (fat)

"Calories in one pistachio: 4. Calories burned opening one pistachio: 3,146. Take that, kale"

"Calories (noun) -- Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes tighter"

"Calves for the chavs" (weightlifting sayng)

Calzone

"Calzones are just Italian burritos"

"Calzones are just Italian empanadas"

Cambodian Cheese (prahok nickname)

Camel's Nose

"Camera catches looters stealing trillions" (Congress joke)

Camp Body

Campechana (seafood cocktail)

Campechanas

Campechanos

"Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow? Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it."

"Camping is just being homeless for fun"

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business"

"Camping is technically being homeless for fun"

"Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person"

"Can a blind person eat seafood?"

"Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?"/"Only if they have a very frank relationship."

"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?" (joke)

"Can a monitored soul be free?"

"Can a news story electrocute somebody? The answer may shock you"

"Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?" (riddle)

"Can anyone recommend a good breakfast wine?"

Can Do Shipyard (Brooklyn Navy Yard)

"Can February March?"/"No, but April May."

Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips (Chevrolet backronymic nickname)

"Can I call you back in a few cups of coffee?"

"Can I call you back in a few margaritas?"

"Can I call you back in a few mimosas?"

"Can I claim the government as a dependent on my taxes?"

"Can I pour you a beer?"/"It's a little early, isn't it?...For stupid questions."

"Can I think of any red wine puns? You bet Shiraz I can"

"Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?"

"Can someone give me a rough idea of how much a ball park would cost?"

"Can someone give me a rough idea of how much a ballpark would cost?"

"Can someone please explain the scientific logic of wearing a mask on a Zoom call?"

"Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss cheese?"

"Can someone tell me what the National Constipation Society have been tweeting about? I'm blocked"

"Can we all agree to temporarily raise the bar for what’s considered an 'alcoholic?'"

"Can we eliminate clickbait journalism? The answer may surprise you"

"Can we talk?" (Joan Rivers comic catchphrase)

"Can we try turning the country off and on again?"

"Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? This version has a virus"

"Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it? I believe it has a virus"

"Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?"

"Can you buy clothes pegs online?" (joke)

"Can you give me a lift?"/"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

"Can you name a Japanese weapon?"/"Shuriken."

"Can you name a Japanese weapon?"/"Sure I can."

"Can you put vodka in a humidifier? Asking for a friend"

"Can you strangle a mime with a cordless phone?"

"Can you tell me the Japanese word for a ninja throwing star?"/"Sure I can."

"Can you tell me when the next train is coming?"/"Look online." (joke)

"Can you tell me when the next train is coming?"/"Look online." ("on line" pun)

"Can you turn on the oven?"/"The oven simply does not find me sexually attractive."

"Can you use 'Mountain Dew' in a sentence?" ("Mount and Do" pun)

"Can zombies do yoga?"/"Of corpse knot!"

"Canada Dry implies the existence of Canada Moist"

"Canada Dry implies the existence of Canada Wet"

Canadian Brainwashing Corporation (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation or CBC nickname)

"Canadian buffet. All Yukon eat"

Canadian Bullshit Corporation (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation or CBC nickname)

"Canadian Mallomars are called Whippets"

Canajoharie: Flavor-Town (nickname)

"Canapé. Scottish for, I don't have the money"

Canarsien (inhabitant of Canarsie, Brooklyn)

"Cancel culture was created because the left cannot survive in a marketplace of free ideas"

"Cancel my subscription -- I don't need your issues"

CanDo (Canal Downtown)

Candy Apple (Red Candy Apple)

Candy Bar (Chocolate Bar)

Candy Cane

Candy Cane Lane

"Candy cane wishes and mistletoe kisses"

Candy Corn

"Candy corn is just corn turned into corn syrup then back into corn"

"Candy corn is the raisin of the candy world"

"Candy corn: The texture may be gross but at least the flavor is terrible"

"Candy corn: The texture may be off-putting but at least the flavor is horrible"

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker"

"Candy is dandy, but wine is divine"

Cannabisque (cannabis + bisque)

Cannaboutique (cannabis + boutique)

Canned Apple (Big Apple dance + Can-Can dance)

Canned Apple (Big Apple dance + Can-Can dance, 1937)

"Cannibal 1: Your wife makes great soup. Cannibal 2: Yes, but I'll miss her."

"Cannibal implies the existence of cannotibal"

"Cannibal implies the existence of cantibal"

Cannibal Sandwich ("hamburger in the raw" or "beef tartar")

"Cannibal's favorite appetizer: Chef Salad"

"Cannibals take being a people person to one fucked-up level"

"Cannibals will never go hungry. They can always make themselves a snack"

Cannonball Park (John Paul Jones Park nickname)

Canntibal (can't + cannibal)

"Can’t believe they let just anyone make babies but you gotta have a license to fucking fish"

"Can't dance and it's too wet to plow"

Can't Do Crap (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

"Can't fight his way out of a paper bag"

Can't Find The Crooks (CFTC backronymic nickname)

"Can't find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly"

"Can't hit the broad side of a barn" (baseball saying)

Can't Pass Again (CPA backronymic nickname)

Can't Produce Anything (CPA backronymic nickname)

"Can't rub two nickels together" (poor)

"I can't speak for anyone else, but I think I'm a terrible ventriloquist"

"Can’t wait for the day I walk down the aisle and hear those magical words: 'Captain speaking...'"

"Can’t wait til they legalize outside"

"Can’t wait til tomorrow. I have another big day of hand washing & looking out the window planned"

"Can’t wait till they legalize outside"

"Can’t wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer..."

"Can't wait to make a huge Thanksgiving dinner so my child can eat one roll"

"Can't wait until they legalize outside"

Cantibal (can't + cannibal)

Cantina (Cantinera)

Cantors' Carnegie Hall (First Roumanian-American Congregation)

Cape Codder (cocktail)

Capeesh (Italian for "understand")

CapEx (Capital Expenditure)

Capirotada (Mexican Bread Pudding)

Capisce (Italian for "understand")

"Capital goes where it's welcome and stays where it's well treated"

"Capital is a coward"

Capital of Everything

Capital of Latin America (Miami nickname)

Capital of the Border (El Paso slogan)

Capital of the World

"Capital punishment means them without the capital get the punishment"

"Capital Punishment: The income tax"

"Capitalism: Bread is lined up waiting for people. Socialism: People line up waiting for bread"

"Capitalism: Funding all other -isms since 4000 BC"

"Capitalism: Funding all other -isms since 1776"

"Capitalism implies the existence of lowercaseism"

"Capitalism is controlled by an 'invisible hand' that gives most people the invisible finger"

"Capitalism is the belief that the wickedest of men will do wicked things for the greatest good"

"Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class"

"Capitalism isn't evil just because you suck at life"

"Capitalism turns luxuries into necessities. Socialism turns necessities into luxuries"

"Capitalism without failure is like religion without sin. It doesn't work"

"Capitalism without socialism is fascism. Socialism without capitalism is communism"

"Capitalism: Work or starve. Communism: Work and starve"

Capitalism's International Army (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Capitalism's Invisible Army (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Capitalist Bible (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Capitalist Bible (Wall Street Journal nickname)

"Capitalist hell or Communist hell" (joke)

Capitalist Tool (Forbes magazine slogan)

Capitol Hill (Washington, D.C.)

Cappuccello (iced coffee drink with lemon juice)

"Cappuchinos -- coffee colored cotton pants"

Cappuccino

"Cappuccino is the dessert form of coffee"

Cappuchino (cappuccino + chinos)

Capri Salad or Caprese Salad (Insalata Caprese)

"Capri Sun is White Claw for kids"

CAPS LOCK-AMERICAN

Capstone Cabal

Car Owner Virus ("coronavirus" malapropism)

Caracas on the Hudson

Caramel Apple

Caramel Macchiato

"Caramels are just a fad, but chocolate is a permanent thing"

Carboholic

"Carbonated water is just liquid tv static"

"Carbonated water tastes like tv static"

"Carbs don't count on Sunday"

"Carbs don't count on Sundays"

"Carbs on Sunday don't count. Those are the Lord's carbs and He wants you to be happy"

"Cardamom implies the existence of at least one cardachild"

"Cardamom implies the existence of cardadad"

"Cardamom implies the existence of cardadad and cardafamily"

Cardinals (St. Louis baseball team in the National League)

Career Is Over (Chief Information Officer or CIO nickname)

"Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries"

"Careful, girls, fat guys just want to get into your pantries"

"Careful, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings"

"Careful ladies, fat guys just want to get in your pantries"

"Careful snowflake, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings"

"Cargo space?"/"Car no do that. Car go road."

Carmageddon (car + Armageddon); Carpocalypse (car + apocalypse)

Carnaval Del Boulevard

Carne Asada (Carne Asado)

Carne Guisada

Carnegie-Ford-Rockefeller (Council on Foreign Relations or CFR nickname)

Carnegie Hall of Cuisine (James Beard House nickname)

"Carpe Vino" (seize the wine)

Carpet Gun

Carpetbag Steak

Carpocalypse (car + apocalypse); Carmageddon (car + Armageddon)

Carriage Trade

Carrolltonian (inhabitant of Carrollton)

Carrot-and-Stick (Stick-and-Carrot)

"Carrot juice is technically orange juice"

Carrot-Raisin Salad

"Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way"

"Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision"

"Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision"

Carry/hold a torch for someone

Carthaginian (inhabitant of Carthage, Texas)

Cartoon News Network (Cable News Network or CNN nickname)

"Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy"

Caruso (cocktail)

Carvel (Flying Saucer, Wednesday is Sundae, et al.)

"Carvers are starvers" (carving adage)

"Carving a pumpkin is a great activity if you're in an artsy mood and also feel like stabbing..."

Carwashero (carwash worker)

Cary Grant (cocktail)

Casedemic (case + -demic)

Cash Cow

"Cash is the currency of freedom"

Cash on the Sidelines

"Cashier in supermarket: You have 12 items. This is the 10 items only queue. Can't you read?" (joke)

"Cashier: The self-checkout is available. Customer: I don't work here."

"Cashier wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years experience"

Cashtration (cash + castration)

Casting Couch

Casuey (South Texas term for "bucking")

Cat Alley (Cannon Street)

Cat Café

Cat Dog Cat Corporation (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Cat Food Commission or Catfood Commission (Deficit Commission nickname)

Cat Pack

Catalina Coupon

"Cataract is the third biggest cause of blindness. Religion and politics remain the first two"

"Catastrophe: when a taxidermist mounts the wrong end of the lion"

Catbird Seat or Cat Bird Seat (a superior or advantageous position)

"Catch and kill" (buying and burying a news story)

"Catch flights, not feelings"

"Catch-up hockey is losing hockey" (hockey adage)

"Catchers make the best managers" (baseball adage)

"Catches win matches" (cricket adage)

Catchupcino or Catchupino (catch up + cappuccino)

Catchupino or Catchupcino (catch up + cappuccino)

Catfish Capital of Texas (West Tawakoni)

Catfish Toes

Cathedral of Asphalt (Asphalt Green)

Cathedral of Baseball (Yankee Stadium)

Cathedral of Commerce (Woolworth Building)

Cathedral of the Skies (Empire State Building)

Cathedral of the Motion Picture (Roxy Theatre)

Ike Dike (proposed Texas Gulf Coast flooding barrier)

Catholic Intelligence Agency (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos"

"Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them"

Catskill Mountains: Yiddish Alps (nickname)

Catskill Mountains: Borscht Belt or Borscht Circuit (nickname)

Catskill Mountains: Catskill Mountain Rock

Catskill Mountains: "Catskill Mountains? Don't cats kill mice?"

Catskill Mountains: Jewish Alps (nickname)

Catskill Mountains: Sour Cream Alps (nickname)

Cattalo or Catalo or Cattelo (cattle + buffalo)

"Cattle come first, then men, then horses, then women"

Caucus

"Cauliflower is just albino broccoli"

"Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli"

"Cauliflower is just scared broccoli"

"CAUTION: I brake for no apparent reason"

"Caution: May bite before caffeine"

"CAUTION: May bite before coffee (and after too)"

"Caution! This vehicle makes frequent stops at your mom's house" (bumper sticker)

"Caution: When someone says get a grip, apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant"

"Cautions breed cautions" (auto racing adage)

Caviar of the South (boiled peanuts)

Caviar of the South (grits)

Caviar of the South (pimento cheese)

"Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money"

CBGB & OMFUG

CBO (cheddar-bacon-onion sandwich)

C.C.N.Y. (Christian College Now Yiddish)

"CDC said y’all can start using your blinkers"

Cedar Chopper

Cedar Hillbillies (inhabitants of Cedar Hill)

Cedar Parker (inhabitant of Cedar Park)

"Ceiling fans are just helicopter blades that didn't study hard enough"

"Ceiling fans are just mobiles for adults"

"Ceiling fans are really just helicopters who gave up on their dreams and opted for an office job"

"Celebrate Holy Week by flogging a banker. It's what Jesus would have done"

"Celebrate Holy Week. Flog a banker"

"Celebrate Presidents' Day by making a promise you have no intentions of keeping!"

"Celebrate your freedom this 4th of July by stopping by a government checkpoint"

"Celebrating the Ides of March by ordering Little Caesars and cutting the pizza 23 times"

Celebutante

"Celery farmers play the stalk market"

"Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza"

"Celery is basically just grass with water retention"

"Celery is just crunchy water"

"Celery is just crunchy grass-flavored water"

"Celery is just glorified grass"

"Celery is nature's dental floss"

"Celery is the only food that has both ranch dressing and peanut butter as acceptable toppings"

"Celery is what happens when you tell grass it can be anything it wants to be"

Celery Soda or Celery Tonic (Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray soda)

"Celery: When you have that sudden urge to bite into water with hair in it"

"Cell phones keep getting thinner and smarter...people the opposite"

"Cells multiply when they divide"

Cement Doughnut or Cement Donut (bagel)

Cemetery Belt (Glendale)

Cemetery Vote

Cenosillicaphobia (fear of an empty glass)

"Cenosillicaphobia -- the fear of an empty glass"

"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it"

"Censorship is the child of fear and the father of ignorance"

"Censorship is the child of fear, the father of ignorance, desperate weapon of fascists everywhere"

"Censorship is the hallmark of neoliberalism"

"Censorship is the life blood of neoliberalism"

"Censorship is the tool used when lies lose their power"

CensorTube (YouTube nickname)

Center for American Regress (Center for American Progress nickname)

Center for Death and Chaos (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Death and Corruption (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Death Control (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Democratic Communists (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Democratic Control (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Denial and Confusion (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Deranged Communists (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Disease Continuance (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Disease Creation (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Disease Crimes (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Disinformation and Confusion (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center of the Earth (Center of the World)

Centers for Depopulation and Control (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Centers for Disease Contradiction and Confusion (CDC nickname)

Centers for Doubt & Confusion (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Centers to Deceive and Control (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Central Banks' Central Bank (Bank for International Settlements or BIS nickname)

Central Distressway (Central Expressway in Dallas)

Central Park SummerStage

Centre of the Universe (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Centroplex (Belton/Killeen/Temple nickname)

Cereal Bar

"Cereal belongs in a bowl" (football joke)

"Cereal boxes never state milk is sold separately"

"Cereal is a bread salad with milk dressing"

"Cereal is breakfast soup"

"Cereal is just milk soup"

"Cereal is just pet food for people"

"Cereal is like pet food for humans"

"Cereal tastes better at night"

"Cereal tastes much better at night"

Certainly Not News (CNN nickname)

Certificate Of Vaccination ID (COVID backronym)

Certificate Of Vaccine ID (COVID backronym)

Certified Idiots of America (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Chainstaurant (chain + restaurant)

Chaircreature (Chairman of the Federal Reserve nickname)

Chairsatan (Chairman of the Federal Reserve nickname)

"Chalk it up to experience"

Chalk Night (October 30th)

Challahpeño or Challapeño (challah + jalapeño)

Challapeño or Challahpeño (challah + jalapeño)

Chalupa

Chalupa Burger

"Chalupas are just flat tacos"

Chambong (champagne + bong)

"Chamomile implies the existence of chamokilometer"

"Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody"

Champagne of the South (sweet tea)

"Champagne taste on a beer budget"

"Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends"

Champagne Unit (Texas Air National Guard nickname)

"Champagne wishes and caviar dreams"

"Champions are made when nobody is watching" (sports and exercise adage)

"Champions don't become champions in the ring -- they are merely recognized there"

Champurrado

Chancy Street (Chauncey Street, Brooklyn)

Change Decisions Constantly (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

"Change doesn't come from Washington; change comes to Washington"

"Change is good, but dollars are better"

"Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine"

"Change planes in Dallas" (where a Texan going to heaven or hell goes first)

"Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable"

"Change the world. Start with coffee"

"Change your plate. Change your fate"

Changes Decisions Constantly (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

"Changing Lives Since 1812" (New York City Mission Society)

"Channel the flannel" (winter saying)

Chair Force (Air Force nickname)

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow"

"Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose"

Charbucks (Starbucks nickname)

"Charcuterie boards are just Lunchables for adults"

"Charity, please" (Halloween request)

Charity Stripe (basketball free-throw line)

"Charles Dickens walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Charley Horse (Charlie Horse)

Charlie Taylor (butter substitute)

Charlotte Russe

Charm City (Baltimore nickname)

Charm of the Texas Coast (Rockport-Fulton nickname)

Charm Offensive

Charro Beans (Frijoles Charros; Frijoles a la Charra; Cowboy Beans)

Charter School

Chartichoke (Arctic char + artichoke)

Charticle (chart + article)

"Chase your passion, not your pension"

Chat-Down

"Cheap alcohol in suburbs is called subourbon whiskey"

"Cheap beer is like having sex in a canoe" (joke)

Cheap Charlie (candy store)

"Cheap service isn't good and good service isn't cheap"

Cheapatarianism (cheap + vegetarianism); Cheapatarian

Cheapuccino or Cheappuccino (cheap + cappuccino)

Cheat Every One (Chief Executive Officer or CEO nickname)

"Cheat on your boyfriend, not on your workout"

"Cheat on your girlfriend, not on your workout"

"Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater"

Cheater Ribs

"Check a story, lose a story"

Check Pants Republican (Check Pants Conservative)

"Check, please!" (restaurant saying)

"Check the date, love your state" (vehicle registration)

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself"

Checkbro (chess word alternative to "checkmate")

Checkbuddy (chess word alternative to "checkmate")

Checker Cab

"Checkers or wreckers" (auto racing saying)

Checkfriend (chess word alternative to "checkmate")

"Checking Facebook is like checking your underwear after a fart. There's most likely nothing new..."

"Checking social media at work is our generation's smoke break"

"Checking social media at work is our generation's smoke break"

"Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation"

"Checkmarks imply the existence of checkmatthews, checklukes and checkjohns"

Checkpal (chess word alternative to "checkmate")

Checkpoint to the Stars (Sierra Blanca border patrol checkpoint nickname)

"Cheerios are donut seeds"

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right"

"Cheers to making pour decisions"

"Cheers to making pour decisions tonight"

"Cheers to pour decisions"

"Cheers to Sunday! May your coffee be strong, your pajamas be comfy and your naps be uninterrupted"

"Cheers to the weekend. May your coffee be strong, your pajamas comfy and your naps uninterrupted!"

"Cheese and rice!" or "Cheese and crackers!" or "Cheese and crust!" ("Jesus Christ!")

"Cheese balls are just round Cheetos"

"Cheese balls are spherical Cheetos"

Cheese ("Cheese it -- the cops!")

Cheese Danish

Cheese Dip

"Cheese dip is thicker than blood" (joke)

Cheese Fries (Chili Cheese Fries; Jalapeño Cheese Fries)

"Cheese is basically happiness that you can melt"

"Cheese is just a loaf of milk"

"Cheese is just food glue"

"Cheese is just milk jerky"

"Cheese is the adult form of milk"

"Cheese is the savoury equivalent of chocolate"

"Cheese makers have many expenses in curd"

"Cheese Nips are just Goldfish for adults"

"Cheese Nips are just square Goldfish"

"Cheese omelettes are just egg quesadillas"

"Cheese puffs are just boneless Cheetos"

"Cheese sounds a lot more appetizing than 'fermented cow boob juice'"

"Cheese sticks are just milk jerky"

"Cheese sticks imply the existence of cheese trees"

Cheese Tea

"Cheese wheels are grated on a curve"

Cheesebox (Castle Williams)

Cheeseburger

Cheeseburger Capital of Texas (Friona nickname)

Cheesecake

"Cheesecake" and "Beefcake" (photography)

"Cheesecake is actually pie"

"Cheesecake is healthier than crystal meth"

Cheesecrap Factory (Cheesecake Factory nickname)

"Cheetos are just elongated cheese balls"

"Cheetos are just stretched out cheese balls"

"Cheez-Its are just adult Goldfish"

"Cheez-Its are just Goldfish for adults"

"Cheez-Its are just square Goldfish"

"Chef: Any cook who swears in French"

Chef Salad (Chef's Salad)

Chefdom

"Chefs are hard-working, talented artists. And we all turn their best efforts into shit"

"Chefs make such terrible investors. They're always trying to thyme the market"

Cheftestant (chef contestant)

Cheftestapant (chef + contestant + participant)

Chelsea Market

"Chelsea Morning" (1969)

Chelseaite (inhabitant of Chelsea, Manhattan)

Chelsean (inhabitant of Chelsea, Manhattan)

Chernobyl Death Obligation (Collateralized Debt Obligation or CDO nickname)

Cherpumple (cherry + pumpkin + apple)

Cherry Blossom Festival (Brooklyn Botanic Garden)

Cherry City (Salem nickname)

Chelsea Apple Orchard (1820s)

Chess District; Washington Square Park's "Snake Pit"

"Chess is life" (Bobby Fischer)

"Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer" (pun)

Chess Pie

"Chess players are pawn stars"

"Chess players mate better"

"Chess was the first game to have gender-fluid pieces. Pawns can become queens or knights"

Chevon (goat meat)

"Chevrolet has developed a SUV that runs on alcohol. They call it the Subourbon"

"Chew the scenery" (to overact)

Chewing Gum

"Chewing gum is like a stress ball for your mouth"

Chewsday (chew + Tuesday)

Chez Marshalls (Marshalls nickname)

Chi-raq (Chicago nickname)

Chi-Town (Chicago nickname)

Chiberia (Chicago nickname)

Chica Chica Card

"Chicago style pizza implies the existence of AP style pizza"

"Chicago style pizza implies the existence of MLA style pizza"

"Chicharrones are just meat cotton candy"

Chicharrones (pork cracklings)

Chicken a la King

"Chicken, airplane, soldier" (backstroke swimming)

Chicken and Dumplings (Slickers)

"Chicken and dumplings are just a deconstructed chicken pot pie"

"Chicken and dumplings is just deconstructed chicken pot pie"

Chicken and Waffles

Chicken Bingo (Chicken Poop Bingo; Chicken Shit Bingo)

"Chicken broth is bird tea"

Chicken Chili

Chicken Cone (ACL Fest food from Hudson's on the Bend)

Chicken Divan

Chicken Fajitas

"Chicken for the strength, waffles for the speed" (Lucky J's chicken & waffles)

Chicken French (Chicken Française; Chicken Francese); Veal French

Chicken Fried Bacon

Chicken Fried Chicken (CFC)

Chicken Fried Kingdom (Texas nickname)

Chicken Fried Ribeye Steak

Chicken Fried Salmon

Chicken Fried Shrimp

Chicken Fried Steak (CFS); Country Fried Steak

"Chicken in the car and the car won't go" (Chicago spelling rhyme)

"Chicken is only a breakfast food if it hasn’t been born yet"

"Chicken is the default meat"

Chicken Katsu (Torikatsu or Tori Katsu)

Chicken Kiev (Chicken a la Kiev)

Chicken Laredo

Chicken Lettuce Under Bacon ("club" sandwich backronym)

Chicken Lettuce Wrap (Yook Soong)

"Chicken loses job. Chicken is broke. Chicken strips"

Chicken Murphy

Chicken Noodle News or Chicken Noodle Network (CNN nickname)

Chicken Noodle Soup

"Chicken noodle soup is alphabet soup but in cursive"

"Chicken nuggets are just chicken meatballs"

"Chicken nuggets are meatballs"

"Chicken parm, you taste so good"

Chicken Peppers

"Chicken pot pie -- my three favorite things"

Chicken Ranch (or, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)

"Chicken salad is just well aged egg salad"

"Chicken soup is just bird tea"

"Chicken stock is just bird tea"

Chicken Tetrazzini

"Chicken today, feathers tomorrow"

Chickenhawk (Chicken Hawk)

"Chickens like to draw, but a cock'll doodle, too"

Chickentarian

"Chicks dig the long ball"

Chief Cook and Bottle Washer

Chief Everything Officer (Chief Executive Officer or CEO nickname)

"Chief executives have no more feeling for stockholders than for African baboons" (T. Boone Pickens)

Chiffalo (chicken + buffalo)

Chiffon Pie

Chihuahua Sandwich

Chilada (chili + enchilada/tostada, or -chilada)

Chilaquiles

Child Import Agency (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"Child with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Children born 9 months from now should be referred to as 'children of the quarn'”

"Children, if you are tired, keep going; if you want to taste freedom, keep going"

"Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents..." (joke)

"Children learn what they live"

"Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing"

"Children must be taught how to think, not what to think"

"Children should be taught how to think, not what to think"

Children's Menu; Oscar's Sauce (from the Waldorf)

Chile Colorado (Chili Colorado)

Chile con Carne

Chile con Queso (Chili con Queso)

"Chile is one of the few foods that has its own goddess" (Diana Kennedy)

Chile Relleno

Chile Stand (Chili Stand); Tamale Stand

"Chile Today, Hot Tamale" (or "Chili Today, Hot Tamale")

Chiletoque

Chili Burger; Chili Dog

Chili Capital of the World (Terlingua nickname)

Chili Gravy (Chile Gravy)

Chili Head

"Chili is basically just hamburger soup"

"Chili is just American curry"

"Chili is just cowboy curry"

"Chili is just Mexican curry"

"Chili is just southern curry"

"Chili is just Tex-Mex curry"

"Chili is just Texan curry"

"Chili is just Texas curry"

"Chili is just western curry"

"Chili is just white people curry"

Chili Mac

Chili Powder

Chili Queen (or Chile Queen)

"Chili represents your three states of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas"

Chilled Grease (spoonerism of "grilled cheese")

Chilly Dog (ice cream on a hot dog bun)

Chilorio (Mexican chile-seasoned pork dish)

Chiltepin (State Native Pepper)

Chilympiad

Chimichanga

Chimichurri (Dominican Chimichurri Burger; Chimi Truck)

Chin Sail (face mask)

"Chin up, shoulders back. Wipe those tears and get back on track..."

"China makes and the world takes" (business saying)

China Originated Virus In December 2019 (COVID-19 acronym/backronym)

Chinatown

Chinatown North (East Village, Manhattan)

Chinese Apple (for "pomegranate")

Chinese Broccoli (kai-lan or gai-lon)

Chinese Burrito or Chinese Taco (Moo Shoo Pork or Moo Shu Pork or Moo Shi Pork)

Chinese Chews

"Chinese food is one of the few things I have or consume that isn't really made in China"

"Chinese food is one of the few things I have or consume that isn't really made in China"

Chinese Hamburger (Rou Jia Mo)

Chinese Handball

Chinese Handball

Chinese Home Run (Chinese Homer)

Chinese Hot Dog

Chinese Pepper Steak

Chinese Popcorn (Sweet & Pungent Shrimp)

Chip Butty

Chip Keef (Chip Kief)

Chip Kief (Chip Keef)

Chipotle

Chippendale Building (SONY building)

"Chips and salsa for breakfast because it's Mexico somewhere"

"Chips are for sandwiches, not shoulders"

"Chips are just edible spoons"

"Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag"

"Chiron was a half human/half horse doctor, which made him the Centaur for Disease Control"

"Chiropractors are technically crack addicts"

"Chiropractors are technically crack dealers"

Chitlin' Circuit

Chive Box or Chive Pocket (Jiucai Hezi)

"Chobani is a poor man's Fage"

Choc-block (chocolate + block)

Chocha Beach (Orchard Beach)

Choco Taco or Taco Helado (ice cream taco)

Chocoholic

"Chocolate and vanilla are considered opposites because of their colors, not flavors"

Chocolate Brownie

"Chocolate by the Bald Man" (Max Brenner)

Chocolate Chip Muffin (State Muffin?)

Chocolate City (New Orleans nickname)

"Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad"

Chocolate Easter Bunny (Chocolate Easter Rabbit)

Chocolate Fondue

"Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is also a flavor of chocolate"

"Chocolate is great. It gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate"

"Chocolate is nature's way of making up for Mondays"

"Chocolate makes your clothes shrink"

"Chocolate, men, coffee -- some things are better rich"

Chocolate Milk

"Chocolate milk comes from brown cows" ("Chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows")

"Chocolate milk is just cold hot chocolate"

Chocolate Show

Chocolate Whiskey Cake

Chokelahoma (Oklahoma nickname)

"Choking Poster" in restaurants

Chookas ("good luck" in Australian theatre)

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life"

"Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring"

Chop Suey

Chopped Brisket (sandwich)

Chopped Cheese

"Chopped cheese is just a deconstructed cheeseburger"

Chopped Liver

Chopped & Screwed or Screwed & Chopped (Houston-based hip-hop)

Chopper City (New Orleans nickname)

Chopstick-Straw (Soup Sticks)

Chorine

Chorine Court (West 47th Street, between Broadway and Sixth Avenue)

Chorine Court (West 47th Street, between Broadway and Sixth Avenue)

Chorizontal (chorizo + horizontal)

Chork (chopstick + fork)

Chorus Girl

Chorus Girl's Breakfast or Whore's Breakfast (cigarette and New York Morning Telegraph)

Chorus Line

Choup (chowder + soup)

Chow

Chow Chow

Chow Mein Sandwich; Chop Suey Sandwich

Chow Mein Stem (Broadway; Mott Street)

Chow Mein Street (Broadway)

Chowhound (Chow Hound)

Chowmeinerie or Chowmeinery (a Chinese restaurant)

"Christ Offers Forgiveness For Everyone Everywhere" ("coffee" backronym)

"Christian hotels be like -- Amen-ities"

Christians In Action (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Christmas Adam (December 23, the day before Christmas Eve)

"Christmas calories don't count"

Christmas Capital of Texas (Grapevine nickname)

"Christmas cookies and happy hearts, this is how the holiday starts"

"Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday"

"Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet"

"Christmas is a deeply religious time we observe by going to the mall of our choice"

"Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone"

"Christmas is just Thanksgiving with gifts"

"Christmas is just Thanksgiving with presents"

"Christmas is more of a deadline than a holiday"

"Christmas is not as much about opening presents, as opening our hearts"

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money"

"Christmas: The only time of year where you can sit by a dead tree and eat candy out of socks"

"Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental"

Christmas Tree Bill

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"

Christocrat (Christian + -ocrat)

Chubbing

"Chubby, single and ready for a Pringle"

Chuck Box

"Chuck E. Cheese is really just a casino for children"

Chuck E. Disease's (Chuck E. Cheese's nickname)

Chuck Eater

Chuck Line (Chuckline)

Chuck Wagon

CHUD (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers)

Chuggable

Chump Change

"Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter with pulp"

Chupacabra or Chupacabras (goat-sucker)

"Church is never out until they stop singing"

Church of Rock and Roll (Fillmore East)

Church of the Generals (St. John's Episcopal Church, Fort Hamilton, Brooklyn)

Church of the Holy Barbecue (New Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Huntsville)

Church of the Painful Truth

"Churches and the casinos are closed. When heaven and hell both agree on something...it’s serious"

Churnalism (churn + journalism)

Churning

Churrnut (churro + doughnut)

Churros (Spanish fritters or doughnuts)

CIA News Network (CNN nickname)

CIA News Network (CNN nickname)

CICINO (Commander-In-Chief In Name Only)

Cider Bar

Cidery (cider winery)

Cigar City (Tampa nickname)

"Cigars, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants... I think I might be a vegetarian!"

Cilanthropist or Cilantropist (cilantro + philanthropist)

Cilantropist or Cilanthropist (cilantro + philanthropist)

"Cilantropist -- someone who's generous with cilantro in their recipes"

Cinco de Drinko (Cinco de Mayo + drink)

Cinco de Mayo (fifth of May)

"Cinco De Mayo on Taco Tuesday and it’s ruined by a virus with the same name as a Mexican beer"

"Cinco de Mayo will fall on Taco Tuesday. This is it people. This is what we’ve been training for"

Cinderella City

Cinema Island (City Island)

"Cinema means sin and enema"

"Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust"

"Cinnamon rolls not gender roles"

Cinnsation (cinnamon + sensation); Cinnsational

CINO (Catholic/Christian/Conservative In Name Only)

Cioppino (Ciopino; Ciuppin)

"Circle is the shape of soup"

Circle of Liberty

Circle of Taste

Circuit of the Americas (Austin racetrack)

Circuit Queen

Circus Peanuts (candy)

Ciscoan (inhabitant of Cisco)

Citadel of Chic (Condé Nast Building)

Citigov (Citigroup + Government)

Citiot (city + idiot)

Citizens' Filibuster (Citizen's Filibuster)

Citrus Capital of Texas (Weslaco nickname)

City Bakery's Hot Chocolate Festival

City Chicken

City for Sale

"City Juice" & "One on the City" (water)

City of a Million Dreams (New Orleans nickname)

City of a Thousand Mounds (Austin nickname)

City of Big Shoulders or City of Broad Shoulders (Chicago nickname)

City of Brotherly Love (summary)

City of Champions (Duncanville nickname)

City of Churches (Brooklyn)

City of Cities

City of Contrasts (Odessa slogan)

City of Fire (Coney Island)

City of Flour and Sawdust (Minneapolis nickname)

City of Golden Dreams

City of Hate (Dallas nickname)

City of Hills (Austin nickname)

City of Ideas (Austin nickname)

City of Light or Ville Lumière (Paris, France nickname)

City of Live Oaks and Friendly Folks (slogan of both League City and Pleasanton)

City of Magnificent Distances (Washington, D.C. nickname)

City of Neon and Chrome

City of Palms (McAllen nickname)

City of Refined Oil and Crude People (Houston nickname)

City of Roses or Rose City (Portland nickname)

City of Stars (Kilgore nickname)

City of Straits (Detroit nickname)

City of Syrup (Houston nickname)

City of the Hour (Dallas nickname)

City of the Violet Crown (Austin nickname)

City of Yes (New Orleans nickname)

City on the Make (Chicago nickname)

City Series (Mets vs. Yankees)

City That Care Forgot (New Orleans nickname)

City That Forgot to Care (New Orleans nickname)

City That Lifted Its Face (Weslaco nickname)

City That Never Sleeps

City That Works (Chicago nickname)

City Under Seven Flags (Laredo nickname)

City With Everything

City With No Limits (Houston slogan)

City With the Neon Skyline (Weslaco nickname)

City Without Limits (Killeen slogan)

CityHawks, Dragons (arena football teams)

Citymeals-on-Wheels; City Harvest

Civic Virtue (Big Boy, Fat Boy, Rough Guy)

"Civil servant missile -- it doesn't work and it can't be fired"

"Civil War jokes? I General Lee don't find them funny"

Clam Digger & Mussel Sucker (City Island terms)

Clambake (Clam Bake)

Clams Casino

"Clapping is just repeatedly high-fiving yourself over someone else’s achievement"

Clara-Bortion (Clara Barton High School nickname)

"Clarinet: I wet my reeds with the tears of brass players"

Clash of the Boroughs (Brooklyn Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Classhole (class + asshole)

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune"

"Clean and sober just means that I’m showered and heading to the liquor store"

"Clean sperm is the new Bitcoin"

Clean Vote

"Cleaning house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing"

"Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places"

"Cleaning the house while your kids are home is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo"

"Cleaning the house with children in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreo cookies"

"Cleaning windows is a pane in the glass"

"Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos"

"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets"

"Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"

Clearly Texas (Uvalde slogan)

"Clients go to jail and lawyers go to lunch"

Cliff Dweller

Climastrology (climate + astrology); Climastrologer (climate + astrologer)

Climatard (climate + retard)

"Climate change doesn’t care if you believe in it or not"

"Climate change happens four times a year. It's called seasons"

"Climate change happens four times a year -- winter, spring, summer, fall"

"Climate Change: Where the weather is always your fault and the only solution is more communism"

Climate Cliff

Clinton News Network (CNN nickname)

Clinton News Network (CNN nickname)

"Clogs to clogs in three generations"

"Clones are people 2"

"Clones are people two"

"Close, but no cigar"

"Close enough for government work" ("Good enough for government work")

"Close enough for jazz" (music adage)

"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades"

"Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and ballroom dancing"

"Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and drive-in movies"

"Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and slow dancing"

Close to everything, far from it all (League City slogan)

"Closed but still awesome" (store sign)

Clot Shot (#ClotShot)

Clothespin Vote

Clotshop (vaccination site)

Clottery (blood clot + lottery)

Cloud Around the Moon (Chinese dish of king crabmeat, scallops and lobster)

Cloud Commissary

Cloud Kitchen

Cloud Restaurant

Clown Hall or Clownhall (clown + town hall meeting)

Clown News Network (CNN nickname)

Clowncil (Clown Council)

Clowndidate (clown + candidate)

Clowngrade (clown + downgrade/upgrade)

Clowngress (clown + Congress)

Clownhall or Clown Hall (clown + town hall meeting)

Clownhall (Townhall nickname)

Clownigarch (clown + oligarch)

Clowns In Action (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Clowns In America (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

CLT (chicken, lettuce and tomato)

Club Row (West 27th Street)

Club Row (West 44th Street)

Club Sandwich (Club House Sandwich; Clubhouse Sandwich)

"Club sandwiches, not seals"

"Club soda is just angry water"

"Club soda is just liquid tv static"

"Club soda tastes like tv static"

Club Trillion (basketball slang for a benchwarmer's statistics)

Clubstaurant (club + restaurant)

CNBS (CNBC nickname)

CNN Effect

"CNN said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who does the world owe? Jupiter?"

CNNPC (CNN nickname)

Co-op City

"Co-Vid would be a much better name for Zoom"

Coachella East (Panorama Music Festival nickname)

Coachspeak

"Coaster?? That's for people who put their coffee down"

Coastie (Coast Guard member nickname)

"Coating chicken in egg batter is pretty messed up when you think about it"

Coattails

COB Pizza (cheese-on-bottom)

Cobb Salad (Southwest Cobb Salad; Southwestern Cobb Salad; Texas Cobb Salad)

"Cobbler is upside-down pie"

"Coca Cola went to town, Pepsi Cola shot him down"

Cocaine Importing Agency (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money"

Cock Rock

"Cockroaches survive nuclear war. Which means America will still have a functioning government"

Cocktail

Cocktail Conservative

Cocktail Franks (Cocktail Weiners; Cocktail Wieners; Cocktail Weenies)

Cocktail Hour

Cocktail Party

Cocktail Umbrella

Cocktailian

"Cocktails are dangerous because it just tastes like juice and then you can't walk"

"Cocktails are dangerous because it tastes like just juice and then you can't walk"

"Cocktails are dangerous because they just taste like juice and then you can't walk"

Coco Bread

Cocoanista (cocoa + fashionista)

"Coconut water tastes like water that's already been in someone's mouth"

"Coconuts are mammals because they have hair and produce milk"

CODESTINK or Code Stink (CODEPINK or Code Pink nickname)

"Coercion is not consent"

Coexist (bumper sticker)

"Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey -- until Thanksgiving"

"Coffee -- A tasty cup of caffeinated sanity in an uncertain world"

"Coffee: A warm, delicious alternative to hating everybody every morning forever"

"Coffee: a warm, delicious alternative to hating everyone every morning forever"

"Coffee: a warm, delicious alternative to hating everyone forever"

"Coffee and friends -- A perfect blend"

"Coffee and friends are the perfect blend"

"Coffee and friends make the perfect blend"

"Coffee and friends -- The perfect blend"

"Coffee and love are best when they are hot"

"Coffee and love taste best when they are hot"

"Coffee and then the world"

"Coffee because adulting is hard"

"Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive"

"Coffee -- because bad mornings deserve a second chance"

"Coffee: Because crack is bad for you"

"Coffee: Because crack is illegal"

"Coffee: Because crack isn't allowed in the workplace"

"Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm"

"Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm"

"Coffee...because I can count the number of hours I slept last night on one hand"

"Coffee, because Monday happens every week"

"Coffee. Because mornings. And afternoons"

"Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning"

"Coffee. Because sarcasm needs to stay hydrated"

Coffee Break

"Coffee break's over! Everyone back on your heads!" (joke)

"Coffee. Chaos. Bed. Repeat"

"Coffee. Chaos. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee. Chaos. Wine. Bed. Repeat"

"Coffee. Chaos. Wine. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee! Coffee! It’s our drink! If we don’t get it, we can’t think!"

"Coffee completes me"

"Coffee, contour and confidence"

"COFFEE: Cup OF Finest Enjoyment Ever"

"Coffee does so much for us, and all it asks for in return is for me to drink it constantly"

"Coffee does so much for us and asks for nothing in return"

"Coffee doesn't ask me stupid questions in the morning. Be like coffee"

"Coffee doesn't ask me stupid questions in the morning. Be more like coffee"

"Coffee doesn't ask me stupid questions in the morning. Try being more like coffee"

"Coffee doesn't ask silly questions. Coffee understands"

"Coffee doesn't ask stupid questions. Coffee understands"

"Coffee doesn't solve all my problems, but it stops me from creating some new ones"

"Coffee filters can be used as toilet paper, but it does change the taste of the coffee"

"Coffee first, your bullshit second"

"Coffee & Friday are my two favorite words"

"Coffee gets me started. God keeps me going"

"Coffee gives me the extra boost I need to begin a full day of talking about how tired I am"

"Coffee Grindr -- a dating app for people who are coffee gender"

"Coffee Grindr -- dating app for gay baristas"

"Coffee has a unique aroma that makes you forget how painful it is to be awake"

"Coffee has a unique aroma that makes you forget how painful it is to be awake so early"

"Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity"

"Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity"

"Coffee helps me cope with the reality of having to interact with other humans"

"Coffee helps me cope with the reality of having to interact with other people"

"Coffee helps me maintain my 'never killed anyone streak'"

"Coffee helps me person. Personing is hard without caffeine"

"Coffee helps me play nice with others"

"Coffee! If you're not shaking, you need another cup"

Coffee in the Dark (coffee without milk)

"Coffee in the morning and whiskey at night"

"Coffee in the morning and whiskey in the evening"

"Coffee in the morning. Bourbon at night"

"Coffee in the morning. Bourbon in the evening"

"Coffee is a cup of hope in a world full of chaos and Mondays"

"Coffee is a kind of magic you can drink"

"Coffee is a liquid hug for your brain"

"Coffee is an energy drink"

"Coffee is an essential part of my 'responsible grown up' disguise"

"Coffee is Friday in a cup"

"Coffee is just cocaine for poor people"

"Coffee is just dirty water"

"Coffee is just dirty water with caffeine in it"

"Coffee is just dirty water with drugs in it"

"Coffee is just goth tea"

"Coffee is just goth water"

"Coffee is just hot dirty water"

"Coffee is like a warm fireplace for the soul"

"Coffee is my duct tape. It fixes everything!"

"Coffee is my emotional support beverage"

"Coffee is my favorite co-worker"

"Coffee is my favorite co-worker"

"Coffee is my morning wine"

"Coffee is my reward for being a grown up"

"Coffee is my reward for being an adult"

"Coffee is my reward for getting out of bed"

"Coffee is my reward for sleeping"

"Coffee is my reward for waking up"

"Coffee is my second favorite plant"

"Coffee is my stress reliever"

"Coffee is my ultimate stress reliever"

"Coffee is not a beverage... It's a moment of pleasure"

"Coffee is not an option. It's an attitude"

"Coffee is not just a beverage. It's a cup of liquid sanity!"

"Coffee is not my cup of tea"

"Coffee is PG cocaine"

"Coffee is PG-13 coke"

"Coffee is proof that mornings were created for a reason"

"Coffee is really just hot bean water"

"Coffee is so popular, it’s had an entire line of tables named after it"

"Coffee is the best Monday motivation"

"Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with"

"Coffee is the gasoline of life"

"Coffee: Is the planet shaking or is it just me?"

"Coffee is the ultimate stress reliever"

"Coffee is the whiskey of the morning"

"Coffee is why I got out of bed today"

"Coffee isn't helping. Get the jumper cables!"

"Coffee isn't just a beverage. It's a tasty cup of caffeinated sanity in an uncertain world"

"Coffee isn't working. Get the jumper cables!"

"Coffee: It's like allergy medicine for mornings"

"Coffee -- It's why you got out of bed today"

"Coffee: Keeping the crazy at bay for another day"

"Coffee keeps me busy until it's time to be drunk"

"Coffee keeps me off the naughty list"

"Coffee: liquid joy juice"

"Coffee: liquid optimism"

"Coffee make brain work gooder"

"Coffee makes everything okayer"

"Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile"

"Coffee makes me a better person"

"Coffee makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Coffee: Mother Nature's jumper cables"

"Coffee -- my hot friend I was telling you about"

"Coffee (n): an attitude adjustment in a mug"

"Coffee (n): break fluid"

"Coffee (n): survival juice"

"Coffee (n): the person upon whom one coughs"

"Coffee (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

"Coffee now, bourbon later"

"Coffee now comes in five sizes: small, medium, large, extra large and Monday morning"

"Coffee now, gin later"

"Coffee now, palpitate later"

"Coffee now, wine later"

"Coffee now, work later"

"Coffee now, work later"

"Coffee owns me, and I'm fine with that"

Coffee Party

Coffee Pot & Coffee Pot Canyon (Broadway)

Coffee Regular

"Coffee shops are just gas stations for people"

"Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death and sweet as love"

"Coffee should come in four sizes: small, medium, large and Monday"

"Coffee smells like magic and fairy tales"

"Coffee spelled backwards is 'eeffoc'"

"Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired"

"Coffee strong, lashes long, hustle on"

Coffee Summit

"Coffee table? Psh. Those are for people that actually put their coffee down"

"Coffee tastes better on Fridays"

"Coffee tastes better when you're wearing a cardigan"

"Coffee tastes better when you're wearing a sweater"

Coffee & Tea Festival

"Coffee, tea or me?"

"Coffee. Teach. Repeat"

"Coffee. Teach. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee: The daytime stumbling, stretching, yawning, dragging, cotton mouthed, gulping..."

"Coffee: The most important meal of the day"

"Coffee -- the vodka of morning"

"Coffee, then the world"

"Coffee & Vitamin Sea are food for the soul"

"Coffee vs. Oxygen. One is needed to survive. The other is oxygen"

"Coffee -- when your brain needs a hug"

"Coffee, Wine & Amazon Prime"

"Coffee. Wine. Bed. Repeat"

"Coffee. Wine. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee. Wine. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee with a friend is like capturing happiness in a cup"

"Coffee with soy milk is just bean water mixed with bean water"

"Coffee without a donut is like a week without a weekend"

"Coffee without donuts is like a week without a weekend"

"Coffee. Work. Wine. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee. Yoga. Wine. Repeat"

"Coffee. Yoga. Wine. Sleep. Repeat"

"Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up!"

Coffice (coffeehouse + office)

Cohencidence (Cohen + coincidence)

Coincideath (coincidence + death)

"Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and the pulleys"

Coincidence Lasagna/Lasagne (layers of coincidence)

Coincidence Theorist

Coinciditis (coincidence + -itis)

"Coinciditis -- Myocarditis that coincidentally only affects the vaccinated"

"Coins are made of metal, because change is hard"

Coinstipated or Coinstapated (coin + constipated)

Cold Cheese Pizza (also called "Oneonta slice")

"Cold pepperoni pizza is just shabby-chic charcuterie"

"Cold soup is just a vegetable smoothie"

"Colder than a witch's tit" (very cold)

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage (coleslaw joke)

Coliseum Books (not near the departed Coliseum)

"Collapse/Fall/Fold faster than Lehman Brothers"

Collapsing News Network (CNN nickname)

"Collared greens are just well dressed vegetables"

"Collect moments, not things"

"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery"

"College bookstores are like the GameStop of textbooks"

"College is a constant struggle of if I should eat, sleep, cry, study, or workout"

"College is a fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink"

"College is just the most expensive book club"

"College is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane"

"College is soup and I am a fork"

"College is the new indentured servitude"

"College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable"

"College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back"

College of Cardinals (Appropriations Committee nickname)

College Pointer (inhabitant of College Point, Queens)

"College prepares you for real life right away. It puts you in debt"

"College -- The most expensive party I've ever been to"

"College Years: The only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife"

Colleywood (Colleyville nickname)

Collusion News Network (CNN nickname)

Collyer brothers (hermits)

Colorado: "Where do crayons go on vacation?"/"Colorado."

Colonel Sanchez (KFC/Colonel Sanders + Taco Bell)

"Colonel Sanders chicken recipe has been kept more secure than US classified documents"

Colorado: "I wonder if colorblind people read Colorado as just 'ado'"

Colorado Kool-Aid (Coors beer, from Colorado)

Colorado Rib Steak

Colorado: Rover (nickname)

Colored People's Time (CP Time or CPT)

Colostomy Pie (Frito Pie nickname)

"Colt: The original point and click interface"

"Colton's Steak House is a poor man's Texas Roadhouse"

Columbia University's Alma Mater (Mary Lawton, model)

Columny (calumny from a columnist)

Colyumist (Columnist)

Comal

"Come as you are in the family car" (drive-in slogan)

Come Back Again (Continental Basketball Association or CBA nickname)

"Come Early; Be Loud; Stay Late" (Longhorns slogan)

"Come for the food. Stay for the fun"

Come-Here-Naughty (Comirnaty vaccine nickname)

"Come in. We are awesome" (store sign)

"Come in, we're awesome" (store sign)

"Come in, we're open and awesome" (store sign)

Come Late And Start Sleeping ("class" backronym)

"Come on, admit it... you've had tongue sex with a Twinkie at least once"

"Come on ice cream!" (post-jalapeño-eating saying)

Come On Let's Love Each Girl Equally ("college" backronym)

"Come on up and I'll show you my etchings" (sexual trope)

"Come on Vacation, Leave on Probation"

"Come sit on the porch with me. The drinks are cold & the friendship's free"

"Come-to-Jesus" Meeting

"Come to the dark side. We have cookies"

"Come to the nerd side. We have Pi"

"Come to the nerd side. We have Pi"

Comeback Sauce (Come Back Sauce; Cumback Sauce; Kumback Sauce; Kumbak Sauce)

"Comedy doesn't travel well"

"Comedy is a serious business" (theatre adage)

"Comedy is tragedy plus time" (theatre adage)

"Comes the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!"

Comexodus (Comex + exodus)

Comfort Food

"The job of the newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable"

COMING SOON!

"Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success"

Commercial Emporium

"Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects"

Commiecrat (commie + Democrat)

"Commit to be fit"

"Committee work is like a soft chair -- easy to get into but hard to get out of"

"Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do work"

Common Man's Metal (silver nickname)

Common Sense Caucus (Caucus of Common Sense)

"Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden"

"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it"

"Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it"

"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done"

"Common sense should reveal the absolute absurdity of what is happening in the world right now"

"Communion wine should always be full-bodied"

"Communism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

"Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals"

"Communism: You masked for it"

Communist Broadcasting Corporation (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation or CBC nickname)

Communist Core (Communist + Common Core)

Communist News Network (CNN nickname)

Communist News Network (CNN nickname)

"Communists aren't people. They're state property"

Community Emergency Response Team (CERT)

"Commuting is just sitting in a moving waiting room"

Compact of Fifth Avenue (Pact of Fifth Avenue)

Compact of Fifth Avenue (Pact of Fifth Avenue)

Compañera; Compañero

"Comparing apples and oranges"

"Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in men"

"Competition is a sin" (Rockefeller?)

Competitive Eating Contests

Complete Bull Shit (CBS nickname)

"Completely misunderstood pride month. Who wants to buy 15 lions?"

Complicity Theorist

Compost Cookie

"Computer: An electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities"

"Computers can do more work than people because they never have to stop and answer the phone"

"Computers were down at work. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire"

Comstockery

Con Dead (nickname for a Con Ed power failure)

Con Ed or Con Edison (Consolidated Edison)

Con-a-sewer (connoisseur)

"Conceive - Believe - Achieve"

Conchas (Mexican shell-shaped pastries)

Concorde Hotel (Radisson Martinique on Broadway)

Concourse Crawler or Concourse Creeper (C or CC subway line)

Concrete City (Seguin nickname)

Concrete or Blizzard (frozen dessert)

Condé Nasty (Condé Nast nickname)

"Condense soup, not books"

Condensed Milk (Borden's Eagle Brand)

"Condiments are makeup for food"

Condo Coast

Condoburg (condominium + Williamsburg)

Condominium/Condo/Condomini

"Condoms prevent minivans"

"Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion"

Condop (condominium + cooperative)

Condotel (condo + hotel)

Conehead (SNL sketch and movie; Mets/Yankees pitcher David Cone; Con Ed workers)

"Coney Island Bloodhounds" (hot dogs) & "A Midget from Harlem" (small chocolate soda)

Coney Island Butter (mustard)

Coney Island Chicken (hot dog)

Coney Island (Coney; Coney Dog)

Coney Island whitefish

Coney Island's Fifth Avenue (Riegelmann Boardwalk)

Coney Sauce (Coney Island Sauce; Hot Dog Sauce)

"Confectioners' sugar is the glitter of the baking world"

Confederate Heroes Day

"Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you"

"Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud"

"Confidence is the companion of success"

"Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation"

"Confidence is the key. If you don't believe in yourself, then nobody will"

Confidence Man

"Conformity is doing what everybody else is doing, regardless of what is right"

"Confucius say: Baseball very funny game -- man with 4 balls no can walk!"

"Confucius say: Baseball very funny game -- man with four balls no can walk!"

"Confucius say: Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?"

"Confucius say: Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk"

"Confucius say: Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk"

"Confucius say: Man who drive like hell bound to get there"

"Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time"

"Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time"

"Confucius Say -- Student who study history, will find there is no future in it"

Confungry (confused + hungry)

"Confused as a cow on AstroTurf" (or, "Confused as a goat on AstroTurf")

"Confused people don't buy" (marketing adage)

"Confused sultana scone seeks raisin d'être"

"Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs"

"Congress: A man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees"

"Congress is good at only two things -- doing nothing and overreacting"

"Congress is like 2 drunks arguing the bar bill on the Titanic"

"Congress is the only whorehouse that loses money"

"Congress opened with a prayer and closed with a probe"

Congresscriminal (Congress + criminal)

Congresscritter (Congress + critter)

Congressional Effect

Congressmoron (Congressman + moron)

Congresspuke (Congress + puke)

Congross (Congress + gross)

"Conjunctivitis.com -- that's a site for sore eyes"

Conjunto

Connecticut: Freestone State (nickname)

Connecticut: Land of Steady Habits (nickname)

Connecticut: Nutmeg State (nickname)

Conned-sumer (conned + consumer)

"Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee"

Conscience of the Congress (Congressional Black Caucus moniker)

Conservadem (conservative Democrat)

Conservatard (conservative + retard)

"Conservatism is progressivism driving the speed limit"

Conservative Spring Break (Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC nickname)

"Conservatives are progressives driving the speed limit"

"Conservatives believe life begins at conception and ends at birth"

"Conservatives get the rhetoric; liberals get the action"

"Conservatives think liberals are stupid; liberals think conservatives are evil" (Krauthammer's Law)

Conservatoid (conservative + -oid)

"Conserve Texas water -- Drink Texas wine"

Conspiracy Fact

Conspiracy Nut

"Conspiracy theories are like moon landings. They're all fake"

"Conspiracy Theorist: A person who doesn't watch as much TV as you do"

"Conspiracy Theorist: A person who researches a subject and then uses logic..."

"Conspiracy theorist: A term to discredit those who have seen through the bullshit"

"Conspiracy Theorist: Nothing more than a derogatory title used to dismiss a critical thinker"

"Conspiracy Theorist: Someone who questions the statements of known liars"

Conspiracy Theorist Starter Pack (a brain)

"Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they've been planted by a secret organization"

"Conspiracy theorists are just people capable of pattern recognition"

"Conspiracy theorists, otherwise known as people capable of pattern recognition"

Conspiracy Theory

Conspiranoid (conspiracy + paranoid)

Conspiratainment (conspiracy + entertainment)

Conspiratard (conspiracy + retard)

Conspiravirus (conspiracy + coronavirus)

Conspirazoid (conspiracy + schizoid)

Constant Bull Shit (CBS nickname)

Constitutional Carry

"Consulting: If you're not part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem"

"Consumers are statistics; customers are people"

"CONTAGIOUS in a sentence: it will take the CONTAGIOUS to finish painting her house with a brush"

"Contaminated cheese is kept in solid dairy confinement"

Contango

Contextual Zoning

"Continental breakfast implies the existence of incontinental breakfast"

"Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates"

Contingent Convertible (CoCo)

Control Oppress Victimize Isolate Divide (COVID backronym)

"Control the controllables" (business adage)

Controlavirus (control + coronavirus)

Controllavirus (control + coronavirus)

Conundrum Supper

Convention City (New Orleans nickname)

Conventional Wisdom

"Conversation is a two-way street" (adage)

Conveyor Belt of Wall Street (Wharton School nickname)

Convict Alley (Lexington Avenue, between 119th and 126th streets)

Convid (con + COVID-19)

CovidCon

Cook-Off (Cookoff)

"Cooked food smells great, but if a person smells like cooked food they don't smell great"

"Cooked to perfection" ("seasoned to perfection," "grilled to perfection")

"Cookie dough is the sushi of desserts"

Cookies and Cream (Cookies 'n Cream; Cookies 'n Creme)

Cookies and Privacy Policies for BarryPopik.com

"Cooking is an art, baking is a science"

"Cooking is like golf. You slice it, chip it, and put it on some greens"

"Cooking is like golf. You slice it, chip it, and put it on some greens"

"Cooking is love made visible"

"Cooking Rule: If at first you don't succeed, order pizza"

"Cooking shows and vlogs never show the part where they have to clean up all the pots and pans"

"Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out"

"Cool beans" (slang)

Coonass (Coon-ass)

Cooperstown: Birthplace of Baseball (nickname)

Coors Field East or Coors East (New Yankee Stadium nickname)

Coosie (or Cocinero)

Cooter Brown ("as drunk as Cooter Brown")

Cop ("copper" badge myth)

Cop Killa Queenz (Queens)

"Cop: You're going to prison for forgery. Me (slides him a 37 dollar bill): What about now?"

"Copacabana (At the Copa)" (1978)

Copaganda (cop + propaganda)

"Copper is the only commodity with a Ph.D. in economics" (Wall Street adage)

"Copper wire was invented by two Jews/ Scots/ Irish/ Dutch/ lawyers fighting over the same penny"

Copperhead (Civil War nickname)

"Cops are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog"

"Cops can't take your drugs if you take them first"

"Core elation is not causation" (joke)

Cork

Corkage (Corkage Fee; Corkage Money)

Corking (bicycle-caused gridlock)

"Corks are for quitters"

Corn Chip (Fritos)

Corn Dog (or Corndog or Corny Dog)

Corn Dog Shrimp (Corndog Shrimp)

"Corn dogs are just meat lollipops"

"Corn dogs are just meat popsicles"

"Corn dogs are just meat Twinkies"

"Corn dogs imply the existence of corn cats"

"Corn is a speedometer for your digestive system"

"Corn is just reverse pomegranate"

"Corn is the tracer bullet of the digestive system"

"Corn makes whiskey. Wheat makes beer. Grapes make wine. Potatoes make vodka..."

Corn Night (October 30th)

"Corn on the cob is just ribs for vegetarians"

"Cornbread ain't done in the middle" (stupid)

"Corndogs imply the existence of corncats"

Corned Beef and Cabbage (Jiggs dinner)

"Corner stores really watch kids grow from soda & chips to blunts & alcohol"

"Corner stores really watch kids grow from soda & chips to condoms & alcohol"

"Cornerbacks need short memories" (football adage)

Cornicione (end crust of a pizza)

Corning: Crystal City (nickname)

Cornteen (quarantine)

Corona Disinformation Center (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

"Corona is an anagram of racoon" (raccoon, as in Resident Evil's Raccoon City)

"Corona virus explained in craft terms: You and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter"

Coronacoinage (coronavirus + coinage)

Coronadult (coronavirus + adult)

Coronadulting (coronavirus + adulting)

Coronagate (coronavirus + -gate)

Coronageddon (coronavirus + Armageddon)

Coronapocalypse (coronavirus + apocalypse)

Coronatarian (coronavirus + authoritarian)

Coronatarian (coronavirus + vegetarian)

"Coronavirus & allergy season: I don’t know if I should buy Zyrtec or turn myself in to the CDC"

"Coronavirus be canceling everything but my bills"

Coronavirus Disinformation Center (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

"Coronavirus is a poor man's virus"

"Coronavirus is a poor person’s virus"

"Coronavirus is canceling everything but my bills"

"Coronavirus is like pasta. Made by Chinese. Spread by Italians. Supersized by Americans"

"Coronavirus is to be re-named the Schrodinger Virus" (joke)

"Coronavirus must come from the Corunna region of Indiana, otherwise it's just sparkling Covid-19"

"Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub. What a bunch of sick fucks"

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 1

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 2

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 3

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 4

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 5

"Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Coronawirus or Corona Wirus (variant pronunciation of “coronavirus")

Coronial (someone conceived during the time of the coronavirus)

Corpitoz (Corpus Christi nickname)

Corporat or CorpoRat (corporate/corporation + rat)

Corporate Challenge

Corporate Comedian

Corporate News Network (CNN nickname)

"Corporations are not people. Money is not free speech"

Corporatocracy (corporation + democracy)

Corpse (unintended and uncontrolled laughter on stage)

Corpus Christian (inhabitant of Corpus Christi)

Corruptican or Corrupticon

Corrupticut (corrupt + Connecticut)

Corruptocrat (corrupt bureaucrat); Corruptocracy

Corsicanan (inhabitant of Corsicana)

Cortland: Crown City (nickname)

Corzined

Cosmic Cowboy (cocktail and song)

Cosmopolitan (cocktail)

Cosmoquila (cocktail)

Cosmos (professional soccer team, 1971-1985)

"Cost an arm and a leg" (at a great cost; expensive)

Cost of Living

"Cottage cheese implies the existence of cabin cheese"

"Cottage cheese implies shanty, apartment, condo & mansion cheese exist"

"Cottage cheese implies the existence of bungalow cheese"

"Cottage cheese implies the existence of mansion cheese"

"Cottage cheese implies the existence of other building themed cheeses"

"Cottage cheese implies the existence of skyscraper cheese"

Cottage Fries (Cottage Fried Potatoes)

Cotton Belt Route (Cottonbelt Trail)

Cotton Candy (Candy Floss; Fairy Floss)

"Cotton candy -- like eating a clown's ghost"

Cotton-Eyed Joe (Cotton-Eye Joe)

Cotton-pickin' Minute (Cotton-picking Minute)

Cottonest City in the World (Lubbock slogan)

COTUS (Cat Of The United States)

COTUS (Constitution Of The United States)

"Coughing in public is the new speaking Arabic at airports"

"Coughs and sneezes spread diseases"

"Could anyone give me a fern? (Asking for a frond)"

"Could Blazing Saddles be made today? No. It’s hard to make a film in a day"

"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy"

"Could you toast some bread?"/(raises wine glass) "Here's to bread!"

"Couldn't believe dad stole from his road worker job. But when I got home, all the signs were there"

"Count that day won when, turning on its axis, this earth imposes no additional taxes"

"Count the memories, not the calories"

"Count your blessings instead of your crosses" (Thanksgiving poem)

"Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms"

Countdown City or 210 (San Antonio nickname)

Counterfeit Alley (Canal Street & Midtown Manhattan)

Counterfeit News Network (CNN nickname)

Counterfeit Triangle (Canal Street area)

Counterfeitess

Countermoonbat

"Counting past 39 is not my forte"

"Counting past thirty-nine is not my forte"

"Countries don't go bust"

"Country as cornbread" ("Country as corn bread")

"Country as cornflakes" ("Country as corn flakes")

Country Club Precinct (Police Precincts #100 and #112 in Queens)

Country Club Republican (Country Club Conservative)

"Country music is just farm emo"

"Country music is just land shanties"

County Attorney or District Attorney (son-of-a-gun stew)

"Couples have Valentine's Day. Singles have Palm Sunday"

"Courage doesn't mean you don't get afraid. Courage means you don't let fear stop you"

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers"

"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same"

"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death"

"Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount"

Court of Public Opinion

"Courtesy Counts: Manners Make a Better Ride" (bus and subway slogan)

Courtesy - Professionalism - Respect (CPR)

"Courtesy, Service, Protection" (Texas Department of Public Safety motto)

Cousin Sally Ann (Confederate States of America)

Coveard (COVID-19/coronavirus + beard)

Covenant House and Nineline (800-999-9999)

Cover Jinx

Covert Operation Via Infectious Disease (COVID-19 backronym)

Covert Operation Viral Infectious Disease (COVID-19 backronym)

"COVID-19, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Covid Clown World

Covid Death Cult (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Covid Disinformation Center (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Covid Gate (COVID-19 + -gate)

"Covid has been found circulating on Norwegian currency. It's the Kroner virus"

"COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC. What DIVOC is going on?"

"Covid19 Facts: The virus can travel 6'. It cannot travel 6'1" or more..." (joke)

"COVID-19 hit during allergy season. I can't tell if I have 5 days to live or need to take Claritin"

"Covid-19 is like eating raw cookie dough... We know the risk. now let us live our lives"

"Covid-19. It started as a virus and has mutated into an IQ test"

"Covid 19 should be re-named the ‘Common Core Virus’ because shit just ain't adding up"

"Covid-19 should be renamed COTTON EYE JOE (where did it come from, where did it go)"

"COVID-19 & the flu are like Superman & Clark Kent. You never see them in the same room..."

COVID-1984 (COVID-19 + Nineteen Eighty-Four)

COVID-911 (COVID-19 + 9/11)

Covidian (Covid + -ian)

Covidification

Covidiocracy (COVID-19 + idiocracy)

Covidiot (COVID-19 + idiot)

Covidiotic (COVID-19 + idiotic)

"Cow meat is Beef, pig meat is Pork, deer meat is Venison, but chicken meat is Chicken"

"Cow milk is for baby cows. Human milk is for baby humans. Almond milk is for baby almonds"

Cow Patty Bingo (Cow Chip Bingo; Cowpie Bingo; Bovine Bingo: Bossy Bingo; Fertilizer Lottery)

"Cowards never start; the weak never finish; winners never quit"

Cowboy Beans

Cowboy Bloody Mary (cocktail)

Cowboy Boots

Cowboy Cadillac (pickup truck or other open-back vehicle)

Cowboy Capital of the World (Bandera)

Cowboy Caviar (bean dip)

Cowboy Christmas (July rodeo season)

Cowboy Cocktail (whiskey)

Cowboy Coffee

Cowboy Cookies (Laura Bush's Governor's Mansion Cowboy Cookies)

Cowboy Cool

Cowboy Cut (Cowboy Ribeye Steak; Cowboy Rib Steak)

Cowboy Cut (jeans)

Cowboy NASCAR (chuck wagon races)

Cowboy (or Cow Boy)

Cowboy Philosopher

Cowboy Roux (Water Roux)

"Cowboy Up"

Cowboy Way (cowboy tradition; Dallas Cowboys tradition)

Cowboys and Culture (Fort Worth slogan)

"Cowboys can never be accountants because all they do is round up"

Cowboys Cathedral or Cathedral of Football (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Cowboys Classic (college football game)

"Cowboys don’t roll joints. They tumble weed"

"Cowboys don't take baths -- they just dust off"

"Cowboys go 'yee haw' and ninjas go 'hee yaw'"

"Cowboys: Scrape shit from boots before entering" (sign)

Cowboy's Ten Commandments (Cross Trails Church, Fairlie, TX)

Cowgirl (or Cow Girl)

Cowgirls (Dallas Cowboys nickname)

"Cowgirls Rule" (from earlier "Girls Rule, Boys Drool")

"Coworker: Why do you call everyone 'fucker'? Me: It's gender neutral."

"Co-workers are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright"

Cowpoke (or Cow Poke)

Cowpuncher (or Cow Puncher)

"Cows eat grass. Therefore, steak is plant-based meat"

Cowtown (Fort Worth nickname)

Cowtown Wolf Turds (bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños)

Coyotas

Coyote Tail (tortilla-wrapped deep-fried hot dog)

Coyotes ("wolves of the border" immigration smugglers)

"CPR is just the human version of blowing into a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again"

CRAAPL (crap + Apple Inc. or AAPL)

Crab Crunch (River Project of Hudson River Foundation)

Crab Imperial

Crab Rangoon

Crabmeat Dewey or Crab Meat Dewey (Crab Meat a la Dewey)

Crabmeat Remick (Crab Meat Remick)

Crack Hill (Park Hill, Staten Island)

Crack Is Wack

Crack Pie

Crackberry (Pinkberry nickname)

"Cracked windows are a pane in the glass"

Cracker Barrel (Cracker Barrel Philosopher/Philosophy)

Cracker Barrel Humor

Cracker Barrel Humorist

Cracker Barrel Philosopher

Cracker Barrel Philosophy

Cracker Jack (Crackerjack)

"Crackers are just bread jerky"

Cradle of Texas Independence (San Augustine nickname)

Cradle of Texas Liberty (Alamo/San Antonio nickname)

CRAFT Disease or CRAFT Moment (Can't Remember A Fucking Thing)

Cragel (croissant + bagel)

"Cranberry juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol but it’s too shy"

"Cranberry juice tastes like it doesn't wanna be wet"

"Cranberry juice tastes like it doesn’t want to be wet"

"Cranberry juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol but it’s too shy"

"Crank up that A.C. till it's blowing snowballs" (very hot)

Crap Metro (Cap Metro nickname)

Crap Not News (CNN nickname)

Crap Sandwich

CrapChute (BitChute nickname)

Crapco (Costco nickname)

Crapital One (Capital One nickname)

Crapitalism (crap + capitalism); Crapitalist (crap + capitalist)

Crapper Barrel (Cracker Barrel nickname)

Crapplebee's (Applebee's nickname)

Crappuccino (crap + cappuccino)

Craptopia (crap + utopia)

Crapweasel (Crap Weasel)

"Crash for cash" (auto insurance fraud)

Crashiversary (crash + anniversary)

"Crawdaddy implies the existence of a crawmommy"

"Crawdads imply the existence of crawmoms"

Crawfish Capital of Texas (Mauriceville nickname)

Crawfish Taco

Crawfish Town (New Orleans nickname)

Crawl and Stall (Stall and Crawl)

Crawmom (crawdad + mom; a female crayfish)

"Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All the colors taste the same"

"Crazy as a peach orchard boar" ("Madder than a peach orchard boar")

Crazy Basketball Association (Continental Basketball Association or CBA nickname)

"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog"

"Crazy fact #274: Eating 3 pizzas a day is more healthy for you than being dead"

Crazy Milkshake

Crazy Rasberry Ant (Rasberry Ant; Crazy Ant; Caribbean Crazy Ant)

"Crazy times we are living in. I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough"

"Cream cheese is a poor man's brie"

Cream City (Milwaukee nickname)

Cream Gravy

Cream Soda

"Cream soup is just a warm vegetable smoothie"

"Creamy peanut butter implies the existence of squirty peanut butter"

"Create! Don't hate" ("Don't hate. Create")

"Creationists don't believe in science. They think 'The Flintstones' is a documentary"

"Creativity is intelligence having fun"

"Creativity is the residue of time wasted" (Einstein?)

"Credit anticipates and equity confirms"

Creditopia (credit + utopia)

Creepers & Infiltrators (urban explorers)

Creepocrat (Creep-o-crat)

Creepublican (creep + Republican)

"Cremation: my last chance to have a smokin' hot body"

"Crème brûlée is just French flan"

Crème Brûlée on a Stick (toasted marshmallows or Peeps)

Creole City (New Orleans nickname)

Crepesadilla (crepe + quesadilla)

Crescent City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

Crescent City (New Orleans nickname)

Crescent News Network (CNN nickname)

Crew Gardens (Kew Gardens)

"Cricket is a batsman's game"

"Cricket is a game of glorious uncertainties"

"Cricket is an uncertain game"

"Cricket is basically baseball on Valium"

Crickets or Crickets Chirping (silence)

"Crime does not pay...as well as politics"

Crime Heights (Crown Heights, Brooklyn)

"Crime in multi-story car parks is wrong on so many levels"

"Crime in New York is really serious. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up"

"Crime in New York is really serious. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up"

Crime Square or Crimes Square (crime + Times Square)

Crime Stoppers (577-TIPS); 267-RAPE; 374-DRUG; NYC-SAFE; COP-SHOT & more

"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it"

Crimerica (crime + America; Primerica nickname)

"Crimes conceived in hell don't have angels as witnesses"

CRIMEX (COMEX nickname)

Criminal Disinformation Center (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Criminal Front Group Media Matters (Media Matters nickname)

"Criminal Law: See bad people at their best; Family Law: See good people at their worst"

Criminal News Network (CNN nickname)

Criminal On Patrol ("cop" backronym)

Criminal Reserve (Federal Reserve nickname)

Criminalgo (criminal + algo)

"Criminalized Onions" ("caramelized" mistake)

Criminally Negligent News (CNN nickname)

"Criminals obey 'gun control' laws in the same manner politicians follow their oaths of office"

"Criminals obey gun laws like politicians follow their oath of office"

"Criminals obey gun laws like politicians follow their oaths of office"

"Criminals obey gun laws like politicians keep promises"

"Criminals obey gun laws like politicians obey their oath of offfice"

"Criminals obey gun laws like politicians obey their oaths of office"

Crisis Commodity (gold)

Criss-Cross Applesauce

"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem"

"Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise"

Croak and Choke (insurance)

Crockettite (inhabitant of Crockett)

Croffle (croissant + waffle)

Crogel (croissant + bagel)

"Croissants are just biscuits that studied abroad"

Cromnibus (continuing resolution + omnibus)

Cronut (croissant + doughnut)

Crony Capitalism

Crookie (croissant + cookie)

Crooklyn

Crooks In Action (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Croque Monsieur (Croque Madame)

"Croquet is a wonderful game if you've got the balls for it"

"Croquettes are just very fancy nuggets"

"Croquettes are just nuggets that went to France"

"Croquettes are the adult chicken nuggets"

"Croquettes are the French word for chicken nuggets"

Cross at the green, not in between

Cross-Roads of the World

Crossing Guard

Crossword Puzzle

Croton cocktail, highball (Croton Aqueduct water)

Croutoff (crouton + off)

"Croutons are just big bread crumbs"

"Crouton. ???????? ???????? Croutoff. ???????? ???????? Crouton. Croutoff. The Salad"

"Croutons are just bread jerky"

"Croutons are just mini garlic bread"

"Croutons are just mini garlic breads"

"Croutons are just stale garlic bread"

"Croutons are the Lucky Charms marshmallows of salad"

"Croutons imply the existence of croutoffs"

"Croutons in salad are the adult version of marshmallows in Lucky Charms"

Crowded Trade

"Crowded with happy patrons, a dangling modifier walks into a bar" (bar joke)

Crowler (can + growler)

Crown Heightser (inhabitant of Crown Heights, Brooklyn)

Crown Jewel of Park Slope (Montauk Club)

Crown Jewel of Socialism (government-run healthcare)

Crown Jewel of the Bronx (New York Botanical Garden)

Crown Jewel of Wall Street (40 Wall Street)

Crozel (croissant + pretzel)

CRS Disease (Can't Remember Shit)

Cruffin (croissant + muffin)

Crumb-bum

Crumblin' (Crumble-In)

Crumbs Along the Mohawk (ice cream flavor)

Crumbtard (crumb + retard)

"Crunchy peanut butter is just peanut butter with pulp"

Crunkcake (crunk/drunk + cupcake)

"Crushed ice is just pulp for water"

"Crusher to rusher to usher" (hockey adage)

Crushtomer (crush + customer)

"Crust is bread armor"

"Cry calf rope" (or "Holler calf rope" or "Yell calf rope")

"Cry me a river. Build a bridge. Get over it"

Cryanair or Cryinair or CryingAir (Ryanair nickname)

Cryboys (Dallas Cowboys nickname)

Crybully (crybaby + bully)

Cryinair or Cryanair or CryingAir (Ryanair nickname)

"Crying all the way to the bank" ("Laughing all the way to the bank")

CryingAir or Cryanair or Cryinair (Ryanair nickname)

Cryptocalypse or Cryptopocalypse (crypto + apocalypse)

Crystal District

CSR (Complete Symphonic Recording)

CTFK (Catch The Falling Knife)

"Ctrl + Alt + Delete my belly fat"

"CTRL + ALT + DEL. Control yourself. Alter your thinking. Delete negativity"

Cuban Hamburger (Frita)

Cuban Sandwich; Medianoche Sandwich

Cube Steak

"Cubicle sweet cubicle"

Cuchifrito

Cuckservative (cuckolded + conservative)

"Cucumber is the watermelon of the vegetable world"

"Cucumbers are just baby watermelons"

"Cucumbers are just crunchy water"

"Cucumbers are just diet watermelons"

"Cucumbers are just savory watermelons"

"Cucumbers are just savoury watermelons"

"Cucumbers are just tasteless watermelons"

"Cucumbers are just unsweetened watermelons"

"Cucumbers are the watermelons of vegetables"

Cuernos (Mexican horn-shaped pastries)

Culinary Alley

Culinology (culinary + technology)

"Cultivated mind is the guardian genius of Democracy" (Mirabeau B. Lamar; UT motto)

Cultural Marxist Media (CMM)

"Culture eats strategy for breakfast"

CultureFest

CUNY (City University of New York)

Cuomo Chips (chips that allow bars to stay open under NY Gov. Cuomo)

Cuomo Nepotism Network (CNN nickname)

Cuomo Nepotism Network (CNN nickname)

Cuomo News Network (CNN nickname)

Cuomo News Network (CNN nickname)

Cup Cake (Cupcake)

"Cup of Fuckoffee: 1 splash of no one cares. A dash of kiss my ass. Add some fuck yous"

"Cup of tea" (a preference)

"Cup of tea" (a preference; frequently said of the tea party)

"Cup one is so I can get stuff done. Cup two is so I will be nice to you. Cup three is all for me"

Cupcakery (cupcake + bakery)

"Cupcakes are just frosted muffins"

"Cupcakes are just muffins that found the right Instagram filter"

"Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles"

Cupset (World Cup + upset)

Cuptail (cupcake + cocktail)

Curate's Assistant (muffin/cake stand)

Curb Exchange

"Curb Your Dog" and Pooper Scooper Law (1978)

Curbstone Broker

"Curls for the girls" (weightlifting saying)

Curly Fries (Curly French Fries; Suzy-Q Potatoes)

"Curly fries imply the existence of Moe and Larry fries"

"Curly fries should be called 'rotatoes'"

Currency of Last Resort (gold nickname)

"Currently standing in front of my pantry eating a 'temporary' snack..."

"Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. In it for the long hall"

Curry Hill (curry + Murray Hill)

"Curry OK?"/"Sorry, I hate singing in public." (karaoke joke)

"Curry OK?"/"Sorry, I hate singing in public." (karaoke joke)

"Curry OK?"/"Sorry, I hate singing in public." (karaoke joke)

Curse of the Bambino

"Cursing: There is only one bad word, taxes. Any other word that is good enough for sailors..."

"Cursing: There's only one bad word: taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors..."

Curtain Call

Curtido (Salvadoran Cabbage Salad)

"Customer: I have a question about my account. Teller: Withdrawal?" (joke)

"Customer Service: How does your name appear on your credit card?" (joke)

"Customer service is not a department, it’s an attitude"

"Cut a newsman and he bleeds ink"

"Cut-off low, weatherman's woe"

"Cut the mustard"

"Cut thin to win" (card-cutter's axiom)

"Cut up like boarding house pie" (many small pieces)

"Cut war, not welfare"

"Cut your losses and let your profits run" (Wall Street proverb)

Cutchogue: "Sunniest Place in New York State" (slogan)

CutGo (cut-as-you-go)

Cutlery, Pokelery, Scooplery (knives, forks, spoons)

Cutlery, Stablery, Scooplery (knives, forks, spoons)

"Cuts for the sluts" (weightlifting saying)

"Cyber Monday -- The one time a year that people look forward to Monday mornings"

Cyclones (Brooklyn baseball team)

Cycologist (someone who rides or repairs bicycles)

Cycologist (spinning instructor)

Cycology (study of bicycles)

Cyprus Virus

Cyprused or Cyprussed (to have bank accounts taken)

Czechxas (Czech + Texas)

Czexit (Czech Republic + exit)

D-fence ("defense" sign)

D-Town (Dallas nickname)

Dachshund Sausage

"Dad, a boy at school called me gay!" (joke)

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"/"Yes, we arson."

"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?"/"No, son, it wouldn't be right."

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"/"No sun."

"Dad used to say 'the sky's the limit.' Which is probably why he got fired from NASA"

"Dad, what are clouds made of?"/"Linux servers, mostly."

"Dad, what's a forklift?"/"Food, usually."

"Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a feminist"

Dadvertising (dad + advertising)

Daffodil Capital of Texas (Round Rock nickname)

D'Ag Fresh Market (D'Agostino)

Dagwood Sandwich

Daily BS (Daily Beast nickname)

Daily Crapper (Daily Caller nickname)

Daily Fail (Daily Mail nickname)

Daily Kooks (Daily Kos nickname)

Daily Least (Daily Beast nickname)

New York Daily Snooze (New York Daily News nickname)

"Dairy is scary"

Dakota

Dallas County Jail Chili (Texas Prison Chili)

Dallas Crimes Herald (Dallas Times Herald nickname)

Dallas Morning Snooze (Dallas Morning News nickname)

Dallas Palace

Dallas Phallus/ Ball/ Golf Ball/ Microphone/ Dandelion/ Circle Tower (Reunion Tower nickname)

Dallas Star (cocktail)

Dallas (summary)

Dallasite (inhabitant of Dallas)

Dallasonian (inhabitant of Dallas)

Dallass (Dallas nickname)

Dallitude or Dallatude (Dallas attitude)

"Damn girl, are you a cop? Because you just took my breath away"

"Damn girl, are you a fire alarm? Because you're really loud and annoying"

"Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every day"

"Damn girl, are you a piñata? Cause imma need a blindfold before I hit that"

"Damn girl, are you a Reddit user?" (joke)

"Damn girl, are you a smoke detector?" (joke)

"Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because I want you to stay away from me"

"Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you make me sick" (pickup line)

"Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you spread fast and you're nasty"

"Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re all I’m thinking about" (pickup line)

"Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because I want to flatten your curves" (pickup line)

"Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you take my breath away" (pickup line)

"Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you’re killing me" (pickup line)

"Damn girl, are you COVID-19?"/"Let me guess. Did I take your breath away?"

"Damn girl, are you my report card? Because my parents would be disgusted if they saw you"

"Damn girl, are you the Coronavirus? Because I’m sick of hearing about you"

"Damn, this year went by so fast I didn't get a chance to lose weight"

Damnocracy (damn + democracy); Damnocrat (damn + Democrat)

Damon Runyon (who never used "Big Apple")

"Damp hands make smooth balls" (food adage)

Dan Dan Mian (Dan Dan Noodles)

"Dance enables you to find yourself and lose yourself at the same time"

"Dance is a series of three-minute romances" ("three-minute love affair")

"Dance like no one is watching. Because they are not. They're checking their phones"

"Dance like no one is watching. Because they are not. They're checking their phones"

"Dance like no one is watching, but text, post and email like it will be read in court one day"

"Dance like nobody's watching. Drink like you don't have to work tomorrow"

"Dance like nobody's watching. Drink on Sundays like you don't have to go to work in the morning"

"Dance like your vagina is on fire"

"Dance with the one who brung you" (Darrell Royal)

"Dancers count 5-6-7-8 because musicians took 1-2-3-4"

"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play"

"Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire"

"Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired"

"DANGER: Avoid serious injury. Don't tell me how to do my job"

Danger Dog (Tijuana Hot Dog; Tijuana Dog; Mexican Hot Dog; Bacon Dog)

"DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Fucktards" (safety sign)

"DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Fuckwits" (safety sign)

"DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Idiots" (safety sign)

"DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Morons" (safety sign)

"Danger: You are being conditioned to view your freedom as selfish"

Dango (Japanese sweet dumpling on a stick)

Danish Pastry

Dapanji or Da Pan Ji (Big Plate Chicken)

"Dark chocolate is at least 60% coco beans therefore it's a vegetable"

Dark Horse

Dark Horse Car

Dark Inventory

Dark Kitchen

"'Dark matter' which holds reality together finally identified as coffee"

Dark Money (political contributions from unrevealed sources)

Dark 'N' Stormy (cocktail)

Dark 'N' Stormy (ice cream float)

Dark Store

Dark Thirty (Zero Dark Thirty; Oh Dark Thirty; 0 Dark 30; 0 Dark 100)

Dark Zone (area without electrical power)

Darth Vader Building (Family Court)

Dash to Trash

Dawn Raid

Day 1 -- Sunday

Day 2 -- Monday

"Day 27: The garbage man stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin"

Day 3 -- Tuesday

"Day 35 of quarantine; Can you blink a little more quietly please?"

Day 4 -- Wednesday

"Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat"

"Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little shits called in a bomb threat"

Day 5 -- Thursday

Day 6 -- Friday

"Day 6 of quarantine. Preparing to take out the garbage. So excited can't decide what to wear"

"Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, 'See? This is why I chew the furniture'"

Day 7 -- Saturday

"Day school tuition is the best form of birth control" (joke)

"Daylight didn't ask to be saved. Daylight didn't want to be saved"

"Days are now divided by coffee hours and alcohol hours"

"Days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today & nextday"

DBAG or D-Bag (Deutsche Bank AG nickname)

De-Portland (Portland nickname)

Dead Cat Bounce

Dead End Kids

Dead Hook (Red Hook)

Dead Line

Dead Man's Curve

Dead Man's Hand

Dead Meat (to be a loser or in serious trouble)

Dead Parrot Economy

Dead President (paper money)

Dead Tree Edition

Dead Tree Media

"Dead voters vote Democrat"

Deadbeat (Dead Beat)

Deadbeat (someone who pays a credit balance in full and on time)

Deadhead

"Deadlines spur action" (business adage)

Deadpan (Dead-pan)

Deadstream Media (Dead Stream Media)

"Deal with the devil if the devil has a constituency -- and don't complain about the heat"

"Dear account balance: Wingardium Leviosa"

"Dear animals, I'm sorry it took me so long"

"Dear Apple, No one uses the word 'ducking,' absolutely no one"

"Dear Autocorrect, No one uses the word 'ducking,' absolutely no one"

"Dear Bartender, don’t be offended if we ask ’Is there any liquor in this drink?’"

"Dear cancel culture, Aim higher, go for the IRS"

"Dear cancel culture, Dream bigger, aim higher. ATF, IRS, Federal Reserve"

"Dear Coca-Cola Company: No more new flavors. Either add the cocaine back, or leave it alone"

Dear Colleague Letter

"Dear Dairy: Today I failed another spelling test"

"Dear Diamond, We all know who is really a girl's best friend. Yours sincerely, Chocolate Cake"

"Dear everyone, upset, bored, angry or hungry -- I'm here for you. Sincerely, fridge"

"Dear Facebook! Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don't like them"

"Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat"

"Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed"

"Dear God, thank you for these noodles. Ramen"

"Dear homework, you're not attractive and I'm not doing you"

"Dear IRS tax refund, What's the address? I'll come get it myself"

"Dear King Philip Came Over For Good Soup" (taxonomy mnemonic)

"Dear King Philip Came Over For Good Spaghetti" (taxonomy mnemonic)

Dear Leader

"Dear liver, it's Friday. Sorry, little buddy"

"Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles. Ramen"

"Dear Math, Please grow up and solve your own problems. Sincerely, Students"

"Dear Monday, Go step on a Lego"

"Dear Monday, I want to break up. I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday"

"Dear Mother Nature: Having received my free sample of winter I would like to cancel..."

"Dear New Year’s Resolution, Well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, January 2nd"

"Dear New Year’s Resolutions, Well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, January 2nd"

"Dear non essentials that recently started going back to work....hit the gas, we drive fast now"

"Dear Plexiglass; Thank you for protecting me from the masked cashier that just touched everything"

"Dear Pringles, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness"

"Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than five songs in the world, right?"

"Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than five songs in the world? Sincerely, iPod"

"Dear Rioters. IRS Building. Please and thank you"

"Dear Santa: All I want is my gross pay"

"Dear Santa, I was naughty and it was worth it. You fat judgemental bastard"

"Dear Santa, I was naughty and it was worth it. You fat judgmental bastard"

"Dear Science, when I suck in my tummy, where does the fat go and why doesn't it stay there?"

"Dear social media: Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don't like them"

"Dear Summer, stop showing off. We get it. You're hot"

"Dear sun, we know u a real one. You don't have to keep it 100 anymore"

"Dear Sun, we know you a real ass nigga, you aint gotta keep it 100 no mo..."

"Dear sun... We know you're a real one... You don't have to keep it 100 anymore!"

"Dear taco trucks, Please consider cruising the neighborhoods like ice cream trucks"

"Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter..."

"Dear Twitter: Please stop suggesting people I may know. I do know them. I don't like them"

"Dear Weather, stop showing off. We get it. You're hot"

"Dear Weatherman, When I said I'd like to see 105 again, I meant my weight"

"Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office -- I will track you down. You have my Word"

"Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office -- I will track you down. You have my Word"

Death Avenue; Slaughter on Tenth Avenue

"Death before decaf"

"Death begins in the colon"

Death Belt (death penalty states of the South)

Death by Chocolate

Death Drop or Deathdrop (dance move)

"Death eating a cracker"

"Death on toast"

Death Panel

"Death rides with the drinking driver"

Death Star (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Death Street (Houston Street)

Death Tax (estate tax)

Deathalator (death + ventilator)

Deather (death announcement skeptic)

Deathilator (death + ventilator)

Death's Thoroughfare (Mulberry Street)

Deathvax

Debbie Downer

Debt Man Walking

Debt-Serfdom

Debt Star (debt + death star)

Debtberg (debt + iceberg)

Debtcropper (debt + sharecropper)

Debtmageddon (debt + Armageddon)

Debtocracy (debt + democracy); Debtocrat (debt + bureaucrat/Democrat)

Debtoholic (debt + -oholic)

Debtpocalypse (debt + apocalypse)

Decaf (short of "decaffeinated")

"Decaf coffee is just dirty water"

"Decaf coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle"

"Decaf coffee? Would you like some orange free orange juice with that?"

"Decaf coffee? You mean brown sadness water?"

"Decaf is broken coffee"

"Decaf is faced backwards"

"Decaf only works if you throw it on people"

"Decaf? You mean broken coffee"

Decafate

"Decaffeinated coffee is just brown sadness water"

"Decaffeinated coffee is just dirty water"

"Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister"

"Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle"

"Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend"

Decafitation (decaf + decapitation)

"December 25th feels more like a deadline than a holiday"

Decepticrat (deception + Democrat)

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it"

"Decided to give all my money to Charity last night. The other strippers were a bit miffed"

"Deciding whether to buy gold or silver is an either ore situation"

"Decisions I need the government to make for me: [blank lines]"

"Deck the halls with matzo balls"

Decoration Day

Deep-Dish Pizza (Chicago-Style Pizza)

Deep-Fried Cookie Dough (Deep-Fried Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)

Deep Kimchi (deep trouble)

Deep Pockets ("short arms and deep pockets")

Deep State (state within a state)

"Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability"

Deepcession (deep + depression + recession)

Deer Capital of Texas (Llano nickname)

Deer Market

"Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat"

Defeatocrat (defeat + Democrat)

"Defense never slumps" (baseball adage)

"Defense travels well"

Defensive Back University or DBU (University of Texas Longhorns football team nickname)

Defensive Voting

"Defibrillators repulse me"

Deficit Day

"Defining deviancy down" (Daniel Patrick Moynihan)

"Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience"

"Definition of a Socialist: Someone who wants everything you have...except your job"

"Definition of obscene profits — something you always hear about but never experience yourself"

Deflationista

"Defund involuntary funding"

"Defund politicians"

"Defund the media" (#DefundtheMedia)

"Defund the politicians"

"Defund the thought police"

Degrowther

"Dehydration is not something to cry about"

"DEI is just a polite way to say Dumb Entitled Idiot"

"DEI or Diversity Equity Inclusion is just a polite way to say Dumb Entitled Idiot"

Deja Brew (déjà vu + brew)

"DeKalb Avenue, change here for the 'B' as in boy, the 'D' as in dog ..."

Del Rioan (inhabitant of Del Rio)

Delaware: Diamond State (nickname)

Delaware: Muskrat (nickname)

Delaware: "Square from Delaware" (slang)

Delaware: "What did Delaware?"/"Her New Jersey."

Delay-and-Pray

"Delay, deny, and hope that I die" (refrain about benefits claims)

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial"

"Delete the elite"

Delhi Belly (traveler's diarrhea)

Delicatessen Drive (Seventh Avenue between 53rd and 54th Streets)

Delicatessen Store ("Deli")

Deliciositicity or Deliciousiticity (form of "delicious")

"Deliciously Different" (Big Red soft drink slogan)

Delish (delicious)

Deliver Everyone's Luggage To Atlanta (Delta backronymic nickname)

Dellionaire (Dell computer millionaire)

Delmonico Potatoes

Delmonico Steak

Dem Bums (Brooklyn Dodgers)

DeMarxist (Democrat + Marxist)

"Dementia can lead to obesity. Especially if you keep forgetting you're on a diet"

Dementiacrat (dementia + Democrat)

Dementocrat (demented + Democrat)

Demobrat (Democrat + brat)

Democalypse (democracy + apocalypse)

Democide (demos/democracy + homicide)

"Democracy: because minorities are always wrong"

"DEMOCRACY Because you're outnumbered so fuck your individual rights"

"Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government"

"Democracy dies in darkness"

"Democracy dies in darkness" (Washington Post slogan)

"Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame"

"Democracy is just crowdfunded tyranny"

"Democracy is mob rule (but with income taxes)"

"Democracy is not a spectator sport"

"Democracy is the suggestion box for slaves"

"Democ­racy is the worst form of gov­ern­ment, except for all the oth­ers"

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch"

"Democracy is when people vote the way I tell them to"

"Democracy is when people vote the way I want them to"

"Democracy is when people who can't run their own life, run yours"

"Democracy is when people who can't run their own lives, ruin yours"

Democracy Plaza (NBC's Rockefeller Center election headquarters)

Democracy Wall (Carroll Street subway station, Carroll Gardens)

"Democracy, whiskey, sexy"

Democrap (Democrat + crap)

Democrat Night Live (Saturday Night Live or SNL nickname)

Democrat Party or Democratic Party (usage)

Democratic Donkey

"Democratic Socialism: Everyone votes for the state to forcibly take your money"

"Democrats: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people..."

"Democrats fall in love; Republicans fall in line"

"Democrats initiate, Republicans consolidate"

"Democrats vote on Tuesday, Republicans vote on Wednesday" (joke)

"Democrats will give you the shirt off my back"

Democrazy (democracy + crazy)

Democrook (Democrat + crook)

"Demography is destiny"

Demokraut (Democrat + Kraut)

Demolicious (demolition of Texas Stadium)

Demolitioncrat (demolition + Democrat)

Demon Pass (Deem and Pass)

Demoncrap (Democrat party nickname)

Demoncrat (Democrat party nickname)

Demonrat (Democrat party nickname)

Demopublican (Democrat + Republican)

Demorrhoids (Democrat + hemorrhoids)

Demosclerosis (democracy + sclerosis)

Demosthenes of Texas (Richard Bennett Hubbard, Jr.)

Demotard (Democrat + retard)

Dempression (Democrat + depression)

Demwit (Democrat + dimwit)

"Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The five stages of realizing you're out of wine"

"Denise" and "Denephew" (New York dialect joke)

Denisonian (inhabitant of Denison)

"Denny's is just Waffle House for people who can't fight"

"Denny’s is just Waffle House for people who don’t know how to fight. -- Friedrich Nietzsche"

"Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourself!"

"Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourselves!"

"Dentists are janitors for mouths"

Dentonite (inhabitant of Denton)

Department of Exaggeration (Department of Education nickname)

Department of Fatherland Security (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Homeland Insecurity (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Homeland Sabotage (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Homeland Stupidity (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Homeland Surveillance (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Homeless Insecurity (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Hopeless Security (Department of Homeland Security or DHS nickname)

Department of Paperwork

Department of Redundancy Department

Department of Social Justice (Department of Justice nickname)

Dependistan

"Deposed kings get throne away"

Depression Apple Sellers (1930s)

Depression Cake

"Depression is the toothpaste to the sweet orange juice that is life"

Depression Sandwich (hot dog)

"Depression -- When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you"

"Depresso: When you've run out of coffee"

"Depresso: when you've run out of coffee. Represso: when you refuse to talk about it"

Derby Daiquiri (and Derby Daiquiri Pie)

Debris (sandwich)

Derivatives Dealers' Club

"Descartes walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Describe yourself in three words."/"Lazy."

Designers' Row

Desk Appearance Ticket (DAT)

Deskfast (desk + breakfast)

"Desktops imply the existence of deskbottoms"

Desnuda (nude)

"Despite a valiant effort by my dog from our window, our neighbor has entered his own home"

"Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a church window cleaner"

"Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular"

"Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to a courthouse. It’ll be Trial by F

Dessertery (dessert + bakery/eatery)

"Desserts" is "stressed" spelled backward

Destination Bartender

Destination Restaurant

Destructocrat (destruction + Democrat)

Destructoporn

Detailee

Detroitification

Detroitocrat (Detroit + Democrat)

Develop Don't Destroy

"Developers, developers, developers"

Devil's Backbone

Devil's Food Cake

Devil's Lettuce (marijuana)

Devil's Metal (silver nickname)

Devil's Night or Devils' Night (October 30th)

Devil's Playhouse (Webster Hall)

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe (fictitious law/accounting/consulting firm)

Dewey, Huey and Louie (DHL Express backronymic nickname)

Dextrosphere (right blogosphere)

DFL (Dead Fucking Last)

Dhimmicrat (dhimmi + Democrat)

Dhimmirat or Dhimirat (dhimmi + rat/Democrat)

DIABLO (Democrat In All But Label Only)

Diamond District (Diamond & Jewelry Way)

Diamond Horseshoe (Metropolitan Opera House ring of seats; Billy Rose nightclub)

Diana (of Madison Square Garden)

Diaper District

"Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans"

"Diarrhoea Is A Really Runny Heap Of Endless Amounts" ("diorrhoea" backronym)

Dictocrat (dictator + bureaucrat)

"Did a load of pajamas so I would have clean work clothes this week"

"Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?"/"No, they had an apple."

"Did anyone ask cauliflower if it wanted to be all these things?"

"Did anyone laugh when you fell while skating?" (joke)

Did I Eat That ("diet" backronym)

"Did I invite you to my barbecue? No! Then why are you all up in my grill?"

"Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used PrayPal"

"Did my good deed for the day and gave up my seat for an elderly lady" (joke)

"Did Rudolph go to a regular school?"/"No, he was elf taught."

"Did the government’s credibility die OF Covid or WITH Covid?"

"Did the government's credibility die WITH Covid or FROM Covid?"

"Did the government's credibility die WITH Covid or OF Covid?"

"'Did u eat?' has to be one of the most romantic questions ever"

"Did we do it, did we save the daylight"

"Did you bring bread for the pigeons (in the park)?"/"No, I eat them without the bread."

"'Did you eat?' has to be one of the most romantic questions ever"

"Did you eat the leftovers I was saving in the fridge?"/"No, I ate them in the living room."

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"

"Did you ever notice that there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?"

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe coffee is addicted to ME?"

"Did you get a haircut?"/"No, I got them all cut."

"Did you hear about the boxing match between a rabbit and a hedgehog? The hedgehog won on points"

"Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were river dancing"

"Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage"

"Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped"

"Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped"

"Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit!"

"Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals"

"Did you hear about the barista who became really buff? She's been working on her French press"

"Did you hear about the barista who became really buff? She's been working on her French press"

"Did you hear about the bread maker who was into BDSM? He was gluten for punishment"

"Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested for grilling his suspects?"

"Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested for grilling his suspects?"

"Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job? He got hammered"

"Did you hear about the carpenter who drank too many screwdrivers? He got hammered"

"Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the Olympics? It fell at the final curdle"

"Did you hear about the coin shortage? Apparently, America is literally out of common cents"

"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil"

"Did you hear about the dancer's birthday? It was a tappy one!"

"Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?" (joke)

"Did you hear about the farmer who made gloves out of herbs? He had way too much thyme on his hands"

"Did you hear about the funeral home that closed? Apparently business was dead"

"Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage"

"Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K now"

"Did you hear about the guy who evaporated? He’ll be mist!"

"Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale"

"Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in Apple? He was in cider trading"

"Did you hear about the haunted health food store? Everything is super-natural"

"Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn distance relationship"

"Did you hear about the Italian chef? He pasta way"

"Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality"

"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He's awake now"

"Did you hear about the lobster that got the job at Pizza Hut? He works in the crust station"

"Did you hear about the man who wanted to sound Irish? He decided to go for brogue!"

"Did you hear about the man who evaporated? He will be mist"

"Did you hear about the man who invented Polos? They say he made a mint"

"Did you hear about the man who invented Life Savers? He made a mint"

"Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide"

"Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?" (joke)

"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives"

"Did you hear about the musician who skipped a bar of silence? He was resisting a rest"

"Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook? '101 Ways to Wok Your Dog'"

"Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire? It's for foul balls"

"Did you hear about the new low-fat religion? 'I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha'"

"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere!"

"Did you hear about the Pokémon that has Covid-19? It was Koffing"

"Did you hear about the Polish helicopter crash? The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan"

"Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?" (joke)

"Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally"

"Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore"

"Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? They’re looking into replacing all the locks"

"Did you hear about the world's largest pickle? It's a really big dill!"

"Did you hear my last recital?"/"I hope so."

"Did you hear that joke about the butter?" (joke)

"Did you hear Spider-Man made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread? It was a Pita Parka"

"Did you hear the joke about the banana peel?"/"Sorry, it must have slipped my mind."

"Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?"/"It was legend dairy."

"Did you hear the story of the boy who spoke to legumes? Jack and the Beans Talk"

"Did you know 14 muscles are activated when opening a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion"

"Did you know 14 muscles are activated when you pour a cup of coffee? Fitness is my passion"

"Did you know about the Japanese sausage demon? The Pepper Oni"

"Did you know all fishermen are Marxists? Because the sea's the means of production"

"Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It's called the Apple-achian"

"Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?" (joke)

"Did you know that 10-60 minutes of yoga per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit?"

"Did you know that 2-3 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit?"

"Did you know that 2-3 shots of tequila per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit?"

"Did you know that 2-3 vodkas per day can reduce your risk of giving a damn?"

"Did you know that 2-3 vodkas per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit?"

"Did you know that 6 to 8 beers per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit?"

"Did you know that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA..."

"Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece"

"Did you know the Missouri Pacific Railroad is mentioned in the Bible?" (railroad joke)

"Did you see the arrows?"/"I didn't even see the Indians!" (one-way store aisle)

"Did you see the arrows?"/"I didn't even see the Indians!" (one-way street)

"Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener"

"Didn't do her any good, didn't do her any harm"

"Didn't mean to be rude, it's just the heat and my personality"

"Didn't support the troops -- saw a bumper sticker, now do"

Died Suddenly (#diedsuddenly)

"Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds"

"Diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience"

"Diet is a four-letter word"

"Diet is 'die' with a 'T'"

"Diet is 'die' with a 'tea'"

Diet Joke (Diet Coke nickname)

"Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories"

Diet Texas (Oklahoma nickname)

"Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first"

"Diet tip: Your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any"

"Diet without tea is just die"

"Dietary Fact: If you drink a gallon of water daily, you won't have time to be in anyone's business"

"Dieters live life in the fasting lane"

"Dieting is easy. It's like riding a bike. And the bike is on fire..."

"Dieting is not a piece of cake"

"Dieting is the penalty for living beyond your seams"

"Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter"

"Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad"

"Dieting is wishful shrinking"

"Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it"

"Difference between dead armadillo and dead lawyer in road? The armadillo has skid marks in front!"

"Different strokes for different folks"

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations"

"Dig a five-dollar hole for a fifty-cent plant" (gardening adage)

"Digestive biscuits imply the existence of indigestive biscuits"

"Digging tunnels is a boring job"

"Digital ID & Digital Currency is a prison for every man, woman & child upon the earth"

"Digital ID is not to identify yourself. Digital ID will track, limit & control every aspect..."

"Dignity is one thing that can't be preserved in alcohol"

"Dihydrogen monoxide is deliberately sprayed on organic crops"

Dijon Vu (dijon mustard + deja vu)

Dill Piccolo (dill pickle + piccolo)

"Dill Piccolo -- the wind instrument that plays only sour notes"

Dillicious (dill + delicious)

"Diluting bourbon with water makes it less bourbon. Subourbon, if you will"

Dim Sum

"Dim Sum implies the existence of Bright Difference"

"Dim sum implies the existence of dim min, max, and average"

Dimes Square (Canal and Division Streets, Chinatown)

Dimocrat (dim + Democrat)

Din-din (dinner)

Dine and Dash

"Diner: Do you have a bathroom? Waiter: No, we go outside."

"Diner: How long will my spaghetti be? Waiter: I don't know. We never measure it."

"Diner: I can't eat this! Call the manager! Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it, either.”

"Diner: Is soup on the menu? Waiter: No, I wiped it off."

"Diner: I've tasted fresher fish. Waiter: Not in here!" (Jewish joke)

"Diner: There's a button in my salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing."

"Diner: This coffee tastes like mud. Waiter: Well, it was ground this morning!"

"Diner: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No, they'll be round."

"Diner: Waiter, will my pizza be long? Waiter: No, sir, it will be round."

"Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table."

"Dining In A Rough Restaurant: Hurry, Otherwise Expect Accidents" ("diarrhoea" backronym)

Dining in the Dark (Dark Dining)

Dining Room Lumber (toothpick)

"Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off"

"Dinner is where the magic happens in the kitchen"

DINO (Democrat In Name Only)

Dinosaur Capital of Texas (Glen Rose nickname)

Dinosaur Media

Dinosaur Wine (oil)

"Dinosaurs had no beer. How did that work out?"

"Dinosaurs had no coffee. How did that work out?"

"Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out"

"Diploma: Remembrance of things passed"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"

"Diplomacy without force is like an orchestra without instruments"

"Directing is 90 percent casting" (theatre adage)

"Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating. Me: No."

"Dried grapes are my raisin d'être"

"Dirt and bling. It's a softball thing"

Dirt Bond

Dirt-poor

Dirt Tank

Dirty Bronx

Dirty Image (and illegal postering)

Dirty Rice (Cajun Rice)

Dirty SA (San Antonio nickname)

Dirty South

Dirty Sprite

Dirty Third (Dirty 3rd)

Dirty Thirty (30th Police Precinct nickname)

Dirty Water Dog

Dirty Yards (short runs in football)

"Driving by myself is so tiring cause I have to be the lead singer, back up singer, dancers..."

"[Driving] Wife: You missed a right. Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right."

"Disability is not inability" ("Disability does not mean inability")

"Disabled cookies? In my day, we called them broken biscuits"

Disappearance Ticket (desk appearance ticket)

"Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid"

Disappointee

"Disarming innocent people does not protect innocent people"

Disassociated Press (Associated Press nickname)

Disaster Divide

DisAster Place or DisAstor Place (Astor Place)

DisAster Place or DisAstor Place (Astor Place Opera House)

"Disasters don't discriminate"

"Discipline is doing what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, when we don't want to do it"

"Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most"

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment"

Disco Diva

Disco Fries (American version of "Poutine")

"Discover angry, mentally deranged strangers, you never knew existed, by simply expressing an opinion on Facebook"

"Discover angry, mentally deranged strangers, you never knew existed, by simply expressing an opinion on Social Media"

"Discover angry, mentally deranged strangers, you never knew existed, by simply expressing an opinion on Twitter"

"Discretionary goods -- things people don't need, paid for with money people don't have"

Disenfrenchfries (disenfranchise + french fries)

Disgracebook (disgrace + Facebook)

Dish Drain Jenga

Dish Pig (a person who washes dishes)

"Dishes! We meet again you dirty bastards"

Disinfowars (disinfo + InfoWars)

Disloyalty Card

"Dismay: to insult the fifth month"

"Disney World is like a huge people trap that is operated by a mouse"

Disneyland for Wall Street (Manhattan)

Disneyland of Dairy Stores (Stew Leonard's nickname)

Disrespectchup (disrespect + ketchup)

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism"

"Distilled water is just cooked water"

District of Confusion (Washington, D.C. nickname)

District of Corruption (Washington, D.C. nickname)

District of Criminals (Washington, D.C. nickname)

District of Cunts (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Distrust every enterprise that requires new clothes"

Ditcher, Quick & Hyde (fictitious divorce law firm)

Dittohead (Ditto Head)

Dive Bar (Dive)

"Divided by distance, united by memes"

Divorce Cake

"Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet"

Diworsification (diversification + worse)

"Dixie" or "Dixie's Land" (1859)

DLTDHYOTWO (Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out)

"DNT TXT N DRV" (bumper sticker)

Do a Brodie

"Do biscuits websites use cookies?"

"Do burlesque shows have undress rehearsals?"

"Do buses and trains run on time?"/"Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks."

"Do buses and trains run on time?"/"Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks."

"Do cannibals refer to homeless people as free range?"

Do Dat Barbecue (Nacogdoches)

"Do deer like cheese?"/"Fawn do."

"Do dragons enjoy playing offices and accountants?"

"Do history exams get harder every year?"

"Do holy cows give pastorized milk?"

"Do I know any sodium jokes? Na"

"Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?"

"Do I look like a freakin' people person?"

"Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it's what it's"

"Do I run? Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money"

"Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

"Do it today or regret it tomorrow"

"Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today"

"Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes today"

"Do leprechauns make good secretaries?"/"Sure, they're great at shorthand!"

"Do locksmiths count as key workers?"

"Do midgets have to stay only 3 feet apart?" (social distancing)

"Do more things that make you forget to check your phone"

"Do no harm, but take no shit"

"Do no harm, take no shit"

"Do not adjust your set"

"Do not ask God to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet"

"Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors..."

"Do not drink and drive, because there are people out there who text and drive"

"Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote for Christmas..."

"Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on"

"Do not let people who surround themselves with barbed wire and armed soldiers..."

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do"

"Do not make peace with evil. Destroy it"

"Do not make your mask from masking tape"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump"

"Do not regret growing old. It is a privilege denied to many"

"Do not reward yourself with food. You are not a dog"

"Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job"

Do-Nothing Congress

"Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?"

"Do people who run marathons know about cars?"

"Do people who run marathons know that they don’t have to?"

"Do people who run marathons know they can just drive?"

"Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?"

"Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, ’Oh shoot, it’s the cops’?"

"Do regular dogs see police dogs and think 'oh no it's a cop'?"

"Do regular dogs see police dogs and think 'oh no it's the cops'?"

"Do regular dogs see police dogs and think 'oh shit it's a cop'?"

"Do regular dogs see police dogs and think 'oh shit it's the cops'?"

"Do rich people still drive around eating mustard?"

"Do Santa’s cookies pair well with white wine? Asking for a friend"

"Do sharks complain about Monday? No. They’re up early, biting stuff, chasing shit, being scary.."

"Do someone a favor and it becomes your job"

Do Texas Different (El Paso slogan)

"Do they have restaurants in Japan where American people cook in front of you with lawn chairs?"

"Do today what others won't, so you can do tomorrow what others can't"

"Do trees poop?"/"Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!"

"Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?"

"Do vegans eat beefsteak tomatoes?"

"Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?"

"Do what makes you happy because if you died today, your job would be posted before your obituary"

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are"

"Do what you do best and delegate the rest"

"Do what you love and you'll never have a problem with Monday"

"Do y'all blow y'all food when it's too hot or do y'all just hasafashafsas till you can chew it?"

"Do you deliver?"/"No, but we do chicken, lamb and fish."

"Do you ever wanna lose weight, but weight doesn't wanna lose you?!"

"Do you follow Jesus this close?" (bumper sticker)

"Do you follow Jesus this closely?" (bumper sticker)

"Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back"

"Do you have a bathroom?"/"No, we shit outside in the yard."

"Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?"/"Yes. February 14th."

"Do you have a golden lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"Do you have Coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking ah-choo" (pickup line)

"Do you have reservations?"/"Yes, but I'll eat here anyway."

"Do you have reservations?"/"Yes, but I'll stay here anyway."

"Do you know the way to Chardonnay?"

"Do you know the way to the Empire State Building, or should I just go fuck myself?"

"Do you know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas"

"Do you know what's on the menu? Me-n-u"

"Do you know where Central Park is?...OK, I'll mug you here"

"Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market"

"Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market"

"Do you know why birds sing in the morning? Because they don't have to go to work!"

"Do you know why birds sing in the mornings? Because they don't have to go to work!"

"Do you know why it’s called hummus?"/"Because it doesn’t know the words."

"Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper? Because people are losing their shit"

"Do you like pinochle otters?" (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

"Do you need a current license to drive an electric car?"

"Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?"

"Do you play any sports?" (joke)

"Do you run?"/"Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money."

"Do you serve crabs here?" (joke)

"Do you serve fish cakes?" (restaurant joke)

"Do you serve fishcakes?" (restaurant joke)

"Do you serve lawyers here?" (bar/lawyer joke)

"Do you serve women at this bar?"/"No, you have to supply your own."

"Do you shake the gas pump handle when you’re done, or are you rich?"

"Do you smell carrots?" (snowman joke)

"Do you spit or swallow?" (wine tasting joke)

"Do you suffer from shyness? Ask your doctor or pharmacist about tequila"

"Do you take the train to work?"/"No way! The train takes me!"

"Do you take the train to work?"/"No way! The train takes me!"

"Do you want a Hurts donut?" (joke)

"Do you want a plate of spaghetti?"/"No, I want a normal plate with spaghetti on it."

"Do you want fries with that?"

"Do you want fries with that shake?"

"Do you want to hear a construction joke?"/"I'm working on it."

"Do your best and forget the rest"

"Do your homework or you'll end up at McDonald's"

"Do Your Own Due Diligence" (DYODD)

"Do your talking on the field"

"Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?"/"No, they eat fingers separately."

Dobe (also Dobie, Doby) Biscuit

DoBro (Downtown Brooklyn)

"Doc, I have lettuce sticking out of my bum."/"Sorry, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg."

"Doc, I'm addicted to Twitter!"/"Sorry, I don't follow you."

Doc Shock

Dock-walloper

"Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!" (joke)

"Doctor: Do you smoke? Me: Yes. Mostly brisket, some ribs."

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!" (joke)

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot."/"Don't get yourself in a stew."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a hotel."/"Can I examine you?"/"Be my guest."

"Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty" (joke)

Doctor Doom or Dr. Doom (economic pessimist)

Doctor Google (Dr. Google)

Doctor of Democracy

"Doctor says alcoholism is a disease. Bartender says get your shots here"

"Doctor, when do you think Covid19 will be over?"/"I don't know. I'm not a journalist."

"Doctor, why do I toot like a motorcycle?"/"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."

"Doctors bury their mistakes; journalists put theirs on the front page"

"Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less"

Doctors' Row (or, Irish Fifth Avenue)

Documented Instance of Public Eating (DIPE)

Documents Hopelessly Lost or Drivers Hopelessly Lost (DHL Express backronymic nickname)

Dodger Way (Dodgers' Way)

"Does a biscuit website use cookies?"

"Does anyone else get road rage from pushing a cart through the aisles at Walmart?"

"Does anyone have a recipe for ice cream soup?"

"Does anyone have any spare conspiracy theories? Mine are all coming true..."

"Does anyone know how many snowmen you're allowed in your garden under current restrictions?"

"Does anyone know if I can buy clothes pegs online?"

"Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?"

"Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet? Or are we still just washing our hands?"

"Does anyone know the number that parents are supposed to call if we need a substitute teacher?"

"Does anyone know where adults can trick or treat? Looking for a neighborhood that hands out tacos"

"Does anyone know where I can get an extended car warranty?"

"Does anyone know where i can get an extended warranty for my car?"

"Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?"

"Does anyone remember playing solitaire with real cards?"

"Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure"

"Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure"

"Does balancing my checkbook count as exercise?"

"Does balancing my checkbook count as exercise?"

"Does butternut squash know how filthy it sounds?"

"Does comedy on television cause comedy in the streets?"

"Does every sentence need to include a vegetable? Not neccescelery"

"Does every sentence have to contain a vegetable? Not nececelery"

"Does It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle" ("diarrhoea" backronym)

"Does Macy's tell Gimbels?"

"Does McDonald's Sell Cheese Burgers?" (math mnemonic)

"Does McDonald's Sell Cheese Burgers?" (math mnemonic)

"Does McDonald's Serve Cheese Burgers?" (math mnemonic)

"Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?"

"Does running late count as exercise?"

"Does running out of money count as exercise?"

"Does running out of money count as exercise?"

"Does shivering count as exercise?"

"Does social distancing tack on six additional feet to each active restraining order?"

"Does swimming in debt count as cardio?"

"Does the existence of music theory imply the existence of music conspiracy theory?"

"Does the flap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?"

"Does the jelly in a donut count as a serving of fruit? Asking for a friend"

"Does the Michelin Man get dressed in evening a tire?"

"Does the minister's cow produce pastorized milk?"

"Does this hotel have prayer rooms?"/"No, sir. But we do have other amen-ities."

"Does this hotel offer a turndown service?"/"Not to you."

"Does this truck make my neck look red?"

"'Does this uniform make me look fat?' -- the insecurity guard"

"Does wine count as a serving of fruit?"

"Does working for UPS make you a professional boxer?"

"Does working for UPS make you a professional boxer?"

Doesn't Even Leave The Airport or Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport (Delta backronymic nickname)

"Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle" ("diarrhoea" backronym)

Dog and Phoney Show (Dog and Phony Show)

Dog and Phony Show (Dog and Phoney Show)

"Dog catchers get paid by the pound"

"Dog is man's best friend until you need a ride to the airport"

"Dog lovers don't eat dogs. Cat lovers don't eat cats. Animal lovers don't eat animals"

"Dog obedience schools have grades K - 9"

Dog Walker

Dogcatcher Elections ("Couldn't get elected dog catcher")

Doggie Bag

"Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan"

"Dogs, coffee, music"

"Dogs have masters, cats have staff"

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff"

"Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers"

"Dogs run and they live 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live 150 years. Lesson learned"

"Dogs welcome inside. Please tie children to post out front" (sign)

Doguero (hot dog vendor)

"Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark..."

"Doing God's work" (investment banking joke)

"Doing my part to keep the coffee industry financially strong"

"Doing sit-ups at home is a form of domestic ab use"

"Doing squats so my ass matches my sass"

"Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness"

"Doing your best does not mean working yourself to the point of a mental breakdown"

"Doing your taxes on April Fools' Day seems like a legitimate way to defraud the government"

Dollar Diplomacy

Dollar Menu (Value Menu)

Dollar Store of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Dollar Van

Dollarbetic (dollar + diabetic)

Dollarocracy

Dollars, Taxes (Dallas, Texas)

"Dollars to doughnuts"

Dolphins (College of Staten Island teams)

"Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Sub and Switch Pérignon"

"Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Sub Pérignon"

"Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Submissive Pérignon"

"Dominant chords imply the existence of submissive chords"

Dominican Day Parade

Domino (to give birth)

"Donald Trump walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Donburi (Japanese rice bowl)

"Done is better than perfect"

"Done like a dinner"

Donkey Sauce

Donkey Tails (hot dogs with cheddar cheese in a tortilla, then fried)

Donkeycrat (donkey + Democrat)

Donnoli or Danolli (donut + cannoli)

Donor Maintenance

Donotnut (from "donut")

"Don't agonize, organize"

"Don't applaud -- just throw cash"

"Don't applaud -- just throw money"

"Don't ask me about my protein and I won't ask you about your cholesterol"

"Don't ask me why I'm a vegetarian. Ask yourself why you're not"

"Don't ask me why I'm vegan. Ask yourself why you're not"

"Don't ask why children need to see drag queens. Ask why drag queens crave an audience of children"

"Don't ask why health food is so expensive. Ask why junk food is so cheap"

"Don't ask why I need an AR-15. Ask why an IRS agent needs one"

"Don't back no losers" ("Don't make no waves, don't back no losers")

"Don't be a dick for a tick"

"Don't be a jabroni. Eat your ravioli"

"Don't be a part of the problem. Be the whole problem"

"Don't be a speaker, be an expert who speaks"

"Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together"

"Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents' job"

"Don't be dismayed, be disjuned"

"Don't be dumb and mix wine and rum"

"Don't be evil" (Google motto)

"Don't be eye candy, be soul food"

"Don't be gentle, it's a rental"

"Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted"

"Don’t be mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything"

"Don't be mad at lazy people. They haven't done anything"

"Don't be part of the problem. Be the whole problem"

"Don't be pushed around by your problems. Be led by your dreams"

"Don’t be shy. Send that 12th unanswered text. -- Tequila"

"Don’t be shy. Send that 12th unanswered text.—Tequila"

"Don't be upset by the results you didn't get from the work you didn't do"

"Don’t be upset -- eat some spaghett" ("Don't get upset -- have some spaghett")

"Don’t be upsetti -- eat some spaghetti" ("Don't get upsetti -- have some spaghetti")

"Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you..." (joke)

"Don’t be yourself. Be a pizza. Everyone loves pizza"

"Don't believe everything you read in the papers"

"Don't believe what you see in September" (baseball adage)

"Don’t blame a clown acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus"

"Don't blame the baker when the butcher bakes the bread"

Don't block the box!

"Don't bore us, get to the chorus" (music adage)

"Don't bring up the past of a person who is trying to improve their future"

"Don't California my Texas"

"Don't call him a cowboy till you've seen him ride"

"Don't call me a 'Conspiracy Theorist'. I prefer a 'Connect the dots Specialist'"

"Don't call them illegal firearms. Call them undocumented weapons and let them live..."

"Don't call us, we'll call you" (entertainment saying)

"Don't Canada my America"

"Don't Canada my Florida"

"Don't Canada my Texas"

"Don't change horses in the middle of the stream" ("Don't swap horses in midstream")

"Don't chase anything but drinks and dreams"

"Don't cheat yourself. Treat yourself"

"Don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"/"And you will dialogue."

"Don't clap -- just throw money"

"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it"

"Don’t compare me to the Almighty, compare me to the alternative"

"Don't confuse brains with a bull market" (Wall Street adage)

"Don't count calories, count chemicals"

"Don't count the days, make the days count"

"Don't cry about money -- it never cries for you"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

"Don't cry over spilt milk. It could have been whiskey"

"Don't depend too much on anyone. Even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness"

"Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork"

"Don't discriminate against my unvaccinated children. They were born that way"

"Don't do anything yourself that someone else can do for you"

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time"

"Don't downgrade your dream just to fit your reality. Upgrade your conviction to match your destiny"

"Don't drink and drive -- you might hit a bump and spill your drink"

"Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people"

"Don't drink to drown your sorrows -- sorrows know how to swim"

"Don't drink water while studying. Chemistry says that concentration decreases on adding water"

"Don't drink with ghosts. They can't handle their boos"

"Don't eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food"

"Don't eat the yellow snow"

"Don't Even THINK of Parking Here," "No Parking, No Standing, No Stopping, No Kidding"

"Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car"

"Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to put in"

"Don't ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart"

"Don't ever underestimate the heart of a champion." (Houston Rockets coach Rudy Tomjanovich)

Don't Expect Anything (Drug Enforcement Administration or DEA nickname)

Don't Expect Protection (Department of Environmental Protection or DEP nickname)

"Don't expect what you don't inspect" (management adage)

"Don't fail to miss tomorrow's game"

"Don't fart in an Apple store. They don't have Windows"

"Don't fart in an Apple store. They don't have Windows"

"Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today"

"Don't feed me bullshit and tell me it's ice cream"

"Don't feed me crap and tell me it's ice cream"

"Don't feed me manure and tell me it's ice cream"

"Don't feed me shit and tell me it's ice cream"

"Don't fight the Bank of Canada"

"Don't fight the Fed"

"Don't fight the tape" (Wall Street proverb)

"Don't find time to exercise, make the time to exercise"

"Don't follow a model that doesn't work. If the recipe sucks, it doesn't matter how good a cook is"

"Don't follow me. I'm lost, too!" (bumper sticker)

"Don't follow the science, follow the money"

"Don't forget to be an insufferable asshole today. You never know who's having a good day..."

"Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all"

"Don't forget to drink water and get some sun. You're basically a houseplant"

"Don't forget to drink your water and mind your own business this week"

"Don't forget to pay your taxes this year. Other countries and politicians are depending on you!"

"Don't forget to pay your taxes this year. Other countries are depending on you"

"Don't forget to pick up wine for Mother's Day. After all, you are one of the reasons she drinks"

"Don't forget to set your clock on fire this Sunday. Time isn't real"

"Don't forget to set your clock on fire tonight. Time isn't real"

"Don’t forget to set your clocks from sunshine and happiness back to misery and despair"

"Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds tonight"

"Don’t forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night at 1am for Thanksgiving"

"Don't get Covid-19. They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it's much better"

"Don't get mad -- get even"

"Don't get mad -- get everything!"

"Don't get married to a stock" (Wall Street adage)

"Don't get your Snickers in a Twix"

"Don't get your tinsel in a tangle"

"Don't give up on things that make you smile"

"Don't give up. You've still got a couple of MFers to prove wrong"

"Don't go broke trying to look rich"

"Don't go through life without goals" (hockey saying)

"Don't go wobbly" ("This is no time to go wobbly")

"Don't guess -- soil test" (farming adage)

"Don't guess -- soil test" (lawn and garden adage)

"Don't hate. Create" ("Create! Don't hate")

"Don't hate people for being unvaccinated. They were born that way"

"Don't hurt people and don't take their stuff"

"Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river"

"Don't disturb anyone working on a puzzle or you may hear some cross words"

"Don't judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Tex-Mex restaurant by their chips and salsa"

"Don’t judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Tex-Mex restaurant by their chips and salsa"

"Don't judge a cook by his blubber"

"Don't just chase your dreams. Run them down"

"Don't just do something, stand there"

"Don't keep calm. Destroy this corrupt government"

"Don't keep calm. Destroy this corrupted government"

"Don't keep calm. Go change the world"

"Don't keep calm. Go out and change the world"

"Don't kiss anyone on New Year's Day because it's only the first date"

"Don't knock it till you've tried it"

"Don’t know how I feel about bars opening back up. Drinks gonna be weak compared to mine"

"Don't let a team beat you twice"

"Don't let anyone else ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself"

"Don't let anyone ruin your day. Be a man. Ruin it yourself"

"Don't let anyone ruin your day. Ruin it yourself. Be a man"

"Don't let anyone treat you like free salsa. You are guac, baby girl. Guac"

"Don't let anyone treat you like free salsa. You are guacamole, baby. Guacamole"

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes, tell you how to tie your laces"

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to walk"

"Don't let idiots ruin your day. Ruin it yourself"

"Don't let nobody who ain't been in your shoes, tell you how to tie your laces"

"Don't let others ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself"

"Don't let the bastards grind you down" (Illegitimi non carborundum)

"Don't let the government take away your favorite side dish. They're trying to disenfrenchfries you"

"Don't let the same snake bite you twice"

"Don't let the tax tail wag the investment dog" (Wall Street adage)

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today"

"Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass"

"Don't let your fear decide your future"

"Don't let your fears decide your future"

"Don’t let your ice cream melt while counting somebody else's sprinkles"

"Don't let your meat loaf!" (slang)

"Don't let your meatloaf!" (slang)

"Don't let your mouth write checks your body can't cash"

"Don't let your printer know you're in a hurry. They smell fear"

"Don't limit your challenges. Challenge your limits"

"Don't look for crumbs when there's a cake right in front of you"

"Don't make excuses for nasty people. You can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase"

"Don't make fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates"

"Don't make me use my before coffee voice"

"Don't make me use my director voice"

"Don't meat your heroes" (vegetarian/vegan saying)

"Don't meat your heros" (vegetarian/vegan saying)

"Don't mess with success"

"Don't Mess With Texas"

"Don't Mess With Texas -- We're Armed"

"Don't mistake activity for achievement"

"Don't mourn -- organize" (labor slogan)

"Don't move in mysterious ways. Use your blinker"

"Don't New York my Florida"

"Don't NY my Florida"

"Don't open a 'Ding, Dong' email! It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home"

"Don't open a 'Knock, Knock' email! It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home"

"Don’t panic, it’s organic"

"Don't park too close. I'm fat" (bumper sticker)

"Don't pay any attention to the critics—don't even ignore them"

"Don't pay for saves" (fantasy baseball adage)

"Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining"

"Don’t pick a job with great vacation time. Pick one that doesn’t need escaping from"

"Don't plant until Mother's Day" (gardening adage)

"Don't practice until you get it right; practice until you can't get it wrong"

"Don't pray in my school and I won't think in your church"

"Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, don’t decide when sad"

"Don't prune in May or June" (gardening adage)

"Don't put sugar on shit and tell me it's a brownie"

"Don't put sugar on shit and tell me it's ice cream"

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"

"Don't quit your day job" (show business adage)

"Don't Rain On My Parade" (1964, 1968)

"Don't raise your voice, improve your argument"

"Don't reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you"

"Don’t resist chances. Take them like vitamins"

"Don't retreat -- reload"

"Don't rob my tools. I need them to pay your benefits" (commercial vehicle sign)

"Don't scare the horses or the children"

"Don't sell America short"

"Don't sell drills -- sell holes"

"Don't sell the steak -- sell the sizzle"

"Don't send a boy to do a man's job"

"Don't send my boy to Texas" (Oklahoma University song)

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"

"Don't short new highs or buy new lows"

"Don't smoke, drink or chew, or run with boys who do"

"Don't stand outside and be miserable; come inside and get fed up" (restaurant sign)

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed"

"Don't steal my tools. I need them to pay your benefits" (commercial vehicle sign)

"Don't steal -- the government hates competition"

"Don't stop and throw stones at every dog that barks" (business adage)

"Don't stop until you're proud"

"Don't stop when you are tired. Stop when you are done"

"Don't stress. Do your best. Forget the rest"

"Don't stress if someone says you are fat. You are bigger than that"

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

"Don't take any wooden nickels"

"Don't take candy from strangers"

"Don't talk about rope in a hanged man's house"

"Don't talk, just act. Don't say, just show. Don't promise, just prove"

"Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax the fellow behind that tree"

"Don't tell anyone 'I hate you' directly. Say 'You are the Monday of my life'"

"Don't tell anytwo, but I suck at math"

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon"

"Don't tell my mother I'm a banker -- she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse"

"Don't tell my mother I'm a politician -- she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse"

"Don't tell people your plans. Show them your results"

"Don't think of yourself as a meme thief. The official title is Social Media Redistribution agent"

"Don’t throw a fit if your beach volleyball team is defeated. Nobody likes a shore loser"

"Don't throw away cake to start looking for crumbs"

"Don't touch that dial!"

"Don't touch the whatchamacallit because it will make the doohickey not work with the thingamabob"

"Don't treat people as bad as they are, treat them as good as you are"

"Don't trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar"

"Don't trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar"

"Don't trust people that do acupuncture. They're back stabbers"

"Don't underestimate yourself. You can do hard things. Like making coffee in the morning..."

"Don't update your status when you're drunk"

"Don't update your status when you're drunk"

"Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression..."

"Don't use your fridge as a morgue"

"Don't vote -- it only encourages them"

"Don't wail on the scale if you cheat when you eat"

"Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect"

"Don’t wait to buy real estate. Buy real estate and wait"

"Don't wait. Vaccinate"

"Don’t want the neighbors thinking I’m rich... so I turned a few lights off"

"Don't waste a moment of your life trying to be normal"

"Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going!"

"Don't wish for it -- work for it"

"Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew -- you have a big mouth"

"Don't worry about the snow storm. Everything's going to be all white"

"Don't worry about what I'm doing. Worry about why you're worried about what I'm doing"

"Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas..."

"Don't worry, be hoppy" (beer saying)

"Don't worry, beer happy"

"Don't worry, beer hoppy"

"Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon"

"Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine"

"Don't worry, it's okay to drink white after Labor Day"

"Don't worry, the bars are there to keep the freedom inside"

Don'tnut (from "donut")

"Donut implies the existence of donotnut"

"Donut implies the existence of don'tnut"

"Donut or donotnut. There is no trynut"

"Donut worry, be happy" ("Doughnut worry, be happy")

Donuts and Cops

"Donuts are healthier than crystal meth"

"Donuts are just dessert bagels"

"Donuts before bronuts"

Doomer

Doomtard (doom + retard)

Doorbell Night (October 30th)

Doorbuster

Doorman (Door Man)

Doorperson (Door Person)

Doorwoman (Door Woman)

Dorm District (Yorkville, Manhattan)

Dormandie Court or Dormandy Court (Normandie Court)

"'Dormitory' is an anagram for 'dirty room'"

Dormitory of New York (Brooklyn)

Dormitory Row

"DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work"

"Dosas are just a vehicle for chutney"

DOTUS (Dog Of The United States)

Double Check (Seward Johnson's businessman sculpture in Liberty Park)

"Double chocolate cookies are brownies"

Double-Decker

Double Dip

Double Dog Dare (Triple Dog Dare)

Double Dutch

Double Irish

Double Red Cross; Double Red Crossed (double-cross + Red Cross)

Double Wonder or Double Wonders (Chinese dish of chicken and shrimp)

"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will"

Douche Bank (Deutsche Bank mispronunciation/nickname)

Dough Nut or Doughnut or Donut; Cruller

Doughnut Hole (Donut Hole)

Doughnut (zero bonus)

"Doughnuts are healthier than crystal meth"

"Doughnuts are just dessert bagels"

"Doughs before bros" ("Doughs over bros")

Dove

"Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap"

Dow Jones Propaganda Average (Dow Jones Industrial Average nickname)

DoWiSeTrePla (Down Wind of the Sewage Treatment Plant)

"Down goes Frazier!"

Down Home Cooking

Downtown

"Downtown Dallas" (joke punchline)

Downtown Grand Central (Fulton Street Hub)

"Downtown Train" (1985)

Downtowner

"Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition" (joke)

Dr. Google (Doctor Google)

Dr. Pepper Cake

"Dr. Pepper - Good for Life"

"Dr Pepper is a fizzician"

"Dr Pepper is just barbecue water"

"Dr Pepper is just barbeque water"

"Dr Pepper is just BBQ water"

"Dr. Watson, there are a lot of break ins lately."/"Sure. Lock homes."

Dracula Bites the Big Apple (short film, 1979)

Dracula Bites the Big Apple (short film, 1979)

Dracula Effect

"Draft beer, not people" ("Draft beer, not students")

Draftnik

"Dragged through the garden" (hot dog with everything on it)

Dragon and Phoenix (Chinese dish of lobster/shrimp and chicken)

"Dragon fruit are just really flamboyant kiwis"

"Dragon fruit is just albino kiwi"

"Dragon fruit is just boneless kiwi"

"Dragon fruit is just flavorless kiwi"

Dragon Turds (bacon-wrapped stuffed habaneros)

"Dragonfruit is the 'super hot girl with no personality' of the fruit world"

"Dragonfruit is the supermodel of the fruit world -- all looks, little taste"

"Drain the swamp" (clean up government)

"Drama is life with the dull parts cut out of it"

"Drama -- what literature does at night"

"Draw for show and follow for dough" (billiards adage)

"Dread the Fed"

Dreadmill (dread + treadmill)

"Dream big, work hard and make it happen"

"Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team"

"Dreamcatcher implies the existence of dreampitcher"

"Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them"

"Dreams don't work unless you do"

"Dreams taste like cotton candy"

Dreidel

"Dress British, Think Yiddish" ("Dress British, Look Irish, Think Yiddish")

"Dress for the fall, not for the ride" (motorcycle adage)

"'Dress for the job that you want' is bad advice for aspiring police officers"

"'Dress for the job that you want' is bad advice for aspiring police officers"

"Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" (employment adage)

"Dressage horses dance really well for having two left feet"

"Dressage takes two lifetimes to master"

Dressed Resembling A Girl ("drag" backronym)

"Dried fruit is my raisin d'être"

"Drink Canada Dry" (joke)

"Drink cheap wine, you're an alcoholic; drink expensive wine, you're a connoisseur"

"Drink coffee and do good"

"Drink coffee. Do good"

"Drink coffee. Do good things"

"Drink Coffee: Do stupid things faster and with more energy"

"Drink coffee to get the energy to drink more coffee"

"Drink. Drive. Go to Jail." (TxDOT slogan)

Drink Every Afternoon (Drug Enforcement Administration or DEA nickname)

"Drink. Hangover. Hydrate. Repeat"

"Drink is the greatest wrecker of men since women was invented"

"Drink protein shakes today because there's no whey in hell"

"Drink some coffee and pretend you know what you're doing"

"Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding"

"Drink triple, see double, act single"

"Drink water and mind your business"

"Drink water and mind your business today"

"Drink water & mind your business"

"Drink water & mind your business today"

"Drink your coffee and grab Monday by the beans"

"Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I almost asked my wife for her number!"

"Drinking coffee because I want to be wide awake for this nightmare"

"Drinking coffee in the morning helps others live longer"

"Drinking green beer is the closest I'll come to eating a vegetable all year"

"Drinking rum before 10 am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic"

"Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary"

Drinking Straw Effect (oil drilling term)

"Drinking the Kool-Aid"

"Drinking town with a football problem" (various cities)

"Drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is"

"Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling"

"*drinks water with lemon* This is going to fix everything"

"Drinks well with others"

Drinksicle (drink + popsicle)

Drinktator (drink + dictator)

Drive-By Media (DBM)

"Drive for show and putt for dough" (golf adage)

"Drive Friendly -- The Texas Way"

Drive-In

"Drive slow, see our city; Drive fast, see our judge"

"Drive-in banking was invented so cars could go in and see their real owners"

"Driver carries no cash -- he's married" (bumper sticker)

"Driving 5 mph over the speed limit doesn't entitle you to left lane privileges"

"Driving alone in your car with a mask on? Do you put a condom on if you’re alone in bed?"

"Drop acid, not bombs"

"Drop edge of yonder"

"Drop taxes, not bombs"

"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect"

"Dropping a cup of coffee usually wakes you up more than drinking it"

"Dropping a penny on the ground feels more littering than losing money"

"Dropping Latin phrases into conversations just to sound smart is definitely my modus operandi"

"Drug addicts are lack-dose intolerant"

Drugs and Thugs (Bureau for International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs nickname)

"Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Fruits and vegetables restore our biochemistry..."

"Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Plants restore our biochemistry to create health"

"Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Vegetables restore our biochemistry..."

"Drugs End All Dreams" ("dead" backronym)

"Drugs: Responsible for teaching Americans the metric system"

Drugstore Cowboy

Drummer

Drums Along the Hudson: A Native American Festival & Shad Fest

Drunch (drink/drunk + brunch/lunch)

Drunchies (drink + munchies)

"Drunk as a skunk"

"Drunk is when you feel sophisticated, but can't pronounce it"

"Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green"

Drunken Dognuts (Dunkin' Donuts nickname)

Drunken Egg Cream (Kahlua Egg Cream)

Drunkorexia

Dry Bar (alcohol-free bar)

Dry Dock District

Dry Hot Pot or Dried Hot Pot or Dry Pot (Gan Guo or Ganguo)

"Dry January is going well for me so far. I've not had a bath or a shower yet"

"Dry pet food is basically meat cereal" ("Dog food is just meat cereal")

"Dry salad is a problem that needs addressing"

DTE (Down To Eat)

Dubai on the Hudson (Hudson Yards)

Dubliner (Dublin Dr Pepper cocktail)

Duck Sauce (Chinese Duck Sauce)

Duck Soup

Duckeasy (foie gras "speakeasy")

Dude

"Dude on tv just said, 'Where there's fat, there's flavor.' He was talking about food, but..."

"Dudes living off their girls government assistance trying to act tough. Calm down John WIC"

"Dudes quick to say women don't cook like grandma used to but y'all don't pay bills like grandpa"

"Due to corona virus, I will not shake hands or hug. You may kneel or bow to me"

"Due to COVID-19, we are asking looters to work from home and steal their own property"

"Due to COVID-19, we are asking protesters to work from home and destroy their own property"

"Due to COVID-19, we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own property"

"Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late"

"Due to inflation and food price increases, the 5 second rule has been extended to 10 seconds"

"Due to inflation, Dollar Tree is changing its name to Dollar Tree-Fiddy"

"Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing its name to Tree Dollar"

"Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened a second register"

"Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second checkout lane"

"Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second register"

"Due to the quarantine... I’ll only be telling inside jokes"

"Due to the recent outbreak of Corona virus, kissing ass has been temporarily suspended"

"Due to the shortage of cleaning supplies, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap"

"Due to travel restrictions, America had to invade itself this year"

"Due to travel restrictions, the United States had to invade itself this year"

"Due to travel restrictions, the USA had to invade itself this year"

"Due to travel restrictions, this year the United States had to organize the coup at home"

Duffin (doughnut + muffin)

Dulce de Leche

Dumb Dora

Dumb Money

Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention ("drama" backronym)

Dumbassador (dumbass + ambassador)

Dumbest Organization Ever (Department of Education nickname)

DUMBO (Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass)

DUMBO Art Under the Bridge Festival

Dumbo Heights (DUMBO + Brooklyn Heights)

Dumbocrat (dumb + Democrat)

Dumboer (inhabitant of Dumbo, Brooklyn)

Dumboite (inhabitant of Dumbo, Brooklyn)

"Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert"

Dummycrat (dummy + Democrat)

Dumbocracy (dumb + democracy)

Dump Cake

Dumpacrap or Dumpocrap (Democrat party nickname)

Dumpacrat or Dumpocrat (dump + Democrat)

"Dumplings are just Chinese ravioli"

"Dumplings imply the existence of a large dumple"

Dumpster Diving (Dumpster Pool)

Dungeon Alley (Dungeon District)

Dunkin' Deez Nuts (Dunkin' Donuts + deez nuts)

Dunkin' Deeznuts (Dunkin' Donuts + deez nuts)

Dunking Doughnuts (and "Sinkers")

"Dunno what this WiFi dude did, but I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom"

"During a campaign, the air is full of speeches -- and vice versa"

"During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation"

"During his air test, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors"

"During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies..."

"Dusted once. It came back. Not falling for that again"

Dusty Miller (chocolate sundae with malted milk)

Dutch Broadway (Courtlandt Avenue in the Bronx)

Dutch Sandwich

"Duty. Honor, Country"

"Duty is ours; results are God's" ("Duty is ours, consequences are God's")

Dyckman Basketball Tournament

"Dying is easy; comedy is hard" (theatre adage)

Dyke Slope (Park Slope, Brooklyn)

Dyker Lights (Dyker Heights at Christmas)

"Dyslexic racists hate gingers"

Dyspepsia in a Snowstorm (mince pie with sprinkled sugar on top)

E-Z Pass

"Each cup of tea represents an imaginary voyage"

"Each day of our lives we make deposits into the memory banks of our children"

Eagle Capital of Texas (Rains County)

Eagle (golf score)

Eagle Passan (inhabitant of Eagle Pass)

"Eagles don't deliver on Sunday" (NFL football joke)

"Eagles don't take flight lessons from chickens"

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

Early Bird Special (Early Bird Dinner; Early Bird Supper)

"Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee"

"Early sunsets, warm tea, messy hair, big sweaters"

"Early to bed, early to rise, fish all day and make up lies"

"Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise"

Earmark

Earmarxist (earmark + Marxist)

Earned Media (Free Media)

Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering (EBIT backronym)

"Earth first! (we'll log the other planets later)"

"Earth provides enough for every man's need. but not every man's greed"

"Earth without art is just eh"

"EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER" (joke)

Earthmelon (earth + melon; jocular formation after "watermelon")

East 62nd Street Lemon Cake

"East end of a horse going west" (a horse's ass)

East Harlem International Film Festival

East Jesus (any remote town, but often associated with Texas)

"East Side Story" into "West Side Story" (1957)

East Sider or Eastsider

East Village

"Easter egg hunts are proof that kids can find things when they really want to"

"Easter egg hunts are proof that your children can find things when they really want to"

"Easter Egg Hunts: proof your child can find things when they really want to"

"Easter egg hunts prove that your child can find things when they want to"

Easter Eggstravaganza (eggs + extravaganza)

"Easter is the only time when it's perfectly safe to put all your eggs in one basket"

"Easter tweets should be called 'peeps'"

Eastern Media Elite

"Easy as pie"

Easy Lay (Hotel Elysée nickname)

"Easy like Sunday coffee"

"Easy money causes hard times"

Easy Pass (school program)

"Easy peasy lemon squeezy"

Easy Street

"Eat all the junk food you want, as long as you cook it yourself"

Eat and Greet

"Eat at Joe's" (Joe's Restaurant)

"Eat beans, not beings"

"Eat Beef -- The West Wasn't Won on Salad"

Eat Better Today or Eat Better Tonight (Electronic Benefit Transfer or EBT nickname)

"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, dinner like a pauper" (food adage)

"Eat clean, train dirty"

"Eat crow"

"Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day"

"Eat, drink, and be cozy"

"Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet"

"Eat, drink and be scary"

"Eat, drink and be thankful"

"Eat 'em and Beat 'em" (Exchange Buffet)

"Eat fish, live longer" (M. Slavin & Sons, Ltd.)

"Eat foods that spoil (just eat them before they do)"

"Eat for the body you want, not for the body you have"

"Eat fruit, not friends"

"Eat fruits, not friends"

"Eat glitter for breakfast and shine all day"

"Eat half. Walk double. Laugh triple. Love without measure"

"Eat here and get gas" ("food and gas")

"Eat here and get gas" ("food and gas")

"Eat here, diet home" (restaurant sign)

"Eat here. Fifty million flies can't be wrong" (restaurant sign)

"Eat here or we will both starve" (restaurant sign)

"Eat ice cream for daily happiness"

"Eat less from a box and more from the earth"

"Eat like no one is going to see you naked"

"Eat like no one is watching. Or dance. Whatever"

"Eat meat, not wheat"

"Eat my powder" (skiing saying)

"Eat my shorts!"

"Eat Now -- Pay Waiter" (restaurant sign)

"Eat Objectively. Live Rich" (Fountainhead Cafe)

"Eat on the run, forget about sleep, and change horses often"

"Eat pussy, not animals"

"Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway."

"Eat shit. A billion flies can't be wrong"

"Eat, shop, sleep"

"Eat, sleep and save animals. Repeat daily!"

"Eat. Sleep. Beach. Repeat"

"Eat. Sleep. Clinicals. Panic. Study. Panic. Care Plans. Repeat"

"Eat. Sleep. Go to clinicals. Freak out. Study for exams. Freak out. Slay. Repeat"

"Eat, sleep, save animals. Repeat"

"Eat. Sleep. Study. Panic. Repeat"

"Eat. Sleep. Study. Repeat"

"Eat the apple, fuck the Corps" (Marine Corps saying)

"Eat the bugs" ("Eat ze bugs")

"Eat the fucking bugs"

"Eat the rainbow" ("Taste the rainbow")

"Eat the rich"

"Eat them for lunch before they eat you for dinner"

"Eat to fuel your body, not to feed your emotions"

"Eat to fuel your body, not your emotions"

"Eat well, sleep well" ("Do you want to eat well or sleep well?")

"Eat well, travel often"

"Eat well, work hard, love truly, travel often"

"Eat well, work hard, travel often, stay humble"

"Eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside"

"Eat whatever you want, and if someone lectures you about your weight, eat them too"

"Eat your own dog food"

"Eat ze bugs" ("Eat the bugs")

Eatery

"Eating a burger upside-down allows the thicker bun to the absorb the juices"

"Eating a cheeseburger is basically eating the cow, the cow's milk, and the cow's food"

"Eating at McDonald's is like cleaning a toilet with your mouth"

"Eating breakfast in front of the TV at the same time every day turns the meal into a serial"

"Eating breakfast in front of the TV at the same time every day turns the meal into a serial"

"Eating clocks is time consuming"

"Eating eggs benedict reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands. Those were my Holland days"

Eating-house Square

"Eating is a necessity, but cooking is an art"

"Eating is an agricultural act"

"Eating is crazy. You put food in a cavity where you smash it with 32 bones..."

"Eating is kinda like 'insert here to continue playing'"

"Eating McDonald's is like cleaning a toilet with your mouth"

"Eating more fresh vegetables makes you an expert pooper. It's right in the name: Pro deuce"

"Eating nonbinary pizza at little ze/zirs"

"Eating Out Is Fun!" (Texas Restaurant Association)

"Eating peanuts is just making peanut butter with your teeth"

"Eating spaghetti with a spoon"

"Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony. But not eating too much pie..."

"Eating too much spiritual junk food will give you chi zits"

"Eating well is a form of self-respect"

"Eating pizza rolls is just microdosing calzones"

"eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches"

Economedian (economist + comedian)

Economic Moat

"Economic Pearl Harbor" (Wall Street crisis phrase)

Economissed (economist/economy + missed; The Economist nickname)

"Economists are paid to worry"

Ecotard (ecology + retard)

Ecuadorian Parade and Festival

Ed-Exit (Department of Education + exit)

Ed-Exit (education + exit)

Edifice Complex

"Editorial writers enter the battlefield after the war and shoot the wounded"

"Editorials like skirts -- long enough to cover everything, short enough to be interesting"

"Editors choose their stories, but sometimes stories choose their editors"

Edjamacation (jocular spelling of "education")

"Edmonton is to Calgary as Austin is to Houston"

Educamation (jocular spelling of "education")

Educashun (eye dialect spelling of "education")

"Educated people are hotter because they have more degrees"

Education (Charter Schools; Vouchers)

"Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army"

"Education is important, but big biceps are importanter"

"Education is important, but [X] is importanter"

"Education is no substitute for intelligence"

"Education is not the answer to the question. Education is the means to the answer to all questions"

"Education is the most powerful weapon we can use to change the world"

"Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty"

"Education is useless without the Bible"

"Education pays off in the long run" (marathoner joke)

"Education That Works" (Metropolitan College of New York)

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one"

Educayshun (eye dialect spelling of “education")

Educrat (education + bureaucrat)

Edumacation (jocular spelling of "education")

Edward Martin metaphor (1909)

"Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness"

"Efficiency is clever laziness"

"Efficiency of the Post Office, compassion of the IRS" (government-run healthcare)

Egg Cream

Egg Drop Soup (Egg Flower Soup)

Egg Foo Young (Egg Foo Yung; Egg Fu Young; Egg Fu Yung)

"Egg+Mayo=Egg Salad, Potato+Mayo=Potato Salad. Math proves mayo magically turns any food into salad"

"Egg nog implies the existence of chicken nog"

"'Egg nog' implies the existence of other, more secret types of nog"

"Egg nog implies the existence of sperm nog"

Egg Roll, Won Ton (Cantonese Cuisine)

Egg Rolls and Egg Creams Block Party

"Egg rolls are basically deep fried cole slaw"

Eggcellent (egg + excellent)

Eggnog (Egg Nog)

"Eggnog implies the existence of chickennog"

"Eggnog implies the existence of spermnog"

Eggnogstic (eggnog + agnostic)

Eggocado or Eggvocado (baked egg in avocado)

"Eggplant: where chickens work"

"Eggs are just boneless chicken"

"Eggs are technically boneless chicken"

"Eggs are the menstrual flow of hens" ("Eggs are chicken periods")

"Eggs are the original boneless chicken"

"Eggs are the real boneless chicken"

"Eggs are white because god knew black don’t crack"

Eggs Benedict

Eggs Hussarde

Eggs Hussarde

Eggs Sardou

Eggspresso (egg + espresso)

EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony awards)

Egotarian Cuisine

"Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen"

"Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar, but they were such lyres"

"Eh, it's good enough. -- Mediocrites, Greek philosopher"

"Ehh, good enough. -- Mediocrates"

"Ehh, good enough. -- Mediocretes"

"Eight S's of wine tasting: See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip, Slurp, Swish, Swallow (or Spit) and Savor"

"Eighter from Decatur, county seat of Wise" ("Ada from Decatur")

Eighth Wonder of the World (compound interest)

Eighth Wonder of the World (Houston Astrodome)

"Eisenhower Doll -- wind it up and it does nothing for eight years"

"Either Coke or Pepsi is fine. I'm bi-carbonate"

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing"

"Either you limit government or government limits you"

"El Bronx" (Bogotá, Colombia)

"El campeon de los hispanos" (El Diario La Prensa)

El Centavo (J. C. Penney nickname)

El Chuco or Chucotown (El Paso nickname)

El Pasoan (inhabitant of El Paso)

El Presidente (banana republic dictator)

"Elbow macaroni implies the existence of knee macaroni"

"Elect a clown, expect a circus"

Electile Dysfunction (ED)

Election Wagering ("peanut-and-toothpick" bet)

"Elections have consequences"

"Elections have consequences and stolen elections have serious consequences"

"Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using wind and solar power..."

"Elegance Without Attitude" (Michelangelo Hotel)

Elemelons (elements + melons; watermelon, firemelon, earthmelon, airmelon)

Elena Ruz Sandwich (Elena Ruiz Sandwich; Elena Ruth; Marie Elena; Cuban Turkey Sandwich)

Elephant Ears (pastry)

"Elephant in the room" ("Elephant in the living room")

"Elephants and asses are conning the masses"

"Elephants and asses are killing the masses"

"Elephants and asses are poisoning the masses"

"Elephants and asses are screwing the masses"

"Elephants don't gallop" (investment adage)

Elephant's Foot (450 W. 33rd Street, or 5 Manhattan West)

"Elephants Got Big Dirty Feet" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

Elevator Pitch (Elevator Speech; Elevator Statement)

Eleven O'Clock Number (11 O'Clock Number)

"Eleven o'clock on Sunday morning is the most segregated hour in America"

Eleven O'Clock Song (11 O'Clock Song)

Eleventh Commandment ("Mind your business")

Eleventh Commandment ("Thou shalt not get caught")

Eleventh Commandment ("Thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican")

Elginite (inhabitant of Elgin)

Elimination Diet (Exclusion Diet)

Elite Eight (eight remaining tournament players or teams)

Ellis Island of the West (Galveston nickname)

Elmhurst Earthworm (E or EE subway line)

Elmira: Queen City of the Southern Tier (nickname)

"Elvis' Guitar Broke Down Friday" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Embrace the suck"

"Memes are today's version of the Sunday comics"

Emerald City (Eugene nickname)

Empanada

Empire City, Empire State

Empire Zone

"Employee of the Month is a good example of how a person can be a winner & loser at the same time"

"Employees don't leave their company, they leave their boss" (People leave managers, not companies)

"Employees must stop crying before returning to work. And wash your hands" (bathroom sign)

"Employers are most happy on Mondays. Employees are most happy on Fridays"

Employment Prevention Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

Empowerment Zone

Empty Calories

"Empty cans make the most noise"

"Empty Garbage Before Dad Flips" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Empty police cars are scarecrows for people"

Empty State Building (Empire State Building's 1930s nickname)

EMS ("Every Minute Sucks")

Enchanted Media

Enchilada

Enchilada Red (color of San Antonio Public Library, Central branch)

Enchilada Soup (Chicken Enchilada Soup)

"Enchiladas are just Mexican manicotti"

End-of-the-World Trade

"End the war before it ends you"

Endicott, Binghamton, Johnson City: Triple Cities

Endicott: Magic City (nickname)

Enemedia (enemy + media)

Enemies List

Energy Capital of the World (Houston nickname)

"Energy equals milk chocolate squared"

"Energy = Milk x Coffee (squared)"

Enforcement Theater

Enfrijolada

Enganchadoras (female "grabbers" or people smugglers)

"English and Maths were my 3 bestest subjects in school"

"English major. You do the math"

English Muffin

English Terrace Row or Renwick Row (West 10th Street, Manhattan)

"Enjoy every sandwich" (Warren Zevon)

"Enjoy life -- it's delicious!"

"Enjoy life sip by sip, not gulp by gulp"

"Enjoy the party, but dance near the door" (financial adage)

"Enjoy your holiday provided to you by armed Americans"

"Enlighten the people and tyranny and oppressions will vanish like phantoms at dawh"

Enmolada

Eno's Folly (Fifth Avenue Hotel nickname)

"Enough about me. What do YOU think about me?" (actor joke)

Enron Field Curse (stadium name curse)

Ensalada de Noche Buena (Christmas Eve Salad)

Enslavement Day (Tax Day nickname)

"Censorship is the tool used when the lie loses its power"

"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house"

Enthusiasm Gap

Entomatada

"Entrail Mix: for cannibals who love the outdoor lifestyle"

"Entre más peligroso es el barrio, más rico saben los tacos"

"Entrepreneurs are willing to work 80 hours a week to avoid working 40 hours a week"

"Entrepreneurs work only half-days -- 12 hours"

"Entrepreneurship is living a few years of your life like most people won't"

"Entrepreneurship is the use of self-interest in the service of others..."

"Entrepreneurship is working 80 hours a week to avoid working 40 hours for someone else"

"If you're going to quit anything, quit making excuses and quit waiting for the right time"

Entry in progress -- BP1

Entry in progress -- BP2

Enviromarxist (environment + Marxist); Enviromarxism

Environazi (environment + Nazi)

Environmental Persecution Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

Environmental Poisoning Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

Environmental Pollution Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

Environmental Propaganda Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

Envirotard (environment + retard)

Enviroweenie (environment + weenie)

Envueltos (tortilla "envelopes")

"Envy plus rhetoric equals 'social justice'" ("Envy + Rhetoric = Social Justice")

Epocalypse (economic apocalypse)

"Erasers slowly sacrifice their lives for our mistakes"

Erb City (New Orleans nickname)

"Erotica is what I like. Porn is what you like"

Err America (Air America nickname)

Err Canada (Air Canada nickname)

"Error 404: Democracy not found"

"Error 404: Freedom not found"

"Escalators don't break down. They just turn into stairs"

"Solar energy is just nuclear energy from a safe distance"

"Espresso martinis are just bougie Four Lokos"

"Espresso martinis are just Four Lokos for adults"

"Espresso martinis are just Four Lokos that went to grad school"

"Espresso martinis are millennial women’s Four Loko"

"Espresso martinis are the Four Lokos of the bourgeoisie"

"Espresso yourself" (espresso + express yourself)

"Test your airbag here" (sign on rear of a vehicle)

Stexit (Staten Island + exit)

Summer Slide (summer learning regression)

"Et tu, croute?" (Caesar salad joke)

"Eternally grapefruit" (joke on "eternally grateful")

"Eternity is a ham and two people/Eternity is two people and a ham" (Irma Rombauer/Dorothy Parker?)

Etouffee (Crawfish Étouffée)

Etouffee (Crawfish Étouffée)

Eurhopium (Euro/Europe + hopium)

Euro Quake or Euroquake (Euro/Europe + earthquake)

Eurocrat (Euro/European + bureaucrat)

Euromaidan

Europocalypse (Euro/Europe + apocalypse)

EuroStash (developing a basketball player in European leagues)

Eurotrash

Eustace Tilley (The New Yorker)

EV (East Village)

Evacuation Day (November 25th)

"Even BINGO got canceled! This has never happened B4"

"Even BINGO got cancelled. This has never happened B4"

"Even duct tape can't fix stupid"

"Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound"

"Even Heaven has a wall, a gate, and extreme vetting to get in"

"Even if you are one in a million, there are eight more of you in New York"

"Even if you’re fully vaccinated, the CDC still recommends using your turn signals while driving"

"Even if you’re not conspiracy minded, something in your soul has to be telling you something..."

"Even in the warmest of hearts, there's a cold spot for the Jews"

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate" (Yogi Berra?)

"Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to"

"Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light"

"Even the leaves fall for you"

"Even turkeys fly in a strong wind" (Wall Street adage)

"Even when you make out a tax return on the level you don't know if you are a crook or a martyr"

"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' -- and then proceed to tell you why it isn't"

"Evenings are for coffee and contemplation"

"Ever had a really long week and then realize it's just Tuesday?"

"Ever had a really long week and then realize it's only Tuesday?"

"Ever had a really long week and then realize it's Tuesday?"

"Ever notice how some people talk louder when they drink? That's why alcohol is listed by volume"

"Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent..."

"Ever since I started a routine of jogging at midnight I have been running late"

"Ever wonder how one little dog controls so many larger and stronger sheep? Fear"

"Every adult needs a child to teach -- it's the way adults learn"

"Every bartender I've ever met is better at de-escalating conflict than the police"

"Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine"

"Every bull market has a copper top"

"Every calendar's days are numbered"

"Every camera is hot and every mic is live" (broadcasting adage)

"Every city, every town, burn the precinct to the ground" (anti-police protest chant)

"Every city, every town, burn the precincts to the ground" (anti-police protest chant)

"Every Cookie Needs a Belly" (Cookie Island)

"Every corpse on Mt. Everest was once an extremely motivated person"

"Every corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person"

"Every country has an army, but in Pakistan/Prussia/U.S., the army has a country"

"Every day and twice on Sunday" ("Six times a week and twice on Sunday")

"Every day is a school day" (education adage)

"Every day is leg day at the gym if you're a spider"

"Every day is one step closer to summer"

"Every day is 'Take Your Child to Work Day' when you are pregnant"

"Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day"

"Every day should start with coffee and end with ice cream"

"Every day thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon"

"Every disaster movie starts with someone ignoring a scientist"

"Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist"

"Every disaster movie starts with the president ignoring a scientist"

"Every drug recalled by the FDA was first deemed 'safe and effective by the FDA"

"Every drug recalled by the FDA was once approved by the FDA"

"Every drug that has been recalled by the FDA was first proven to be 'safe and effective'"

"Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods"

"Every empty bottle is filled with a great story"

"Every fight is a food fight if you're a cannibal"

"Every flower that bloomed had to go through a lot of dirt to get there"

"Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Boy Deserve Favor/Favour" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Boy Does Fine" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Burger Deserves Fries" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every Good Burger Deserves Fries" (EGBDF music mnemonic)

"Every government does as much harm as it can, and as much good as it must"

"Every great atrocity is the result of people just following orders"

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer"

"Every great injustice has been at the hands of someone just following orders"

"Every great oak was once a little nut that held its ground"

"Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence."

"Every kiss begins with queso"

"Every knock is a boost"

Every Landing Always Late (El Al backronymic nickname)

"Every law passed is another freedom lost"

"Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could have become beer, but didn't"

"Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough"

"Every man is innocent until proven broke"

"Every master was once a disaster"

"Every McDonald's should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken"

"Every meal is a happy meal if you leave your kids at home"

"Every morning I have a low-carb, gluten free, vegan breakfast. Coffee. It’s coffee"

"Every nation is about nine meals away from a revolution"

"Every night is election night on the sports desk"

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and meme..."

"Every now and then I fall apart" (taco meme)

"Every office should have an emergency puppy for petting just in case you're having a bad day"

"Every parking needs a parqueen"

"Every passion has its destiny"

"Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself"

"A politician ought to be born a foundling and remain a bachelor"

"Every reporter is a hope; every editor is a disappointment"

"Every restaurant be packed on Mother's Day. But they want US to bbq on Father's Day"

"Every restaurant is packed on Mother’s Day. But they want us to barbecue on Father’s Day"

"Every room is an escape room for a toddler"

"Every room is an escape room if you're drunk enough"

"Every room is an escape room if you're dumb enough"

"Every room is an escape room when you have anxiety"

"Every room is an escape room when you're an introvert"

"Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust"

"Every second is one second closer to your next ice cream"

"Every senator looks in the mirror and sees a president"

"Every shot pleases someone" (golf adage)

"Every state is my enemy, but no people are my enemy"

"Every strike brings me closer to the next home run"

"Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough"

"Every summer has a story"

"Every summer has its own story (but mine is a novel)"

"Every sunken ship has a chart room"

"Every teacher before they draw on the board: 'I'm not an artist'"

"Every thinking person will vote for you."/"But I need a majority!"

"Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch" (joke)

"Every time a hand reaches out to help another...that is Christmas"

"Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea"

"Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up"

"Every time I cough I hear words like knight bishop pawn & queen. Dr. said I had a chess infection"

"Every time I drink Magners or Bulmers I start swearing like a trooper. I must be suffering from cider fecks"

"Every time I drive in the rain, I check other drivers' wipers..."

"Every time I eat a salad I'm like, my life better change after this"

"Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton"

"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate"

"Every time I jog, I meet new people. Of course, they're usually paramedics"

"Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator"

"Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They're usually paramedics, but new people"

"Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout..."

"Every time someone goes into a deli and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies"

"Every time Taco Bell rings, an angel gets the runs"

"Every time the government shifts left, the decimal point in the national debt moves to the right"

"Every time the Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea"

"Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win"

"Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory"

"Every time you make a typo, the errorists win"

"Every time you say 'vinegar,' you say the n-word"

"Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles"

"Every twenty minute job is one broken bolt away from becoming a three day ordeal"

"Every workplace should have an emergency puppy for petting just in case you're having a bad day"

"Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia"

"Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school, never to be heard from again"

"Every year on NYE I think 'no way they can turn this number into glasses' & every year I am wrong"

"Every year Santa delivers presents to kids based on what their parents' income is"

"Every year you make a resolution to change yourself. This year, make a resolution to be yourself"

"Everybody bites on the Big Apple" lyric in the Cat Stevens song "New York Times" (1978)

"Everybody bites on the Big Apple" lyric in the Cat Stevens song "New York Times" (1978)

"Everybody has two businesses -- his own business and show business"

"Everybody hates math until that paycheck looks a little funny"

"Everybody hates math until that paycheck looks funny now y'all know Calculus"

"Everybody hates white people, but everybody wants to live in their neighborhood"

"Everybody invited and nobody slighted!"

"Everybody makes mistakes -- that's why they put erasers on pencils"

"Everybody ought to have a Lower East Side in their life"

"Everybody says stealing is wrong. Personally, I don't buy it"

"Everybody wants to be a diamond, but very few are willing to get cut"

"Everybody wants to be a patriot until it's time to do patriot shit"

"Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to change the toilet paper roll"

"Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes"

"Everybody wants to get into the act"

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die"

"Everybody wants to shine, but no one wants to polish"

"Everyone brings joy to this office. Some when they enter, others when they leave"

"Everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about until the tequila is poured"

"Everyone has a plan until they've been hit" (boxing adage)

"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege"

"Everyone has a tequila story"

"Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document"

"Everyone hates millennials until they need help on the computer"

"Everyone here brings happiness—some by coming in, others by leaving"

"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts"

"Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day"

"Everyone knows about the Secret Service"

"Everyone looks good in shorts" (football adage)

"Everyone reads the false report and no one reads the correction"

"Everyone says I talk too much and should get help, so I started attending On & On Anon meetings"

"Everyone says they're a patriot until it's time to do patriot shit"

"Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink"

"Everyone talks about being a patriot until it's time to do patriot shit"

"Everyone thinks politicians are corrupt, except the ones they vote for"

"Everyone thinks they are an expert in education because they went to school"

"Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain"

"Everyone wants to be a patriot until it's time to do patriot shit"

"Everyone wants to be a patriot until it's time to do patriot stuff"

"Everyone wants to be a patriot until it's time to do patriot things"

"Everyone wants to be black until the cops show up"

"Everyone who drinks coffee in the morning is psychotic..."

"Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot"

Gorilla (grilled cheese sandwich)

"Everyone who's for abortion has already been born"

"Everything bagel seasoning is the stripper glitter of the culinary world"

"Everything bagels are just glitter bombs for your kitchen"

"Everything bagels are the glitter of the bagel world"

"Everything bagels are the glitter of the breakfast world"

"Everything bagels are the glitter of the food world"

"Everything becomes a lesson when you're open to learn"

"Everything but the kitchen sink" (Jahn's "Kitchen Sink" dessert)

"Everything but the kitchen stove"

"Everything but the oink"

"Everything but the squeal"

"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits"

"Everything for summer is canceled. May as well just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year"

"Everything 'free' is paid for by someone who works"

"Everything happens for a Riesling"

"Everything I cook turns to shit"

"Everything I don't like must be banned. Everything I do like is a human right..."

"Everything I don't like must be banned. Everything I like is a human right and must be paid for..."

"Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or doesn't text me back"

"Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or 'just a friend'"

"Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or won't text me back"

"Everything I really need to know about Islam, I learned on September 11th, 2001"

"Everything in moderation. Except bacon"

"Everything in moderation. Except coffee"

"Everything is cancelled. You know what's not cancelled? Laundry. Laundry is never cancelled"

"Everything is closing so I'm opening a strip club/breakfast diner/daycare: Tits, Grits & Babysits"

"Everything on a Bagel" (Ess-a-Bagel)

"Everything that can be invented has been invented"

"Everything that has made you an outsider in the dying culture has prepared you..."

"Everything we eat is processed sunshine"

"Everything woke turns to shit"

"Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti" (Italian actress Sophia Loren)

"Everything's bigger in Texas"

"Everything's chicken but the gravy"

"Everything's funnier when you're not allowed to laugh"

"Everywhere You Go" (Duane Reade)

"'Evian' spelled backwards is 'naive'"

"Evil does not exist within a gun"

EVil (East Village)

"Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid"

Evil Union (European Union or EU nickname)

Evilarchy (evil + oligarchy)

EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil)

"Ev'ry Street's a Boulevard in Old New York" (1953)

"Ew, 2020"

"When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey...she's a keeper"

Ewing Theory

"Ex-presidents are like Chinese vases -- beautiful, valuable, and near-useless"

"Exactly how long is a cotton picking minute?"

Excelsior

"Exceptions prove the rule -- and wreck the budget"

"Excrement living on increment"

"Excuse me, how do I get to a hospital quickly?"/"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."

"Excuses are like armpits. Everyone has them, and they all stink"

"Excuses are the nails used to build the house of failure"

"Excuses are the rocks where our dreams are crushed"

"Excuses don't burn calories"

"Excuses don't construct monuments. Action does"

"Excuses don't save animals"

"Execute justice, not people"

"Exercise because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Exercise bikes get you nowhere"

"Exercise can add years to your life" (joke)

"Exercise changes the outside. Running changes the inside"

"Exercise...eggs are sides...for bacon"

"Exercise...eggs are sides...for bacon"

"Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra fries"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra fries"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra rice"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra rice"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra slice"

"Exercise? I thought you said extra slice"

"Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate"

"Exercise is bunk -- if you are healthy, you don't need it"

"Exercise is just self-harm, but with benefits"

"Exercise is more difficult the more you need it"

"Exercise makes you look better naked. So does tequila. Your choice"

"Exercise makes you look better naked. So does alcohol. Your choice"

"Exercise should be regarded as tribute to the heart"

"Exercising for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 60%"

"Exercising for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 70%"

"Exercising would be much more bearable with a progress bar"

Exhaustipated (exhausted + constipated)

"Exit signs are on the way out"

"Exit, stage left"

Ex-Lax Fish (escolar nickname)

"Expectations are premeditated resentments"

"Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute"

Expendables (children in drug smuggling operations)

"Experience gives us the tests first and the lessons later"

"Experience is a comb that life gives you after you lose your hair"

"Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high"

"Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again"

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted"

"Explain it to me like I wear a mask alone in my car"

"Explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car"

Explosion Coast

Explosionism (art of explosions)

Express/Local Trains - what to do with minutes saved?

Extend-and-Pretend

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" (newsboy shout)

"Extra virgin olive oil implies the existence of extra Chad olive oil"

"Extra virgin olive oil implies the existence of extra slutty olive oil"

Extremely Pathetic Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

"Eyes hurt from excess screen time? There's a nap for that"

"Eyes of Texas" Salad

"Eyes of Texas" (University of Texas alma mater)

"Eyes on the road and your head out of your apps" (transportation message)

"Eyes on the street" (Jane Jacobs, 1961)

Eyewitness News

"F/8 and be there" (photography adage)

FAANG (Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix and Google)

Fabulous Invalid (Broadway nickname)

"Facebook be like, 'What's on your mind?' then ban you for saying it"

Face Diaper (face mask)

Face Nappy (face mask)

"Face your problems, don't Facebook them"

"Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Facebook doesn't ban hate speech. Facebook bans speech it hates"

Facebook Hotel (Pod Hotel)

"Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats"

"Facebook is cool because you can say something to no one in particular and offend everyone"

"Facebook is like a fridge..."

"Facebook is like jail" (joke)

"Facebook just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Facebook just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Facebook: Where idiots complain about other idiots being idiots"

Facon or Fakon (fake + bacon)

"Fact checkers did not exist until we began shining our light on their darkness"

"Fact checkers didn't even exist until the ugly truth started to get out"

"Fact checkers didn't exist until the truth started coming out"

"Fact checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out"

"Fact checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out"

"Fact: Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead"

Fact Finder for the Nation (Bureau of the Census moniker)

"Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable"

"Facts tell, stories sell" (marketing adage)

"Fail fast, fail often" (business adage)

Fail Mary (fail + Hail Mary pass; 2023 NY Jets football play)

"Failed a job interview last week. Apparently a gangbang isn’t proof you can work in a team"

"Failed at making an omelet, so now I'm having scrambled eggs"

"Failure is an event -- not a person"

"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with Windows"

"Failure is not the opposite of success. It is part of success"

"Failure is success in progress"

"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor"

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement"

"Fair to Midland" (pun on "fair to middling")

Fairly Ridiculous (Fairleigh Dickinson University nickname)

"Fairy tales are real. I drink a potion made from magic beans and it brings me back to life"

"Fairy tales used to start with 'Once upon a time...' Today, "According to experts...'"

"Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel"

"Faith, family and football" ("God, family and football")

"Faith makes all things possible; hope makes all things work"

Faithwashing (faith + whitewashing)

Fajita

Fajita Friday

Fajitadilla (Fajita + Quesadilla)

Fake and Rake

"Fake bacon is for people who think eating meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder"

Fake Bureau of Investigation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fake Check (fake + fact check); Fakecheck

Fake Checker (fake + fact checker); Fakechecker

Fake Checking (fake + fact checking); Fakechecking

"Fake it till you make it"

"Fake laughing with customers is a real skill"

"Fake laughing with customers is a skill"

"Fake laughing with customers is actually a job skill, add it to your CV"

"Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill"

"Fake laughing with customers is another skill"

"Fake laughing with customers is really a skill"

"Fake meat is for people who think meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder"

"Fake meat substitutes are for people who think eating meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder"

Fake News Channel (Fox News Channel nickname)

Fake News Channel (Fox News Channel nickname)

"Fake news media is the virus"

Fake Spike (by the Miami Dolphins against the New York Jets, 1994)

Fakeaway (fake + takeaway)

Fakebook (Facebook nickname)

Fakecheck (fake + factcheck); Fake Check

Fakechecker (fake + factchecker); Fake Checker

Fakechecking (fake + factchecking); Fake Checking

Fakedemic (fake + pandemic)

Fakestream Media (fake news + mainstream media); FSM (fake + MSM)

Faketriot (fake + patriot)

FakeX (SpaceX nickname)

"Falafel are Mediterranean hush puppies"

"Falafel are Middle Eastern hush puppies"

Falafel or Felafel

Fall Classic (baseball's World Series)

Fall for Dance Festival (NY City Center)

"Fall has always been my favorite season. The time when everything bursts with its last beauty"

"Fall in love with your bills and maybe they'll leave you, too"

"Fall is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off at night, then..."

"Fall is sweater weather, crunchy leaves, and pumpkin spice everything"

"Fall off the turnip truck" (to be naive, uninformed)

"Fall off the turnip wagon" (to be naive, uninformed)

"Fall vibe: drinking too much coffee on an empty stomach & visibly shaking til dinner"

Fallen Angel

"Falling down is an accident. Staying down is a choice"

"Falling on your face is still moving forward"

Falloon (float + balloon)

Fallout Friday

False Alarm Chili (1-Alarm Chili; 2-Alarm Chili; 3-Alarm Chili)

False Education Appearing Real ("fear" backronym)

False Flag

"Fame" (1980)

"Family is like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts"

Famous But Incompetent (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fan (sports enthusiast)

"Fancy Restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose"

Fandom

FANG (Facebook, Amazon, Netflix and Google)

Fannie Mae (Federal National Mortgage Association)

Fanrageous (fan + outrageous)

"Fans don't boo nobodies"

Fansville

"Fanta is a poor man's Orange Crush"

"Fanta is a poor man's Orangina"

"Fanta is a poor man's Sunkist"

FANTA or FANTAsy (Facebook, Amazon, Netflix, Tesla and Alphabet)

Fantasecond

Far Rockaway Cough

Fare-beater

Farm Fresh

Farm-to-Table

Farmer John Cheese (parmesan cheese)

Farmer Mac (Federal Agricultural Mortgage Corporation)

Farmers' Market

"Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong"

"Farted on my wallet and now I have gas money"

"Farted on my wallet and now I have gas money"

Fartichoke (fart + Jerusalem artichoke)

"Farting in bed is just sheet music"

"Farts are just food ghosts"

"Farts are the ghosts of the things we eat"

"Fascism is capitalism in decay"

"Fascism is capitalism plus murder"

Fascist Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fascist Bureau of Investigation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fascistbook (fascist + Facebook)

Fashion Avenue; Fashion Capital of the World

Fashion Bible (Vogue magazine nickname)

Fashion Bible (Women's Wear Daily nickname)

"Fashion changes more frequently than the weather"

Fashion Victim (FV)

Fashion Week ("7th on 6th")

Fashionista

Fast Casual Restaurant

"Fast. cheap, good -- pick any two"

Fast Fine (fast food/fast casual + fine dining)

Fast Food (Fast Food Restaurant)

"Fast food implies the existence of furious food"

"Fast food is an oxymoron"

Fat Antonio (San Antonio nickname)

Fat Apple (fat + Big Apple)

Fat Bitches Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fat Cat (Fatcat)

Fat City

Fat Finger

Fat Goldfinger (fat finger + gold/Goldfinger)

"Fat is flavor' ("Fat equals flavor")

Fat Letter (presumed admissions acceptance letter)

"Fat people aren't marginalized. They're buttered"

"Fat people who get offended by fat jokes should lighten up"

Fat Shaming

"Fat, single and ready for a Pringle"

Fat Tax

Fatacular

Fatal Drugs Allowed (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Fatdonalds (fat + McDonald's)

Father And Mother I Love You ("family" backronym)

Father Knickerbocker

Father of Texas (Stephen F. Austin); Father of Texas Day (Nov. 3)

Father of the Texas Panhandle (Charles Goodnight; George Tyng)

"Father Time is undefeated" (sports adage)

Father's Day in Harlem (racist joke)

"Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only cheaper"

"Fatigue makes cowards of us all"

Fauci Ouchie (Covid-19 vaccination, after Dr. Anthony Fauci)

Faultitasking (fault + multitasking)

Faux News (Fox News nickname)

Faux News (Fox News nickname)

Fox Spews or Faux Spews (Fox News nickname)

Fauxnut (faux + cronut/donut)

FauxPEC (faux + OPEC)

Fauxpology (faux apology)

Fauxsterity (faux + austerity)

Fauxterity (faux + austerity)

Fauxthor (faux author)

Fauxvid-19 (faux + COVID-19)

Fauxvid-1984 (faux + COVID-19 + Nineteen Eighty-Four)

Favoritism Before Integrity (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

"Faygo is a poor man's Fanta"

FBI (football intelligence/instincts)

FBLie (FBI + lie)

FCINO (Fiscal Conservative In Name Only)

"F@ck the s@ck" (FTS)

FDA-hole (Food and Drug Administration + asshole)

"FDA issues warning about black licorice for Halloween: 'It tastes like shit'"

"Fear and greed move markets" (Wall Street proverb)

Fear City

"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision"

"Fear is temporary, greed is permanent"

"Fear is temporary; regret is forever"

"Fear is the currency of control"

"Fear the star" (Dallas Cowboys fan saying)

Fear Trade

Feast of San Gennaro

Feast With Famous Faces

Feastival (feast + festival)

Feather Test

Febezzler (finance + embezzler); Febezzlement; Febezzle

Febrewary (February + brew)

Fed Bois or Fedbois (federal government + boys)

Fed (Federal Reserve)

Fed Up

Fed Whisperer

Fedapalooza (Federal Reserve + lollapalooza)

Fedbug (federal government + bug/bedbug)

Fedcrat or Feducrat (federal government + bureaucrat)

Federal Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bullshit Investigations (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bureau of Incompetency (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bureau of Insurrectionists (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bureau of Intimidation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bureau of Political Investigation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Censorship Commission (Federal Communications Commission or FCC nickname)

Federal Communist Commission (Federal Communications Commission or FCC nickname)

Federal Death Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Federal Disinformation Agency (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Federal Dumb Asses (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Federal Emergency Mismanagement Agency (Federal Emergency Management Agency or FEMA nickname)

"Federal Reserve Note: Monopoly money backed by the violence of the state"

#Fedgibberish (Federal Reserve + gibberish)

Fedian Slip (Federal Reserve + Freudian slip)

Fedology (Fedologist)

Fedspeak

Fedstapo (federal government + Gestapo)

Fedster (Federal Reserve + -ster)

Fedtifa (federal government + Antifa)

Fedury (Federal Reserve + U.S. Department of the Treasury)

Fedzilla (federal government + Godzilla)

FeeBank (KeyBank nickname)

"Feed a pigeon, breed a rat"

"Feed me and tell me I'm pretty"

"Feed me tacos and tell me I'm pretty"

"Feedback is the breakfast is champions"

Feel-Good Story

"Feel Like a Kid Again!!" (Uncle Louie G's)

"Feeling downie? Eat a brownie!"

"Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father"

"Feet first, stick second" (lacrosse adage)

"Fellow-countrymen, follow me to yonder saloon!" (shortest-ever Texas political speech?)

Fellow Traveler or Fellow Traveller (Communist sympathizer)

Felon City; Wicked Sticks; Kliffside (Bacliff nicknames)

"FEMA is the new F-word"

Female Body Inspector (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

"Female wanted; must have own pub. Apply with inn"

"Female wanted; must have your own pub. Apply with inn"

Feminazi (feminist + Nazi)

Femivore

"Fencing takes two lifetimes to master"

"Fencing: The perfect Covid-19 sport. 1. masks 2. gloves 3. closer than 6ft, you stab them"

Fender Bender (minor automobile accident)

Feral Reserve (Federal Reserve nickname)

Fermentastic (ferment + fantastic)

Ferraro (answering questions until there are none left)

"Ferrero Rocher is Italian for Nutella balls"

"Ferrero Rocher is just a crunchy Nutella"

"Ferrero Rocher is just expensive Nutella"

"Ferrero Rocher is just fancy Nutella"

"Ferrero Rocher is literally just deconstructed Nutella"

"Ferrero Rocher is Nutella for adults"

Fetashist (feta + fetishist)

Fettuccine Alfredo

"Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults"

"Few die and none resign"

"Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form"

"Few people know this, but the tiny pocket on your jeans is for your salary"

"Few skills are so well rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims"

Fexit (federal + exit)

Fexit (federal + exit)

FHB (Family Hold Back); MIK (More In the Kitchen)

Fiatsco (fiat money + fiasco)

"Fickle as a pickle"

Fiddler General ("Couldn't get elected Fiddler General")

FiDi (Financial District)

Fidouchebag (fiduciary/finance + douchebag)

"Field hockey is aggressive golf"

"Field hockey is combat golf"

"Field hockey is extreme golf"

"Field hockey is fast golf"

"Field hockey is running golf"

Field-to-Fork

Fiesta City or Fiesta Capital (San Antonio nickname)

"Fiesta. Siesta. Repeat"

"Fiesta. Siesta. Tequila. Repeat"

Fifth Avenue Mile

Fifth Taste or Fifth Flavor (umami)

"Fifty female pigs plus fifty male deer equals one hundred sows and bucks"

Fifty-First State

"Fig Newtons are essentially bite-size Nutri-Grain bars"

"Fig Newtons are just short Nutri-Grain bars"

"Fight 4 your freedom like you fought 4 toilet paper"

"Fight a boxer and box a fighter" (boxing adage)

"Fight air pollution. Gag a liberal!"

"Fight crime -- shoot back"

"Fight for your freedom like you fought for toilet paper"

"Fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark"

"Fight mouthwash. Eat garlic"

Fight of the Century (boxing billing)

"Fighter jet implies the existence of rogue jet, wizard jet and cleric jet"

"Fighter jets imply the existence of lover jets"

"Fighters don't retire from the ring; the ring retires fighters" (boxing adage)

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"

FIGMO (Forget It, Got My Orders)

Filet Minion (filet mignon + minion)

Filet Minyan (filet mignon + minyan)

Filibluster (filibuster + bluster)

Filibuster

"Filibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around"

"Filipino by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches"

FIMBY (Fuck, It's in My Back Yard)

Final Four (four remaining tournament players or teams)

"Finalist is a way nicer word than loser"

"Finalist is another word for loser"

"Finalist is the first loser"

"Finally, my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls"

"Finally, my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls"

Financial District

Financial Hydrogen Bombs (derivatives)

"Financial Services for the Greater Good" (TIAA-CREF)

Financial Weapons of Mass Destruction (derivatives)

"Find a job you like and you add five days to every week"

"Find a need and fill it" (six-word success formula)

"Find someone who makes you feel the same way music does"

"Find something worth dying for, then live for it"

"Finding a hair in your food is much worse if you're bald"

"Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver"

"Finding a mask in your pocket is the new finding $5 in your pocket"

"Fine as cream gravy"

Finest, Bravest, Strongest, Boldest, Best, Proudest (New York City superlatives)

Finger Building

Finger Food

"Finger-lickin' good"

Finger Steak

"Finish last in medical school and they call you 'doctor'" (Texas basketball coach Abe Lemons)

"Finish your salad. A thousand islands died to make that dressing"

Finishiative (finish + initiative)

FinMin (finance minister or finance ministry)

Finntown

Fire Buff

Fire Department's Maltese Cross

FIRE (Finance, Insurance, Real Estate) & ICE (Intellectual, Cultural, Educational)

"Firearms imply the existence of eartharms, windarms, and waterarms"

"Firearms...are the American people's liberty teeth" (George Washington?)

Firebagger (FireDogLake + teabagger)

Firecracker Applesauce

"Firefighters never want the option of working from home"

"Firefighters run into a burning building when everyone else is running out"

Firegeddon (fire + Armageddon)

Firemelon (fire + melon; jocular formation after "watermelon")

"Firings will continue until morale improves" (personnel policy joke)

First Attempt In Learning ("fail" backronym)

First "Big Apple" explanation: February 18, 1924

First "Big Apple" citation: May 3, 1921

First Cat (cat of the president of the United States)

First City of the West (Minneapolis); Last City of the East (St. Paul)

"First coffee and then the world"

"First coffee, then on to today's episode of 'Now what?'"

"First coffee, then presents"

"First coffee, then the world"

"First coffee, then we move on to today's episode of 'Now what?'"

"First day running my family fruit & veg delivery service and my wife is already driving me bananas"

First Dog (dog of the president of the United States)

"First draft of history" (journalism)

"First get on, then get honor, then get honest"

"First I drink the coffee. Then I do the things"

"First I drink the coffee. Then I save the lives"

"First I drink the coffee. Then I teach the kids"

First In, Still Here (FISH)

"First is first and second is last" (sports adage)

"First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the treasure chest"

First Lady (president's wife)

First Lady of Musical Comedy

First Lady of Musical Theatre (First Lady of British Musical Theatre)

First Lady of the Musical Theater

First Lady of the Theater (First Lady of the Theatre)

First Lady (spare ribs)

First Monday Trade Days (Horse Monday; Dog Monday)

First National Bank of Bumfuck, Egypt (fictional remote bank)

First On Race Day (Ford backronymic nickname)

"First-rate people hire first-rate people; second-rate people hire third-rate people"

"First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want"

"First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want"

"First rule of gun safety: Never let the government take your guns"

"First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato"

"First rule of Vegan Club: You tell everyone about Vegan Club"

"First the free market dies, then dies democracy"

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win"

"First to Conquer Living Space" (Castro Convertibles)

"First we overlook evil. Then we permit evil. Then we legalize evil. Then we promote evil..."

"First, you make a roux..."

Fiscal Cancer (budget deficits and government debt)

Fiscal Child Abuse (deficit spending)

Fiscal Cliff

FisCon (Fiscal Conservative)

Fish Building (1150 Grand Concourse)

Fish Eyes or Fisheyes (tapioca nickname)

"Fish make excellent brain food, probably because they travel in schools"

"Fish n' chips should always come with tartar sauce. It's basically codified law"

"Fish sticks are the chicken nuggets of seafood"

"Fish sticks are the chicken nuggets of the sea"

"Fish sticks imply the existence of fish trees"

Fish Taco (Lobster Taco)

Fish-Wrap or Fish-Wrapper (a bad newspaper, good only to "wrap fish in")

FISHDO (Fuck It, Shit Happens -- Drive On); FISHMO (Fuck It, Shit Happens -- Move On)

"Fishing business is simple. All you have to do is get there yesterday when the fish were biting"

Fishing Expedition

"Fishing is a humbling sport"

"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting"

"Fishing lures are made to catch fishermen, not fish"

"Fishing poles were the first tools used to get food online"

Fitacular (fit/fitness + spectacular)

Fitchslap or Fitch Slap (Fitch + bitch slap)

"Fitness for Women" (Lucille Roberts)

"Fitness is 20% exercise and 80% nutrition. You can’t outrun your fork"

"Fitness is 20% exercise and 80% nutrition. You can’t outrun your fork"

"Fitness is not about being better than someone else"

"Fitness? More like, fitness this whole pizza in my mouth"

"Fitness? More like, fitness this whole pizza in my mouth"

Fitspiration (fitness + inspiration)

Fitspo (fitness + inspiration)

Five and Ten Cent Store (5 & 10, or Five and Dime)

Five Apple Seeds, Five Boroughs (1990s?)

"Five bores and a sadist" (political committee composition)

Five-Cent Series (Five-Cent World Series)

Five Guys Boogers and Flies (Five Guys Burgers and Fries nickname)

"Five percent of people think, ten percent of people think they think"

Five Points

Five-Second Rule (for food dropped on the floor)

"Five S's of wine tasting: See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip and Spit (or Swallow)"

Five-Tool Player (a complete baseball player)

Fivek ("fork" with five prongs/tines)

Fix Be In (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fix Everything My Ass (Federal Emergency Management Agency or FEMA nickname)

Fix It Again, Tony (Fiat backronymic nickname)

Fix Or Repair Daily (Ford backronymic nickname)

Fixed News (Fox News nickname)

Fixed News (Fox News nickname)

Fixed Noise (Fox News nickname)

Fixed Noise (Fox News nickname)

Fixens; Fixins; Fixings

Fixer-upper

Fixin' to

"'Fixin' to' is the national verb of Texas"

"'Fixin' to' is the official verb of Texas"

"'Fixin' to' is the state verb of Texas"

"Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass"

Fizzician (fizz + physician)

Flag City (Edna nickname)

Flagel (Flat Bagel, or Flat)

"Flan is the Mexican crème brûlée"

"Flan is the Spanish crème brûlée"

Flappachino (flap + cappuccino)

Flapper Pie

Flappuccino (flap + cappuccino)

Flapuccino (flap + cappuccino)

Flaquita (Flaco; Flaquities)

Flaquito

Flash Crash

Flash Drought

Flash Flood Alley

"Flash for cash" (auto insurance fraud)

Flash Mobbery or Flashmobbery (flash mob + robbery)

Flashpacking

Flat Broke

Flat Earther

Flatbush Diabetes

Flatbush Frolic

Flatbusher (inhabitant of Flatbush, Brooklyn)

Flatiron District (Flatiron Building)

"Flatulence is exhausting"

Flauta

Flavor Town (Flavortown)

Flavorgasm (flavor + orgasm)

"Flavortown implies the existence of Blandcity"

"Flavortown implies the existence of Blandtown"

Flea Party (Fleabagger)

Fleabagger (flea + teabagger)

Fleabay (eBay nickname)

"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can"

Fleebagger (flee + teabagger/fleabagger)

Fleet Week

Fletcher Henderson popularization of "the Big Apple" in the 1930s

Flexian

Flexitarian

"Flies for the guys" (weightlifting saying)

"Flight attendants go to boarding school"

"Flight attendants go to boarding school"

Flight to Quality

Flightilla (flight + flotilla)

Flightmare (flight + nightmare)

Flip-Flop (Flip-Flopper)

Flip Tax

"Flirting on the internet: it's all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

Floasted (flavor + toasted)

Floater Coffee (cream coffee)

Floating Head (Douglas Manor swimmer)

Floccinaucinihilipilificationism

Floor D’oeuvre (floor + hors d’oeuvre)

Flopcorn (unpopped corn kernel)

Floperetta (flop + operetta)

Floribbean (Florida + Caribbean)

Florida Glare (fiction genre)

"Florida kilos imply the existence of Florida ounces"

"Florida -- Land of Good Living"

"Florida -- Land of Newlyweds and Nearly Deads"

Florida Ounces (joke about "fl. oz." or fluid ounces)

"Florida ounces imply the existence of California ounces"

Florida Ounces (joke about "fl. oz." or fluid ounces)

Florida Room

"Florida -- The Rules Are Different Here"

"Florida weather be throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers"

Floriduh (Florida + duh)

Floss or Flossy (Canarsie, Brooklyn)

FLOTUS (First Lady Of The United States)

Flour Tortilla

Flower Market/District & FloMa

Flowerpots (baked Alaska)

"Flowers grow back even after they are stepped on. So will I"

Flu Fence (face mask)

Flu Manchu (flu + Fu Manchu)

Flubro (flu + brother)

Fluff Duff

Flurona (flu + coronavirus)

"Flush twice -- Houston needs the water" (Dallas saying)

Flushingite (inhabitant of Flushing, Queens)

Fluther (flu + truther)

Fly-up-the-Creek (Florida nickname)

"Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous" (aviation joke)

Flying Waiter (food delivery helicopter)

Flying Wedge (formation of Jack's restaurant waiters)

Flytilla (fly + flotilla)

Foam the Runway

"Fog in Channel; Continent Cut Off" (UK newspaper headline joke)

"Fog in Channel; Continent Isolated" (UK newspaper headline joke)

Foggy Bottom

FoHi (Forest Hills)

"Foible. In England, it's a minor eccentricity in character. In New York, it's what a cat pukes"

Foie Gras of the Sea (ankimo or monkfish liver)

Foie-mageddon (foie gras + Armageddon)

"Folks are mad at exactly one half of the ruling class and insist the other half will save us"

"Folks crying about a $3 gallon of gas while in line for $5 cup of coffee"

"Folks crying about a $4 gallon of gas while in line for $6 cup of coffee"

"Folks spend their health to acquire wealth and later spend their wealth to regain their health"

"Follow me to freshness" (H-E-B food truck slogan)

Follow One Course Until Successful ("focus" backronym)

"Follow the bunny. He has the chocolate"

"Follow the money"

"'Follow the money' is much wiser advice than 'follow the science'"

"Follow the science by following the silenced"

"Follow the silenced"

"Follow your heart, but take a coffee with you"

"Follow your heart, but take coffee with you"

Following Biden's Instructions (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

FOMOF (Fear Of Missing Out on Football)

FOMOH or FOMOOH (Fear Of Missing Out on Hockey)

"Fondue is just cheese and bread, my friend"

"Fondue is just French queso"

"Fondue is just Swiss queso"

Foochebag (foodie + douchebag)

Food Activism (Food Activist)

"Food before one is just for fun"

Food Coma

Food Court

"Food courts imply the existence of food jails"

"Food courts imply the existence of food jesters"

"Food courts imply the existence of food judges, food juries and food executioners"

"Food courts imply the existence of food prisons"

"Food courts should have food lawyers and food judges"

Food Critic

"Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things..." (joke)

Food Deplorium (Food Emporium nickname)

Food Desert

Food Douche

"Food. Eat it quick or you will have to share it"

Food Extortium or Food Extortion (Food Emporium nickname)

Food Fight

Food for the Gods

Food for the Gods

"Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing"

"Food for thought: Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?"

Food Hole (Whole Foods nickname)

"Food is a great garnish for a glass of wine"

"Food is a weapon. Don't waste it! Buy wisely. Cook carefully. Eat it all"

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet"

"Food is essential to life; therefore, make it good"

"Food is just a tasty laxative"

"Food is like dark humor. Not everyone gets it"

"Food is our common ground, a universal experience"

"Food is the most abused anti-anxiety drug. Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant"

"Food is the most abused anti-anxiety drug. Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant"

"Food is the most primitive form of comfort"

"Food, love, mother and career -- the four basic guilt groups"

"Food Lover's Market" (Balducci's)

"Food makers really missed an opportunity not calling vegetarian meatballs 'Vegtaballs'"

Food of the Gods (Ambrosia)

Food Oscars (James Beard Foundation Awards)

"Food, People, Heart & Soul" (United Supermarkets slogan)

Food Rake (fork nickname)

Food Security (Food Insecurity)

Food Sherpa

Food Swamp

"Food tastes better cooked outdoors"

"Food tastes better in small houses"

"Food tastes better when I'm watching TV"

"Food tastes better when you're watching TV"

"Food trucks are pretty popular, but I don't know if I trust a restaurant with a get-away plan"

"Food trucks should park outside every restaurant requiring vaccination cards"

"Food trucks should start parking outside of restaurants that require a vaccine pass"

Food Wall (eating endurance limit)

Foodball (food + football)

Foodflation (food + inflation)

Foodfucked or Food Fucked

Foodgasm (food + orgasm)

Foodie

Foodie Call (foodie + booty call)

Foodieotical (foodie + periodical)

Foodiot (foodie + idiot)

Foodisphere

FoodPolitik (food + realpolitik)

"Foods before dudes" ("Food before dudes")

Foodstagram (food + Instagram)

Foodstapo (food + Gestapo)

"Fool me 350,000 times, you are a weather man"

"Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice"

"Fools rush in and get the best seats"

"Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade"

"Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade"

"Football always has been reflective of modern life — violence punctuated by committee meetings"

Football Bat (Hockey Cleats; Hockey Court)

"Football...bloody hell" (soccer saying)

"Football fans who wear jerseys: sports cosplay"

"Football fields are for band practice"

"Football fields are just very big rulers"

"Football games are won and lost in the trenches" (football adage)

"Football is 22 people on the field who need rest and 22,000 people in the stands who need exercise"

"Football is a gentleman's game played by ruffians; rugby is a ruffian's game played by gentlemen"

"Football is not just a matter of life and death; it's much more important than that"

"Football never stops"

Football-Shaped Pizza (Football Pizza)

"Footballers spend 90 min. pretending to be hurt. Rugby players spend 80 min. pretending not to be"

Footlong (Foot-long)

"For a slutty Halloween costume, dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important"

"(Not for) All the tea in China"

"For better digestion, I drink beer. In case of appetite loss, I drink white wine..." (joke)

"For breakfast today, I made a Belgian waffle. For lunch, I’m planning to make a French person..."

"For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It's the little things that count"

"For Christmas, I've got my wife a telepathic abacus. It's the thought that counts"

"For dinner, we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew. That rabbit, found Himalayan on the road"

"For each petal on the shamrock, this brings a wish your way..." (Irish saying)

"For every action, there is a social media overreaction"

"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program"

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, plus a social media overreaction"

"For every human illness, somewhere in the world there exists a plant which is the cure"

"For every human illness, there exists a plant which is the cure"

"For every Rich Tea biscuit, there are currently thousands of tea biscuits living in poverty"

"For every snowflake that falls, an idiot forgets how to drive"

"For four years, I went to a child psychologist. That kid didn't help me at all"

"For God so loved the world that He didn't send a committee"

"For Halloween, I’m going to go as a normal person with no mask"

"For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Facebook"

"For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Instagram"

"For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on social media"

"For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Twitter"

"For Lease Navidad" (pun on "Feliz Navidad")

"For legal reasons, everything I post on Facebook is a joke"

"For legal reasons, everything I post on Twitter is a joke"

"For legal reasons, everything I tweet is a joke"

"For lunch today, I just put some ham and pineapple in a bap. Because that's Hawaii roll"

"For many people, 'live and learn' is one task too many"

"For me, chess is a lot like Tinder. I know a few openings, but struggle at mating"

"For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles"

"For men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen..." (joke)

"For my next trick, I will disappear. 'Fuck you, pear! You taste like shit!'"

"For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please"

"For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please"

"For once, I'd just like to spiral into control"

"For once I'd like to get kicked INTO a bar"

"For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid" (joke)

"For Pete's sake" ("For the love of Pete")

"For problems there is money. For solutions there is only innovation and ideas"

"For Sale: a thick layer of dust. As seen on TV"

"For Sale: Broken Quiz Machine. No questions asked"

"For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me 'the most secretive guy' in the office" (joke)

"For the hay and the corn and the wheat that is reaped" (Thanksgiving poem)

"For the love of Mike"

"For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family?"

"For those who have lost track, today is Blursday the fortyteenth of Maprilay"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"

"Forced to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation"

"Forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions"

"Forecheck, backcheck, paycheck" (three most important elements of pro hockey)

"Foreign aid is a euphemism for money laundering"

"Foreign aid is a fancy name for money laundering"

"Foreign aid is code for money laundering"

"Foreign aid is just another term for money laundering"

"Foreign aid is money transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries"

"Foreign aid is the politically correct term for money laundering"

Forest City

Forever Demanding Increased Capital (Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation or FDIC nickname)

Forever (F subway line)

"Forever (n): The period of time it takes for the coffee to brew"

Forever Recession

"Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning"

"Forget about changing the world. Once you're married, you can't even change the TV channel"

"Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal"

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here" (joke)

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here" (joke)

"Forget love -- I'd rather fall in chocolate"

Forget The Consumer (Federal Trade Commission or FTC nickname)

"Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal"

"Forgive me Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest... for I have Synonymed"

"Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names"

"Forgot how expensive outside is" (after quarantine)

"Forgot how expensive outside was" (after quarantine)

Forgotten Borough (Staten Island)

Forgotten Vitamin (Vitamin K nickname)

"Fork yeah"

Forkage Fee (Cakeage Fee)

"Forklift operators do not care for puns. They find them unpalletable"

"Form follows finance" (architecture adage)

"Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune"

Fornicaboobery (Fornickaboobery)

Forosophobia (fear of taxes and the IRS)

Fort Apache (41st Police Precinct in the Bronx nickname)

Fort Fumble (Pentagon nickname)

Fort Greener (inhabitant of Fort Greene, Brooklyn)

Fort Knox of Silver (West Point Mint nickname)

Fort Neverlose (Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum)

"Fort Pitt, that's it" (Fort Pitt Beer)

Fort Surrender (66th Police Precinct, Borough Park nickname)

"Fort Worth is where the West begins, and Dallas is where the East peters out"

Fort Worth Startlegram (Fort Worth Star-Telegram nickname)

Fort Worther (inhabitant of Fort Worth)

Fort Worthian (inhabitant of Fort Worth)

Fort Worthless (Fort Worth nickname)

Fortress Balance Sheet

Fortune Cookie or Fortune Cake ("Help, I'm prisoner in a Chinese bakery!")

"Fortune tellers are either depressed or hysterically manic. Why can't I find a happy medium?

Forty Deuce (42nd Street)

Forty-Ninth State

Forty Thieves

"Forwards win matches and backs decide by how much" (rugby adage)

Found On Road Dead (Ford backronymic nickname)

Founder's Disease

Founder's Syndrome

Founder's Trap

Founding Father Handwriting (cursive)

Founding Fathers

"Four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate and chocolate truffles"

"Four boxes govern the world" (ballot box, jury box, cartridge box, band box)

"Four brewery CEOs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Four B's of Old West Cooking -- Biscuits, Beans, Beef and Bacon

"Four cents short of a nickel"

Four Continents at U.S. Custom House -- Who posed for America?

Four Corners of Deceit (government, academia, science and media)

Four Fingers of Death (four frankfurters in Meals, Ready-to-Eat)

"Four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and microwavable"

Four Get (get up, get on, get off, get out)

Four King Kongs or Four Heavenly Kings (Shanghai dish of dabing, youtiao, doujiang and cifantuan)

"The four most expensive words in the English language are 'This time it's different'"

Four Precious Jewels (Chinese dish of shrimp, scallops, crab meat and beef)

Four Rules of Plumbing (joke)

Four Seasons (Chinese dish of pork, shrimp, chicken and beef)

"Four S's of wine tasting: See, Sniff, Sip and Spit (or Swallow)"

"Four things put a man beside himself -- women, tobacco, cards, and wine"

"Four wheels carry the body; two wheels move the soul" (motorcycle aphorism)

"Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food"

"Four years ago, I couldn't spell engineer; now I are one"

Fourbucks or Fivebucks (Starbucks nickname)

Fourth Reich (Washington Heights)

Fox Comedy (Fox News nickname)

Fox Comedy (Fox News nickname)

"Fox News. Y u no have news about foxes?"

Fox Noise or Faux Noise (Fox News nickname)

Fox Noise or Faux Noise (Fox News nickname)

Fox Spews or Faux Spews (Fox News nickname)

Foxaganda (Fox News + propaganda)

Foxaganda (Fox News + propaganda)

FoxPAC (Fox News nickname)

FoxPAC (Fox News nickname)

Foxtrot (dance)

Fracktivist or Fractivist (fracking + activist); Fracktivism or Fractivism

"Fracture a femur" (version of "break a leg," meaning good luck)

Fragile Five or Troubled Ten (national currencies on the brink)

"Frank Ocean is a large body of hot dog water"

"Frank Sinatra’s son has invented Wildebeest Pâté -- start spreading the gnus"

FrankenFed (Frankenstein monster + Federal Reserve)

Frankenfence (border wall nickname)

Frankenjab (Frankenstein + vaccination jab)

Frankenpastry (Frankenstein + pastry)

Frankenshot (Frankenstein + vaccination shot)

Frankensnack (Frankenstein monster + snack)

Frankenstorm (Frankenstein monster + storm)

Frankenvax or Frankenvaxx (Frankenstein + vaccination)

Frankenvaxx or Frankenvax (Frankenstein + vaccination)

Frankfurt on the Hudson (Washington Heights)

Frankfurter (Frankfort Sausage)

"Franklin may have discovered electricity, but the meter inventor made the money"

"Frankly, Scallop, i don't give a clam"

Fraud and Death Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Fraud and Deception Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Fraud and Deception Agency (Food and Drug Adminstration or FDA nickname)

Fraud Street (Wall Street nickname)

"Fraud vitiates everything" (legal maxim)

Fraudacity (fraud + audacity)

Fraudcast (fraud + broadcast); Fraudcasting; Fraudcaster

Fraudclosure (fraud + foreclosure)

Frauddemic or Fraudemic (fraud + epidemic/pandemic)

Fraudemic or Frauddemic (fraud + epidemic/pandemic)

Fraudway; Queerialto; Double-Crossroads of the World

Freadom (freedom + read)

Freddie Fudpucker or Freddy Fudpucker (cocktail)

Freddie Mac (Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation)

"Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Fredericksburger (inhabitant of Fredericksburg)

"Free beer always tastes better"

"Free beer, topless bartenders and false advertising" (bar sign)

"Free country? Name one thing you can do that isn't taxed, regulated or illegal"

"Free Crabs Tomorrow" (Joe's Crab Shack)

"Free food always tastes better"

Free Lunch

"Free markets decentralize power. Big government concentrates it"

"Free men are not equal and equal men are not free"

"Free men do not ask for permission to bear arms"

"Free people don't ask for permission"

"Free ride in a police car if you shoplift from this store" (anti-shoplifting sign)

Free Shit Army (FSA)

Free State of Galveston (Galveston nickname)

"Free straw with every drink purchase" (restaurant sign)

"Free Wi-Fi! He's been in prison too long!"

"Free Yoga -- kindly bend forward and pick up your dog's poop"

Freedom Fries (french fries)

"Freedom is lost gradually from an uninterested, uninformed, and uninvolved people"

"Freedom is never extreme. Control is extreme"

"Freedom is not a reward for compliance. That's how jails work"

"Freedom is not a reward for good behavior. That's how prison works"

"Freedom is not a reward for good behavior. That's how prisons work"

"Freedom is not extreme. Control is extreme"

"Freedom is the greater good"

"Freedom is the possession of those who will fight for it"

Freedom Mask (face mask)

"Freedom of speech is not a license to be stupid"

Freedom of the City

"Freedom over fear"

Freedom Shot (Covid vaccination nickname)

Freedom Toast (french toast)

Freedom Tower (or, Pataki's Pit)

Freedumb (freedom + dumb)

"Freemasonry is the real virus"

"Freemasonry is the virus"

Freeze Peach ("free speech," and sometimes an ice cream flavor)

"Freeze pops are just boneless popsicles"

"Freezies are just boneless popsicles"

"French fries are just edible ketchup spoons"

French Fried Onion Rings

French Fried Potatoes (Paris, Texas myth)

"French fries and good vibes"

"French fries are a vehicle for ketchup"

French Fry Holder

"French Mr. Miyagi: Croûton, Croûtoff"

French Onion Dip or California Dip

French Republican

French Silk Chocolate Pie

"French toast isn't normally made from French bread"

Frequently Returning Your Shit (Fry's Electronics nickname/acronym)

Fresh Air Fund

"Fresh Fish Sold Here" (signage joke)

Fresh Fruit Festival

"Fresh pork and new wine kill a man before his time"

Freshman Five or Freshman Ten or Freshman Fifteen (college weight gain)

"Freshmen want to play, sophomores want to start, juniors want to score and seniors want to win"

Frexit (France/French + exit)

Frickles (fried pickles)

"Friday 101: Drink coffee and look busy when your boss walks by"

"Friday 101: Drink coffee and look busy when your boss walks by"

"Friday & Coffee are my two favorite words"

"Friday goals: Drink coffee and look busy until the weekend gets here"

"Friday: Golden child of the weekdays. Superhero of the workweek. Welcome wagon to the weekend"

"Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from beating my coworkers"

"Friday is my second favorite F word"

"Friday is my second favorite F word. My first is food. Definitely food"

"Friday must be a woman. It takes forever to come"

Friday Night Lights

"Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever"

Fridge Jenga

"Fried catfish is the other white meat"

"Fried chicken and champagne? Why the hell not?" (Max's Wine Dive)

Fried Coke

"Fried egg and fried chicken are the same food, just at different stages"

Fried Food Capital of Texas (State Fair of Texas)

Fried Green Tomatoes (Green Tomatoes Fried)

Fried Ice Cream (Mexican Fried Ice Cream or Fried Mexican Ice Cream)

Fried Onion Burger (Onion Fried Burger; Onionburger)

Fried Pickles (Fried Dill Pickles; French Fried Pickle Slices)

Fried Twinkie

"FriEND BestfriEND BoyfriEND GirlfriEND Garlic bread. Only garlic bread has no END"

"Friend: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli. Me: I know what I saw."

"Friendly as a Texas smile"

Friendly City (Amarillo nickname)

Friendly City (Austin nickname)

"Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field" (was Ebbets Field first)

"Friendly reminder -- No lives matter to the government. Let that sink in before you think you're special"

"Friends are people who stick together until debt do them part"

"Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life"

"Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life"

"Friends are therapists you can drink with"

"Friends buy you a lunch. Best friends eat your lunch"

"Friends don't let friends drink light beer"

"Friends don't let friends eat imported shrimp"

"Friends don't let friends play in the snow alone"

"Friends forever, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"Friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel"

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies"

"Friends, sun, sand and sea, that sounds like a summer to me"

"Friendship is the wine of life"

"Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and shenanigans"

Friendternship (friend + internship)

"Fries: A friend to starving vegans in restaurants everywhere"

"Fries before guys"

Frijoles Refritos (refried beans)

Frinally (Friday + finally)

Fringe Media

Frings (French Fries + Onion Rings)

Frisclosure (Frisco nickname during foreclosure crisis)

Frito Pie

Fritoque

"Frittatas are so much better than expensive tatas"

"Frittatas imply the existence of expensivetatas"

Friyay (Friday + yay)

"Frozen yogurt is just hipster ice cream"

Frog and Toe

"Frog parking only. All others will be toad"

Frog Pond (La Grenouille nickname)

Frog Sticks (french fries)

Frogmageddon (frog + Armageddon)

"From a Hot-Dog to a National Habit" (Nathan's Famous)

"From a worm's point of view, a plate of spaghetti is an orgy"

"From age comes wisdom, and French cheese"

"From each according to his gullibility, to each according to his greed"

"From fit to shit" (fitness saying)

"From hell to breakfast"

"From hell to Harlem" ("From Hades to Harlem")

"From here. it's possible" (Texas Tech slogan)

"From 'How did I get here?' to 'How did they get here?'" (Washington politics)

"From Nine to Five"

"From sewer to brewer"

"From shit to fit" (fitness saying)

"From soup to nuts" (from beginning to end)

"From the Country of 1100 Springs" (Pearl Beer slogan)

"From the outhouse to the penthouse" (moving up the ladder)

"From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free"

"From zero to blurry in a hurry" (drag racing saying)

Front Page (East Flatbush, Brooklyn)

Front Page (East Flatbush, Brooklyn nickname)

"Froot Loops are just gay Cheerios"

Frosé (frozen rosé)

"Frosted Mini-Wheats are just breakfast Triscuits"

Froyo (frozen yogurt)

Frozen Custard

Frozen Margarita (cocktail)

"Frozen margaritas are just adult slurpees"

"Frozen margaritas are just smoothies for Texans"

"Frozen margaritas are just Texas smoothies"

Frozen Zone

Frrrozen Hot Chocolate

"Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere"

"Fruit by the Foot must sound like a really gross candy to places that use the metric system"

"Fruit is just tree eggs"

"Fruit, like people, have bellybuttons where they were plucked"

"Fruits and vegetables prevent constipation. That's why they call it pro-deuce"

"Fruits are just plant ovaries"

"Fruits are just tree eggs"

"Frunk as duck"

Fry Sauce (French Fry Sauce; French Fries Sauce)

Frying Pan Circuit (small-time racetracks)

Fryscraper (fry + skyscraper)

FTP (Fuck The Police)

FUBAR (Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition)

Fuck 12 (anti-police saying)

Fuck Brunch

Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit ("finals" backronym)

"Fuck soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I’d take my friends..."

"Fuck Texas"

Fuck The Consumer (Federal Trade Commission or FTC nickname)

Fuck This Shit O'Clock

"Fuck ups are easier to do than sit ups and push ups"

"Fuck Y'all, I'm from Texas" ("Fuck You, I'm from Texas")

Fucked-up Friday

FuckFuckNo (DuckDuckGo nickname)

Fucking Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fucking Bitches Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fucking Bunch of Idiots (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fucking Crappy Ass Test ("FCAT" backronym)

Fucking Dumb Asses (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Fuckoffee (fuck off + coffee)

"Fuckoffee -- Slang used to to tell someone to go away, be quiet, or don't ask me questions..."

Fuddy-duddy

Fudge

Fudge Factory (State Department nickname)

"Fudgitive -- One who eats sweets secretly, without sharing"

"Fueled by caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts"

Fugeddaboutit! ("forget about it")

Fukushima Freeway (transport road for nuclear waste)

Full Blown Idiots (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Full Cleveland (clothing term)

Full Ginsburg (to appear on all Sunday morning news shows)

Full Grassley (politician visiting each Iowa county)

"Full of wind as a corn-eating horse"

Full Of Xenophobia (Fox News nickname)

Full Of Xenophobia (Fox News nickname)

Fulton Fish Market

Fulton's Folly (North River Steamboat)

Fumbling, Bumbling Idiots (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fun Central (Arlington slogan)

Fun City

Fun City Bowl

"Fun City" nickname (1966)

Fun-durr-mentals

"Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 89%"

"Fun Fact: Drinking whiskey is still healthier than being dead"

"Fun fact: If you refill a wine glass before it’s empty, it still counts as one glass"

"Fun Fact: There’s more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe"

"Fun is like insurance — the older you get. the more it costs"

Funemployment

"Funeral homes are a dying business"

Fung Wah Bus of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Funkytown or Funky Town (Fort Worth nickname)

"Funny don't make money" (professional wrestling adage)

"Funny how all the people wanting socialism don't really contribute much to society to begin with"

"Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen"

"Funny how we were all raised not to be peer pressured into taking experimental drugs, and now..."

"Funny Name, Serious Sandwich" & "Just one sandwich...it's that good!" (Schlotzsky's slogans)

"Fur coats are worn by beautiful animals and ugly people"

Fur District

Fusion Burger

"Futons are the sporks of the furniture world"

Future Always Involves Learning ("fail" backronym)

Fux News (Fox News nickname)

Fux News (Fox News nickname)

Fweedom (freedom + weed)

"f(x) walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"FYI: wearing a mask with your nose sticking out is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off"

G-Slope (Gowanus + Park Slope)

G-Town (Galveston nickname)

Gaaafe or Gaaaffe ("What about your gaffes?")

GAFI (Grab Ankles For Israel)

Gag in the Bag (Jack in the Box nickname)

Gairville

"Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves." (Foghorn Leghorn)

"Galaxy Counters are a poor man's Minstrels"

Gallerina (gal + art gallery + ballerina)

Galvatraz (Galveston nickname)

Galvestonian (inhabitant of Galveston)

Galvo (Galveston nickname)

"Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner"

"Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house"

"Gambling is only considered an addiction if you are bad at it"

"Game on"

"GameStop implies the existence of GameCollaborate and GameListen"

"GameStop implies the existence of GameDrop and GameRoll"

"GameStop implies the existence of GameGo"

"Gamestop implies the existence of Gamesbottom"

"GameStop implies the existence of GameStart"

Gang Buster or Gangbuster

Gang Green (New York Jets nickname)

Gang of 500

Gangplank Willies (reporters covering ship news at the trans-Atlantic docks)

Gangster Government

Ganjapreneur (ganja + entrepreneur)

Gapers' Block

Gapers' Block

Gaphattan (Gap + Manhattan)

Garage Mahal

Garbage Bread

Garbagia Land

Garden Apartment

Garden City (Chicago nickname)

Garden Spot of the World (Greenpoint, Brooklyn)

Garden State (New Jersey nickname)

"Gardeners always know the ground rules"

"Gardening season is off to a great start: I planted myself in front of a TV..."

Garibaldi (sandwich)

Garlandite (inhabitant of Garland)

Garlic Knots (Pizza Knots)

Garment Center (Garment District; Fashion Center; Fashion District)

Garnachas

Garrison Finish

"Gas, Grass or Ass -- Nobody rides for free"

Gas House District

"Gas is finally affordable and we can't go anywhere"

"Gas is finally affordable and we have no where to go"

"Gas is finally affordable and we have nowhere to go"

"Gas station car washes are the McDonald's ice cream machines of traveling" (often broken)

Gas Tourism (Gas Tourist)

"Gaslighting doesn't exist. You made it up 'cause you're fucking crazy"

"Gaslighting is not real. You're just crazy"

"Gaslighting is not real. You're just imagining things again"

"Gaslighting isn't a real word. You're just crazy"

"Gaslighting isn't even a real word. You sound crazy"

"Gaslighting isn't real, you crazy bitch"

Gasoline Machine (Phillips 66 refinery in New York harbor)

Gasoline-on-a-Stick (Texas trees and wildfires)

Gastrobar

Gastrocrat (gastronomy + aristocrat/bureaucrat)

Gastronome

"'Gastronomy' implies the existence of an occult science of gastrology"

Gastroteque

Gatbush (Flatbush)

(Gate) Crasher

Gate Night (October 30th)

Gate Rape

Gate-to-Plate ("From farm gate to dinner plate")

Gateway of the Mississippi Valley (New Orleans nickname)

"Gateway to Discovery" (or "Gateway to the Moon")

Gateway to Queens (Queens Plaza)

Gateway to Success (Corinth slogan)

Gateway to the Rolling Hills (Schulenburg nickname)

"Gather those rosebuds"

"Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks..."

"Gatorade is a drink for either world-class athletes, hungover drunks, or folks with a colonoscopy"

Gatorade Shower (Gatorade Bath)

Gatsby (sandwich)

"Gay and proud" ("I'm gay and I'm proud")

Gay Bar

Gay Boulevard

Gay Boy (Gayboy)

Gay Greenwich Village

Gay Nineties (1890s)

Gay Paree

Gay Pride Week (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender PRIDE March; Moment of Silence)

Gay Set

Gay Street (Greenwich Village)

Gay White Way (Broadway)

Gaystapo (gay + Gestapo)

Gefilte Fish

"Gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish"

Gelato District

"Gender neutral non-binary older sibling is watching you"

General Replacement Untrained ("grunt" backronym)

"General Tso Tso's chicken is just okay"

General Tso's Chicken

"Generals always fight the last war" ("Economists fight the last depression")

Generation Debt

Generation Greed (Generational Theft)

Generation Perspiration

Generation Remuneration

Generation Screwed

Generation Snowflake

Generation XL

Genitalian (someone who votes based on a candidate's sex)

Genius Row (Washington Square South)

Genius School (Baby Genius School)

"Gentleman from Odessa (TX)"

Gentleman's C

Gentleman's Sweep (4-1 series win)

Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden ("golf" backronym)

Gentlemen's Sweep (4-1 series win)

"Gently resisting change since 1872" (Gruene slogan)

"Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at"

"Geometry is actually pretty cool. You just have to look at it from the Right Angle"

George Eddy (customer who doesn't leave a tip)

George Spelvin (pseudonym)

"George Washington is the only president to have been drawn and quartered"

"George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration"

"George Washington slept here"

Georgetowner (inhabitant of Georgetown)

Georgette Spelvin (pseudonym)

Georgia: Buzzard (nickname)

Georgia: Empire State of the South (nickname)

Georgia Ice Cream (grits)

Georgina Spelvin (pseudonym)

German Chocolate Cake

German Belt

German Broadway or German Boulevard (East 86th Street in Yorkville)

"German by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"German food puns have always been very spätzle to me"

German Nachos

German Taco

Gerxit (Germany/German + exit)

Gestapolemics (Gestapo + polemics)

"Get a $100 lock and a $50 bike" (bicycle adage)

"Get a foot in the door" (get an opening to an opportunity)

"Get a room!" (excessive public affection or praise)

"Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine, if you're ugly"

"Get back to the big apple" (Ebony magazine, 1968)

"Get big, get niche or get out" (business adage)

"Get crackin'" or "Get cracking" (removing shells from eggs, nuts)

"Get 'em while they're hot"

"Get fit to play sports — don't play sports to get fit"

"Get in good trouble, necessary trouble"

"Get It First, But First Get It Right" (International News Service)

"Get me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy" (joke)

"Get me a table near a waiter" (restaurant joke)

"Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy"

"Get Met. It Pays" (Metropolitan Life)

"Get off my phone!" (radio talk show saying)

"Get off the cross, we need the wood"

"Get out of Dodge"

"Get re-elected" (First Law of Officeholders/Incumbents)

Get-rich-quick (Get-rich-quickly; Get-rich-quicker)

"Get stoned. Drink wet cement"

Get the hook!

"Get the U.S. out of the U.N. and the U.N. out of the U.S."

"Get while the gettin's good"

"Get woke, go broke"

"Get your chef together"

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please"

"Get your head in the game" (act smarter)

"Get your head out of your apps" (smartphone message)

"Get your head out of your apps" (transportation message)

"Get your hero up a tree, throw stones at him, then get him down" (playwriting adage)

"Get your popcorn ready" (prepare to watch something exciting)

"Getting a tattoo of pi would be irrational"

"Getting fat? Just say no. Calories cannot legally enter your body without your consent"

"Getting good players is easy; getting them to play together is the hard part"

"Getting infected? Just say no. Coronavirus cannot legally enter your body without your consent"

"Getting mugged? Just say no. Your robber legally cannot take any of your possessions"

"Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap"

"Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dog poop"

"Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dog shit"

"Getting on the check"

"Getting on the draw"

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars -- let go to move forward"

"Getting ready to change from my daytime pajamas into my nighttime pajamas"

"Getting robbed? Just say no. Your robber legally cannot take any of your possessions"

"Getting something done is an accomplishment; getting something done right is an achievement"

"Getting there is half the fun" (Cunard)

Ghost Chicken (Gu Jji or Guiji)

Ghost Kitchen

Ghost Light

Ghost Money

Ghost Restaurant

Ghost Voting (Button Punching; Button Pushing)

Ghost Yard (207th Street maintenance yard)

"Ghostbusters" (1984, 1989)

Ghostbusters Building (55 Central Park West)

"Ghosts and goblins, spooks galore. Scary witches at your door"

Ghoul Pool (Obituaries)

Giant Backside of Texas (parody of Lubbock slogan)

"Giant cannibals were soaking me in vinegar when I shouted, 'Pickle someone your own size!'"

"Giant Meteor -- Just end it already" (jocular presidential slogan)

Giant Side of Texas (Lubbock slogan)

Giants (National League baseball team, now in San Francisco)

Giants (NFL football team)

Giardiniera

Gibson (cocktail)

Gig Economy

"Gig 'em, Aggies!"

Gilmerite (inhabitant of Gilmer)

Gimlet (cocktail)

"Gin and Tonic (noun) -- magic water for fun people"

"Gin (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Gingerbread City (Waxahachie nickname)

Gingerbread House (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

Ginnie Mae (Government National Mortgage Association)

Gintern (gin + intern); Ginternship

Gippy Tummy or Gyppy Tummy (traveler's diarrhea)

"Girl, are you a popsicle?" (joke)

Girl Friday (Gal Friday)

Girl-inside-cake (bachelor party surprise)

"Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button..."

"Girls just wanna have sun" ("Girls just want to have sun")

Girther (someone suspicious about another's weight)

Girther (someone suspicious about another's weight)

"Git-R-Done" or "Git-'er-Done" ("Git-R-Dun," "Git-'er-Dun," "G.E.D.")

"Give a cannibal a dead scientist and he'll eat faraday..."

"Give a cannibal a physicist and he'll eat Faraday"

"Give a cannibal access to a physics conference and he'll eat Faraday"

"Give a cannibal the discoverer of electromagnetic induction and he'll eat Faraday"

"Give a homeless person counterfeit money. They'll go to prison and no longer be homeless"

"Give a hoot, don't pollute"

"Give a hungry man a science textbook and he will eat Faraday"

"Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass"

"Give a man a duck and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck & he’ll avoid low flying objects"

"Give a man a duck and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he won't walk into a bar"

"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; give a man a welfare check and he'll vote for a Democrat"

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime"

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day... Unless he ordered steak, then you're a shit waiter"

"Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world"

"Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a central bank and he can rob the world"

"Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world"

"Give a man a job, you have an employee. Teach him how to shift blame, you have a manager"

"Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day" (joke)

"Give a Nigerian a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince"

"Give a Texan an enema, and you can bury him in a matchbox"

"Give a weed an inch and it will take a yard"

"Give away the store" (conceding too much in a transaction)

"Give blood -- play hockey" ("Give blood -- play rugby")

"Give 'em pumpkin to talk about" ("Let's give them pumpkin to talk about")

"Give, get, or get off" ("Give, get, or get out")

"Give him someone else's fish and he'll vote for you"

"Give me a dime for a sandwich."/"Let me see the sandwich first."

"Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world"

"Give me a handful of Texas Aggies, and I'll win a war!" (General George S. Patton quote?)

"Give me a T" (tea joke)

"Give me all your money or you're geography!" (bank robbery joke)

"Give me an athlete and I can turn him into a lacrosse player"

"Give me coffee to change the things I can, and the beach to accept the things I can’t"

"Give me four years to teach the children, and the seed I have sown shall never be uprooted"

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner"

"Give me liberty. That's it. I can handle the rest"

Give me your tired, your poor ("The New Colossus")

"Give My Regards to Broadway" (1904)

"Give 110%" (100% plus 10% extra -- to give maximum effort)

"Give peace a chance" ("Give war a chance")

"Give the lady what she wants" (Marshall Field slogan)

"Give up carbs? Over my bread body"

"Give your co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails"

"Given enough coffee, I could rule the world"

Giverment (giver + government)

Givernment (giver + government)

"Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good"

Giving Tuesday (Tuesday after Thanksgiving)

"Giving up collecting Icelandic, Danish, Norwegian and Swedish coins so I don’t get Kronervirus"

"Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other tires because of a flat"

"Glad I didn't waste my money buying a planner for 2020" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

Glambling (glamorous + gambling; glam + bling)

Glance Journalism

Gland Canyon (Broadway at Times Square)

Gland Canyon (Broadway at Times Square)

"Glass buildings are just really elaborate sand castles"

Glass Ceiling

Glass Cliff

Glass Zoo (United Nations Building)

Glatt Kosher

Gliberal (glib + liberal)

Glibertarian (glib + libertarian)

Glitch

Glittering Grotto in the Sky (530 East 72nd Street)

Glizzy (hot dog)

Glizzy Gladiator

Global Billionaires Club (One57)

"Global warming doesn’t care if you believe in it or not"

"Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up"

"Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries"

Globalism

Globalist

Globaloney (global + baloney)

Globe Square and Telegram Square (formerly in lower Manhattan)

Globocrat (global + bureaucrat)

Globull (global + bull); Globull Warming

"Glock: The original point and click interface"

Gloomy Gus

"Glorifying the American Girl" (Ziegfeld Follies)

Glory Hole

Glory Road

Glory Road (Eighth Avenue, between 42nd and 44th Streets)

Glou Glou Wine (glug glug wine); The Big Glou (natural wine fair)

Glovetard (glove + retard)

Glue Guy (team player)

Glutard (gluten + retard)

"Glutes for the sloots" (weightlifting saying)

"Glutton — A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted"

"Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!" (joke)

"GMO GTFO!"

"Go big or go home" (motivational saying)

Go Bulworth or Going Bulworth (Full Bulworth)

Go Cup

"Go Dutch?"/"OK. 'Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?'"

"Go east until you smell it, south until you step in it" (Texas directions)

"Go easy on the spicy Chinese food. It'll practically Szechuan fire"

"Go fight city hall" (proverb)

"Go for the gusto"

"Go ham" or "Go ham and cheese" (go hard)

"Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog!" (palindrome)

"Go hard or go home" (motivational saying)

"Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"

Go On TV (GOTV nickname)

"Go peddle your papers!" (go away)

"Go Round Rock" (Round Rock slogan)

Go Spend it All (General Services Administration or GSA nickname)

"Go the whole hog"

"Go vote! If dead people can do it, so can you!"

Go West, Young Man

"Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated"

"Go woke, go broke"

"Goals change games" (soccer adage)

"Goals follow goals" (soccer adage)

"Goals that are not written down are just dreams"

"Goals that are not written down are just wishes"

"Goat cheese is the GOAT cheese"

Goat-choker (an overly long article)

G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time)

"Gobble 'til you wobble" (Thanksgiving dinner saying)

Gobbledygook (Maury Maverick WWII term)

Gobblegeddon (gobble + Armageddon)

GoCaGa (Gowanus-Carroll Gardens)

"God bless my little kitchen, I love its every nook..." ("My Kitchen Prayer")

"God Bless New York City, My Big Apple Pie" (song by Y'all, 1995)

"God Bless New York City, My Big Apple Pie" (song by Y'all, 1995)

"God bless Texas" ("God blessed Texas")

"God bless West, Texas" (West, Texas slogan)

God Box (Interchurch Center)

"God couldn't be everywhere, so he created grandmothers"

"God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers"

"God created Brooklyn" (joke)

"God created Gentiles so there'd be somebody to buy retail"

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography"

"God didn't call you to a playground, but a battleground"

"God. Family. Country. Coffee"

"God has finally answered my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no"

"God first, family second, career third" (Mary Kay)

"God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend"

"God gives every bird its food, but does not throw it into the nest"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read"

"God. Guns. Guts. Glory"

"God helps those whom God has helped"

"God is a frequency. Stay tuned"

"God is a frequency that exists within you. Tune in"

"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"

"God made heaven and earth, and the rest was made in China"

"God made police so firefighters would have heroes"

"God made Texas on his day off, for pure entertainment..." (Mary Lasswell)

"God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them"

"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things..."

God Rewards Our Work ("grow" backronym)

"God shared his grapes with me" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

God Shot (perfect shot of espresso)

Godfellas (God's work + Goodfellas); Goldfellas (Goldman Sachs + Goodfellas)

Godman Shafts or Goldman Shafts (Goldman Sachs nickname)

God's Big Acre (Texas nickname)

God's Dorm (St. Ann's Church facade and NYU dorm)

God's Gravy (natural juices)

God's Row (White Plains Road, Wakefield)

God's Waiting Room

Godzillatron (Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium scoreboard)

GoEffMe or GoFuckMe or GoFMe (GoFundMe + fuck)

GoFMe or GoFuckMe or GoEffMe (GoFundMe + fuck)

GoFraudMe (GoFundMe + fraud)

GoFuckMe or GoEffMe or GoFMe (GoFundMe + fuck)

GoFuckYourself (GoFundMe nickname)

"Goin' to hell."/"Get off at Hempstead." (joke)

"Going all city" (graffiti slang)

"Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald's fries"

"Going back to your ex is like reheating your McDonald's fries"

"Going broke safely"

"Going camping is like being homeless for fun"

"Going cheese hunting this weekend. Just me and some close friends, shooting the bries"

"Going from vegetarian to vegan just left me irate, on reflection"

"Going Galt" or "Going John Galt" ('Go Galt" or "Go John Galt")

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; sitting in a garage doesn't make you a car"

"Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug"

"Going to the city" (Manhattan)

Going Up (forgetting lines)

"Going Your Way" (MTA slogan)

"Going...going...gone!" (baseball home run call)

Gold 2.0 (bitcoin nickname)

"Gold, bitchez!" or "Silver, bitchez!" (financial catchphrase)

Gold Coast

Gold-digger

Gold for Nerds (bitcoin nickname)

"Gold, girls and glory" (three things that can destroy a preacher)

"Gold is for royalty, silver is for gentlemen and copper is for the working man"

"Money is gold, and nothing else" ("Gold and silver are money -- everything else is credit")

"Gold is no one's liability"

"Gold is the devil's fishhook"

"Gold is the money of kings; silver of gentlemen; barter of peasants; debt is the money of slaves"

"Gold medals are made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts"

Goldbug or Gold Bug (gold enthusiast)

Golden Apple (Dept. of Health award)

Golden Arches (McDonald's nickname)

Golden Boot

Golden Brown and Delicious (GBD)

Golden Corridor

Golden Edge (110th Street); Hollywood Heights (St. Nicholas Place)

Golden Globalist (Golden Globe + globalist)

Golden Gloves (boxing)

Golden Handcuffs

Golden Handshake

Golden Hello

Golden Horde

"Golden oldie"

Golden Parachute

"Golden retrievers don't retrieve gold"

Golden Rule ("Do unto others before they do unto you")

Golden Rule ("He who has the gold makes the rules")

Golden Sacks (Goldman Sachs nickname)

Golden Slacks (Goldman Sachs nickname)

Golden Spread (Texas Panhandle and Amarillo high plains)

Golden Tacos (Tacos Dorados)

Golden Triangle (Beaumont, Orange, Port Arthur)

Golden Triangle (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Golden Westerner Cake (Amber Westerner Cake)

Goldenfreude (gold + schadenfreude)

Goldie Mac (Goldman Sachs + Freddie Mac)

Goldilocks Economy (Goldilocks Recovery; Goldilocks Scenario)

Goldman Sachsony (Goldman Sachs + Saxony)

Goldman Sucks or Goldman Sux (Goldman Sachs nickname)

Goldmanite (Goldman Sachs employee)

Goldmine Sacks or Goldmine Sachs (Goldman Sachs nickname)

Gold's Little Brother (silver nickname)

"Gold's father is dirt, yet it regards itself as noble"

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it"

Golf Clap (moderate applause/enthusiasm)

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore,' shoot six, and write down five"

"Golf is a game of a lifetime"

"Golf is an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle"

"Golf is deceptively simple and yet endlessly complicated"

"Golf is just the adult version of an Easter egg hunt"

"Golf is like taxes" (joke)

"Golf is like taxes" (golf joke)

"Golf is tee-rific" ("Golf is tee-rrific")

"Golf Rules for Beginners" (joke)

"Golf: The adult version of an Easter egg hunt"

"Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course" (joke)

"Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddy: Oh, he's played with with you, too?"

"Golfer's Diet: Live on greens as much as possible"

Gondola Sandwich

Gone to Texas (GTT)

"Gongs are just really flat bells"

"Gonna ask my momma if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table"

"Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I am a gift"

Gonorrhea Lectim or GonorrheaLectim (Gonna re-elect ‘em)

Goo Goo (Good Government)

GOOB (Going Out Of Business)

Goober Burger or Goober Hamburger (hamburger with peanut butter)

Goobermint (Gooberment)

"Good Ale, Raw Onions and No Ladies" (McSorley's Ale House)

Good As You ("gay" backronym)

"Good bass players stay out of treble"

"Good boards are created by good chairmen"

"Good Boys Do Fine Always" (GBDFA music mnemonic)

"Good bread, good meat, good God, let's eat"

"Good Burritos Don't Fall Apart" (GBDFA music mnemonic)

"Good Burritos Don't Fall Apart" (GBDFA music mnemonic)

"Good cannot unite with evil. Right cannot unite with wrong"

"Good coffee is a pleasure. Good friends are a treasure"

Good Country Living (Lindale slogan)

"Good days start with a great cup of coffee"

Good Enough Diploma ("GED" backronym)

"Good food = good mood" ("Good food equals good mood")

"Good food, good wine, good friends, good times"

"Good food is good mood"

Good Food Movement (Farm Aid)

"Good friends are like fine wine -- that's why I keep mine locked in the cellar"

"Good friends give you food. Best friends take your food"

"Good girls are made of sugar and spice. Country girls are made of whiskey on ice"

"Good goaltenders make for good coaches" (hockey adage)

Good Gosh (G or GG subway line)

"Good government is good politics"

"Good grades, enough sleep, or a social life -- pick any two"

"Good help is hard to find"

"Good horses make good jockeys" (horse racing adage)

"Good Humor man: sundae driver"

"Good ideas don't require force"

"Good intentions don't move mountains, bulldozers do"

"Good judgment comes from experience -- and that comes from bad judgment"

Good Karma Jar (tip jar)

"Good! Like Nedicks!" (Nedicks Restaurants)

"Good moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens, and happy kids"

"Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first"

"Good morning class. Today’s lesson is on Whole Numbers and I need your undivided attention"

"Good morning. Don't forget to drink water and mind your own business today"

"Good morning. I see the assassins have failed"

"Good morning, I'll take a large iced fuckoffee with a shot of stresspresso"

"Good morning, inmates" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic quarantine)

"Good morning, self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs?"

"Good morning. Today's Saturday and I like to be what I call 'comfortably caffeinated'"

"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite"

"Good people drink good beer"

"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa"

"Good players inspire themselves; great players inspire others"

"Good teams win. Great teams cover" (sports adage)

"Good theatre can be made with two boards and a passion" (theatre adage)

"Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented"

"Good things come to those who bait" (fishing proverb)

"Good things come to those who lift weights"

"Good things come to those who sweat"

"Good things come to those who wade" (fishing proverb)

"Good things come to those with weights"

"Good things happen in an instant" & "Be ready" (New York Lottery Instant Games)

"Good things happen to cheap stocks" (Wall Street adage)

"Good things happen when you put the puck on the net" (hockey adage)

Good-time Charlie (Good-time Charley)

"Good to the last drop"

Good Willie's or Uncle Willie's (Goodwill Industries nickname)

"Goodbye, cruel world!" (drinking saying)

Goodfellas & Wise Guys

Goodge (opposite of "badge")

"Goodnight, Austin, Texas, wherever you are"

Gooey Butter Cake

"Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak"

Google censorship of BarryPopik.com

Google censorship of BarryPopik.com, “The Big Apple”

"Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder"

"Google now hiring! No need to apply. We already have all of your data"

"Google now hiring! No need to apply, we already have all your information"

"Google + Wikipedia = Homework"

"Google + Wikipedia = Homework"

Googleberg (Google + Bilderberg Group)

Goolag (Google + gulag)

Goon

Goonion (goon + labor union)

GOOP (GOP nickname)

"Goose is cooked"

Goosey Night (October 30th)

GOP

GOPtard (GOP + retard)

GOPbagger (GOP + teabagger)

GOPe or GOP-e

GOPer (member of the GOP)

GOPolitico (GOP + Politico)

Gordie Howe Hat Trick (one goal, one assist and one fight)

Gordita

Gorilla Bread

Gorp (Granola, Oats, Raisins, Peanuts; Good Old Raisins and Peanuts)

Goshen: Slow-Motion Goshen (nickname)

Gospel Brunch

"Gospel is about God; blues is about women"

"Gossip always travels fastest over grapevines that are slightly sour"

"Gossip columnist -- One who writes other's wrongs"

"Gossip is news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress"

"Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid"

"Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't"

"Got a cold and it’s making me purchase new vehicles each day. Must be the 'car owner' virus"

"Got a job as a human statue. It's a permanent position"

"Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day..." (joke)

"Got my first shot. Going to get my second shot as soon as the bartender comes back"

"Got my Pfizer vaccine this morning. Pfeeling pfine!"

"Got Tea?" (tea party variant of "Got Milk?")

"Got thrown out of Coffee Club. I turned up wearing a tea shirt"

"Got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday. Must have been something I said"

"Got thrown out of the Stock Exchange for sitting in a bath full of Scrumpy, In cider trading"

"Got up at 6 am today, went to the gym, ran 10 miles, finished my Christmas shopping..."

"Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block"

Gotcha Journalism

Gotham

Gotham City

"Gotham criminals should only do crime on cloudless nights"

Gothamist (inhabitant of Gotham)

Gothamite (inhabitant of Gotham)

Gothamland

"Gotta go to Mo's!" (Modell's Sporting Goods)

"Gotta say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year"

GOTV (Get Out The Vote)

Goulash Alley or Goulash Avenue (Second Avenue, between 79th and 86th Streets)

Goulash Avenue (Houston Street)

Gourdgeous (gourd + gorgeous)

Gourmaise (gourmet + mayonnaise)

Gourmet

"Gourmet burrito is an oxymoron"

Gourmet Gas Station (gourmet food + gas station)

Gourmonster (gourmet/gourmand + monster)

"Govern me harder, daddy"

Governmedia (government + media)

Governmedia (government + media)

“Government: An institution of war, theft, murder, rape and predation, the absence of which..."

"Government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have"

"Government can't profit from self-sufficient people"

"Government creates wealth the way ticks create blood"

"Government does not solve problems -- it subsidizes them"

"Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some" (Wicker's Law)

"Government: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

"Government: If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions"

"Government is a corporation in the limit"

"Government is an insurance company with an army"

"Government is inherently incompetent"

"Government is like a baby, with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other"

"Government is like fire; when controlled, it warms you"

"Government is not reason, it is not eloquence — it is force!"

"Government is organized crime"

"Government is simply the name we give to the things we choose to do together"

"Government is sports for nerds"

"Government is the biggest corporation, with a monopoly on violence"

"Government is the enemy until you need a friend"

"Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex"

"Government is the mafia pretending to be a human rights organization"

"Government is the violation of free will masquerading as the protection of it"

'Government: It doesn't matter how many resources you have. If you don't know how to use them..."

Government Motors (General Motors or GM nickname)

"Government philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is"

"Government -- Protecting and serving the hell out of you"

Government Sachs (Goldman Sachs nickname)

"Government schools are indoctrination camps"

"Government schools are indoctrination centers"

"Government schools are woke indoctrination camps"

Government Sucks (Government Sachs + Goldman Sucks; Goldman Sachs nickname composite)

"Government: The brilliant idea that we should stop lunatics from lying, murdering, and stealing..."

Governmentland (government + land)

"Governments are the only vessels that leak from the top"

"Governments can't profit from self-sufficient people"

"Governments & corporations can't profit from self-sufficient people"

"Governments create wealth the same way ticks create blood"

Governor Stuyvesant's Tree (pear, not apple)

Governor's Mansion Recipes (Lemon Yogurt Cake, Peach Tea Punch, Wonton Ravioli)

Govidiot (government + idiot)

Gov't Squad (Geek Squad nickname)

Gowned Clown (judge nickname)

"Grab life by the beans"

Gracie Mansion

Gracie Mansion Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

"Gradually, the unthinkable becomes tolerable, then acceptable, then legal, then praised"

"Graduates are hotter because they have more degrees"

"Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit"

Grammar Nazi

Grammstanding (grandstanding, after Senator Phil Gramm)

Gramurray (Gramercy Park + Murray Hill)

Grand Canyon of Texas (Palo Duro Canyon nickname)

Grand Central of Downtown (Chambers Street, Fulton Street)

Grand Central of the Jet Age (TWA Terminal/Hotel nickname)

Grand Central of the Jet Age (TWA Terminal/Hotel nickname)

"Grand Dame of Madison Avenue" (Roosevelt Hotel)

Grand Obstructionist Party (Grand Old Party or GOP nickname)

Grand Old Party

Grand Old Tea Party (GOTP)

Grand Prairian (inhabitant of Grand Prairie)

Grand Sample Station & Breadway & Snacks in the City (Trader Joe's)

Grand Slam (horse racing)

Grand Slam (tennis)

Grandest Canyon (Broadway at Times Square)

"Grandfathers are for loving and fixing things"

Grandma Pizza (Grandma Slice)

"Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting"

"Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies"

"Grandmother -- a wonderful mother with lots of practice"

"Grandpa leapt around in his undies on the 4th. It was his In-Depends-Dance Day"

Grandpa Pizza (Grandpa Slice)

Granny's Potatoes or Grandma's Mashed Potatoes (Laonai Yangyu)

"Granola bars are edible particle boards"

Granville: Colored Slate Capital of the World (nickname)

"Grape or grain, but never the twain"

Grape-vine or Grapevine ("I heard it through the grapevine")

"Grape: Wine in pill form"

"Grapefruit is a fruit named after a fruit"

Grapefruit League (Grapefruit Circuit, Grapefruit Loop)

"Grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you"

Grapeviner (inhabitant of Grapevine)

Grasp at Good Luck (Chinese dish of shredded chicken with carrots)

"Grass grows by inches, but dies by feet" (groundskeeping adage)

Grasshopper (cocktail)

Grasshopper Pie; Grasshopper Ice Cream Sandwich

Grassroots

"Gratitude is for favors yet to be received"

Gravesender (inhabitant of Gravesend, Brooklyn)

Graveyard Bouquet

Graveyard Market

Graveyard of Champions or Graveyard of Favorites (Saratoga Race Course)

Graveyard Shift

Graveyard Stew (milk toast)

Gravitas

"Gravity doesn’t care if you believe in it or not"

"Gravity fighter sounds much cooler than weightlifter"

"Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?"

"Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast"

Gravy Train (Gravy Boat)

Gray Knight (Grey Knight)

Gray Lady/Grey Lady; Paper of Record; All the News That's Fit to Print (New York Times)

Greaser

Greasy Spoon ("dirty spoon" restaurant)

"Great abs are made in the kitchen, not in the gym"

Great Accumulation

Great American Eclipse

Great American Job Machine (Texas nickname)

Great Bright Way (Broadway)

Great Bright Way (Broadway nickname)

Great Compression

Great Contraction

Great Dark Way (Broadway, during theater closures)

Great Dark Way (Broadway nickname, during theater closures)

Great Debasement

Great Default

Great Deformation

Great Depression

Great Disconnect (Grand Disconnect)

Great Disorder

Great Divergence

Great Divider

Great God Beef Dish (chicken fried steak)

Great Green Turtle of Auditorium Shores (Austin's former Palmer Auditorium)

"Great housekeepers aren't born, they're maid"

"Great ideas don't require force or coercion"

"Great ideas don't require force or subsidies"

"Great ideas originate in the muscles"

Great Lawn (Central Park)

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people"

"Great minds drink alike"

"Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid minds"

"Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid ones"

Great Mistake of 1898 (Brooklyn view of New York City unification)

Great Moderation

Great Orange Satan (Daily Kos nickname)

"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine"

Great Plains

"Great players aren't always great; they're just great when they have to be"

Great Rebalancing

Great Recession

Great Reckoning

Great Replacement (Grand Replacement)

Great Reset

Great Resignation (workers leaving jobs during Covid-19 pandemic)

Great Resist

Great Right Hope (Great White Hope)

Great Rotation (from bonds to stocks)

"Great Scott!"(exclamation)

"Great Seafood, Not a Lot of Clams" (Rockfish Seafood Grill slogan)

Great Shrinkage

Great Stagnation

Great State of Chicago (Chicago nickname)

Great Stone Toilet Bowl (Guggenheim Museum)

"Great teams don't lose twice in a row"

"Great teams don't rebuild -- they reload"

"Great trade! Who'd we get?"

Great Under Major Pressure (GUMP)

Great Unravelling

Great Unrecovery

Great Unwind (Great Unwinding)

Great Walk Way (Broadway without vehicular traffic)

Great Wall of Texas (border wall)

Great White North (Arctic; Canada)

Great White South (Antarctica)

Great White Way (Broadway)

Great White Way (Broadway nickname)

"Great wine is like great jazz. It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same"

"Great wine is like great jazz. It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same"

"Great wines are made in the vineyard" (wine adage)

Greater Fool Theory

Greater New York

Greater New York Orchid Show

Greater Recession

Greatest Depression

Greatest Free Show on Earth (Mardi Gras in New Orleans)

"Greatest Show (and Tell) on Earth" (Maker Faire slogan)

"Greatest Show on Earth"

Greatly Ridiculous Exam ("GRE" backronym)

Greece of the Caribbean (Puerto Rico in financial crisis)

"Greed is good"

Greedy Geezer

Greedy One Percent (Grand Old Party or GOP nickname)

Greek "Anthora" Coffee Cup

"Greek by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Greek Independence Day Parade

Greek Nachos (Mediterranean Nachos; Pita Nachos; Pitachos)

Greek Salad

"Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt that joined a frat"

"Greek yogurt is just sour cream that joined a fraternity"

"Greek yogurt is just sour cream that's joined a sorority"

"Greek yogurt is really just sour cream"

Greekovery (Greek + recovery)

"Green Acres Theme" (1965)

Green Apple Music & Arts Festival

Green Book (Official Directory)

Green Chile Burger/Green Chile Cheeseburger (Green Chili Burger/Green Chili Cheeseburger)

Green Chili Burrito "Saddle Style"

Green Circle (chicken)

Green Fairy or Green Lady (absinthe nickname)

Green Falafel

Green Giant (Condé Nast building at 4 Times Square)

"Green is no, yellow is wait, red is go. Tomatoes work the opposite than street lights"

"Green is the new red" ("green" climatism is the new "red" communism)

Green Jade (broccoli, string beans and snow peas)

Green Jade Chicken

Green Jade Scallops

Green Lantern Theory of Geopolitics

Greenhorn (green Texas Longhorn)

Greeniac (green + maniac)

Greenmail

Greenmarket

Greenpointer (inhabitant of Greenpoint, Brooklyn)

Greenspan Put (Fed Put)

"Greenwich Village, home of short-haired women and long-haired men"

Greenwich Villager (inhabitant of Greenwich Village)

Greenwood Heights

Grexit (Greece/Greek + exit)

"Grey Goose is my spirit animal"

Greyhound Bus of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Greyhound Bus with Wings (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Gridlock

"Gridlock is good"

Grievance Theater

Grillable

Grillades

Grillades

"Grilled cheese > chilled grease"

Grilled Cheese Sandwich (Toasted Cheese Sandwich)

"Grilled cheese sandwiches are just cheese sandwiches that have been interrogated"

"Grilled cheese sandwiches aren't even grilled. They are generally pan fried"

"Grilled cheese with tomato soup is basically deconstructed pizza"

Grilled Pizza

Grimbo (Greece/Greek + limbo)

Grinder (sandwich)

Gringa (tacos al pastor; salsa gringa)

Gringo

"Gringo conversions: 12 enchiladas = 1 footilada"

Gringolandia

"Grinning like a jackass eating briars"

Grip-'n'-grin (Grip-and-grin)

Gristede's Mega Store (Gristede's)

GRIT (Girl Raised In Texas)

Grits and Grunts

GRITS (Girl Raised In The South)

"Grits is the shit" ("Grits are the shit")

grOANN (One America News Network or OANN nickname)

Groath (growth)

"Grocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to turnip the covers endive into bed"

Grocerant (grocery + restaurant)

"Grocery shopping has become a real life version of PAC-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit"

"Grocery store workers ask 'paper or plastic' because baggers can't be choosers"

"Grocery stores advertise 'restaurant style'; restaurants advertise 'homestyle'"

"Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store..."

"Groom dogs, not kids"

Grope and Fail (Globe and Mail nickname)

Grosstedes (Gristedes nickname)

"Ground beef implies the existence of sky beef"

"Ground cinnamon implies the existence of sky cinnamon"

"Ground pepper implies the existence of sky pepper"

Ground Zero

Ground Zero Mosque

"A group for cyclists who ignore red lights: 'Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals'"

Grouponista (group coupon user)

"Grow gardens, not government"

"Grow vegetables, not government"

"Grow what you can and can what you grow"

"Grow your own dope -- plant a politician"

"Growing your own food is like printing your own money"

Grubberment (grubber + government)

Grunning (running + gunning)

Guac (guacamole)

Guacamole

"Guacamole is just avocado salsa"

"Guacamole is just avocado hummus"

"Guacamole is just Mexican mashed potatoes"

"Guacamole is just Mexican pesto"

"Guacamole is Mexican hummus"

Guacapocalypse or Guacpocalypse (guacamole + apocalypse)

Guacward (guacamole + awkward); Awkward Guacamole

Guantanamo on the Hudson (Little Gitmo) or Club Med on the Hudson (Pier 57)

Guaran-damn-tee or Guaran-dam-tee (a firm guarantee)

Guardian Angels

"Guards win games, but forwards win championships" (basketball adage)

Gubberment (Gubbermint)

Gubmint or Gub'mint (Gubment or Gub'ment)

Guess the Religion

"Guess what?"/"Chicken butt."

Guesstimate or Guestimate (guess + estimate)

"Guilty until proven slave"

Guinea Gangplank or Guinea Gang Plank (Verrazano-Narrows Bridge)

"Guinness doesn't travel well" (drink adage)

Gulf Coast Coffee (BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico)

Gulp of Mexico (tequila; Margarita cocktail; Corona beer; Tecate beer)

"Gum is a chew toy for humans"

Gumbo City (New Orleans nickname)

"Gummy bears are much smaller than gummy worms in the gummy universe"

Gun City (gun + Fun City)

"Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people..."

"Gun control is not about guns -- it's about control"

"Gun control is the belief that becoming a victim is morally superior to defending yourself"

"Gun control -- it only ends well for those who control the guns"

"Gun control means a steady aim"

"Gun control? Oh yes, the theory that becoming a victim is morally superior to defending yourself"

"Gun control only ends well for those who control the guns"

"Gun control only works out well for those who control the guns"

"Gun Control: the theory that becoming a victim is somehow morally superior to defending yourself"

"Gun free zone = easy victim zone"

"Gun-free zones are really 'easy victim zones'"

"Gun rights are women's rights"

Gundamentalist (gun + fundamentalist); Gundamentalism

Gunpocalypse (gun + apocalypse)

"Guns cause shootings like cameras cause pornography"

"Guns cause violence like cameras cause kiddie porn"

"Guns don't kill people. Abortions kill people"

"Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do"

"Guns don't kill people. Drivers on cell phones do"

"Guns don't kill people. Drivers with cell phones do"

"Guns don't kill people. Drivers with cellphones do"

"Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people"

"Guns don't kill people -- people kill people"

"Guns don't kill people. Planned Parenthood does"

"Guns don't kill people. Planned Parenthood kills people"

"Guns don't kill people. The government does"

"Guns don't make us unsafe. A government that bans them does"

"Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians"

"Guns Up" (Texas Tech)

"Guns won't fill the emptiness of your soul. You'll also need ammo"

Gunset Park (Sunset Park)

Gunshine State (gun + Sunshine State)

Gunslinger (or Gun Slinger)

Gunspoint or Gangspoint (Greenspoint District, Houston nickname)

Gunverment or Gunvernment (gun + government)

Gurgitator

"Gushers are just gummy ravioli"

"Gushers are just sweet ravioli"

Gustnado (Gust + Tornado)

Gut Bomb (Gutbomb; Gut Bomber)

Gutter Bunny (bicycle commuter)

Gutter Café (Gutter Dining)

"Guy about to invent soy sauce: 'Sure wish I could drink salt'"

Guy Friday (Man Friday)

"Guys who cook will do that thing you like... They'll make you food"

"Guys who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom"

GWB (George Washington Bridge, not G. W. Bush)

Gym Bunny

Gym Candy

"Gym hair, don't care"

"Gym? I thought you said gin"

"Gym? I thought you said gin"

Gym Rat

Gym Shoe Sandwich (Jim Shoe Sandwich)

"Gym update: Not there"

Gymaholic

"Gymnastics: Flying without wings" (gymnastics saying)

"Gyms are just tailors for birthday suits"

"Gyms must remain open. The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press"

Gymtimidation (gym + intimidation)

Gyoza (Japanese Ravioli)

"Gyozas are just Japanese pierogies"

Gypsy Cab

Gypsy Moth Republican

Gypsy Robe (Legacy Robe)

Gyro

H-Town (Houston nickname)

H2NO (H2O/water + no)

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

Hablanero (habla + habanero)

Hack-a-Player or Hack-a-Shaq (basketball foul strategy)

"Hack in black (robes)" (activist judge)

"Hacker: I have all your passwords. Me: OMG thank you, what are they?"

"Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s loans and mortgages"

"Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s student loans"

"Hackers need to step their game up and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages"

"Had a dream I was at work. Woke up and called off... I ain't working twice!"

"Had no idea why my salad was $175, then the waiter said that they only use beets by Dre"

Had One Never Did Again (Honda backronymic nickname)

"Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa"

Hail Mary (1975 Roger Staubach pass)

Haines Bottom (call of a market bottom on March 10, 2009)

"Hair, Horns and Holler" (ingredients of a cowboy stew)

Hairbag (veteran police officer)

Haircut Street (Pell Street)

"Haircuts for New Yorkers" (Dramatics NYC)

Hairy Man (Bigfoot/Sasquatch-type legend)

"Hairy vine, no friend of mine" (poison ivy adage)

"Hakuna Fermata. It means keep playing for the rest of your days"

"Hakuna Ma'Coffee. It means no worries. I'll just drink coffee for the rest of the day"

"Hakuna Ma'Vodka. It means no memories"

"Hakuna Mimosa. It means it's brunchtime"

"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine"

Half-and-Half (dairy product)

Half-and-Half Pizza

Half-and-Half (sweet tea + unsweetened iced tea)

Half-Baked

Half Marathon

"Half of Louisiana is under water and the other half is under indictment"

Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge ("homework" backronym)

Half-Smoke

"Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee. The other half, I wonder if it's too early..."

"Half the game is mental, the other half is being mental"

"Half the money spent on advertising is wasted, but no one knows which half"

Halfmoon: Solar Town, USA (nickname)

Halftime Flush or Super Bowl Flush (bathroom break during halftime)

Halfway House or Half-Way House (Anthony nickname)

Hall of Fame for Great Americans

"Hallmark implies the existence of Hallmatthew, Hallluke and Halljohn"

"Hallmark shows how to fall in love with men. Lifetime shows you how to kill them"

Hallothanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

Halloweekend (Halloween + weekend)

"Halloween apples!" (Halloween shout)

"Halloween calories don't count"

"Halloween costume idea: You should go as the person you pretend to be on Facebook"

"Halloween is only good for one thing. Which is..."

"Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup..."

"Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets"

"Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets"

"Halloween. Wearing masks, eating candy, listening to scary stuff..."

Hallowine (Halloween + wine)

Hallowthanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

Haloodie (halal + foodie)

HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

Ham and Eggs

"Ham radio implies the existence of a cheese antenna"

"Ham radio implies the existence of a Cuban sandwich radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of bacon radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of cheese radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of turkey radio and roast beef radio"

Ham Sandwich

Ham Tetrazzini

Hamburger (a full etymology)

"Hamburgers are just meat Oreos"

Hamburger Bun

"Hamburger comes from the German city of Hamburg. Cheeseburger comes from the city of Cheeseburg"

Hamburger Disease (hemolytic uremic syndrome)

Hamburger & Fletcher Davis of Athens, TX ("Original Home of the Hamburger"?)

"Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a darker Hamburger Hurter"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Betrayer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Hamperer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Harmer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Hinderer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Master"

"Hamburger patties are really just meatloaf cookies"

Hamburger Restaurant

Hamburger with everything; Hot Dog with everything; Pizza with everything

Hamburger with mustard and without ketchup (Cowboy Burger; Texas Burger)

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

Hamburguesa Mexicana (Mexican Burger)

Hamdog (hamburger + hot dog)

"Hamilton started the Treasury with nothing; that's the closest our country has been to being even"

Hamlet on the Hudson (Hamlet of the Hudson)

Hammunition (ham + ammunition)

Hamptons West (Far Rockaway)

Hand Money Over (HMO nickname)

"Hand sanitizer should be renamed 'paper cut finder'"

"Handcrafted soap is the best. No lye"

"Handmade soap is the best. No lye"

"Hands up! This is a civil asset forfeiture"

Handwich (hand + sandwich)

"Handy as hip pockets on a hog"

"Hang a lantern on your problem"

"Hang On, Peace Exists" ("hope" backronym)

"Hang up and drive" (driver safety slogan)

Hanging for murder is played out in New York

Hangman's Elm or Hanging Tree (English Elm in Washington Square Park)

Hangover Breakfast

Hangover Brunch

Hangover (Hang-over)

"Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever"

"Hangovers are temporary. Memories are forever"

Hangry (hungry + angry)

Hangtown Fry

"Han Solo's diet mainly consists of protein and fat... But he allows himself one carb a night"

Hanukkah Gelt

Hanukkah Gelt

Happetite (happy + appetite)

Happier Hour

"Happier than a bird with a french fry"

"Happier than a seagull with a french fry"

"Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee while working through the night"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee while working through the night"

"Happiness is a day called Friday"

"Happiness is a Texan headed south with an Okie under each arm"

"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life"

"Happiness is being halfway through the week"

"Happiness is coffee on a fall day"

"Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky -- and a dog to eat the rare steak"

"Happiness is homemade"

"Happiness is Lubbock, Texas, in my rear view mirror"

"Happiness is not having to set an alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not having to set the alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not having to set your alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them"

"Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth"

"Happiness lies in our own backyard, but it's probably well hidden by crabgrass"

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open"

"Happy as a witch in a broom factory" ("Happier than a witch in a broom factory")

"Happy Birthday to You...Chinese food!" ("Happy Birthday to You...cha-cha-cha")

"Happy Easter, happy spring, happy happy everything"

"Happy employees make for happy customers"

"Happy fall, y'all" ("It's fall, y'all")

Happy Family (Chinese dish)

"Happy Friday! Don't forget to be fabulous!"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human being"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human beings"

Happy Hour

"Happy International Women's Day to Alexa and Siri. The only women who listen to men"

"Happy Mexican St. Patrick's Day" (Cinco de Mayo)

Happy Minute (similar to "happy hour")

"Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that is raising your children"

"Happy new year!" (new year's shout)

"Happy Oscar Night! When we get to watch people who glorify adultery, murder, theft..."

"Happy Oscar night! Where we get to watch people who glorify disobedience, adultery, murder, theft, and lying..."

"Happy people live longer. Bacon makes you happy. Therefore, bacon makes you live longer"

"Happy slaves are the biggest enemies of freedom"

"Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my 'Woo Hoo!' for Friday"

"Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my 'Woohoo!' for Friday"

"Happy Thursday!!! You may now return to your regularly scheduled coffee"

Happy Together (Chinese dish of shrimp and chicken)

"HAPPY TUESDAY!!! You may now return to your regularly scheduled coffee"

Happy Waitress (grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and tomato)

Happy Warrior

"Happy whatever doesn't offend you" (greeting)

"Happy Women's Day to Alexa and Siri, the only women who listen to men!"

"Happy Women's Day to Alexa, Siri and Bixby. The only women to listen to men"

Happytalism (happy + -talism)

Harbor District

Hard Case State (Oregon nickname)

"Hard drinker? Drinking's one of the easiest things to do"

Hard Line (Hard Liner)

"Hard seltzer is just millennial Zima"

"Hard seltzer is just Zima for millennials"

"Hard seltzer is just Zima for zoomers"

"Hard shell tacos survive the factory, delivery trucks and the store, but..."

"Hard to find four innocent people in New York"

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard"

"Hard work is equal to prayer"

"Hard work is the accumulation of easy things you didn't do"

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (joke)

"Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now"

Hardball

"Harder than eating red beans with a pitchfork"

"Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self-control needed"

Hare Krishna Tree (American Elm in Tompkins Square Park)

"Harelips the governor" ("hare-lips the governor")

Harlem Apple (cocktail)

Harlem Big Apple Club Plaque Removed (2006)

Harlem Globetrotters

Harlem Hilton (FDNY Engine 69, Ladder 28)

"Harlem of the West" (San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago)

Harlem Shake (2001 dance)

Harlem Shake (2013 videos)

Harlem Shuffle

Harlem Week

Harlemite (inhabitant of Harlem)

Harlem's Beale Street (West 133rd Street)

Harlem's Cathedral (St. Charles Borromeo Church)

Harlem's jazz musicians (1930s)

Harlem's Main Street, or the Buckle of Harlem's Black Belt (125th Street)

Harlem's Restaurant Row (Frederick Douglass Boulevard)

Harlingenite (inhabitant of Harlingen)

Harm City

Harmony Row (Park Avenue, between 58th and 59th Streets)

Harmony Row (Park Avenue location of German-American musical societies)

Harmony Row (West 28th Street)

Harmony Row (West 28th Street, also called "Tin Pan Alley")

"Harry Potter walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Harvard of the South (Rice University nickname)

Harvard on the Border (UTEP nickname)

Harvard-on-the-Brazos (Baylor, Texas A&M nickname)

Harvard on the Highway (San Jacinto College nickname)

Harvard on the Neches (Lamar University nickname)

"Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or...?"

"Has anyone else ever noticed that Mallomars are marshmallows backwards? Duhhhhh"

"Has anyone else noticed the word 'pandemic' is just 'dem' surrounded by 'panic?'"

"Has anyone ever found their marbles?"

"Has anyone got any tips on cooking asparagus?"

"Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?"

"Has anyone tried turning the country off and on again?"

"Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second jar of Marmite?"

"Has there ever been a meat product that claimed it tastes like vegetables?"

Hasafashafsas

Hash Brownie

"Hash browns are just a socially acceptable way to eat french fries for breakfast"

"Hash browns are just breakfast french fries"

"Hash browns are just breakfast tater tots"

"Hash browns are just flat tater tots"

"Hash browns are just goyish latkes"

"Hash browns are just latkes for gentiles"

"Hash browns are just socially acceptable breakfast french fries"

Hash Browns (Hash Brown Potatoes; Hashed Brown Potatoes; Hashbrowns)

Hash-House Greek

Hash House Lingo

Hashbrowns (Hash Brown Potatoes; Hashed Brown Potatoes; Hash Browns)

"Hashbrowns are goyische latkes"

"Hashbrowns are just breakfast french fries"

"Hashbrowns are just breakfast tater tots"

Hashtivist (hashtag + activist)

"Hasta barista, baby"

"Hasta la pasta" (hasta la vista + pasta)

"Hasta la pizza" (hasta la vista + pizza)

"Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya"

Hat and T-shirt Victory

"Hate injures the hater, not the hated"

"Hating the IRS today is a great respite from hating my job"

Hatriot (hate + patriot)

"Haunted French pancakes give me the crépes"

"Have a big time in Texas" (Texas slogan)

"Have a good weekend because Monday will be here in 30 minutes"

"Have a great weekend because Monday will be here in 20 minutes"

"Have a piece of meat on your shin? That's bologna"

"Have my doubts about this 'smart water,' considering how easily it's captured and bottled"

"Have Only Positive Expectations" ("hope" backronym)

"Have saddle, will travel" (horse adage)

"Have some patience. I'm screwing things up as fast as possible"

"Have to love Easter, baby" (pun on "Hasta la vista, baby")

"Have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better?"

"Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet?"

Have Yachts (from "haves and have nots")

"Have y’all ever tried doing the speed limit and thinking they can’t be serious"

"Have you been called conspiracy theorist in 2020? You may be entitled to an apology"

"Have you been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage? You may be entitled to constipation"

"Have you ever had to park like an asshole because the person next to you parked like an asshole?"

"Have you ever noticed how many towns are named after their water towers?"

"Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing"

"Have you ever wondered how just one little dog controls so many sheep? Fear"

"Have you got anything smaller?" (taxi joke)

"Have you guys tried General Tso Tso's chicken? It's alright"

"Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg"

"Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The Hallouminati!"

"Have you heard about the game where you throw dice to win boats? Yachtzee!"

"Have you heard about the guy who bowled three hundred and one?" (joke)

"Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19? Most people infected are eh symptomatic"

"Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels"

"Have you heard the joke about getting rid of COVID? It's a riot!"

"Have you noticed that since all the beauty salons have closed, nobody's taking selfies?"

"Have you or a loved one been called a conspiracy theorist? You may be entitled to an apology"

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the Dalmatian website?"/"No - haven't spotted it so far."

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"/"No, but he's pretty good at skating!"

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"/"Yeah, his off-spin needs work."

"Have you seen the dynamite website?"/"Yes, it really blew my mind."

"Have you seen the hypnosis website?"/"Yes, but it put me to sleep."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the umbrella website?"/"Yes, but it went right over my head."

"Have you stopped beating your wife?" (loaded question)

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

"Have you tried the new 'stop eating crap all the time' diet?"

"Have your people call my people" (business saying)

"Have you heard the one about the bad pole vaulter? It never goes over very well"

"Haven’t gotten anything done today. Been in the produce dept., trying to open this stupid bag"

"Haven't had sex in so long, I'm frying bacon just to get spat on"

"Having 2 incomes is better than 1 when buying a home so make sure your partner is working two jobs"

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear underwear"

"Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you're rich"

"Having a favorite politician is like a slave having a favorite master"

"Having a garage sale is a great example of how, with many hours of planning and preparation..."

"Having a kid is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you're rich"

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness"

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness"

Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success ("haters" backronym)

"Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low"

"Having Monday off is a great opportunity to hate Tuesday"

"Having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have"

"Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put clothes on and leave your house"

"Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house"

Hawaii: Aloha State (nickname)

Hawaii: "Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?"

Hawaii Five-O (Chinese dish)

Hawaii Four-O (Chinese dish)

Hawaii: "Why do Cyclops have trouble spelling Hawaii?"/"You need two 'i's.'"

Hawaiian Pizza (Toast Hawaii)

Hawk

Hawks (Hunter College teams)

"HBO Max implies the existence of HBO Ruby"

"He ain't fit to tote guts to a bear"

"He always knew he was a little different, but he let his light shine. Be more Rudolph"

"He broke into song because he couldn't find the key"

"He can jump out of the gym" (cliché said of athletic NBA, NFL draft prospect)

"He can run, but he can't hide" ("You can run, but you can't hide")

"He can take his'n and beat your'n, or take your'n and beat his'n" (coaching adage)

"He cast down ten commandments. The two most important are..." (TV news joke)

"He could rescue a child from drowning and you'd accuse him of starving the sharks" (meme)

"He could sell ice to an Eskimo" (a good salesman)

"He could sell sand in the Sahara desert" (a good salesman)

"He couldn't find a Jew in the Bronx"

"He couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a banjo"

"He couldn't sell watermelons with the highway patrol blocking traffic"

"He gave a fireside chat and the fire went out" (joke)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"

"He is a big clog in their machine"

"He is a man of his most recent word"

"He made so many of them" (Daily News Building quote)

"He/She makes coffee nervous" (a very energetic and nervous person)

"He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch"

"He may not be in a class by himself, but it doesn't take long to call the roll"

"he problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven't had any yet"

"He puts his pants on one leg at a time" (he's human)

"He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious, I said he had no proof"

"He said, 'You remind me of a pepper pot.' I said, 'I'll take that as a condiment'"

"He should be left back...in the changing rooms" (soccer joke)

"He speaks English with the flawless imperfection of a New Yorker"

"He squeezes a nickel so tight the Indian cries" (he's cheap)

"He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams" (he's cheap)

"He stops, pops and it drops" (basketball phrase)

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He wears glasses during math because it improves division"

"He went on a cheese diet in order to cheddar few pounds"

"He who casts the first stone...isn't coming fishing again"

"He who controls the memes controls the universe"

"He who controls the memes controls the universe"

"He who controls the memes controls the world"

"He who controls the weather will control the world"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies"

"He who dies with the most toys wins"

"He who eats ice cream in a car is a sundae driver"

"He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito"

"He who forgets the language of gratitude can never be on speaking terms with happiness"

"He who frames the issue wins the debate"

"He who goes to bed hungry dreams of pancakes"

"He who has a thing to sell and goes and whispers in a well..."

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree"

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next exit"

"He who indulges, bulges"

"He who is content with his lot probably has a lot"

"He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do. Fallopians 5:12"

"He who kills time murders opportunity"

"He who opens a school door, closes a prison gate"

"He who reads the newspaper knows what's going on in the world. He who reads the Bible knows why"

"He who sells what isn't his'n, must buy it back or go to prison"

"He who speaks first loses" (negotiating adage)

"He who tampers with the currency robs labor of its bread"

"He who thanks with lips thanks but in part; the full, the true Thanksgiving comes from the heart"

"He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman..."

Head-and-Shoulders Pattern

"Head in the oven, feet in the freezer" (statistician joke on "averaging")

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes" (exercise song)

"Headphones imply the existence of shoulderphones, kneephones, and toephones"

"Headphones on. World off"

"Headphones, shoulderphones, kneephones and toephones" (sung to "Head, shoulders, knees and toes")

"Heads, I win; Tails, the government will bail me out"

"Heads in beds" (hospitality saying)

"Heads or tails: The war machine wins"

"Heads, shoulders, knees and toes" (exercise song)

"Heal the past, live the present, dream the future"

"Health is not injected"

Health Sinner

Healther

Healthing (health + helping)

Healthonism (health + hedonism); Healthonist

"Healthy eagles come from America. Ill eagles come from Mexico"

"Healthy eating is a sign of self-respect"

"Hear about the narcoleptic Chinese cook? He was always sleep wokking"

"Hear it now, watch it tonight, read about it tomorrow" (radio-television-newspaper adage)

"Hear me out: a keg but for iced coffee"

"Heard ye ma’s an anti vaxxer, calls herself Mrs. Doubtpfizer"

"Heart attack in a bag"

"Heart attack in a bottle" ("Heart attack in a can")

"Heart attack on a bun" ("Cholesterol on a bun")

"Heart attack on a plate" ("Cholesterol on a plate")

"Heart attack on a rack" (biscuits and gravy)

"Heart attack on a stick" ("Cholesterol on a stick")

Heart Of Texas (H.O.T.)

Heart of the Hills (Kerrville slogan)

Heart of the Valley (Donna motto/slogan)

"Heart wants love. Soul wants peace. Body wants sex. Stomach wants tacos"

Heartbeat Loan

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

"Heat makes things expand, so I don't have a weight problem. I'm just hot"

"Heat makes things expand. So I don't have a weight problem, I'm just hot"

"Heat, Pressure, and Time. The three things that make a diamond, also make a waffle"

Heated Canine (jocular term for "hot dog")

Heaven and Hell Cake (angel food and devil's food)

"Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy. Hell has open borders"

"Heaven has a wall and strict immigration policies. Hell has open borders"

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife"

"Heaven is where the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German..."

Heavenly Coffee (Not Chock Full O' Nuts?)

Heavenly Hash

Heavenly Houston (Houston nickname)

"Heavens to Betsy!" (exclamation)

Hebrew Brainwashing Organization (HBO nickname)

Hebrew Enemies (pork chops)

Hechsher

"Heck of a job, Brownie!" or "Heckuva job, Brownie!"

Hedgie

Hedgie Hive (15 Central Park West)

Heeler (Tammany Hall politics)

"Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to the kitchen I go. To grab a cup and fill it up. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho"

Heisman Trophy

Helicopter Drop or Helicopter Printing Press ("Helicopter Ben" Bernanke)

Helium City or Helium Capital of the World (Amarillo nickname)

"Helium walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Hell-bent for election"

"He'll do to ride the river with"

"Hell for breakfast" ("Hell-bent for breakfast")

"Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry"

"Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pressed the elevator button"

"Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pushed the elevator button"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest parading as a moral principle"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest scorned"

Hell Mary (hell + Hail Mary pass; 2023 NY Jets football play)

Hell Paso (El Paso nickname)

Hell Square

"Hello, April. Please, be a month of rebirth, regrowth and renewal"

"Hello Brooklyn"

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll be here at 4 p.m." (October saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll be here at 5 p.m." (September saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll start at 5 p.m." (September saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 4 p.m." (October saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 5 p.m." (October saying)

Hello Dolly Squares (Hello Dolly Bars; Hello Dolly Cookies; Hello Dolly Cake; Hello Dollies)

"Hello, government? I'd like to unsubscribe from your 'service'"

"Hello, Monday, you bastard"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweet tea"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweet tea"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweetened tea"

"Hello, sucker!" & "Give this little girl a big hand!" (Texas Guinan)

Hell's Bedroom

Hells Fargo or Hell's Fargo (Wells Fargo nickname)

Hell's Half Acre (Sands Street; Chatham Square)

Hell's Hundred Acres

Hell's Kitchen

Hell's Kitchener (inhabitant of Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan)

Hell's Kitchenette

Hell's Pantry

Hellsea (Hell's Kitchen + Chelsea)

Hellyweird (hell + weird + Hollywood)

Hellywood (hell + Hollywood)

"Help! I'm having a coincidence!!"

"help me, i am trapped/ in a haiku factory/ save me, before they"

"Help your friend on a diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn"

Hen Coop (the women's page) & the first advice column

Hen Fruit (eggs)

"Her (end of a date): We should have dinner again. Him: Thanks, but I'm full."

"Her: Let's meet for a drink and see where it goes!" (joke)

Herald Square and Times Square

Herb

"Herbal tea tastes so much better when it's coffee"

"Here Comes Mister Softee" (1959)

"Here Everything's Better" & "HEB-ing" or "Hebbing"

"Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin', giving birth to another Texan" (bathroom graffiti)

"Here in the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it a cocktail"

"Here in the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it sweet tea"

"Here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning"

"Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi"

"Here's a house without a flaw" (real estate joke)

"Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there..."

"Here's a question for all you mind readers out there..."

"Here's a reminder before you lose your shit today. They don't serve alcohol in prison"

"Here's how!" & "Here's looking at you!" (drinking toast)

"Here's mud in your eye" (toast)

"Here's my take on high school reunions. If I haven't contacted you in the last 20 years..."

"Here’s to a long life and a merry one..." (toast)

"Here's to good women: May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them"

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends -- may they never meet!" (toast)

"Here’s to strong women: May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them"

"Here's to you and here's to me. May we never disagree" (toast)

"Here's to you and here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be" (toast)

"Here’s your Social Security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it"

Herf (draw on a cigar or cigarette)

Herkie Jump (or Herky Jump, after Lawrence Herkimer; incorrectly as Hurkie Jump or Hurky Jump)

Hero Ball (basketball style)

Hero Sandwich

"Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with"

"Heroes work here" (slogan)

Heroin Highway (Eighth Avenue; Long Island Expressway)

Heroin Island (heroin + Staten Island)

Herroner (her honor)

"Hershey's Kisses are just big chocolate chips"

"He's 20. In 10 years, he'll have a chance to be 30" (a bad young player)

"He's a master debater" (joke on "masturbator")

"He's got more guts than you can hang on a fence"

"He's making a list, chicken and rice..."

"He's smoking at a gas station because he's about to blow up!"

"He's so dumb, he stayed up all night studying for a urine test"

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front"

"Hey autocorrect, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift"

"Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?" (socially distancing pickup line)

"Hey, bartender!"

"Hey, does anyone have a charger? My milk is only at 2%"

"Hey, don’t call me a cynic but I’m starting to think these blood drinking, moloch worshipping..

"Hey girl, are you a cop? Because you’ve taken my breath away"

"Hey girl, are you a parked car?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you a piñata? Because I'd hit that" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you a school?" (NSFW joke)

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because if I took you home, it might kill my parents"

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because your smile is infectious" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you're breathtaking" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you in the proletariat? Because I feel an uprising in my lower class"

"Hey girl, do you have coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking atchoo" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, your name must be Moderna because you just made my heart stop"

"Hey girl, your name must be Pfizer because you just made my heart stop"

"Hey, hey! Ho, ho! (Person/thing) has got to go!" (protest chant)

"Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again"

"Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open"

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"/"No idea, they just ransomware."

"Hey, remember when you didn’t need coffee to function and buying jeans didn’t make you cry?"

"Hey, remember when you didn't need coffee to function and your back didn't hurt?"

"Hey, Rube!" (circus cry)

"Hey Siri, delete my belly"

"Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?"/"My name is ALEXA..."

"Hey there, Delilah. What's it like in New York City?"

"Hey there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! We've been looking for you since Monday!"

"Hey there, Friday! You sexy beast. I've been looking for you since Monday"

"Hey vegans, my food poops on your food"

"Hey vegans, my food shits on your food"

"Hey vegetarians, my food poops on your food"

"Hey vegetarians, my food shits on your food"

"Hey, what are you doing in the supermarket?" (joke)

"Hey Walmart, don't be pissed at me for not scanning everything" (joke)

"Hi everybody, and a pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be" (Vin Scully catchphrase)

"Hi Friday! I’ve been looking for you since Monday"

"HI, HOW ARE YOU" (Daniel Johnston artwork)

"Hi, I'd like to buy a cookie with chocolate chips."/ "Sorry, we only accept cash."

Hi Sign (Hidy Sign; One-Finger Wave; Medina Wave; Texas Finger Wave)

Hick Hop

"Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock..." (joke)

"Hickory dickory dock, two mice ran up the clock..." (joke)

Hide-and-Speak (electronic constituent communications)

"Hide from wind, run from water" (hurricane adage)

"High blood pressure implies the existence of high crip pressure"

High Finance

High Five Friday

High-rise

"High school bands go to football games, but football players don't attend band concerts"

"High school is like a free trial on education" (college joke)

"High school teams adjust next game; college teams next half; NFL teams next series"

High-Speed Swim Lane (HSSL or "hustle")

"High taxes don't redistribute income, they redistribute people"

High Tech Happy Hour (Low Tech Happy Hour)

"Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor."

Highest Town in Texas -- Where the Stars Come Out to Play (Fort Davis slogan)

Highlanders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words"

Highly Trained Broadcast Specialist (radio talk show host)

Highway of Death (Texas State Highway 195)

Highway of Light (1920s air route, New York to San Francisco)

"Hill of beans" (idiom)

Hillbilly (Hill Billy)

Hilltoppers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hindenburg Omen

Hindoo or Hindu (a do-over)

Hindoo or Hindu (handball term)

Hip-Hop

"Hip hop onions are rap scallions"

Hip Hop Theater Festival

Hipchester (Williamsburg and Greenpoint)

Hippie Church ("gospel brunch" in Austin)

Hippie Punching

Hippie Roll or Hippy Roll (Eppie Roll or Eppy Roll)

Hippie Sandwich (Hippie Burger)

Hippie School (P.S.3-The Charrette School nickname)

"Hippies use side door" (restaurant sign)

Hippo Capital of Texas (Hutto nickname)

Hipster Express (Knowit Express buses from Brooklyn to Washington, DC nickname)

Hipster Express (L train nickname)

"Hipster ghosts are too ghoul for school"

Hipster Industrial Complex

Hipstrict (hipster + district)

Hipsturbia (hipster +suburbia)

"Hire character. Train skill"

"Hire for attitude, train for skills"

"Hire someone, fire someone, and rearrange the furniture" (a new CEO's tasks)

"Hire teenagers now, while they still know everything"

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours"

"His limitations are limitless"

"His Prices Are Insane!" (Crazy Eddie)

"His shooting range starts when he enters the gym" (basketball saying)

Hispandering (Hispanic + pandering)

Hispennial (Hispanic + millennial)

Historic Harlem Parks Film Festival

"Historic preservationists make it last longer" (bumper sticker)

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme"

"History flows forward on rivers of beer"

"History is a set of lies agreed upon"

"Hit and don't get hit" (boxing axiom)

"Hit hard, run fast, turn left" (baseball/softball advice)

"Hit Sign, Win Suit" (Abe Stark's Clothing Store)

"Hit the books" (to study)

"Hit the gym" (to go to the gym to work out)

"Hit the spot" (satisfy hunger or thirst)

"Hit what you see and see what you hit" (football adage)

"Hitler wasn't all bad. After all, he did kill Hitler"

"Hits rock bottom. *adds Geologist to resume"

"Hitters don't hit home runs -- pitchers throw them" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is contagious" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is timing; pitching is upsetting timing" (baseball adage)

Hizzoner (his honor)

Hillmen (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hoagie (sandwich)

Noah's Boy (ham)

"Hoarders suffer from 'stock home' syndrome"

Hoaxdemic (hoax + pandemic)

Hoaxiversary (hoax + anniversary)

Hoaxvid-19 (hoax + COVID-19)

HOBO (ham on bagel omelet)

Hoboken Special (pineapple soda and chocolate ice cream)

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Hoboweryite (hobo + Boweryite)

"Hockey hair, don't care"

"Hockey is a dangerous sport last time I checked"

"Hockey is figure skating in a war zone"

"Hockey is for everyone" (NHL slogan)

"Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world's last Oreo"

"Hockey is technically a water sport"

Hockey on Horseback (polo nickname)

"Hockey players have fire in their hearts and ice in their veins"

Hockey Puck (a burger, especially a hamburger cooked "well done")

Hocto Dog or Hoctodog (octopus hot dog)

"Hocus pocus, I need coffee to focus"

Hodger

"How come 8 hours at home take 20 mins, but 8 hours at work take 6 days"

"How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Just one, but it takes twelve visits."

Hoffman House (cocktail)

Hogtown (Toronto, Canada nickname)

HoHo (Houston + Holland Tunnel)

Hokey Pokey (ice cream)

"Hold all my calls. Someone on the internet disagrees with one of my tweets"

‘’Hold my bag of chips and coke while I google if raw milk is safe’’

"Hold my bag of chips & Mountain Dew while I google if raw milk is safe"

"Hold my chips and soda while I Google if raw milk is safe"

"Hold my Febreze and Doritos while I google if raw milk is safe"

Hold On Pain Ends ("hope" backronym)

"Holiday calories don't count"

Holiday Pounds

"Hollandaise is just mayonnaise made of ground up people from Holland"

"Hollandaise sauce is just hot mayonnaise"

"Hollandaise sauce is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad"

"Hollandaise sauce is just warm mayonnaise"

Hollar-peño (holler + jalapeño)

Holler-peño (holler + jalapeño)

Hollow Prize

Hollyweird (Hollywood + weird)

Hollywood East (Astoria; Long Island City)

Hollywood North (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Hollywood on the Hudson (proposed Hudson River pier)

Hollywood South (New Orleans nickname)

"Hollywood's solution to fight online piracy: make movies so bad no one wants to watch them, even for free"

"Holy cow!" (Yankee announcer Phil Rizzuto catchphrase)

Holy Grail of Liberalism (tax increases)

"Holy guacamole!"; "Holy cannoli!"

"Holy jalapeño!"

"Holy mackerel!"

"Holy pepperoni!"

"Holy shiitake!"

Holy Shit Bank Corrupt (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit Buffalo's Cold (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit my Bank's Chinese (HSBC nickname)

Holy Trinity (onions, celery, bell peppers in Louisiana cuisine)

Hombre & Bad Hombre Eggs

Home Brainwashing Office (HBO nickname)

Home Cheapo (Home Depot nickname)

Home Despot (Home Depot nickname)

"Home fries imply the existence of away fries"

"Home invasions should decline. Everyone is at home with guns..."

"Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where my plants are"

"Home is where our story begins"

"Home is where the cat hair is"

"Home is where the cat hair sticks to everything but the cat"

"Home is where the cat hairs stick to everything... except the cat"

"Home is where the dog hair is"

"Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog"

"Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything except the dog"

"Home is where the free food is"

"Home is where the heart is"

"Home is where the mortgage is"

"Home is where the plants are"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste funny"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste like anything"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste weird"

"Home is where the tap water is tasteless"

"Home is where the tap water tastes good"

"Home is where the tap water tastes normal"

"Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically"

"Home is where you can look and feel ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where you can look ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where you can trust the toilet seat is clean before you sit down"

"Home is where you poop most comfortably"

"Home is where you poop with the door open"

"Home is where you trust the toilet seat"

"Home is where your plants are"

Home of Happy Feet/The Track (Savoy Ballroom nicknames)

Home of Hilton's First Hotel (Cisco slogan)

"Home of the 7 oz. Burger" (Jackson Hole)

"Home of the free 72-oz. steak" (Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo)

Home of the Grapefruit (Mission slogan)

Home of the Haze (Washington Heights)

Home of the Hereford (Albany slogan)

Home of the Oatmeal Festival (Bertram slogan)

Home of the Painted Churches (Schulenburg nickname)

"Home of Warm Beer, Lousy Food, and an Ugly Owner" (Waterfront Ale House)

Home Office of Baseball (Yankee Stadium)

Home Run Apple

Home Run Apple (Shea Stadium & Citi Field, 1980-present)

"Home run hitters drive Cadillacs and singles hitters drive Fords"

"Home schooled kids still have school" (snow/virus school closure joke)

"Home schooling question: Does having your children fix your mixed cocktails count as chemistry?"

"Home, sweet home"

"Home sweet home office"

"Home, Sweet Home"

"Home Sweet Homeroom" ("Home Sweet Classroom")

"Home sweet office"

"HOME: Where the HO & ME come together"

"Homebrewing is my hobby; beer is my reward"

"Homeless are people are the best activists. They're always asking for change!"

"Homemade with love. In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it"

"Homes are where jobs go at night"

"Homeschool Day One: Wondering how to get this kid transferred out of my class"

"Homeschooled kids miss out on being a gay communist"

"Homework: Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough"

"Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong"

"Homework is mandatory unpaid overtime for school children"

"Homework is the school's version of unpaid overtime"

"Hominy, sir?"/"Oh, about four or five." (Northerner ordering grits)

Homo Set

Honest Politician (when bought, stays bought)

"Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand"

"Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age, it's my use of complete sentences when I text"

"Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel"

"Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking"

"Honesty in politics is like oxygen -- the higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes"

"Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people"

"Honesty is not only morally right, it's also highly efficient"

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense"

Honey Do List ("Honey, do this; honey, do that")

"Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far"

Honeymoon Salad (lettuce alone and no dressing)

Hong Kong Dragon Boat Festival

Hong Kong on the Hudson (Hudson Yards)

"Honk if a kid falls out" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if I'm an Aggie" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if I'm paying your mortgage" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if one of my kids flies out" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if parts fall off" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love peace and quiet" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you see parts fall off" (bumper sticker)

Honku (honk + hailku)

Honky Tonk (not from Tonk pianos)

Honorary Texan

Hoofer (a dancer)

"Hook "Em Horns" & "Hook 'Em Cows"

Hooker

"Hooker: Would you like super sex? Old Timer: I'll have the soup!"

Hoop-and-the-Harm (a basket and a foul shot)

"Hoover Hog," "Poor Man's Pig," "Poverty Pig" (armadillo nicknames)

"Hooverville" (1930)

Hope Bubble

"Hope is a lousy hedge" ("Hope is a poor hedge")

"Hope is your worst enemy in the market"

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

"Hope they allow us off lockdown by July 4th, so we can celebrate our freedom"

"Hope this virus gets resolved before tick season starts, or we'll be dealing with Corona with Lyme"

"Hope you like my new recipe. They're called shut the fucupcakes"

"Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon. Shouldn't have eaten it, really"

Hoping your news is good news

Hopium (hope + opium)

Hopkins County Stew

Hoppin' John or Hopping John (Limping Kate; Limping Susan)

Horchata

"Horn broke -- watch for finger" (bumper sticker)

Horndog High (James Madison High School nickname)

Horrible Body Odor (HBO nickname)

Horrible Body Odour (HBO nickname)

Horrible Horseshoe & Hogan's Alley (Colonial Country Club, Fort Worth)

"Horrifying Vegetarians Since 1980" (The Post House)

"Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces"

Horse Ballet (dressage nickname)

"Horse high, bull strong, and pig tight" (qualities of a Texas fence)

"Horse meat burgers won't be around furlong"

Horse Opera

"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people"

"Horsepower is what you read about, but torque is what you feel" (automotive saying)

"Horseradish is just American wasabi"

"Horseradish is just basically Jewish wasabi"

"Horseradish is just redneck wasabi"

"Horseradish is just white people wasabi"

"Horseradish is just cowboy wasabi"

"Horses can't read the tote board" (horse racing adage)

Horseshit Beach (Orchard Beach)

Horseshoe Sandwich

"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were"

"Hospitals don't have patients; doctors have patients and hospitals have doctors"

"Hot air balloon lands in a field" (accountant/ economist/ mathematician joke)

Hot and Sour Soup

"Hot as fuque" or "Hõte ás fuqùe" ("hot as fuck")

Hot-Button Issue

"Hot chocolate is basically chocolate soup"

"Hot chocolate is like a hug from the inside"

Hot Chubbies (sausages by Nemecek Brothers of West, Texas)

"Hot cocoa is just chocolate soup"

"Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates"

"Hot diggety dog" ("Hot diggity dog")

Hot Dog Diplomacy

Hot Dog & Mustard

Hot Dog of the Sea (surimi nickname)

Hot Dog (Polo Grounds myth & a full etymology)

Hot Dog Roll (Hot Dog Bun; Vienna Roll)

Hot dog served with white gloves (myth)

Hot Doggery

Hot Dogs at Baseball Games

"Hot dogs, cold beer -- it's not complicated" (Schnack)

"Hot dogs taste better at the ball park"

"Hot dogs taste better when the home team wins"

"Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk"

Hot Guts (Elgin, TX hot sausage)

Hot Hamburger

Hot Mineral Water City of Texas (Marlin nickname)

HOT! NYC Celebration of Queer Culture

"Hot Pockets are a poor man's stromboli"

"Hot Pockets are just dinner Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just lunch Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just meat Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just mini strombolis"

"Hot Pockets are the poor man's calzone"

Hot Sauce Blue Cheese or Hot Sauce Bleu Cheese (HSBC nickname)

Hot Sauce Festival (Austin Chronicle)

"Hot sauce in my bag"

"Hot sauce is just angry ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just edgy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just ketchup for adults"

"Hot sauce is just ketchup for grownups"

"Hot sauce is just Mexican ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just sexy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just spicy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is traditionally served lukewarm"

"Hot sauce is typically served cold"

"Hot sauce is usually served at room temperature"

Hot Tub (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Hotel — A place where you pay dollars for quarters"

"Hotel as Theater" (Royalton Hotel)

Hotel for Autos

Hotel Goldman (Embassy Suites nickname)

"Hotel lobbies must be the main place many people had their first experience with cucumber water"

"Hotel Manager: Did you rent the entire second floor to clowns? Me: It's a pretty funny story"

"Hotels offer you free breakfast not as a perk, but so that you get up and check out earlier"

Hotlanta

Hotteok (Korean sweet pancake)

"Hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch" (very hot)

"Hotter than a firecracker on the Fourth of July" (very hot)

"Hotter than a jalapeño's armpit" (very hot)

"Hotter than a jalapeño's armpit" (very hot)

"Hotter than a Laredo parking lot" (Dan Rather, election night 2000)

"Hotter than a meth pipe on payday" (very hot)

"Hotter Than a Stolen Tamale;" "Hotter Than a Fur Coat in Marfa"

"Hotter than a Times Square Rolex" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease at a fat man convention" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than noon on the Fourth of July" (very hot)

"Hotter than the Fourth of July" (very hot)

Hotumn (hot + autumn)

House of Corruption (UK House of Commons nickname)

House of Countless Drops (bar)

House of Death (14 West 10th Street)

House of Reprehensibles (House of Representatives nickname)

"House salad implies the existence of a drum and bass salad"

"House salad implies the existence of apartment salad"

"House to let, inquire within; people turned out for drinking gin"

"House wine should be on the house"

Housemade

"Housework, if you do it right, will kill you"

"Housing IS the business cycle"

Houston Barnacle or Houston Barnicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Chronic (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Comical (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Crummyicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Hot Sauce Festival

"Houston is actually an hour away from Houston"

"Houston is an hour away from Houston"

"Houston is Los Angeles with the climate of Calcutta" (Molly Ivins?)

"Houston is two hours away from Houston"

"Houston. It's Worth It"

Houston Lite or Baby Houston

Houston Moronicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston North or Houston of the North or Little Houston (Calgary nickname)

Houston Pest (Houston Post nickname)

"Houston Proud"

Houston Roll (sushi)

Houston Street (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

Houston (summary)

Houston (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

"Houston -- The Real Texas"

"Houston, we have a problem"

Houstonian (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonite (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonize ("Don't Houstonize Austin")

"Houston's Hot"

Houston's Plymouth Rock & Houston's Heart (Allen's Landing)

"How about that!" (Yankee announcer Mel Allen catchphrase)

"How about them cookies?"

How am I doing?

"How are an apple and a lawyer alike?" (lawyer joke)

"How are genders like the Twin Towers?" (joke)

"How are you going to fight me with a block of cheese?"/"It's extra sharp."

"How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?"

"How 'bout them Cowboys?"

"How can a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune & Halloween costume make something tasty?"

"How can anyone not love New York?"

"How can I install Dominion on my bank account?" (Dominion Voting Systems joke)

"How can politicians represent you when they are given millions to represent someone else?"

"How can radio stations claim to play today's best music when today's music sucks?"

"How can the government 'buy back' my guns? They never owned them"

"How can they both be right?"/"You're right, too."

"How can we have world peace when we can't even have Coke and Pepsi in the same restaurant?"

"How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?" (riddle)

"How can you find the Easter bunny?"/"Eggs (x) marks the spot."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get to see the official bird of New York City?"/"Cut someone off."

"How can you help a starving cannibal?"/"Give them a hand."

"How can you make a turkey float?"/"Get 2 ice cream scoops, root beer and a turkey."

"How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?" (riddle)

"How can you tell economists have a sense of humor?"/"They use decimal points."

"How can you tell good cops from bad cops?"/"Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge."

"How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?"/"It only has Finns on one side."

"How can you tell if a guy singing karaoke is a plumber?"/"By how he uses his fauceto."

"How can you tell if a rice cake is stale?"

"How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?"/"The bow is moving."

"How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?"/"He's Dublin over with laughter!"

"How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?"/"By the bark."

"How can you tell the truth is being told? Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it..."

"How can you tell time if clocks don’t have ears?"

"How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung" (lawyer joke)

"How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving!"

"How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?"/"When the other tenors notice."

"How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?"/"He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you."

"How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?" (joke)

"How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How come alcohol never kills brain cells that make me want to drink?"

"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"

"How come, if ants are always so busy, they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come liquor stores don't have empty shelves? People are about to be quarantined with spouses"

"How come married women are heavier than single women?" (joke)

"How come so many small towns are named after water towers?"

"How come, when my wife says 'we need to talk,' it's never about football?"

"How come 'you're a peach' is a compliment but 'you're bananas' is an insult?"

"How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?"/"He prawned everything."

"How December 2020 is going to look like: 'Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear'"

"How did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?" (restaurant joke)

"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday?"/"He felt his presents."

"How did Flori die?"/"She died in Missouri."

"How did Mussolini win the race?"/"He was the fascist."

"How did rich people get their money?"/"They were calm and collected."

"How did Santa kill a dragon?"/"He sleighed it."

"How did Scrooge win the football game?"/"The ghost of Christmas passed!"

"How did the banker die?"/"He cashed out."

"How did the blonde die drinking milk?"/"The cow fell on top of her."

"How did the butcher introduce his wife?"/"Meat Patty!"

"How did the cheesemaker paint his wife?"/"He Double Gloucester."

"How did the egg cross the road?"/"It scrambled across."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the Eskimo build his house?"/"Igloo-d it together."

"How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?"/"He lost the other in Nom."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue?" (joke)

"How did the hipster drown?"/"He went ice skating before it was cool."

"How did the Irish jig get started?"/"Lots of beer and only one bathroom."

"How did the jury find the hamburger?"/"Grill-ty as charred."

"How did the math teacher kill himself?"/"He used a hypotenuse."

"How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?"/"It hugged the shore."

"How did the old French cheese-maker die?"/"From age."

"How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?"

"How did the programmer die in the shower?"/"The shampoo bottle read: Lather. Rinse. Repeat."

"How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?"/"He could feel it in his bones."

"How did the vegan fix her flat?"/"A spare I guess."

"How did the wine glass get home?"/"A cab."

"How did the wine glass get home?"/"A cab."

"How did the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?"/"He was dead lifting."

"How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?"

"How did Wendy die?"/"The Baconator."

"How did you become a star?" (joke)

"How did you find the weather on your vacation?"/"I just went outside and there it was."

"How did you find your steak?" (joke)

"How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?"/"They carry the one."

"How do bees get to school?"/"On the school buzz."

"How do brackish fish communicate?"/"Using tilapiathy."

"How do bunnies stay healthy?"/"Eggercise."

"How do bunnies stay in shape?"/"Hareobics."

"How do chickens dance?"/"Chick to chick."

"How do comedians send messages?"/"By tee-hee mail."

"How do communists measure time?"/"Ours."

"How do Communists tell time?"/"Ours."

"How do construction workers party?"/"They raise the roof."

"How do cops like their coffee?"/"Black with a couple of shots in it."

"How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?"/"They twerk from home."

"How do dentists pay for their lawyers?"/"Retainers."

"How do dog catchers get paid?"/"By the pound."

"How do elves eat their pancakes?"/"In short stacks."

"How do fish celebrate Christmas?"/"By hanging reefs on the door."

"How do fish lose weight?"/"They Swim-fast."

"How do fishermen get jobs?"/"Networking."

"How do flags greet each other on a windy day?"/"They wave."

"How do German breads greet each other?/"By saying 'Gluten Tag!'"

"How do ghosts like their eggs?"/"Terri-fried."

"How do ghosts obtain money?"/"Via a polterheist."

"How do hedge fund workers jerk off?"/"They give it a short squeeze."

"How do hedge fund workers masturbate?"/"They give it a short squeeze."

"How do hens encourage their football teams?"/"They egg them on."

"How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake"

"How do I stop eating chips and salsa? Do they run out...or do I die...or what?"

"How do I take my coffee? Seriously. Very seriously"

"How do I tell time when clocks have no ears?"

"How do Indian restaurants stay open without their naan essential staff?"

"How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so shiny?"/"They use Kernel Sanders."

"How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so smooth?"/"They use Kernel Sanders."

"How do knights communicate?"/"Chain mail."

"How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?"/"You can almost hear them."

"How do locomotives hear?"/"Through the engineers."

"How do mathematicians scold their children?"/"If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times

"How do Mexican keep warm?"/"They use chicken for heaters."

"How do mountains hear?"/"With mountaineers."

"How do mountains see?"/"They peak."

"How do mountains stay warm?"/"Snowcaps."

"How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head solve their arguments?"/"They hash it out."

"How do parents lose their kids in a mall?! Seriously. Any tips welcome"

"How do pastors make orange juice?"/"They pulpit."

"How do pirates communicate with each other?"/"With an aye phone."

"How do pirates pay for a round of rum down at the pub?"/"With bar-nickels."

"How do preachers make orange juice?"/"Pulpit."

"How do snowmen travel around?"/"By icicle."

"How do they charge you in a Chinese restaurant?"/"Perpetuate."

"How do they figure out the price of hammers?"/"Per pound."

"How do they have their pasta in Hell?"/"Al Dante."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trees feel in the spring?"/"Releaved."

"How do trees get on the internet?"/"They log in."

"How do weathermen get up a mountain?"/"They climate."

"How do you ask out a D&D player?"/"Ask them for a D8."

"How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?"/"President Ben Franklin walks into a bar..."

"How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?"/"President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...'"

"How do you break into a house?"/"Intruder window."

"How do you catch a drummer?"/"With a snare."

"How do you catch a school of fish?"/"With a bookworm."

"How do you color a cactus?"/"With a Sharpie."

"How do you convert an atheist to a theist?"/"Just give them a little space."

"How do you cook a crocodile?"/"In a 'croc' pot."

"How do you cook duck eggs?"/"You quack them open."

"How do you cook kidneys?"/"Boil the piss out of them."

"How do you cook toilet paper?"/"Brown it on one side, then throw it in the pot."

"How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?" (flute joke)

"How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?"/"Apply the pumpkin patch."

"How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?"/"With oar-naments."

"How do you divide 20 potatoes among 6 people?"/"Boil them and mash them."

"How do you do the wave at a chess match?"/"With your eyebrows."

"How do you drown a hipster?"/"In the mainstream."

"How do you eat an elephant?"/"One bite at a time"

"How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?"/"Ramen."

"How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread? Cut the ends and now you have endless bread"

"How do you feel about canned food? Personally, I'd give it an ate out of tin"

"How do you fix a broken pizza?"/"Tomato paste."

"How do you fix a broken sousaphone?"/"With a tuba glue."

"How do you fix a broken tuba?"/"With a tuba glue."

"How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?"/"With a pumpkin patch."

"How do you get a farm girl to like you?"/"A tractor."

"How do you get a French waiter's attention?"/"Start ordering in German."

"How do you get a grandmother to swear?"/"Have another say 'Bingo!'"

"How do you get a guitarist to turn down the volume?" (joke)

"How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you get a parrot to talk properly?"/"Send him to polytechnic."

"How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?"/"Unzip it."

"How do you get an actor off your front porch?" (joke)

"How do you get an actor to complain?"/"Give him a job."

"How do you get an elephant out of the theater?"/"You can't. It's in his blood."

"How do you get gold's attention?"/"You yell Au."

"How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?"/"You column."

"How do you get into college?"/"Through the door."

"How do you get rid of a fat ghost in a house?"/"You exercise it."

"How do you get rid of a boomerang?"/"Throw it down a one-way street."

"How do you get to Carnegie Deli?" (joke)

"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" (joke)

"How do you handle a dangerous cheese?"/"Caerphilly."

"How do you inspect Greek food?"/"With a gyroscope."

"How do you insult a hamburger patty?"/"Call it a meatball!"

"How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer?"/"Invite two of them."

"How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?"/"Put him in your back yard."

"How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?"/"Put it in a viola case."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you kill a coffee bean?"/"By decaf-itation."

"How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one"

"How do you know if someone invests in crypto?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is a vegan?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?"

"How do you know if someone is holding cryptocurrency?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is vaccinated?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if there's a lead singer outside your door?" (joke)

"How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?"/"Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?"

"How do you know when a drummer is at your door?" (joke)

"How do you know when a liberal is really dead?'/"His heart stops bleeding."

"How do you know when a website is lying? It ends in dot gov"

"How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?"/"When he's always coffin."

"How do you know when Santa is in the room?"/"You can sense his presents."

"How do you know when someone is a Bitcoin enthusiast?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know when the stage is level?"/"Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth."

"How do you know when the weather is entertained?"/"When the thunder claps."

"How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?"/"She fits in your wife's clothes."

"How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?"/"When it has hares in it."

"How do you like school, Billy?"/"Closed."

"How do you like them apples?"

"How do you make a bandstand?"/'Take away their chairs."

"How do you make a Belgian waffle?"/"Ask him why they have never won the World Cup."

"How do you make a Black Russian?"/"Get the BBC to remake Dr. Zhivago."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?"/"Tell her a joke on Wednesday."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?"/"Tell her a joke on Friday."

"How do you make a cheese puff?"/"Chase it around the kitchen."

"How do you make a cheeseburger sad?"/"Make it with blue cheese."

"How do you make a cream puff?"/"Chase it around the block."

"How do you make a fruit cordial?" (joke)

"How do you make a hamburger laugh?"/"Pickle it gently."

"How do you make a hot dog stand?"/"Take away its chair."

"How do you make a lemon puff?"/"Chase it round the garden."

"How do you make a motherboard?"/"Tell her a long and pointless story."

"How do you make a musician complain?"/"Give him a gig."

"How do you make a pancake smile?"/"Butter him up."

"How do you make a potato puff?"/"Chase it around the garden."

"How do you make a rabbit stew?"/"Make it wait for three hours."

"How do you make a salad wrap?"/"Add some beets."

"How do you make a sausage roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make a slow worker fast?"/"Don't give him anything to eat for a while."

"How do you make a spring roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make a Swiss roll?"/"Push him down a hill."

"How do you make a tissue dance?"/"Put a little boogie in it."

"How do you make a tuna melt?" (joke)

"How do you make a Venetian blind?"/"Poke him in the eye."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Sit in the back and don't play."

"How do you make a walnut laugh?"/"Crack it up!"

"How do you make an actor moan?"/"Give them a job."

"How do you make an apple puff?"/"Chase it around the garden."

"How do you make an egg roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make an electric car go faster?"/"A tow truck."

"How do you make an elephant float?"/"Just add ice cream."

"How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?"/"Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve."

"How do you make an Italian wine?"/"Kick him in the shins."

"How do you make bourbon?"/"You take some moonshine, put it in a barrel..."

"How do you make Easter easier?"/"Replace the t with an i."

"How do you make extra virgin olive oil?"/"Use extra ugly olives."

"How do you make hard cider?"/"Put it in the freezer."

"How do you make Manischewitz wine?"/"Kick him in the nuts."

"How do you make rice wine cold?"/"Remove the 'r.'"

"How do you make strange bread?"/"Use weirdough."

"How do you make Swiss cheese?"/"With a holey cow."

"How do you milk chocolate?"

"How do you milk sheep?"/"With iPhone accessories."

"How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?"/"Allah carte."

"How do you photoshop yourself and still look ugly? That's like cheating on a test & still failing"

"How do you pronounce the name of this place?" (Mexia)

"How do you protect a valuable instrument?"/"Hide it in an accordion case."

"How do you repair a damaged Toll Booth?"/"Toll Gate Booth Paste."

"How do you reset your body back to factory settings? Is it kale? It’s kale, isn’t it?"

"How do you prevent a summer cold?"/"Catch it in the winter."

"How do you save a drowning lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you say goodbye in Arabic?"/"BOOM!"

"How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?"/"Buenos Nachos!"

"How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef?"/"Gracias."

"How do you scare a snowman?"/"You get a hairdryer!"

"How do you separate church and state when the state is your church?"

"How do you shock chicken broth?"/"With a soup-rise."

"How do you spell candy with two letters?"/"C and Y."

"How do you spot a glacier?"/"You have to have good ice sight."

"How do you start a pudding race?"/"Sago."

"How do you start a rice pudding race?"/"Sago."

"How do you steam clams?"/"Make fun of their religion."

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the back yard?"/"Put it in the front yard."

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the street?"/"Put him in a barking lot!"

"How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?"/"Put him in the front."

"How do you stop an elephant from charging?" (joke)

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you support a werewolf's YouTube channel?"/"Lycan subscribe."

"How do you survive an Irish vampire?"/"Repel him with Gaelic."

"How do you tell a male door from a female door?"/"One's got a ding-dong, the other has knockers."

"How do you tell a proper joke about eating?"/"In jest."

"How do you tell if a person is a level-headed country boy?"/"Snuff runs out of both sides."

"How do you tell vaccinated from unvaccinated if they aren't wearing masks?" (joke)

"How do you think the unthinkable?"/"With an itheberg."

"How do you tickle a rich girl?"/"Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci!'"

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you turn a bee into an atheist?"/"You smack the beejesus out of them."

"How do you turn a T into a P?"/"Drink it."

"How do you turn milk into cheese?"/"Put it in solid dairy confinement."

"How do you turn soup into gold?"/"Add 24 carrots."

"How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?"/"Turn off the light."

"How do you unlock a haunted house?"/"With a skeleton key."

"How do you make a cheese puff?"/"Chase it around the block."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How does a capitalist text?"/"BY YELLING."

"How does a caveman like his drink?"/"On the rocks."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screen shots."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screenshots."

"How does a computer learn new things?"/"Bit by bit."

"How does a cowboy start his day?"/"He reboots."

"How does a cucumber become a pickle?"/"It goes through a jarring experience."

"How does a flat earther travel the world?"/"On a plane."

"How does a French woman hold her liquor?"/"By the ears."

"How does a hotel room taste?"/"Suite."

"How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?"/"By starting out with two million dollars.

"How does a kaiju find a home?"/"Through Godzillow."

"How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?"/"Attorney-kit."

"How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?"/"They/Them."

"How does a non-binary samurai kill people?"/"They/Them."

"How does a physicist exercise?"/"By pumping ion."

"How does a rich girl curse?"/"Oh teri Fendi."

"How does a rich girl fart?"/"Praadaa praadaaa."

"How does a rich girl sneeze?"/"Jimmy Choo!"

"How does a southerner ask for money from a bank?"/"With drawl."

"How does a turkey drink her wine?"/"In a gobble-let."

"How does a vegetable win a fight?"/"With carrot-y."

"How does an apothecary pleasure his wife?"/"Elixir."

"How does an attorney sleep?" (lawyer joke)

"How does an eggplant get to work?"/"In an Uber-gine"

"How does an orthodontist hire a lawyer?"/"He puts him on a retainer."

"How does Bigfoot know what time it is?"/"He looks at his Sasquatch."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"Black."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"Lukewarm."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"On the dark side."

"How does Easter end?"/"With the letter R."

"How does gold get your attention?"/"It shouts Au!"

"How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?"/"One that's deep pan, crisp and even."

"How does Moses make his tea?"/"Hebrews it."

"How does NASA organize their company parties?"/"They planet."

"How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?"/"With missile tows."

"How does one 'milk chocolate'?"

"How does one milk chocolate almonds?"

"How does Santa Claus prevent himself from getting coronavirus?"/"He uses santatizer."

"How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?"/"He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!"

"How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?"/"He keeps a log book."

"How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?"

"How does the man in the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the man on the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the Pope get around New York City?"/"Mass transit."

"How does this restaurant prepare the chicken?" (joke)

"How far is it from midtown and how late is it open?" (existential New York question)

"How hard could it be?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"How is a baseball team like a pancake?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"How is a baseball team like a pancake?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"How is a drum solo like a sneeze?" (ioke)

"How is credit like cocaine?"/"Everyone needs just one more line."

"How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn't know they're playing?"

"How is soy sauce black and soy milk white when soybeans are green?"

"How it feels to click the tongs twice before you start grilling" ("I have the power!")

"How late does the band play?" (joke)

"How long before Manwich is deemed offensive and called gender neutral meat sauce?"

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How long does it take to eat a tire?"/"A good year."

"How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?"/"Nobody knows."

"How long have you been chopping wood for?"/"I'm not sure, I'll check the logs."

"How long have you been working at that office?"/"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

"How long have you been working for the company?"/"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

"How long will the next bus be?"/"Same length as this one."

"How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Aggies/Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?"

"How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"To get to the other side!"

"How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?"/"Tenants."

"How many apples grow on a tree?/"All of them."

"How many Austinites does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many bathroom-window curtains must die needlessly to clothe golfers?"

"How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk?"/"Toucans."

"How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many bones are in a human body?"/"Usually, all of them."

"How many bones are in the human foot?"/"All of them."

"How many bones are in your hand?"/"A handful."

"How many bones are in your head?"/"All of them."

"How many cabal members does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/"Only one, but it takes nine visits"

"How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?"/"None."

"How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"

"How many college freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/None. The Illuminati did it!"

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Do your own research."

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"The real question is..."

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"/"We may never know the truth."

"How many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?" (joke)

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None. They just beat the room for being black."

"How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?"/"None. He fell."

"How many cranberries grow on a bush?"/"All of them."

"How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?"/"Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!"

"How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" (riddle)

"How many donkeys are there in NYC?"/"Five burros."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?"/"None, they prefer natural light."

"How many frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None, they prefer Natural Light."

"How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"FORE!"

"How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"FOUR, but they wrote three."

"How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?" (riddle)

"How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?"/"Avocado's number."

"How many guitars does a guitar player need?"/"Just one more."

"How many guitars does a guitarist need?"/"Just one more"

"How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?" (riddle)

"How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Why does it have to be a group activity?"

"How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?"/"Never enough."

"How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?" (lawyer joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many lives were saved by taping arrows to the floors of supermarket aisles?"

"How many Lowe's would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's"

"How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?" (Joke)

"How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many months have 28 days?" (riddle)

"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"They’re playing the switch."

"How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1? or 2?"

"How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many people died on the Titanic?"/"A boatload."

"How many people work here?" / "Oh, about half." (joke)

"How many people work in the Pentagon?" (joke)

"How many personal-injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many politicians would it take to save the world?" (joke)

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?"/"None."

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?"

"How many sides does a ball have?"/"Two -- the inside and the outside."

"How many ska bands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (Joke)

"How many ska kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many ska musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many stars are in the sky?"/"All of them."

"How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"A fish."

"How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/"None. They can't reach that high."

"How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?"/"None."

"How much did Santa's sleigh cost?"/"Nothing, it was on the house."

"How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?"

"How much do s'mores weigh?"/"At least a couple grahams."

"How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About 15 minutes."

"How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About half an hour."

"How much does a bikini wax cost?"/"A Brazilian dollars."

"How much does a bottled soft drink cost?"/"About a dollar a pop, soda speak."

"How much does a dumpling weigh?"/"Wonton."

"How much does a hipster weigh?"/"An Instagram."

"How much does a pirate pay for corn?"/"A buccaneer."

"How much does a rainbow weigh?"/"Not much, they're actually pretty light."

"How much does it cost to get married?" (joke)

"How much flu would a flu shot stop if a flu shot could stop flu?"

"How much of the cake did the sword want?"/"Just a slice."

"How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About 30 minutes."

"How much space do fungi need to grow?"/"As mushroom as possible."

"How much to buy a singing ensemble?" (choir joke)

"How much weed am I supposed to put in this chicken pot pie?"

"How often do planes crash?"/"Just once."

"How often does a plane crash?"/"Only once."

"How often should you wear gloves in the winter?"/"Intermittenly."

"How old were you when you learned that BAR stood for Beer & Alcohol Room?"

"How rich are garbage men?"/"Filthy."

How Staten Island got its name ("Is that an island?" joke)

"How sweet it is!" & Brooklyn street signs

"How the cow ate the cabbage"

"How the days feel: Mooooooonday Tueeeeeesday Weednesday Thuursday Friday Strdy S"

"How the FUCK did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How the heck do you milk chocolate?"

"How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How to approach me with your bullshit: don't"

"How to cook crack and clean a crab. Step one: Use commas"

"How to do math: 1. Write down the problem 2. Cry"

"How to dress for cold weather: 1. take your pants off 2. get back into bed"

"How to eat Peeps: Throw them in the trash"

"How to enjoy pumpkin beer. Step 1: Throw it in the trash"

"How to fall down stairs" (a step-by-step guide)

"How to make a small fortune on Wall Street" (start with a large one)

"How to make holy water -- boil the hell out of it"

"How to say I hate you in a nice way? 'You are the Monday of my life'"

"How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom"

"How to start an argument online: 1. Express an opinion. 2. Wait"

"How to start an argument online: 1. Say something. 2. That's about it"

"How to stop eating during quarantine: Put on your swimsuit instead of your pajamas"

"How to tell if an orange likes to party?"/"Just Invitamin-C."

"How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some headphones in your pocket 2) wait one minute"

"How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don't. We are all depressed, broke and fat... not just you"

"How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don't. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How to vent on social media. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How to vent on Twitter. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How was the hamburger murdered?"/"First it was 'rolled,' then smothered in onions."

Howard Beacher (inhabitant of Howard Beach. Queens)

Howdy Arabia (Texas nickname)

Howdy ("Howdy, Pardner!")

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results"

HOWL! (Festival of East Village Artists)

Howlapeño (howl + jalapeño)

Howlers (Jalapeño Howlers or Texas Howlers)

"How's my driving?" (bumper sticker)

"How's my running? Call 1-800-EAT-DUST"

"How's the Italian food in this restaurant?"/"Good. Try the veal. It's the best in the city."

"How's the New Year going?"/"Shofar, so good."

"How's the weather up there?" (said to a tall person)

"How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it 'already' 2:00pm or 'only' 2:00pm?"

"How's your rabbit food?"/"How's your vulture food?"

Huaraches (sandal- or shoe-shaped Mexican appetizers)

Hub of the Plains (Lubbock nickname)

"Hubby and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack"

Huckdummy (Hucky Dummy)

"Huckleberries imply the existence of sawyerberries"

Hudson Heights

Hudson Mustache

Hudson River Ale (water)

Hudson River: American Rhine (Hudson River nickname)

Hudson River Crawl

Hudson River Derby or New York Derby (New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Hudson Square

Huevos Rancheros (Ranch Eggs)

Huffing Paint Post (Huffington Post nickname)

Huffington Joke (Huffington Post nickname)

Huffington Poop or Huff Poop or HuffPoop (HuffPost nickname)

"Hug your kids at home, but belt them in the car"

"Huge financial burden on board" (bumper sticker)

Huggins' Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

Hugmen (New York Yankees nickname)

Hug's Men (New York Yankees nickname)

Hug's Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

Human Chop Shop (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Human Google (New York Public Library help desk nickname)

Human High Tide

"Human milk is for baby humans. Cow milk is for baby cows. Almond milk is for baby almonds"

"Human rights: Know them, demand them, defend them"

"Human statue street performers can be made to move by taking money out of the hat"

"Humanity runs on coffee"

"Humans are the only animal to drink the milk of another species"

"Humans doing the hard jobs on minimum wage while the robots write poetry and paint..."

"Humans eat more bananas than monkeys" (joke)

"Humid weather is like walking through soup"

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less"

Hummingbird Cake

Hummus

"Hummus is just chickpea guacamole"

"Hummus is just Greek guacamole"

"Hummus is just Jewish guacamole"

"Hummus is Mediterranean guacamole"

"Hummus is really just pita butter"

"Hummus is the guacamole of the Middle East"

Hump Day

"Hump Day: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

"Hump Day Wednesday: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

Hungarian Boulevard or Hungarian Broadway (East 79th Street in Yorkville)

"Hungry isn’t even a feeling for me anymore…it’s basically a personality trait"

"Hunting is easier for vegans because it's easier to sneak up on plants"

Huntsvegas (Huntsville nickname)

Hurricane Cocktail (Hurricane Punch)

"Hurry up and pass out the test before I forget everything!"

"Husband and I went grocery shopping with masks, got home, took off masks...wrong husband!"

Hush Puppies

"Hush puppies are just American falafel"

"Hush puppies are just redneck falafel"

"Hush puppies are just Southern falafel"

"Hustle for that muscle"

Hustle Town or Hustletown (Houston nickname)

"Hustle until you no longer have to introduce yourself"

"Hustle until you no longer need to introduce yourself"

"Hustle until your haters ask if you're hiring"

Huttoan (inhabitant of Hutto)

"Hydrate to dominate"

"Hydro Flasks with straw lids are just adult sippy cups"

"Hydroflasks are just sippy cups for adults"

Hydrogin (hydrogen + gin)

Hylan's Holes (abandoned, incomplete Staten Island Tunnel)

Hymietown; Jew York (Jew + New York)

"Hyperbole is the worst figure of speech in the multiverse"

"Hyperbole is the worst thing ever!"

"Hyperbole is the worst thing in the universe"

"Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything" (bar joke)

Hyperpalatable

Hypodermic Needle (Freedom Tower, latest design)

Hypotwit (hypocrite + twit/Twitter)

"i 8 sum Pi...and it was delicious" (math joke)

"I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. That's why its called ACCOUNTABILITY...it goes into my ACCOUNT"

"I accidentally blew up my chemistry lab in high school. Oxidants happen!"

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course. I'm really struggling to get out of it"

"I accidentally bought too many art supplies. I'm having an excess stencil crisis"

"I accidentally left a blood orange next to a crip orange and now there's fucking juice everywhere"

"I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow"

"I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, E-Daisies"

"I accidentally swallowed some food coloring and dyed a little inside"

"I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces" (joke)

"I actually have a lot of jokes about potatoes, I just don’t know where to starch"

"I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row"

"I added some Friday to your coffee. You're welcome"

"I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker"

"I almost had an 'I need a guy' moment, but then I was able to get the vodka open"

"I almost had an 'I need a guy' moment, but then I was able to get the wine open"

"I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle"

"I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"

"I always give 100%. Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker"

"I always have a quotation for everything -- it saves original thinking"

"I always pick the checkout aisle with the most attractive cashier. The self-checkout"

"I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that crap up"

"I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up"

"I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long"

"I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice"

"I always see adults pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, and I'm like okay..."

"I always start my diet on the same day -- tomorrow"

"I always tell my kids to stay in school. But they keep coming back"

"I always thought growing lettuce would be hard. Turns out it's not rocket science"

"I always thought the record would stand until it was broken"

"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back"

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

"I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants"

"I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to"

"I am 100% in support of mandatory vacations for everyone and booster vacations every 4 months"

"I am 1776% sure no one is taking my guns"

"I am 1776% sure no one will be taking my guns"

"I am 1776% sure that no one is taking my gun"

"I am a bean; I am very lean" (food riddle)

"I am a firm believer in the people; if given the truth, they can meet any national crisis"

"I am a free American. I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I am a free citizen and I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it"

"I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it"

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back"

"I am a survivalist. I drank my morning coffee out of a soup bowl because there were no clean cups"

"I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?"/"McDonald’s ice cream machine."

"I am currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I am exempt from continual government bullshit"

"I am exempt from government bullshit"

"I am first on earth, second in heaven. I appear twice in a week, once in a year. What am I?"

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally"

"I am in shape. Round is a shape."

"I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 PM on Fridays"

"I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier"

"I am known at the gym as the 'before picture'"

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept"

"I am not a conspiracy theorist. I am an 'it’s fucking obvious' theorist"

"I am not a 'glass half full' type of person. I am a 'where did I put my glass' kind of person"

"I am not a glutton, but I am an explorer of food"

"I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy"

"I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon"

"I am not bound to win, but I'm bound to be true"

"I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?"

"I am not emotionally prepared for tomorrow to be Monday"

"I am not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I am now 'take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it' years old"

"I am officially 'they don’t make music like this no more' years old"

"I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I am pushing sixty -- that is enough exercise for me"

"I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet"

"I am self employed. If you see me talking to myself, do not disturb. I'm having a staff meeting"

"I am so glad that I don't have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live"

"I am soo glad I don't have to actually hunt. I have no fucking clue where gluten free tacos live"

"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them"

"I am tired of being a part of a major historical event" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

"I am transfinancial. I'm a rich man trapped in a poor man's body"

"I am writing a book. It is called 'I have a job'. It is a working title"

"I am yet again asking the Olympics to simply let a regular non athlete person do the event first"

"I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, then don’t go. It’s a running joke"

"I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii"

"I asked a museum worker if I could take pictures. He said they stay on the walls"

"I asked a Walmart worker where I could find the nuts. He said they're in the toilet paper aisle"

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it's rare"

"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper? She said they're old school" (joke)

"I asked my gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said, 'How flexible are you?'"

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain"

"I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, 'How about walking through the room naked?'"

"I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She told me to start talking about my fantasy football team"

"I asked my wife to act like a 'naughty school girl.' She forged a note from her mother..."

"I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!"

"I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call" (joke)

"I asked the teenager working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks"

"I asked the waitress for a 'quickie' and she slapped me" (quiche joke)

"I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sitting next to a screaming baby" (joke)

"I assume people who don't drink coffee just die around 2 p.m."

"I assume that people who don't drink coffee all die around 2 p.m."

"I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's for lunch. His mom was furious"

"I ate at a family restaurant. Every table had an argument going"

"I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious!"

"I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever"

"I ate so much okra I slid out of bed!" or "I couldn't keep my socks up!"

"I ate the exam paper. Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test"

"I hate to waste sick days actually being sick"

"I ate too much cookie dough and got sick. It was an overdoughse"

"I ate too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel"

"I (Babe Ruth) had a better year than he (President Hoover) did"

"I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four"

"I bake because punching people is frowned upon"

"I be drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is"

"I be flying home after work like I’m late for the house"

"I beat a black belt at karate. My next opponent is a green sock"

"I beat anorexia"

"I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I've been charged with a graph-aided assault"

"I became math teacher to teach subtraction. I just want to make a difference"

"I before E except after C has been disproved by science"

"'I' before 'E,' except in Budweiser"

"'I' before 'E,' except when you run a feisty heist on your weird beige overweight foreign neighbor"

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided..." (joke)

"I believe in censorship -- I made a fortune out of it" (Mae West)

"I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both" (property sign)

"I believe in the two-party system -- one on Friday night and one on Saturday night"

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies"

"I bet acting like assholes on the Internet isn't where we all thought we'd be"

"I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos"

"I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'"

"I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish"

"I bet Jesus would have used His turn signals"

"I bet people who run marathons for fun haven't heard about sex and alcohol"

"I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York"

"I bet when cannibals go on a diet they order the chef salad"

"I better get a good grade on my son's science fair project"

"I bought a 12 year old scotch. His parents weren't pleased"

"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies.' All the answers were wrong"

"I bought a half-chicken at Whole Foods for 20% off and now all math is meaningless to me"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver"

"I bought a new weed-whacker today. It's cutting hedge technology"

"I bought a pancake, but I was rather disappointed. It tasted nothing like a pan"

"I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday..."

"I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere"

"I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it"

"I bought an exercise machine, but when I assembled it, a message kept flashing up..." (joke)

"I bought an expensive ruler, just for good measure"

"I bought bath salts, but my bath still tastes bland"

"I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas" (joke)

"I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn't want toupee full price"

"I bought one of those 'smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me.." (joke)

"I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"

"I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years"

"I bought some pepper spray yesterday. What a terrible product! It made my bolognese taste awful"

"I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it"

"I bought some serving spoons, but they haven't made me any better at tennis"

"I brake for no reason" (bumper sticker)

"I broke up with my gym. We were not working out"

"I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant"

"I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should've put it on aloha setting"

"I buy fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon"

"I buy store brand Spanish rice, not name brands. As they say, 'Arroz by any other name...'"

"I call bravo sierra" ("I call bullshit")

"I call myself terms and conditions because y'all keep ignoring me"

"I called my stockbroker today and asked him, 'What are you buying?' He said, 'Canned goods'"

"I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips" (joke)

"I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn..." (joke)

"I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders..." (joke)

"I called the Tinnitus hotline earlier, but it just kept ringing"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb"

"I came here to drink and fuck...and I'm about done drinking"

"I came here to drink and fuck and I'm almost done drinking"

"I came here to drink and fuck and I'm also done drinking"

"I came, I ate, I conquered"

"I came last in a karate competition yesterday. I was kicking myself!"

"I can always remove my tin foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?"

"I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying" (joke)

"I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them" (joke)

"I can be nice. Just add coffee"

"I can do anything, as long as there’s a looming deadline and serious consequences"

"I can eat a lot of sweet potatoes because I am polyyamorous"

"I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I'm already fat"

"I can eat sugar with either hand. I'm ambidextrose"

"I can either work well with others or pass a drug test. But not both"

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you"

"I can get it for you wholesale"

"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell"

"I can give you the formula for failure: Try to please everybody"

"I can hear Monday morning already whispering 'Go fuck yourself' into my ear"

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. I've got back issues"

"I can play by ear, but it's much easier if I use my hands" (music joke)

"I can please only one person per day; today is not your day; tomorrow's not looking good either"

"I can remove my tin-foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?"

"I can ski clearly now the rain has gone"

"I can ski clearly now the rain is gone"

"I can spell 'banana,' but I never know when to stop"

"I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone"

"I can tell if people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can time travel into the future at the rate of one second per second"

"I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol"

"I can write in cursive so I'm basically a Founding Father at this point"

"I cannot tell time because clocks have no ears"

"I can't afford a nice television, so I smoke weed and read the dictionary. High definition"

"I can’t afford vacation, so I am just going to drink until I don’t know where I am"

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick!"

"I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just doing nothing"

"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit"

"I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person"

"I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up"

"I can't believe I've been arrested for shoplifting. The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!"

"I can't believe pretzels are knot bread"

"I can't believe the entire Siberian Orchestra is trans"

"I can't breathe" (anti-police brutality slogan)

"I can’t coffee this early without function"

"I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up or are living the fullest"

"I can't die! I'm booked!"

"I can’t drink responsibly because responsibilities are why I drink"

"I can't espresso how much you bean to me"

"I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory"

"I can't even press charges on the guy who stole my explosives"

"I can't figure out how to operate my automatic transmission car. It didn't come with a manual"

"'I can’t fix my life. But I can fix the world,' said the socialist"

"I can’t see an end, I have no control... Time for a new keyboard"

"I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty"

"I can't stand broken tripods"

"I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg"

"I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results"

"I can't tell if this rice cake is stale or not. Because it's a rice cake"

"I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast"

"I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them"

"I can't wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. *326 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait till camping season starts!!! *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait to be sitting on the riverbank night fishing *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"I can't wait to get home and pour myself some dinner"

"I can't wait to go home and pour myself some dinner"

"I can't wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly"

"I can't wait until I'm financially able to afford who I really am"

"I can't wait until I'm financially stable to afford who I really am"

"I can't walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink..."

"I can't work in an environment where I'm expected to do my job"

"I can't work today. There's a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation" (joke)

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions"

"I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday's 'May the 4th' jokes"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way" (joke)

"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' When I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'"

"I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang'" (joke)

"I childproofed the house, but they still get in"

"I choked on a carrot. All I could think was 'I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this'"

"I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn't have done this'"

"I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair"

"I come at the beginning of end and at the end of time. What am I?" (riddle)

"I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters"

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage"

"I come from a long line of conga dancers"

"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 cars behind a tractor"

"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 5 cars behind a tractor"

"I come from mixed race parents. My dad was a hurdler and my mom a sprinter"

"I consider myself a moral person. That's why I only eat turkeys that have exhausted appeals"

"I consider page 2 of Google results the dark web"

"I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get"

"I continued the cycle of my own oppression today" ("I voted" sticker parody)

"1% control the world. 4% are their puppets. 90% are asleep. 5% know and try to wake up the 90%"

"I correct auto correct more than auto correct corrects me"

"I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me"

"I could actually watch golf on TV if land mines were involved"

"I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon"

"I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee"

"I could burn water" (i.e., I can't cook)

"I could see every ketchup bottle in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20"

"I could sing a verse for you. But I'll refrain"

"I could use a foot massage, 3 donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, 4 donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, four donuts, and an orgasm"

"I could use a foot massage, three donuts, and an orgasm"

"'I could watch him play video games for hours,' said no one’s wife, ever"

"I couldn't believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann's"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over"

"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked"

"I couldn't find a parking spot at work today, so I went home. Looks like they had enough people"

"I couldn't find the mayonnaise until I looked between the Aprilonnaise and Juneonnaise"

"I couldn't have done it without the players" (Yankees manager Casey Stengel)

"I couldn't pay my doctor, so he gave me another six months to live"

"I couldn't wait to go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from Earth"

"I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me" (joke)

"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet" (aphorism)

"I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog"

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward"

"I cut myself shredding cheese. Then I remembered... With grate power comes grate responsibility"

"I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas"

"I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought I was having a seizure"

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part..."

"I decided to greet my coworkers with a 'Congrats on not dying in your sleep'"

"I decided to cross the road, not because I'm brave, but because I'm chicken"

"I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today. I just showed up to work 20 minutes early"

"I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page"

"I did a lot of dumb stuff, but I never got a fish filet from McDonald’s"

"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words"

"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee"

"I did not see that cumin"

"I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C"

"I didn't ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants"

"I didn't believe there was a sauce made from oil and egg yolks, but then I saw it with mayonnaise!"

"I didn't choose the mug life. The mug life chose me"

"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables"

"I didn't come this far to only come this far"

"I didn’t get the job hypnotising chickens. I failed the hen trance exam"

"I didn't get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I didn’t go to school just to eat my lunch"

"I didn’t know how much cookies shaped like integers cost, but I crunched the numbers"

"I didn’t like working at the steel plant. It smelt"

"I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo"

"I didn't realize that my parents teaching me to tell the truth when I was a child..."

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn't think my son stole from his trig teacher until I saw his room. All the sines were there"

"I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture, but now I stand corrected"

"I didn't think there was a class system in the U.S." (joke)

"I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me"

"I disagree with you, but I'm pretty sure you're not Hitler"

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

"I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally"

"I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally"

"I do all my own stunts, just not intentionally"

"I do exercise. I do one sit up everyday…when I get out of bed in the morning"

"I do many things well. None of which generate income"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'"

"I do my best thinking when I'm drinking"

"I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature" (Jefferson?)

"I do not have ducks. Or a row. I have squirrels and they're everywhere"

"I do resistance training every day. It's called refusing to go to the gym"

"I do ten sit-ups every morning -- hitting the snooze button"

"I do what I can to make the world a happier place. For example, I had my coffee today"

"I do whatever I can to fight poverty. Only the other day I punched a tramp"

"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I don't advertise my lip reading business. It's all word of mouth"

"I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket"

"I don't always drink water, but when I do, it's coffee"

"I don't always drink water, but when I do it's filtered water. Through my coffeemaker. It's coffee"

"I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit"

"I don't always have time to study...but when I do, I don't"

"I don't always have to retype my password, but when I do, I stab each letter into the keyboard"

"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs"

"I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm probably at work"

"I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink...

"I don’t believe in reincarnation. Who wants to come back as a tin of milk?"

"I don't believe the liberal media"

"I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero"

"I don't buy coffee to work, I work to buy coffee. It's the circle of life"

"I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues"

"I don't call them illegal firearms. They're undocumented protection devices and I keep them..."

"I don’t care about mandates because I don’t date men"

"I don’t care for cheese. I'm a curdmudgeon"

"I don't care if it's Friday the 13th. I'm just happy it's finally Friday!"

"I don't care what day it is. It's early... I'm grumpy... I want coffee"

"I don't care which party is in control. I don't want to be controlled"

"I don't care which party is in control. I just don't want to be controlled"

"I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives"

"I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating"

"I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do enjoy the festive drinks. You could say I'm eggnogstic"

"I don't date below 14th Street" (dating adage)

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either"

"I don't diet. I just eat according to my goals"

"I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons"

"I don't drink alcohol on lunch breaks because the last thing I need is more motivation..."

"I don’t drink beer. I drink a wheat smoothie"

"I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding"

"I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee"

"I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons"

"I don't drink to get drunk. I drink to get my inner demons drunk"

"I don't drink water because fish fuck in it"

"I don't eat snails -- I prefer fast food"

"I don't eat spinach. If I ate it I might like it, and I hate the damned stuff"

"I don’t even know how to use my own credit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?"

"I don’t even know how to use my own debit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?"

"I don't even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors"

"I don't even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't feel very worky today"

"I don't get drunk -- I get awesome"

"I don't get how people afford life without a job. I can't even afford it with a job"

"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day"

"I don't get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here"

"I don't get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there"

"I don't hate ALL of the periodic table. Just elements of it"

"I don't hate you, but you are the Monday of my life"

"I don't have a bank account because I can't remember my mother's maiden name"

"I don’t have a bucket list but my bikeit list is a mile long"

"I don't have a dog in that fight"

"I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink"

"I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine"

"I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it"

"I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar"

"I don't have a welcome mat at my house because I'm not a liar"

"I don't have ducks. I don't have a row. I have squirrels and they're all drunk"

"I don't have ducks or a row. I have chickens and they are everywhere"

"I don't have ducks. Or a row. I have squirrels. And they're at a rave"

"I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today"

"I don't have to respect your beliefs, I have to respect your right to hold those beliefs..."

"I don't have to respect your beliefs. I'll respect your right to hold those beliefs..."

"I don't jog. If I die, I want to be sick" (Abe Lemons, UT basketball coach)

"I don't know how to play chess, but to me, life is like a game of chess"

"I don’t know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time"

"I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail"

"I don't know if my pants are feeling loose because I'm losing weight, or the elastic..."

"I don’t know if Twitter has ever caused the lame to walk, but it has caused the dumb to speak"

"I don’t know the secret of happiness, but I’ve never been sad at an Italian restaurant"

"I don't know the secret of happiness, but I've never been sad at a Tex-Mex restaurant"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never felt sad drinking coffee"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never been sad at a Mexican restaurant"

"I don't know the secret to happiness, but I've never been sad while eating tacos"

"I don't know what I'd do without coffee. I'm guessing 25 to life"

"I don't know what it is, but it's on sale!"

"I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter"

"I don't know why it's called a 'break room.' It's always full of people I need a break from"

"I don't know you from Adam's off ox"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do" (joke)

"I don’t like math puns. But I will make one if I half two"

"I don't like Monday morning people. Or Mondays. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don't like Monday mornings, or people who like Monday mornings. Or Mondays. Or mornings"

"I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don't like soccer. If I wanted to watch a bunch of guys struggle to score for 90 minutes..."

"I don’t like stairlifts. They drive me up the wall"

"I don't like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others"

"I don't like the Yankees, but I'm a huge fan of being overpaid to underperform"

"I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus"

"I don’t like to toot my own horn, which is why I steal other people’s trumpets"

"I don’t like whiny and cheesy people, but I do like wine and cheese people"

"I don't measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff"

"I don't mind going to work, but the 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit"

"I don't mind if you're pansexual, just stay away from my cookware"

"I don’t necessarily know the secret to happiness, but I do know Jesus and Mexican food..."

"I don't need a personal trainer. I need someone to follow me around and slap food out of my hand"

"I don't need a personal trainer so much as I need someone to follow me around..."

"I don’t need a stable relationship. All I need is a stable internet connection"

"I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions"

"I don't need an inspirational quote. I need coffee"

"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off"

"I don't NEED drugs or alcohol to have fun. I also don't NEED running shoes to run..."

"I don't need Google. My boyfriend knows everything!"

"I don't need sex because the government fucks me every day"

"I don't need sex because the government screws me every day"

"I don't need sex. The government fucks me every day"

"I don't need sex. The government screws me every day"

"I don't need sleep. I need coffee"

"I don't need to 'get a life.' I'm a gamer. I have LOTS of lives"

"I don't need to go to Area 51. I've been to Walmart"

"I don't need you when I'm right"

"I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?"

"I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best"

"I don't run away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone & ignore them like other adults"

"I don't run from my problems. I sit on my sofa, play on my phone and ignore them. Like an adult"

"I don't say good morning until after my first coffee because before that, it isn't"

"'I don't see color,' she said, as she ran the traffic light"

"I don't see color."/"So what do you do at a traffic light?"

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk"

"I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle"

"'I don’t stop drinking because the owner of the bar has a family to feed,' says a drunk"

"I don't sweat, I sparkle" ("I don't sweat, I glisten/glow")

"I don't take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated"

"I don't take soup. You can't build a meal on a lake"

"I don't teach subjects. I teach students"

"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the facts" (Will Rogers)

"I don't think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn't speak to me"

"I don't think inside the box. I don't think outside the box either. I don't know where the box is"

"I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which reflects badly on me"

"I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real plague there..."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something"

"I don't trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea"

"I don't trust trees. They're shady"

"I don't understand how a cemetery can raise funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living"

"I don't understand people that have goals like getting likes on their selfie"

"I don't understand why 14/3 is Pi Day. Isn't 22/7 a better choice?"

"I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan..." (joke)

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day"

"I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here"

"I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm there"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't use my blinkers because it's nobody's business where I'm going"

"I don't use my turn signals because it's nobody's business where I'm going"

"I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station"

"I don't usually brag about my drum jokes, but um...tss"

"I don't usually talk about my expensive trips, but I just got back from the gas station"

"I don't usually talk about my expensive trips, but I just got back from the grocery store"

"I don't wanna party like it's 1999. I wanna go grocery shopping like it's 1999"

"I don't wanna party like it's 1999. I wanna grocery shop like it's 1999"

"I don't want any more help from the government. I can't afford it"

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work"

"I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off..." (joke)

"I don't want to eat anything that has a mother"

"I don't want to. I don't have to. You can't make me. I'm retired"

"I don't want to party like it's 1999. I want to grocery shop like it's 1999"

"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it"

"I don't watch CNN for the same reason I don't drink out of the toilet"

"I don't watch CNN for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet"

"I don't watch Fox News for the same reason I don't drink out of the toilet"

"I don't watch Fox News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet"

"I don't wish people a 'Good morning.' I just say 'Morning' and what kind they actually have, is totally up to them..."

"I don't wish people 'Good morning.' I just say 'Morning,' then it's up to them..."

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant"

"I don’t work on Fridays, I make appearances"

"I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with 'Y'"

"I donut know what I'd do without you"

"I donut understand food puns"

"I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot"

"I drank so much coffee today that I accidentally believed in myself"

"I drank so much tequila last night I woke up with a Mexican accent"

"I drank so much tequila last night that I woke up speaking Spanish"

"I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road..."

"I dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He's dreaming, too"

"I drink a lot of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink a ton of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink and I know things"

"I drink as I dress: Chablis"

"I drink coffee because I need it, and wine because I deserve it"

"I drink coffee for your protection"

"I drink coffee stronger than your feelings"

"I drink coffee to get the energy to drink more coffee"

"I drink lots of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at"

"I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. That's what they mean by reducing it"

"I drink, therefore I am" (Bibo ergo sum)

"I drink to make other people interesting"

"I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I can't move for months"

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it"

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up"

"I drive a hybrid so I have more money for ammo" (bumper sticker)

"I drive home so quick after work like I'm late for the house"

"I drive like lightning. I hit trees"

"I drive more safely when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person there"

"I drive safer when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there"

"I drive safer with really good food in the passenger seat than with a close friend"

"I drive so badly that when I'm driving, the GPS doesn't speak, it prays"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"

"I dropped a piece of pasta off of a cliff, It was a farfalle"

"I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break. Concrete floors are really hard"

"I dropped everything to become a juggler"

"I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef"

"I dropped my gun in the avocado dip. Now it is glockamole"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx"

"I dropped Parmesan on my laptop and called it Mac 'n' Cheese"

"I duck my head down while pulling into a parking garage to make sure my car fits"

"I dusted once. It came back. I'm not falling for that again"

"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere"

"I eat hummus when I don't know the words"

"I eat my peas with honey; I've done it all my life..." (poem)

"I eat salad every day. Bean salad…Coffee bean salad…Coffee. I drink coffee every day"

"I eat tacos over a tortilla so when stuff falls out, BOOM!, another taco"

"I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them"

"I eat the same Indian bread as everyone else. I'm a naan conformist"

"I either drink coffee or I say bad words. Just kidding, I do both"

"I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers"

"I either drink coffee or say bad words to everyone"

"I endorse podiums. That's a product I can stand behind!"

"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my sarcasm"

"I enjoy long, romantic walks...to the fridge"

"I enjoy long romantic walks in Costco"

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it"

"I entered a competition and won a year's supply of Marmite -- one jar"

"I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke"

"I entered a kleptomania competition. I got gold, silver and bronze"

"I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house"

"I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like fine wine. I’m aging like milk..."

I Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

"I failed Binary 101. I said it was 6"

"I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins..." (joke)

"I failed my drug test again. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my pharmacy degree"

"I failed my drug test today. There goes my degree in pharmaceutics!"

"I failed my italic writing exam with straight A's"

"I failed my math exam. I couldn’t write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals. IM LIVID"

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"

"I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys lotto tickets"

"I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels"

"I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. Everyone asks if Pepsi is okay"

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West as Eve, talking about the Big Apple dance)

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West on a 1937 radio show)

"I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around"

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together"

"I feel like the IRS be like 'HEHE GIRL MATH' when takin all our money"

"I feel like work got custody of me and home just got weekend visits"

"I feel relatively neutral about New York" (slogan parody)

"I feel safer on a racetrack...than on Houston expressways" (A. J. Foyt)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink; they wake up, and that's as good as they'll feel all day"

"I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop"

"I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they're the last to know"

"I fell in love. His name is New York"

"I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung"

"I felt bad, but then I installed a new version of office. It improved my outlook"

"I fetched a pail of water and ate a KFC family meal. Two things I can cross off my bucket list"

"I figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot"

"I fill sorry four all the kids that half to learn from home with parents who can't reed..."

"I filled up my tank with petrol this morning. Now, all my goldfish are dead"

"I finally found a diet plan that really works. It's called 'The Price of Food'"

"I finally got an A on my essay! (Only 1999 more words to go)"

"I finally got it all together, and then I forgot where I put it"

"I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it"

"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil"

"I finally watched the documentary on clocks. It was about time"

"I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature"

"I find jello a little off-pudding"

"I finished Netflix today"

"I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it"

"I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge"

"I, for one, like Roman numerals"

"I forgot how expensive outside is" (after quarantine)

"I forgot how expensive outside was" (after quarantine)

"I forgot the French word for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book"

"I forgot to go to the gym today. That's ten years in a row now"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I found a builder who advertises 'No job too small' so I’ve got him tiling the doll's house"

"I found a hat with $17.50 in it. A guy was too busy juggling to pick it up"

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found it at the Colony!" (Colony Music Center)

"I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again"

"I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked"

"I found this on the local café menu -- idemx rilgl. It was mixed grill"

"I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves"

"I gave my freedom away to get my freedom back and I'm still not free and it's all your fault"

"I gave up drinking on the 1st of January. It’s better for your health, and it’s only one day"

"I gave up my freedom to get my freedom back and I'm still not free and it's all your fault"

"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus" (joke)

"I General Lee don’t care for Civil War jokes"

"I General Lee don't find civil war jokes funny"

"I General Lee don't find civil war puns to be funny"

"I get fatter and broker each time I don't take my lunch to work"

"I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief"

"I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back"

"I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why family and friends expect that for free"

"I give in to beer pressure"

"I give the eclipse one star"

"I go to the gym almost every day -- almost Monday, almost Tuesday..."

"I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays"

"I go to work, I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, and then I clock out"

"I Googled the phrase 'missing medieval servant.' It came back with 'Page not found'"

"I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!"

"I got a bottle of scotch for my wife..." (joke)

"I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable..." (joke)

"I got a job at Spectrum and completed training so I could fix my own cable..." (joke)

"I got a job making plastic Draculas. Two of us work, so I have to make every second count"

"I got a new job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon"

"I got a rejection letter from the origami university today, I’m not sure what to make of it"

"I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner"

"I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars"

"I got an invite to a wedding that said 'black tie only'" (joke)

"I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer. I’ve been refused bale"

"I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt"

"I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes"

"I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes"

"I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked"

"I got fired at the pickle factory" (joke)

"I got fired from my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that's not how you mark exams"

"I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that’s not how you grade exams

"I got fired from my lawn maintenance job. I just wasn’t cutting it"

"I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really... I had a blast working there!"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends"

"I got food poisoning today I don't know when I'll use it"

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it"

"I got hired today at the comb factory. It's just part time"

"I got hit by a violin, a clarinet and a French horn today. It was an orchestrated attack"

"I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink"

"I got in trouble at a park for lining squirrels up by height. They didn't like me critter sizing"

"I got invited by a salad to his house. He wouldn't lettuce leaf!"

"I got kicked out of a Jewish bakery today. All I did was ask, 'What's the challah cost?'"

"I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it" (joke)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine"

"I got kicked out of the coffee club just because I wore a tea shirt"

"I got kicked out of the hospital after telling the coronavirus infected patients to stay positive"

"I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate"

"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate"

"I got my first shot. And I'll get my second shot as soon as I can get the bartender's attention"

"I got my stomach doing crunches -- usually either Nestlé or Captain"

"I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination..."

"I got pulled over by a cop with Alzheimer’s. He said, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?'"

"I got pulled over in the carpool lane today..." (joke)

"I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car"

"I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get a drink & won a dance contest"

"I got so much procrastinating done today"

"I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen" (quarantine)

"I got stung by a bee yesterday. Twenty dollars for a jar of honey!"

"I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money"

"I got thrown out of the zoo for making a parrot laugh. Polly tickle correctness!"

"I got voted 'least likely to succeed' by my high school class" (joke)

"I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell"

"I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I'm just a drunk"

"I grew up surrounded by poverty -- my maid was poor, my butler was poor ..." (joke)

"I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday..." (joke)

"I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze"

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" (1969)

"I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa"

"I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!"

"I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep"

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with death"

"I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience"

"I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream to read other people's minds. Then I joined Facebook"

"I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating"

"I had a life...but my job ate it"

"I had a lot of stuff to do today. Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow"

"I had a pleasure trip -- took my mother-in-law to the airport"

"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy"

"I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime"

"I had a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was furious"

"I had a thought, but unfortunately I had a second thought..." (joke)

"I had a thought, but unfortunately I had another thought..." (joke)

"I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lackin'"

"I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lacking"

"I had donkey meat for the first time. It tasted like ass"

"I had heard so much raving about 'The Big Apple,' as it was called" (Malcolm X, 1964)

"I had my parking validated -- which was nice because I'd been practicing for so long"

"I had my patience tested. I'm negative"

"I had no idea what ghee was until someone clarified it for me"

"I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. It's my own fault for using the self checkout"

"I had to fire our fruit delivery guy this morning. He was driving me bananas"

"I had to fly across the country for my vaccine, and, wow, are my arms sore"

"I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows"

"I had to prove I was a citizen of New York, so I stabbed him" (joke)

"I had to stop going to this comedy coffee shop. Too much brew haha"

"I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"

"I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice from the car windscreen, but only got 10% off"

"I had to walk to school uphill, both ways! – M.C. Escher"

"I Happen To Like New York" (1930)

"I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate coffee -- it keeps me awake at work"

"I hate connect-the-dot puzzles. That’s where I draw the line"

"I hate everybody, regardless of race, creed, or place of national origin!"

"I hate flash mobs. One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe"

"I hate it when cashiers check to see if my money is fake" (joke)

"I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn't notice it was the last bite..."

"I hate it when I lose stuff at school, like my pencils and papers and life ambitions"

"I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...you know...Oreos"

"I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but I discover they're just regular donuts"

"I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart..." (joke)

"I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life"

"I hate losing more than I love winning"

"I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays"

"I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol. And I need alcohol, because I hate my job"

"I hate peer pressure and so should you"

"I hate peer pressure and you should, too"

"I hate pending payments. Just take it already so I can start my healing process"

"I hate pending payments. Just take that shit so I can start my healing process"

"I hate people that say 'it’s too early to be eating that.' WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?"

"I hate people who bang on your door and tell you to be 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen"

"I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst"

"I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents and customs officials"

"I hate people who use physically impossible metaphors. They make my blood boil"

"I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves"

"I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up"

"'I hate tacos!' said no Juan ever"

"I hate the new Windows 10 update. It puts me on Edge"

"I hate this time of the year. It’s like winter and spring are fighting over custody"

"I hate to toot my own horn, but I've gotten pretty good at playing other people's trumpets!"

"I hate when I don't forward a chain letter, and then I die the next day"

"I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find are ingredients"

"I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients"

"I hate when people are outside when I'm trying to parallel park. I need some privacy!"

"I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting"

"I hate when people say 'it’s too early to eat that.' What time does a stomach open?"

"I hate when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun. You don’t need running shoes to run"

"I hate when people text me GM. General Motors to you, too"

"I hate when people use GM in place of good morning. General Motors to you, too"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when someone rings my doorbell because then I have to pretend I'm not home"

"I hate when the debit/credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay"

"I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and the car is parked"

"I hate when you make a typo in your post and the whole thing is urined"

"I hate words that are the same, but are pronounced differently like read and read, live and live, taxation and theft"

"I have 2 milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving"

"I have a chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable"

"I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia"

"I have a condition that prevents me from staying home or wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition that prevents me from wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger"

"I have a disease called it’s nice out so I’m drinking"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of alcohol"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of beer"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of vodka"

"I have a drinking problem. I ran out of wine"

"I have a drinking problem. I'm out of drinks"

"I have a drinking problem. I'm out of money"

"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it"

"I have a feeling that my 'check liver' light' may come on this weekend"

"I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous"

"I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian"

"I have a hard time finishing what I sta--"

"I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs"

"I Have a Little Dreidel" or "My Dreidel" (The Dreidel Song)

"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work"

"I have a love hat relationship with autocorrect"

"I have a lovely gold watch -- a family heirloom. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me"

"I have a medical condition. I'm allergic to tyranny. It makes me break out in rebellion"

"I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words, too"

"I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer and I have a Czech one too"

"I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something. you're still getting something impressive"

"I have a pretty big butt, so when I half ass something you're still getting something impressive"

"I have a rice cake joke, but it's tasteless"

"I have a smart phone with a dumb battery"

"'I have a split personality,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder"

"I have a Supreme Court figure -- no appeal"

"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat"

"I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers"

"I have added 'extensive experience in dealing with stupid people' to my resume"

"I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?"

"I have an addiction to tag. It'll be touch and go, whether I need professional help"

"I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings..."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's just not a very good one"

"I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch"

"I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes"

"I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs' feet..." (Dallas waitress joke?)

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me"

"I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop"

"I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together... it's called coffee"

"I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work"

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something"

"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes"

"I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless I can pay him by the 13th"

"I have ice in my veins" (cool under pressure)

"I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs"

"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have mixed drinks about feelings"

"'I have multiple personality disorder,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say"

"I have never been hurt by what I have not said"

"I have never known a worthwhile man who became too big for his boots or his Bible"

"I have never seen an ALCOHOL company using a drunk person for any advertising"

"I have never understood why it is 'greed' to want to keep the money you have earned"

"I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors..."

"I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community"

"I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right. The other ones..."

"I have seen things. Awful things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have seen things. Horrible things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have seen things. Terrible things. Empty coffee cup things"

"I have the patience of a Saint. Saint Cunty McFuckoff"

"I have the right to remain silent, but I don't have the ability"

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing"

"I have to plug my phone into the charger so much I basically have a landline again"

"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself"

"I have two milestones at work: 1. Lunch 2. Leaving"

"I have two reactions when I leave the house: 1. Ew, the weather. 2. Ew, the people"

"I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex"

"I haven't been this excited about a Friday, since last Friday"

"I haven't been this excited about Friday since last Friday"

"I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow"

"I haven't had a single drink all day. They've all been doubles"

"I haven’t kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club. Now they’re sending me threatening letters"

"I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long"

"I haven't seen faith move mountains, but I have seen what faith can do to buildings"

"I haven’t tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys..."

"I hear proofreading is being abolished. Is nothing scared?"

"I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone"

"I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math. Glad to know I’m in the other 2%"

"I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree. They make a prickly pear"

"I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard..."

"I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos"

"I heard the government is putting chips into people. I hope I get BBQ"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get hot Cheetos"

"I heard the government is putting chips in people. I hope I get sour cream and onion"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get tortilla chips!"

"I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there"

"I heard you can get lawyers at IKEA now. They're affordable, but you have to build your own case"

"I hired a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov"

"I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don't have car insurance"

"I hit two great balls on the golf course -- I stepped on a rake" (joke)

"I homeschool because I have seen the village and I don't want it raising my children"

"I hope my government will let me go outside today"

"I hope the bars open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking"

"I hope the grocery stores will put the arrows back on the floor again so I can feel safe"

"I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!"

"I hope the pubs open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking"

"I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda"

"I hope we can all still be friends even if we end up in different concentration camps"

"I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny"

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears"

"I hope your favorite football team wins, so it can benefit your life in no way whatsoever"

"I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are They/Lied"

"I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are Told/You/So"

"'I' is the only difference between fit and fat"

"I joined a 12-step program for people who talk too much. It's called On and On Anon"

"I joined a dating site for arsonists. I got a match straight away"

"I just baked you some shut the fucupcakes"

"I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good"

"I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it felt good"

"I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeled good"

"I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeleded good"

"I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated DVD"

"I just bought a new answering machine. What should I ask it?"

"I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she's so realistic she just wants to be friends"

"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven"

"I just can't handle automatic doors"

"I just can't see myself wearing camouflage"

"'I just caught a terrorist!' said no TSA agent ever"

"I just cleared out some space in the freezer sounds much more productive than I had ice cream"

"I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister"

"I just crashed my Kia. Now I have Nokia"

"I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it"

"I just don't want to look back and think, 'I could've eaten that'"

"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking"

"I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking"

"I just flew back from a Spaghetti-O's convention and Boyardee's arms tired"

"I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!"

"I just flew in from a ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired"

"I just flew in from a Transformers convention. And boy, my arms are tires"

"I just flew in from Italy and boyardee’s arms tired"

"I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all just mapleleaf"

"I just found out my Indian name is...chugalottajava"

"I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower..."

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant. It really is Black Fry Day"

"I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day"

"I just got fired from a florist. Apparently I took too many leaves"

"I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. He wanted an ex-box"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Coffee. I had coffee"

"I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Oreos. I had Oreos"

"I just heard someone refer to Texas as 'Howdy Arabia' and I still haven't stopped laughing"

"I just hope both teams had fun"

"I just hope both teams have fun"

"I just joined a dating site for arsonists. Still waiting for a match"

"I just joined a gym for religious minorities -- Jehovah's Fitness"

"I just joined the navy out of spite. I'm a petty officer!"

"I just laugh stuff off cause prison don't cook the food I like"

"I just lost my job as a zookeeper..." (joke)

"I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel"

"I just need to see a few more campaign ads and then I think I'll be ready to make a final decision"

"I just paid my car registration. The roads will be fixed any day now"

"I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some serious explaining to do"

"I just pead on the table" (pea joke)

"I just realized I am not a morning person. I'm a coffee person"

"I just realized the paper towels by the gas pump are for wiping away tears after filling your gas"

"I just realized why this month is called 'May.' It may rain, it may snow..."

"I just received a ‘Save the Date’ card. I didn’t even know they were an endangered fruit"

"I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle"

"I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single"

"I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook"

"I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics over Thanksgiving dinner"

"I just shoveled 6 inches of global warming off my driveway"

"I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup. Took the words right out of my mouth"

"I just sprayed fruit scented Febreze in my bathroom. Now it smells like shitrus"

"I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' & could one of you guys send bail money?"

"I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner..."

"I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink and have music at a normal volume..."

"I just want to drink coffee, create stuff and sleep"

"I just witnessed a lady throw away the center of a cinnamon roll..."

"I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office" (joke)

"I just yelled into a colander and strained my voice"

"I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for, but I never get a straight answer"

"I keep hitting the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I'm dealing with"

"I keep my hot sauce in the refrigerator. Now it's just sauce"

"I keep pre cooked bacon in my fridge that I call 'Hurricane Bacon'..."

"I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' -- I think I might have florets"

"I keep trying to buy a grocery checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me"

"I keep trying to remember to buy new Post-It notes, but I don't have anything to remind me"

"I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It's now water under the fridge"

"I kinda wish Dolly sang 10-3 instead"

"I kinda wish Dolly sang 10-2 instead"

"I kiss better than I cook"

"I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition"

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early"

"I knew school wasn't for me when I cheated on a test and still failed"

"I knew school wasn't for me when I failed an open book test"

"I knew summer was coming and I just kept eating"

"I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time"

"I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a bunch of good puns about umbrellas but they usually go over people's heads"

"I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work"

"I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial"

"'I know a word that uses all six vowels including 'y' in alphabetical order,' said Tom facetiously"

"I know alcohol isn't the answer, but it's my best guess"

"I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order"

"I know Facebook has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak"

"I know how to do anything. I'm a mom"

"I know how to load more than a washer & dryer" (pro-gun slogan)

"I know HTML (How To Meet Ladies)"

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

"I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate"

"I know it's not true, but let’s make the sonafabitch deny it" (a loaded political question)

"I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger..."

"I know loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can't think of one atm"

"I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them"

"I know she ate a worm, but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate"

"I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax return"

"I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay"

"I leave homework for the last day because I'll be older and wiser"

"I led the pigeons to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (1954, 1962) ("Forgotten in Manhattan" lyric)

"I left my self cleaning oven open overnight to see if it would do the rest of the kitchen"

"I lent my grandfather clock to my friend and now he owes me big time"

"I like all my money facing the same way"

"I like bananas because they have no bones"

"I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes"

"I like cities, and New York is the only real city-city" (Truman Capote)

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake"

"I like coffee more than people"

"I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning"

"I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns. I would never armadillo"

"I like doing multiplications, sum times"

"I like eating Nerds because I'm secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off"

"I like frozen apples. They're hardcore"

"I like hashtags because they look like waffles"

"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one"

"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target"

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"

"I like my beer like I like my violence: domestic"

"I like my bibliographies the way I like my hot dogs: Chicago style"

"I like my citations like I like my hot dogs: Chicago style"

"I like my citations like I like my pizza: Chicago style"

"I like my coffee black, like my soul"

"I like my coffee how I like my friends. Strong and slightly bitter"

"I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you"

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free"

"I like my coffee like I like my thoughts. Dark, bitter, and keeping me up at night"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup"

"I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis" (anti-joke)

"I like my coffee so strong that it wakes my neighbors"

"I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors"

"I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism"

"I like my friends like I like my margaritas: salty"

"I like my guns like Democrats like their voters: undocumented"

"I like my guns like I like my immigrants: undocumented"

"I like my kids like I like my flour. Self-raising"

"I like my men like I like my passwords. Same one for the past 20 years"

"I like my men like I like my passwords. Strong, long and forgettable"

"I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet"

"I like my music loud and my coffee strong"

"I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams big"

"I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams large"

"I like my pizza like I like my citations: Chicago style"

"I like my steak so rare...a good vet could bring it back to life"

"I like my whiskey so strong it makes my neighbors drunk"

"I like my women how I like my Coronavirus..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my Covid..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my laptop. On my lap, turned on and virus free"

"I like my women like I like Little Caesars. Hot and Ready"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and on my lap"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Irish"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Sent back for not being hot enough"

"I like my women like I like my margaritas: salty and full of tequila"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Same one for the past 20 years"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Short and insecure"

"I like my women like I like my passwords. Strong, unique, secure and randomly generated"

"I like my women like I like my ramen noodles. Hot, cheap and Asian"

"I like my women like I like my ramen noodles. Hot, cheap and Japanese"

"I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name"

"I like my women like I like my wine..." (joke)

"(I Like New York in June) How About You?" (1941)

"I like people just the way i like my tea. In a bag, underwater"

"I like people like I like my tea. In a bag...underwater"

"I like people the way I like my tea. In a bag, under water"

"I like school. I just don't enjoy the learning part"

"I like the part of the day when food happens"

"I like to be what I call 'comfortably caffeinated.' That's means I've got coffee and maybe pants"

"I like to cook my pasta al Dante. I boil the hell out of them"

"I like to give a percentage of my earnings to Charity...and other strippers"

"I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers"

"I like to paint peas in a cage. I’m a trapped peas artist"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to put German wine in my cooking on an add hock basis"

"I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert"

"I listen to the voices in my coffee"

"I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this. -- Ayn Rand"

"I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this. -- George Orwell"

"I live for dried grapes. They're my raisin d'être"

"I live for my alarm clock collection. It's what gets me up in the morning"

"I live for small dried fruits. They're my raisin d'être"

"I live in a free country. I have all the licenses and permits to prove it"

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped"

"I live in a two-story house" (marriage/divorce joke)

"I live in the South ...... where lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers"

"I live on a cul-de-sac, which is French for 'Everybody here is white'"

"I loaned a blind guy some money" (joke)

"I long for the day when we have to run bake sales to raise money for bombs"

"I look fat. Please say something nice."/"You have perfect eyesight."

"I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke"

"I looked for the key to success and then found it's a combination lock"

"I lost it in the sun" (baseball infielder after fumbling a ground ball)

"I lost my job as a yes man because I no too much"

"I lost my job at the zoo recently..." (joke)

"I lost my job making stencils. They said I wasn't cut out for it"

"I lost my Tic Tacs today. Now, I'm looking for replacemints"

"I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas"

"I love Basmati rice. I could eat it Tilda cows come home"

"I love bowling! It's the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour"

"I love coffee, I love tea" ("Java Jive")

"I love cooking children and dogs. But hate using commas"

"I love cooking with wine -- sometimes I even put it in the food"

"I love deadlines; I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"

"I love doing crunches. If by 'doing crunches' you mean 'eating chips'"

"I love fall most of all"

"I love food more than I love people"

"I love hard work. I could watch it all day"

"I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean coffee. Coffee is my friend"

"I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean my dog"

"I love how all these so-called 'vegans' still drink water. That's a fish's house!"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for about 30 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for approximately 34 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you're in a good mood for like 27 minutes"

"I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you're in a good mood for like 32 minutes"

"I love that the mainstream media position is 'yes the CIA did bad things in the 50s, 60s...'"

"I love how we call it social media when 75% of us are either alone at home or on the toilet"

"I love how we call it 'social media' when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet"

"I love it when a flan comes together"

"I love it when the weather turns ugly because it means the decision I already made not to leave..."

"I love ketchup from my head tomatoes"

"I love kindness unless it’s a person at a four way stop waving for me to go when it is clearly their turn"

"I love my boss (I'm self-employed)"

"I love my computer because my friends live in it"

"I love my country, but I fear my government"

"I love my country...but I think we should start seeing other people"

"I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat"

"I Love New York" (2005)

"I Love NY" ("I Love NY More Than Ever")

"I love reunions. They're old school"

"I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words"

"I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast"

"I love smoothies. They're so much nicer than hairies"

"I love social media. Back in my day, I had to insult people one at a time"

"I love taking a picture of myself next to a boiling kettle. I think I may have selfie steam issues"

"I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant"

"I love that 'take out' means food, dating, and murder"

"I love the smell of don't fuck with me in the morning"

"I love the smell of possibility in the morning"

"I love the smell of socially acceptable chemical dependence in the morning"

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money"

"(I Love to Play Piano) Let Me Bang Your Box" (1954)

"'I love turning the clocks back so it gets dark by 4 pm' Said no one ever"

"I love watching The History Channel. It's my favorite past time"

"I love when my boss catches me doing work"

"I love you a latte"

"I love you a yacht" ("I love you a whole yacht")

"I love you like milk loves cookies"

"I love you like the last slice of pizza"

"I love you more than Chinese restaurants love cats"

"I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee"

"I love you more than milk loves cookies"

"I love you to the fridge and back"

"I made a belt of herbs. It wasn't useful and ended up being a waist of thyme"

"I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it"

"I made a huge to do list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it"

"I made a killing in the stock market today -- I shot my broker"

"I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere. It was a broth of fresh air"

"I made chili con carne from Scratch. I'll miss Scratch. He was a good dog!"

"I made it so Jesus comes up on my laptop if I leave it alone for 5 minutes. He is my screen savior"

"I made love for an hour and fifteen minutes. We turned the clocks ahead"

"I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away"

"I made some jerk chicken today. He didn’t even say 'thank you'!"

"I made some synonym rolls. They all came out looking different, but they taste the same"

"I made some synonym rolls. They're tasty, delicious, mouthwatering, delectable"

"I make chocolate disappear. What's your superpower?"

"I make pour decisions"

"I make serious coffee -- so strong it wakes up the neighbors"

"I may be fat, but I identify as a skinny person. I'm trans-fat"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet"

"I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer"

"I may be ugly, but I fuck like the government"

"I may forget a lot of things, but drinking coffee will never be one of them"

"I may look like a potato now, but one day I'll turn into fries and you'll all want me then"

"I may love to shop, but I'm not buying your bullshit"

"I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the government"

"I mean, yeah, I could probably live without coffee, but..."

"I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me..." (joke)

"I met a girl at a soccer game. I think she’s a keeper"

"I met my ex-wife at the gym. We didn't work out"

"I met my girlfriend at an African language class. We just clicked!"

"I met my wife on the net. We were bad trapeze artists"

"I met my wife on Tinder. That was awkward"

"I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We're going to go on a date"

"I might just take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right"

"I might not be pretty, but I fuck like the government"

"I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I'm in a hotel" (quarantine joke)

"I might wake up early and go running..." (joke)

"I miss being able to raw dog oxygen"

"I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can"

"I miss New York so much, sometimes I fill my humidifier with urine"

"I miss skipping school. Calling out of work is too serious"

"I missed the cosmetics exam. I had to do a makeup test"

"I misunderstood the meaning of 'strip mall' and now I’m not allowed back"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of an enemy"

"I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that's another story"

"I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars"

"I moved to New York for my health. I'm paranoid and my fears were justified"

"I must be in the front row"

"'I must do something' will always solve more problems than 'Something must be done'"

"I must get up. My coffee needs me"

"I must have money because I still have checks left"

"I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make"

"I named my stomach Budapest, Because it is the capital of Hungry"

"I need a battery so I can tell the time."/"Is it for a clock?" (joke)

"I need a coffee, a vacation, and a bag full of cash. That's all"

"I need a coffee so strong that I forget my problems and possibly my name, too"

"I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy"

"I need a hug...e bottle of wine"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of beer"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of vodka"

"I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of wine"

"I need a maycation. I may come back and I may not"

"I need a six month vacation, twice a year"

"I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend"

"I need an appointment."/"How about 10 tomorrow?"/"No, I don't need that many."

"I need coffee & you need a shut the fucupcake"

"I need glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses of Scotch"

"I need my coffee because sometimes this mouth wakes up before my brain does"

"I need some kind of cation... vacation... staycation... medication..."

"I need some kind of cation... vacation... staycation... relocation... medication..."

"I need some kinda cation... vacation... staycation... medication..."

"I need that kinda coffee that's so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up"

"I need to find a way to be asleep, but still get all my work done"

"I need to get back in shape, but I'm kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end"

"I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end"

"I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator"

"I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve"

"I need to start buying condiment colored shirts"

"I need vitamin Cash"

"I need y'all to drive with that same energy you pulled out in front of me with"

"I need you to drive with the same energy you pulled out in front of me with"

"I never dreamed about success. I worked for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I never drink. I just disinfect internal injuries"

"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes"

"I never drive on back roads after smoking marijuana, because it's not the high way"

"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still"

"I never finish anyth"

"I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts"

"I never got a job from a poor person"

"I never joined the mile-high club because I don't give a flying fuck"

"I never knew I could drop out of school until the 'Be cool, stay in school' guy gave a speech"

"I never laugh until I've had my coffee"

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure"

"I never promised you a rose garden"

"I never question myself. Why should I start now?"

"I never realized how short a month is until I started paying bills"

"I never realized how short a month was until I started paying bills"

"I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary"

"I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 10-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise..."

"I never thought I'd get into Feng Shui, but oh, how the tables have turned"

"I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth"

"I never understood school shooting jokes. I guess they're aimed at a younger audience"

"I never use body butter. I don't want to make myself irresistible to cannibals"

"I never used to warm up my Thanksgiving leftovers, but then I quit cold turkey"

"I never vote for anybody; I always vote against"

"I no longer identify as a 'conspiracy theorist'..."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status"

"I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked...but that's rare"

"I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes"

"I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships. I took gold, silver and bronze"

"I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring"

"I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas"

"I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker"

"I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert"

"I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils"

"I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one"

"I only accept apologies in cash"

"I only carry rare coins. I have no common cents"

"I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot"

"I only drink beer 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink bourbon 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink coffee 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink whiskey 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only drink wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow"

"I only eat in three places: here, there and everywhere"

"I only have a kitchen because it came with the house"

"'I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,' said Tom heartlessly"

"I only like New York as a friend"

"I only need coffee on days ending with the letter 'Y'"

"I only practice safe sex in bank vaults"

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country" (Nathan Hale)

"I only saw Act I. The program said 'Act II, one year later,' and I couldn't wait that long"

"I only saw Act I. The program said 'Act II, same as Act I,' but I didn't want to see it over again"

"I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop. Nobody came"

"I opened a tub of margarine & inside was a lump of green slime. I can’t believe it, snot butter"

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee"

"I ordered a Manhattan and that Indian bartender charged me $24!"

"I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but.. I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I ordered two large fries, not a hundred little ones!"

"I prefer my kale with a silent 'k'"

"I overshare on social media to make up for never talking to anyone in real life"

"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go"

"I owe it all to art books, chocolate and young men" (Beatrice Wood)

"I paid my rent so don't ask me to come out. I'm at home getting my money's worth"

"I paid my taxes, and all I got was this stupid oligarchy"

"I paid the rent... Now I've got a place to starve to death"

"I passed a drug test recently, which is strange because I don't remember eating one"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colors"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colours"

"I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis"

"I paused my game to be here" (gaming saying)

"I pay too many bills to be paying attention to people that don’t pay my bills"

"I pay too many bills to be paying attention to shit that don't pay my bills"

"I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a..." (joke)

"I pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon"

"I plan on marrying into a family that does mimosas on holiday mornings instead of 5K’s"

"I play a little guitar, but mostly I play the ukulele"

"I play a little guitar" (ukulele joke)

"I played a great horse yesterday. It took seven horses to beat him"

"I played frisbee with my dog today. I think I need a flatter dog"

"I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break"

"I pledge a legion to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge a lesion to the flag" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge a lesson to the frog" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage..." (coffee pledge)

"I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization..."

"I posed naked for a men's fitness magazine. The cashier would have preferred I'd just paid for it"

"I prefer my guns the way Democrats prefer their voters: undocumented and untraceable"

"I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way"

"I pretend coffee helps, but I’m still a bitch"

"I pretended to be asleep and then I fell asleep. Now I'm going to pretend I'm skinny"

"I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night. Especially as I walked there"

"I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something"

"I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies. Yup, he’s my screen-savior"

"I put ketchup in my eyes today. In Heinzsight, it was a bad idea"

"I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I put my wife's chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix"

"I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey..."

"I question the timing" (IQTT)

"I quit as a taxi driver. Couldn’t stand all the people talking behind my back"

"I quit my job crushing cans. It was soda pressing"

"I quit my job over religious differences. My boss thought he was God and I didn’t"

"I quit my job testing treadmills. I felt I wasn't going anywhere"

"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice"

"I quit smoking cold turkey" (joke)

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"'I ran a half marathon' sounds so much better than 'I quit halfway through a marathon'"

"I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries"

"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty"

"I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough"

"I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy"

"I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more"

"I rarely put orange slices in my beer. Once in a Blue Moon"

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction" (joke)

"I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish they'd told me..." (joke)

"I really don't know how fast light travels, but it gets here too early in the morning"

"I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers"

"I really love my fanbase...without it my fan would fall over"

"I really shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there"

"I really want to buy a supermarket checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought a bread knife. It's not as good as stainless steel"

"I recently came into a large sum of money" (joke)

"I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot. We call ourselves On and On Anon"

"I recently opened a restaurant. I guess you could call me an entrée-preneur"

"I recently passed a drug test, which is weird because I don't recall eating one"

"I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake. I feel like canoe person"

"I recently took my apiary exam. I got a B"

"I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees..."

"I reckon the inventor of Ovaltine must be a malty millionaire by now"

"I refuse to bookmark a website..." (joke)

"I refuse to drink tap water till it’s gone though my Brita filter that I haven’t changed"

"I refuse to make my own sandwich. I rely on sub contractors"

"I refuse to pay for Jewish bread. I'm a challah cost denier"

"I refuse to work with compost. It's degrading"

"I reject the assertion that my family & I must be made defenseless for you & yours to feel safe"

"I reject the assertion that my family must be made defenseless for you to be safe"

"I reject the belief that I must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe"

"I relabeled all the jars in the spice rack at home. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin"

"I relish pickles"

"I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite inn-dependent"

"I remember a time when people who got tested with no apparent symptoms were called hypochondriacs"

"I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's election night"

"I remember when I was broke. I’m still broke that’s why I remember so well"

"I remember when I was poor. I’m still poor that’s why I remember so well"

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education"

"I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God's greatest gifts he'll give..."

"I run better than the government"

"I run better than the government"

"I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run entirely on caffeine and anger"

"I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm, lifting weights and inappropriate thoughts"

"I run like the winded"

"I run on caffeine and anger"

"I run on caffeine, cats and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on coffee and bad decisions"

"I run on coffee and cuss words"

"I run on coffee, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on coffee & Christmas cheer"

"I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick"

"I run on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick"

"I run because I really like food"

"I said, 'Make me a Zombie.' The bartender said, 'God beat me to it'"

"I said to my boss the other day, 'I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!'" (joke)

"I said to the waitress, 'What’s the duck like?' She said, 'Like a chicken, but it can swim.'"

"I save my back exercise till the end. Lats but not least"

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time"

"I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I miss New York,' so I broke the window and stole the radio"

"I saw a bumper sticker saying 'I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal'"

"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out"

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting"

"I saw a family of raisins in the bank today. They were opening a currant account!"

"I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee"

"I saw a guy at the beach yelling, 'Help! Shark! Help!' I knew the shark wasn't helping"

"I saw a hot dog vendor today..." (joke)

"I saw a microbiologist today. He was bigger than I imagined"

"I saw a movie on databases today. Can't wait for the SQL"

"I saw a pasta driving a piece of yellow fruit. Spaghetti in a car banana"

"I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound"

"I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. It would work much better on the front"

"I saw a sign in a shop window that read ‘Pay No Interest.’ So I carried on walking"

"I saw a sign on the train saying, 'Please give this seat to an elderly person'" (joke)

"I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired"

"I saw a sign that made me piss myself. It said, 'Toilets closed'"

"I saw a sign that made me shit myself. It said, 'Bathroom closed'"

"I saw a sign that said 'falling rocks.' I tried. It doesn't"

"I saw a sign that said 'Slow Deer Crossing.' Why don't the deer just run faster?"

"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children'" (joke)

"I saw a spider at the gym. He said it was leg leg leg leg leg leg leg leg day"

"I saw an ad that said, 'TV for sale-Volume Stuck on Full.' I couldn't turn that down"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Elvis impersonator covered in cream and black cherries, singing 'In the Gâteau'"

"I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low"

"I saw the acronym NYFW (New York Fashion Week) and read it as Not Yafe For Work"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw two men in matching outfits, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me!"

"I saw you from across the bar. Stay there" (social distancing pickup line)

"I saw your shirt. Who's NY?" -Overly Attached Girlfriend

"I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it"

"I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen"

"I say please and thank you Siri, that way when machines take over the world she will spare me"

"I scream for ice cream" ("I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream")

"I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward"

"'I see,' said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw"

"I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again. The stock market's gone crazy"

"I see way too many gardens without tiny bearded figurines. The gnomeless"

"I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something"

"I seen my opportunities and I took 'em" & "Honest graft" (George Washington Plunkitt)

"I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple, $3 for pumpkin. These are the pie rates of the car I be in"

"I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout"

"I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late..." (joke)

"I sexually identify as a microwave dinner..." (joke)

"I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street"

"I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye"

"I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime"

"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head"

"I shouldn't have had seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel"

"I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it's a level 5 course"

"I skip Black Friday because my hatred of mankind outweighs my love for stuff"

"I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom"

"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?"

"I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendants understand this?"

"I slept in a bed of rice last night. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau"

"I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again"

"I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other"

"I souport publik edukashun"

"I speak fluent French (fries)"

"I speak French (fries)"

"I spend a lot of time holding the fridge door open looking for answers"

"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer"

"I spent $1,000, but the limo had no driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it"

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday"

"I spent four years in college and didn't learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych"

"I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne"

"I spent three weeks trying to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey -- through the beak"

"I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam"

"I squint at the sun because it is bright. I squint at people because they are not"

"I squint at the sun because it's bright. I squint at people because they aren't"

"I squint at the sun because it's bright. I squint at people because they're not"

"I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer. Someone will be showing me the ropes"

"I started a business that sells fertilizer. You could say I'm an entre-manure"

"I started a cold air balloon business, but I'm having trouble getting it off the ground"

"I started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire"

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"

"I stayed at a vegan hotel last night. It was the Radishon"

"I stayed in a hotel run by two contortionists. They bent over backwards for me"

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me"

"I stayed up to watch daylight savings time. It was still dark"

"I stepped on a cornflake this morning. I'm a cereal killer now"

"I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper"

"I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room New Year's Eve. I might not even go"

"I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for"

"I still hate Commies... even after they changed their name to Liberals"

"I still have a landline, or as I like to call it, 'a cell phone finder'"

"I stole the car because I had to get to work" (joke)

"I stole yeast from the local bakery. They can't prove a thing"

"I stood waving at my neighbor for 10 minutes before realizing she was just cleaning her windows"

"I stop the microwave with 1 second to go so I can feel like a bomb disposal expert"

"I stopped living paycheck to paycheck. Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit"

"I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved"

"I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX"

"I stumbled across a website for clumsy people"

"I submitted 10 puns to a newspaper contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did"

"I support renewable energy. It's called coffee"

"I support the fair tax. 0% is fair. Anything above that is stealing"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that expects to fit into clothes"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone who expects to fit into clothes"

"I sure hope I get an 'A' on my daughter's science fair project"

"I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had"

"I swallowed an abacus because it’s what’s inside that counts"

"I swear it was Friday like 5 minutes ago"

"I swear it was Friday like 2 seconds ago"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God" (joke)

"I swim because I'm too sexy for a sport that requires clothes"

"I swim to look good naked"

"I switched to a wine that doesn't make me urinate. Pinot Moor"

"I take my coffee with two scoops of it's too early for this shit and a splash of zip it until noon"

"I take my paycheck to the bar because that’s better than drinking a loan"

"I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he's aware wolf"

"I taught my daughter what the word 'bargain' meant" (joke)

"I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa"

"I tell new hires, 'Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you'"

"I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious"

"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don't buy lottery tickets"

"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone who doesn't even play it"

"I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think every morning that I'm going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I think everyone should use two deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents"

"I think getting older is when you'd rather day drink than go out all night"

"I think I aced my drug test at work yesterday. Nobody got higher than me"

"I think I still have some unfinished procrastinating to do from yesterday"

"I think it would be great if Walmart added an upper level observation deck with a full bar"

"I think it's about time we start calling this 'virus' by its proper name: #5GFLU"

"I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands"

"I think it's neat to order whisky, no ice"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think I've been eating too much salmon recently. I keep running up down escalators"

"I think my cat might be a communist. He won't shut up about Mao"

"I think my 'check liver' light is going to come on soon"

"I think my coworkers are gay. Every time I walk by they mumble, 'What an ass!'"

"I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work"

"I think my math teacher works for the CIA. He always wants to put radicals in isolation"

"I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it"

"I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas"

"I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at school"

"I think my smartphone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work"

"I think my soulmate might be carbs"

"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York"

"I think of Wednesday as the middle finger of the work week"

"I think someone's been watering down my whiskey, but I don't have the proof"

"I think that a butt-dial is a polite form of booty-call"

"I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it"

"I think the girl at the grocery store likes me. She was totally checking me out"

"I think the holidays are a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks"

"I think, therefore I am censored"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with a lot of people"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with most people"

"I think, therefore I don't have much in common with quite a few people"

"I think we need to stop calling it 'working from home' and start calling it 'living at work'"

"I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor. raise your hand"

"I think you press '0' to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help"

"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me"

"I thought a gyroscope helped you find Greek food"

"I thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think"

"I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into cheese sauce, but it was a queso mistaken identity"

"I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought I liked seeing movies, but turns out I like eating candy in a dark room"

"I thought I'd take a stab at an Ides of March joke"

"I thought it was 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator"

"I thought they said 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me"

"I threw out animal crackers because the box said, 'Do not consume if seal is broken'"

"I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner"

"I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I'm not remotely funny"

"I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me" (joke)

"I told my builder I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair"

"I told my cycologist about you"

"I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back..." (joke)

"I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning"

"I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place"

"I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage"

"I told my wife a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar"

"I told my wife a man is like good wine; he gets better with age. So she locked me in the cellar"

"I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares"

"I told myself I should stop drinking... But i'm not about to listen to some drunk"

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places" (joke)

"I told the waitress my steak was bad..." (joke)

"I took a baking class. The final was a piece of cake"

"I took a dehumidifier into a sauna, just to see which one would win"

"I took a demolitions class. The first day was a train wreck"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative"

"I took her to a barn dance, but all I got was the same old stall"

"I took levitation classes once, but I dropped out"

"I took my car in for a service this morning. I couldn't get it through the church doors"

"I took my dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy"

"I took my son to Coney Island. I asked, 'Wanna go in the Crazy House?'" (joke)

"I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday. Apparently, it wasn't the Apple Watch she wanted"

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today" (joke)

"I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point"

"I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out"

"I tried cooking with wine. After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen"

"I tried making a candlelit dinner. I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven"

"I tried paying taxes with a smile, but the IRS wanted cash"

"I tried playing water polo, but my horse drowned"

"I tried starting my day without coffee once... My court date is pending"

"I tried suing someone for stealing my basketball, but it got thrown out of court"

"I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt. After using up two bags of salt I gave up"

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life"

"I tried to buy a hot dog with ketchup, but the vendor would only accept cash"

"I tried to buy a life insurance policy, but they just laughed and said I need to get a life first"

"I tried to catch some fog. I mist"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get"

"I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed. He gave me an A4 effort"

"I tried to force-feed our son when my wife said, 'Use the fricking spoon. You're not a Jedi'"

"I tried to go to a moving sale today, but I couldn't catch up to it"

"I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money"

"I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me"

"I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive, but he only accepts a Whatsapp doc"

"I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench" (joke)

"I tried to walk into a Target, but I missed"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I trust the government to lie about everything"

"I try to avoid things that make me fat. Like scales, photos and mirrors"

"I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant 'food'"

"I turn coffee into tax returns"

"I TRUST THE SCIENCE!"/"You trust the television."

"I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn't very good at it. Lance is still in prison"

"I used to be a heavy drinker, but then I lost some weight"

"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired"

"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society. They kicked me out for spilling the beans"

"I used to be a shoe salesman, but they gave me the boot"

"I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink"

"I used to be a trapeze artist, but I was let go"

"I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for two years"

"I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers. I had to quit cold turkey"

"I used to be an expert in the Dunning-Kruger effect. Then I started to learn more about it"

"I used to be in a band called Gravy and Onions. We covered Meat Loaf"

"I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters"

"I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure"

"I used to be liberal. Then I left home & got a job"

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted" (Mae West)

"I used to care what other people thought until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions"

"I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out. She was all mi, mi, mi"

"I used to do drugs in the 60s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 70s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 80s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to do drugs in the sixties. Now I don't care what the temperature is"

"I used to eat all natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes"

"I used to hate eating my greens as a kid. They tasted worse than the other crayons"

"I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point"

"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it"

"I used to have a riding academy, but business kept falling off"

"I used to have a rock garden -- they all died"

"I used to have mad cow disease, but I'm alright noooooo!" (joke)

"I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro"

"I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow"

"I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking. Poor you"

"I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to pee my pants when i stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It cost me my teaching career"

"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another"

"I used to run a riding school, but business kept falling off"

"I used to run an origami company, but it folded"

"I used to see a life coach pretty frequently, back when they were called bartenders"

"I used to see a life coach quite frequently... back then they were called bartenders"

"I used to think drinking a whole pot of coffee by yourself meant you have a problem..."

"I used to think drinking was bad for me...so I gave up thinking"

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure"

"I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me..."

"I used to walk five miles to and from school, uphill both ways" (parent joke)

"I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit. No more Mr. Knife guy"

"I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded"

"I used to work in a diving school, but the company went under"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying"

"I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory, but it was counter productive"

"I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day"

"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead" (workplace saying)

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"

"I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen"

"I wake up with a good attitude every morning. Then idiots happen"

"I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds..." (joke)

"I walked into a bar and ordered a double..." (bar joke)

"I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, 'One day, this could be you'"

"I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, 'Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in'" (joke)

"I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine..." (bar joke)

"I wanna be nice, but then people happen"

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and party every day"

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and patty every day" (guacamole burger)

"I wanna guac and roll all night, and salsa every day"

"I wanna guac & roll all night, and margarita every day"

"I WANNA STOP DRINKING but I realized the owner of the liquor store gotta family to feed"

"I want a deduction stove that cooks food by logically entailing it from a set of premises"

"I want abs...olutely all of this guac"

"I want abs...olutely all the bacon"

"I want abs...olutely all the cookies"

"I want abs...olutely all the donuts"

"I want abs...olutely all the food"

"I want abs...olutely all the pasta and breadsticks"

"I want abs...olutely all the pizza"

"I want abs...olutely all the tacos"

"I want anarchy. Because my keyboard is missing one"

"I want food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"I want fresh ice cubes! None of that frozen shit!"

"I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead"

"I want to be a bartender. Men named Bart... look out"

"I want to be a nice person, but everyone is just so stupid"

"I want to be a nice person, but everyone is so stupid"

"I want to be a nice person, but people are so stupid"

"I want to create a world where the environment doesn't need protecting"

"I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women"

"I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find any bacon seeds"

"I want to grow my own food, but no one makes pizza seeds"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live with the NY Jets. They don't beat anybody"

"I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I want to open a BDSM-themed sandwich shop called Dom's Subs"

"I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things"

"I want to start juicing, but I'm hesitant because I don't know how to juice pizza"

"I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant because I don't know how to juice tacos"

"I want to start selling an alcoholic fermented rice wine spiked with viagra -- For Fucks Saké"

"I want to stop drinking coffee but the owner of Starbucks has a family to feed"

"I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary" (Yogi Berra Night)

"I wanted still water."/"This is sparkling, yes, but it's still water."

"I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment"

"I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares"

"I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account... I can only panic"

"I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic"

"I wanted to give a fuck today, but it clashes with my outfit"

"I wanted to go jogging but Proverbs 28:1 says, 'the wicked run when no one is chasing them'"

"I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe..." (joke)

"I wanted to go running but Proverbs 28:1 says, 'the wicked run when no one is chasing them'"

"I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe..."

"I wanted to marry my jailed English teacher, but you can't end a sentence with a proposition"

"I wanted to place a bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud"

"I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed"

"I wanted to try water skiing but I couldn’t find a sloping lake"

"I was a rubbish church window cleaner. I got rid of all the stains"

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight"

"I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything"

"I was addicted to eating frozen poultry, but I quit cold turkey"

"I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around"

"I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors"

"I was an honor student -- I don't know what happened" (bumper sticker)

"I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen"

"I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me"

"I was bitten by a radioactive lawyer and ended up with the power of attorney"

"I was born at night, but not last night"

"I was born to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell"

"I was drinking at a bar, so i took the bus home..." (joke)

"I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought, wow, this is ledge 'n dairy"

"I was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left,' so I went back home"

"I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she's honest"

"I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming. They were rap scallions"

"I was feeding cannabis-laced brownies to the seabirds. No tern was left unstoned"

"I was feeling bad about my code so I went outside and take a run..." (joke)

"I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company"

"I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand; I'm always hard at work"

"I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts"

"I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violated"

"I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it"

"I was going to buy a new toaster, but kept the old one. Better the Breville you know"

"I was going to eat a spaghetti squash, but then I thought, 'Nah, I butternut'"

"I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it"

"I was going to make a joke about carpentry, but can't think of any that wood work"

"I was going to make a joke about sodium, but Na"

"I was going to post about my afternoon run, but I was autocorrected to afternoon rum"

"I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny"

"I was going to start a hillside herb garden, but didn't have the thyme or the inclination"

"I was going to tell a finance joke, but then again, it would bear no interest to you"

"I was going to turn all my guns over to the government, but I did a background check..."

"I was gonna start dieting, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving and Christmas candy..."

"I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift" (joke)

"I was in love with Harlem long before I got there"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won..." (joke)

"I was led to believe adulthood would involve more cocktail sipping and less everything sucking"

"I was massively overcharged for a jelly this morning. It was daylight wobbly"

"I was meant to be rich. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was meant to be rich, I just know it. I can tell by the way I spend money"

"I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him"

"I was never a photogenic person, mainly because when everyone said cheese I said 'where?!'"

"I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake. It was a tiramisunami"

"I was out on a date with a girl, when I asked her, 'Do you spit or swallow?'" (wine tasting joke)

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'" (joke)

"I was robbed at the gas station today!" (high gas prices joke)

"I was sad, then I saw food"

"I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked 'Add to cart'"

"I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning..." (joke)

"I was sitting in traffic the other day. It's probably why I was run over"

"I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew Chunks" (joke)

"I was poor, I had to use old calendars for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me"

"I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy, though"

"I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at mattermattics, though"

"I was the best man for my brother's wedding in Paris..." (French toast joke)

"I was thinking about going to the Metropolitan Opera, but I am Met-averse"

"I was thinking about starting an awning company, but that's a pretty shady business to get into"

"I was thinking of running a marathon..." (joke)

"I was thinking of studying astronomy, but I fear it's all way over my head"

"I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I wasn't stealing songs; I was just taking notes"

"I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I didn’t steal songs; I was just taking notes"

"I was told that exercise helps with your decision making" (joke)

"I was told there would be no math"

"I was trying to remember what it's called when you mix coffee and ice cream, but affogato!"

"I was very young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then"

"I was walking down the road and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano..."

"I was walking through college and my camouflage teacher said I haven't seen you in class"

"I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced"

"I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could!"

"I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday"

"I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere"

"I wasn’t sitting here awaiting govt guidance on whether I could celebrate Christmas this year"

"I wasn’t sure what to make for dinner, so I opened a bottle of wine and now I don’t care"

"I wasn’t sure whether I should get into the human trafficking business. But now I'm sold"

"I wasn't surprised when I was fired from my graffiti removal job. I saw the writing on the wall"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a movie about graphs. The special f(x) were terrible"

"I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports. It was rated PG tips"

"I watched my first porno today... I looked so much younger back then"

"I watched this play at a disadvantage -- the curtain was up" (Broadway saying)

"I wear a mask while jogging. It's a running gag"

"I wear my T-shirt to bed because my coffee shirt keeps me awake"

"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed 20 Bobs"

"I went fishing on the weekend and used liquorice for bait. I caught allsorts"

"I went fishing today with my two friends, Rod and Annette"

"I went fishing using liquorice as bait. I caught all sorts"

"I went for a job as a contortionist. They asked, 'How flexible are you?'" (joke)

"I went for a job at a suntan lotion factory. I didn’t get it, but I'm going to reapply"

"I went for a run, but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.."

"I went into a restaurant with no shirt or shoes and my phone still worked so take that, sign"

"I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic" (joke)

"I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?"

"I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen. I think it was a zoom meat tin"

"I went outside today, it was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend it"

"I went to a BLM rally this weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt..."

"I went to a buffet restaurant in Northwest Canada the other day. It was all Yukon eat"

"I went to a deli and said, 'I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese'" (joke)

"I went to a drama class and a soccer game broke out"

"I went to a family restaurant and they refused to serve me a family"

"I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!"

"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"

"I went to a protest last weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt...and a TV..."

"I went to a restaurant and the food was all done with special effects. It was CGI Fridays"

"I went to a restaurant run by cows. They didn’t allow tipping"

"I went to a Roman bathroom on the 6th floor. Yes, it was the VI P room"

"I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel"

"I went to a smoke shop, but it had been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar"

"I went to a strip club for blind people. The girls there were dancing like nobody was watching"

"I went to a vegan prostitute last night and she gave me her peas"

"I went to a vegan restaurant last night. Was told the menu was quite tasty" (joke)

"I went to a zoo and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu"

"I went to a market that only sold jelly and custard. It was a trifle bazaar"

"I went to an acting class and a soccer game broke out"

"I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me two hours to finish my soup"

"I went to buy some bouillon cubes at the store today, but they were all out of stock"

"I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I went to Legoland last week. People were lined up for blocks"

"I went to McDonald's and ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead"

"I went to school for magicians, but failed the final exam. They were all trick questions"

"I went to school to become a wit -- only got halfway through"

"I went to Starbucks and asked for a medium roast. The barista said I had small ears"

"I went to the Air and Space Museum the other day. There was nothing there!"

"I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese. It was G rated"

"I went to the corner shop -- bought four corners" (joke)

"I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight..."

"I went to the grocery store. The sign said ‘no food or drink inside.’ So I went home"

"I went to the store to buy chicken broth, but they said they were out of stock"

"I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but ended up picking 7 Up"

"I went to the worst escape room ever. It's called IKEA"

"I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: 'Bread in captivity'"

"I whispered because I didn't want Zuckerberg to hear us. She laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed"

"I will be back on my feet just as soon as the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I will be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I will be mailing out W-2s on January 2nd for everyone who was in my business this year"

"I will bring you down to Chinatown!"

"I Will" (Chicago motto)

"(I will gladly pay you Tuesday for) A hamburger today"

"I will never have a welcome mat at my house 'cause I ain't a liar"

"I will never understand some people’s fascination with their ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?"

"I will not be seen, until I have my caffeine"

"I will not wear it on my face. I will not wear it any place..." (anti-mask poem)

"I will not wear someone else's fear" (anti-facemask saying)

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level"

"I will take you down to Chinatown!"

"I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN"

"I wish 7 hours of sleep went as slow as 7 hours of school"

"I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work"

"I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work or school"

"I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible"

"I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

"I wish Dollar General sold gas"

"I wish Dollar Tree sold gas"

"I wish drinking green beer wasn't the closest you'll come to eating a vegetable"

"I wish everything was as easy as getting fat"

"I wish Family Dollar sold gas"

"I wish for a world without lawyers" (joke)

"I wish I could be the person I thought I could be when I bought all this produce"

"I wish I could do stand-up comedy, but I always punch up the fuckline"

"I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it's ready"

"I wish I could speak mandarin. Then I could talk to oranges"

"I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as skinny as when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as I actually was, back when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat"

"I wish I was as thin as my patience"

"I wish I was rich" (genie joke)

"I wish I was rich enough to eat out all the time like the homeless do"

"I wish I were as fat as the first time I thought I was fat"

"I wish it would rain -- not for me cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old"

"I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket"

"I wish my wallet came with free refills"

"I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills"

"I wish people randomly offered me weed as often as middle school health classes said they would"

"I wish people were as passionate about regulating their government..."

"I wish the bags under my eyes had money in them"

"I wish the coronavirus had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

"I wish the dollar store sold gas"

"I wish the dollar store would sell gas"

"I wish the government would just ban itself"

"I wish the liquor store had a rewards program"

"I wish there was a chess player named Richard. Everything he does would be a Dick move"

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence"

"I wish this Sunday coffee had another weekend in it"

"I wish travel therapy was covered by my health insurance"

"I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that's enough for one day"

"I woke up this morning and realized I don't have what it takes to sit back and be average"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up with a face full of rice. I must have fell asleep as my head hit the pilau"

"I won my first cage fight last night. That parrot didn't know what hit it"

"I won the school punctuation competition. They gave me a posh trophy"

"I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb"

"I wonder how many photographers have died after a big block of cheese fell on them" (joke)

"I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it"

"I wonder how much money I could save if I wasn't a fucking idiot"

"I wonder how much weight I’ve lost." -- Me, after eating one healthy meal

"I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands"

"I wonder if Mexicans ever say 'let's go to the White People's Restaurant'"

"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think 'I'd tap that'"

"I wonder if the Arachnophobia Hotline has a web site"

"I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site"

"I wonder if the guy who coined the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases"

"I wonder if the inventor of paper straws ever considered that they would be in prolonged contact with liquid"

"I wonder if the Mexicans ever say 'let's go to the niggas restaurant'"

"I wonder if there is a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too"

"I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work"

"I wonder what historians look forward to"

"I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days"

"I wonder what would happen if you put a small insect in some soft French cheese, briefly?"

"I wonder who farts in the packets of ham before sealing them up?"

"I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I realized that I am somebody"

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me"

"I wonder why there are no women transitioning to men so that they can compete in men's sports"

"I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food"

"I won't go to Macy's any more, more, more" (jump-rope jingle, 1938)

"I work as a living statue. It's a permanent position"

"I work as a waiter and, no, the pay isn’t great, but I put food on the table"

"I work hard all week to put coffee on the table"

"I work hard so my dog can have a better life"

"I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold"

"I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee so I can work. It's the circle of life"

"I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee to work. It's the circle of life"

"I work with animals (...) I'm a butcher"

"I worked as a programmer for autocorrect, but they fried me for no raisin"

"I worked in an office on a cul-de-sac. It was a dead end job"

"I worship the quicksand he walks on"

"I would buy an electric car, but they charge too much"

"I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener"

"I would definitely watch golf if land mines were involved"

"I would die for shopping. I'm a Walmartyr"

"I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza"

"I would get up early and jog in the morning, but I don't want to be the guy to find dead bodies"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient"

"I would like to suggest government-free zones"

"I would lose weight, but I hate losing"

"I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds"

"I would never hurt an animal. I'm more of a people person"

"I would never invade the United States. There would be a gun behind every blade of grass"

"I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person"

"I would never survive camping. I've already eaten all the snacks I packed for the day..."

"I would never try to poison you. Now eat your Pb and Jelly Sandwich"

"I would rather be covered in sweat at the gym than in clothes at the beach"

"I would rather be governed by the first hundred names in the telephone book"

"I would rather choke on greatness than nibble on mediocrity"

"I wouldn't say coffee solves all my problems, but it stops me from creating some new ones"

"I wouldn't say I'm a coffee addict. I prefer the term 'exceptionally caffeine absorbent'"

"I wouldn't start from here" (joke)

"I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter!"/"If I were, you wouldn't be in my district!"

"I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language"

"I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver"

"I write short fiction. They're 'to-do lists'"

"I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer songwriter"

"If you give a homeless person counterfeit money, they will go to prison and no longer be homeless"

I-95 Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

"Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. Thereisnospacebar"

Iatrogenic Government

"Ice Cream" (1995) ("Butter-Pecan Rican" lyric)

Ice Cream Cone

"Ice cream fixes everything. It's the duct tape of foods"

Ice Cream Fruit (cherimoya nickname)

"Ice cream is cheaper than therapy"

"Ice cream is duct tape for the heart"

"Ice cream is duct tape for the soul"

"Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal"

"Ice cream is just a boneless popsicle"

"Ice cream is like duct tape. It fixes everything"

Ice Cream Sandwich

Ice Cream Soda

"Ice cubes are just domesticated glaciers"

"Ice cubes are just domesticated ice"

"Ice cubes are just domesticated icebergs"

"Ice cubes are just water croutons"

"Ice cubes float around in pools of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float around in their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in pools of their own blood"

"Ice cubes float in their own blood"

"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept"

"Ice hockey is technically a water sport"

"Ice hockey players can walk on water"

ICE (Income, Credit and Equity)

"Ice is just a loaf of water"

"Ice is just water with bones"

"Ice pops are just boneless popsicles"

"Ice skating is just walking in cursive"

"Ice water is just water with pulp"

Iceberg Building (IAC Building in Chelsea)

"Iced coffee is cold dirty water"

"Iced coffee is literally cool beans"

"Iced coffee makes me a better person"

"Iced coffee must have been created by a mother who gave up on re-heating her coffee..."

"Iced coffee, on a hot day, can perform miracles"

"'Iced coffee' sounds cool but 'cold coffee' sounds gross"

Iced Tea

Iced Tea

"Icees are just boneless popsicles"

Icehouse (Ice House)

"Icing on the cake"

"Icing sugar is the glitter of baking ingredients"

Icing the Kicker (football strategy)

"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" (Warren Buffett)

"I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar..."

"I'd demand a recount" (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)

"I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk"

"I'd enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce"

"I'd go to a strip club, but it's always the same old thong and dance"

"I'd like to apologize to anyone I haven't yet offended. Please be patient"

"I'd like to apologize to anyone I've not yet offended. Please be patient"

"I'd like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles."/"Sorry, we only take cash or card."

"I'd like to buy Christmas stamps."/"What denomination?" (joke)

"I'd like to buy Hanukkah stamps."/"What denomination?" (joke)

"I'd like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs"

"I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom. No one questions you if you spend 45 minutes there"

"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass"

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary"

"I'd like to think I'm only mean to people who deserve it. Like a vigilante bitch. A bitchilante"

"I’d make a COVID joke, but it would be tasteless"

"I'd make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all"

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are" (poem)

I'd rather be a lamppost in New York than mayor anywhere else

"I'd rather be fishing"

"I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven"

"I'd rather be lucky than good"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of tequila than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

"I'd rather have a gun in my hand than a cop on the phone"

"I'd rather have a gun in the hand than a cop on the phone"

"I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies"

"I'd rather let someone see me naked than parallel park"

"I'd rather trust my neighbors with more freedom than trust my politicians with more power"

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I won't get a reaction"

"I'd tell you an economics joke, but there's not enough demand"

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day"

Idaho: Gem State (nickname)

Idaho: Idaho (state name etymology)

Idaho: Little Ida (nickname)

Idaho: Potato State (nickname)

Idaho Stop

"Ideas are bulletproof" ("You can kill a man, but you cannot kill an idea")

"Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun"

IDGAF (I Don't Give Away Food)

"IDGAF I Don't Give Away Frybread"

Idiocracy (idiot + bureaucracy)

"Idioms are not my cup of coffee"

"Idioms are not my cup of tea"

Idiot Board (a teleprompter)

Idiot-Maker Rally

Idiotarod (with shopping carts!)

"If 10% is enough for God, it's enough for the IRS"

"If 2020 was a bath bomb, it would be a fucking toaster"

"If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water"

"If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?"/"Colonoscopy prep."

"If 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, why can’t Thursday be the new Friday?"

"If a 100 yd dash champion weds a marathon runner, is it a mixed race marriage?"

"If a 747 can carry the space shuttle, then I call bullshit on overweight luggage fees"

"If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules"

"If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn't good"

"If a bug won’t bite it, why should you? Go Organic"

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign"

"If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, don't wave them like you just don't care"

"If a cowboy dies and comes back to life, is it called reintarnation?"

"If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which station would it work? A crust station."

"If a dreidel is on the news, wouldn't it be a top story?"

"If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you?"

"If a hotel offers bran muffins and prune juice, is that an incontinental breakfast?"

"If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?"/"Plastic explosives."

"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so"

"If a leader needs mandates to get people to comply with science..."

"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up"

"If a man can't curse his friends, whom can he curse?" (Sam Houston)

"If a man has a lock on his phone, has it on silent and always places it face down..."

"If a man is right, he cannot be too radical; if wrong, he cannot be too conservative"

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead"

"If a manager at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?"

"If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.--Alex. Hamilton"

"If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.-Thomas Jefferson"

"If a morgue worker dies they'd still need to come in to work one more time"

"If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"If a person has integrity, nothing else matters"

"If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist"

"If a play is working, keep running it" (sports adage)

"If a politician says you don’t need a gun, you need a gun"

"If a psychologist became a hip hop artist, does it make the music 'shrink rap'?"

"If a Shaolin monk had acne, would he have Chi zits?"

"If a single teacher can't teach all the subjects, how can a single student learn them all?"

"If a supervisor at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?"

"If a surfer gets eaten by a shark, is what they were surfing on a sharkcuterie board?"

"If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it. You’re getting a raw deal"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then ketchup is a jam"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then pizza sauce is a jam"

"If a tomato is a fruit, then tomato sauce is a jam"

"If a train station is where a train stops, then what's a workstation?" (joke)

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success"

"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?"

"If a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her"

"If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping?"

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?"

"If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too" (theatre adage)

"If advertisers were smart, they’d make a silent, slow-motion commercial"

"If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do"

"If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel's is a wheelchair"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid enthusiasm"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid optimism"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid productivity"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, then coffee must be liquid motivation"

"If all economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion"

"If all is not lost, where is it?"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be Sunday afternoon"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Fourth of July"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Labor Day weekend"

"If all the countries in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?"

"If all the Texas steers were one steer, he would have his front feet in the Gulf of Mexico..."

"If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free..."

"If all you ever do is all you've ever done, then all you'll get is all you ever got"

"If all your troubles are behind you, you must be a school bus driver"

"If America had a slogan, it’d be 'Don’t bother me, I’m eating'"

"If American websites use cookies, do British websites use biscuits?"

"If an argument lasts more than five minutes, both sides are wrong"

"If an avocado is a fruit, is guacamole a smoothie?"

"If an ice cream van breaks down, do they have to put out cones?"

"If an illegal immigrant and a child molester get into a fight, is it Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an illegal immigrant gets into a ?ght with a sex offender, is that Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile, would that make it Alien vs. Predator?"

"If an onion rings, answer it"

"If any non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a pretty good brownie recipe"

"If anybody needs copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues"

"If anybody wants a list of all famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc"

"If anyone ever tries to sell you a transparent car wheel, steer clear"

"If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know"

"If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything please let me know"

"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I'm a size window seat in plane tickets"

"If anyone is shopping for me, I'm a size window seat in plane tickets"

"If anyone needs copies of Osteopath Monthly, I have back issues"

"If anyone tells you your dreams are silly, there's a millionaire who invented the pool noodle"

"If anyone wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness"

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" (joke)

"If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every girl born between January and December evil"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every man born between January and December evil"

"If astrology isn’t real, then why is every woman born between January and December evil"

"If at first you don't succeed, call dad"

"If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"

"If at first you don’t succeed, drink whiskey. You’ll be amazed how little you care"

"If at first you don't succeed, drink whisky. You'll be amazed at how much less you care"

"If at first you don't succeed, pay someone else to do it for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, try left field" (baseball joke)

"If at first you don't succeed, try management"

"If at first you don't succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant"

"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common"

"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average"

"If at first you donut succeed, fry, fry again"

"If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?"/"Tic Tac toe."

"If authoritarianism is on your side today, trust me, it won't be tomorrow. #history"

"If avocados and tomatoes are fruits, then guacamole is fruit salad"

"If bacon doesn't solve the problem, then more bacon must be added"

"If baklava is still in the oven, it's called bakmagma"

"If beer is liquid courage, then coffee must be liquid motivation"

"If booze is liquid courage, then coffee is liquid initiative"

"If bread goes bad, we throw it away, If bananas go bad, we make bread out of them"

"If by 'crunches' you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes, I do crunches"

"If by "crunches" you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches”

"If by 'crunches' you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes I do crunches”

"If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits"

"If by living the American dream you mean paycheck to paycheck then yes I am"

"If cannibals start starving, they can always make themselves a snack"

"If cars had an 'I'm sorry' horn, there would probably be a lot less road rage"

"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't"

"If caught sleeping, slowly raise your head from your desk and say, 'In Jesus' name, Amen'"

"If cauliflower can somehow become pizza...then you, my friend, can do anything"

"If cheerleading were any easier, it would be called football"

"If chess turns you on, it's pawnography"

"If coffee can't fix it, it's a serious problem"

"If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?"/"Pot."

"If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock"

"If .com websites use cookies, should .co.uk sites use biscuits?"

"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in"

"If confusion is the beginning of wisdom, I am totally on the right track"

"If Congress has the right under the Constitution to issue paper money ..."

"If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?"/"Palm Sunday."

"If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?"

"If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?"

"If defensive backs could catch, they would be wide receivers" (football adage)

"If Drinks Could Talk: Coffee - You can do this! Wine - You don't have to do this!"

"If driven carefully, please report stolen" (bumper sticker)

"If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?"

"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre"

"If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays"

"If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn't every country a third world country?"

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas"

"If even the inspector says 'Pass' on a restaurant, why should I try it?"

"If every day is a gift, then today was socks"

"If every offensive series ends with a kick, that's not all bad" (football adage)

"If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs"

"If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking"

"If everyone goes cashless, how do we tip strippers?"

"If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left"

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon"

"If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?"/"Medicine."

"If figure skating was easy, it would be called hockey"

"If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but my wife"

"If found drunk or unconscious, please return to anyone but wife"

"If found drunk, please return to wife"

"If found, please return to pub"

"If found, please return to the pub"

"If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to slaughter"

"If Friday had a face, I would kiss it"

"If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?"/"A poul-tree."

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them"

"If gay marriage is wrong, then why did we have four fathers?"

"If genitals don't define gender, how does removing them affirm it?"

"If Gladstone should fall into the Thames, that would be a misfortune..." (political joke)

"If God didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented steak sauce"

"If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"

"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains"

"If God isn't a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?"

"If God wanted us to bend over, He'd have put diamonds on the floor"

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets"

"If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights"

"If government can't fix potholes, how can it fix the planet?"

"If government is the answer, it was a stupid question"

"If graduation can't be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart"

"If avocado is a fruit, is guacamole jam?"

"If guns cause crime, do cameras cause child porn?"

"If guns cause crime, then cameras cause pornography"

"If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson"

"If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?"

"If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?"

"If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat"

"If gymnastics were easy, it would be called football"

"If H2O is hot water, then CO2 is cold water and CH2O is sea water"

"If Halloween’s her favorite holiday, she’s probably mentally unstable"

"If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies VERY quietly"

"If heat rises, why is the North Pole so cold?"

"If heaven had a flavor, it would be coffee"

"If heaven had a flavour, it would be coffee"

"If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross"

"If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical" (Larry Gelbart)

"If homework is to read something, there is no homework"

"If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only, would they have to change their name to Knockers?"

"If I agree, it's free speech. If I disagree, it's hate speech"

"If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?" (riddle)

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life"

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies"

"If I blocked you on social media and you see me in these streets, the block still applies"

"If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death"

"If I can hear you chew, I've fantasized about your death"

If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere

"If I could cure cancer, you'd say that I put doctors out of work" (bad press)

"If I could cure cancer, you'd say that I put doctors out of work" (bad press)

"If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive"

"If I could sell just one..." ("$30,000 pencil" sales joke)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I die after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch till da 30th"

"If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services"

"If I die right after I pay my rent, sit me on my couch 'til the 31st"

"If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911"

"If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work"

"If I donate my urine, is that an act of philanthropee?"

"If I don't find a pot of gold today, I'll settle for a pot of coffee"

"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?"

"If I eat a Dum Dum and a roll of Smarties, will they cancel each other out?"

"If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria -- powerhouse of the cell"

"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die"

"If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican's heart -- it's never been used" (joke)

"If I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor. I will move to a rich neighborhood"

"If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me"

"If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity. Then I’ll have $999,999.75"

"If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive"

"If I had a DeLorean, I'd probably only drive it from time to time"

"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had...does money even matter?"

"If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits"

"If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why"

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you"

"If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0..."

"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse..."

"If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I'd have a pun per nickel" (pumpernickel joke)

"If I had a penny for every time I said 'diet starts tomorrow,' I'd afford lipo"

"If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem"

"If I had any self-control, I'd probably eat that, too"

"If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon"

"If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four of them sharpening my axe"

"If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham"

"If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some bread"

"If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs -- if I had some eggs"

"If I had super powers, I would only use them for baked goods and never for baked evils"

"If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I'd choose my gun..."

"If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, 'Not very good at maths'"

"If I had to stir it, it's homemade"

"If I have to stir it, it's homemade"

"If I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task, maybe I'd accomplish more"

"If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?"

"If I knew how to back flip that'd be my response to everything"

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake"

"If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that's known as a squid pro quo"

"If I only wanted one drink, I'd go for communion" (bar sign)

"If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called 'The Usual' so everyone would feel special"

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" (Philip Sheridan)

"If I pass out, please note my time"

"If I played there, they'd name a candy bar after me" (Reggie!)

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore corruption in the government"

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption"

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government"

"If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel"

"If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?"

"If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?

"If I read one more corny Ides of March joke, I'm going to stab my best friend"

"If I say goodnight & an hour later you see me online, it's not that I lied it's just that I failed"

"If I say 'I could eat,' we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person"

"If I say 'I’m hungry,' we got about 27 minutes until I’m a different person"

"If I sit in rice, will it fix me?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I stirred it, it's homemade"

"If I stop my car so can walk across the street, I'd better see some hustle out of you. Knees to chest!"

"If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing"

"If I want to see clowns at the Garden, I'll just go to a Knicks game"

"If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog"

"If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd fuck a Senator"

"If I wanted to bag my own groceries, I would have pursued a career in the Grocery Arts"

"If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos"

"If I were a judge, I'd change my surname to Mental"

"If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets..." (joke)

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas"

"If I'm not home accepting what I can't change, I'm probably out changing what I can't accept"

"If in doubt, do half" (investment adage)

"If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results -- then what is voting?"

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

"If it ain't burnt, momma didn't cook it"

"If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage" (theatre adage)

"If it ain't raining, it ain't training" ("If it ain't raining, we ain't training")

"If it bleeds, it leads"

"If it burns, it earns"

"If it burns, you're getting closer" (fitness adage)

"If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't"

"If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body"

"If it can't be found in Dallas, it can't be found anywhere in the world"

"If it doesn't apply, let it fly" ("If it don't apply, let it fly")

"If it doesn't bring you income, inspiration or orgasms, it doesn't belong in your life"

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you"

"If it doesn't look good, don't put it on your front porch"

"If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense"

"If it doesn't open, it's not your door"

"If it doesn't say 'Texas,' it's not Texas Roadhouse" (restaurant slogan)

"If it don't apply, let it fly" ("If it doesn't apply, let it fly")

"If it fits in a toaster, I can cook it!"

"If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it"

"If it gets any hotter, I'll have to take off stuff I really ought to keep on"

"If it goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook" (golf saying)

"If it grows, it will stick you; If it crawls, it will bite you"

"If it grows like a weed, it probably is one" (financial proverb)

"If it grows together, it goes together" (food and wine adage)

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it"

"If it involves fireworks, summer nights, barbecues, beer, and freedom, count me in"

"If it is to be, it is up to me"

"If it looks good, it flies good" (aviation adage)

"If it looks like a beer, and tastes like a beer, it must be a beer"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck... Fact checkers say it's a squirrel"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck"

"If it looks like a taco and smells like a fish..." (Fuzzy's Taco Shop in Fort Worth)

"If it looks like piss, smells like piss and tastes like piss -- then it must be Budweiser"

"If it makes dollars, it makes sense" (boxing adage)

"If it moves, it's biology; If it smells, it's chemistry; If it doesn't work, it's physics"

"If it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does" (soccer adage)

"If it moves, tax it"

"If it succeeds, it leads"

"If it swims, serve Fino; if it flies, serve Amontillado; if it runs, serve Oloroso"

"If it tastes good, spit it out" (diet advice)

"If it wasn't for Edison, we'd be watching television by candlelight"

"If it were a real $20 bill, someone would have picked it off the sidewalk already" (economics joke)

"If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for court dates, I wouldn't be dating at all"

"If it weren't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done"

"If it worked and was safe, you wouldn’t need to mandate, force, deceive or threaten..."

"If it's brown, it's down" (hunting adage)

"If it's far away, it's news. If it's close at home, it's sociology"

"If it's flooded, forget it" (driving on flooded streets)

"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling"

"If it's free, it's for me"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way: if not, you'll find an excuse"

"If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it" (said of Texas weather)

"If it's low, let it go; if it's high, let if fly" (hitting a knuckleball)

"If it's not Boeing, I'm not going"

"If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask 'What did you do?'"

"If it's not voluntary, it's tyranny"

"If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong"

"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid"

"If it’s the elbow, call the surgeon. If it’s the shoulder, call the preacher" (baseball adage)

"If it's too loud, you're too old" (music adage)

"If judging others is a sin, is Santa going to hell?"

"If Kentucky ever gets a soccer team, they should obviously be Kentucky FC"

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard"

"If knives and forks are cutlery, spoons are scooplery"

"If Korean pop is KPop, is Chinese rap Crap?

"If Korean Pop is Kpop and Chinese Rap is Crap, then French Art is Fart"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come 4th, so I didn't have to walk up to the podium"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in 4th so that I wouldn't need to walk up..."

"If laziness was on the Olympic games, I would rank 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners'..."

"If liars' pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun"

"If liberalism worked, you'd still be in California"

"If life gives you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic"

"If life gives you onions, make onionade"

"If life hands you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life hands you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys/salsa/tomato sauce"

"If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling"

"If life isn't smiling at you, tickle it"

"If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come a car behind me honks before the green?"

"If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?"/"The conductor."

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" (Valentine's Day joke)

"If Lunchables exist, why don't Breakfastables and Dinnerables?"

"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

"If Manwich changed their recipe, would it be called Tranwich?"

"If maple syrup is tree blood, can vegans and vegetarians eat it?"

"If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the Lamb of God..." (joke)

"If mashed apples are applesauce, why aren't mashed potatoes called potatosauce?"

"If mashed apples is apple sauce, then mashed potatoes is potato sauce"

"If the mayo can go bad, it will go bad. Murphy's Slaw"

"If medicine worked, you wouldn't need to refill your prescription"

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas again"

"If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry fucking Christmas"

"If Monday had a face, I would punch it"

"If Monday were shoes, they'd be Crocs"

"If Mondays were shoes, they'd be Crocs"

"If money can fix a problem, then it really isn't a problem"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain motorcycles and beer"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain pizza"

"If money can't buy happiness, then why do I have to pay for my coffee?"

"If money can't buy love, then why do dating sites charge?"

"If money can't buy you love, then why do dating websites charge?"

"If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?"

"If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money talks, then mine must have a speech impediment"

"If money talks, they why do we need bank tellers?"

"If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question"

"If Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head are no longer male and female, does this mean no more tater tots?"

"If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere"

"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here, either"

"If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on, too"

"If my last name was Pepper, you can bet your ass I'd have gone to medical school"

"If NASA really wants to find water on Mars, they should just send me there to hit a golf ball"

"If nature didn't make it, don't take it"

"If nominated I will not accept, and if elected I will not serve"

"If not us, who? If not now, when?"

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?"

"If number two pencils are so popular, why are they still number two?"

"If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison"

"If one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted"

"If one teacher can't teach every subject, why does one student have to learn them all?"

"If only closed minds came with closed mouths"

"If only vegetables smelt as good as bacon"

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door"

"If oranges could talk, what language would they speak?"/"Mandarin."

"If overthinking situations burned calories, I'd be dead"

"If past history is all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians"

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad..."

"If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?"

"If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart"

"If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them"

"If people aren't laughing at your dreams, your dreams aren't big enough"

"If people cannot be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern other people?"

"If people can't be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern others?"

"If people concentrated on the really important things, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles"

"If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit 'end call,' we would have no friends"

"If people don't appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone"

"If people make you sick, then maybe you should cook them longer"

"If people were influenced by video games, the majority of Facebook users would be farmers by now"

"If pessimism were an Olympic sport, I would still not win it"

"If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste"

"If 'Plan A' doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters"

"If police are really here to protect us, the entire government would be in prison"

"If the police were here to protect us, the entire government would be arrested"

"If printing money would end poverty, printing diplomas would end stupidity"

"If prisoners took their own mug shots, they would be called 'cellfies'"

"If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?”

"If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution"

"If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one"

"If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"If regular guns are firearms, squirt guns should be called waterarms"

"If roosters can start the day by screaming then damn it, so can I"

"If roosters can start their day by screaming, then so can I"

"If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall" (Santa Claus Rally)

"If 'sat' is the past tense of the word 'sit', then the past tense of 'fit' should be 'fat'"

"If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study"

"If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine..."

"If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines"

"If service is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If service is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If sex for money makes you a hoe, does sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization?"

"If sex is great exercise, then why are there still fat sluts?"

"If 'shat' is the past tense of 'shit', then 'fat' must be the past tense of 'fit'"

"If sheep could vote, they'd pick the guy who feeds them"

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian"

"If sleep is so important, then why does school start so early?"

"If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?"

"If snow is made of water and water has no calories, how come snowmen are fat?"

"If socialist college professors believed their own propaganda, wouldn't they teach for free?"

"If someone has a pasta fetish, do they call it fetishinni?"

"If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?"

"If someone says that they are short staffed at work, does that mean only midgets work there?"

"If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, stop talking to them"

"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them -- with the flower pot"

"If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away"

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop" (Stein's Law)

"If something here offends you, please let us know. We can all use a good laugh"

"If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is"

"If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow, imagine what speaking kindly to humans can do"

"If statists can't even fix potholes effectively, how can they promise to fix an entire planet?"

"If steak were a religion, this would be its cathedral" (Smith & Wollensky)

"If stealing 100% of the product of someone's labor is slavery, at what percentage is it not?"

"If steroids aren't allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty pageants?"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If studying history always makes you feel proud and happy, you probably aren’t studying history"

"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"

"If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales"

"If Target had a bar, I'd probably never leave"

"If Target had a bar, my life would be perfect"

"If taxation wasn’t theft, IRS agents wouldn’t need guns"

"If taxes weren't theft, the IRS wouldn't need guns"

"If tea leaves, does coffee have grounds for divorce?"

"If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear"

"If Texas saw many, many more tornadoes, it would be called "Vortexas'"

"If that were true it would be on the news"

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency..."

"If the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending"

"If the broom fits, fly it"

"If the climate were a bank, it would have been saved by now"

"If the cops have no duty to protect you, then the only point of their existence is..."

"If the coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If the customers catch a cold, the manufacturers catch pneumonia"

"If the devil can distract you, he can destroy you"

"If the earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?"

"If the enemy can't destroy you, he'll distract you"

"If the enemy can't destroy you, he'll try and distract you"

"If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?"

"If the front of your shirt isn't wet, did you ever really wash the dishes?"

"If the fully vaccinated can get it and spread it, why aren’t they losing their jobs too?"

"If the 'germ theory of disease' were correct, there would be nobody alive to believe it"

"If the 'germ theory of disease' were correct, there'd be no one living to believe it"

"If the germ theory were true, no one would be alive to believe it"

"If the germ theory were true, nobody would be alive to believe it"

"If the good Lord's willin' (and the creeks don't rise)"

"If the government cannot protect the vote, the border or its citizens, then why do we have one?"

"If the government has enough money to send to foreign countries..."

"If the government was created to protect our liberties, why do we have to fight...?"

"If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher"

"If the grocery store has a section for health food, then what is the rest of the store?"

"If the internet had a boat, where would they park it?"/"Google Docs."

"If the menu doesn't have dollar signs by the prices, it's too expensive"

"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd have issued you one"

"If the news is fake, imagine how bad history is"

"If the ocean was whiskey and i was a duck..."

"If the only job you can get is to teach the same subject you graduated at, it's a pyramid scheme"

"If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then that law only exists for the lower class"

"If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then the law only exists if you are poor"

"If the people lead, the leaders will follow"

"If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan, but never the goal"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the recipe sucks, it doesn't matter how good a cook you are"

"If the safety's on, you're good as gone"

"If the Second Amendment only applies to muskets, does the First only apply to printing presses?"

"If the situation were truly hopeless, their propaganda would be truly unnecessary"

"If the sweat ain't flying, you ain't trying"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the tinfoil hat crowd secretly runs everything, would that make them the Aluminati?"

"If the troops defended freedom, they'd attack the government"

"If the troops defended freedom, they'd fight back against the government"

"If the truth makes you uncomfortable, don’t blame the truth. Blame the lie..."

"If the truth offends you, it's most likely because you are deceived"

"If the truth offends you, it's mostly likely that you are deceived"

"If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili will be good"

"If the wheels aren't turning, you're not earning" (trucking adage)

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fly into space"

"If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?"

"If (...) then the terrorists win"

"If there are jelly beans, why aren’t there peanut butter beans?"

"If there is a government shutdown who will spy on me, waste my money and have contempt for me?"

"If there is a 'health food' section in a grocery store, what does that make the rest of the food?"

"If there is a question in a headline, the answer is always no" (journalism adage)

"If there is a risk, there must be a choice"

"If there is coconut milk, there is coconut cheese"

"If there is risk, there must be choice"

"If there's a bar where everybody knows your name, you're probably an alcoholic"

"If there’s a vegetable emergency, Kale 911"

"If there's a vegetable emergency, Kale 999"

"If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public"

"If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it is a dartboard on the ceiling"

"If there's watermelon, shouldn't there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon? The elemelons"

"If these walls could talk"

"If they act like they can live without you, help them do it"

"If they can make penicillin from moldy bread, you can become something"

"If they can't kill you, they will try and kill your credibility"

"If they come for your guns, give ‘em your bullets first"

"If they come for your guns, give them the bullets first"

"If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking"

"If they don't have alcohol at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they don't have liquor at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they don't have party favors & alcohol at my funeral, I'm not going"

"If they had just called it 'the stay at home challenge' and posted it on social media..."

"If they liked it once, they'll love it twice" (Broadway adage)

"If they really hated us for our freedom, shouldn't it just be a mild dislike by now?"

"If they said on the news we’re running out of air some idiots would be outside with plastic bags"

"If they tell you to bring ice, you can't cook"

"If they tell you to just bring cups, plates and ice for Thanksgiving, your cooking sucks"

"If they told you to bring ice, you can't cook"

"If they’re not serving beer at my funeral, I’m not going"

"If thieves wear sneakers and artists wear sketchers, do linguists wear converse?"

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee"

"If this nameplate isn't on the back of your car, you probably paid too much" (Potamkin car dealers)

"If this weather gets any more bipolar I’m going to try to date it"

"If this weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans"

"If time heals all wounds, what happens when you get hit in the head with a clock?"

"If time is money, then an ATM is A Time Machine"

"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?"

"If tuna is chicken of the sea, does that make chicken tuna of the land?"

"If two people are in love nothing is impossible, except deciding where to eat"

"If two vegans have a fight, is it still considered a beef?"

"If two vegans have an argument, is it still called a beef? Or is it a quornfrontation?"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"/"An airplane."

"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy"

"If Valentine's Day is a day for lovers, what day is special for singles?"/"Palm Sunday."

"If vegetables are so good, why do vegans always try to make them taste like meat?"

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

"If wars can be started by lies, then peace can be started by truth"

"If we all just stay home for 2 weeks, we could flatten the gas shortage curve"

"If we all just switched to cursive and stick shift cars, we could cripple a generation"

"If we all stay inside a bit longer, then maybe we can starve mosquitos to extinction"

"If we are to live together, we have to talk"

"If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"

"If we become less white who's gonna play that funky music?"

"If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to..."

"If we can't be equally rich, we can at least be equally poor"

"If we can't trust people with freedom, how can we trust them with power?"

"If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part"

"If we divide 123 genders by white supremacy, how much climate change do we have?"

"If we don't have it, you don't need it" (store sign)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we go to prison for downloading music, I hope they separate us by genre"

"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs"

"If we lie to Congress, it’s a felony and if Congress lies to us it’s just politics"

"If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped drugs"

"If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"

"If we start calling it 'potato juice', vodka becomes a health drink, RIGHT??"

"If we were really wrong about them, they wouldn't need to censor us"

"If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane"

"If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?"

"If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?"

"If winning isn't important, why keep score?"

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars..."

"If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"

"If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team"

"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves"

"If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em"

"If you abbreviate in sign language, is it called short hand?"

"If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough"

"If you are a supervisor at a soup kitchen, does that make you a soupervisor?"

"If you are afraid to speak out against tyranny, you are already a slave"

"If you are going to tell a lie, tell a big one" (the big lie)

"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country"

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance"

"If you are heathy, they lose money"

"If you are more fortunate than others, it’s better to build a longer table than a taller fence"

"If you are not coffee, chocolate, or bacon, I'm going to need you to go away"

"If you are not willing to challenge your own beliefs, then you are your own most effective prison"

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you..."

"If you are still confused about gender, try milking a bull. That might kick start your thinking"

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, how many mushrooms do I have to eat to be a fun guy?"

"If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies are humans"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies should be a lot smarter"

"If you are willing to abandon your principles for convenience, or social acceptability..."

"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm"

"If you aren't making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough"

"If you ask if I've had coffee and I say 'no', just assume this conversation is over"

"If you ask me if I've had my coffee yet, and I say 'no'..."

"If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"

"If you ate today, thank a farmer"

"If you attack the establishment long enough, they make you a member"

"If you behaved like your government, you'd be arrested"

"If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you're an eighth theist"

"If you blow on your wine while on zoom people will think your coffee is hot"

"If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s very humerus"

"If you borrow a bottle of wine, are you drinking a loan?"

"If you bought it, a truck brought it"

"If you break both of your legs, don't come running to me"

"If you break it, you bought it" (Pottery Barn rule)

"If you breakdance, you boughtdance"

"If you breakdance you buy dance"

"If you bump your head on a coffee maker, does it leave a brews?"

"If you burn your baked goods, do they become baked bads?"

"If you buy smartwater for $4 a bottle, it's not working"

"If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer"

"If you can be anything, be caffeinated"

"If you can breathe, you can do yoga"

"If you can count your money, then go back to work"

"If you can count your money, work harder"

"If you can drink a drink, then why can't you food a food?"

"If you can hit, you can play" (baseball adage)

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it"

"If you can question it, it’s science. If you can’t question it, it’s propaganda"

"If you can read the New York Times without moving your lips, you're a communist"

"If you can read this, I'm faster than you"

"If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read" (bumper sticker)

"If you can read this, I'm not going fast enough"

"If you can read this, I’m not last!" (runner's T-shirt)

"If you can read this, thank a teacher...and ef yoo kan rid ths yoo prebli ar a teecha"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher; If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier"

"If you can read, you can cook"

"If you can remember Woodstock, you probably weren't there"

"If you can see through the illusion, then you are part of the solution"

"If you can see through the illusion, then you are the solution"

"If you can see through the illusion, you are part of the solution"

"If you can sell. you'll never be unemployed"

"If you can shoot, you can play" (basketball adage)

"If you can 'smell' rain, you country AF"

"If you can 'smell' rain, you country as hell"

"If you can 'smell the rain,' you country as hell"

"If you can smell their fart, you're not far enough apart" (social distancing)

"If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame"

"If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record"

"If you can talk, you can sing" (music adage)

"If you can tell the difference between work and play, you aren't doing one of them right"

"If you can walk, you can dance" (dance adage)

"If you can walk, you can snowshoe"

"If you cannot do great things. do small things in a great way" ("Small things with great love")

"If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door. He’s standing right behind you"

"If you cannot question it, it’s not science. It’s propaganda"

"If you can't afford a Dodge, dodge a Ford"

"If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter"

"If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk"

"If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em up" (hockey adage)

"If you can't bill it, kill it" ("If you can't bill it, it's a hobby")

"If you can't change your mind, then you're not using it"

"If you can't change your mind, you're not using it"

"If you can't convince them, confuse them"

"If you can't dance, don't blame the dance floor"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets"

"If you can’t drink for three, please leave your place for the professionals" (bar sign)

"If you can't drive to it, don't lend to it"

"If you can't find it on Fifth Avenue, it probably isn't worth finding"

"If you can't find the key to success, pick the lock"

"If you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine"

"If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini, it ain’t worth fixing"

"If you can't get to a good pitcher early, you might not get him" (baseball adage)

"If you can't handle me when I'm broke, then you don't deserve me when I have 60 bucks"

"If you can't handle me when I'm broke, then you don't deserve me when I have $600"

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him"

"If you can't innovate, litigate"

"If you can't make both ends meet, make one end a vegetable"

"If you can't open their minds, open their heads"

"If you can't pay cash, you can't afford it"

"If you can't pronounce it, don't buy it" (food labels and purchases)

"If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it"

"If you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look"

"If you can't say anything nice, you haven't had enough coffee"

"If you can't say anything nice, you obviously haven't had your coffee yet"

"If you can't say something nice, become a reporter"

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

"If you can't see water, don't order fish"

"If you can't sell what you want, you sell what you can"

"If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of them"

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"

"If you can't stand watching it be produced, you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can't stand watching it being produced. you shouldn't be eating it"

"If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"If you can’t tell by now that society is being programmed, you’ve been perfectly programmed"

"If you can't trust people to govern themselves, how can you trust them to govern others?"

"If you can't trust people with freedom, how can you trust people with power?"

"If you are color blind, Twister is a mother fucking free for all"

"If you carve a pumpkin in September, it’s called premature ejackolantern"

"If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you chum, they will come" (fishing adage)

"If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner"

"If you could beat me, I would know you" (chess saying)

"If you could just rehydrate those raisins, that would be grapes"

"If you could reason with a Democrat, there would be no Democrats"

"If you could reason with a Democrat, there wouldn't be any Democrats"

"If you could reason with Democrats, there would be no Democrats"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM machine, you officially don't trust a thing"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM machine, you officially don't trust anything"

"If you count your money when it comes out of the ATM, you have trust issues"

"If you crush up garlic, does it create an allicin wonderland?"

"If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds"

"If you cut Alaska in half, Texas is the third largest state"

"If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?"

"If you cut off my reproductive rights, can I cut off yours?"

"If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404, so basically this entire year is an error message"

"If you do pass the McKinley bill, we shall have to come over to your country and thrash you"

"If you don't believe in random sampling, go to the doctor for a blood test, have him take it all"

"If you don’t drink liquor for breakfast on vacation, please don’t invite me"

"If you don't fight for what you want, don't cry for what you lose"

"If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours"

"If you don’t have a boob job, you should be able to collect boob unemployment"

"If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete"

"If you don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't be sad"

"If you don't have an oil well, get one!" (Eddie Chiles of Western Company)

"If you don’t hear an offensive lineman’s named called, he is doing a good job" (football adage)

"If you don't hit the reader between the eyes in your first sentence, there's no need to write more"

"If you don't hold it, you don't own it"

"If you don't know coins, know your dealer" (coin collecting adage)

"If you don't know jewelry, know your jeweler"

"If you don't know that Americans are being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don't know that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don’t know they control both the narrative and the counter narrative, you are not awake"

"If you don't know what 'prefix' means, don't worry -- it's not the end of the word"

"If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out"

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly" (gymnastics saying)

"If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor"

"If you don't like corporations, you should really hate government"

"If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people (for having gay babies)"

"If you don't like gay marriage, don't get one"

"If you don't like my Brooklyn attitude, quit talking to me"

"If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird" (Pluckers)

"If you don’t like something I post, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption"

"If you don’t like tacos, I’m nacho type"

"If you don't like the mafia, why don't you join it and change it from the inside?"

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own"

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!"

"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes" (weather saying)

"If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!"

"If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

"If you don't pile your cabbage correctly, heads will roll"

"If you don't program your mind, it will be programmed for you"

"If you don't program your mind, your mind will be programmed"

"If you don’t read a newspaper, you’re uninformed; if you do read one, you’re misinformed"

"If you don't realize that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you don't smell it, we ain't got it" (delicatessen sign)

"If you don't stop lying about me, I'll start telling the truth about you"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a BBC reporter"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a CNN reporter"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a fact checker for Facebook"

"If you don't stop lying, you'll grow up to be a news reporter"

"If you don’t swear while driving, then you’re not paying much attention to the road at all"

"If you don't take care of your customers, someone else will"

"If you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do"

"If you don't think people are under mind control, just look at how they treat anyone who thinks freely..."

"If you don't think that Humanity is under mind control, just look at how they treat and react towards anyone..."

"If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car..."

"If you don't vote, don't complain"

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt"

"If you drink hot chocolate with a spoon, it's like chocolate soup"

"If you drink hot cocoa with a spoon, it becomes chocolate soup"

"If you drink like a fish, swim -- don't drive"

"If you drink vodka & orange juice from the skull of a guy named Phil -- Philip's head screwdriver"

"If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?"/"U r a bus."

"If you eat an entire cake without cutting it, you technically only had one piece"

"If you eat cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking"

"If you eat candy corn, I'm just gonna assume you eat crayons and bite candles"

"If you eat candy corn, I'm just gonna assume you eat crayons and candles as well"

"If you eat cookies fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're running"

"If you eat donuts fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're jogging"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat falafel with hummus, you are dipping fried chick peas into blended chick peas"

"If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed"

"If you eat it, you wear it"

"If you eat Lunchables for breakfast, does that make them Breakfastables?"

"If you eat manicotti with your feet, do they become pedicotti?"

"If you eat Nerds and then AirHeads, do they cancel each other out?"

"If you eat some weed, your taste buds taste buds"

"If you eat tacos fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking"

"If you eat today, thank a farmer. If it's on your table, thank a trucker"

"If you eat today, thank a farmer. If you eat in peace, thank a veteran"

"If you eat too many Little Debbie cakes, you'll become a Big Deborah"

"If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?"/"November thirst."

"If you eat too much chorizo you'll end up chorizontal"

"If you eat too much prison chili, you might lose your right to remain silent"

"If you educate a woman, you educate a nation"

"If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize"

"If you forget the rules of chess, don't worry... you're allowed to check"

"If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because communication is key"

"If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship"

"If you ever hear me order decaf coffee, I've been kidnapped and I'm trying to signal you"

"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics"

"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics"

"If you ever start to feel too confident, just get out of a bean bag chair in front of people"

"If you ever want to quit drinking, eat Twizzlers. They’re not alcohol, but they’re liquorish"

"If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don't, you might get atrophy"

"If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon"

"If you fear change, leave it here" (tip jar sign)

"If you feel the need to point out that I look tired, the least you could do is buy me a coffee"

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck"

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you've done something wrong"

"If you follow your heart just right, it will get you to New York City"

"If you forgot the wine, go home"

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you fuck up a meal, just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway"

"If you get a loan at a bank, you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years"

"If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don't put it on Instagram, did it really happen?"

"If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you get heartburn eating birthday cake, try taking the candles off"

"If you get lost in the woods, find a possum and follow it. You’ll be in the middle of the road"

"If you get sick in an airport, it might be terminal illness"

"If you give a weed an inch, it will take a yard"

"If you go far enough to the political left or right you end up in the same place"

"If you Google something and can't find it, there's a 90% chance it doesn't exist"

"If you had fun, you won" (non-competitive sports)

"If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny..."

"If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut"

"If you hate waking up on Mondays, change your job"

"If you have a donut in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face or shake hands"

"If you have a message, call Western Union" (theatre adage)

"If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you"

"If you have a wedding in Paris, does the best man give a French toast?"

"If you have coffee with it, it counts as breakfast"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have no business in New York, you have no business being in New York"

"If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever"

"If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends"

"If you have to ask, then you probably can't afford it" (J. P. Morgan?)

"If you have to pay a fee to keep your property, you don’t own it"

"If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP"

"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't"

"If you haven't been fired at least once, you haven't worked in radio"

"If you haven't realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down, then..."

"If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance"

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it"

"If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling"

"If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone"

"If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab"

"If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you hold a glass of wine to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you hold a Margarita glass to your ear, you can hear the weekend"

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?"

"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will believe that it is stupid"

"If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove. Your lawyer will thank you"

"If you keep a beer in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a drink in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a sword in one hand and the decapitated head of an enemy in the other..."

"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up"

"If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans" (1976)

"If you know how to cheat, start now"

"If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster"

"If you leave an alcoholic drink for Santa this year, it must be accompanied by a substantial meal"

"If you leave your children a world where you never stood up, they’ll get one where they can’t"

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it"

"If you let a grilled cheese get cold, it becomes chilled grease"

"If you let the government break the law because of an 'emergency'..."

"If you let politicians break the law in an emergency, they will create an emergency..."

"If you let social media get to you, I can imagine what real life be doing to your ass"

"If you let social media get to you, I can only imagine what real life does to you"

"If you let them use you as a lab rat, don't be surprised when they put you in a cage"

"If you like pinochle otters..." (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

"If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine"

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right"

"If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee"

"If you live in New York, you're Jewish" (Lenny Bruce)

"If you look down, you will fall. If you look up, you will fly"

"If you look good, you play good" (sports adage)

"If you look like your passport photo, you need the trip"

"If you lose a garden gnome, are you gnomeless?"

"If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with tacos, it was meant to be"

"If you make 10,000 regulations you destroy all respect for the law"

"If you make a salad dressing but don’t like it, you have vineregret"

"If you make home fries whilst not at home, are they away fries?"

"If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas"

"If you miss the ball, don't miss the leg" (soccer adage)

"If you mix butter and flour, you'll roux the day"

"If you mix garlic with a hallucinogenic, you'd get an Allicin Wonderland"

"If you mix sodium, carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and sulfur together, what do you get? NaCHOS!"

"If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs..."

"If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first"

"If you need a vaccine passport to 'return to normal,' you’re not returning to normal"

"If you need two yards, he'll get you two yards..." (running back joke)

"If you need violence to enforce your ideas, your ideas are worthless"

"If you need violence to protect your ideas, your ideas are worthless to begin with"

"If you needed a reason to unfriend me, I like pineapple on pizza"

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun"

"If you only knew how much money was spent to brainwash you, you would realize how special you are"

"If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job"

"If you owe a bank thousands, you have a problem; owe a bank millions, the bank has a problem"

"If you pay for service by the hour, you buy hours and not service"

"If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys"

"If you peel the sticker off a banana & put it on your shirt you get to be the Mayor of Bananatown"

"If you plant corn, you get corn" (proverb)

"If you play great on Friday nights, then you can play on Saturdays" (football adage)

"If you play Yahtzee on a boat, is it spelled Yachtzee?"

"If you pretend I’m wearing a mask, I’ll pretend yours works"

"If you push Continental breakfast tables together, do you get a Pangaea breakfast?"

"If you put a key lime inside a lock lime it reveals the Treasure of Lime Mountain"

"If you put holy water in a humidifier, it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires"

"If you put peanut butter on a rice cake you can throw it farther"

"If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?" (joke)

"If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape"

"If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you're taking your grandma to church..."

"If you really want to get off carbs, start referring to 'baked goods' as 'baked bads'"

"If you remember the '60s, you weren't really there"

"If you remove croutons from your salad, are they then called croutoffs?"

"If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes politics"

"If you say AT&T backwards you sound like a Canadian bomb technician" (joke)

"If you scroll down far enough, we're all on the front page"

"If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"If you see a good move, look for a better one" (chess adage)

"If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you hit him?" (lawyer joke)

"If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don't eat them. It's not chocolate"

"If you see a Swiss banker jumping out of a window, follow him" (Voltaire?)

"If you see a turtle on a fence, he had help getting there"

"If you see me running, call the police"

"If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self employed and having a staff meeting"

"If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference."

"If you see my kids crying outside & picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip"

"If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill"

"If you see something, say something" (safety slogan)

"If you see something, steal something"

"If you see the play happen, you have missed the picture" (sports photography adage)

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining"

"If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent" (joke)

"If you shoot it, you eat it" (hunting adage)

"If you show your papers to attend a Remembrance Day ceremony, you’ve already forgotten"

"If you sin 90 times you’ll only get caught 50% of the time because sin90 = cot45"

"If you sleep with the elephants, you can't cover the circus" (journalism adage)

"If you snooze, you lose"

"If you somehow choke to death on an ice cube, nobody would know how you died"

"If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time"

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"

"If you stay at the table long enough, the chips come to you"

"If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil..."

"If you steal things from bartenders, you'll end up behind bars"

"If you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough"

"If you struggle cutting cake, is it still a piece of cake?"

"If you stumble, make it part of the dance"

"If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why"

"If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory"

"If you take the word 'MILK' and change only four letters, you get 'BEER'"

"If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything"

"If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you lie, it becomes part of your future"

"If you think a virus is scary, wait until you find out what’s really going on"

"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal"

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where it isn't allowed"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where there isn't any"

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right"

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free"

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"

"If you think lawyer jokes are funny -- next time you're in a jam, call a comedian"

"If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices"

"If you think my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices"

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments"

"If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet"

"If you think practice is boring, try sitting on the bench"

"If you think shoplifting is bad, you should see what our government is doing"

"If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see my life choices"

"If you think some of my tweets are ridiculous, you should see some of my life choices"

"If you think the cost of winning is high, just wait until you get the bill for regret"

"If you think the price of sobriety is too high, just wait until you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the price of winning is too high, wait till you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the price of winning is too high, wait until you get the bill from regret"

"If you think the state should punish harmless behavior because it MIGHT lead to harmful behavior"

"If you think things are bad now, wait until the people who wanted to be left alone get involved

"If you think this is bad. you should see what our government is up to"

"If you think this is bad, you should see what the government is doing"

"If you think vegans are easily offended, tell a meat eater you made wings out of cauliflower"

"If you think you can, you can" (Mary Kay Ash?)

"If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad..." (joke)

"If you think your microwave spying on you is bad, your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt"

"If you think you're going to hit into a double play, strike out"

"If you think you've got nothing to be thankful for...check your pulse"

"If you thought you hated homework as a child, trust me, you'll hate it more as a parent"

"If you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care make sure you put your coffee cup down"

"If you took all the fools out of the Lege, it wouldn't be a representative body"

"If you took all the fraud out of politics, there might not be a lot left"

"If you torture the data long enough, it will confess"

"If you truly want to follow the science, then follow the silenced"

"If you trust the government, I don't trust you"

"If you trust your government, then your history teacher didn't do their job"

"If you trust your government, your history teacher didn't do a good job"

"If you trust your government, your history teacher didn't do his job"

"If you try, you risk failure. If you don’t, you ensure it"

"If you unfriend me and later send another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee"

"If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing..."

"If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up in a wine bar"

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog"

"If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily"

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

"If you want higher taxes, you ain't Robin Hood. You're the Sheriff"

"If you want higher taxes, you're not Robin Hood. You're Prince John"

"If you want it bad, you will get it bad"

"If you want less success, tax it. If you want more poverty, fund it"

"If you want more of something, you subsidize it. If you want less of something, you tax it"

"If you want snow, schedule a downhill race" (skiing adage)

"If you want something in the paper, that's advertising; you want something kept out, that's news"

"If you want the traffic light to turn green, look for something in your glovebox"

"If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"

"If you want to be a hero, join the fire department" (police saying)

"If you want to build a crowd, start a fight"

"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Married, you can’t change channels"

"If you want to come in second...follow me!" (running aphorism)

"If you want to find the culprits, follow the money. To find the truth, follow the censored"

"If you want to fly with the eagles, don't swim with the ducks"

"If you want to follow the science, follow the silenced"

"If you want to get ahead, get a hat"

"If you want to get laid, go to college; if you want an education, go to the library"

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together"

"If you want to have rabbit stew, first catch the rabbit"

"If you want to hide something, put it in writing"

"If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck"

"If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a taco truck"

"If you want to impress me with your truck, it better be a taco truck"

"If you want to keep dangerous weapons out of the hands of the mentally ill, don't elect them"

"If you want to know how old you really feel, stop drinking coffee and taking ibuprofen..."

"If you want to know how well the medical industry understands health, look at the food they serve"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at some of the people he gives it to"

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth and see who sticks around. Those are yours"

"If you want to look sophisticated at a restaurant, ask the waiter for a william instead of a bill"

"If you want to lose weight, just fall in love with the wrong person"

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" ("Man plans, God laughs")

"If you want to make memories, add some tequila"

"If you want to make memories, add tequila"

"If you want to make some memories, add some tequila"

"If you want to make some memories, add tequila"

"If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map"

"If you want to sell it, crumb it"

"If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business"

"If you want to start a company and run it yourself then that’s your business"

"If you want to succeed, double your rate of failure"

"If you want to take my freedom, make damn sure you’re as passionate about taking it..."

"If you want to take my freedom, make sure you’re as passionate about taking it..."

"If you want to take my freedoms, make damn sure you're as passionate about taking them..."

"If you want to thank a soldier, be the kind of American worth fighting for"

"If you want to thank our military, be the kind of American worth fighting for"

"If you want to thank our veterans, be the type of American worth fighting for"

"If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep"

"If you want your water to taste better, just add coffee"

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?" (joke)

"If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don't, it's Wednesday"

"If you water water, it grows"

"If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?"

"If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight"

"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple"

"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber"

"If you were a vegetable, you'd be a rudeabaga"

"If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes"

"If you were anti-pencil, would you be erasist?"

"If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex"

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee" (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)

"If you win a year's worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?"

"If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious"

"If you win the morning, you win the day" (radio adage)

"If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner"

"If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift"

"If you would be pungent, be brief"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head. It's capsized"

"If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem. Just accuse them of raise-ism"

"If your coffee order requires more than four words, you're part of the problem"

"If your coffeeshop has one of those passive aggressive 'no wifi pretend it's the old days' signs.."

"If your couch isn’t against a wall, you are unimaginably rich"

"If your crush gets Covid, propose to her. She might say yes due to lack of taste"

"If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise"

"If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If it can't go bad, it's bad for you"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If it can't, it's probably not"

"If your food can go bad, it's good for you. If your food can't go bad, it's not good for you"

"If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox"

"If your guns have ugly tattoos, I revoke your right to bare arms"

"If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby after eating wings...not enough hot sauce"

"If your idea of helping others first requires taking someone’s property..."

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out"

"If your name is on the building, you're rich"

"If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it"

"If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall"

"If your personal choices have a victim, it is no longer a personal choice"

"If your phone battery lasts all day, it's because nobody likes you"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, sex, money or booze, you're kinda fucked"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or foreplay, then I'm out of advice"

"If your problem can't be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex, then I'm out of advice"

"If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it"

"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong"

"If your Sunday doesn't involve wine and yoga pants, you're doing it wrong"

"If your voice held no power, they wouldn't try to silence you"

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way"

"If you're afraid to speak out against tyranny, you're already a slave"

"If you're allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?"

"If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're always straightening things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?"/"European."

"If you're asleep to the truth, you'll drown in the lies"

"If you're bored in New York, it's your own fault"

"If you're confused about gender, try milking a bull. That just might kick start your thinking"

"If you're confused about gender, try milking a bull. You'll learn real quick"

"If you're down by the schoolyard, stay away from Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona"

"If you're drinking to forget, please pay in advance"

"If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly"

"If you're even, he's leavin'" (speed can't be caught)

"If you’re ever being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead"

"If ever you're feeling sad, just go for a run..." (joke)

"If you're ever feeling useless, remember that bags of ice have nutritional information"

"If you're explaining, you're losing"

"If you're going to be salty, bring the tequila"

"If you're going to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark"

"If you're going to panic, panic early" (Wall Street proverb)

"If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" (bumper sticker)

"If you're going to shoot the king, don't miss"

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you" (theatre adage)

"If you're gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!"

"If you're good enough, you're old enough" (sports adage)

"If you're having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares"

"If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people"

"If you're having trouble understanding fractions, don't worry, our helpline is open 24/7"

"If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue"

"If you're homeschooled, all your work is homework"

"If you're in a cold room, stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees"

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"

"If you're in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue. They're always looking for people"

"If you’re injured, you don’t play; if you play, you’re not injured"

"If you're interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?"

"If you're looking for a husband, Tinder is the place to be! All kinds of husbands are on there..."

"If you're looking for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it"

"If you're looking for morals in politics, you're looking for bananas in the cheese department"

"If you're looking, you're not cooking" ("If you're lookin', you ain't cookin'")

"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough"

"If you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, if not a conservative at 40 you have no brain"

"If you're not angry/confused/mad/outraged, you're not paying attention"

"If you're not at the New Yorker, you're not in New York" (New Yorker hotel)

"If you're not at the table, you're on the menu"

"If you're not catching flak, you're not over the target"

"If you're not cheating, you're not trying" (sports adage)

"If you're not dripping with sweat at the gym, you ain't doing it right"

"If you're not fighting for the things you care about, you're losing"

"If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt"

"If you're not in the room, then you're not at the table"

"If you're not on a government watchlist by now, you should be ashamed of yourself"

"If you're not paying for it, you are the product"

"If you’re not satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain on the internet"

"If you're not subversive, you're not relevant"

"If you're not supposed to drink WD-40, why does it come with a straw?"

"If you're not sweating at the gym, you ain't doing it right"

"If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes"

"If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat. Just get on"

"If you're on death row, request Olive Garden's 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl' as a last meal"

"If you're paying $3 for a bottle of smart water, it isn't working"

"If you’re planning to drink tonight, please remember to wander around your house responsibly"

"If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you'd better hurry up"

"If you're running to create electricity, then really you're making elLEGtricity"

"If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, remember nobody loves you on any other day"

"If you're sick above the shoulders, run; below the shoulders, don't run" (running adage)

"If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"

"If you're still confused about gender, try milking a bull and you'll learn real quick"

"If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room"

"If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated"

"If you're trying to ban books, you're probably not the good guys"

"If you’re trying to cut carbs, use a knife"

"If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck"

"If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a taco truck"

"If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!" (face mask requirement)

"If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're waiting for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it"

"If you're white, it's all right"

"If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old"

"If you've ever wondered whether you would have complied during 1930s Germany, now you know"

"If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room"

"If you've got it, haunt it"

"If you've heard one bagpipe song, you've heard them both"

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person"

"If you've never missed a plane, you've spent too much time in airports"

"If you've seen one bear attack, you've seen a maul"

"If you've seen one chamber of commerce, you've seen one chamber of commerce"

"If you've survived after hitting rock bottom, hardly anything can scare you"

"If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you"

Iggy (iguana sculpture on the Lone Star Café)

Iggy (iguana sculpture at the Fort Worth Zoo)

"Ignorance is the single greatest tool of oppression"

"I used to run a pizza restaurant called Calzone, but it folded"

"If a homeless person makes something it's not homemade"

"If you're looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it"

IINO (Independent In Name Only)

"It's the silence between the notes that makes the music"

IITYWIMWYBMAD ("If I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?")

"I just hope both teams are having fun"

"IKEA is Swedish for divorce"

"IKEA: Legos for adults"

"I'll be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels"

"I'll be here all week. Try the veal." (stand-up comedian joke)

"I’ll be home for Christmas. Been here all year anyway. #2020"

"I'll be Irish in a few beers"

"I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one"

"I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY..." (joke)

"I'll control my guns. You control your kids"

"I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line"

"I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly"

"(I'll give you my gun when you take it) From my cold, dead hands"

"I'll have a café mocha vodka Valium latte to go, please"

"'I'll have a hot dog,' Tom said frankly"

"I’ll have a rum and coke" (joke)

"I'll have burnt toast and cold coffee" (restaurant customer joke)

"I'll have the chef's salad."/"That's so rude. Just order your own!"

"I'll have the mouse, please."/"That's mousse, sir."

"I'll have what she's having!"

"I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass" (Republican-Democrat bipartisanship)

"I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I’ll never forget where I was when I heard that JFK was shot. Eighth grade history class"

"I'll never understand people who get in the fast lane just to drive the speed limit"

"I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right"

"I'll sign anything except bad legislation" (Kinky Friedman)

"I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you"

"I'll take a coffee with my sunshine"

"I'll take a Corona, hold the virus" (bar request)

"I'll take coffee with my sunshine"

"I'll take the lobster home to dinner" (joke)

"I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it"

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Illuminutty (Illuminati + nutty)

"I'm 1776% sure you're not taking my AR-15"

"I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing"

"I'm a big fan of air circulation"

"I'm a bodybuilding mime. Some people say I'm the strong, silent type"

"I'm a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine"

"I'm a collector of empty bottles. That sounds better than alcoholic"

"I'm a complex woman with many moods -- and they all require coffee"

"I'm a complex woman with many moods -- and they all require chocolate"

"I'm a crepe. I'm a weirdough. What the hell am I doughing here? I donut belong here"

"I'm a dollarbetic because I don't feel good when my money low"

"I'm a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house"

"I'm a graduate, so a thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains"

"I'm a lawyer." / "Honest?" / "No, the regular kind."

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. It's my job to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating"

"I'm a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear"

"I'm a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse"

"I'm a magician who steals candy bars. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve"

"I'm a nurse. I'm here to save your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I’m a politician." / "Honest?" / "No, the regular kind."

"I'm a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows"

"I'm a social drinker. Every time someone says 'I'll have a drink,' I say 'Social I'"

"I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet"

"I'm a socialist drinker" (joke)

"I'm a time traveler. I travel in time at the rate of one second per second"

"I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trust me to fund myself"

"I'm a trust fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself"

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, but because I hate plants"

"I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become"

"I'm a woman. I have needs. Pass me the wine"

"I'm a woman of many moods and they all require chocolate"

"I'm a writer. Anything you say or do may be used in a story"

"I'm a writer. If I seem cold, it's because I'm surrounded by drafts"

"I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though"

"I'm about to have my favorite alcoholic drink. It's called A Lot"

"I'm actually extremely grateful for all those who put their pronouns in their bio..."

"I'm addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp"

"I'm adding 'showed up for work during the apocalypse' to my résumé"

"I'm aging like a fine banana"

"I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I break out in handcuffs"

"I'm allergic to food. I break out in fat"

"I'm allergic to green onions. Every time I eat them, I break out in chives"

"I'm allergic to rice. I'm basmatic"

"I'm allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm"

"I'm already against the next war"

"I’m allergic to writing about fencing, so I’ll have to use my épée pen"

"I'm always DTE (Down To Eat)"

"I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower"

"I'm always losing things at work...my glasses, my keys, my will to live..."

"I’m an amateur crastinator, but I’m hoping to go pro eventually"

"I'm an amateur crastinator. Someday I'll turn pro"

"I'm an artist for the government. I draw unemployment"

"I'm an artist. I draw unemployment"

"I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December I'm eggnogstic"

"I'm an English major. You do the math"

"I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma"

"I'm aspirin' to be a chemist"

"I'm aspirin' to be a doctor"

"I'm aspirin' to be a nurse"

"I’m aspirin' to be a pharmacist"

"I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair"

"I’m at the age that not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home"

"I'm at the airport and a man just collapsed on the luggage carousel. He's coming around slowly"

"I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"I'm awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time"

"I'm beginning to think that foreign aid is just code for money laundering"

"I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen"

"I'm being fisted by the invisible hand"

"I'm being held momentarily by the train dispatcher" (joke)

"I'm bringing out a new version of the Band Aid song, 'Duvet Know It's Christmas?' It's a cover!"

"I'm broke and I have a college degree to prove it"

"I'm calling in sick because of an eye problem. I can't see myself coming in to work"

"I’m celebrating President’s Day by making a bunch of promises I have no plan on keeping"

"I'm combining Easter and April Fools' Day. I'm sending the kids to look for eggs I haven't hidden"

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?"

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What do you think?"

"I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications"

"I'm convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers"

"I’m convinced that leaning forward while playing video games substantially improves performance"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple" (1976 ad campaign)

"I'm crazy? I want a second opinion!"/"You're ugly, too."

"I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fu cologne"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fuck cologne"

"I'm directing a cowboy film called The Sun. It's set in the west"

"I'm doing my best to remove the word 'chocolate' from my vocadbury"

"I’m done being a people pleaser, if everyone’s OK with that"

"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red"

"I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is"

"I'm drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver"

"I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future"

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days"

"I'm excited that the phrase 'get the fuck away from me' is no longer rude but a PSA"

"I'm fat because I'm full of experiences. And most of those experiences took place at restaurants"

"I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm translender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm trans-slender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as slim. I'm translender"

"I'm fat, but I identify as slim. I'm trans-slender"

"I'm filthy, stinking rich. Well, two out of three ain't bad"

"I'm from a town where a traffic jam is 6 cars behind a tractor"

"I'm from New York. We don't keep calm"

"I’m from New York, where people say 'you’re welcome' to remind you to say 'thank you'"

"I'm from Texas. What country are you from?"

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you"

"I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes"

"I’m getting way too comfortable looking this ugly all the time"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month" (joke)

"I'm giving up Cadbury's chocolates for Lindt"

"I'm giving up cheap chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm giving up chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm giving up drinking for Lent and giving up Lent for St. Patrick's Day"

"I'm giving up Hershey's chocolates for Lindt"

"I'm giving up spelling and chocolate for Lindt"

"I'm glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally begin"

"I'm glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally start"

"I'm glad 'feta' isn't the plural of 'fetus.' If it were, I might have to stop eating Greek salads"

"I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live"

"I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes"

"I'm glad it's not snowing. I would hate to shovel snow in this heat"

"I'm going bananas...is what I say to my bananas before leaving the house"

"I'm going off the grid" (said when not taking a phone to the bathroom)

"I’m going through a lot right now. I can't seem to find a parking spot"

"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate"

"I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."/"Is that a fret?"

"I'm going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends"

"I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits" (joke)

"I'm going to have a quesadilla."/"Really, a whole case of them?"

"I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year. He was easy to get a lawn with"

"I’m going to need some privacy while I parallel park"

"I'm going to open a Vietnamese soup/Southern barbeque restaurant and call it Ph? Que"

"I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!"

"I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year. Not to see the new year in..."

"I'm going to the strip club. The chicken strip club. I mean Chick-Fil-A"

"I'm going to unlike this page. Right after I post about unliking this page..."

"I'm gonna be a Social Justice Warrior for Halloween" (joke)

"I'm gonna run for president & kill other candidates by natural disaster. I'll win by a landslide"

"I'm good at everything except modesty"

"I'm grateful to whoever saw beans fried once and said, 'This isn't enough'"

"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once"

"I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so I'm drinking if you're buying"

"I'm having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited"

"I'm having a vision problem today. I can't see myself doing much"

"I'm having an out-of-money experience"

"I'm having fruit salad for dinner..." (wine joke)

"I'm having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by"

"I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find"

"I’m here experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour"

"I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy right now"

"I'm hungry."/"Hi hungry. I'm Dad."

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at work"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I just live in New Jersey"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I just live in the United States"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I'm just at work"

"I'm in a bad place right now. Not mentally. Just New York"

"I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album"

"I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at the bottle shop"

"I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I'm just at the liquor store"

"I'm in a pirate-themed band. We can't stop writing hooks"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm into auto-cannibalism. People say I'm full of myself"

"I'm joining the war on drugs. I'm on the drugs' side"

"I'm joining the war on drugs. I'm on the side of drugs"

"I'm joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut"

"I'm just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be 3 tacos and 2 margaritas"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a Tuesday, asking it to be a Friday"

"I'm just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store"

"I'm just going to pour myself a bottle of wine and call it a day"

"'I'm just gonna get gas in the morning" is one of the worst decisions you can make as an adult"

"I'm just here for the beer"

"I'm just here to post shit I find funny. If that offends you, just know I find that shit funny too"

"I'm just here to tweet shit that I find funny. Please know if I offend you, I find that shit funny"

"I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money"

"I’m just sitting here drinking coffee and making plans for world domination"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up"

"I'm kind of like the total package that got really fucked up through shipping & handling"

"I'm kinda like the total package that got fucked up through shipping and handling"

"I’m late for work because I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30"

"I'm launching a brass instrument sex fetish site soon. I call it HornPub"

"I'm leaving Facebook! But first I'm going to post that I'm leaving Facebook"

"I'm leaving office to spend more time with my family" (political scandal excuse)

"I'm LEAVING this group! But first I’m gonna POST about leaving this group" (Facebook joke)

"I'm Leaving Twitter! But first I'm gonna TWEET about leaving Twitter!"

"'I'm leaving Twitter' is the new 'I'm moving to Canada'"

"I'm like horse manure in a rodeo (i.e., everywhere)" (Liz Smith)

"I'm looking for a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for a tall, dark, rich cup of coffee"

"I'm looking for a woman who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for someone who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm majoring in pre-rich"

"I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles"

"I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy. I’m galactose intolerant"

"I'm nice, but I'm not 'let more than one car merge' nice"

"I'm nice, but I'm not 'let more than one person merge in front of me' nice"

"I'm no good at hunting mushrooms, but I can provide morel support"

"I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I'm changing the things I cannot accept"

"I'm no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?"

"I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks"

"I'm not a competitive person... I'll be the first to admit it"

"I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a 'things aren't adding up and it's pretty obvious' theorist"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. You're a fucking idiot"

"I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience"

"I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster"

"I'm not a member of any organized political party -- I'm a Democrat"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I just prefer doing all my work in a deadline-induced panic"

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are"

"I'm not a wine snob. I'm just an awesommelier" (awesome + sommelier)

"I'm not a wino, I'm a 'why-yes'"

"I'm not a wiNO. I'm a wineYES!"

"I'm not above calling in sick from the parking lot"

"I'm not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking" (Cinco de Mayo joke)

"I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship"

"I’m not adding this year 2020 to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not afraid to die...I’m afraid to live on my knees in a world run by lesser men..."

"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; I'm a drunk, we go to parties"

"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a bartender who works from home"

"I'm not anti-system. The system is anti-me"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"I'm not bossy. I'm the teacher"

"I'm not broke. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer"

"I'm not challenging your authority. I'm denying it completely"

"I'm not cheap. I'm frugal"

"I'm not chubby. I'm insulated. And winter's coming. So I'm prepared"

"I'm not confused -- I'm only well-mixed"

"I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a bullshit analyzer"

"I'm not drinking anymore (but I'm not drinking any less, either)"

"I'm not drunk, I'm patriotic"

"I'm not drunk. Just avoiding potholes" (bumper sticker)

"I'm not far right. I'm just right so far"

"I'm not fat enough for this level of cold weather"

"I'm not fat -- I just have good marbling"

"I'm not fat -- I'm cultivating mass"

"I'm not fat -- I'm flooded" (human body is 80% water)

"I'm not fat -- I'm fluffy"

"I'm not fat -- I'm insulated"

"I'm not fat. I'm just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just big boned"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just easy to see"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just so sexy, it overflows"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just well-marbled"

"I'm not fat, I'm translender"

"I'm not fat, I'm trans-slender"

"I'm not fat -- I'm well-insulated"

"I'm not fat -- just short for my weight"

"I'm not fat -- my stomach is just in 3D"

"I'm not feeling very worky today"

"I'm not gaining weight -- I'm retaining food"

"I'm not going outside until temperature is above my age"

"I'm not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I'm not good at push ups, pull ups, or sit ups. I'm pretty good at fuck ups though"

"I'm not homophobic. I'm not afraid of my house!"

"I'm not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat"

"I'm not Irish, but my coffee is"

"I'm not Irish, but my coffee might be"

"I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode"

"I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick"

"I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick"

"I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a client" (Hair Club for Men)

"I'm not overweight -- I'm undertall"

"I'm not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?"

"I'm not poor. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not racist. I hate white liberals more than anybody"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed"

"I'm not running away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present."/"You're the lawyer."/"Where's my present?"

"I’m not saying I don’t like you, but I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee"

"I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death"

"I'm not saying I drink too much coffee, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death"

"I'm not saying I'm a bad cook, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?"

"I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying..."

"I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me..." (joke)

"I'm not slow. I'm just getting my money's worth from the entry fee"

"I'm not strange. I'm dramatically different"

"I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash..."

"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them"

"I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?"

"I’m not sure if I’m hungry, but I’m gonna eat anyway, just in case"

"I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice" (joke)

"I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager"

"I’m not too good at push ups or sit ups, but fuck ups? Let me tell you"

"I'm not unemployed -- I'm a consultant"

"I'm not unemployed, I'm NSFW"

"I'm not voting Democrat or Republican. I do not negotiate with terrorists"

"I'm not voting. I don't negotiate with terrorists"

"I'm not yawning. I'm doing face yoga"

"I’m offended by bills, can we cancel them!? Isn’t that how it works now?"

"'I'm offended' is the debate equivalent of flipping over the board game when you start losing"

"I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called 'hieroglyphics'"

"I'm on a light diet. I eat by daylight, I eat by moonlight, and sometimes, I eat by fridge light"

"I'm on a light diet. I eat in the daylight, moonlight, and sometime at night by my night light"

"I'm on a diet. Actually, I'm on 2 diets. I couldn't get enough to eat on the first one"

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!"

"I'm on cloud wine"

"I'm on my way to work... PLEASE KILL ME"

"I'm on the Han Solo diet: I'm only eating one Carb'a'Night!"

"I’m on the third cheat year of my diet"

"I'm on two diets. I don't get enough to eat on just one"

"I'm only a morning person on December 25th"

"I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand"

"I'm only speeding because I really have to poop" (bumper sticker)

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the porch"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on my patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the porch"

"I'm outdoorsy. I like having coffee on the patio"

"I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios"

"I'm overpaying him, but he's worth it"

"I'm planning on being spontaneous sometime next week"

"I'm planning on having my favorite drink this weekend. It's called a lot"

"I'm pretty certain if I had any self-control today, I'd probably eat that, too"

"I'm pretty sure I like food more than people"

"I’m pretty sure it’s easier to leave most street gangs than it is to cancel a gym membership"

"I'm pretty sure there isn't life on other planets. If there was, we would have sent them billions of dollars in foreign aid by now"

"I’m proud of my job as a podium salesman. It’s a product I can stand behind"

"I'm proud to pay taxes; I could be just as proud for half the money"

"I'm putting my grades up for adoption because I can't raise them myself"

"I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here"

"I'm ready for the rest of this week! I have my umbrella, my flip flops, my mittens..."

"I’m ready for the week! I got my umbrella, my flip flops, turtle neck, my suntan lotion..."

"I'm ready for the weekend, but it's only Tuesday"

"I'm ready to stop complaining about winter and start complaining about summer"

"I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit. I've already given the bird to lots of people"

"I'm really glad they made the Children's Aid Society" (Children's Aid Society jingle)

"I'm really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans"

"I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists"

"I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch. Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks"

"I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I'm really glad you can see 92 miles..."

"I'm really upset because I got my doctor's test results. Turns out I'm not gonna be a doctor"

"I'm respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick's Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear"

"I'm respectfully devoting the day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear" (St. Patrick's Day)

"I'm retired. Every day is Saturday"

"I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today"

"I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. All my friends are office supplies"

"I'm running in a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness"

"I'm running on coffee and bad decisions"

"I'm running out of unproductive things to do at work"

"I am scared of non-alcoholic lager. It must be a faux beer"

"I'm seeing way too many plus size vegans... ARE Y'ALL FRYING THE LETTUCE?"

"I'm selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years"

"I'm sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone"

"I'm sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It's like the spinach inquisition!"

"I’m single AF and the AF stands for And Fat. I’m just single and fat"

"I'm so addicted to coffee, I don't sweat. I percolate"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I’m so broke, I can only afford Bottom Ramen"

"I'm so broke, I gotta fart to get a cent in my pocket"

"I'm so broke, I have to fart to have a cent in my pocket!"

"I'm so broke, I have to fart to have a scent in my pocket"

"I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back"

"I'm so glad I was taught how to play the recorder at school...." (joke)

"I'm so good Santa came twice"

"I'm so happy I don't drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around"

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider"

"I'm so old, I can remember playing solitaire with an actual deck of cards"

"I’m so old I can remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer"

"I'm so old I remember when there were white people on tv commercials"

"I'm so old, I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor"

"I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention"

"I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings"

"I'm so single when they ask for an emergency contact, I've just been putting Jesus"

"I’m so strong I can lift a house! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I’m so strong I can lift buildings! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I'm so tempted to do a musical joke. But I'll refrain"

"I’m so unfamiliar with my gym that I have started calling it Mr. James"

"I'm sorry, but you can't *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average..."

"I'm sorry for the things I said when it was winter"

"I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry"

"I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going"

"I'm starting a company recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need help getting it off the ground"

"I’m starting to miss people I don’t even like" (2019-20 coronavirus lockdown)

"I’m starting to think governance by pedophiles and sexual predators/deviants covertly controlled..."

"I'm starvin' like Marvin" (Starvin' Marvin)

"I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning"

"I’m still single on Star Wars Day. Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places"

"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired"

"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up..."

"I'm still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there"

"I’m stuck between 'I need to save money' & 'You only live once'"

"I'm such an expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook"

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -- I don't know if I'm coming or going"

"I'm the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves..."

"I'm the straw that stirs the drink" (Reggie Jackson)

"I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer & screaming constantly"

"I'm thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field"

"I'm thinking about running a marathon again" (joke)

"I’m throwing a wine and cheese party tonight. Only for myself. And without the cheese"

"I'm too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener"

"I'm too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I've put on, like, 130 pounds since then"

"I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time"

"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!"

"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes"

"I’m trying to teach my self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house"

"I'm using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then...pesto!"

"I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges"

"I'm walking on a treadmill. I named it Sunshine. I'm walking on Sunshine"

"I’m well-prepared for a cashless society. Having kids already has me there"

"I'm willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?"

"I'm willing to die protecting my 2nd amendment rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them?"

"I'm willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?"

"I’m writing a book about drinking beer. I’m currently on my 4th draft"

"I'm with stupid"

"I’m wondering... What should I wear to the couch tonight?" (quarantine joke)

"I'm wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicles die, but fat cells..."

"I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's OK, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs"

"I'm working on my résumé. Should I use 'mad skillz' or would 'mad skills' be more formal?"

"I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It’s only a draft at the moment"

"Imagine a virus so dangerous that you have to be tested to know if you have it"

"Imagine a virus so deadly that it doesn't infect those who don't give a shit"

"Imagine a virus so deadly that you have to be tested to know if you have it"

"Imagine a war in which the majority of one side didn't know they were at war..."

"Imagine an atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' sticker"

"Imagine being on the wrong side of history while it repeats itself. Like failing an open-book test"

"Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion"

"Imagine if you will a war in which the majority of one side didn’t know they were at war..."

"Imagine taking orders from liars, thieves, pedophiles, psychopaths and mass murderers..."

"Imagine taking orders from pedophiles, psychopaths and mass murderers..."

"Imagine the audience naked" (theatre saying)

"Imagine the phone company canceling your service because they didn’t like..."

"Imagine thinking genitalia doesn't indicate gender... then suggesting to cut off genitalia to 'change' gender"

"Imagine with all your mind. Believe with all your heart. Achieve with all your might"

"Imitation crab meat is the hot dog of the sea"

"Imitation crab meat is the string cheese of the sea"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of crab meat"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television"

"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery"

Immoral Robbery Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Impact Festival

Impeach-mint (political flavor)

"Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction"

Imperial Chicken

Imperial Congress

Imposing Misery and Famine (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

IMPOTUS (Impeached President Of The United States)

IMPOTUS (impotent + POTUS)

Impregnable Quadrilateral (golf's four major events)

"Improvement begins with 'I'"

"Improvise, adapt and overcome" (Marine Corps motto)

"In 1775, they tried to take our guns. We shot them"

"In 20 years, this country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers"

"In a bear market, money returns to its rightful owners" (Wall Street proverb)

"In a city of eight million sundials, nobody has any idea how long a minute is"

"In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your count votes"

"In a dog-eat-dog market, get yourself a big dog"

"In a financial crisis, all correlations go to one"

"In a relationship with food"

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

"In a world of propaganda, the truth is always a conspiracy"

"In a zombie apocalypse, vegans will be the first to be eaten because they're organic"

"In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too"

"In America, dogs are k-9s. But in China, dogs are e-10"

"In America, they call it lobbying. Everywhere else in the world, they call it bribery & corruption"

"In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you"

"In an abusive relationship with the cost of living"

In-and-Out List

"In beer's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too"

"In boring classes, I always improve my drawing skills"

"In boxing, you fight over a belt and a purse"

"In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack" (joke)

"In Case of Fire: Exit building before posting on Facebook"

"In Case of Fire: Please leave the building before posting it on social media" (sign)

"In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry" (joke)

"In conclusion, there are ten letters"

"In confusion there is profit"

"In court, your fate is in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to escape jury duty"

"In Crust We Trust"

"In dog beers, I've only had one"

"In economics, two people can win a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing"

"In England, 'booster shot' is spelled 'borchestershire shot'"

"In every language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast"

"In February, your daily rent is more expensive than in all other months"

"In Florida we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"In for a dime, in for a dollar"

"In France, they applaud meringue, but in Australia, they boo meringue"

"In God we trust. All others must bring data"

"In God we trust (all others pay cash)"

"In God we trust. All others we polygraph"

"In God we trust and all the guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. Guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. My guns are just backup"

"In God we trust. The guns are just backup"

"In grade school it's called bullying, but when you get older it's called upper level management"

"In Hitler's defence, he did kill Hitler"

"In Hitler's defense, he did kill Hitler"

"In hockey, goaltending is 75 percent of the game -- unless it's bad goaltending"

"In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension"

"In honor of the winter solstice I also will be cold, distant & filled with darkness"

"In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness"

"In Iowa, they pick corn; in New Hampshire, they pick presidents"

"In journalism, the pay might be low and the hours long, but at least everyone hates you"

"In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice"

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate"

"In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot. It's your choice"

"In light of plummeting oil prices, Exxon Mobil plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In light of the collapsing economy, JPMorgan plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In Massachusetts, booster shot is spelled borcester shot"

"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current"

"In moments of doubt, trust your gut, hug your dog, and eat a donut"

"In most cases, cell phones won't crack when you drop them"

"In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted 'last call'"

"In my defense, I was left unsupervised"

"In my defense, the moon was full and I was left unsupervised"

"In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right"

"In my family we don't hide crazy -- we have a barbeque, give it a beer and wait for the show"

"In my family we don't hide crazy -- we have a bbq, give it a beer and wait for the show to start"

"In my family we don't hide the crazy. We give it a beer and wait for the show to start"

"In high school, our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was..."

"In my physics exam today a question asked 'What's the unit of power?' I answered 'Correct'"

"In my spare time, I help blind children" (joke)

"In New York, it's not whether you win or lose — it's how you lay the blame"

In New York they ask, how much is he worth?

"In New York, you can have a great job, a great apartment and a great companion, but not all three"

"In order to be effective, truth must penetrate like an arrow -- and that is likely to hurt"

"In order to get glasses, you have to fail a test that they give you the answers to"

"In our house it really should be called a cooking detector"

"In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In pizza we crust"

"In politics, few talents are as richly rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims"

"In politics, good gets better and bad gets worse"

"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens you can bet it was planned that way."

"In politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In response to the murder hornets, police are using the SWAT team to set up a sting operation"

"In retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic"

"In Russia, they call it Nyetflix" (nyet + Netflix)

"In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus"

"In school, kids are grouped by date of manufacture"

"In tequila’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober, too"

"In terms of money, I have no money"

"In terms of money, we have no money"

"In Texas, all yoga is hot yoga"

"In Texas, 'hot yoga' is just called 'yoga'"

"In Texas, the shade is just diet sun"

"In Texas, the shortest distance between two points is likely under construction"

"In Texas we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"In the ballpark" ("In the ball park," also "In the same ballpark," "In the right ballpark")

"In the beginning, a patriot is a scarce man, hated, feared and scorned"

"In the binary system, we count on our fists instead of on our fingers"

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience"

"In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield"

"In the circle of life you can find happiness in every corner"

"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice, then he made politicians"

"In the ghetto, do they put hood ornaments on their Christmas trees?"

"In the government’s eye, no lives matter. Let that sink in while you all act like a bunch of idiots against each other"

"In the mix like Chex"

"In the money"

"In the playoffs, your best players have to be your best players"

"In the pool, life is cool, swimmers rule"

"In the pursuit of excellence, there is no finish line"

"In the recipe of life, doubt makes an excellent ingredient, but a lousy meal"

"In the red" (loss) & "In the black" (profit); Red Ink & Black Ink

"In the restaurant: 'Would you like a table?' 'No, a lamp for 5 please.'"

"In the soup"

"In the South, shade is just diet sun"

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of baseball"

"In the stock market, there's a fine line between being wrong and being early"

"In the two party system, the after party is the one you want to attend"

"In the US, we have a candy holiday, followed by a pie holiday, next a cookies and candy holiday..."

"In the weeds"

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

"In this kitchen we dance"

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these"

"In victory, you deserve champagne; in defeat, you need it"

"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas" ("In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is joy")

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers"

"In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times"

"In Washington, the scandal isn't what's illegal; the scandal is what's legal"

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" (Polish joke)

"In what key does the ghost play piano?"/"In the spoo-key."

"In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria"

Incandescent District (Broadway)

"Inch by inch, it's a cinch; yard by yard, it's hard; mile by mile, it's a trial"

INCH (I'm Never Coming Home) Bag

Income Reduction Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

"Income tax has been defined as the fine we pay for reckless thriving"

"Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast"

"Income Tax: The fine you pay for the crime of being productive and useful"

"Income tax: the fine you pay for not being quite the person your ancestor was"

"Income Tax: The fine you pay for thriving too fast"

"Income taxes are the fine one pays for the crime of being useful and productive"

"Incompetence is a double-edged banana"

"Incongruous: Where bills are passed"

Incontinental Breakfast (incontinent + continental breakfast)

Incorrect Promise (euphemism for "lie")

"Indecision is the key to flexibility"

"Independence Day -- celebrating the country by blowing up a small part of it"

"Indescribably delicious"

Indeslicesive (indecisive + slice)

"Indian food has entered the chaat"

"Indian food has entered the chat"

"Indian restaurants are naan profit businesses while Vietnamese restaurants are pho profit"

"Indian yogurt sauce has entered the chat"

Indiana: Hoosier Hoopla (basketball)

Indiana: Hoosier Hysteria (basketball)

Indiana: "If the kitchen's in the house and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?"

Indiana: Indiana Insanity (basketball)

Indiana: Midwest Madness (basketball)

Indianappleis & "Move over New York. Apple is our middle name" (Indianapolis, Indiana)

"Indict a ham sandwich"

"Indie music is just yodeling, but in cursive"

Indigestive Biscuit

"Individual liberty is the greater good"

"Induction stoves imply the existence of deduction stoves"

Industrial Business Zone (IBZ)

Ineptocracy (inept + democracy)

"Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself"

Infernal Revenue Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Infinity Apple (GreeNYC symbol, 2007)

"Inflation: Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money"

Inflation Eve (balloon-inflating for Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade)

"Inflation is just spicy theft"

"Inflation is spicy theft"

"Inflation is legalized robbery"

"Inflation is robbery"

"Inflation is theft. Taxation is robbery"

"Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet"

"Inflation is when you pay $10 for the $5 haircut you used to get for $2 when you had hair"

Inflationista

"Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got"

Info Babe or Infobabe (woman in television news broadcasting)

Infodemic (information + epidemic)

"Information is power, but like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves"

"Information is the most precious commodity on Wall Street"

InfoWarts (InfoWars + warts)

InfoWhores (InfoWars + whores)

"Ingredients for Life" & "Your Remarkable Store" (Randalls slogans)

Inner Circle

"Innocent until proven guilty has become sick until proven healthy"

"Innovate or die"

"Insane fact: the sun is approximately 8 CVS receipts from earth"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"

"Insanity is taking the same vaccine over and over again, and expecting to be protected"

"Insect protein is a locust alternative to meat"

"Insert coffee to begin"

Inside Baseball

"Inside every sportswriter is a frustrated athlete"

"Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence"

"Insomnia -- the art of falling asleep just as your alarm goes off to start the day"

"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working"

Inspiration of Washington Square (nickname of model Audrey Munson)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

"Instagram crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is just scrapbooking for millennials"

"Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside"

"Instagram is like a fridge..."

"Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read"

"Instagram would've been a great name for a cocaine delivery service"

"Installing windows is a pane in the glass"

"Instant asshole -- just add alcohol" ("Instant jackass -- just add alcohol")

Instant Classic

"Instant coffee is just dirty water"

"Instant human -- just add coffee"

"Instead of a condom, I carry a moist towelette in my wallet. I run into chicken wings more often"

"Instead of a condom, I carry a towelette in my wallet. The odds of me finding chicken wings..."

"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar" (joke)

"Instead of alphabet spaghetti, they should make alphabet butter. Spread the word"

"Instead of cashiers saying 'here’s your receipt' they should say 'will you throw this away?'"

"Instead of 'Conspiracy Theorist', I prefer the name 'Connect The Dots Specialist'"

"Instead of conspiracy theorist, I prefer to be called a connect the dots specialist"

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks"

"Instead of giving roads the names of leaders and celebrities. if we give the contractor's name..."

"Instead of governments having digital ID on us, perhaps we should have digital ID on them"

"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim"

"Instead of presents this year, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"Instead of saying 'real life,' we should just call it 'offline'"

"Instead of sending poor countries money, shouldn't we be telling them to raise their minimum wage?"

"Instead of 'unvaccinated,' call yourself organic. Being natural is normal"

"Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution"

"Instrument of the Immortals" (Steinway & Sons)

"Insurance covers everything except what happens"

Insurance District

"Insurance is sold, not bought"

"Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, until you realize it was your money to start with"

"Intelligence is like underwear -- have it, but don't show it off"

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intensity builds immensity" (bodybuilding adage)

"Interest on debt grows without rain"

"Interesting... It says here that the good guys have won every single time. Lucky us!" (history)

Interlocking letters "N" and "Y" on New York baseball uniforms

Internal Rectal Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Revenge Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Rotten Scoundrels (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

International Circus Court (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Circus of Clowns (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Clown Court (International Criminal Court or ICC nickname)

International Dance Festival

International Fake Station (International Space Station or ISS nickname)

International Mafia Federation (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Marxist Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Misery Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Monetary Fraud (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Mother Fuckers (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"Internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Internet. It can censor everything about conspiracy theories, but can’t get rid of child porn"

"Internet: It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others"

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internet message boards? I'm all forum"

"Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck"

"Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Me: I fell asleep on the space key."

"Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes."

"Interviewer: Your reference letters said that you take things too literally" (joke)

"Interviewer: Your resume says you used to be in the theatre" (joke)

"Into a bar Yoda walks" (bar joke)

"Intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it"

Invaders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"*Inventing celery* Damn I wish I could bite water with hair in it"

"Invest in people who invest in you"

"Invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return"

"Invest in what you know best" (Wall Street adage)

"Invest in your passions"

"Investigate, then invest" (Wall Street saying)

"Investing is simple, but it's not easy"

Invisible Fist (invisible hand + fist)

Invisible Government

Inwoodite (inhabitant of Inwood, Manhattan)

Iota Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

I.O.U.S.A. (IOU + USA)

Iowa: "As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa"

Iowa: Full Grassley (politician visiting each county)

Iowa: I Oughta Went Around (backronym)

Iowa: I Owe the World an Apology (backronym)

Iowa: Idiots Out Wandering Around (backronym)

Iowa: "Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents"

Iowa: "Three tickets out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"IPA lot when I drink"

"IPAs are just pumpkin spice lattes for white men"

Iraq (LeFrak City); Kuwait (Queensbridge)

"Irate Diner: Hey, waiter, there's an F-L-Y in my alphabet soup!"

Irish Amnesia or Irish Alzheimer's (to forget everything but the grudge)

"Irish by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Irish Coffee (Gaelic Coffee)

"Irish coffee is the original Vodka Red Bull"

"Irish coffee is just Vodka Red Bull for adults"

Irish Grape (potato)

Irish Handcuffs (alcoholic drinks in both hands)

"Irish I was drunk" ("Irish I were drunk")

Irish Nachos

"Irish puns are the most O'ffensive"

Irish Riviera (Breezy Point)

Irish Soda Bread

"Irish stew...in the name of the law" (knock-knock joke)

Irish Turkey (corned beef and cabbage)

"Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day" (knock-knock joke)

Iron Maiden or HEET (High Entrance/Exit Turnstile)

Iron Pipeline (I-95)

Iron Triangle

Iron Triangle (Willets Point)

"Ironically, the only people still scared of Covid are vaccinated against it"

"Irony: having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up too many times"

"Irony is drawing a tree on paper, with a pencil, on a wooden desk, in a wooden house, in the woods"

"Irony is when you write 'save trees' on a piece of paper"

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got"

IRSS (IRS + SS)

"Irving Berlin has no place in American music. He IS American music"

Irvingite (inhabitant of Irving)

"Is a cul-de-sac a spoon in the road?"

"is a dancing pig, shaken bacon?"

"Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?"

"Is a golf cart considered a sports car?"

"Is a hot dog a sandwich?" (debate question)

"Is a line outside a Vietnamese restaurant a pho queue?"

"Is a serial killer on Halloween called a trigger treater?"

"Is a subpar golfer good or bad?"

"Is America cursed because it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground?"

"Is anything okay?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Is Betteridge's law of headlines correct?" (headline joke)

"Is Brooklyn still in the league?" (1934)

"Is chicken soup good for your health?"/"Not if you're the chicken!"

"Is corn the only thing that’s delicious after it explodes?"

"Is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism?"

"Is expired Nutella called Oldtella?"

"Is Google a woman? Because it won't let you finish without coming up with other suggestions"

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"Is it called Dollar General because things are generally a dollar, but not always?"

"Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces 'nice car'?"

"Is it Friday yet?"

"Is it OK to be dismayed on June 1st?"

"Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids go to school? Or am I just a bad teacher?"

"Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?"

"Is it okay to bring marijuana brownies to pot luck dinner?"

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

"Is it soup yet?"

"Is it still considered wine tasting if I’m on my third glass?"

"Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

"Is it whiskey?"/"Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

"Is Match.com a dating site for arsonists?"

"'Is Pepsi OK?' -- World's worst drug dealer"

"Is raising chickens hard work?"/"It sure is. You have to work around the cluck."

"Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is that a custard or a meringue?"/"You’re not wrong. It’s a custard."

"Is that coffee I smell?"/"It is, and you do."

"Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?"

"Is that you or the beer talking?" (joke)

"Is that you or the wine talking?" (joke)

"Is the left called the left because they are never right?"

"Is the sex offender registry where sex offenders sign up for gifts?"

"Is the Sunday after Black Friday known as Black Sabbath?"

"Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks? I guess we'll know when the time comes"

"Is there a criminal lawyer in this town?" (lawyer joke)

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?"

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?"

"Is there an afterlife? Touch my car and find out"

"Is there any company whose phone options haven't changed?"

"Is there baseball in heaven?" (joke)

"Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?"

"Is there ever a time when customer service is not experiencing 'high call volume'?"

"Is there life after death? Touch my car and find out" (bumper sticker)

"Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out" (property sign)

"Is there a such thing as a pasta fetish and if so please tell me it’s called fetishini alfredo"

"Is this meat really wild?"/"Yes sir, it was absolutely furious when we shot it."

"Is this pool safe for diving?"/"It deep ends."

"Is this real life or is this just Fanta sea?"

"Is this the helpline for alcoholics?"/ "Yes."/ "How do I make a mojito?"

"Is this the helpline for alcoholics?"/ "Yes."/ "How do you make a piña colada?"

"Is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"

"Is your fridge a morgue or a garden?"

"Is your refrigerator a morgue or a garden?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" (joke)

Island of Misfit Toys (Harry Chapin Playground, Brooklyn Heights)

"Islander goal!" (hockey catchphrase)

Isle of Tears or Island of Hope (Ellis Island Immigration Station)

Islosers (Islanders + losers)

"Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?" (joke)

"Isn't it funny that the people wanting socialism don't really contribute much to society..."

"Isn't it too early to be eating that?"/"What time do stomachs open?"

"Isn't it weird how the internet cannot eliminate child pornography, but can censor facts"

"Isn't Texas cute?" (Alaskan T-shirt)

"Isn't the smell of coffee the best alarm clock?"

Iso Omena (Finland's "Big Apple" shopping center, 2001-present)

Isobeard (isolation + beard)

Isolationship (isolated + relationship)

Israeli Double Standard Time

Israeli Film Festival

"Sixlets are a poor man's M&M's"

"It ain't all burritos and strippers, my friend"

"It ain't no thing but a chicken wing"

"It ain't over 'til it's over" ("It's not over until it's over")

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility"

"It all started with gourmet coffee. Followed by skinny jeans and man buns..."

"It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies..."

"It always rains at the end of a long dry spell" (weather joke)

"It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It costs more to be poor"

"It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me"

"It didn't start with the gas chambers. It started with one party controlling the media..."

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority"

"It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up"

"It doesn't matter how many resources you have. If you don't know how to use them..."

"It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill, as long as you don’t lose the cow"

"It doesn't matter how ready you think you are. The toaster will scare you"

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full..."

"It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose"

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose"

"It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy whatever I want without looking at the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree"

"It feels really unnatural to eat a Skittle without looking at its color first"

"It gets greater later" (motivational saying)

"It gets late early out there"

"It happened! I finally got laid...... Off"

"It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk"

"It hurts now, but one day it will be your warm up"

"It is 4 o'clock on Wall Street -- do you know where your money is?"

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education"

"It is better to live one year as a lion than 100 years as a sheep"

"It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't"

"It is easier to start a war than to end it"

"It is harder for a poor man to enter the United States Senate than for a rich man to enter Heaven"

"It is high! It is far! It is gone!" (baseball home run call)

"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible"

"It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow"

"It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission"

"It is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side"

"It is only after a man gets rich that he discovers how many poor relatives he has"

"It is Sunday. I plan on doing nothing and plenty of it"

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government"

"It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority"

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press"

"It is time for many people to be arrested suddenly"

"It is wiser to choose what you say than to say what you choose"

"It isn't black vs white. It isn't left vs right. It isn't red vs blue. It's State vs you"

"It isn't sex that wrecks these players, it's staying up all night looking for it"

"It isn't that I'm not a people person. It's just that I'm not a stupid people person"

"It isn't the holly, it isn't the snow. It isn't the tree nor the firelight's glow" (Christmas poem)

"It isn't what happens to you, but how you react to it, that determines your life"

"It it jiggles, it's fat"

"If it's in stock, we have it" (store sign)

"It just isn't Christmas unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes"

"It just takes one team to draft you" (player draft adage)

"It looks like a toothpick in a pie" (J. Frank Dobie on UT tower)

"It matters not, to free men, what tyrants write on paper"

"It may be dangerous to be America's enemy, but to be America's friend is fatal"

"It may be Friday the 13th, but it is still Friday and a reason to dance"

"It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about food"

"It may not be PC to say this, but I like Apple products"

"It might be called social media, but all I do is share memes and ignore people"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy"

"It must be a pain in the ass to remove all those web lines that Spider-Man leaves behind in NYC"

"It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks"

"It never occurs to politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting"

"It never rains on a golf course"

"It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store..."

"It only takes one slow-walking person in the supermarket..."

"It only takes two to make an auction" (auction adage)

"It pays to advertise" (advertising adage)

"It rains on both sides of the field" (football adage)

"It rains on rich and poor alike, but the rich have better umbrellas"

"It really smells around that ol’ factory"

"It says here in this history book that, luckily, the good guys have won every single time"

"It seems I may have a drinking problem after all. I just ran out of wine"

"It seems unfair that elevators have music, but stairs do not have music"

"It Shines For All" (New York Sun)

"It should be illegal for you to choose whether you leave your house because you could harm me..."

"It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper... We’ve all gone bat, shit, crazy"

"It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something"

"It takes a flood to break a drought"

"It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do"

"It takes a lot of beer to make good wine"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a distillery to home school one"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a vineyard to home school one"

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan"

"It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow"

"It takes four persons to dress a salad..."

"It takes good hitters to be a good hitting coach" (baseball adage)

"It takes guts to make a sausage"

"It takes money to make money" ("You've got to spend money to make money")

"It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly"

"It takes nine months to make a baby, no matter how many people you put on the job"

"It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone"

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk -- usually the fourth one"

"It takes ten years to become an overnight success"

"It took me a long time to figure out I'm a slow learner"

"It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream..."

"It used to be called 'House Depot' until they filled it with love"

"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers"

"It was meaty okra" (mediocre)

"It was my understanding that there would be no math"

"It was raining cats and dogs and I stepped in a poodle"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a gangsta pull his pants up"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold in New York that, in Central Park, I saw a squirrel salting his nuts"

"It was so cold in New York that the flashers were only describing themselves"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the Central Park ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in Washington that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold outside that I farted snowflakes"

"It was so cold that Dunkin' Donuts was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that grandpa's teeth chattered -- and they were still in the glass"

"It was so cold that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I enjoyed it when someone spilled hot coffee on my lap"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that opticians were giving away ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses"

"It was so cold that pickpockets were sticking hands in strangers' pockets to keep them warm"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that the cops were tasering themselves"

"It was so cold that the Times Square hookers charged $20 just to blow on your hands"

"It was so cold that we didn't clean the house -- we just defrosted it"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords"

"It was so hot in New York that fat guys were making their own gravy"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw squirrels fanning their nuts"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw two people give each other personal space"

"It was so hot in New York that I walked past Grant's Tomb -- and the door was open"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was supposed to be a battle against the pandemic to protect the people..."

"It was supposed to be a fight against the pandemic to protect the people..."

"It was the best of shires, it was the Worcestershire’s"

"It was the best of shires, it was the worst of shires" (Worcestershire’s)

"It was the bestestershire, it was the worcestershire"

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark" (planning proverb)

"It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it"

"It will fluctuate" (J. Pierpont Morgan?)

"It will take an act of Congress" (idiom)

"Italian by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Italian Hot Dog

Italian Hurricane (spaghetti with garlic sauce)

Italian Ice

Italian Sandwich

Italian Sandwich ("big sandwich" from Angelo Basso)

"Italians eat ham with melon, but flip out about pineapple on pizza"

"Italians eat prosciutto e melone, but draw the line at pineapple on pizza"

Ithaca: "Ithaca is 10 square miles, surrounded by reality"

Ithaca: Ithaca is Gorges (slogan)

Ithaca: Little Apple (nickname)

"It'll be greater later" (motivational saying)

"It'll get greater later" (motivational saying)

"It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?"

"It's 100 and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's 110 degrees, but it's a dry heat" (Texas heat joke)

"It's 25 or 6 to 4 somewhere"

"It's a Bill of Rights, not a Bill of Needs"

"It's a child, not a choice"

"It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it"

"It's a free country!"

"It's a good book, but everyone gets killed in the end" (Pete Gent on Dallas Cowboys playbook)

"It's a good day when you're looking down at the grass instead of up at the roots"

"It's a great day for a baseball game -- let's play two!"

"It's a great day to curl up with a book, then ignore it because, ya know, the internet"

"It's a great game, but a crappy business"

"It's a great time to walk in a cemetery. It's guaranteed that everybody is at least 6 feet away"

"It's a hundred and fuck dat degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck that degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck this degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck this shit degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hundred and fuck you degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's a hybrid. It burns gas and oil" (bumper sticker)

"It's a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish"

"It’s a leap year so whatever you do today won’t show up on social media memories for another four years"

"It’s a leap year so whatever you do tomorrow won’t show up on social media memories for another four years"

"It's a legal system, not a justice system"

"It's a little early for a cocktail. When did you start drinking?"/"March."

It's A Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

"It's a piece of cake...marble cake...with real marbles"

"It's a proven fact that criminals commit less crime after they've been shot"

"It's a slow process, but quitting won't speed it up"

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it"

"It's a Texas Thing" ("It's a Texas Thang")

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward" (boxing adage)

"It's about time I got out of that cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's about time I got out of this cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'"

"It's all about the rings" (winning championships over money)

"It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth. Then it's hockey"

"It's all right to drink like a fish — if you drink what a fish drinks"

"It's almost time to put away my black summer clothes and bring out my black fall clothes"

"It's almost time to put away my black winter clothes and bring out my black spring clothes"

"It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety"

"It's almost time to switch from your everyday anxiety to your fancy Christmas anxiety"

"It's always 25 or 6 to 4 somewhere"

"It's always better to be a pallbearer than to be a body"

"It's always better to sacrifice your opponent's pieces" (chess adage)

"It's always leg day at a spider gym"

"It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!"

"It's amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over"

"It's amazing how much you can accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over"

"It's amazing that the thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing"

"It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple!" (Madagascar film, 2005)

"It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's going on"

"It's been brought to my attention that I have offended some of you. I apologize..."

"It's been one hell of a party" (Larry McMurtry's "Lonesome Dove")

"It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas"

"It's better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six" (police saying)

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

"It's better to have lived in New Orleans and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to have lived in New York and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to have lived in Texas and moved than to never have lived here at all"

"It's better to know the judge than to know the law"

"It’s better to sweat in the gym than to bleed in the streets"

"It's breakfast time somewhere"

"It's called a Bundt cake because it has a Bundt hole"

"It's called a meme. It's like a cartoon, but made by sad people that can't draw"

"It's called a meme. It's like a little digital seed of truth..."

"It's called a meme. It's like an inside joke, but for people that ain't got no friends"

"It's called a smart city because if they called it a concentration camp..."

"It's called 'celery' because 'cold, wet plant bones' takes too long"

"It's called gradualism because it gradually removes your freedoms"

"It’s called Gross Pay because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made..."

"It's called quiche because 'egg pie' sounds like something you'd look up on Urban Dictionary"

"It's called summer water. It's just like normal water, but has margarita in it"

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it"

"It's called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before I can tolerate you"

"It's called Tuesday because I need two cups of coffee before tolerating humans"

"It's cheaper to send a kid to Yale than it is to jail"

"It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve"

"It's coffee o'clock"

"It's crooked, but it's the only game in town"

"It's darkest before dawn, so that's the best time to steal a neighbor's newspaper"

"It's Delta variant if it's from the Delta region of India. Otherwise it's just sparkling Covid-19"

"It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells sea shells by the sea shore"

"It's disrespectful outside"

"It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled"

"It's easier to get to the top than it is to stay there"

"It’s easy being a communist in a free country. Try being free in a communist country"

"It's easy to be a communist in a free country. But try being free in a communist country"

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the express lane"

"It's five o'clock somewhere" (drinking saying)

"It’s Friday and I’m thirsty"

"It's Friday...any plan of being a productive member of society is officially thrown out the window"

"It's Friday! Don't forget to be fabulous!"

"It's Friday. I can't wait to get home and pour myself some dinner"

"It’s Friday! Just look busy until it’s time for wine"

"It's Friday!!!! Sorry, just practicing for tomorrow"

"It’s Friday, time to go make stories for Monday"

"It's Friday! Time to work! And by work I mean drink coffee and pretend to look busy!"

"It's Friday! Time to work! And by work I mean drink coffee and pretend to look busy!"

"It's Friday. Walk in. Fuck shit up. Walk out"

"It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice..."

"It’s funny how people get so angry in traffic on the way to work..."

"It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies"

"It's great to be young and a Yankee"

"It's happy hour somewhere"

"It's hard to beat a team three times in one season" (sports adage)

"It's hard to save money when food is always flirting with me"

"It's harder to defend a title than it is to win it"

"It's hell nah degrees outside"

"It's hell naw degrees outside"

"It's hell no degrees outside"

"It's hell to the nah degrees outside"

"It's hell to the nah nah nah degrees outside"

"It's hell to the naw degrees outside"

"It's hell to the naw naw degrees outside"

"It's hot tonight. I think I'll sleep with the window open. *207 mosquitoes liked your post*

"It's IKEA's birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk"

"It’s illegal to sell stocks from inside a bath of sparkling apple juice. In cider trading"

"It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money" (poker adage)

"It's important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself why you don't"

"It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't"

"It's impossible to make half a sandwich"

"It's impossible to predict the past" (joke)

"It's impossible to run with a backpack without looking like an idiot"

"It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving"

"It's ironic that pregnant women drink virgin cocktails"

"It's ironic that pregnant women can only order virgin drinks"

"It's ironic that pregnant women order virgin cocktails at the bar"

"It's July 8th and people are still shooting off fireworks. One almost caught our Christmas tree"

"It's June 1st! We're all dismayed"

"'It's June already?!' said Tom, dismayed"

"It's just a hill -- get over it!" (running and cycling aphorism)

"It's just a job. I beat people up" (boxing)

"It’s just as easy to buy a scientist as it is to buy a politician"

"It’s just as easy to buy scientists as it is to buy politicians"

"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one"

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"

"It's kind of funny how there's never lines at water park restrooms"

"It's kind of shitty that we basically pay politicians to tell us to go fuck ourselves"

"It's like I'm 16 again. $5 is gas money & we all grounded" (quarantine joke)

"It's like winter is mad and keeps storming out, then coming back yelling 'And another thing!'"

"It's like winter is really mad and keeps storming out of the room and then coming back..."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"

"It's Monday. Don't forget to be awesome"

"It's Monday: Get up. Drink coffee. Be happy. Do great things. Stay positive"

"It's Monday. Grab some coffee and be awesome"

"It's Monday. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, teachers. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, wine a little"

"It's More Bueno" (Taco Bueno)

It's Mostly Fiscal or It's Mainly Fiscal (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"It’s my God-given right to be an atheist"

"It’s never a good thing to be greeted with 'Thank goodness you’re here'"

"It's never been worth zero!" (gold advertisement)

"It's never good when a safety is your team's leading tackler" (football adage)

"It's never too early to change the oil" (automotive adage)

"It's never too late to start exercising. That's why I'm waiting until later"

"It's never your successful friends posting the communist quotes"

"It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes"

"It's never your successful friends sharing the socialist propaganda. -- George Washington"

"It's never your super successful friends posting the inspirational quotes"

"It's New Year's Eve, not New Year's Steve"

"It's nice outside. I think I'll sit out on the patio *207 mosquitos liked your post*"

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

"It's nice to see Blood oranges and Cripps apples side-by-side in harmony in produce"

"It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be"

"It's no longer 5 o'clock somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere, so drink whenever you want"

"It's no long a question of staying healthy; it's finding a sickness you like"

"It's no longer called 'box wine' -- the classy term is 'Cardboardeaux'"

"It's not a bailout unless it comes from the Baile region of France..."

"It's not a booster, it's a 3rd shot of something that didn't work the first 2 times!"

"It's not a booster. It's the 3rd shot of a product that already failed twice"

"It's not a booster. It's the third shot of a product that already failed twice"

"It's not a matter of what is true that counts, but a matter of what is perceived to be true"

"It's not a recession. It's a robbery"

"It's not a recession unless it's from the Recession region of France..." (joke)

"It's not a stock market, but a market of stocks" (Wall Street saying)

"It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it, then feel really sad around 8 p.m."

"It’s not a Sunday unless you totally waste the whole day"

"It's not about safety. It's about control"

"It's not brain surgery"

"It’s not drinking alone if the dog is home"

"It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant"

"It's not failure. It's unfinished success"

"It's not fair that coffee stains your teeth brown, but milk doesn't stain them white"

"It's not fall without football" (autumn saying)

"It's not fitness. It's life" (Equinox)

"It's not gay if it's the TSA"

"It's not gay if it's TSA"

"It's not government work unless you have to do it twice"

"It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere"

"It's not hoarding if it's wine. It's a collection"

"It's not how big the house is. It's how happy the home is"

"It's not how big you are, it's how big you play"

"It's not how good you are. It's how bad you want it"

"It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be"

"It's not how you drive; it's how you arrive" (golf adage)

"It's not leaking oil, it's sweating power" (bumper sticker)

"It's not multiple personality disorder, it's a theatre degree!"

"It's not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes"

"It's not my fault I have a double chin. When God was giving out chins..." (gin joke)

"It's not over until you shake hands" (hockey, tennis adage)

"It's not red versus blue. It's the state versus you"

"It's not red vs. blue. It's the state vs. you"

"It's not rocket salad"

"It's not rocket science"

"It's not that I can't speak until I've had my coffee. It's just that my words are buffering..."

"It's not that the majority are silent. It's that the media are silent about the majority"

"It's not that the majority is silent. It's that the media is silent about the majority"

"It's not the crime, it's the cover-up"

"It’s not the government’s job to protect my health. Its job is to protect my rights"

"It's not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes"

"It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours"

"It's not the minutes at the table that make you fat -- it's the seconds"

"It's not the virus they want to control. It's us"

"It's not the virus they want to control. It's you"

"It’s not the will to win that matters—everyone has that. It’s the will to prepare to win"

"It's not the X's and O's, it's the Jimmys and Joes"

"It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on"

"It's not what is poured into a student that counts, but what is planted"

"It's not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's that makes you fat..."

"It's not what you know, but who you know"

"It's not what you make, it's what you keep"

"It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame"

"It's not who you know, it's whom you know"

"It's not your job to like me -- it's mine"

"It's not your job to love me -- it's mine"

"It's offensive when cashiers look at money like it's fake" (joke)

"It’s officially 'once I get home I ain’t coming back out' season"

"It's officially 'once I'm home I'm not coming back out' season"

"It’s officially 'once I’m home I’m not going out again' season"

"It's officially that 'wear a sweater in the morning regret it in the afternoon' type of weather"

"It's officially 'wear a sweater in the morning and regret it in the afternoon' weather"

"It's often hard to discern the difference between Texas Tough and Texas Stupid" (Molly Ivins)

"It's OK, funds. I'm insufficient too"

"It's OK not to be OK. Some days are just harder than others"

"It's ok to mix peas and corn, but don't call it 'porn'"

"It's okay, funds. I'm insufficient too"

"It’s okay if you don’t know what 'prefix' means. It’s not the end of the word"

"It's okay if you fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them"

"It's okay password, I'm insecure too"

"It's okay to fall apart sometimes, Tacos do, and we still love them"

"It's one hundred and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"It's only a gambling addiction if you keep losing. Otherwise, it's a high paying career"

"It's only baklava if it is above ground, otherwise it's bakmagma"

"It's only 'Cancel Culture' if it comes from the Cancella region of France. Otherwise it's just Sparkling Consequences"

"It's only moaning if it's from the Moan region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling whine"

"It's only money"

"It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math"

"It's only poetry if it's from the Poet region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling whine"

"It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France" (joke)

"It’s only sour grapes if it's from the Sourgrape region. Otherwise it’s just sparkling whine"

"It's only the ball that's soft" (softball saying)

"It's only Tuesday? Monday took so long, I thought it was Wednesday!"

"It’s only turkey if it’s from the farm region of Turkey. Otherwise, it’s sparkling chicken"

"It's our currency, but it's your problem" ("It's our dollar, but it's your problem")

"It’s pretty easy to make a deep dish pizza. It’s like a pizza cake"

It's Probably Overpriced (Initial Public Offering or IPO nickname)

"It’s Question Period, not Answer Period"

"It’s quite hot tonight, might have to sleep with an open window! *39 mosquitos liked your post*"

"It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake"

"It's Robinson Crusoe's favorite shopping day" (Black Friday)

"It's Saturday. I plan on doing nothing and plenty of it"

"It's Saturday! The only decision you need to make is bottle or glass"

"It's sherbert day" (sherbet + birthday)

"It's showtime!" ("It's show time!")

"It's showtime at the Apollo" (Harlem's Apollo Theater)

"It's sick out there and getting sicker" (Bob Grant)

"It's smart to be thrifty" (Macy's); "Nobody undersells Gimbels" (Gimbels)

"It's smart to save money; some day it may be worth something"

"It's so damn cold outside that I just saw a deer fart a snowflake"

"It's so dry, the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens" (Texas heat joke)

'It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it"

"It's so hot the crackheads are putting the copper back in the A.C. units"

"It's so hot, the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the trees are whistling for dogs" (heat joke)

"It's so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it"

"It's so hot tweakers are putting the copper back into air conditioners"

"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem"

"It's so strange to think that before Facebook, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's so strange to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's spring. Don't forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on..."

"It’s spring. Don’t forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on…"

"It's strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down"

"It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread"

"It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother — the world calls her grandmother"

"It's tea time somewhere"

"It's that time of year where people will say, 'It's too hot for coffee'"

"It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie or..."

"It's the Bill of Rights, not the Bill of Needs"

"It's the dream, the Big Apple" (Howard Stern's Private Parts film, 1997)

"It's the economy, stupid"

"It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good"

"It's the jab, stupid"

"It's the Jewish new year 5768 and I still write 5767 on my checks" (joke)

"It's the last thing you take off and the first thing that is noticed" (cowboy hat)

"It's the most wonderful time to drink beer"

"It's the notes you don't play that matter" (jazz adage)

"It's the punch you don't see coming that knocks you out" (boxing adage)

"It's the thought that counts"

"It’s the weekend, baby! Might mess around and use a different setting on the washing machine"

"It's Thursday, or as I like to call it: Day 4 of the hostage situation"

"It's Thursday, which is 'Friday Eve' in Optimisian"

"It's time for Dodger baseball!" (Vin Scully catchphrase)

"It's time for many people to be arrested suddenly"

"It's time, not timing" (Wall Street adage)

"It's time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside"

"It's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out"

"It's too bad that banks don't ever hand out free samples"

"It's unlucky to be behind at the end of a game"

"It's unsticking your thighs from plastic chairs season"

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office"

"It's very difficult to beat the market when you are the market"

"It's weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It’s weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb stuff stayed in people’s heads"

"It's weird to think that before Twitter, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts"

"I've almost finished my sandwich filling degree. I do my final eggs ham tomorrow"

"I've always wanted to get a manatee."/"Thank you. Two sugars, please"

"I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread"

"I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"I've been a fan of Gazpacho soup since before it was cool"

"I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors want it back"

"I've been cutting carbs lately -- with a pizza cutter"

"I've been exercising using dictionaries, and I'm finally starting to see some definition"

"I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program"

"I've been hitting 'remind me tomorrow' on a computer update for the last 68 years"

"I've been keeping an eye on my spending and from what I can see I'm pretty good at it"

"I've been keeping an eye on my spending. From what I can see I'm very, very good at it"

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days"

"I've been on hold so long that I can't remember who I've called"

"I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better"

"I've been social distancing for years...mostly because of restraining orders"

"I've been standing under citrus trees all day. I feel sublime!"

"I've been staying in a four-star hotel. It was ****"

"I've been studying the metric system lately. It's in tenths"

"I've been thrown out of better places than this!"

"I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but good players are hard to find"

"I've been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat"

"I've been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat"

"I've been 'watching my weight' and, rest assured, it's still there"

"I've been watching my weight. It's still there"

"I've been watching the Origami Channel. It's paper view"

"I've benedicted to Eggs Benedict"

"I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip'"

"I've come to the conclusion buying art supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've come to the conclusion buying craft supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've come to the conclusion, the bigger the Cheerio, the better it tastes" (donut saying)

"I've cut down on my drinking and now I only have one drink before going to bed..."

"I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one vodka before going to bed..."

"I’ve cut down on my drinking and now only have one whiskey before going to bed..."

"I’ve decided to dress as a different bread every day next week. Roll on Monday"

"I've decided to invest all my money in soup stocks. I want to be a bouillonaire"

"I've decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, I'm sorry but I've moved on"

"I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B"

"I've decided to start calling my toilet Jim instead of John. I go to the Jim every morning"

"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS"

"I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering"

"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work"

"I've failed math so many times I can't even count"

"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes"

"I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family"

"I've got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron"

"I've got a fruit fetish. Well, that's according to my currant girlfriend"

"I’ve got a funny joke about gymnastics, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

I've got a hunch that I don't have any money left over after paying for college. It's all intuition"

"I've got a job as part of a human chess board. I'm on knights this week"

"I’ve got a joke about yoga, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

"I've got a million of 'em" (comedy saying)

"I've got a pen and a phone" (executive authority)

"I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex"

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"

"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it"

"I've got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate"

"I've got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon"

"I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander"

"I've got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday"

"I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it's terminal"

"I've got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness..." (work joke)

"I've grown to hate low ceilings"

"I'VE HAD IT WITH CAPITALISM. i think i'll give lowercaseism a try"

"I’ve had so much coffee today I can see noises"

"I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for $100. Is that two deer?"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"

"I've just been on Trip Advisor. There's no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee"

"I've just booked a table for Valentine's Day. I hope she likes pool"

"I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen I'm not covered"

"I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery. I'm in a world of pain"

"I've just found out that my Indian name is Chugalottajava"

"I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn't do sundaes"

"I've just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos"

"I've just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one in this elevator seems to like it"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this bus seems to like it"

"I've just released my own fragrance. But no one on this train seems to like it"

"I’ve just released my own fragrance. Nobody in the car seemed to like it"

"I've just seen a very confusing book -- 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'"

"I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good. I'm on knights this week"

"I've just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax"

"I've just watched a film that was set around a tea plantation in India. It was rated PG"

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more"

"I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake"

"I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head. It's a loaf hat diet"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I’ve mixed I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter with butter & now I don’t know what to believe!"

"I've never been able to count to ten in French because of my huit allergy"

"I've never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree"

"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's like when the waiter brings your food"

"I've never seen a cave drawing of a salad. We eat meat!"

"I’ve never seen a juice box, but I hear they pack a punch"

"I've never seen a tombstone that said, 'Died from not forwarding a chain email'"

"I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That's just beneath me"

"I've never understood the point in fire blankets" (joke)

"I've noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed"

"I've open sourced my French Revolution joke. It's royalty free"

"I've reached the age where 'Happy Hour' is a nap"

"I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty"

"I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant. Absolute game changer"

"I’ve robbed banks before…and they’re never getting their pens back"

"I've set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous"

"I’ve spent 2 weeks hanging out with myself and i am so sorry to every person i spent time with"

"I’ve started a band and called it 'Books.' So no one can judge us by our covers"

"I've started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit"

"I've started drinking my coffee out of a clear mug, so people know where my tolerance level is at"

"I’ve started telling about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s about raisin awareness"

"I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when"

"I've studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand"

"I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux collie"

"I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes"

"I've worn this for 20 years and it still fits."/"It's a scarf."

J-E-T-S (Just End The Season)

J-E-T-S (Just End The Suffering)

J-E-T-S (Just Exit The Stadium)

"I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work" (joke)

J. P. Moron (JPMorgan Chase nickname)

J & R

Jabbatoir (vaccination site)

Jabbo (vaccine jab)

Jabby Dodger or Jabbydodger (vaccination jab + dodger)

Jabbydodger or Jabby Dodger (vaccination jab + dodger)

Jabcab (ambulance)

Jabits Center (Javits Center used as a vaccination site)

"Jack and Jill work together in an office (joke)

Jack Frost

Jack (GAC=grilled American cheese); Jack Benny/Jack Back (grilled American cheese with bacon)

Jack Heights (Jackson Heights)

Jack in the Crack (Jack in the Box nickname)

Jack Rose (cocktail)

Jackalope Dog (hot dog of rabbit, antelope and pork)

"Jackie has 2 bottles of wine. She buys 2 more. What does Jackie have now? Happiness"

Jackpot Fatigue

Jacobs Beach (West 49th Street and Eighth Avenue)

Jacob's Rail (Veloway in Austin)

Jacques Penné or Jean Claude Penné or Jacques Pennay (JCPenney nickname)

JAG (Just A Guy)

Jaikishan Heights (Jackson Heights)

Jail Bait (Jail-bait; Jailbait)

"Jailed musicians anxiously await their next release"

Jalapeño (State Pepper)

Jalapeno Bottle Caps (Jalapeno Bottlecaps)

Jalapeño Chicken (Chinese restaurant recipe)

Jalapeño Cornbread (Jalapeño Corn Bread)

Jalapeño Cream Cheese

Jalapeño Jelly

Jalapeño Pie

Jalapeño Soup (Cream of Jalapeño Soup; Avocado-Jalapeño Soup; Potato Jalapeño Soup)

Jalapiña (drink)

Jamaican (inhabitant of Jamaica, Queens)

Jambalaya

James Cagney Love Scene

"James Joyce walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

JAMS (Jamaica Arts and Music Summer Festival)

Jamwich (jam + sandwich)

Jana Hunsaker Memorial Wheelchair Tennis Tournament

"Janet Street-Porter walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

JANFU (Joint Army Navy Foul-Up)

"Janitors who work in skyscrapers are high maintenance"

"Janssen wants to see you!" (Janssen's Hofbrau Haus)

"January is the Monday of the year"

"January (n.) A giant Monday"

"January was a tough year, but we made it through"

Japanese Horseradish (wasabi)

Japs (short for "jalapeños")

Jargarita (jar + margarita)

Jaspers (Manhattan College teams)

Jassack Band (Jackass Band; Jazzack)

Jassack (jackass)

JAVax (Javits Center used as a vaccination site; Javits + vax)

Javelina or Jabalina or Javalina or Mexican hog (collared peccary)

Jawbreaker (sandwich)

Jaywalker (Jay Walker); Jaywalking (Jay Walking)

Jazz Brunch

JCPenneystock (JCPenney nickname)

JD (chocolate milk)

"Jeet jet?" / "No, jew?"

"Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Jeffrey Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" (EDKH or JEDKH)

Jefftown (Jefferson Avenue, Bushwick, Brooklyn)

"Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween" (joke)

"Jello is just boneless bones"

Jelly Bean

"Jellybeans imply the existence of peanut butter beans"

Jenga Building (56 Leonard Street)

"Jenga is the most depressing game. There are no winners. Just one loser who fucks everything up"

"Jerk Chicken: Shut the fuck up. Chicken Tender: *just starts crying*"

Jerkocrat (jerk + bureaucrat/Democrat)

JerryWorld or Jerry World or Jerry's World (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Jerrydome or Jerry Dome (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Jerrytron (Cowboys Stadium television screen, named after owner Jerry Jones)

Jersey Breakfast or Triple Bypass (Taylor Pork Roll, Egg & Cheese)

Jersey Italian Gravy

Jersey Lightning

Jersey Lightning (cocktail; punch)

"Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant..."

Jesus Chicken (Chick-fil-A nickname)

Jesus fucking Murphy (exclamation)

Jesus H. Murphy (exclamation)

"Jesus holds up the bread..." (joke)

"Jesus is the reason for the season" (Christmas saying)

Jesus Murphy (exclamation)

Jesus Murphy and Joseph (exclamation)

"Jesus saves, but the Mongol hordes" ("Jesus saves, but the Mongol hoards")

"Jesus Saves, Moses Invests"

"Jesus turns water into wine. I turn wine into vomit"

"Jesus walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Jesus walks into a bar. The barman looks up..." (bar joke)

"Jesus wasn't a socialist. He actually fed people"

"Jet lag is for amateurs"

"Jet ski hair, don't care"

JetFU (JetBlue nickname)

Jets (NFL football team)

Jevver (did you ever)

Jew Gardens (Kew Gardens)

Jew World Order (Jew + New World Order); JWO

Jew York (Jew + New York); Hymietown

Jew York Times (New York Times nickname)

Jewdiciary (Jew + judiciary)

Jewel in the Valley Crown (McAllen slogan)

Jewel of Jamaica (Rochdale Village)

Jewel of the Corridor (San Marcos slogan)

Jewel of the Forest (Jasper slogan)

Jewel of the Highland Lakes (Lake Travis)

Jewel of the Texas Hill Country (Fredericksburg slogan)

Jewel of the Texas Panhandle (Santa Fe Railroad Building in Amarillo)

Jewgle or Joogle (Jew + Google)

Jewish Alps (Washington Heights)

Jewish Champagne (Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda, seltzer)

"Jewish dropout: A boy who didn't get his Ph.D."

Jewish Fruitcake or Jewish Gingerbread (lekach - honey cake)

Jewish Glitter (the toppings on an everything bagel)

Jewish Penicillin

Jewish Piano (a cash register)

Jewish Rye Bread

Jewish Telegram ("Start worrying -- details to follow")

Jewish Time

Jewish Woodstock

Jewluminati or Jewlluminati or Jooluminati (Jew + Illuminati)

"Jews are news"

"Jews earn like Episcopalians and vote like Puerto Ricans"

"Jews is news"

Jewtropolis (Jew + metropolis)

JewTube or JooTube (Jew + YouTube)

Jewyorican or Juyorican (Jew + Nuyorican)

Jexit (Jewish/Jews + exit)

Jexodus (Jewish/Jews + exodus)

Jezebel Sauce

Jianbing (Chinese crepes)

Jiaozi (Chinese dumpling)

Jibjab (vaccine jab)

Jimmy Award (National High School Musical Theater Award)

"Jimmy Buffett implies the existence of Jimmy A La Carte"

Jimplecute (Jimpsecute)

"Jingle bell rock implies the existence of jingle bell paper and jingle bell scissors"

"Jingle bell rock implies the existence of jingle bell ska"

"Jingle bells, Batman smells"

Jingle Mail

JINO (Jewish In Name Only)

Jints (Giants)

Jitterbug (Jitter Bug)

Jo Jo Potatoes (JoJo Potatoes)

Job Lock (Joblock)

"Job: n. temporary employment taken for short term needs"

"Job offers be like: 'We need a virgin with 2 years experience in sex'"

"Job offers be like: 'We need a virgin with 2 years of sexual experience'"

Jobber (job + truther; a jobs number conspiracy theorist)

"Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry"

"Jobs should higher you weather you have a fella knee or a mister meaner"

"Jobs that don't exist anymore: 1. Steve"

Jobsolete (job + obsolete)

Jock Cosplay (fans wearing sports jerseys)

Jock Tax

Jockularity (jock + jocularity)

Joe Bag of Donuts (Joe Bag o' Donuts)

Joe Citizen or John Citizen (Jane Citizen)

Joe College

Joe Doakes

Joe Frogger (cookie)

Joe O'Malley (Irish coffee)

Joe Sixpack (Jane Sixpack)

Joe Taxpayer or John Taxpayer (Jane Taxpayer)

Joe Voter or John Voter (Jane Voter)

"Jogging combines my 2 favorite things: gasping for air and looking stupid"

"John 3:16" (sports usage)

John Chinaman (John Confucius)

John Q. Public (Jane Q. Public)

Johnny-on-a-Pony (Johnny-Ride-a-Pony)

Johnny Pump

"Johnny thought that H2O was H2SO4" (chemistry rhyme)

Johnson City, Binghamton, Endicott: Triple Cities

"Join a union, because its very unlikely three ghosts will appear and scare your boss"

"Join the 2 day challenge. No alcohol on February 30 and 31"

"Join the 3 day challenge. No alcohol on February 29, 30 and 31"

"Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them"

"Joined a 'fear of buffets' help group. I was warned against signing up, but I couldn't help myself"

Jokelahoma (Oklahoma nickname)

Joker Stairs (1165 Shakespeare Avenue, Bronx)

"Jokes about bad pole-vaulters don't seem to go over very well"

"Jokes about German sausage are the wurst"

"Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar -- Demerara"

Jolly Green Giant (McGraw-Hill Building)

"Jonathan and Granny Smith fell in love and lived appley ever after"

"Jones" (a craving) and Great Jones Alley/Street

Jones Mahal or JonesMahal (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Joos (spelling of "Jews")

"José, can you see" ("Star-Spangled Banner" mondegreen)

"Journalists do it daily"

"Journalism: A profession to explain to others what it personally does not understand"

"Journalism consists in buying white paper at two cents a pound and selling it at ten cents a pound"

"Journalism is about covering important stories. With a pillow, until they stop moving"

"Journalism is literature in a hurry"

"Journalists become journalists because they aren't any good at math" (journalism adage)

Journey Always Late or Just Arrives Late (Japan Airlines or JAL backronymic nickname)

Journey Of the Broke ("job" backronym)

Joy of Sake

Joyflation (joy + deflation/inflation)

J. P. Morgue (JPMorgan Chase nickname)

JPig (JPMorgan Chase nickname)

Juan Smith (El Paso's "John Q. Public")

Judas Steer

"Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus" (joke)

"Judge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets" (joke)

"Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets" (joke)

"Judge, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man"

Jughead

Juice Box (Minute Maid Park nickname)

Juice Crawl

"July is a blind date with summer"

"July is like the Saturday of summer"

Jumbleberry Pie (Jumble Berry Pie)

Jumbo State (Texas nickname)

Jumbotron

Jump City (New Orleans nickname)

"June is almost over? Julying"

"June is like the Friday of summer"

"June is over already? Julying"

"June over? Julying"

"June's over? Julying"

Juneteenth (June 19th, or Emancipation Day)

Jungle Alley (West 133rd Street)

"Junior Mints are just mini York Peppermint Patties"

"Junior Mints are just small York Peppermint Patties"

"Junior Mints implies the existence of Freshman, Sophomore and Senior Mints"

"Junior Mints implies the existence of Senior Mints"

"Junior Mints imply the existence of Senior Mints"

Junk Food

"Junk is something you keep for years, then throw away two weeks before you actually need it"

Junket

"Junkies snort curry powder instead of cocaine. One's now in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka"

Jurassic Park (Morgan Stanley office for its older bankers)

"Jurassic restaurants always make the diner sore"

"Just a reminder that mammogramming your boobs is more important than Instagramming them"

"Just a reminder that you still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the last minute"

"Just a two-step back in time" (Coupland Inn and Dancehall)

"Just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine. It cost me an arm and a leg"

"Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was 'reduced fat' so it was basically like going to the gym"

"Just because I give you advice doesn’t mean I know more than you"

"Just because my pizza consists of 12 slices doesn't mean I need 11 new friends"

"Just because you beat the man, it doesn't make you the man"

"Just because you don't take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't in you"

"Just because you pour syrup on something doesn't make it pancakes"

"Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies"

"Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies"

"Just been sacked as an ice cream tester. I refused to do Sundaes"

"Just booked a table for Valentine's Day. I hope she likes snooker"

"Just bought some Viagra tea bags. They stop your biscuit from going soft"

"Just call me the little engine that said, 'OK, but I need some coffee first'"

"Just changed my password to '14days' but it said it was too weak"

"Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone getting text messages for Christmas"

"Just Dance implies the existence of Unjust Dance"

"Just don't get how people afford life without a job. I can't even afford it with a job"

"Just drove past a road sign that read, 'Beware Hidden Dip.' I hope it’s garlic"

Just Dumb ("J.D." backronym)

"Just for the halibut" ("just for the hell of it" euphemism)

"Just found out I've failed my German exam. Sacre bleu!"

"Just found out there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp. Guess there's no reason to try pot roast"

"Just gave my hamster a coffee because I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel"

"Just gone online for a video conference call. A can of corned beef popped up on my screen. Must be a zoom meat tin"

"Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO"

"Just got kicked out of the hospital for telling the Covid patients to stay positive"

"Just got the perfect tool for making a good Indian flat bread. It's a naan stick pan"

"Just had a Belgian waffle. Next, I'm going to make him dance"

"Just had coffee so strong that it woke up my ancestors"

"Just had lunch at a Christian restaurant called 'The Lord Giveth.' They also do takeaways"

"Just had my car waxed. No idea how it gets so hairy"

"Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits'"

"Just like New York" ("Just like downtown")

"Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise ..." (joke)

"Just Like You Like It" (Whataburger slogan)

"Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur"

"Just opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time and was completely shocked"

Just Over Broke ("job" backronym)

"Just paid my taxes. The roads should be fixed any day now"

"Just passed my cheerleading exam. I went in to the exam room and said 'Give me an A!' so they did"

"Just received my master's degree in garden fencing. I’m now a post graduate"

"Just remember who will always be there for you. DISHES. They will literally always be there"

"Just renewed my gin membership"

"Just saw loads of pears at a meeting. They must be Conference pears"

"Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. He was working from home"

"Just so we're clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community"

"Just so we're clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair"

"Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas" (Dixie Chicks)

"Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on"

"Just spilt coffee on my new pants. They're cappuchinos now"

"Just text us when you're here. There's no need to knock and get the dogs involved"

"Just to be clear, none of this matters if there is a virus" (said at Constitutional Convention)

"Just to be clear, we have all agreed that liquor stores are 'essential' and schools are not"

"Just tried some vegan mayo, it wasn't bad. Made the chicken sandwich taste lovely"

"Just tried to buy toilet paper, but the grocery store’s supply was wiped out"

"Just trying to find the YEE to my HAW, and I keep finding the HELL to my NAW"

"Just turned wine into vomit. Your move, Jesus"

"Just walked past a sign that read, 'This fire door is alarmed'" (joke)

"Just when I'm on the verge of growing cynical about our society I see an old woman smile and..."

"Just when you find the key to the market, they change the locks"

"Justice is a dish best served cold" (otherwise, just-ice would probably melt)

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are"

K-Fart or Kfart (Kmart nickname)

Kabbouleh (kale + tabbouleh)

Kaboom Town (Addison nickname)

Kaeng Pa (Thai Jungle Curry)

Kafkatrapping

Kakistocracy

"Kale is just collard greens for white people"

"Kale is just hipster lettuce"

"Kale is so versatile"

"Kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can"

"Kale is so versatile... it literally fits into any size trash can"

"Kale is so versatile. You can add it to pretty much any dish if you're looking to ruin it"

Kale (money slang)

Kale Slaw (kale + cole slaw)

"Kale tastes like I'd rather be fat"

Kalemole (kale + guacamole)

"Kombucha is hippie Gatorade"

"Kombucha is just a non-alcoholic IPA"

Kangaroo Court

Kansas: Sunflower State (nickname)

Kan't Find the Chicken (KFC nickname)

Kan't Fry Chicken (KFC nickname)

Kan't Fucking Cook (KFC nickname)

Kapas (Korean tapas)

Kapeesh (Italian for "understand")

Kapusta Soup (Polish Cabbage Soup or Sauerkraut Soup)

"Karma is a bitch"

Kate and Sidney Pie (steak and kidney pie)

"Katz's Never Kloses" (Katz's Deli and Bar slogan)

Katsudon (tonkatsu + donburi)

Katy Kornettes

Katyite (inhabitant of Katy)

Kaya Toast

"Keep Abilene Boring"

"Keep Austin Weird"

"Keep cake moist by eating it all in one sitting"

"Keep calm and gobble on"

"Keep Calm and Never Say Macbeth" (or "Keep Calm and Never Say M*cbeth")

"Keep calm and pretend it's not Monday"

"Keep calm and pretend that tomorrow is not Monday" (Sunday saying)

"Keep College Station Normal"

"Keep Dallas Douche"

"Keep Dallas Plastic"

"Keep Dallas Pretentious"

"Keep Denton Chido"

"Keep Earth clean. It’s not Uranus"

Keep Educating Yourself ("key" backronym)

"Keep Georgetown Normal"

"Keep Houston Dirty"

"Keep in mind even during a pandemic, no matter how much chocolate you eat, earrings will still fit"

"Keep Lubbock Flat"

Keep New York Wet. Save Water (Dept. of Environmental Protection)

"Keep our planet clean. It’s not Uranus"

"Keep Portland Weird"

"Keep Round Rock Mildly Unusual"

"Keep San Antonio Lame"

"Keep Texas Wild"

"Keep the dream alive! Hit the snooze button"

"Keep the Earth clean. It’s not Uranus"

"Keep the planet clean. It’s not Uranus"

"Keep this planet clean. It’s not Uranus"

"Keep Waco Wacko"

"Keep Wimberley Weirder"

"Keep your business in town if you want to keep your town in business"

"Keep your cymbal jokes to yourself. We've heard them all a Zildjian times"

"Keep Your Eye Upon the Donut" (Optimist's Creed)

"Keep your ferns close and your anemones closer"

"Keep your friends close and your wine glass closer"

"Keep your friends close and your coffee closer"

"Keep your friends close and your coffee closer. They might steal it"

"Keep your friends close and your glass of wine closer"

"Keep your friends close, but your coffee closer"

"Keep your fronds close and your anemones closer"

"Keep your goals away from the trolls"

"Keep your government hands off my Medicare!"

"Keep your guns -- Come to Texas"

"Keep your head on a swivel" (football adage)

"Keep your heels, head & standards high"

"Keep your nose in your mask and out of my business"

"Keep your nose in your mask and out my business bitch"

"Keep your squats low and your standards high"

"Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect because of the indoor fins"

"Keeping Up With the Joneses"

Keeseville: Grand Canyon of the Adirondacks (Ausable Chasm nickname)

Kemp Morgan (legendary superhuman oil driller)

Ken-Taco-Hut

Kentucky: Corn-cracker (nickname)

Kentucky Nachos

Kentucky: Red Horse (nickname)

Kerosene Row

Kerrvert or Kervert (Kerrville resident or Kerrville folk festival enthusiast)

Kerrvillian (inhabitant of Kerrville)

Kerrvillite (inhabitant of Kerrville)

"Ketchup makes bad food better but good food worse"

"Keto diet? I thought you said taquito diet"

Key City (Abilene nickname)

Key Lime Pie

"Key lime pie implies the existence of lock lime pie"

"Key limes imply the existence of lock limes"

Key to the City

Keynesian Put

"KFC should sponsor a soccer team called Kentucky FC"

Khachapuri (Georgian cheese-filled bread)

"Kick ass and take names" ("Kicking ass and taking names")

"Kick the can (down the road)"

Kickback

Kicker (Shit-kicker or Shitkicker)

"Kicking sand on the beach is wrong, in some people's eyes"

Kid Cheater (spatula)

Kids In Satan's Service (KISS rock band name backronym)

"Kids in sports stay out of courts"

"Kids Prefer Cheese Over Fried Green Spinach" (taxonomy mnemonic)

Kiladelphia or Killadelphia (Philadelphia nickname)

"Kill for show and pass for dough" (handball/racquetball adage)

"Kill the body and the head will die" (boxing adage)

"Kill them with success and bury them with a smile"

Killa Hill or Killer Hill (Park Hill, Staten Island)

Killeenite (inhabitant of Killeen)

Killer Bee Capital of the World (Hidalgo nickname)

Killer County (Kings County Hospital Center)

Killing ("make a killing")

Killtown or Kill-Town (Killeen nickname)

Kilties (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"Kimchi is just Asian sauerkraut"

"Kimchi is just Korean sauerkraut"

"Kimchi is just spicy sauerkraut"

Kimchi Quesadilla

"Kind people are my kinda people"

"Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the front door opens"

"Kindness is like coffee. It awakens your spirit and improves your day. Fill your cup with both"

"Kindness is the new cool"

"Kindness not only makes the coffee. Kindness says good morning"

"Kindness not only says good morning. Kindness makes the coffee"

"King Arthur measures the size of his omelettes using his eggs caliper"

"King Henry Died By Doing Crystal Meth" (metric mnemonic)

"King Henry Died Monday Drinking Chocolate Milk" (metric mnemonic)

"King Henry Died Unexpectedly Drinking Chocolate Milk" (metric mnemonic)

"King Henry Doesn't Usually Drink Chocolate Milk" (metric mnemonic)

King Kong Roll

"King of Beverages" (Dr. Pepper slogan)

King of Condiments (ketchup; mustard; salsa; shoyu; Tabasco)

"King Philip Came Over For Good Soup" (taxonomy mnemonic)

"King Philip Came Over For Good Spaghetti" (taxonomy mnemonic)

King Ranch Casserole (King Ranch Chicken Casserole)

Kings (Brooklyn USBL basketball team)

Kings In Satan's Service (KISS rock band name backronym)

Kingsmen, Bridges (Brooklyn College teams)

Kiss Cam (camera showing fans kissing)

Kiss & Fly

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Short and Simple)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple and Straightforward)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Sweetie)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Small and Simple)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Stupid Simple)

"Kiss me, I'm Irish"

"Kiss me. It's midnight somewhere"

"Kiss my ace" (tennis/volleyball/cardplaying saying)

"Kissing a girl who smokes is like licking an ashtray"

"Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray"

"Kissing ass is a class I didn’t pass"

Kissing Gallery or Kissing Room (Biltmore Room at Grand Central Terminal)

Kissmyasserole (kiss my ass + casserole)

Kitchen Administration Fee (Kitchen Appreciation Fee; Kitchen Appreciation Charge)

Kitchen Appreciation Charge (Kitchen Appreciation Fee; Kitchen Administration Fee)

Kitchen Appreciation Fee (Kitchen Appreciation Charge; Kitchen Administration Fee)

"Kitchen closed due to illness: I am sick of cooking"

Kitchenista

"Kitchens and baths sell houses" (real estate adage)

Klobasnek or Klobasnik ("sausage kolache")

Knafcake (knafeh + cake)

"Knee-high by the Fourth of July" (corn-growing adage)

Knickerbocker City

Knickerbocker Glory (Knickerbocker Sundae)

Knickerbotchers (Knickerbockers or Knicks nickname)

Knicks (NBA basketball team)

Knife & Fork, Bottle & Cork Spell "New York"

Knightees (Queens College women's teams)

Knights in Satan's Service (KISS rock band name backronym)

Knights (Queens College teams)

Knish

Knish Alley

"Knishes are Jewish Hot Pockets"

Knishwich (knish + sandwich)

"Knives should be named chopsticks"

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"9/11."/"9/11 who?" (joke)

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"Brook."/"Brook who?"/"Brook-lyn Bridge."

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"Cash."/"Cash who?"

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"Cash."/"Cash who?"

"Knock, knock." / "Who's there?" / "Diploma."

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"Doctor."/"Doctor who?"

"Knock, knock." / "Who's there?" / "Queso." / "Queso who?" / "Queso mistaken identity."

"Knock, knock."/"Who's there?"/"Ya."/"Ya who?"/"Dot com."

"Knock off its horns, wipe its ass, and throw it on the plate" (Texan ordering "rare" steak)

"Knocking on the door" (close to a score)

Knoephla (soup)

Knork (knife + fork)

"Knot knot."/"Who is there?"/"Earphones."

"Know guns, no crime; no guns, know crime" ("No guns, no freedom; know guns, know freedom")

"Know thyself; if you need help, call the CIA"

"Know your worth. Then add tax"

Knowledge Empowers You ("key" backronym)

"Knowledge is free. You just gotta pay attention"

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad"

"Knowledge is knowing carrots are good for your eyes. Wisdom is knowing not to insert them directly"

"Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein is"

"Knowledge is like underwear -- have it, but don't show it off"

"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil"

"Knowledge is power, but enthusiasm pulls the switch"

"Knowledge is power. It doesn’t matter how many resources you have..."

"Knowledge is the greatest gift"

"Knowledge isn't free. You gotta pay attention"

"Knowledge isn't free. You have to pay attention"

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens"

"Knows where the bodies are buried" (to know inside information)

Knuckle Sandwich (punch in the mouth)

Kolache Capital of Texas (Caldwell); Home of the Official Kolache (West)

Kolache (Czech pastry)

"Kombucha is just Gatorade for people who do yoga"

"Kombucha is just hipster Gatorade"

"Kombucha is just spicy soda"

"Kombucha is the IPA version of juice"

Koodie (kid + foodie)

Korean Corn Dog

Korean Film Festival

Korean Taco

Koreatown

Kosher

Kosher Nostra (Jewish Mafia)

Kosher Style

Kosherfest

Kossack (Daily Kos community member)

"Krackel is a poor man's Nestlé Crunch"

"Kraft Singles implies the existence of Kraft Couples"

"Kraft Singles implies the existence of Kraft Marrieds"

Kremlin (110 Livingston Street)

Kris Kringle

Kung Flu (kung fu + flu)

Kung Fu Tofu (Kung Pao tofu + kung fu)

Kung Pao Chicken (Kung Po Chicken)

La Gran Manzana (merengue band, 1982)

La Gran Manzana (sculpture opposite Radio City Music Hall)

La Gran Manzana (sculpture opposite Radio City Music Hall, 2022)

La Gran Manzana (merengue band, 1982)

La Grosse Pomme (Paris nightclub, 1937-1938)

La Grosse Pomme (Paris nightclub, 1937-1938)

"La Kalle" (Univision Radio)

La Llorona (The Weeping Woman)

La Margherita (pizza cocktail)

La Marqueta

La Mela Reintegrata or The Apple Made Whole Again (Milan, Italy, 2015-present)

La Paloma (cocktail)

La Playita (Little Beach)

Labor Day

Labor-Electoral Complex

Laboring Under Correct Knowledge ("luck" backronym)

"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency for me"

Lack Toast And Taller Ant or Lack Toast In Toddler Ant (lactose intolerant)

Lactard (lactose + retard)

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice"

"Ladies and Germs" (comic introduction of "Ladies and Gentlemen")

Ladies' Day

Ladies' Mile

Ladies' Night

Ladies Who Lunch

Lady Baltimore Cake (Lord Baltimore Cake)

LaGarbage (LaGuardia Airport nickname)

Lager Beer

"Laggards become leaders" ("Leaders become laggards")

"Laissez les bons temps rouler" ("Let the good times roll")

Lake George: Queen of American Lakes (nickname)

Lake Jacksonite (inhabitant of Lake Jackson)

Lake Tung Ting Shrimp (Chinese dish)

Laksa (spicy rice noodle soup)

Lamb (stock market gullible investor)

Lame Duck (Lame Duck Session)

Lame Giant (Lane Bryant nickname)

Lamestream Media (Lame Stream Media)

Lamping (Lampin')

Land and Sea (Land 'N Sea)

Land Between the Lakes (Steiner Ranch slogan)

Land of Dixie (New Orleans nickname)

Land of Entrapment (New Mexico nickname)

Land of Opportunity

"Land of Tall Women and Virgin Pines" (Piney Woods, East Texas)

"Land of the fee and home of the slave"

"Land of the fees, home of the caged"

"Land of the free, thanks to the brave"

Land of the High Sky (Midland nickname)

Land of Two Summers (Alamo city nickname)

Land Use ("It is much easier to defeat something in New York City than to build something"--Donald T

"Landing on a postage stamp" (aviation saying)

Landlord of Last Resort (New York City)

"Landlord: Your income needs to be 3x rent. Me: Can you tell my boss that?"

"Landlords imply the existence of sealords and airlords"

"Landlords imply the existence of sealords and skylords"

Lands of the Big Red Apples

Lane of Lights and Laughter (Broadway)

Langley Newsletter (New York Times nickname)

"Lap band surgery: waist knot, want not"

Lapdog Media and Watchdog Media

Lapskaus Boulevard (Eighth Avenue, Bay Ridge)

Lardcore (lard + hardcore)

Laredo Salad

Laredoan (inhabitant of Laredo)

Largely Incompetent Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Larrupin' (Larruping; Larapin; Larapen; Larepin)

"'Lasagna' is French for 'the sagna'"

"Lasagna is just spaghetti-flavored cake"

"Lasagna is one of the easiest meals to make. It's a pizza cake"

"'Lasagne' is French for 'the sagne'"

"Lasagne is one of the easiest Italian dishes you can make. It's a pizza cake"

"Lashes long and coffee strong"

"Last call for alcohol" (bar saying)

Last Chance Saloon

Last Chance Saloon (First and Last Chance Saloon)

"Last month, I cut my energy bill in half. Didn't work, though. I still had to pay the full amount"

"Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife. He said I was toast"

"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone"

"Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilau"

"Last night I made a lamb curry, but apparently they prefer grass"

"Last night, I wanted to drink coffee. This morning, I am drinking coffee. Follow your dreams!"

"Last one in is a rotten egg"

Last One There (LOT Polish Airlines backronymic nickname)

Lasting Eye Damage ("LED" backronym)

Lastros (Houston Astros baseball team unofficial nickname)

"Late night tweets should be called 'hoots'"

"Late night tweets should be called 'peeps'"

"Late night tweets should self-destruct by morning"

Late Show & Late Late Show

Late Train (post-election political contributions)

"Latin is a language as dead as dead can be. It killed the ancient Romans and now it's killing me"

Latino Expo

"Latin's not dead. It's just Roman around"

"Latkes are just deconstructed kugel"

"Latkes are just Jewish hash browns"

Latkes or Latkas (potato pancakes)

"Lats for the brats" (weightlifting saying)

Latte Art

"'Latte' is French for 'you paid too much for that coffee'"

Latte Liberal

"Laughing at memes you've seen before for friends is faking orgasms of the digital era"

"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor"

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects"

"Laughter is brightest where food is best" ("Laughter is gayest where the food is best")

"Laughter is like a windshield wiper. It doesn't stop the rain, but allows us to keep going"

"Laughter is the best medicine" (proverb)

"Laughter is the best medicine. Or gin. Whatever"

"Laughter is the best medicine. Or wine. It might be wine"

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people"

Launching Pad (New Yankee Stadium nickname)

Launder (money laundering)

Lava Lamp (Hearst Building)

Lavender Capital of Texas (Blanco nickname)

Lavender Lake (Gowanus Canal)

Lavender Set

"Law Enforcement: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates"

"Law & Order is Scooby-Doo for adults"

"Lawns don't waste water, people do"

"Laws, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are made"

Laws of Accounting (joke)

"Laws that create criminals without any victim are not laws. They are revenue generators"

"Laws that create criminals without any victims are not laws, but revenue generators"

"Lawsuits are just rap battles for white people"

"Lawsuits are just rap battles for white people"

Lawyer Losing Money ("LL.M." backronym)

"Lawyer (n): larval stage of politician"

Lawyer's Billable Hours (lawyer joke)

Lawyer's Brain (lawyer joke)

"Lawyers hope you get into trouble. Doctors hope you get sick. Teachers hope you're born stupid..."

"Lawyers hope you get sued, but a thief wishes you prosperity"

"Lawyers talk how doctors write"

Layaway

"Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working"

"'Lazy' is such an ugly word. I prefer the term 'selective participation'"

"Lazy rule: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge"

"Lazy rule: If you can't reach it, you don't need it"

Lazy Susan

LBJ Law or Lyndon's Law or LBJ Rule (simultaneous runs for senator and vice president)

"Lead, follow or get out of the way"

"Lead us not into Penn Station"

"Leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination"

"Leaders don't create movements, movements create leaders"

"Leadership is not about the next election, it's about the next generation"

"Leadership is not driving the train, it's laying the track"

"Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from others"

"Leadership requires a vision of the world that doesn't yet exist and the ability to communicate it"

Leading from Behind

Leaky Roof Circuit (small-time racetracks)

"Lean to the green"

Leander (summary)

Leanderite (inhabitant of Leander)

Leanderthal (inhabitant of Leander)

Leap Year Capital of the World (Anthony slogan)

Leaping Louie (Prometheus statue in Rockefeller Center)

Lear Jet Liberal (Learjet Liberal)

"Lear jet needs fuel" or "Lear jet out of fuel" (Austin panhandler sign)

"Learn, do, teach"

"Learn, Earn, Serve"

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

"Learn how to grow vegetables instead of electing them"

"Learn how to: Have fun without alcohol. Talk without cellphones. Dream without drugs..."

"Learn how to: Have fun without alcohol. Talk without cellphones. Love without conditions..."

"Learning is a gift. Even when pain is your teacher"

"Learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. Teachers should just start every lecture like..."

"Learning Opportunity, Stay Strong" ("loss" backronym)

Leather Capital of the World (Yoakum nickname)

"Leave everything on the field" (total effort)

Leave Island Any Time (LIAT backronymic nickname)

"Leave off the last 's' for 'savings'" (212-MATTRES)

"Leaves are falling and pumpkin spice is calling"

"Leaves are falling. Autumn is calling"

"Leaves are falling. Coffee is calling"

"Leaves are falling. Pumpkin is calling"

"Leaves are falling. Pumpkin spice lattes are calling"

"Leaves are falling. Pumpkins are calling"

"Leaves are really just solar panels for trees"

"Leaves of five, let it thrive" or "Leaflets five, let it thrive" (vine adage)

"Leaves of three, let it be" or "Leaflets three, let it be" (poison ivy adage)

"Leaving the house in 2020: keys, phone, card, vape, face mask, hand sanitiser..."

Lebanese Iced Tea

Leche Quemada (Burnt Milk Candy)

Lechislator (lecher/lecherous + legislator); Lechislature

Led Robster or Lead Robster (Red Lobster nickname)

Lee Harvey [lastname] (crime patsy nickname)

Leftard (left + retard)

Leftosphere (left blogosphere)

"Leftover lettuce is called the romainder"

"Leftover lettuce is called the romaineder"

"Leftovers are repast history"

Lefturd (left + turd)

Leftwaffe (left + Luftwaffe)

"Leftwing, Rightwing, Knowing"

Legacy Media

Legacy Robe (Gypsy Robe)

"Legality is a construct of the powerful, not of justice"

"Legality is a matter of power, not justice"

"Legality is a question of power, not of justice"

"Legality isn't a guide to morality"

"Legalize freedom -- vote Libertarian"

"Legalize gay marijuana"

"Legalize marinara"

"Legalize recreational dining"

Lego Cookery

"Lego is a gateway drug to IKEA"

"Lego people live in homes made of their own flesh"

"Lego people live in houses made of their own flesh"

"Legos are a gateway drug to IKEA"

"Legos live in houses made of their own flesh"

Lehman 2.0

Lehman Moment

"Lemme get a grande ice mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypotenuse" (coffee joke)

Lemon Chicken

Lemon ("Hand someone a lemon," "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade")

Lemonade (or, the New York Game)

Lene Town (Abilene nickname)

Leopard-spotting or Leoparding (charred "leopard spots" on pizza)

Leprechaun Cookie

LES (Lower East Side)

Lesbian & Gay Big Apple Corps (marching band)

Lesbian & Gay Big Apple Corps (marching band, 1979-present)

"Less Monday, more summer"

"Less Mondays, more summer"

"Lesson learned tonight: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts"

"Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned"

"Let a homeless person use a computer and he'll search through the recycle bin"

"Let exercise be your stress relief, not food"

"Let exercise be your stress reliever, not food"

"Let food be your medicine and medicine be your food"

"Let Friday show you where the smiles are in life"

"Let he who is without stock cast the first rock" (Governor Preston E. Smith)

"Let her go, Gallagher!"

"Let me get this straight. Everyone hates white people, but everyone wants to live where white people are"

"Let me pour you a tall glass of get over it. Oh, and here's a straw so you can suck it up"

"Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt" (Special Olympics)

"Let the bastards freeze in the dark" & "Drive 80 mph and freeze a Yankee"

"Let the chips fall where they may" (to allow events to unfold naturally)

"Let the people know the truth and the country is safe"

"Let them eat iPad"

"Let us raise a standard to which the wise and the honest can repair"

"Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile"

"Let's all get drunk and go to heaven"

"Let's all stay inside until people never die again!"

"Let's all take a moment to recognize the true heroes of the season -- elastic waistbands"

"Let’s be honest. Most people going skinny dipping are really just going dipping"

"Let's blow this pop stand"

"Let's blow this popcorn stand"

"Let's blow this popsicle stand"

"Let's convict the son-of-a-bitch in the press. That's the way it's done"

"Let's do lunch"

"'Let's eat, grandma' or 'let's eat grandma' -- punctuation saves lives!"

"Let's get drunk, make mistakes and blame it on the alcohol"

"Let's get merloaded" (Merlot + loaded)

"Let's get ready to rumble!"

"Let's get this weekend going, people! That wine ain't gonna pour itself!"

"Let's get this weekend started, people! This wine ain't gonna pour itself!"

"Let's go to the videotape!"

"Let's grab today by the coffee beans"

"Let's have a drink, let's have some fun, because at last the job is done"

"Let's have a level playing field"

"Let's have a moment of silence for all those stuck in traffic on their way to the gym"

"Let's have a toast for the breadwinners"

"Let's have illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders. We'll call it 'Aliens vs. Predators'"

"Let's have Netflix run the next pandemic. They don't let anything get three seasons"

"Let's keep the dumbfuckery to a minimum today"

"Let's make one thing clear, 'the experts' were never wrong. They were always lying. Big difference"

"Let's not tell some people when quarantine is over"

"Let’s not tell some people when the quarantine is over"

"Let's pay the farmer, not the pharmacist"

"Let's put the rum in pa-rum pum pum pum"

"Let’s put the wheat where the goats can eat it"

"Let's reduce drunk driving by taking cars away from sober drivers"

"Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?"

"Let’s start calling 'fact checked' by its real name. Censorship"

"Let's wander where the WiFi is weak"

Lettermarking

"Letting politicians be able to own stock is like letting referees openly bet on games"

"Lettuce hearts are great for Valentine's Day because they're so romainetic"

"Lettuce is just crunchy water"

"Lettuce meat olive your eggspectations"

"Lettuce turnip the beet"

"Leverage is a double-edged sword"

LGBTPed (LGBT + pedophile)

LGBTQQWERTY (LGBTQ + QWERTY)

LGBTQWERTY (LGBT/LGBTQ + QWERTY)

LGBTQWXYZ (LGBTQ + WXYZ)

LGBTQXYZ (LGBTQ + XYZ)

LGBTWXYZ (LGBT + WXYZ)

LGBTXYZ (LGBT + XYZ)

"(Liar, liar) Pants on fire"

Liar's Ball (Real Estate Board of NY annual banquet)

Liberal Elite

"Liberal media is the virus"

"Liberal with sanity" (Ed Koch)

"Liberalism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

"Liberalism is a mental disorder"

"Liberals: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people..."

"Liberals are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright"

"Liberals don't care what you do as long as it's mandatory"

"Liberals don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth"

"Liberals feel unworthy of possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen"

"Liberate Texas next -- they've got oil, too"

Libertard (libertarian or liberal + retard)

Libertarian Party Platform (three points on government)

"Libertarians: Against wars of aggression no matter who is president"

"Libertarians are anarchists with money"

"Libertarians are like Greek gods. They fight with each other all the time and nobody believes in them"

"Libertarians: Diligently plotting to take over the world and leave you alone"

"Libertarians when they discover they have a body part called the 'prostate' [screaming]"

"Libertarians when they find out they have an organ named the prostate" (joke)

"Libertarians when they realize they have an organ called the prostate" (joke)

"Libertarianism: The radical notion that other people are not your property"

Liberty Bonds

Liberty Cabbage (sauerkraut)

Liberty City

Liberty Cup (Columbia vs. Fordham)

"Liberty > Democracy"

"Liberty Guns Beer Tits" (LGBT)

"Liberty Guns Beer Titties" (LGBT)

"Liberty is a demand. Tyranny is submission"

"Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like"

"Liberty is the greater good"

Liberty Pole (and Battle of Golden Hill, 1770)

Liberty Sandwich (hamburger)

Liberty Steak (hamburger)

Liberty Tax (healthcare penalty to opt out)

Liberty (WNBA women's basketball team)

Libidiot (liberal + idiot)

Libnut (liberal + nut)

Library Lions (Patience and Fortitude; Lord Lenox and Lady Astor; Leo and Leonora)

Librul

Libshit (liberal + shit)

Libtard (liberal + retard)

Libturd (liberal + turd)

"Licensing: When government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you"

Lick-log ("down to the lick-log" or "up to the lick-log")

"Lick the plate clean" (eat all of a dish)

"Licorice is just candy jerky"

"Licorice is the beef jerky of candy"

"Lie like a rug" (to always lie)

Lieberal (lie + liberal)

Liebor or Limor (London Interbank Offered Rate or Libor nickname)

Lience (lie + science); Lientist (lie+ scientist)

Lierus (lie + virus)

Liestrong (Livestrong nickname)

"Life ain't all burritos and strippers, my friend"

"Life and beer are very similar -- chill for best results"

"Life and beer are very similar. Chill for best results"

"Life and beer are very similar. For best results -- chill"

"Life and time are the two great teachers"

"Life begins after coffee"

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"

"Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp"

"Life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a mother"

"Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television"

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon"

"Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks"

"Life gave me onions. Onionade tastes terrible"

"Life hack: Give yourself 8 - 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day"

"Life Hack: Put booze in a cough syrup bottle, and you can do shots at work"

"Life Hack: When cutting bagels, put your finger in the stabilization hole to keep it steady"

"Life happens. Alcohol helps"

"Life happens. Beer helps"

"Life happens. Chocolate helps"

"Life happens. Coffee helps"

"Life happens. Gin helps"

"Life happens. Tea helps"

"Life happens. Tequila helps"

"Life happens. Vodka helps"

"Life happens. Whiskey helps"

"Life happens. Whisky helps"

"Life happens. Wine helps"

"Life has its ups and downs. We call them squats"

"Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself"

"Life has two rules: #1 never quit, #2 always remember rule #1"

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things..." (Butch Hancock)

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it"

"Life is a dance, from one stage to the next"

"Life is a game -- play it" ("What is life?" verses)

"Life is a gift. Live every day as a thank you note"

"Life is a marathon, not a sprint"

"Life is a soup and I'm a fork"

"Life is a tornado and I’m just a cow being spun around for cinematic value"

"Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee to wine time"

"Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time"

"Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee to wine time"

"Life is beautiful. It's the system that's ugly"

"Life is better with dogs, coffee & music"

"Life is better with fresh baked cookies"

"Life is better with good coffee"

"Life is better with music, dogs & coffee"

"Life is just a bowl of cherries"

"Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you're hot"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. I don't have a box of chocolates"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It has an expiration date"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It sucks if you have diabetes"

"Life is like a box of chocolates. Not as fun with diabetes"

"Life is like a box of chocolates, the best ones are half-eaten"

"Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole"

"Life is like a game of chess. I don't know how to play chess"

"Life is like a jar of jalapeños; What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow"

"Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes"

"Life is like a sandwich -- the more you add to it, the better it becomes"

"Life is like a sandwich -- you have to fill it with the best ingredients"

"Life is like a ten speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use"

"Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little"

"Life is like ice cream -- enjoy it before it melts"

"Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole"

"Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole"

"Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk"

"Life is short -- buy the shoes, drink the wine, order the dessert"

"Life is short -- eat dessert first!"

"Life's short. Eat more pie!" (Texas Pie Company in Kyle)

"Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible arguing with strangers about politics"

"Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the internet arguing"

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"

"Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people"

"Life is too short to drink cheap wine"

"Life is too short to drink the house wine"

"Life is too short to stay broke"

"Life is too short to stuff a mushroom"

"Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine until I go to work"

"Life Is Uncertain -- Eat Dessert First!" (Buttercup Bake Shop)

"Life is what happens between coffee and wine"

"Life is what happens between coffee and wine"

"Life is what you bake it"

"Life is what you make it. I like to make bacon"

"Life is what you make it. So make bacon"

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself"

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"

"Life isn't all tacos and tequila. But it should be"

"Life isn't always tacos and margaritas. But it should be"

"Life isn't always tacos & tequila. But it should be"

"Life itself is a classroom and the lesson is always love"

"Life just handed me lemonade -- not sure what to do"

"Life Lesson #843: 'Analogy' is NOT the study of buttholes"

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of those who threaten it"

"Life needs more beer, bonfires and less drama"

"Life needs more slow dances in the kitchen"

"Life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits"

"Life was simpler when we honored father and mother rather than all major credit cards"

"Life without geometry is pointless"

"Life without memes is memingless"

"Life would be better if more things were wrapped in bacon"

"Life's too short to live in Dallas"

"Life's too short to make another's shorter"

"Life’s too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work"

"Life’s too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine until I get to work"

"Lifetime warranties really mean the company’s lifetime, not yours"

"Lifetime warranty means the lifetime of the product, not your lifetime"

"Lift up the cow's tail and look the situation squarely in the face" (LBJ?)

"Lift your left leg up on December 31st at 11:59:59. Start the New Year off on the right foot"

"Light as air, stronger than whiskey, and cheap as dirt" (barbed wire)

"Light beer? What's next, non-addictive pain killers?"

"Lighting up the scoreboard" (scoring many points)

"Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers"

"Lightning may not strike twice, but tornadoes do"

"Lightning never strikes twice in the same place"

"Lights. Camera. Fiction!"

Lights Out NY

"Like a good neighbor, stay over there"

"Like a kid in a candy store" (many temptations)

"Like a million bucks/dollars" (wonderful or excellent)

"Like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah" (out of place)

"Like butter!" ("Like buttah!")

"Like Grand Central Station" (congested with people)

"Like Grant took Richmond"

"Like many people, I sing in the car, but only when I put it in reverse. I'm a back up singer"

"Like nailing jelly to the wall" ("Like nailing jello to the wall")

"Like No Other Bagel in the World" (H & H Bagels)

"Like No Other Market" (Fairway)

"Like No Other Store in the World" (Bloomingdale's)

"Like painting the George Washington Bridge" (never-ending)

"Like riding a bike" (once learned, never forgotten)

"Like taking candy from a baby" (something easy)

"Like the pickle in my cheeseburger, I wanna take you out"

"Like white on rice"

Likudnik

"Lilt is a poor man's Orangina"

"Lilt is a poor man's Ting"

"'Climate change' happens 4 times each year. My favorite is the 'global warming' in late April"

Limbaugh Rule (vote for most conservative candidate in primary)

Limbaugh Theorem

Limestone Jesus (15 Central Park West)

Limousine Alley (56th Street, between Sixth and Seventh Avenues)

Limousine Liberal

Lincoln Log Sandwich (hot dog with cream cheese)

Lindy Hop

"Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom"

Line Waiter (Queuer)

Linguinistics (linguine + linguistics)

Links of the Atlantic Cable (link sausage)

LINO (Latino In Name Only)

"Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works"

"Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

Lion's Head Meatballs

"Lions never lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine"

Lipstick Building

Lipstick Index (Lipstick Indicator; Lipstick Theory)

"Lipstick on a corpse" (superficial attempt to make ugliness pretty)

"Lipstick on a pig" (superficial attempt to make ugliness pretty)

Liquid Gold (honey nickname)

Liquid Gold (maple syrup nickname)

Liquid Salad (gazpacho; Bloody Mary)

"Liquidity begets liquidity"

"Liquidity is only there when you don't need it"

"Liquor Guns Bacon Tits" (LGBT)

"Liquor in front, poker in rear" (bar sign)

"Liquor (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

"Liquor stores gotta start a rewards program, I know I'm due for a free pint"

"Liquor stores should have rewards programs"

Lirus (lie + virus)

"List of things I'm currently handling well: "

"List of things I'm currently handling well: 1. "

"List of things I'm currently handling well: 1. Coffee"

"List of things I'm currently handling well: 1. Coffee"

"List of things I'm handling well currently: 1. "

"List to last" (real estate adage)

"Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you"

"Listen this is a very simple concept: If it's not voluntary, it's tyranny"

Listicle (list + article)

Lite Guv or Lite Gov (lieutenant governor)

"Litter Stops Here"

Litterbug (Litter Bug)

Little Accra (University Heights, Bronx)

Little Afghanistan (Flushing, Queens)

Little Africa

Little Albania

Little Alsace of Texas (Castroville nickname)

Little Apple (Ithaca, New York)

Little Apple (Manhattan, Kansas)

Little Apple (Roosevelt Island)

Little Apple (Roosevelt Island, New York City)

Little Apple (Yonkers, New York)

Little Armenia (Murray Hill)

Little Austin (Denton nickname)

Little Bangladesh

Little Beirut (Portland nickname)

Little Belgium

Little Berlin (Tompkins Square Park)

Little Bohemia

Little Brazil

Little Britain (West Village)

Little Broadway (White Street in TriBeCa)

Little Buckaroo or Little Wrangler (children; children's products; children's menus)

Little Caribbean (Flatbush, Brooklyn)

Little Chitaly (Little Italy + Chinatown)

Little Church Around the Corner

Little City Hall (community board)

Little Colombia (Chapinero or Chapinerito)

Little Cuba

Little D (Denton nickname)

Little Dominican Republic (Washington Heights and Inwood)

Little Dubai (Hudson Yards in Manhattan)

Little Easy (Mobile, Alabama nickname)

Little Easy (Oxford, Mississippi nickname)

Little Egypt (Astoria, Queens)

Little Flatiron Building (Herring Lock and Safe Company Building)

Little Fuzhou or Fuzhou Town (East Broadway, Manhattan; Sunset Park, Brooklyn)

Little Germany (Kleindeutschland)

Little Ghana (Mount Hope, Bronx)

Little Guyana (Richmond Hill, Queens)

Little Haiti (Flatbush and Canarsie, Brooklyn)

Little Harlem & Little Latin America (Corona, Queens)

Little Havana (Miami) & Little Havana on the Hudson (Union City, New Jersey)

Little Hungary

Little India (East 6th Street in Manhattan)

Little India (Jackson Heights, Queens)

Little India (Lexington Avenue in Manhattan)

Little Ireland (New York City nickname)

Little Ireland (Woodlawn, Bronx)

Little Italy

"Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?" (joke)

Little Kingston; Little Jamaica

"Little League keeps the kids out of the house"

Little Liberia

Little Manila

Little Mexico (Port Richmond, Staten Island)

Little Morocco (Astoria, Queens)

Little Necker (inhabitant of Little Neck, Queens)

Little Norway (Sunset Park, Brooklyn)

Little Odessa; Little Ukraine

Little Old New York

Little Pakistan (Midwood, Brooklyn)

Little Palestine (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

Little Panama (Crown Heights, Brooklyn)

Little Paris; Little France (Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn)

Little Persia

Little Pittsburgh (East New York, Brooklyn)

Little Pittsburgh (Hunts Point, Bronx)

Little Poland (Greenpoint, Brooklyn)

Little Puerto Rico (Harding Park, Clason Point, Bronx)

Little Rumania

Little Satan (Israel); Big Satan or Great Satan (United States)

Little Senegal

Little Sleazers (Little Caesars nickname)

Little Spain

Little Sri Lanka (Tompkinsville, Staten Island)

Little Syria

Little Tibet or Himalayan Heights (Jackson Heights, Queens)

Little Tokyo (East Village)

Little Uzbekistan (Midwood, Brooklyn)

Little Venezuela

Little White House (Gracie Mansion)

Little Yemen (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

Little Yemen (Morris Park, Bronx)

"Live a Little Better" (LeFrak City)

"Live by the three, die by the three" (basketball adage)

"Live every day like it's a summer Friday"

"Live every day like it's Pretzel Day"

"Live every day like it's summer Friday"

"Live every day like it's Taco Tuesday"

"Live every Friday like it's a summer Friday"

"Live in New York, leave before you become hard. Live in California, leave before you become soft"

"Live in the know" (Wall Street Journal slogan)

Live It Fully Everyday ("life" backronym)

"Live Large. Think Big" (Dallas slogan)

"Live life today like there is no coffee tomorrow"

Live Music Capital of the World (Austin nickname)

"Live simply. Dream big. Be grateful. Give love. Laugh lots"

"Live simply so that others may simply live"

"Live Strong" (Lance Armstrong Foundation)

"Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Livermush (Liver Mush)

"Lives matter! If you need a color in front of those words, you're a racist"

"Living in America means calling the police could kill someone..."

Living Landmarks

Living Room Liberal

Living Room of Lincoln Center (Elinor Bunin Munroe Film Center)

"Living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world"

"Living under a rock" (uninformed)

"Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking"

Llanoan (inhabitant of Llano)

Llanoite (inhabitant of Llano)

LMFMO (Laughing My Fucking Mask Off)

LMMO (Laughing My Mask Off)

"Lo mein is just Chinese spaghetti"

"Load your brain before you shoot off your mouth"

Loaded Potato Skins (Loaded Baked Potato)

Loan Shark

Loan Shark of Last Resort (International Monetary Fund of IMF nickname)

Loaner Jacket

"Loans and debts make worries and frets"

Lobbyist (Lobbying)

LoBro (Lower Broadway)

Lobster Fra Diavolo (Shrimp Fra Diavolo)

"Lobster is just a vehicle for butter"

Lobster Newberg (Lobster Newburg; Lobster Newburgh)

Lobster Palace

"Lobster rolls not gender roles"

Lobster Shift (Lobster Trick)

"Lobster tail and beer. Three of my favorite things"

"Lobster tail & beer. My three favorite things"

Lobster Trick (Lobster Shift)

Lobsterrific (lobster + terrific)

"Local advertising is sold, not bought"

"Local apartment building had only one opening left. It's last but not leased"

"Local Food: Thousands of Miles Fresher"

Localwashing (local + whitewash)

"Location! Location! Location!" (real estate adage)

"Lock 'em up"/"Hellview of Bellevue" (1961); "For You" (1973)

Lockport: Lock City (nickname)

"Locks are for honest people" (proverb)

"Locksmiths are key workers"

Locktail (lockdown + cocktail)

Locktail Hour (lockdown + cocktail hour)

Loco Foco Party

LoCo (Lower Congress Avenue, Austin)

LoCo (Lower Court) and 'Hoodwinked (Curbed.com contest)

LoDel (Below Delancey)

LoFo (low information voter)

Log Cabin Republicans

Log-rolling (Logrolling)

"Logan's Roadhouse is a poor man's Texas Roadhouse"

LoHo

Loisaida

Lolbert (LOL + libertarian); Lolbertarian

Lolbertarian (LOL + libertarian); Lolbert

Loligarchy (lol + oligarchy)

Lollapalooza (Lallapalooza; Lollapaloosa; Lallapaloosa; Lolapalooza; Lalapalooza; Lolapaloosa)

"Lollipops are just you swallowing your flavored saliva"

Lollypop/Lollipop (2 Columbus Circle)

LoMo (Lower Morningside Heights)

London Broil

London Bullion Manipulation Association (London Bullion Market Association or LBMA nickname)

"London is satisfied, Paris is resigned, but New York is always hopeful"

Lone Star Punch

Lone Star Series (Houston Astros vs. Texas Rangers)

Lone Star Showdown (Texas Longhorns vs. Texas A&M Aggies)

Lone Star State (Texas nickname)

Lone Star Tick

"Loneliness is the ultimate poverty"

Lonely Seat (solo restaurant dining)

"Long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks...today, it's called golf"

Long Depression (1873-1879)

Long Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island Frankfurter (long, thin AFL football)

Long Island Italian Gravy

Long Island: Largely Incompetent Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Long Island frankfurter (a long, thin football)

Long Island: Long Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Long Island Ice(d) Tea

Long Island: "Long Island implies the existence of Short Island"

Long Island: Long Island Snail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Long Island Snailroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: "Longuyland"

Long Island Snail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island Snailroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Strong Island (nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Failroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Railroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Jelly Roll (Short Jelly Roll)

"Long live cowboys"

"Long Live Longnecks" (Lone Star Beer slogan)

"Long pockets and short arms" (stingy)

"Long range shooting is like golf, but for men"

"Long range shooting -- it's like golf, but for men"

"Long time between drinks"

Longest Main Street in the World (Highway 83, through Rio Grande Valley)

"Longest Running Show on Broadway" (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

Longest Street in America (Broadway)

Longest Street in America (Broadway nickname)

Longhorn Iced Tea

Longhorn Speech (two points far apart & a lot of bull in between)

"LongHorn Steakhouse is a poor man's Texas Roadhouse"

Longhorn (University of Texas nickname)

Longhorns (chocolate, pecan and caramel candies)

Longviewite (inhabitant of Longview)

"Look at the orange mama laid" (orange marmalade)

"Look at the size of your liver compared to your heart. You're designed to drink more and care less"

"Look back and be grateful, look ahead and be hopeful, look around and be helpful"

"Look Better Naked" (David Barton Gym)

"Look for the Union Label" (1975)

"Look, I'm all for coloring books, but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line"

"Look in the mirror. That's your competition"

"Look, ma, no hands!" (riding phrase)

"Look to your right, look to your left -- one of them won't be here next year"

"Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been 8 or 11 feet tall"

"Looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site is a wonderful thing"

"Looking for a job is a full-time job"

"Looking Good, Feeling Good" (Ricky's)

"Looking like crap greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%"

"Looking like shit increases the chance of seeing someone you know at the shops by 90%"

"Looking like shit increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%"

"Looks like my muffin top is turning into a pound cake"

"Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane" (good athlete, but poor player)

Loose Hamburger (Loose Burger; Loose Coney; Coney Hamburger; Coney Island Hamburger)

"Loose lips sink ships"

Loose-Meat Sandwich

"Lord, grant me the strength to open this jar without the aid of my husband..."

"Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, and wine to accept the things I can't"

"Lord, help me to know what's cooking before it boils over"

"Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat"

"Lord, whatever you’re baking outside, it’s done" (heat joke)

"Los Mets"

"Lose one's marbles" (to go crazy)

"Lose one's shirt" (become impoverished)

"Lose your opinion, not your money" (Wall Street adage)

"Losers quit when they're tired; winners quit when they've won"

Losership (loser + leadership)

"Losing hurts more than winning feels good"

"Losing weight should be like losing your virginity. Once you lose it you can never get it back"

Lost Borough (Yonkers)

"Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for"

Lost Decade (2000-2009)

"Lost in Austin"

"Lost like a fat person at a salad bar"

"Lost the dressing room" (manager loses confidence of players)

Lotto: "Dollar and a Dream" & "Hey, You Never Know" & "You've Gotta Be In It To Win It"

Lou Gehrig's Disease; "Luckiest Man" speech

"Loud music puns are my forte"

"Loud pipes save lives" (motorcycle adage)

Loud & Tacky (Lord & Taylor nickname)

Louisiana: Pelican (nickname)

Lounge Lizards; Tea Hounds; Tango Pirates

Lousy Line or Lousy Local (L or LL subway line)

Lovable Losers (New York Mets; Chicago Cubs)

"Love bakes good cakes and brews good stews"

"Love deeply, eat well, laugh always, work hard, travel often"

"Love everyone, but hate the government they live under"

"Love everyone but hate the governments they live under"

Love Feast

Love Handle (fat at the waist)

"Love is ale we need" ("Love is ale you need")

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand"

"Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee"

"Love, like chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor"

Love-locking (Love Lock or Love Padlock)

"Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe"

"Love means nothing to a tennis player"

"Love, peace and chicken grease" ("Love, peace and taco grease")

"Love people, not things; use things, not people"

"Love the wine you're with"

"Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood"

Love Trade

Love Train (L subway line)

"Love your neighbor, but don't tear down your fence" (proverb)

LOVEINT

"Lovely weather for ducks" (rain)

"Loving animals mean loving all animals, not just the ones we share our homes with"

"Loving animals means loving all animals, not just the ones we share our homes with"

"Low and slow" or "Slow and low" (barbecue motto/dogma)

"Low battery! Well apparently, you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds"

"Low-hanging fruit"

Low Information Voter (LIV)

Low Line

"Low man wins" (football adage)

"Low taxes are the result of low spending"

Lower Eastpacking District (Lower East Side + Meatpacking District)

Lowflation (low + inflation)

LSD (Long Slow Distance)

"1st rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want"

Lu Ann Platter & "Good Food From Good People" & "Tastes Like Texas, Feels Like Home" (Luby's)

Lubbock Clap

"Lubbock, Hub City of the Plains (slowest moving part of the wheel)"

"Lubbock is in the middle of everything" (joke)

"Lubbock Or Leave It"

Lubbock Stare

"Lubbock, Texas is so flat that if you stand on a penny you can see Dallas!"

Lubbockite (inhabitant of Lubbock)

"Luck is for losers" (sports adage)

"Luck is the residue of design" (Dodgers executive Branch Rickey)

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity"

Luckenbach on the Llano (Castell nickname)

Lucky Family (Chinese dish)

Lufkinite (inhabitant of Lufkin)

Luggage On Tarmac (LOT Polish Airlines backronymic nickname)

"Lukewarm implies the existence of matthewwarm, markwarm and johnwarm"

Lulingite (inhabitant of Luling)

"Lullabuy of Broadway" (Milford Plaza)

"Lullaby of Broadway" (1935)

Lulu (or Looloo)

Lunacracy (lunatics/lunacy + democracy)

Lunatic Soup (alcoholic drink)

Lunch Break Rager

Lunch Break Rave

Lunch Wagon

"Lunchables are just American bento boxes"

"Lunchables are just charcuterie boards for kids"

"Lunchables are MREs for kids"

"Lunchables should really start making Breakfastables and Dinnerables so that I can stop cooking"

Luncheonette

Lung Block

"Lungs of the City" (Central Park)

Lush Worker

"Lust in the Dust" (overly romantic western movie)

Luxury Liner Row

Lyanair or Lyinair or Lyingair (Ryanair nickname)

Lyinair or Lyanair or Lyingair (Ryanair nickname)

Lying Mainstream Media (LMSM)

Lyingair or Lyanair or Lyinair (Ryanair nickname)

ORIGINAL 9-11 SONG: "We Will Stand Together (United We Stand)"

"Macaroni is just tube spaghetti"

Macaroni Monday

Macaroni Salad

"Macarons are hipster Oreos"

"Macarons are just bougie Oreos"

"Macarons are just fancy Oreos"

"Macarons are just French Oreos"

"Macarons are the rich person's Oreos"

MacB (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

MacBee (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Maccabees (Yeshiva University teams)

Maccy D's (McDonald's nickname)

MacDaddy (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Machaca (Machacado con heuvo)

Machito ("Texas Haggis")

Mackers (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Macro Tourist

"Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works"

Macy's Flower Show

"Mad as a bag of ferrets" (very mad)

"Mad as a box of frogs" (very mad)

"Mad as a ferret" (very mad)

"Mad as a wet hen" (very mad)

Mad. Ave.

Mad Men (Madison Avenue admen)

Mad Money

"Madder than a box of frogs" (very mad)

"Madder than a hornet" ("As mad as a hornet")

"Madder than a hornet in an old Coke can"

"Madder than a sackful of ferrets" (very mad)

"Madder than a wet hen" (very mad)

"Made a lot of mistakes in my life but adding more cheese than what a recipe calls for has never..."

"Made in New York"

"Made in Texas by Texans"

"Made some mac n cheese without having to retrieve the box instructions from the trash..."

Madhattan (mad + Manhattan)

Madison Avenue of Hispanic Advertising (Houston Street in San Antonio)

Madness Square Garden (Madison Square Garden nickname)

Mae West (life preserver jacket)

Mafia Cop

"Mafia: Same thing as government, without all the pretense"

Mafrika Festival (Music of Africa)

MAGA (Microsoft, Apple, Google and Amazon)

Magic City (Omaha, Nebraska nickname)

Magic Number

Magic Valley (Lower Rio Grande Valley nickname)

Magnet School

Magnolia City (Houston nickname)

MAGS (Microsoft, Amazon, Google and Salesforce)

MaHi (Marble Hill)

Mahjong (Mah Jongg)

"Maid in the living room, cook in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom" (Jerry Hall)

Mail-Order Cowboy

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them for Christmas"

Main Drag of Many Tears (125th or 126th Street)

Main Sewer Media or Mainsewer Media (MSM)

Main Stem (Broadway)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Street Across America (Lincoln Highway)

Main Street Media (MSM)

Maine: "As Maine goes, so goes the nation"

Maine: "Does anyone else forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?"

Maine: Fox (nickname)

Maine: Lumber State (nickname)

Maine: Pine Tree State (nickname)

"Mainhattan" (Frankfurt am Main, Germany)

Mainly Socialist Media (Main Stream Media or MSM nickname)

Mainsewer Media or Main Sewer Media (MSM)

"Mainstream media is the virus"

Mainstream Media (MSM)

"Maintenance doesn't cost -- it pays"

Maiter (model + waiter)

Maitre D'ess (female maitre d')

Majoritarian (Majoritarianism)

"Make a federal case (out of it)"

"Make a living, not a killing"

"Make a mark, not a scar"

"Make Affordable Gas Again" (MAGA)

"Make Affordable Groceries Again" (MAGA)

"Make All Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make America like Texas" (MALT)

"Make American Gas Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make American Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

Make Americans Think Harder ("math" backronym)

"Make America's Gas Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make America's Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make an effort, not an excuse"

"Make any continental breakfast into an incontinental breakfast by pissing in everyone's Cheerios"

"Make Austin Normal"

Make-Believe Media (MBM)

"Make breakfast tacos, not war"

"Make government officials afraid again"

"Make Groceries Affordable Again" (MGAA)

"Make it a Blockbuster night" (Blockbuster)

"Make Life Delicious!" (Shipley Do-Nuts)

"Make like a banana and split"

"Make Margaret Atwood fiction again"

"Make me one with everything" (Zen master-ordering-a-hot dog joke)

"Make Media Honest Again" (MMHA)

Make-or-Miss League (NBA basketball)

"Make Orwell fiction again"

"Make our guns illegal and we'll just call them undocumented"

"Make Politicians Afraid Again" (MPAA)

"Make some coffee and own the day"

"Make sure you are happy in real life, not just on social media"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep a safe distance from doubt. And isolate from unbelief"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep distance from doubt, and isolate from fear"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Stay 6ft away from doubt, and isolate from unbelief"

"Make sure your kilt is short enough to do a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms"

"Make sure you're happy in real life, not just for the internet"

"Make sure you're happy in real life, not just for social media"

"Make tax collectors birds again" (tar-and-feather)

"Make Tax Day the day before Election Day"

"Make the little things count. Teach midgets math"

"Make today so awesome yesterday gets jealous"

"Make vaccine manufacturers liable again" (MVMLA)

"Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public" (prank)

"Make you the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it"

"Make your cheese and wine party more appealing by having no cheese or guests"

"Make your cheese and wine party more fun by having no cheese or guests"

"Make your exercise resolution on the Chinese new year to avoid crowded gyms"

"Make your mark in New York, and you are a made man"

"Make your parents proud, your enemies jealous, and yourself happy"

"Make your passion your paycheck"

"Make your stomach a garden, not a graveyard"

"Make your tongue slap your brain" (good cooking)

"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen"

"Make yourself at home -- clean my kitchen"

Makers and Takers

"Makeup is allowed in beauty pageants, yet steroids aren't allowed in sports"

"Makin' Whoopee" (1928)

"Making a mask mandatory after 2 months of pandemic is like wearing a condom after she’s pregnant"

"Making everyone happy is impossible. Pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake"

"Making fun of a fat person at a gym is like making fun of a sick person at a hospital"

"Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair"

"Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair"

"Making good people helpless won't make bad people harmless"

"Making mistakes does not mean you're a failure. It just means you're trying and learning in life"

"Making mistakes is human, but when you make mistakes in a Captcha, you aren't human"

"Making partner is like a pie-eating contest where the prize is more pie"

Malazy (malaise + lazy)

"Male bees die after mating. Their life is basically Honey, Nut, Cheerio"

"Male libertarians when they find out they have a prostate" (joke)

"Malfunction at the junction" (SWC football announcer Kern Tips)

Malfunction Junction (College Station)

"Mall kiosk workers are the human equivalent of pop-up ads"

"Mallomars are just cold s'mores"

"Mallomars are just inside out s'mores"

"Mallomars are just winter s'mores"

"Mallomars are only sold in New York and New Jersey and nobody else knows what they are"

"Mallomars are the unofficial official food of the Jewish New Year"

"Mallomars are Tunnock's Tea Cakes without the fancy wrappers"

Mallsoleum (mall + mausoleum)

Malnegligence (malice + negligence)

MALT (Make America Like Texas)

"Maltesers are a poor man's Minstrels"

"Maltesers are a poor man's Revels"

Mambo Sauce

Mambo Taxi (cocktail)

Mamie Taylor (cocktail)

Man Aisle (store aisle of products men shop for)

"Man bites dog"

"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter"

"Man charged with stealing hay denied bale"

"Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish"

"Man does not live by words alone -- despite sometimes eating them"

"Man goes in a pub..." (bar joke)

"Man goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head" (joke)

"Man is the only animal that can he skinned more than once"

"Man matures when he stops believing that politics solves his problems"

"Man was designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness"

"Man who invented the hamburger was smart; man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius"

"Man with one chopstick go hungry"

"Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done"

"Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things"

Management of Perception Economics (MOPE)

Mancession (man + recession)

"Mandate freedom"

"Mandate vegetables"

Manfluence (man + influence); Manfluencer (man + influencer)

Manhatin' (feminist cocktail)

Manhatitlán (Manhattan + Tenochtitlan)

"Manhattan" (1925) (not "I'll Take Manhattan")

Manhattan Clam Chowder (Coney Island Clam Chowder; Fulton Market Clam Chowder)

Manhattan Cocktail

Manhattan College (in the Bronx)

Manhattan Cooler (cocktail)

Manhattan Distance

Manhattan Drop (wrestling)

Manhattan of the Middle East (Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Tel Aviv nickname)

"Manhattan of the South" (Brickell in Miami, Florida)

"Manhattan on the Maas" (Rotterdam, the Netherlands)

"Manhattan on the Potomac" (Rosslyn, Arlington VA)

Manhattan Project

Manhattan Rubber (bowling ball)

Manhattan Sandwich (similar to Denver Sandwich/Western Sandwich)

Manhattan Schist

Manhattan Silver/White (drugs)

Manhattan Skyline (Tombstoning)

Manhattan Solstice (Manhattanhenge or Sensational Sunset)

Manhattan Special Espresso Coffee Soda (from Brooklyn)

"Manhattan--The Heart of the Big Apple"

Manhattan Transfer

Manhattan Truffle (Tartufo)

Manhattan Wiring (electronics)

Manhattanesque

Manhattanistan (Manhattan + -istan)

Manhattanite (inhabitant of Manhattan)

Manhattanization

Manhattan's Other Island (Roosevelt Island)

ManhattAnt (Manhattan + ant)

Manicotti

"Manicotti are just Italian enchiladas"

"Manicotti implies the existence of pedicotti"

Manitos ("little brothers" or Spanish-speaking New Mexicans)

Mannouncer (man + announcer); Mannouncing

"Manny Hanny" (Manufacturers Hanover Trust)

MaNo (Manhattan North)

Manske Rolls

Manspreading

Manufactroversy (manufactured controversy)

Manufacturers Hangover (Manufacturers Hanover nickname)

"Many are cold, but few are frozen"

"Many failures did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up"

"Many fine things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow"

"Many great things can be done in a day if you don't always make that day tomorrow"

"Many have eaten here -- few have died"

"Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem" (homeschool)

"Many people ask me why I drink so much whiskey. It’s actually because I have a genetic condition.

"Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits"

"Many people spend money they haven't earned...to impress people they don't like"

Many Trains Absent (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it"

Manzana Principal (suggested in 1966)

"Maple syrup is just boiled tree blood"

"Maple syrup is thicker than blood" (joke)

"Maple syrup is tree blood"

Mapo Tofu (Ma Po Tofu)

Maprilay (May + April)

Maque Chou (Maque Choux; Maquechou; Maquechoux)

Marble Cake

Marble Ceiling

Marble Row (Fifth Avenue, between 57th and 58th Streets)

"March 17 is over, please resume your normal nationality. See you all on May 5"

March Madness (NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship)

"Marching Band: Making socially awkward kids feel accepted since July"

"Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really"

"Marching Bands of Manhattan" (2005)

Mardi Gras City (New Orleans nickname)

Marfa Lights

Marfa (summary)

Marfaite (inhabitant of Marfa)

Marfan (inhabitant of Marfa)

Margarita Cheesecake

Margarita Chicken (Chicken Margarita)

Margarita (cocktail)

Margarita Monday

Margarita Pie

"Margaritas are just adult slurpees"

"Margaritas because it's Mexico somewhere"

Margin Stanley (Morgan Stanley nickname)

Marguery Sauce (Filet of Sole Marguery)

"Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination. It's the reason ice mocha lot of weed"

"Marijuana is a gateway drug...to what? My refrigerator?"

"Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won"

Marinara Sauce

"Marinara sauce is just Italian salsa"

"Marine: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

Mark Green and Audrey Munson ("Civic Fame")

Mark-to-Fiction Accounting (imaginary mark-to-market accounting)

Mark-to-Unicorn Accounting (imaginary mark-to-market accounting)

Mark Twain (nautical term and name)

Marketplace for the World (Javits Convention Center)

"Bull markets climb a wall of worry" (Wall Street proverb)

"Markets don't crash from all-time highs"

"Markets make managers"

"Markets make opinions"

Marmageddon (Marmite + Armageddon)

Marranitos or Cochinitos or Puerquitos (little gingerbread pigs)

"Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work"

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Marriage is a workshop...where the husband works and the wife shops"

"Marriage is about love and divorce is about money"

"Marriage is like a deck of cards" (joke)

"Marriage is when a man loses his Bachelor's degree and a woman gets her Master's degree"

"Marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle"

"Marriage: When 8 hours having someone point out your flaws at work just isn't enough"

Marriage Without Formalities (Common Law Marriage)

"Married men told their wives, 'I'll do that when I have the time'" (quarantine joke)

"Marry a girl from Texas -- no matter how tough things get, she's tougher"

"Merry crisis and a happy new fear"

"Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours"

Marshallite (inhabitant of Marshall)

"Marshmallows don’t dissolve. They use hot cocoa as a way to teleport to their homeworld"

Martha or Martha Washington Bridge (lower level of George Washington Bridge)

"Martial arts implies the existence of martial crafts"

Martini Shot (final film shot of day)

"Martinis are like women's breasts. One isn't enough and three are too many"

"Marx failed to consider that workplace pizza parties can be kinda fun"

Marxette (female Marxist)

Marxocrat (Marxist + Democrat); Marxocratic

"Mary and Abby!"/"Mary and Abby who?"/"Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!"

Mary Ann Pan (Mary Ann Cake Pan)

"Mary has 2 glasses of wine. She drinks 1 and buys 2 more. What does Mary have now? Happiness"

"Mary, I'm having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this again"

Mary Pickford (cocktail)

Maryland: Clam Thumper or Craw Thumper (nickname)

Maryland: Old Line State (nickname)

"Mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole"

"Mashed potatoes are the potato version of applesauce"

"Mashed potatoes beg the question: 'what else could we massively improve by squashing it?'"

Mask Debate

Mask Debater

"Mask it or casket" (face mask slogan)

Mask Mouth

Mask Trap (police trap for enforcing face mask use)

Maskhole (face mask + asshole)

Maskist

Maskne (face mask + acne)

"Masks are the new bra..."

Masktard (face mask + retard)

Mason (Fruit) Jar

Massachusetts: Bay State (nickname)

Massachusetts: Taxachusetts (nickname)

Massapequa: Massapizza (nickname)

Massapequa: Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (nickname)

Massive Bank Account ("MBA" backronym)

Massive Bank Account ("MBA" backronym)

Master Bullshit Artist ("MBA" backronym)

Master of the Universe

Masturbator of the Universe (banker nickname)

Matchstick Potatoes (Matchstick Fries)

"Math is a drama queen. It can't seriously have that many problems"

"Math is like love -- a simple idea, but it can get complicated"

"Math is the source code of the universe. Physics is the anti-cheat of the universe"

"Math puns are the first sine of madness"

"Math tells us of the three saddest love stories..."

"Math -- the only subject that counts"

"Math trumps politics"

"Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence"

"Mathematics is like love -- a simple idea, but it can get complicated"

"Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent imagination"

"Mathematics is the cheapest science"

"Mathematics is the second-cheapest department at any college"

"Mathematics is the source code of the universe"

Maturialism (mature + materialism)

Matzah Ball Soup (Matza Ball Soup; Matzoh Ball Soup; Matzo Ball Soup)

Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (Massapequa nickname)

Mausoleum (Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum nickname)

Maven or Mavin

Maverick

Maxxinista (T.J. Maxx + fashionista)

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions"

"May and December can never agree" (May and December marriage proverb)

May-December Romance (May and December Romance)

"May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your business"

"May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your mf business"

"May everything you want this weekend be within reach of the couch"

"May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of your couch"

"May I have a large container of coffee right now?" (Pi mnemonic for 3.141592653)

"May is like the Friday night of summer"

"May is like the Thursday of summer"

"May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home..." (Irish blessing)

"May none of your real feelings slip out at Thanksgiving dinner"

"May our home know joy, each room hold laughter"

May Take Awhile (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"May the Fourth be with you" (Star Wars Day, May 4th)

"May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you..." (Irish blessing)

"May the luck of the Irish lead to happiest heights..." (Irish blessing)

"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back..." (Irish blessing)

"May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends beneath it never fall out"

"May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch"

"May today be the Fridayest Friday that ever Fridayed"

"May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience..." (Irish toast)

"May you be blessed with the spirit of the season, which is peace..."

"May you have the gladness of Christmas, which is hope..."

"May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live"

"May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve"

"May you never be too old to search the skies on Christmas Eve"

"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go"

"May your burdens be light and your coffee be strong"

"May your coffee be hot and your eyeliner be even"

"May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short"

"May your coffee be strong and your lashes be long"

"May your coffee be strong and your students be calm"

"May your coffee be strong and your students be calm" (teacher saying)

"May your coffee be strong and your Sunday be long"

"May your coffee be strong, your lashes be long, and your Monday be short"

"May your coffee be stronger than your toddler"

"May your coffee kick in before reality does"

"May your coffee, pelvic floor, intuition and self-appreciation be strong"

"May your college memories last as long as your student loan payments"

"May your college memories last longer than your student loan payments"

"May your devastating winter blues give way to your debilitating spring allergies"

"May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always..."

"May your house always be too small to hold all your friends"

"May your kilt be short enough to dance a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Instagram"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on social media"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Twitter"

"May your Monday be asshole, fucktard, douchebag, asshat, twatface & motherfucker free!"

"May your Monday be asshole, fucktard, douchebag, moron, twatface and motherfucker free!"

"May your morning coffee give you the strength to make it to your mid-morning coffee"

"May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light" (Irish blessing)

"May your soul be in heaven before the devil knows you're dead" (toast)

"May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!"

"May your troubles be less and your blessings be more" (toast)

"May your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions"

"May your turkey be moist and may no one use that word to describe it"

"May your weekend be full of adventure and cheer; may the start of next week be long ways from here"

"Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either"

"Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called 'beautiful' chocolate, just one time"

"Maybe I should've said DiMaggio?" (talking dog joke)

"Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us"

"Maybe if we email the Constitution to each other, the NSA would finally read it?"

"Maybe if we'd made the 'Most Wanted' feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now"

"Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it"

"Maybe Monday doesn’t like you, either"

"Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we decompose and they can eat us"

"Maybe plants are farming us, supplying us with oxygen until we all die, then decompose"

"Maybe serial killers are just regular people on a no carb diet"

"Maybe serial killers are just regular people on the keto diet"

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's the caffeine"

"Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s quarantine"

"Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe it’s quarantine"

"Maybe the world would be a better place if we just wrapped it up in bacon"

"Maybe they call it 'take-home pay' because there is no other place you can afford to go with it"

"Maybe they should call it the Squirrel Flu because everyone is nuts and hoarding everything"

"Maybe vampires are only evil because they’re incapable of self reflection"

"Mayo is just egg jam"

"Mayo is just food glue"

"Mayo is just sandwich lube"

Mayo (mayonnaise)

Mayonegg (mayonnaise + egg)

"Mayonnaise is bread lotion"

"Mayonnaise is just egg jam"

"Mayonnaise is just food glue"

"Mayonnaise is sandwich lube"

Mayor Pothole or Senator Pothole (responsive to constituent needs)

Mayor's Cup Handball Tournament

"Mayor's Eye" & "Get the worms out of the Big Apple" (Dept. of Investigation)

Mayor's Trophy

Mazda Lane (Broadway)

Mazuma (money slang)

McAllenite (inhabitant of McAllen)

McDiving (McDonald's + diving)

McDo (McDonald's nickname)

"McDonald’s apple pies are just sweet Hot Pockets"

"McDonald’s is making a deep fried pickle covered in batter. They are calling it Mc Dill Dough"

McEverything (all McDonald's sandwiches)

McGurk's Suicide Hall (the Bowery)

McHattan (McDonald's + Manhattan)

McKinneyite (inhabitant of McKinney)

McNasty's (McDonald's nickname)

McSteak (McDonald's + steak)

McStrike (labor strike of fast food workers)

"Me and my buddies at the gun club often go to the cheese shop, just to shoot the bries"

"Me and my friends are in a band called 'Duvet.' We're a cover band"

"Me and my limbo team go way back"

"Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?/Me while driving: I hate everyone"

"Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink..."

"Me bringing a jar of Vaseline to the cash register when mom sends me to buy a cucumber..."

"Me driving at night: I hope this is the road"

"Me eating: / My white shirt: Let me taste it."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

"Me flirting: If you were a cheeto, you'd be a hot cheeto"

"Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails any more? Boss: What?"

"Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus"

"Me: I want to travel. Bank account: Where? To work?"

"Me: I'm sad. I need a purpose My brain: Did you say a purchase?"

"Me: It's not about how many times you fall... Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work."

"Me looking outside to see what chapter of Revelation we're doing today"

"Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle 'farts'!"

"Me: Sorry I’m late. I broke down on the way to work. Boss: Is your car working fine now?"

"Me: This meeting could’ve been an email. Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit."

"Me: This show is boring. Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference."

"Me: What's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first."

Meadery

Meal Ticket

"Mean tweets imply the existence of median tweets and mode tweets"

"Mean without caffeine"

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch"

Meat and Three (Meat and Two)

Meat Cloud

"Meat consumed as comfort food is also an emotional support animal"

Meat Goat Capital of America (Mills County nickname)

"Meat is murder. Milk is misery"

"Meat is murder -- tasty, tasty murder"

"Meat so tender, you can leave your teeth at home" (Pit Stop BBQ, Waxahachie)

Meatarian

Meatatarian

Meatball Sandwich (Meatball Hero; Meatball Sub; Meatball Grinder; Meatball Hoagie)

"Meatballs are bite-sized meatloaf"

"Meatballs are just the cupcake versions of meatloaf"

Meatery (meat eatery)

Meatkini (meat + bikini)

Meatless Monday

"Meatloaf is a meatball cake"

"Meatloaf is a rectangular meatball"

Meatloaf (Meat Loaf)

Meaty Urologist ("meteorologist" pun)

Mecca (Madison Square Garden nickname)

Mecca of Telephone Men

Mecca on the Hudson

"Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets"

Media Doesn't Matter (Media Matters nickname)

"'Media' is the plural of 'mediocre'"

"Media is the real virus"

Media Mutters (Media Matters nickname)

"Media: Scientist claims 'Findings are meaningless'" (joke)

Mediacracy (media + -cracy); Mediaocracy (media + -ocracy)

Mediacrat (media + -crat)

Medicaid Mill (or Medicare Mill)

"Medical diagnosis is rarely black and white unless it's a chess infection"

"Medical error is one of the leading causes of death. You better be doing your own research"

Medical Industrial Complex

Medicated Majority

"Medicine is not health care. Food is health care. Medicine is sick care"

"Medicine is not healthcare. Food is healthcare. Medicine is sickcare"

Medicrat (medical + bureaucrat)

Mediocre But Aggressive ("MBA" backronym)

Mediocre But Arrogant ("MBA" backronym)

Mediot (media + idiot)

Mediscare (Medicare + scare)

"Meditation, because some questions can't be answered by Google"

Mee Krob or Mi Krop (Thai noodle dish)

Meekly Standard (Weekly Standard nickname)

"Meet a new Monday and remember that happiness is a choice"

"Meet cute" (romantic comedy rule)

"Meet Me at Clark Street" (St. George Hotel)

Meet Me at/under...

Megadonor

Megatall (a skyscraper over 600 meters or 1,968 feet tall)

MeinSpace (Parler nickname)

Melancauliflower or Melancholiflower (melancholy + cauliflower); Meloncauliflower, Meloncholiflower

Melba Toast (Toast Melba)

Mello Roll or Mell-O-Roll ("Up your hole with a Mello Roll!")

"Mello Yello is a poor man's Mountain Dew. It can't even afford the W's"

"Mello Yello is a poor man's Mountain Dew"

Melody Lane (West 28th Street)

Melody Lane (West 28th Street, also called "Tin Pan Alley")

"Melon + Broccoli = Meloncholy (The saddest vegetable in existence)"

Melt (Tuna Melt; Patty Melt; Fatty Melt)

Melt Up (Meltup)

Meltdown

"Melted cheese is just food glue"

Melting Pot; Mixing Bowl; Mosaic

Melville: Hellville (nickname)

"Meme them until they cry. Then make memes about them crying. -- Sun Tzu"

Memela (appetizer)

"Memes are just inside jokes that the whole internet is a part of"

"Memes do a better job at reporting current events than the main stream media"

"Memes do a better job at reporting current events than the news does"

"Memorial Day -- honor their deaths by questioning anyone calling for more of them"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill in New York"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I am from"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I live"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I’m from"

Memory Vitamin (Choline nickname)

"Men are like bank accounts -- without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest"

"Men are like chocolate bars -- sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips"

"Men are like coffee -- the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long"

"Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere"

"Men are like floor tiles" (joke)

"Men are like wine — age sours the bad and betters the good"

"Men are like wine; some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age"

"Men at 20 play football, at 30 play tennis, at 40 play golf..." (joke)

"Men build houses; women build homes"

"Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want"

"Men have feelings, too. For example, we feel hungry"

"Men have feelings, too. Sometimes we feel thirsty"

"Men have only two emotions -- hungry and horny"

"Men like football because the priorities are Scoring and Ball Security"

"Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men"

"Men: No Shirt, No Service -- Women: No Shirt, No Charge" (restaurant sign)

"Men of quality do not fear equality"

"Men of quality don't fear equality"

"Men who cook will do that thing you like..."

"Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom"

Mental Abuse To Humans ("math" backronym)

Mental Attack To Healthy Students ("maths" backronym)

Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students ("maths" backronym)

Menudo

Menurkey (menorah + turkey)

Menuspeak

MePa (Meat Packing District)

Mercedes Marxist

"Mercury, closest planet to the sun, -173 degrees Celsius at night. First world problems"

"Merde!" (theatrical saying, meaning "good luck")

Merger Monday

'Merikkka (America + KKK)

"Merlot, is it me you're looking for?"

Mermaid Parade

Meroir (sea version of terroir)

"Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from your doorman -- second notice"

"Merry everything and a happy always"

"Merry Tex-mas, Y'all!"

Mess Box

Mess Wagon

Messed-up Monday

MessNBC or MesSNBC (MSNBC nickname)

MessNBC or MesSNBC (MSNBC nickname)

"Met Gala is just Burning Man for rich(er) people"

"Met Gala is the ugly sweater contest for the upper class"

Meteoronomics (meteorology + economics)

Meteoronomist or Weatherconomist (meteorologist/weatherman + economist)

Metronome

Metroplex (Dallas/Fort Worth nickname)

"Metropolis is New York by day; Gotham City is New York by night"

Metropolis (New Metropolis)

Metropolis of America

Metropolis of the South (New Orleans nickname)

MetroStars/Red Bulls (professional soccer team)

Metrotard

Mets (National League baseball team)

Mex-Mex and New Mex-Mex

Mexi-Skins (potato skins)

Mexiaite (inhabitant of Mexia)

Mexicali (Mexicalli)

Mexican Banana Split

Mexican Brownie

"Mexican by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Mexican Caviar (ant larvae or escamoles)

Mexican Caviar (huitlacoche or corn smut)

Mexican Chocolate or Mexican Hot Chocolate (and "molinillo" or "little mill")

Mexican Combination Plate

Mexican Cranberries (cranberries + jalapeños)

Mexican Day Parade

Mexican Eggs Benedict

Mexican Food Shit (Mexican Shits; Taco Shits; Screamers)

Mexican Pizza

"Mexican pizza is just a flat taco"

Mexican Po'boy Sandwich or Mexican Poor Boy Sandwich (Torta)

Mexican Polka (Conjunto)

Mexican Potato (jicama nickname)

Mexican Rice

Mexican Roadblock (Mexican Road Block)

Mexican Standoff

Mexican Straw Hat (similar to Frito pie)

Mexican Truffle or Mexican Corn Truffle (huitlacoche or corn smut)

Mexican Turnip (jicama nickname)

Mexican't

Mexicatessen (Mexican + Delicatessen)

Mexicoke (Mexican Coke)

Mexonesian (Mexican + Polynesian)

Mexploitation (Mexican + exploitation)

MFFL (Mavericks Fan For Life)

MFM (MSM nickname)

MGM (Merrill Lynch + Goldman Sachs + Morgan Stanley)

"Mi casa es su casa but mi taco es mi taco"

"Mi casa es su casa pero mi taco es mi taco"

"Mi mosa es su mosa"

"Mi taco es mi taco"

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die" (Lenny Bruce)

"Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free..."

Michelada ("my cold beer")

Michigan: Michigander (nickname)

MICIMATT (Military-Industrial-Congressional-Intelligence-Media-Academia-Think-Tank complex)

Mickey D's (McDonald's nickname)

Micro Apartment

Micro-bakery

Micro-loft

Micro-recipe

Microbrewery

Microneighborhood

"Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently"

"Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently"

Microwave Legislation

"Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes"

"Microwave: (noun) A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello"

"Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work"

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"

"Middle Age: When your age starts to show around the middle"

Midlander (inhabitant of Midland)

Midnight Regulation

Midtown International Theatre Festival

Migas (crumbs)

"Might have to start doing some of that shady Klondike Bar shit for a gallon of gas soon"

"Might join the cicadas this summer & scream constantly"

"Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute"

Might Take Awhile (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Mike and Ike (salt and pepper shakers; jelly candy)

"Mike's Hard Lemonade is just Capri Sun for adults"

"Mike’s Hard Lemonade is just Kool-Aid for adults"

Milanesa

"Mild salsa is like decaf coffee or nonalcoholic beer"

"Mild salsa is like decaf coffee. Pointless"

"Mild salsa is like non-alcoholic beer. Pointless"

"Mild salsa tastes like cold tomato soup"

"Mild salsa tastes like ketchup"

"Mild salsa tastes like marinara sauce"

"Mild salsa tastes like spaghetti sauce"

"Mild salsa tastes like tomato paste"

"Mild salsa tastes like tomato sauce"

Mildew Plaza (Milford Plaza nickname)

"MILF Man I Love Food"

MILF (Man, I Love Friday)

MILF (Man, I Love Fridays)

"MILF Man I Love Fried chicken"

"MILF Man I Love Fried rice"

"MILF Man I Love Frybread"

Milhous (middle name to imply "Nixonian")

"Military chaplains bring God to soldiers and soldiers to God"

"Military chefs are literally serving their country"

Military City, USA (San Antonio nickname)

Military-Industrial Complex

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music"

Milk Carton Politician

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Maltesers"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Riesen"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Rolos"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Whoppers"

"Milk in soda is gross, but ice cream in soda is good"

"Milk is good, but it could be butter"

"Milk is misery and then murder"

"Milk loves cookies"

Milk Shake (Milkshake)

Milk Toast (Milquetoast)

Milkaholic

"Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place"

Millinery District

"Million-dollar arm, ten-cent head"

"Million-dollar ideas are a dime a dozen"

Million Dollar Movie

Million Dollar Rain

"Million Dollar Video Game Idea: A game that teaches gamers how to say words to women"

Millionaire Pie (Furr's cafeterias)

Millionaire's Building or Power Building/Tower of Power (740 Park Avenue)

Millionaires' Row (Fifth Avenue)

Millrose Games & Wanamaker Mile

Milquetoast (after Caspar Milquetoast)

MiMA (Middle of Manhattan)

"Mimosa es su mosa"

"Mimosas are dangerous as f*ck. One minute you're eating breakfast..."

"Mimosas are dangerous because they taste like juice and then you're blacked out"

"Mimosas are scary because they taste like juice and then you can’t walk"

"Mind over chatter"

"Mind your business" (business proverb)

"Mind your own beeswax" (beeswax = business)

"Mind your own tits" (breastfeeding saying)

"Minds are like parachutes -- they only function when open"

"Mineral water is just spicy water"

Minerality

Mini-Apple or Minneapple (Minneapolis, Minnesota)

Mini-Madoff (Mini-Me + Bernard Madoff)

Mini-camp (Minicamp)

Minilivestock

"Minimalism is a scam invented by big small to sell more less"

Mink Brigade

Minnesota Strip (Eighth Avenue, near Port Authority Bus Terminal)

Minnesota: Bread and Butter State (nickname)

Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Lakes (nickname)

Minnesota: "Land of the ski and home of the crazed"

Minnesota: "Land of Two Seasons: Winter Is Coming and Winter Is Here"

Minnesota: Minny (abbreviation)

Minnesota: New England of the West (nickname)

Minnesota: North Star State (nickname)

Minnesota: "Where the elite meet the sleet"

"Minor surgery is surgery that happens to someone else"

Minsky Moment (Minsky Crisis)

"Mint is just reverse spicy"

MINT (Mexico + Indonesia + Nigeria + Turkey)

Mint Ratio

"Minty is just cold spicy"

"Minty is just reverse spicy"

Minute Steak

"Minutes From Bloomingdale's" (Roosevelt Island, Astoria, Long Island City)

Miracle at the New Meadowlands (2010 Giants collapse)

Miracle on Madison Avenue

"Miracle on the Hudson" (US Airways Flight 1549)

"Mirinda is a poor man's Fanta"

"Mirror mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up after I fall"

Mirrortocracy (mirror + meritocracy)

Mischief Night (October 30th)

Miscvegeneation or Misvegenation (miscegenation + vegetation/vegetable)

"Miser -- A person who lets the world go buy"

Misogymnast/Misogymnist or Mysogymnast/Mysogymnist (misogynist + gymnast)

Miss Brooklyn (proposed Brooklyn skyscraper)

Miss Canada

Miss Liberty & Queen of Lost New York (Hettie Anderson, model)

"Miss one day of practice, I notice; miss two, the critics notice; miss three, the audience notices"

Miss Subways

Mission City (San Antonio nickname)

Missionite (inhabitant of Mission)

Mississippi Mud Cake (Mississippi Mud Pie)

Mississippi: Tadpole (nickname)

Mississippi: "What do you call a hippie’s wife?"/"Mississippi."

"Mississippi: "What has four eyes and cannot see?"/"Mississippi."

Missouri: "How did Flori die?"/"She died in Missouri."

Mistake on the Lake

"Mistakes are a great educator when one is honest enough to admit them"

"Mistakes are proof that you are trying"

"Mistakes happen. Don't dwell on them. Just blame somebody else and move on"

"Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others"

"Mistakes just mean you're trying"

Mistakesman (Austin American-Statesman nickname)

Mitzvah Mobile (Mitzvah Tank)

Mixed Bathing (Mixed Swimming)

"Mixed emotions -- when your mother-in-law drives your new car off a cliff"

Mixed Fries (french fries + sweet potato fries)

Mixed Grill

"Mixed martial arts implies the existence of mixed martial crafts"

"Mixing and matching gummy bear brands? That's polygummy"

"Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is bad for your joints"

Mixiote

Mixologist

"Mm" or "Mmm" or "Mmmm" ("Mm! Mm! Good!" & "MMMM...TOASTY")

"M&M's are a poor man's Smarties"

MOASS (Mother Of All Short Squeezes)

Mobilehoma (Oklahoma nickname)

Mobzdale or Mobsdale (Rosedale, Queens)

MoCA (Museum of Chinese in the Americas) & MoCCA (Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art)

Mockamole (mock guacamole)

Mockingbird Media

Mocktail (non-alcoholic cocktail)

Moctezuma's Revenge or Montezuma's Revenge (traveler's diarrhea)

"'Moderate Republican' -- that's kind of like having a gun rack on a Volvo"

"Modern baseball implies the existence of ancient cringeball"

"Modern Education: Creating people who are smart enough to accurately repeat what they're told"

Modern Gomorrah

"Modern man is frantically trying to earn enough to buy things he's too busy to enjoy"

"Modern slaves are not in chains. They are in debt"

"Modern slaves are not in chains. They are in debts"

Moderna Mambo

Mofongo

Moink Ball (bacon-wrapped meatball)

"Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo"

Mojito Monday

"Molasses -- what do they do with the rest of the mole?"

Molcajete

Mollete

Molotes (Oaxacan "cigars")

Molten Chocolate Cake

Mom In Love with Fitness (MILF)

Mom 'n 'em (Mom an' 'em)

"MOM stands for Mother, not Made Of Money"

"Mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it" (joke)

"Mom, when I grow up, I'd like to be a musician" (joke)

MoMA (Museum of Modern Art)

MoMath (Museum of Mathematics)

Mombo Sauce

Mom Wine (Mommy Wine)

"Moments of silence are part of the music"

"Momentum is only as good as the next day's starter" (baseball adage)

"Mommy and daddy's little tax deduction" (a young child)

"Mommy, can i lick the bowl?" (joke)

Mommy's Sippy Cup (a wine glass)

"Moms are like buttons. They hold everything together"

"Monday after Super Bowl should be a national holiday"

"Monday! I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee!"

"Monday is a state of mind. Put on your positive pants and get stuff done!"

"Monday is a state of mind. Put your positive pants on and get stuff done!"

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life"

"Monday is for people with a mission"

"Monday is just Taco Tuesday Eve"

"Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems"

"Monday is one of my favorite days of the week -- my 7th favorite"

"Monday is the perfect day to correct last week’s mistakes"

"Monday, Joe got drunk on gin and soda water...Soda water causes drunkenness" (joke)

"Monday. Let's go and grab it by the coffee beans"

Monday Morning Quarterback

"Monday must be a man. It comes too quickly"

"Monday: Nothing a glass of wine can't fix"

"Monday plan: Drink coffee, Be awesome, Ignore negativity"

"Monday should be optional"

"Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday blink Monday"

"Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday blink Monday"

"Monday. You. Bastard."

"Monday? You mean Taco Tuesday Eve!"

"Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks"

"Mondays are for fresh starts"

"Mondays are for people with a mission"

"Mondays are my favorite day to question all my life decisions"

"Mondays are now 'Taco Tuesday Eve' until further notice"

"Mondays are the potholes in the road of life"

"Mondays aren't so bad. It's your job that sucks"

"Mondays should be given a restraining order"

"Mondays suck so hard, they should work in porn"

"Mondays: The only day you can wear the exact same outfit as yesterday without anyone knowing"

Monetary Morphine (printing money)

"Money can buy a lot of things, but it doesn’t wiggle its butt every time you come in the door"

"Money can't buy friends, but it can get a better class of enemy"

"Money can't buy happiness"

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream"

"Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a car than on a bicycle"

"Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty"

"Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything"

"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it"

"Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal"

"Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty can buy you misery"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty can't buy you anything"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty will buy you nothing"

Money Doctor (Doctor of Medicine or MD backronym)

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but neither does poverty"

"Money doesn't grow on trees" (financial proverb)

"Money doesn't make happiness. It buys it already made"

"Money doesn't talk, it screams"

"Money doesn't talk, it swears"

Money Down (third down in football)

"Money follows ministry"

"Money for jam" (easy money)

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike"

"Money goes where money is"

"Money? I haven't heard that name in years"

"Money in politics is like squeezing a balloon" (air/water is displaced)

"Money in politics is like water flowing downhill" (unstoppable)

"Money in the bank" (financial saying for a "sure thing")

"Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween. That should save me a bob"

"Money is like an arm or a leg -- use it or lose it"

"Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around"

"Money is not free speech. Corporations are not people"

"Money is something you got to make in case you don't die"

"Money is the mother's milk of politics"

"Money is to New York City as power is to Washington, D.C."

"Money isn't the most important thing. Love is. Fortunately, I love money"

"Money launderers are filthy rich!"

"Money makes the world go round"

Money Making Manhattan (Money Makin' Manhattan)

"Money, Marbles and Chalk" ("Money, Marbles or Chalk")

"Money may not buy friends, but it will help you stay in contact with your children"

Money Muscle (pork butt)

"Money no longer talks -- it now goes without saying"

Money Note

Money Taking Agency (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Money talks, bullshit walks"

"Money talks, but credit has an echo" ("Money talks, but credit uses sign language")

"Money talks, chocolate sings"

"Money talks, gold screams" ("Money talks, gold shouts")

"Money talks, nobody walks"

"Money talks" (proverb)

"Money talks, wealth whispers"

Money Thrown Away (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Money Train

"Money trumps politics"

"Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail"

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study it"

Moneybomb (Money Bomb)

"Money's short, times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card"

Moneyvangelist (money + evangelist)

Mongole Soup (Potage Mongole; Purée Mongole; Creme Mongole)

Mongolian Barbecue

Mongolian Beef

"Monkey bars imply the existence of monkey bartenders"

Monkey Bread

Monkey Court (monkey business + kangaroo court)

Monkey Munch (cereal snack)

Monkey Ward (Montgomery Ward nickname)

"Monkeys write" (New York Times anagram)

"Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail"

Monoscuit or Uniscuit (similar to "biscuit" and "Triscuit")

"Monotony is a bored game. Monopoly is a board game"

"Monotony is my favorite bored game"

Monsatan (Monsanto + satan)

Montana: Stub Toe State (nickname)

Montauk: The End (nickname)

Montauk: The Un-Hamptons (nickname)

Monte Cristo (sandwich)

Montezuma's Revenge or Moctezuma's Revenge (traveler's diarrhea)

Montgomery Pie

Month 01 -- January

Month 02 -- February

Month 03 -- March

Month 04 -- April

Month 05 -- May

Month 06 -- June

Month 07 -- July

Month 08 -- August

Month 09 -- September

Month 10 -- October

Month 11 -- November

Month 12 -- December

Monticello: Mighty M (Monticello Raceway nickname)

Monument District

Monumental City (Baltimore nickname)

"MONY MONY" (1968)

Moo Goo Gai Pan (Chinese chicken with mushrooms)

Moola or Moolah (money slang)

Moola Shmoola (Moolah Shmoolah; Moola Schmoola; Moolah Schmoolah)

Moom Picher or Moom Pitcher (motion/moving picture)

"Moon Pies are basically s'mores in different flavors"

"Moon Pies are inside out s'mores"

"Moon Pies are just cold s'mores"

"Moon Pies are just uncooked s’mores"

"Moon River" (1961); "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1995)

Moonbat

Moonbatmobile (moonbat + automobile)

Moonbats Spouting Nothing But Crap (MSNBC nickname)

Moonbats Spouting Nothing But Crap (MSNBC nickname)

Moonbatty (moonbat + batty)

Moonlight Towers & Moonlight City (Austin nickname)

Moonshine Monday

"Moose on the table" (big or difficult issue)

Moose Tracks (ice cream)

Mooshine (moo + moonshine)

Mop Sauce (Mopping Sauce; Moppin' Sauce)

MOPAC (Missouri-Pacific; Loop 1; More Packed; More Parked; SLOPAC; SLOWPAC)

Morale Vitamin (Thiamine or Thiamin or Vitamin B1 nickname)

"Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what everybody else is doing"

"'More coffee, Hun?' -- Southern waitress serving Attila"

"More companies die of indigestion than starvation"

"More exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't is a wife who can't cook and will"

"More horses' asses than horses"

"More Money For Your Money" (Emigrant Savings Bank)

"More money has been lost reaching for yield than at the point of a gun"

"More people like baseball than football because they don't need a college education to get tickets"

"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin"

More Shit or More of the Same (Master of Science or MS backronym)

More Stupid Nonsense Bull Crap (MSNBC nickname)

"More Than Awful (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren"

"More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren"

More Trouble Ahead (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Moresoupial ("more soup" pun on "marsupial")

Morir Soñando ("To die dreaming" Dominican drink)

"Morning forecast: Slightly exhausted with 100% chance of needing coffee"

"Morning has broken; Mr. Coffee has spoken"

Morning Schmo or Morning Schmoe (MSNBC's Morning Joe nickname)

Morning Schmo or Morning Schmoe (MSNBC’s Morning Joe nickname)

"Morning sex. Proven to be more effective than coffee"

"Morning traffic is like waiting in line to go to work"

Morning Zoo (Z-100, radio station WHTZ)

"Mornings are for coffee and contemplation"

Morntelly (New York Morning Telegraph nickname)

Moroccan Cigar (meat/vegetable-filled crispy wrapper)

Moron Stanley (Morgan Stanley nickname)

Moron Virus or Morona Virus (moron + coronavirus)

Morona Virus or Moron Virus (moron + coronavirus)

Moronavirus or Moronvirus (moron + coronavirus)

Moron.org or MorOn.org (MoveOn.org nickname)

Moronvirus or Moronavirus (moron + coronavirus)

Mortgage Mom

Moscow Mule (cocktail)

Moscow-on-the-Brazos (Austin nickname)

Moscow on the Colorado (Austin nickname)

Moscow on the Hudson (Upper West Side)

"Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud"

Moses' Law: Don't eat in park concessions!

Most Air-Conditioned City in the Nation (Houston slogan)

"Most airline food is pretty bad, but their haggis is just plane offal"

"Most Americans think the Federal Reserve is a national park"

"Most bicyclists in New York City obey instinct far more than they obey the traffic laws"

"Most board games have one winner and multiple losers. Jenga has one loser and multiple winners"

"Most Dangerous Place" (between a politician and a camera or microphone)

"Most Dangerous Place" (between Senator Phil Gramm and a camera or microphone)

"Most Effective Devil In America" ("media" backronym)

Most Effective Devil In America ("media" backronym)

Most Exciting Team in Sports (New York Mets nickname)

"Most kids today don't even know who St. Pancake is"

"Most meetings take place in bored rooms"

"Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not"

"Most of the best-sellers are cookbooks and diet books — how not to eat it after you've cooked it"

"Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands"

"Most part-time jobs ironically want you to have full-time availability"

"Most pastas are very serious, but there are a fusilli"

"Most people don't care about your problems, and the rest are glad you have them"

"Most people overgeneralize"

"Most people want to serve got, but only in an advisory capacity"

"Most people wearing the Che Guevara shirt would have been killed by Che Guevara"

"Most people wish to serve God, but in an advisory capacity only"

"Most people wish to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit"

"Most people would be glad to tend their own business if the government would give it back"

"Most problems can be solved with whiskey or nudity. Or BOTH"

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before"

Mostly Mozart

Mother-in-Law of the Army (San Antonio nickname)

Mother-in-Law Sandwich (tamale with chili, usually in a hot dog bun)

Mother-in-Law Sandwich (tongue on rye; cold shoulder and lots of tongue)

Mother In Love with Fitness (MILF)

Mother Merrill (Merrill Lynch nickname)

"Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of Spring..."

"Mother Nature just be throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers"

"Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges"

Mother Of All Short Squeezes (MOASS)

Mother of Texas (Jane Long)

"Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Motherfuckers Touching my Ass (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Motherhood: powered by love, fueled by coffee, sustained by wine"

Motherless Greens (greens without meat)

"Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee"

"Motorboat, motorboat go so slow..." (children's rhyme)

"Motorcyclists wearing face masks but no helmet is the ultimate irony"

Mount Bonnell (place name)

Mount Vernon: Money Earnin' Mount Vernon (nickname)

"Mountain lion in Texas" (joke)

Mountain Oyster (or Prairie Oyster)

Mouthfeel

"Move along! Nothing to see here!"

"Move fast and break things"

Move It Monday

"Move it or lose it" (exercise adage)

"Move over, coffee. Today is a job for champagne"

"Move Tax Day to the day before Election Day"

Movement Conservativism (Movement Conservative)

Mover and Shaker

"Movies are the one time you don’t want front row seats"

"Movies make you famous, television makes you rich and theater makes you good"

"Movies make you rich. television makes you famous, but theatre is what it's all about"

"Movies will make you famous, television will make you rich, but theatre will make you good"

"Movies would be better if they shot less film and more actors"

"Movin' On Up" (Theme to "The Jeffersons") (1975)

Moving Day (May 1st)

Moving Night (October 30th)

"Moving the goal posts" ("Moving the goalposts")

Moxie (carbonated beverage)

Moxie (slang for having heart, courage)

"Mozzarella sticks imply the existence of mozzarella trees"

Mozzarepa (mozzarella + arepa)

Mr. and Mrs. America

Mr. Big

Mr. Bojangles (person and song title)

Mr. Brown ("Mr. Brown Goes to Town") & Miss White (BBQ terms for light/inside and dark/outside meat)

Mr. Irrelevant (last person picked in the NFL draft)

Mr. Met (New York Mets mascot)

Mr. Met And His Journey Through The Big Apple (children's book by Aimee Aryal, 2008)

Mr. Met And His Journey Through The Big Apple (children's book by Aimee Aryal, 2008)

Mr. November (baseball playoffs hero)

Mr. October (baseball playoffs hero)

"Mr. Pibb is a poor man's Dr Pepper"

"Mr. Pibb = the poor man's Dr Pepper. I mean he isn't even a doctor"

Mr. Sands (code name used in a theater)

Mrs. Astor's Pet Horse (Mrs. Astor's Plush Horse)

Mrs. Astor's Plush Horse (Mrs. Astor's Pet Horse)

Mrs. Doubtpfizer (Mrs. Doubtfire + Pfizer)

MSDNC (MSNBC nickname)

MSDNC (MSNBC nickname)

MSGM (Macroeconomic, Systemic, Geopolitical and Monetary risks)

MSLGBT (MSNBC nickname)

MSLGBT (MSNBC nickname)

MSLSD (MSNBC nickname)

MSLSD (MSNBC nickname)

"MSM is the virus"

MSNB-Pravda or MSNBC-Pravda (MSNBC nickname)

MSNB-Pravda or MSNBC-Pravda (MSNBC nickname)

MSNBC White (CNN nickname)

MSNBS (MSNBC nickname)

MSNBS (MSNBC nickname)

MSNPC (MSNBC nickname)

MTA; MetroCard

Much Deeper (Doctor of Medicine or MD backronym)

Muckraker

Mud Bowl (1983 NY Jets-Miami Dolphins AFC Championship)

"Mud is a great leveller" (sports adage)

Muddy Buddies (cereal snack)

Muddy York (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Muffington Post (Huffington Post nickname)

"Muffins are bald cupcakes"

"Muffins are for people who don't have the balls to eat cake for breakfast"

"Muffins are just unfrosted cupcakes"

"'Muffins' spelled backwards is 'Sniffum'"

Muffuletta (Muffaletta; Mufalatta; Muff Sandwich)

Muggers' Express (4 subway line)

Mugwump

Mulita

Mulligan Stew

Mum In Love with Fitness (MILF)

Mumblecore

Mumbo Sauce

Mungo/Mongo

Muppet Trade

Muppetry (muppet + puppetry)

Muppets (derogatory name for financial clients)

Mural Capital of Texas (Breckenridge nickname)

Murder Avenue (Myrtle Avenue)

Murder Burger

Murder City (Ciudad Jua?rez nickname)

Murder, Inc.

Murderapolis (murder + Minneapolis)

Murderers' Row

Murderna (Moderna nickname)

"Murphy’s Slaw: If cabbage can go rotten, it will"

Murray Hell (Murray Hill + hell)

Murray Hiller (inhabitant of Murray Hill, Manhattan)

Murraytown (Murray Hill, Kips Bay, Gramercy & the Flatiron)

"Muscle cars imply the existence of blood, bone, and subcutaneous fat cars"

"Muscle cars imply the existence of bone cars, skin cars and blood cars"

"Muscle cars imply the existence of epithelial, connective, and nerve cars"

Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential ("Marine" backronym)

"Muscles are torn in the gym, fed in the kitchen and built in bed"

Museum Mile

Museum of Fine Foods (Dean & DeLuca nickname)

Mush (sauerkraut & roll)

Mushroom Capital of Texas (Madisonville nickname)

Mushroom Management (Mushroom Theory of Management; Mushroom Treatment)

"Mushrooms, the breakfast of champignons"

"Music always sounds better on Friday"

"Music, dogs, coffee"

"Music is how we decorate time"

"Music is like candy -- you throw away the rappers"

"Music is noise in cursive"

"Music is the space between the notes"

"Music is what feelings sound like"

"Music picks you up from where people leave you"

"Music puns are my forte"

Music Row (West 48th Street)

"Music theory is just math in cursive"

Music Under New York (MUNY)

"Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and violinist"

"Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist"

"Musical puns are my forte"

"Musicians are just therapists that you can party with"

"Musicians are therapists that you can party with"

Muslim Day Parade

Muspandering (Muslim + pandering)

"Mussels are the pistachios of the ocean"

"Mussels are the pistachios of the sea"

"Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir" (drought joke)

"Must be nice being able to watch a movie without the overwhelming urge to Google..."

"Must Lett Tom Pick Onion" (mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions)

Must See TV (NBC); Must Agree TV (MSNBC)

Mustard Pie (mustard on pizza)

Mustard Pizza (mustard on pizza)

Mutton-chop Whiskers

Mutts (New York Mets derogatory nickname)

Mutually Assured Blackmail (MAB)

Muzzletard (face muzzle + retard)

Muzztard or Muztard (Muslim/Muzzie + retard)

"My 2yo referred to her coat pockets as 'snack holes' and this is what I shall forever call them"

"My account balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My account was hacked. If you received an inappropriate message it was still me"

"My accountant went to see a psychiatrist because he kept hearing strange invoices"

"My acrobatic friend likes to paint caged petit pois. He's a trapped peas artist"

"My advice is to invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return"

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily"

"My alone time is for everyone's safety"

"My alone time is for your safety"

"My alone time is sometimes for your safety"

"My alone time with coffee is for everyone's safety"

"My alone time with coffee is for your safety"

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment ("Marine" backronym)

"My attempt to make the perfect halal sandwich failed, when I made a pig's ear of it"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more beer"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more caffeine"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more coffee"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more rum"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more tequila"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more vodka"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more whiskey"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more wine"

"My baggage was lost on a layover in Helsinki. Guess it must have disappeared into Finnair"

"My baker never uses chocolate chips in his cookies. It's okay, I'm sure he has his raisins"

"My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bank account is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation"

"My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bathroom light just went out. I wonder where it's going"

"My bedroom light just went out. I have no idea where it's going"

"My best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides"

"My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food"

"My biggest contribution to workplace safety is having a cup of coffee in the morning"

"My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee while I'm trying to play dead"

"My bills ain't even bills no more. They grown. I call them Williams"

"My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were..."

"My biology teacher grew human vocal chords in the lab. The results speak for themselves"

"My birthstone is a block of cheese"

"My birthstone is a coffee bean"

"My blood test came back today and my blood type changed from 'A positive' to 'darkly roasted'"

"My blood type is dark roast"

"My blood type is dark roast positive"

"My body doesn't produce its own alcohol. Therefore, I'm forced to take a supplement"

"My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet"

"My body is a garden, not a graveyard"

"My body is a temple. Therefore I am a church and exempt from paying taxes"

"My body is a temple...to Dionysus"

"My body is just a filter. Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out"

"My body, my choice"

"My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday. I have a weekend immune system"

"My body used to be a temple. Now it’s a combination of a liquor store & a Mexican restaurant"

"My book club only reads wine labels"

"My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I said he doesn't hire stupid people"

"My boss calls me ‘The Computer.' I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes"

"My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes. I feel like this is the end of my Korea"

"My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant" (joke)

"My boss phoned to ask how large my coffee mug is. It was a big weigh cup call"

"My boss said he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me"

"My boss said to me, 'You're the worst train driver ever!'" (joke)

"My boss told me time is money. I don't buy that for a second"

"My boss told me to have a great day. So I went home"

"My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. But it's okay, I'm self-employed"

"My boss yelled, 'You've been late 3 times this week, Do you know what that means?'"(Wednesday joke)

"My boss yelled, 'You've been late 5 times this week, Do you know what that means?'" (Friday joke)

"My brain has too many tabs open"

"My brother ate a Rolex because I told him 'watch his mouth'"

"My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary. I don't know what he season her"

"My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg's cereals. His job is Raisin Bran awareness"

"My car is a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"My car is covered in sour cream and chives. Last time I ignore a 'hidden dip' sign"

"My car is getting 3 weeks to a gallon" (quarantine joke)

"My car loan identifies as a student loan" (student loan forgiveness joke)

"My car was on E, I put $20 in the tank, now it's on E+"

"My career as a street fighter didn't last very long. I broke my hand punching a curb"

"My cat is wondering why I keep cleaning my ice cream cone"

"My ceiling fan has 3 speeds..." (joke)

"My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwich. Hospital bill is pretty high"

"My child is an honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My child, my choice"

"My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?"/"A cat. Cats love fish."

"My children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent..."

"My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer..."

"My church accepts all denominations -- fivers, tenners, twenties"

"My church serves noodles at communion. We're Ramen Catholic"

"My city's potholes will change your radio station and unlock your doors"

"My coffee looked at me this morning and told me, 'Sorry I don't do miracles'"

"My coffee needs coffee"

"My colleague is playing heavy metal at work. He's totally office rocker"

"My colleagues at work have given me the nickname 'Mr. Compromise'" (joke)

"My college graduation was in an arena, and it was hot in there, like 5,000 degrees"

"My compliments to the gardener" (said at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant)

"My computer crashed. Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening"

"My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters..."

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor"

"My COVID-19 is the most weight I’ve gained since my Freshman 15"

"My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull"

"My credit card company called me to report suspicious activity. Someone made a payment"

"My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered"

"My credit card had suspicious activity -- I bought a gym membership"

"My dad always said that it was rude to point. Great dad, terrible bricklayer"

"My dad always said, 'The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more'" (joke)

"My dad always said, 'Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.' Balance: $9.11"

"My dad got shot from a cannon. The circus never found another man of his caliber"

"My dad told me he was into East Asian music and I was like, 'k, pop...'"

"My dad told me that I would make a great mime. I was speechless"

"My dad told me to invest my money in bonds, so I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger"

"My dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk"

"My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?"

"My dad's been suffering from seizures. So far, they've taken his car, his house and his boat"

"My dad's brother eats loads of pasta. He's my carbuncle"

"My dad's sister is a fish. She's my Aunt Chovy"

"My dad’s sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it. She’s a cross aunt"

"My dad's sisters can't get Covid. They have antibodies"

"My daughter said she saw a deer on the way to school. How did she know it was going to school?"

"My debit card is starting to feel like a gift card...'not sure how much is on this but try it'"

"My deer cloning operation has succeeded! I can finally make a quick buck"

"My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me, 'Do you smoke or drink coffee?'"

"My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane"

"My desire to stay well-informed is at odds with my desire to stay sane"

"My dessert just threw itself off the table. It was a lemming meringue pie"

"My diet today: 1% real food, 99% Halloween candy"

"My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room"

"My diving school has gone under"

"My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread. I am black toast intolerant"

"My doctor said to stay away from trans fats, so I left tumblr"

"My doctor said to stay away from trans fats, so I left tumblr"

"My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt"

"My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..." (joke)

"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said 'less McDonald's'"

"My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking"

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror"

"My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is

"My dream job is no job. I just want to get paid for breathing"

"My dream job is to work for a manufacturer of lamps because of the light workload"

"My dream job would be getting paid to sleep"

"My 'dry' January is Sauvignon Blanc"

"My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money...OUI"

"My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it's what it's"

"My eighty-percent friend is not my twenty-percent enemy"

"My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece. With a biscuit"

"My emotional support animal is a fried chicken"

"My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn't matter because we'll have autocorrect"

My Entire Team Sucks (New York Mets nickname)

"My ex tried to get my baby marijuana plants, but I was granted joint custody"

"My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart"

"My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats"

"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!"

"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!"

"My Facebook-using grandfather died. We won't be seeing the likes of him again"

"My father walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them"

"My fall look this year is drinking my coffee on an empty stomach & visibly shaking until lunch"

"My family says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My family told me to get help for my drinking...so I hired a bartender"

"My family's in the iron and steel business" (joke)

"My family's leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. And they're off!"

"My farts always smell like butterscotch. They smell like butt or scotch"

"My father used to say, 'You don't always get what you pay for'" (joke)

"My father uses reddit. I guess it's heredditary"

"My father's answer to everything was alcohol. He didn't drink; he was just shit at quizzes"

"My favorite animal is steak"

"My favorite California city is Austin, Texas"

"My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills"

"My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine"

"My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine"

"My favorite color is Christmas lights"

"My favorite color is food"

"My favorite color is October"

"My favorite color is pizza"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about us"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about you"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about your health"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for me"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for you"

"My favorite essential oil is bacon grease"

"My favorite exercise at the gym is judging"

"My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch"

"My favorite exercise is chewing"

"My favorite exercise is chewing"

"My favorite game is trying to take something out of the refrigerator..." (Refrigerator Jenga)

"My favorite garden is the beer garden"

"My favorite holiday is Saturday"

"My favorite ice cream flavor is Charm" (physics joke)

"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine"

"My favorite outdoor activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in"

"My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside"

"My favorite outdoors activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in"

"My favorite part about having a job is assuming you’re fired every time your boss calls..."

"My favorite position is CEO" ("A woman's favorite position is CEO")

"My favorite seafood is saltwater taffy"

"My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle. Strange name, but she tortoise well"

"My favorite thing is to clean the kitchen so I can cook dinner so I can clean the kitchen again"

"My favorite time of the year is when the bugs start to die"

"My favorite vegetable is salsa"

"My favorite way to online shop is just to yell out what I'm looking for and wait for an ad"

"My favorite way to online shop is to yell out what I’m looking for & wait for the Facebook ads"

"My favorite winter sport is walking to the coffee maker"

"My favorite winter sport is walking to the nearest coffee shop"

"My favorite zone is the cal"

"My fellow Americans"

"My French teacher has retired. Adios, amigo"

"My financial status: I just rinsed off a paper plate"

"My fine feathered friend" (usually said of a chicken)

"My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea"

"My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience, The second time let me down"

"My food is grown and harvested, not born and killed"

"My food is grown, not born"

"My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil"

"My freedom doesn't end where your fear begins"

"My freedom is more important than your good idea"

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana..." (joke)

"My friend bullied and pressured me to go spelunking, so I caved"

"My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore. So I sent him a card, "Get well soon'"

"My friend cuts up his Indian bread to look like coins. It's naan cents"

"My friend David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav"

"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in"

"My friend got fired from his cow milking job. He was a danger to himself and udders"

"My friend has just passed his master's degree in salad studies. He now has lettuce after his name"

"My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot. Ouch"

"My friend is a professional sleep walker. He is living the dream"

"My friend is a professional sleeper. He is living the dream"

"My friend is a qualified greengrocer. He has lettuce after his name"

"My friend is making easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes..." (joke)

"My friend is so vegan, he won't even have his picture taken because he'd have to say 'cheese'"

"My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving"

"My friend phoned that he's changing his name to 'Spinal Column.' I said, 'Can I call you back?'"

"My friend said onions are the only food that make you cry -- so I threw a coconut at his face"

"My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot!'" (joke)

"My friend swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital" (joke)

"My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny"

"My friend tried to convince me 'whey' is spelled 'whfey.' There's no f in whey"

"My friend used my to-do list to roll a blunt. He's high on my list of priorities"

"My friend was in hospital recently. She’s doing okay and has been passing the time by playing board games..." (NHS joke)

"My friend William changed his name to Lawrence, and that's how a Bill becomes a Law"

"My friends and I experimented with drugs and sex in high school. I was part of the control group"

"My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It’s a small scale operation"

"My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast"

"My friends call me 'The Computer.' I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes"

"My friend's getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes..." (joke)

"My friends say I’m a pessimist. But I think it’s far worse than that"

"My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies"

"My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies"

"My gamer girlfriend just left me...said I always tried to controller"

"My graffiti removal company went bust today, but the writing had been on the wall for some time"

"My gauge is fine 'til the third glass of wine"

"My Geography teacher died yesterday. Well, he is History now"

"My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I told her it was the Decepticons..."

"My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American.' I saw it coming from a kilometre away"

"My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box"

"My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me"

"My girlfriend fell in an ice cream store. She's now a sore bae"

"My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart"

"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4"

"My girlfriend said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed her down the apples and oranges"

"My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter" (joke)

"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I got drunk"

"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead"

"My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state"

"My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered" (joke)

"My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving"

"My grandad asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl-P" (joke)

"My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note"

"My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, not like his passengers"

"My grandfather makes his own cream cheese. It's called Pap Schmear"

"My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman. He always stood behind his product"

"My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris"

"My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella"

"My grandmother still doesn't need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle"

"My gran's collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me"

"My Greek yogurt is expired. Does this make it Ancient Greek yogurt now?"

"My grocery list: 1. Don’t run into anyone you know 2. Eggs"

"My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know"

"My gun is not a threat unless you are"

"My guns won't be illegal. They will be 'undocumented'"

"My head gets cold at the drop of a hat"

"My heart bleeds blue borscht"

"My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, 'eat a salad'"

"My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys"

"My high school was so small we had driver's ed and sex ed in the same car"

"My hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner"

"My hobbies include drinking alcohol and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking beer and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking coffee and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking vodka and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking wine and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include eating and also thinking about the next time I will be eating"

"My hobbies include eating and complaining that I'm getting fat"

"My hobbies include eating and thinking about the next time I will be eating"

"My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom"

"My homework ate my dog"

"My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it"

"My house was clean. Then the dogs woke up. The end"

"My house was clean. Then the kids woke up. The end"

"My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"My housekeeping style can best be described as: 'There appears to have been a struggle'"

"My houseplants probably wouldn't die so fast if they could scream for food and water like my kids"

"My husband asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' for him so I forged a note from my mother"

"My husband says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My idea of a super bowl is a large bowl of guacamole"

"My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself"

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit"

"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"

"My idols are shadowbanned and my enemies are all verified"

"My immune system doesn't have a long history of fraud, bribery, & disinformation"

"My inflatable house got a puncture last night. Now, I'm living in a flat"

"My intellectual property is in foreclosure"

"My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of"

"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them"

"My internet was down for 5 minutes, so I spoke to my family. They seem like nice people"

"My job as a croupier is ideal"

"My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder"

"My job does this cool thing where if you do your work well, you get to do someone else's work, too"

"My job has this cool thing where if you do your job well, you get to do other people's jobs, too"

"My job has this fun habit of adding responsibilities to your job role without adding any money..."

"My job has this really fun habit of adding more responsibilities to my job role..."

"My job is more than just a paycheck. It's a place I go and cry in the bathroom"

"My job is secure. No one else wants it"

"My job is so top secret even I don't know what I'm doing"

"My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me. It's soda grading"

"My kid beat up your honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My kid got your honor student pregnant" (bumper sticker)

"My kid is an honor student at a dumbed-down government indoctrination camp" (bumper sticker)

"My kid is an honor student & my president is an idiot" (bumper sticker)

"My kids say I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, they're in for a shock"

"My kids threw up when I told them I’d put Ginger in the curry. They really loved that cat"

"My kitchen light just went out. I have no idea where it's going"

"My kitchen was clean last week. Sorry you missed it"

"My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill. I said, 'My door's always open''

"My last boss was a dwarf. He was a real micromanager"

"My least favorite California city is Austin, Texas"

"My left knee has never committed a crime. I can’t say the same for his felony"

"My legs are weak, my arms are sore, my chest is heavy, my body is tired, I WILL NOT BE STOPPED"

"My liberty is more important than your stupid idea"

"My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to be fat"

"My life is a very complicated drinking game"

"My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks"

"My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks"

"My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing"

"My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business"

"My local bakery accused me of stealing all their yeast. They can't prove anything"

"My mailbox is under quarantine. Not accepting bills at this time"

"My mailman got a sex change. I guess you'd call him a post-man now"

"My main problem is reconciling my gross habits with my net income"

"My mask broke at the store. I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl"

"My mask broke in the store and it felt like my titty popped out"

"My mask is on the inside. It's called an immune system"

"My mask protects you. Your mask protects me"

"My math teacher called me average. Well, that's just mean"

"My mayonnaise is trying kill me or so my sauces tell me"

"My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem"

"My milk is about to die. It’s at 2%"

"My mind is like an internet browser. I have 19 tabs open, 3 are frozen ..."

"My mom always tells me I'm special, but I can't figure out who this Ed guy is!"

"My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day..." (joke)

"My mom tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter"

"My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper"

"My mom's sister doesn't get Corona. She has an auntie body"

"My morning coffee contains all of my people skills"

"My mortgage identifies as a student loan" (student loan forgiveness joke)

"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow"

"My mother served nothing but leftovers; the original meal has never been found"

"My mother taught me about the science of osmosis -- 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper!'"

"My muffin top is now a pound cake"

"My neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well"

"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb asphalt"

"My neighbor has joined the War on Drugs...on the side of drugs"

"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not"

"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not"

"My nerdy friend got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. He is now known as 'Dr. Awkward'"

"My new boss told me to be on call 24/7. I don't mind as July 24th is ages away"

"My new credit card has this awesome theft protection..." (joke)

"My new dog, Minton, just ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!"

"My new shadow puppet theater could make millions, but that's just projected figures"

"My New Year's resolution is 1080p"

"My New Year's resolution is to buy a velcro wall and I plan on sticking to it"

"My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier"

"My New Year's resolution is to not have one"

"My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow"

"My New Year's resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won't stick with this one either"

"My New Year's resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth. I bet yours is to lose weight"

"My New Year's Resolutions: 1. Get my finances in order 2. Get finances"

"My new year's revolution is to learn how to spell"

"My new years revolution is to learn how to spell"

"My New Year's revolution is to proofread more"

"My next song is about subtraction. Take it away..."

"My nickname at school was glue. I don't know why, it just seemed to stick"

"My obsession with decimals. It's in tenths!"

"My old school bully still takes my lunch money..." (joke)

"My only talent is I just don't quit"

"My opinion of message boards? I'm all forum!"

"My origami skills are in creasing"

"My other bumper sticker is funny" (bumper sticker)

"My other car bumper sticker is funny" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is a Porsche" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is a Zamboni" (hockey saying)

"My other car is also a car" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is an honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is another car that has a sticker that says my other car is this car" (bumper sticker)

"My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called 'Identity Theft'"

"My pee smells like coffee"

"My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work"

"My personal style is best described as 'didn't expect to get out of the car'"

"My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are"

"My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid"

"My phone just filmed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket"

"My phone just filmed a 5 hour documentary about life in my pocket"

"My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket"

"My plan for today? Same as always. Drink coffee and be sexy"

"My personal beliefs are somewhere between all violence is wrong and come try me"

"My political views are somewhere between all violence is wrong and f**k around and find out"

"My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow"

"My posts were removed. Someone took a fence"

"My problem is as soon as I get money my tastebuds become allergic to the food at home"

"My problem is I wanna follow Jesus and slap people too"

"My problem is I want to follow Jesus and slap people too"

"My professor told me that I’m failing ethics class. I slid $20 and asked, 'What about now?'"

"My pronoun is 'Patriot'"

"My relationship with gin is on the rocks"

"My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately"

"My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks"

"My relationship with whisky has been on the rocks lately"

"My relationship with whisky is on the rocks"

"My résumé is basically a list of things I hate to do"

"My résumé is just a list of jobs I never want to do again"

"My résumé is just a list of things I never want to do again"

"My résumé is just a list of things I really never want to do again"

"My retirement plan is societal collapse"

"My rights are not subject to your feelings"

"My rights are not up for negotiation because of your feelings"

"My rights don't end where your fear begins"

"My rights don't end where your fear begins. So go fuck yourself"

"My rights don't end where your fears begin"

"My rights don't end where your feelings begin"

"My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic. Joke's on him, I don’t have a roommate"

"My salads tend to be a bit on the dry side. It’s definitely something that needs addressing"

"My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday"

"My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.2 million dollars"

"My school was so tough, the school newspaper had an obituary section"

"My school's development office will find me" (alumni joke)

"My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook"

"My sex life is like a video game. Single Player"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then it was light, and now it's zero"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then went on a diet, and now it's zero"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was normal, then light and now zero"

"My sex life is like COVID-19. I don't have COVID-19"

"My son asked me what our IP address was. I pointed to the toilet"

"My son goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is!"

"My son identifies as a crescent moon. I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase"

"My son said he was smart so I asked him to spell it..." (joke)

"My spirit animal is either Grey Goose or Wild Turkey"

"My spirit animal is Grey Goose"

"My spirit animal is the Jägermeister stag"

"My spirit animal is Wild Turkey"

"My sport is your sport's punishment" (cross-country running aphorism)

"My stomach is flat. The 'L' is just silent"

"My stomach is flat. The 'L' is silent"

"My study breaks are longer than my actual study time"

"My superiority complex is better than yours"

"My swear jar could finance the fucking space program"

"My teacher doesn't know anything. All she does is ask questions"

"My teacher told me guns kill people. I told her my pencil failed my A levels"

"My teacher told me guns kill people. I told her my pencil failed my math exam"

"My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect"

"My thighs are so sexy, they can't stop touching each other"

"My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone trying on summer clothes"

"My tin foil hat won't give me myocarditis"

"My tolerance for alcohol is higher than my tolerance for people"

"My tolerance for alcohol is much higher than my tolerance for people"

"My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people"

"My toxic trait is once that sun starts shining I wanna quit my job"

"My toxic trait is once the sun starts shining I wanna quit my job"

"My truck is a hybrid. It burns diesel and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Jerks"

"My TV keeps changing the channels by itself every few seconds. It's an ADHD TV"

"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They are his watch dogs"

"My uncle used to carry a trifle in the army. He was a desserter"

"My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning"

"My unicorn ate my homework"

"My vaccine dad joke failed. But it was worth a shot"

"My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos" (Merc.-Venus-Earth-Mars-Jupiter-Sat.-Uranus-Nept.)

"My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can't carry 23 items"

"My walk of shame is going back for a shopping trolley after realising I can't carry 23 items"

"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York."

"My way or the highway"

"My wife and I met while studying to be opthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts"

"My wife and I watched three movies back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV"

"My wife asked if I wanted to eat some of the chicken on the barbecue. I suggested a chair"

"My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't even know he could play cricket"

"My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner..." (joke)

"My wife asked me, 'Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard?'" (joke)

"My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer..." (joke)

"My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it!"

"My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes" (joke)

"My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. I can’t read a word now"

"My wife asked me to take her to one of those places where they make the food in front of you..."

"My wife asked me what the female version of the 'man cave' was. I told her the kitchen"

"My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. I told her: fear of CIA. She laughed..."

"My wife broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler..." (joke)

"My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers"

"My wife dressed up as a nurse to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance"

"My wife dresses to kill; she cooks the same way"

"My wife found I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding..." (Scrabble joke)

"My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemonade & she's sangria"

"My wife gets turned on by shopping. It seems she's buy-sexual"

"My wife got 'romantic' today. It's the best Scrabble score she's ever had"

"My wife has OCD and arranges dinner plates. It's a very rare dish order"

"My wife is leaving me because I've put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she's coming from"

"My wife is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I said, 'May divorce be with you'"

"My wife just called me, 'Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers'" (joke)

"My wife just gave me a restraining order. Who knew there was a correct way to use a colander?"

"My wife left a note on the fridge that said 'This isn't working'" (joke)

"My wife made me join a bridge club -- I jump off next Tuesday"

"My wife made some bread from a North African recipe book..." ("old thyme Moroccan roll" joke)

"My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love. I told her 'Choose one, I can't do both'"

"My wife always prefers the stairs; I take the elevator. I guess we were raised differently"

"My wife ran off with a mustard salesman. She sent me a Dijon letter"

"My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens. Bye Rose"

"My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle"

"My wife says I put plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards. She thinks I’m dishlexic"

"My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My wife sighed, 'Why does everything have to be a game with you?'"

"My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are"

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem..." (joke)

"My wife texted me this morning, 'Windows frozen, won't open'" (computer joke)

"My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages" (joke)

"My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual words were, 'You’ve gotten fat'"

"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it" (joke)

"My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter"

"My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard. I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking"

"My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. I took her to the gas station"

"My wife will buy anything that's marked down. Yesterday, she brought home an escalator!"

"My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly. She is infringing on my right to bear arms"

"My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?" (joke)

"My wife's a peach -- she has a heart of stone"

"My wife's cooking has really improved. That was the best slice of soup I've ever had!"

"My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'"

"My wife's credit card was stolen..." (joke)

"My word is my bond" ("Word is bond"); Dictum Meum Pactum

My-Yam-Me (Miami)

"My yoga instructor is from Jamaica. She teaches Pilates of the Caribbean"

"My yoga pants have never been to yoga"

"My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot"

Mythical National Championship (MNC)

N-ICE (NYSE + ICE)

NAALCP (NAACP + liberal)

Nabe (a neighborhood)

Nacanowhere or Naconowhere or Nacognowhere (Nacogdoches nickname)

Nacho (Nachos)

Nacho Cheese ("not your cheese" or "not yo' cheese")

Nacho Salad

"Nachos are just broken tacos"

"Nachos are just chip salad"

"Nachos are just flat tacos"

"Nachos are just open-face tacos"

"Nachos are just open-faced tacos"

"Nachos are just tacos that don't have their life together"

"Nachos are just tacos that don't have their shit together"

"Nachos as big as your ass" (restaurant sign)

"Nachos not negativity"

Nacogdochean or Nacogdochian (inhabitant of Nacogdoches)

"Nacogdoches is full of roaches" (Groucho Marx)

Nagadocious (Nacogdoches misspelling)

"Nail Salons-Closed. Hair Salons-Closed. Lash Salons-Closed. It's about to get real ugly out here"

Naked Cake (cake without outer icing)

Naked City

Naked Roaches (Nacogdoches nickname)

Naked Run (Naked Running)

Naked Running (Naked Run)

Naked Sushi or Body Sushi (sushi served on a naked person "platter")

Namaske (namaste + mask)

"Name a product that blames its failure on those who didn't use it"

"Name a product that blames its failure on those who don't use it"

"Name is mud" (one is discredited or unpopular)

"Name one time in human history when the group fighting to censor speech were the good guys"

Name That Party

"Name three things that don’t hang themselves."/"Christmas ornaments, drywall and Jeffrey Epstein"

"Name your baby 'Gotham'" (joke)

"Names make the news"

Nanaimo Bar Mystery (New York Bars?)

"Nana's kitchen, where memories are made and grandkids are spoiled"

Nanny State

Nanobrewery

Naples: Grape Pie Capital of the World (nickname)

"NASCAR, if it's not a sport for idiots, should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines"

Nascrack (NASDAQ + crack cocaine)

NASDAPPLE (NASDAQ + AAPL)

NASDARK (NASDAQ + dark)

NAShole (NASA + asshole)

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

"Nation of sheep, ruled by wolves, owned by pigs"

National Academy of Space Actors (NASA nickname)

National Association of Gals or NAG (National Organization for Women or NOW nickname)

"National Beer of Texas" & "It's a Texas Thing" (Lone Star Beer)

"National Drink of Texas" (Dr. Pepper)

National Felons League (National Football League or NFL nickname)

National Fixed League (National Football League or NFL nickname)

National Hell Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

National Holocaust Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

National Homicide Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

National Institute of Hypocrisy (National Institutes of Health or NIH nickname)

National Institutes of Hell (National Institutes of Health or NIH nickname)

National Institutes of Hope (National Institutes of Health or NIH nickname)

National Magazine of Texas (Texas Monthly)

National Organization for Liberal Women (National Organization for Women nickname)

National Organization for Ugly Women (National Organization for Women nickname)

National Organization for Whores (National Organization for Women nickname)

National Palestinian Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Palestinian Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Panhandler Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Pinko Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Propaganda Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Propaganda Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Pubic Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Pubic Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

National Snoops' Agency (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

National Socialist Agency (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people that you never met"

"Nationalism teaches you to take pride in shit you haven't done and to hate people you've never met"

Nationalized Public Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

Nationalized Public Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

Nation's Report Card (National Assessment of Educational Progress)

"Native foreign food" (Waverly Root on "Tex-Mex")

"Native New Yorker" (1977)

NATOstan (NATO + -stan)

"Natural gas -- because windmills can't grill burgers"

"Natural gas -- because windmills can't grill hot dogs"

"Natural immunity is science. Just not the revenue generating kind"

"Natural peanut butter implies the existence of supernatural peanut butter"

Nature's Bacon (avocado nickname)

Nature's Sports Drink (water/coconut water/milk nickname)

Naughty List

"Navy has a tough schedule!" (college football joke)

N'awlins (New Orleans nickname)

Nazi York City (Nazi + New York City)

Nazis In Healthcare (National Institutes of Health or NIH nickname)

NBC (New Broadway Cast)

Neapolitan Ice (Neapolitan Ice Cream)

Nebraska: Antelope State (nickname)

Nebraska: Bug Eater (nickname)

Nebraska: Cornhusker (nickname)

Nebraska: Tree Planters State (nickname)

Necklace Lighting ("necklace lights" on suspension bridges)

Necropolis of the South (New Orleans nickname)

"Nectarines are just bald peaches"

"Nectarines are just peaches with a Brazilian wax"

"Nectarines are just peaches with alopecia"

"Nectarines are just shaved peaches"

"Nectarines are just smooth peaches"

"Nectarines are peaches that haven't hit puberty yet"

"Nectarines are peaches with alopeachia"

Nederlander (inhabitant of Nederland)

"Need an ark? I Noah guy"

"Need motivation to lose weight? Eat In front of a mirror. Naked"

"Need no teef to eat my beef" (House Park Bar-B-Que, Austin)

"'Need' now means wanting someone else's money; 'greed' means keeping your own"

"Needing insurance is like needing a parachute..."

Needle Park

Needless Markup (Neiman Marcus nickname)

"Needs one large mocha Prozac vodka latte, complete with whipped cream and Valium sprinkles"

"Never make eye contact while eating a banana"

Negative Ned (Negative Nancy; Negative Nellie/Negative Nelly)

"Negative people always have a problem for every solution"

Negimaki or Negimayaki

"Neighbor, how long has it been since you've had a big, thick, steaming bowl of Wolf Brand Chili?"

Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe (urban myth)

Neiman Marxism (Neiman Marcus + Marxism); Neiman Marxist

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers..."

Neocon Spying Agency (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

Neoconette

Neoconistan (neoconservative + -stan)

Neoconner (neocon + conner)

Neopolism (neologism + politics)

Neotard (neoconservative + retard)

"Nepotism is frowned upon, but being 'family owned and operated' is celebrated"

Neptune Platter or Neptune's Platter (seafood platter)

Nerd Bird

Nerd Prom (White House Correspondents' Dinner)

Nerdstrom or Nerdstorm (Nordstrom nickname)

N'erlins or Nerlins (New Orleans nickname)

"Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs"

Nervous Nellie (Nervous Nelly)

Nervous Pudding (jello)

Nesselrode Pie

Net Worthless (net worth + worthless)

"Netflix is so much better than going out and pretending to like people"

Netroots

Nets (proposed Brooklyn NBA team)

Nevada: Sage Hen (nickname)

Never A Straight Answer (NASA nickname)

"Never accept a drink from a urologist"

"Never accept the government infringing upon your freedom as necessary or justified"

Never Again Volunteer Yourself ("navy" backronym)

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction"

"Never approach a dock faster than you are willing to hit it" (boating adage)

"Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel"

"Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel" (newspaper adage)

"Never argue with a man whose job depends on not being convinced"

"Never argue with someone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf"

"Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut" (business proverb)

"Never ask a man his wage or a woman her age"

"Never ask a man if he's from Texas..."

"Never ask a starfish for directions"

"Never ask a woman who's eating ice cream from the carton how she's doing"

"Never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong"

"Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak"

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you"

"Never bet on a possibility against a certainty"

"Never book a judge by his cover" (joke)

"Never bring a knife to a gunfight"

"Never buy a Friday high" ("Never sell a Friday low")

"Never buy from a rich salesman and always hire a rich attorney"

"Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter"

"Never chase after someone who doesn't chase after you. So the ice cream man can fuck off"

"Never chase someone. Chase your dreams, then they will follow"

"Never check stock prices on Friday -- it could spoil the weekend"

"Never confuse people who are always around you with people who are always there for you"

"Never convert a convertible stock/bond" (Wall Street adage)

"Never cook with wine you wouldn't drink"

"Never cover a judge by his book"

"Never date a chick that works at Subway. She knows what 6 inches really looks like"

"Never date Jack-O-Lantern. He's hollow inside"

"Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whiskey"

"Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whisky"

"Never depend on someone else to make you happy, that’s what alcohol is for"

"Never depend on someone else to make you happy, that's what beer is for"

"Never depend on someone else to make you happy, that’s what wine is for"

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world"

"Never drink unless you're alone or with somebody"

"Never drink with a man who has no hands because he can't hold his liquor"

"Never eat anything bigger than your head"

"Never eat at a place called Mom's"

"Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma"

"Never Eat Chips, Eat Salad Sandwiches And Remain Young" ("necessary" spelling aid)

"Never eat more than you can lift"

"Never eat spinach with a stranger"

"Never entrust your life to those whom you can't trust with your wallet"

"Never fall in love with a stock" (Wall Street adage)

"Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, you fight like you're third monkey..."

"Never forget -- governments are the all time leader in mass killings"

"Never forget that the human race with technology is just like an alcoholic"

"Never forget that you have every right to question any individual, system, movement, or group..."

"Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder" (military saying)

"Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone"

"Never get a bread appetizer at an Indian restaurant. It's a naan-starter"

"Never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man"

"Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon. They'll take the money and run"

"Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon. They'll take the money and run"

"Never give an opponent free publicity"

"Never give someone the opportunity to waste your time twice"

"Never give support to a law unless you would let your worst enemy enforce it"

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it"

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about"

"Never give up on things that make you smile"

"Never go shopping when you're hungry"

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died"

"Never go to a wedding in the winter. Someone always gets cold feet"

"Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear"

"Never hold an inquiry unless you know what the outcome will be"

"Never hook with a hooker" (boxing adage)

"Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth"

"Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting"

"Never judge a book by its movie"

"Never judge a cook by his blubber"

"Never judge a pitch until both sides have batted on it" (cricket adage)

"Never judge presidential timber by its bark"

"Never kick a cow chip on a hot day"

"Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up...you're f-cked"

"Never leave home without a kiss, a hug and an 'I love you.' Then remove the dog hair..."

"Never leave home without a hug, a kiss and an 'I love you.' Then remove the dog hair..."

"Never let a soul who hasn't walked in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces"

"Never let anyone ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself"

"Never let anyone take away your freedom because of the greater good. Freedom is the greater good"

"Never let anyone take away your liberty for the greater good. Liberty is the greater good"

"Never let people who have done nothing tell you how to do anything"

"Never let somebody waste your time, twice"

"Never let someone who has done nothing tell you how to do anything"

"Never let the facts get in the way of a good story"

"Never let the same snake bite you twice"

"Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have"

Never let them see you sweat! (Dry Idea commercial)

"Never let your fear decide your future"

"Never let your fears decide your future"

"Never let your findings conflict with your funding"

"Never let your findings interfere with your funding"

"Never let your money get mad"

"Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you"

"Never look at a beer as half empty. Look at it as half way to the next beer"

"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way"

"Never make a speech at a country dance or a football game"

"Never make forecasts, especially about the future"

"Never make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions"

"Never make snow angels in a dog park"

"Never make the first or last out at third base" (baseball adage)

"Never marry for money -- you can borrow it cheaper"

"Never meat your heroes" (vegetarian/vegan saying)

"Never meat your heros" (vegetarian/vegan saying)

"Never meet a champion for the first time in the winner's circle"

"Never meet your heroes" (entertainment adage)

"Never mind the dog. Beware of owner!" (property sign)

"Never mix the grape and the grain" (drinking adage)

"Never name the chickens" (military adage)

"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche"

"Never order salad at a barbecue joint"

"Never order sweet tea in a state that does not have an SEC team"

"Never play hide and seek with mountain ranges because they peak"

"Never play leapfrog with a unicorn"

"Never play pool with a guy named Fats"

"Never play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket"

"Never play Uno with a Mexican. They take all the green cards"

"Never put a number and a date in the same sentence" (forecasting adage)

"Never put Nutella on salmon or you'll get Salmonella"

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether"

Never/Rarely (N/R subway lines)

"Never read the last line of a play at a rehearsal" (theatre superstition)

"Never realized until today that Karl Marx's sister, Onya, invented the starting pistol"

"Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without telling him you want it back"

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse"

"Never run a fruit stand in an action movie"

Never Say Anything (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

"Never say 'die,' say 'damn'" ("Pa" Ferguson?)

"Never say diet"

"Never screw up on a slow news day"

"Never sell a dull market (short)" (Wall Street proverb)

"Never sell on strike news" (Wall Street adage)

"Never sell what you haven't got"

"Never settle for shitty coffee, shitty friends or shitty men"

"Never settle for shitty coffee, shitty friends or shitty relationships"

"Never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing. Dancing leads to slipping..."

"Never spend your money before you have earned it"

"Never stand when you can walk, never walk when you can run" (exercise adage)

"Never stop learning because life never stops teaching"

"Never swear at a prop boy. You may be working for him tomorrow" (entertainment adage)

"Never take a hostage that you can't shoot"

"Never take health advice from any person or institution that believes the world is overpopulated"

"Never talk about religion or politics" (etiquette rule)

"Never test the depth of a river with both feet"

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet" (proverb)

"Never throw in the towel. Use it to wipe off the sweat. Then keep on going"

"Never trust a fat dietitian"

"Never trust a fat motivational speaker"

"Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you"

"Never trust a person who pours the milk before pouring the cereal"

"Never trust a poor economist"

"Never trust a skinny chef"

"Never trust a skinny ice cream man"

"Never trust a warm front" (weather adage)

"Never trust an acupuncturist. They're backstabbers"

"Never trust an electrician with fuzzy hair"

"Never trust anyone who doesn't drink coffee"

"Never trust anyone who smiles before their first cup of coffee"

"Never trust anyone who smiles on a Monday"

"Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning"

"Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf"

"Never trust atoms. They make up everything" (science joke)

"Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something"

"Never trust politicians or weather forecasters"

"Never trust someone who dislikes dessert"

"Never trust someone who pours milk in their bowl before the cereal"

"Never trust weather forecasters or politicians"

"Never trust your life with people you can't trust with your wallet"

"Never try to catch a falling knife" (Wall Street proverb)

"Never underestimate a woman with a crock-pot and a can of cream of something soup"

"Never underestimate the determination of a kid who is time-rich and cash-poor"

"Never underestimate the healing power of singing in a car really loud by yourself"

"Never underestimate the importance of being properly caffeinated"

"Never underestimate the intelligence of your readers, but never overestimate their knowledge"

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"

"Never vote against an appropriation, and never vote for a tax increase"

"Never walk the leadoff hitter" (baseball adage)

"Never wear white after Labor Day" (fashion rule)

"Never work with children or animals" (show business adage)

"Never worry about who will be offended if you speak the truth...."

"Never wrestle with a pig -- you get dirty and the pig likes it"

New Abnormal

New Amsterdam

New Braunfelser (inhabitant of New Braunfels)

New Castrati

"New dieting tip! Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you won't be able to afford groceries"

New Directors/New Films

"New Driver -- I brake for no reason" (bumper sticker)

New Duranty Times (New York Times nickname)

New England: Eel (nickname)

New Hampshire: Granite State (nickname)

New Hampshire: "Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents"

New Hampshire: "Live free or die" (motto)

New Harlem East

New International Order

New Jack City

New Jersey: Armpit of the Nation (nickname)

New Jersey: Blue State (nickname)

New Jersey: Clam-catcher (nickname)

New Jersey: Medicine Chest of the World (nickname)

New Jersey: "What did Delaware?"/"Her New Jersey."

New Mediocre

New Mexico: Vermin State (nickname)

New Normal

New Orange (not Big Orange; 1673-1674)

"New Orleans -- Boosters for the Space Age" (New Orleans slogan)

New Orleans Saints (National Football League team)

"New research suggests drinking coffee in the morning helps others live longer"

"New restaurant opening in town called The Manhattan Project. It's a fusion restaurant"

"New Rule: You’re not allowed to work longer than the number of hours you slept the night before"

New Times Square or New Old Times Square (Queens Plaza)

New Wild Boar Village

New World Odor (New World Order + odor)

New World Wine

"New Year resolution going well, no chocolate. Not even thinking about it. Not even in my vocadbury"

New Year's Adam (December 30, the day before New Year's Eve)

"New Year's Eve forecast: Mostly drunk, with a slight chance of passing out"

"New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter"

New Year's Foods (rice for riches, peas for pennies, collards for dollars, greens for greenbacks)

"New Year's is a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's"

"New Year's Resolution -- A 'to do' list for the first week of January"

"New York" (2000)

New York 7s (Seven-a-Side Rugby)

New York Alphabet or Brooklyn Alphabet ("Fuckin' A, fuckin' B, fuckin' C...")

"New York" and "Manhattan" and "Brooklyn" scatalogical terms

New York Apples (tennis team)

New York Asian Film Festival

New York Brand Texas Toast (from Ohio)

New York Breakfast (cold pizza; cigarettes & coffee)

New York Chain, New York Noose, New York Fahgettaboudit

New York City Biathlon, Triathlon

New York City Football Club (Major League Soccer team)

New York City International Pickle Day

"New York City is a luxury product" (Michael Bloomberg)

New York City is shaped like an apple (1970s)

New York City Marathon

"New York City (Such a Beautiful Disease)"

New York City Tap Festival

New York City Tattoo Convention

"New York City -- The greatest country in the world"

New York City Water ("Champagne")

"New York City's Most Convenient Hotel" (Pan American Hotel)

New York City's Official Apple Proposal -- Newtown Pippin (2009)

New York ComPost (New York Post nickname)

New York Crimes (New York Times nickname)

New York Crumb Cake

New York Culinary Festival

New York Cut Sirloin Steak

New York Daily Ooze (New York Daily News nickname)

New York Derby or Hudson River Derby (New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC)

New York dressed (poultry)

New York Filly Triple Tiara

New York Film Festival; Tribeca Film Festival

New York Font

"New York: For the Time of Your Life" (2005)

New York Fucking City (New York Fuckin' City)

New York Game (baseball, under the Knickerbocker rules)

"New York Groove" (1978)

New York Guitar Festival

New York Gypsy Festival

"New York has been the Big Apple for several decades (in jazz)" (New York Times, 1967)

"New York has been the Big Apple for several decades (in jazz)" (New York Times, 1967)

New York Heartbeat

New York Hot Dog Onion Sauce (New York Onion Sauce)

"New York in adversity towers above any other city in the world" (Ed Koch)

New York International Fringe Festival (FringeNYC)

New York International Latino Film Festival

"New York is a sucked orange" (not Big Apple; Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1860)

"New York is a sucked orange" (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved"

New York Is Book Country

"New York is cocaine, opium, hashish"

"New York is dead. Don't come back"

"New York is never the same city for more than a dozen years altogether"

New York is not America

"New York is the Big Apple" (Stephen Longstreet's The Real Jazz: Old and New, 1956)

"New York is the city where the future comes to rehearse"

"New York is the most successful sequel ever"

"New York is the only city where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian"

"New York is the only town where the shortest distance between two points is under construction"

"New York is way better than Old York"

"New York is Zabar's, Zabar's is New York" (Zabar's)

New York Kiss & New York Kiss-Off

New York Kite Festival

"New York leads all cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move"

New York Minute (or, New York Nanosecond)

"New York, New York" (1977)

"New York, New York (It's a Helluva Town)" (1945)

"New York, New York -- so nice, they named it twice"

"New York, New York, the Big Apple" (The Last Poets, 1969-1970)

"New York, New York, the Big Apple" (The Last Poets, 1969-1970)

New York of India (summary)

New York of the North (Toronto, Canada nickname)

New York of the South

New York Open Judo Championship

New York Pest (New York Post nickname)

"New York point guards will give up their grandmother before their dribble" (basketball adage)

New York Rangers (Tex's Rangers)

New York Reload (a second loaded gun)

New York Review of Each Other's Books

New York Roll (sushi)

New York Run by the Swiss (Toronto, Canada nickname)

New York Run by the Swiss (summary)

New York Sack Exchange

New York Salsa Festival; New York Salsa Congress

New York Screwdriver (driving in screws with a hammer)

New York Ship & Boat Model Festival

New York Slimes (New York Times nickname)

New York Sour (cocktail)

"New York stabs you in the heart; Los Angeles stabs you in the back"

New York State: Empire State (nickname)

New York State: Excelsior State (nickname)

New York State grows many apples (suggested in 1988)

New York State: Knickerbocker State (nickname)

New York State: New York State of Opportunity (slogan)

"New York State of Mind" (1975)

New York State: Vampire State (nickname)

New York Steamer (sandwich)

New York Steamer (slang)

New York Stop (skating)

"New York strip -- how does a steak get a dance name?"

New York Stud (stud poker)

New York Super Boat Grand Prix

New York Super Fudge Chunk (Ben & Jerry's)

New York Swat Vest (from England)

New York System (Providence, RI "hot dogs")

New York Television Festival (NYTVF)

"New York. The Big Apple" (The Hurt Locker film, 2008)

"New York, the 'Big Apple,' the jazz mecca" (Hart's Guide to New York City, 1964)

"New York, the 'Big Apple,' the jazz mecca" (Hart's Guide to New York City, 1964)

"New York, the nation's thyroid gland"

"New York, thy name's Delirium" ("Owed to New York" poem)

New York Times-Democrat (New York Times nickname)

"New York: Tolerant of your beliefs, judgmental of your shoes"

New York Tough (#NewYorkTough)

New York Trigger

New York Underground Comedy Festival

New York Values

"New York weather just be throwing out temperatures like it's picking Powerball numbers"

"New York -- when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you"

New York Whitehall (boating)

New York will be a nice town when it's finished

New York with Palm Trees (Miami nickname)

New York Yankee (deli sandwich of corned beef and pastrami)

New Yorker (inhabitant of New York)

"New Yorkers are noted for their stupidity" (NYC's population is very dense)

"New Yorkers Since 1784" (Bank of New York)

"New Yorkers think 'upstate' is anything north of the Bronx"

"New Yorkiest place in town" (Stork Club)

"New York's alright if you like saxophones"

New York's/America's/People's Playground (Coney Island)

New York's B1G Team (Rutgers Scarlet Knights slogan)

New York's Best (EMS paramedics and EMTs)

"New York's Best Kept Secret" (Century 21)

New York's Biggest Little Zoo (Staten Island Zoo)

New York's Boldest (corrections officers)

New York's Bravest (firefighters)

New York's Brightest (teachers)

New York's Brightest (teachers)

New York's College Team (Syracuse University slogan)

New York's Eiffel Tower ("Vessel" at Hudson Yards)

New York's Finest (police officers)

"New York's Hometown Airline" (JetBlue)

"New York's legislature is the most dysfunctional in the nation" (Brennan Center)

"New York's Most Fabulous Self-Service Restaurant" (Belmore)

"New York's Most Famous Store Since Before the Civil War" (Hammacher Schlemmer)

"New York's My Home" (1956)

"New York's not dead. It's just underground"

"New York's Not My Home" (1972)

"New York's Picture Newspaper" or "New York's Picture Paper" (New York Daily News slogan)

New York's Proudest (TLC enforcement officers)

"New York's Small-Town Paper" (New York Observer)

"New York's Spanish Steps" (TKTS. booth)

New York's Strongest (sanitation workers)

"New York's the Big Apple, bub, the heaviest scene in the world" (Rolling Stone magazine, 1969)

"New York’s the Big Apple, bub, the heaviest scene in the world" (Rolling Stone magazine, 1969)

"New York's tough without the coin, isn't it?"

"New York's water is so hard it comes at you with a switchblade"

New Yuck Times (New York Times nickname)

Newocracy (Newocrat)

"'News' is an acronym -- Notable Events, Weather, and Sports"

"News is what happens to an editor" (journalism adage)

News Klux Klan (news + Ku Klux Klan)

"News never sleeps"

Newshacks or Newshax (Newsmax nickname)

Newshacks or Newshax (Newsmax TV nickname)

Newshax or Newshacks (Newsmax nickname)

Newshax or Newshacks (Newsmax TV nickname)

Newsie (newspaper seller)

Newsie (newspaper seller)

NewSmacks (Newsmax nickname)

NewSmacks (Newsmax TV nickname)

Newsmin or Newsminimum (Newsmax nickname)

Newsmin or Newsminimum (Newsmax TV nickname)

Newsminimum or Newsmin (Newsmax nickname)

Newsminimum or Newsmin (Newsmax TV nickname)

Newspaper Row

Newsradio; "Give us 22 minutes, we'll give you the world"

Newsweak (Newsweek nickname)

Newszak or Newzak (news + muzak)

"Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion.."

"New walk of shame: Walking back to your car because you forgot your mask"

"Next man up"

"Next time, get a speaking part" (theatre joke)

"Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller, then leave the store"

"Next time you think of eating a chicken, remember that they had a family, just like you..."

Next Wave Festival (BAM)

"Next week has been exhausting"

"Next week, I'm going on a diet. You can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate"

NFHell (NFL + hell)

Niagara Falls: "What's the difference between your first and second honeymoon?" (riddle)

"Nice guys finish last"

"Nice guys finish lunch"

"Nice place you got here. Be a shame if anything happened to it"

"Nice try, fed"

"Nice try, fed boi" ("Nice try, fedboi")

"Nice try, fed boy" ("Nice try, fedboy")

Nickel-and-Dime

Nickel Empire (Coney Island)

Nickel Series (Nickel World Series)

Nickelodious (Nickelodeon nickname)

Nicotini (nicotine + martini)

Nifty

Nifty Fifty

Nifty Nine

"Niggas be living off their girls government assistance and try and act tough. Calm down John WIC"

Niggerati or Niggeratti (nigger + literati)

Niggeratti Manor (267 West 136th Street)

Night Mayor

Night-soil Man (Night-soil Collector; Night Soiler)

"Nillionaire is a fancier way of saying that you are broke"

NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard)

"Nina" in Al Hirschfeld's caricatures (New York Times)

"Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame"

"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation"

Ninth Avenue International Food Festival

Ninth Wonder of the World (Louisiana Superdome)

"Nipples to the wind"

NIRP (Negative Interest Rate Policy)

NIT (National Invitation Tournament)

Nitery

No Action Talk Only (North Atlantic Treaty Organization or NATO nickname)

No Actual Science Allowed (NASA nickname)

"No applause -- just throw money"

"No bees, no honey; no work, no money"

"No biggie" (no big deal)

"No bill is truly dead until the final gavel falls"

"No blood for oil"

"No body won the skeleton race"

"No bowl of borscht"

No Boys Allowed (National Basketball Association or NBA nickname)

"No Brag, Just Fact"

"No brain, no gain, Stay in school"

"No bucks, no Buck Rogers" (space industry adage)

"No champagne, no gain"

"No cheering in the press box" (sports journalism adage)

"No coffee, no workee"

"No cop, no stop"

"No cuts, no buts, no coconuts"

"No Democrat has been elected president without carrying Texas"

No Democratic or Republican way to clean the streets

"No diet Coke, no skim milk, no decaf coffee -- Just good food" (Pepe Rosso)

"No dogs or Mexicans allowed" ("No Mexicans or dogs allowed")

No Fan Left or No Fans Left (National Football League or NFL nickname)

No Fan Loyalty (National Football League or NFL nickname)

"No farmer, no food, no future"

"No farmers, no food, no future"

"No farms, no food"

"No farms, no food, no future"

No Fun City (New York City; Vancouver)

No Fun League (National Football League or NFL nickname)

"No game was ever won by resigning" (chess adage)

"No glove, no love"

"No god, no peace; know god, know peace"

"No good deed goes unpunished (in Washington)"

"No grain, no pain"

"No grass stains, no glory; no bruises, no story" (soccer, softball adage)

"No harm, no foul" ("No blood, no foul")

"No human being is illegal"

"No, I don't really 'rise and shine.' Most days, I just caffeinate and then hope for the best"

"No, I'm not a coffee 'addict'. I'm a caffeine-based life form..."

"No Irish need apply"

"No Jacket, No Tie, No Attitude" (The Mark)

"No Jews need apply"

"No Judgements" (Crunch)

"No justice, no peace!"

"No justice, no peace, no racist police!"

"'No lemon, no melon' backwards is 'No lemon, no melon'"

"No man escapes when freedom fails, the best men rot in filthy jails..."

"No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early"

"No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

"No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut"

"No man in the wrong can stand up against a fellow that's in the right and keeps on a-comin'"

"No man is a failure who has friends" (proverb)

"No man is an island. Manhattan is an island. Therefore, Manhattan is not a man."

"No man is lonely while eating spaghetti, for it requires so much attention"

"No man is your friend, no man is your enemy, but every man is your teacher"

"No man's credit is as good as his money"

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the Legislature is in session"

"No margin, no mission" (health care adage)

"No masterpiece was ever created by a lazy artist"

"No matter how beautiful you think the song is, the moment you use it as an alarm, it’s over"

"No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday"

"No matter how fast your car is, you can't outrun a police radio"

"No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back"

"No matter how loud car alarms are, cars never seem to wake up"

"No matter how many lasagnas you stack, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna"

"No matter how much it rains, there's a place in you that never stops shining"

"No matter how much you eat and drink, at least your earrings will still fit you"

"No matter how much you trust the police, always remember the police are trained to never trust you"

"No matter how much you trust the police, remember the police are trained to never trust you"

"No matter how old you get, it’s always fun watching your car go through the car wash"

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch"

"No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney"

"No matter how you feel. Get up, dress up, show up and never give up!"

"No matter where I serve my guests, they seem to like my kitchen best"

"No matter where you go, there you are"

"No matter where you play, if you have the talent, somebody will find you" (football adage)

"No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in"

"No milkweed, no monarchs" (gardening adage)

"No more bullshit!" (Norman Mailer 1969 mayoral slogan)

"No more free lunch!" (Fiorello La Guardia)

"No more pencils, no more books; no more teacher's dirty looks"

"No news is good news; no journalists is even better"

No-No (no-hit, no-run game in baseball)

"No Noise November. Everybody shut the fuck up"

"No Noise November. Everybody shut up"

"No Noise November. Everyone shut the fuck up"

"No Noise November. Everyone shut up"

"No one buys a ticket to see an owner" (sports adage)

"No one can whistle a symphony; it takes a whole orchestra to play it" (teamwork aphorism)

"No one ever drowned in sweat"

"No one ever got fired for buying IBM/Microsoft/gold"

"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side"

"No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning"

"No one ever wins when you order Thai food"

"No one flower can ever symbolize this nation. America is a bouquet"

"No one gets sick on Wednesdays"

"No one has ever become poor by giving"

"No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it 'Stool Sample'"

"No one in Antarctica has COVID-19. It's because they are ice-o-lated"

"No one in history has ever choked to death from swallowing his pride"

"No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin"

"No one is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them"

"No one is listening until you make a mistake"

"No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you’ve saved room for dessert"

"No one knows the true struggle of grocery shopping until they are put on a low sodium diet"

"No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep"

"No one man is the movement" ("No one man can stop the movement")

"No one needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one"

"No one on their deathbed ever says they wish they had spent more time at the office"

"No one owns the water. No one owns the land. No one owns the oceans. No one owns the sand"

"No one rules if no one obeys"

"No One Under 21 Must Have ID" (business sign)

"No one wants to eat in an empty restaurant"

"No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad"

"No one wants to hear about your fantasy football team"

"No one wants to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth"

"No one wants to quit when he's losing and no one wants to quit when he's winning"

"No one was eating the farmer's apples, so I told him to grow a pear"

"No one who can rise before dawn three hundred sixty days a year fails to make his family rich"

No Orleans (New Orleans nickname)

"No pain, no gain" (exercise adage)

"No pain, no gain. Shut up and train"

"No pain, no grain"

No-Park Slope (Park Slope)

"No peacocks, no jerks, no whiners"

"No pecs, no sex" (weightlifting saying)

"No player is bigger than the club"

"No playoff series truly begins until the road team wins a game"

"No politician can give you your liberty because it was never theirs to give in the first place"

No pork on my fork

"No prayer before eating. Here, the chef knows how to cook!" (restaurant joke)

"No prayer before eating. Here, the chef knows how to cook!" (restaurant joke)

"No pressure, no diamonds"

"No price is too high for a bull or too low for a bear" (Wall Street proverb)

"No recommended daily amount of fish oil has been codified"

"No rules for success will work if you don't"

"No run, no fun" (fishing adage)

"No run, no fun" (running adage)

"No science, no beer"

"No second prize in politics"

"No senior citizen discounts. You have had twice as long to get the money" (sign)

"No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway"

"No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway"

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Mask, No Service" (business sign)

"No Shoes, No Shirt, No Mask, No Service" (business sign)

No Soap. Radio

"No Soliciting...unless you're selling Girl Scout Cookies" (sign)

"No Soliciting...unless you're selling Thin Mints" (sign)

"No Standing -- Only Dancing"

"No Store Does More" (H-E-B slogan)

"No struggle, no strength" ("Where there is no struggle, there is no strength")

No Such Agency (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

"No sweat, no beauty. No squat, no booty"

"No sweet without sweat"

"No talkie before coffee" ("No talky before coffee")

"No taxation without respiration" (no estate tax)

"No tea, no shade"

"No tea, no shade, no pink lemonade"

"'No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian,' is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby"

"'No thanks, I'm vegetarian' is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby"

"No, things aren't getting worse. They're just getting more obvious"

"No tree grows to the sky" (Wall Street adage)

"No Trespassing. We're tired of hiding the bodies" (sign)

"No Vacancy" (bumper sticker)

No Vax. No Visit (vaccination and visitation policy)

"No war but class war" (NWBCW or NWBTCW)

"No way, José"

"No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn"

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine's Day..."

"Noah was a conspiracy theorist until it started to rain"

"Nobody believes a rumor here (in Washington) until it's officially denied"

"Nobody blamed the light saber"

"Nobody blamed the lightsaber"

"Nobody blamed the lightsaber when Anakin killed the younglings"

"Nobody but you should get to decide if taking a product with death listed as a side effect..."

"Nobody buys houses in the winter" (real estate adage)

"Nobody can drink beer faster than a MF who didn't buy it"

"Nobody can think straight who does not work. Idleness warps the mind."

"Nobody cares how bad your English is if your Scotch is good"

"Nobody ever asks for an adult bok choy"

"Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet"

"Nobody ever has a bottom locker in high school movies"

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded" (restaurant joke)

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse"

"Nobody has seen you look worse than the corner shop near your house"

"Nobody has seen you look worse than the corner store near your house"

"Nobody is bigger than the market" (Wall Street adage)

"Nobody is coming to save you. Get the fuck up and be your own hero"

"Nobody is coming to save you. Get up, and be your own hero"

"Nobody is coming to save you. Get up. Be your own hero"

"Nobody is equal to anybody. Even the same man is not equal to himself on different days"

"Nobody is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them"

"Nobody is impressed with how good your excuses are"

"Nobody likes it but the public" (Broadway saying)

"Nobody needs an AR15? Nobody needs a whiny little bitch either, yet here you are"

"Nobody remembers the second man to walk on the moon"

"Nobody rings a bell at the top or the bottom of a market" (Wall Street proverb)

"Nobody shoots at Santa Claus"

"Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you never met"

"Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you've never met"

"Nobody tell the president/Congress what number comes after a trillion"

"Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female"

"Nobody trains for second place" (physical training adage)

"Nobody wants popcorn until they smell it"

"Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it"

"Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season" (joke)

NoChe (North of Chelsea)

NoCo (Northern Boulevard + Corona)

Nodel (not a model)

NoDo (Houston's North of Downtown area)

Noflation (no + deflation/inflation)

NoHo (North of Houston Street)

Noisyville-on-the-Subway

NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana nickname)

Nolita (North of Little Italy)

Nolitan (inhabitant of Nolita, Manhattan)

NoLo (North Loop in Austin)

NoMa (Northern Manhattan)

NoMad (North of Madison Square Park)

NoMaS (North of Madison Square Park)

Nomentum ("no" momentum)

NoMid (North Midtown)

"Non-alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio"

"Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without the batteries. It fills you up, but lacks the buzz"

Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks (NASCAR nickname)

"None of our leaders are punished for lying. Instead, regular people are punished for telling the truth"

"None of the hits, all of the time" (91.7 KVXR-FM, student radio at UT-Austin)

"None of us is as smart as all of us"

"None of your beeswax" (beeswax = business)

"None of your problems are because someone else is a billionaire"

NoNewsMax (Newsmax nickname)

NoNewsMax (Newsmax TV nickname)

Nonstaurant (non-traditional restaurant)

Nontroversy (non-controversy)

Noo Yawk; New Yawk; Noo York

Nooch (nutritional yeast)

"Noodles are slimy bread yarn"

Nookies (deep-fried chocolate chip cookies)

"Nope. Not feelin' this whole Monday thing"

NoProPaSo (North of Prospect Park South)

Nor'beaster (nor'easter + beast)

"Normal cat ... Meow. Texan cat ... Meowdy"

"Normal people pay taxes. Millionaires pay accountants. Billionaires pay politicians"

"Norse God mathematicians stick out like Thor sums"

Norteño

North American Terrorist Organization (North Atlantic Treaty Organization or NATO nickname)

North Atlantic Terrorist Organization (North Atlantic Treaty Organization or NATO nickname)

North Austin (Stillwater, OK nickname)

North Carolina: Old North State (nickname)

North Carolina: Rip Van Winkle State (nickname)

North Carolina: Turpentine State (nickname)

North Dakota: Flickertail State (nickname)

"North is a direction. The South is a lifestyle"

"North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary…"

North New York (South Bronx)

North of Ordinary (Denton slogan)

Northernmost Banana Republic (New Orleans nickname)

Northernmost Caribbean City (New Orleans nickname)

Northwest East Village

Northwet (Pacific Northwest + wet); Northwetters

Norvegan (Norwegian + vegan)

Norwegian-American Day Parade

Norwegian-American Line (R subway line)

Norwegian Capital of Texas (Clifton nickname)

"Nos mean y la prensa dice que llueve" ("They pee on us and the press says it's raining")

Nosebleed Seat (Nosebleed Section; Nosebleeder)

"Noses are red, fingers are blue, I'm sick of winter. How about you?"

"Noses are red, fingers are blue, I'm tired of winter. How about you?"

NOSH (Nike, O'Reilly, Starbucks and Home Depot)

"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense and the past perfect"

Nostradumbass (Nostradamus + dumbass)

Not A Space Agency (NASA nickname)

"Not all Democrats are felons, but most felons are Democrats"

"Not all game shows are sports. but all sports are game shows"

"Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: 'Goodbye, class'"

"Not all gyros wear crêpes" ("Not all heroes wear capes")

"Not all math puns are bad. Just sum"

"Not all of us were made to cook. Some of us were made to have conversations with a person cooking"

"Not all Republicans are racists, but all racists are Republicans"

"Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path"

"Not all who wander are lost. They're just looking for coffee"

"Not all who wander to the kitchen at midnight are lost"

"Not bragging but I made six figures last year. At the toy factory"

Not Caring About Athletes (NCAA backronym)

"Not caring what other people think is the best choice you will ever make"

"Not chopped liver" ("What am I? Chopped liver?")

"Not drunk. Avoiding potholes" (bumper sticker)

"Not even God can hit a 1-iron" (golf joke)

"Not everything that is faced can be changed"

"Not far right. Just right so far"

"Not feelin' this whole Monday thing"

Not For Long (National Football League or NFL nickname)

"Not forcing you, just taking away everything until you consent"

"Not guilty, but return the horse" (Old West Justice)

"Not having sex after getting drunk is a waste of alcohol, honestly"

"Not having sex after getting drunk is just a waste of alcohol, honestly"

"Not Just Wall Street. Every Street." (New York Times slogan)

"Not knowing the truth makes you ignorant. Not wanting to know the truth is what makes you stupid"

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

"Not my circus, not my monkeys. But the clowns definitely know me"

"Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire..."

"Not only do I dance like nobody is watching, I also drink as if I don't work in the morning"

Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

Not Serving Americans or Not Serving Anyone (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

Not-So-Great Reset

"Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn"

"Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn"

"Not sure if I'm raw vegan or too lazy to cook"

"Not sure if it's the end of the world or just Monday"

"Not sure if life is getting better or the amount of fuck I give is decreasing"

"Not sure if mine is the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there"

"Not sure if my house is creaking for its own personal house reason or I’m about to be murdered"

"Not sure why society seems to hate lazy people. They didn't even do anything"

"Not sure why the FBI is mostly guys because a girl's ability to find shit out is unmatched"

"Not sure why the FBI is mostly guys because a woman's ability to find shit out is unmatched"

"Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions"

"Not to brag, but I'm really good at beer"

"Not to brag, but I'm really good at drinking beer"

"Not to brag, but I'm really good at drinking wine"

"Not to brag, but I'm really good at tequila"

"Not to brag, but I'm really good at wine"

"Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that's ever served me. With just the tip"

"Not to brag, but we haven’t been late for anything in over two weeks"

"Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good at coffee"

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm pretty good at making coffee"

"Not trusting the government doesn't make you a conspiracy theorist. It makes you a history buff"

"Not worth a tinker's dam" ("Not worth a tinker's damn")

"Not worth a tinker's damn" ("Not worth a tinker's dam")

"Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. EAT ME NOW. Too late. -- Avocados"

"Not your mom, not your milk"

"Not your mum, not your milk"

NOTA (None Of The Above)

"Notches on one's bedpost" (sexual conquests)

"Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as 'you should know this'"

"Nothing brightens the rat race like a horse race" (OTB slogan)

Nothing Burger (Nothingburger)

Nothing But Crap (NBC nickname)

"Nothing can be politically right that is morally wrong"

"Nothing else will make you type slower other than your last password attempt"

"Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday"

"Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Wednesday"

"Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out he's a Democrat"

"Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out he/she/they/them is a Democrat"

"Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out they're a Democrat"

"Nothing gets out of hand quicker these days than money"

"Nothing good happens after midnight"

"Nothing happens until somebody sells something"

"Nothing happens until something moves"

"Nothing is as effective as homeopathy"

"Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it himself"

"Nothing is impossible with the right attitude and a hammer"

"Nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent"

"Nothing is older than yesterday's newspaper"

"Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program"

"Nothing kills a bad product faster than good advertising" (advertising adage)

"Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught"

"Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute"

"Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive"

"Nothing makes you feel like a bigger alcoholic than taking out the recycling"

"Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday"

"Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Wednesday"

"Nothing new on race day" (running adage)

"Nothing New York suffers from can't be cured by doubling its budget" (J. K. Galbraith)

"Nothing recedes like success"

"Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like..."

"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday"

"Nothing ruins Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday"

"Nothing ruins Friday like realizing it's only Wednesday"

"Nothing Sacred But the Truth" (New York Observer)

"Nothing saves money like being antisocial"

"Nothing says a company doesn’t value you like, 'Dear Valued Customer'"

"Nothing says first world problems like falling in love with a limited edition flavor"

"Nothing says Happy Mother's Day like flowers bought from a gas station"

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log"

"Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a shopping cart at the liquor store"

"Nothing says love like something you made"

"Nothing says 'one of us cheated' like a joint Facebook account"

"Nothing says 'trust the science' like 'we can't tell you what's in it and you can't sue us'"

"Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday"

"Nothing strikes fear in a Texan like a Yankee with a U-Haul"

"Nothing succeeds like success"

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"

"Nothing that requires the labor of others is a basic human right"

"Nothing to it, but to do it"

"Nothing tops a cheese pizza"

"Nothing tops a plain pizza"

"Nothing works unless you do"

"Nothing worse than trying to text someone and a cyclist bounces off your windscreen"

"Nothing's built in the U.S. My new tv says 'built in antenna.' I don't know where that is"

"Notice: No service will be provided at this bar to anyone on a horse" (bar sign)

"Notice: We have updated our privacy policy. Our new policy is that you don't have any"

"Nothing as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in"

#NotMyGroundhog

Nots (Nets basketball team nickname)

"'Nouvelle cuisine' is French for 'not enough food'"

"November 1st: National Eat Your Kids' Halloween Candy While They Are at School Day"

"November doesn’t have afternoons. It’s just morning until 2 p.m., then night"

"November 1st: Happy National Eat Your Kids' Halloween Candy While They Are In School Day"

"Novinophobia: The fear of running out of wine"

"Now and Later is a poor man's Starburst"

"Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature"

"Now Anything's Possible" & "The Place to Be" (Time Warner Cable)

"How do midget waiters get paid?"/"Under the table."

"Now he belongs to the ages" (at Abraham Lincoln's death)

"'Now, here's something you don't see every day....' A phrase rendered obsolete by WhatsApp"

"Now I know why dogs get so excited to go for walks"

"Now I lay me down to sleep. A bottle of vodka at my feet..."

"Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of Jack Daniel's at my feet..."

"Now I sit me down to sleep; the speaker's dull, the subject deep"

"Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves"

"Now is always the most difficult time to invest"

"Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people" (virus joke)

"Now is probably the perfect time to become a ventriloquist"

"Now my friends lay me down to sleep, a fifth of whiskey down by my feet..."

"Now serving liquid sanity and motivation topped with hope. It's called coffee"

"Now Showing: No Close Encounters of Any Kind" (quarantine movie joke)

Now Spying on Americans (National Security Agency or NSA nickname)

"Now that April Fool's day is over, everything on the internet is true again" (April 2)

"Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants"

"Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personalities"

"Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personality"

"Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker"

"Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week: turn signals"

"Now that we've banned plastic straws, I guess I'll just have to drink my frappucino through..."

"Now That's HIP" (Health Insurance Plan of Greater NY)

Now You're Unemployed (New York University or NYU nickname)

"Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check"

NPCNN (CNN nickname)

"NSA -- The only part of the government that actually listens"

NSFWFH (Not Safe For Work From Home)

"Nuclear fusion is just 30 years away -- and always will be"

Nuclear Option

Nuclear Taco

"Nuclear war can spoil your whole day"

"Nudeles: noodles cooked while naked"

"Nudeles: noodles eaten while naked"

"Nuestros sueños no caben en sus urnas" ("Our dreams do not fit in their ballot boxes")

"Nuestros sueños no caben en vuestras urnas" ("Our dreams do not fit in your ballot boxes")

"Nueva York! New York City! The big apple!" (Against All Odds film, 1984)

Nuke (to cook in a microwave oven)

Number Cruncher

Numerous 1920s "Big Apple" citations in the New York Morning Telegraph

Nurse-in (protest for breastfeeding in restaurants)

"Nurses can really take the pressure"

"Nurses can take the pressure"

"Nut milk is not milk"

Nutcracker and Nemo (sweet liquor punch)

"Nutella? Did the bank get rid of the old tella?"

"Nutella implies the existence of Oldtella"

"Nutella implies the existence of Mutella, Lamdatella and Omegatella"

"Nutella is just liquid Ferrero Rocher"

"Nutella is just melted Ferrero Rocher"

Nutpicking (nut + nitpicking/cherry-picking)

"Nutri-Grain bars are just long Fig Newtons"

"Nutri-Grain bars are just longer Fig Newtons"

"Nutrition Fact: If you drink a gallon of water a day, you won't have time for other people's drama"

"Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this"

"Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this"

"Nutrition labels should have a 'What if I ate the whole damn thing?' section"

"Nutritional labels should include a 'What if I ate the whole damn thing?' section"

Nutroots

"Nuts are just tasty wood"

"Nuts are tree eggs"

"Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be"

Nuts, Racists and Assholes (National Rifle Association or NRA nickname)

Nutted Cheese Sandwich

"Nutty as a fruitcake" ("Nuttier than a fruitcake")

Nuyorican

NY Musical Theatre Festival

NY Pause (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

NY1 ("just one guy")

N.Y.C.

"N.Y.C." (1977)

"NYC" (2002)

NYC 2012 (RIP)

NYC Grand Prix (at Icahn Stadium)

NYC Kidsfest

NYC Open Studios

NYC Subway Hot Sauce

N.Y.C. The Big Apple (Atari video game, 1984)

NYC Volunteer Expo

NYCE (New York Cash Exchange)

NYE (New Year's Eve)

Nyets (Nets basketball team nickname)

NYJew (New York University or NYU nickname)

NYPD & FDNY

NYPD (New York Pass Defense)

NYPD (New York Pizza Dept./Deli/Depot/Diner/Delivery)

NYPDK (New York Police Department + killer)

NyTi (New York Times nickname)

OAMC (Once-A-Month Cooking)

OANonsense (One America News Network or OANN nickname)

"Oat milk is just oatmeal without the pulp"

"Oat milk is just pulp free oatmeal"

"Oatmeal is basically bread soup"

"Oatmeal is just breakfast rice"

"Oatmeal raisin cookies are just catfish chocolate chip cookies"

"Oatmeal raisin cookies are the catfish of cookies"

"Oatmeal raisin cookies are the original catfish"

"Oatmeal raisin cookies taste better the older you get"

"Oatmilk latte is just coffee-flavored pulp-free oatmeal in a sippy cup"

OBC (Original Broadway Cast)

OBCR (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

"Obedience is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right"

"Obedience is not patriotism"

"Obedience is what gives tyrants their power"

"Obesity is probably the only disease where a run for the cure will actually cure it"

"Obesity -- When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you"

"Obey gravity. It's the law"

"Obey the sign or pay the fine"

Obie Award

"Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear" (safety warning)

Oblication (obligation + vacation)

Oblivobesity (obliviousness + obesity)

Obscene Profit Timeout (commercial)

Obsessive Coffee Disorder (OCD)

"Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal"

Occupier (Occupy Wall Street participant)

Occupocalypse (Occupy Wall Street + apocalypse)

Occutard (Occupy Wall Street + retard)

"OCD -- Obsessive Cycling Disorder"

Ocean Meat (seafood)

OCR (Original Cast Recording)

Octaper (October + taper)

Octemburary (fictional month)

Octo-Beer-Fest (Octoberfest + beer)

Octobeerfest (Octoberfest + beer)

"October is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off and turn the heat on..."

October Surprise

Odessa (summary)

Odessan (inhabitant of Odessa)

"Oedipus and Midas walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Oedipus, Aphrodite and Midas walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Of all my body parts, my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day"

"Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain"

"Of all the things I learned in grade school, how to avoid cooties was the last I expected to use"

"Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my metabolism the most"

"Of all the things that 'taste like chicken', eggs are ironically not one of them"

"Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them"

"Of all the utensils invented to eat rice with, how did two sticks win?"

"Of course all scientists agree, when you censor the ones who don't"

"Of course carrot cake is healthy, 60% of its name contains carrot"

"Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice"

"Of course it's heavy, that's why they call it weight"

"Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza"

"Of course women don't work as hard as men. They get it right the first time"

Off Book

Off-Off Broadway

"Off the reservation"

"Off the table" (something non-negotiable)

Off Topic: Charles Gillett on Conventions

Off-Track Betting (OTB) & "Go, Baby, Go!"

"Offense sells tickets, but defense wins championships"

Office Cheapo (Office Depot nickname)

Office Despot (Office Depot nickname)

"Office sweet office"

"Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?"/"It's a moving violation."

Official Bird of New York City (middle finger; pigeon)

Officialdom

"Often in error, but never in doubt" ("Often wrong, but never in doubt")

"Oh beautiful for spaceship skies" ("America the Beautiful" mondegreen)

"Oh Friday! Let me hug u!"

"Oh Friday, let me hug you"

"Oh good, an email from every single store or website I've ever bought something from"

"Oh, I'm glad I'm not a turkey"

"Oh kale no"

"Oh my God, a talking muffin!" (joke)

"Oh my God, a talking sausage!" (joke)

"Oh my God, how can you drink straight orange juice first thing in the morning?"

"Oh my gourd, I love fall"

Oh Shoot, Here Again (Occupational Safety & Health Administration or OSHA nickname)

"Oh sweet Jesus. Oh sour Jesus. Oh BBQ Jesus. Oh cool ranch Jesus. Oh Doritos locos tacos Jesus"

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the wine is so delightful"

"Oh, we must be in Pasadena!"

"Oh you don't have a valentine on valentine's day? Some people don't even have a groundhog on groundhogs day"

"Oh, you got a sticker for voting? A banana gets a sticker for being a banana"

"Oh, you got a sticker for voting? That's cool. A banana gets a sticker for being a banana"

"Oh, you're an anarchist? Then solve every single problem in the world right now"

"Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet"

Ohio: "Where’s Engagement, Ohio?"/"Somewhere between Dayton and Marion."

Oil Bowl (Maskat Oil Bowl at Wichita Falls)

Oilpocalypse (oil + apocalypse)

OJ (orange juice)

O.K. Bolt (tapioca pudding)

"'OK Boomer,' said the currant to the elderberry"

"OK, but first cocktails"

"OK, but first coffee"

"OK, but first iced coffee"

"OK" Sign (Ballantine Beer & Pizza Box Chef use)

"Ok, so if the Corona virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?"

OK-to-beer-fest (Oktoberfest)

"Okey-dokey, artichokey" ("Okie-dokie, artichokie")

"Okey dokey" ("Okie dokie"); "Okey doke"

Oklahoma: Diet Texas (nickname)

Oklahoma Guarantee

Oklahoma Oysters

Okonomiyaki (Japanese Pizza)

Okrahoma (Oklahoma nickname)

Okratini (Okra + Martini)

Okto-Beer-Fest (Oktoberfest + beer)

Oktobeerfest (Oktoberfest + beer)

OLC (Original London Cast)

OLCR (Original London Cast Recording)

"Old accountants never die -- they just lose their balance"

"Old bankers never die -- they just lose interest"

"Old bowlers never die — they just end up in the gutter"

"Old card players never die -- they just shuffle away"

Old College Try

"Old cooks never die, they just get deranged"

"Old deans never die—they just lose their faculties"

"Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the whole business"

"Old fishermen never die -- they just lose their bobbers"

"Old fishermen never die -- they just smell that way"

"Old frisbee players never die -- they just end up on the roof"

Old Glory Corner (Fifth Avenue and 16th Street)

"Old golfers never die -- they just lose their balls"

"Old golfers never die -- they just lose their drive"

"'Old' is when your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love'" (joke)

"Old Italian chefs never die -- they're just put out to pasta"

"Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed"

Old Lady of 43rd Street (New York Times nickname)

"Old lawyers never die -- they just lose their appeal"

"Old MacDonald had a robot farm, AI AI O"

"Old MacDonald had a server farm, AI AI O"

"Old MacDonald had computers do everything for him, AI AI O"

Old Maid (unpopped corn kernel)

"Old math teachers never die -- they just become irrational"

"Old math teachers never die -- they just reduce to lowest terms"

"Old mathematicians never die -- they just lose some of their functions"

"Old money whispers, new money shouts"

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods; they need all the preservatives they can get"

"Old skiers never die -- they just go downhill"

"Old slaves were in chains. New slaves are in denial"

"Old software engineers never die -- they just reboot"

Old Sparky (electric chair)

Old Swampy (New Orleans nickname)

"Old teachers never die -- they just lose their class"

"Old ways won't open new doors"

Old World Order (old + New World Order): OWO

Old World Wine

Old York Times (New York Times nickname)

Oldest Profession (prostitution)

Oldest Town in Texas (Nacogdoches nickname)

"Oldie but goodie"

Oleander City (Galveston nickname)

Oligarch's Erection (432 Park Avenue)

"Olive Garden is the Italian version of Applebee’s"

"Olive Garden waitress asks me to "say when" and begins to grate parmesan on my salad..."

Olive Gardener (Olive Garden customer or employee)

"Olive oil is a fruit juice"

Olive Oil Sommelier (Oleologist)

"Olive, the other reindeer"

"Olive who?/"Olive you!" (knock-knock joke)

"Olives matter"

"Olympia, WA" (1995) ("52nd and Broadway" lyric)

Olympics (NYC 2012), the Big Apple, and the "Public Advocate" disgrace

OMAD (One Meal A Day)

"Omelets are just egg quesadillas"

"Omelettes are just egg quesadillas"

"Omicron must come from the Omicrônne region of France, otherwise it's just sparkling covid"

Omnomymous (nom nom + anonymous)

Omnomynous (nom nom + anonymous)

"On a New York City subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing"

"On a slow boat to China" (a long transport)

"On any given Sunday" ("On any given Saturday")

"On Broadway" (1963)

"On earth, as it is in Austin"

"On economics tests, the questions are the same every year -- only the answers change"

"On Fridays, I prefer my espresso in a martini"

"On Line" (not "in line")

"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks"

"On Mondays, I feel like I need coffee injected directly into my veins"

"On Mondays, I feel like I need coffee injected directly into my veins"

"On New Years Eve, an old Irish tradition is to open your door at midnight and let the old year out"

"On Saturday mornings, I like to wake up slow and sit on the couch having coffee for 37 hours"

"On Saturdays we wear pajamas"

"On Sunday mornings, I like to wake up slow and sit on the couch having coffee for 37 hours"

"On Sundays, my coffee is recreational. As opposed to weekdays, when it's medicinal"

"On Thanksgiving black ppl don't eat breakfast. We starve until da food ready"

"On Thanksgiving country folks don’t eat breakfast. We starve until the food is ready"

"On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment — halftime"

"On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment—halftime"

"On Thanksgiving Hispanics don't eat breakfast. We starve until da food ready"

"On Thanksgiving we don't eat breakfast. We starve until the food is ready"

"On Thanksgiving, what's always in the middle of the table?"/"The letter B."

"On the 6" (1999) & "Jenny from the Block" (2002)

"On the 8th day God created Texas"

On the Border by the Sea (Brownsville slogan)

"On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell"

"On the eighth day God created coffee so that people like me could experience the other seven days"

"On the fence"

"On the first day of Covid my true love coughed on me"

"On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid"

"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key"

"On the money"

"On the one hand, fireworks are a lot of fun. On the other hand, I have only two fingers"

"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

On the Rocks (served over ice)

"On the same page" (teamwork saying)

"On the table" (something negotiable or for discussion)

"On the wagon" ("Off the wagon")

"On this site in 1897, nothing happened"

"On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese..."

"On top of the News, ahead of the Times" (New York Newsday slogan)

"On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?"/"Dish-orderly conduct."

"On what kind of ships do students study?"/"Scholarships."

ONAN (One America News Network or OANN nickname)

"Once a billionaire, always a billionaire"

"Once a Dodger, Always a Dodger"

"Once a Marine, always a Marine"

"Once I got a job, I realized mom was right. We do have food at home"

"Once I got a job I realized my mom was right, we did have food at home"

"Once I started spending my own money, I realized mom was right. We do got food at home"

"Once I started spending my own money, I realized mom was right. We do have food at home"

"Once is happenstance; twice is coincidence; the third time it's enemy action"

"Once they see you doing better without them, that's when they want you back"

"Once upon a time, all food was organic"

"Once upon a time, there was an ox..." (oxtail joke)

"Once weapons were manufactured to fight war, but now war is manufactured to sell weapons"

"Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars. Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons"

"Once you are awake, it's hard to go back to sheep"

"Once you are in Texas it seems to take forever to get out, and some people never make it"

"Once you awake, it's hard to go back to sheep"

"Once you get Florida sand in your shoes, you never want to leave"

"Once you get rid of integrity, the rest is a piece of cake" (J.R. on Dallas tv series)

"Once you go craft, you never go back" (craft beer adage)

"Once you lick frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin"

"Once you realize you don't need a special occasion to buy cake, a second part of your life begins"

"Once you start scooping salsa instead of just dipping salsa, you’re officially an adult"

"Once you understand that the 'solutions' aren't created to solve the 'problems'..."

"Once you wake up, it's hard to go back to sheep"

"Once your neighbor cuts their grass, you have 48 hours to respond"

"Once your neighbor cuts their grass, you have 72 hours to respond"

"Once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed"

"Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both"

"Once you've seen one rugby joke, you've seen a maul"

"'Onced' and 'twiced' are words"

One America Nonsense Network (One America News Network or OANN nickname)

One-Armed Economist (who doesn't say "on the other hand")

One Armed Scissor (vodka and Red Bull)

"One Asian, in the vestibule" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One 'aw, shit' wipes out a thousand 'attaboys'"

"One bite means a binge"

"One book that always has a sad ending is a check book"

One Chatham Square (beef stew)

One Chatham Square (beef stew)

"One client at a time" (Morgan Stanley)

"One day I want to be 'Let’s Just Take My Helicopter' rich"

"One day I'll learn how to motivate myself. For now, there's coffee"

"One day, I'll solve my problems with maturity. Today. it's with alcohol"

"One day...I'm gonna make the onions cry"

"One day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of THE QUARANTEENS"

"One day many will hang their heads in shame when they realize the evil they defended..."

"One day of practice is like one day of clean living. It ain't gonna help"

"One day or day one. You decide"

"One day someone is gonna love me and I will stop sharing memes"

"One day someone will love me and I will stop sharing memes and you all will miss me"

"One day someone will love me and I will stop sharing memes. Y'all will miss me"

"One day someone will love you, and you will stop sharing memes"

"One day you will be dead and you won’t be able to play on your phone so..."

"One day YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will join together and be called YouTwitFace"

"One does not simply have 'one' pancake"

"One finds limits by pushing them"

One-Food Wonder

"One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready, and four to go"

"One from column A, one from column B" (Chinese menu ordering)

"One game doesn't define a season"

"One good thing about apples is that they don’t make you go through a lot of drama..."

"One great thing about Louisiana heat: You can guarantee no one is waiting in your back seat"

"One great thing about Texas heat: You can guarantee no one is waiting in your back seat"

One-Hour Fuel (dry weeds and grass)

"One."/"How many time travelers does it take to ruin a joke?"

"One impeachment is bad, but two impeachments -- that’s just unpresidented"

"One is scared and the other is glad of it"

"One knee equals two feet" (football saying)

"One large mocha Xanax vodka latte with whipped cream and Valium sprinkles please"

"One man's chicken shit is another man's chicken salad"

"One man's mob is another man's democracy"

"One man's pork is another man's bacon"

"One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter"

"One minute you are young and fun and the next minute you're excited about a crockpot"

"One minute, you're young and fun. And the next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better"

"One minute you're young and fun and the next minute you're excited about a new vacuum"

"One minute you're young and fun and the next minute you're excited about an air fryer"

"One more drink and I'd have been under the host!"

"One more week until I let a professional football team determine my mood for the next four months"

"One naked individual" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One nation and a vegetable" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One nation gone under" (joke on "One nation under God")

"One nation in a dirigible" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One nation, invisible" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One nation, under a fraud, with tyranny and injustice for all"

"One Nation Under CCTV"

"One nation, under fraud"

"One nation, under fraud, completely visible, with spying on and lying to all"

"One nation, under fraud, with tyranny and injustice for all"

"One nation, under guard, invisible" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day"

"One nuclear bomb can spoil your whole day"

"One of my biggest fears is that I'll marry into a family that does 5Ks on holidays"

"One of my chief regrets is that I couldn't sit in the audience and watch me act"

"One of my waffles is crazier than the other. It's my alter Eggo"

"One of my worst traits is my core belief that I deserve a little $6 coffee every time I run a mildly unpleasant errand"

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball"

"One of the best things about being a conspiracy theorist is that you don't end up with myocarditis"

"One of the great things about cooking your own food is the certainty that any hair in it is yours"

"One of the greatest mistakes in American history was allowing government to educate our children"

"One of the greatest prisons people live in is the fear of what other people think"

"One of the greatest sources of energy is pride in what we are doing"

"One of the weirdest mainstream political beliefs is that secretive government agencies..."

"One of the worst jobs in the world is to be a fruit stand vendor in action movie"

"One of these days, is none of these days"

"One-One was a racehorse..." (tongue twister)

One PP or Puzzle Palace (One Police Plaza)

"One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time"

"One right and honest definition of business is mutual helpfulness"

"One Riot -- One Ranger" (Texas Rangers)

"One shot, meat in the pot" (hunting saying)

"One son went to sea and one became vice president; neither was ever heard of again"

"One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, 'Sorry, my fault'"

"One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!"

"One test is worth a thousand expert opinions"

"One thing that internet taught me is that stupidity is international"

"One thing that the internet has taught me is that stupidity is international"

"One thing the internet taught me is that stupidity is international"

"One thing you can give and still keep is your word"

"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket"

"One time my kid’s elementary school went 6 days in a row without a fundraiser"

"One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress"

"One week until I let a college football team determine my mood for the next 4 months"

One World Government (OWG)

Onek ("fork" with one prong/tine)

Oneonta: Cold Cheese Pizza (or "Oneonta slice")

Oneonta Slice (cold cheese pizza, invented in Oneonta, NY)

"One's gotta have good credit. That’s why it’s called a significant other (sign-if-I-can't)"

Onigiri (Japanese rice ball)

Onion Ring Tower (Towering Onion Rings)

"Onion rings and french fries are deep fried binary"

"Onion rings are a poor man's calamari"

"Onion rings are just ghetto calamari"

"Onion rings are just vegan calamari"

"Onion rings are just vegetarian calamari"

"Onion rings are vegetable donuts"

"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time"

"Onions are the only vegetables that fight back"

"Onions force you to mourn their death"

"Online flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Only a buzzard feeds on its friends"

"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule, or a cook"

"Only a fool can be happy to show off a pass for things he used to do without a pass"

"Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them..."

"Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living"

"Only a matter of time before my electric bill asks me to select a tip amount"

"Only a surfer knows the feeling"

"Only a weirdough doesn't like pizza"

"Only accountants can save the world -- through peace, goodwill and reconciliations"

"Only add soy sauce when the chef is standing upright. Never Kikkoman when he's down"

"Only an idiot disarms himself and expects criminals to do the same"

"Only an idiot disarms himself, and thinks criminals will do the same"

"Only an idiot disarms themselves, and thinks the criminal will do the same"

"Only angry people win football games"

"Only angry people win football games"

"Only as the power of persuasion replaces the persuasion of power can collective bargaining..."

Only Assholes News Network (One America News Network or OANN nickname)

Only city with a foreign policy (politicians visiting Israel and Puerto Rico)

"Only dead fish go with the flow"

"Only government can take perfectly good paper, cover it with perfectly good ink..."

"Only government is incompetent enough to be in the business of forcibly extracting money..."

"Only in America can you get arrested for feeding the homeless & be sentenced to community service"

Only in New York

"Only in New York" (2002)

"Only newcomers and fools predict the weather in Texas"

"Only one thing is worse than an almoster and that is a never tryer"

"Only one thing is worser than an almoster and that is a never tryer"

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"

"Only Robinson Crusoe had all his work done by Friday"

"Only the empire should have guns"

"Only the government is incompetent enough to be in the business of stealing money..."

Only the little people pay taxes (attributed to Leona Helmsley)

"Only the paranoid survive" (internet adage)

Only the Strong Survive (Bronx, Brooklyn, or NYC slogan)

"Only thing left on my debit card is my name and expiration date"

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly"

"Only those who have something to hide will work relentlessly to censor those who speak the truth"

"Only two things that money can't buy -- that's true love and homegrown tomatoes"

"Only when you can see through the illusion, can you be part of the solution"

"OnlyCoffee instead of OnlyFans. Just me flicking beans all day"

"OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyCritics"

"OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyFoes"

"OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyHaters"

"OnlyFans is the Etsy of porn"

"Onward Thru the Fog" or "Onward Through the Fog" (Oat Willie's of Austin)

OOBC (Original Off-Broadway Cast)

OOBCR (Original Off-Broadway Cast Recording)

OOPS (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

Op-Ed (opposite editorial)

"Open a can of worms" (idiom)

"Open box before eating pizza" (pizza box instructions)

"Open faced sandwiches are just fancy toast"

Open House New York

"Open Mike Night sounded fun, but then we got to the morgue"

"Open the garage, here comes the car!" (opening a child's mouth for food)

"Open the hangar, here comes the airplane!" (opening a child's mouth for food)

"Open the oven, take a look; first to complain is next week's cook"

"Open the tunnel, here comes the train!" (opening a child's mouth for food)

"Open your eyes. The media lies"

"Open your eyes to the media lies"

"Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking"

"Opera is basically screaming in cursive"

"Opera is just screaming music in cursive"

"Opera is just yelling in cursive"

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings"

Operation American Spring (#AmericanSpring)

Operation Chaos

Operation Twist (Operation Nudge)

OpEx (Operational Expenditure)

"Opinions are like assholes -- everybody's got one"

"Opinions are like orgasms -- mine matters most, and I don't care if you have one"

Opiniotainment (opinion + entertainment)

Opinutainment (opinion + education + entertainment)

OPM (Other People's Money)

"Opportunities always look bigger going than coming"

"Trading opportunities are like buses; if you miss one, another will come along soon"

"Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them"

"Opportunities, like eggs, come one at a time"

"Opportunities, like eggs, must be hatched when they are fresh"

"Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door"

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work"

"Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell"

"Opportunity never knocks twice"

"Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first. Realists just start drinking"

"Optometrists live longer because they dilate"

Orange County (orange soda and vanilla ice cream)

"Orange Crush is a poor man's Sunkist"

Orange Heads or Orangeheads (UT Longhorns fans)

"Orange in the Apple" (Syracuse University Orange slogan in the Big Apple)

"Orange juice got the nickname 'OJ,' but apple juice didn't get the nickname 'AJ'"

Orange Julius & Orange Juice Gulch

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" (knock-knock joke)

"Oranges are pre-sliced by nature"

Orchid Show (New York Botanical Garden)

"Order synonym rolls. They have fewer calories than cinnamon rolls and taste the same"

Order Sniping (prank)

"Ordered some German food off the internet. The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come"

"Ordered stuff using my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg"

Oregon, Things Look Different Here (Oregon slogan)

Oregon, We Love Dreamers (Oregon slogan)

Oregon, You're More Than Welcome (Oregon slogan)

Oregonian (inhabitant of Oregon)

"Oregonians don't tan, they rust"

Oregroanian (The Oregonian newspaper nickname)

Orejas (Mexican pastry "ears")

Oreo

"Oreos are just American macarons"

"Oreos are just sugar burgers"

"Oreos are the peasant version of macarons"

"Oreos are the poor man's macarons"

"Pretty words are not always true, and true words are not always pretty"

"Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble"

Organic Tanking

Organized Team Activity (OTA)

Orient Express or International Line (7 train)

"Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back branches"

"Origami is the new woodworking"

Origin of "Badger" (Wisconsin nickname)

Origin of “Boomer”/"Sooner" (Oklahoma nickname) - summary

Origin of "Buckeye" (Ohio nickname)

Origin of "Canuck" ("Johnny Canuck") - summary

Origin of "Gopher" (Minnesota nickname)

Origin of "Hawkeye" (Iowa nickname)

Origin of "Hoosier" (Indiana nickname)

Origin of “Jayhawk” (Kansas nickname) - summary

Origin of "Sucker" (Illinois nickname)

Origin of “Tar Heel” (North Carolina nickname) - summary

Origin of "Wolverine" (Michigan nickname)

Original New York Seltzer (from California)

Original Six (six oldest NHL teams)

Orphan Train

Widows and Orphans (newspaper terminology)

"Orthodontists are going on strike. Brace yourself!"

"Orthodontists are going on strike. Brace yourselves!"

"Orwell called them thought police. Big Tech calls them fact checkers"

"Orzo is pasta masquerading as rice. Risotto is rice masquerading as pasta"

Oscar (Academy Award)

Oscars of Architecture (Architizer's A+ Awards)

Oscars of Street Food (Vendy Awards nickname)

Oscars of the East Coast (Met Gala nickname)

Oscars of the Plus Industry (Full Figured Fashion Week nickname)

Osgood Pie (Oh-So-Good Pie; Allgood Pie)

"Ossifer, I'm sotally tober!" (joke on "Officer, I'm totally sober!")

OST (Original Sound Track)

Ostionera (Ostioneria)

Ostrich Economics

Oswego: Starch City (nickname)

Othello (chocolate-covered sponge cake)

"Other states were carved or born, Texas grew from hide and horn" (Berta Hart Nance)

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

OTM (Other Than Mexican)

"Otter Pops are just boneless popsicles"

Otto (football linebacker position)

"Our 3-year-old said she wanted a spirit guest. 3 exorcisms later, we realized she wanted asparagus"

"Our aim is to keep this restroom clean. Your aim will help" (men's restroom sign)

"Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home"

"Our coffee is an experience that chalk is unable to convey" (chalkboard sign)

"Our comedies are not to be laughed at"

"Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks and United States senators"

"Our credit manager is Helen Waite. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite."

"Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind"

"Our dreams cannot fit in their ballot boxes"

"Our dreams don't fit in ballot boxes"

"Our dreams don't fit in their ballot boxes"

"Our dreams don't fit in your ballot boxes"

"Our dreams will never fit in their ballot boxes"

"Our dreams will never fit into their ballot boxes"

"Our dreams won't fit in ballot boxes"

"Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name..." (Lord's Prayer mondegreen)

"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..." (Lord's Prayer mondegreen)

"Our fear is their power"

"Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth -- a sense of humor"

"Our flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies with the last breath of each soldier..."

"Our food is fresh. Our customers are spoiled." (FreshDirect)

"Our freedom doesn't end where your fear begins"

"Our friendship is like a cup of tea...a special blend of you and me"

"Our house is lived in, it's not for show. If you don't like the mess, you know where to go"

Our Lady of New York

"Our Lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink..."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter"

"Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job. Now he’s just a handyman"

"Our most important assets go home every night" (employee-intensive business slogan)

"Our office just got a new conference table -- it sleeps 16"

"Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh"

"Our printing press is the internet. Our coffee houses are social networks"

"Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous."/"I know, one of them’s just been serving me."

"Our rights don't end where your fear begins"

"Our rights don't end where your fears begin"

Our Savior Has Arrived (Occupational Safety & Health Administration or OSHA nickname)

"Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves" (deli/restaurant sign)

"Our town is so small we don't have a town drunk, so we all take turns"

"Our trip to the Big Apple" (The Fairly Oddparents episode, 2011)

"Out in left field" ("Out of left field")

"Out like a fat kid in dodgeball"

"Out of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain"

"Out of my mind -- back in five minutes" (office door sign)

Out-of-Pocket Expenses

"Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas. The other letters were not-E"

"Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal"

"Out to lunch"

"Out where the buses don't run"

"Out with the old, in with the new. Cheers to the future and all that we do"

"Outback Steakhouse is a poor man's LongHorn Steakhouse"

"Outback Steakhouse is poor man's Texas Roadhouse"

Outdoor Capital of Texas (Buda nickname)

Outer Boroughs

OuterB or Outerb (Outer Borough)

Outhouse Steakback (Outback Steakhouse nickname)

"Outside is expensive. Lock us back up!" (after quarantine)

"Oven preheat minutes are longer than microwave minutes"

"Over 18 Miles of Books" (Strand Book Store)

"Over 40—we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet, so there’s no proof"

"Over 50 -- we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet, so there's no proof"

"Over 60—we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet, so there’s no proof"

Over For America (Organizing For America or OFA nickname)

"Over-medicated and under-educated is exactly how they want us"

"Over Night Or Over Time" (Alex Hotel)

"Overbought can become more overbought" (Wall Street adage)

Overdoughse (overdose + dough)

"Overeaters Anonymous hotline. Call 888-888-8888"

Overkrauted (too much sauerkraut)

Overland Trout (bacon)

"Overnight is a long time in politics; a week is forever"

"Overslept this morning, was late getting to the living room"

"Oversold can become more oversold" (Wall Street adage)

"Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you"

"Own your age in bonds"

Owners' Box or Owner's Box (Texas House gallery where lobbyists sit)

"Owning a funeral home means you go back to work after you die"

"Owning a gun isn't small dick energy. SDE is relying on the government to keep you safe"

"Owning dogs is perfect for people who never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves again"

"Owning the Yankees is like owning the Mona Lisa" (George Steinbrenner)

Ox Eyes (Ojos de Buey) or Eggs in Hell (Eggs in Purgatory)

Oxford English Dictionary "Big Apple" definition (September 2008)

"Oxygen and Magnesium walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Oxygin (oxygen + gin)

Oysgezoomt

Oyster and Artichoke Soup (Artichoke and Oyster Soup)

Oyster Bar

"Oyster crackers are like animal crackers of the sea"

"Oyster crackers are technically animal crackers"

"Oyster crackers are the worst of all the animal crackers"

"Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms"

Oyster Nachos

Oyster Pan Roast

Oyster Stew (Christmas Eve Oyster Stew)

Oysters Bienville

Oysters Bienville

"Oysters have always been on my shuck-it list"

Oysters Rockefeller

Oysters Rockefeller

Oysters Suzette

Oysters Suzette

Oysters Texasfeller

Oz Prize or Ozzie (Asia Society journalism award)

Ozone Parker (inhabitant of Ozone Park, Queens)

P-Town (Portland nickname)

P-ville (Pflugerville nickname)

"Pace makes the race" (horse racing adage)

Pachanga (Pachanga Politics)

Pacific Wonderland (Oregon slogan)

"Pack your patience"

"Packed like sardines"

Pad Thai (Phad Thai)

Paddy's Market (formerly of Ninth Avenue)

Page Fix or Page Sick (Page Six nicknames)

Page Six

"Paging Donner party of six" (restaurant joke)

"Paid all my bills for the month. Does anyone have any good recipes with water?"

"Paid my bills for the month. Anyone have any good recipes for water?"

"Paid my rent, now I have a place to starve"

"Paid the rent. Now I got a place to starve to death"

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

"Pain is temporary, film is forever" (film adage)

"Pain is temporary, pride is forever" (sports and exercise adage)

"Pain is weakness leaving the body" (exercise adage)

"Pain makes you stronger; fear makes you braver; heartbreak makes you wiser"

Pain Trade

Paint the Town (NYC & Company)

"Paint the town red"

Painted Desert Soup (black bean soup + corn chile chowder)

"Pair off in threes"

"Pairing wine is easy. Me + a glass of wine = a pair"

Pajama Trader

"Pakistanis can't play soccer well because every time they get a corner, they open a shop"

"Pakistanis can't play soccer well because every time they get a corner, they open a shop"

PAL (Police Athletic League)

Palace Beach (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Palace Beach (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Palanca ("lever" or straight-ticket votiing)

Palermo Pizza (Palermo Slice)

"Palestine will be free from the river to the sea"

Palestinian (inhabitant of Palestine, Texas)

Paleta (Mexican popsicle)

"Pallbearers are technically dead lifters"

"Pallbearers are the ultimate dead-lifters"

Pambazo (bread and sandwich)

Pan de Campo (State Bread)

Pan de Huevo (Mexican egg bread)

Pan de Polvo or Polvoron/Polvorones (Mexican Wedding Cookies)

Pan Dulce (Mexican Sweet Bread)

"Pan pizza implies the existence of bi pizza"

"Pan pizza implies the existence of straight and gay pizza"

Pancake Capital of Texas (Hawkins nickname)

"Pancake Day really crêped up on us"

"Pancake jokes are for tossers"

"Pancakes are just boneless waffles"

"Pancakes are just morning pizzas"

"Pancakes are my alter-Eggo"

Pancakes in the Park

Panchos

Panda Paws (ice cream)

"Pandas are living proof that you can be fat just by eating salad"

Pandejo (pandemia/pandemic + pendejo)

"Pandemic jokes are only funny if everyone gets it"

"Pandemic jokes are the funniest because everyone gets it"

Pandemic of the Injected

Pandemic of the Unvaccinated

Pandemicrat (pandemic + bureaucrat)

Pandemocrat (pandemic + Democrat)

Pander Bear (pander + panda bear)

Pandowdy (Pan-dowdy; Pan Dowdy; Apple Dowdy)

Panhandle Hook (or Texas Hooker)

Panic Beach or Panic Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, opposite Palace Theatre)

Panic Beach or Panic Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

"Panic buying ice cream & tinned fruit? Are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes?"

Panic City

Panic Saturday or Super Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)

Panicdemic (panic + pandemic)

Panini (sandwich)

Panko Chicken

Panquake (pan/pancake + earthquake)

Pansy

Panther City (Fort Worth nickname)

Pantondo

Panuchos

Panzarotti (Panzerotti)

Pap Schmear (papaya cream cheese spread)

Pap Schmear (paprika cream cheese spread)

"Pap Shmear, one of the lesser known bagel toppings in New York"

Papa Has Dough ("Ph.D" backronym)

Papaya & Hot Dogs ("Tastier Than Filet Mignon")

"Papayas imply the existence of mamayas"

"Paper currencies don’t float, they just sink at different rates"

Paper Cut Finder (hand sanitizer)

"Paper is not money. It's fraud"

"Paper money is cold hard cash. A credit/debit card is hold card cash"

"Paper or plastic?"/"Either. I'm bisacksual."

"Paper or plastic?"/"Either. I'm bisacktual."

"Paper or plastic for my French bread? I don't care. Just baguette"

"Paper straws that come in a plastic wrapper are canceling itself out"

Paperati (paper + -ati)

Paperbug or Paper Bug (paper money enthusiast)

"Paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues"

"Papers, please!" (regulations requiring identification)

Parabuilding

Paradise in the Pines (Crockett slogan)

Paralegal

Paramount Issue

"Paranoia has reached absurd stages. I sneezed on my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan"

Parasitocracy (parasite + -cracy)

"Paratha rolls not gender roles"

"Parboiled: Playing a round of golf on a very hot and humid day"

"Pardon the weeds. I'm feeding the bees"

"Pardon the weeds. We are feeding the bees"

"Parenting with fruit snacks: little bags of shut the hell up"

Parents' Liberation Day (first day of school)

"Parents spend 10-20 years making you eat vegetables,. Then when you go vegan, they freak out"

Pareve (Parve)

Paris of America (New Orleans nickname)

Paris on the Prairie (Chicago nickname)

Paris Texas Platter (migas + French toast)

Parisian (inhabitant of Paris, Texas)

Park and Bark (singing with limited theatrical movement)

Park Avenuer (wealthy/snobby person who lives on Park Avenue)

Park Avenuer (wealthy/snobby person who lives on Park Avenue)

Park Bench Statesman (Park Bench Philosopher)

Park in the Sky (High Line)

Park Rowgue (Park Row + rogue)

Park Sloper (inhabitant of Park Slope, Brooklyn)

Parkie (resident of Park Cities of Highland Park/University Park)

Parkie/Parky

"Parking a single car doesn’t require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot"

"Parking -- an average sovereign"

Parking and Barking (singing with limited theatrical movement)

"Parking assumes the existence of a parqueen"

Parking Card

"Parking garages are hotels for cars" ("Hotel for Autos")

"Parking is for eating customers only" (restaurant sign)

"Parking is such street sorrow"

"Where else can I park in New York City for two weeks for under $20?" (parking joke)

Parklet

Parkwanus (Park Slope + Gowanus)

Parkway

Parlor City (Bluffton, Indiana nickname)

Parlor City (Cedar Rapids, Iowa nickname)

Parlor City (Monroe, Louisiana nickname)

Parm (parmigiana)

"Parmesan cheese is just milk jerky"

"Parsley has pointed leaves; cilantro has curved leaves"

Parsons Table

Parthenon of Cast Iron (Haughwout Building)

Parthenon of Wall Street (Federal Hall National Memorial)

Partner; Pardner; Podner; Pard

"'Party Animals' know when the liquor stores close. Alcoholics know when the liquor stores open"

"Party down"

"Party hearty"

"Party instructions: Walk in. Eat as much as you can. Walk out"

"Party of 'no'" (opposition party)

Party of Paychecks (Republican party slogan)

Party of the Year (Met Gala nickname)

"Party on"

Party Pooper

Pasadenan (inhabitant of Pasadena)

Pass Over Opportunity Repeatedly ("poor" backronym)

"Pass the buck" (avoid responsibility)

"Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York?" (joke)

"Passenger with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Passports: When the government takes your right to travel and then sells it back to you"

"Past performance is no guarantee of future results" (investment adage)

Past Tense Media

"Pasta chefs are worth every penne"

Pasta e Fagioli ("Pasta Fazool")

"Pasta is worth every penne"

Pasta Primavera (Spaghetti Primavera)

Pastrami

"Pastrami implies the existence of presentrami and futurami"

"Pastrami implies the existence of presentrami and futurerami"

"Pastrami is known as presentrami when it's made and futurerami when they plan on making it"

Pastranomi (pastrami + astronomy)

Pastranomy (pastrami + astronomy)

"Pastranomy: the study of meats cured by moonlight"

Pastronomi (pastrami + astronomy)

Pastronomy (pastrami + astronomy)

Pastryarchy (pastry + patriarchy)

Pasture Pickles (jalapeño & cheese stuffed steak fingers)

PATH (Port Authority Trans-Hudson); THE (Trans-Hudson Express tunnel)

Pathocracy (Pathocrat)

"Patience is the ability to count down before blasting off"

"Patience is the ability to count down before you blast off"

"Patience is the ability to count down before you blast off"

"Patience is what you have when there are too many witnesses"

"Patience precedes profits" or "Patience precedes prosperity" (Wall Street adage)

Patio Beer

Patio Pounder (wine)

"Patriot is my preferred pronoun"

Patriotard (patriot + retard)

Patriotic Millionaire

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it"

Patrolio (NY Fire Patrol)

Patty (Hamburger Patty)

Paul and Paulette Revere (names for patriots)

"Pavlov walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Pawnography (chess pawn + pornography)

Pay-and-Display

Pay Every Penny to Save Israel (false Pepsi etymology)

"Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones"

"Pay the farmer now or pay pharma later"

"Pay the farmer or pay the doctor"

Pay-to-Pray (Sunday parking meter regulations)

Pay-What-You-Want (Pay-As-You-Wish)

"Paychecks and weekends have a lot in common. They are short and don't last long enough"

PAYGO or PAYG (pay-as-you-go)

"Paying more taxes to the government will not change the weather"

"Paying rent is like hitting the snooze button on being homeless"

"Paying taxes in America is like having an indefinite car payment on a car that won't run"

"Paying taxes to a corrupt government is not patriotic. It is slavery"

"Paying taxes to a corrupt government isn't patriotism. It's slavery"

PayPutz (PayPal nickname)

PDX (Portland nickname)

"PE doesn't stand for physical education, it stands for public embarrassment"

"PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net."

"PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net."

"PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net."

Pea-pickin' Minute (Pea-picking Minute)

"Pea soup and jonnycake make a Frenchman's belly ache"

"Peace and justice are two sides of the same coin"

"Peace begins when the hungry are fed, and the future begins when the hungry are educated"

Peace Dividend

"Peace is that brief, glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading"

"Peace, love and candy"

"Peace, Love and Crabs" (Joe's Crab Shack)

"Peace, love & happy hour"

Peace Pentagon (339 Lafayette Street)

"Peace through strength"

"Peace Through Understanding" (1964 New York World's Fair)

Peacemaker (Colt revolver)

Peacemaker or La Mediatrice (oyster loaf)

Peacenik

Peach Capital of Texas (Parker County nickname)

Peach Melba (Pêche Melba)

Peach Puzzle

Peaches and Cream

"Peaches and gravy" (peaches and cream + gravy)

"Peaches are just fuzzy nectarines"

"Peaches are just hairy nectarines"

"Peaches are just suede nectarines"

"Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. When they got her back, she was an ape re-caught"

Peacock Alley

Peacock Network (NBC)

Peakist

Peanut Brittle

Peanut Brutal (peanut brittle joke)

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich (The Elvis; Velvet Elvis; Elvis Sandwich)

"Peanut butter implies the existence of peanut bread"

"Peanut butter implies the existence of peanut butt and peanut buttest"

"Peanut butter implies the existence of peanut cheese"

"Peanut butter implies the existence of peanut margarine"

"Peanut butter implies the existence of peanut milk"

"Peanut butter implies the surprising existence of I Can't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter"

"Peanut butter is America's hummus"

"Peanut butter is the American hummus"

Peanut Gallery

Peanut Sticks (Peanut Stix)

"Peanuts being legumes, peanut butter is technically bean dip"

Peanutzi or Peanazi (peanut + Nazi)

Pearl Diver (a person who washes dishes)

Pearl of the Prairie (El Campo nickname)

Pearl (Parks Department squirrel mascot)

Pecan Capital of the World (San Saba); World's Largest Pecan (Seguin)

Pecos Bill (legendary superhuman cowboy)

Pecos Cantaloupe

Pecosin' (Pecosing) & Pecos Swap

Pecosite (inhabitant of Pecos)

Pedernales River Chili (LBJ recipe)

Pedestal Complex (Hall of Fame obsession)

Pedestrian Manager

Pedlock (pedestrian + gridlock)

Peel Noodles or Knife-Cut Noodles or Knife-Sliced Noodles (Dao-xaio-mian)

"Peel the sticker off a banana and put it on your forehead"

"Peeling a fruit is like unwrapping a gift from the earth"

"Peer pressure as an adult is seeing your neighbor mow their lawn"

Peking Ravioli (Chinese dumplings)

Pelado

Pellizcada ("pinched" tortilla appetizer)

"Penguin at the Big Apple" (instrumental song by The Trammps, 1972)

"Penguin at the Big Apple" (instrumental song by The Trammps, 1972)

Penguine or Penguini (penguin pasta)

Penguini or Penguine (penguin pasta)

Penis Motel & "So Close Yet So Far Out" (Austin Motel)

"PENNSYLVANIA 6-5000" (1940)

Pennsylvania: Keystone State (nickname)

Pennsylvania: "Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh at the ends, Alabama in between"

Pennsylvania: "Where do pencils come from?"/"Pencil-vania."

Pennsylvania: "Where do pencils come from?"/"Pennsylvania."

Penny Lick

Penny-Pinching (Penny-Pincher)

Pentagram (Pentagon nickname)

"People are dying to get in" (cemetery joke)

"People are fed by the food industry, which pays no attention to health"

"People are getting smarter nowadays, letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide"

"People are hired for their talents and fired for their behavior"

"People are like Oreos. The good stuff is on the inside"

"People are like tacos. The good stuff is on the inside"

"People are panicking and already trading sex for food. It's crazy. Anyways I got a Klondike bar"

"People are panicking and already trading sex for food. It's crazy. Anyways I got tacos"

"People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones"

"People are putting names on food in the company fridge" (joke)

"People associate wearing glasses with being smart, but you have to fail a test to get them"

"People bad mouth lotteries but everyone pays taxes and odds of winning the lottery..."

"People Be Flyin Home From Work Like They Gone B Late For The House Or Sumn??"

"People buy from people they like" (business adage)

"People can get away with putting out empty candy bowls on Halloween with 'take one' signs"

"People can not be trusted to govern themselves, but people can be trusted to govern others"

"People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents"

"People couldn't start a conversation if the weather didn't change"

"People crying about stepping on Legos have never heard of Jacks!"

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"

"People don't give to causes; people give to people with causes"

"People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar"

"People don't think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew"

"People don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth"

"People eat meat and think they will become as strong as an ox, forgetting that the ox eats grass"

People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA parody/nickname)

"People end up a skunk, monk, drunk, chunk, or hunk" (State Department saying)

"People fear what they don’t understand and hate what they can’t conquer"

"People first, then money, then things"

"People get hired for what they know and fired for who they are"

"People getting off house arrest now must really be pissed off" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

"People give their lives just so that a few fat cats can make a killing"

"People go to a restaurant for the food, but come back for the service"

"People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens"

"People have become so brainwashed that they think health comes from masks and needles"

"People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avocado"

"People like hard work when they are paying someone else to do it"

"People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do"

"People must not cough near you, they must cough far away..." ("far cough")

"People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see the band 'Parking Violation'"

"People never tell you when it's their first rodeo, but are eager to inform you when it's not"

"People not liking you isn't oppression"

"People of quality do not fear equality"

"People of quality don't fear equality"

"People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor. Well, to cut a long story short"

"People often say 'icy' is the easiest word to spell and, looking at it now, I see why"

"People often say that motivation doesn't last -- well, neither does bathing"

"People peel the stickers off of bananas despite the peel not being eaten"

"People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it"

"People say elevator music is boring. It's actually very next-level"

"People say laughter is the best medicine, but I think a big bottle of wine is the way to go"

"People say that money is not the key to happiness..."

"People say time is money. Well, I don't buy that for a second"

"People say your senior year flies. I just didn’t realize it would Zoom" (Class of 2020 joke)

"People scared of being fat are running from their fears"

"People sometimes call someone with glasses a nerd, yet you have to fail a test to get them"

"People tell me that my grammar stinks. What do they expect? She's 85!"

"People think grass don’t be wet in the morning, but it dew"

"People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all"

"People think of education as something they can finish"

"People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event"

"People used to cough to cover up a fart. Now they fart to cover up a cough!" (virus joke)

"People vote their resentment, not their appreciation"

"People who are enjoying lockdown have 'stuck home' syndrome"

"People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove"

"People who aren't nice to waiters aren't nice people"

"People who argue over the price of bread in a kosher bakery are challah-cost deniers"

"People who back into parking spots are show-offs"

"People who back into parking spots just want attention"

"People who boast about how good they are at yoga can go fuck themselves"

"People who buy sex dolls are fucking dummies"

"People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women"

"People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it"

"People who do yoga can go fuck themselves"

"People who don't drink alcohol, why?"

"People who don't have tattoos have a right to bare arms"

"People who drive like hell are bound to get there"

"People who eat Twizzlers scare me. Like you’re really just sitting there enjoying flavored HDMI"

"People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym"

"People who haven't pooped yet today, why are you still holding on to last year's shit?"

"People who help you find what you're looking for at liquor stores should be called 'spirit guides'"

"People who invented internet never would have gotten around to doing it if they’d had internet"

"People who like bubble tea suck balls"

"People who like to drink know when liquor stores close. Alcoholics know when liquor stores open"

"People who live in glass houses should take out insurance"

"People who love to eat are always the best people" (Julia Child)

"People who need leaders aren't fit to choose them"

"People who pay, pay attention"

"People who say fractions are better than decimals are missing the point"

"People who say 'good morning' should be forced to prove it"

"People who say 'the system works' work for the system"

"People who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don't know what to do with them in the bed"

"People who stay in the car to listen to music a little bit longer are my kind of people"

"People who tell you the truth are trying to free you from a prison you don't even know you're in"

"People who think by the inch and talk by the yard deserve to be kicked by the foot"

"People who think that Canadians are more polite have never been to a minor league hockey game"

"People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill"

"People who use public phone boxes are either buying drugs or having an affair"

"People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves"

"People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it"

"People who used to be late and blamed it on traffic are still late to their Zoom meetings"

"People who walk fast are beyond me"

"People will believe anything they read on the internet as long as you write it next to a picture"

"People will get mad at you for speaking the truth rather than being mad at the people who lied"

"People with air fryers: What does fried air taste like?"

"People with ???????????????????? ???????????????? still have ocean eyes. It's just Galveston water"

"People would take 'brownie points' more seriously if they resulted in actual brownies"

"People wouldn't be as eager to eat chicken breast if chickens had nipples"

People's Beach (Jacob Riis Park)

People's House (Gracie Mansion)

People's Microphone or People's Mic/Mike (using voices for amplified sound)

People's News Network (Twitter nickname)

People's Opera (New York City Opera)

People's Palace (NYPL Stephen A. Schwarzman Building)

People's Republic of Park Slope (Park Slope)

People's Republic of Portland (Portland nickname)

People's Roadway (Queensboro Bridge bike and pedestrian path)

PEOTUS (President-Elect Of The United States)

Pepperennui (pepper/pepperoni + ennui)

"Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow"

Pepperoni Pizza (pizza with pepperoni)

"Pepperoni pizza is just a baked charcuterie board"

"Pepperoni pizza is technically charcuterie"

"Pepsi & Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together...and you want world peace"

"Pepsi-Cola hits the spot. Twelve full ounces, that's a lot" (jingle)

"'Per my last email' is office speak for 'bitch can you read'"

"Perception is everything (in politics)"

Percolatory (percolate + circulatory system)

Percolatory (percolate + Purgatory)

"Percolatory -- the time between when you wake up and when the coffee's ready"

"Perfect has seven letters. So does foooood. Coincidence? I think not"

Perfect Manhattan (cocktail)

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence"

"Performing since the Dead Sea was only sick" (a long time)

Perhaps I Arrive (Pakistan International Airlines or PIA backronymic nickname)

"Perhaps the greatest mistake made in American history was allowing government to educate"

"Perhaps the greatest mistake made in American history was in allowing government to educate"

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down"

Perkatory (percolate + purgatory)

Permabear (Perma-bear)

Permabull (Perma-bull)

Permanent Head Damage ("Ph.D." backronym)

Permawrong (Permaright)

"Permit me to issue and control the money of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws"

Permitorium or Permatorium (permit + moratorium)

Perp Walk

Perrymander or Perrymandering (Governor Rick Perry + gerrymander/gerrymandering)

"Perseverance and sweet oil"

Persiastroika (Persia + perestroika)

"Persist Until Success Happens" ("push" backronym)

"Persistent practice of postural principles promises perfection" (ballroom dancing adage)

"Person with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Personal liberty is the greater good"

"Personnel is policy"

Pervertico (Politico nickname)

"Pessimism never won any battle"

"Pesto is just Italian guacamole"

Pet Bank

Pet Cat (underrated football player)

Pet Rock (gold nickname)

Petco Park East or Petco East (Citi Field nickname)

Peter Funk

Peter Pan Economics (Peter Pan Economy)

Petro Metro (Houston nickname)

Petrodollar

Petrogold

"Petroleum jelly implies the existence of petroleum peanut butter"

Petroplex (Midland/Odessa nickname)

Pfatality (Pfizer + fatality)

Pfertility (Pfizer + fertility)

Pfizer Flop

Pfizer Pflop

Pflugervillian (inhabitant of Pflugerville)

Pfuckoff (Pfizer + fuck off)

"Pharma funds the media. The media funds your fears. Your fears fund your disease..."

Pharmafia (pharmaceutical company + mafia)

Pharmageddon (pharmaceutical + Armageddon)

"Pheidippides walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Philanthrocapitalism (philanthropy + capitalism); Philanthrocapitalist

Philanthropreneur (philanthropist + entrepreneur)

"Philosophies are questions that may never be answered. Religions are answers..."

"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may not be questioned"

"Philosophy majors ask why you want fries with that"

"Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie"

Phoenix Bun (Liu Sha Bao or Liu Sa Bao; Chinese salted duck egg custard steamed bun)

Phogeddaboudit (pho + fuhgeddaboudit)

"Phoney as a three-dollar bill" ("Queer as a three-dollar bill")

Phony Fake Show

Phorrito (pho + burrito)

"Photographers are violent people. First they frame you, then they shoot you"

Photoplay

Physics for Poets (a science course for non-scientists)

Phyz or Phyzz (physical asset)

"Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math"

Piano District (Mott Haven, Bronx)

"Pibb Xtra is a poor man's Dr Pepper"

Picadillo

Picasso Alley (hallway at Four Seasons restaurant)

"Pick your poison" ("Choose your poison")

"Picking up nickels in front of a steamroller"

Pickle Alley (Essex Street)

Pickle Boat

Pickle Factory (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"Pickle juice isn't juiced pickles"

Pickleback (whiskey and pickle brine)

Pickles and Ice Cream

"Pickles are just goth cucumbers"

"Pickpocket: that little pocket inside the right pocket on jeans that you put guitar picks in"

"Pickup line to use at the hairdresser: 'So, do you comb hair often?'"

Pico de gallo

"Pico de gallo is just guacamole without avocado"

Pie Car

"Pie in the sky"

Pie-Off

Pie-oneer (pie + pioneer)

"Pie rates of Penn's aunts" (pun)

"Pie rates of Penn's aunts" (pun)

"Pie rates of the Caribbean" (pun)

Piecaken (pie + cake + turducken)

"Piece of cake"

Piedras (Mexican pastry "rocks" or "stones")

"Pierogies are just European gyoza"

"Pierogies are just Polish gyoza"

"Pierogies are just potato raviolis"

"Pierogis are just mashed potato ravioli"

"Pierogis are just Polish gyozas"

Pig Pickin' Cake

"Pig through the python" ("Pig in a python")

Pig Wings (Pork Wings; Hog Wings)

Pigeon Chess ("like playing chess with a pigeon")

"Pigeon government overthrown. There's been a coo"

Pigeons (New York City Football Club or NYCFC nickname)

Piggy Bank

"Pigs can fly...They just gotta pay for two seats"

PIIGS (Portugal + Italy + Ireland + Greece + Spain)

"Pilates? I thought you said pie and lattes"

"Pilates? I thought you said pie and lattes"

"Pile it high and watch it fly" (merchandising adage)

Piled Higher and Deeper ("Ph.D." backronym)

Pilgrim

Pilgrim (sandwich of Thanksgiving leftovers)

"Pillsbury Doughboy: Roll model or son of a biscuit?"

Piloncillo (Mexican Brown Sugar)

Pimp Steak (hot dog)

PIMPCO (PIMCO nickname)

"Pinch an inch" ("pinch test" fat measure)

"Pinch the tail and suck the head" or "Suck the head and pinch the tail" (crawfish eating)

Pine Curtain

"Pineapple on pizza is like the country music of pizza"

Pingdemic (ping + pandemic)

Pink Lemonade

Pink Line (pink + red line)

Pink Ribbon Bagel

Pink Slime

Pink Slip

Pink Tax (Woman Tax)

Pinky Friedman (pink cocktail named after Kinky Friedman)

PINO (Patriot In Name Only; Progressive In Name Only)

Pinot Moir or Pinot Moor or Pinot More (pronounced "pee no more")

Pinot Moor or Pinot Moir or Pinot More (pronounced "pee no more")

Pinot More or Pinot Moir or Pinot Moor (pronounced "pee no more")

Pinstripe Bowl

Pinstripers (Yankees, from their pinstripe uniforms)

"Pinterest is Instagram for moms"

"Pinterest is just adult tumblr"

"Pinterest is just We Heart It for adults"

"Pinterest is just We Heart It for moms"

"Pinterest is like fantasy football for girls"

Pinto Bean

"Pioneers take the arrows"

Pipa Tofu (Pei Pa Tofu)

Pipe Dream

Pipe Layer

Pipelineistan (pipeline + -istan)

Piragua (Puerto Rican snow cone)

"Piss on the fire and call in the dogs"

"Pistachios are little vegan clams"

"Pistachios are just land mussels"

"Pistachios are just tree mussels"

"Pistachios are land clams"

"Pistachios are the mussels of the nut world"

"Pistachios are the rich man's sunflower seeds"

"Pistachios are vegan mussels"

"Pistachios are vegetarian mussels"

Pistol (Carnegie Deli); LEO (Stage Deli)

Pistolette or Pistolet (French roll for Cajun sandwich)

Pitchforks and Torches (an angry mob or electorate)

Pitmaster (Pit Master)

PITS (Philippines + Indonesia + Thailand + Singapore)

Pittsburgh Rare

Pittsburgh Salad (with french fries)

Pizza

"Pizza alone won’t fill the emptiness of your soul. You’ll also need beer"

Pizza Americana (pizza topped with hot dogs and french fries)

Pizza Bagel

Pizza Bone

Pizza Connection or Pizza Principle (price of the subway vs. price of a slice of pizza)

"Pizza crust is just bread jerky"

"Pizza crusts are just free breadsticks"

"Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens"

Pizza Face (Pizzaface)

"Pizza is a pie chart that updates in real time showing how much pizza you have left"

"Pizza is healthier than crystal meth"

"Pizza is just a plate of food where you can eat the plate, too"

"Pizza is just an unfolded Italian burrito"

"Pizza is like sex" (Goldberg Pizzeria axiom)

"Pizza is the most important meal of the day"

"Pizza is the only love triangle I ever want"

Pizza Logs & Apple Pie Logs

Pizza Margherita (Pizza Margarita)

Pizza Phone (hotel phone button to order pizza)

"Pizza pockets imply the existence of pizza pants"

Pizza Rat

"Pizza rolls are just mini calzones"

"Pizza rolls are the Italian version of Fruit Gushers"

"Pizza rolls not gender roles"

Pizza Slice Joke ("Make six slices, I can't eat eight")

Pizza Slut (Pizza Hut nickname)

"Pizza sticks imply the existence of pizza trees"

"Pizza: The edible pie chart"

"Pizza topping implies the existence of pizza bottoming"

"Pizza toppings imply the existence of pizza bottomings"

Pizza Tumor

Pizza Upskirt (Pizza Undercarriage)

Pizzadilla (pizza + quesadilla)

Pizzaflation (pizza + inflation)

Pizzaflation (pizza + inflation)

Pizzagiana (pizza + parmigiana)

"Pizzas are cylinders, not circles"

"Pizzas are just flat tacos"

Pizzeria

Placardization

Plain Jane

"Plain M&M's are a poor man's Smarties"

Plain Vanilla (simple financial tools and methods)

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow"

"Plan your dive and dive your plan" (scuba diving adage)

"Plan your trade and trade your plan" (Wall Street adage)

"Plan your work and work your plan"

Plandemic (planned + pandemic)

Plandemic (plans + pandemic)

Plandid (planned + candid)

Plane Always Late (Philippine Airlines or PAL backronymic nickname)

Planet Albany

Planet Hollywood

"Planks for the skanks" (weightlifting saying)

Planned Barrenhood (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Planned Butcherhood (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Planned Frankenhood (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Planned-opolis (planned metropolis)

Planned Predators (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Plannedemic (planned + pandemic)

"Planners are a funny lot. They carry neither sword nor pistol..."

Plano Princess

Planoite (inhabitant of Plano)

"Plant-based beer implies the existence of plant-cringe beer"

"Plant-based burgers imply the existence of plant-cringe burgers"

"Plant-based diets imply the existence of plant-cringe diets"

"Plant-based food implies the existence of plant-cringe food"

"Plant-based implies the existence of meat-cringe"

"Plant-based implies the existence of plant-cringe"

"Plant-based mayonnaise implies the existence of plant-cringe mayonnaise"

"Plant-based meat implies the existence of plant-cringe meat"

"Plant-based meat substitutes imply the existence of plant-cringe meat substitutes"

"Plant-based meatballs imply the existence of plant-cringe meatballs"

"Plant-based milk implies the existence of plant-cringe milk"

"Plant-based nuggets imply the existence of plant-cringe nuggets"

"Plant-based pepperoni implies the existence of plant-cringe pepperoni"

"Plant-based protein implies the existence of plant-cringe protein"

"Plant-based sausages imply the existence of plant-cringe sausages"

"Plant-based snacks imply the existence of plant-cringe snacks"

"Plant pears for your heirs" (farming adage)

"Plants really be like 'I do not vibe wit dis dirt' and die"

"Plants really be like 'I'm not feeling dis dirt' and die"

"Plants rlly b like ‘I do not vibe with this dirt’ and die"

"Plastic bags are the tumbleweeds of New York City"

Plastic Banana

Plattsburgh: Michigan Hot Dog

Plattsburgh: Montreal's U.S. Airport (Plattsburgh International Airport nickname)

Prattsville: New York's Mount Rushmore (nickname)

"Play ball!" (baseball starting call)

"Play building and loan" (joke)

"Play for the name on the front of the jersey, not on the back"

"Play like a champion; train like an underdog"

"Play like you're in first; train like you're in second"

"Play me or trade me"

Play Street

"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"

"Play the ball and don't let the ball play you" (baseball adage)

"Play west of the Hudson (River)"

Playcation (play + vacatinn)

"Players win games and coaches lose them"

Playground of the Southwest (Galveston nickname)

"Playing golf is like playing fetch with yourself"

"Plays aren't written, they're rewritten" (theatre adage)

Plaza District

"Please be patient. I'm screwing things up as fast as I can"

"Please be patient with me. I'm from the 1900s"

"Please be patient with the bartender. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time"

"Please bring me a screwdriver."/"Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?"

"Please do not shoot the piano player. He is doing his best"

"Please don’t hate me because I’m unvaccinated. I was born that way"

"Please don't hit me. I don't know how insurance works" (bumper sticker)

"Please don't hit me. I'm not 100% sure about my coverage" (bumper sticker)

"Please don't park too close. I'm fat" (bumper sticker)

"Please don't throw your cigarette ends on the floor. The cockroaches are getting cancer"

"Please drink responsibly, but tip recklessly"

"Please Eat The Activist" (PETA backronym)

"Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" (PEMDAS math mnemonic)

"Please help me I'm trapped. In a Haiku factory. Save me before they"

Please Inform Allah (Pakistan International Airlines or PIA backronymic nickname)

"Please let me merge before I start crying" (bumper sticker)

"Please send an ambulance to 28 Eucalyptus Street" (joke)

"Please stand here until you realize your government is brainwashing you" (floor sticker)

"Please stop calling them Boomers. The proper term is CAPS LOCK-AMERICAN"

"Please stop making new flavors of Coca-cola. Either put the cocaine back or leave it alone"

"Please stop the hate on the lazy people. They didn’t do anything at all"

"Please wait here until you realize your government is brainwashing you" (floor sticker)

"Pledging allegiance to a flag is like reciting a love poem to a sock"

PLG or Prospect Lefferts Gardens (Prospect Park + Lefferts Manor + Brooklyn Botanic Garden)

PLINO (Pro-Life In Name Only)

PLT (plant, lettuce and tomato)

"Plumbers sing in a faucetto"

"P.M.A. (Positive Mental Attitude) -- I'm positive, I'm mental and I know I have attitude!"

PMS Pizza (pepperoni, mushrooms and sausage)

PMSNBC or PMS-NBC (MSNBC nickname)

PMSNBC or PMS-NBC (MSNBC nickname)

Po' Boy or Poor Boy (sandwich)

Pocho & Pochismo

Pocket City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

Pocketbook Issue

Poetry in Motion

"Poetry is proof that rhyme doesn't pay"

Poet's Building (437 East 12th Street)

POETS Day (Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday)

Pogey Bait

Pointy Boots

Poison Pill

"Poisoned coffee, n: Grounds for divorce"

Poke Test or Finger Test (rule for cooking meat)

Poker (card game)

Pok?rrito (pok? + burrito)

Pokey Award

Polar Bears

Pole Tax (homophone of "poll tax")

Pole Tax (homophone of “poll tax")

"Pole vaulting is just reverse limbo"

"Pole vaulting is the opposite of limbo"

"Police are a fraternity, fire personnel are a brotherhood, and EMTs are family"

"Police are hunting a knitting needle murderer. They think he’s following some sort of pattern"

"Police are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog"

"Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence"

"Police jokes just aren't funny. Give it arrest"

"Police: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest"

"Policy follows the money"

Polidiot (politics + idiot)

Poligarchy (political + oligarchy); Poligarch

Poligion (politics + religion)

"Polish by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Polish Tea Room (Cafe Edison at Hotel Edison)

"Politeness never defeated an existential threat"

"Political campaign: a matter of mud, threat, and smears"

"Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners"

"Political correctness is tyranny with a happy face"

Political Football

Political Pundit (Punditry)

Political Row (East 7th Street, between Avenues C and D)

Political Row (East 7th Street, between Avenues C and D)

Political Suicide

"Politician -- One who shakes your hand before election and your confidence after"

"Politician -- One who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for"

"Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason"

"Politicians and nappies should be changed often, and for the same reason"

"Politicians and roosters crow about what they intend to do. Roosters deliver"

"Politicians are interested in people; fleas are interested in dogs"

"Politicians are the lowest form of life on earth"

"Politicians forget they've been appointed and think they've been anointed"

"Politicians haven’t been tarred and feathered in a while and it shows"

"Politicians like to cut ribbons, but they don't like to sweep brooms"

"Politicians, old buildings and prostitutes become respectable with age"

"Politician's Polka -- one step forward, two steps back, and sidestep the issue"

"Politicians prefer unarmed peasants"

"Politicians: Scrape shit from boots before entering" (sign)

"Politicians see the light when they feel the heat"

"Politicians should wear Nascar-like uniforms to show their sponsors"

"Politicians use statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts -- for support, not illumination"

"Politicians who complain about the press are like sailors complaining about the sea"

"Politics ain't beanbag"

"Politics and crime are the same thing"

"Politics and crime, they're the same thing"

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows -- marriage does"

"Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money even to get beat with"

"Politics is a contact sport" ("Democracy is a contact sport")

"Politics is downstream from culture"

"Politics is like football. You must be smart enough to play, dumb enough to think it's important"

"Politics is show business for ugly people"

"Politics is simply theatre for the slave class"

"Politics is the art of making your selfish desires seem like the national interest"

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble..."

"Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant"

"Politics is the art of taking money from the few and votes from the many"

"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich"

"Politics is the use of others in the service of self-interest..."

"Politics is the world's second oldest profession"

"Politics is too important to be left to the politicians"

"Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed"

"Politics makes strange bedfellows"

Politics of Grievance

Politics of Personal Destruction

Politics of Respectability

"Politics ruin everything"

"Politics ruins everything"

"Politics stops at the water's edge"

"Politics: the art of using euphemisms, lies, emotionalism and fear-mongering to dupe average people..."

PolitiFarce (PolitiFact nickname)

Politiho (Politico + ho/whore)

Politiquera (campaign worker or vote broker)

Poliwood (politics + Hollywood)

"Pollen is the snow of the south"

"Polo is a passport to the world"

"Polonaise is Polish mayonnaise"

Polterheist (poltergeist + heist)

Polyester of Lettuce (iceberg lettuce nickname)

Polygummy (polygamy + gummy bear)

"Pomegranate is just inverted corn"

"Pomegranate is reverse corn"

"Pomegranate is the corn of fruit"

"Pomegranates are just inverted corn"

"Pomegranates are just reverse corn"

Ponche Navideño or Ponche de Navidad (Mexican Christmas Punch)

Ponzi Scheme

Ponzimonium (Ponzi scheme + pandemonium)

Ponzinomics (Ponzi scheme + economics)

Pooch (puchera/puchero?)

"Pool party at my house, bring the pool then leave"

"Pool party at my house. Bring your own pool"

"Poop before midnight. You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new year"

Poop (three-point shot in basketball)

Poopstock (Occupy Wall Street nickname)

Poor Boy (four lane undivided highway)

Poor Boy Sandwich (Po' Boy Sandwich)

"Poor complain about money they can't get; rich complain about money they can't keep"

Poor Door

"Poor farmers grow crops, but good farmers grow soil"

Poor, Hungry and Determined ("Ph.D." backronym)

Poor, Hungry and Driven ("Ph.D." backronym)

Poor, Hungry Doctor ("Ph.D." backronym)

Poor Little Rich Girl

Poor Man's Butter (avocado)

Poor Man's Fertilizer (snow)

Poor Man's Gold (silver nickname)

Poor Man's Harvard (CCNY nickname)

Poor Man's Lobster (monkfish)

Poor Man's Manure (snow)

Poor Man's Miami Beach (Brighton Beach)

Poor Man's Oyster (mussel; snail; clam)

Poor Man's Perrier (seltzer or club soda)

Poor Man's Riviera (Coney Island)

Poor Man's Virus (COVID-19)

"Poor New Mexico! So far from heaven and so close to Texas"

Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac (Pontiac backronymic nickname)

"Poor people are crazy; rich people are eccentric"

"Poor people pay tax. Rich people pay accountants. The super-rich pay politicians"

Poor Person's Virus (COVID-19)

"Poorly constructed burritos get a bad wrap"

"Pop. 208 Elev. 100 ft." (Burritoville)

"Pop-Tarts are breakfast ravioli"

"Pop-Tarts are just breakfast Hot Pockets"

"Pop-Tarts are the poor man's Toaster Strudel"

Pop-Up Bar

Pop-Up Café

Pop-Up Hotel

Pop-Up Restaurant

Popcorn at the movies

Popcorn Chicken

"Popcorn implies the existence of momcorn"

"Popcorn is a sponge that feeds you butter"

"Popcorn is a steamed vegetable"

"Popcorn is a vegetable"

"Popcorn is just a vehicle for butter and salt"

"Popcorn is just a vehicle for eating butter"

"Popcorn is probably just as unique as snowflakes"

Popcorn Tea

Pope of America (Archbishop of Archdiocese of New York)

Popera (pop/popular + opera)

Popo (Pissing Off a Police Officer?)

"Popping a cell" (Rikers slang)

Poppy Seed Dressing

"Poppy seeds are nature's glitter"

"Poppy seeds are the glitter of food"

"Poppy seeds are the glitter of the bagel world"

"Poppy seeds imply the existence of mommy seeds"

"Poppyseed is the opposite of mommyseed"

Poptail (popsicle + cocktail)

"Pop-Tarts imply the existence of Mom-Tarts"

Populist (Populism)

Porchclimbers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Pork Barrel

Pork Chopper (helicopter used for shooting hogs)

Pork Chops and Applesauce

Pork New York Chop

"Pork rinds are basically savory cotton candy"

"Pork rinds are just meat popcorn"

"Pork rinds are just meat cotton candy"

"Pork rinds are the popcorn of bacon"

"Pork rinds are the popcorn of ham"

"Pork rinds are the popcorn of the pig world"

Porkopolis (Cincinnati and Chicago nickname)

"Porktuguese is like the other Romance Languages, except that it evolved from pig Latin"

Porkulus or Porkulous; Porkapalooza; Porktastic (full of "pork barrel" spending)

"Porn gives people an unrealistic expectation of how quickly a plumber will get to your house"

"Porn in a cup" (10-shot espresso drink)

"Porn is the only industry where having sex with your coworkers is encouraged"

"Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos. It's for sick fucks"

Porno-Graphic (New York Evening Graphic nickname)

"Porsches are just spicy Volkswagens"

Port A (Port Aransas)

Port Arthuran or Port Arthurian (inhabitant of Port Arthur)

Portageville: Grand Canyon of the East (Letchworth State Park nickname)

"Porter, there's a lamb in my hotel room!"/"Sir, that's the mini baa."

Porterhouse Steak

"Portland: Where young people go to retire"

Portocrat (bureaucrat from the Port Authority)

Poshtel (posh + hostel)

"Positive anything is better than negative nothing"

Positive Attitude Changes Everything ("pace" backronym)

"Positive, Open, Friendly" (Roger Smith Hotel)

Posole (Pozole)

POSPOTUS (POS + POTUS or President Of Some People Of The United States)

Post-It Note Building (15 William Street)

"Post office implies the existence of pre office"

Post-Partisan

"Post what you want. We can delete it in the morning. -- Alcohol"

Postage Stamp Consensus

"Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as 'fake news'"

"Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news"

"Posting and toasting" (basketball terminology)

POSX (U.S. Dollar Index or USDX nickname)

Pot Princess

Pot Roast (Yankee Pot Roast)

Potachos (potato chips + nachos)

"Potato chip truck accident on the highway, expect de-Lays"

"Potato kugel is just a casserole latke"

"Potato kugel is just a giant latke"

"Potato kugel is just latke cake"

Potato Sauce or Potatosauce

Potato Skin

"Potato soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie"

Potato Sticks

Potato Wedges

"Potatoes, carrots, parsnips, turnips, beets, yams…. I’ll never forget my roots"

"Potatoes give us potato chips, French fries, and vodka"

"Potatoes make french fries, chips and vodka. It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying"

Potatoes O'Brien

Potatosauce or Potato Sauce

Potemkin Journalism (Potemkin Journalist)

"Potential is what gets coaches fired"

"Potholes in Texas will change your radio station and lock your doors"

"Potstickers are just Chinese ravioli"

Potsy

Pottery Capital of the World (Marshall nickname)

Potty Parity (Women's Restroom Equity Bill)

POTUS (President Of The United States)

Poughkeepsie: Po-Town (nickname)

Poughkeepsie: Queen City of the Hudson (nickname)

Pour le Bois (sandwich) & Pourbois (unsupported "po' boy" French etymologies)

"'Pour me,' thought the teapot"

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together"

"Poutine is healthier than crystal meth"

"Poutine is a form of potato salad"

"Poutine is just Canadian potato salad"

"Poutine is just warm potato salad"

"Poverty exists not because we cannot feed the poor, but because we cannot satisfy the rich"

"Poverty exists not because we can't feed the poor, but because we can't satisfy the rich"

Poverty Hollow

"Poverty is hereditary – you get it from your children"

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient"

Poverty Pimp (Povitician)

"Powdered drink mix is just seasoning for water"

"Powdered sugar is the glitter of baking supplies"

Power Breakfast; Power Lunch

Power Elite

"Power is the great aphrodisiac" ("Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac")

"Power is where power goes"

Power of the Purse

"Power stays with a fighter for years" (boxing adage)

Power Steak

"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does"

"Practice as if you are the worst. Play as if you are the best"

"Practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect"

"Practice media distancing"

"Practice puts brains in your muscles"

"Practice safe eating -- always use condiments"

"Practice safe six" (six feet apart social distancing)

"Practice safe text –- use commas and never miss a period"

"Practice social media distancing"

Prairie Fire (hot hors d'oeuvre)

Prairie Fire (Tabasco and tequila cocktail)

"Praise works with only three types of people; men, women and children"

"Praising the government for reopening the country is like thanking your abuser when they stop"

"Praising the government for reopening the province is like thanking your abuser when they stop"

"Praising the government for reopening your state is like thanking your abuser when they stop"

Pravda on the Hudson (New York Times nickname)

"Prawnography: (n) - a documentary on shrimp"

Prawns and Scallops in a Love Nest

"Prayer is the world's greatest wireless connection"

Prayerpalooza

"Prayers work best when you have big players"

Pre-Monday (Sunday nickname)

Pre-rich (euphemism for someone who is not rich)

"Pre-school rules and bar rules are the same. You piss your pants, you go home"

"Preach to the choir" ("Preach to the converted")

"Preheat minutes are longer than regular minutes"

"Premature treejaculation -- the act of erecting one's festive decor in any month prior to December"

Premium Support (health insurance)

Premox or POx (premature oxidation)

Prepper (disaster preparation expert)

"Preschool rules and bar rules are the same. You pee your pants, you go home"

Presidential Corridor

Press Corpse (obituary-writing press corps nickname)

Press Corpse (press corps nickname)

Press Gaggle

Presser

"Pressing the key fob once locks the car. Pressing it like eight or nine times SUPER locks it"

"Pressing the lock button on your car keys twice is essential. Just like saving your game twice"

Presstitute (press + prostitute)

"Pressure can burst a pipe or pressure can make a diamond"

"Pretend to honk if you like mimes" (bumper sticker)

"Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll"

"Pretty excited. Our loan was approved. We're closing on a full tank of gas this weekend"

Pretty Huge Debt ("Ph.D." backronym)

"Pretty please, with sugar on top"

"Pretty rude that it's not Friday, but ok"

Pretty Stupid Ass Test ("PSAT" backronym)

"Pretty sure the heat index today is somewhere between boob sweat and Satan's anus"

"Pretty weird how we are all living in a time where not going to the gym is considered healthy"

"Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after someone had just blown air from their mouth onto it"

Pretzel Burger

Pretzel Rod

Pretzel (Soft Pretzel)

"Pretzels are dough knots"

"Pretzels are just a vehicle for mustard"

Prewalking

"Price action makes market commentary"

"Price it low, watch it go; price it high, watch it die" (real estate adage)

"Prices lead fundamentals" (Wall Street adage)

Prickly Pear Cactus (official state plant)

Pride in the City (People of Color in Crisis)

Pride of Midtown (FDNY Engine 54, Ladder 4, Battalion 9, at 48th Street and Eighth Avenue)

"Primark implies the existence of Primatthew, Priluke and Prijohn"

Primenesia (Amazon Prime + amnesia)

"Primenesia (noun) -- When you order so much Amazon Prime that you don't know what's in the box"

"Princess parking only. All others will be toad"

"Pringles are the particle board of potato chips"

"Pringles are the particle board of the potato chip industry"

"Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops. We have the technology!"

"Pringles got into my carpet. It's beginning to look a lot like crisp mush"

"Print guns, not money"

Printer in Chief (Fed chairman nickname)

Printing District

"Printing will continue until freedom improves"

"Prison may be just one word. But to others, it's a whole sentence"

Prison Spread

"Prison walls are never built to scale"

Prisonville (Raymondville nickname)

"Private Parking. Unauthorized vehicles will be worked over with a sledgehammer..."

"Pro Ecclesia, Pro Texana" (Baylor University motto)

"Pro tip: If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash"

"Probe with bayonets"

"'Probiotic' sounds a lot better than 'bacteria infested'"

"Probiotics imply the existence of amateurbiotics"

"Probiotics imply the existence of casualbiotics"

"Probiotics imply the existence of conbiotics"

Problem - Reaction - Solution

"Problem with banker jokes - bankers don't think they're funny and others don't think they're jokes"

"Problem with lawyer jokes - lawyers don't think they're funny and others don't think they're jokes"

"Problem with propaganda is the past changes so quickly, you don't know what will happen yesterday"

Procaffeination (Procaffeinate; Procaffeinating)

Procaffination (Procaffinate; Procaffinating)

"Procaffinator, n., One who puts off tasks until after the first cup of coffee or tea"

Procrastidrinking (procrastinating + drinking)

"Procrastidrinking: The art of drinking instead of doing something else you should be doing"

"Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow and nothing to do today"

"Procrastination is easier done than said"

"Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried"

"Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow"

Procrasturbake (procrastinate + masturbate + bake)

Procrasturbate (procrastinate + masturbate)

ProCro (Prospect Heights + Crown Heights)

"Products are made in the factory, but brands are created in the mind"

"Professional courtesy" (lawyer joke)

Professional Homeless

Professorette

Profishional (professional + fish/fishing)

"Profit is not a four-letter word"

Profit of Doom

"Profits are an opinion, cash is a fact"

"Profits are the mother's milk of stocks"

Proglican (progressive + Republican)

"Programmer -- an organism that turns coffee into software"

"Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life"

"Progress is what happens when impossibility yields to necessity"

Progressive

Progressive Capital of the Nation (New York State nickname)

"Progressivism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

ProHo (Prospect Heights)

Project UnVeritas (Project Veritas nickname)

"Promiscuous girls are like Walmart..." (NSFW joke)

"Promises and pie crust are made to be broken"

"Promises are like crying babies in a theater. They should be carried out at once"

"Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot: It worked"

"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out"

"Proofreading is impotant"

"Proofreading is impotent"

"Propaganda isn't just about creating fake news. It's also about hiding real news"

"Propaganda works best when those who are being manipulated are confident they are acting on..."

Propagandemic (propaganda + pandemic)

Proper Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance (7 Ps)

"Proper tea is theft" (anarchist joke)

"Property Taxes: Even after you pay off the mortgage, your home will never truly be yours"

"Prophets are going through the roof" (joke)

"Pros and cons of making food: Pros=food Cons=making"

"Prosciutto implies the existence of amateursciutto"

"Prosciutto implies the existence of antisciutto"

"Prosciutto implies the existence of consciutto"

"Prosecco implies the existence of Amateursecco"

"Prosecco implies the existence of Antisecco"

"Prosecco is just Amateursecco that gets paid"

"Prospects will break your heart" (baseball adage)

"Prosperity absorbs all criticism"

"Prosperity is something created by businessmen for politicians to take credit for"

Prostitute Heights (Prospect Heights High School nickname)

"Prostitution is a hole sale business"

Prostitution Park (Crispus Attucks Park)

"Protect your bagels. Put lox on them"

"Protect your tweets from being stolen by writing really bad ones like this"

"Protected by FAFO fuck around and find out security system"

"Protected by fuck around and find out home security"

"Protected by fuck around and find out surveillance"

Protection Racket

Proud City

"Prune roses before Presidents Day and azaleas before the Fourth of July"

"Ps get degrees" (P=passing grade)

PSAL (Public Schools Athletic League)

Pseudocracy (pseudo + democracy)

"Psychopaths rely on your silence, ignorance and obedience"

Psyop-19 (psyop + COVID-19)

Ptomaine Road (Broadway, between 42nd and 49th Streets)

Pub Alley (West 38th Street)

Public Appendix (Public Advocate nickname)

Public Brainwashing Service (Public Broadcasting Service nickname)

Public Fool System (fool + public school system)

Public Fools System (fools + public schools system)

Public Health Capital of the World

"The public is right during the trends, but wrong at both ends" (Wall Street adage)

"Public school is a place of detention for children placed in the care of teachers..."

"Public schools are indoctrination camps"

"Public schools are indoctrination centers"

"Public schools are woke indoctrination camps"

"Public schools are woke indoctrination centers"

"Publicity is like poison. It doesn't hurt unless you swallow it"

Puck (flat disk used in hockey)

Puddle Pirate (Coast Guard member nickname)

Puddletown (Portland nickname)

Puerto Rican Day Parade

Puff Ho or PuffHo (Huffington Post or "HuffPo" nickname)

Puffer or Kartoffelpuffer (potato pancakes)

Puffington Host or Huffington Puffington ComPost (Huffington Post nickname)

Puffy Tacos

Puke State (Missouri nickname)

Pulaski Day Parade

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps"

Pulled Pork

"Pulled pork implies the existence of pushed pork"

"Pulled pork is just meat cotton candy"

"Pulled pork is pulled apart, therefore, sausages are pushed pork"

Pulling a (Judge) Crater ("The missingest man in New York")

Pully Bone or Pullybone (Pulley Bone or Pulleybone; Pulling Bone; Pull Bone)

Pulse Loan

PUMA (Party Unity My Ass)

Pump and Dump (stock scheme)

Pump Jack Capital of Texas (Electra nickname)

Pumpkin Capital USA (Floydada nickname)

Pumpkin House (Hudson Heights, Manhattan)

"Pumpkin kisses and harvest wishes"

"Pumpkin pie is the closest thing to a vegetable I'll see until January"

Pumpkin Spice Latte

"Pumpkin wishes and candy corn kisses"

"Pumpkins are just autumn watermelons"

"Pumpkins are just fall watermelons"

"Pumpkins are just goth watermelons"

"Pumpkins are just spooky watermelons"

"Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead"

"Punch above one's weight" (boxing metaphor)

Punchball (Punch Ball)

Pundemic (pun + pandemic)

Pundette (female pundit)

Punditocracy

PUnivision (Univision nickname)

"Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners"

Punyvision (Univision nickname)

Puppy Chow (cereal snack)

Puppy Dog Close (sales technique)

Pure Bull Shit (Public Broadcasting Service or PBS nickname)

"Puréed soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie"

Purity or Virtue (1909)

Purple Cow (grape soda float)

Purple Drank

Purple State

"Purpose is an incredible alarm clock"

Push-in robbery

"Put 10% of your portfolio in gold and hope it doesn't work" (investment adage)

"Put a different drink in every room of the house and pretend you're on a pub crawl"

"Put a little money away every month and at the end of the year ..." (joke)

"Put a potato in your swim trunks to attract more women" (joke)

"Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET"

"Put chili on stove to simmer. Broil a steak. Eat the steak. Let chili simmer. Ignore it." (Shivers)

"Put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

"Put on your positive pants"

"Put some South in your mouth!"

"Put some whiskey in my coffee because it's Ireland somewhere"

"Put Texas in your corner" (vehicle registration)

"Put the biscuit in the basket" (put the hockey puck in the net)

"Put the fun between your legs" (cycling saying)

"Put the politicians on minimum wage and watch how fast things change"

"Put the 'T' back in Texas"

"Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours" (college football joke)

"Put your diploma on the windshield so you can park in a handicap spot"

"Put your hair in a bun, drink some coffee and handle it"

"Put your hair up in a bun, drink some coffee and handle it"

"Put your positive pants on"

"Puttin' on the Ritz" (1929)

Putting Green (a bed of parsley)

"Putting ketchup on your eggs should lower your credit score"

"Putting ketchup on your mac n cheese should lower your credit score"

"Putting ketchup on your steak should also affect your credit score"

"Putting ketchup on your steak should lower your credit score"

"Putting on a mask to walk ten feet through a restaurant..."

"Putting salt on your food is technically just eating rocks"

"Putting soup in a square Tupperware... It should be a circle one which is the shape of soup"

"Putting vodka in my juice, because it's Russia somewhere"

Puzzle Palace (Pentagon, National Security Agency nickname)

Pyramid Scheme

Q-Head (barbecue enthusiast)

"Q: How do journalists count? A: One, two, trend." (joke)

Q: What does Dallas have that Fort Worth doesn't? A: A nice city 30 miles away.

Q: Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? A: Because Oklahoma sucks!

Qeaster or QEaster (quarantine + Easter)

QEeen (quantitative easing or QE + queen)

QEternity (quantitative easing or QE + eternity)

Qtard (QAnon + retard)

Quackarazzi (quack + paparazzi)

Quackcine or Quacksine or Quackxine or Quackzine (quack + vaccine)

Quackseen (quack + vaccine)

Quacksinate (quack + vaccinate)

Quacksination (quack + vaccination)

Quacksine or Quackcine or Quackxine or Quackzine (quack + vaccine)

Quackxine or Quackcine or Quacksine or Quackzine (quack + vaccine)

Quackzine or Quackcine or Quacksine or Quackxine (quack + vaccine)

Quadriscuit or Quadscuit (similar to "biscuit" and "Triscuit")

"Quads for the broads" (weightlifting saying)

Quadscuit or Quadriscuit (similar to "biscuit" and "Triscuit")

"Quality is the best business plan"

"Quality means doing it right when no one is looking"

"Quant is another word for wild fucking guess with math"

Quant or Quant Jock (quantitative analyst)

Quantitative Tightening (QT; Reverse QE)

"Economists do it with models" ("Quants do it with models")

Quaranadult (quarantine + adult)

Quaranchild (quarantine + child)

Quaranchildren (quarantine + children)

QuaranEaster (quarantine + Easter)

Quaranteam (quarantine + team)

Quaranteaming (quarantine + teaming)

QuarantEaster (quarantine + Easter)

Quaranteen (quarantine + teen)

Quaranteenager (quarantine + teenager)

Quarantine 15 (weight gain)

Quarantine Coffee

"Quarantine Day 20: Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind by just staring at it"

Quarantine Fifteen (weight gain)

"Quarantine has made me a bigger, better person... Well, bigger anyway"

"Quarantine has really showed me you don’t need fun to have alcohol"

"Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food..."

"Quarantine is a safe word for martial law"

"Quarantine is when you lock down the sick. Tyranny is when you lock down the healthy"

"Quarantine is when you restrict the movement of a sick person. Tyranny...of a healthy person"

"Quarantine is when you restrict the movement of sick people. Tyranny...of healthy people"

Quarantini (quarantine + martini)

Quarantiranny (quarantine + tyranny)

Quarantune (quarantine + tune)

Quarantween (quarantine + tween)

Quarantyranny (quarantine + tyranny)

Quareaster (quarantine + Easter)

Quarterly Capitalism

"Quasimodo walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Cuatro Leches or Quatro Leches (four milks cake)

Quaxine or Quaxxine or Quaxxxine (quack + vaccine)

Quaxxine or Quaxine or Quaxxxine (quack + vaccine)

Quaxxxine or Quaxine or Quaxxine (quack + vaccine)

Queaster (quarantine + Easter)

Queen Anne (cocktail)

Queen City (New Orleans nickname)

Queen City of the Rio Grande (Del Rio nickname)

Queen City (Toronto, Ontario nickname)

Queen (Drag Queen)

Queen of Avenues (Fifth Avenue)

Queen of Soul Food (Sylvia's)

Queen of the Missions (Mission San José y San Miguel de Aguayo)

Queens (cocktail)

Queens Topographical Poem

Queenser (inhabitant of Queens)

Queensite (inhabitant of Queens)

Quesadiarrhea (quesadilla + diarrhea; "case of diarrhea")

Quesadilla

"Quesadilla? Better make it one dilla. I don't think I could eat a whole case"

Quesadilla on Steroids (mulita)

"Quesadillas are just flat tacos"

Quesapita or Quesa-Pita (quesadilla + pita)

Quesarito (quesadilla + burrito)

Queso Fries

"Queso is just fondue for chips"

"Queso is just Mexican fondue"

"Queso is just spicy fondue"

"Queso is just Tex-Mex fondue"

"Queso is just Texan fondue"

"Queso = Spanish for cheese. K, so = Midwestern for here’s the plan and you might not like it"

"Question Austerity"

"Question Authority"

"Quiche, because 'egg pie' sounds disgusting"

"Quiche is like a baked omelet in a pie shell"

"Quiche Lorraine is just a breakfast pie"

Quiche (Quiche Lorraine)

Quick Lunch; Beef and --, Sinkers

"Quicker than you can spit and holler 'Howdy!'"

"Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it"

Quinceañera (Quince Años)

Quinnipiac ("Q-poll") & Marist polls

"Quinoa is just hipster rice"

"Quinoa is rice for hipsters"

Quisqueya Heights (Washington Heights)

"Quit complaining about jury duty. You’re getting excused from work to go judge a stranger..."

"Quitters make excuses. Winners make coffee"

"Quitters never win, and winners never quit talking about how they won"

Quooklyn (Queens + Brooklyn)

"'Quotes on the Internet are becoming less and less reliable.' -- Abraham Lincoln"

Raaaaacism or Raaaaacist ("There are five A's in 'raaaaacism'")

Rabbi Hole (rabbi + rabbit hole)

Rabbit Town (Stuyvesant Town-Peter Cooper Village)

Rabbits (dollars, or any fiat currency that can be printed in large amounts)

"Rabbits or tigers?"

Racer (race + -er)

"Racetrack -- A place where the windows clean the people"

"Racing improves the breed"

"Racist: An individual who wins an argument against a liberal"

"Racist: Anyone who wins an argument against a liberal"

"Racist: Someone who wins an argument against a liberal"

Racquet Club (cocktail)

Radio Row or Electronics District (Lower Manhattan)

Radio Row or Electronics District (Cortlandt Street)

Radio Row (radio area at major sporting event)

Radio Row (radio area at major sporting event)

RadioShaft or Radio Shaft (RadioShack or Radio Shack nickname)

RadioSlack or Radio Slack (RadioShack or Radio Shack nickname)

"Radio stations will interrupt the music to let you know the music is uninterrupted"

Radio (tuna fish sandwich)

Radish Communist (red on the outside, white on the inside)

Ragamuffin Day

"Raggy rope, don't be a dope" (poison ivy adage)

Raging Moderate

Ragpickers' Row (59 Baxter Street)

Rags to Riches

Ragtime

Ragtime Rialto (West 28th Street)

Ragtime Rialto (West 28th Street, also called "Tin Pan Alley")

Raider Rash

"Rain makes grain"

Rainbow Bagel

Rainbow Jihad

"Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock"

"Raise chickens, not taxes"

"Raise your hand if you try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear yo

"Raise your hand if you’re tired of being asked to raise your hand in tweets"

"Raise your hand if you’re tired of being asked to raise your hand on Twitter"

"Raise your kids in Midland; raise hell in Odessa"

"Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason i have trust issues"

"Raisins are just elderly grapes"

"Raisins are just grape jerky"

"Raisins are just grape mummies"

"Raisins are just zombie grapes"

Rally Tuesday

RAMBO (Right After Manhattan Bridge Overpass)

Remakequel (remake + prequel/sequel)

Ramen Burger

"Ramen is just alphabet soup in cursive"

"Ramen is just anime spaghetti"

"Ramen is just Japanese spaghetti"

"Ramen makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Ramen noodles are alphabet soup in cursive"

"Ramen. -- Scooby Doo ending a prayer"

Ramenrrito (ramen + burrito)

"Ramps are just boneless stairs"

Rams (Fordham University teams)

"Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg"

Ranahan (or Ranny)

Ranch Burger (Ranchburger; Ranchero Burger)

"Ranch dressing is a blessing"

"Ranch dressing is just American tzatziki"

"Ranch dressing is just flavored mayonnaise"

"Ranch dressing is just seasoned mayonnaise"

"Ranch dressing is just spicy mayonnaise"

Ranch Dressing (Ranch Salad Dressing; Ranch Dip)

"Ranch is just boneless bleu cheese"

"Ranch is just boneless blue cheese"

Ranchburger (ranch house)

Ranchify (add ranch dressing to food)

Ranchion (ranch + mansion)

Ranchion (ranch + mansion)

Ranchize or Ranchise (add ranch dressing to food)

Ranchocado (ranch dressing + avocado)

Random Act of Journalism

Random Acts of Pizza

Ranger Cookies

"Rap is 75% crap"

"Rap is all about poor people bragging about being rich"

Rapefugee (rape + refugee)

"Rappers pretend they have more money than the really do; country singers that they have less"

"Rapping about how the Big Apple is outta sight" (The Last Poets, 1969-1970)

"Rapping about how the Big Apple is outta sight" (The Last Poets, 1969-1970)

"Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband so let’s think positively here"

Raspberry Effect

Rat Cheer ("right here")

Rat Pack

Rat Rock (Central Park)

"Rated G - The good guy gets the girl; R - The bad guy gets the girl; X - Everyone gets the girl"

Rathole ("money down the rathole")

"Rats will gain immortality before humans because whatever we come up with will be tested on them"

Rats With Antlers (deer nickname)

Rattlesnake Code (Rattlesnake's Code)

"Ravioli are just candy Gushers"

"Ravioli are just cheese Gushers"

"Ravioli are just Italian dumplings, and dumplings are just Chinese ravioli"

"Ravioli are just Italian Gushers"

"Ravioli are just meat Gushers"

"Ravioli are just pasta Gushers"

"Ravioli are just savory Gushers"

"Ravioli are just spaghetti Gushers"

"Ravioli look like pregnant postage stamps"

"Raviolis are like lasagna pockets"

Raw Dog Oxygen (breathing without a face mask)

Ray's Pizza (started by Ralph)

Razzleberry Pie

Rocky Road (ice cream)

Re-Re-Elect (third term election)

Read-In

"Read Mises, not Marx"

"Read the ingredients in the food before you buy it? You must be an anti-fooder!"

Readathon

"Reading can seriously damage your ignorance"

"Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere"

"Reading won't solve your problems. But then again, neither will housework"

"Ready, Freddy" ("Ready, Freddie")

"Ready, Willing & Able" (Doe Fund)

"Real as Colby cheese"

"Real bacon has curves"

"Real barrel of laughs" (someone/something not funny)

Real. East Texas. Living. (Longview slogan)

"Real estate agents believe in doing good deeds"

"Real estate agents imply the existence of fake estate agents"

"Real estate is a relationship business" (real estate adage)

Real Estatesman (Austin American-Statesman nickname)

"Real girls eat meat"

"Real heroes don't wear capes -- they wear dog tags"

"Real medicine comes from the earth. not from a lab"

"Real men don't have Xboxes, they got toolboxes and tackleboxes"

"Real men wear aprons"

"Real Targét has to be from the Targét region of France, otherwise, it's just sparkling Walmart"

Real Texas Baseball (Texas Rangers slogan)

"Real Wood Furniture at Incredible Prices" (Gothic Cabinet Craft)

"Reality is just an illusion that occurs due to lack of wine"

Realize It Can Happen ("rich" backronym)

Realville (a town in the real world)

"Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic" (a futile or pointless activity in a losing situation)

Rears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Rears, Sobuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Reasonoid (Reason Magazine reader nickname)

"Reasons to get out of bed: food"

"Reasons why fall is #1:...bugs have returned to hell where they belong"

Rebalancing Day (Rebal Day)

"Rebounding translates (from college basketball to the pros)"

Recession Special (reduced-price food)

"Recessions catch what auditors miss"

Recessipe (recession recipe)

"Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy...'

"Recipe for an atomic salad: protons, neutrons, electrons and croutons"

"Recipe for ice cream soup -- one part ice cream, three parts waiting"

"Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Become a teacher 2) Pour coffee 3) Go to school..."

"Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Become a teacher 2) Pour coffee 3) Go to school..."

"Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Have kids 2) Make coffee 3) Forget you made coffee 4) Drink it cold"

"Recipe for Irish stew: Drink the Guinness, forget about the stew" (joke)

"Recipe for Prime Rib: Salt, pepper, and butter. Cook for 2, 3, 5, 7 or 11 minutes"

"Recipe for Triscuits: Finely chop one scarecrow. Salt to taste"

"Recipe said to 'Chill in the fridge for two hours.' I nearly died"

"Recipes are like online dates. They never look like the picture"

"Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up after cooking"

"Recognize it, admit it, learn from it, and forget it" (handling a mistake)

Recon Chip (chip used to take a broken chip out of the dip)

"Records are made to be broken"

"Recovery is a process, not an event"

"Recruiting is a lot like shaving -- miss one day and it shows" (college athletic recruiting)

Rectum Rocket (White Castle hamburger nickname)

Red Apple Supermarket (supermarket chain, 1971-present)

Red Ass

Red Beans and Rice

Red Beans and Rice

"Red beans and ricely yours"

"Red beans and ricely yours"

"Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake"

"Red Bull gives you wings. Vodka gives you 4x4"

Red Cajun (redneck + Cajun)

Red Cent

Red Diamond (goji berry nickname)

Red Diaper Baby (child of Communists)

Red Double Cross; Red Double Crossed (Red Cross + double-cross)

"Red equals green" or "Red means green" (professional wrestling adage)

Red-Eye Gravy (Redeye Gravy; Red Gravy; Red Ham Gravy)

Red Flannel Hash

Red Grapefruit (State Fruit)

Red Hook (cocktail)

Red Hooker (inhabitant of Red Hook, Brooklyn)

Red Hots

Red Ink (cheap red wine)

Red Light District

"Red lips and wine sips"

Red Mike and Violets (corned beef and cabbage)

"Red or Green (or Christmas)?" (red sauce, green sauce, or half-red and half-green chile sauce)

Red River Rivalry (Texas Longhorns vs. Oklahoma Sooners)

Red Square (and the Lenin statue)

Red State/Blue State

Red Taco

Red Tag Sale

Red Tail Hawk Capital (Kaufman nickname)

Red Velvet Cake

"Red, white and barbecue"

"Red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you"

"Red, white and booze" ("Red, white and boozed")

"Red, white and brew"

"Red wine and fish don't mix. In fact, mine died"

"Red wine is the best lip stain"

"Red wine (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Redbird and Brightliner trains

Redmen, Red Storm (St. John's teams)

Redneck Rock (Progressive Country)

"Reduce, reuse, recycle" (waste management's "three Rs")

Redwash (communist red + whitewash)

Redwash (redskin + whitewash)

Reeking Regatta (Buffalo Bayou Regatta nickname)

"Reese’s are chocolate ravioli with peanut butter filling"

Referette (female referee)

Reflecting Absence (World Trade Center Memorial)

"Reform Judaism is the Democratic Party platform with religious holidays thrown in"

Reformicon (reform conservative)

Reformocon (reform conservative)

"Refried beans are like Mexican mashed potatoes"

"Refried beans are technically beanut butter"

"Refried beans are the mashed potatoes of Mexican food"

Refrigerator Jenga

Refusenik

Reggae Carifest

"Register Communists, not firearms"

Rego Parker (inhabitant of Rego Park, Queens)

Rego Parkistan or Regostan (Rego Park)

"Regular barrel of laughs" (someone/something not funny)

"Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving"

"Regular workers must wear small face shields. Managers get to use the super-visors"

"Rehab is for quitters"

Reich-wing (Third Reich + right wing)

Reindeer Chow (cereal snack)

"Reinvent the wheel" (to do work unnecessarily when it has already been done)

"Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches"

"Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and wonder Y"

"Relationships are like wine. They get better with age, or turn to vinegar"

"Relax, don't worry, have a homebrew" (RDWHAHB)

Relief Rally

"Relievers are relievers for a reason" (baseball adage)

"Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right"

"Religion is for people who are afraid of hell; spirituality is for people who've been there"

"Religion: When grown ass adults argue about who has the better invisible friend"

"Religious dogma is doing what we are told, no matter what is right"

Religitics (religion + politics)

"Relish is just pickle salsa"

"Relish today, ketchup tomorrow"

"Remain calm in every situation because peace equals power"

Remax Ballunar Liftoff Festival (Houston)

Remdeathivir (Remdesivir nickname)

"Remember before the internet when we thought people were dumb because they didn’t have access to information?"

"Remember DO NOT grab another person's facemask. It's a 15-yard penalty and an automatic 1st down"

"Remember...if all the headlines are identical, it's not news, it's advertising"

"Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid"

"Remember if your flight gets cancelled most airports have a secret fleet of backup planes..."

"Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all"

"Remember, it didn't start with gas chambers. It started with politicians dividing people..."

"Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Leave it to the adults who have been drinking"

"Remember last year on St. Patrick's Day? Yeah, me neither"

"Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks"

"Remember Noah and the ark, when it rained 40 days and 40 nights?" (Texas weather joke)

"Remember November" ("Remember in November")

"Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That's Florida"

"Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That's Texas"

"Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That's today"

"Remember that time when police stood with the people against tyrannical laws?"

"Remember the à la mode!" (pie à la mode)

"Remember the Alamo!"

"Remember, the 'F' in physics stands for fun"

"Remember the Neediest" (New York Times Christmas Appeal)

"Remember, the ones really in control are never elected"

"Remember, the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance..."

"Remember the tea-kettle -- though up to its neck in hot water, it still sings"

"Remember those who served before. Remember those who are no more..." (Memorial Day poem)

"Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11:00 a.m. and November 1st"

"Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11:00 a.m. and November 2nd"

"Remember to set your scale back 10 lbs. this week"

"Remember what the valet who parked your car looks like. We don't have valet parking"

"Remember when everything sucked, and then the government solved all our problems? Me neither"

"Remember when global banking cartels screwing over the world was a conspiracy theory?"

"Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now..."

"Remember when teachers used to say, 'You won't have a calculator everywhere you go'?"

"Remember when the colonists stood in line to register their muskets? Me either"

"Remember when the colonists stood in line to register their muskets? Me neither"

"Remember when we treated the flu with chicken soup, saltines and warm tea instead of communism?"

"Remember when we used to get our 'fake news' from the National Enquirer instead of CNN, NBC..."

"Remember when you would get kicked out of a nightclub for experimenting with untested drugs?"

"Remember wishing the weekend would last forever? Happy now?" (quarantine joke)

"Rendebooze (n): A designated time and place to go and drink with your friends"

Rendez-Vous With French Cinema

Rent-a-Crowd (Rent-a-Mob)

"Rent is dollars for quarters"

Renwick Row or English Terrace Row (West 10th Street, Manhattan)

Repeater

Repeater (a reporter who repeats rather than reports)

"Repetition makes reputation, and reputation makes customers"

"Replace excuses with effort, replace laziness with determination, and everything falls into place"

Replyallcalypse (Reply All + Apocalypse)

Reporterette (female reporter)

"Reporters are never on vacation" (journalism adage)

Repubican or Repube (Republican party nickname)

Republic of Brooklyn

"Republicans and Democrats on the debt are like two drunks arguing over a bar bill on the Titanic"

Republican Elephant

Republican Party (1854)

"Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, neither one gives a damn about you"

"Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, neither one gives a shit about you"

"Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, neither one of them gives a fuck about you"

"Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July; Democrats believe every day is April 15th"

"Republicans campaign like Libertarians and govern like Democrats"

"Republicans fear their base; Democrats despise their base"

"Republicans vote on Tuesday, Democrats vote on Wednesday" (joke)

"Republicans want a leader; Democrats want a meeting"

Republicant or Republican't (Republican + can't)

Republico (Politico nickname)

Republicon (Republican + con)

Republicrat (Republican + Democrat)

Republicreep (Republican + creep)

Republicunt (Republican + cunt)

Republinut (Republican + nut)

Republitard (Republican + retard)

Republitarian (Republican + libertarian)

Republocrat (Republican + Democrat)

Repuglican or Repug (Republican party nickname)

Repugnican or Repug (Republican party nickname)

Repuke (Republican party nickname)

Repulsican (repulsive + Republican)

"Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog"

"Researchers discover that bombing people causes them to hate you"

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies"

Residual Income Creates Happiness ("rich" backronym)

Resi-mercial (residential-commercial)

Resimercial (residential-commercial)

"Resist. Defy. Do not comply"

"Resist every day or cease to exist"

"Resist or cease to exist"

"Resistance to tyranny comes with consequences. But so does submission. Choose your consequence"

"Resistance to tyranny comes with consequences. But so does submission. Choose your consequences"

Resluglican or Reslug (Republican + slug)

Resolutionary (resolution + revolutionary)

"Respect everybody but fear nobody" (sports adage)

"Respect existence or expect resistance"

"Respect is earned; honesty is appreciated; trust is gained; loyalty is returned"

"Respect is like a paycheck, if you don’t earn it, you don’t deserve it"

"Respect my existence or expect my resistance"

"Respect your parents -- they passed school without Google"

"Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist"

Rest In Power (RIP)

Restaurant Critic

"Restaurant idea: Chicken joint named 'Icarus' Hot Wings'"

Restaurant (Refectory)

Restaurant Row (West 46th Street)

Restaurant Supply District

"Restaurant toilets are so dangerous! So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!"

Restaurant Week ($19.92...$20.12)

"Restaurants always use 'crispy' as opposed to 'fried' to make it sound healthier"

"Restaurants are just gas stations for people"

"Restaurants omit pants in 'no shoes, no shirt, no service' because they serve bottomless brunch"

"Restaurants place drinks on the last page of the menu, but drinks are ordered first"

"Restaurants where they wait on you hand and foot charge you an arm and a leg"

Restaurateuse (female restaurateur)

"Restroom is for eating customers only" (restaurant sign)

"Retail follows rooftops" (real estate adage)

Retail Politics

Retardican (retard + Republican)

Rethuglican or Rethug (Republican + thug)

"Retired: Goodbye tension! Hello pension!"

"Retired is being tired twice"

"Retirement: God's reward for not strangling your boss"

"Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's a financial number"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's a financial situation"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's a financial state"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's a financial status"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's a number"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's an amount of money"

"Retirement isn't an age, it's an income"

"Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did"

Retirement Spending Smile

"Retirement: World's longest coffee break"

"Return of principal is more important than return on principal"

Returnship (return + internship)

Reuben Sandwich (and Rachel Sandwich, Celebrity Sandwiches)

"Reveal better" or "bare it better" (New York Sports Clubs)

"Revealing the Past. Challenging the Future" (Tenement Museum)

"Revenge is served cold. Revenge is sweet. Therefore, revenge is ice cream"

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"

Revenue Enhancement ("tax increase" euphemism)

Reverse Escorting

Reverse Mortgage

Reverse Showrooming

Reverse Town Hall Meeting

Revocouption (revolution + coup)

Revolving Door

"Revolving doors are revolutionary"

Revusical (revue + musical)

Rhinestone Cowboys (Dallas Cowboys replacements nickname)

Rhode Island: Gun Flint (nickname)

Rhode Island: Little Rhody (nickname)

Rhubarb (a heated dispute)

"Rhymes with orange"

Rhythm And Poetry ("rap" backronym)

Rialto (14th Street theater district, pre-Broadway)

Rib-Off

"Ribbed condoms don't even taste like ribs"

"Ribena is a poor man's Vimto"

"Rice cakes are edible styrofoam"

"Rice cakes have no right calling themselves 'cake' at all"

"Rice cakes really satisfy my cravings for styrofoam"

"Rice is basically dinner cereal"

"Rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples"

Rich Boy (sandwich)

Rich Boy (sandwich name variant of "poor boy")

"Rich have money, wealthy have time"

"Rich people ask 'How much?'; broke people ask 'How much per month?'"

"Richard Is Reliable," "Ask Your Neighbor About," "Appliance, Electronics, Computer Giant" (P. C. Ri

Richistan (a place where rich people live)

Richmond County Fair

Rickey (Gin Rickey; Lime Rickey)

"Ride the Rapid" (Staten Island Rapid Transit)

"Ride your own ride" (motorcycle adage)

Ridgite (inhabitant of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

Riding Club (cocktail)

"Right down Broadway" (straight and true, said of a baseball pitch)

Right Kind of Guy (RKG)

"Right now in America, it is easier to get an AR-15 than toilet paper"

"Right plant, right place" (landscaping adage)

"Right side of history" ("Wrong side of history")

Right Side of Texas (Beaumont slogan)

"Right Stuff. Low Price. Everyday!" (Academy Sports + Outdoors slogan)

"Right to rise"

Rightard (right + retard)

Rightosphere (right blogosphere)

Rightroots

"Rights are not gifts from government"

"Righty tighty, lefty loosey" (screw/unscrew)

"'Righty tighty, lefty loosey' isn't a statement about females and politics"

Rigulator or Riggulator (rig/rigging + regulator)

Ring of Steel (proposed security measure)

"Ring, relax and wait" (elevator safety procedure)

RINO (Republican In Name Only)

Rip-and-Read

Rip City (Portland nickname)

"Rise and wine" ("Rise & wine")

Rise In Power (RIP)

Rising Apple (New York Mets blog)

Rising Apple (New York Mets blog, 2011-present)

"Risk comes from not knowing what you are doing"

"Risking is better than regretting" ("Risk is better than regret")

"Risotto is Italian porridge"

"Risotto is just dinner porridge"

"Risotto is just savory rice porridge"

"Risotto is like night time porridge with cheese in it"

"Risotto is the most pasta-like rice. Orzo is the most rice-like pasta"

Ristra

Ritualistic Shame Muzzle (face mask)

River City (Austin nickname)

River City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

River City (San Antonio nickname)

River-to-River Festival

Riverdalian (inhabitant of Riverdale, Bronx)

Riverside Boulevard

Riveters (National Women's Hockey League team)

Riviera on the Range (Austin nickname)

Roach Coach

Road Apple

Road Pirates (police nickname)

Road Rage

Road Rash

"Road work ahead? Yeah, well I sure hope it does"

Roadhouse (Road House)

Roads, Rates and Rubbish (local government concerns)

"Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet..."

Roaring Forties

"Roast a marshmallow and party s'more"

Roastery

Rob Roy (cocktail)

Robe-itis

Robin Hood Plan (property tax)

Robins (Brooklyn baseball team)

Robo-Train

Robosigning (Robosigner)

Robot or -bot (Obamabot or O-bot; Paulbot)

Rochester: Aqueduct City (nickname)

Rochester: Chicken French

Rochester: Flour City (nickname)

Rochester: Flower City (nickname)

Rochester: Garbage Plate (or Dumpster Plate)

Rochester: Rottenchester (nickname)

Rochester: White Hots; Pop Opens

"Rock lobster implies the existence of heavy metal, pop, and easy listening lobster"

"Rock lobster implies the existence of paper lobster and scissors lobster"

"Rock salt implies the existence of country salt and rap salt"

"Rock salt implies the existence of paper salt and scissor salt"

Rock Star Economy

Rock Steady Park or The Goat Courts (Happy Warrior Playground)

Rockapulco (Rockaway Beach)

Rockefailure (Rockefeller family + failure)

Rockefeller Center's Atlas (modeled after Benito Mussolini?)

Rockefeller Republican

Rockefinger or Rockefeller Salute (Nelson Rockefeller's middle finger gesture)

Rocket Sandwich

Rocketeer (postal worker with pneumatic tube)

Rockettes

Rockettes (dance company)

Rocks for Jocks (Geology 101, or an easy college science course)

"Rocky Mountain oysters are the original sack lunch"

"Rode hard and put away wet"

Rodeo

Rodeo Capital of Texas (Mesquite nickname)

"Role players play better at home" (sports adage)

"Roll up the sidewalks at night"

Roll with a Hole (bagel)

Roller Coaster

"Romaine calm. Lettuce carrot on"

Romainetic (romaine lettuce + romantic)

"Roman numerals? Not on my watch"

"Roman numerals to be phased out -- not on my watch"

"Romance is the icing, but love is the cake"

"Romance novels written during COVID?19: 'As she slowly slipped her mask down...'"

Rome: Copper City (nickname)

"Rome declined because it had a Senate; what's going to happen to us with a Senate and a House?"

Rome on the Potomac (Washington, DC nickname)

"Rome wasn't built in a day."/ "I wasn't on that job."

Romeritos

Romoing

Rompope (Mexican eggnog)

Ronaldus Magnus or Ronaldus Maximus (Ronald Reagan's presidential years)

Rong Aid (Rite Aid nickname)

Roof-to-Table (Rooftop-to-Table)

"Room service? Send up a larger room!"

"Roommates say I steal a kitchen utensil, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take"

Root Beer

Root Beer Float or Ice Cream Float

"Root beer is just barbecue water"

"Root beer is just barbeque water"

"Root beer is just BBQ water"

Rooter (sports enthusiast)

"Rootin' Tootin' Shootin'" ("Rootin' Shootin' Tootin' Man From Texas")

"Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel" (1950)

"Ropers and Dopers" (cowboys and hippies)

Roscas (Rosca de Reyes -- Three Kings' Cake or Three Kings' Bread or Kings' Ring)

Roscoe: Trout Town, USA (nickname)

Rose Capital of America (Tyler nickname)

Rose Garden Strategy

"Rosé is the Gatorade of the Hamptons"

"Rose of Washington Square" (1920)

"Roses are red. Bacon is red. Poems are hard. Bacon"

"Roses are red. Bacon is savory. The U.S. tax code is legalized slavery"

"Roses are red, broccoli is green, that is the fattest ass I have ever seen"

"Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. I expect nothing, and I'm still let down"

"Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. I expected nothing, but you still let me down"

"Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. You're getting neither, so calm the fuck down"

"Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. You're not getting either, so calm the fuck down"

"Roses are red. Coffee is black. Poems are hard. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Coffee is black. Poems are hard. Give me my damn coffee"

"Roses are red. Coffee is brown. Poems are hard. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Contagion is plenty. I’m drinking for breakfast, Because fuck 2020"

"Roses are red. Freethinkers are few. If you keep obeying orders you'll have a chip inserted in you"

"Roses are red. Mondays are hard. I suck at poetry. Caffeine"

"Roses are red. Mondays are hard. I suck at poetry. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Mondays are hard. I'm bad at poetry. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Mondays are hard. I'm not good at poetry. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Mornings are hard. I suck at poetry. Coffee"

"Roses are red. Pizza sauce is, too. I ordered a large, and none of it's for you"

"Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame a Mexican just because you're unemployable"

"Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame Mexicans because you're unemployable"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Coffee is brown"

"Roses are red, violets are blue. I own me and you own you"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I really love being on a government watchlist with all of you"

"Roses are red, violets are blue-ish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Mondays are hard. I need coffee"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Poems are hard. Coffee"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, taxation is theft, and inflation is, too!"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, taxation is theft, and tariffs are, too"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Taxation is theft. The state's robbing you"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two"

"Roses are red. Wine is also red. Poems are hard. Wine"

Rosh Hashanna Rocket (R or RR subway line)

Rotatoes (rotate + potatoes; jocular name for curly fries)

Rothschild Moment ("Buy when there's blood in the streets")

Rotten Ronnie's (McDonald's nickname)

Rotten Row (West Broadway)

Rottenchild or Rottenschild (rotten + Rothschild family)

Rottenschild or Rottenchild (rotten + Rothschild family)

Round Rock (summary)

Round Rocker (inhabitant of Round Rock)

Roundagon (Hilton Austin Airport nickname)

"Rousong (pork floss) is basically meat cotton candy"

"Rowing is oarsome"

"Rowing is the only sport that originated as capital punishment"

"Rowing is the only sport you can win sitting on your butt going backwards"

"Rows for the hoes" (weightlifting saying)

Royal Bank of Swindlers (Royal Bank of Scotland or RBS nickname)

Royal Bull Shit (Royal Bank of Scotland or RBS nickname)

RPG Sandwich (roast pork on garlic bread)

Rubber Band Effect

Rubber Chicken

Rubber Chicken Circuit

Rubber Room

Rubbermen or Red Menace

Rubberneck Row

"Rubbing is racing" (auto racing adage)

Rubies of the Pines (New Jersey cranberries)

Rucker basketball tournament ("each one teach one")

Rugelach

"Rule #1: The boss is always right. Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, see Rule #1"

"Rule #1 to working out: Never skip Monday"

"Rule for life: Never trust anyone who won’t do a tequila shot with you"

"Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget Rule No. 1."

"Rule Number 1: Fuck what they think"

Rules of Eighth Avenue (in Manhattan)

Rules of Eighth Avenue (boxing at Madison Square Garden in Manhattan)

Rum Raisin

Rum Rita or Rumrita (cocktail)

"Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots"

"Rump roast is a good example on how to make ends meat"

"Run at spaces, not faces" (tag rugby adage)

Run, Death Is Near (Remdesivir nickname)

"Run fast, turn left" or "Run hard, turn left" (running advice)

Run for the Carnations (Belmont Stakes)

"Run for the Orchids" (Florida Derby)

Run for the Orchids (Louisiana Derby)

Run for the Roses (Kentucky Derby)

"Run? I thought they said rum"

"Run? I thought they said rum"

"Run like it's midnight"

"Run like you stole something"

"Run through a brick wall (for a coach)" (player loyalty)

"Runner's Hi - When joggers wave to each other"

"Runnin' on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

Runnin' Scared (Village Voice column)

"Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat. Then yeah, run"

"Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution"

"Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win"

"Running is a mental sport and we are all insane"

"Running is like a drug"

"Running is like coffee, I'm much nicer after I've had one"

"Running is like coffee, I'm much nicer after I've had one"

"Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting"

"Running on coffee and Christmas cheer"

"Running reminds us that even in our weakest moments, we are strong"

"Running reminds you that even in your weakest moments...you are strong"

Runsploring (running + exploring); Runsplorer

Runway Food

Ruppert's Riflemen (New York Yankees nickname)

Ruppert's Rifles (New York Yankees nickname)

Rush Hour

Rushing/Working the Growler

Russian Dressing

Ruthville (Yankee Stadium right field bleachers)

"S car go" (escargot joke)

SA Town (San Antonio nickname)

Sabich

Sabre-rattling

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger"

"Saddle your hoss before cussin' the boss"

"Sadly, I do most of my proofreading after I hit sned"

"Sadly this Christmas passes away, so let us give thanks today"

Sadomonetarism (sadomasochism + monetarism); Sadomonetarist

"Safe and effective is now sudden and unexpected"

"Safe and effective is not a lie. It's two lies"

"Safe as houses"

"Safe driving is no accident"

"Safe, legal and rare" (abortion saying)

Safe Six or #SafeSix (six feet apart social distancing)

"Safety first. Just kidding, coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth"

"Safety is when nothing happens"

Safety School

"Sage on the stage or guide on the side" (teaching terms)

Saigon (Seguin nickname)

Sailgating (sail + tailgating)

Sailor Sandwich

Saint City (New Orleans nickname)

Salad Astoria

Salad Astoria

Salad Bar

"Salad dressing implies the existence of salad undressing"

"Salad dressing is just leaf sauce"

"Salad dressing is just lettuce gravy"

"Salad dressing is just lettuce sauce"

"Salad is just lettuce nachos"

"Salad isn't food -- it's what food eats" ("Vegetables are what food eats")

Salad Undressing

"Salads are just lettuce nachos"

"Salads are just veggie nachos"

Salami Slicing (Salami Technique; Salami Attack)

Salami Tactics

Salbutes

Saleabration (sale + celebration)

Saleathon (sale + marathon)

"Sales go up and down. Service stays forever"

"Sales is vanity, profit is sanity, cash is reality" ("Volume/ Turnover/ Revenue is vanity...")

"Sales sells the first car and service sells the rest" (car dealership adage)

"Salesmanship begins when the customer says no"

"Salivating is just your mouth getting horny for food"

Sallie Mae (Student Loan Marketing Association)

Sally Soccer-mom

"Salsa from New York City?" (Pace picante sauce commercials)

Salsa Picante (Picante Sauce)

Salsa Ranchera (Ranch Sauce)

Salsa Verde

"Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust"

"Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust"

"Salt is just angry sugar"

"Salt is just tasty rocks"

"Salt jokes are sodium funny"

"Salt puns are sodium funny"

"Salt, sugar, sex -- the deeper you go, the sweeter it gets"

Salt Water Taffy

Saltwater Heaven (Aransas Pass nickname)

Salty Dog (cocktail)

Salugi (or Saloogie)

Salute to Israel

Sam and Ella (salmonella)

Sam Hill

"Sam Houston made us free; Sam Colt made us equal"

Sam Houston White Cake

Sam, Mike, Will (strongside, middle and weakside linebacker nicknames)

Sam 'n' Ella (salmonella)

Sam Ward (cocktail)

"Sam, You Made the Pants Too Long" (1932)

"Same shit, different asshole" (political adage)

Sammy Scheme (Uncle Sam + Ponzi Scheme)

"Samuel Colt: Inventor of the point and click interface"

San Angeloan (inhabitant of San Angelo)

San Anto ("San Antonio" in Chicano slang)

San Antone (San Antonio)

San Antonian (inhabitant of San Antonio)

San Antonio Blight (San Antonio Light nickname)

San Antonio Chicken; San Antonio Chicken Roll-Ups; San Antonio Chicken Wraps

San Antonio Excuse-for-News (San Antonio Express-News nickname)

"San Antonio is the northernmost city in Mexico"

San Francisco of the South (Austin nickname)

San Jacinto Corn

San Juan Hill; The Gut

San Man

San Marcan (inhabitant of San Marcos)

San Marvelous (San Marcos nickname)

Sanctuary City

Sanctuary Restaurant

Sand and Jello (San Angelo nickname)

Sand Hog (Sandhog)

"Sandwiches need chips, shoulders do not"

Santa Anna's Revenge (traveler's diarrhea or "Montezuma's revenge")

Santa Claus Curse (New York Mets)

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year"

Santa Claus & Sidewalk Santas

Santa Fe Salad

"Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par three"

"Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas"

"Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses"

Saranac Lake: Capital City of the Adirondacks (nickname)

Saranac Lake: "Green Side of the Big Apple" (slogan)

Saranac Lake: Little City in the Adirondacks (nickname)

Saranac Lake: "The Adirondacks' Coolest Place" (slogan)

Saratoga: August Mecca (nickname)

Saratoga: Big Apple (New York racing circuit including the Saratoga Race Course)

Saratoga: Big Apple (New York racing circuit including the Saratoga Race Course)

Saratoga: Graveyard of Champions or Graveyard of Favorites (Saratoga Race Course)

Saratoga: "Health, History, Horses" (slogan)

Saratoga: "Heaven's nice, but it ain't Saratoga" (joke)

Saratoga: "Pearly gates of horse racing" (Saratoga Race Course)

Saratoga: Peppermint Pig

Saratoga: Queen of American Spas (nickname)

Saratoga: Queen of the Spas (nickname)

Saratoga: Saratoga Potato (Chip)

Saratoga: Saratoga Trunk

Saratoga: "The August place to be" (Saratoga Race Course)

"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer"

"Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don’t know how to play chess"

"Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit"

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life" (joke)

"Saskatchewan is much like Texas — except it's more friendly to the United States"

Satan Sandwich

Satan's Circus

Satan's Seat

"Satire is something that closes on Saturday night" (theatre adage)

Saturday Night Liberal (Saturday Night Live or SNL nickname)

"Live, from New York! It's Saturday Night!" (Saturday Night Live)

Saturday Night Special

"Saturday -- the day kids jump out of bed at 6am"

"Saturdays are for adventure; Sundays are for cuddling"

Sauce Proposal (Proposal Sauce)

Saudi America (oil-producing areas of the United States)

"Sauerkraut and bacon drive all care away"

Sauerkraut Bend (King William Street, San Antonio)

"Sauerkraut is German kimchi"

"Sauerkraut is just European kimchi"

"Sauerkraut is just white people kimchi"

"Sausage flavored vodka: Absolut Wurst"

Sausage Sandwich

"Sausages are just meat bananas"

"Save a cow -- eat a vegetarian"

"Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" ("Save a Horse, Mount a Cowboy")

"Save a turkey. Eat a pie"

"Save a turkey. Eat a pizza"

"Save a turkey. Eat a taco"

"Save Grand Central. No more bites out of the Big Apple!" (1975)

"Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet"

"Save the ales"

"Save The Date. And any other endangered fruit"

"Save the date!! The end of quarantine was just announced: Octemburary 54th"

"Save the earth -- it's the only planet with chocolate"

"Save the planet. Delete the elite"

"Save water. Drink champagne"

"Save your pennies and the sales tax will take care of them"

"Save your pennies and the sales tax will take care of them"

"Save your tears for your pasta water"

Savile Row (bespoke tailoring in NoHo/Nolita/West Village)

"Saving is a very fine thing, especially when your parents have done it for you"

"Saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast. Guess it was some kind of millennial falcon"

"Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone.."

"Saw a fat kid wearing an 'I Love Hip Hop" shirt. The letters 'C' and 'S' must have washed off"

"Saw a fat kid wearing an 'I Love Hip Hop" shirt. The letters 'C' and 'S' must have washed off"

"Saw a market selling nothing but fruit, sherry, custard and sponge fingers. It was a trifle bazaar"

"Saw a pack of gummy worms that read 'No artificial flavor'..."

"Saw a sign saying 'Hidden Dip,' went round the corner and crashed into a huge tub of guacamole"

"Sawdust is man glitter"

Sawdust Pie

Sawdust Trail (Sawdust Circuit)

"Say boo and scary on"

"Say 'Cheese!'"

"Say no to drugs. Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably on drugs"

"Say No to Drugs, Say Yes to Tacos"

"Say whatever you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly through school zones"

"Saying 'drugs and alcohol' is like saying 'vegetables and potatoes'"

"Saying fuck when it's cold out makes you less cold"

Sayre's Law: Mayors of NY come from nowhere and go nowhere

Sazerac (cocktail)

"Scaffolding -- I'm a supporter"

"Scalloped potatoes don't contain any seafood. This is clearly false advertising"

"Scallops are just savory marshmallows"

"Scallops are the marshmallows of the sea"

"Scallops are the tater tots of the ocean"

"Scallops are the tater tots of the sea"

Scalpel vs. Machete (budget-cutting techniques)

"SCAM ALERT: There's an organization going around called 'IRS' claiming you owe them money"

Scamdemic (scam + pandemic)

Scampaign (scam + campaign)

Scandalpalooza (scandal + lollapalooza)

"Scare you to death, work you to death, then bore you to death" (law school's three years)

Scarebus (Airbus nickname)

"Scared money never wins" (gambling, Wall Street adage)

Scaredemic (scare + pandemic)

Scarf (to eat)

Scariant (scare/scary + variant)

"Schaefer Is the One Beer to Have When You're Having More Than One" (Schaefer Beer)

Schenectady: Electric City (nickname)

Schenectady: "The City that Lights and Hauls the World" (slogan)

"Schizophrenia beats dining alone"

Schleppie Award

Schmearlier or Schmelier (schmear expert)

Schmear (Schmeer; Shmear; Shmeer)

Schmelier or Schmearlier (schmear expert)

"Scholarships are basically giftcards for college"

"School and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes"

"School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here"

School Bus of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

School Bus with Wings (Spirit Airlines nickname)

School For Alcoholics (Stephen F. Austin State University nickname)

"School is a building that has four walls -- with tomorrow inside"

"School is just a really long tutorial"

"School is killing us. Textbooks are made from paper, paper is made from trees..."

"School is like a tutorial for life"

"School is punishment for the crime of being young"

"School is soup and I am a fork"

"School minutes are longer than regular minutes"

School of Hard Knocks (University of Hard Knocks)

School of No (PS 106, Far Rockaway, Queens nickname)

"School was great! We made explosives" (joke)

Schoolcation (school + vacation)

"Schoolhouse Rock didn't prepare us for this"

"Schoolhouse Rock never prepared us for this shit"

"Schrödinger's Cash: When you don't know how much is in your bank account"

"Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Schrödinger's Money

Schumwich (NY Senator Chuck Schumer's sandwich)

"Schwan’s food was the OG Uber Eats"

"Schwan’s was the original Uber Eats"

"Schwan’s was the Uber Eats of the nineties"

"Science, because figuring things out is always better than making shit up"

"Science, because figuring things out is better than making stuff up"

"Science built skyscrapers and airplanes, but only religion can bring the two together"

"Science built skyscrapers and airplanes, but only faith can bring the two together"

"Science doesn't care what you believe in"

"Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings"

"Science: If you don't make mistakes, you're doing it wrong"

"Science isn't meant to be trusted. It's meant to be tested"

"Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break"

"Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break"

"Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything when you claim scientists..."

"Scientists turn back time and end up with 'emit'"

Scissors and Sawbuck (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

SCOAMF (Stuttering Clusterfuck Of A Miserable Failure)

Scofflaw

Scooter Pie

"Scotch is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again"

"Scotch tape doesn't even taste like scotch"

"Scotch tape implies the existence of Bourbon tape"

"Scotch tape implies the existence of vodka tape"

"Scotland has Lochs, but Florida has Keys"

SCOTUS (Supreme Court Of The United States)

"Scout traits, not production" (player acquisition strategy)

"Scrabble is all fun and games until someone loses an 'I'"

"Scrambled eggs should be spelled dcrbmlaes gegs"

"Scrapple From the Apple" (1947)

Scratch 'n' Match (Daily News promotional game)

Scratchiti

Screaming Buy (Wall Street phrase)

Screlt (scream/screech + belt)

Screlter (screamer/screecher + belter)

Screlting (screaming/screeching + belting)

"Screw it, just do it" ("Screw it, let's do it")

"Screw up, move up"

Screwdriver (vodka + orange juice cocktail)

Screwel, Screwl, Scrool, Scruel, Skrewel, Skrewl (school)

Screwflation

Screwston (Houston nickname)

ScrewTube (YouTube nickname)

SCRIE (pronounced "scree") and SCHE (pronounced "she"); DRIE

Scroogle or Screwgle (screw/Scrooge + Google)

SCROTUS (So Called Ruler Of The United States)

SCROTUS (Supreme Court Republicans Of The United States)

Scrubway (Subway nickname)

Scullers' Row

Sea Breeze (cocktail)

Sea Gulls of the Sink (roaches); Rats with Wings (pigeons)

Seafood

Seafood Delight (seafood platter)

Seafood Diet ("Whenever I see food, I eat it" -- Tommy Lasorda?)

Seafood Platter

Seagull Manager (Seagull Management)

Seahawks (Wagner College teams)

Sears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

"Seasoned fries are what rookie fries eventually become"

"Seasoned salt is salt with some experience"

"Season's bleatings. Fleece on earth. Good wool to men"

Seastead (sea + homestead); Seasteading

"Seat 'em and feed 'em" (sports facility adage)

Secret Santa

Second Acting

Second Avenue Subway Cough (Second Avenue Subway Syndrome)

Second "Big Apple" explanation: December 1, 1926

Second Biggest Paris in the World (Second Largest Paris in the World)

Second Chance U. (TSU nickname)

Second City (Chicago nickname)

Second City of the World

"Second Hand Rose (From Second Avenue)" (1921)

Second Line; Second Liner; Second Lining

Second Nashville (Austin nickname)

"Second place is the first loser" (sports adage)

"Second Prize: Two weeks in Philadelphia/ Chicago/ Los Angeles/ Texas" (joke)

"Second toughest job in America" (NYC mayor)

"Seconds count— especially when dieting"

"Secrecy is the breeding ground of tyranny" ("Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny")

Secret Circus (Secret Service nickname)

Secret Subway (PATH)

Secretary of Death (Secretary of Defense nickname)

Securitocracy (security + -ocracy)

"Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to baggage claim..."

"Security is our middle name" (slogan at various government agencies)

Security Mom

Security Theater

"Security without liberty is called prison"

"Security without liberty is prison"

See B.S. (CBS nickname)

"See life through the lens of a Sunday morning and everything will be easy"

"See Miracles In Life Everyday" ("smile" backronym)

See Texas First (See America First)

"See The Dog Jump In A Circle. Leave Her Home To Entertain Every Visitor Here" (Cabinet mnemonic)

"See you later, alligator; after a while, crocodile"

Seedelicious or Seedalicious or Seedilicious (seed + delicious)

"Seeds are the ultimate zip files"

Seeduction (seed + seduction)

"Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck"

"Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer"

"Seems like if you're good at gambling, you're a professional. If you're bad, it's an addiction"

Seguinite (inhabitant of Seguin)

Seinfeld Session

"Seis de Mayo sucks ass"

Selectarian

Selection Sunday

"Self-checkouts are for teenagers buying their first condoms"

"Self-confidence is the best outfit. Rock it and own it"

"Self-educated people cannot be fooled by institutionalized propaganda"

"Self-education is the only kind of education there is"

Selfieccino (selfie + cappuccino)

Selkirk Hurdle

"Sell down to the sleeping point" (Wall Street proverb)

"Sell in May and go away (buy back on St. Leger's day)" (Halloween Indicator)

"Sell like hot cakes" (a fast-selling item)

"Sell like hotcakes" (a fast-selling item)

"Sell on Rosh Hashanah, buy on Yom Kippur" (Wall Street adage)

"Sell the problem, not the solution" (advertising adage)

"Sell when Business Week says buy" (Business Week cover curse/cover jinx)

"Sell when you can, not when you have to”

Sellabration (sell + celebration)

Sellathon (sell + marathon)

"Sellers of dried grapes are always raisin awareness"

Selmelier (salt expert)

"Seltzer is just angry water"

"Seltzer tastes like if tv static had flavor"

"Seltzer water is just liquid tv static"

"Semiconductor: A part-time orchestra leader"

Seminar Caller

Semita (Cemita)

Senate Bean Soup

"'Senator' is an anagram for 'treason'"

"Send a Salami to Your Boy in the Army"

"Sending W-2s out to everyone who's been in my business all year"

Senegalese Soup

Senior Citizen

Senior Slump

Senioritis

Señorita Special (Señorita Plate; Señorita Platter)

Sept-taper or Septaper (September + taper)

Septagon (seven-sided bathroom in Central Park's Arsenal)

"September ended. Somebody wake up that guy from Green Day" (October 1 joke)

"September is like the Monday of summer"

"September is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off and turn the heat on…"

"September is the bank holiday Monday of summer"

"September is when leaves and stocks tend to fall; On Wall Street it's the worst month of all"

Sequesteria (sequester + hysteria)

Sequestrocalypse (sequester + apocalypse)

"Serious as a snake bite" ("Serious as a snakebite")

Sermon on the Mound (Pope delivering Mass at Yankee Stadium)

"Service is the rent we pay to live on this earth"

"Service with a smile"

"Serving great food since the hippies showed up" (Waterloo Ice House, Austin)

"Serving humanity simply by showing up"

Sesame Seed Bun (hamburger bun)

"Sesame seeds are just savory sprinkles"

"Sesame seeds are nature's glitter"

"Sesame seeds are the glitter of food"

"Set a goal that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning"

"Set goals and crush them"

"Set goals. Crush them. Repeat"

Setters (Pace University teams)

Seven-Course Meal (includes six pack of beer)

Seven Crazy Hours Of Our Lives or Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives ("school" backronym)

"Seven days without pizza makes one weak"

Seven O'Clockers

Seven Sisters' Row (West 25th Street)

"Seven S's of wine tasting: See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip, Savor, Swish and Spit (or Swallow)"

Seven Year Itch

Seventh-inning stretch (Manhattan College's claim to origin)

"Seventy-eight per cent of the earth is covered with water; the rest is covered with mortgages"

"Several upset thespian pigeons decided to stage a coo"

"Sex counts as cardio"

"Sex ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight"

"Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions"

Sex, Fun and Alcohol (Stephen F. Austin State University nickname)

"Sex in return for rice wine? For fucks, sake"

"Sex is a misdemeanor. De more I miss, de meaner I get"

"Sex is cool, but have you ever fucked the system?"

"Sex is like bridge..." (bridge joke)

"Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract clothes, divide legs, and pray you don't multiply"

"Sex is like math. I don't get it"

"Sex is like music: For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free"

"Sex is like pizza -- even when it's bad, you still have to pay for it"

"Sex is my cardio. Which probably explains why I'm fat"

"Sex sells" (advertising adage)

Sexocrat (sex + bureaucrat)

Sexretary (sex + secretary)

Shablam (dance move)

Shabu-Shabu

Shade Tree Barbecue

Shade Tree Mechanic

Shadow Government

Shadow Inventory

Shadow Kitchen

Shady Park (Andrews Grove, Long Island City)

Shadyville (Queens Village, Queens)

Shaggy Dog (Frito chili pie + hot dog)

Shakedown (Shake Down)

Shakespeare in the Park (New York Shakespeare Festival)

"Shakespeare walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Shaking hands is the new first base"

Shamdemic (sham + pandemic)

Shame Muzzle (face mask)

Shammgod or El Latigo or The Whip (one-handed crossover basketball dribble)

Shamnesty (sham + amnesty)

Shampaign (sham + campaign)

Shamparency (sham + transparency)

Shamrock Cookie

Shamrock Sandwich

Shamrock Shake

Shamsung (Samsung nickname)

Shao-Lin (Staten Island)

"Share sarcasm, not pizza"

Shareable

"Shareholders should be worried when a CEO builds a new headquarters"

Shark Repellent

Sharkcuterie (shark + charcuterie)

Sharks (Long Island University teams)

Sharkuterie (shark + charcuterie)

"Sharp as a marshmallow sandwich"

"Sharp as a mashed potato sandwich" (dumb)

"Sharp cheddar is the dark chocolate of cheese"

Shartonnay (shart + Chardonnay)

"Shattered" (1978) (Rolling Stones' "Big Apple" lyric)

"Shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice"

Shawam or Shawham (dance move)

Shawham or Shawam (dance move)

SHCOOL (failed spelling of "school")

"She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat"

"She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster"

"She passed on the scalloped potatoes because, 'I don't really like seafood'"

"She said 'choke me daddy' so I gave her two Popeyes biscuits without a drink"

"She said to kiss her where it smells bad, so I took her to New Jersey"

"She sells C cells by the sea shore"

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans"

"She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still"

"She: What was the last book that made you cry? Me: 'Concepts of Physics' by H. C. Verma"

"She Will Endure All Things" ("sweat" backronym)

"She won't techno for an answer"

Shea Town

Shears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Shedies Awards (Manhattan's oldest scaffolding)

Sheeny Funeral (roast pork)

Sheep and Wool Capital of the World (San Angelo nickname)

Sheeple (sheep + people)

Sheeptard or Sheepletard (sheep/sheeple + retard)

"Sheet music is really just a sound recipe"

Shell Game

"Shell out!" (Halloween shout)

"Shell out, shell out, or we'll turn your windows inside out!" (Halloween shout)

"Shell out, shell out, the witches are out!" (Halloween shout)

Shellebration (shell + celebration)

Sheriff of Wall Street

Shermanite (inhabitant of Sherman)

Sherrill: Silver City (nickname)

"She's a Latin From Manhattan" (1935)

"She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower"

"She's not that ugly. -- Jack Daniels"

"She's so stupid, she slept with the writer" (casting joke)

"She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road"

"She's some kind of ugly that even Jack Daniels can't fix"

Shigging

Shinerite (inhabitant of Shiner)

Shipwreck (scrambled eggs)

Shirley Temple (non-alcoholic cocktail)

Shit-faced Saturday

"Shit happens. Get the tequila"

"Shit happens. Get the whiskey"

"Shit happens. Get the wine"

"Shit hits the fan" (SHTF)

Shit-in ("sit-in" for gender-neutral bathrooms)

"Shit is fucked up and stuff"

"Shit posting will continue until government improves"

"Shit rolls downhill"

Shit Sandwich

Shit To Remember Every Single Second ("stress" backronym)

Shitcan

Shitcoin (shit + bitcoin)

Shitebarf (shite + barf, a Breitbart News nickname)

Shitebart (shite + Breitbart News)

Shitefart (shite + fart, a Breitbart News nickname)

Shiti Bike (Citi Bike nickname)

Shitizen (shit + citizen)

Shitlib (shit + liberal)

"Shitposters are just feral philosophers"

"Shitposters are simply feral philosophers"

Shitpotle (Chipotle Mexican Grill nickname)

ShitChute (BitChute nickname)

Shitter (shit + Twitter)

Shittybank or Shitty Bank or Shitibank (Citibank nickname)

ShittyField, in Flushing (Citi Field ballpark, in Flushing, Queens)

Shivercrat (Governor Allan Shivers + Democrat)

Shmeat (sheet + meat)

"Shocked. Shocked!" (meme)

Shoe District

"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria; socks can eat any place they want"

Shoestring Potatoes (Shoestring Fries)

Shoofly Pie (Shoo-fly Pie)

"Shoot O'Malley twice" (Brooklyn Dodger joke)

"Shoot pool with a rope" (an impossible task)

Shooter's Sandwich

Shootout (an athletic competition, such as the "Red River Shootout")

Shop-and-Frisk (shop + stop-and-frisk)

"Shop Like a Chef" (Gourmet Garage)

"Shop like it's 1999"

"Shop 'til you drop"

Shopaholic

Shopdropping (reverse shoplifting)

Shopocalypse

Shoppertunity (shopper + opportunity)

"Shopping days until Christmas"

"Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios"

"Shopping is my cardio"

"Shopping like it's 1999"

Shopportunity (shop + opportunity)

Shore Dinner

"Short arms and long pockets" (stingy)

"Short form, the government gets your money; long form, the CPA gets it"

"Short people can't reach an agreement"

"Shortbread -- They're not making it any longer"

"Shortest horror story: Monday"

Shortseller Enrichment Commission (Securities and Exchange Commission or SEC nickname)

SHOT 97 (HOT 97)

"Shot heard 'round the world"

"Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"No, just have turkey."

"Shouldn't pregnant women be called body builders?"

"Show business is high school with money" (show business adage)

"Show, don't tell" (scriptwriting adage)

Showgirl (Show Girl)

"Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser"

"Show me a successful person, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity"

"Show me a time in history where rendering the good people helpless made the bad people harmless"

Show Me City (Missouri City slogan)

"Show me Thanksgiving leftovers in the garbage and I'll show you a man who quit cold turkey"

"Show me your budget and I'll tell you what you value"

"Show me your checkbook and I'll tell you your values"

"Show me your friends and I'll show you your future"

"Show the door" (to dismiss; a forced exit)

"Show up, keep up and shut up" (golf caddy adage)

"Show us your shoes!" (San Antonio Battle of Flowers Parade cry)

“Show your enemy no mercy. Misgender him at every opportunity.—Sun Tzu, ‘The Art of War’”

"Show your enemy no mercy. Misgender them at every opportunity. -- Sun Tzu, 'The Art of War'"

"Showing your love is now just looking at them for five minutes without checking your phone"

Showmance (show + romance)

Showrooming

Showstopper or Show-stopper ("stop the show")

"Shredded cheese is just milk jerky"

"Shredded cheese is perfectly safe for children. After all, it's g rated"

"Shrimp are the cockroaches of the ocean"

Shrimp Capital of Texas (Aransas Pass nickname)

Shrimp Cocktail or Prawn Cocktail (Shrimp Cocktail Sauce)

Shrimp Enchiladas

Shrimp of the Dirt or Shrimp of the Land (cicadas)

Shrimp Reunion (jumbo shrimp & spicy shrimp)

Shrimp Scampi

Shrimp Tetrazzini

Shrimp Wiggle (Lobster Wiggle)

"Shrink it and pink it" (men's to women's sportswear)

Shrinkflation (shrink + inflation)

"Shrouds have no pockets"

"Sh*t posting will continue until government improves"

"Shuck me, suck me, eat me raw" (oyster saying)

Shunday

Shut Happens (shut + shit happens)

"Shut the front door"

"Shut up and sing/dance/act" (entertainers taking political positions)

"Shut up and squat" (bodybuilding saying)

"Shut up and train"

"Shut up, Brooklyn"

Shutdown Theater (Government Shutdown Theater)

Shutstorm (shutdown + shitstorm)

Shyster

"Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes"

Siberia (second-class restaurant seating)

Sichuan Fire (pun on "set you on fire")

Sicilian Pizza

Sick Man of Asia

Sick Man of Europe

"Sick until proven healthy is no less tyrannical than guilty until proven innocent"

Sidewalk Superintendent

"Sidewalks of New York (East Side, West Side)" (1894)

Siegel-Cooper's Statue of the Republic (Minnie Clark, model)

"Sierra Mist is a poor man's Sprite"

"Sign at bowling alley: 'Due to Coronavirus, please refrain from touching other people's balls'"

"Sign in a local hospital: 'From all of us here at the Dermotology Department - Merry Eczemas'"

"Sign in haste, repent at leisure"

"Sign not in use" (traffic sign)

Signing Statement

"Signs don't vote"

Sikh Day Parade

"Silence is always better than bullshit"

"Silence is better than bullshit"

"Silence is golden; duct tape is silver"

Silent Dining

Silent Service (United States Postal Inspection Service or USPIS nickname)

Silicon Alley

Silicon Bayou (New Orleans nickname)

Silicon Forest

Silicon Hills (Austin nickname)

Silicon Prairie

Silicon Swamp (New Orleans nickname)

Silicone City (Houston nickname)

Silk Stocking District

"Silly straws imply the existence of serious straws"

"Silly straws should just be called 'straws' and normal straws should be called 'serious straws'"

Silver Alert ("Amber Alert" for seniors)

Silver Boot Series (Houston Astros vs. Texas Rangers)

Silver, Wine, Art and Gold (SWAG backronym)

Silverbug or Silver Bug (silver enthusiast)

Silverite

Simon Says (Simple Simon Says)

"Simple syrup implies the existence of complex syrup"

"Simple syrup implies the existence of complicated syrup"

"Simple syrup implies the existence of difficult syrup"

"Simply Good Taste" (Cosi Sandwich Bar)

Sin City (Las Vegas, Nevada nickname)

"Since 1898" (Entenmann's)

"Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead" (pickup line)

"Since an avocado is a fruit, does that make guacamole a fruit salad?"

"Since Christ was a cowboy" ("Since Jesus was a cowboy")

"Since everyone started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste"

"Since everyone's now washing their hands, we’ll be working on shapes & colors next week"

"Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website, I'm uploading my bills"

"Since I bought a solar-powered treadmill, I've been walking on sunshine"

"Since I changed my smartphone's name to Titanic, it's been syncing"

"Since Latin is a dead language, I expect it would be pretty useful in a zombie apocalypse"

"Since nobody reads the 5,000 page bills. let's slip in 'term limits'"

"Since nobody reads the 5,592 page bills, let's slip in 'term limits'"

"Since our Russian gymnast was deported, we don't have Oleg to stand on"

"Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X, we'll probably get to see 9/11 next year"

"Since we’re all in quarantine, I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on"

"Sincerity Affection Love Attention Respect Yourself" ("salary" backronym)

Sing Sing on the Brazos (Texas A&M nickname)

Singapore Chili Crab Festival

Singerhorn (Singer Building)

"Singing in the shower is fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's soap opera"

"Singing is like talking in cursive"

"Single man with Purell and Lysol seeking single woman with toilet paper for good clean fun"

"Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun"

"S.I.N.G.L.E. Stress Is Now Gone Life's Easier"

"Single women can't fart. They don't have an asshole until they're married"

Singles Bar

Sinistrosphere (left blogosphere)

Sinkhole de Mayo (May 2008 sinkhole in Daisetta)

SINO or SPINO (Speaker In Name Only)

SINO (Student In Name Only); Pushout

"Sip happens" (sip + shit happens)

"Sip sip hooray" (sip + hip hip hooray)

"Sippity doo dah! Sippity yay!" (wine saying)

Sipster (sip + -ster, hipster)

Siren Music Festival (Village Voice)

"Siri, check my bank account and tell me which Apple product I can buy."/"Apple juice."

Sis-boom-bah (skyrocket cheer)

Sissy Burger (hamburger with mayonnaise and without ketchup or mustard)

Sistine Chapel of Comic Strip Art (Overlook bar)

"Sit down. Be quiet. Drink some coffee. You are going to be fine"

"Sit down. Drink some coffee. You are going to be fine"

"Sit down. Shut up. Drink some coffee. You are going to be fine"

"Sit-ups are the best exercise because they include the most lying down"

"Sitting is the new smoking"

"Sitting on a gold mine" (possessing something of great value)

"Sitting on the toilet as the clock struck midnight, I thought, 'Same shit, different day'"

Sitzprobe (sitting rehearsal)

"Six allowed at Christmas but 30 for a funeral. I will be holding a funeral for my pet turkey"

"Six allowed at Thanksgiving but 30 for a funeral. I will be holding a funeral for my pet turkey"

"Six bores and a sadist" (political committee composition)

Six Crazy Hours Of Our Lives or Six Crappy Hours Of Our Lives ("school" backronym)

Six Flags Over Jerry (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

Six Flags Over Texas

Six-Man Football

Six Million Jews

Six Pack (UT-Austin campus buildings)

Six Phases of a Project ("Enthusiasm, disillusionment, panic...")

Six-Shooter Coffee

Six Shooter Junction

"Six S's of wine tasting: See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip, Swish and Spit (or Swallow)"

Six-Year Itch

"Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman" (bar joke)

"Sixteen wives: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer" (joke)

Sixth Borough (Yonkers, Scarsdale, Fort Lee, Jersey City, Hoboken, Nassau County, Rockland County)

"Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 is the new midnight"

Skank of America (Bank of America nickname)

"Skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it's been" (hockey adage)

Skee-Ball

Skelly (or skelsy, skellzies, scully, tops, caps)

"Ski hair, don't care"

"Skiers are made in the summer" (skiing adage)

"Skiiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill"

"Skiing is a dance, and the mountain always leads"

"Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain"

"Skiing is the only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg"

"Skiing: the art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great risk"

"Skilled labor ain't cheap. Cheap labor ain't skilled"

"Skilled labor isn't cheap. Cheap labor isn't skilled"

"Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management"

Skin in the Game

Skinny Nut (pistachio nickname)

"Skull full of mush" (student's head before education)

Skunk Egg (onion)

"Sky above me, earth beneath me, fire within me"

Skycap

"Skydiving -- Good to the last drop"

"Skydiving school is the only school where you have to drop out to graduate"

"Skylines are bar charts of a city's wealth"

Skyscraper

Skyscraper Curse (Skyscraper Index)

Skyscraper-Harlem Cycling Classic

Skyscraper National Park (Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.)

Skyscraper Sandwich

Skyville (Schuylerville, Bronx)

Slacker Capital of the World (Austin nickname)

Sladeo (Slalom + Rodeo)

Slam Gate (agent-operated gate, or AOG)

Slamboni (Zamboni-like machine for U.S. Open tennis)

Slang Jang (Slangjang)

Slaughter in the Pan (beefsteak)

Slave Codes (1850s)

Slaw Dog (Slaw Dawg; Slawdog; Slawdawg)

SleazyJet or SleezyJet (easyJet nickname)

"Sleep feels the way pizza tastes"

"Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation"

"Sleep on it" (not make an immediate decision)

"Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy"

Sleeping Beauty

"Sleeping is hard in the summer because blankets are too warm..."

Sleeping Policeman (speed bump)

Sleeping, Talking, Unlimited-texting, Dreaming, Yawning ("study" backronym).

Sleep-wokking (sleepwalking + wokking)

Sleeve-buttons (fishballs)

SleezyJet or SleazyJet (easyJet nickname)

"Slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace"

"Slice and dice" ("Slices and dices")

Slice (not piece) of pizza; Square pizza

"Sliced cucumbers are just salad cookies"

"Slicker than owl shit" (very slick)

Slider or Slyder (mini-hamburger)

SLIF (Sorry Liver, It's Friday)

"Slightly faulty quiz machine for sale. No questions asked!"

"Slim Jims are just spicy leather"

"Slim Jims are beef scented leather"

"Slim Jims are just beef Twizzlers"

"Slim Jims are just greasy meat sticks"

"Slim Jims are just long pepperonis"

"Slim Jims are just meat flavored Laffy Taffy"

"Slim Jims are just meat Twizzlers"

"Slim Jims are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat grease wrapped in leather"

Slime Square (slime + Times Square)

Slime Warner (Time Warner nickname)

Sling (Singapore Sling)

Sloppy Dog (sloppy joe + hot dog)

"Sloppy joes are just beanless chili sandwiches"

"Sloppy joes are just drunk hamburgers"

Sloppy Nachos & Sloppy Joes

Sloppy Saturday

"Sloppy joes are just chili sandwiches"

Sloshed Saturday

"Slow as molasses in January"

Slow Food

"Slow food is good food"

"Slow runners make fast runners look good. You're welcome!"

"Slow walk" ("low and slow" barbecue)

Sludge Report (Drudge Report nickname)

Slumlord

Slump (Apple Slump)

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting"

Slush or Slushie or Slushy (a flavored drink with crushed ice)

"Slushies are just boneless popsicles"

Slushify

Slutgers (Rutgers University nickname)

Small Business Saturday

Small drinking village with a large fishing problem (San Leon & Flour Bluff unofficial slogan)

Small Town, Big Lake, Great People (Mathis motto)

Small Town Charm, World Class Culture (Orange slogan)

"Small weekend is over.. now entering big weekend"

Albany: Smallbany or Smalbany or SmAlbany (nickname)

Smallbany or Smalbany or SmAlbany (Albany nickname)

Smart Alec

Smart Fork

"Smart girls open their minds, easy girls open their legs, foolish girls open their hearts"

Smart Money

"Smart water implies the existence of dumb water"

Smartaculous (smart + spectacular + fabulous/marvelous)

"Smarties are a poor man's M&M's"

SMASH (Salmon, Mackerel, Anchovies, Sardines, Herring)

"Smash the pastryarchy by eating all the gender rolls"

Smashed Potatoes

Smashed Saturday

"Smile. It will either warm their heart or piss them off. Either way, you win!"

"Smile. It's Friday"

Smiley Face

"Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface"

Smithsonian of Texas (Panhandle-Plains Historical Museum)

Smoasting (social media boasting); Smoaster (social media boaster)

"Smoke brisket, not crack"

"Smoke brisket, not drugs"

"Smoke brisket, not meth"

"Smoke brisket, not weed"

Smoke-Eater; Smoke-Chewer

Smoke-Filled Room

"Smoke tires, not drugs" (bumper sticker)

Smoke-vide (smoke + sous-vide)

Smokeasy or Smoke-easy (smoke + speakeasy)

"Smoked salmon should be sliced so thin, you can read the New York Times through it"

Smokeout (barbecue cookout/festival)

"Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it"

Smokra (okra with smoked paprika brine)

"Smooth jazz implies the existence of chunky jazz"

"Smooth jazz implies the existence of rough jazz"

"Smooth seas make poor sailors"

"Smoothie King implies the existence of Roughie King"

Smoothie (Smoothee, Smoothy)

"Smoothies are just cold fruit soup"

"Smoothies are just pre-chewed food"

"Smoothies are just pre-chewed fruit"

"Smoothies are pre-chewed fruit salads"

S'more (Some-more)

"S'mores are campfire Wagon Wheels"

"S'mores are inside out Moon Pies"

"S'mores are just hot Moon Pies"

"S'mores are just warmed up Wagon Wheels"

Snaccident (snack + accident)

Snackle Box or Snacklebox (snack + tackle box)

Snackrifice (snack + sacrifice)

Snackwave

SNAFU (Situation Normal -- All Fouled Up)

Snail (pastry)

"Snails are just a vehicle for garlic and butter"

Snake Hill Road (Richmond Hill Road, Staten Island)

Snake on Stilts (tall, thin person)

Snake Poison (whiskey)

Snakebit or Snake-bit (Snakebitten or Snake-bitten)

Snakehead

"Sneezed all over my toast. Can’t believe it snot butter"

"Sneezing with a mask on feels like shitting your pants with your face"

Snickerdoodles

"Snickers without peanuts is a Milky Way. Milky Way without caramel is a 3 Musketeers"

"Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches"

Snollygoster

Snoopy Bowl (Giants vs. Jets at MetLife Stadium)

"Snopes is for dopes"

Snopester (fan of Snopes.com)

"Snow banks imply the existence of snow bank heists"

Snow Cone

"Snow cones are just boneless popsicles"

"Snow hair, don't care"

"Snow happens, hot chocolate helps"

"Snow in November happens because people prematurely decorate for Christmas"

"Snow in October happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely"

"Snow is like a man" or "Snow is like sex" or "Sex is like snow" (joke)

"Snow is not a word, but an acronym for S-hit, N-o, O-ne, W-ants"

"Snow isn't dangerous, but ISIS"

"Snow: Shit No One Wants"

"Snow that doesn't stick is disappointment rain"

Snow-Trolling

Snowball or Sno-ball (shaved ice confection)

"Snowbanks imply the existence of snow credit unions"

Snowbird (northern tourist)

Snowflake (Fifth Avenue & 57th Street)

"Snowflakes are kisses from heaven"

"Snowflakes are winter's butterflies"

Snowmageddon (snow + Armageddon)

"Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled"

Snownado (snow + tornado)

Snowplow Parent (Snowplow Parenting)

Snowplowgate or Snowgate or Plowgate

Snowpocalypse (snow + apocalypse)

Snowtard (snow + retard)

"Snowy hair, don't care"

Snowzilla (snow + Godzilla)

"So a hipster walks into a bar and says, 'This bar sucks, It's full of hipsters'" (bar joke)

"So apparently 50% of homeowning is hearing strange noises and hoping they are made by ghosts..."

"So apparently they said frittatas, not free tatas. I'm banned from Golden Corral's breakfast"

So-Called Liberal Media (SCLM)

"So dry the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are spitting..." (Texas heat joke)

"So dumb you need a half hour to cook Minute Rice" (food joke)

"So dumb you need the recipe for ice" (food joke)

"So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter"

"So far I'm experiencing zero side effects from not getting jabbed"

"So far, so good!" (Empire State Building jumper joke)

"So fast, I turned off the light in my hotel room and was in bed before it was dark"

"So fast, I turned off the light in my hotel room and was in bed before it was dark"

"So goes the schools, so goes the community"

"So I need a uterus to have an opinion about women's health, but not to compete in women's sports"

"So if guns kill people, I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons..."

"So I’m ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face"

"So in order to enter stores now, do I bring a face mask, a brick, or both? 2020 is confusing"

"So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff"

"So I've decided that my wifi will be my valentine. I don't know, we just have this connection"

"So let me get this straight. Everyone hates white people, but everyone wants to live where the white people at?"

"So many coronavirus jokes are going viral, it’s a real pundemic!" (pun + pandemic)

"So many people in my area have head lice. The positive side is, we are a close nit community"

"So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them"

"So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them"

"So 'naked running' apparently means no music, no watch, no GPS... Now they tell me"

"So now that Christmas is over, can we just skip straight to Spring?"

"So often we rob tomorrow's memories by today's economies"

"So sad that in just a few days bread and dessert will have calories again"

"So, sue me!"

"So the bills are washed, the laundry is paid, the clothes are in the oven..."

"So the vaccine doesn’t stop the spread of the virus, but the vaccine passport does?"

"So they really clothes school tomorrow."/ "They shirt it down."/ "That socks."

"So this is Flushing"

"So tomorrow is Monday again? I can't keep living like this"

"So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It's not the end of the world"

"So when is our generation having a Boston tea party?? Because I'm tired of taxes"

"So when quarantine is over, will the producers of 'My 600 Pound Life' just find me?"

"So would hell" (rancher on being told Texas would be a great place if it had water)

"So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook"

"So you're staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations..."

"So you're telling me a blunt forced this trauma?"

"So you're telling me a monkey runs this business?"

"So you're telling me a monkey started this business?"

"So you're telling me this monkey owns a business?"

"So you've been eating hotdogs and McChickens all your life, but don't want the vaccine because..."

"Soak the rich"

Soap Night (October 30th)

SoBe (South Beach)

Sober Sunday

SOBO (sausage on bagel omelet)

SoBro (South Bronx)

"Soccer: 90 minutes of pretending you are injured. Rugby: 80 minutes of pretending you are not"

Soccer City, USA (Portland nickname)

"Soccer is 22 people running after a ball" ("Football is 22 people running after a ball")

"Soccer is a kick in the grass"

"Soccer is America's sport of the future -- and always will be"

Social Disdancing (social distancing + dancing); DisDancing

"'Social distancing' is an anagram for 'dissociating clan'"

"Social distancing is boring. 'Exiled for the good of the realm' sounds much more interesting"

"Social distancing is like a restraining order for everyone against everyone"

"Social distancing protocols are nothing to be sneezed at"

Social Justice Warrior (SJW)

"Social Justice Warrior implies the existence of Social Justice Mage and Social Justice Rogue"

"Social Justice Warrior implies the existence of Social Justice Wizard and Social Justice Rogue"

"Social media crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

Social Media Distancing (social media + social distancing)

"Social media don't ban hate speech. They ban speech they hate"

"Social media gives people egos they don't have in person"

"Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people..."

"Social media has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak"

"Social media is cool because you can say something to no one in particular and offend everyone"

"Social media is like a fridge..."

"Social media is the virus"

"Social media made y’all comfortable with disrespecting people & not getting punched in the mouth"

Social Media Redistribution Agency (SMRA)

Social Pisstancing (social distancing + pissing)

"Socialism: Equal amounts of zero"

"Socialism for dummies: Everything is free, and we're all out of it!"

"Socialism for dummies: 'Everything is free...but we're all out of it'"

"Socialism for the rich and capitalism for the poor"

"Socialism: Guaranteeing everyone equal amounts of nothing"

"Socialism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

"Socialism is just diet communism"

"Socialism is like a mouse trap. The mouse doesn't understand why the cheese is free"

"Socialism is resentment disguised as compassion enforced by tyranny disguised as tolerance"

"Socialism is the flat earth of economics"

"Socialism is the halfway house to communism"

"Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy"

"Socialism is workable only in heaven, where it isn't needed, and in hell, where they've got it"

"Socialism takes, capitalism creates"

"Socialism works so well that people build boats from trash to escape it"

"Socialist: A person too stupid to know they are a communist"

"Socialist jokes aren't funny unless everybody gets them"

Socialist Security (Social Security nickname)

Socialistacrat (socialist + Sandinista + bureaucrat)

"Socialists: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people..."

"Socialists are the flat earthers of economics"

"Socialists are the flat earthers of politics"

"Socialists are the flat earthers of the economy"

"Society gets the police force it deserves"

"Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people"

"Society is like a stew"

"Sociology is just applied psychology, which is applied biology..."

Sock and Sausage Fests (criticism of street fairs)

Sock Hop (Sox Hop)

Sock Puppet

SoCo (South Congress Avenue, Austin)

SoCo (South of Columbia University)

SoCon (Social Conservative)

Soda (for "pop")

Soda Jerk (Soda Jerker)

"Soda water is just liquid tv static"

"Soda water tastes like tv static"

Sodom by the Sea (Coney Island)

Sodom South (Greenwich Street between Carlisle and Rector Streets)

SoFi (South of Fifth Avenue or South of Flatiron)

SoFi (South of Fifth Street)

SoFlo (South Florida)

SoFlo (South Flores Street, San Antonio)

SoFo (South of Fourth Street)

Soft Despotism

Soft Tyranny

Softball Question

SoHa (South of Harlem)

SoHell (South of Hell's Kitchen)

SoHo (South of Houston Street)

SOHO candy bar (from Turkey)

SoLa (South Lamar Boulevard, Austin)

"Solar energy is the future, but it won't happen overnight"

"Solar power is the future, but it won't happen overnight"

"Solar power is the way forward, but it won't happen overnight"

Solarcoaster (solar stocks + roller coaster)

SOLE Food (Sustainable, Organic, Local, Ethical)

Solita (South of Little Italy)

"Solitaire is really just a needlessly convoluted way to unshuffle a deck of cards"

"Silly Straws implies the existence of Straws That Have Had Just About Enough Of Your Shit"

Solo Arts Festival

"Solo home runs don't beat you" (baseball adage)

SoMa (South of Macy's)

Sombrero (cocktail)

"Some cool photos of all the places I visited in 2020" (quarantine joke)

"Some day, Canada will rule the world. Then you'll all be sorry"

"Some days are better, some days are worse. Look for the blessing instead of the curse"

"Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days"

"Some days I swear I'm gonna give up. Some days I swear I'll never give up. Some days I just swear"

"Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins"

"Some days we need to drink our coffee strong, play our music loud and just get our stuff done"

"Some days you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. Other days you realize it's not just some days"

"Some days you make the coffee. Other days the coffee makes you"

"Some days you make the coffee. Some days the coffee makes you"

"Some days you're the donut. Some days you're the hole"

"Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue"

"Some debts are fun when you're acquiring them, but none are fun when you're retiring them"

"Some fairy tales begin, 'If i'm elected'"

"Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise"

"Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise"

"Some folks look at me and see swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking'" (George W. Bush)

"Some girls are made of sarcasm, wine, and everything fine"

"Some girls climb the ladder of success wrong by wrong"

"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply'"

"Some guy just honked at me to leave my parking space faster, so now I'll just have to sit here"

"Some guy proposed in the gym, but she said no. It didn't workout"

"Some herbs taste much better at Christmas. It's the most wonderful thyme of the year"

"Some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder of this treadmill"

"Some like carrots, others like cabbage"

"Some like it hot, some like it cold" (Pease Porridge Hot or Pease Pudding Hot)

"Some men are wise and some are otherwise"

"Some mornings it's best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it and suck"

"Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it and suck"

"Some of my best friends are Jews"

"Some of my friends are running marathons, half marathons, meanwhile I'm watching a show..."

"Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I'm watching a show..."

"Some of the best moments are never captured by cameras and are not posted in any social media"

"Some of y’all are broke because once u get money, your tastebuds become allergic to the food at home"

"Some of y’all are going to keep trusting the Government until your pronouns are ‘was/were'"

"Some of y’all are gonna keep trusting the Government until your pronouns are ‘was/were'"

"Some Old Indian Wisdom... 'Silence is always better than bullshit'"

"Some only dream of cake. Others bake it happen"

"Some people age like fine wine. Me? I aged like milk. I got sour and chunky"

"Some people are like blisters — they don't show up until the work is done"

"Some people are so busy learning the tricks of the trade that they never learn the trade"

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money"

"Some people battle their way to the top, while others bottle their way to the bottom"

"Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be"

"Some people dream of success; others stay awake and achieve it"

"Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, but not fire. Fire works"

"Some people grin and bear it; others smile and change it"

"Some people grow, other people swell"

"Some people have a vision. Others have a television"

"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair"

"Some people like to relax with a glass of wine... And others prefer a bottle"

"Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social network, not a diary"

"Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt"

"Some people recommend horse manure on strawberries, but I prefer whipped cream"

"Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say screw them!"

"Some people say I'm addicted to somersaults, but that's just how I roll"

"Some people say I'm crazy because I talk to my food. My sauces tell me otherwise"

"Some people want to check government spending and some people want to spend government checks"

"Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons"

"Some people wouldn't know tyranny if it covered their faces, locked them in their homes..."

"Some people write ‘lockdown’ because they can’t spell Kwarinteen"

"Some pumpkins" (something of importance)

"Some punkins" (something of importance)

"Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyway"

"Some things in life are okay to be left unfinished. Wine is not one of them"

"Some Village in Texas Is Missing Its Idiot"

"Some women want to be wined and dined, I want to be margarita’d and taco’d"

"Somebody asked if I have time to spell Wonton backwards? I said, 'not now'"

"Somebody broke into my house yesterday and stole all my lamps. I was delighted"

"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us"

"Somebody just gave me a free air guitar -- no strings attached"

"Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like, 'What the Hellmann?'"

"Somebody should market a beer called 'Occasionally' so I can say, 'I only drink occasionally'"

"Somebody's gotta win and somebody's gotta lose and I believe in letting the other guy lose"

"Someday is not a day of the week"

"Someone asked me for directions, so you can call me a real New Yorker"

"Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant 'autumn'"

"Someone asked me what my occupation was. I said I was always pre-occupied"

"Someone called the Kentucky Derby 'Amish Nascar' and my day hasn't been the same"

"Someone complimented my parking, leaving a note saying 'Parking Fine'"

"Someone crash the housing market again so I can buy a place to live"

"Someone deffo farts in packets of ham before they are sealed"

"Someone has glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it"

"Someone has glued my pack of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it"

"Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment The plot thickens..."

"Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper"

"Someone offered me a nice cup of green tea. So naturally I said yes, matcha-bliged"

"Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form"

"Someone open a food truck that specializes in dumplings. Call it The Dump Truck"

"Someone please call 9 Wine Wine"

"Someone removed the fifth month from all my calendars. I am really dismayed"

"Someone should rewrite the history books to refer to ancient spice traders as thyme travelers"

"Someone should start a rumor of a shortage of jobs so everybody panics and gets one"

"Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don't know why. It just doesn't add up"

"Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots"

"Someone stole some of my rap CDs. Oh well, no biggie"

"Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me. I was like, what the Hellmann"

"Someone who is busier than you is running right now"

"Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian; someone who makes you think, then laugh is a humorist"

"Someone who puts up Halloween decorations early suffers from premature ejackolantern"

"Someone wrote a book on clocks? It's about time!"

"Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries"

"Someone's stollen my German Christmas cake"

"Something in the water" (cause of unusual activity)

"Something rotten in the cotton"

"Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars"

"Sometimes all you need is a hug from the right person and all your stress will melt away"

"Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical...really...it's like the trash took itself out"

"Sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school. Oh wait, I'm at work"

"Sometimes I cook with hate just to see if anyone can really tell the difference"

"Sometimes I delete my own posts because I'm not the same person I was 4 minutes ago"

"Sometimes I delete my own posts because I'm not the same person I was 5 minutes ago"

"Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver"

"Sometimes I fall apart and that's okay" (taco meme)

"Sometimes I feel like giving up. Then I remember I have a lot of MFers to prove wrong"

"Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel...but that would only make more laundry for me"

"Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but you know what that means...more laundry"

"Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store"

"Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery store"

"Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It's called sleeping"

"Sometimes I like coffee more than people"

"Sometimes I make words up to sound more smartaculous"

"Sometimes I post shit just to see whose head explodes"

"Sometimes I read a text and think 'what a fuckin psycho!' and then I hit send"

"Sometimes I read a text and think what a fucking psychopath. Then press send"

"Sometimes I read a text and think, what a psycho. Then I press send"

"Sometimes I see people pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, and I'm like okay..."

"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits"

"Sometimes I take a bath because it's hard to drink wine in the shower"

"Sometimes I take baths because it's hard to drink wine in the shower"

"Sometimes I take baths because it's harder to drink wine in the shower"

"Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk"

"Sometimes I text while I'm driving. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk"

"Sometimes I tweet shit just to see whose head explodes"

"Sometimes I use big words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis"

"Sometimes I wanna quit social media but then it would be a better place without me so I stay"

"Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriend's head"

"Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriend's head"

"Sometimes I wish the government would just ban itself"

"Sometimes I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled my mouse wheel"

"Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat, but they feed off attention"

"Sometimes I wonder if all of this is happening because I didn’t forward that message"

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on"

"Sometimes I write 'drink coffee' on my to-do list, just so I feel like I accomplished something"

"Sometimes I write 'Drink Wine' on my to-do list, just so I feel like I accomplished something"

"Sometimes I write 'drink wine' on my to-do list so I feel like I got something done"

"Sometimes I write 'drink wine' on my to-do list so that I feel like I accomplished something"

Sometimes Islands (Lake Travis)

"Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough"

"Sometimes it's not about how good you are, but how bad you want it"

"Sometimes opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do"

"Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things"

"Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race..."

"Sometimes the best medicine grows from weeds"

"Sometimes the best trades are the ones you don't make" (sports adage)

"Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem"

"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot"

"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot"

"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is an idiot"

"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step"

"Sometimes we’re tested, not to show our weakness, but to discover our strength"

"Sometimes we're tested. Not to show our weaknesses, but to discover our strengths"

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink ..." (Babe Ruth?)

"Sometimes when I'm bored, I drink some water just to shock my liver"

"Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you"

"Sometimes you have to be your own hero"

"Sometimes you have to choose between planting roots and growing wings"

"Sometimes you just gotta throw up and start drinking again"

"Sometimes you just have to sit in the car and let the song finish"

"Sometimes you meet people who change your life for the better. Those people are called baristas"

"Sometimes you run into people who change your life for the better. Those people are bartenders"

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn"

"Sometimes your freedom is not taken away at gunpoint, but instead it is done one piece of paper..."

"Somewhere between living and dreaming, there's New York"

"Somewhere between living and dreaming, there's New York City"

"Somewhere, someone is showering with a mask on. I just know it"

"Somewhere there’s a bottle of Caesar salad dressing with an expiration date of March 15"

Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real ("sober" backronym)

Son-of-a-Bitch Stew (Son-of-a-Gun Stew)

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime."/"Is it something I said?"/"Yes."

"Song and dance" (slang, "false story")

Sonny Mae or Sony Mae (State of New York Mortgage Agency or SONYMA)

Sonoran Hot Dog (bacon-wrapped hot dog)

Sons of Anarchy (Jets defensive line nickname)

Sons of the Wild Jackass

"Stop killing doves to make Dove soap" (fake protest sign)

Sopaipilla (Sopapilla)

Sope (appetizer)

"Sopes are just flat tacos"

SoPo (south of power)

Soppin' Sauce (Sopping Sauce; Sop Sauce; Moppin' & Soppin' Sauce; Mop & Sop Sauce)

"Sore. The most satisfying feeling"

"Sore. The most satisfying pain"

Sorority

Sorority Sauce (ranch dressing)

Sorrento Cheese Festival

"Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough" (joke)

"Sorry for anything I said when it was 109° outside"

"Sorry for driving so close in front of you" (bumper sticker)

"Sorry for the inconvenience. We are trying to change the world"

"Sorry, I can't go to school tomorrow. I fractured my motivation"

"Sorry, I can't go to work tomorrow. I fractured my motivation"

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day and I was not expecting that"

"Sorry we're closed but still awesome" (store sign)

"Sorry, We're Open" & 24/8 (Magnolia Cafe, Austin)

"Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai" (restaurant joke)

SOS (sauce on the side)

SoSo (South of Southtown, San Antonio)

"Sotally tober" (joke on "totally sober")

Soubrette Row (West 39th Street)

Soul Food

"Soul! soul! for an apple or two. If you've got no apples, pears will do"

Soup-and-Fish (a dinner suit)

"Soup is dinner cereal"

"Soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie"

"Soup is just food flavored tea"

"Soup is just seasoned water"

"Soup is liquid comfort"

"Soup is salad tea"

Soup Jockey (waiter or waitress)

"Soup Nazi"

"Soup of the day implies another, possibly even seductive, soup of the night"

"Soup of the Day implies that there is another dark and mysterious evening soup...Soup of the Night"

"Soup of the Day: Whiskey"

Soup of the Devil (Devil's Soup) (=chili)

Soup of the Night (soupe de la nuit; soupe du soir; soup du soir)

Soup Sandwich

Soupervisor (soup + supervisor)

"Soup's on (the table)!"

"Sour cream is just savory yogurt"

"Sour cream is just savoury yogurt"

"Sour cream is the mayo of the taco"

"Sour cream is the mayonnaise of Mexican food"

"Sour cream is the mayonnaise of the taco world"

"Sourdough starter implies the existence of a sourdough ender"

South Brooklyn's Secret Suburb (Ditmas Park, Brooklyn)

South By or Southby (South by Southwest or SXSW)

South Carolina: Palmetto State (nickname)

South Carolina: "South Carolina is too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum"

South Carolina: Weasel (nickname)

South Dakota: Blizzard State (nickname)

South Dakota: Coyote State (nickname)

South Dallas (North Austin nickname)

South Hudson Institute of Technology (West Point nickname)

South of the Border Cider

South Texas Crossroads (Victoria city, county nickname)

South Waco Shrimp (chicken tails)

Southern Millionaires University (Southern Methodist University/SMU nickname)

"Southerners don’t measure seasonings. We just sprinkle and shake"

"Southerners saying 'sweet Jesus' implies the existence of umami Jesus, spicy Jesus, sour Jesus"

Southside Fade (haircut)

Southwaste Airlines (Southwest Airlines nickname)

Southwaste (for "southwest")

Southwest Burger (Southwestern Burger)

Southwest Salad or Southwestern Salad (Southwest Chicken Salad or Southwestern Chicken Salad)

Southwest (Southwestern)

Southwestern Crab Cakes (Southwest Crab Cakes)

Southwestern Egg Rolls (Southwestern Eggrolls; Southwest Egg Rolls)

Southwestern Pimm's Cup (cocktail)

Southwestern Vegetable Soup (Southwest Vegetable Soup)

Southworst Airlines (Southwest Airlines nickname)

Southworst (for "southwest")

Sovereign District (U.S. Attorney's Office, Southern District of New York)

Soviet Poverty Law Center (Southern Poverty Law Center or SPLC nickname)

Soviet Poverty Lie Center (Southern Poverty Law Center or SPLC nickname)

"Soy sauce in Spanish means 'I am sauce'"

"Soy to the World" (soy + Joy to the World)

"'Soybean' is a Spanish word which roughly translates as 'I am bean'" (joke)

Space Cake (containing cannabis)

Space City, USA (Houston nickname)

"Space cowboys imply the existence of space cows"

Spaceman (Austin American-Statesman nickname)

Spagging (photos of spaghetti eaters)

Spaghetteria (restaurant serving spaghetti)

Spaghetti and Meatballs (Meatballs and Spaghetti)

Spaghetti Bollock-Knees (Spaghetti Bolognese)

Spaghetti Bowl (Gulf Coast pipeline system)

"Spaghetti is just alphabet soup in cursive"

"Spaghetti is just Italian lo mein"

"Spaghetti is just Italian ramen"

"Spaghetti is just slimy bread yarn"

Spaghetti Park (William Moore Park in Corona, Queens)

Spaghetti Parm (Spaghetti Parmesan; Spaghetti Parmigiana)

Spaghetti Tetrazzini

Spaghetti Western (Chili Western; Green Chile Western)

SpaHa (Spanish Harlem)

Spailout (Spain/Spanish + bailout)

Spaldeen (Spalding High-Bounce Ball)

"Spam is the Velveeta of meat"

"Spam is the Velveeta of meats"

Spandering (Spanish-speaker pandering)

Spanglish

"Spanish Harlem" (1960)

Spankees or Wankees (NY Yankees derogatory nicknames)

Spankopedia (jocular spelling of "spanakopita")

Sparkling City by the Sea (Corpus Christi nickname)

"Sparkling water is angry water and I do not need that kind of negativity in my life"

"Sparkling water is just angry water"

"Sparkling water is just liquid tv static"

"Sparkling water is just spicy water"

"Sparkling water sounds so pure, so aesthetically pleasing, but in actuality? It is...repulsive"

"Sparkling water sounds way more delicious than it actually is"

"Sparkling water tastes how tv static looks"

"Sparkling water tastes like when your foot falls asleep"

"Sparkling water tastes like when your leg falls asleep"

"Sparkling water tastes like when your legs fall asleep"

Spasagna (Spaghetti + Lasagna)

"Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you"

"Speak in such a way that people listen to you. Listen in such a way that people speak to you"

"Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes"

"Speak truth to power"

"Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret"

Speakeasy (Speak-easy)

Speakstakes (Speaker + sweepstakes)

Speckenwolf Pizza (Specken Wolf Pizza)

Specuvestor (speculator + investor)

"Speeches are like babies -- easy to conceive, hard to deliver"

Speed Bump

"Speed bumps are just expensive inverted potholes"

"Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go?" (motor sports adage)

"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy"

Spellebrity (spelling bee + celebrity)

Spelling Bee (Spelling Match)

"Spelling is a lossed art"

"Spelling is my fortay"

"Spelling is not my fortay"

"Spelling isn't my fortay"

"Spend like drunken sailors" ("Spend like a drunken sailor")

Spendaholic (spend + -aholic)

Spexit (Spain/Spanish + exit)

Sphinx of Wall Street

Spice Mecca (Kalustyan’s nickname)

"Spice -- the fennel frontier"

Spicedictive (spice + addictive)

"Spicy food is BDSM for your mouth"

"Spicy food is like BDSM for your taste buds"

"Spicy food is like BDSM for your tongue"

"Spiderman has a winter jacket made of Mediterranean flatbread. It’s called a Pita Parka"

"Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs"

"Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs"

"Spill the beans" (to reveal a secret)

"Spill the tea" or "Spill the T" (tell the truth)

"Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon"

"Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon"

"Spilling a drink is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon"

"Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon"

"Spilling coffee is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon"

"Spilling coffee is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon"

"Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it"

"Spilling Parmesan all over my laptop gives a whole new meaning to Mac 'n' Cheese"

"Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon"

"Spilling your beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon"

"Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go"

"Spilling your full glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon"

"Spilling your glass of wine is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon"

Spillion (oil spill + million gallons/dollars); Spillionaire (oil spill + millionaire)

Spinach and Artichoke Dip (with tortilla chips)

Spinach Capital of the World (Crystal City nickname)

Spine of Texas (Interstate 35)

Spirit of Communication (Golden Boy)

Spit-take

SPK (salt, pepper, ketchup)

Splash Crash

Splash Out of the Garden (vegetable soup)

Splash Play

Splashtastic (the winning horse on a wet track)

"Split happens" (bowling saying)

Spokane (pork and beans)

Spokes-hack (spokesman/spokesperson + hack)

Spokes-idiot (spokesman/spokesperson + idiot)

Spokes-liar (spokesman/spokesperson + liar)

Spokes-tool (spokesman/spokesperson + tool)

Spokeshole (spokesman/spokesperson + asshole)

Spooktacular (spook + spectacular)

"Spooning leads to forking"

"Spoons are just little bowls with handles"

Spoonula (spoon + spatula)

Spornosexual (sport + porno + sexual)

Sport Pepper

Sports Capital of Texas (Round Rock slogan)

Sports Cosplay (fans wearing sports jerseys)

"Sports do not build character -- they reveal it"

"Sports fans wearing jerseys is jock cosplay"

"Sports is the toy department of life"

Sprots (misspelling of "sports")

Sportsmen's Row (Eighth Avenue, Park Slope)

Spox (spokesperson)

"Spread love as thick as you would Nutella"

"Spread love as thick as you would peanut butter"

"Spread my work ethic, not my wealth"

"Spreading liberty from a political party is like spreading chastity from a whorehouse"

"Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June"

Spring Black Friday

Spring Break for Nerds (SXSW nickname)

"Spring cleaning is my favorite way to find out I'm a hoarder"

"Spring cleaning is usually the time of year when I'm reminded that I'm a hoarder"

Spring Egg; Spring Egg Hunt/Roll (Easter Egg; Easter Egg Hunt/Roll)

Spring Forward, Fall Back

"Spring has sprung, the grass has riz, I wish I were in the chocolate biz! Happy Easter"

"Spring is a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be"

"Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring"

"Spring is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before spring"

"Spring is here! I'm so excited I wet my plants"

"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'"

"Spring is not the best of seasons. Cold and flu are two good reasons"

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush"

"Spring needs to stand up to winter and kick it in the snowballs"

Spring Roll Street (Spring Street)

Spring Sphere (Easter egg)

"Sprinkles are edible glitter"

"Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not toilet seats"

"Sprinkles are for cupcakes, not toilets"

"Sprinkles are for winners"

"Sprinkles are just glitter for food"

Sprinkles (Jimmies)

"Sprint to the podium" (player draft expression)

Sprinter (spring + winter)

Sprite Airlines (Spirit Airlines nickname)

"Sprite is a poor man's 7 Up"

"Sprite is just angry water"

"Sprite is just spicy water"

Spritzer

Sprummer (spring + summer)

Spucky, Spuckie or Spukie (sandwich)

Spur Capital of Texas (Gatesville nickname)

Sputniks (Metropolitan Opera House chandeliers)

Square Dance Capital of the World (McAllen nickname)

Square Meal

"Square meals make round people"

"Squat because nobody ever wrote a song about a small ass"

"Squats for the hots" (weightlifting saying)

"Squats for the thots" (weightlifting saying)

"Squats for the twats' (weightlifting saying)

"Squats? I thought you said, 'Let's do shots'"

"Squats? I thought you said shots"

"Squirrels -- Nature's little speed bumps"

"Sriracha is just hipster ketchup"

"Sriracha is just sexy ketchup"

Srirachapocalypse (Sriracha sauce + apocalypse)

SRO (Single Room Occupancy)

SRO (Standing Room Only)

"Security at every level of the airport is insane until you get to the baggage claim..."

St. John the Unfinished (St. John the Divine)

"St. Patrick’s Day is just Cinco de Mayo for gingers living in Florida"

"St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love beer"

"St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love beer and bad decisions"

"St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love fun"

"St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love Jameson and bad decisions"

"St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love whiskey and bad decisions"

St. Patrick's Day Parade

"St. Patrick's Day puns don't just shame you. They Seamus all"

"St. Patty's Day is just Cinco de Mayo for gingers"

St. Paul Sandwich

St. Wapniacl (Cabinet mnemonic)

Stable Row

Stacked Enchiladas (Enchiladas Chatas) or Mounted Enchiladas (Enchiladas Montadas)

Stage-door Johnny

Stage Mother

Stairway to Heaven

Stairway to Nowhere (nickname of Vessel at Hudson Yards)

Stalingrad & Poorski (Standard & Poor's nickname)

Stand and Deliver (singing with limited theatrical movement)

"Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone"

Standard American Diet (SAD)

"Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster"

"Standing less than 6 feet apart is the new first base"

"Standing Over Texas" (Tex Randall statue slogan)

Stank of America (Bank of America nickname)

Star (cocktail)

Star of the Texas Hill Country (Comfort slogan)

Star-Spangled Banner (Star-Spangled Flag)

Starbuckese or Starbucksese (language of Starbucks)

"Starbucks isn’t really that expensive when you consider what Victoria's Secret charges per cup"

Starbugs (Starbucks nickname)

Starfucks (Starbucks nickname)

"Starry is a poor man's Sprite"

Stars and Scrubs (player acquisition strategy)

Stars and Stripes (pork and beans nickname)

"Start a movement -- eat a prune"

"Start each day with a positive thought like, 'I can go back to bed in 16 or 17 short hours'"

"Start each day with a positive thought like, 'I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours'"

"Start each day with a positive thought like, 'I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours'"

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with"

"Start every phone call with, 'My battery is almost dead'"

"Start Here. Get There." (Austin Community College)

"Start to resist or cease to exist"

"Start unknown, finish unforgettable"

"Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get worse"

"Starve your distractions. Feed your focus"

Stat Rat (inhabitant of Staten Island)

State-Run Media (SRM)

Staten Island Chuck (groundhog weather prognosticator)

Staten Island (cocktail)

Staten Island Ferry (cocktail)

Staten Island Pizza Rats (Staten Island Yankees nickname)

Staten Island Sinker (spitball)

Staten Island Tuxedo

Staten Islander (inhabitant of Staten Island)

Staten Island's Crown Jewel (Sailors' Snug Harbor)

Staten Italy (Staten Island + Italy)

"States are the laboratories of democracy"

Static Island (static + Staten Island)

Statin Island (statin + Staten Island)

"Statism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory"

"Statism is the belief that a group of people who can't fix potholes can fix an entire planet"

"Statism is the national religion. Public school is where the catechism is taught"

"Statism is the utopian ideal that just the right amount of violence used by just the right..."

"Statism: The belief that you require permission to be free"

"Statism: The most dangerous religion"

"Statism: The world's most popular religion"

"Statistically, a gun is far less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator is"

"Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator"

"Statisticians love large sample sizes. As they say, the n’s justify the means"

"Statistics are for losers"

"Statistics are just people's stories with the tears wiped away"

"Statistics are like bikinis -- what they reveal is interesting, but what they conceal is vital"

"Statistics are like ladies of the night. Once you get them down, you can do anything with them"

"Statistics are to baseball what a flaky crust is to Mom's apple pie"

"Statistics show that criminals commit less crime after they've been shot"

Stato Institute (Cato Institute nickname)

"Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like i'm in for a wild December"

Statue of Justice or Lady Gotham (Batman's Statue of Liberty)

Statue of King George III (Bowling Green; erected 1770, destroyed 1776)

Statue of Liberty (Liberty Enlightening the World)

Statue of Liberty Play (football)

Statue of Liberty Play (football)

Statue of Liberty Slam Dunk (basketball)

Statue of Liberty Slam Dunk (basketball)

Stawk (stock)

"Stay alert. Don't get hurt" (safety slogan)

"Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution"

"Stay back 500 feet until I've had my coffee"

"Stay back! My 'low coffee light' is blinking"

"Stay home if u sicc. Come over if u thicc"

"Stay home if you sicc. Come over if you thicc"

"Stay home if you're sicc. Come over if you're thicc"

"'Stay home, save lives' should be America’s foreign policy"

"Stay home, save lives should be our foreign policy, not our public health policy"

"Stay hungry"

"Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself. Omg, I’ve become a housecat"

"Stay low, go fast, kill first, die last, one shot, one kill, no luck, all skill" (military slogan)

"Stay low, move fast, kill first, die last, one shot, one kill, no luck, pure skill" (motto)

"Stay on the ice and pay the price" (hockey adage)

"Stay positive, work hard and make it happen"

"Stay strapped or get clapped" (pro-gun adage)

"Stay strapped or get clapped -- Sun Tzu, 'The Art of War'"

"Stay thirsty"

"Stay tuned"

"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money"

Steak de Burgo

Steak Diane

Steak Fingers (Steakfingers)

Steak Fries (potatoes)

Steak Murphy

Steak Row (East 45th Street)

Steak Soup

"Steak: the only plant-based food you need!"

Steakery (steak + eatery)

Steakhouse Index

"Steal a hot stove and then come back for the smoke" (brazen criminal)

"Steal a little and they throw you in jail; steal a lot and they make you king"

"Steal a news van. It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?"

"Steel prices cause inflation like wet sidewalks cause rain"

"Steel sharpens steel" (wrestling adage)

"Steers and Queers"

STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics)

Stemwinder

"Step aside, Monday. This is a job for coffee"

Step Into The Real Texas (Amarillo motto)

"Step on a crack, break your mother's back" (sidewalk saying)

Stepford Media

Stephan Weiss Apple Awards (2011-2018)

"Stepped on my scale this morning and it said: 'Please use social distancing, one person at a time'"

Sterngating (stern + tailgating)

Sternie (Howard Stern fan; NYU Stern School of Business or Yeshiva University Stern College student)

Steuben Day Parade

STFR (Sell The Fucking Rip; Sell The Fucking Rally)

"Stick a fork in him (he's done)"

Stick Ball

"Kick save and a beauty!" (great save by the goalie in hockey)

"Stick to your knitting" (business adage)

Sticker Shock

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me"

Still Not Laughing (Saturday Night Live or SNL backronym)

Stinger (steak + chicken finger); Stinger Fries; Stinger Pizza; Stinger Taco

Stink Progress or StinkProgress (Think Progress nickname)

Stinkadena (Pasadena nickname)

Stinkberry (Pinkberry nickname)

Stinky Tofu (chòu dòufu)

"Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy. Happy New Year, everybody"

Stock Picker's Market (Stock Pickers' Market)

"Stock to a cook is voice to a singer" ("Chicken to a cook is like a canvas to a painter")

Stockalypse (stock + apocalypse)

StoHo (Stone House District)

"Stolen elections have consequences"

Stone Belt (Kidney Stone Belt)

Stooge

Stooge

Stoopball (Stoop Ball)

"Stop and smell the rosé"

"Stop animal testing! They get really nervous and give the wrong answers"

"Stop blaming your poor life choices on capitalism"

"Stop calling it a refund. You overpaid all year. You got your change back"

"Stop calling them 'the elites.' Call them by what they really are: 'the parasites'"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in California"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in California and New York"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Florida"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Illinois"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in New York and California"

"Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in New York City"

"Stop crying about your problems on internet. Bottle them up inside and disguise them with humor"

"Stop eating out, cook at home and you'll lose weight. Quarantine determined that was a lie!"

"Stop global warming before all the chocolate melts!"

"Stop global whining. Gag a liberal"

"Stop killing air to make airplanes" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing air to make AirPods" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing air to make airports" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing aligators to make Gatoraid" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing alligators to make Gatorade" ("Stop killing aligators to make Gatoraid" original)

"Stop killing babies to make baby oil" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing babies to make baby powder" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing buffalo for their wings" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing bulls to make Red Bull" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing butterflies to make butter" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing crocodiles to make Crocs" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing doctors to make Dr Pepper" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing ducks to make duck tape" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing fish for their fingers" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing French people to make French fries" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing French people to make French toast" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing gingers to make ginger ale" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing gingers to make gingerbread" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing gorillas to make gorilla glass" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing gorillas to make gorilla glue" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing mothers to make motherboards" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing mountains to make Mountain Dew" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing turtles to make Turtle Wax" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing turtles to make turtlenecks" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing volcanoes to make lava lamps" (fake protest sign)

"Stop killing wild turkeys to make whiskey" (fake protest sign)

"Stop locking down businesses and start locking up politicians"

"Stop making drama, you're not Shakespeare"

"Stop making dramas, you're not Shakespeare"

"Stop! Or I'll say stop again!" (British policeman or unarmed officer joke)

"Stop posting your problems on Facebook and drink alcohol like the rest of us"

"Stop posting your problems on social media and drink alcohol like the rest of us"

"Stop posting your problems on Twitter and drink alcohol like the rest of us"

"Stop praying. God's too busy to find you a parking spot"

"Stop repeat offenders -- don’t re-elect them"

"Stop saying candy corn is the worst candy. Don't forget that black licorice exists"

"Stop saying women don't cook like Grandma cause some of y'all men don't pay bills like Granddad"

"Stop saying you did your research before you got the injection. You are the research"

"Stop saying you love wings if you order boneless. You love nuggets"

"Stop taking Facebook so seriously. Most of your likes are coming from people on the toilet"

Stoplight City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

"Store what you eat and eat what you store"

Story Food

Story Stock

Storyfest Capital of Texas (George West)

Stoup (stew + soup)

Straight Up (undiluted)

"Strange how a teapot can represent both solitude and company"

Strap Buckner and the Devil

Straphanger

Straw-Hat Circuit

Straw Poll (Straw Vote)

"Strawberries really just said, 'Fuck it, seeds on the outside'"

Strawberry Capital of Texas (Poteet nickname)

"Strawberry is the only fruit with its seeds on the outside"

Strawberry Lemonade

Strawberry One-Act Festival ("American Idol for Playwrights")

"Strawberry shortcake, banana split, we think your team plays like -- " (sports cheer)

"Strawberry shortcake implies the existence of strawberry tallcake"

"Straws are the opposite of snorkels"

"Streaks follow streaks" (sports adage)

Streatery (street + eatery)

Streatery (eatery on a street)

Street Arab

Street Food

Street of Dreams (Wall Street)

Street of Dreams (Broadway)

Street of the Midnight Sun (Broadway)

"Street smart is something dumb people say when they want to use the word "smart'"

"Street smart is something dumb people say when they want to use the word "smart'"

Street Smart & Street-Wise

"Street tacos imply the existence of ballroom tacos"

"Street tacos implies the existence of boulevard burritos"

Streetery (street + eatery)

Streetery (eatery on a street)

"Streets of New York (In Old New York)" (1906)

"Strength: A river cuts through a rock not because of its power, but its persistence"

"Strength forged through sacrifice. Never forget." (USS New York motto)

"Strength is breaking a chocolate bar into four pieces with your hands — and then eating just one"

Stress-A-Ride (Access-A-Ride nickname)

"Stress balls have greater effectiveness when thrown at those who cause you the most stress"

"Stress doesn't really go with my outfit"

"Stress is caused by giving a fuck"

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet"

Stress Test

"Stressed, blessed and coffee obsessed"

"Stressed, blessed and coffee obsessed"

"Stressed, well-dressed and coffee obsessed"

"Stressed, well-dressed and coffee obsessed"

Stresspresso (stress + espresso)

Strike City

"Strike for show and spare for dough" (bowling adage)

"Strike the next question" (Texas lawyer joke)

"String cheese is just milk jerky"

"String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It's like you get to undress it"

"String tight for control, loose for power" (racket adage)

Strip and Flip (Strip 'n' Flip)

"Strip malls are a whole lot more family friendly than they sound"

"Strip malls aren't as fun as they sound"

"Strip malls aren't as sexy as they sound"

"Strip malls sound way cooler than they are"

Strip Tease

Striped Bass a la Manhattan

"Strippers don’t have A/C in their rooms. OnlyFans"

"Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. OnlyFans"

Strivers' Row (West 138th-West 139th Streets)

"Stroke of the pen, law of the land" (executive orders)

Stroller Alley (John Street in Lower Manhattan)

Stroller Nazi; Stroller Mafia

Strollerville (Park Slope, Brooklyn)

Stromboli

"Stromboli is just a sophisticated hot pocket"

"Stromboli is just fancy Hot Pockets"

"Strong is the new skinny"

"Strong. Light. Cheap. Pick Two" (mountain bike adage)

"Strong people don't eat helpless animals"

"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up"

"Strong people stand up for themselves; stronger people stand up for others"

Stronghorns (Longhorns + Charlie Strong)

'Stros (Houston Astros baseball team nickname)

Strudel (State Pastry)

Struggle Sandwich

Stubway (shortened version of a longer proposed subway line)

"Stuck on stupid"

Stuckholder

Stud Muffin or Studmuffin (an attractive man)

Student Affluence Test ("SAT" backronym)

"Student loan debt is the new indentured servitude"

"Student: You teach only useless crap! Teacher: Don't be so hard on yourself."

Studio Apartment

Studs and Duds (player acquisition strategy)

"Study finds that hearing an opposing viewpoint causes no harm at all"

"Study finds that hearing an opposing viewpoint causes no real harm"

"Study long, study wrong" (dominoes adage)

"Study Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return"

"Study (verb) -- The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby"

"Studying abroad? Take the broad out to dinner before you study her"

"Studying is my drug. But thank God I say no to drugs"

"Studying -- notice how they conveniently put 'dying' at the end of this word"

Stuff and Guff, or Gog and Magog (Herald Square figures)

"Stuff one's face" (to eat greedily)

"Stuffing is just moist croutons"

"Stuffing is just soggy croutons"

"Stuffing is just wet croutons"

Stump Speech

Stumpkin (stout + pumpkin)

Stumptown (Portland nickname)

Stupid Ass Test ("SAT" backronym)

Stupid Bowl (stupid + Super Bowl)

Stupid Party (Republicans) & Evil Party (Democrats)

Stupid Test Acknowledged As Ridiculous ("STAAR" backronym)

"Stupidity is the real pandemic"

Stupor Bowl (stupor + Super Bowl)

"Styles make fights" (boxing adage)

"Subaru spelled backwards is 'u r a bus'"

"Sublime: shady spot under a citrus tree"

Submarine Sandwich (Sub Sandwich)

Subourbon (sub-bourbon)

Subourbon (suburb + bourbon)

"Subourbon: Whiskey for the middle class"

Subpoena Cannon

"Substack implies the existence of Domstack"

"Substack implies the existence of Domstack and Switchstack"

Substandard & Poor or Substandard & Porous (Standard & Poor's nickname)

"Substitute teachers imply the existence of domstitute teachers"

"Subtitles are at the bottom of the screen. Domtitles are at the top of the screen"

"Subtitles imply the existence of domtitles"

"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them"

"Suburbs imply the existence of domburbs"

Subvertising (subvert/subversive + advertising); Subvertisement

Subway Acrobat

Subway Alumni

"Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car"

Subway Series (Subway World Series)

Subway Shmutz (Schmutz) Survey

Subway Super Bowl

Subway Warts

"Succeed and proceed"

"Success always occurs in private and failure in full view"

"Success comes in cans, not in can'ts"

"Success depends on the second letter"

"Success doesn't come to you. You go to it"

"Success goes to your head, failure to your heart"

"Success is 10% inspiration, 95% perspiration and 5% math"

"Success is a great deodorant"

"Success is a ladder which cannot be climbed with your hands in your pockets"

"Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired"

"Success is dependent upon the glands -- sweat glands"

"Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get"

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom"

"Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own"

"Success is like being pregnant" (joke)

"Success is normally found in a pile of mistakes"

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success"

"Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction"

"Success is outliving your failures"

"Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives"

"Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married"

"Success is that old ABC: Ability, Breaks and Courage"

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss in enthusiasm"

"Success is the art of making your mistakes when no one is looking"

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out"

"Success is when your signature becomes an autograph"

"Success occurs when your dreams get bigger than your excuses"

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go"

"Success trains. Failure complains"

"Successful entrepreneurs are givers and not takers of positive energy"

Successful Fire (Jewish Lightning)

"Successful pianists know the key to success"

"Successful pianists know the key to success"

Such A Bad Experience, Never Again (Sabena backronymic nickname)

"Suck it up now so you don't have to suck it in later"

Sucker Rally (Sucker's Rally)

Suckretary (suck + secretary)

Sucks Children’s Happiness Out Of Life ("school" backronym)

Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS)

Sudden Athlete Death Syndrome (SADS)

Sudden Fried Chicken (sudden + Southern fried chicken)

Sudden Invented Death Syndrome (SIDS)

Sudden Invented Syndrome Syndrome (SISS)

"Suddenly, staying at home in underwear doing nothing is the most proactive thing you can do"

Suddenlyitis

"Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion"

"Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret" (exercise adage)

"Sufferin' succotash" ("Suffering succotash")

Sugar Daddy

"Sugar, eggs, milk...I love it when a flan comes together"

Sugar Hill

Sugar Honey Iced Tea ("shit" backronym)

"Sugar is just gay salt"

"Sugar is sweet and so are you" ("Roses are red...")

"Sugar is the cocaine of the masses"

"Sugar is the cocaine of the food industry"

"Sugar is the cocaine of the food world"

Sugar Lander (inhabitant of Sugar Land)

Sugar Rush (Sugar High)

"Suggesting people can't live without government is like saying animals couldn't survive without..."

"Suggesting that people can't live without government is like suggesting animals can't live..."

Suicide Alley (I-35 lower deck in Austin)

Suicide Circuit (rodeo)

Suicide Hill

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me -- I quit!'"

Suicide Pinnacle (observation balcony at Singer Building)

Suicide Soda (Suicide Coke; Graveyard Soda; Swamp Water; Shipwreck; Hurricane; Tornado)

Sukiyaki

Sullivan County: Solomon County (nickname)

Windy City (Chicago nickname)

Whole Nine Yards (summary; Capt. Richard Stratton's 1955 attestation)

Summary, or, "How to waste $40 million, violate the City Charter, disregard our Civic Fame, and prom

Cape May (Summary & Preface & Acknowledgments)

"Why is New York City called the Big Apple?"

Big Taco (summary)

Motor City or Motown (Detroit nicknames)

Mile High City (summary)

Smoky City (summary)

Big Tomato (summary)

Tampa: The Big Guava

Big D (Dallas, Texas nickname)

Big M (summary)

New York of the North (summary)

Baghdad-by-the-Bay (summary)

Autism (summary)

Big Lychee (summary)

Big Durian (summary)

Big Mango (summary)

Big Strawberry (summary)

Big Raisin (summary)

I'm from Missouri -- Show Me (nickname)

Windy Apple (summary)

Big Apricot (summary)

Little Apple (Manhattan, Kansas nickname)

Mini-Apple or Minneapple (Minneapolis nickname)

Big Orange (California and Orange County-NY nickname)

Biggest Little City in the World (summary)

"Summer begins on the 5th of July in Portland"

Summer Camp for Geeks (SXSW Interactive nickname)

(Summer) Fancy Food Show

"Summer has arrived when the rain is warm"

"Summer is here. It's a hundred and fuck you outside" (very hot)

"Summer is over. Time to officially remember what day of the week it is"

"Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill"

"Summer is two weeks of bad sledding"

"Summer league can't tell you who can play, only who can't" (basketball adage)

"Summer means about three months of no school shootings"

Summer Melt (college admissions)

"Summer miles bring autumn smiles" (running adage)

"Summer nights and ballpark lights"

"Summer nights and bonfire lights"

"Summer on Yams, Winter on Yankees" & "Three seasons -- orange, vegetable and invalid"

Summer Play Festival (SPF)

"Summer should get a speeding ticket"

Summer Stock

"Summer Streets" (car-free streets during summer)

Summer Time (bread and milk)

"Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid"

"Summer wrestlers make winter champions" (wrestling adage)

"Summertime is always the best of what might be"

Sun Belt (or Sunbelt)

"Sun Chips are just adult Doritos"

"Sun Chips are just Doritos that do yoga"

"Sun Chips are just mom Doritos"

"Sun Chips are just whole grain Doritos"

"Sun Chips are like healthy Doritos"

"Sun Chips are the poor man's Doritos"

Sun City (El Paso nickname)

"Sun Drop is a poor man's Mello Yello, which is already a poor man's Mountain Dew"

"Sun Drop is a poor man's Mountain Dew"

Sun, Salsa and Soldiers (Fort Bliss/El Paso slogan)

Sun Slope (Sunset Park + South Park Slope)

Sundae Driver (vodka + orange juice + ice cream)

Sundance Eggs

"Sunday, a day to relax, drink coffee, and just be"

"Sunday carbs don't count. Those are the Lord's carbs and He wants us to be happy"

"Sunday carbs don't count. Those are the Lord's carbs and He wants you to be happy"

"Sunday is a day of rest. The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework..."

"Sunday is a day to thank God for all His blessings of the last week"

"Sunday is a special day because you get to regret the weekend AND dread the week"

"Sunday is a teacher's day of rest: the rest of the laundry and grade the rest of the papers"

"Sunday morning coffee is about pleasure. Monday morning coffee is about necessity"

"Sunday morning coffee is about pleasure, whereas Monday morning coffee is about necessity"

"Sunday night is just pure panic about Monday morning"

"Sunday, the day for the language of leisure"

"Sundays are no place for pants or responsibilities"

"Sundays have no place for pants or responsibilities"

"Sundays should come with a pause button"

Sundown Town

Sunflower Capital of Texas & Crossroads of Texas (Hearne nickname)

"Sunkist is a poor man's Fanta"

"Sunkist is a poor man's Orange Crush"

"Sunny D tastes like someone made a bet that they could make orange juice without oranges"

Sunny San Leon (San Leon nickname)

Sunny Side Up

"SunnyD is a poor man's orange juice"

Sunnysider (inhabitant of Sunnyside, Queens)

"Sun's out, buns out"

"Sun's out, guns out"

Sunset Capital of Texas (Oasis restaurant on Lake Travis, Austin)

Sunset State (Oregon nickname)

"Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful, too"

"Sunshine and Lollipops" ("Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows")

Sunshine State (Florida nickname)

Sunshine Vitamin (Vitamin D nickname)

SUNY-Harlem (Columbia University)

"Super Bowl implies the existence of a Super Plate"

"Super Bowl implies the existence of a Super Spoon"

Super Bowl of Fashion (New York Fashion Week nickname)

"Super callous fascist risky experimental doses"

Super Congress

Super Drum or Superdrum (Frank C. Erwin, Jr. Special Events Center, UT-Austin)

Super Flagger

Super Saturday or Panic Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)

Super Senior (student who takes longer to graduate)

Super Tower (Supertower)

Superbowlian (Super Bowlian)

Superflack

Superman; Superstar; Supermodel

Supermarket (Super Market)

"Supermarkets for Savings" (C-Town)

Superscraper (super + skyscraper)

Supertall (a skyscraper over 300 meters or 984 feet tall)

Supper Club

"Support our troops. Bring them home"

"Support our troops -- We'll need them to overthrow our government"

"Support the country you live in or live in the country you support"

"Support the troops. Bring them home"

"Support wildlife -- throw a party"

"Support your local anything"

"Support your right to arm bears"

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"Supposedly there’s a style of rice shaped pasta, orzo I’m told"

"Supposedly, this cow was farting a lot and ruining the environment. So I ate it. You're welcome"

Supreme Dorks (U.S. Supreme Court nickname)

"Sure every trip to the grocery store costs twice as much as it used to but hey..."

"Sure Happy It's Thursday" ("shit" backronym); "So Happy It's Thursday, Friday Is Tomorrow"

"Sure, I'll drink more water. Provided it's frozen and surrounded by alcohol"

"Sure you can trust the government -- just ask an Indian"

"Surely, not everybody was kung-fu fighting"

Surf and Turf (Surf 'n' Turf)

Surfboard Pizza

"Surfing the Internet"

"Surprise your girlfriend this Valentine's Day. Introduce her to your wife!"

"Surround yourself with coffee, not negativity"

"Surround yourself with nachos, not negativity"

"Surround yourself with people who feed your soul, not eat it"

"Surround yourself with people who have issues. Because people who have issues also have alcohol"

"Surround yourself with people who have issues. Because people who have issues always have alcohol"

"Surround yourself with people who have issues. Because people who have issues always have booze"

"Surround yourself with pizza, not negativity"

"Surround yourself with tacos, not negativity"

"Surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you"

"Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the mainstream media"

"Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the mainstream media"

"Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the media"

"Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the media"

"Survival Tip: If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax collector will be there shortly"

"Survival Tip: If you ever get lost in the woods, start talking about taxation..."

"Survival Tip: If you get lost in the woods, start talking about politics..."

"Survival Tip: If you get lost in the woods, start talking about the benefits of a vegan diet..."

"Survive and advance" (in a single elimination tournament)

Survivors' Staircase (Survivors' Stairs)

Sushi Burrito; Sushirrito (sushi + burrito)

"Sushi rolls not gender roles"

Sushi Sickness

Susie-Q or Suzie-Q or Suzy-Q (dance)

Suspended Coffee (Caffè Sospeso)

"Swallow the whistle" (not call a penalty)

"Swallow your pride occasionally. It's non-fattening"

Swamp Pie

Swankienda (swanky + hacienda)

"Swapping the witch for the bitch" (trading one addiction for another one)

SWATing (Swatting)

"Sweat is fat crying"

"Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily to grant your wishes"

Sweatember (sweat + September)

Sweatember (sweat + September)

Sweater Weather

"Sweater weather is better weather"

"Sweating harder than my ex tryna tell the truth rn"

"Sweating while shopping counts as exercise"

"Sweating while you shop counts as exercise"

Sweatshop (Sweat Shop, or Sweating Shop)

Swedish Automobile Always Broken (Saab backronymic nickname)

Swedish Broadway (Atlantic Avenue)

"Swedish Fish jellybeans is, in reality, Swedish Roe"

Sweet Alice (milk)

"Sweet, but twisted. Does that make me a candy cane?"

"Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to dis a brie?"

"Sweet fancy Moses!" (exclamation)

"Sweet Jesus implies there is an existence of spicy Jesus, salty Jesus and sour Jesus"

Sweet Lady Gumbo (New Orleans nickname)

"Sweet nothings imply the existence of bitter everythings, salty somethings and umami anythings"

"Sweet nothings imply the existence of sour nothings, salty nothings, bitter nothings"

"Sweet nothings imply the existence of sour somethings"

Sweet Potato Fries

Sweet Sixteen (sixteen remaining tournament players or teams)

Sweet Water Chemist (soda jerk)

Sweetest Town in Texas (Honey Grove nickname)

Swexit (Switzerland + exit)

Swiftly Enhanced Careers (Securities and Exchange Commission or SEC nickname)

"Swimming can be easy or hard. It deep-ends"

"Swimming in debt doesn't count as cardio"

"Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown"

"Swimming is good for your health, especially when you're drowning"

"Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning"

"Swimming: The only sport in which the coach yells at you for breathing"

"Swing hard, in case you hit it"

Swing State

Swing Street (52nd Street)

"Swing. Swear. Look for ball. Repeat" (golf saying)

"Swing with ease into the breeze" (golf adage)

"Swish!" (basketball term)

Swish Set

"Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries"

Swiss Enchiladas

Swiss Steak

Switch Building (109 Norfolk Street)

SXSW

SXSW (Somebody buy Some Whataburger)

Synagondo (synagogue + condo)

"Synonym rolls...just like grammar used to make"

Syracuse: New York's College Team (Syracuse University slogan)

Syracuse: "Orange in the Apple" (Syracuse University Orange slogan in the Big Apple)

Syracuse: Salt City (nickname); Salt Potato

Syracuse: Sewercuse (nickname)

"System change, not climate change"

Systemically Important Financial Institution (SIFI)

Szechuan Fire (pun on "set you on fire")

Szechwan Fire (pun on "set you on fire")

T-Dot or Tdot (Toronto, Canada nickname)

T-triple-P (titles, power, pork and patronage)

Ta-kill-ya (tequila)

"Tabasco is just sexy ketchup"

Tablecloth Barbecue (Tablecloth BBQ)

"Tables are for eating customers only" (restaurant sign)

"Table's not ready. Can you wait?"/"OK."/"Great! Take these plates to table six, then."

"Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books..."

Tabloid Headlines ("FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD")

Taco

Taco Breath (Burrito Breath; Enchilada Breath; Jalapeño Breath)

"Taco cat spelled backwards is taco cat"

Taco Guts

Taco Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Polaco or Polaco Taco (Polish Taco)

Taco Salad

"Taco salad is just lettuce nachos"

"Taco salad is just nachos with lettuce"

Taco Short of a Combination Plate ("not all there")

Taco Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Tech

Taco Truck (Taco Trailer)

Taco Tuesday

"Taco Tuesday Eve is why Mondays are great!"

Tacos Ahogados (drowned tacos or drowning tacos)

"Tacos alone will not fill the emptiness in your soul. You will also need tequila"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need beer"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need hot sauce"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need margaritas"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need tequila"

"Tacos are edible folders"

"Tacos are healthier than crystal meth"

"Tacos are just deconstructed cheeseburgers"

"Tacos are just meat folders"

"Tacos are just well-organized nachos"

Tacos de Trompo (Tacos Arabes)

Tacotarian or Tacoterian (someone who eats tacos)

Tacoterian or Tacotarian (someone who eats tacos)

Tacro (taco + croissant)

"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic"

"Tact is the ability to step on a fellow’s shoes without ruining his shine"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without letting him feel your boot"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without scuffing the shine on his shoes"

Tailgate Party or Tailgate Picnic (Tailgating)

Taiyaki (Japanese fish-shaped cake)

Take A Chance Airlines (TACA backronymic nickname)

"Take a drug test? I know all about drugs!"

"Take a song to church" (music saying)

Take A Walk, New York! (TAWNY)

"Take all you want, but eat all you take"

Take Another Plane (TAP Portugal backronymic nickname)

"Take care of you because if you died today, your job will be posted online before your obituary"

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live"

"Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband"

"Take half as many clothes and twice as much money" (travel axiom)

Take-Home Tune

"Take human bites!" & "(I'm not hungry) I'll just pick"

"Take it with a grin of salt"

"Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll" (grocery sign)

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila"

"Take me to your liter" ("Take me to your litre")

"Take off your mask so you can smell the bullshit"

"Take one for the team"

"Take only pictures, leave only footprints" (parks policy)

Take-Out (not Take-Away)

"Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise"

"Take the 'A' Train" (1941)

"Take the masks off. Smell the bullshit"

"Take the professor, not the class" (college adage)

"Take the Train to the Plane" & Airtrain

"Take the W out of Waffle House and it's just Awful House"

"Take this job and shove it"

"Take to the cleaners" (financially wipe out)

PM (precious metals)

"Take to the Water" (NY Waterway)

"Take your boy hunting and you won't have to hunt for your boy"

Takedown

"Takeoffs are optional; landings are mandatory" (aviation adage)

"Takes the cake"

Takeunder

"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea"

"Taking a girl's mask off is the new first base"

"Taking away the punch bowl" (Federal Reserve saying)

"Taking care of business" (TCB)

"Taking the first bite of a burger determines where the front of it is"

"Taking things away from people until they say yes is not a choice"

"Taking wealth from the air" (air rights)

Takoyaki (Japanese octopus ball/dumpling)

"Talent is God-given, be humble; conceit is self-given, be careful"

"Talent on loan from God"

"Talent recognizes talent"

"Talk dirty to telenarketers. They will hang up faster than you"

"Talk doesn't cook rice"

"Talk is cheap because the supply always exceeds the demand"

"Talk is cheap -- gasoline is not"

"Talk is cheap; money buys whiskey"

Talk Radio

"Talk. Text. Crash." (TxDOT slogan)

Talk Turkey (Talking Turkey)

"Talking Big Apple ’75" (song by Loudon Wainwright III, 1976)

"Talking Big Apple '75" (song by Loudon Wainwright III, 1976)

"Talking its book"

Tall-Building Lawyer (TBL)

Tall City (Midland nickname)

Tamal (Tamale)

Tamalada (tamale-making party)

Tamale Boat

Tamale Sandwich (hot tamale on a bun; hot tamale bun)

Tamale Town; Tamaleville (San Antonio nicknames)

Tamalero (tamale vendor)

Tammany Hall

Tammany Tiger

"Tampico is a poor man's orange juice"

"Tampico is a poor man's SunnyD"

"Tampico is a poor man's Tang"

Tampiqueña Plate (Carne Asada Tampiqueña; Steak Tampiqueña )

"Tang is a poor man's orange juice"

"Tang is a poor man's SunnyD"

"Tango is a poor man's Fanta"

TANJ (There Ain't No Justice)

Tank Town (small town)

Tanked Tuesday

Tanks for the Memories (Killeen slogan)

Tannersville: Painted Village in the Sky (nickname)

TANSTAAFMWH (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Minimum Wage Hike)

"Tapas is Spanish for 'not enough food'"

Taper Tantrum (taper + temper tantrum)

Taquito

Tar Beach

Tar Beach (rooftop)

Tartan Day Parade

"Tartar sauce implies the existence of Mongol sauce"

Tarzhay or Tarjay (Target nickname)

Tasso

"Taste makes waist"

Taste of Chinatown

Taste of the Nation Brooklyn

Taste of the Village

Taste of Times Square

Taste of Tribeca & Dine Around Downtown

"Tastes like cardboard"

"Tastes like chicken"

Tasty Tuesday

Tater Tots

"Tater tots are hash brown nuggets"

"Tater tots are hashbrown nuggets"

"Tater tots imply the existence of tater adults"

"Tater tots imply the existence of tater parents"

"'Tater tots' is short for 'potato toddlers'"

"Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows you can sit in place..."

Tavern Sandwich

"Tax and spend"

"Tax bads, not goods"

"Tax Day should be the day before Election Day"

Tax Donkey (Tax Mule)

Tax Payer (Will B. Johnstone cartoon character)

"Tax the people and tax with care..." (tax poem)

"Taxation is red. Taxation is blue. Taxation is theft. They don't care about you"

"Taxation is robbery. Inflation is theft"

"Taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in"

"Taxes are essentially just an annual subscription to the country you live in"

"Taxes are the fines one pays for the crime of being useful and productive"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid ass-rape in prison"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid going to jail"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid prison"

"Taxes are the price we pay to fund the things that you protest against"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid being kidnapped by the government"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid being murdered for not paying taxes"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid going to prison"

"Taxes are the price you pay to fund the things that you protest against"

"Taxes grow without rain"

"Taxes have consequences"

Taxes (Take the commercial rent tax, please!)

"Taxi" (1972); "Mr. Cab Driver" (1989)

"Taxi driver made them pray" (joke)

Taxi (the word "taxicab" and the "yellow" color)

Taxicide or Tax-icide (tax + suicide)

"Taxidermists really know their stuff"

"Taxidemists. They know their stuff"

Taxmageddon (tax + Armageddon)

"Taxpayer: A person who resents that death and taxes don't come in that order"

"Taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service exam"

Taylorite (inhabitant of Taylor)

TBM (tomato, basil and mozzarella)

TBOTFG (The Balls On This Fucking Guy)

TBTF Consortium (Financial Services Roundtable nickname)

"TCU is like a cockroach" (UT football coach Darrell K. Royal)

"Tea is a cup of hope in a world full of chaos and Mondays"

"Tea is a cup of life"

"Tea is for mugs"

"Tea is instant wisdom -- just add water"

"Tea is just hot leaf juice"

"Tea is just leaf soup"

"Tea is just seasoned water"

"Tea is liquid wisdom"

"Tea parties are for little girls with imaginary friends"

Tea-sipper or Teasipper; Tea-sip or Teasip (University of Texas at Austin student nickname)

TEA (Taxed Enough Already) Party

Teabagger or Tea Bagger (Teabagging or Tea Bagging)

Teabilly (tea party participant + hillbilly)

Teabonics (tea party + Ebonics)

"Teach 25 years, not one year 25 times" (teaching adage)

"Teach a man to fish and he has to buy a boat and a truck"

"Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

"Teach a man to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets tomatoes"

"Teach a manta fish..." (joke)

"Teach a women to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets zucchini"

"Teach, Love, Inspire"

"Teach your boys to be men before our enemies teach them to be women"

"Teach your boys to be men before the world teaches them to be women"

"Teach your boys to be men before their teachers teach them to be women"

"Teach your children about taxes -- eat 30% of their ice cream"

"Teacher -- A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them"

"Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning" (joke)

"Teacher: 'Is that a phone!?' Me: 'No. It's my calculator.'"

"Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again?" (joke)

"Teacher: Name a book that made you cry. Me: Algebra."

"Teacher: Name a book that made you cry. Me: Organic Chemistry."

"Teacher: Open up to page 26" (joke)

"Teacher, teacher I declare I see someone's underwear"

"Teacher -- The only job that makes you reconsider all future names for your children"

"Teacher: There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool" (joke)

"Teacher: What sound do pigs make? Student: FREEZE!"

"Teacher: 'Why are you late?' Student: 'Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?'"

"Teacher: Why are you late for class?" (school joke)

"Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Class started before I got here."

"Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" (joke)

"Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you. How could that happen?"

"Teacher: 'You missed school yesterday, didn't you?' Pupil: 'Not very much!'"

Teacherpreneur (teacher + entrepreneur)

"Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep"

"Teachers: Just log into Zablezoot, scroll down to the Zorkle app..."

"Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself"

"Teachers, remember that ANGRY mother who said she would have your job? Call her..."

"Teachers should wear body cams like police so parents can see how their children act.."

"Teachers tell us to follow our dreams, but get mad when we fall asleep in their class"

"Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded"

"Teaching children is an accomplishment; getting children excited about learning is an achievement"

"Teaching creates all other professions" (teaching adage)

"Teaching is a work of heart" ("Nursing is a work of heart")

"Teaching is like a bad marriage. You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids"

"Teaching is the greatest act of optimism"

"Teaching -- We're not in it for the income; we're in it for the outcome"

Teahadist (tea party + jihadist)

Tealiban (tea party + Taliban)

Team Titanic (2005-06 New York Knicks)

Team Turmoil (1977 New York Yankees, 2005-06 New York Knicks)

"Teamwork divides the task and multiplies the success"

"Teamwork: Ensuring that your hard work can always be ruined by someone else's incompetence"

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"

"Teamwork makes the dream work" (teamwork adage)

"Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself"

"Teamwork: Simply stated, it is less me and more we"

"Teamwork: The fuel that produces uncommon results in common people"

Teanami (tea party + tsunami election)

"Teapot is on, the cups are waiting" (poem)

Teapublican (tea party + Republican)

"Tearing up the pea patch" (a team is doing very well)

Tearrorist (tea party participant + terrorist)

"Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you results"

Teatanic (tea party + Titanic)

Teatard (tea party participant + retard)

Teavangelist (tea party supporter + evangelist)

"Technically, a lawless state would be crime free"

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, anyone who works in an office is an officer"

"Technically, every beverage is just flavored water"

"Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast"

"Technically, it’s not drinking alone if the bartender is there"

"Technically, origami is a kind of woodworking"

"Technically speaking, beer is a solution"

"Technically speaking, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet..."

"Technically, sperm is a bodybuilding supplement"

"Technically, televised sports are game shows"

"Technically, the air guitar is a wind instrument"

"Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating or drinking"

Technology (Free wifi!)

"Technology is great...when it works"

Tedium Tatters (Media Matters nickname)

Tee-Pee & "Time and Patience" (Texas and Pacific Railway Company nicknames)

"Teem was like a poor man's Sprite or 7 Up"

"Teenagers drive like they're going to die: elders drive like they have all the time in the world"

Teeny Weeny Airlines (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

Teflon Don

Teh Blahz (The Blaze website nickname)

Tejano

Tejolote (stone pestle)

Telecom Corridor (Richardson nickname)

Telegram Square and Globe Square (formerly in lower Manhattan)

Telegraph Capitol of America (Western Union Building, 60 Hudson Street)

"Telephone poles are just trees that got a job"

Telera (Mexican flat bread)

Telethon

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home"

"Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object"

"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other"

"Television is a writer's medium" (television adage)

"Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done"

"Tell it to Sweeney! The Stuyvesants will understand."

Tell-lie-vision

"Tell me and I forget; teach me and I may remember; involve me and I will learn"

"Tell me one thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on. Aisle weight"

"Tell me who told you about our Dutch national holidays."/"You mean my Holland days source?"

"Tell someone you love them today. Tomorrow is not promised"

"Tell the boss what you really think of him — and the truth shall set you free"

"Temper gets you into trouble and pride keeps you there"

"Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there"

Temple of Capitalism (Jarmulowsky Bank nickname)

Tempura

Ten Bagger (Tenbagger)

Ten-Foot Cop (NYPD Mounted Unit)

Ten Gallon Hat

"Ten-hut!" or "A-ten-hut!" ("attention" command)

Ten O'Clock Number (10 O'Clock Number)

"Ten packets of Walkers crisps have been sent to the ISS. It was running low on air"

"Ten percent of my ashes shall be handed to my agent" (show business joke)

"Ten percent of the fishermen catch ninety percent of the fish" (fishing adage)

"Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it"

Tenderfoot (or Tender Foot)

Tenderloin

Tenement House

Tenement House in a Shower of Rain (hamburger steak and gravy)

Tennessee: Hog and Hominy State (nickname)

Tennessee: Lion's Den State (nickname)

Tennessee: Mudhead (nickname)

Tennis "Bagel"

Tenny Runners (or Tennie Runners)

"Tent poles are not for pole dancing. Please find alternative ways to disappoint your father" (sign)

Tenther (Tenth Amendment to the Constitution adherent)

Teppanyaki

"Tequila! Because beer isn't fast enough!"

"Tequila because it's Mexico somewhere"

Tequila Chicken or Tequila Lime Chicken (Chicken Tequila)

Tequila Daisy (cocktail)

"Tequila. Fiesta. Siesta. Repeat"

"Tequila! Have you hugged your toilet today?"

"Tequila: Helping people wake up in strangers' beds since 1521"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila is a good drink. You drink it and you feel like a cactus"

"Tequila is a Spanish word meaning... 'I don't remember doing that'"

"Tequila is just dream-flavored water"

Tequila Mockingbird (cocktail)

"Tequila (noun) -- magic water for fun people"

"Tequila (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Tequila Salty Dog (Perro Salado)

"Tequila shots are so funny, sometimes you need the lime & other times you need to go the fuck home"

"Tequila shots because it's Mexico somewhere"

Tequila Shrimp (Margarita Shrimp Skewers)

Tequila Sour (cocktail)

Tequila Sunrise (cocktail)

Tequila Tuesday

Teriyaki (Teriyaki sauce)

"Term limits - one term in office and one term in jail"

Term Limits (yes, it's an issue again)

Terminal City (Grand Central Terminal)

Terrace Envy (Terrace Guilt)

Terriers (St. Francis College teams)

Terrific Tuesday

Terroirist (terroir + -ist)

Terror Vandalism

Terroracism (terror + racism); Terroracist (terror + racist)

Terrorganda (terror + propaganda)

"Terrorism is the poor man's war" ("War is the rich man's terrorism")

"Teslas don’t have that new car smell. They come with that Elon Musk"

Test Kitchen

Test of a Champion (Belmont Stakes)

"Test that assumption at your earliest convenience"

"Test your air bag here" (sign on rear of a vehicle)

"Testing yourself constantly for disease when you have no symptoms is a form of mental illness"

Tetrazzini (Chicken Tetrazzini; Turkey Tetrazzini; Spaghetti Tetrazzini)

"Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you’ll disappear"

Tex Appeal

Tex-Mex Addict or Mex Addict (cuisine enthusiast)

Tex-Mex (cuisine)

Tex-Mex Mile or Mexican Food Mile or Taco Row (South First Street, Austin)

Texaholic (Texas + -aholic)

Texalina (Texas + Carolina) barbecue

"Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan Spoken Here"

Texana or Texiana or Texicana ("all things Texas")

"Texans barbecue everything except ice cream"

"Texans measure distance in hours, not miles"

Texaplex

Texarkanian (inhabitant of Texarkana)

Texartini (cocktail)

Texas 1015 Onion & Texas SpringSweet Onion

Texas Adultery Law (lawyer joke)

Texas Apple Delight (cocktail)

Texas Basement (an attic)

Texas BBQ Trail

Texas Bean Dip

Texas Bilingual Lawyer (lawyer joke)

Texas Bird of Paradise (Flycatcher; Road-Runner or Roadrunner; Paisano; Clown of the Desert)

Texas Blessing

Texas Bloody Mary (cocktail)

"Texas born, Texas bred, when I die, I'll be a Texan dead!"

Texas Bowl

Texas Breakfast

Texas Bruschetta

Texas Brush Popper

Texas Bubble Gum Machine (police car)

Texas Bulldogger (cocktail)

Texas Bumper

Texas Burger (with pastrami)

Texas Butter

Texas Cadillac (pickup truck or Chevy Suburban)

Texas Caesar Salad

Texas Cake

Texas Cakewalk (a hanging)

Texas Cannonballs (black stuffed olives)

Texas Caviar (black-eyed peas)

Texas Celery (cardoon)

Texas Champagne (hot sauce)

Texas Chicken (ship-passing maneuver)

Texas Chicken (Church's Chicken in Mideast)

Texas Chowder (Texas Clam Chowder)

Texas Coleslaw (Texas Cole Slaw)

"Texas: Come for the adventure, stay for your wrongful execution"

"Texas cooking: Kill something, bacon wrap it with a jalapeño and grill it. Enjoy with cold beer"

"Texas could exist without U.S., but U.S. can't exist without Texas" (Sam Houston)

Texas Cow Chips

Texas Crabgrass or Texas Crab Grass (a spinach and crabmeat dish)

Texas Crud

Texas Crutch (using aluminum foil in BBQ)

Texas Cucumber (banana squash; hot pepper; watermelon)

Texas Death Match (wrestling)

Texas Deep-Fried Turkey

Texas Dim Bulb Award

Texas Dip (debutante curtsy)

Texas Dip (sandwich)

Texas Dirt (banana pie with crushed Oreos)

"Texas: Disproportionately Awesome"

"Texas does not...simply have indigenous dishes. It proclaims them" (Alistair Cooke)

Texas Draw (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Earthworm (a rattlesnake)

Texas Egg Roll

Texas Eggs Benedict (Tex-Mex Eggs Benedict)

"Texas even claims George Washington was a Texan" (joke)

Texas Exit (traffic term)

Texas Fairy Tale ("Y'all ain't gonna believe this" instead of "Once upon a time")

Texas Fifth (half-gallon of liquor)

Texas Fizz (cocktail)

Texas flag only one at same height as U.S. flag (urban legend)

Texas Flag "Pledge of Allegiance"

"Texas food groups in spring: BBQ, Tacos, Claritin"

"Texas forever"

Texas French Toast

"Texas Friendly Spoken Here"

"Texas fries everything but ice cream" (Edna Ferber)

Texas Fruitcake

Texas Goat Sauce

Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Texas Gulag (Gulag State of Texas)

Texas Haircut (financial term)

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes" (Yogi Berra?)

Texas has four seasons: Drought, Flood, Blizzard and Twister

"Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may"

Texas Hash

Texas Hat Trick (four goals by a player in an ice hockey game)

Texas Heart Shot (hunting shot)

Texas Hibachi

Texas Hold 'Em

Texas Holey Rock (honeycomb limestone)

Texas Hollywood (movie studio/theme park in Spain)

Texas Hooker (or Panhandle Hook)

Texas Horned Lizard Capital of the World (Kenedy nickname)

Texas Horseshoes (Washer Pitching; Washer Tossing; Redneck Horseshoes; Hillbilly Horseshoes)

Texas Hot Peanuts

Texas Hot Weiners (Texas Weiners, or Texas Wieners)

Texas House (Breezeway; Dog-Run House; Dogtrot House; Possum Trot House; Saddlebag House)

"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired"

"Texas: I’m ready for the week! I got my umbrella, my flip flops, turtle neck, my suntan lotion...

Texas Ironwood (mesquite)

"Texas is a blend of valor and swagger" (Carl Sandburg)

"Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession." (John Steinbeck)

"Texas Is Calling, Your Opportunity Awaits"

"Texas is like hot yoga without the yoga"

"Texas is neither southern nor western. Texas is Texas." (William Blakley)

"Texas is paradise for men and dogs, but hell for women and horses"

"Texas is so big that the people in Brownsville call the people in Dallas 'Yankees.'"

"Texas is the garden spot of the world" (Davy Crockett)

Texas Island Dressing

"Texas -- It's Bigger Than France"

"Texas: It's Like a Whole Other Country"

Texas Kool-Aid or Texas Cool-Aid (cocktail & wine & Crown Royal nickname)

Texas Lawyer Hunting (lawyer joke)

Texas Leaguer (Texas League Hit)

Texas Leica

Texas Lemonade (Texas Limeade)

Texas Lizzies (Christmas cookies)

Texas Manhattan (cocktail)

Texas Martini (or Mexican Martini)

Texas Medicine (mescaline)

Texas Mickey

Texas Midwest (Texas Midwest Day)

Texas Mile (country mile)

Texas Millionaires (cookies)

Texas Mudslide (cocktail)

Texas Nectar (cocktail)

Texas North or Texas of the North or North Texas (Alberta province nickname)

"Texas occupies all of the North American continent except Canada, Mexico and the rest of the U.S."

Texas of Africa (Nigeria nickname)

Texas of Asia (Mongolia nickname)

Texas of Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul nickname)

Texas of Canada (Alberta province nickname)

Texas of China (Szechuan/Sichuan province nickname)

Texas of Costa Rica (Guanacaste province nickname)

Texas of Cuba (Camagüey province nickname)

Texas of Germany (Bavaria nickname)

Texas of Kazakhstan (Shymkent city nickname)

Texas of Panama (Chiriqui province nickname)

Texas of Russia (Russian Texas; Texas of the Soviet Union)

Texas of South Africa (Vryburg, North West province nickname)

Texas of Venezuela (Zulia state nickname)

Texas oil well sayings

Texas Omelet

"Texas, One and Indivisible"

Texas Outhouse (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Panhandle (or, Texas Pan Handle)

Texas Pea Sheller

Texas Peach Cobbler

Texas Pecan Pie

Texas Penny ($100 bill)

Texas Pete (hot sauce from Winston-Salem, NC)

Texas Philly (sandwich)

Texas Pink Cloud (cocktail)

Texas Popcorn (fried okra; stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Potatoes

"Texas potholes will change your radio station and unlock your doors"

Texas Punch

Texas Quiche

Texas Rain Gauge (upside down bottlecap)

Texas Ranch Beans

Texas Ranger Nine-Bean Soup

Texas Ratio

Texas Ratio

Texas Rattlesnake (cocktail)

Texas Rice Salad (Texmati Rice Salad)

Texas Riviera (Texas Gulf Coast)

Texas Road Fairy

"Texas Roadhouse is a poor man's Outback Steakhouse"

Texas Roadkill (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Rock Rose (Pavonia lasiopetala)

Texas Roll (sushi)

Texas Room (family room)

Texas Rose (cocktail)

Texas Rose (onion appetizer)

Texas Sausage Trail

Texas Schmexas (Texas Shmexas)

Texas Scramble (golf)

Texas Scramble (scrambled egg and other dishes)

Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy

Texas Sheath Cake

Texas Sheet Cake

Texas Shootout or Texas Showdown (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Shuffle (jury selection)

Texas Spaghetti (or Mexican Spaghetti)

"Texas Stadium has a hole in the roof so God can watch his favorite team" (D. D. Lewis)

Texas Stop

Texas Stop Sign (Dairy Queen)

"Texas Stories Told Here...Some True"

Texas Strangers (Texas Rangers baseball team unofficial nickname)

Texas Strategy (Paul Krugman NY Times column)

Texas Straw Hat (similar to Frito pie)

Texas Strawberries (beans; jalapenos; shelled corn)

Texas Strong

Texas Sunrise (Big Red + tequila)

Texas Sunshine (citrus-ade)

Texas Sweat (cocktail)

Texas Sweet Onion

Texas Switch

Texas T-Bone Corridor (high-speed rail)

Texas T-Shirt (disposable toilet seat cover)

Texas Tacks (thorns)

Texas Taffy (beef jerky for dogs)

"Texas tall talk is not a lie; it is an expression of a larger truth." (Paul Crume)

Texas Tapenade

Texas Tarragon (Mexican Mint Marigold)

Texas Tea (oil, alcoholic drink, iced tea, et al.)

Texas Tender

Texas Three-Kick Rule (lawyer joke)

Texas Three-Step (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Timex (gold Rolex watch)

"Texas to the Bone" (Saltgrass Steak House)

Texas Toast

Texas Tommy (dance)

Texas Tommy (ice-box cookies; hot dogs)

Texas Tonion (LongHorn Steakhouse)

Texas Toothpick (onion and jalapeño strips)

Texas Tornado Cake

Texas Torpedo (stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Tough (Texas criminal justice)

Texas Tower (a radar tower)

Texas Trash (Chex mix dish)

Texas Trash (chocolate-covered candy)

Texas Treasure Chest (Texas Facilities Commission store)

Texas Triangle (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Trifecta (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio/Austin)

Texas Trinity (brisket/ribs/sausage; mustard/mayo/pickles)

Texas Trio (steak, chicken, shrimp)

Texas Tumbleweeds (snack)

Texas Turkey (armadillo)

Texas Tuscan (architecture)

Texas Tuxedo

Texas Twinkies (bacon and brisket wrapped cream cheese-filled jalapeño poppers)

Texas Twist or Texas Tornado or Country Boy (three-card monte scam)

Texas Twister (barbecued cutlets)

Texas Twister (chili dogs)

Texas Twister (drink)

Texas Two-Step (dance)

Texas Two-Step (Primary & Caucus voting; Primacaucus; Primaucus; Primacus; Caucumary; Caucary)

Texas U-Turn (Texas Turnaround)

Texas University (t.u.)

"Texas weather just be throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers"

Texas Wedge (golf putter)

Texas Wedge (salad)

Texas Wedgie

"Texas -- Where men are men and women are governors"

"Texas: Wide Open for Business"

"Texas will again lift up its head, and stand among the nations" (Sam Houston)

Texas With a Little Something Extra (Beaumont slogan)

"Texas women are like the weather in Texas -- unpredictable and bipolar"

"Texas women are like the weather -- so hot"

Texas Wontons (Tex-Mex Wontons)

"Texas -- You can see farther and see less than any place on earth"

Texasing ("Texas" as a verb)

Texass ("The jackass is the finest flower of Texass" -- Groucho Marx)

Texatini (cocktail)

Texcation (Texas + vacation)

Texecution (Texecuted)

Texian

Texicali (Texicalli)

Texican

Texification/Texify (Texafication/Texafy)

Texile (Texas Exile)

Texit (Texas + exit)

Texlahoma (Tex-La-Homa)

Texmati (rice)

Texodus (Texas Exodus)

Texoma (Texas + Oklahoma)

Texpatriate (Texpat)

Texsucks (Texsux)

"Text without context is pretext"

Texxas

TGI Friday's (1965); "Thank God It's Friday" or "TGIF" (1934)

Thai Iced Tea (Cha Yen)

"Thank God for Mississippi" ("Thank Heaven for Mississippi")

"Thank God it's Monday...said no one ever"

"Thank God It's Almost Friday" or "Thank Goodness It's Almost Friday" (TGIAF)

"Thank God It's Fermented" (TGIF)

"Thank God It's Friday" or "Thank Goodness It's Friday" (TGIF)

"Thank God it's Friday. Only 40 more years of work left!"

"Thank God it‘s Friday. Only 40 more years of working"

"Thank Goodness It's Almost Friday" or "Thank God It's Almost Friday" (TGIAF)

"Thank Goodness It's Friday" or "Thank God It's Friday" (TGIF)

"Thank you, 5" ("Thank you, five")

"Thank you, Cheese Nips, for being a delicious cracker & not the name of a strip club in Wisconsin"

"Thank you, craft beer, for making my alcoholism seem like a neat hobby"

"Thank you, five" ("Thank you, 5")

"Thank you for calling the incontinence hotline. Please hold"

"Thank you, student loans. How will I ever repay you?"

"Thanks a melon" (thanks a million + melon)

"Thanks to Covid, my glove box is now my mask box"

"Thanks to Millennials I now have to specify if I want my coffee hot or cold"

Thankscaking (Thanksgiving + cake)

"Thanksgiving calories don't count"

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year"

"Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience. It's like an orgy that's rated G"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving is for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory"

"Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God"

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants"

"Thanksgiving, to be truly Thanksgiving, is first thanks, then giving"

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day"

Thanksgivukah or Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Chanukah/Hanukkah)

"Thar's gold in them thar hills"

"That awful moment when you realize you left your to-go box on the table at the restaurant"

"That awkward moment when you don’t know what to do with your life when you leave the computer"

"That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do"

"That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything..."

"That awkward moment when you leave a store and didn't buy anything..."

"That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, 'I got nothing'"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a dude"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a guy"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a man"

"That awkward moment when you've realized your muffin top has now become a pound cake"

"That ball is gone, goodbye" (baseball home run call)

"That bit between Christmas and New Year where you don't know what day it is"

"That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long"

"What do you call bread that’s into BDSM?"/"Gluten for punishment."

"That dog won't hunt" (LBJ)

"That face mask you were duped into wearing symbolizes you losing your freedom of speech"

"That face you make after they take your guns" (skulls)

"That has too much cheese on it...said no one ever"

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it"

"That makes as much sense as government cheese"

"That moment when your high school music is on the oldies station"

"That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'"

That Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"That smells like lentils and desperation"

"That stupid walk you do when someone's mopping a floor and you know you're going to walk over it.."

"That twenty in the gas tank ain't twentying like it used to" (inflation joke)

"'That wasn't chicken.' Worst fortune cookie ever"

"That wasn't very cash money of you" (not cool)

"That'll be the day!" (Buddy Holly; John Wayne; Kellogg's cereal)

"That's a nice ham you got there..." (joke)

"That's a spicy meatball!"

"That's all she wrote"

"That's all there is -- there isn't any more!" (Broadway curtain-call speech)

"That's how we do it in Brooklyn" ("This is how we do it in Brooklyn")

"That's it, Fort Pitt" (Fort Pitt Beer)

"That's racing" ("That's racin'")

"That's show business" ("That's show biz")

"That's the tea" (that's the truth)

"That's the way baseball go"

"That's the way the cookie crumbles"

"That's too much cheese...said no one ever"

"That's what cheese said"

"That's what I do. I drink beer. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I do. I drink coffee. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I do. I drink wine. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I like about Texas"

"That's what money's for -- to spend"

"That's what speed do" (baseball saying)

"That's why they make vanilla and chocolate ice cream" (i.e., people have different tastes)

"That's why they play the games" (sports adage)

"That's yacht racing"

"The #1 Family Shoe Chain in NY/NJ" (Fabco Shoes)

"The 12 Days of 2020" (song parody)

"The 12 Days of Corona" (song parody)

"The 12 Days of Covid" (song parody)

"The 12-Step Chocoholics Program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate"

"The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people. Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen"

"The 21st century: Where deleting history is more important than making it"

"The 24-hour Indian restaurant is a naan-stop"

"The 2nd Amendment is my gun permit"

"The 3 C's of life: Choices, Chances and Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance"

"The 5 days between Christmas and New Year where you don’t know what day it is"

"The 5 second rule does not apply when you have a 2 second dog"

"The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)" (1966)

"The 8th deadly sin is leaving a friend a voicemail"

"The Actor's Resource" (Back Stage)

"The adult version of 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' is 'glasses, wallet, keys and phone'"

"The adult version of 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes' is now 'Mask, wallet, keys and phone'"

"The adult version of the ice cream machine being broken at McDonald's is the car wash being broken"

"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise wealth"

"The aim of a college education is to teach you to know a good man when you see one"

"The air fryer was probably invented by a guy who just wanted reheated french fries to taste good"

"The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face?"

"The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage"

"The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor"

The American Dream City (Arlington, TX slogan)

"The American flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies from the last breath..."

"The American flag on the moon has turned white. It's now a French flag"

"The American people don't believe anything until they see it on television"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but I always like to check"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine, but you should at least check"

"The answer to 1984 is 1776"

"The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time"

"The apple never falls far from the tree" (proverb)

The Apple (sculpture in Hudson River Park)

The Apple (sculpture in Hudson River Park, 2004)

"The area of space in the donut after you remove the donut hole is a don'tnut"

"The ark was built by amateurs, but professionals built the Titanic"

"The astronomer's research project didn't win a Galaxy Award, but he received a constellation prize"

"The atomic structure of salad is proton, neutron, electron and crouton"

"The audience never goes out humming the scenery" (musical theatre adage)

"The August place to be" (Saratoga Race Course)

"The average ghost is mean spirited"

"The average home has two washing machines: 1) The real washing machine, and 2) Television"

"The average person thinks he isn't"

"The awkward moment when you buy a hula-hoop and it fits"

"The backup quarterback is the most popular player on a (losing) team"

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot"

"The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs"

"The ball never gets tired" (soccer adage)

"The ball will find you" (baseball adage)

"The bank is open for [player name]" (basketball bank shot catchphrase)

"The bank wants to repossess my tree house. I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches"

"The Banking Alternative for the 21st Century" (NYC Check Express)

"The bar sign said: 'Topless & Bottomless.' I went inside and nobody was there!"

The Bard's Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth' curse)

"The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me'" (joke)

"The bases are F.O.B. (full of Brooklyns)"

"The batter with the butter is the batter that is better!" (tongue twister)

"The battle is won when the average American regards a corporate journalist..."

"The Beach Boys walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The bears have Thanksgiving, but the bulls have Christmas" (or, "The bulls have Thanksgiving...")

The Beast (2 subway line)

"The Beat of New York" (WKTU-FM)

The Beautiful Game (soccer)

"The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water..."

"The beginning of eternity. The end of time and space" (riddle)

"The belief that government is a necessary evil is a belief that evil is necessary"

"The belt is the original wearable fitness tracker"

"The best ability is availability"

"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle"

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best beer in a homebrewed batch is the last one you drink"

"The best camera is the one that's with you" (photography adage)

"The best cure for a recession is a recession"

"The best day between yesterday and tomorrow is Saturday"

"The best day...two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine"

"The best exercise is the one you will do" (exercise adage)

"The best exercise to lose weight is to push yourself away from the table"

"The best exercise to lose weight is to shake your head back and forth no (more food)"

"The best fertilizer is the gardener's shadow"

"The best friendships are the ones that you met at a job that neither of you work at anymore"

"The best gun is the one you have with you"

"The best house wine is on the house"

"The best imaginary dish to say in a MA accent 'garlic braised arctic char with artichoke hearts'"

"The best is yet to come. Unless you're out of wine"

"The best jeans and sneaker stores in America" (V.I.M.)

"The best-kept secret of medicine is that the body heals itself if we create the right conditions"

"The best kind of morning conversation is the one that doesn't actually occur"

"The best librarians are certified in reshushitation"

"The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it"

"The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender."

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family"

"The best part of a cucumber is the worst part of a watermelon"

"The best pass defense is a good pass rush" (football adage)

"The best pitch is strike one" (baseball adage)

"The best players win MVPs; the best teams win championships"

"The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today"

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today"

"The best program is the one you're not on"

"The best public servant is the worst one"

"The best restaurant on this block" (restaurant sign joke)

"The Best Show in Town" (Texas Legislature)

"The best social program is a job"

"The best stimulus package would be a 0% income tax"

"The best teams make the playoffs; the hottest team wins the championship"

"The best thing about Austin is that it's so close to Texas"

"The best thing about freshmen is that they become sophomores"

"The best thing money can buy is financial freedom"

"The best thing one can do when it is raining is to let it rain"

"The best thing to come out of Dallas/Houston is I-45"

"The best things in life are cruelty free" (vegan saying)

"The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them"

"The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive"

"The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant"

"The best things in life make you drunk, fat or pregnant"

"The best things in life make you fat, drunk or pregnant"

"The best throw of the dice is to throw them away" (gambling adage)

"The best time on a clock is 6:30. Hands down"

"The best time to buy an antique is when you see it"

"The best time to exercise is whenever you can"

"The best time to invest is when you have the money"

"The best time to make a sale is right after a sale"

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now"

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does"

"The best time to work out is whenever you can"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get first"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get now"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get the soonest"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get today"

"The best view comes after the hardest climb"

"The best vitamin for making friends is B-1"

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one"

"The best way to celebrate Leap Day is coming to the Empire State Building"

"The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line"

"The best way to control the opposition is to lead it"

"The best way to cook fish is to have a slow waiter walk it through a hot kitchen"

"The best way to cut carbs is with a knife and fork"

"The best way to eat Peeps is to throw them in the trash"

"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it"

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"

"The best way to finish an unpleasant task is to get started"

"The best way to follow the science is to follow the silenced"

"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it"

"The best way to go into business is with high hopes and low overhead"

"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas"

"The best way to learn is to teach"

"The best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife"

"The best way to predict the future is to design it"

"The best way to refute a gambit is to accept it" (chess adage)

"The best way to rob a bank is to own one"

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear"

"The best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun"

"The best way to stop the next pandemic is to arrest the people who started the first one"

"The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions of you"

"The best wines are the ones we drink with friends"

"The best wood in an amateur's bag is a pencil" (golf joke)

"The better the view, the worse the food"

"The Bible must be considered as the great source of all the truth"

"The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine"

The Big Apple Band (1972-1977); Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band (1976)

The Big Apple Band (1972-1977); Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band (1976)

The Big Apple (bar in Ballyforan, Ireland, 2003?-present)

The Big Apple Bash (Jay McShann album, 1979)

The Big Apple Bash (Jay McShann album, 1979)

"The Big Apple Bites" (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode, 2018)

"The Big Apple Can Bite Me" (Cybill episode, 1996)

"The Big Apple" (Gimme a Break! episode, 1984)

The Big Apple (ice cream shake at Forty Deuce in Columbus, OH, 2022)

"The Big Apple" (instrumental song by Hugh Masekela, 1972)

"The Big Apple" (instrumental song by Hugh Masekela, 1972)

"The Big Apple" (Kate Plus 8 episode, 2010)

The Big Apple (novel by Pat Booth, 1984)

The Big Apple Shopping Bazaar (Delray Beach, FL, 2013-present)

"The Big Apple" (Strut episode, 2016)

"The Big OD" & Slowdeatha (Odessa nicknames)

The Big Sleep (a long period of no growth)

"The bigger the base, the higher in space" (Wall Street adage)

"The bigger the Cheerio, the better it tastes" (donut saying)

"The bigger the field, the bigger the certainty" (horse racing adage)

"The bigger the government, the smaller the citizen"

"The bigger the top, the bigger the drop" (Wall Street adage)

"The biggest doves in Washington wear uniforms"

"The biggest lie ever told is any voicemail greeting that says 'sorry I missed your call'"

"The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one"

"The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice"

"The blackest land and the whitest people" (Greenville, Hunt County, TX)

The Block Beautiful (East 19th Street, Gramercy Park)

"The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal"

"The body achieves what the mind believes"

"The body heals itself if we create the right conditions for it"

"The body heals with play. The mind heals with laughter. The spirit heals with joy"

"The bond market is smarter than the stock market"

"The book 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' taught me that I can binge eat and take a two-week nap"

"The boss said I was tardy" (joke)

"The bottom of the fifth" (alcohol saying)

"The Bowery" (1892)

"The Boys on the Big Apple" (Harper's Bazaar article, May 1947)

"The brain never stops working until you start to speak in public"

"The brain starts working when you get up, and doesn't stop until you get into the office"

"The brave don’t live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all"

"The bread never falls but on its buttered side"

"The bright side of Christmas... Everyone at Walmart will be wearing new pajamas"

"The British cannibal enjoyed snacking on fish and chaps"

"The broccoli says, 'I look like a small tree' ..." (joke)

"The broker made money and the brokerage firm made money – and two out of three ain’t bad"

"The Bronx" (Batley, England)

The Bronx (Da Bronx)

"The Bronx is burning" (1972; alleged Howard Cosell quote during the 1977 World Series)

The Bronx? No Thonx!

"The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver"

"The Brooklyn Dodgers have three on base."/"Which base?"

"The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar... (bar joke)

"The buck stops here" (accept responsibility)

"The bull walks up the stairs and the bear jumps out the window"

"The Burning of the School" ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" parody)

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher who made seabird sausages took a tern for the wurst"

"The butler did it" (murder mystery drama saying)

"The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other"

The Caledonian Tragedy (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" curse)

"The camera adds ten pounds" (film and television adage)

"The camera doesn't lie" ("The camera never lies")

"The camera looks both ways" (photography adage)

"The 'Canadians are nice' stereotype is funny considering their favorite sport..." (hockey joke)

"The cannibal had a wife and ate kids"

"The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume. That’s sound advice"

"The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if I wanted to donate $2 to end world hunger..."

"The cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.' How was I to know she actually meant my debit card?"

"The CDC just announced you can stop wearing socks with your sandals"

"The CDC says to disinfect the places that you touch the most. Don’t do it, it freaking burns!"

"The cemeteries are full of indispensable men"

"The Center For Health in the Center of the World" & "Another Day, Another Breakthrough"

"The center of a Bundt cake is the Bundt hole"

"The center of a donut is 100% fat free"

"The Central Park Zoo should be named 'Zoo York'"

"The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together..."

The Championship Track (Belmont Park nickname)

"The checkbook and the calendar never lie"

"The Chicago style hot dog implies the existence of the MLA style hot dog"

"The Chicken and the Pig" (lessons in commitment from bacon/ham and eggs)

"The chicken is the only animal we eat before it's born and after it's dead"

"The chocolate filing in Ferrero Rocher is Nutella"

"The Christian Right is neither"

"An ice cream van crashed on my street yesterday. The whole area was coned off"

"The Citi Never Sleeps" (Citibank)

"The City of New York is more well known than the place it's named after"

The City of Opportunity (Seagoville slogan)

"The city should hire the guy that salts the fries at McDonald's to do the roads"

"The city should hire the guy who salts the fries at McDonald’s to do the roads"

The City That Faith Built (Wichita Falls slogan)

"The City that Never Sleeps is taking a nap" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

The City That Works (Portland slogan)

The Clays (Barclays Center nickname)

"The closer I get to nature, the farther I am from idiots"

"The closer you are to nature, the further you are from idiots"

"The closer you get, the slower I drive" (bumper sticker)

"The closer you get to nature, the further you are from idiots"

"The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face"

"The closest I've been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history"

"The closest I've ever come to being a 'hunter and gatherer' is opening my own pistachios"

"The closest most people will ever get to participate in the Olympic sport of curling is..."

"The closest some of us will ever get to heaven" (World Trade Center)

"The cobwebs in my house just became decorations! Thanks, Halloween!"

"The cold air hurts my face"

"The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. The test will be known as the T"

"The comeback is always stronger than the setback"

The Company (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"The Company You Keep" (New York Life)

"The Company You Love to Hate" (Con Edison)

"The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography"

"The Constitution actually says you can legally overthrow your government if they are tyrannical"

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people"

"The Constitution was not established by cowards and cowards will not preserve it"

"The cook's course is the hardest course in the army"

"The cool kids don't eat animals"

The Corner (23 Wall Street, at Broad Street)

"The coronavirus? I’m not shaking hands because people are out of toilet paper"

"The coronavirus vaccine is going to eliminate the coronavirus..."

"The coronavirus will come and go. But the government will never forget how easy..."

"The coronavirus won't last long because it was made in China"

"The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499. I didn't have ID"

"The Costco sample lady called spanikopita 'spankopedia' and I'm still disappointed..."

"The country's in the very best of hands"

"The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society..." (joke)

"The cows are giving evaporated milk" (Texas heat joke)

"The cream rises until it sours"

"The crowd at the cannibal's party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods"

"The crowd is always wrong" or "The public is always wrong" (Wall Street proverb)

"The crux of the biscuit"

"The cupcake is just the slutty cousin of the muffin"

"The cure for everything but death" (black seed oil or Nigella Sativa)

"The cure for everything except death" (black seed oil or Nigella Sativa)

"The cure for high prices is high prices" ("The cure for low prices is low prices")

"The cure for the ills of democracy is more democracy" (Al Smith)

"The currency is the share price of a country"

"The customer is always right" (business motto)

"The customer is never wrong" (business motto)

"The customer is not always right. Sometimes the customer is a twat!"

"The daily diary of the American dream" (Wall Street Journal slogan)

"The 'dark matter' which holds the universe together has finally been identified as coffee"

"The darkest hour has only sixty minutes"

"The day has begun, drink coffee, smile, and be thankful for the life you have"

"The days of good grammar has went"

"The days of wine and roses are over" (Gov. Hugh Carey)

"The dead soldier's silence sings our national anthem"

The Deadly Toxin or The Daily Toxin (The Daily Texan nickname)

"The decline of civilization can be traced back to when they stopped putting toys in cereal boxes"

"The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal"

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work"

"The Democrat Party: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people..."

"The Department of Health is seeking married people to educate on social distancing"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall"

The Deuce (42nd Street)

"The devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyers' tongues and clerks' fingers"

"The 'devil's lettuce' is actually coleslaw, not weed"

"The dice have no memory"

"The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it"

"The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says 'Go!' — a leader says 'Let's go!'"

"The difference between a democracy and a people's democracy" (joke)

"The difference between a farmer and a pigeon is the pigeon can make a deposit on a John Deere"

"The difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference..."

"The difference between a jogger and a runner is an entry blank"

"The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins"

"The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth"

"The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering"

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist is better informed"

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is that I asked for coffee"

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is that coffee doesn't make me want to punch you"

"The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"

"The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie"

"The difference between harassment and flirting is your financial position"

"The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys"

"Difference between my girls and married women is that my girls give a man his money's worth"

"The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra"

"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way a person uses them"

"The difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army is that the Scouts have adult supervision"

"The difference between the government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping"

"Difference between NYC Council and rubber stamp is that a rubber stamp leaves an impression"

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph"

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer"

"The dinner bell is always in tune"

The Dinosaur (English Elm in Washington Heights)

"The director of EA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The dishwasher put plates and bowls in the wrong order. He was dishlexic"

"The distance between your dream and reality is called action"

"The distance between your dreams and reality is called action"

"The DMV be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence"

"The DMV be like you forgot to bring the original copy of the Constitution"

"The doctor said I can only eat greens, so I went on a dye it"

"The doctor told me to lose some weight, so I bought a dog" (joke)

"The dog ate my homework" (student excuse)

"The dollar votes more times than the man"

The Dollhouse (Barbizon Hotel for Women nickname)

"The dots are practically almost touching each other, and people still cannot connect them"

"The dots are practically touching and some people still can't connect them"

The Drag on Guadalupe Street, Austin (Drag Worm; Drag Rat)

"The dream is free, but the hustle is sold separately"

"The drinker's definition of LOL: Low On Liquor"

"The driver is safer when the roads are dry. The roads are safer when the driver is dry"

"The drop in fuel prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drop in gas prices during this lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drop in petrol price during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drunker I sit here the longer I get" ("Starkle, starkle little twink")

"The drunkest knight of the round table was Sir Rhosis"

"The duration of a mass shooting is dependent upon the proximity of a second gun"

"The duration of a mass shooting depends entirely on the proximity of a second gun"

"The duration of a mass shooting is determined by the proximity of a second gun"

"The dust on Doritos and cheese puffs is chip keef"

"The 'ea' in 'tea' is silent"

"The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid"

"The early bird can have the worm. I'll take coffee"

"The early bird can have the worm. Just give me my coffee"

"The early bird can have the worm. Worms are gross and I prefer coffee"

"The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten"

"The early bird makes the coffee"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"The ear's loss is the palate's gain" (opening champagne)

"The earth used to be flat...until they buried yo mama"

"The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk"

"The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement"

"The easiest way to make money is to stop losing it"

"The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf"

"The economy is too important to be left to economists"

"The editor's indecision is final"

"The egg is to cuisine what the article is to speech"

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes”

The Elevated Acre

"The empire has no clothes"

"The employee shortage is so bad that long haired freaky people can now apply"

"The enemy doesn't have to defeat you. All he has to do is to distract you"

"The enemy doesn’t have to defeat you. All they have to do is distract you"

"The energy to take you anywhere" (Valero Energy Corporation)

"The engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be" (joke)

"The English invented soccer, but the Brazilians perfected it"

"The envelope, please" (awards show saying)

"The envelope, please" (hotel tips envelope)

"The era of pumpkin will fall & northern winds whisper 'peppermint everything.' Minter is coming"

"The evil of two lessers" (voting for "the lesser of two evils")

"The exact defense chili developed to preserve the species is the exact reason they are devoured"

"The exam questions are the same every year -- only the answers change" (joke)

"The existence of a New York City rat czar implies the existence of a New York City Ratsputin"

"The existence of a rat czar implies the existence of a rat Lenin"

"The existence of cardamom implies the existence of envelopeadad"

"The existence of pizza pockets implies the existence of pizza pants"

"The existence of smoothies implies the existence of roughies"

"The existence of the 'dreamcatcher' implies the existence of a dreampitcher and a dreambatter, too"

"The existence of the meatball sub implies that there is a meatball dom"

"The existence of the umami flavor profile implies the existence of an aypapi flavor"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of udaddy"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of udadi"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of upapi"

"The existence of unsalted saltines suggests the existence of salted unsaltines"

"The existence of Worcestershire sauce implies the existence of Bestestershire sauce"

"The eye in the sky never lies" (game film adage)

"The F in communism stands for food"

"The facilities in a church should be called amen-ities"

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope"

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without brains gives hope to many"

"The fact that microwaves still do not have a volume button for the beeps is amazing"

"The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move yet refuses to glow..."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist"

"The fact that we only get 4/5 hours after work before having to prepare for bed just to go to work"

"The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog"

The Failing New York Times (New York Times nickname)

"The fans are behind the coach 100 percent, win or tie"

"The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges" (property sign)

The Fashion Projects (London Terrace)

"The faster I type in my password, the more secret agenty I feel"

"The faster you climb an escalator, the more steps it takes to reach the top"

"The faster you run, the faster you're done" (running adage)

"The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth"

"The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election"

"The fat acceptance movement is the only movement without movement"

"The fat, alcoholic transvestite just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary"

"The Fed can print money, but it can't print jobs"

"The federal government is an aircraft carrier, not a speedboat"

"The federal government is organized crime"

"The feel of the wheel seals the deal" (car sales technique)

"The feeling of not having to work tomorrow is better than the feeling of not having to work today"

"The female version of teabagging is a flappachino"

"The female version of teabagging is called a flappuccino"

"The female version of teabagging is called a flapuccino"

"The female equivalent of the man cave is the kitchen"

"The fewer things controlled by politicians, the less it matters who controls the politicians"

"The fewer things politicians control, the less it matters who controls the politicians"

"The final Covid variant is called communism"

"The final variant is communism"

"The finish line is just the beginning of a whole new race"

"The fire at the clock factory caused a lot of second hand smoke"

"The first automobile race occurred right after the second car was built"

"The first casualty of war is truth"

"The first clown to take a pie in the face was a pie-oneer"

"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte"

"The first day of school -- the day when the countdown to the LAST day of school begins"

"The first draft of anything is shit"

"The first duty of wine is to be red"

"The first few weeks of Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile..."

"The first generation builds the business, the second makes it a success, and the third wrecks it"

"The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist"

"The First Law of Management: Kickbacks must always exceed bribes"

"The first loss is always the smallest" (Wall Street proverb)

"The first man gets the oyster; the second man gets the shell"

"The first myth of management is that it exists"

"The first Noel, the angels did say. You'll be paying your bills from now until May"

"The first period is won by the best technician..." (wrestling adage)

"The first rule of firearm safety is to never let the government take your guns"

"The first rule of gun safety is to never let the government take your guns"

"The first rule of Mime Club: "

"The first rule of Mime Club goes without saying"

"The first rule of Mime Club is: You do not talk about Mime Club"

"The first rule of mud wrestling is fight dirty"

"The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE"

"The first rule of rescuing is don’t become the second victim"

"The first rule of show business is to always leave them wanting more"

"The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"

"The first rule of vegan fight club. Tell everyone about vegan fight club"

"The first step to changing the system is to stop complying with it"

"The first submarine sandwich shop opened in 1898, but the store went under"

"The first syllable of the word 'diet' is "die'"

"The first symptom of Covid is no common sense"

"The first thing I do each morning is to read the obituaries" (joke)

"The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine"

"The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor"

"The first time I saw a universal remote control I thought, 'This changes everything'"

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider trying it"

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup"

"The five-second rule doesn’t apply to M&M’s because they have an exoskeleton"

"The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine"

"The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe"

The Flying Kangaroo (Qantas nickname)

"The following movie contains scenes of a cup of tea. It's rated PG"

"The font family changed their TV today. It wasn't working with their Arial"

"The food is terrible -- and such small portions!"

"The food label read, 'Store in a cool place,' so..." (joke)

"The food pyramid is a 'pyramid' not 'triangle,' so what’s on the other sides?"

"The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood..."

"The fork spooned the knife, so the spoon knifed the fork"

"The foundation of acting is the reality of doing"

The Four Hundred

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar"

"The four seasons are deer, turkey, rabbit and duck"

"The four seasons of Texas: January, Summer, Summerer, Christmas"

"The fourth estate has become a fifth column"

"The fourth win in a series is always the most difficult to get"

"The freedoms you surrender today are the freedoms your grandchildren will never know existed"

"The French restaurant served Napoleon Chicken. No meat -- only the boneypart"

"The freshest street in town is made of pave-mint"

"The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything"

"The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside"

The Friendly Firehouse (Ladder Co. 159, Brooklyn)

"The Friendly Frontier" and "Keep Abilene Beautiful" (Abilene slogans)

"The first time I played chess I tried to move my castles diagonally. Classic rookie mistake"

"The first time I saw a kiwi I thought it's a potato with fur"

"The Front Page of the Internet" (Reddit slogan)

"The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms"

"The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands"

The Fumble or Miracle at the Meadowlands (1978 Giants fumble)

"The funny thing is, when you don’t let people disrespect you, they start calling you difficult"

"The further north you go, the further south you get" (Florida adage)

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

"The future belongs to those who build it"

"The future is female"

"The future is not a gift; it is an achievement"

"The G spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'"

"The gallows are a really popular hang out spot if you ask me"

"The game is the best teacher" (soccer adage)

"The gas comin’ out of our cows ain’t near as dangerous as the BS out of our politicians"

"The gastric band: waist knot, want not"

"The Gates of Heaven -- Never Closed" (Hamburg Heaven)

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is fructose financer"

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian"

"The gentleman will take a chance" (eating hash)

"The Germans will never forgive the Jews for Auschwitz"

"The ghost walks" (theater salaries are paid)

"The gift of giving is the best gift we have been given"

"The gift that keeps on giving"

"The gift that keeps on giving" (an interest-bearing savings account)

"The girl who can't dance says the band can't play" (Yiddish proverb)

"The Girl Who Went To The Big Apple" (Asia's Next Top Model episode, 2016)

"The girls all get prettier at closing time" (barroom adage)

The Glamis Comedy (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" cruse)

"The goal is to die with memories, not dreams"

"The goal of the 'for dummies' books is to get rid of their target audience"

"The goal of wearing masks is to not have to wear masks"

"The goalposts will keep moving as long as they know you'll obey"

"The gold and other items of value placed in Egyptian tombs was the very first cryptocurrency"

"The golf swing starts from the ground up" (golf adage)

"The good part of a cucumber is the bad part of a watermelon"

"The government can legally lie to you. But they cannot force you to trust them"

"The government doesn't want you living a long happy life. They owe you social security"

"The government has no plans to return your freedom. How long will it take to realize that?"

"The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch"

"The government is just a business with no incentive to deliver agreed upon services..."

"The government is just the armed gang you're afraid would take over in the absence of government"

"The government is lucky that people never think"

"The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year. Everyone was dismayed"

"The government offered to buy my guns from me..." (joke)

"The government sells fear so they can become your savior"

"The government today is the direct result of your choosing the lesser of two evils for generations"

"The governor proposes and the legislature disposes"

The Great Mentioner

The Great Place (Fort Hood nickname)

"The Great Resist. They will own nobody and they will be unhappy"

The Great Saunter (32-mile walk around Manhattan)

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid"

"The great thing about Miami is that it's so close to the United States"

"The Greater New York Dairy" (Dairy Associates)

"The greatest bear is a sold out bull" (Wall Street adage)

"The Greatest City in Las Vegas" (New York, New York Hotel & Casino)

The Greatest City in the World

"The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules..."

The Greatest Little Town in Texas (Ballinger slogan)

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one"

"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think"

"The greatest quest in life is to reach one's potential"

"The greatest thing since radio"

"The greatest thing since sliced bread"

"The greatest threat to our planet is the belief that someone else will save it"

"The greatest trick the refrigerator manufacturers ever pulled..." (crisper drawer)

"The greatest weapon is not a gun, nor is it nuclear. It is information control"

"The greatest weapon is not a gun or a bomb. It is the control of information"

"The Grinch never hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair"

"The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well. he called it a receipt...whatever"

"The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital. He’s in fair condition"

"The guy who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing his hands together right now"

"The guy who robbed a health spa jumped on a scale and got a weigh"

"The guy who said that the truth never hurts never had to fill out a form 1040"

"The guy who stole all the chocolate is now a fudgitive"

"The guy who wrote the program that estimates time left on a download wasn't serious"

"The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides"

"The gym accused me of stealing, but the sign clearly said 'free weights'"

"The gym is the only place where the customers work harder than the employees"

"The 'h' in Democrat stands for honesty"

"The halfway point of a marathon is 20 miles" (running adage)

"The Happiness I Never Knew" ("think" backronym)

"The harder you work for something, the greater you'll feel when you achieve it"

"The hardest animal to kill is a school mascot"

"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch"

"The hardest part about being vegan is waking up at 5 a.m. to milk the almonds"

"The hardest part of bringing your lunch to work is resisting the temptation to eat it"

"The hardest part of making skimmed milk is throwing the cows across the lake"

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn"

"The hardest thing to raise in my garden is my knees"

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread"

"The Hawk" or "Hawkins" (strong cold winter wind)

"The hay is in the barn" (football and running expression)

"The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF"

"The heels of the bread are to be eaten last. You eat them as punishment for not buying more bread"

"The high-jump event is basically reverse limbo"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The higher the hair, the closer to God"

"The higher you go, the better the snow" (skiing adage)

"The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn't make up their minds"

"The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn't make up their minds"

"The homework is due Monday."/ "Can I get an extension?"/ "The homework is due Monday.png."

"The horse doesn't know what its odds are" (horse racing adage)

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip"

"The hospital you were born in is the only building you leave without entering"

"The hot air hurts my face"

"The hotel towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase"

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who...maintain their neutrality"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The House has affairs; the Senate has relations"

The House that Herring Built (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The House That Ruth Built" (Yankee Stadium)

"The House That Tex Built" (Boyle's Thirty Acres)

"The House That Tex Built" (Madison Square Garden, 1925-1968)

"The Houston Astros/Texas Rangers have won the World Series!" (Texas weather joke)

"The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety"

"The human body is roughly 60% water. I'm not fat, I'm flooded"

"The human brain is a very sophisticated organ. It works day and night, until you turn on the news"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The ice age walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated. The rest of the house needs cleaning"

"The ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, doesn't exist"

"The IKEA job interviewer said, 'Welcome! Come in and make a seat'"

"The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer"

"The in-flight movie was so bad, people were walking out"

"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government"

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has"

'The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has"

"The Income Tax: The fine you pay for the crime of being useful and productive"

"The information they censor is exactly what you need to know"

"The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people"

The International Magazine of Events (TIME backronym)

"The internet becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"The internet is a lot like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats"

"The internet is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"The internet is a series of tubes filled with cats"

"The internet is full of cats because dog people go outside"

"The internet is too pc. Disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits"

"The introduction of religious passion into politics is the end of honest politics"

"The inventor of gravy granules has had the freedom of the city bisto-ed on him"

"The inventor of Pop Rocks: Sugar isn't enough, it should also detonate"

"The investor's advocate" (Securities and Exchange Commission slogan)

"The invisible hand of the free market is fisting me"

"The invisible hand of the market is fisting us at night"

"The IQ of a committee is equal to the IQ of the dumbest member..."

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"

"The Jägermeister stag is my spirit animal"

"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time"

The Jews' Highway (Williamsburg Bridge)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The judo club knows how to throw a party"

"The junk drawer in now called the mask drawer"

"The key to a happy life is to drink coffee before work and avoid talking to morons"

"The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink"

"The key to happiness is as simple as A-B-C: Always Brew Coffee"

The Kid from the Big Apple (two films, 2015 and 2017)

The Kid from the Big Apple (two films, 2015 and 2017)

"The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them 'Scraps'"

"The Kids' Department Store" (Cookie's)

"The kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"The ladder of success is never crowded at the top"

"The ladder to success" (joke)

"The land is so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days" (joke)

"The landscaper thought gardening magazines were fun to leaf through"

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away"

"The largest room in the world is the room for improvement"

"The last bite of a cookie isn’t really a bite because you don’t bite it"

"The last line of the national anthem is often thought to be 'Play ball!'"

"The last man on earth walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The last official act of any government is to loot the treasury" (Washington?)

"The last ten hits (to 3,000 career hits) are the hardest"

"The last three outs are different" (baseball adage)

"The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis"

"The last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur" (an old joke)

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty"

The Last Word (cocktail)

"The lasting legacy of most deceased pets is a computer password"

"'The later I get here, the quicker this ends' isn’t the right answer for 'why are you late?'"

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they'd turn over by themselves"

"The leaves are falling and the coffee is calling"

"The leaves are falling. My coffee is calling"

"The left is called the 'left' because they're NEVER RIGHT!!"

"The Legend Continues" (Galveston slogan)

"The Lego store has finally reopened. People are lined up for blocks"

"The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on"

"The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed"

"The lesson is always love"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt"

"The life you live is the lesson you teach"

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts"

The Line That Time Forgot (Second Avenue Subway)

The Little Chapel That Could (St. Paul's); The Little Church That Could (St. Nicholas)

"The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner. There were strings attached"

"The living deserve our respect; the dead deserve the truth"

"The local Goodwill burned down last night. A person died from second-hand smoke"

"The local rabbi invited me to a BBQ, but it was just a bris cut"

"The lockdown is getting to me. Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap"

"The lonely Trekkie at a Star Wars convention was looking for love in Alderaan places"

"The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look"

"The longer the party, the bigger the hangover"

"The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to society where bras are required"

"The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to society where pants are required"

"The longest distance in any race is the six inches between your ears"

"The longest drum solo was 10 hours, 26 minutes & was performed by the child sitting behind me..."

"The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the 'Skip Ad' button on YouTube"

"The Lord giveth and the government taketh away"

"The Lord giveth and the Internal Revenue Service taketh away"

"The Lord giveth and the IRS taketh away"

"The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery is a wonderful thing; it lays the taxation only on the willing"

"The lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a multi-millionaire"

"The loudest way to open a bag of chips is to try to open it quietly"

The Louvre of Lox (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The Lower Rio Grande Valley is a great place to live -- it's so close to the United States"

"The lowest ranked door-to-door salesperson is awarded a knockwurst"

"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got"

"The luckiest horse wins the Derby, the fastest horse the Preakness, the best horse the Belmont"

"The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. This is going to burn"

"The 'mac' in mac and cheese is also an acronym for 'mac and cheese'"

"The magic of Christmas never ends and its greatest of gifts are family and friends"

"The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out"

"The magician said to take a card, any card. So I took his credit card"

"The mail must go through" (postal service adage)

"The main function of the little toe is to make sure that all the furniture is in place"

"The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia"

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team"

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"

"The Man in the Brooks Brothers Shirt" (1942)

"The man leaned on the printer cartridge because he wanted to tone up his abs"

"The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there"

"The man who butts his head against the stock market soon learns why it's called Wall Street"

"The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece"

"The man who created the chickpea spread passed away, but has been given an award posthummusly"

"The man who dies rich dies disgraced"

"The man who drank a bottle of varnish had a horrible end, but a lovely finish"

"The man who gets into a cage full of lions impresses everyone but a school-bus driver"

"The man who gives in when he's right is married"

"The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace"

"The man who loves his job is always on vacation"

"The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt"

"The man who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it" (political proverb)

"The man who stops advertising to save money is like the man who stops the clock to save time"

"The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent" (Keynes?)

"The market is always here" (Wall Street phrase)

"The masses are asses"

"The Masters doesn’t really begin until the second nine on Sunday" (golf adage)

"The Mattress Professionals" (Sleepy's)

"The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in local elections"

"The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself"

"The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism"

"The media breaks its neck trying to demonize humans and humanize demons"

"The media is the virus"

"The media is the virus. People's behavior is the pandemic. Common sense is the cure"

"The media isn't silent on child sex trafficking because of the children..."

"The media lies. Open your eyes"

"The media report planes that crash, not planes that land safely"

"The mediocre teacher tells, the good teacher explains, the superior teacher demonstrates"

"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights"

"The men who wrote the second amendment did not just finish a hunting trip..."

"The menu had many different kinds of food on it. So I asked, 'Can I have a clean one?'"

"The Met Gala is Burning Man for people named in the Panama Papers"

"The Met Gala is Halloween for celebrities"

"The Met Gala is just boujee Halloween"

"The Met Gala is just Final Fantasy cosplay for rich people"

"The Met Gala is just Halloween for rich people"

"The Met Gala is like a bougie Halloween party"

"The #MeToo movement is supposed to be empowering, but why PoundMeToo?"

"The middle of a bundt cake is a bundthole"

"The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large"

The Mighty Wurlitzer (CIA "playing" the media)

"The military is protecting democracy, not practicing it"

"The Milky Way is a hard place to be if you're galactose-intolerant"

"The mind of a slave asks 'Is it legal?' The mind of a free man asks 'Is it right?'"

"The Minnesota Night Hawks. I'm coaching. The Big Apple!" (Slap Shot film, 1977)

"The Minnesota Night Hawks. I'm coaching. The Big Apple!" (Slap Shot film, 1977)

"The minus sign ran for office to make a difference"

"The mob is just like the government, without the pretense"

"The modern definition of 'racist' is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other is the moment we lose our humanity"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment that we lose our humanity"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment we lose our humanity"

"The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly"

"The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet"

"The money in your bank account is one 'state of emergency' away from being the government's money"

"The moon landing never happened! It’s still in the sky"

"The more captains you have on the field the better" (soccer adage)

"The more comfort food I eat, the less comfortable I am"

"The more dangerous the neighborhood, the better the tacos"

"The more you eat, the more you want" (Cracker Jack slogan)

"The more you know, the crazier you look"

"The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget..."

"The more you research, the crazier you sound to ignorant people"

"The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war"

"The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle"

"The more you tell, the more you sell" (marketing adage)

"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe -- eat cake"

"The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you to do nothing with your life"

"The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence"

"The most bullish thing the stock market can do is go up"

"The most common form of robbery is inflation"

"The most dangerous 8 seconds in sports" (bull riding)

"The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee"

"The most dangerous eight seconds in sports" (bull riding)

"The most dangerous food is wedding cake"

"The most dangerous part of an automobile is the nut behind the wheel"

"The most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it"

"The most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare"

"The most exciting two minutes in sports" (Kentucky Derby slogan)

"The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink"

"The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart"

"The most expensive vehicle to operate, per mile, is the shopping cart"

"The most fattening thing you can put in an ice-cream sundae is a spoon"

"The most important ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people"

"The most important parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials and the food..."

"The most important thing a girl wears is her confidence"

"The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours"

The Most Jewish Place on Earth (Brooklyn)

The Most Jewish Spot on Earth (Brooklyn)

"The most nervous fruit is a pear annoyed"

"The Most New York You Can Get" (Daily News)

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most romantic thing you can ever do for me is buy me food"

"The most trusted name in fake news" (The Daily Show, CNN)

"The most trusted name in news" (CNN slogan)

"The most unrealistic thing about Monopoly is the free parking"

"The most used piece of equipment at the gym is the mirror"

"The most violent element in society is ignorance"

"The mountain is out" (Mount Hood is visible)

"The movie Blazing Saddles could never be made today..." (anti-joke)

"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums"

"The music teacher got irritated because her students kept passing notes"

The Musical Instrument Megastore (Sam Ash)

"The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release"

"The national arms are covered with glory" (Ignacio Zaragoza, after the battle of Cinco de Mayo)

"The national dish of America is menus"

The Nation's Newspaper (USA Today nickname)

"The Nazis had a phrase which covered all abuses by the state: 'Für Ihre Sicherheit'"

"The new American dream is to be left the hell alone"

"The new Covid variant is communism"

"The New World Order is the real virus"

"The New World Order is the virus"

"The New York City Marathon is really just a bunch of people running away from Staten Island"

"The New York City police chief said, 'We will never forget 9/11'" (joke)

"The New York Idea"

"The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department"

"The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department"

The New Yorker Festival

"The news is trauma based mind control. You're not being informed, you're being manipulated"

"The Newspaper That Can't Be Bought" (Village Voice)

"The next Covid variant is communism"

"The next forecast with the words 'ice' and 'salt' better be a damn margarita recipe"

"The next pandemic -- driven by a virulent conspiravirus. We'll need to go into a Facebook lockdown"

"The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade is gonna get a punch"

"The next song is all about subtractions. Take it away, boys"

"The inmates are running the asylum"

"The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it"

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NWO is the real virus"

"The NWO is the virus"

"The NYPD toilets were stolen. Police have nothing to go on"

"The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous rather than cowardly"

"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf"

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd" (male-female ratio)

"The odds are good that you will be laid up long before you are laid out" (insurance adage)

"The office Christmas party is a chance to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes"

"The official flag of 2020" (a face mask on a flagpole)

"The official tree of New York City is scaffolding"

"The oil field never sleeps" (adage)

"The oilfield never sleeps" (adage)

"The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner. There were strings attached"

"The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy"

"The older I get the better I was" (sports adage)

"The older I get, the more coffee I need to drag my sorry carcass around in the morning"

"The older I get, the tighter the companies are putting the lids on jars"

"The older I get, the uglier I’m willing to go out in public"

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana"

"The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public"

"The Oldest Apothecary in America" (C. O. Bigelow)

"The oldest word in politics is 'new'"

"The one thing the government fears is the day we stand together"

"The one who gets vaccinated to be free is already enslaved"

"The one who reads a newspaper knows what is happening in the world. One who reads the Bible..."

"The ones asking to be left alone aren't the extremists. The ones demanding we comply..."

"The ones selling the panic are the same ones selling the vaccine"

"The onion is the only vegetable that fights back"

"The only abs I have are abnormalities"

"The only Apple product that I can afford to buy is apple juice"

"The only B.S. I need are bikinis and sandals"

"The only bad workout is the one that didn't happen"

"The only bad workout is the one that you didn't do"

"The only bottomless brunch I’ve had is when my kids refuse to wear pants at the breakfast table"

"The only BS I have time for is Burritos & Salsa"

"The only B.S. I need is bikinis and sandals"

"The only carbon they want to reduce is you"

"The only color that matters is blue" (police adage)

"The only communists left are in China, Cuba, North Korea and on American universities"

"The only cure for presidential fever is embalming fluid"

The Only Day After Yesterday ("today" backronym)

"The only difference between Lunchables and a charcuterie board is class aesthetics"

"The only difference between the U.S. and a banana republic is we don't grow bananas"

"The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band"

"The only downside to Cinco de Mayo is Seis de Hangover"

"The only easy day was yesterday" (Navy SEAL motto)

"The only entitlement I expect from my government is freedom"

"The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions"

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable"

"The only gambling I do is buying shoes online"

"The only good substitute for a coffee is two coffees"

"The only good substitute for a cup of coffee is two cups of coffee"

"The only good substitute for coffee is two coffees"

"The only good time to say 'I have diarrhea' is during a game of Scrabble"

"The only job where you can start at the top is the job of digging a hole"

"The only man able to stop Michael Jordan was Dean Smith"

"The only man worth chasing this summer is the ice cream man"

"The only non-essential business is government"

"The only people who put ketchup on hot dogs are mental patients and Texans"

"The only person telling you the truth in politics is the one who says he is not voting for you"

"The only person who likes change is a baby with a wet diaper"

"The only pizza worth eating" (Abitino's)

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary"

"The only problem with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does"

"The only problem with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music stops"

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back"

"The only reason I get up early on a Sunday is coffee"

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again"

"The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality"

"The only reason I'm up this early on a Sunday is the coffee"

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory"

"The only reason the government would outlaw body armor is to make it easier for them to kill you"

"The only reason why the government would want to disarm you after 243 years is because..."

"The only river wet on one side and dry on the other" (Rio Grande during Prohibition)

"The only soda that will survive the apocalypse is Dr. Prepper"

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window"

"The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming"

"The only thin blue line I respect is a negative pregnancy test"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the Mississippi River"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the mountain coldness indicator on Coors Lite"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the one at the bottom of the pride flag"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the U.S. Postal Service"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the wetness indicator on a baby’s diaper"

"The only thin blue lines I respect are my local rivers and estuaries"

"The only thing a vegan can kill is a conversation"

"The only thing a vegan kills is a conversation"

"The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself"

"The only thing he brought to this job was his car"

"The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open"

"The only thing i have planned for today is to get my new glasses. Then I'll see what happens"

"The only thing I know for sure about today is coffee. Everything else is just wild speculation"

"The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine"

"The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it"

"The only thing in Texas that changes faster than the weather is a woman's mind"

"The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist"

"The only thing not delivered by a truck is a baby"

"The only thing stopping me from smashing my alarmclock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone"

"The only thing that matters in wrestling are your teeth and your testicles"

"The only thing that should be rising is the people"

"The only thing that travels faster than light is weekends"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing you can believe in the papers is the date"

"The only thing the prevent defense does is prevent you from winning"

"The only thing vegans kill is a conversation"

"The only thing we need from animals is forgiveness"

"The only thing worse than a buffering video is a buffering ad"

"The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is finding out the chef is bald"

"The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work"

"The only thing wrong with Austin is that it's surrounded by Texas"

"The only time a fisherman ever tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar"

"The only time a golfer tells the truth is when he calls another golfer a liar"

"The only time a hunter tells the truth is when he calls another hunter a liar"

"The only time a politician tells the truth is when he says that the other politician is a liar"

"The only time a politician tells the truth is when speaking about their opponents"

"The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying"

"The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars"

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire" (aviation adage)

"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"

The only town in Texas that's Knott Texas (Knott slogan)

"The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more"

"The only useful thing banks have invented in the last 20 years is the ATM"

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen"

"The only way for baked evils to triumph is for baked goods to not be eaten"

"The only way to get ahead is to decapitate someone"

"The only way to lose weight by drinking green tea is to go to the mountain and pick it yourself"

"The only way to see New York" (Circle Line)

"The opening ceremony for my ribbon repair business was pretty confusing"

"The opera ain't over until the fat lady sings"

"The operation was successful, but the patient died"

"The opposite of a dominant chord is a submissive chord"

"The opposite of capitalism is lowercaseism"

"The opposite of Dr Pepper is Patient Salt"

"The opposite of Flavortown is Blandberg"

"The opposite of Flavortown is Blandland"

"The opposite of isolate is isoearly"

"The opposite of isolate is yousoearly"

"The opposite of New Orleans is Old Andfat"

"The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist invents the parachute"

"The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank..." (Imhoff's Law)

"The origami shop says business is in creasing"

The Other Big Apple (Meaford, Ontario nickname)

"The other day, I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash..." (joke)

"The outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab"

"The 'pan' in pansexual is just short for pan pizza"

"The parking lot at clown school must be really small"

"The party always ends up in the kitchen"

"The party in power is smug; the party out of power is insane" (Jane's Law)

"The party's not over till you smile for the mugshot"

"The past is rewritten so fast that you don't know what will happen yesterday. -- Soviet joke"

"The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation"

"The past tense of 'fit" is 'fat'"

"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The path of inner peace begins with four words: not my fucking problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with 3 words: not my problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with four words: not my fucking problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with three words: not my problem"

"The pathway to glory is strewn with pitfalls and dangers" (Per Ardua ad Astra)

"The patriarchy isn't going to fight itself"

"The patriarchy isn't going to fuck itself"

"The patriarchy isn't going to smash itself"

"The patron saint of checking your bread rolls in the oven is St. John the Bap test"

"The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless"

"The pawns in chess are gender fluid"

"The pay stinks, but the benefits are out of this world" (religious work joke)

"The peasants are revolting" ("The people are revolting")

"The penalty for not participating in politics is to be governed by your inferiors"

"The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners"

"The people against voter ID wanted you to show vaccine papers"

"The people get the government they deserve"

"The people have spoken...and they must be punished"

"The people have spoken -- the bastards!"

"The people on the 'right side of history' are usually fighting for freedom and liberty..."

"The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea"

"The people that want to own everything are telling us we will be happy with owning nothing"

"The people who take memes seriously are the same people who think the stripper likes them"

"The people who take politicians seriously are the same people who think the stripper likes them"

"The people who told you everything was fine because they were in control will shift to saying..."

"The people who told you you don’t need guns and walls have surrounded themselves with..."

The People's House (U.S. House of Representatives)

The People's Money (silver nickname)

People's Republic of Austin (Austin nickname)

"The performer is available for a limited number of cancellations"

"The person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it" (success/failure proverb)

"The person who doesn't know where his next dollar is coming from..."

"The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear" (bar joke)

"The person who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing their hands together right now"

"The person who named sweetbreads isn't allowed to name stuff anymore"

"The person who said 'All men are created equal' has never watched a porno movie"

"The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi"

"The personal is political"

"The pessimist sees an obstacle in every opportunity; the optimist sees an opportunity..."

"The Pharmaceutical industry does not create cures. They create customers"

"The philosophy of the classroom in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next"

"The phrase 'Built to stay free' is an anagram of what monument?" (riddle)

"The phrase 'it's not opposite day' is always true"

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant"

"The Pillsbury Dough Boy is a great roll model"

"The Pillsbury Doughboy is a great roll model"

"The pirates were fighting with each other because they didn't have good anchor management"

"The plain fact of the matter is that New York is much too good for New Yorkers"

"The plan will be a phased plan that we plan to utilize in phases"

The Planet (Brooklyn)

"The plans for a paperless office looked really good...on paper"

"The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull" (Broadway saying)

"The playoffs don't start until the home team loses a game"

"The police asked me if I would take a lie detector. I said yes..." (joke)

"The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate. That would explain the doughnuts"

"The poor pay tax. The middle-class pay accountants. The rich pay politicians"

"The popularity of origami is in creasing"

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

"The potato farmer who crossed the mob is sleeping with the knishes"

"Potatoes will cry their eyes out" (if next to onions)

"The power of the people is greater than the people in power"

"The power of the people is stronger than the people in power"

"The power you let government use today is the power they'll use on you tomorrow"

"The Powerball Jackpot is now up to a 24 pack of Charmin"

"The price of gold is understood by exactly two people in the entire world -- and they disagree"

"The problem is not who sits on the throne. The problem is that there is a throne to sit on"

"The problem isn't the abuse of power; it's the power to abuse"

"The problem with 9/11 jokes is that they never seem to land"

"The problem with being single is it's always my turn to do the dishes!"

"The problem with close-minded people is that their mouth is always open"

"The problem with close-minded people is that their mouths are always open"

"The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouth is always open"

"The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouths are always open"

"The problem with democracy is that those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them"

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"The problem with guns is too few people carry one"

"The problem with having a job is that it gets in the way of being rich"

"The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are derivative, trig jokes are too graphic..."

"The problem with natural immunity is that it’s free"

"The problem with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills"

"The problem with socialism is, you can vote your way into it, but you have to shoot your way out"

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur"

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind"

"The problem with Workaholics Anonymous meetings is they never end"

"The Projects" (public housing projects)

"The prophecy has been fulfilled" ($7.11 gas at 7-Eleven store)

"The protected need to be further protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected..."

"The protected need to be protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected..."

"The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub"

The public be damned! (William H. Vanderbilt)

"The public cannot be too curious concerning the characters of public men"

"The public ignores a presidential election until after the World Series"

"The public stayed away in droves"

"The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines. It’s always the center of a tension"

"The punchline comes before the question. What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?"

"The punishment for tax evasion is getting to live off of other people's taxes"

"The purpose of NATO is to keep the Americans in, the Russians out and the Germans down"

"The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped"

"The Quarantini. It's just a regular martini, but you drink it all alone in your house"

The Queer Big Apple Corps (marching band)

The Queer Big Apple Corps (marching band, 2022-present)

"The quicker I give all my rights away, the quicker I will get them all back..."

"The quickest way to get a Democrat politician to put on a mask -- is to turn on a camera"

"The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running"

"The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet"

"The race to Finland isn’t over until you cross the Finnish line"

"The radar gun gets you drafted, but you have to pitch to get to the big leagues" (baseball adage)

"The raised nail gets hammered down" (management proverb)

"The real conspiracy theorists believe that the government cares about them..."

"The real conspiracy theory is believing that you can replace your immune system with masks..."

"The real gun problem is, too few good people carry a good one"

"The real joke is always in the comments"

"The real menace to our republic is the invisible government"

"The real pandemic is how stupid everyone is"

"The real pandemic is stupidity"

"The real problem with FOX News is that it never actually reports on anything about foxes"

"The real 'problem' with guns is too few people carry one"

"The real problem with reality is the lack of background music"

"The real problem with the upcoming election is that one of them is going to win"

"The real problem with the upcoming election is that one of them is going to win"

"The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing"

"The real virus is communism. Coronavirus is just how it spreads"

"The real virus is communism. Covid-19 is just how it spreads"

"The real winner in the 'every child gets a trophy' is the trophy making company"

"The reason there's a February 29 is because it takes a full day to explain what a leap year is"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple... and messed everything up"

"The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up"

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit"

"The recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is..." (joke)

"The recipe for today: One cup cluster, Two cups fuck"

"The recipe said 'Set the oven to 180 degrees'" (joke)

"The regular season is where you make your name, but the postseason is where you make your fame"

"The relationship of a journalist to a politician should be that of a dog to a lamppost"

"The rent is too damn high!" (political party slogan and name)

"The Republic of Texas is no more" (Anson Jones on 1846 annexation)

"The resistance is not something you join. It's what you are"

"The resistance is not something you join. It's what you do"

"The resistance is not something you join. It's who you are"

"The restaurant advertised 'Chicken Dinner $1." I paid $1 and they gave me a bowl of corn"

"The restaurant sign says, 'Try our new menu.' I'm guessing it tastes like paper"

"The restaurant's special of the day was dalas. The waiter said it was mixed salad"

"The revolution will be memed"

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more"

"The rewind on the remote of life does not work"

The Rialto (14th Street)

"The rich and powerful piss on us and the media tell us it's raining"

"The rich and powerful piss on us and the media tells us it's raining"

"The rich have advantages that money cannot buy"

"The rich invest in time, the poor invest in money"

"The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes"

"The right to bear arms means no tattoos"

"The Right Way to Invest" & Fireman's Carry symbol (Oppenheimer Funds)

"The (rising) star of Texas" (Texas State slogan)

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road to a friend's house is never long"

Big Apple Corner (1992-1997)

"The road to hell is paved with Ivy League degrees"

"The road to success is always under construction" (business adage)

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places"

"The road to truth is paved with lost friends and offended strangers..."

"The road to tyranny is paved with people telling you to stop questioning everything"

"The roadside farm sign said: 'DUCK, EGGS'" (joke)

"The rodeo ain't over till the bull riders ride"

"The Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL" (i.e., weight gain at 40 makes one Xtra Large)

"The room was so small, I had to go out in the hall to change my mind"

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day"

"The Royal Albert Hall is the only place a modern composer can hear his music twice"

"The sad moment when you lose a chip in the dip, so you send a recon chip to save it..."

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket"

"The Sahara desert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The same people who sell the panic, sell the vaccine"

"The scariest part of that song 'Born to be Wild' is when they find a head out on the highway"

"The school board wishes you a speedy recovery, by a vote of 4-3"

"The score is still 0-0 -- you haven't missed anything" (joke)

The Scotsman's Kilt

The Scottish Business (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

The Scottish Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

The Scottish Tragedy (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"The scrawny personal trainer had to give a too weak notice"

"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli"

"The season of leggings and yoga pants is upon us"

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it"

"The secret ingredient is always love"

"The secret ingredient is always love...and butter"

"The secret ingredient is love"

"The secret ingredient is love...and butter"

"The secret ingredient is one heaping teaspoon of love"

"The secret of eternal youth is arrested development"

"The secret of success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching"

"The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don't cook. Ever"

"The secret to a happy life is to drink coffee and avoid talking to morons"

"The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and trying to get it unstuck without hands"

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started"

"The secret to happiness is as easy as A-B-C: Always Brew Coffee"

"The secret to living well & longer is: eat well, walk double, laugh triple & love without measure"

"The secret to managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five who are undecided"

"The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons"

"The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down"

"The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down"

"The Senate is the enemy" (House of Representatives saying)

"The Senate is the saucer into which we pour legislation to cool" (Senatorial saucer)

"The serve was invented so that the net can play" (tennis joke)

"The seven ages of man are spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills"

The Shack (police reporters area)

"The shape of soup is a circle"

"The shape of soup is round"

The Shawarma (nickname of Vessel at Hudson Yards)

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room"

"The Shortcut to Mexico" & "The Mex! Without the Tex" (Guajillo's in San Antonio)

"The shortest book in the world is called 'Great Jewish Sports Heroes'"

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction"

"The show must go on" (show business adage)

"The show must go wrong" (show business adage)

Showplace of the Nation (Radio City Music Hall)

"The sideline is a defender's best friend"

"The sign in my hotel room said, 'Not responsible for stolen items.' So I stole some stuff"

"The sign said, 'Employees must wash hands.' I waited, but I finally washed them myself"

"The sign says 'Wait for Hostess to be Seated' but the bitch will NOT SIT DOWN!"

"The sign says you're open 24 hours." / "Not in a row!" (joke)

"The Signature of American Style" (Lord & Taylor)

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"

"The single greatest tool of oppression is ignorance"

"The six stages of evil: First we overlook evil. Then we permit evil. Then we legalize evil..."

The Six (Toronto, Canada nickname)

"The Sky's the Limit" (Midland slogan)

"The slow man with integrity will ultimately catch the swift one who has none"

"The slower it comes off, the longer it stays off" (weight loss adage)

"The smell of breakfast is the best alarm clock"

"The smell of coffee in the morning is the best alarm clock"

"The smell of coffee is the best alarm clock"

"The soccer goalkeeper invited my son and me to a party. It was the father, son and the goalie host"

"The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran"

"The Soviet Union made the best bread in history. People would wait days in line for it!"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The spell czech on my computer has never failed me"

Sport of Kings (polo nickname)

"The sports page records people's accomplishments and the front page has nothing but man's failures"

"The spring blossoms get you out of your head and out working in the garden"

"The square root of -1 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The Stanley Cup is the toughest championship to win"

"The Starbucks barista was wearing a face mask. It was a coughy filter"

"The start of the Girl Scout cookie season marks the end of the New Year's resolution season"

"The state bird is the (construction) crane"

"The state does nothing, and can give nothing, which it does not take from somebody"

"The state is a system that requires people of integrity to run it..."

"The state is the mafia pretending to be a human rights organization"

"The State of the Union Address does not take place in any state in the union"

"The Staten Island Ferry is the poor man's Circle Line"

"The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The stickiest of King Arthur's knights was Sir Up"

"The stock market abhors uncertainty" & "Money runs from uncertainty" (Wall Street adage)

"The stock market has spoiled more appetites than bad cooking"

"The stock market is a barometer of business"

"The stock market trades to inflict the maximum amount of pain"

"The stock price is a hollow god"

"The story of milk: Good milk, bad milk, cheese!"

"The streets are desserted. Cake and ice cream everywhere"

"The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people"

The Stroll (Seventh Ave. between 131-132 Streets)

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us..."

"The strongest weapon in the United States is a patriotic American"

"The Sturgeon King" (Barney Greengrass)

"The subway is just a moving waiting room"

"The suck"

"The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand"

"The sun don't shine on the same dog's butt every day" (investment proverb)

"The sun has riz, the sun has set, and here we is in Texas yet"

"The sun is up, the sky is blue, my coffee's so delicious I think I'll have two!"

"The sun will rise and we will try again"

"The Supreme Court follows the election returns" ("Judges follow the election returns")

"The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream"

"The Supreme Court isn't final because it's supreme, it's supreme because it's final"

"The system didn't fail. The system worked. That's the problem"

"The system isn't broken. It was built that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was built this way"

"The system isn't broken. It was designed that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was designed this way"

"The system isn't broken. It was made that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was made this way"

"The system isn't broken. It's fixed"

"The system was never broken. It was built this way"

"The system will have you thinking 'legal' means 'right', but remember slavery was legal"

"The system works because you work"

"The tape tells the story" (Wall Street proverb)

"The task ahead of you is never greater than the strength within you"

"The tassel's worth the hassle"

"The tax code is longer than the Bible, but without the good news"

"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad" (joke)

"The team in first on July 4th will win the pennant" (baseball adage)

"The team that gets the best player wins the trade"

"The team that won't be beaten can't be beaten"

"The team, the team, the team"

"The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper" (summer to fall)

"The term 'street tacos' implies the existence of off-road tacos"

"The term 'street tacos' implies the existence of park, vert, slalom, and downhill tacos"

"The term 'street tacos' infers the existence of 'sidewalk tacos'"

"The 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' film was a big lie. They didn't damage a single chainsaw"

"The Texas legislature should meet two days every 140 years"

"The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets. But first, I've got to want to help myself"

"The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people"

"The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings..."

"The third hand on a clock is also the second hand"

"The thought of going back to life without a mask scares me..." (joke)

"The three C's of life: Choice. Chance. Change. You must make the choice to take the chance"

"The three stages of tequila: I'm fine... I'm drinking... I'm invisible..."

"The time to live in New York is when you're young and poor, or old and rich"

"The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you'll kiss tomorrow"

"The toilet paper 'crisis' confirms that we have more assholes than we thought"

"The toughest fades are the best trades"

"The toughest job you'll ever love" (Peace Corps; teaching; nursing; parenting)

"The town which can't support one lawyer can always support two lawyers" (LBJ)

The Town Without a Toothache (Hereford slogan)

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name" (golf saying)

"The trend is your friend" (Wall Street proverb)

"The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it"

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"

"The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is nobody appreciates how difficult it was"

"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate"

"The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do the dishes"

"The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford"

"The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field"

"The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected to office"

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off"

"The trouble with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money"

"The trouble with staying home from work is that you have to drink coffee on your own time"

"The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can't be sure"

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat"

"The trouble with today's taxes is that they keep your take-home pay from ever getting there"

"The trouble with unemployment is that you never get a day off"

"The true administration of justice is the firmest pillar of good government"

"The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer"

"The truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged"

"The truth does not require your participation to exist. Bullshit does"

"The truth is extreme. To make it moderate is to lie"

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will shatter your illusions"

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable"

"The truth will set you free, but first it will shatter your illusions"

"The truth will set you free. Except on Facebook, where it will get you a 30-day ban"

"The tug is the drug" or "The tug is my drug" (fishing saying)

"The tune that old cow died on must have been written in beef flat"

The Turk (person to cut a player from the team)

"The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots"

"The TV told me that if I eat bugs and enslave myself on behalf of the ruling 1% that the weather will get gooder...."

"The tv told me that if I eat bugs and pay more money to the government the weather will be gooder"

"The TV told me that if I pay money to the government and accept totalitarian surveillance state the weather will be gooder"

"The TV told me that if I pay money to the government the weather will be gooder"

"The TW in Twitter stands for Time Wasted"

"The two enemies of the people are criminals and government..."

"The two happiest days in a time traveler's life..." (joke)

"The two happiest days of a man's life—the day he bought the boat and the day he sold the boat"

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why"

"The two most important things about money are, to make it first, then make it last"

"The two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job"

"The tyrants don't create the tyranny. Your obedience does"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with a sideline business in defense"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with an army"

"The ugliness of ignorant ideas is BEAUTIFUL compared to the horror of everyone's mouth sewn shut"

"The ultimate liquid measure is the supreme quart"

"The UN is really just a country club"

The Unexpected Borough (Staten Island)

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced"

"The United States is the greatest country in the nation"

"The United States of America does not have friends; it has interests"

The United States of Goldman Sachs

"The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons"

"The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf"

The Unmentionable Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"The unvaccinated are not a threat to society. They are a threat to authority"

"The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by a lot of dough"

"The U.S. dollar is the best-looking horse in the glue factory"

"The U.S. dollar is the cleanest dirty shirt"

"The U.S. dollar is the leper with the most fingers"

"The USA: A country so great that even her haters refuse to leave"

"The USA became the land of the free because regular citizens had military-grade weapons"

"The USA is having so many disasters you'd think it was built on ancient Indian burial grounds"

"The used car salesman knows when he's lying" (joke)

"The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe..."

"The Vatican police speak pig Latin"

"The vice presidency is a spare tire on the automobile of government"

"The vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit" (John Nance Garner to Lyndon B. Johnson)

The Village (airplane coach seating section)

"The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just kind of a tired feeling"

"The waiter said, 'Your table will be ready shortly'" (at the IKEA restaurant)

"The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country..."

"The war machine wins every U.S. presidential election"

"The Washington monument looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton"

"The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in"

"The way taxes are today, you might as well marry for love"

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation"

"The way to make money is to identify the trend whose premise is false, then bet against it"

"The weather is like the government, always in the wrong"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The weather just went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper" (summer to fall)

"The weather outside is frightful, but the wine is so delightful"

"The weekend should get a speeding ticket"

"The West wasn't won with a registered gun"

"The whiter your bread, the sooner you’re dead"

"The whole country would be tested by midnight if Chick-fil-A was running the drive-thru"

"The whole point of living in New York City is indoors. You want greenery? Order the spinach"

"The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows"

"The wife and I have been in lockdown for eight days now. No fucking way I'm retiring"

"The wife bet I couldn't make a spaghetti car. Then I drove pasta"

"The wife wants me to sell my exercise bike because I 'don't use it'..."

"The will must be stronger than the skill"

"The will of the people is stronger than the noise of politicians"

"The Winter Olympics: Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn"

"The wise man poops on company time. The foolish man waits until his break"

"The woods are full of long hitters" (golf adage)

"The word 'cheese' is cancelled. Everyone must now call it a loaf of milk"

"The word 'Fat' just looks like someone took a bite out of the word 'Eat'"

"The word 'homeowner' has the word 'meow' in it. Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again"

"The word 'politics' is derived from 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' meaning 'parasites'"

"The word 'vocabulary' isn't even in my -- "

"The word 'vocabulary' isn't even in my stock of words"

"The working class pay taxes. The middle class pay accountants. The upper class pay politicians"

"The world does not owe you anything. You are not a loan"

"The World Health Organization has said dogs are immune to COVID-19. WHO let the dogs out"

"The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"The world is full of apathy, but I don't care"

"The world is not full of assholes, but they are strategically placed so that you come across one"

"The world is now Vegas. Everybody's losing money, it's acceptable to drink at all hours..."

"The world is now Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it's acceptable to drink at all hours..."

"The world is run by those who show up"

"The world is your lobster"

"The world is your taco"

"The world is your taco. Fill it with what you want"

"The world needs ditch diggers, too"

"The world owes me a living"

"The world would be a better place if more things were wrapped in bacon"

The World's Borough (Queens)

"The World's Greatest Newspaper" (SCREW)

"The world's most prolific Facebook user sadly passed away. We shall not see his Like again"

"The world's not that bad. It's your government that sucks"

"The worst advice is free advice" ("The most expensive advice is free advice")

The Worst Airline (Trans World Airlines or TWA backronymic nickname)

"The worst kind of loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself"

"The worst lead in hockey is a two-goal lead"

"The worst part about Friday is realizing it's only Tuesday"

"The worst part about Friday is realizing it's only Wednesday"

"The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses"

"The worst part about turning the clocks back is having to endure an extra hour of 2020"

"The worst part of my apple addiction is not being able to see a doctor about it"

"The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn"

"The worst spread for a bagel has to be the pap shmear"

"The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them"

"The worst thing about an apple addiction is that you can't see a doctor about it"

"The worst thing about censorship is -- "

"The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses"

"The worst thing about running the Chinese Marathon? Hitting the Wall"

The worst part of spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is..."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

The Year the Big Apple Went Bust (book by Fred Ferretti, 1976)

The Young Turds or The Dumb Turds (The Young Turks nickname)

"Theater is a verb before it is a noun, an act before it is a place"

Theater Row

"Theatre is life, film is art, and television is furniture"

Theatre of the Absurd (Theater of the Absurd)

Theatre of the Absurd, 2005

Theft by Cop (civil asset forfeiture)

"Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper"

"The key to happiness is to find a woman who can cook, clean and is great in bed" (joke)

"Them awkward days between Christmas and New Year when you don't know what day it is"

"Them: 'Mandatory buy back' Me: How can you buy back something that never belonged to you?"

"Them that has, gets"

Themhattan (them + Manhattan)

ThemTube (YouTube nickname)

"Then you were a prospect and now you are a client" (joke)

"There are 10 genders. Because gender is binary"

"There are 1,013,913 words in the English language, but I could never put any of them together..."

"There are 13 minerals that are essential to human life, and all of them are found in wine"

"There are a thousand ways to lose a horse race and only one way to win"

"There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough.."

"There are better things in the world than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates"

"There are but two parties now, traitors and patriots"

"There are conspiring satanic billionaires paying lying millionaires to keep telling brainwashed..."

"There are days when I need coffee to come out of the shower head"

"There are days when we need to drink our coffee strong, play our music loud and get our stuff done"

"There are four dimensions to most things we buy these days: length, width, height and debt"

"There are friends, there is family, and then there are friends that become family"

"There are Lunchables, but no Breakfastables"

There are many apples on the tree, but when you pick NYC, you pick the Big Apple (1975)

"There are many different apple flavors, but only one apple juice flavor"

"There are many good reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head..."

"There are many possible reasons to sell a stock, but only one reason to buy" (Wall Street adage)

"There are more Baptists than people in Texas"

"There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any"

"There are no accidental visits by politicians"

"There are no accidents in politics"

"There are no atheists in foxholes"

"There are no bears living on Park Avenue"

"There are no called strikes in investing"

"There are no dull stories, only dull reporters"

"There are no ex-Marines"

"There are no fish under the ice!" (ice fishing joke)

"There are no guilty men in prison" (prison adage)

"There are no gun 'bans.' There are only government monopolies on guns"

"There are no jobs on a dead planet"

"There are no lost causes because there are no gained causes"

"There are no markets anymore, just interventions"

"There are no new stories, only new reporters" (journalism adage)

"There are no small parts, only small actors" (theatre adage)

"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile"

"There are no votes in foreign aid" (political adage)

"There are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin"

"'There are no words in English that have all vowels in alphabetical order,' he said facetiously"

"There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots"

"There are old traders and bold traders, but there are no old, bold traders"

"There are only three lawyer jokes –- the rest are true stories"

"There are only two absolutes in life: friends and vodka. And the best times usually involve both"

"There are only two great plays -- 'South Pacific' and put the ball in the basket"

"There are only two ingredients to ice cream soup -- ice cream and patience"

"There are only two kinds of music -- good music and bad music"

"There are only two places in this league: first place and no place"

"There are only two places you should never attempt a drop pass -- home and away" (hockey adage)

"There are only two sports in Texas -- football and spring football (practice)"

"There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe -- call in sick"

"There are over 7,500 different types of apple, but only one 'apple juice'"

"There are several reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head..."

"There are so many scams on the Internet. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them"

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are things we are taught to accept without question..."

"There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy"

"There are three dimensions to credit cards: length, width and debt"

"There are three good reasons to be a teacher: June, July and August"

"There are three kinds of mathematician: those who can count and those who can't"

"There are three parties in Congress: Republicans, Democrats and Appropriators"

"There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can't"

"There are three ways to come out of this lockdown. A hunk, a chunk or a drunk. Your choice!"

"There are too many people counting calories and not enough people counting chemicals"

"There are two classes of people, those who are Irish and those who lack ambition"

"There are two kinds of congressmen -- show horses and work horses"

"There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead"

"There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and liars"

"There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and sad people"

"There are two kinds of people: Coffee people and sad people"

"There are two kinds of people in this world: givers and takers"

"There are two kinds of people in this world: People who love bacon, and liars"

"There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2"

"There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know"

"There are two seasons in the North -- winter and road construction"

"There are two sides to every story -- and then there's the truth"

"There are two theories about how things happen in Washington: consensus or crisis"

"There are two types of pain: Pain that hurts you and pain that changes you"

"There are two types of people: Coffee people and sad people"

"There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data"

"There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both"

"There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make..."

"There are two types of people: those who trust the government and those who have read history"

"There are two types of windows -- windows that leak and windows that will leak"

"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by the sword. The other is by debt"

"There are two ways to run for office -- scared or unopposed" (political adage)

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works"

"There can be no higher law in journalism than to tell the truth and shame the devil"

"There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question is, the answer is always wine"

"There goes the neighborhood"

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that!" (John Hancock?)

"There is a big difference between confidence and conceit"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself"

"There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?"

"There is a guy stealing iPhones around the town. He is probably going to face time"

"There is a lot more juice in a grapefruit than meets the eye"

"There is a providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children, and the United States of America"

"There is a saying about April: It is a wonderful month filled with love, happiness & various fools"

"There is a self depreciation course starting at my college next term. I've already put myself down"

"There is a special place in hell reserved for people that break the '10 items or less' rule"

"There is a time and a place for decaf coffee. Never and in the trash"

"There is a time and place for wine –- in my hand and now"

"There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But if you find one, let me know"

"There is always free cheese in a mousetrap"

"There is angel investing. Is there devil investing?"

"There is another side to the pancake" (another opinion or look)

"There is hardly anything that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper"

"There is magic in the air and it's called WiFi"

"There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle" (proverb)

"There is more law at the end of a policeman's nightstick than in a decision of the Supreme Court"

"There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else"

"There is never a line for the restroom at a waterpark"

"There is never a line to the urinal at a water park"

"There is never one cockroach" (business adage)

"There is no back row" (online classroom adage)

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger"

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger" (judicial adage)

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can control the firm resolve of a determined soul"

"There is no dish that requires you to exclusively use both a spoon and a knife"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education like adversity"

"There is no excuse for animal abuse"

"There is no First Amendment without the Second Amendment"

"There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"

"There is no greater disease than fear; and there is no greater threat than those who weaponize it"

"There is no gym for your face"

"There is no 'I' in stupidity"

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is in win"

"There is no law so trivial that the government won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no law so trivial that the police won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no law so trivial that the state won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no left or right. There is only tyranny and freedom"

"There is no left or right. There is only tyranny or freedom"

"There is no life without water because water is needed to make coffee"

"There is no plan to fix anything because the plan was to destroy everything"

"There is no Planet B"

"There is no possibility of informed consent while adverse reactions are being censored"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no such thing as a cheap politician" (Ferdinand Lundberg's Law)

"There is no such thing as a good tax"

"There is no such thing as a little garlic"

"There Is No Such Thing As A Pitching Prospect" (TINSTAAPP)

"There's no such thing as government. It's just other individuals telling you what to do"

"There is no such thing as overtraining, only undereating" (bodybuilding adage)

"There is no such thing as vegan food. It is either vegan or it isn't food"

"There is no talent so ardently supported, nor generously rewarded, as the ability to convince parasites they are victims"

"There is no truth in news and no news in truth" (Russian Izvestia and Pravda adage)

"There is no 'we' in pizza"

"There is no WiFi in the forest, but I promise you will find a better connection"

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate"

"There is nothing inherently wrong with fiat money, provided we get perfect authority"

"There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted"

"There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your house is haunted"

"There is nothing more grotesque than a media pushing for war"

"There is nothing so disturbing to one's well-being and judgment as to see a friend get rich"

"There is nothing so good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" (horse-riding adage)

"There is nothing wrong with sex on television as long as you don't fall off"

"There is nothing wrong with the charts, only the chartists"

"There is one advantage to having nothing -- it never needs repair"

"There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American."

"There is only one and this is it" (Carnegie Deli)

"There is only one bad word: taxes"

"There is only one fruitcake -- it just keeps getting sent around"

"There is only one thing better than a glass of wine. A bottle"

"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking"

"There need to be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation"

"There needs to be a restaurant named Chick-fil-B open exclusively on Sundays"

"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode or a man that couldn't be throwed" (Will James)

"There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax"

"There once was a girl who loved pi..." (limerick)

"There ought to be more dancing"

"There oughta be a law!"

"There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected"

"There should be a Godzillow app where you can buy houses Godzilla has smashed for really cheap"

"There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays"

"There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks"

"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation"

"There was a crime spree at IKEA. Police are having a hard time putting the pieces together"

"There was a fight at the fish and chip shop. The fish got battered"

"There was a fire at my local dollar store. Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars"

"There was a gathering on a golf course. I guess you could call it a par-tee"

"There was a guy who played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food"

"There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking..."

"There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees"

"There was an early bird special, so I ordered Archaeopteryx"

"There was an explosion at the cheese factory. De brie was everywhere"

"There was Chop Suey all over my bed this morning. I've been sleep wokking again"

"There was laughter back of the theater, leading to the belief that somebody was telling jokes"

"There were two types of Jews in 1933 -- optimists and pessimists"

"There would be no game of chess if the pawns refused to play"

"There’s elbow macaroni, but no knuckle macaroni"

"There's a certain irony to getting married on Independence Day"

"There's a chance this is wine" (written on a mug or container)

"There’s a correlation between how poorly a job pays and how many inspirational quotes there are"

"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator" (math joke)

"There's a man at work who plays heavy metal all day. He's office rocker"

"There’s a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you"

"There's a new pie shop near me. It’s open 22/7"

"There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow. I might go if I've got nothing on"

"There's a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror"

"There's a reason why 'sober' and 'so bored' sound almost exactly the same"

"There's a reason you take kids to pick apples, but don't take them to a slaughterhouse"

There's a sucker born every minute (NY gambler slang, but not P. T. Barnum)

"There's a tweet for everything"

"There's a $20 fee to leave your apartment" (joke)

"There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent"

"There's a woman in the park who sells batteries. She sells C cells by the seesaw"

"There's a woman who sells batteries by a convenience store. She sells C cells by the C-store"

"There's always a bull market somewhere"

"There's always room at the top"

"There's always room for dessert"

"There's always room for Jell-O"

"There’s always that one pistachio that just tastes terrible"

"There's always time for a glass of wine"

"There's always work at the post office"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's banana juice, but bananas don't have juice"

"There's boxing and then there's heavyweight boxing" (boxing adage)

"There's life outside the internet."/"Send me the link."

"There's more than one way to peel an orange"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat"

"There’s never just one wet butt in a canoe. We’re all in this together"

"There's no bad publicity except an obituary"

"There’s no better biodegradable spoon than a tortilla chip"

"There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap"

"There's no business like Shoah business"

"There's no crying in baseball!" ("There's no sentiment in baseball")

"There’s no excuse for anyone to work harder than you do"

"There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one"

"There's no fever like gold fever"

"There's no future in becoming a historian"

"There’s no 'I' in denial"

"There's no 'I' in 'team'"

"There's no 'I' in team, but there are two in schizophrenia"

"There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there is a 'me'"

"There's no life without water. Without water, there's no coffee. Without coffee, I'll kill you all"

"There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday"

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let others get inspired by your imperfections"

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by your imperfections"

"There's no place like home" ("Home, Sweet Home")

"There's no place like home, except grandma's"

"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" (pun)

"There's no point in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway"

"There's no quit in him"

"There's no room for BS in my life, unless it's Burritos and Salsa"

"There's no secret about success -- a successful man will tell you about it"

"There's no such thing as a bad audition" (performing arts adage)

"There's no such thing as a routine traffic stop" (police adage)

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong gear" (running adage)

"There's no such thing as good money or bad money -- there's just money"

"There’s no such thing as government funded. It’s all taxpayer funded"

"There's no training for garbage men. They pick it up as they go along"

"There's no way like the American way. World's highest standard of living"

"There's no ‘we’ in bacon"

"There's no 'we' in chocolate"

"There’s no 'we' in food"

"There's no 'we' in fries"

"There's no 'we' in pizza"

"There's no 'we' in tacos"

"There's not enough coffee in the world"

"There's not one dime's worth of difference in the two parties"

"There’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t fix. If not, make it two"

"There's nothing between Amarillo and the North Pole except a barbed wire fence"

"There's nothing in the middle of the road except yellow stripes and dead armadillos"

"There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold. Over ice..."

"There's nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your dorm is haunted"

"There's nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your hotel room is haunted"

"There’s nothing more mean spirited than the average ghost"

"There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee"

"There's nothing wrong with me a little ice cream won't fix"

"There's nothing wrong with show business that good shows won't cure"

"There's now an avian strain of coronavirus. One flu over the cuckoo's nest"

"There’s one rule in life and one rule in cooking; when in doubt, add some more wine"

"There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up"

"There's Only One New York" (NY1 News)

"There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it"

"There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."/"Which is?"

"There's only one thing better than a glass of wine. Two glasses of wine"

"There's plenty of room for all God's creatures -- right next to the mashed potatoes"

"There's regular crazy and then there's crazy with an internet connection crazy"

"There's snow place like home"

"There's snowplace like home"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a pizza"

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system"

"There's too much cheese on it...said no one ever"

"There's too much cheese on this pizza...said no one ever"

"There's too much month left at the end of the money"

"There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami..."

"Thermopylae had her messenger of defeat, but the Alamo had none"

"Thermostrocka Mortimer" or "Thermostrocker Mortimer" (Cactus Pryor)

"These 2 day weekends are starting to feel a lot like 30 minute lunches"

"These days govt. is a four-letter word"

"These days you can't even say 'black paint' any more" (NSFW joke)

"These fruit delivery trucks are driving me bananas"

"These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"

"These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down"

"These weekends are starting to feel like 30 min lunch breaks"

"These weekends are starting to feel like a 30 minute lunch break"

"They all laughed when I wore one puff pastry boot. But now the choux's on the other foot"

"They all share the same kitchen" (East 6th Street Indian restaurant joke)

"They are giving away free money!! At a place called 'work'"

"They are not after your guns. They are after you. The guns are just in the way"

"They are not after your guns. They are after you. Your guns are just in their way"

"They aren't making yardsticks any longer"

"They asked if I could sing solo -- so low they can't hear me"

"They asked if I could sing tenor -- ten or twelve miles away"

"They call it fishing, not catching"

"They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken"

"THEY call it 'summer break.' TEACHERS call it 'recovery'"

"They call it 'take-home pay' because it's too little to go home by itself"

"They call us dreamers, but we're the ones who don't sleep"

"They came to do good and stayed to do well" (Washington bureaucrats/politicians)

"They cheated in the last election. Better vote them out this time"

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces"

"They did not isolate a virus. They isolated you"

"They divide with fear. We unite with courage"

"They don’t ban hate speech. They ban speech they hate"

"They don't get big by being dumb" (hunting and fishing adage)

"They don't have enchiladas in Europe. They have centimeterladas"

"They don't have to say it's martial law if they call it a quarantine"

"They don't like it when your authenticity is louder than their facade"

"They don't make things like they used to -- and they never did"

"They don’t want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them"

"They don't want to ban hate speech. They want to ban speech they hate"

"They don't want you to have free speech. so they invented the term 'hate speech' to shut you up"

"They eat anything with legs except a table and anything with wings except an airplane"

"They finally made a documentary about clocks. It's about time!"

"They finally published my book about sex with herbs. It's about f*cking thyme!"

"They gave their tomorrow for our today"

"They gave their tomorrows for our todays”

"They have fought grandly, nobly, and we must have more of them"

"They have plant based burgers, but not a meat based salad"

"They keep saying that nobody wants to work anymore but really... nobody wants to be overworked & underpaid anymore"

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now"

"They met in cooking class. It was boil meets grill"

"They need to bring back teaching binary in schools. That's just my 10 cents"

"They need to build golf courses for people who aren’t that into golf but just want to drink and drive"

"They never told me which machine, so I've been raging against toasters"

"They now say exercising for at least one hour a week can half your chances of getting Alzheimer's"

"They only call it class war when we fight back"

"They picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone else works twice as hard"

"They pretend to pay us and we pretend to work" (Soviet joke)

"They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store..." (virus joke)

"They said I could be anything, so I decided to be caffeinated"

"They say a banana a day cleans your colon. Then I found out you're meant to eat them"

"They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less"

"They say cows are bad for the environment, but all they do is eat plants & fart. Kinda like vegans"

"They say cows are bad for the environment. They eat plants and fart, kinda like vegetarians"

"They say do what you love and the money will follow" (joke)

"They say I have the best ass below 14th Street"

"They say Jesus was a Carpenter, but you never see his name on any of their albums"

"They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... *coughs*"

"They say marijuana is a gateway drug. To what? The fridge?"

"They say money has germs, but even a germ couldn't live on the money I make"

"They say never go food shopping when you're hungry, but it's been over a week"

"They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never said how many times to fill it"

"They say politics makes strange bedfellows, but it’s the taxpayer who has the nightmare"

"They say Republicans are for the rich, Democrats are for the poor"

"They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. I have to stop eating Minute Rice"

"They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. Some people need to stop eating minute rice"

"They say the meaning of life can be found in a bottle of wine. I haven't found that bottle yet..."

"They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews"

"They say you are what you eat. I don't remember eating a big disappointment"

"They say you are what you eat. I bought ready to eat apricots..."

"They say you are what you eat. That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast for breakfast"

"They say you are what you eat. That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning"

"They say you are what you eat. Today I bought some ready to eat chicken..."

"They say you can’t fix stupid. Turns out you can’t quarantine it, either"

"They say you find love in every corner. My life must be a circle"

"They say you should test your fire alarm every month. That would cost a fortune in houses"

"They should first test the COVID vaccine on government officials..."

"They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another"

"They should put more wine in the bottle so there's enough for two people"

"They should start reporting the number of kids that go missing every day the way they report Covid"

"They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds"

"They sleep, we grind. They dream, we shine"

"They somehow managed to demonize coughs, sniffles and having no symptoms at all..."

"They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!"

"They talk about me like a dog"

"They tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds"

"They tried to kill us...we won...let's eat!" (Jewish holiday parody)

"They who drink beer think beer"

"They who drink of the San Antonio River will return"

"They wouldn't need to censor us if we were wrong"

Theyhattan (they + Manhattan)

"They're called Karen because they be Karen too much about things that don't concern them"

"They're called the left because they're never right"

"They're making a male version of Amazon Alexa. It doesn't listen to anything"

"They're not after our guns. They're after us. Our guns are just in their way"

"They're not illegal firearms. They're just undocumented firearms trying to live in sanctuary homes"

"They're not saying 'boo,' they're saying 'Lou' (Piniella)" (sports cheer)

"They're off!" (horse racing starting call)

"They're playing our song" (romantic drama dialogue)

TheyTube (YouTube nickname)

Thieves' Alley (5 Norfolk Street)

Thieves' Lair (Longacre Square/Times Square)

Thieves' Market (between Delancey and Houston Streets in Manhattan)

"Thieves steal and run; politicians run and steal"

"Thieves wear sneakers, artists wear sketchers and language teachers wear converse"

"Thieves who stole 3 tons of tarmac have been hiding. Police are hoping they will resurface soon"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Fat Mints"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Thicc Mints"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Thick Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of average and plus-size mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Fat Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Thicc Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Thick Mints"

"Things are not getting worse. They are getting uncovered"

"Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working"

"Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle"

"Things taste better in small houses"

Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads ("Twitter" backronym)

"Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out"

"Think about how stupid the average person is...half of 'em are stupider than that"

"THINK before you text, tweet, facebook. Is it true, hurtful, illegal, necessary and kind?"

"Think like a fundamentalist; trade like a technician"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Facebook"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on social media"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Twitter"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you tweet"

"Think outside. No box required"

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

Think Regress or ThinkRegress (Think Progress nickname)

"Think things through -- then follow through" (six-word success formula)

"Think while it's still legal"

"Think with your mouth" (mouthinking; mouthinker)

"Think you're bored? Sir Isaac Newton invented calculus during the plague"

"Thinking is hard! So just do what the government says"

"Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax"

"Thinking is the hardest work, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"

"Thinking isn't to agree or disagree -- that's voting"

"Thinking that printing banknotes ends poverty is like thinking that printing diplomas ends ignorance"

Thinspiration (thin + inspiration)

Thinspo (thin + inspiration)

Third Avenue Guy (Wall Streeter working in a less important location on Third Avenue)

Third Coast

Third Degree

Third Smallest Town in Texas (fictitious Tuna, Texas slogan)

Thirsday (Thursty Thirsday)

"Thirst come, thirst served" (bar saying)

Thirst Trap (Thirst Trapping)

Thirst Trapping (Thirst Trap)

Thirstday

"Thirsty days hath September" (beer rhyme)

Thirsty Thursday

"This ain't my first rodeo" ("This is not my first rodeo")

"This ain't no regular heat...this high class heat...bitch it's hõte ás fuqùe"

"This asparagus is just a spear, I guess"

"This beer tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This beer tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This build back better thing must be waiting on the building permits"

"This chef on TV said, 'Where there's fat, there's flavor.' I know he was talking about food..."

"This chocolate just went past me at 120 mph!! I think it was a Ferrari Rocher"

"This Christmas, give your children the gift of STANDING UP FOR THEIR FUCKING FUTURE"

"This Christmas, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body"

"This Christmas instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"This cleaning with alcohol is total bullshit. Nothing gets done after the first bottle"

"This coffee is broken! I'm still tired!"

"This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined"

"This food is fit for a king, Here, King!"

"This girl said she knew me from a vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore"

"This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies"

"This guy was so large, he had his own climate"

"This Halloween you should go as the person you pretend to be on Grindr"

"This heat got me sweating harder than my ex tryna tell the truth"

"This holiday was made possible by citizens with guns"

"This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee"

"This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee

"This house is protected by the good Lord and a gun. Trespass and you will meet them both"

"This house is protected by the good Lord and a gun. You might meet them both..."

"This house isn't dusty. It's sprinkled with fairy dust"

"The house isn't under construction -- kids just live here"

"This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime"

"This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime"

"This is a bathroom, not an internet cafe. Poo & shoo"

"This is a bathroom, not an internet cafe. Shit & split"

"This is a family newspaper" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a family show" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a mind control device" (face mask message)

"This is a nonprofit organization. We didn't plan it that way"

"This is a self-cleaning kitchen -- clean up after yourself"

"This is a terrible spell of wheather"

"This is an elegant hotel -- room service has an unlisted number"

"THIS IS CAPITALISM. this is lowercaseism"

"This is God's Country. Don't Drive Thru It Like Hell" (Hondo road sign)

"This is it, Charlie Brown, if you vote one more time, there will be real change!"

"This is my house."/"What's upstairs?"/"Stairs don't talk."

"This is not a recession. This is a robbery"

"This is not a restaurant" (joke)

"This is not a scam. Inbox me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500"

"This is not Facebook and I am not your friend"

"This is not sweat. This is liquid awesome"

This is Texas (Cleburne slogan)

"This is the first year I haven’t done the London Marathon because of Covid-19..." (joke)

"This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji due to Covid-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor"

"This is the government our founders warned us about"

"This is the government the founders warned us about"

"This is the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed"

"This is the Staten Island Ferry" (NSFW joke)

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history" (Gib Lewis)

"This is what democracy looks like"

"This is what happens when you don't click your tongs twice before grilling"

"This is why we can't have nice things"

"This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN YELLING"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you are amazing and you can handle anything"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you are powerful beyond measure..."

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever life throws at you this week"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you"

"This is your Sunday evening reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you"

"This isn't an office -- it's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"This kale salad tastes like I'd rather be fat"

"This kitchen is seasoned with love"

"This kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"This lockdown is no walk in the park"

"This mama runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This margarita tastes like I don't even have kids"

"This margarita tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This mask is as useless as our governor" (face mask saying)

"This mask is as useless as our politicians" (face mask saying)

"This mask is as useless as the government" (face mask saying)

"This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine"

"This might be wine" (written on a mug or container)

"This mom runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This Monday is sponsored by coffee"

"This morning I called my mom by ‘birth giver’ and she replied ‘yes, financial drain?’"

"This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection"

"This morning, I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks"

"This morning's coffee brought to you by here we fucking go again"

"This New Year's Eve, remember to drink and wander around your house responsibly"

"This next song is about subtraction. Take it away, boys"

"This office will not tolerate redundancy in this office"

"This orange juice says shake well before drinking..." (drinking joke)

"This pandemic ain’t over until Costco starts serving free samples again"

"This pandemic is exactly why I hated group projects in school"

"This printer is now called Bob Marley because it's always jammin'"

"This Quarantine is getting old. So old, in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult"

"This recipe says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them"

"This republic was not established by cowards; and cowards will not preserve it"

"This rum tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat"

"This sofa can seat 6 people without any problems."/"Where can I find 6 people without problems?"

"This spring I'm looking for someone who has the same allergies as I do"

"This spring I'm looking for that special someone who has the same allergies I do"

"This system got y'all thinking 'legal' means 'right.' Reminder: Slavery was 'legal'"

"This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch"

"This tequila tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This tequila tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This tequila tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This too shall pass. And then some other bullshit will come and take its place"

"This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass"

"This too shall pass -- just like a kidney stone"

"This too shall pass... Painfully, like a kidney stone, but remember it'll pass!"

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us"

"This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated"

"This vehicle protected by anti-theft sticker" (bumper sticker)

"This virus has done what no woman had been able to do...cancel all sports, shut down all bars"

"This vodka tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This vodka tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This whiskey tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave"

"This wine pairs well with turkey and difficult relatives"

"This wine tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This wine tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This winter, keep warm by burning all the previous advice we gave you that turned out to be BS"

"This year, 4/20 falls on taco Tuesday. This is it people. This is what we've been training for"

"This year for Halloween I'm dressing up as freedom. This seems to be what people are afraid of"

"This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early"

"This year I won't be going to the Maldives because of covid19" (joke)

"This year instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"This year was the first time I couldn't travel to Europe because of Covid-19" (joke)

Thoity Thoid and Thoid (33rd Street and Third Avenue)

"Thomas Edison walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Those burning books today will be burning bodies tomorrow"

"Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still"

"Those who aim torpedoes are always ready to press charges"

"Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it"

"Those who burn books today, will be burning bodies tomorrow"

"Those who burn books today, will burn bodies tomorrow"

"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it -- next semester"

"Those who can’t teach, teach gym"

"Those who demand you declare your pronouns to make others feel comfortable..."

"Those who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for those who do"

"Those who do not move do not notice their chains"

"Those who drive like hell are bound to get there"

"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it"

"Those who give up pizza to get little temporary abs, deserve neither pizza, nor abs. -- Benjamin Franklin"

"Those who go to college and never get out are called professors"

"Those who graduate with a theater degree and can't find work suffer post dramatic stress disorder"

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not"

"Those who have the privilege to know, have the duty to act"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who know the least, obey the best"

"Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don't"

"Those who like my tweets are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don't"

"Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened"

"Those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them"

"Those who pay taxes, pay attention"

"Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it"

"Those who stay will be champions"

"Those who would give up essential Pizza, to purchase a little temporary Abs, deserve neither Pizza nor Abs"

"Those whom the gods love they let live in Texas"

"Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote"

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator"

"Thought I could put dolphin in my fish pie. Until I noticed I was using all porpoise flour"

Thoughts Which I Think They Enjoy Reading ("Twitter" backronym)

Thousand Islands: Thousand Islands Dressing

Thousand Layer Cake (Spekkoek)

Thousands Standing Around (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"The fact that you aren't where you want to be should be enough motivation"

"Three bass players walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three boxes govern the world" (ballot box, jury box, cartouch box)

"Three chords and the truth" ("Country music is three chords and the truth")

"Three Christmas spirits -- gin, vodka and bourbon"

"Three Christmas spirits -- rum, brandy and whiskey"

"Three Christmas spirits -- scotch, vodka and tequila"

"Three Christmas spirits -- vodka, rum and gin"

"Three Christmas spirits -- whiskey, gin and vodka"

"Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three C's of Credit (Credit reputation, capacity and collateral)

Three-Cup Chicken or Three-Glass Chicken (San Bei Ji)

Three-Day Town (Three-Day City)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three D's" or "Five D's" of Auctions/Foreclosures (Death, Disease, Drugs, Divorce, Denial)

"Three great inventions: fire, the wheel and central banking"

Three G's of Politics (God, guns and gays)

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I love you, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I need help, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three kinds of economists" (joke)

Three Kings Day Parade

"Three languages, you're trilingual; two, you're bilingual; one, you're American"

Three Laws of Plumbing (joke)

"Three little pigs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three little words: mar gar ita"

"Three logicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three main rules of American engineering: (1) Always use the right tool for the job..."

"Three men in a room"

"Three men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three Musketeers (Chinese dish of scallops/chicken, shrimp and beef)

"Three Nazis walk into a BAR..." (bar joke)

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I'm sorry, 2. You were right, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included"

"Three places you can stay for free: in your lane, out of my business and over there"

"Three programmers walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three rights walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three R's (Riding, Roping, Rodeo; also with 'Rangling, 'Rastling, Roundups, Ranching)

Three Rules of Plumbing (joke)

"Three sewing machines walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three Sisters: Corn, Beans, Squash (Three Sisters Soup; Three Sisters Stew)

Three Sisters or Twisted Sisters or 100-Mile Loop (RR335, RR336, RR337)

"Three S's of wine tasting: Swirl, Sniff and Sip"

"Three stages of career development are: I want to be in the meeting, I want to run the meeting..."

"Three things can happen when you throw the football, and two of them are bad" (UT coach Royal)

"Three things I'm thankful for: 1) family 2) friends 3) Caller ID to avoid family & friends"

"Three things tell the truth: children, drunk people and yoga pants"

"Three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win, you can lose or it can rain"

"Three things you can't take back: a spent arrow, a spoken word and a lost opportunity"

"Three tickets come out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"Three types of people with more than 10 items: People who can't read, can't count, and assholes"

"Three umpires are sitting in a bar..." (baseball joke)

"Three vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, forbid kids from doing it"

"Three weeks now, I've been practicing resistance training. I'm avoiding anything to do with sports"

"Three yards and a cloud of dust" (football saying)

Three Yellow Chicken (San Huang Ji)

Threek ("fork" with three prongs/tines)

"Threw my neighbors a really nice housewarming party. The cops are calling it arson, however"

"Threw some butter at my coworkers today. They said I should try Anchor management"

Thrilledy (thriller + comedy)

"Throw away the fish, eat the plank" (joke)

"Throw good money after bad" (to waste additional money)

"Throw me something, mister!" (Mardi Gras parade cry)

"Throw me something, sister!" (Mardi Gras parade cry)

"Throw money at a problem" (Washington reflex)

"Throw nickels like manhole covers" (stingy)

Throw Red Meat at the Political Base (reward hard-core supporters)

"Throw the book at him/her" (give the maximum penalty)

"Throw the rascals in!"

"Throw the rascals out!"

"Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care"

"Throwing acid is wrong -- in some people's eyes"

"Throwing spaghetti against the wall"

THRU Streets

Thucydides Trap

Thugocracy

Thugs and Sexual Assailants (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Thumbprint Cookies

Thumbs Up Thursday

Thumbsucker (a news analysis or think piece)

Thunder on the Left (Thunder on the Right)

Thundering Herd & We, the People (Merrill Lynch nicknames)

Thurmond Rule or Biden Rule (no judicial appointments in election year)

"Thursday doesn't even count as a day, It's just the thing that's blocking Friday"

"Thursday -- the most useless day of the week"

"Thursdays are just wannabes. They wannabe Friday, but they're not!"

Thyme Square (pun on Times Square)

"Tick taco" (tick tock + taco)

"Ticker tape ain't spaghetti"

Ticker-tape Parade

"Ticketmaster be like: Concert ticket: $40 Venue fee: $21.32 Access fee: $18.32..."

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketcommander"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketslaves"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsub"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsubmissive"

"Tidy desk, tidy mind"

"Tidy house, tidy mind"

"Tidy room, tidy mind"

"Tie one on" (to get drunk)

Tiffany Network (CBS)

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Politico nickname)

"Tight as a tick" (said of a close election)

Tightening of Adam's Apple (suggested in 1978)

"Tighter than the skin on a grape"

Tighthouse (Tight House)

"TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners"

Timber (Political Timber; Gubernatorial Timber; Presidential Timber)

"Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana"

"Time flies when you throw away calendars"

"Time flies when you throw your watch"

"Time flies when you're having fun"

"Time flies when you're having rum"

"Time flies when you’re throwing watches"

"Time goes by fast when you’re avoiding homework"

"Time in the market is better than timing the market" (Wall Street adage)

"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge"

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time"

"Time is precious. Spend it wisely"

"Time is precious. Waste it wisely"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students"

"Time is the friend of stocks, the enemy of bonds"

"Time kills all deals"

"Time machine for sale. Guaranteed previous day delivery"

"Time machine for sale. Previous day delivery available"

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician"

"Time, talent, and treasure"

"Time to change from my daytime pajamas to my nighttime pajamas" (quarantine joke)

"Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves"

"Time to make the donuts"

"Time to spare? Go by air." (aviation saying)

"Time to start replacing the term 'vaccine hesitancy' with 'survival instinct'"

"Times are hard. A friend of mine had to get a second job as a butcher just to make meat ends"

"Times are tough. Thinking of cooking a rump roast just to make ends meat"

"Time's fun when you're having flies, Kermit said"

Times New Ramen (Times New Roman font + ramen noodles)

Times Plaza (Brooklyn)

Times Square and Herald Square

Times Square in the Sky (Brooklyn Bridge nickname)

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

Timmy Ho's (Tim Hortons nickname)

Tin Pan Alley (West 28th Street)

Tin Pan Alley (music publishing industry)

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Handle Alley (West 50th Street and Eighth Avenue)

Tin-pot Dictator (Tin-pot Dictatorship)

Tin Roof Sundae

TINA (There Is No Alternative)

Tinfoil Hat or Tin Foil Hat (Tinfoil Hat Brigade or Tin Foil Hat Brigade)

"Tinfoil hats are an invention of the Aluminati"

Tinsel Town or Tinseltown (nickname of New York City, then Hollywood)

TINVOWOOT (There Is No Voting Our Way Out Of This)

"'Tiny House Community' is just hipster lingo for 'Mobile Home Park'"

Tip Jar

Tip Sag (pizza slice tip sag)

"Tipping is not a city in China"

"Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food"

"Tips are for waiters" (Wall Street adage)

Tipsy Palmer or Tipsy Arnold Palmer (cocktail)

Tipsy Tuesday

"Tiramisu is just dessert lasagna"

"Tiramisu sounds a lot more Japanese than Italian"

Tiramisunami (tiramisu + tsunami)

"Tired of being fat and ugly? Just be ugly" (gym sign)

"Tired: summer bodies. Wired: summer antibodies"

"It's not a pandemic. It's an IQ test"

"Tis the sea-sun"

"Tis the season to be freezin'"

"'Tis the taste that tells the tale"

Titans (professional lacrosse team nickname)

"Titjobs imply the existence of titunemployment"

Title Town or Titletown (usually Green Bay, WI, but also other sports cities)

Tits-for-Tots (strip club "pole tax")

T.J. Smaxx (T.J. Maxx nickname)

TLA (three letter agency)

Tlacoyo

Tlayuda or Clayuda (Oaxacan "Mexican pizza")

TLC (Taxi & Limousine Commission; Tender, Loving Care)

"Ten years ago, I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work. I haven't touched a job since"

Tennessee: Whelp (nickname)

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe"

"To all the people panic buying, make sure you stock up on condoms so you don't produce more idiots"

"To anger a conservative, lie to him: to anger a liberal, tell him the truth"

"To avoid cracked, dry skin this winter, take half a lemon, a bottle of tequila, salt, and don’t go outside"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas decorations, I'm converting my house into a Chinese restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into a Chinese restaurant"

"To be a success in business, be daring, be first, be different"

"To be a successful fisherman you should get there yesterday when the fish were biting"

"To be disillusioned, one first must be illusioned"

"To be fair, I should stay out of the sun"

"To be hated for loving freedom has been the weirdest experience of my life"

"To be honest, I’ve wanted to spray a lot of people with Lysol before this all started"

"To be Irish is to know that, in the end, the world will break your heart"

"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid"

"To be scary on Halloween, carry a school fundraising packet to every door"

"To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting"

"To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart"

"To be the best, you have to play the best"

"To be yourself in a world trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

"To brie or not to brie" (cheese pun)

"To clarify: Teachers are not 'off for the summer,' they are 'in recovery'"

"To clarify: Teachers are not 'off for the summer.' We are 'in recovery'"

"To conquer a nation, first disarm its citizens"

"To die for" (an excellent food dish)

"To Do: 1. Get my finances in order 2. Get finances"

"To do important work, two things are necessary: a plan and not quite enough time"

"To do list: Become teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell class they shall not pass"

"To do the impossible, you need to ignore the popular"

"To eat is human; to digest, divine"

"To eat is human; to drink wine, divine"

"To err is human. To arr is pirate"

"To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential"

"To err is human; to forgive is against company policy"

"To err is human; to hedge divine" (Wall Street proverb)

"To err is human, yet we must prove that we are not robots by entering captions flawlessly"

"To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday"

"To feel 'fit as a fiddle,' you must tone down your middle"

"To finish first, first you must finish" (auto racing adage)

"To get along, go along" (Sam Rayburn)

"To get to the time machine."/"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To give the news impartially, without fear or favor" (New York Times)

"To go forward, put it in D; to go backward, put it in R" (D=drive, Democrat; R=reverse, Republican)

"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart"

"To have and to hold and to keep your beer cold" (koozie saying)

"To have and to hold and to keep your drink cold" (koozie saying)

"To have your head in the sand, you have to first be on your knees"

"To hell with the Constitution when the people want coal!"

"To Insure Promptness" ("tip" false etymology)

"To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. It's painstaking"

"To know and not to do is not to know"

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize" (Voltaire?)

"To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee….coffee"

"To make us love our city, we must make our city lovely" (Municipal Art Society motto)

"To me, 'drink responsibly' means don't spill it"

"To me, essential oils are what drips out of tacos"

"To my customer: I may not have the answer, but I'll find it..."

"To neigh or not to neigh, that is equestrian"

"To people who put antlers and a nose on their car for Christmas: You can't trick me. That's a car!"

"To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow"

"To ride a horse or not to ride a horse, that is equestrian"

"To ride horses or not to ride horses, that is equestrian"

"To speculate in Wall Street when you are no longer an insider, is like buying cows by candlelight"

"To survive in a nation of sheep, ruled by wolves, owned by pigs, you must become a lion"

"To stay healthy this spring I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury's Creme Eggs"

"To stay out of hot water when brewing a pun, it is best to use subtle tea"

"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner" (joke)

"To the guy who found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you"

"To the musicians playing it, New York is 'The Big Apple'" (New York Is book, 1959)

"To the musicians playing it, New York is ‘The Big Apple‘" (New York Is book, 1959)

"To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like"

"To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this"

"To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts"

"To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now"

"To the right of Ivan the Terrible/ Attila the Hun/ Genghis Khan"

"To the victor belongs the spoils" (Spoils System)

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"

"To the world, you may just be one crazy vegan. To the animals, you are their only hope"

"To those turning in your neighbors and local businesses, you did the reich thing"

"To thrive in life you need three bones: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone"

T.O. (Toronto, Canada nickname)

"To trot or not to trot, that is equestrian"

"To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it"

"To understand paranoid people better, follow them around"

Toast ("burned" football cornerback)

"Toast is just bread jerky"

"Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before"

"Toast is just twice-baked bread"

Toast (sports slang)

Toaster (Columbia University Law School)

"Toasters are like tanning beds for bread"

"Toasters should have a window so you can see how toasted your bread is before it burns"

"Toasters were the first pop-up notification"

Tobacco Onions

"Tobacco, weed, beer and whiskey are all made from plants... I think I might be a vegetarian!!"

"To beer or not to beer, that's a stupid question -- Shakesbeere"

TOBO or TURBO (turkey on bagel omelet)

"Today a peacock, tomorrow a feather duster" (business axiom)

"Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard"

"Today, I found a penny. It reminded me of you" (joke)

"Today I got tested to see if I’m sick. Tomorrow I’ll go to the cemetery to see if I’m dead"

"Today I learned that British imperial florida ounces are different from US florida ounces"

"Today I learned that 'Wet Floor' signs are not a request"

"Today I was drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is"

"Today, I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"

"Today, I will be as useless as the 'g' in lasagna"

"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry"

"Today I will drink coffee, smile and be thankful"

"Today, I woke up and realized my muffin top has become a pound cake"

"Today I'd like to sit and sip, forget the world a little bit"

"Today I'm having a vision problem. I can't see myself doing anything at all"

"Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have four stomachs..." (joke)

"Today is a gift -- that's why it's called the present"

"Today is April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day" (April 1)

"Today is International Women's Day" (joke)

"Today is like coffee. It will be as good as you make it"

"Today is one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee"

"Today/Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one"

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday.."

"Today we march, tomorrow we vote"

"Today's advice: Sing Christmas carols at work until they send you home"

"Today's advice: Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home"

"Today's American Dream is to be left the fuck alone"

"Today's date is 7/11, which is convenient"

"Today's forecast: 100% chance of coffee"

"Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of coffee!"

"Today's Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some shit in between"

"Today's Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some stuff in between"

"Today's good mood is brought to you by coffee"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by alcohol"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by beer"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by coffee"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by vodka"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by wine"

"Today's gossip is tomorrow's headline"

"Today's Monday is sponsored by coffee"

"Today's plan? Drink coffee and be awesome"

"Today's problems are yesterday's solutions"

"Today's Soup: Whiskey with ice croutons"

"Today’s weather? Room temperature" (quarantine joke)

"Today's yoga pose is Downward Spiral"

Toddy (Hot Toddy)

Toffee Apple

"Tofu are savory marshmallows"

"Tofu are savoury marshmallows"

"Tofu is just savory jello"

"Tofu is just savoury jello"

"Tofu is just soy cheese"

"Tofu is just soy milk cheese"

"Tofu is just soya cheese"

"Tofu is just soya milk cheese"

"Tofu is just soymilk cheese"

"Tofu is overrated. It's just a curd to me"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Tofu never screams"

Tofucken (tofu + turducken)

"Together Everyone Achieves More" (TEAM)

"Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

Togetherment (suggested name for "apartment")

"Toi, toi, toi" (good luck saying)

"Toilet paper hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking"

Toilet Paper of Record (New York Times nickname)

Toilet Paper (or, Medicated Paper)

Toilet-to-Tap (recycled water)

Tokambrian (token + Cambrian); Tokambrian Explosion

"Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking..."

"Tom Landry is such a perfectionist he'd expect Raquel Welch to cook"

Tom Turkey

Tom Yam or Tom Yum (Thai soup)

Tomahawk Dunk (basketball shot)

"Tomato soup is just a hot fruit smoothie"

Tomatonaise (tomato + mayonnaise)

Tombs Prison (and the "Bridge of Sighs")

Tombstone Agency

"Tomorrow -- a mystical land where 99% of human productivity is stored"

"Tomorrow doesn't care what today's food tasted like"

"Tomorrow Happens Here" (SXSW slogan)

"Tomorrow is April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day" (March 31)

"Tomorrow isn't guaranteed... Tell someone you don't like to fuck off today"

"Tom's Diner" (Nov. 18, 1981; 1984, 1987)

TomTato (tomato + potato)

"Tonic water implies the existence of dominant water"

"Tonic water implies the existence of mediant water and dominant water"

"Tonic water tastes like if 7 Up had depression"

"Tonight, I'll be having my favorite drink. It's called a lot"

"Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called 'a lot'"

"Tonight's Powerball jackpot is a full tank of unleaded gas and a sheet of plywood"

Tonkatsu (Japanese pork cutlet)

Tonkatsu Sauce

Tony Award

"Too bad alcohol isn't heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick's Day"

"Too big to comply"

"Too big to fail" (TBTF)

"Too big to jail"

"Too big to prosecute"

"Too caustic? To hell with the cost, we'll make the picture anyway"

"Too close to call"

"Too Cold To Keep Changing Sign. Sin Bad. Jesus Good. Details Inside" (church sign)

"Too cool for school"

"Too dumb for New York City, too ugly for L.A."

"Too good to check" (journalism adage)

"Too Hot To Keep Changing Sign. Sin Bad. Jesus Good. Details Inside" (church sign)

"Too many chiefs and not enough Indians"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold"

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe, NYC; Darrell Royal)

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe slogan)

"Too much attention to the pigskin doesn't help the sheepskin" (sports vs. academics)

"'Too much milk left need more cereal' always leads to 'too much cereal need more milk'"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert"

"Too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash"

"Too small to bail"

"Too soon!" (comedy saying)

Too Stupid for Arby's (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Too thin to plow, too thick to drink" (Rio Grande)

"Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name"

"Took a tip to buy shares in fermented apple juice. Got accused of in cider trading"

Tools of Ignorance (baseball catcher's equipment)

"Toot and scramble" (tout ensemble)

TOOTBLAN (Thrown Out On The Basepaths Like A Nincompoop)

"Toothpaste before orange juice equals death"

Tootsie Roll

"Tootsie Rolls are just chocolate Starbursts"

"Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?"

Top Banana & Second Banana

Top Dog (a boss or leader)

Top Dollar

Top of Texas (Pampa slogan)

"Top Ramen implies the existence of Bottom Ramen"

Top Shelf (premium or best quality liquor)

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology"

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology, and they both study holes"

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology and versology"

Toppy

"Tops are a process and bottoms are an event" (Wall Street adage)

Torikatsu or Tori Katsu (Chicken Katsu)

Tornado Alley

"Tornado warning in central Texas! Everyone head to Cowboys Stadium. No chance of a touchdown there"

Toronto the Good (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Torpedo Sandwich

Torpedo Soup (Malaysian bull's penis soup)

Tortilla

Tortilla Chip

Tortilla Chips and Salsa (State Snack)

Tortilla Curtain & Cactus Curtain

Tortilla Soup (Sopa de Tortilla)

Tortilla Soup or Sopa de Tortilla (Aztec Soup or Sopa Azteca)

Torture All Kids Severely ("TAKS" backronym)

Torygraph (Telegraph nickname)

Tosc-Mex or Tusc-Mex (Tuscany, Italy + Tex-Mex cuisine)

"Toss your hair in a bun, drink some coffee, put on some gangsta rap and handle it"

"Toss your hair in a bun, drink some coffee, put on some music and handle it"

Tostada Burger

Tostada (Tostado)

"Tostadas are just flat tacos"

Total Sexual Assault (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Totalitolerance (totalitarian + tolerance)

Totally Stupid Assholes (Tranportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Totchos (tater tots + nachos)

Totopo

TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States)

Touch Football

"Tough love"

Tough Shit, America (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Tough shit if you do not eat enough fiber"

"Tough times don't last, tough people do"

"Tough tomatoes!"

"Tougher than a two-dollar steak"

"Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors" (joke)

Toughest Town in Texas (Luling slogan)

Tour de Brooklyn

"Tourists are terrorists with cameras; terrorists are tourists with guns"

Tout TV

Town Without a Frown (Happy slogan)

Townie (tart + brownie)

Toxic City (Texas City nickname)

Toxic Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toxic Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toxicana (Texarkana nickname)

Toy District (Toy Center)

"TP hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years"

TPTB or PTB (The Powers That Be)

TPTSB or PTSB (The Powers That Shouldn't Be)

Track Pizza

Track Town, USA (Eugene nickname)

"Trade follows the flag"

"Trade him for a six pack. It doesn’t even have to be cold"

"Trade the first day, and stay away"

"Trade wars are tariffying" (tariff + terrifying)

"Trade what you see, not what you think"

Trader Hoe's (Trader Joe's nickname)

Trader Vic's Columbia (cocktail)

"Traders drive Chevrolets, investors drive Cadillacs"

"Traders would cut your heart out for an eighth of a point" (Wall Street saying)

"Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people"

"Tradition never graduates"

"Traffic and weather together" (on the "1s" or "8s")

Traffic Court

"Traffic is like real life buffering"

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"

Tragic Number

Trail Mix

"Trail mix is just M&M's with obstacles"

"Trail mix is just a deconstructed granola bar"

"Trail them, nail them and jail them" ("Surveil them, nail them and jail them")

"Train because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Train, don't strain" (exercise adage)

"Train insane or remain the same"

"Training is like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired"

Training Table

Trainmageddon or Trainageddon (train + Armageddon)

"Trains are just boring rollercoasters"

"Trains are just horizontal elevators" ("Trains are just sideways elevators")

Trainwreck (Texas Natural Resource Conservation Commission or TNRCC nickname)

Traitorcrat (traitor + bureaucrat/Democrat)

"Trans fat implies the existence of cis fat"

"Trans girls float really well. They're boyn't"

"Trans rights are human rights"

Transfarency (transparency + fare)

"Transfat implies the existence of cisfat"

"Transformation happens on the other side of surrender"

"Transgender rights are human rights"

Translaptation (translation + adaptation)

Translender

Transportation (Second Avenue Subway; Lower Manhattan link to JFK)

Trans-slender

TRAP Law or TRAP Bill (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers)

"Traps for the chaps" (weightlifting saying)

Trashed Tuesday (Trashy Tuesday)

Trashuries (trash + Treasuries)

Trashy Tuesday (Tuesday night gay bar-hopping in Dallas)

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer"

"Travel plans: To the window, to the wall, then I might go down the hall"

"Traveling is like sitting in a moving waiting room"

Tray Stackers Association (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Trayvonista (Trayvon Martin + -ista)

"Tread on those who tread on you"

Treadmill of Mediocrity (Mediocrity Treadmill)

"Treadmills are hamster wheels for humans"

"Treason is the reason for the season" (Independence Day)

Treason magazine (Reason magazine nickname)

Treasoncrat (treason + bureaucrat/Democrat)

Treasure Island of America (Galveston nickname)

"Treat a password like a toothbrush. Don't let anybody use it; get a new one every six months"

"Treat new plays like classics and classics like new plays"

"Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO"

Treaty Oak (of Austin)

Tree-hugger

"Tree men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Tree of Hope

Trekathon (trek + marathon)

"Tremendously Grateful It's Friday" (TGIF)

Tremonter (inhabitant of Tremont, Bronx)

"Trend is not destiny"

Tres Leches (three milks cake)

"Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purdy mouth"

"Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purty mouth"

"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again" (property sign)

Tri-State Area (New York, New Jersey and Connecticut)

Triangle Numbers (a player's height, weight and speed)

"Triangle of Sadness is me self-medicating with this family size bag of Doritos"

TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street)

Tribeca Design District

Tribecan (inhabitant of Tribeca, Manhattan)

Triburbia

"Trick or Treat" ("Trick or Treat for UNICEF")

"Trick or treat, bags of sweets, ghosts are walking down the street"

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat"

"Tricks or treats, money or eats!" (Halloween shout)

"Trick or tweet" ("trick or treat" variation)

Trickle-Down Economics

Tricolor Salad (Insalata Tricolore)

Tridemic (flu + RSV + COVID)

"Tried the pay phone, but used my donor card instead of my calling card. It cost me an arm and a leg"

"Tried to start a dating site for chickens, but it didn't work out. It was hard to make hens meet"

Trikini (tri- + bikini; a bikini with a face mask)

"Trillion is the new billion"

"Trimming the tree with happy hearts, that's the way the holiday starts"

Triple A-Stros (Houston Astros nickname)

Triple Bottom Line

Triple Bypass Tour (Lockhart's Black's Barbecue, Kreuz Barbecue, Smitty's Market)

Triple Crown or Mandarin Triple Crown (Chinese dish of shrimp, beef and chicken)

Triple Delight (Chinese dish of chicken, beef and shrimp)

Triple-double (basketball statistic)

Triple H (hazy, hot and humid)

Triple Harvest (Chinese dish of beef, chicken and shrimp)

Triple Threat (acting, singing, dancing)

Triple Threat (football)

Triple Witching Hour/Day (Quadruple Witching Hour/Day)

Triquini (tri- + quarantine + bikini; a bikini with a face mask)

"Tris for the guys" (weightlifting saying)

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a monoscuit"

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a quadriscuit"

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a uniscuit"

"Triscuits are just savory Mini-Wheats"

"Triscuits are the only snack that taste exactly like the box they come in"

"Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture"

"Triscuits are what I imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like"

Troika (European Commission, European Central Bank, International Monetary Fund)

(Trolley) Dodgers (National League baseball team, now in Los Angeles)

Trolley Series (1889 World Series, Brooklyn Bridegrooms vs. New York Giants)

Tropical Playground of Texas (Harlingen nickname)

"Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes"

Troy: Boston Shake (Boston Milkshake)

Troy: COB Pizza (cheese-on-bottom)

Troy: Collar City (nickname)

Troy: Laundryville (nickname)

"Truckin'" or "Truck on Down" (1935)

"Trucks carrying beef and beans collided. It caused chili con carnage"

"True beauty is within -- for example, opening your fridge"

"True fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home"

"True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically"

True Happiness Ended Since It Started ("thesis" backronym)

"True house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid"

"True medicine comes from the earth, not from a lab"

"True terror is waking one morning and discovering your high school class running the country"

"True words are not always pretty, and pretty words are not always true"

True York City (true + New York City)

Trunk Song

"Trust is like a paper. once it's crumpled it can't be perfect again"

"Trust because you are willing to accept the risk, not because it’s safe or certain"

"Trust is good, control is better"

"Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose"

"Trust is like an eraser -- it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake"

"Trust is like virginity -- once you lose it, it's lost forever"

"Trust me, you can dance. -- Vodka"

"Trust the government, said no founding father, ever"

"Trust the process"

"'Trust the Science' is a euphemism for 'Trust the System'"

"Trust your neighbor, but brand your cattle"

"Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter"

Truth Bomb (Truth Bomber; Truth Bombing)

"Truth has no agenda"

"Truth has no expiration date" ("Truth never perishes")

"Truth is a debit card -- pay first, enjoy later. Lie is a credit card -- enjoy first, pay later"

"Truth is authority. Authority is not truth"

"Truth is the new hate speech"

"Truth is treason in the empire of lies"

"Truth, Justice and the Comics" (New York Newsday)

"Truth sounds like hate to those who hate the truth"

"Truth sounds like hate to those who hate truth"

Truther or Troofer/Trufer (9/11 Truth movement follower)

Truthtard (truther + retard)

"Try and fail, but don't fail to try"

"Try is a small word that makes a big difference"

"Try my new recipe. They're called shut the fucupcakes"

"Try Organic Food...or as your grandparents called it, 'food'"

"Try Relying Upon Steps and Traditions" ("trust" backronym)

Try Walking Across or Try Walking Again (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

"Trying to pick my favorite politician is like trying to decide which STD is just right for me"

"Trying to pick my favorite politician is like trying to decide which STD would be best for me"

"Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9"

"Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the colour 9"

"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8"

"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 9"

Trylon and Perisphere (1939); Unisphere (1964)

"It's a hundred and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus"

Tube Steak (Tubesteak)

"Tuck Fexas"

Tudor City

"Tuesday is just Monday's ugly sister"

"Tuesday is just Monday's evil twin"

"Tuesday is just second Monday"

"Tuesday isn't so bad. It's a sign that I've somehow survived Monday"

Tulipcoin (tulip mania + bitcoin)

Tump

"Tuna is the pulled pork of the sea"

Tuna Noodle Casserole

Tuna Tetrazzini

Tungsten Territory (Broadway)

Tunnel of Fudge Cake

Tunnelgeddon (tunnel + Armageddon)

"Tupperware more like tupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID"

"Tupperware more like tupperWHERE THE HELL IS THE LID"

Turbaconducken (Turducken wrapped in bacon)

Turbo Tuesday

Turboparalysis

"TurboTax is the worst computer game ever"

"TurboTax is the worst video game ever"

"Turbulence is the pot hole of the sky"

"Turbulence is the pothole of the sky"

Turd Blossom

Turd Press or TurdPress (WordPress nickname)

Turd Sandwich

TurdPress or Turd Press (WordPress nickname)

Turducken (Churkendoose; Chuckey; Churkey; Qua-duc-ant; Osturducken)

"Turducken is the matryoshka doll of meats"

"Turducken is the Russian nesting doll of holiday meals"

Turista (traveler's diarrhea)

Turketarian or Turkeytarian (turkey eater)

Turkey (a flop production); Turkey Show

Turkey Dance (Thanksgiving football sack dance) & Funky Chicken Dance

Turkey Day (Thanksgiving Day)

Turkey Manhattan & Roast Beef Manhattan

Turkey Tamale Pie (Turkey Tamales)

Turkey Tetrazzini

"Turkeys don't vote for Christmas"

Turkish Day Parade

"Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday"

"Turn Around, Don't Drown" (flash flood warning)

"Turn in your weapons. The government will take care of you"

"Turn out the lights. The party's over"

"Turn the key, be idle free" (anti-idling slogan)

"Turn your sets off there" (an insurmountable lead)

"Turn your worry into worship and watch God turn your battles into blessings"

Turnaround Tuesday

"Turning on your lights and siren after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and sirens after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

Turnkey Tyranny

"Turns out my three hobbies are eating at restaurants, shopping at nonessential businesses..."

"Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks"

Tuttorosso Pasta Eating Competition

Tuxedo Park: Tuxedo (clothing)

"TV said if I get all my booster shots, eat bugs, and get an electric car that the weather would get gooder"

TWA Tea (dirty joke)

Twatter (Twitter nickname)

Twatzi (Twitter + twat + Nazi)

Twecipe (Twitter recipe)

Tweeding or Tweeded (after William M. Tweed)

"Tweet what you want. We can delete it in the morning. -- Alcohol"

Tweezer Food

"Twelve-Thirty"(1968)

Twenty-Minute Actor (vaudevillian)

Twenty-Three Skidoo (23rd Street myth)

Twerk (redneck for "to work")

Twice as Nice & Where Life Is So Large It Takes Two States (Texarkana slogans)

"Twick or tweat" ("trick or treat" variation)

"Twick or tweet" ("trick or treat" variation)

Twidiocracy (Twitter + idiocracy)

Twin Cities (Minneapolis and St. Paul)

Twindemic (twin + -demic)

Twinkies (Twin Donut's donut holes)

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Point me to the nearest bar"

Twiplomacy (Twitter + diplomacy)

Twisted Tuesday

"Twister is just competitive yoga"

Twitmo (Twitter + Gitmo)

"Twitter becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"Twitter brought it to my attention that I offended some of you. I apologize. I meant to offend all"

"Twitter crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Twitter doesn't ban hate speech. Twitter bans speech it hates"

"Twitter is a handy and constant reminder that socialists are disgusting people"

"Twitter is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"Twitter is for people who like to talk to themselves"

"Twitter is for people who talk to themselves and enjoy their own company"

"Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone"

"Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better"

"Twitter is like a fridge..."

"Twitter is my morning newspaper"

"Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends, but..."

"Twitter isn't an app. It's a lifestyle"

"Twitter isn't just an app, it's a lifestyle"

"Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Twitter makes you love people you've never met; Facebook makes you hate people you actually know"

"Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Twitter: Where people come to argue with jokes"

Twitterette (user of Twitter)

"Twix have an endoskeleton and M&M's have an exoskeleton"

"Twizzlers taste like they made a toy at first and then said nvm yall just eat it"

"Twizzlers are beef jerky for vegans"

"Twizzlers are just candy beef jerky"

"Twizzlers are just candy Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just gay beef jerky"

"Twizzlers are just gay Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just sugar jerky"

"Twizzlers are just vegan Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just vegetarian Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are the beef jerky of candy"

"Twizzlers taste like they was almost finna be a toy"

"Twizzlers taste like they were almost about to be a toy"

"Two and barbecue"

"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married" (joke)

"Two apples met, fell in love and got married. They lived appley ever after"

"Two bacteria walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest"

"Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it"

Two Bridges

"Two can eat as cheaply as one"

"Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym..." (joke)

"Two cats sit on a roof. Which falls off first?"/"The one with the smaller mu."

Two Cents Plain

"Two chemists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two choices: take it or leave it" (food menu joke)

"Two clowns are eating a cannibal" (joke)

"Two condoms walk past a gay bar..." (joke)

"Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven..." (9/11 joke)

"Two Corinthians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two crisps are walking down the road..." (Walkers crisps joke)

"Two crows walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two deer walk out of a gay bar..." (bar joke)

Two Dow Shay (two show day)

"Two dragons walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants and cymbals fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom boom!"

"Two elves walk into a bar. A dwarf walks under it" (bar joke)

"Two elves walk into a bar. A hobbit walks under it" (bar joke)

Two Face (chocolate and rainbow sprinkles)

"Two faces and a ball" (sports photography rule)

"Two fermions walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says, 'Play better. Tomorrow, we're in the cup!'"

"Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?" (cheer)

"Two guys walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two immigrants order hot dogs. One asks, 'What part did you get?'"

"Two impeachments is unpresidented"

"Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs"

"Two Jews, three opinions"

"Two Karens are out having dinner. The waiter stopped by their table and said, 'Is anything OK?'"

Two Left Feet (clumsy at dancing)

"Two managers talk to each other"

"Two men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two men walk into a bar. The first orders H2O..." (bar joke)

"Two mutes walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Two-Napkin, Three-Napkin, Four-Napkin or Five-Napkin Burger

Two New Yorks; Other New York; How the Other Half Lives

"Two nudists were discussing politics. One asks, 'Have you read Marx?'" ("red marks" joke)

"Two oranges walk into a bar..." (joke)

"Two-out hits will get you to heaven" (baseball adage)

"Two overachievers walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts walk out of a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts were walking down the street -- one was assaulted" (joke)

"Two penguins walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two people lectured me on brown bread. I think they're Hovis witnesses"

"Two quotation marks 'walk into' a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two random variables were talking in a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two reasons we don't trust people: 1. We don't know them, 2. We know them"

"Two reasons why I don't give money to homeless people..." (joke)

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two rules for this heat: 1. Drink a lot of water, 2. Watch how you talk to me"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay out of mine"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay the fuck out of mine"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay the hell outta mine"

"Two seasons -- winter and August"

Two-Sewer Man (stickball term)

"Two sewing machines walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two sheep from Boston walk into a baaaaaaa" (bar joke)

"Two sheep walk into a baaaaaa" (bar joke)

"Two sheep walk into a New York City pizzeria..." (joke)

"Two sheep walk into a pub..." (bar joke)

"Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie"

"Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast"

"Two things are important in politics: The first is money and I can't remember the second"

"Two things to make your day better: 1. Do not watch the news. 2. Stay off the bathroom scales"

"Two types of people: People who think the government is looking out for their best interest..."

"Two vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two whales walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two wings of the same bird of prey"

"Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test..." (bar joke)

"Two words on how to pitch -- throw strikes" (baseball saying)

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but two margaritas usually do"

"Two wrongs don't make it right, but two margaritas usually do"

"Two zombies were at a graduation party. One asked, 'How was the grad you ate?'"

Twofer

Twok ("fork" with two prongs/tines)

TWTW (The Will To Win)

"Tyler and Texas!"

Tylerite (inhabitant of Tyler)

Typhoid Mary

Typing Pool or Stenography Pool (press corps nickname)

"Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry"

"Tyranny is never invincible"

"Tyranny is that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry"

Tyranny of Good Intentions

"Tyrants are not the problem. People obeying tyrants is the only problem"

"Tzatziki is just Greek ranch dressing"

"Tzatziki is Mediterranean ranch dressing"

"u believe in stars? fool. those are the holes poked in the container so we can breathe"

"U-Haul in Texas is called Yee-Haul"

"U.S. Air Force: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"U.S. Army: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"U.S. Army: Our job is to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"U.S. Navy: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"U.S. Navy: Our job is to defend your ass, not kiss it"

U. S. Open (tennis)

U Signed the Motherfucking Contract ("USMC" backronym)

U Suckers Missed Christmas ("USMC" backronym)

"Ugh...January. The whole month is just a giant Monday"

"Ugliest, filthiest, shittiest city in the world" (Henry Miller)

Ugly Sticks or Ugli Sticks (breadsticks)

Ulcer County (Madison Avenue advertising agencies)

Ulcer County (Madison Avenue advertising agencies)

Ulcer Gulch (Madison Avenue)

ULURP (Uniform Land Use Review Procedure)

Umpire Rock (Central Park)

Un-American Statesman (Austin American-Statesman nickname)

"Un cuadrangular en sabor (A home run of flavor)" (El Nuevo Caridad restaurant)

Un-Texas (Austin nickname)

"Unattended children will be given an energy drink and taught to swear" (sign)

"Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy"

"Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten"

Unbanking (Unbanked)

Unbought and Unbossed

Uncle Fedster (Uncle Sam + Fedster)

Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet ("U.S. Army" backronym)

Uncle Sam Day

Uncle Sam (summary)

Uncle Sam's Canoe Club (United States Navy nickname)

Uncle Sam's Confused Group (United States Coast Guard or USCG backronym)

Uncle Sam's Misguided Children (United States Marine Corps or USMC nickname)

Uncle Sam's Motorcycle Club ("USMC" backronym)

Uncle Sam's Mountain Climbers ("USMC" backronym)

Uncle Sam's Pocket Handkerchief (Delaware nickname)

Uncle Scam (Uncle Sam + scam)

Uncle Sugar (Uncle Sam + sugar daddy)

Uncle Tom's Cabin or Black Tin Pan Alley (Gaiety Building)

UnConvention Center (Pier 94)

"Uncork and unwind" (wine saying)

"Under capitalism, man exploits man; under communism, it is the other way around''

Under Staffed, Can't Go (United States Coast Guard or USCG backronym)

Under Surveillance Always ("USA" backronym)

"Under the table" (secretly or covertly, often said of a payment)

Underbanking (Underbanked)

"Undercooked meat is a rare treat"

"Underpromise and overdeliver" (business adage)

"Understand paranoid people better by following them around"

"Understanding two words will open the most doors for you. Push and pull"

Undertow Election

Underwater Basket Weaving (easy, nonsense college course)

Underwear Olympics (NFL scouting combine for draft prospects)

Undocumented Democrat (illegal alien nickname)

"Unexpected side effect of Taco Tuesday? Wet Fart Wednesday"

Unicorn Farts (imaginary clean energy source)

"Unicorn (noun) -- A single piece of corn"

Unicorn Wine

Unidentified Frying Object (UFO)

Union des Bandits Suisses (UBS nickname)

"Unions, because it’s VERY unlikely three spirits will appear and scare your boss"

"Unions... because the chance of 3 ghosts visiting your boss to make him do the right thing is slim"

Uniparty

Unique by Nature (McKinney slogan)

Unique Dining Capital of Texas (Roanoke nickname)

Unique New York (tongue twister)

Uniscuit or Monoscuit (similar to "biscuit" and "Triscuit")

"Uniscuit, Biscuit, Triscuit, Quadscuit"

United Bank of Swindlers or Union Bank of Swindlers (UBS nickname)

United Nazis (United Nations nickname)

United Nuts (United Nations nickname)

United Package Smashers or United Parcel Smashers (United Parcel Service or UPS nickname)

United Snakes (United States nickname)

United Stasi of America ("USA" backronym)

"United States of America: You mean Texas and its 49 bitches"

United States of Amnesia

United We Stand (9-11 slogan)

University in Exile (New School for Social Research)

"University is just like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you"

University of Havana-North (Columbia University)

University of Life

University of Science, Music and Culture ("USMC" backronym)

University of Texas at Omaha

"University priorities: football for alumni, parking for faculty, sex for students"

"Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade's going to suck"

"Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you"

"Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout"

"Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going"

"Unless you put the word beer in front of it, don’t ask me if I want to go for a run"

"Unless you put the word beer in front of it, don’t ask me if I want to go for a run"

"Unlike a man, a margarita hits the spot every time"

"Unlike men, a margarita hits the spot every time"

"Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it's empty"

Unlimited Shit and Mass Confusion ("USMC" backronym)

"Unlocking your phone with facial recognition must suck if you're a twin"

"Unmasked. Unmuzzled. Unvaccinated. Unafraid"

"Unmasked. Untested. Unvaxxed. Unafraid"

"Unmasked. Unvaccinated. Unapologetic. Unafraid"

Unring the Bell (impossibility of taking back a statement or action)

"Unsalted saltine crackers should not exist"

"Unsalted Saltines should be called Justines"

"Unsalted saltines should just be called ines"

"Unsalted saltines should just be called plaintines"

"Unsalted saltines should just be called unsaltines"

"Unsustainable is the new normal" ("Fiscal crisis is the new normal")

"Unsweetened tea isn't actually unsweetened, it's non-sweetened"

Untaper

"Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities, you can't begin to explore your possibilities"

"Unvaccinated people did their homework early on..."

"Unvaccinated sperm is the new Bitcoin"

"Unvaccinated sperm is the next Bitcoin"

"Unvaxxed sperm is the new Bitcoin"

"Unvaxxed sperm is the next Bitcoin"

Unwashed ("the great unwashed")

"Unwritten rule of the internet: If your debating someone, you better have proper grammar..."

"Up a staircase, down an elevator" (Wall Street adage)

Up or Down Vote (thumbs up or thumbs down)

"Up the fuck we must wake"

"Up the river, down the lake; the pitcher's got a bellyache"

"Up your butt and around the corner"

"Up your butt and around the corner through your tubes and out your boobs"

UpChuck E. Cheese or Upchucky Cheese (Chuck E. Cheese's nickname)

"Upkeep of most Chinese restaurants is Lo Meintenance"

Uplift Town (McLean nickname)

Upper Ten (Thousand)

Upper West Fest

Upstate Manhattan (Washington Heights & Inwood)

Upstuck (poker winning/losing)

Uptown Arts Stroll

"Uptown, not uptight and decidedly New York" (Le Parker Meridien)

Uptowner

Urban Harvest

Urban Jungle; Concrete Jungle; Asphalt Jungle

Urban Ranger

Urinalist (urine/urinal + journalist)

U.S. Chamber of Crony Capitalism (U.S. Chamber of Commerce nickname)

"Us fat guys just want to get into your pantries"

USAtheist (USA + atheist)

"Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without"

"Use the word 'beans' in a sentence."/"We are all human beans."

Used Beer Department (restroom, especially in a bar)

"Used Beer Department -- Two Shake Maximum" (restroom sign, especially in a bar)

Used Coffee Department (restroom or toilet)

Useful Idiot

Useless Nations (United Nations nickname)

UselessTube (YouTube nickname)

"Using cash is like telling the government what you buy is none of their fucking business"

"Using your turn signal is not 'giving information to the enemy'"

USSA (United Socialist States of America or United States of Socialist America)

UTEP Two-Step (basketball dribble)

Utica: Chicken Riggies

Utica: City that God Forgot (nickname)

Utica: Half-Moon (cookie)

Utica: Handshake City (nickname)

Utica: Jelly Bun

Utica: Second Chance City (nickname)

Uvaldean (inhabitant of Uvalde)

U've Been Sacked (UBS nickname)

V-J Day Kiss (August 14, 1945)

"V8 is essentially cold vegetable soup"

"V8 is just cold tomato soup"

"Vacation calories don't count" ("Calories don't count on vacation")

"Vacations are easy to plan — your boss tells you when, and your wife tells you where"

Vaccassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaccassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

Vaccident or Vaxxident or Vaxxxident (vaccine + accident)

"Vaccinated people act like they died on the cross for our sins. Calm down Jabus Christ"

Vaccinazi (vaccine + Nazi)

Vaccine Bouncer or Vax Bouncer or Vaxx Bouncer

"Vaccines are the leading cause of coincidence"

"Vaccines cause adults" (pro-vaccination slogan)

Vaccism or Vacism or Vaxism or Vaxxism

"Vaccism is the new racism"

Vacism or Vaccism or Vaxism or Vaxxism

"Vacism is the new racism"

Vackseen (variant spelling of "vaccine")

Vackseenz (variant spelling of "vaccines")

Vacksinashun (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Vacksinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Vacksination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Vagenda (vagina + agenda)

"Vaginas are like gyms..." (NSFW joke)

Vain Stem (vain + Main Stem, for Broadway)

VaJINO (vagina + Jew In Name Only)

"Valentine’s Day is great, but the real holiday is February 15th, when all the candy goes on sale"

"Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is"

"Valentine's Day plan: Breakfast in bed; Watch movie; Dinner for two; Regret eating two dinners"

Valley of Ashes (now Flushing Meadows Corona Park)

Valluco

Value Investing (Value Investor)

Vampire REO

Vampire Squid (Goldman Sachs nickname)

"Vanilla extract is the garlic of baking"

"Vanilla extract is the ketchup of baking"

Vanilla (plain or ordinary)

VanillaISIS or Vanilla ISIS (vanilla + ISIS)

Vanity Address

Vaporize (money that vanishes)

Variety

Variety Meats

Vatican of Saloons (P. J. Clarke's nickname)

Vaticanista (Vatican correspondent)

Vaudeville

Vax Bouncer or Vaccine Bouncer or Vaxx Bouncer

"Vax passports do not stop the spread of a virus. They stop the spread of freedom"

Vaxassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaxassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

Vaxdemic (vaccine + epidemic/pandemic)

Vaxie or Vaxxie (vaccine/vaccination selfie)

Vaxism or Vacism or Vaccism or Vaxxism

"Vaxism is the new racism"

Vaxist or Vaxxist

Vaxlash (vaccine + backlash)

Vaxport or Vaxxport (vaccine passport)

Vaxtard (vaccine + retard)

Vaxtastrophe or Vaxxtastrophe (vax/vaccine + catastrophe)

Vaxterminate (vaccine/vaccinate + exterminate)

Vaxtermination (vaccine/vaccination + extermination)

Vaxx Bouncer or Vaccine Bouncer or Vax Bouncer

Vaxxassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaxxassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

Vaxxecute (vaccinate + execute)

Vaxxecution (vaccination + execution)

"Vaxxed, waxed and ready for action"

"Vaxxed, waxed and ready to climax"

"Vaxxed, waxed and ready to party"

"Vaxxed, waxed and ready to relax"

Vaxxident or Vaxxxident or Vaccident (vaccine + accident)

Vaxxie or Vaxie (vaccine/vaccination selfie)

Vaxxism or Vacism or Vaccism or Vaxism

"Vaxxism is the new racism"

Vaxxist or Vaxist

Vaxxport or Vaxport (vaccine passport)

Vaxxtastrophe or Vaxtastrophe (vax/vaccine + catastrophe)

Vaxxxident or Vaxxident or Vaccident (vaccine + accident)

Veducation (vegetables + education)

Veep (vice president or VP)

Veepstakes (Veep + sweepstakes)

Veer (football offensive formation)

"Vegan: because I'm too cool to be cruel"

"Vegan chicken tenders should be called chicken pretenders"

Vegan Chili

"Vegan food ain’t that bad once you add meat and cheese to it"

"Vegan food isn’t that bad once you add meat and cheese to it"

"Vegan is not a diet. It is a choice your heart makes"

"Veganism is not a diet. It is a choice your heart makes"

"Vegans are like adults. First you hate them, then you become one and realize they were right"

"Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

Veganuary (vegan + January)

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie"

Vegducken or Veggieducken (veggie + turducken)

"Vegemite is the Australian version of Marmite"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does baconnnnn"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does beeeeeeer"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does nachossss"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does pizzaaaaa"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does pizzzzzza"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again. so does steakkkkk"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does tacosssss"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does brownieee"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does burgerrrr"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does cakeeeeee"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does chocolate"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does cookiesss"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does doughnuts"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does dumplings"

"Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does meatballs"

"Vegetable soup is just a hot, wet salad"

"Vegetables are just crunchy water"

"Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter"

"Vegetarian bacon is a goddamn hate crime"

"Vegetarian chili is just bean curry"

Vegetarian Chili (Meatless Chili)

"Vegetarian ham radio enthusiasts use a cheese radio"

Veggie Burger

Veggie Confetti or Vegetable Confetti (Veggie Confetti Taco; Veggie Confetti Chili)

Vegucate (vegan/vegetarian + educate); Vegucation

"Vehicle insured by Smith & Wesson" (bumper sticker)

"Velveeta is the Spam of cheese"

"Velveeta is the Spam of cheeses"

"Velveeta is to cheese what Spam is to ham"

"Velveeta is to cheese what Spam is to meat"

"Velveeta is to Texas what SPAM is to Hawaii"

Velvet Rut (Austin music scene)

VENDEX (Vendor Information Exchange System)

Vendy Awards

"Veni, Vidi, Venti" ("I came, I saw, I ordered Starbucks coffee")

"Veni, Vidi, Visa" ("I came, I saw, I did a little shopping")

Venice of America (San Antonio nickname)

Venice of New York (Broad Channel)

Venison Chili (Deer Chili; Deer Meat Chili)

Venture Capital (Venture Capitalist; Venture Capitalism)

Venture Socialism

Venus of MacDougal Alley (nickname of model Audrey Munson)

"Veritas Liberabit Vos" (SMU motto)

"Verizon is a combination of vertical and horizontal"

Vermont: Green Mountain State (nickname)

Very Overpowering Drink, Killing Agony ("vodka" backronym)

Very Vanilla (very + vanilla)

Vesey Squeezey or Vesey Squeezy (pedestrian traffic at Vesey Street)

Vetch Capital of the World (Cooper nickname)

Veterans Abandoned (Department of Veterans Affairs or VA nickname)

Vichy Republican

Vichyssoise

Victicrat

Victim Disarmament (gun control)

Victorian (inhabitant of Victoria, Texas)

"Victory is a political fiction"

"Victory is a thousand times sweeter when you're the underdog"

"Victory is surrender. Lockdown is safety. Hysteria is virtue"

Victory Lap

Victory Lap (an extra year of school)

"Video games are just really intense thumb wars"

Vietnam (Morrisania Air Rights buildings)

Vietnamese Fajitas (Bo Nuong Xa)

"Viking by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"Vimto is a poor man's Ribena"

Vincent's Sauce

"Vinegar (wine's angry brother)"

"Vines creep, then leap" ("first year it sleeps, second year it creeps, third year it leaps")

Vintage Media

"Violence is the tool of the state. Knowledge and the mind are the tools of free people"

Violets, Bobcats (NYU teams)

Violets (cabbage)

"Violins are just guitars that play in cursive"

"Violins are played in cursive"

VIP (Very Important Person)

"Virgin Margarita? You mean green sadness water?"

Virginia: Beadle (nickname)

Virginia Farm Boys (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Virtual Kitchen

Virtual Restaurant

"Viruses come and go. Loss of freedom is forever"

"Viruses mutate over time. Covid started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test"

"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare"

"Vision without execution is hallucination"

"Visualize Whirled Peas" ("Visualize Word Peace" pun)

Vitamin B (beer)

Vitamin B (Victoria Bitter or VB nickname)

"Vitamin B? You mean beer?"

Vitamin G (grease)

Vitamin N (nature)

Vitamin of Memory (Thiamine or Thiamin or Vitamin B1 nickname)

Vitamin T (tequila and/or tortillas, tacos, tamales, tostadas, tortas, tlacoyos, tlayudas)

ViVa (Viaduct Valley)

"VIX is high, time to buy; VIX is low, time to go"

Vladimir Meyer (cocktail)

"Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka"

"Vodka has never been recalled for E. coli. Just saying"

"Vodka helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses"

"Vodka helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses"

"Vodka helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses"

"Vodka is healthy if you call it potato juice"

"Vodka is just angry water"

"Vodka is just awesome water"

"Vodka is just old potato juice"

"Vodka is just potato juice"

"Vodka is just spicy potato juice

"Vodka is karaoke fuel"

"Vodka is practically a health drink if you just call it 'potato juice'"

"Vodka is vegan"

"Vodka isn't a liquid. It's a solution"

"Vodka mixes well with everything. Except decisions"

"Vodka (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

"Vodka pays the bills"

Vodka Sauce (Penne alla Vodka; Rigatoni alla Vodka)

"Vodka sausages are the Absolut wurst"

"Vodka! Tequila! Whiskey! I call the shots!"

"Vogue" (1990)

"Voice, voice and more voice" (three requisites for an actor or singer)

Volcker Rule

"Volleyball is just a more intense version of 'don't let the balloon touch the floor'"

Volleyball (Volley Ball)

Volmageddon (volatility + Armageddon)

"Volume follows a trend"

"Volume is the weapon of the bull" (Wall Street adage)

"Volume is validity" (Wall Street adage)

"Volume measurement disputes are settled at the Supreme Quart"

"Voluntaryists: Diligently plotting to teach people that taxation is theft..."

Volunteer Capital of Texas (Comal County nickname)

Voodoo Economics

Vote-a-rama (Vote-a-thon)

"Vote as you please, but please vote"

"Vote blue, no matter who"

"Vote Conservative. If liberalism worked, you'd still be in California"

Vote early! Vote often!

"Vote for Nobody" (satire)

"Vote from the rooftops"

"Vote like your life depends on it"

"Vote like your rights depend on it"

"Vote or die"

"Vote with their feet"

"Vote with your fork"

"People will vote their pocketbooks"

"Voting comes naturally to cat owners. They're used to checking a box for a piece of shit"

"Voting Democrat/Republican is like competing in the Special Olympics..."

"Voting from the rooftops"

"Voting: Giving grown adults the illusion of control"

"Voting is like going to the movies. You suspend disbelief in a world of ridiculous fantasy..."

"Voting is like trying to fix a broken car by changing the driver"

"Voting is the adult version of writing a letter to Santa"

"Voting is the slave's suggestion box"

"Voting is trying to fix a broken car by changing the drivers"

VPOTUS (Vice President Of The United States)

Vuelve a la Vida ("Back to Life" or "Return to Life")

Waccabuc: New York's Secret Suburb (nickname)

Waccinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waccination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Waccine (wack + vaccine)

Wacktivist (wack + activist); Wacktivism

Waco (Dr. Pepper); Dallas (Coke); Waxahachie (a Dr. Pepper and a Coke)

Waco We Do (Waco slogan)

Wacoan (inhabitant of Waco)

Wacoite (inhabitant of Waco)

Waddy (Waddie)

"Waffle House implies the existence of a Waffle Senate"

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle House of the Sky (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Waffle House with Wings (Spirit Airlines nickname)

Waffle Iron (432 Park Avenue)

Waffle Taco

Waffle Wednesday

Waffleize or Wafflize

"Waffles are essentially a series of miniature edible bowls that hold maple syrup"

"Waffles are just pancakes with abs"

"Waffles are just pancakes with an Instagram filter"

"Waffles are just pancakes with bones"

"Waffles are just pancakes with tiny bowls for syrup"

"Waffles are plates that are full of bowls"

Wage-Slave (Wage-Slavery)

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" (opera adage)

"Wagon Wheels are British s'mores"

"Wagon Wheels are just cold s'mores"

WaHI (Washington Heights & Inwood)

Wailing Wall Street (Wailing Wall + Wall Street)

Wait-a-Burger (Whataburger nickname)

"Wait an hour after eating before going swimming"

Wait in Times Square and eventually everyone you know will pass

"Wait, there's nothing in this Air and Space Museum!"

"Wait 'til next year!" (Brooklyn Dodgers)

"Waiter: Any intolerances? Diner: People who don't signal properly on roundabouts."

"Waiter: Be careful, the plate is really hot. Diner: No worries. I'm not really attracted to plates"

"Waiter: Can I take your order?"/"Diner: Sure."/"Waiter: Thanks. I'm just really hungry."

"Waiter! Do you have frogs' legs?"/"No, I always walk this way."

"Waiter: Do you wanna box for that? Diner: No, but I'll wrestle you for it."

"Waiter, does the pianist play requests?" (joke)

"Waiter, how come there are no chairs at our table?"/"I'm sorry, but you only booked one table."

"Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my girlfriend."

"Waiter: How do you like your eggs? Diner: I don't know. I haven't gotten them yet."

"Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my wife."

"Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster soup."/"Would you expect angels in angel cake?"

"Waiter, I want a table for dinner!"/"Boiled or roasted, sir?"

"Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine." / "What year, sir?" / "Right now."

"Waiter: Is your food spicy, sir? Diner: No, smoke always comes out of my ears!"

"Waiter: May I take your plates? Diner: Sure, they were yours to begin with!"

"Waiter, my soup is cold."/ "It's Gazpacho."/ "Well, Gazpacho, my soup is cold."

"Waiter, taste the soup!" (joke)

"Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup!"/"I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters."

"Waiter, there is a spider in my soup."/"Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly."

"Waiter, there's a bee in my soup."/"Yes sir, it is the fly's day off."

"Waiter, there's a button on my potato."/"Well, you did ask for a jacket potato."

"Waiter, there's a dead spider in my soup."/"Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water."

"Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my alphabet soup."/"Throw him an 'O' as a life preserver."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my alphabet soup!"/"That's no fly, that's a spelling bee."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"/[Klaus Schwab as waiter] "I know..."

"Waiter, there's a fly in my wine!"/"Well, you did ask for something with a little body in it!"

"Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup."/"Then we've served you too much soup."

"Waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup"

"Waiter, there's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager."/"He's frightened of them, too."

"Waiter, this egg is bad!"/"Don't blame me. I only laid the table."

"Waiter: This is duck soup. Diner: No! It's watered down!"

"Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"/"Then why aren't you laughing?"

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"/"Probably learning to read, sir."

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"/"Seems like he's sending an S.O.S."

"Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass?"/"It scares away the flies."

"Waiters bring a lot to the table"

"Waiter's-thumb-in-the-soup" jokes

"Waiting for a leader or savior to solve the problem is precisely what the slave has been 'trained' to do"

"Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my part"

"Waiting for inspiration to write is like standing at the airport waiting for a train"

"Waiting for my thighs to socially distance themselves"

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop" (business idiom)

"Waiting in traffic is like getting in line to go to work"

"Waitress: Any intolerances? Diner: Well, I can be a bit racist."

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?" (joke)

"Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Diner: What kind of font is this?"

"Waitress: Sorry about your wait. Diner: Well, I've been doing my best to lose it."

Waitsplaining (waiter/waitress + explaining)

Wake and Bake (marijuana-infused coffee)

"Wake me up when Kirby dies" (theatre saying)

"Wake up and smell the bagels"

"Wake up and smell the breakfast tacos"

"Wake up and smell the coffee"

"Wake up and smell the tyranny"

"Wake up and spill the coffee"

"Wake up determined -- go to bed satisfied"

"Wake up, drink coffee & punch today in the face"

"Wake up. Drink coffee. Hug dog. Repeat"

"Wake up. Drink coffee. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. It's food o'clock"

"Wake up. Kick ass. Be kind. Repeat"

"Wake up. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. Work out. Kick ass. Repeat"

"Wake up. Workout. Be kind. Repeat"

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey"

Wal-Fart or Walfart (Walmart nickname)

Waldorf Astoria (solitary confinement)

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Hysteria (Waldorf-Astoria Hotel nickname)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of the Catskills (Grossinger's Hotel nickname)

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Sandwich

Waldorf Sandwich

"Walk and chew gum at the same time" (stupid or uncoordinated)

"Walk softly and carry a bent stick" (archery adage)

Walk-Up Apartment

"Walked into a bank today and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery"

"Walked into a post office and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery"

"Walking back to Houston" (Ace-King in Texas Hold'em)

"Walking back to the car because you forgot your mask is the new kinda pissed off"

"Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a cheesecake"

"Walking down the stairs is falling with extra steps"

Walking Taco (Taco-in-a-Bag; Petro's)

"Walks will kill you" (baseball adage)

Wall Dog

"Wall Street" (1968)

Wall Street (from a graveyard to a river)

"Wall Street got drunk" (George W. Bush)

"Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions" (Paul Samuelson)

"Wall Street is where people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from people who take the subway"

"Wall Street never discounts the same thing twice"

Wall Street North (Stamford, CT nickname)

Wall Street of the Southwest or Wall Street of Texas (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the Southwest (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the West (17th Street in Denver)

Wall Street of the West (Montgomery Street in San Francisco)

Wall Street on Long Island Sound (Greenwich-Stamford-Norwalk-Westport-Bridgeport, CT nickname)

Wall Street Refiner

Wall Street Run (and Heart Walk)

Wall Street South (Brickell in Miami, FL nickname)

Wall Street South (Charlotte, NC nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Wall Street West (Jersey City, NJ nickname)

Wall Streeter

Walled City (Brooklyn)

"Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, and drinks beside the fire..." (Irish blessing)

Wally Martinez (Walmart nickname)

Wally World (Walmart nickname)

"Walmart is a little piece of Florida in every state"

"Walmart is like a little piece of Florida in every state"

Walmart of the Sky (nickname of various airlines)

"Walmart will be closed Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families"

"Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families"

Walmart with Wings (nickname of various airlines)

Walmartian (Walmart shopper/employee nickname)

Walmartization

Walmartyr (Walmart + martyr)

Wandelprobe (walking rehearsal)

"Wanderlust and city dust"

Wanksta or Wankster (wack/wanker/wannabe + gangster)

"Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket?"/"No."/"Fine."

"Wanna know how you can tell when the truth is being told? Facebook blocks it..."

"Wanna know the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot every time"

"Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms"

"Want to hear a joke about pizza?...Never mind, it's too cheesy"

"Want to hear a really dark joke?…Decaf"

"Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers. That's gun control"

"Want to stop riots? Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down"

"Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange"

War Chest

"War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left"

"War is a racket"

"War is greedy old men sending naive young boys to kill innocent children"

"War is murder. Taxation is theft. Police are gangs. Politicians are criminals"

"War is not healthy for children and other living things"

"War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that"

"War is when the government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out"

"War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out"

"War kills reform"

"War propaganda left unchecked for a single generation becomes history"

War Room (a team's player draft headquarters)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

"Warm beer and cold coffee are the same temperature"

Warm Crap in a Bag (Frito Pie nickname)

Warmmonger (global warming + monger)

Warmunism (global warming + communism); Warmunist

"Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you're whispering. I assure you, you are not"

"WARNING! Children left unattended will be sold to the circus"

"Warning: Does not play well with others before coffee"

"Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday"

"WARNING: I brake for no apparent reason"

"Warning: May bite before caffeine"

"WARNING: May bite before coffee ...and maybe after"

"Warning: My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long"

"Warning! The consumption of alcohol might cause you to think you can sing"

"Warning! The consumption of wine might cause you to think you can sing"

"WARNING: To avoid injury, don't tell me how to do my job"

"WARNING: To avoid serious injury, don't tell me how to do my job"

"WARNING: You have been found in violation of a rule we hadn't made up yet..." (Facebook)

"WARNING: Your government is imploding before your eyes..."

"Warning: You're being conditioned to view your freedom as 'selfish'"

"WARNING: You've been identified as someone trying to make people think for themselves..." (FB)

WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

"Wars should be financed through GoFundMe and fought by those cheering for it"

Warvangelical (war + evangelical)

"Was 'artisanal' coined as an 'art is anal' joke?"

"Was given a bag of peanuts blessed by the Pope, but gave them away because I hate religious nuts"

"Was going to make a joke about my paycheck. Turns out I have insufficient puns"

"Wasabi is just anime horseradish"

"Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere"

"Wash your hands. COVID-19 doesn't kill itself, just like Jeffrey Epstein"

"Washes his hands. Always wears a mask. Rearrange the letters in Racoon and it spells CORONA!"

Washeteria (Washateria; Washiteria)

"Washing windows is a pane in the glass"

Washington, DC: Capitol Hill (nickname)

Washington, DC: City of Magnificent Distances (nickname)

Washington, DC: Da Capital (nickname)

Washington, DC: Da Capitol (nickname)

Washington, DC: "Democracy dies in darkness" (Washington Post slogan)

Washington, DC: District of Confusion (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Corruption (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Criminals (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Cunts (nickname)

Washington, DC: Dot.Com (nickname)

Washington, DC: Hot Tub (nickname)

"Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: Rome on the Potomac (nickname)

"Washington, DC stands for Washington, Da Capital"

Washington, DC: Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Washington, DC: WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

Washington, DC: "Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: "Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

Washington, DC: "What do the Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

Washington Demands Cash (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

"Washington is the only insane asylum in the world run by its own inmates" ("Pappy" O'Daniel)

Washington Monument Syndrome (Washington Monument Strategy)

"Washington's face was on all our money; now, Washington's hands are on it, too"

Waste, Fraud and Abuse ("big three")

Wasted Wednesday

Wasteway (Westway nickname)

Wastewood (Westwood High School nickname)

"Watch grass grow" (a boring activity)

"Watch more sunsets than Netflix"

"Watch out for the idiot behind me" (bumper sticker)

"Watch paint dry" (a boring activity)

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves"

"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits"

"Watching people cling to the 2-party system is like witnessing the victim of a toxic relationship"

"Watching too much television gives you square eyes" (Square-eyed)

Water Crouton (ice cube)

"Water flows uphill toward money"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water"

"Water is good for only two things: floating ships and making beer"

"Water is just beer that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is just boneless ice"

"Water is just cloud milk"

"Water is just coffee that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is just ice juice"

"Water is just tea that hasn't reached its full potential"

"Water is the default flavor"

"Water is the grown-up drink"

"Water, lemons and sugar are free at restaurants, but lemonade costs money"

"Water separates the people of the world, wine unites them"

Water Ski Capital of Texas (Lake McQueeney nickname)

Water Sommelier (Water Steward)

"Water uses cloud storage"

"Water your mind to grow your soul"

"Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds rad if you don't know what either of these things are"

Waterburger (Whataburger nickname/pronunciation)

Watergate Cake

Watergate Salad

"Watering something adds water, but milking something removes milk"

Watermelon Capital of Texas (Hempstead) & Seedless Watermelon Capital of Texas (Knox County)

Watermelon (green on the outside, red on the inside)

"Watermelon is 50% water and 50% melon"

"Watermelon is just crunchy juice"

"Watermelon is just crunchy water"

"Watermelons are 92% water which means they're only 8% melon"

"Watermelons are just summer pumpkins"

"Watermelons are more than 90% water. To be safe, I’m never eating a kumquat again"

"Watermelons look like fat cucumbers"

Watertown: Snowtown USA (nickname)

"Wait until the people who just want to be left alone get involved"

"Watson, I've discovered that our hotel mattress is missing a cover."/"No sheet, Sherlock!"

Wave Election (Tidal Wave Election)

Waxahachian (inhabitant of Waxahachie)

Waxinate or Waxxinate or Waxxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waxination or Waxxination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

"Waxing your bikini line shouldn't cost a brazilian dollars"

Waxxinate or Waxinate or Waxxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Waxxination or Waxination (variant spelling of "vaccination")

Waxxine (wack + vaccine)

Waxxxinate or Waxinate or Waxxinate (variant spelling of "vaccinate")

Way South Austin

"Way to Shop" (Macy's)

Wazzitoyuh ("What's it to you?")

WD-40 (White Democrat Over 40)

"We accept weather predictions from a rodent, but deny climate change evidence by scientists"

"We Ain't Comin' Out" (WACO)

"We ain't got no north" (directional joke)

"We all blame society, but we are society"

"We all deserve morning sex and pancakes"

"We all live in a COVID quarantine" (song)

"We all live in a yellow quarantine" (song)

"We all place ourselves in danger when we stand up, but..."

"We always go the extra mile because we missed the last exit"

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass"

"We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color" (pandemic joke)

"We are all a little broken. But last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same"

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid"

"We are all feminine products"

"We are all Keynesians now" ("We're all New Yorkers now")

"We are all MAD* here" (*MAD -- Making A Difference)

"We are being told to line up our children to get something that might kill them..."

"We are designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness"

"We are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions"

"We are in the midst of the longest, saddest, most excruciating and unsatisfying 'I told you so'"

"We are launching this innovation for the first time"

"We Are New York" (Douglas Elliman Realty)

"We are not conspiracy theorists. You are just a blind fool"

"We are not far right, just right so far. We wish we were wrong"

"We are not strange. We are dramatically different"

"We are one day closer to a good rain" (drought joke)

"We are so poor we eat Ordinary K for breakfast"

"We Are the People!" (1888-1889 champion baseball Giants)

"We are the unorganized truth, fighting an organized lie"

"We are writers, my love. We don't cry. We bleed on paper"

We Be Toys (Toys "R" Us nickname)

"We blame society, but we are society"

"We breathe air. Trees make air. Homework kills trees. Homework is killing us"

"We Bring the Caring Home" (Visiting Nurse Service of New York)

"We build futures one success story at a time" (Stanley Kaplan)

"We burn rubber and chipotles" (Houston taco truck slogan)

"We bust ours to kick yours" (sports saying)

"We Buy Ugly Houses" (HomeVestors slogan)

"We call it fall because leaf fall down"

"We call it fall because leaves fall down"

"We campaign in poetry, but when we're elected we're forced to govern in prose"

"We can kick your city's ass"

"We can no longer call a 30 day ban Facebook jail. It must now be referred to as Metapause"

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails" (proverb)

"We can't eat inside. But we can eat outside. But it's cold so we set up outside as inside"

"We cater to cowards" (dentist office sign)

"We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you"

"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them"

"We control the Tide" (Texas A&M joke about Alabama football)

"We could take our kids to a restaurant tonight or cut out the middle man & just spill a drink..."

"We Cure Our Own Corned Beef; Our Chicken Soup Cures Everything Else" (Ben's Deli)

"We didn't lose -- we just ran out of time"

"We didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door..."

"We dine out twice a week. My wife goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays"

"We Do Dishes" (Fishs Eddy)

"We do not consent" (#wedonotconsent)

"We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house. We put the leftovers in Tupperware..."

"We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy"

"We do this not because it is easy, but because we thought it would be easy"

"We don't care how you did it up North"

"We don't dial 911"

"We don't do kings (in America)"

"We don't eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until the food is ready"

"We don't have a welcome mat at our door because we're not liars"

"We don't have a welcome mat at the door because we're not liars"

"We don't have freedom of speech to talk about the weather"

"We don't have the first amendment to talk about the weather"

"We don't hide crazy. We parade it in the streets and hang some beads on it"

"We don't hide the crazy. We parade it down the street"

"We don't know them all, but we owe them all"

"We don't let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence. Why do we allow congress..."

"We don't need metal detectors in Congress. We need lie detectors"

"We don't need more cameras pointed at citizens. We need more cameras pointed at politicians"

"We don't need shooters, we need makers" (basketball adage)

"We don’t need to eat anyone who would run, swim, or fly away if he could"

"We don’t need to justify why we should be allowed to do something..."

"We don't serve black people."/"That's OK. I don't eat them."

"We don't skinny dip. We chunky dunk"

"We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing"

"We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" (swimming pool adage)

"We eat all we can, and we sell the rest" (Blue Bell Ice Cream slogan)

"We eat pizza from the inside out"

"We eat with our eyes first"

"We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection"

"We finish each other's sandwiches"

"We forgive a child afraid of the dark; the real tragedy is when men are afraid of the light"

"We give our heads and our hearts to our country. One country, one language, one flag!"

"We go hard" (Brooklyn Nets slogan)

"We go together like biscuits and gravy"

"We go together like cocaine and waffles"

"We go together like Corona and lime"

"We got both kinds of music -- country and western"

"We had a candlelit dinner last night. Everything was extremely under-cooked"

"We had dinner and watched a movie together. Then the plane landed"

"We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favorite"

"We have beers as cold as your ex's heart" (bar sign)

"We have deep depth"

"We have identified the domestic terrorists. They are the federal government"

"We have never found a cave painting of a salad"

"We have never seen a cave drawing of a salad. We eat meat!"

"We Have News for You" (Daily News headline after 1963 newspaper strike)

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation & obviously death"

"We have to dance until the music stops"

"We have to find the people who did this -- they need help!" (joke about liberals)

"We have to love our freedom more than we fear a germ"

"We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it"

"We haven't the money, so we've got to think"

We Hide Outbreaks (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

"We homeschool because we have seen the village and we don't want it raising our children"

"We invented Texas Hold 'em, but we can't play it here" (Kinky Friedman)

"We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer"

"We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?"

"We Know the Neighborhood!" & "The Meat Supermarket" (Western Beef)

"We live in a society where the free thinking, open-minded people are called crazy..."

"We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended"

"We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We live in a world where community service is a punishment"

"We live in a world where Lego has a label telling you not to eat it, but British food doesn't"

"We live in a world where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended"

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police"

"We live in an age where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We live in an age where we have to prove to machines that we're not machines"

"We live in times where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended"

"We lose money on every sale, but make it up on volume"

"We Love NYC" or "We Love New York City" ("We *heart* NYC")

"We made too many wrong mistakes"

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give"

"We make money the old-fashioned way. We EARN it" (Smith Barney)

"We may not always win the game, but we always win the party"

"We Move New York" (TWU Local 100)

"We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately"

"We must never question the government, said no founding father, ever"

"We need the eggs" (joke)

"We need to have a 'Bring Your Wine to Work Day'" (BYWWD)

"We need to quit calling DC a swamp. A swamp is a place with an amazing ecosystem. DC is a sewer"

"We never knew he was drunk...until he showed up for work sober"

"We never stop working for you" (Verizon)

"We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice..."

"We only have two parties now -- patriots and traitors"

"We own the night" (Street Crimes Unit motto)

"We pay the doctor to make us better. But we should pay the farmer to keep us healthy"

"We pay the doctor to make us better when we should really be paying the farmer to keep us healthy"

We Piddle Around (Works Progress Administration or WPA nickname)

"We play today, we win today -- das it"

"We played like never before, and lost like always"

"We put an awful lot of trust in coffee cup handles"

"We reject the belief that we must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe"

"We repair what your husband fixed" (repair company slogan)

"We salt margaritas, not roads"

"We salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

"We serve soup to nuts" (restaurant joke)

"We shape our buildings, and afterwards our buildings shape us"

We Shoot Straight With You (Gun Barrel City motto)

"We should all be allowed to commit a crime since we’ve technically already served the time"

"We should dolphinately scale back on the fish puns"

"We should dolphinitely scale back on the fish puns"

"We should've seen communism's failure. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags"

"We squint at the sun because it is bright. We squint at people because they are not"

"We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they aren't"

"We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not"

"We swim because we are too sexy for a sport that requires clothes"

"We take career advice from someone who went to college to be a guidance counselor"

"We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually..."

"We trade real labor for fake money to pay fraudulent taxes on stuff we don't own"

"We trust banks with our money, but they don't trust us with their pens"

"We used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle. Strange looking woman, but she tortoise well"

"We used to have empires ruled by emperors and kingdoms ruled by kings..."

"We used to have village idiots, but with the internet, they've gone global"

"We used to live on a very busy main road.." (joke)

"We want a batter, not a broken ladder"

"We want a catcher, not belly scratcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a glass of water"

"We want bread, but we want roses, too" (Bread and Roses strike)

"We were all once creampies"

"We were so poor when I was young, when we went to KFC we had to lick other people’s fingers"

"We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done"

"We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done"

"We will continue to have meetings until we find out why no work is getting done"

"We will serve no swine before its time" (low-and-slow cooking)

"We win as a team and we lose as a team" (teamwork adage)

"We would like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs"

"We wuz robbed!" ("We was robbed!")

Weakly Standard (Weekly Standard nickname)

"Wealth: Income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband"

"Wealth is the ability to fully experience life"

"Wealth is what gives you the right to preach about the virtues of poverty"

"Wealth, wisdom, and work"

"Weaned on a pickle"

"Wear a mask and say a prayer because Jesus and germs are everywhere"

"Wear your mask at home. This is not to avoid the virus. It's to avoid the constant eating"

"Wearing a mask isn't a political statement. It's an IQ test"

"Weather Alert: If you only have liability insurance, please stay off the roads"

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

Weatherconomist or Meteoronomist (meteorologist/weatherman + economist)

Web Foot State (Oregon nickname)

"Website: We use cookies to improve performance./Me: Same."

Webutante Ball (Prom for Tech Nerds)

"We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate"

Wedding Cake of the West Side (The Ansonia)

"Weddings are basically funerals with cake"

Wedge Issue

Wedgie (sandwich)

"Wednesday is Latin for 'almost Friday'"

"Wednesday is Latin for 'it's almost Friday'"

"Wednesday is like small Friday"

"Wednesday is like the middle finger of the week"

"Wednesday: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

"Wednesday (noun): still not Friday"

"Wednesdays are like Mondays in the middle of the week!"

"Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week"

"Wednesdays will always bring smiles for the second half of the week"

Weed Candy

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless"

"Weekend Forecast: Mostly drunk with a chance of horny"

"Weekends used to feel like mini vacations. Now they feel like the minute boxers get"

"WEF backwards is FEW"

Wefense (we + defense/offense)

Wegmaniac (Wegmans + maniac)

"Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss goal: To be able to cut my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss goal: To be able to paint my toenails and breathe at the same time"

"Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!"

"Weight loss pills stolen this morning -- police say suspects are still at large"

"Weight should be like virginity. Once you lose it, you can't get it back"

"Welcome April! Wishing you a wonderful month filled with love & happiness"

"Welcome Back" (Theme to "Welcome Back, Kotter") (1975)

"Welcome back to invisibility class. It's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here"

"Welcome is the best dish on the table"

"Welcome parents and students to orientation."/"Excuse me! I think we call it Asiantation now."

"Welcome to 2020. If you don’t already suffer from an anxiety disorder, one will be assigned"

"Welcome to 2030. I own nothing, have no privacy, and life has never been better"

"Welcome to Austin. Please don't move here (I hear Dallas is great!)"

"Welcome to Chocoholics Anonymous. Would anyone like to pick a Topic?"

"Welcome to college. Where every single person is smarter than you except for the 3 people..."

"Welcome to college, where everyone is smarter than you except the three people in your group"

"Welcome to Facebook. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

"Welcome to Facebook. If you're not already friends with a creepy stalker, one will be assigned"

"Welcome to Howdy Arabia, home of Y’all Qaeda"

"Welcome to New York. Duck, Mother Fucker!"

Welcome to New York & New York Hello

"Welcome to New York. Now get out/Now go home" & "New York. It Ain't Kansas"

"Welcome to our ‘ool’. Notice there’s no ‘P’ in it. Let’s keep it that way"

"Welcome to quarantine. You’re gonna need bigger pants"

"Welcome to spring in Canada, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong"

"Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong"

"Welcome to Texas. Beware of the Bull"

"Welcome to Texas -- Now Go Home" & "Beautify Texas -- Put a Yankee on a Bus" (bumper stickers)

"Welcome to Texas where 'Who made the tea?' means this tea is nasty"

"Welcome to the Karma Cafe. There are no menus ..."

"Welcome to the Shouting Club hotline. We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes"

"Welcome to the South where 'Who made the tea?' means this tea is nasty"

"Welcome to Twitter. Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly"

"Welcome to Twitter. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

"Welcome to Twitter! If you're not already followed by a stalker, one will be assigned to you"

Welfare Queen

Welfare-Warfare State (Warfare-Welfare State)

Welfare Wednesday (Food Stamp Friday)

Welfargee (welfare + refugee)

Welfarian (someone on welfare)

"Well at least I can pretend that the dark circles around my eyes are for Halloween"

"Well-behaved women rarely make decent margaritas"

"Well-behaved women rarely ever make history. Or a decent soufflé"

"Well-behaved women rarely make history. Or decent margaritas"

"Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit"

"Well, Doctor, what have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?” /“A Republic, if you can keep it"

Well Drink

"We'll give him a fair trial, then we'll hang him"

"Well, I'm a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse"

"We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply"

"We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge" (Texas Thunder Speedway)

"Well slap me silly and call me Darlin', it's Friday!"

"Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck because I'm never enough"

"Well slap my ass and call me McDonald’s ice cream machine cause I am broke"

"Well, That Didn't Work: A Brief History of Socialism and Communism" (book title)

"Well, That Didn't Work: An Abbreviated History of Communism" (book title)

"Well, That Didn't Work: An Expansive Volume on the History of Government" (book title)

"We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect"

"Well, well, well. Welcome to stutter class"

"Well what a fucking year this week has been"

Wells Fargone (Wells Fargo nickname)

Wells Fiasco (Wells Fargo nickname)

"Welp, paid rent. Now I got a place to starve to death"

"Went outside today. It was cold and there were people. Zero stars. Do not recommend"

"Went to a new restaurant called 'The Kitchen'. You have to make your own meal"

"Went to a restaurant called the Manhattan Project. It was not an Asian fusion restaurant. 1 Star"

"Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo. Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now"

"Went to the bathroom without my phone... Just like my ancestors used to do"

"Went to the bathroom without my phone... Just like our ancestors used to do"

"We're all brave in our own way. For example, I am not afraid of raw cookie dough"

"We're all here because we're not all there" (recovery program joke)

"We're all in the same game, just different levels"

"We’re all just kids posing as professionals, counting the days until Friday"

"We're closed but still awesome" (store sign)

"We're doomed -- doomed, I tell you!"

"We’re fighting a billion dollar propaganda industry with memes. How cool is that?"

"We're from here" (Frost Bank slogan)

"We're glad to have you as our guest, And hope you have a good night's rest..." (poem)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees"

"We're gonna have to retire the expression 'avoid it like the plague'..."

"We're Good For You" (Apple Bank)

"We're having a traditional Thanksgiving. Invite neighbors to dinner, murder them, take their land"

"We're Here For You, Texas" (Texas Mutual Insurance Company)

"We're here, we're queer, get used to it"

"We're just here to post shit we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny"

"We're just here to post stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny"

"We’re just here to tweet stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends, we find that funny"

"We’re looking for someone who is responsible.." (joke).

"We're not born just to pay bills and die"

"We're not conspiracy theorists. We're the fucking resistance"

"'We're not forcing you,' they say. 'We're just taking away everything you need until you consent'"

"We're not from the left or right. We're from the bottom and we're coming for those on top"

"We're not strange. We're dramatically different"

"We're taking a bite out of the Big Apple tonight" (Blue's Big City Adventure film, 2022)

“We’re taking a bite out of the Big Apple tonight” (Blue’s Big City Adventure film, 2022)

"We're talking about a wonderful day when no one diets. Why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

"We're Texas" (University of Texas at Austin)

"Were the exam questions difficult?"/"No, it was the answers that gave me trouble."

"We're the King of Beef" (Old Homestead)

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"Were you married by a Justice of the Peace or the Secretary of War?" (joke)

Weslacoan (inhabitant of Weslaco)

West Broadway (pork and beans nickname)

West Indian Day Carnival; "Murder Day Parade"

"West of the Pecos there is no law; West of El Paso there is no God"

West Sider or Westsider

"West Texas Girls...don't wear lip gloss during a dust storm"

West Texas Rain (a sandstorm)

West Texas Sunset (cocktail)

West Virginia: Switzerland of America (nickname)

Westchester: Golden Apple (nickname)

Westchester: Wedge Sandwich

Western Sandwich (Denver Sandwich; Denver Omelet)

Western Wasabi (horseradish)

Westerned

Westoria (west + Astoria)

Westside Manhattan (cocktail)

"Wet as an otter's pocket" (very wet)

Wet Burrito (Burrito Enchilada Style)

Wet Coast (wet + west coast)

Wetback (Wet Back)

"Wetter than an otter's pocket" (very wet)

"We've all played dish drain jenga. Don't lie"

"We've been married so long we're on our second bottle of Tabasco"

"We’ve been married so long we’re on our second bottle of Worcestershire sauce"

"We've got hotels and motels and hostels, but no mostels"

"We've got ourselves a ball game"

"We've howdied, but we ain't shook"

"We’ve raised our standards, so up yours!"

"What do you call a dancing pig?"/"Shakin' bacon."

Whac-A-Mole Season

Whack Ass Queens or Whack Ass Queenz (Queens)

"Whack 'em and stack 'em" (hunting saying)

Whackage

Whaddya, Whaddya (Whaddaya, Whaddaya)

"Whale oil beef hooked" (How to speak Irish in one easy lesson)

Wham Bam Tram or A Streetcar Named Disaster (Houston's MetroRail)

Whammy Bar (vibrato for guitar)

"What's a dog's favorite city?"/"New Yorkie."

"What a house! Nothing but rooms!"

"What a teacher writes on the blackboard of life can never be erased"

"What a year this week has been"

"What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?"/"The letter G."

"What? And leave show business?" (joke)

"What animal can be found in the unemployment line?"/"The poorqueuepine."

"What are apricots?"/"Where monkeys sleep."

"What are 'derves'? I heard the whores love ‘em"

"What are lawyers good for?" (lawyer joke)

"What are murder hornets and how much toilet paper do we need to buy?"

"What are people who back into parking spots trying to prove?"

"What are Santa's favorite potato chips?"/"Crisp Pringles."

"What are the strongest days of the week?"/"Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."

"What are the two things you can't eat for breakfast?" (riddle)

"What are those things you blow to make a wish?"/"Sugar daddies."

"Why are two medians in a single data set funny?"/"Because it's a co-median."

"What are unhappy cranberries called?"/"Blueberries."

"What are you doing for others?"

"What are you doing out of jail?" (Thoreau's reply to Emerson?)

"What are you eating and how can I help? -- dogs"

What are you going to do about it?

"What are you waiting for? Christmas?"

"What are you when you can't decide on what pizza to get?"/"Indeslicesive."

"'What are your gym goals?' Me: Going"

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?"/"Shortstop."

"What baseball team do dentists root for?"/"The Yanks."

"What baseball team would a dentist play for?"/"The Yanks."

"What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?"/"Prime rib."

"What borders on stupidity?"/"Canada and Mexico."

"What bus sailed the ocean?"/"Colum-bus."

"What cake is as hard as a rock?"/"Marble cake."

"What came after the stone age and the bronze age?"/"The sausage."

"What came first, the taco or the Tuesday?"

"What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?" (lawyer joke)

"What can Brown do for you?" (United Parcel Serivce or UPS slogan)

"What can go wrong at a cookout will go wrong. Murphy's Slaw"

"What can the coronavirus do that the U.S. government can't?"/"Stop school shootings."

"What can you fold, but not crease?"/"A poker hand."

"What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Breakfast or lunch."

"What can you serve but never eat?"/"A tennis ball."

"What causes poverty? Nothing. It's the original state, the default and starting point..."

"What cereal makes fun of you but doesn't mean it?"/"We tease."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzahrella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzarella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzohrella."

"What cheese can you eat on Passover?"/"Matzorella."

"What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?"/"Camembert."

"What cheese has a bit of alcohol problem?"/"Livarot."

"What Chinese food is always eaten on Easter?"/"An egg roll."

"What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?"/"Silent Night."

"What clothes does a house wear?"/"Address."

"What club do racist scientists join?"/"The Potassium Potassium Potassium."

"What color can you use to start your car?"/"Khaki"

"What comes after morning coffee? Afternoon coffee"

"What comes easy won't last; what lasts won't come easy"

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?"

"What could we accomplish if we knew we could not fail?"

"What country doesn’t take cash or credit?"/"The Czech Republic."

"What crisps are named after an Arab ruler?"/"Sultan Vinegar." (salt & vinegar)

"What date is also a command?"/"March fourth."

"What day comes after Black Friday?"/"Black Sabbath."

"What day does an Easter egg hate the most?"/"Fry-day."

"What degree do you need to write parking tickets?"/"Fine arts."

"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?"/"It's Christmas, Eve."

"What did Adam say on the day before New Year's?"/"Happy New Year's, Eve."

"What did Adam say on the day before New Year's?"/"It's New Year's, Eve."

"What did Bacon say to Tomato?"/"Lettuce get together."

"What did everyone eat at the picnics where everything went wrong? Murphy’s slaw"

"What did I get for Christmas? Fat. I got fat"

"What did my parents do before the Internet?" (joke)

"What did one Christmas tree say to another?"/"Lighten up!"

"What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?"/"Do you even carrot all?"

"What did one device say to the other?"/"Are you syncing what I'm syncing?"

"What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?"/"Cool ranch!"

"What did one elevator say to the other?"/"I think I'm coming down with something!"

"What did one fish say to the other fish?"/"Keep your mouth shut and you won't get caught."

"What did one frog say to the other?"/"Time's sure fun when you're having flies."

"What did one hash brownie say to the other?"/"We're so baked."

"What did one Irish ghost say to the other?"/"Top o' the moaning!"

"What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?"/"Sorry, you're not my type."

"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?"/"We are both lawyers!"

"What did one leftover say to the other?"/"Foiled again!"

"What did one loaf of bread say to the other?"/"Weirdo."

"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?"/"I'm a cashew."

"What did one oar say to the other?"/"Are you up for a little row-mance?"

"What did one painkiller say to the other?"/"You're what I'm aspirin to be."

"What did one pickle say to the other on Valentine's Day?"/"You mean a great dill to me."

"What did one plate say to the other?"/"Lunch is on me."

"What did one potato chip say to the other?"/"Shall we go for a dip?"

"What did one raindrop say to the other?"/"Two's company, three's a cloud."

"What did one strawberry say to the other?" (joke)

"What did one traffic light say to the other traffic light?" (joke)

"What did one vegan say to the other vegan?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one wall say to the other wall?"/"Meet me at the corner."

"What did one worm say to another?"/"I know a restaurant where we can eat dirt cheap."

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?"/"Big Apple Crumble."

"What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?"/"Looks like rain, dear."

"What did Santa say when he long castled in chess?"/"O-O-O."

"What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch?"/"A tuna frittata."

"What did socialists use before candles? Electricity" (joke)

"What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?"/"Nothing, he's Gladiator."

"What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?"/"He told them to 'hiss off!'"

"What did the acorn say when it grew up?" (math joke)

"What did the apple say to the apple pie?"/"You've got some crust."

"What did the apple skin say to the apple?"/"I've got you covered."

"What did the Asian parents tell their child? 'You're an A-sian, not a B-sian'"

"What did the Asian parents tell their child? 'You're an Asian, not a Bsian'"

"What did the assassin do when he was hungry?"/"The assassinate."

"What did the astronaut cook for lunch?"/"An unidentified frying object."

"What did the astronaut see on his skillet?"/"Unidentified frying objects."

"What did the astronaut see on the stove?"/"An unidentified frying object."

"What did the baby corn say to its mom?"/"Where's my pop corn?"

"What did the bacon say to the sandwich?"/"See you in the club!"

"What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?"/"COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL!"

"What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?"/"Catch you later!"

"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?"/"You're too young to smoke."

"What did the book tell the highlighter?"/"Mark my words!"

"What did the bottle write on the postcard?"/"Wish you were beer!"

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the boy scout say when he fixed the car horn?"/"Beep repaired."

"What did the bread say to the butter?/'You’re my butter half.'"

"What did the broccoli say to the getaway driver?"/"Floret."

"What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?"/"Bison!"

"What did the bunny say when he had only thistles to eat?"/"Thistle have to do!"

"What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?"/"He wiped his ass."

"What did the cannibal eat at the Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow Man."

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cauliflower bank robber say to the broccoli getaway driver?"/"Floret."

"What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?"/"Halloumi!"

"What did the chemist have for lunch? A Pb and J sandwich! And then he died of lead poisoning"

"What did the chicken do when she saw a bucket of fried chicken?"/"She kicked the bucket!"

"What did the chocolate sauce say to the ice cream?"/"I'm sweet on you!"

"What did the Christmas tree say to the light bulb when it was sad?"/"Lighten up!"

"What did the clock say to the other clock?"/"Nice tocking to ya."

"What did the clock say to the wristwatch?"/"I enjoyed tocking with you..."

"What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?"/"A BrrrrGrrrrr."

"What did the college football player get on his SATs?"/"Drool"

"What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle?"/"Nice legs."

"What did the curtain say to the floor?"/"Stop looking under my skirt!"

"What did the curtain say to the window?"/"I've got you covered."

"What did the cute Starburst say to the Mars Bar?"/"Going my Milky Way?"

"What did the deer forget when trying to make pizza?"/"The doe."

"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?"/"Look grandpa! No hands!"

"What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?"/"Look, no hands!"

"What did the dog get when he graduated from school?"/"A pedigree."

"What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?"/"Cool ranch."

"What did the egg say when it got turned up?"/"Om lit."

"What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?"/"Hogs and kisses."

"What did the fisherman say to the magician?"/"Pick a cod, any cod."

"What did the full glass of water say to the empty glass?"/"You look drunk."

"What did the full glass say to the empty glass?"/"You look drunk!"

"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?" (joke)

"What did the garlic dip say to the French fries?"/"Aioli have eyes for you."

"What did the ghost teacher say to her class?"/"Watch the board and I'll go through it again!"

"What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?"/"A cookie sheet."

"What did the grape say when it was crushed?" (joke)

"What did the grape say to the peanut butter?"/"'Tis the season to be jelly."

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"/"Breathe!"

"What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'?"/"I've been flamed!"

"What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?"/"I'm the wiener!"

"What did the hot dog vendor say at the World Trade Center?" (joke)

"What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?"/"Pack your trunk!"

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?" (joke)

"What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?"/"I've got my eye on you!"

"What did the husband do after forgetting his wife's birthday?"/"Cauliflower shop!"

"What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?"/"Beam me up biscotti."

"What did the internet connection say as it went to the toilet?"/"IP."

"What did the iPhone eat for breakfast?"/"Siri-al."

"What did the Italian say after he ate an eel pizza?"/"That's a moray."

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?"/"Supplies!"

"What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?"/"Only one cannoli."

"What did the leprechaun do for a living?"/"He was a short-order cook."

"What did the lettuce say to the celery?"/"Quit stalking me!"

"What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?" (joke)

"What did the little champagne bottle call his father?"/"Pop!"

"What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?"/"It's pasture bedtime."

"What did the man ask the Jamaican chef?"/"What Jamaican?"

"What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry?"/"Guess it's time to watermalawn."

"What did the mom coffee bean say to the kid coffee bean?"/"You're grounded."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a lawn mower?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a revolving door?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?"/"Pleased to eat you."

"What did the mouse say to the keyboard?"/"You're just my type."

"What did the noodle say when leaving the room?"/"Pasta la vista, baby!"

"What did the painter say to the wall?"/"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"Right on!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"Write on!"

"What did the paper say to the pencil?"/"You've got a good point."

"What did the penguin's lawyer say?"/"Your honor, my client is CLEARLY not a flight risk."

"What did the Pilgrims use to bake cakes?"/"May-flour."

"What did the potato chip say to the battery?"/"If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-Lay."

"What did the rabbit say to the carrot?"/"It’s been nice gnawing you."

"What did the real estate agent say to the other agent?"/"‘House’ it going?"

"What did the right knee say to the left knee?"/"Hi, felony!"

"What did the Romaine Catholic say?"/"Lettuce pray."

"What did the router say to the doctor?"/"It hurts when IP."

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Hey. what's shaking?"

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Season's greetings."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the Scotsman say when he didn’t have money for his hors d’oeuvre bill?"/“I canape."

"What did the shark bring to the party?"/"A sharkuterie board."

"What did the sheep say to the shepherd?"/"Season's bleatings!"

"What did the shoe say to the gum?"/"Stick with me and we'll go places."

"What did the sleepy dragon order at the fancy steakhouse?"/"Flaming yawn."

"What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?"/"Get out of my face."

"What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?"/"Audios."

"What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?"/"Pasta la vista, baby!"

"What did the suicide bomber teacher say to his students?"/"I'm only going to show this once."

"What did the sushi say to the bee?"/"Wasabi."

"What did the tectonic plates have for breakfast?"/"Panquakes."

"What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?"/"Hasta barista, baby."

"What did the tired artist say?"/"I'm all drawn out."

"What did the toast say to the butter on Valentine's Day?"/"'You're my butter half.'"

"What did the tornado say to the car?"/"You wanna go for a spin?"

"What did the tree say after a long winter?"/"What a re-leaf!"

"What did the triangle say to the circle?"/"You’re pointless!"

"What did the turkey say before it was roasted?"/"Boy! I'm stuffed!"

"What did the turkey say to the computer?"/"Google, google!"

"What did the TV do at the beach?"/"Channel surf."

"What did the TV say to the remote?"/"You turn me on."

"What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?"/"Damn, foiled again!"

"What did the whip cream say to Indiana Jones?"/"Cool Whip."

"What did the wicked chicken lay?"/"Deviled eggs."

"What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?"/"She witch-hiked."

"What did the worm say when he fell in a plate of spaghetti?"/"Orgy!"

"What did the young pancake say to the old one?"/"I don't like your flip side."

"What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?"/"Tweetie Pie."

"What difference does it make?"

"What dinosaur loves pancakes?"/"A tri-syrup-tops."

"What disease did 'cured ham' actually have?" (joke)

"What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?" (lawyer joke)

"What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?"/"Depreciation."

"What do astronauts use to stay warm?"/"A space heater."

"What do baby mathematicians drink?"/"Formula."

"What do birds give out on Halloween?"/"Tweets."

"What do birds give to trick-or-treaters?"/"Tweets."

"What do birds say on Halloween?"/"Trick or tweet."

"What do birds say on Halloween?"/"Twick or tweet."

"What do calendars eat?"/"Dates."

"What do call something that is average at making egg whites?"/"A medi-yolker."

"What do camels eat to help them fall asleep?"/"Camel meals."

"What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?"/"That’s a lot, eh."

"What do cannibals eat for breakfast?"/"Buttered host."

"What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?"/"Men toes."

"What do cannibals put in their soup?"/"Ramen."

"What do cars do at the disco?"/"Brake dance."

"What do cars put on their toast?"/"Traffic jam."

"What do cat actors say on stage?"/"Tabby or not tabby!"

"What do cats read in the morning?"/"Mewspapers."

"What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?"/"No ballroom."

"What do cloves use for money?"/"Garlic bread."

"What do clowns eat for breakfast?"/"Amuesli."

"What do comedians eat for breakfast?"/"Amuseli."

"What do comedians eat for breakfast?"/"Corny flakes."

"What do cowboys use to move from state to state?"/"Yee-Hauls."

"What do cows eat for breakfast?"/"Moosli."

"What do cows get when they do all their chores?"/"Mooney."

"What do cows like to listen to?"/"Moo-sic!"

"What do crows drink in the morning?"/"Cawfee."

"What do dads eat for breakfast?"/"Pop tarts."

"What do democracy and football have in common?"/"Adding the word 'American' changes the meaning."

"What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?"/"They get their masters."

"What do Dominicans say when they lose their phone?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes? I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes"

"What do ducks eat for breakfast?"/"Quacker Oats."

"What do dyslexic zombies eat?"/"Brians."

"What do earthquakes have for breakfast?"/"Panquakes."

"What do eggs do for fun?"/"Karayolke."

"What do elves do after school?"/"Gnomework."

"What do farmers use to make crop circles?"/"A protractor."

"What do fish need to stay healthy?"/"Vitamin Sea."

"What do frogs drink?"/"Hot croako."

"What do German pilots eat for breakfast?"/"Luftwaffles."

"What do ghosts drink?"/"Ghoul-Aid."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Dreaded wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Ghost Toasties."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Scream of Wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for dessert?"/"I scream (ice scream)."

"What do ghosts eat for dinner?"/"Ghoulash."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Boo-logna sandwiches."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Spookghetti."

"What do ghosts put on their bagels?"/"Scream cheese."

"What do ghosts put on their mashed potatoes?"/"Grave-y."

"What do ghosts read at a concert?"/"Sheet music."

"What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs?"/"Candy canes."

"What do hillbillies drink out of?"/"Hiccups."

"What do hipster chemists have for breakfast?"/"Avogadro toast."

"What do history teachers make when they want to get together?"/"Dates."

"What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little"

"What do iPhones eat for breakfast?"/"Siri-al."

"What do Irish taxi drivers eat?"/"Corned beef and cab-bage."

"What do Italians eat on Halloween?"/"Fettuccine Afraid-o."

"What do jokesters eat for breakfast?"/"Pun-cakes."

"What do judges like to snack on?"/"Trial mix."

"What do juries eat when on break?"/"Trial mix."

"What do lawyers do after they die?"/"They lie still."

"What do lawyers eat for a snack?"/"Trial mix."

"What do lawyers wear to court?"/"Law suits."

"What do leprechauns love to barbecue?"/"Short ribs."

"What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?"/"Bookworms."

"What do librarians use for bait when they go fishing?"/"Bookworms."

"What do Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?"/"Both were shot before a live audience."

"What do little ghosts drink?"/"Evaporated milk."

"What do math teachers call retirement?"/"The 'aftermath.'"

"What do math teachers do on Thanksgiving?"/"Count their blessings"

"What do Mexicans eat on the beach?"/"Buried toes."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do millennial chemists eat for breakfast?"/"Avogadro toast."

"What do penguin waiters say?"/"Waddle it be?"

"What do plantains say when they lose their phone?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do plátanos say when they lose their phones?"/"Where did Mofongo?"

"What do politicians and porn stars have in common?"/"They’re experts at switching positions."

"What do programmers and cats have in common?" (joke)

"What do prostitutes eat before dinner?"/"Whore derves."

"What do pro-vaxxers and anti-vaxxers have in common?"/"They'll never be fully vaccinated."

"What do race horses eat?"/"Fast food."

"What do race horses eat?"/"Fast food."

"What do ramen noodles and ketchup taste like together?"/"Poverty."

"What do rednecks do on Halloween?"/"Pump kin."

"What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?"/"Horn-aments."

"What do runners eat before a race?"/"Nothing, they fast."

"What do Santa's elves learn at school?"/"The elfabet."

"What do sea monsters eat?"/"Fish and ships."

"What do seismologists eat for breakfast?"/"Panquakes and shakin'."

"What do sharks serve their guests at parties?"/"A sharkcuterie."

"What do shrimp watch when they're horny?"/"Prawnography."

"What do skeletons say before they begin dining?"/"Bone appétit."

"What do snowmen call their offspring?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do snowmen call their kids?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do snowmen eat for breakfast?"/"Frosted Flakes."

"What do snowmen wear on their heads?"/"Ice caps."

"What do songwriters compose in bed?"/"Sheet music."

"What do Spanish clocks say?"/"Tick taco."

"What do sprinters eat before a race?"/"Nothing, they fast."

"What do spuds use to modify their body?"/"Potattoos."

"What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?"/"Their yammies."

"What do taxi drivers eat?"/"Cabbage."

"What do the teeth pay their lawyer?"/"Retainer fee!"

"What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?"/"One has gobblers, the other goblins."

"What do the New York Rangers and the Titanic have in common?" (hockey joke)

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the vaccinated and unvaccinated have in common?"/"Neither will ever be fully vaccinated."

"What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

"What do they call Chamomile tea in Europe?"/"Chamokilometer."

"What do they call Chinese food in China?"

"What do they call employee of the month at the crematorium?"/"Top urner."

"What did they call the loudest knight of all?"/"Sir Roundsound."

"What do they call a turducken in Russia?"/"Russian nesting fowls."

"What do they drink in the southern suburbs?"/"Subourbon!"

"What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?"/"Panquakes."

"What do they say in Paris, TX?"/"Oui-haw!"

"What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?"/"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"What do they teach you in pre-K?"/"The first 10 letters."

"What do tired line dancers do?"/"They line down."

"What do transgenders put on their salad?"/"Crossdressing."

"What do turkeys have to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?"/"Vegetarians."

"What do two communists have in common?"/"Everything."

"What do you call a sad strawberry?"/"A blueberry."

"What do vampires play poker for?"/"High stakes."

"What do vegans and vampires have in common?"/"They both hate stakes."

"What do vegans say at Christmas?"/"Soy to the world!"

"What do vegans say during sex?"/"Artichoke me."

"What do we want?"/ "A box of chocolates."/ "When do we want it?"/ "After eight."

"What do we want?"/ "A cure for chocolate addiction."/ "When do we want it?"/ "After eight."

"What do we want?"/"Hearing aids!"/"When do we want them?"/"HEARING AIDS!"

"What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!" (joke)

"What do we want?"/"Time travel!"/"When do we want it?"/"It's irrelevant!"

"What do whores and Walmart have in common?" (NSFW joke)

"What do witches ask for at a hotel?"/"Broom service."

"What do witches use on their hair?"/"Scare spray."

"What do you buy the web designer who has everything?"/"Gif vouchers."

"What do you call 12 enchiladas?"/"A footilada."

"What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?"/"Prime mates."

"What do you call 2 witches sharing an apartment?"/"Broomates."

"What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?"/"Skeet."

"What do you call 20 parachuting lawyers?"/"Skeet."

"What do you call 500 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start." (lawyer joke)

"What do you call 52 pieces of bread?"/"A deck of carbs."

"What do you call 52 slices of bread?"/"A deck of carbs."

"What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a $1,000 door?"/"A grand entrance."

"What do you call a baby dump truck?"/"A dumpling."

"What do you call a bad salad dressing?"/"Vineregret."

"What do you call a baker with a cold?"/"Coughee cake."

"What do you call a baker with a cold?"/"Coughy cake."

"What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?"/"A pastryarchy."

"What do you call a BBQ pun?"/"A meataphor."

"What do you call a bean that was previously famous?"/"A 'has bean.'"

"What do you call a bean that’s not cool anymore?"/"A has-bean."

"What do you call a bear with no teeth?"/"A gummy bear."

"What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?"/"A tattoo."

"What do you call a bird that’s doing its best at geometry?"/"A trying gull."

"What do you call a bird who drinks too much?"/"An owlcoholic."

"What do you call a black man flying a plane?"/"A pilot, you racist!"

"What do you call a blind racist?"/"A not-see."

"What do you call a block of cheese that hasn't been shredded?"/"Ungrateful."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a boat carrying vodka, penises and potatoes?"/"An Absolut dick tater ship."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a big dick?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a big penis?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with a large penis?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a bodybuilder with big balls?"/"A beginner."

"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?"/"Church."

"What do you call a book written in prison?"/"Context."

"What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?"/"Reader's Digest."

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"/"A stick."

"What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?"/"A flamethrower."

"What do you call a broken angle?"/"A REKTangle."

"What do you call a broken angle?"/"A wrecked angle."

"What do you call a broken square?"/"A REKTangle."

"What do you call a broken square?"/"A wrecked angle."

"What do you call a Buddhist potato?"/"A chipmonk."

"What do you call a Buddhist potato?"/"A medi-tater."

"What do you call a building filled with guitar players?"/"Jail."

"What do you call a building full of guitarists?"/"Jail."

"What do you call a building full of guitarists?"/"Prison."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?"/"The NBA."

"What do you call a Cajun who never tells the truth?"/"Jumbolaya."

"What do you call a calculator that works instantly?"/"Calcunow."

"What do you call a car that's covered in leaves?"/"An autumnobile."

"What do you call a carnivorous weatherman?"/"A meat-eater-ologist."

"What do you call a cat that eats lemons?"/"A sourpuss."

"What do you call a cautious potato?/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a ceiling bill that makes you pass out?"/"A roof fee!"

"What do you call a cheap vampire?"/"Discount Dracula."

"What do you call a cheese that refuses to go on pasta?"/"Ungrateful."

"What do you call a chef under stress?"/"A pressure cooker."

"What do you call a Chicago Cubs player with a World Series ring?"/"A thief."

"What do you call a chicken crossing the road?"/"Poultry in motion."

"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?"/"Chicken sees a salad."

"What do you call a chicken that calculates how long it will take to cross the road?" (riddle)

"What do you call a chicken who loves math?"/"A mathemachicken"

"What do you call a chicken with a bad sunburn?"/"Fried chicken."

"What do you call a Chinese billionaire?"/"Cha Ching."

"What do you call a Chinese crab?"/"A crust-asian."

"What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?"/"An honor roll."

"What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?"/"An honor roll."

"What do you call a circle of $100 bills?"/"Aretha Franklins."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?"/"A jig mistake."

"What do you call a coffee with an old friend?"/"A catchupino."

"What do you call a cold burrito?"/"A brrrrrrito."

"What do you call a cold cucumber?"/"A cucumbrrr."

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"/"A chili dog on a bun."

"What do you call a communist pirate ship?"/"The USS-ARRR."

"What do you call a Communist sniper?"/"A Marxman."

"What do you call a competition between lawyers?"/"A tourney at law."

"What do you call a computer mouse that swears?"/"A cursor."

"What do you call a cook who becomes a lawyer?"/"A sue chef."

"What do you call a cough that attracts a lot of attention?"/"Phlegm-boyant."

"What do you call a couple of asses in an asparagus patch?"/"Ass pair I guess."

"What do you call a coupon-using vampire?"/"Discount."

"What do you call a cow during an earthquake?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow in a tornado?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on a trampoline?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on stilts?"/"Raising the steaks."

"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?"/"A milk dud."

"What do you call a cow that just gave birth?"/"Decaffeinated."

"What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?"/"Cacao."

"What do you call a cow with a twitch?"/"Beef jerky."

"What do you call a cow with five legs?"/"Rare."

"What do you call a cow with no legs?"/"Ground beef."

"What do you call a cow with no legs?"/"Crippled."

"What do you call a cow with one leg?"/"Steak."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Lean beef."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Tri-tip."

"What do you call a cow with two legs?"/"Your mom."

"What do you call a crazy chicken?"/"A cuckoo cluck."

"What do you call a crazy judge?"/"Judge-mental."

"What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?"/"An alley gator."

"What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole?"/"A guacodile!"

"What do you call a cross-dressing bellhop?"/"A trans-porter."

"What do you call a cucumber that can't make up it's mind?"/"Fickle."

"What do you call a curd that's been asked a lot of questions?"/"A grilled cheese."

"What do you call a dad who's fallen through the ice?"/"A popsicle."

"What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?"/"A beer-a-cuda."

"What do you call a day old pastry?"/"Yesterdanish."

"What do you call a deer that eats pickles?"/"A dill doe."

"What do you call a dental X-ray?"/"A tooth-pic."

"What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?"/"Denis."

"What do you call a depressed cow?"/"An emoo."

"What do you call a depressed salami?"/"Pepper-ennui."

"What do you call a dinosaur made of glass?"/"A Py-rex."

"What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?"/"A Tea-rex."

"What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool?"/"A Montessaurus."

"What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?"/"Py-rex."

"What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?"/"A leper-con."

"What do you call a disobedient kid who doesn't believe in Santa?"/"A rebel without a Claus."

"What do you call a Djinn with powers over pasta?"/"A Fettugenie."

"What do you call a doctor who is on call 24/7?"/"An oncologist."

"What do you call a documentary about trombones?"/"A slide show."

"What do you call a domestic animal you keep in your vehicle?"/"Carpet."

"What do you call a Drosophila who likes to drink?"/" A bar fly."

"What do you call a drummer with half a brain?"/"Gifted."

"What do you call a drunk wall?"/"Plastered."

"What do you call a drunk blonde?"/"A taxi."

"What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?"/"A Lyft."

"What do you call a drunk humanitarian?"/"A philanthroPISSED."

"What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?"/"An Uber."

"What do you call a drunk wall?"/"Plastered."

"What do you call a dying airport computer?"/"A terminal terminal terminal."

"What do you call a fake koi fish?"/"A dekoi."

"What do you call a fake potato?"/"An imitater."

"What do you call a fancy hotel that is hard to find?"/"The Waldo Astoria."

"What do you call a farm that sells chickens and pigs?"/"A chicken bacon ranch."

"What do you call a farmer in the army?"/"E.I. G.I. Joe."

"What do you call a fart in bed?"/"Sheet music!"

"What do you call a fast escalator?"/"An escasooner."

"What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern?"/"A plumpkin."

"What do you call a fat psychic?"/"A four-chin teller."

"What do you call a female papaya?"/"Mamaya."

"What do you call a feminist government?"/"A dick-hater-ship."

"What do you call a fireman who lost his job?"/"A firedman."

"What do you call a fish made of 2 sodium atoms?"/"2Na."

"What do you call a flying monkey?"/"A hot air baboon."

"What do you call a frog spy?"/"A croak and dagger agent."

"What do you call a frozen dog?"/"A pupsicle."

"What do you call a fungi that loves to gossip?"/"A shit-talky mushroom."

"What do you call a funny fortune cookie?"/"An inside joke."

"What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other?"/"Gluten tag."

"What do you call a gang of 19 crows?"/"Corvid-19."

"What do you call a gang of ghosts?"/"A hauntourage."

"What do you call a gay barista?"/"A Coffee Grindr."

"What do you call a gay French bread?" (NSFW riddle)

"What do you call a gay milkman?"/"A dairy queen."

"What do you call a genetically engineered cow?"/"A mootant."

"What do you call a ghost at a hotel?"/"An inn spectre."

"What do you call a ghost who runs his own business?"/"A hauntrepreneur."

"What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?"/"Bernadette."

"What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?"/"Annette."

"What do you call a girl who works in a sunbed shop?"/"Tanya."

"What do you call a go-go dancing pig?"/"Shakin' bacon."

"What do you call a grammar Nazi?"/"A corrections officer."

"What do you call a group of millionaires watching the World Series?" (joke)

"What do you call a group of musicians who stole all of their instruments?"/"Bandits."

"What do you call a group of pirate ships?"/"An Arrrrrmada!"

"What do you call a group of racist pigeons and chickens?"/"The Coo Clucks Clan."

"What do you call a group of whales playing instruments?"/"An orca-stra."

"What do you call a group of Jewish cows?"/"Filet Minyan."

"What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?"/"A music critic."

"What do you call a guy in a soup pot?"/"Stu."

"What do you call a guy in debt?"/"Owen."

"What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?"/"Phil."

"What do you call a hairy pumpkin?"/"A Sas-squash."

"What do you call a handsome avocado?"/"Guapomole."

"What do you call a happy cowboy?"/"A jolly rancher."

"What do you call a haunted chicken?"/"A poultry-geist."

"What do you call a helpful potato?"/"A facilitater."

"What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?"/"A mathemachicken!"

"What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?"/"Beef Stroganoff."

"What do you call a high-priced barber shop?"/"A clip joint."

"What do you call a homeless woodwind?"/"A hoboe."

"What do you call a hotel that offers a breakfast of Eggs Benedict?"/"A Hollandaise Inn."

"What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhea?"/"Incontinental."

"What do you call a housekeeper who is an anti-vaxxer?"/"Mrs. Doubtpfizer."

"What do you call a judge with no fingers?"/"Justice Thumbs."

"What do you call a judge with no thumbs?"/"Justice Fingers."

"What do you call a juice with no ice?"/"Ju."

"What do you call a juice without ice?"/"Ju."

"What do you call a kangaroo that always asks for more soup?"/"A moresoupial!"

"What do you call a kangaroo who's starred in Oliver Twist?"/"A more-soup-ial."

"What do you call a Karen on Halloween?"/"A trigger treater."

"What do you call a killing before yoga practice?"/"A pre-meditated murder."

"What do you call a large Louisianan who never tells the truth?"/"A jambalaya."

"What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call a laughing motorcycle?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a laughing piano?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a laundromat for pigs?"/"Hogwash."

"What do you call a lawyer that knows karate?"/"Chop suey!"

"What do you call a lawyer who becomes a cook?"/"A sue chef."

"What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?"/"A barristar."

"What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?"/"A barristar."

"What do you call a lawyer who does karate?"/"Chop suey!"

"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?"/"Your Honor" (lawyer joke)

"What do you call a leprechaun’s vacation home?"/"A lepre-condo."

"What do you call a levitating monk?"/"An air friar."

"What do you call a line dancer on a cruise?"/"An ocean liner."

"What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends?"/" Endless bread!"

"What do you call a mad nut?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?"/"Ian."

"What do you call a magician who's good at cooking?"/"A sauceror."

"What do you call a manager at a soup restaurant?"/"Stew. He’s the soupervisor."

"What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?"/"A platoon."

"What do you call a matador who gets trampled? A dor mat"

"What do you call a math balled?"/"A musical number."

"What do you call a mean vegetable?"/"A rudeabaga."

"What do you call a melancholy robot?"/"A sigh-borg."

"What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?"/"Sinko de Mayo."

"What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?"/"A cell-ist."

"What do you call a midget on the subway?"/"A metro gnome."

"What do you call a mischievous egg?"/"A practical yolker."

"What do you call a monk riding in a hot air balloon?"/"An air friar."

"What do you call a mouse that swears?"/"A cursor."

"What do you call a musical instrument made of gelatin?"/"A jello!"

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?"/"Homeless."

"What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?"/"Shakespeare."

"What do you call a New Yorker who hates the Metropolitan Museum of Art?"/"Metaverse."

"What do you call a New Yorker who's always complaining?"/"A New Yorker."

"What do you call a nightmare about paper?"/"A bad ream."

"What do you call a part-time orchestra leader?"/"A semi-conductor."

"What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?"/"A constellation prize."

"What do you call a particularly shitty vegetable?"/"Pro-deuce."

"What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?"/"A quarterback."

"What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?"/"A cannibble."

"What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?"/"Retired."

"What do you call a person who plays the viola?"/"A violator."

"What do you call a phallic-shaped potato?"/"A dictator."

"What do you call a phone shaped like an Italian dumpling?"/"A gnocchia."

"What do you call a pig with no clothes on?"/"Streaky bacon."

"What do you call a pig in the sun?"/"Bacon."

"What do you call a pig on a leash?"/"Pulled pork."

"What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?"/"A Ham-Brrr-Grrr."

"What do you call a pig that knows karate?"/"A pork chop."

"What do you call a pig that's cold and angry at the same time?"/"A ham-brr-grr"

"What do you call a pig thief?"/"A ham-burglar."

"What do you call a pig with no legs?"/"A groundhog."

"What do you call a pirate who skips class?"/"Captain Hooky."

"What do you call a pizza place run only by nonbinary people?"/"Little Ze/Zirs."

"What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?"/"HornPub."

"What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn't?"/"High and dry."

"What do you call a plant-eating Viking?"/"A Norvegan."

"What do you call a polite cheesemaker?"/"Curdeous."

"What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?"/"A civil engineer."

"What do you call a politician with half a brain?"/"Gifted."

"What do you call a politician with half a brain?"/"JFK."

"What do you call a potato in a hotel room?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a potato that makes videos?"/"A YouTUBER."

"What do you call a potato that uploads videos?"/"A YouTuber."

"What do you call a potato with glasses?"/"A spectator."

"What do you call a potato that is reluctant to jump into boiling water?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?"/"A father in law."

"What do you call a quesadilla that gives you upset stomach?"/"A quesadiarrhea (case of diarrhea)."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a red-headed baker?"/"A ginger bread man."

"What do you call a refrigerated grilled cheese?"/"Chilled grease."

"What do you call a reluctant potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a retired Heinz worker?"/"A has bean."

"What do you call a retired miner?"/"Doug."

"What do you call a retired vegetable?"/"A has-bean."

"What do you call a rich elf?"/"Welfy."

"What do you call a rude pumpkin?"/"Sass-squash."

"What do you call a Russian tree that grows meat?"/"Dimitri."

"What do you call a Russian with Covid?"/"Kalashnicough."

"What do you call a Russian with Covid?"/"Nastikof."

"What do you call a sad watermelon?"/"Melancholy."

"What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?"/"A Nor-vegan."

"What do you call a security guard at a swimming pool?"/"The poolice."

"What do you call a Sergal being investigated?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What do you call a sheep with no legs?"/"A cloud."

"What do you call a shirt with stalks of corn on it?"/"A crop top."

"What do you call a shoe store with only one owner?"/"A sole proprietorship."

"What do you call a short musician in the subway?"/"A metro-gnome."

"What do you call a silent kebab?"/"A shh-kebab."

"What do you call a singing elf?"/"A wrapper."

"What do you call a skinhead who doesn’t eat meat?"/"A vegetaryan." (vegetarian + Aryan)

"What do you call a sleeping pizza?"/"A pizzzza."

"What do you call a small pork farm?"/"A hamlet."

"What do you call a snake that loves building houses?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you call a snake that works in the government?"/"A civil serpent."

"What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you call a snake who loves dessert?"/"A piethon."

"What do you call a snake who makes a living building passenger airplanes?"/"A Boeing constructor."

"What do you call a snowman on roller blades?"/"A snowmobile."

"What do you call a snowman party?"/"A snowball."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a snowman with a suntan?"/"A puddle."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a soup made with weed?"/"Cannabisque."

"What do you call a spice with some experience?"/"Seasoned salt."

"What do you call a spicy Japanese pizza demon?"/"Pepper oni."

"What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?"/"Challapeno."

"What do you call a spooky burrito?"/"A boo-rito."

"What do you call a spud in a hotel?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a steak made of little yellow guys?"/"A filet minion."

"What do you call a stolen Tesla?"/"An Edison."

"What do you call a stripper from Malta?"/"A Malteser."

"What do you call a stupid fish?"/"A dumb bass."

"What do you call a surreptitious shellfish?"/"Clamdestine."

"What do you call a tea which stays with you for a long time?"/"Loyalty."

"What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?"/"A private tooter."

"What do you call a teller on a tightrope?"/"Online banking."

"What do you call a temporary teacher fart?"/"A substitoot."

"What do you call a toothless cannibal?"/"A can'tibal."

"What do you call a town full of pigs?"/"A hamlet."

"What do you call a town with a lot of benches?"/"A sitty."

"What do you call a traveling salesman riding a bicycle?"/"A pedaler."

"What do you call a tube with a college degree?"/"A graduated cylinder."

"What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?"/"Lucky."

"What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?"/"Lucky."

"What do you call a vampire on sale?"/"Discount Dracula."

"What do you call a vampire who does his shopping on Black Friday?"/"Dis-Count."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"A cant-ibal."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"A disappointment."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"Dead."

"What do you call a vegan cannibal?"/"Hungry."

"What do you call a vegan chicken strip?"/"A chicken pretender."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call a vegan from Norway?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegan Viking?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegetable that's a dude and has a foodborn illness?"/"Bro Coli."

"What do you call a vegetable that's standing in line?"/"A queuecumber."

"What do you call a vegetarian Viking?"/"A Nor-vegan."

"What do you call a vegetarian Viking?"/"Norvegan."

"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?"/"A salad shooter."

"What do you call a Viking who doesn't eat animal products?"/"A Norvegan."

"What do you call a waffle on a California beach?"/"A Sandy Eggo."

"What do you call a waffle's evil twin?"/"Its alter Eggo."

"What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?"/"A hurricane."

"What do you call a wavering potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a witch who only eats sand?"/"Malnourished."

"What do you call a witch’s garage?"/"A broom closet."

"What do you call a woman who can't draw?"/"Tracy."

"What do you call a woman who follows the NY Philharmonic around?"/"A symphomaniac."

"What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti?"/"A pastatute."

"What do you call a woman who’s really good at darts?"/"Amy."

"What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?"/"Olive."

"What do you call a wooden car with wooden wheels?"/"Wooden go."

"What do you call a yam in a hotel?"/"A suite potato."

"What do you call a yam lover who makes vlogs?"/"A YouTuber."

"What do you call a zombie who stir fries?"/"Dead Man Wokking."

"What do you call advice from a cow?"/"Beef tips."

"What do you call aged pasta?"/"Ravioldi."

"What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?"/"An optimist."

"What do you call an accordion player with a pager?"/"An optimist."

"What do you call an acid with an attitude?"/"A-mean-oh acid."

"What do you call an alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks & animal fat?"/"An extra cholesterol"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest?"/"An investigator."

"What do you call an alligator with a GPS?"/"A navigator."

"What do you call an alligator with a map?"/"A navigator."

"What do you call an American drawing?"/"A Yankee Doodle."

"What do you call an angry carrot?"/"A steamed veggie."

"What do you call an angry nut?"/"A pissed-achio."

"What do you call an annoyed lobster?"/"A frustacean."

"What do you call an ant who skips school?"/"A truant."

"What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down stairs?"/"A condescending con descending."

"What do you call an atheist business?"/"A non-prophet organization."

"What do you call an athletic pumpkin?"/"A jock o' lantern."

"What do you call an average comic?"/"A co-median."

"What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?"/"A miracle."

"What do you call an emo vegetable?"/"A despair-agus."

"What do you call an empty hot dog?/"A halloweenie."

"What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?"/"Cheese was."

"What do you call an enchilada in England?"/"A centimeterilada."

"What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?"/"The referee."

"What do you call an everyday potato?"/"A commentator."

"What do you call an expired avocado?"/"Guaca-moldy."

"What do you call an ice cream truck operator?"/"A sundae driver."

"What do you call an indecisive potato?"/"A hesi-tater."

"What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?"/"An influenzer."

"What do you call interrogated gouda?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?"/"A platoon."

"What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?"/"Sean D'Olier."

"What do you call an Irishman who won't stop bouncing off the walls?"/"Rick O'Shea."

"What do you call an irritated lobster?"/"A frustracean."

"What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?"/"A desserted island."

"What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?"/"A PDF file."

"What do you call an Italian search engine?"/"Bada Bing."

"What do you call an opossum who goes back for seconds in the soup line?"/"A more-soup-ial."

"What do you call an overpriced sushi restaurant?"/"A raw deal."

"What do you call an uncertain potato?"/"A hesitater."

"What do you call a pious pepper?"/"A holy peño."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Small fry."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Tater tots."

"What do you call baby snowmen?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do you call bread with your toe jam spread all over it?"/"Toest."

"What do you call cheese by itself?"/"Provolone."

"What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?"/"Space De Brie"

"What do you call cheese that is sad?"/"Bleu cheese."

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"/"Nacho cheese."

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"/"Stolen."

"What do you call children born in whorehouses?"/"Brothel sprouts."

"What do you call clumsy grapes?"/"Unconcordinated."

"What do you call someone who points out the obvious?"/"Someone who points out the obvious."

"What do you call corn stuck in a spider-web?"/"Corn on the cob."

"What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?"/"Feminists."

"What do you call cream cheese with paprika?"/"Pap schmear."

"What do you call dangerous precipitation?"/"A rain of terror."

"What do you call Dracula with hay fever?"/"The pollen Count."

"What do you call eating only a little bit of someone at a time?"/"Can-nibble-ism."

"What do you call an eternity?"/"Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop."

"What do you call a fake noodle?"/"An impasta."

"What do you call fake potatoes?"/"Imitaters."

"What do you call freshly made pasta?"/"Newdles."

"What do you call friends who eat together?"/"Taste buds."

"What do you call funny mayonnaise?"/"LMAYO."

"What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica?"/"Pyrex of the Caribbean."

"What do you call haunted yogurt?"/"Paranormal Activia."

"What do you call heavily burnt pasta?"/"Al Dante."

"What do you call hierophant vaccimulgence?"/"Pastorized milk."

"What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?"/"Canabananalism."

"What do you call it when a ghost robs a bank?"/"A polterheist."

"What do you call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?"/"Santapplause."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?"/"Internyet."

"What do you call it when two chips fall in love?"/"A relation-dip."

"What do you call karate for amputees?"/"Partial Arts."

"What do you call mashed avocado with milk?"/"Guacam-au-lait."

"What do you call mayonnaise left out for a month?"/"Juneonnaise."

"What do you call medical students who graduated online?"/"Google Docs."

"What do you call the milk from a Christened cow?"/"Pastorised milk."

"What do you call naked pasta?"/"Nudeles."

"What do you call old frijoles?"/"Has beans."

"What do you call old guacamole?"/"Guacamoldy."

"What do you call peanuts with guns?"/"Packing peanuts."

"What do you call physicians who work at Google?"/"Google Docs."

"What do you call quesadillas that you eat in the morning?"/"Buenosdillas."

"What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?"/"Hot, cross bunnies."

"What do you call religious pasta?"/"Raviholy."

"What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?"/"Guardians of the Galaxy."

"What do you call Sodium, Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen Cheese?"/"NaCHO Cheese."

"What do you call someone who can't make stock from a cube?"/"An Oxo moron."

"What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?"/"A desserter."

"What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?"/"A matzochist."

"What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?"/"A Las Vegan."

"What do you call someone who doesn't eat meat or vegetables?"/"Dead."

"What do you call someone who doesn’t like bread?"/"A weirdough."

"What do you call someone who doesn't like food fights?"/"A pasta-fist."

"What do you call someone who eats food secretly?"/"Omnomynous."

"What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars?"/"A quantum mechanic."

"What do you call someone who gives away free herbs?"/"A cilantropist."

"What do you call someone who gives out soda at Christmas?"/"Fanta Clause."

"What do you call someone who is good at fishing?"/"A profishional."

"What do you call someone who loves coriander?"/"A cilantropist."

"What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?"/"A cannibble"

"What do you call someone who wants more soup?"/"A moresoupial."

"What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?"/"Black toast intolerant."

"What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to Greek cheese?"/"A feta-shist."

"What do you call something that can't be forklifted?"/"Unpalletable."

"What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?"/"Filet minyan."

"What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?"/"The Top Urner."

"What do you call the first meal of the day at a nursing home?"/"Incontinental breakfast."

"What do you call the formal study of pasta?"/"Linguinistics."

"What do you call the head of a school of fish?"/"A Sardean."

"What do you call the man who shreds your cheese at a restaurant?"/"A grate guy."

"What do you call the new girl at the bank?"/"The Nutella!"

"What do you call the offspring of two dump trucks?"/"Dumplings."

"What do you call the pants that have your car keys?"/"Khaki pants."

"What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?"/"Floor d’oeuvres."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Triggernometry."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Trigonometry."

"What do you call thistle that grows in far away places?"/"Thattle."

"What do you call those little green buildings inhabited by Irish wee folk?"/"Leprecondos."

"What do you call those things you blow and make a wish?"/"Breathalyzers."

"What do you call twin police officers?"/"Copies."

"What do you call two banana skins?"/"A pair of slippers."

"What do you call two crows on a branch?"/"Attempted murder."

"What do you call two men hanging from a window?"/"Kurt n Rod."

"What do you call two people in an ambulance?"/"A pair of medics."

"What do you call two pints of strict rules?"/"A quart of law."

"What do you call two salads madly in love?"/"Hopeless romainetics."

"What do you call two witches living together?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call two witches who live together?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?"/"A drummer."

"What do you call an accountant with an opinion?"/"An auditor."

"What do you catch if you go fishing with gummy worms?"/"Swedish Fish."

"What do you after an Apple turns bad?"/"You open windows."

"What do you do for a living?"/"My best. I do my best."

"What do you do if you get rejected from a job at a sunscreen factory? Reapply!"

"What do you do when you don't have any rubber bands?"/"See if you can find a plastic orchestra."

"What do you do when you see a spaceman?"/"You park, man."

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"/"Walk him and pitch to the giraffe."

"What do you drain your Brussels sprouts with at Christmas?"/"An Advent colander."

"What do you eat when your Pop Tarts get stuck and break in half?"/"Top Parts."

"What do you feed a baby parabola?"/"Quadratic formula."

"What do you get after eating horsemeat?"/"The trots."

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a drunk chicken?"/"Scotch eggs."

"What do you get from a dwarf cow?"/"Condensed milk."

"What do you get from a forgetful cow?"/"Milk of amnesia."

"What do you get from a pampered cow?"/"Spoiled milk."

"What do you get from an invisible cow?"/"Evaporated milk."

"What do you get from eating too much guacamole?"/"Guacoma."

"What do you get hanging from apple trees?"/"Sore arms."

"What do you get if you boil funnybones?"/"A laughing stock."

"What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"/"A brick-layer."

"What do you get if you cross a drummer with a musician?"/"A bass player."

"What do you get if you cross a grocery clerk with a scientist?"/"Market research."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?"/"You get light music."

"What do you get if you cross a leprechaun with a Texan?"/"Pot of chili at the end of the rainbow."

"What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?"/"The collie-wobbles."

"What do you get if you cross a snake and a hot dog?"/"A fangfurter."

"What do you get if you cross a snake with a Lego set?"/"A boa constructor."

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?"/"A snake in the brass."

"What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A bird that plucks itself."

"What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?"/"Monkfish."

"What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?"/"No more jokes about the profit."

"What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?"/"Crisp Cringle."

"What do you get if you divide 22 sheep with 7 collies."/"Shepherd's pi."

"What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?"/"A flat minor."

"What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?"/"Fat. You get fat."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?"/"A thyme machine."

"What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage?"/"Garbage."

"What do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when lightning strikes the chicken coop?"/"Sudden fried chicken."

"What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans?"/"A brews."

"What do you get when the sunrise bends over?"/"The crack of dawn."

"What do you get when you ask a politician for the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth?"

"What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?"/"A pineapple."

"What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?"/"A hot-diggity-dog."

"What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?"/"Milk and quackers."

"What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?"/"Run over."

"What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?"/"A gingerbreadmon."

"What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?"/"A leap year."

"What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?"/"Another lawyer."

"What do you get when you cross a police dog with a skunk?"/"Law & odor."

"What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a cow?"/"Blue cheese."

"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?"/"Frostbite."

"What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?"/"Lots of blood tests."

"What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A turkey that can pluck himself."

"What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?"/"A turkey that can pluck itself."

"What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?"/"A pineapple."

"What do you get when an cross an elephant with a RINO?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?"/"A rash of good luck."

"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?"

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when you eat bad pizza?"/"Pizzarrhea."

"What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?"/"Diabetes."

"What do you have when you get five yachts?"/"Yachtzee!"

"What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?"/"The saddest vegetable: a melonccoli."

"What do you get when you mix beans and onions?"/"Tear gas."

"What do you get when you mix holy water with vodka?"/"The holy spirit."

"What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?"/"A religious movement."

"What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?"/"Ham boogers."

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?"/"Pulled pork."

"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?"/"Hot cross bunnies."

"What do you get when you put cabbage in a wood chipper?"/"Slaw dust!"

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you take green cheese & divide its circumference by its diameter?"/"Moon pi."

"What do you give a dog with a fever?"/"Mustard -- it's the best thing for a hot dog!"

"What do you give a dog with a fever?"/"Mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog."

"What do you give to a man who has everything?"/"Penicillin."

"What do you give to a sick lemon?"/"Lemon aid."

"What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?"/" Lots."

"What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? (lawyer joke)

"What do you need to make dill bread?"/"Dill dough."

"What do you play 4D chess on?"/"A chesseract!"

"What do you say to a leprechaun?"/"How's the weather down there?"

"What do you say to a Mexican body builder who's out of protein powder?"/"No whey, José."

"What do you say to a mother of members of the military?"/"Thank you for your cervix."

"What do you say to a naked pig?"/"I never sausage a body."

"What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car?"/"Audi."

"What do you say to a vegetarian in a coma?"/"You are what you eat."

"What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?"/"Anything, just butter him up!"

"What do you say to an angry potato?"/"Anything, just butter him up."

"What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?"/"You seamstressed."

"What do you say to comfort an English teacher?"/"They’re, there, their."

"What do you say when your pea rolls away?"/"It's an escape-pea!"

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?"/"Donuts."

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?"/"Doughnuts."

"What do you take before every meal?"/"You take a seat."

"What do you think about the execution of the team?" (sports joke)

"What do you think of Flushing, New York?"/"I think it would be a good idea."

"What do you think of my Irish stew?"/"It could use a pinch of Gaelic."

"What do you think of the musician's execution?"/"I'm in favor of it."

"What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners" (lawyer joke)

"What do you use to buy bar drinks?"/"Bar tender."

"What do you use to clean a pig?"/"Ham sanitizer."

"What do you use to fix a broken tuba?"/"A tuba glue."

"What do you wear to a Thanksgiving dinner?"/"A har-vest."

"What do zombies eat while on a hike?"/"Entrail Mix."

"What does a baby ghost need at a restaurant?"/"A boo-ster seat."

"What does a blind man use to ski?"/"A skiing eye dog."

"What does a Broadway actor do when he has the flu?"/"Eight shows a week."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a stoner?"/"Pot roast."

"What does a cannibal drink in the morning?"/"A cup of Joe."

"What does a cannibalistic cow eat?"/"Can o bull."

"What does a car put on its toast?"/"Traffic jam."

"What does a Chinese bear fry eggs in?"/"A pan, duh!"

"What does a Chinese cowboy say?"/"Ni-haody."

"What does a clock do when it's hungry?"/"It goes back four seconds."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a computer frog say?"/"Reboot, reboot, reboot."

"What does a condiment wizard perform?"/"Saucery."

"What does a cow ride when his car is broken?"/"A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle."

"What does a dollar bill say to another?"/"Never change."

"What does a dolphin bake with?"/"All porpoise flour."

"What does a drummer use for contraception?"/" His personality."

"What does a dyslexic racist hate the most?"/"Gingers."

"What does a fart from a hard-core milk drinker smell like?"/"Dairy-air."

"What does a fat cow give you?"/"Homework!"

"What does a government do once it has disarmed its citizens? Anything it wants"

"What does a government do once it has disarmed its citizens? Whatever it wants"

"What does a government do, once it has disarmed its populace? Anything it wants"

"What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?"/"Reservations!"

"What does a Jewish pescatarian say at breakfast time on the day of atonement? 'Yum, kipper.'"

"What does a Jewish pirate say?"/"Ahoy vey!"

"What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?"/"Taller."

"What does a nosey pepper do?"/"It gets jalapeño business!"

"What does a nosy pepper do?"/"It gets jalapeño business."

"What does a painter do when he gets cold?"/"He puts on another coat."

"What does a panda cook with?"/"A pan, duh!"

"What does a pear tree do before growing its fruit?"/"It pre-pears."

"What does a penguin waiter say?"/"Waddle it be?"

"What does a physicist have for lunch?"/"Fission chips."

"What does a pizza wear to smell good?"/"Calzogne."

"What does a politician do after he dies?"/"He lies still."

"What does a programmer wear?"/"Whatever is in the dress code."

"What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension"

"What does a redneck and yeast have in common?"/"They are both in bread."

"What does a termite order at the restaurant?"/"A table for two!"

"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?"/"Synonym rolls."

"What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?"/"A stake sandwich."

"What does a vampire order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow vein."

"What does a vegan cannibal eat?"/"Human beans."

"What does a vegan cannibal eat?"/"Kurds."

"What does a vegan pirate do in jail?"/"Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!"

"What does a vegan zombie eat?"/"Graaaiinns!"

"What does a vegetable wear to the beach?"/"A zucchini."

"What does a vegetable wear to the beach?"/"A zu-kini."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"A greengrocer."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Cabbage Patch Kids."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Cumin beans."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Swedes."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Toe-fu."

"What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?"/"Vegetables."

"What does a witch use to keep her hair up?"/"Scarespray!"

"What does a zombie bodybuilder crave?"/"GAAAAAAAIIINNNS!"

"What does an aardvark like on its pizza?"/"Ant-chovies."

"What does an American say when he wins at chess?"/"Checkbuddy."

"What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' sticker..."

"What does an auctioneer need to know?"/"Lots."

"What does an electrical engineer have for breakfast?"/"An ohmelette."

"What does an electrician have for breakfast?"/"An ohmelette."

"What does an incoherent turkey say?"/"Garble! Garble! Garble!"

"What does breast milk taste like?"/"Umami."

"What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?"/"The best of thymes, the worst of thymes."

"What does cheese like to drink?"/"Morbier."

"What does garlic do when it gets hot?"/"It takes its cloves off."

"What does gum and gun have in common?"/"Pull it out in class and everyone wants to be your friend"

"What does illiteracy even mean?"

"What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?"/"I didn't wake up this morning..."

"What does Kmart stand for?"/"Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too."

"What does lactose free milk wish to the world?"/"Soy to the world."

"What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?"/"Guacawakamole."

"What does Santa drink?"/"White Claus."

"What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween?"/"Gobble-ins!"

"What does the Chinese cowboy say?"/"Yeehao."

"What does the Easter bunny order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Hop suey."

"What does the military use acid for?"/"To neutralize the enemy base."

"What does the sun drink out of?"/"Sunglasses."

"What does WTC stand for?"/"What Trade Center?"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you"

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you"

"What dog can tell the time?"/"A watch dog."

"What drink always has a cold?"/"Cough-ee."

"What exercise did Jesus do?"/"CrossFit."

"What falls down but never gets hurt?"/"Rain."

"What famous Greek might have invented baseball?'/"Homer."

"What flavor is the toothpaste in jail?"/"Imprisonmint."

"What flies around all day but never goes anywhere?"/"A flag."

"What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?"/"Snow."

"What follows two days of rain in Oregon? Monday!" (joke)

"What food are you able to can?"/"Cannibal (can able) food."

"What food can't make up its mind?"/"A waffle."

"What food is good for the brain?"/"Noodle soup."

"What four days start with the letter 'T'?" (riddle)

"What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?"/"A Piña Colonic."

"What fruit do you use to make toe jam?"/"You use fruit by the foot."

"What fruits do twins like best?"/"Pears."

"What gets bigger the more you take from it?"/"The lower class."

"What gets measured gets managed" ("You can't manage what you can't measure")

"What gets rid of grime and stains?"/"Ammonia cleaner."/"Sorry, I thought you worked here."

"What ghost is handy in the kitchen?"/"A recipe spook."

"What goes around, comes around"

"What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lime disease."

"What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lyme disease."

"What goes up and down at the same time?"/"Stairs."

"What goes up and down, but doesn’t move?"/"A staircase."

"What goes up and down stairs without moving?"/"A carpet."

"What goes up and down without moving?"/"A staircase."

"What goes up when rain comes down?"/"Umbrellas."

"What goes up when the rain comes down?"/"An umbrella."

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think"

"What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?"/"They toasted the bride and groom."

"What happened to Covid 1 to 18?"

"What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?"/"Its bark was much worse than its bite."

"What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?"/"He was eggspelled."

"What happened to the Indian chief who drank too much tea?"/"He drowned in his tea-pee."

"What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?"/"He got 25 days."

"What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?"/"He had to give it back."

"What happened to the musician who robbed the bank?"/"He made off with the lute."

"What happened to the plant in math class?"/"It grew square roots."

"What happened when the barman died?"/"The police held an inn-quest."

"What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?"/"There was some money in the kitty!"

"What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?"/"It stole the show!"

"What happened when the escalator broke down?"/"Everyone stopped and staired!"

"What happened when the turkey got into a fight?"/"He got the stuffing knocked out of him."

"What happened when the two bullets got married?"/"They had a BB."

"What happened when the waiter dropped the Thanksgiving meal?" (joke)

"What happened when two vampires had a race?"/"They finished neck and neck."

"What happens at a bulimic's bachelor party?"/"The cake jumps out of the girl."

"What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?"/"The mean increases."

"What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?"/"The mean increases."

"What happens if we invest money to develop our people and they leave?"

"What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?"/"Every morning you’ll rise and shine!"

"What happens to an egg every time you look at it?"/"It becomes egg sighted."

"What happens to deposed kings?"/"They get throne away."

"What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?"/"It becomes daytrogen."

"What happens twice in a week, once in a year, and never in a day?" (riddle)

"What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?"/"The actors get stage fright."

"What happens when a normal cell goes to war?"/"It becomes diploid."

"What happens when frogs park illegally?"/"They get toad."

"What happens when someone steals uranium?"/"It becomes theiranium."

"What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?"/"Udder chaos."

"What happens when two pastries divorce?"/"They have a custardy battle."

"What happens when you eat aluminum foil?"/"You sheet metal."

"What has 12 faces and 42 eyes?"/"A pair of dice."

"What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?"/"632 Hallmark movies."

"What has 18 legs and catches flies?"/"A baseball team."

"What has 22 legs and 2 wings, but can't fly?"/"A football team."

"What has 3 feet, but can't walk?"/"A yardstick."

"What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, and never has 5 letters"

"What has a foot, but no leg?"/"A ruler."

"What has a head and a tail, but no body?"/"A coin."

"What has college taught you?"/"That no matter how much sleep I get I’ll always be tired."

"What has four legs and flies?"/"A picnic table."

"What has four legs and one arm?"/"A happy pit bull."

"What has four wheels and flies?"/"A garbage truck."

"What has no legs, but can do a split?"/"A banana."

"What has one horn and gives milk?"/"A milk truck."

"What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?" (bingo joke)

"What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery!" (Kinky Friedman)

"What has three feet and cannot walk?"/"A yard stick."

"What has three feet, but can't walk?"/"A yardstick."

"What has three hands, but only one face?"/"A clock."

"What has three legs and an asshole on top?"/"A drum stool."

"What has three letters and starts with gas?"/"A car."

"What has to be broken before it can be used?"/"An egg."

"What has two butts and kills people?"/"An assassin."

"What hides in the bakery at Christmas?"/"Mince spy."

"What hired killer never goes to jail?"/"The exterminator."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What I do drunk is none of my business"

"What I do when I drink is none of my business"

"What I do when I'm drunk is none of my business"

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day"

"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present"

"What I stand for is what I stand on" (environmental activism)

"What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?"

"What idiot called it 'car repair' and not autocorrect?"

"What idiot called it iced coffee instead of cool beans"

"What if algebra teachers are really pirates and they are using us to find 'X'?"

"What if cats have their own internet and it's full of pictures of us?"

"What if daylight didn't want to be saved?"

"What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?"

"What if lollipops moaned every time we licked them?"

"What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool"

"What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?" (joke)

"What if the daylight didn't want to be saved?"

"What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?"

"What if the lottery is an institution to catch time travelers?"

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"What if they aren’t stars at all, but holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe"

"What if they're not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe"

"What if they're not stars? What if they're holes poked in the top of a container so we can breathe"

"What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?"

"What if tinfoil producers create conspiracies so people buy their tinfoil?"

"What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?"

"What if UFOs are just empty vehicles sent into space by eccentric billionaires of other planets?"

"What if when you dunk a cookie in milk and see bubbles come up it's the cookie trying to breathe.."

"What if you pronounced 'female" like 'tamale'?"

"What if your father was a horse thief?" (political affiliation joke)

"What instrument can only be played by a pair of sheep?"/"The tubaa."

"What instrument does a skeleton play?"/"A trombone."

"What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat?"/"Chicago."

"What is a barista's favorite month?"/"Febrewary."

"What is a baseball dog?"/"One that chases fowls."

"What is a bear's favorite drink?"/"Koka-Koala."

"What is a brothel? Is it a soup factory?"

"What is a cannibal?"/"Someone who is fed up with people."

"What is a cannibal's favorite cheese?"/"Limburger."

"What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?"/"Five Guys."

"What is a chicken's favorite beer?"/"Bock."

"What is a chiropractor's favorite type of music?"/"Hip-pop."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a coffee bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving?"/"Roast."

"What is a communist? One who hath yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings."

"What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?"/"Bullogna."

"What is a crazy pickle?"/"A daffydill."

"What is a criminal's favorite font?"/"Sans Sheriff."

"What is a crowbar?"/"A place were crows go to get a drink."

"What is a crow’s favorite drink?"/"Cawfee."

"What is a customary greeting from a cannibal?"/"He presents you with a handshake."

"What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?"/"Comet."

"What is a duck's favorite cheese?"/"Quacker Barrel."

"What is a duck's favorite dance?"/"The quackstep."

"What is a duck's favorite snack?"/"Quackers."

"What is a feminist's favorite fruit?"/"Mango."

"What is a frog's favorite drink?"/"Croak-a-cola."

"What is a ghost boxer called?"/"A phantomweight."

"What is a ghost pirate’s favorite drink?"/"Boo tea."

"What is a ghost's favorite game?"/"Hide-and-ghost-seek."

"What is a ghost's favorite party game?"/"Hide-and-go-shriek."

"What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?"/"Necktarines."

"What is a goblin’s favorite cheese?"/"Monster-ella."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tea."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tea."

"What is a golfer’s favorite drink?"/"Green tee."

"What is a golfer's favorite drink?"/"Green tee."

"What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?"/"Barklava."

"What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food?"/"Strumboli."

"What is a hermit?"/"A girl's baseball glove."

"What is a Jewish dilemma?"/"Free ham."

"What is a jihadist's favorite kind of pepper?"/"Allahpeño."

"What is a kangaroo's favorite year?"/"A leap year."

"What is a Karen called in Europe?"/"An American."

"What is a lawyer's favorite drink?"/"Subpoena colada."

"What is a lion's favorite cheese?"/"Roar-quefort."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer!"

"What is a mummy's favorite type of music?"/"Wrap."

"What is a pirate's favorite drink?"/"Hi-C."

"What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?"/"Gold, not Argon."

"What is a pirate's favorite piece of marketing content?"/"A webinAAAAR."

"What is a pirate's favorite type of music?"/"Arr and B!"

"What is a porcupine's favorite game?"/"Poker."

"What is a pregnant woman to a cannibal?"/"Kinder Surprise."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a relative minor?"/"A country western musician's girlfriend."

"What is a room full of sauerkraut?"/"Over-krauted."

"What is a Russian oligarch’s least favorite dice game?"/"Yacht seized."

"What is a salmon's least favorite type of pastry?"/"Bear claws."

"What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?"/"Straw-berries."

"What is a seal's favorite subject in school?"/"Art art art!"

"What is a sheep's favorite fruit?"/"A baa-nana."

"What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement?"/"Graveyards!"

"What is a snake's favorite subject at school?"/"Hiss-tory."

"What is a snowman's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a stoner's favorite soup?"/"Cannabisque."

"What is a Texas chicken's favorite beer?"/"Shiner Bock Bock Bock!"

"What is a turkey's favorite dessert?"/"Peach gobbler."

"What is a vampire's favorite candy?"/"A sucker."

"What is a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol?"/"Soy to the World."

"What is a vegetarian's favorite Christmas carol?"/"Soy to the World."

"What is a werewolf's favorite appetizer?"/"Howlapeño bites."

"What is a witch's favorite subject in school?"/"Spelling."

"What is a wolf’s favorite vegetable?"/"Aruuuuuuuuuugala."

"What is a wolf's favorite vegetable?"/"Howlapeño."

"What is an actor's favorite breakfast?"/"A big roll!"

"What is an American's favorite type of music?"/"Royalty free."

"What is an Amish person's favorite dried fruit?"/"A barn raisin."

"What is an anagram of thaw"

"What is an astronomer?"/"A night watchman with a college education."

"What is an autograph?"/"A chart which shows car sales."

"What is an SEO's favorite music?"/"Heavy Meta."

"What is an SEO's favorite music?"/"Heavy Meta."

"What is Bigfoot’s favorite exercise?"/"Sasquats."

"What is black when it is clean and white when it is dirty?"/"A blackboard."

"What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?"/"A coconut on vacation."

"What is Canada's favorite board game?"/"Sorry!"

"What is cardboard’s favorite sport?"/"Boxing."

"What is copper nitrate?"/"Overtime for policemen."

"What is Count Dracula's favorite snack?"/"A fangfurter."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is Frosty's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is full of raisins and on a secret mission?"/"Mince spy."

"What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?"/"A meltdown."

"What is it called when you kill a chickpea?"/"Hummuside."

"What is it that occurs once in a minute, twice in a week, and yet only once in a year?" (riddle)

"What is Karen's favorite drink?"/"White whine."

"What is marble cake? Does it have real marbles?"

"What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?"/"Gorgonzola."

"What is muffins spelled backwards?"/"Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven."

"What is musical and handy in a supermarket?"/"A Chopin Liszt."

"What is one plus one?" (accounting joke)

"What is Pac-Man's favorite piece of cookware?"/"A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok."

"What is Perseus's least favorite cheese?"/"Gorgonzola."

"What is Peter Pan's favorite fast food restaurant?"/"Wendy's."

"What is Porky Pig's least favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What is red, orange and yellow and doesn’t get hurt when it falls?"/"Autumn leaves!"

"What is small, furry and smells like bacon?"/"A hamster."

"What is small, red and whispers?"/"A hoarse radish."

"What is something that tastes better than it smells?"/"A tongue."

"What is the best butter in the world?"/"A goat."

"What is the best month to drink beer?"/"Fe-brew-ary."

"What is the best track and field sport? Discus"

"What is the best way to cut a musician into tiny pieces?"/"With a band saw."

"What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?"/"With a pitchfork!"

"What is the color of a hamburger?"/"Burgundy."

"What is the color of the wind?"/"Blew."

"What is the cutest of all seasons?"/"Awwwwwtumn!"

"What is the cutest season?"/"Awwtumn."

"What is the definition of a financial genius?" (joke)

"What is the definition of Death?"/"When you stop paying taxes suddenly."

"What is the definition of 'derange'?"/"De place where de cowboys ride."

"What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit banknote?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a dollar and a rouble?"/"A dollar."

"What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble?"/"A dollar."

"What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?"/"It’s all in the grip."

"What is the difference between a vegan and a software engineer?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between an engineer and a school teacher?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between noon and high noon?"/"One is at 4:20."

"What is the difference between noon and high noon?"/"Weed."

"What is the Easter bunny's favorite sport?"/"Basket-ball."

"What is the favorite appetizer of Scottish people?"/"Gaelic bread."

"What is the favorite soda of people preparing for the apocalypse?"/"Dr. Prepper."

"What is the first derivative of a cow?"/"Prime rib."

"What is the healthiest kind of water?"/"Well water."

"What is the holiest chord?"/"G sus."

"What is the kind of all office supplies?"/"The ruler."

"What is the king of the classroom?"/"The ruler."

"What is the leader of popcorn called?"/"The kernel."

"What is the least spoken language in the world?"/"Sign language."

"What is the left side of an apple?"/"The part that you don't eat."

"What is the loudest sport?"/"Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet."

"What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?"/"College."

"What is the most mythical vegetable?"/"A unicorn."

"What is the most well behaved drink?"/"Tea because the others are not tea."

"What is the only 4-letter word sport that starts with a 'T'?"/"Golf."

"What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?"/"Megahard Onfire."

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"

"What is the preferred sandwich of the working class?"/"A plebian-J."

"What is the quietest sport?"/"Bowling, because you can hear a pin drop."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Bleu cheese."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Blue cheese."

"What is the saddest cheese?"/"Prov-alone."

"What's the saddest hole in a building?"/"A weep hole."

"What is the volume of an object with depth a and radius z?"/"Pi z z a."

"What is three-sevenths of a chicken, two-thirds of a cat and one-half of a goat?"/"Chicago."

"What is Tinker Bell's Mexican sister's name?"/"Taco Bell."

"What is Uncle Sam's favorite snack?"/"Fire crackers."

"What is whiskey?"/"Wussian woulette."

"What is whisky?"/"Wussian woulette."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What is worth less than fifty-five cents?"/"The same fifty-five cents tomorrow."

"What it do"

"What job did the frog have at the hotel?"/"Bell hop."

"What keeps Gouda up at night?"/"The Muenster under the bed."

"What key has legs and can't open doors?"/"A turkey."

"What kills coronavirus?"/"Ammonia cleaner."/"Sorry, I thought you worked here."

"What kind of advice do you give to an architect?"/"Constructive criticism."

"What kind of ant is good at math?"/"An accountant."

"What kind of ants are very learned?"/"Pedants."

"What kind of apple has a short temper?"/"A crab apple."

"What kind of bagel can fly?"/"A plain bagel."

"What kind of ball doesn't bounce?"/"A snowball."

"What kind of band plays snappy music?"/"A rubber band."

"What kind of bar do fish go to?"/"A sand bar."

"What kind of bats swing upside down?"/"Acro-bats."

"What kind of beans don't grow in a garden?"/"Jelly beans."

"What kind of bee gives milk?"/"A boobie."

"What kind of bee hovers over a bowl of alphabet soup?"/"A spelling bee."

"What kind of bow can't be tied?"/"A rainbow."

"What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?"/"Shortbread."

"What kind of breakfast is served at a diner that's built on a faultline?"/"Panquakes."

"What kind of bunny can't hop?"/"A chocolate one."

"What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?"/"A stomach cake."

"What kind of candy do zombies refuse to eat?"/"Life Savers."

"What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?"/"Pave-mint."

"What kind of car does an egg drive?"/"A Yolkswagon."

"What kind of car will a bitcoiner never drive?"/"A Fiat."

"What kind of cells get drafted for war?"/"Diploid."

"What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse?"/"Mascarpone."

"What kind of cheese has been interrogated?"/"Grilled cheese."

"What kind of clothes do zombies wear?"/"Decay NY."

"What kind of coffee do cops drink?"/"Coppicino."

"What kind of coffee does a vampire drink?"/"De-coffinated."

"What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?"/"Sanka."

"What kind of company is a 24-hour hamburger joint?"/"Fry-by-night."

"What kind of COVID vaccine did the ghost get?"/"A boo-ster!"

"What kind of cup can't hold water?"/"A cupcake."

"What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?"/"A URLologist."

"What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper?"/"He's a fizzician."

"What kind of dogs like car racing?"/"Lap dogs."

"What kind of dogs love car racing?"/"Lap dogs."

"What kind of dress pants does coffee wear?"/"Cappuchinos."

"What kind of driver never gets a ticket?"/"A screwdriver."

"What kind of exercises are best for a swimmer?"/"Pool-ups."

"What kind of fire leaves a room damp?"/"A humidifire."

"What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?"/"A jellyfish."

"What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?"/"2 Na."

"What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?"/"Cauliflowers."

"What kind of food does your toe eat?"/"Dori-toes."

"What kind of greens do chickens eat?"/"Bok bok bok choy."

"What kind of gun doesn't kill animals?"/"A vegun."

"What kind of headaches do wheat farmers get?"/"My grains."

"What kind of key do you have to cook before using?"/"A latke."

"What kind of key opens a banana?"/"A monkey."

"What kind of key opens a haunted house?"/"A spoo-key."

"What kind of keys do kids carry?"/"Cookies."

"What kind of lights did Noah have in the ark?"/"Arc lights."

"What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?"/"Floodlights."

"What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use?"/"Olay!"

"What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?"/"Soycery."

"What kind of milk do they use to make Swiss cheese?"/"Hole milk."

"What kind of moisturizer does a bullfighter use?"/"Olay!"

"What kind of money do fishermen make?"/"Net profits."

"What kind of money do they use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of mushroom loves to gossip?"/"A shit-talkey."

"What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?"/"Plymouth rock."

"What kind of music do balloons dislike?"/"Pop music."

"What kind of music do lawn care specialists listen to?"/"Motown."

"What kind of music do planets sing?"/"Neptunes."

"What kind of music do surfers listen to?"/"New wave."

"What kind of music do wind turbines like?"/"They're big metal fans."

"What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?"/"Shamrock 'n' roll."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R & Brie."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R&Brie."

"What kind of music frightens balloons?"/"Pop music."

"What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?"/"The cast-a-net."

"What kind of music are scissors afraid of?"/"Rock music."

"What kind of noise does a train make?"/"A low commotion."

"What kind of nut is drunk?"/"A pissed-achio."

"What kind of paper likes music?"/"Wrapping paper."

"What kind of pasta do they eat in Antarctica?"/"Penguine."

"What kind of pasta is made from horses?"/"Spaghetti bowl o' neighs."

"What kind of pepper can talk?"/"Hablanero."

"What kind of person doesn't like pizza? A weirdough"

"What kind of person eats aluminum?"/"A can-nibble."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of pig plays basketball?"/"A ball hog."

"What kind of pizza do pilots like?"/"Plain."

"What kind of robbery is not dangerous?"/"A safe robbery."

"What kind of rolling papers do you need to smoke brisket?"

"What kind of running means walking?"/"Running out of gas."

"What kind of school do surfers go to?"/"Boarding school."

"What kind of school does a carpenter go to?"/"Boarding school."

"What kind of shoes do artists wear?"/"Skechers."

"What kind of shoes do artists wear?"/"Sketchers."

"What kind of shoes do bakers wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shoes do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok."

"What kind of shoes do linguists wear?"/"Converse."

"What kind of shoes does a plumber wear?"/"Clogs."

"What kind of shoes does bread wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shorts do clouds wear?"/"Thunderwear."

"What kind of sugar does Darth Vader prefer in his coffee?"/"Imperial Sugar."

"What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?"/"Royal-tea."

"What kind of tea is hard to swallow?"/"Reality."

"What kind of tree has no money?"/"Burr oak."

"What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?"/"A wide scream TV."

"What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?"/"Fruit of the moon."

"What kind of vegetable has the worst manners?"/"A rudeabaga."

"What kind of vegetable is jealous?"/"A green bean."

"What kind of vegetable might you find in your basement?"/"Cellary."

"What kind of vegetable never bowls a strike?"/"Asparagus."

"What kind of vegetables did they eat in the 18th century?"/"Baroque-oli."

"What kind of vitamin do you get from Canadian maple syrup?"/"Vitamin Eh?"

"What kind of water do you put into a waterbed?"/"Spring water."

"What kind of water do cats like to drink?"/"Purr-ified water."

"What kind of weather do cupcakes like?"/"Sprinkles."

"What kind of wine do horses drink?"/"Caberneigh."

"What kind of woman do you take me for?”/“We’ve already established that" (Churchill?)

"What kind of work does a weak cat do?"/"Light mouse work."

"What kind of truck is never lonely?"/"A pick-up truck."

"What language do police officers speak?"/"Coptic."

"What language do the Vatican police speak?"/"Pig Latin."

"What language does a billboard speak?"/"Sign language."

"What language does Santa Claus speak?"/"North Polish."

"What language is most commonly used in programming?"/"Profanity."

"What languages do pigs speak?"/"Porktuguese."

"What lights up a football stadium?"/"A football match."

"What line of work should you recommend to an alcoholic, scruffy bum with an attitude?" (joke)

"What looks like half of an apple?"/"The other half."

"What lottery did the broom win?"/"The sweepstakes."

"What major city is the most feminist?"/"Manhatin'."

"What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?"/"A power failure."

"What makes mandatory vaccinations not tyranny?"/"Magical fairy dust."

"What makes music on your head?"/"A head band."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Imagination."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Magic."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Magical fairy dust."

"What makes taxation not theft?"/"Roads."

"What makes the difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference..."

"What may be done at any time will be done at no time"

"What music do planets listen to?"/"Neptunes."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What nationality is Santa Claus?"/"North Polish."

"What New Yorkers Line Up For" (Soup Man)

"What New Yorkers Watch" & "As New York As It Gets" (WNYW, Fox 5)

"What news on the Rialto?" (Rialto theatre district)

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Daily Moos."

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Moo York Times."

"What, no spinach?"

"What number is a sport?"/"Ten is."

"What nut has no shell?"/"A dough-nut."

"What Orwell failed to predict was that we'd buy the cameras ourselves, and our biggest fear..."

"What Our Recovery Knows" ("work" backronym)

"What pan is the best to make sushi in?"/"Japan."

"What part of 'I don’t want to spend anymore money' don’t I understand?"

"What part of libertarianism bothers you?" (meme)

"What part of the chicken is the nugget/croquette/popcorn?"

"What pasta sauce is really good at knocking down pins?"/"Bowlin’ ace."

"What prize did the meteorologist win for coming in last?"/"A precipitation trophy."

"What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?"/"Her/she."

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Beer"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Bourbon"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Gin"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Scotch"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Whiskey"

"What rhymes with Father's Day? Wine"

"What rhymes with orange?"/"No, it doesn't."

"What rock group has four members who can't sing or play instruments?"/"Mount Rushmore."

"What room can you not enter?"/"A mushroom."

"What room do ghosts avoid?"/"The living room."

"What room do ghosts not go in?"/"The living room."

"What room do ghosts stay out of?"/"The living room."

"What runs around a baseball field, but never moves?"/"A fence."

"What scares me most is not the fact that our media is lying to us..."

"What scares me most is not the fact that the media is lying to us..."

"What school do you have to drop out to graduate from?"/"Parachute school."

"What school do you have to drop out of in order to graduate?"/"Skydiving school."

"What school supply is always tired?"/"A knapsack."

"What screams 'I'm insecure'?"/"HTTP."

"What seafood got its great body with a strict sauna regimen?"/"Steamed mussels."

"What season is it when you are on a trampoline?"/"Spring time."

"What season is it when you're on a trampoline?"/"Springtime."

"What seems to be the officer, problem?" ("What's the officer problem?")

"What should we do with people who rely on government handouts but are too lazy to work?" (joke)

"What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?" (joke)

"What should you do if the lights in a Chinese restaurant are too bright?"/"Dim sum."

"What should you say when the Statue of Liberty sneezes?"/"God bless America."

"What should you use to fix your mask if it breaks?"/"Masking tape."

"What smells best at Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Your nose."

"What snacks do cannibals love?"/"Fritos."

"What do turkeys have to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?"/"Vegans."

"What song do burgers sing on the job?"/"Gristle While You Work!"

"What sort of vegetable can your father make with scissors?"/"Pa snips."

"What sound does a turkey's cell phone make?"/"WING WING!!"

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What sport did Jesus play?"/"Lacrosse."

"What stars go to jail?"/"Shooting stars."

"What Starts Here Changes the World" (University of Texas)

"What starts with an 'O', ends in 'nions' and sometimes makes you cry?"/"Opinions."

"What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?" (food riddle)

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"/"Rue Dolph."

"What streets do ghosts haunt?"/"Dead ends."

"What superhero do you want on your baseball team?"/"Batman."

"What surfs the internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'?"/"Thomas the Search Engine."

"What tastes better than it smells?"/"Your tongue."

"What tea do footballers drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What tea do hockey players drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What Texas Makes, Makes Texas"

What the community boards do (and do they really represent the community?)

"What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?"/"You cry when you cut up an onion."

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and a hooker with diarrhea?" (joke)

"What the French toast?"

What the Manhattan borough president does

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to"

"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians"

"What time do ducks wake up?"/"At the quack of dawn."

"What time is it?"/"Do you mean right now?" (Yogi Berra)

"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"/"Time to build a new fence."

"What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?"/"Pasture bedtime."

"What time is it when you see cows sleeping in a field?"/"Pasture bedtime."

"What time is it when you sit on a pin?"/"Spring time."

"What time is it when you sit on a tack?"/"Spring time."

"What travels around the world but stays in one corner?" (riddle)

"What turns a fruit into a vegetable?"/"AIDS."

"What type of berry makes you smarter?"/"A liberry."

"What type of cheese is made backwards?"/"Edam."

"What type of dairy product is into BDSM?"/"Whipped cream."

"What type of drink makes you lose weight?"/"Lighter fluid."

"What type of magazines do cows read?"/"Cattlelogs."

"What type of music are balloons afraid of?"/"Pop music."

"What type of music do balloons hate?"/"Pop music."

"What type of music scares balloons?"/"Pop music."

"What type of pasta do penguins eat?"/"Penguine."

"What type of people never get angry?"/"The nomads."

"What type of pepper is so hot it makes you scream?"/"A holler-peño."

"What type of person doesn't like pizza? A weirdough"

"What type of sense of humor does rain have?"/"A very wet sense of humor."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What type of sneakers do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok."

"What type of tomato smells best?"/"A Roma."

"What type of trainers do chickens wear?"/"Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok."

"What type of wine goes well with back to school?"

"What type of wine goes well with back to school?"

"What type of wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"What vaccine did Doctor Strange take?"/"Astral-Zeneca."

"What vaccine do hippies get?"/"Astral Zeneca."

"What vaccine do occultists use?"/"AstralZeneca."

"What vegetable makes birds fart?"/"A sparrow gas."

"What vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Beets me."

"What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?"/"Ba-na-na-na."

"What was Icarus’ least favorite food?"/"Hot wings."

"What was invented before mayonnaise?"/"Aprilonnaise."

"What was Jesus' favorite sport?"/"Lacrosse."

"What was Jesus' least favorite sport?"/"Lacrosse."

"What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?"/"A double Manhattan."

"What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?"/"A tangent."

"What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?"

"What was the unknown baker's name?"/"John Dough."

"What we resist, persists"

"What we stand for is what we stand on" (environmental activism)

"What we teach children to love and desire outweighs what we make them learn"

"What were restaurants called during the Jurassic?"/"Diner-saurs."

"What were the Aggie's last words?" / "Hey y'all, watch this!"(joke)

"What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for"

"What will you actually find at the end of every rainbow?"/"The letter W."

"What wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"What wobbles and flies?"/"A jellycopter."

"What wobbles when it flies?"/"A jelly-copter."

"What would be a Cornish pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrg."

"What would be sold at an inconvenience store?"/"Incontinental breakfast."

"What would Economics be without assumptions?"/"Accounting."

"What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up"

"What Would Jesus Brew?" (WWJB)

"What Would Jesus Do?" (WWJD); "What Would Reagan Do?" (WWRD)

"What Would Julia Do?" (WWJD)

"What would two termites order at a restaurant?"/"Table for 2."

"What would we do without garlic and onions"

"What would we do without onions and garlic"

"What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?"/"Chick magnate."

"What would you find in Charles Dickens' kitchen?"/"The best of thymes, the worst of thymes."

"What would you find on a haunted beach?"/"A sand witch."

"What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?"/"St. O'Claus."

"What yoga really is: spending an entire hour trying not to fart"

"What you allow is what will continue"

"What you appreciate appreciates"

"What you eat in private you wear in public"

"What you eat today walks and talks tomorrow"

"What You See Is What You Get" (WYSIWYG)

Whataboutism

Whatchamacallit (what you may call it)

"Whatever bakes your cake"

"Whatever butters your biscuit"

"Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else"

"Whatever melts your butter"

"Whatever sprinkles your donut"

"'Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches.' – a NYC tenant'"

"Whatever tickles your pickle"

"Whatever trips your trigger"

"Whatever you allow the government to do to others it will eventually do to you"

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood"

"'What'll it be, Hun?' -- Southern waitress serving Attila"

"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?"/"A lawyer's tie."

"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?"/"My boss's tie."

"What's a cannibal's favorite cookie?"/"Ladyfingers."

"What's a cannibal's favorite meal?"/"Kate and Sidney pie."

"What's a cat's favorite button on the TV remote control?"/"Pause."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Catsup"

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Mayo."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Moustard."

"What's a cat's favorite condiment?"/"Whiskershire sauce."

"What’s a cat's favorite soda?"/"Meowtain Dew."

"What is a chef's favorite soft drink?"/"Baking soda."

"What's a chef's weapon of choice?"/"A salt rifle."

"What's a chicken's favorite game in the pool?"/"Marco Pollo."

"What's a chicken's favorite vegetable?"/"Bok bok bok choy."

"What's a comedian's least favorite drink?"/"Booze."

"What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time?"/"Hours."

"What’s a cowboy’s favorite holiday?"/"Y’alloween." (y'all + Halloween)

"What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?"/"Beef-flat."

"What's a cow's favorite musical note?"/"Beef-flat."

"What's a cow's favorite TV show?"/"Graze Anatomy."

"What's a dog's favorite Greek sweet pastry?"/"Barklava."

"What's a drummer's favorite vegetable?"/"Beats."

"What’s a drummer's favorite vegetable?"/"Beets."

"What's a farmer's favorite raisin?"/"A barn raisin."

"What's a fresh vegetable?"/"One that insults a farmer."

"What's a ghost's favorite fruit?"/"Boo-berry."

"What's a Grecian urn?" (joke)

"What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?"/"Penguine."

"What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?"/"Penguini."

"What's a kinky Italian's favorite dish?"/"Fetish-ini Alfredo."

"What's a KKK member's favorite donut?"/"White powder."

"What's a lawyer's favorite cocktail?"/"Subpoena Colada!"

"What's a lawyer's ideal weight?"/"About three pounds, including the urn."

"What's a light-year?"/"One-third less calories than a regular year."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What’s a Mennonite’s favorite kind of raisin?"/"Barn raisin’."

"What's a Met Gala?"/"A type of apple found in New York. Also why it's called the Big Apple."

"What's a Meta?"/"Nothing. What's a Meta with you?"

"What's a Meta for?"

"What's a Meta you? Gotta no respect! Wadda you think you do? Ahh shuddup you Facebook!"

"What's a monster's favorite bean?"/"A human bean."

"What’s a mythical gourd with an attitude?"/"A sass-squash."

"What's a paradox?"/"Two places to park your boat."

"What's a penguin's favorite type of pasta?"/"Penguini."

"What's a pig's favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What's a pig's least favorite musical?"/"Hamilton."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Cheddarrrr."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Havarrrrrti."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrrrrrlsberg."

"What's a pirate's favorite element?"/"ARRRRRRRRRgon."

"What's a pirate's favorite element?"/"The element of surprise."

"What's a pirate's favorite food?"/"Arrrrrtichokes."

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?"/"Ships Ahoy!"

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?"/"Arrrrgyle."

"What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?"/"Arrrby's."

"What's a pirate's favorite school subject?"/"Arrrrrrrrrrt."

"What's a pirate's least favorite letter?" (computer piracy joke)

"What's a pizza's favorite relative?"/"Aunt Chovie."

"What's a pizza's favorite relative?"/"Aunt Chovy."

"What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U."

"What’s a police officer’s favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U."

"What's a porcupine's favorite kind of sandwich?"/"Quilled cheese."

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a seal's favorite subject?"/"Art art art!"

"What's a shy and retiring accountant?" (joke)

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalami."

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalomi."

"What's a skunk's favorite game in school?"/"Show and smell."

"What's a suicide bomber's worst fear?"/"Dying alone."

"What's a survivalist's favorite drink?"/"Dr Prepper."

"What's a survivalist's favorite soda?"/"Dr Prepper."

"What's a teddy bear's favorite pasta?"/"Tagliateddy."

"What's a thousand times better than Instagram?"/"Instakilogram."

"What's a three-season bed?"/"One without a spring."

"What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?"/"Flamin' yawn."

"What's a tuba for?" (joke)

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A blood orange."

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A necktarine."

"What's a vampire's favorite ice cream?"/"Veinilla."

"What's a vampire's least favorite newspaper(s)?"/"The Sun and The Mirror."

"What's a volcano's favorite dessert?"/"BakLava."

"What's a web designer's favorite tea?"/"URL Grey."

"What's a web developer's favorite tea?"/"URL Grey."

"What's a werewolf's favorite sauce?"/"Béchamel, because it starts with a rouuuuuuuux."

"What's a wok?"/"Something you fwow at a wabbit."

"What's a zombie's favorite weather?"/"Brainstorms."

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game?"/"The bottom of the fifth."

"What's an Amish person's favorite kind of raisin?"/"A barn raisin."

"What's an anagram of "thaws'"

"What’s an ideal name for a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?"/"Pho-geddaboudit."

"What's an Irish windbreaker?"/"Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage."

"What's an ISIS terrorist's favorite wine?"/"A Zinfidel."

"What's better than eating a mandarin?"/"Eating Amanda out."

"What's better than enchiladas?"/"n+1 chiladas."

"What's better than roses on your piano?"/"Tulips on your organ."

"What's Bigfoot's favorite Thanksgiving side?"/"Sas-squash."

"What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's black and doesn't work?"/"Decaf coffee, you racist."

"What's black and white and never right?"/"A hockey referee."

"What's black and white and read all over?" (newspaper riddle)

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"A blushing zebra."

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"A sunburned zebra."

"What's black and white and red all over?"/"An embarrassed zebra."

"What's blue and looks like a tomato?"/"A red tomato in disguise."

"What's classy if you're rich, but trashy if you're poor?"/"Getting money from the government."

"What’s considered trashy if you’re poor, but classy if you’re rich?"/"Getting govt. money."

"What's cookin'?" (What's cooking?")

"What's Darth Vader's favorite Canadian dish?"/"Palpoutine."

"What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?"/"Women."

"What’s every road worker’s favorite candy?"/"A pavemint."

"What's 'excuse me'?" (New Yorker joke)

"What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?"/"A melon collie."

"What's in the well comes up in the bucket" (proverb)

"What's Irish and sits in the back yard?"/"Paddy O'Furniture."

"What's it called when the people doing the fact checking are controlled by the same people lying?"

"What's it called when you run 26.2 miles in underwear?"/"A marathong."

"What's larger than a pico de gallo?"/"A kilo de gallo."

"What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?"/"Rhubarb."

"What's next, is vinegar going to be renamed vi?"

"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?"/"A carrot."

"What's Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?"/"The New York Jets."

"What's red and green and wears boxing gloves?"/"A fruit punch."

"What’s really selfish is expecting other individuals to surrender their liberties..."

"What's red and invisible?"/"No tomatoes."

"What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?"/"A sad candy cane."

"What's red, white, black and blue?"/"Uncle Sam falling down the stairs."

"What's Santa Claus's favorite drink?"/"White Claws."

"What's Santa's favorite alcoholic drink?"/"White Claus."

"What's Santa's favorite sandwich?"/"Peanut butter and jolly."

"What's Santa's favorite snack food?"/"Crisp Pringles."

"What is sexier than salad dressing?"/"Salad undressing."

"What's shakin' bacon?"

"What's something a drug dealer would never ask?"/"'Is Pepsi okay?'"

"What's Stalin's favorite coffee?"/"Represso."

"What’s the best cheese to lure a bear out of a cave?"/"Camembert."

"What's the best day to eat bacon?"/"Fry-day."

"What’s the best day to fly a kite?"/"Windsday."

"What’s the best field event in athletics? Discus"

"What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?"/"Emo grass because it cuts itself."

"What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?"/"Japan."

"What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?"/"The ATM."

"What's the best month to make coffee?"/"Fe-brew-ary."

"What's the best Olympic sport?"/"Diving, hands down."

"What's the best pancake topping?"/"More pancakes."

"What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts?"/"Hole Foods."

"What's the best present for a musician?"/"A broken drum. You can't beat it."

"What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?" (joke)

"What's the best part about dating a Mets fan?"/"You know she's not looking for a ring."

"What's the best thing for a hangover?"/"Drink loads the night before."

"What's the best thing to eat with jacket potatoes?"/"Button mushrooms."

"What's the best thing to put into a cake or pie?"/"Your teeth."

"What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies"

"What's the best way to catch a fish?"/"Have someone throw it to you."

"What’s the best way to cook alligator?"/"In a crockpot."

"What's the best way to eat a hot dog?"/"With relish."

"What’s the best way to get walnuts and Brazil nuts to laugh?"/"Crack them up."

"What's the best way to serve a stack of puncakes?"/"Syruptitiously."

"What's the best way to stuff a turkey?"/"Take him out for pizza and ice cream!"

"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?"/"Live stream."

"What's the biggest lie on the internet?"/"I have read and agree to the terms of use."

"What's the cheapest way to buy a boat?"/"Hull sale."

"What’s the coldest kind of cheese?"/"Brrrrrrata. "

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Arctichoke."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Brrroccoli."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Chili pepper."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Chilly pepper."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Cucumbrrr."

"What's the coldest vegetable?"/"Iceberg lettuce."

"What's the Constitution among friends?"

"What's the coolest vegetable?"/"A rad-ish."

"What's the damage?" (cost of the meal)

"What's the deal with airline food?"

"What's the deal with airplane food?"

"What's the definition of endless love?"/"Two blind people playing tennis."

"What's the derivative of Amazon?"/"Amazon Prime."

"What's the devil's favorite spice?"/"SINnamon."

"What's the difference between a politician and an onion?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?"/"You can't milk a cow for X years."

"What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th"

"What's the difference between a bad dog and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a barber and a stylist?"/"$50."

"What's the difference between a bartender and a mixologist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?"/"Porcupines have pricks on the outside."

"What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader?"/"The bond matures."

"What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a cactus and a caucus?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a camera and a sock?"/"One takes photos, the other takes 5 toes."

"What's the difference between a candle and a curry?"/"A candle only burns at one end."

"What’s the difference between a college freshman and a high school senior?"/"Three months."

"What's the difference between a college student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"About 6-12 months."

"What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"Five years."

"What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?"/"Time."

"What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a cow and the Holocaust?"

"What's the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a DJ and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a dog and a fox?"/"About five drinks."

"What's the difference between a drug cartel and the government?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fig and a date?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fund manager and a shopping trolley?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a genie and a genius?"' (joke)

"What's the difference between a golf ball and an electric car?"/"A ball can be driven 300 yards."

"What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing"

"What's the difference between a gun and a whiny liberal?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a high school reunion and a hockey game? (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a high school reunion?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?"/"About three decibels."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"/"One sells watches, one watches cells."

"What's the difference between a king and a bartender?"/"One reigns and the other pours."

"What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?"/"The lawyer charges more."

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a liberal and a gun?"/"A gun has only one trigger."

"What's the difference between a man and a margarita?"/"A margarita hits the spot every time."

"What's the difference between a medical student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What's the difference between a minarchist and an anarchist? Six months"

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?"/"About $50,000 a year."

"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a pizza and an emo pizza?"/"An emo pizza slices itself."

"What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?"/"My pizza jokes can’t be topped!"

"What's the difference between a platypus and a head of lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a plumber and a politician?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?"/"The letter F."

"What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle & well-dressed man on a bicycle?

"What's the difference between a puppy and a folk singer?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a rabid dog and a hot dog?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a rouble and a dollar?"/"A dollar."

"What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar?"/"A dollar."

"What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?"/"Seasoning."

"What's the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between a vaccine passport and a yellow star?"/"82 years."

"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a violist and a dog?"/"The dog knows when to stop scratching."

"What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a writer and a park bench?"/"A park bench can support a family."

"What's the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an actress and a hooker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an Afghani military base and a Pakistani elementary school?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between an American and a computer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?"/"The apple gets picked."

"What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown noser?"/"Depth perception."

"What's the difference between an English major and a park bench?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?"/"One less drunk."

"What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?" (joke)

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?" (joke)

"What's the difference between being hungry and horny?"/"Where you put the cucumber."

"What's the difference between being tired and exhausted?"

"What's the difference between bigfoot and lettuce?"/"One is a funny beast..."

"What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?"/"Kids won't eat broccoli."

"What's the difference between communism & a pencil?"/"The pencil works on things other than paper."

"What's the difference between Coors beer and a clitoris?" (NFSW riddle)

"What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?"/"Coronavirus & Verona Crisis."

"What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between EA and North Korea?" (gaming joke)

"What's the difference between England and a tea bag? (soccer joke)

"What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between God and a federal court judge?" (joke)

"What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?" (riddle)

"What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care"

"What’s the difference between jam and jelly?"/"There is no such thing as traffic jelly."

"What's the difference between jam and jelly?"/"You can’t get stuck in a traffic jelly."

"What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?" (joke)

"What's the difference between male spaghetti and female spaghetti?"/"Meatballs."

"What's the difference between men and pigs?"/"Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

"What's the difference between Middle Earth and New York City?"/"Two towers."

"What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?" (joke)

"What's the difference between new age and pagan?" (joke)

"What's the difference between one yard and two yards?"/"A fence."

"What's the difference between p-- and parsley?"/"Nobody eats parsley."

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?" (joke)

"What's the difference between rotten lettuce and a depressing song?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?"/"Snowballs."

"What's the difference between socialism and democratic socialism?" (meme)

"What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?"/"Seasoning."

"What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between the circus and the Rockettes?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and the alphabet?"/"The alphabet has a W."

"What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?"/"The Pope only makes you kiss his ring."

"What's the difference between the Titanic and Al Qaeda?"/"Al Qaeda made it to New York."

"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?" (joke)

"What's the difference between USA and USB?" (joke)

"What's the difference between vaccine papers and a yellow star?"/"82 years."

"What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?" (NSFW joke)

"What's the difference between you and a calendar?"/"A calendar has a date on Valentine's Day."

"What’s the Earth’s favorite fizzy drink?"/"Tectonic water."

"What’s the easiest shot in golf?"/"Your fourth putt."

"What’s the exchange rate between pounds, rubles, dollars?"/"A pound of rubles equals a dollar."

"What's the fanciest kind of cheese?"/"Guccis."

"What's the fastest fast food?"/"Lamb-burger-inis."

"What's the fastest vegetable?"/"A runner bean."

"What's the fastest way to the hospital?"/"Just say something bad about Texas!" (joke)

"What's the fastest way to transfer money?"/"Get married."

"What's the funniest bunch of fruit?"/"A pun-net of strawberries."

"What's the greatest cheese of all time?"/"GOAT cheese."

"What's the hardest part about skateboarding?"/"Telling your parents you're gay."

"What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?"/"Skinning the vegan."

"What's the hardest thing about skydiving?"/"The ground."

"What's the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?"/"Life insurance."

"What's the heaviest soup in the world?"/"Wonton soup."

"What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?"/"The turkey."

"What's the kindest vegetable?"/"A sweet potato."

"What's the most popular spice in hell?"/"Sinnamon."

"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?" (riddle)

"What's the last thing the drummer said before getting kicked out of the band?" (joke)

"What's the least diverse profession in the country?"/"Chief diversity officer."

"What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?"/"The multiplication table."

"What's the loudest pet?"/"A trumpet."

"What's the main difference between a duck and George Washington?" (riddle)

"What's the main religion of most ghosts?"/"Boo dism."

"What's the mortician's favorite workout?"/"Deadlift."

"What's the most dishonest berry?"/"A LIEberry."

"What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?"/"University."

"What's the most heartbreaking herb?"/"Bae leaves."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What is the most pirated Apple product?"/"iPatch."

"What's the most popular Christmas wine?"/"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

"What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?"/"One more."

"What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's Day?" (joke)

"What's the only thing a vegan kills?"/"A conversation."

"What's the opposite of a cool cat?"/"A hot dog."

"What's the opposite of a croissant?"/"A happy uncle."

"What's the opposite of a fish out of water?"/"A fish in sea."

"What's the opposite of a hot dog?"/"A chili dog."

"What's the opposite of a hot dog?"/"A cool cat."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of above knee?"/"Baloney."

"What's the opposite of bologna?"/"Above knee."

"What's the opposite of donut?"/"Donotnut!"

"What's the opposite of drunken noodles?"/"Soba noodles."

"What’s the opposite of formaldehyde?"/ "Casualdejekyll."

"What's the opposite of ground beef?"/"High steaks."

"What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?"/"Herastandin pepper."

"What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"I so early."

"What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"You so early."

"What's the opposite of ladyfingers?"/"Mentos."

"What's the opposite of soba noodles?"/"Drunken noodles."

"What's the opposite of syrup?"/"Madamdown."

"What's the past tense of Swiss cheese?"/"Swass Cheese."

"What's the point of being afraid of the zombie apocalypse when you're already a zombie?"

"What's the presidential ventilator called?"/"Forced Air One."

"What's the quickest way into town?" (joke)

"What's the range of a tuba?" (joke)

"What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?" (riddle)

"What's the result of tossing a live grenade into a French kitchen?" (joke)

"What's the saddest herb?"/"Bae leaves."

"What's the scariest dessert?"/"Terrormisu."

"What's the scoop?"

"What's the shittiest day of the week?"/"SaTURDay."

"What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?" (joke)

"What's the sleepiest thing at the Thanksgiving table?"/"Nap-kins."

"What's the slowest soup a chef can prepare?"/"Turtle soup."

"What's the story, Jerry?" (JGE); "Forget about it!" (Tops Appliance City)

"What's the strongest vegetable?"/"A muscle sprout."

"What's the tallest building?" or "What building has the most stories?" (joke)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money"

"What's the wage gap between all 58 genders?"

"What's the wage gap between all 99 genders?!"

"What's the worst name for a history lesson?"/"A crash course on 9/11."

"What's the worst thing about ancient history class?"/"The teachers tend to Babylon."

"What's the worst thing to find in stockings at Christmas?"/"Your dad."

"What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?"/"A leek."

"What's up, cake?"/"Muffin much."

"What's up, sir?"/"The opposite of syrup?"

"What's water squared?"/"Ice cube."

"What's way more dangerous than the coronavirus? The belief that government cares about you"

"What's white and annoying at breakfast?"/"An avalanche."

"What's white and goes up?"/"A confused snowflake."

"What's worse than 9/11?"/"311."

"What's worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip, on a rescue mission, ..."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm!"

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"/"The Holocaust."

"What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than spiders on your piano?"/"Crabs on your organ."

"What's yellow and square?"/"A tomato in disguise."

"What's yellow and white and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?"/"A lemming meringue."

"What's your biggest weakness?"/"I don't know when to quit." (job interview joke)

"What's your favorite musical instrument?"/"The lunch bell."

"What's your greatest weakness?" (job interview joke)

"Wheat Thins implies the existence of Wheat Thiccs"

"Wheat Thins implies the existence of Wheat Thicks"

"Wheat Thins imply the existence of Wheat Thiccs"

"Wheat Thins imply the existence of Wheat Thicks"

Wheatheart of the Nation (Perryton slogan)

"Wheel, wheel, wheel, if it isn't the tricycle"

Wheeler's Which Close ("Don't ask if -- ask which" sales technique)

"When a bicycle thief goes to jail, it is because he was peddling stolen goods"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their congressmen?"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their politicians?"

"When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?"

"When a butcher sings in the bathtub it's probably beef-flat"

"When a cannibal under cooks a psychic: medium rare"

"When a clock battery dies, the clock records the time of its death"

"When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn't become a king. The palace becomes a circus"

"When a computer overheats, it freezes"

"When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps..."

"When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window"

"When a drummer comes out of retirement, there are repercussions"

"When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money"

"When a girl at the gym tightens her ponytail, you know shit is about to go down"

"When a girl is playing a sport and she tightens her ponytail, you know shit's about to go down"

"When a girl is working out and she tightens her ponytail, you know it's about to go down"

"When a habit begins to cost money, it is called a hobby"

"When a Man Does the BBQ" (joke)

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, either the car is new or the wife is"

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband and half the salary"

"When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: He hasn't any"

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"

"When a man with money meets a man with experience..."

"When a politician does get an idea he usually gets it wrong"

"When a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick"

"When a recipe tells you to separate two eggs, how far is acceptable?" (joke)

"When a southern person betrays you: betray'all"

"When a vegan goes missing do they put them on a soymilk carton?"

"When a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her"

"When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?

"When action meets compassion, lives change"

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. Friday night 2. All weekend 3. When it's sunny 4. Birthday..."

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. When it's sunny 2. When it's cloudy"

"When alcohol doesn't count: 1. When it's sunny 2. Your birthday 3. Friday nights 4. All weekend..."

"When all else fails… Pizza & Beer"

"When all else fails, read the instructions"

"When all else fails, vote from the rooftops"

"When all is said and done, more is said than done"

"When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye"

"When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground" (proverb)

"When any nation mistrusts its citizens with guns it is sending a clear message"

"When anyone says he's a country boy, you better put your hand on your wallet"

"When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour"

"When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween"

"When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion"

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?"

"When Christianity came to America, it became a business"

"When communists have sex, do they seize the means of reproduction?"

"When computers ask 'Are you a robot?' they might just be trying to find their family"

"When did innocent until proven guilty become sick until proven healthy?"

"When did my muffin top turn into a 5-layer cake?"

"When did the Japanese start eating omelettes?"/"A long tamago."

"When did you stop beating your wife?"/"When her chess game improved."

"When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need"

"When do burgers quit their jobs?"/"The day they decide to meat loaf."

"When do cannibals leave the table?"/"When everyone's eaten."

"When do clocks die?"/"When their time is up."

"'When do we eat stuff?' -My brain, all day"

"When do we get to cash in all this daylight we've been saving?"

"When do you go on red and stop on green?"/"When eating a watermelon."

"When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep?"/"When it is pasture bedtime."

"When do you serve tofu turkey?"/"Pranksgiving."

"When do zombies finish trick or treating?"/"When they are dead tired!"

"When do zombies go to sleep?"/"When they are dead tired."

"When does a ghost have breakfast?"/"In the moaning."

"When does a hunger strike stop?"/"When hunger strikes."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When the punchline becomes apparent."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it leaves you and never comes back."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it's fully groan."

"When does a lawyer make coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When does a sandwich cook?"/"When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato."

"When does an astronaut eat?"/"At launch time."

"When does it rain money?"/"Whenever there's some change in the weather."

"When does New Year's Day come before Christmas?"/"Every year!"

"When does the leprechaun cross the road?"/"When it’s green!"

"When doesn't a telephone work underwater?"/"When it's wringing wet."

"When Dracula shops online, he keeps clicking 'Your Account'"

"When E. F. Hutton talks, people listen" (E. F. Hutton)

"When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers"

"When emotions are too strong for words, sing. When emotions are too strong for song, dance"

"When enough people understand reality, tyrants can literally be ignored out of existence"

"When even shoeshine boys are giving you stock tips, it's time to sell" (Joseph P. Kennedy?)

"When every other land rejects us, this is the soil that freely takes us" ("Texas" folk etymology)

"When everybody gets to one side of the boat, it usually tips over"

"When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority"

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that an airplane takes off against wind"

"When exposing a crime is treated as committing a crime, you are being ruled by criminals"

"When God gave out brains, I thought He said trains, and I missed mine"

"When God gave out chins, I thought He said gins, so I said I'll have a double"

"When God gave out ears, I thought He said beers, so I took two big ones"

"When God gave out legs, I thought He said kegs, so I took two short fat ones"

"When Greek meets Greek, they open a restaurant"

"When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns"

"When has a man a right to scold his wife about his coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When hell freezes over, I'll play hockey there, too"

"When homeless people ask me for change, I tell them 'change comes from within'"

"When I accidentally bought the wrong type of bread, my day had gone a rye"

"When I applied for shift work, I didn't realize the 'F' was silent"

"When I asked a taxidermist what she did for a living, she replied with 'You know, stuff'"

"When I die, bury me in Chicago because I want to remain politically active"

"When I die, I want the Mets to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time"

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave" (joke)

"When I do good I feel good and when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion"

"When I dunk my cookies, I pretend they are you and hold them under till the bubbles stop"

"When I dunk my cookies, I think of you and hold them under until the bubbles stop"

"When I dunk my cookies in my milk, I think of you (and hold them under until the bubbles stop)"

"When I exercise, I wear all black -- it's like a funeral for my fat"

"When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog, like I'm a blackjack dealer"

"When I found out my microwave wasn't waterproof, I was shocked"

"When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked"

"When I get my tax money, I'm cooking my ramen noodles in Fiji water"

"When I get my taxes, I'm boiling my ramen noodles in Fiji water"

"When I get younger, I'm going to be a time traveller"

"When I grow up, I'd like to be a retired lottery winner"

"When I hear somebody sigh that 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'"

When I make a mistake, it's a beaut!

"When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party and now I'm homeless"

"When I order Amazon chicken pellets, I get an email a few days later asking for their feed back!"

"When I order pizza online and there’s a 'Notes' box, I put 'Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON'"

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"

"When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified"

"When I said 'nuke the Chinese,' I meant put the takeout in the microwave"

"When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed"

"When I say I go to the gym religiously, I mean every Christmas and Easter"

"When I say 'I'll figure it out' I mean I'll just adapt to whatever new level of hell is coming"

"When I see a bruised apple at the grocery store, I hold it close & whisper, 'Who did this to you?'"

"When I suck in my belly where does the fat go? And why can't science make it stay there?"

"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance"

"When I was a kid, my social network was called 'outside'"

"When I was a kid "the server is down" meant your waiter was depressed"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bastard"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. So people would walk miles to call me an asshole"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bitch"

"When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a cunt"

"When I was a single man, I had lots of free time. Then I started listening to whole albums"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was in school a policeman came in & did a talk on drugs. I didn't understand a word he said"

"When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook"

"When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines"

"When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest work, I'm no longer young"

"When I was your age, I had to walk through 10 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel"

"When I'm at Chipotle, l always wait until after the employee puts the first scoop of chicken on my burrito..."

"When I'm at the store and getting something, I grab the one behind it..."

"When I'm at work it's sunny and nice, after work, cold and raining"

"When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see..."

"When in charge, ponder; When in trouble, delegate; When in doubt, mumble"

"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout"

"When in doubt, add more wine"

"When in doubt, do right" ("When in doubt, do the right thing")

"When in doubt, drink coffee and look busy"

"When in doubt, drink more wine"

"When in doubt, get out" or "When in doubt, stay out" (Wall Street adage)

"When in doubt, make it stout" (mechanical engineering adage)

"When in doubt, pedal it out"

"When in doubt, throw it out" (food spoilage rule)

"When in doubt, trust your gut, hug your dog, and eat a donut"

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty" ('When injustice is law, rebellion is duty")

"When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?"/"When it's a FRENCH fry!"

"When is soup musical?"/"When it's piping hot."

"When is the best time for a dental appointment?"/"Tooth-hurty (2:30)."

"When is the best time to buy a boat?"/"When it's on sail."

"When is the employee Christmas party for self-check at Walmart?"

"When is the employee Christmas party for self-checkout at Walmart?"

"When it becomes serious, you have to lie"

"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing"

"When it comes to sneaking chocolate into the movies, I have a couple Twix up my sleeve"

"When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars"

"When it says on my potatoes ‘store in a cool, dark place,’ do you mean like a jazz club?"

"When it snows, you have two choices -- shovel or make snow angels"

"When it's night, look for the stars. When it's morning, look for the coffee"

"When it's over, leave. Don't continue watering a dead flower"

"When Jesus is born, I get presents. When Jesus dies, I get chocolate"

"When life gives you a broken taco, make tortilla chips"

"When life gives you broken taco shells, make nachos"

"When life gives you broken taco shells, make taco salad"

"When life gives you broken tacos, make nachos"

"When life gives you broken tacos, make taco salad"

"When life gives you gators, make Gatorade"

"When life gives you lemmings, make lemming meringue pie"

"When life gives you lemons, give them back and tell life you want coffee"

"When life gives you lemons, give them back and tell them you want coffee"

"When life gives you lemons. Life probably stole those lemons from some nice old lady"

"When life gives you lemons, make a whiskey sour. For God's sake, we're adults now, people"

"When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it"

"When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours"

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye"

"When life gives you Lenin, make Leninade"

"When life gives you Lenin, squeeze the means of production"

"When life gives you Lenins, make Leningrad"

"When life gives you Lenins, make vodka"

"When life gives you marmals, make marmalade"

"When life gives you melons, buy a bra"

"When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top"

"When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day"

"When life gives you onions, make onionade"

"When life gives you snow, make snow angels"

"When life gives you tacos, eat them"

"When life hands me lemons, I make chocolate cake and leave bitches wondering"

"When life hands you gators, make Gatorade"

"When life hands you lemons, kill them, crush them, drink their souls"

"When life hands you melons, wear a low-cut shirt and use them to get free lemonade"

"When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars"

"When life shuts a door, open it again. That's how doors work"

"When life throws you a taco, eat it"

"When making mac & cheese I didn't use a colander long enough; wife gave me a restraining order"

"When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws"

"When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough. But 2?r"

"When my father came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold..."

"When my friend mixed onions with nitrous oxide, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry"

"When my money low, I don't feel good. I think I'm a dollarbetic"

"When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport"

"When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers..." (NSFW joke)

"When Newton was quarantined due to the plague, he invented calculus"

"When nudists are nervous about giving a speech, do they imagine everyone with their clothes on?"

"When one door closes, another one opens. It's the fridge"

"When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that stays shut"

"When one door closes, the next one slams in your face"

"When people have nothing left to lose, they lose it"

"When people misspell 'barely' like 'barley,' they’re just going against the grain"

"When people rob banks, they go to jail; when banks rob people, they get bonuses"

"When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat, too?"

"When playing chess in Australia it’s ‘checkmate.' Everywhere else it’s ‘checkfriend'"

"When pleasure interferes with business, give up business" (business proverb)

"When poison expires, does it become more poisonous or less poisonous?"

"When police arrest a mentally unstable person, technically that qualifies as busting a nut"

"When presidents can't run for re-election, they run for the Nobel Peace Prize"

"When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other's sentences?"

"When probiotics expire, do they become conbiotics?"

"When profit is the motor of society, destruction is considered as progress"

"When school districts start firing assistant football coaches, that's a lean budget"

"When seconds count, the police are only minutes away"

"When seeing is believing, those who program what we see can influence what we believe"

"When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer"

"When should you go on a cheese diet?"/"When you need to cheddar a few pounds."

"When someone accuses you of wearing a tinfoil hat, tell them it’s better than wearing a blindfold

"When someone asks what my dream job is. Literally nothing. Who dreams to have a job..."

"When someone asks where is your Christmas spirit, point to the liquor cabinet"

"When someone close to you dies, move seats"

"When someone offers me decaf, I think, 'Why are you trying to give me your brown sadness-water?'"

"When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?"

"When someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football"

"When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land, I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"When the airplane door shuts & the seat next to you is open it feels like you just won the lottery"

"When the alcohol starts tasting like you don't have social anxiety anymore"

"When the axe came into the forest, the trees said: 'The handle is one of us'" (proverb)

"When the Berlin Wall fell, which side did the people run to?"

"When the boy was making pancakes, why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it"

"When the butter melted, it was rendered useless"

"When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder"

"When the cave people went to the cave bar and asked for a drink on the rocks, they meant it"

"When the citizens question their government, it's called a conspiracy theory"

"When the computer asks 'Are you a robot?' maybe he's just looking for his family"

"When the ducks quack, feed them" (Wall Street proverb)

"When the economic tide goes out, you find out who is swimming naked" (Warren Buffett?)

"When the enemy cannot destroy you, his job is to distract you"

"When the fact checkers are controlled by the same people doing the lying, what do you call it?"

"When the Fed taps on the brakes, somebody goes through the windshield"

"When the flight attendants close the cabin doors and the seat next to you is still empty"

"When the government starts passing laws that break other laws..."

"When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right..."

"When the interviewer asked me to describe myself in three words, I replied, 'Efficient'"

"When the law doesn’t apply to lawmakers, you’re not being governed. You’re being ruled"

"When the looting starts, the shooting starts"

"When the media is behind your movement, you aren't the resistance"

"When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees -- Sycamore"

"When the moon hits your eye like it's 4:45, that's November"

"When the murder hornets take a life, do they call it a buzzkill?"

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say"

"When the people fear the government, you have tyranny"

"When the plane door shuts and there’s still an empty seat next to you"

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace"

"When the race gets tough, step on the gas"

"When the rich rob the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence"

"When the Saints Go Marching In" (song)

"When the solution is simple, God is answering"

"When the state calls you a taxpayer, it's equivalent to a rapist calling his victim his girlfriend"

"When the store name and the price of gas collide" ($7.11 gas at 7-Eleven store)

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

"When the tide goes out, the table is set" (seafood harvesting adage)

"When the truth comes out, don't ask me how I knew. Ask yourself why you didn't"

"When the truth comes out, you can't unvax your children"

"When the truth comes out, you can't unvax your kids"

"When the water reaches the upper decks, follow the rats"

"When the weatherman broke both arms and legs, he called about his four casts"

"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly"

"When the whole world has gone vegan, no one will expect the Spinach Inquisition!"

"When the wolf stares you down, will you be the lamb that cowers in fear..."

"When there is a hill to climb, don’t think that waiting will make it smaller"

"When there's a big solar energy spill, it's just called 'a nice day'"

"When there's no baseball, I stare out the window and wait for spring"

"When they call roll in the Senate, senators don't know whether to answer present or not guilty"

"When they come for your guns, give 'em the ammo first"

"When they come for your guns, give them your bullets first"

"When they go low, you go high"

"When they raid the whorehouse, they take all the girls" (Wall Street adage)

"When they say democracy, they mean liberalism. When they say unite, they mean comply"

"When they start threatening people who want to investigate election fraud..."

"When things are bad and getting worse, keep a cookie in your purse"

"When this is all over, please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me" (social distancing)

"When this is over, should I go to Weight Watchers or AA first?"

"When those side effects kick in, come on back and we'll sell you something for those as well"

"When thunder roars, go indoors"

"When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary"

"When two vegetarians are arguing, is it still considered beef?"

"When vegetables get a vasectomy they get the parsnip"

"When Wall Street sneezes, the rest of the world catches pneumonia" ("When America sneezes...")

"When we changed the clocks, we went from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone!"

"When we do go back to work, we're going to need at least a week's notice to find our pants"

"When we grow up, checking for monsters under the bed becomes checking our bank accounts"

"When we lose God, it is not God who is lost"

"When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost"

"When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs and rear"

"When will people stop eating ground pork?"/"When pigs fly."

"When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die"

"When writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen"

"When you allow people to choose between the corrupt and the stupid, they will go for the corrupt"

"When you are crying you should be buying; When you are yelling you should be selling"

"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra"

"When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room, but less bedroom"

"When you buy Halloween candy as an adult, you’re paying for free candy you got as a kid"

"When you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine"

"When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil"

"When you chop up onions, they force you to mourn their death"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you compare gummy worms to gummy bears, it paints a horrific picture of gummy universe"

"When you die, you go to Willie Nelson's house" (Austin musician saying)

"When you dig a garden, you help bury industrial food! Eat local!"

"When you don’t know whether or not someone is eating something, are they omnomymous?"

"When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow"

"When you finally realize the science you trusted was actually eugenics" (sad clown face)

"When you find out your daily lifestyle is actually called 'quarantine'"

"(When you) Get a hunch, bet a bunch"

"When you get a new customer, make three trades" (Wall Street adage)

"When you get a wine hangover, it's called the grape depression"

"When you get older you form very strong opinions on different varieties of apples"

"When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, 'For your tomorrow, we gave our today'"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, these gave their today‘"

"When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, they gave their today‘"

"When you go to Midas, you get a muffler" (go to a specialist for that specialty)

"When you got to the Big Apple, they treated you like a worm" (Me, Myself & Irene film, 2000)

"When you have hit rock bottom and survived, there are very few things that can scare you"

"When you have nothing to do, do it on Facebook"

"When you have nothing to say, say it on Twitter"

"When you haven't even gone to sleep yet and you already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow"

"When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras"

"When you heat up leftovers from Thanksgiving, you’re quitting cold turkey"

"When you hoist a championship trophy, a mystical blood kinship is formed"

"When you learn how much you're worth, you'll stop giving people discounts"

When you leave New York...

"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is"

"When you leave New York, your next good meal will be in San Francisco"

"When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Auschwitz"

"When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Waco"

"When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's easier to understand..."

"When you mix religion and politics, you get politics"

"When you need something to believe in, start with yourself"

"When you open your heart to giving, angels fly to your door"

"When you pay for things with a credit card, you’re paying with your future earnings"

"When you pay with a debit card, you’re paying with your past earnings"

"When you point your finger at someone, three are pointing back at you"

"When you promote a good engineer to manager, you may get a bad manager and lose a good engineer"

"When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it spells ''THEIRS'"

"When you put your seatbelt on, you’re wearing your car"

"When you raid a whorehouse, take the piano player, too, because no one is entirely innocent"

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on"

"When you retire, you switch bosses -- from the one who hired you to the one who married you"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a bookstore"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a coffee shop"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a donut shop"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a liquor store"

"When you said 'friends with benefits,' I assumed you owned a taco truck"

"When you see snow, go slow" (winter driving adage)

"When you see through the illusion, you are the solution"

"When you settle for crumbs you end up starving"

"When you settle for crumbs you will always be starving"

"When you shop at a record store, you should know that all sales are vinyl"

"When you start to Excel, people start to spreadsheet"

"When you stop and think about them, treadmills are really dangerous"

"When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear"

"When you suck in your stomach, where does the fat go?"

"When you text a girl, you also text her friends"

"When you think it's time to bury your guns, it's really time to dig them up"

"When you think, you stink" (sports adage)

"When you throw dirt, you lose ground"

"When you tighten your belt, it's a recession; when you have no belt, it's a depression"

'When you go to church in the morning you say, 'Amen.' In the afternoon you say, 'Pmen'"

"When you truly don't care what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level"

"When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?"

"When you walk forward on an escalator it becomes an escasooner"

"When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, you'll be successful"

"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less"

"When you win, you're an old pro; when you lose, you're an old man"

"When you work from home, all work is homework"

"When your advertising interrupts my video, it just makes me hate your product"

"When your husband comes home with cockleburrs in his pants, don't ask his score" (golf saying)

"When your legs get tired, run with your heart"

"When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil"

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt"

"When you’re about to get run out of town on a rail, get out in front and call it a parade"

"When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression"

"When you're downie, eat a brownie"

"When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone else decides to play chess"

"When you're getting kicked in the rear, it means you're in front"

"When you're good, you tell everybody; when you're great, everybody tells you"

"When you're happy, you enjoy the music; when you're sad, you understand the lyrics"

"When you're here, you're halfway there" (MidPoint Cafe, Mile 1139 on Route 66)

"When you're in a hole, stop digging" (First Law of Holes)

"When you're in, you're a guest; when you're out, you're a pest"

"When you're not even done with Covid-19 and China releases Covid-20 Pro max"

"When you're out of quality, you're out of business"

"When you're out of shape, all training is weight training"

"When you're ready for the weekend, but it's only Tuesday"

"When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school"

"When you’re too emotional to talk, you sing. When you’re too emotional to sing, you dance"

"When you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both"

"When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall"

"Whenever I drive into a parking garage with a low ceiling, I duck my head down in my car"

"Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer 'in a pandemic?'"

"Whenever I go running, I meet new people...like paramedics"

"Whenever I hear the phrase 'Power of Attorney' I always imagine someone being bitten by..."

"Whenever I say the word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate"

"Whenever I see a commercial with a woman in a tub with two cucumber slices on her eyes..."

"Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass,'I wonder how it got there"

"Whenever I see other people pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, I'm like okay..."

"Whenever I want a Klondike bar, I just pay for it"

"Whenever my wife packs me salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong"

Whenever (W subway line)

"Whenever you don’t know who the loser is in a transaction, then the loser is you”

"Whenever you give the government the power to disarm the mentally ill, you give the government..."

"Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision"

"Where America Greets the World" (JFK Airport)

"Where are average things built?"/"In the satisfactory."

"Where are dead computer hackers buried?"/"In decrypt."

"Where are mathematicians buried?"/"The symmetry."

"Where are the customers' yachts?"

"Where are you celebrating the Ides of March?"/"Little Caesars!"

"Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?"/"On a bed of lettuce."

"Where can I buy a face mask that doesn't smell like bad breath?"

"Where can I buy seeds to plant a beer garden?"

"Where can I get scrod?" (joke)

"Where can you always find money?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where can you go to get a lap dance and a decent steak?"/"The New York Strip Club."

"Where can you get vegan beef?"/"From a vegetabull."

"Where can you learn how to make ice cream?" (joke)

"Where can you see a man-eating fish?"/"In a restaurant."

"Where Chili-Pepper Lights Meets Christmas-Tree Lights" (Panna II Indian Restaurant)

Where Dallas Goes for Fun (Addison slogan)

"Where did the clock finish the race?"/"Wherever it wound up."

"Where did the Easter bunny go to college?"/ "Johns Hopkins."

"Where did the first corn come from?"/"The stalk brought it."

"Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation"/"To Palm Beach."

"Where did the general keep his armies?"/"In his sleevies."

"Where did the kittens go on their class trip?"/"To a mewseum."

"Where did the piglets study their ABC's?"/"At a school for higher loining."

"Where did the stopwatch finish the race?"/"Wherever it wound up."

"Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?"/"Aisle B, back."

"Where did you find a Chinese waiter who speaks Yiddish?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Where do animals go when their tails fall off?"/"The retail store."

"Where do ants go to eat?"/"At a restaurant."

"Where do astronauts go to drink?"/"The spacebar."

"Where do astronauts leave their spacecrafts?"/"At parking meteors."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby cows eat lunch?"/"At a calf-ateria."

"Where do baby ghosts go during the day?"/"Dayscare centers."

"Where do bay leaves come from?"/"Beirut."

"Where do beans invest their money?"/"The stalk market."

"Where do bees go to the bathroom?"/"At the BP station."

"Where do belly buttons go to school?"/"The naval academy."

"Where do birds meet for coffee?"/"In a nest-cafe."

"Where do boats go when they're sick?"/"To the dock."

"Where do cars get the most flat tires?"/"Where there is a fork in the road."

"Where do cats go to have fun?"/"An a-mews-ment park."

"Where do cauliflowers grow?"/"Caulifornia." (cauliflower + California)

"Where do children learn their ABCs?"/"In LMN-tary school"

"Where do circles, ellipses, hyperbolas and parabolas like to hang out in the summer? Coney Island"

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do cowboys cook their meals?"/"On the range."

"Where do cows go after elementary school?"/"To a second dairy school."

"Where do cows go for entertainment?"/"To the moo-vies."

"Where do cows go on vacation?"/"Moo York."

"Where do ducks go for dinner?"/"Quacker Barrel."

"Where do eggs go on vacation?"/"New Yolk City."

"Where do eggs stay on vacation?"/"Hollandaise Inn."

"Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets?"/"Bootiques."

"Where do fish go to borrow money?"/"A loan shark."

"Where do fishes work?"/"In the of-fish."

"Where do footballers dance?"/"At a football."

"Where do fortune tellers dance?"/"At the crystal ball."

"Where do hippos go to college?"/"To the hippocampus."

"Where do homeless accountants live?"/"In a tax shelter."

"Where do horses live?"/"In a neigh-borhood."

"Where do I get seeds to start my own beer garden?"/"The Burpee catalog, of course."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do monkeys exercise?"/"At the jungle gym."

"Where do monsters buy their houses?"/"On Godzillow."

"Where do naughty rainbows go?"/"Prism."

"Where do Norse Texans go when they die?"/"Y'allhalla." (y'all + Valhalla)

"Where do pianists go for vacation?"/"The Florida Keys."

"Where do pianists go for vacation?"/"The Florida Keys."

"Where do pirates go to play games?"/"The Arrrrrrr-cade!"

"Where do pirates rent properties?"/"Arrrgh-bnb."

"Where do politicians come from?"/"When a clown and a serial killer love each other very much..."

"Where do poor meatballs live?"/"In the spaghetto."

"Where do porn stars go to college?"/"Fuck U."

"Where do pornstars go to school?"/"F. U."

"Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?"/"In a pellet court."

"Where do religious school children practice sports?"/"In the prayground."

"Where do Russians buy their coffee from?"/"Tsarbucks."

"Where do Russians get their milk?"/"From Mos-cows."

"Where do sensitive middle class dinosaurs send their kids?"/"Montessaurus school."

"Where do shellfish go to borrow money?"/"The prawn broker."

"Where do smart hot dogs end up?"/"On honor rolls."

"Where do snowmen go to dance?"/"To a snowball."

"Where do snowmen keep their money?"/"In snow banks."

"Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?"/"In a communest."

"Where do spiders go for medical advice?"/"WebMD."

"Where do spiders seek health advice?"/"WebMD."

"Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?"/"All over the place."

"Where do steak fingers come from?"/"Cowhands."

"Where do suicide bombers go when they die?"/"Everywhere."

"Where do they manufacture smells?"/"The ol' factory."

"Where do toilets come from?"/"They grow on lavatrees."

"Where do toilets come from?"/"They grow on toiletries."

"Where do turkeys go to dance?"/"The Butterball."

"Where do TVs go on vacation?"/"To remote islands."

"Where do vampires learn to suck blood?"/"Law school."

"Where do vegetarians go on holiday?"/"Quornwall."

"Where do wasps go for lunch?"/"A bee-stro."

"Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?"/"The Supreme Quart."

"Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?"/"At the Howl-iday Inn."

"Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?"/"On squid row."

"Where do you find stewed tomatoes?"/"Try the salad bar."

"'Where do you get your protein?' The same place your protein gets theirs"

"Where do you go to get help with a cheese addiction?"/"Briehab."

"Where do you go to weigh a pie?"/"Somewhere over the rainbow."

"Where do you park a camel?"/"In a Camelot."

"Where do you put illegal cheese?"/"Solid dairy confinement."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"/"Probably in a mirror."

"Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?"/"To the I.C.U."

"Where does a coffee maker go when it dies?"/"Percolatory."

"Where does a dad keep all his jokes?"/"In the dadabase."

"Where does a gorilla play baseball?"/"In the bush leagues."

"Where does a non-binary person get their pizza?"/"Little Ze/Zirs."

"Where does a shark work?"/"In the of-fish."

"Where does a smart nut go?"/"Into macadamia."

"Where does a woman with one leg work?"/"IHOP."

"Where does all my money go? It's like, hocus pocus I'm brocus"

"Where does all my money go? It's like, hocus pocus I'm brokus"

"Where does an angry sailor go?"/"Anchor management."

"Where does an Irish family go on vacation?"/"To a different bar."

"Where does Christmas come before Easter?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Darth Vader get his coffee?"/"The Death Starbucks."

"Where does Dracula water ski?"/"On Lake Erie, of course."

"Where does Easter come before Valentine's Day?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does French cheese get its flavor?"/"From age."

"Where does Russian milk come from?"/"Moscows."

"Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?"/"In a ho-ho-hotel."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?"/"At IHOP."

"Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs?"/"From eggplants."

"Where does toilet paper come from?"/"Toiletries."

Where Everybody Is Somebody & Home of Cowboys and Legends (Hico slogans)

"Where facts are few, experts are many"

"Where friends meet to eat" (Kincaid's Hamburgers slogan)

"Where has Oregon?" (pun)

"Where have you been?"/"Good employees are hard to find."

"Where in this toy store are the Terminator action figures?"/"Aisle B, back."

"Where is Beirut?"/"At the opposite end of a bay leaf."

"Where is the most open green space in New York City?"/"Central Pork."

"Where is this kitchen that everyone says makes abs?"

"Where liberty dwells, there is my country"

"Where music still matters" (Waterloo Records slogan)

"Where New York Comes to Talk" (WABC-AM)

Where Quality Meets Life (Pflugerville slogan)

"Where Shopping Is a Pleasure" (Publix)

"Where should you never take a dog?"/"To the flea market."

"Where Sport Lives" (Champs Sports)

"Where Stars Are Born And Legends Are Made" (Apollo Theater)

"Where Sunshine Spends the Winter" (San Antonio, El Paso, Rio Grande Valley slogan)

Where Texas Became Texas (Washington-on-the-Brazos slogan)

"Where the East Ends" (Dallas slogan)

"Where the East peters out" (Dallas slogan)

"Where the elite meet to cheat"

"Where the Elite Meet to Eat" (Duffy's Tavern)

"Where the hell is Elroy, Texas?"

"Where the rubber meets the road"

"Where the West Begins" (Fort Worth slogan)

"Where there is a risk, there must be a choice"

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength" ("No struggle, no strength")

"Where there is risk, there must be choice"

"Where there's a hit, there's a writ" (show business adage)

"Where there's a tip, there's a tap" (investment adage)

"Where there's a whisk, there's a way"

"Where there's a will. I want to be in it"

"Where there's smoke, there's brisket"

"Where there's smoke, there's toast"

Where thousands live the way millions wish they could (Needville slogan)

"Where Travel Begins" (Liberty Travel)

"Where was Jesus born?" (Palestine, Texas joke)

"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"/"At the bottom."

"Where We Go One, We Go All" (#WWG1WGA)

"Where Weird Meets Western" (Rodeo Austin slogan)

"Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?"/"In the Little League."

"Where yat?" ("Where y'at?")

Where Yee-Hah Meets Olé (Eagle Pass slogan)

"Where's the best place to buy a gentleman's hat?"/"Manhattan."

"Where's the best place to buy herbs in New York?"/"Thyme Square."

"Where's the best place to hide from a doctor?"/"An apple orchard."

"Where's the best place to hide a dead body?"/"Google's second page of search results"

"Where's the cheese grater?"/"Some say France..."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time you've got"

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got"

"Whether you’re rich or poor, it’s nice to have money"

"Which account is the most blocked on Twitter?"/"The National Constipation Society."

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which animal is the best at barbecuing?"/"The grilla."

"Which animals make potholes?"/"Rodents."

"Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?"/"The Air Force; they're US AF."

"Which building does Dracula visit in New York?"/"The Vampire State Building."

"Which came first, the chicken salad sandwich or the egg salad sandwich?"

"Which car looks the same frontwards or backwards?"/"A Toyota."

"Which cheese festival is the shortest?"/"The Brie Fest."

"Which cheese is an alcoholic?"/"Livarot."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which color can open your vehicle?"/"Khaki."

"Which composer got the coronavirus?"/"DryCoughsky."

"Which do you prefer: chess or sex?"/"It depends on the position."

"Which fruit is the father of all fruits?"/"Papaya."

"Which ghost ate too much porridge?"/"Ghouldilocks."

"Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?"/"All of them. A crossbar can't jump."

"Which hotel do vegetables stay in for vacation?"/"The Radishon."

"Which insect didn't play well in goal?"/"The fumble bee."

"Which is faster, hot or cold?"/"Hot, because you can catch a cold"

"Which is the most desired summer body this year?"/"The antibody."

"Which is the strongest day in the week?"/"Sunday - all the rest are weekdays."

"Which Kebab do you want?"/"Kalmi maybe."

"Which knight kept King Arthur’s food fresh at the Round Table?"/"Sir Anrapp."

"Which knight is the protector of foods?"/"Sir Anwrap."

"Which knight loved eating pancakes at the round table?"/"Sir Up."

"Which military leader knows the most?"/"General Knowledge."

"Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?"/"'Rude'olph."

"Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?"/"'Rude'olph."

"Which side of a turkey has the juiciest meat?"/"The inside."

"Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?"/"The outside."

"Which Thanksgiving beverage is sad?"/"Apple sigh-der."

"Which tricycle does the blonde have?"/"The one with the kickstand."

"Which vegetable do you stand in line for?"/"A queue cumber."

"Which way did the programmer go?"/"He went data way!"

"Which wine pairs best with existential dread?"

"While Alan Turing was cracking codes in WW2, his sister Kay was providing drinks & sandwiches"

"While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display. Heads will roll"

"While most puns make me feel numb, math puns always makes me feel number"

"While my wife was asleep, I wrote algebraic terms on her. You should have seen the expression..."

"While there's tea, there's hope"

"While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to" (joke)

"While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! -Sincerely, The Opportunist"

"Whilst cooking today, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I'm now parsley sighted"

"Whiners make excuses. Winners make coffee"

Whiney Orange (Whiny Orange)

WHINO (whine + RINO)

"Whipped cream comes from cows that are into BDSM"

"Whipped cream is just milk that enjoys BDSM"

"Whipped cream is just regular cream that is really into BDSM"

"Whiskey. Because who in the hell needs feelings"

Whiskey Ding

"Whiskey has never been recalled because of E. coli"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses"

"Whiskey is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again"

"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold"

"Whiskey is just water living up to its full potential"

"Whiskey is karaoke fuel"

"Whiskey is risky but it makes the girls frisky"

"Whiskey is the hand sanitizer for the soul"

"Whiskey is what beer wants to be when it grows up"

"Whiskey makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Whiskey (noun) -- magic brown water for fun people"

Whiskey Sour

"Whiskey, steak, guns & freedom"

"Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the kitchen floor medicine"

"Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world"

Whiskey Wednesday

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but better"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but for badasses"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, but more fun"

"Whiskey Wednesday. It's like Taco Tuesday, only cooler"

Whiskey-taw Falls (Wichita Falls nickname)

"Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again"

Whisper Number

Whistleblower

"White bread will now be referred to as 'privilege loaf'"

White Carnation (former official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

White Chili ("bowl of white")

"White Claw is Capri Sun for adults"

"White Claw is just alcoholic Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just carbonated alcoholic Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just millennial Zima"

"White Claw is just spiked Capri Sun"

"White Claw is just Zima for millennials"

"White Claw is just Zima for zoomers"

"White Claw is just zoomer Zima"

"White Claw should release a peppermint flavor and call it Santa Claws"

White Collar

White Fort State (Oregon nickname)

White Glove Building

"White grape juice is made from green grapes and is yellow"

White Harlem (Morningside Heights)

White Knight

White Light Belt (Broadway)

White Money

White Oil (lithium nickname)

"White on right" or "White to the right" (chess axiom)

"White people have been using the n-word every time they say 'vinegar'"

White Pizza

"White privilege is the ability to suffer through whatever life throws at you without blaming..."

"White Privilege: The ability to suffer whatever life throws at you without blaming another..."

"White Privilege: The ability to suffer life's universal indignities without blaming another..."

"White rice or brown rice?"/"Both. I'm not a riceist."

White Russian (cocktail)

"White Shoe" Firm

White Squire

White Texas Sheet Cake

White Trash Cake (White Trash Wedding Cake)

"White wine is what you drink before you drink red wine"

"Whiteboards are remarkable"

Whitemail

Whitestoner (inhabitant of Whitestone, Queens)

Whitey One-Bite (White Castle nickname)

Whitney Biennial

"Who are the world's fastest readers?"/"9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds."

"Who are you wearing?" (fashion question)

"Who ate the first pies?"/"The pie oneers."

"Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?"/"Tarzipan."

"Who called it a nutcracker and not a crackhead?"

"Who called it a salad with chicken and not breast in plants?"

"Who called it teabagging and not Dunkin Deeznuts?"

"Who called them dad jokes instead of pop corn?"

"Who called them dad jokes instead of popcorn?"

"Who called them sandwich artists and not sub contractors?"

"Who called them ’surgical masks’ instead of ’coughy filters’?"

"Who came up with the Gregorian calendar -- Greg or Ian?"

"Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline?"/"Jerry can."

"Who can drink 20 liters of gasoline?"/"Jerry can."

"Who conducts the spring orchestra?"/"May-stro."

"Who currently provides your internet?"/"My next-door neighbor."

"Who decided to call it 'marijuana possession' and not 'joint custody'?"

"Who decided to call them 'murder hornets' and not 'buzzkills'?"

WHO d'état (WHO + coup d'état)

"Who did the government buy the earth from? So why do we pay the government to live here?"

"Who did the government buy the earth from? Then why do we pay the government to live here?"

"Who died and made you king/ God/ boss/ president?"

"Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?"/"The skeleton crew."

"Who do monsters buy their cookies from?"/"The Ghoul Scouts."

"Who do Texan Muslims worship?"/"Y'allah." (y'all + Allah)

"Who do you call for a taco/tequila emergency?"/"9-Juan-Juan."

"Who does not love wine, women, and song remains a fool his whole life long"

"Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?"/"A turkey because it is always stuffed."

"Who earns a living driving their customers away?"/"A taxi driver."

"Who earns a living by driving customers away?"/"A taxi driver."

"Who fixes time machines?"/"A quantum mechanic."

"Who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth may not come forth on the fifth"

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who invented pickles? Dinosaurs. It was during the Vlassic period"

"Who invented popcorn chicken?"/"Kernel Sanders."

"Who invented spaghetti?"/"Someone who used his noodle."

"Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?"/"Drycoughsky."

"Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?" (riddle/joke)

"Who is Scott Fitzgerald, and why is everyone so rude about him?"

"Who is the fastest man on earth?"/"A drummer. He beats time."

"Who is the healthiest member of the army?"/"General Wellbeing."

"Who is the king of office supplies?"/"The ruler."

"Who is the patron saint of security cameras?"/"St. Francis of a CCTV."

"Who is the strongest thief?"/"A shoplifter."

"Who is this 'moderation' everyone tells me to drink with?"

"Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner"

"Who knows about African wines? A Somali, eh"

"Who made the first soft drink?"/"Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop."

"Who needs a guy when there's chai?"

"Who needs a wife anyway? How difficult can it be to boil a toast?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who needs therapy when you can shitpost on X/Twitter?"

"Who ordered the clean glass?" (Myron Cohen joke about Stage Deli)

Who Owns New York?

"Who painted Whistler's mother?" (riddle/joke)

Who played for Yankees, Knicks and Rangers in the same year?

"Who says a good newspaper has to be dull?" (NY Herald Tribune slogan)

"Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal"

"Who says, 'Oh, Oh, Oh'?"/"Santa walking backwards."

"Who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?"/"Ramen Hood."

"Who steals soup from the rich and gives it to the poor?"/"Ramen Hood."

"Who stopped payment on my reality check?"

"Who the government?"

"Who turns the lights off at Halloween?"/"The light's witch."

"Who Wants Jack Daniel's?" or "We Want Jack Daniel's" (WWJD)

"Who Wants Jelly Donuts?" or "We Want Jelly Donuts" (WWJD)

"Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who was the sweetest knight at the round table?"/"Sir Up."

"Who was the wisest financial investor in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who were the first people to make pastries?"/"The pie-oneers."

"Who, What, When, Where...Wine!"

"Who will join old Ben Milam in storming the Alamo?"

"Who would name their company FedEx? That's two things that I never want showing up at my door"

"Who was the greatest actor in the Bible?"/"Samson. He brought the house down."

"Whoa, Nellie!" ("Whoa, Nelly!")

"Whoa, Nelly!" ("Whoa, Nellie!")

"Whoa whoa whoa.... I'm all for freedom, if it's done legally"

"Whoever came up with the phrase 'The freaks come out at night' has clearly never been to Walmart"

"Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called 'fun sized'..."

"Whoever invented crotch waxing must have made a Brazilian dollars!"

"Whoever invented the rice cake had a pretty loose concept of 'cake'"

"Whoever named them 'missiles' wasn't being very optimistic"

"Whoever named them missiles wasn't very optimistic"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has never been in a locker room"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has never taken a shower at the YMCA"

"Whoever said 'All men are created equal' has obviously never been to a nude beach"

"Whoever said 'All men were created equal' has never been to a nudist colony"

"Whoever said all men were created equal has obviously never received dick pics!"

"Whoever said 'all you need is love' clearly never had warm peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream"

"Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a coffee drinker"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a whiskey drinker"

"Whoever said 'Less is more' clearly wasn't a wine drinker"

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness never paid for a divorce before"

"Whoever said money can't buy you happiness has clearly never been bonded out of jail before"

"Whoever said money can't buy you happiness has never been bonded out of jail before"

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door"

"Whoever said one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat"

"Whoever said technology would replace all paper hasn’t tried wiping their behind with an iPad"

"Whoever said 'The freaks come out at night' has obviously never been to Walmart during the day"

"Whoever said the onion is the only vegetable that makes ya cry has never wiped with a corn cob"

"Whoever said white people can't jump clearly hasn't seen the footage from 9/11"

"Whoever snuck the 's' in 'fast food' was a clever little bastard"

"Whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account"

"Whoever wins the turnover battle usually wins the game" (football adage)

Whole Foodie (Whole Foods + foodie)

"Whole Foods, Whole People, Whole Planet" (Whole Foods slogan)

"Whole kit and caboodle"

Whole Paycheck (Whole Foods nickname)

Whole Wallet (Whole Foods nickname)

Wholetail (wholesale + retail)

"Whomever stole my highlighter, I'll find you. Mark my words"

Whoopee Row (West 133rd Street)

Whoopie Pie (Whoopee Pie)

"Whoppers are a poor man's Maltesers"

Whore Derve (hors d'oeuvre)

Whore Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

Whore's Breakfast or Chorus Girl's Breakfast (cigarette and New York Morning Telegraph)

Whorespondent or Whorrespondent (whore + correspondent)

"Who’s Scott Fitzgerald and why did they tell us to fuck him in high school"

"Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?"/"The ultra-sound guy."

"Who's the father of all fruit?"/"Papaya."

"Who's the greatest chicken-killer in all of Shakespeare?"/"Macbeth. He did murder most foul."

"Who's the patron saint of email?"/"St. Francis of a CC."

"Who's the patron saint of shopping?"/"St. Francis de Sales."

"Who’s the spiciest knight of the round table?"/"Sir Racha."

WHOtube (YouTube nickname)

"Why allow yourself to be full of hate, when you can be full of coffee instead?"

"Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?"

"Why am I the only person naked at this gender reveal party?"

"Why are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? (joke)

"Why are airplanes so hard to see?"/"Because they're in disguise."

"Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?"/"Because they can't defend their towers."

"Why are Americans so dumb?"/"Because they shoot the ones who go to school."

"Why are artichokes so beloved?"/"They’re known for their hearts."

"Why are bass guitarists always safe?"/"Because they stay out of treble."

"Why are buffalo wings so small when buffalo are so big?"

"Why are Chinese restaurant owners the best renters?"/"Because they're lo mein tenants."

"Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?"/"They always drop their needles."

"Why are clouds like jockeys?"/"When they hold the rains."

"Why are computers always hungry?"/"Because they can only eat microchips."

"Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?"/"Because they're Santa's star bucks."

"Why are doctors so afraid of apples, anyway?"

"Why are drummer jokes so simple?"/"So bassists can understand them."

"Why are elevator jokes always funny?"/"Because they work on so many different levels."

"Why are fish easy to weigh?"/"They have their own scales!"

"Why are fish no good at tennis?"/"They don't like to get too close to the net."

"Why are fish so smart?"/"Because they travel in schools."

"Why are fishmongers never generous?"/"Because their business makes them sell-fish."

"Why are French snail imports down?"/"Because there is less cargo."

"Why are French snails faster?"/"Less cargo."

"Why are the French snails fastest in the world?"/"L’ess cargo."

"Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are ghosts bad liars?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are ghosts terrible liars?"/"Because you can see right through them."

"Why are girls so good at swimming?"/"Because they are boyn't."

"Why are horses always so fit?"/"They're on a stable diet."

"Why are horses lousy at voting?"/"They only vote neigh."

"Why are Jamaicans afraid of kosher delis?"/"They dread lox."

"Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?" (lawyer joke)

"Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?"/"They're very short-tempered!"

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are most New York Italians called Tony?" (joke)

"Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas"

"Why are New Yorkers depressed?"/"Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!"

"Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?" (joke)

"Why are origami artists bad at poker?"/"They always fold."

"Why are people so tired on April 1st?"/"Because they just finished a 31-day March."

"Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?"

"Why are pianos so hard to open?"/"The keys are inside."

"Why are pizza slices shaped that way? Do they expect our mouths to get wider after each bite?"

"Why are restaurant servers the luckiest profession?"/"Good things come to those who wait."

"Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?"/"They have herd immunity."

"Why are sardines so stupid?"/"They lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside."

"Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?"/"He's a master of deduction."

"Why are so few murders solved in the South?"/"No dental records and all the DNA matches."

"Why are so many leprechauns florists?"/"They have green thumbs."

"Why are so many leprechauns gardeners?"/"Because they have green thumbs."

"Why are televisions attracted to people?"/"Because people turn them on."

"Why are there donut holes, but not bagel holes?"

"Why are there no dominatrixes at sandwich shops?"/"Because they're all subs."

"Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?"/"Because the punchlines are offal."

"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the U.S.?"/"Because freedom rings."

"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?"/"Because they're all Targets."

"Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup?" (joke)

"Why is it there are poptarts but no momtarts?"/"Because of the pastryarchy."

"Why are there so many baseball autobiographies?"/"Because every pitcher tells a story."

"Why are there so many public libraries, but no public gyms?"

"Why are they called 'apartments' when they're all stuck together?" (joke)

"Why are they called 'buildings' when they’re already finished?" (joke)

"Why are vampires afraid of casinos?"/"Because of all the high stakes."

"Why are vampires such jerks?"/"Because they are incapable of self reflection."

"Why are waiters good at math?"/"They know all their tables."

"Why are women and children evacuated first?" (joke)

"Why are women so bad at parking cars?" (NSFW joke)

"'Why are you late?' my teacher asked" (school joke)

"Why are you staring at my bumper sticker?" (bumper sticker)

"Why are you staring at my bumper? You pervert!" (bumper sticker)

"Why aren't bananas ever lonely?"/"Because they come in bunches."

"Why aren't donut holes called don'tnuts?"

"Why aren't there more songs about being hungry?"

"Why aren't there more songs about being hungry?"

"Why argue with a Vaxxer, when you could just wait?"

"Why argue with an Anti-Vaxer, when you could just wait"

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel"

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"Why call it a land dispute, and not ground beef?"

"Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?"/"Because they're seedy."

"Why can't 45 degree angles get a mortgage?"/"They don't know whether to sine or cosine."

"Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?" (riddle)

"Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?"/"Because they don't believe in higher powers."

"Why can't cars play football?"/"Because they only have one boot."

"Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around"

"Why can't China play cricket?"/"They keep eating their bats."

"Why can't Chinese barbecue?"/"Because the rice falls through the grill."

"Why can’t Christians do trigonometry?"/"Cos Jesus took away their sin."

"Why can't diabetics get vengeance?"/"Because vengeance is sweet."

"Why can't dogs dance?"/"Because they have two left feet."

"Why can't eggs have love?"/"They will break up too soon."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't New Yorkers play chess?"/"They're missing two towers."

"Why can’t Santa Claus get COVID-19?"/"He has santibodies."

"Why can't skeletons play church music?"/"They have no organs."

"Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?"

"Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?"/"Because they're always a little short."

"Why can’t you carry unlimited pickles in video games?"/"You’re over-cucumbered."

"Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service"

"Why can't you run through a campground?" (joke)

"Why can't you take a turkey to church?"/"Because they use fowl language."

"Why can't you tell a good joke about retired people?"/"Because none of them work!"

"Why can’t you trust a taco?"/"It might spill the beans."

"Why can’t you trust an Everything Bagel?"/"They’re pretty seedy!"

"Why can’t you trust burritos to keep a secret?"/"They tend to spill the beans."

"Why can't you trust lemons?"/"Because they're seedy!"

"Why can't you trust tacos?"/"They tend to spill the beans."

"Why couldn’t Covid get a drink at the bar?"/"Because Covid 19."

"Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?"/"Her brother was using the toilet."

"Why couldn't the egg quit smoking?"/"Because he'd Benedicted to it."

"Why couldn't the fish go shopping?"/"It didn't have anemone."

"Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his house?"/"Because he had gnocchi."

"Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?"/"He was a little shoat."

"Why couldn't the pirate play cards?"/"Because he was sitting on the deck."

"Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?"/"Because he was on a roll."

"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?"/"Because it got stuck in a crack."

"Why did 10 die?"/"Because he was in the middle of 9/11."

"Why did a lost grizzly walk into a jewelry store?"/"Because he had to get his bear rings."

"Why did a soccer manager give his team lighters?"/"Because they kept losing all of their matches."

"Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?"/"To get to the Dark Side."

"Why did Dracula get tested for Covid-19?"/"Because of his coffin."

"Why did Dracula pass out on New Year’s Eve?"/"There was a count down."

"Why did Eeyore cross the road?"/"To get to the other... sigh."

"Why did Eve want to move to New York?"/"She fell for the Big Apple!"

"Why did God create armadillos?" (joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (lawyer joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (real estate agent joke)

"Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?"/"To practice." (lawyer joke)

"Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?"/"To make up for a bad summer."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"Because he was nailed to the chicken."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"God knows."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"He didn't. Jesus rode the cross."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"He saw a crosswalk."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"To get a cross (across)."

"Why did Jesus make stir fry in the South China Sea?"/"To prove that he could wok on water."

"Why did John jump up and down before drinking his juice?"/"The box said, "Shake well.'"

"Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?"/"To get to the other cider!"

"Why did Johnny get low grades after Thanksgiving?"/"Everything is marked down after the holidays."

"Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del?"/"She wanted to see the task manager."

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He couldn't fit in the elevator."

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He needed to catch a plane."

"Why did man invent curling?"/"To convince women sweeping was a sport."

"Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?"/"Because she went to woo Han."

"Why did Santa’s little helpers sit outside the restaurant?"/"They wanted to eat elfresco."

"Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?"/"Because he was looking for a good case idea."

"Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?"/"He couldn't afford plane fare."

"Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?"/"He was perfecting his swing."

"Why did the AC compressor sweat?"/"Because it had to run all day."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"Because he did it last year."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"So he could claim it on his travel expenses."

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"/"To bore the people on the other side."

"Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?"/"Because it multiplied by dividing."

"Why did the animal cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the apple do Pilates?"/"To work on his core."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the banana split."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the cheese roll."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the jelly roll."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the sausage roll."

"Why did the artist cross the road?"/"To see from the other side."

"Why did the atheist cross the road?"/"He thought there might be a street on the other side..."

"Why did the baby chick cross the road?"/"Because it was Take-Your-Child-to-Work Day."

"Why did the baby chick cross the road?"/"To meet up with her Peeps."

"Why did the baby ganoush grow up big and strong?"/"It had good auber-genes."

"Why did the bacterium fail its math class?"/"Because it multiplies when it divides."

"Why did the bagel go to the bar?"/"To get toasted."

"Why did the balloon burst?"/"Because it saw a lolly pop."

"Why did the banana go out with the prune?"/"Because he couldn't find a date."

"Why did the banana go to the doctor?"/"It wasn't peeling well."

"Why did the bank robber take a bath?"/"So he could make a clean getaway."

"Why did the bigamist cross the road?"/"To get to the other bride."

"Why did the biology students almost fail?"/"They were bio-D-grade-able."

"Why did the bird chirp at the trick-or-treaters?"/"Because he thought they wanted tweets!"

"Why did the birdwatcher cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?" (joke)

"Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?"/"She thought it was Diet Coke."

"Why did the bowl of soup disappear?"/"It was leek soup."

"Why did the bowling pins stop working?"/"Because they went on strike."

"Why did the boy eat his cash?"/"Because it was his dinner money."

"Why did the boy eat his cash?"/"Because it was his dinner money."

"Why did the boy eat his homework?"/"Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake."

"Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?"/"Because he wanted sweet dreams."

"Why did the boy smear peanut butter on the road?"/"To go with the traffic jam."

"Why did the boy throw butter out the window?"/"To see the butter fly."

"Why did the bunny go to the dance?"/"To do the bunny hop!"

"Why did the cactus cross the road?"/"It was stuck to the chicken."

"Why did the cake go to the doctor?"/"It was a coughee cake."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the cannibal break up with his valentine?"/"She didn't suit his taste."

"Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?"/"Too many handshakes."

"Why did the cannibal eat an Olympian every morning?"/"So he could have a breakfast of champions."

"Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?"/"He wanted a balanced meal."

"Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?"/"Because he got cold feet"

"Why did the cannibal live on his own?"/"He was fed up with other people."

"Why did the cantaloupe jump into the lake?"/"It wanted to be a watermelon."

"Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?"/"It wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the cat cross the road?"/"Because the chicken had a laser pointer."

"Why did the cat cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the cheese board blow away?"/"Because of the strong bries."

"Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course?"/"Because he wanted them par-boiled."

"Why did the chef quit?"/"They cut his celery."

"Why did the chef take his own life?"/"Because he lost the huile d'olive."

"Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the chicken cross the apple orchard?"/"To get to the other cider."

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?"/"Because it heard the referee was blowing fowls."

"Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?"/"To get to the same side."

"Why did the chicken cross the orchard?"/"To get to the other cider?"

"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was after him."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Can't a fucking chicken cross a road...?"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"It was in a curry."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far."

"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?" (riddle)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Social distancing."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to your house."/"Knock, knock..."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To have its motives questioned."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?"/"To see the chicken strip."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To show the armadillo it could be done!"

"Why did the chicken cross the tweet?"/"To get to the other snide."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"Because the road was on the other side."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"It was fowl play."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"It was working for the other side."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"To change sides."

"Why did the chicken double-cross the road?"/"To get to the other spies."

"Why did the chicken end up in the soup?"/"Because it ran out of cluck."

"Why did the chicken go to the gym?"/"To work on his pecks."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"She wanted to lay it on the line."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"To get to the other side."

"Why did the Chicken Tikka Masala cross the road?"/"Because it was in a curry."

"Why did the child cross the road?"/"Because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt."

"Why did the child study in the airplane?"/"He wanted a higher education."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?"/"It tocked too much."

"Why did the clown cross the road?"/"To find his rubber chicken."

"Why did the coffee file a police report?"/"Because it got mugged."

"Why did the coffee get in trouble?"/"Because it was not tea."

"Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?"/"He wrote sheet music."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"Because it was programmed by the chicken."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"To get a byte to eat."

"Why did the computer cross the road?"/"To get another bus."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the cook get arrested?"/"He was caught beating an egg."

"Why did the cookie cry?"/"Because his mother was a wafer so long."

"Why did the cookie go to the doctor?"/"Because he was feeling crummy!"

"Why did the cow cross the road?"/"To get to the udder side."

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?"/"Because he rode the range."

"Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?"/"It was the pot calling the cattle back."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"It didn't. It used the sidewalk."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"Just beclaws."

"Why did the crab cross the road?"/"To get to the other tide."

"Why did the cranberries turn red?"/"Because they saw the turkey dressing."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the plate?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the road?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cranberry sauce cross the table?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?"/"She couldn't control her pupils."

"Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?"/"He only had one pupil."

"Why did the dad joke cross the road?"/"To get father away."

"Why did the dad joke cross the road?"/"To get to the other sigh."

"Why did the dead chicken cross the road?"/"Because it was a poultrygeist."

"Why did the dead chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side."

"Why did the detective cross the road?"/"To get to the homicide."

"Why did the diner send back the rabbit stew?"/"Because it had a hare in it."

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road?"/"Because chickens hadn't evolved yet."

"Why did the dog cross the road?"/"To get to the barking lot."

"Why did the dog cross the road?"/"It wanted to play animal crossing."

"Why did the dog go to court?"/"Because he got a barking ticket."

"Why did the dog sit in the shade?"/"Because he didn't want to be a hot dog."

"Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?"/"It was time for his annual eggzam."

"Why did the Easter egg hide?"/"He was a little chicken."

"Why did the economist stop selling herbs?"/"Because you can't thyme the market."

"Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?"/"Because he couldn't resistor."

"Why did the emo chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other sigh."

"Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?"/"Because he was pressed for time."

"Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?"/"Because he wanted rich milk."

"Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?"/"He wanted mashed potatoes."

"Why did the feminist fail algebra?"/"She couldn't solve inequalities."

"Why did the fur trader cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the fur trapper cross the road?"/"To get to the otter's hide."

"Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?"/"He didn't have a haunting license."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the ghost cross the road?"/"Because it was a poultrygeist."

"Why did the ghost cross the road?"/"To get to the other side."

G"Why did the ghost go to jail?"/"He got arrested for possession."

"Why did the ghost go to the doctor?"/"To get a boo-ster shot."

"Why did the girl feed money to her cow?"/"Because she wanted to get rich milk."

"Why did the girl sit on her watch?"/"She wanted to be on time."

"Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?"/"To go with the traffic jam."

"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?" (joke)

"Why did the gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the guy name his dog 5 Miles?"/"So every day he can say, 'I just walked 5 Miles.'"

"Why did the headless horseman go into business?"/"He wanted to get a head in life."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flat mate."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flatmate."

"Why did the helicopter trainee fail on his first flight?"/"He was cold, so he turned the fan off."

"Why did the hermit crab cross the road?"/"To get to the Shell station."

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?"/"Because he's an idiot."

"Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?"/"The anesthesia wasn't local."

"Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent?"/"Because he was bored of the rings."

"Why did the homophone cross the rowed?"/"To get to the other sighed."

"Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread?"/"It was a crusty steed."

"Why did the hot dogs need more room?"/"They were over-krauted."

"Why did the hotel hire a skeleton on Halloween?"/"He had a skeleton key."

"Why did the illusionist cross the road?"/"He didn't."

"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?"/"He couldn't see himself doing it."

"Why did the jalapeño put on a sweater?"/"Because he was a little chili."

"Why did the Jedi cross the road?"/"To get to the Dark Side."

"Why did the jellybean go to school?"/"He wanted to be a Smartie."

"Why did the Jewish man walk into a stop sign?"/"He wasn't an observant Jew."

"Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate?"/"She was on a crash diet."

"Why did the Lego cross the road?"/"To get to the other block."

"Why did the leprechaun cross the road?"/"He wanted to reach the pot of gold faster."

"Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?"/"To keep from falling in the stew!"

"Why did the lion cross the road?"/"Because he saw a zebra crossing."

"Why did the lion cross the road?"/"To get to the other pride."

"Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?"/"Because the top said, 'Twist to open.'"

"Why did the lobster blush?"/"Because he saw the salad dressing!"

"Why did the man attach a rocket to a deer?"/"He wanted to make a quick buck."

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread?"/"He overdoughsed."

"Why did the man put a clock under his desk?"/"He wanted to work overtime."

"Why did the man throw a clock out the window?"/"To see time fly."

"Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen?"/"It was tired of being taken for granite."

"Why did the mathematician work from home?"/"Because he could only function in his domain."

"Why did the medium cross the road?"/"To speak to the other side."

"Why did the melon jump into the water?"/"Because it wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the minus sign run for office?"/"To make a difference."

"Why did the M&M go to school?"/"Because it wanted to be a Smartie."

"Why did the monster eat a light bulb?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the mushroom go to the party?"/"Because he was a fun-gi."

"Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?"/"So he could yell 'Anna 1, Anna 2!'"

"Why did the Nazi win the race?"/"He was the fascist."

"Why did the newspaper blush?"/"It saw the comic strip."

"Why did the non-binary prospector move to California?"/"There was gold in them/their hills"

"Why did the one-handed man cross the road?"/"He wanted to go to a second hand store."

"Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?"/"It ran out of juice."

"Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?"/"Because it lost its filling."

"Why did the otter cross the road?"/"To get to the otter side."

"Why did the oven go back to University?"/"To get another degree."

"Why did the painting go to jail?"/"It was framed."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?"/"He had a big bill."

"Why did the pervert cross the road?"/"He got stuck in the chicken."

"Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?"/"There was no chemistry."

"Why did the piano player cross the road?"/"To get to the other stride."

"Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist?"/"It was too cucumbersome."

"Why did the picture go to jail?"/"Because it was framed."

"Why did the pie go to the dentist?"/"To get a filling."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the piglets do badly in school?"/"They were all slow loiners."

"Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the pilot blush?"/"Because he saw the airstrip."

"Why did the pirate ask for a loan with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate ask to get a mortgage with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate go to college?"/"To become an arrrrrrchitect!"

"Why did the pirate send his hot dog back at Nathan's?"/"Because it was a salty dog."

"Why did the police arrest the turkey?"/"They suspected it of fowl play."

"Why did the police officer smell?"/"Because he was on duty."

"Why did the politician cross the road?"/"To get to the other bribe."

"Why did the politician cross the road?"/"To collect the $300 travel allowance."

"Why did the polygamist cross the road?"/"To get to the other bride."

"Why did the potato cough up blood?"/"Because it had tuber-culosis."

"Why did the potato cross the road?"/"He saw a fork up ahead."

"Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the printer go to the gym?"/"To get toner."

"Why did the programmer quit his job?"/"Because he didn't get arrays."

"Why did the rabbit cross the road?"/"Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!"

"Why did the raccoon cross the road?"/"He didn't, he got hit by a car."

"Why did the road kill the chicken?"/"The chicken crossed him."

"Why did the rockmelon jump into the river?"/"He wanted to become a watermelon."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?"/"To see a chicken strip."

"Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?"/"She wanted to stretch her legs."

"Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the rubber side."

"Why did the runner stop listening to music?"/"Because she broke too many records."

"Why did the sarcastic chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other snide."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?"/"Because he was outstanding in his field."

"Why did the sea monster eat five ships carrying potatoes?"/"No one can eat just one potato ship."

"Why did the skeleton cross the road?"/"To get to the body shop."

"Why did the skeleton go to the BBQ?"/"He needed some spare ribs!"

"Why did the slave go to college?"/"So he could pick up his Master's degree."

"Why did the snail cross the road?"/"I don't know. It hasn't gotten there yet."

"Why did the snowman pull down his pants?"/"Because he heard a snow blower coming."

"Why did the snowman pull down his pants?"/"Because he saw the snowblower coming."

"Why did the sperm cross the road?"/"Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk."

"Why did the spy cross the road?"/"Because he was never really on your side."

"Why did the stand-up comedian get a job at Domino's?"/"He needed to work on his delivery."

"Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?" (riddle)

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Because his dealer lived on the other side."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Because it was the HIGHway."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"The grass was greener on the other side."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"To avoid the pot hole."

"Why did the stoner cross the road?"/"Who else would follow a chicken?"

"Why did the stoner put laxatives in weed brownies?"/"For shits and giggles."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the student bring scissors to school?"/"He wanted to cut class."

"Why did the students flunk the final exam at the Magician's School?"/"They were all trick questions."

"Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other cyanide."

"Why did the super villain cross the road?"/"To get to the other sidekick."

"Why did the tachyon cross the road?"/"Because it was on the other side."

"Why did the tamale go to the hospital?"/"Tamalito."

"Why did the tanner cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the taxidermist cross the road?"/"To get to the other hide."

"Why did the teacher go to the beach?"/"To test the water."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher jump in the lake?"/"She wanted to test the waters."

"Why did the teacher jump in the pool?"/"She wanted to test the water."

"Why did the teacher write on the window?"/"Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear."

"Why did the television cross the road?"/"Because it wanted to be a flat screen."

"Why did the tofu cross the road?"/"To prove he wasn't chicken."

"Why did the tofu cross the road?"/"To prove he wasn't chicken."

"Why did the tomato blush?"/"Because it saw the salad dressing."

"Why did the tomato blush?"/"Because it saw the salad undressing."

"Why did the tomato turn red?"/"Because it saw the salad dressing."

"Why did the traffic light turn red?" (joke)

"Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?"/"Because they couldn’t container."

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"/"It was the chicken's day off."

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the turkey cross the table?"/"To get to the other sides."

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"/"To get to the Shell station."

"Why did the TV cross the road?"/"Because it wanted to be a flat screen."

"Why did the vampire flunk art class?"/"He could only draw blood."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the vegetable never meet his father?"/"Because he had a dead beet dad."

"Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?"/"Because he took a leek!"

"Why did the vindictive chicken cross the road?"/"Because the road crossed her first."

"Why did the vulture cross the road?"/"Because the chicken didn't make it."

"Why did the vulture cross the road?"/"For a fowl reason."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the weak acid go to the gym?"/"To become a buffer solution."

"Why did the weather want privacy?"/"It was changing."

"Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?"/"She was on a crash diet."

"Why did the yo-yo cross the road?"/"It was walking the dog."

"Why did the zebra cross the road?"/"Because it was a zebra crossing."

"Why did they stop selling beer at the baseball park?" (joke)

"Why did they stop the zombie hockey game?"/"There was a face off in the corner."

"Why did you come home half drunk?"/"I ran out of money."

"Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?"/"Because it was 2 squared."

"Why didn't anyone respect the mushroom farmer?"/"He had no morels."

"Why didn’t Cupid shoot at the lawyer’s heart?"/"Because Cupid can't hit a target that small."

"Why didn't people want to go to the German restaurant?"/"It was always too krauted."

"Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"/"Because he went down in History."

"Why didn't the acrobat work in the winter?"/"He wanted to do summer-saults."

"Why didn't the atheist cross the road?"/"There's no such thing as the other side."

"Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?"/"It had grater plans."

"Why didn't the chick cross the road?"/"Because it was a little chicken."

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road?"/"Because he saw what happened to the zebra."

"Why didn't the dog want to play football?"/"It was a boxer."

"Why didn't the donkey cross the road?"/"Because he saw what happened to the zebra."

"Why didn't the Easter egg cross the road?"/"Because he wasn't a chicken yet!"

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?"/"Because he was too far out, man."

"Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?"/"He didn't habanero."

"Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig?"/"Because he was an old boar."

"Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?"/"Because X was always 10."

"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?"/"He didn’t have any guts."

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?"/"He had no body to dance with!"

"Why didn't the skeleton like the Halloween candy?"/"He didn't have the stomach for it."

"Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?"/"Because his heart wasn't in it."

"Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?"/"Because he was stuffed."

"Why didn't the two fours want any lunch?"/"Because they already eight."

"Why didn't you take the bus?" (joke)

"Why do all hot dogs look the same?"/"Because they are in bread."

"Why do ambassadors never get sick?"/"They have diplomatic immunity."

"Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

"Why do Americans fish with a gun?"/"So they get the whole school."

"Why do Americans make such a fuss about 9/11 anyway? What happened on the 9th of November?"

"Why do ants not go to church?"/"Because they're in sects."

"Why do astronauts use Linux?"/"Because they can't open Windows in space."

"Why do bagpipers walk when they play?"/"To get away from the noise."

"Why do bankers make great lovers?"/"They know the penalty for early withdrawal."

"Why do Baptists forbid kissing standing up?"/"It might lead to dancing."

"Why do barrel racers have to be cremated?"/"Because the ground's never good enough."

"Why do beavers spend a fortune on the internet?"/"They never want to log off."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do bees have sticky hair?"/"Because they use honeycombs."

"Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?"/"Swarm."

"Why do big-game hunters mount lions’ heads?"/"To mount the other end would be a catastrophe."

"Why do birds fly south for the winter?"/"Because it's too far to walk."

"Why do blondes hate M&Ms?"/"They're too hard to peel."

"Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?"

"Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?"/"Because they belong behind bars."

"Why do brides wear white?"/"Because it's the most popular color for kitchen appliances"

"Why do cannibals eat readers, not writers?"/"Because writers cramp, but readers digest."

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do chemists like nitrates so much?"/"They're cheaper than day rates."

"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?"/"Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."

"Why do choruses travel so often?" (joke)

"Why do cows go to New York City?"/"To see the moosicals."

"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?"/"Because they lactose."

"Why do cows lie when it's raining?"/"To keep each udder dry."

"Why do cows think cooks are mean?"/"They whip cream!"

"Why do cows wear bells?"/"Because their horns don't work."

"Why do crabs never give to charity?"/"Because they're shellfish."

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with"

"Why do dinosaurs pay for Amazon Shipping?"/"Because they live in the Land before Prime."

"Why do eggs come in flimsy styrofoam cartons & batteries in a package only a chainsaw opens?"

"Why do fish swim in schools?"/"Because they can't walk in schools."

"Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?"/"It's a Wurst-Käse scenario."

"Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?"/"Because it's super-natural."

"Why do ghosts go to the gym?"/"To lift, they're spirits."

"Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?"/"It lifts their spirits."

"Why do ghosts use reddit?"/"Because they don’t have a life either."

"Why do girls float?"/"They're boyn't."

"Why do green beans meditate?"/"To find inner peas."

"Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?"/"They get to meet their old flames."

"Why do hens lay eggs?"/"Because if they dropped them they'd break."

"Why do I hate drinking coffee in front of the mirror?"/"Because of my ugly mug."

"Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more"

"Why do I live in a place where the air hurts my face?"

"Why do Java programmers wear glasses?"/"Because they can’t C#."

"Why do Jewish women love Chinese food?"/"Because 'wonton' spelled backwards is 'not now.'"

"Why do your kids go to school in gun-free zones, but Congress goes to work with armed guards?"

"Why do kittens make good announcers?"/"Because they have wee paws for station identification."

"Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?"/"Because the grass tickles their balls."

"Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?"/"They like to 'go' first class!"

"Why do leprechauns love to garden?"/"They have green thumbs."

"Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority?"/"Because they don't like Dick's."

"Why do lions only mate in the summer?"/"Because the pride comes before the fall."

"Why do lions stay with their families in June?"/"Because that's Pride Month!"

"Why do mathematicians like parks?"/"Because of all the natural logs."

"Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?"/"So they can have bubble baths."

"Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?"/"So they can have something to unwrap."

"Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?"/"Because a sign says 'No Trespassing.'"

"Why do midgets make bad parents?"/"Because they struggle to put food on the table."

"Why do Native Americans hate snow?"/"Because it's white and settles on their land."

"Why do only flat animals try to cross the road?"

"Why do pancakes always win at baseball?"/"They have the best batter."

"Why do pancakes always win at baseball?"/"They have the best batter."

"Why do paper straws come in plastic wrappers?"

"Why do people argue with short people? Their heights won't make them reach an agreement"

"Why do people carry umbrellas?"/"Because umbrellas can't walk."

"Why do people come back from baby changing stations with the same baby?"

"Why do people cry on the last day of school? The right time to cry is the first day of school"

"Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food?"

"Why do people kill animals?"/"Fur convenience steak"

"Why do people like making lasagna from scratch at home?"/"It’s pretty much a pizza cake."

"Why do people like soda?"/"Because it's sodalicious." (soda + delicious)

"Why do people pull their mask down to hear better?"

"Why do people pull their mask down to listen better?"

"Why do people put ketchup on french fries, but not on mashed potatoes?"

"Why do people think vanilla ice cream is plain? It’s vanilla-flavored"

"Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?"/"Regular rocks are too heavy."

"Why do people work as bakers?"/"Because they knead the dough."

"Why do pickles wear glasses?"/"They're legally brined."

"Why do pirates make great lawyers?"/"Because they’re very skilled at arrrrrguing."

"Why do police drive around looking for crime?"

"Why do police officers speed?"/"Because they can."

"Why do politicians take laxatives?"/"So they can speak more fluently."

"Why do potatoes make good detectives?"/"Because they keep their eyes peeled."

"Why do programmers prefer dark mode?"/"Because light attracts bugs."

"Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?"/"Wee paws for station identification."

"Why do radio stations stop the music just to say they play non-stop music?"

"Why do Rastafarians avoid Jewish delis?"/"Because they dread lox!"

"Why do riot police get to work early?"/"To beat the crowd."

"Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?"/"Because OCT 31 = DEC 25."

"Why do society hate lazy people? They didn't even do anything"

"Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?"/"So when they dock they can Scandinavian."

"Why do the French have so many civil wars?"/"So that they can win one."

"Why do the French transport snails without their shells?"/"Less cargo."

"Why do the Japanese smoke before overthrowing the government?"/"They love haikus."

"Why do the police use drug-sniffing dogs rather than sober ones?"

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call it a hot water heater when it actually heats cold water?"

"Why do they call it a World Series when it's always played in the Bronx?"

"Why do they call it parking and not parqueen?"

"Why do they call it Scotch tape if it doesn't taste like Scotch?"

"Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story..."

"Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?"/"Because we’re raised differently."

"Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?"

"Why do they say 'amen' instead of 'awomen' at the end of songs?"/"Because they're hymns, not hers."

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"Why do turkeys always go 'Gobble! Gobble!'?"/"Because they never learned good table manners."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do vampires drink blood?"/"Because coffee keeps them awake all day!"

"Why do vampires drink blood?"/"Root beer makes them burp."

"Why do vegetarians like parallel lines?"/"Because they don’t meat."

"Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?"

"Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces?"

"Why do we color Easter eggs?"/"Because Jesus dyed for your sins."

"Why do we drink water?"/"Because we can't eat it."

"Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?"

"Why do we live in a culture where everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything?"

"Why do we have applesauce and mashed potatoes and not mashed apples and potatosauce?"

"Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?"

"Why do we paint Easter eggs?"/"Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them."

"Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?" (joke)

"Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?"

"Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?"/"Because every play has a cast."

"Why do we use protractors in geometry?"/"Because amateur tractors don't know what they're doing!"

"Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems? Because of their auntie-bodies"

"Why do women park so close to the curb?" (NSFW joke)

"Why do worms taste like chewing gum?"/"Because they're wrigleys."

"Why do writers constantly feel cold?"/"Because they're surrounded by drafts."

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"/"Do we, now?"

"Why does a Frenchman have only one egg in his omelet?" (joke)

"Why does a round pizza come in a square box?"

"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

"Why does anyone need an AR-15 rifle?"

"Why does beer go through your system so fast?" (joke)

"Why does California have the most lawyers and NJ the most toxic waste dumps?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does cheese look sane?"/"Because everything else on the plate is crackers."

"Why does Christmas always come just when the stores are so crowded?"

"Why does cling wrap stick to everything except what you want it to?"

"Why does Congress goes to work with armed security, but your kids go to school in gun-free zones?"

"Why does cooking take like 5 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days"

"Why does cooking take like 6 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days"

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does fried duck get golden, crispy and delicious?"/"The mallard reaction."

"Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?"/"Because it's in the ground state."

"Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 second to take it"

"Why does it take me 452 snacks to realize that I just need to eat dinner?"

"Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?"/"Because they can spend years at C."

"Why does lightning shock people?"/"Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself."

"Why does McDonald's not have a steak sandwich on the menu?"/"Because it would be a McSteak."

"Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'Use By' date?"

"Why does Mr. Potato have a mobile phone?"/"Just in case Mr. Onion rings."

"Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?"

"Why does no one starve in a desert?" (joke)

"Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?"/"Because they have a supreme ruler."

"Why does NY have so many bankers and NJ so many toxic waste dumps?" (banker joke)

"Why does Pornhub even have a share to Google+ button?" (joke)

"Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?"/"Because it soots him."

"Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?"/"Because every buck is dear to him."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger..."

"Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?" (joke)

"Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7 p.m.?"/"Because it’s Crypto-night."

"Why does the baloney fear the slicer?" (politician avoiding a tough interview/debate)

"Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does the Easter bunny drink beer?"/"To get his hops."

"Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?"/"Because tennis too many."

"Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the harbor?"/"Because it can't sit down."

"Why does vegan cheese taste bad?"/"It hasn't been tested on mice."

"Why does your mom taste like a savory?"/"Because she's umami."

"Why doesn't a scarecrow eat?"/"Because he's already stuffed."

"Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?" (joke)

"Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?"/"Because he’s an X-Boxer."

"Why doesn't the sun go to college?"/"Because it has a million degrees."

"Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials?"/"Because nothing about this food is special."

"Why doesn't Tupperware come out with 'spaghetti sauce' colored containers?"

"Why don't ants go to church?"/"Because they're in sects."

"Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?"/"Because they're crab apples."

"Why don't blind people go skydiving?"/"Because it scares the hell out of their dogs."

"Why don't blondes like making Jell-O?"/"They can't fit two cups of water in the little box."

"Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?"/"They can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet."

"Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight?"/"They don't fancy each other."

"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?"/"Because they taste funny!"

"Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?"/"They're too bitter."

"Why don't chickens play baseball?" (joke)

"Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa?"/"Because they make the toys."

"Why don't churches have WiFi?"/"They don't want to compete with an invisible power that works."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't cows ever have any money?"/"Because the farmers milk them dry."

"Why don’t cows work in restaurants?"/"They kept getting tipped."

"Why don't developers carry guns?"/"They have troubleshooting."

"Why don't eggs taste like chicken?"

"Why don't escalators and stairs have music like elevators?"

"Why don't football players wear glasses?"/"Because it's a contact sport."

"Why don't ghosts like rain?"/"It dampens their spirits."

"Why don't government workers stare out the window in the morning?"

"Why don’t hamburger buns get along?"/"There’s always beef between them."

"Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?"/"Twirly."

"Why don't I eat beans? Because it gives migas"

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering"

"Why don't keyboards sleep?"/"Because they have two shifts."

"Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?"/"Nobody will look for them."

"Why don't lions like fast food?" (joke)

"Why don't melons run away to get married?"/"Because they cantaloupe."

"Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?"/"Because the beans fall through the grill."

"Why don't monsters eat ghosts?"/"Because they taste like sheet."

"Why don't orphans play baseball?"/"They don't know where home is."

"Why don't pâtissiers buy cigarettes?"/"Because they profiterole their own."

"Why don't people eat bear meat?"/"It's too gristly."

"Why don’t people get up early in Athens?"/"Because Dawn is tough on Greece."

"Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?"/"‘Scurvy."

"Why don't pirates need lawyers?"/"They prefer to settle through ARRrrrbitration."

"Why don’t seagulls live by the bay?"/"Because then they'd be bagels."

"Why don’t skeletons like Halloween candy?"/"They don’t have the stomach for it."

"Why don’t skeletons play music in church?"/"They have no organs."

"Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas?"/"Because they’re always on the knotty list."

"Why don't the Chinese gamble?"/"Because they don't like Tibet."

"Why don't they allow donkeys in school?"/"Because no one likes a smart ass."

"Why don’t they just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory?"

"Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?"/"Because it makes you break out."

"Why don't vampires gamble?"/"They can't deal with those stakes."

"Why don’t vampires play poker?"/"They are afraid of the stakes."

"Why don't vegans take risks?"/"Because their life could be at steak."

"Why don’t vegetarians hold grudges?"/"Because they never have beef with anyone!"

"Why don’t we take the safety labels off everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?"

"Why don’t white people work on the fourth of July?"/"Because they firecrackers on that day!"

"Why don't you come up and see me sometime?" (Mae West)

"Why don't you eat fish on Thanksgiving?"/"Because Thanksgiving never falls on a fry day."

"Why don't you explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car?"

"Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?"

"Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"/"I don't like to call you at work."

"Why don't you wear snow boots?"/"Because they'll melt."

"Why don't zombies eat ghosts?"/"Because they taste like sheet."

"Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?"

"Why go out for hamburger, when I've got steak at home?"

"Why has no one named Dominick opened a sandwich shop called Dom's Subs?"

"Why hasn’t Bed Bath & Beyond partnered with Beyond Meat so they actually have a beyond section?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?"/"The ghosts are exercising themselves."

"Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?"/"The ghosts are exorcising themselves."

"Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?"/"They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star."

Why I am running

"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 8 9."

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 is a registered 6 offender"

"Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?"/"Because it has four rabbits' feet."

"Why is a colt like an egg?"/"It must be broken before it can be used."

"Why is a dog scared of a fire?"/"It doesn't want to become a hot dog."

"Why is a foot a good Christmas present?"/"Because it's a great stocking filler."

"Why is a ghost such a messy eater?"/"Because he is always a goblin."

"Why is a police dog called a K-9?"/"Because if it was higher it would be a cat."

"Why is a room full of married people empty?"/"Because there's not a single person in it."

"Why is a violist like a terrorist?" (joke)

"Why is America so fat?"/"Because these colors don't run."

"Why is American beer served cold?"/"So you can tell it from urine."

"Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan?"/"Because it has lost its pop."

"Why is apple sauce not called mashed apples and why is mashed potatoes not called potato sauce?"

"Why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time"

"Why is canned Parmesan cheese the most family-friendly?"/"It's always G rated."

"Why is chicken the sexiest meat?"/"Chicken strips."

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?" (joke)

"Why is cow meat called beef, pig meat called pork, and chicken meat just called chicken?"

"Why is ‘dark’ not spelled like ‘darc’?"/"Because you can’t C in the dark!"

"Why is 'dark' spelled with a K and not a C?"/"Because you can’t C in the dark."

"Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?"/"Because it's always on a sundae."

"Why is Europe like a frying pan?"/"Because it has Greece on the bottom."

"Why is every gender equality officer female?"/"Because it's cheaper."

"Why is food better than men?"/"Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds."

"Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?"

"Why is gravity so cheap?"/"Because it's mass-produced."

"Why is ground beef so popular?"/"Because the flying cows are really hard to catch."

"Why is history like a fruit cake?"/"Because it's full of dates."

"Why is it called a break room when it’s full of everyone I need a break from?"

"Why is it called a cheese grater when it removes cheese? Shouldn't it be a cheese lesser?"

"Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?"

"Why is it called a house salad when it's not on the house?"

"Why is it called a 'slice' of bread but a 'piece' of toast?"

"Why is it called a sperm bank and not a cumpany?"

"Why is it called a strip mall when there aren't any strippers?"

"Why is it called a tablespoon when it's not made of tables, nor do you use it to eat tables?"

"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?"

"Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties?"

"Why is it called 'camouflage' and not"

"Why is it called 'rush hour' when your car barely moves?"

"Why is it called Sesame Street"/"They couldn't call it Thyme Square."

"Why is it called sorting out your spice rack and not thyme management?"

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"

"Why is it easy to give a speech to an audience of strippers?" (joke)

"Why is it gayer there? Lindsay's the mayor there, Fun city, fun city, the one city for fun"

"Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?"/"Because their days are numbered."

"Why is it hard to play hide and seek inside a Chinese restaurant?"/"The ducks are always Peking."

"Why is it so easy to get into pirate college?"/"Because you only need the high C's."

"Why is it so hard to insult a communist?"/"They never take things personally."

"Why is it so hard to recognise a pilot?"/"They always travel in disguise."

"Why is it so hard to recognize a pilot?"/"They always travel in disguise."

"Why is it sometimes difficult to carry multiple pickles?"/"They can be cucumbersome."

"Why is it spelled 'camouflage' and not"

"Why is it that our nose runs, but our feet smell?"

"Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains, they're either male or female..."

"Why is it wrong to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff? Because you could have fit 20 of them"

"Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?"

"Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?"/"Because it's all heart."

"Why is melted butter no good?"/"It's rendered useless."

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is milk so fast?"/"Because it's pasteurized before you see it."

"Why is monastery food so greasy?"/"It's cooked by friars."

"Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?"

"Why is NASCAR a white dominated sport?"/"They're all racists."

"Why is New York City called 'The Big Apple?' Wrong answers only" (2021)

"Why is nostalgia like grammar?"/"We find the present tense and the past perfect."

"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"/"Because he never lands."

"Why is Peter Pan such a bad boxer?"/"He never lands."

"Why is Pride month always in the summer?"/"Because Pride cometh before the Fall."

"Why is pride month in the summer?"/"Because pride goeth before the fall."

"Why is programming in Django hard?"/"You can only use two fingers on your left hand."

"Why is Santa Claus immune to COVID-19?"/"Because he has santabodies."

"Why is Spain so good at soccer?"/"Because no one expects the Spanish in position."

"Why is stir fry never cooked on the ocean?"/"Because everyone knows you can't wok on water."

"Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?"/"It's their Yelp rating."

"Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?"/"To minimize casual tees."

"Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?"/"He knows a little ham goes a long way."

"Why is the letter B so cool?"/"Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC."

"Why is the letter 'C' afraid of the rest of the alphabet?"/"All the other letters are Not-Cs."

"Why is a map of Turkey-in-Europe like a dripping pan?"/"Because there is Greece at the bottom."

"Why is the prostitute good with math?"/"Because it's the thot that counts."

"Why is the Second Amendment the only Constitutional right you need a permit to use?"

"Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water?" (riddle)

"Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?"/"Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers."

"Why is there a "D" in fridge, but not refrigerator?"

"Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"/"It's a smart TV."

"Why is there a thing called a grapefruit, when there's a fruit called a grape?"

"Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"

"Why is there kosher salt, but no kosher pepper?"

"Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?" (joke)

"Why is there so much controversy around gays in America, when our own country had four fathers?"

"Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?"

"Why is too much alcohol bad for you?"/"Because that would be too whiskey."

"Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?"/"Because you can really party hearty!"

"Why isn’t a male coffee barista called a baristo?"

"Why isn't Dracula allowed out during COVID?"/"He's always coffin."

"Why isn’t 'female' pronounced like 'tamale'?"

"Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?"/"Because you can't take the lord's name in vein."

"Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?"/"You can only get bronze."

"Why isn't the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?"

"Why isn't there any music in skeleton church?"/"No organs."

"Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills?"

"Why not move the clocks ahead on a Friday around 4PM?"

"Why pay taxes when the government can just print money?"

"Why pay taxes when they can just print money?"

"Why pay taxes when you can just print money?"

"Why pay to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you"

"Why should I signal?" (joke)

"Why should lawyers be buried 20 feet underground?" (lawyer joke)

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?" (prison joke)

"Why should you enjoy the music at the entrance of a hotel?"/"Because it's foyer entertainment."

"Why should you never fight a dinosaur?"/"You'll get jurasskicked."

"Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?"/"You shouldn't press your luck."

"Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?"/"Because he'll dessert you."

"Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?"/"They’re seedy."

"Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?"/"The steaks are too high."

"Why shouldn't you insult an Italian baker?"/"Because he'll beat the focaccia."

"Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?"/"You could get guacoma."

"Why shouldn’t you run while playing bagpipes?"/"You could trip and get kilt."

"Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a cornfield?"/"Because the corn has ears."

"Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?"/"It might crack up."

"Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?"/"Because time will tell."

"Why shouldn’t you trust watermelons?"/"They’re seedy."

"Why steal less when you can steal more?"

"Why the heck do they call it a swimming pool? I mean, it doesn't even swim!"

"Why the heck do underwear and socks come in resealable bags, but potato chips don’t?"

"Why the hell not?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?"/"Because she ran away from the ball."

"Why was Santa Claus sick?"/"He came down with the flue."

"Why was Santa's little helper depressed?"/"Because he had low elf esteem."

"Why was Sarah smiling at the gym?"/"Because Sarah-tonin."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the cannibal expelled from school?"/"Because he was buttering up his teacher."

"Why was the cannibal looking peeky?"/"Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog."

"Why was the cat so small?"/"Because it only ate condensed milk."

"Why was the circle depressed?"/"She thought her life was pointless."

"Why was the computer mad when he got home?"/"Because he had a hard drive."

"Why was the doorway so embarrassed?"/"It saw the weather stripping."

"Why was the elevator mad?"/"Everyone was pushing its buttons."

"Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?"/"He was destroying his calves."

"Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?"/"Because nobody made sandwiches."

"Why was the lawyer home early?"/"Briefcase."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the math book sad?"/"Because it had so many problems."

"Why was the math teacher late for school?"/"He took the rhombus."

"Why was the music teacher angry?"/"Because the kids were always passing notes."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was pot roast sad?"/"Bae leaves."

"Why was the potato coughing?"/"He had tuber-culosis."

"Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet."

"Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet."

"Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?"/"Because it was a cycle path."

"Why was the snowman sad?"/"Because he had a meltdown."

"Why was the student's report card wet?"/"Because his grades were below C-level."

"Why was the tomato blushing?"/"Because he saw the salad dressing."

"Why were the coffee beans upset?"/"Because they got roasted."

"Why were the coffee beans upset?"/"Because they were grounded."

"Why were the twin towers sad?"/"They ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane."

"Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is? Everyone says it's private"

"Why will there never be a coup d'état in Washington, D.C.?" (joke)

"Why won't Facebook sponsor the Metropolitan Museum of Art?"/"Because it's Met-averse."

"Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?"/"Because Batman swore to protect goth ham."

"Why would a thief only rob a bank at noon?"/"Because even the clocks would have their hands up."

"Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things..."

"Why would I argue with an antivaxxer when I can just wait"

"Why would you take a car door to the desert?"/"If you get hot, you can roll the window down."

"Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?"/"Because she has only one arm raised."

"Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things..."

"Why is a salad shooter like the end of a church sermon?"/"Lettuce spray."

"Why's it customary for a woman to cook in a marriage?"/"By law, you have to feed the prisoner."

"Why's the bow-tie pasta afraid to jump off a cliff?"/"Because it's a Farfalle."

"Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?"/"Everybody’s 6 feet away."

Wi-Fried (Wi-Fi + fried)

"Waitress says 'Say when' when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan"

Wichitan (inhabitant of Wichita Falls)

Wicked Hot Chocolate & Wicked Fun Bonbons

Widget (New York World Journal Tribune)

Widow-and-Orphan Stock (Widows'-and-Orphans' Stock)

Wiener (or Weiner; Wienie; Weenie; Wiener Wurst; Wienerwurst; Vienna Sausage)

Wiener Wednesday (Weiner Wednesday)

"Wife and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack"

"Wife: Can you pick up milk?" (joke)

"Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?" (joke)

"Wife has left me because of my fetish with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now"

WiFry (WiFi + fry); WhyFry (WiFi + why + fry)

Wigstock

Wild and Woolly

Wild Art (photo unaccompanied by a story)

"Wild as an acre of snakes"

"Wild Turkey is my spirit animal"

Wild West (Wild Wild West)

Wildcat Bank (Wildcat Money)

Wilding ("Central Park Jogger" incident)

"While I was running today, I heard someone clapping. It was my thighs cheering me on"

"Will -- A dead giveaway"

"Will I be able to play the banjo after surgery?" (joke)

"Will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" (joke)

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System (Microsoft "Windows" backronym)

"Will work for food"

William ("bill" at a fancy restaurant)

Williamsburg Jazz Festival

Williamsburger (inhabitant of Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

"Willingly Overlooking Known Evil" ("woke" backronym)

WillyB, Billyburg, Billburg, B-burg (Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

Wimberleyite (inhabitant of Wimberley)

"Win in a walk" (horse racing slang)

"Win on Sunday, sell on Monday" (auto racing adage)

"Win or go home"

"Win tonight, look good next time" (boxing adage)

"Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us..."

Wind City, USA (Roscoe nickname)

Wind Energy Capital of Texas (McCamey nickname)

Windham: Gem of the Catskills (nickname)

Windham: Land in the Sky (nickname)

Windmill Dunk (basketball shot)

Window Dressing

"Window or aisle?"/"Window or you'll what?"

Window-shopping

"Windows are a pane in the glass"

"Windows is a pane in the glass"

"Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work"

Windsor Stew

Windy City, 2006 Update: Encyclopedia of Chicago "Windy City" entry

Windy City (Port Elizabeth, South Africa nickname)

Windy City (Wellington, New Zealand nickname)

Windy Wellington (Wellington, New Zealand nickname)

Wine Bar

"Wine consumed as comfort drink is an emotional sup port beverage"

"Wine corks are for quitters"

"Wine, dine and pocket-line"

"Wine, dine and sixty-nine"

"Wine + dinner = winner"

"Wine flies when you're having fun"

"Wine -- How classy people get wasted"

Wine Ice Cream

"Wine improves with age -- I improve with wine"

"Wine in, whine out"

"Wine is bottled poetry" ("Wine is poetry in a bottle")

"Wine is cheaper than therapy"

"Wine is divine"

"Wine is karaoke fuel"

"Wine is like a hug in a glass"

"Wine is the best lip stain"

"Wine is win with an 'e' on the end"

"Wine makes me happy. You, not so much"

"Wine makes Wednesdays wonderful"

"Wine me up and watch me go"

"Wine (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Wine O'Clock

Wine Pawning

Wine Root Stock Capital of the World (Denison nickname)

Wine Wednesday

"Wine Wednesday: like a little holiday in the middle of the week"

"Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos"

"Wineaux: A wine lover who uses a glass"

Winesday Wednesday

Winespeak

Wing Wednesday

Wingery (Buffalo wings + eatery)

Wingnut (Wing Nut)

WingNutDaily (WorldNetDaily or WND nickname)

Wingtard (wingnut + retard)

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner"

"Winners are grinners and losers can make their own arrangements"

"Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners"

"Winners have parties, losers have meetings"

"Winners train, losers complain" (exercise adage)

"Winning is a trophy, failing is an education"

"Winning is the best deodorant" (sports adage)

"Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything"

"Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing"

"Winning takes care of everything"

"Winning Ugly" (Texas Rangers manager Doug Rader)

"Winning without honor is worse than a loss"

"Winning without honor, is worse than a resounding defeat"

WiNo (Williamsburg North)

"Wins in April are just as important as wins in September" (baseball adage)

"Winter is coming. Don't forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on..."

"Winter is coming. Don’t forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on…"

"Winter is stupid"

"Winter is the only season that comes twice a year"

"Winter means double the coffee"

"Winter: My new excuse for drinking more coffee"

"Winter Storm Warning! Be careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend"

"Winter Storm Warning! Careful who you take home tonight. You could be stuck with them all weekend"

Winter Texan

Winterval (winter + festival)

Winterval (winter+ festival)

Wire House (Wirehouse)

Wirus (variant pronunciation of "virus")

Wisconsin: America's Dairyland (nickname)

"Wisdom is knowing the right path to take. Integrity is taking it"

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it"

Wise Latina

"Wise Men Fish Here" (Gotham Book Mart)

"Wise old owl" poem

Wisenheimer

"Wish I were king, so I could fix what's wrong with democracy"

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other"

Wish Sandwich

"Wish you were beer"

Wishbone Offense (football formation)

Wishbone (Wish Bone; Wishing Bone)

"Wishing you a holly jolly whatever doesn't offend your bitch ass"

"Witch better have my candy"

Witch of Wall Street

"Witch parking only. All others will be toad"

"Witch you were here"

"With a few exceptions, the best players are also the hardest workers"

"With a name like Texas Instruments you'd think they would've made guitars, banjos, fiddles..."

"With all this stress eating, I’ll be at 270 before either candidate will be"

"With capitalism, you work or starve. With communism, you work and starve"

"With chains like Burger King, Dairy Queen, and White Castle, we need a peasant themed fast food"

"With enough coffee, even a Monday looks good"

"With everything going on, you’d think America is cursed or something. Like it was built on..."

"With Google Earth, people can see any place on the globe. But we just look up our homes"

"With grape powder comes grape responsibility"

"With grate power comes grate responsibility" (cheese grater pun)

"With great power comes great electricity bill"

"With great reflexes comes great response ability"

"With ice cream, anything is popsicle"

"With little tea and just rice for all" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"With liver tea" (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)

"With money, Latin and a good horse, you can get through all Europe"

"With organic whiskey, one may attain the stupornatural"

"With the end of daylight saving time, we can all enjoy watching the sun set as we eat lunch"

"With this coffee and many, many refills...I shall overcome Monday"

"Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist. It would be IX/XI instead"

"Without coffee, I wouldn't be the perky, foul-mouthed, delightful person that I am"

"Without coffee, there would be darkness and chaos"

"Without cops, politicians would just be guys with bad opinions"

"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible"

"Without Facebook I would forget 90% of my friend's birthdays"

"Without freedom of speech, we would never know who the idiots are"

"Without freedom of speech, we wouldn't know who the idiots are"

"Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house"

"Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf"

Witness (1998): Washington Post writer Shirley Povich

"Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone"

"Wizard of Moving" (Oz Moving & Storage)

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous..." (joke)

"Welcome to social media. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly"

We Need Your Cash (WNYC nickname)

Wok Chi (wok energy)

Wok Hei ("the breath of a wok")

"Woke (adj.): A state of awareness only achieved by those dumb enough to find injustice..."

Woke Capitalism

"Woke up early enough to get to the gym and have an amazing workout..."

"Woke up this morning with a dead leg. Haven’t got a clue who's it is"

Wolf of Wall Street

Woman's Vitamin or Women's Vitamin (Pyridoxine or Vitamin B6 nickname)

"Women are like bacon. They look good, smell good, taste good and slowly kill men"

"Women are like bacon: We look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you"

"Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button..."

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has bacon"

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has coffee"

"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has food"

"Women cook, men grill"

"Women go to the theatre and men are brought there" (theatre adage)

"Women shop, men buy"

"Women speak softly and carry a big statistic"

"Women today are like the weather in Texas. You will never understand them"

"Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it"

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition"

Womenomics (women + economics)

"Women's rights are human rights"

"Women’s sport is not a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women's sport is now a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women's sports are not a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Women’s sports should not be a retirement plan for failed male athletes"

"Won not done"

Wonder City of the World

Wonderfilled (filled cookies)

Wonk ("fork" with one prong/tine)

Wonton Egg Drop Soup

"Wontons are just Chinese ravioli"

"Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now?"

Woodsider (inhabitant of Woodside, Queens)

Woodstock of Gaming (QuakeCon in Dallas)

Wop Salad

"Worcestershire sauce is just American soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just British soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just the white man's soy sauce"

"Worcestershire sauce is just white people's soy sauce"

"Word on the street is, this is a bus only lane"

"Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me"

"Words cannot express how much I hate emojis"

"Words have wings, so speak good things"

"Words In Steps Do Open Minds" ("wisdom" backronym)

"Words mean things"

"Work eight hours, sleep eight hours--but not the same hours" (T. Boone Pickens?)

"Work ever kick your ass so bad that you drive the speed limit home with no music playing?"

"Work ever kick your ass so bad that you just drive home in silence?"

"Work for a cause, not for applause"

"Work hard. Be kind. Eat bacon"

"Work hard in silence; let success make the noise"

"Work hard, put the hours in, and the boss will have an even better car next year"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Work is for those who don't know what fishing is!"

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow"

"Work is unnatural. Man's true purpose is to chill on his phone"

Work Island (Manhattan)

"Work not to look good, but to make others look bad" (workout adage)

"Work on the business, not in the business"

"Work one's tail off"

"Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Work. Save. Travel. Repeat"

"Work Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return"

"Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself"

"Work until you no longer need to introduce yourself"

"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number"

"Work until your idols become your rivals"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work will win when wishing won't"

Workaholic

"Worked late, went to the gym, ran 10 miles on the treadmill and became a great liar"

"Working 9 to wine"

"Working 9 to wine"

Wrecking Families Party (Working Families Party nickname)

"Working from 9 to wine"

"Working from 9 to wine"

"Working from nine to wine"

"Working from nine to wine"

Working Girl

"Working hard or hardly working?"

"Working nine to wine"

"Working nine to wine"

"Working on making my second million dollars. Gave up on the first million"

"Working out is like a drug to me. I don’t do drugs"

"Working towards satisfaction will make you a legend"

"Working with academics is like herding cats" (education adage)

Workout Warrior

World Capital of Capital (World Capital of Capitalism)

"World Changers Shaped Here" (SMU slogan)

World Demonic Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Elite Fascists (World Economic Forum of WEF nickname)

"World Ends: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit" (NY Times headline joke)

World Enslavement Fascists (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Enslavement Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Epstein Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Eugenics Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Evil Force (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Evil Forum (World Economic Forum or WEF nickname)

World Harm Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Hell Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Hoax Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Holocaust Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Homicide Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World Horror Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

"World peace begins with your turn signal"

"World peace begins in the kitchen"

"World peace starts with using your turn signal"

"World Peace Through Tex-Mex" (El Mercado slogan)

World Theft Organization (World Trade Organization or WTO nickname)

World Trade Center Cough

World Trade Center; Twin Towers

WorldNutDaily (WorldNetDaily or WND nickname)

World's Fair (1853, 1939-40, 1964-65)

World's Greatest Ballroom or World's Most Famous Ballroom (Roseland Ballroom)

World's Greatest Deliberative Body (U.S. Senate nickname)

"World's Greatest Hamburgers" (Fuddruckers slogan)

World's Greatest Stage (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

World's Horrible Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

World's Largest Hotel Lobby (San Antonio River Walk nickname)

"World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (Georgia Bulldogs vs. Florida Gators)

"World's Largest Store" (Macy's)

World's Longest Parking Lot (Long Island Expressway)

World's Longest Stage (Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade)

World's Most Famous Arena (Madison Square Garden nickname)

World's Most Famous Christmas Tree

"World's Most Popular Hotel" (Hotel Pennsylvania)

World's Richest Acre (oil-rich acre in Kilgore)

World's Second Home

World's Toughest Boat Race (Texas Water Safari)

"Worms in apples has been less of a problem than what we expected as kids"

"Worries go down better with ice cream"

"Worries go down better with soup than without"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due"

"Worry is like a rocking chair -- it doesn't get you anywhere"

"Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace"

"Worrying is like praying for something that you don't want to happen"

"Worst Bar-B-Q in Texas" (Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q slogan)

Worst Boston (First Boston nickname)

"Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from"

Worst Health Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

Worst Lady (worst + first lady)

Worst (W subway line)

WorstJet (WestJet nickname)

"Worth Every Penny" (Jack's 99-cent stores)

Wossamotta U or Whatsamatta U (fictional university)

"Would a nutcracker with no arms or legs be considered a crackhead?"

"Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree?"/"No, but an applewood."

"Would the fans along the outfield railing please remove their clothes?"

"Would the makers of a movie about a flat earth accept a Golden Globe award?"

"Would you buy a used car from this man?"

"Would you like a glass of water?"/"I'm thirsty, not dirty."

"Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

"Would you like to hear the world's best Aggie joke?" (Aggie joke)

"Would you like to hear today's special?" (restaurant joke)

"Would you like to see a model home?"/"Sure! When does she get off work?"

"Would you like to share a cab?" (joke)

"Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called 'Headmaster?'"

"Wow.. bars, clubs, and gyms all closed? My life is about to seriously be exactly the same"

"Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple!" (BoJack Horseman episode, 2016)

"Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple!" (BoJack Horseman episode, 2016)

Wow Boys or Wowboys (Dallas Cowboys nickname)

Wow Factor

"'Wow, the Lean Cuisine really filled me up!' said no one ever"

Wrap (sandwich)

Wrappetizer (wrap + appetizer)

"Wrapping presents is folding laundry’s asshole cousin"

"Wrapping presents is the folding laundry of Christmas"

Wrap-up Smear

"Wreck 'em, Tech" (Texas Tech)

Wrecking Crew (Texas A&M football defense)

Wreckovery (wreck + economic recovery)

"Wrestling is a sport where people without pants fight for a belt"

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous"

"Write drunk, edit sober"

"Write two letters" (blaming predecessor joke)

"Writing a daily column is like being married to a nymphomaniac"

WROL (Without Rule Of Law)

Wrong Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Failroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Railroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wronghorns (satire of UT "Longhorns" nickname)

Wrongnado (wrong + tornado)

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

"WTF do you unemployed people do all fucking day? I'm going insane" (quarantine)

WTF (Welcome To Florida)

WTF (Where's The Food)

"WTF Where's The Frybread"

"WTF -- Wine Tasting Friends"

Wuhan Health Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

Wunch of Bankers

"WWE is just redneck anime"

WWG1WGA (Where We Go One, We Go All)

Wyoming: Gaslight Village (nickname)

Wyoming Ketchup (liquor)

"[X] walks into a bar...and lowers it" (bar joke)

XIT City (Dalhart nickname)

XYZ Buildings

"Y" (Chicago Municipal Device)

"Y did the chicken X the road? Solve for Y"

Ya-ka-mein

Yachtzee (yacht + Yahtzee)

"Yada, Yada, Yada" ("Yadda, Yadda, Yadda"; "Yatata, Yatata, Yatata")

YAI Central Park Challenge

Yaka Mein

Yakisoba (Japanese stir-fried noodles)

Yakitori (Japanese skewered chicken)

Yale (cocktail)

Y'all

"Y'all better eat the damn black eyed peas this year!"

"Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?"

"Y’all ever notice that the Washington Monument looks absolutely NOTHING like George Washington??"

"Y'all ever tried driving the speed limit and thought they can't be serious"

"Y’all ever tried going the speed limit and thought they can’t be serious????"

"Y’all ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you..."

"Y'all knew summer was coming and y'all just kept eating"

"Y'all know what's never been recalled because of E-coli? Wine"

Y'all Mahal (Dallas Cowboys Stadium in Arlington)

"Y'all went from sheep to lab rats"

YallQaeda or Y'all Qaeda (y'all + al-Qaeda)

Yamboree

Yankee Bond

Yankee Burger (hamburger with ketchup)

Yankee Dime (a kiss)

"Yankee, go home!"

Yankee Stadium Big Boy (Mike's Deli sandwich)

Yankee Stadium was the first "stadium" (myth)

Yankees (American League baseball team)

Yankees of Chess (Hunter College Campus Schools & Murrow HS)

Yankees (Staten Island baseball team); Baby Bombers

Yannigan

Yappian Way (Broadway)

Yaptown-on-the-Hudson

Yashkin Street (Orchard Street)

"Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining"

"Yay, it's Friday! Oh wait, I'm a realtor"

"'Yay! It's the weekend!' Said nobody who works in a restaurant"

"Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad"

"Yea, I'm in a cult. We brainwash people to think for themselves"

"Yeah. I'm down for a two party system, the party and the after party"

"Years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs" (joke)

"Years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash" (joke)

"Yeast breads are made from fungus farts"

"Yeast makes bread fluffy by eating sugar and filling it with fungus farts"

Yeehaw (Yee-ha; Yee-haw)

Yeehawd (yeehaw + jihad); Yeehawdist (yeehaw + jihadist)

Yellen Call or Yellen Covered Call

Yellow Blanket on a Dead Cow (cheeseburger)

Yellow Brick Brewery (old Metropolitan Opera House at 39th Street)

Yellow Dog or Yellow Dawg or Yaller Dawg (gold nickname)

Yellow Journalism

Yellow Knight

Yellow Velvet (corn and squash dish)

Yelper (Yelp user); Anti-Yelp (Taste Savant nickname)

Yentervention (Yen + intervention)

"Yes, break-ups suck, but have you ever left your to-go box on the table at a restaurant?"

"Yes, but I still love you more than I love basketball" (sports joke)

"Yes. I'd like to report some people not living in fear"

"Yes, it is."/"Is time travel possible?"

Yes Man

Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up ("U.S. Army" backronym, backwards)

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

"Yes! We Have No Bananas"

"YESSSSS!"

"Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester"

"Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday"

"Yesterday I wanted coffee. Now I'm drinking coffee. Follow your dreams, people"

"Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note"

"Yesterday's eyeliner can be today's smokey eye if you just believe in yourself"

"Yesterday's meatloaf is tomorrow's sloppy joe"

Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle ("Yahoo!" backronym)

Yiddish Broadway or Yiddish Rialto (Second Avenue in Manhattan)

YIMBY (Yes In My Back Yard)

Yippie

"Yttrium barium copper oxide walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?" (joke)

"Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic -- available for curbside pickup"

"Yo mama is so dark, she went to night school and was marked absent"

"Yo mama is so dumb, she passed by the YMCA and said hey, they spelled MACYs wrong"

"Yo mama is so dumb, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball"

"Yo mama is so dumb, she uses Old Spice for cooking"

"Yo' mama is so dumb, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran out with a spoon"

"Yo mama is so fat, her alphabet starts with O. OBCD"

"Yo mama is so fat, people jog around her for exercise"

"Yo mama is so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks"

"Yo mama is so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says, `OK!'"

"Yo mama is so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops"

"Yo mama is so fat, the government cancelled her for being a mass gathering"

"Yo mama is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house"

"Yo mama is so fat, when she was in school she sat next to everybody"

"Yo mama is so fat, when she went skydiving she caused an eclipse"

"Yo mama is so fat, when she went skydiving she caused an eclipse"

"Yo mama is so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs"

"Yo mama is so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas"

"Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a super spoon for the Super Bowl"

"Yo mama is so stupid, she plays solitaire for cash"

"Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew"

"Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order"

"Yo mama is so ugly, she can make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk"

"Yo mama is so ugly, she went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck"

"Yo mama is so ugly, the NHL banned her for life"

"Yo mama's so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk"

"Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the 99-cent store"

"Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team"

"Yo no soy antisistema, el sistema es anti yo" ("I am not anti-system. The system is anti-me")

"Yoga class? I thought you said 'pour a glass'"

"Yoga is a Sanskrit word which means 'just try not to fart'"

"Yoga is just trying not to fart while stretching"

"Yoga is my favorite way to pretend to work out"

"Yoga is single player Twister"

"Yoga is spending an hour trying not to fart"

"Yoga pants are the bacon of clothing"

"Yoga pants: The bacon of clothing"

"Yogurt is just breakfast pudding"

Yokelhoma or Yokelahoma (Oklahoma nickname)

YOLOMAWMIT (You Only Live Once, Might As Well Make It Tasty)

Yomentum ("yo" or "yes" momentum)

Yonkers: Little Apple (nickname)

Yonkers: Sixth Borough (nickname)

Yoo Hoo (soft drink and slang phrase)

Yoots or Yutes (youths)

"York peppermint patties are chocolate covered toothpaste"

"York Peppermint Patties are grown up Junior Mints"

"York Peppermint Patties are just giant Junior Mints"

"York Peppermint Patties are just large Junior Mints, or Senior Mints"

Yorkvillian (inhabitant of Yorkville, Manhattan)

"You ain't from Texas, are ya?" (Dr. Phil McGraw)

"You ain't no Muslim, bruv"

You Always Have Other Options ("Yahoo!" backronym)

"You are a beautiful cupcake in a world full of muffins"

"You are [acute] [tea] [pi]" (a cutie pie)

"You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk"

"You are at your most vulnerable when you have just scored" (soccer adage)

"You are being conditioned to give up your rights every time there's a crisis"

"You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more"

"You are never more than a few feet away from a rat"

"You are never too important to be hanged for treason"

"You are not a loan"

"You are not experiencing high call volume. You are experiencing low customer service staffing"

"You are not fat. You have fat. 'Fat' does not define you"

"You are not fat. You have fat. There is a difference"

"You are not fat. You have fat. You also have fingernails. You are not fingernails"

"You are not fat. You have fat. You also have toes. You are not toes"

"You are not illiterate" (fortune cookie message)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm"

"You are not stuck in traffic. You are traffic"

"You are now free to move about the country" (Southwest Airlines)

"You are only as sick as your secrets"

"You are only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on & the friends you roll with"

"You are the carbon they want to eliminate"

"You are the carbon they want to reduce"

"You are the Monday of my life"

"'You are what you eat.' I don't remember eating a big disappointment"

"'You are what you eat.' I don't remember eating a disappointment"

"'You are what you eat.' I don't remember eating a huge disappointment"

"'You are what you eat.' I don't remember eating a massive disappointment"

"You are what you eat."/"I need to eat a skinny person."

"You are what you eat -- minus what you excrete"

"You are what you eat, so cannibals are real people persons"

"You are what you eat. So don't be fast, cheap, easy or fake"

"You are what you tweet"

"You are what your record says you are"

"You are who you pretend to be (in politics)"

"You are your best career adviser"

"You are your child's first teacher"

"You aren't a true champion until you successfully defend your title"

"You aren't going to get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have"

"You aren't meant to be understood by everyone. You're meant to blow some minds and break belief..."

"You aren’t necessarily what you eat. If you eat a vegetarian, you probably are not a vegetarian"

"You become a libertarian when you realize that it’s wrong to hurt people and take their stuff"

"You become dangerous to the enemy when you are fully awake to God"

"You belong here/We belong here" (Barclays Center Plaza sign)

"You booze, you lose"

"You boys line up, alphabetically according to your height" (sports manager jocular speech)

"You bring the alcohol, I'll bring the bad decisions"

"You bring the beer, I'll bring the bad decisions"

"You bring the booze, I'll bring the bad decisions"

"You bring the tequila, I'll bring the bad decisions"

"You bring the wine, I'll bring the bad decisions"

"You call it coffee. I call it my emotional support beverage"

"You call me 'Far Right' when you should be calling me 'Right so Far'"

"You call me paranoid. I call you uninformed"

"You call them calories. I call them delicious points"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally bake a cake"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make a cake"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make a crème brûlée"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make a pizza"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make a sandwich"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make a soufflé"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can't accidentally make food"

"You can accidentally make a baby, but you can’t accidentally make fries"

"You can accidentally make a human life, but not a pizza"

"You can accidentally make a person, but you can't accidentally make a pizza"

"You can all come out now. I've had my coffee"

"You can also do work the day after tomorrow. Be lazy. Think crazy"

"You can always tell a dogwood by its bark"

"You can always tell a Texan -- but you can't tell him much"

"You can be a night owl AND an early bird if your sleep schedule's fucked enough"

"You can be a night owl AND an early bird if your sleep schedule's messed up enough"

"You can be as polite as you want. The state will still fucking kill you"

"You can be right, or you can be rich"

"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world & there's still somebody who hates peaches"

"You can beat a race, but you can't beat the races"

"You can best serve civilization by being against what usually passes for it"

"You can board a train at dawn and, twenty-four hours later, still be in Texas"

"You can borrow for college, but not for retirement"

"You can build a throne with bayonets, but it's difficult to sit on it"

"You can buy a half chicken at Whole Foods"

"You can buy education, but wisdom is a gift from God"

"You can buy half a chicken at Whole Foods"

"You can catch more flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys being fly"

"You can catch more flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly"

"You can change a cucumber into a pickle, but you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber"

"You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart"

"You can do it. -- Coffee"

"You can do it. -- Tequila"

"You can do it. -- Vodka"

"You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both"

"You can either trust the government or you can understand history, but you can't do both"

"You can enjoy pizza with 3 friends if 3 of them are sleeping"

"You can expect what you inspect" (management adage)

"You can feel sore tomorrow, or you can feel sorry tomorrow -- you choose"

"You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough"

"You can get a man with face powder, but it takes baking powder to keep him"

"You can get any politician to vote for anything if you buy him a big enough steak"

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word"

"You can give them a job layng down and they'll stand up to quit"

"You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard"

YOU CAN HELP! REALLY!!

"You can judge a lot about a restaurant by how they maintain their restrooms"

"You can judge a man by his shoes" (fashion adage)

"You can kiss my ass in Macy's window"

"You can legally park in a handicap spot if you get back with your ex more than 2 times"

"You can literally go the rest of your life without eating"

"You can live three weeks without food, three days without water, but not a moment without hope"

"You can love your country without having to love your government"

"You can make anything out of lignin, except money"

"You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular"

"You can never be sure how many beers you had last night" (Heineken Uncertainty Principle)

"You don't buy beer, you just rent it"

"You can never have too much pitching" (baseball adage)

"You can observe a lot by watching"

"You can only say 'WTF' so many times a day until you decide to start drinking"

"You can play a shoestring if you're sincere"

"You can play hurt, but you can't play injured" (sports adage)

"You can pray all you want, but eventually David had to pick up a stone and act against Goliath"

"You can pretend to care, but you can't pretend to be there"

"You can put 30 different fruits in a smoothie, but put a banana in and it's a banana smoothie"

"You can put literally any topping other than cheese on a hamburger and it's still a hamburger"

"You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits"

"You can rob a bank with a gun, but you can rob the world with a bank"

"You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah"

"You can run into debt, but you have to crawl out"

"You can say 'have a nice day,' but 'enjoy the next 24 hours' sounds threatening"

"You can say 'have a nice day,' but 'enjoy your next 24 hours' sounds threatening"

"You can shoot a man with impunity, but you'd better not steal his cow"

"You can skate a skateboard and surf a surfboard, but you can’t snow a snowboard"

"You Can Smell Our Pits From Miles Away" & "I Got Sauced at the Lick" (The Salt Lick Bar-B-Que)

"You can steal my memes if you want. But I lick every one of them before I post them"

"You can take a boy out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of a boy"

"You can take that to the bank and smoke it"

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans"

"You can tell a lot about a person by what the order at a restaurant when someone else is paying"

"You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own"

"You can tell Santa is a man because no woman would ever wear the same outfit every year"

"You can tell who's winnin' by who's whinin'" (Ross Perot)

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out"

"You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face"

"You can throw the records out the window" (rivalry games are always competitive)

"You can train hard or you can train long, but you can't do both"

"You can trust a dog to guard your house, but never trust a dog to guard your sandwich"

"You can trust your car to the man who wears the star" (Texaco ad jingle)

"You can trust your dog to guard your house, but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich"

"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish"

"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish"

"You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife’s birthday"

"You can understand history or you can trust the state. You can’t do both"

"You can vaccinate the entire planet, but you can't feed the starving?"

"You can vax the entire planet, but you can't feed the starving?"

"You can vote your way into communism, but you have to shoot your way out"

"You can vote your way into socialism, but you have to shoot your way out"

"You can wake up sore or you can wake up sorry"

"You cannot be serious!" (John McEnroe)

"You cannot claim alcohol as a dependent on your taxes"

"You cannot comply your way out of systemic racism"

"You cannot comply your way out of tyranny"

"You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek"

"You cannot inject health"

"You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass"

"You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass"

"You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it"

"You cannot pretend to play the air guitar"

"You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb"

"You cannot put a crown on a clown and expect him to behave like a king"

"You can't sell from an empty wagon"

"You cannot separate church and state when the state is your church"

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist"

"You cannot use all-purpose flour for all purposes"

"You cannot wake up someone who is only pretending to be asleep" (political proverb)

"You can't be right by doing wrong; you can't be wrong by doing right"

"You can't be sad when you're holding a cupcake"

"You can't be too rich or too thin"

"You can't beat a horse with no horse" (political adage)

"You can't beat somebody with nobody"

"You can't beat what you can't catch"

"You can't BS a BSer" ("You can't bullshit a bullshitter")

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do"

"You can't build with someone who ain't trying to help you carry the bricks"

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it"

"You can't catch a walk" (baseball adage)

"You can't coach speed" ("You can't coach height")

"You can't comply your way out of totalitarianism"

"You can't con a con man"

"You can't cook with cold grease"

"You can't cook with cold grease" (boxing adage)

"You can't do today's job with yesterday's tools and still be in business tomorrow"

"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning"

"You can't eat decor"

"You can't eat gold (or silver)"

"You can't eat just one" ("Betcha can't eat just one")

"You can't eat like a bird and poop like an elephant" (trading adage)

"You can't eat relative performance" (Wall Street proverb)

"You can't evict an idea" (Occupy Wall Street slogan)

"You can't expect to look like a million bucks if you eat from the dollar menu"

"You can't fake desperation (sports adage)

"You can't fall if you don't climb. But there's no joy in living your whole life on the ground"

"You can't fax a handshake"

"You can't fight city hall" (proverb)

"You can't fire 25 players, so you fire the manager"

"You can't fire a cannon from a canoe"

"You can't fire me -- I quit!"

"You can't fire the owner" (sports adage)

"You can't fix stupid"

"You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out"

"You can't fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day"

"You can't fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on social media every day"

"You can't fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Twitter every day"

"You can't fix stupid, but you can watch that shit all day long at work"

"You can't fix stupid. Not even with duct tape"

"You can't fool an aborted baby because it wasn't born yesterday"

"You can't fool an aborted fetus. It wasn't born yesterday"

"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good"

"You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom"

"You can't give a major league team four outs" (baseball adage)

"You can’t give away a used mattress but somehow we’ll pay 100/night to sleep on one at a hotel"

"You can’t give away a used mattress but somehow we’ll pay 300/night to sleep on one at a hotel"

"You can't go wrong with bricks and mortar"

"You can't have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage work ethic"

"You can't have your Kate and Edith, too"

"You can't hit a three-run homer with nobody on base" (baseball adage)

"You can't hit what you can't catch"

"You can't hit what you can't see"

"You can’t inject health"

"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution"

"You can't keep a good man down"

"You can't keep a good market down"

"You can’t learn to swim by reading a book"

"You can’t learn to swim in a library"

"You can't leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution"

"You can't legislate morality/common sense/prosperity"

"You can't live a full life on an empty stomach"

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can't repay you"

"You can’t make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small s."

"You can't make a Hamlet without breaking eggs"

"You can't make a Hamlet without breaking egos"

"You can't make a Hamlet without breaking legs"

"You can't make a soufflé rise twice"

"You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit"

"You can't make everybody happy. You're not a Nutella jar"

"You can't make half a sandwich"

"You can't make the club in the tub" (sports adage)

"You can't out-exercise a bad diet"

"You can't outrun a fart on a treadmill"

"You can't outrun a Motorola"

"You can't pick cherries with your back to the tree"

"You can't pick your friends' noses"

"You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany"

"You can't play boxing" ("You don't play boxing")

"You can't pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first"

"You can't predict baseball" (baseball adage)

"You can't push a string" (economics adage)

"You can't push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back"

"You can't put a crown on a clown and expect a king"

"You can't reform fascism"

"You can't ride two horses with one behind"

"You can't say Dallas doesn't love you, Mr. President" (Nellie Connally)

"You can't script October" (baseball adage)

"You can't see the future through a rear view mirror"

"You can’t set a Hallmark movie in Texas. Unexpected snow isn’t magical down here"

"You can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow isn’t magical down here"

"You can’t spell 'automaton' without 'tomato'"

"You can't spell earth without art"

"You can't spell 'healthcare' without THC"

"You can't spell heart without art"

"You can't spell paint without pain"

"You can't spell painting without pain"

"You can't spell 'pharma' without 'harm'"

"You can't spell 'pharma" without the word 'harm'"

"You can't spell 'pharmaceutical' without 'harm'"

"You can't spell 'pharmacy' without 'harm'"

"You can’t spell quarantine without 'u r a q t'" (pickup line)

"You can't spell sausage without U.S.A."

"You can't spell sausage without usage"

"You can't spell subtext without buttsex"

"You can't spell virus without U and I" (pickup line)

"You can't spell virus without us" (pickup line)

"You can't spend your way to prosperity" ("You can't borrow your way to prosperity")

"You can't spend yourself rich"

"You can't spend yourself rich and you can't vote yourself free"

"You can't steal first base" (baseball adage)

"You can't steal second base while your foot is on first base"

"You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him"

"You can't swing a dead cat in Austin without hitting a musician"

"You can't take a second drink unless you have taken a first"

"You can't take something off the Internet, It's like taking pee out of a pool"

"You can't take it with you"

"You can't take the honky tonk out of the girl"

"You can't teach scoring" (sports adage)

"You can't tell the players without a score card"

"You can't hit and think at the same time" (baseball saying)

"You can't vote yourself free"

"You can't walk your way off the island" (Dominican baseball adage)

"You can't win a championship shooting jumpers" (basketball adage)

"You can't win them all"

"You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game" (Ginsberg's Theorem)

"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time"

"You come from dust, you return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know"

"You comply because you want it to end, but it doesn’t end because you comply"

"You comply because you want it to end, but it's because of your compliance that it may never end"

"You comply because you want it to end, but it's because of your compliance that it will never end"

"You could give them a job laying down and they'll get up and quit"

"You could give them a job sleeping and they'll wake up and quit"

"You could save more lives by taking pens away from politicians than by taking guns away..."

"You could stand to lose 5 pounds...but running is more effective"

"You: 'Curly fries.' Me, an intellectual: 'Rotatoes'"

"You deserve whatever happens to you on a pogo stick"

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head"

"You do not suspend freedom for the greater good. Freedom is the greater good"

"You don't believe you've been lied to and brainwashed because...you've been lied to"

"You don't build a church for Easter Sunday"

"You don't choose boxing; boxing chooses you"

"You don't critique a win" (hockey adage)

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"

"You don't get a body like mine overnight. It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon"

"You don't get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what's eating you"

"You don't get what you deserve -- you get what you negotiate"

"You don't grow out of Legos, you just graduate to Ikea"

"You don't have a valentine for Valentine's Day? I don't have a groundhog for Groundhog Day"

"You don't have much of a case" (damaged luggage joke)

"You don’t have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps"

"You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"

"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great"

"You Don't Have To Be Jewish" (Levy's Jewish Rye)

"You don't have to eat less. You just have to eat right"

"You don't have to get it right. You just have to get it going"

"You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here" (bar saying at closing time)

"You don't have to like me. I'm not a Facebook status"

"You don't have to stay up nights to succeed; you have to stay awake days"

"You don’t inspire others by being perfect. You inspire them by how you deal with imperfections"

"You don't know broke until you've rinsed off a paper plate"

"You don't know poor until you've rinsed off a paper plate"

"You don't learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing and falling over"

"You don't lose your job due to injury" (sports adage)

"You don't need a parachute to skydive" (joke)

"You don't need a silver fork to eat good food"

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows"

"You don’t need analysts in a bull market, and you don’t want them in a bear market"

"You don't need committees to solve things. Just find two women on an evening fitness walk"

"You don't need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by your imperfection"

"You don't pay taxes. They take taxes"

"You don't put robbers to work in a bank"

"You don’t realize how hard you chew until you bite the inside of your cheek"

"You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts..."

"You don't really need a pilot's license, What are they going to do, pull you over?"

"You don't recruit JuCos to sit on the bench" (college football adage)

"You don't truly understand how ugly the world is until you’re trying to protect your child"

"You don't truly understand how ugly the world is until you’re trying to protect your children"

"You don't unite with evil. You defeat it"

"You don't want to be the coach who follows the legend" (coaching adage)

"You don't win friends with salad"

"You don't win silver -- you lose gold"

"You earn your trophies at practice. You pick them up at competitions"

"You eat chicken nuggets, but you refuse a vaccine because you don’t know what's in it"

"You eat hot dogs your entire life, but refuse a vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it"

"You eat sausages your whole life, but you refuse vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it"

"You either understand history or you trust the government. You can't do both"

"You ever had a really long week and then realize it's Thursday?"

"You ever had a really long week and then realize it's Wednesday?"

"You ever hit a pothole so hard you apologize to your car?"

"You ever pay bills SO MUCH that when you have money left over you be like... WTF I forget to pay?"

"You ever try to breath quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you..."

"You found out the world doesn’t revolve around you. Let me pour you a tall glass of get over it"

"You furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war" (Spanish-American War)

"You get what you get and you don't get upset"

"You get what you pay for"

"You go to Los Angeles to become somebody; you go to New York when you are somebody"

"You go to New York to become somebody; you to go Los Angeles to become famous"

"You got a sticker for voting. Bananas get a sticker for being bananas"

"You got a sticker for voting? Bananas get stickers for being bananas"

"You got stung by a bee? Why didn't you get stung by an A?"

"You gotta bake a lot of baked bads before you bake any baked goods"

"You gotta believe!" ("Ya gotta believe!")

"You Gotta Have Park" (Central Park Conservancy)

"You gotta hustle for the muscle"

"You gotta love it, baby!" (basketball catchphrase)

"You gotta throw the corn where the hogs can get it"

"You had me at hello" (Renée Zellweger in the film Jerry Maguire)

"You had one job" (meme)

"You hate your job? There's a support group that meets at the bar"

"You hate your job? There's a support group that meets at the bar"

"You have a friend at Chase Manhattan" (Chase Manhattan)

"You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved"

"You have been assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved"

You Have No Idea (El Paso slogan)

"You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide"

"You have three choices: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got"

"You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea"

"You have to be a contortionist in this economy to make ends meet"

"You have to be a little crazy to live in New York, but you’d be nuts to live anywhere else"

"You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch"

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince" (proverb)

"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else"

"You have to pay taxes so they protect you from what they'll do to you if you don't pay taxes"

"You have to put off being young until you can retire"

"You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason"

"You have to speculate to accumulate" (gambling proverb)

"You have two cows..." (Parable of the Isms)

"You have Van Gogh's ear for music" (no ear for music)

"You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running"

"You haven't lived until you died in New York"

"You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart"

"You knew summer was coming and you just kept eating"

"You knew summer was coming but you still kept eating"

"You knew summer was coming & u just kept eating"

"You know a restaurant is fancy when instead of bringing the bill, they bring the William"

"You know it’s bad when you don’t even get morning skinny anymore"

"You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold"

"You know it's real fall when Mallomars are out"

"You know it's tax season when you see a dancing Statue of Liberty on the street corner"

"You know it's tax season when you see a dancing Statue of Liberty on the street corner"

"You know it's time to clean out your purse when the car assumes it's a second passenger..."

"You know it's time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation"

"You know liberal brainwashing is real when you see white people protesting against white people"

"You know people think you are tall AND fat if they ask if you play football instead of basketball"

"You know summer is over when Mallomars are back on the shelf"

"You know that stash of food napkins in your glove box? It's their time to shine"

"You know the brainwashing is real when white people start protesting white people..."

"You know the brainwashing is real when white people protest against white people for being white"

"You know the food is expensive when the restaurant menu has no dollar signs"

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans." (George Carlin)

"You know those orange cones they put on the highway? I just beat my high score"

"You know what I mean, jelly bean?" (YKWIMJB)

"You know what it doesn't say in the Constitution? Give up your rights to appease crybaby liberals"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Alcohol"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Beer"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Bourdon"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Cabernet"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Champagne"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Gin"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Hennessy"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Liquor store"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Margarita"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Martini"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Merlot"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Mimosa"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Moscato"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Pie day"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Prosecco"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Rum"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Scotch"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Tequila"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Vodka"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Whiskey"

"You know what rhymes with Friday? Wine"

"You know what rhymes with golf? Beer"

"You know what rhymes with golf? Beer"

"You know what rhymes with golf? Wine"

"You know what rhymes with golf? Wine"

"You know what rhymes with Monday? Coffee"

"You know what sounds amazing for dinner? Anything I don't have to cook"

"You know what they say about cliffhangers"

"You know what they say about drinking too much tequila..."

"You know when something is lost when you check the fridge for it"

"You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown... Doughnuts never do that"

"You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy? Cookies don’t do that"

"You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days? It's the mask era"

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"

"You know you country if you can smell rain or snow"

"You know your life is boring when you only wear work clothes and bed clothes"

"You know you're at a gay barbecue when the wieners taste like shit"

"You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on"

"You know you're drinking too much coffee when you don't sweat, you percolate"

"You know you're drunk when you put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN"

"You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN"

"You know you're from the country if you can smell the rain coming"

"You know you're getting old when you hear your favorite song in an elevator"

"You know you're getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work"

"You know you're getting old when 'friends with benefits' means someone who can drive at night"

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"

"You know you're getting old, when you look at the clock to see if it's late enough to go to bed"

"You know you're getting older when it feels like the morning after, but there was no night before"

"You know you’re good friends with someone when you know your way around their kitchen"

"You know you're in a bear market when people are losing money but feeling pretty good about it"

"You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans"

"You know you're old when you clean to the music you used to drink to"

"You learn to read, and then you read to learn"

"You lift, you lose" (drag racing adage)

"You look like I could use a drink" ("You look like I need another drink")

"You made it out of bed! Congratulations! You deserve a coffee for that!"

"You make more money selling advice than following it"

"You make your money in stocks, you keep it in bonds" (Wall Street adage)

"You manage things; you lead people"

"You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy"

"You Matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy"

"You may all go to hell and I will go to Texas" (Davy Crockett)

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it"

"You may test that assumption at your convenience"

"You may test that assumption at your earliest convenience"

"You meditate for 20 minutes a day, unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour"

"You might as well go ahead and pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagna.' Nothing matters anymore"

"You might as well go ahead and pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagne.' Nothing matters anymore"

"You might as well go ahead and pronounce the 'P' in 'raspberry.' Nothing matters anymore"

"You might as well just pronounce the 'L' in 'salmon.' Nothing really matters anymore"

"You might be a hillbilly if you think 'lol' means low on liquor"

"You might be a redneck if you think 'lol' means low on liquor"

"You might be Texan if you base your restaurant decisions on its chips and salsa"

"You might be Texan if you base your restaurant decisions on its chips and salsa"

"You might live in Texas if you shovel snow and need to mow your yard in the same week"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" (hockey adage)

"You miss 100 percent of the espresso shots you don't take"

"You must continue to gain expertise, but avoid thinking like an expert"

"You must have a great camera" (photography joke)

"You must have great pots and pans" (joke)

"You must have long-range goals to keep from being frustrated by short-range failures"

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip"

"You need the ball to score" (football adage)

"You need to get a vaccine that doesn’t work so the vaccine I got that doesn’t work will work"

"You need to love your freedom more than you're scared of a germ"

"You never cut funny" (scriptwriting adage)

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression"

"You never hear skinny people saying, 'I'm just small boned'"

"You never know how out of shape you are until you try to get back in shape"

"You never know how strong you are until you're home alone and have to open your own pickles"

"You never know how strong you are until your power steering goes out"

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

"You never know what you’ll see when you come to the ballpark" (baseball adage)

"You never realize how anti-social you are until there's a pandemic and your life doesn't change"

"You never realize how bumpy a road is until you try to take a drink of something"

"You never realize how bumpy a road is until you try to write something"

"You never realize how bumpy the road is until you drive on it with a full bladder"

"You never realize how long a minute is until you're exercising"

"You never realize how long a minute is until you're exercising"

"You never really hear about anyone stress-eating vegetables"

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive"

"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste"

"You no longer associate bridges over rivers with water" (Texas heat joke)

"You only get paid for done"

"You only have a gambling problem if you lose" ("It's only a gambling problem if you're losing")

"You only live once. Lick the bowl"

"You ordered pepper only" (pepperoni pizza joke)

"You put it down like New York City. I never sleep"

"You pays your money and you takes your choice"

"You people who have just one glass of wine... What's that like?"

"You realize that asphalt has a liquid state" (Texas heat joke)

"You remind me of a penny -- two-faced and not worth much"

"You remind me of a penny -- two-faced and worthless"

"You remind me of a penny -- worthless and found in everyone's pants"

"You run around for 90 minutes and the Germans win" (soccer saying)

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank" (joke)

"You said you liked month puns. Why'd July to me?"

"You say alcoholism, I say liver crossfit"

"You say drunk and disorderly. I say spirited and spontaneous"

"You say potato, I say vodka"

"You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" (to do one another favors)

"You should be able to redeem brownie points for actual brownies"

"You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"

"You should get an employee discount for using self-checkout in a store"

"You should invest like a Catholic marries -- for life" (Warren Buffett)

"You should never sacrifice three things: your family, your heart, or your dignity"

"You should try anything once -- except incest and folk dancing"

"You shouldn’t need a medical exemption to opt out of something..."

"You shouldn't need an exemption to opt out of a medical procedure..."

"You simply cannot leave those who created the problem in chare of the solution!"

"You sound vaccinated"

"You stay compliant. I'll stay defiant"

"You stay safe. I'll stay free"

"You talk shit about cops now, but just wait until a guy breaks into your house..."

"You there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy beast you! We have been looking for you since Monday!"

"You there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! We been looking for you since Monday!"

"You think 2020 was bad? Just wait until it turns 21 and starts drinking"

"You think you are not educated enough to teach your own children, so..."

"You thought dogs were hard to train? Look at all the humans who can’t sit and stay"

"You throw away the outside and keep the inside, then you eat the outside and throw away the inside"

"You told me the tacos were Keto."/"I said these are taquitos."

"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol; you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol"

"You unsubscribed from our email list. Our unsubscribe donkey, Kevin, will begin his journey…"

"You unsubscribed from our email list. Our unsubscribe donkey, Pepe, will begin his journey..."

"You usually don't know how poorly you swept until you start mopping"

"You wanna pizza me?"

"You want men to stop staring at your boobs? Eat a banana"

"You want to be sick enough to stay home, but well enough to enjoy video games"

"You want to be too sick for school, but well enough to play video games"

"You want to hear a coronavirus joke? You probably won't get it"

"You want to hear a Social Security joke? You probably won't get it"

"You want to hear an Ebola joke? You probably won't get it"

"You want to know how old you really feel? Stop drinking caffeine and taking ibuprofen..."

"You want to see social distancing? Lend them some money"

"You wash dishes, and two weeks later you have to do it again"

"You were born a cow, but now you are a fish" (joke)

"You were designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness"

"You will be happier if you will give people a bit of your heart rather than a piece of your mind"

"You will find the key to success under the alarm clock"

"You will never always be motivated. You have to learn to be disciplined"

"You will never find justice in a world where criminals make the law"

"You will never find justice in a world where criminals make the laws"

"You will never leave a bigger carbon footprint as the celebrities that lecture you about yours"

"You will never leave a bigger carbon footprint than the celebrities that lecture you about yours"

"You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out"

"You won’t take a vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it? Name ingredients in Pop Tarts"

"You wouldn't worry about what people may think of you if you could know how seldom they do"

YouBoob (YouTube nickname)

"You'd be amazed at how many times I fucked around without finding a single thing out"

"You’d think the bathrooms at Bed Bath, & Beyond would be much nicer"

"You’d think the self-checkout lanes would have more mirrors"

"You'll have a whole eternity to think inside the box"

"You'll lose money chasing women, but you'll never lose women chasing money"

You'll Love Lufkin (Lufkin motto/slogan)

"You'll never find justice in a country where criminals make the rules"

"You'll never find justice in a land where criminals make all the rules"

"You'll never find justice in a world where criminals make all the rules"

"You’ll never get rich working at a rubber dog shit factory, but you’ll make doo"

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be"

"You'll own nothing. And you'll be happy" (Great Reset)

"Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth"

"Your bank account is the adult version of your report card"

"Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled"

"Your best bet is a vet" (military veterans saying)

"Your best teacher is your last mistake"

"Your best thinking got you here" (Alcoholics Anonymous saying)

"'Your bill is ready to view' well I’m not ready to view it"

"Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside"

"Your Broadway and Mine" (Walter Winchell poem)

"Your call is important to us. But not important enough for us to employ staff to answer it"

"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line..." (joke)

"Your car's been keyed. The good news is that the damage looks to B minor"

"Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your calendar, your alarm clock..."

"Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your watch, your calendar..."

"Your cell phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar, and alarm clock..."

"Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot" (bumper sticker)

"Your credit card pays for things with future hours of your life"

"Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn"

"Your debit card pays for things with past hours of your life"

"Your fast food can be your last food"

"Your feet are hurting because u r kicking so much ass"

"Your finest Scotch, please" (Scotch tape joke)

"Your finest Scotch, please" (Scotch tape joke)

"Your glass is empty. Would you like another?"/"Why would I want two empty glasses?"

"Your government is imploding. Stay calm and make your way to the nearest conspiracy theorist"

"Your government scares the shit out of you in order to take away your freedom"

"Your government thinks you're an idiot. Please stop trying to prove them right"

"Your grandfather didn't sleep in a foxhole in a far away land...so you would surrender your guns"

"Your grandfather didn't sleep in a foxhole...so you would have to show papers to buy food"

"Your grasshoppers (kangaroos) are bigger than ours" (Texas-Australia size joke)

"Your habits are driving your performance. Your rituals are creating your results"

"Your health is an investment, not an expense"

"Your ignorance is their power"

"Imagination is everything; it is the preview of life's coming attractions"

"Your kilt should be short enough for dancing a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms"

"Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change"

"Your life is your message to the world. Make sure it's inspiring"

"Your mama is the reason this town is called The Big Easy" ("yo mama" joke)

"Your mask protects me. My mask protects you"

"Your meme has just entered the meme relocation program"

"Your Merry Christmas depends on what others do for you; New Year on what you do for others"

"Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds..."

"Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does. That's why I think of jogging every day"

"Your money was working for you, but it suddenly quit and now it's working for me!"

"Your money or your life!"/"I'm thinking it over."

"Your mother wears army boots!" (insult)

"Your mother wears army shoes!" (insult)

"Your mother wears combat boots!" (insult)

"Your Neighborhood Store And So Much More" (Key Food)

"'Your network connection is unstable'-- yeah well so am I and I still work"

"Your network is your net worth"

"Your News Now" (News 8 Austin slogan)

"Your obedience is prolonging this nightmare"

"Your pay raise becomes effective when you do"

"Your purchase of $19.99 comes to $21.36 after theft"

"Your round."/"So are you, you fat bastard!" (bar joke)

Your safety matters to us

"Your salary is the bribe they give you to forget your dreams"

"Your self-worth is more important than your net worth"

"Your stomach shouldn't be a waist basket"

"Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed"

"Your strengths get you into the playoffs, but your weaknesses are what will eliminate you"

"Your tax dollars at work"

"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth"

"Your vibe attracts your tribe"

"You're a fake, a phony, and a fraud" (talk radio catchphrase)

"You're all wrong. The earth isn't flat or round. It's fucked"

"You're all wrong. The earth isn't round or flat. It's fucked"

"You're being conditioned to believe freedom is selfish"

"You're brew-tiful" (brew + beautiful)

"You're celebrating today because regular citizens had military grade weapons"

"You're crazy to everyone who can't manipulate you"

"You're either a contrarian or a victim"

"You're either in Luck or you're out of Luck" (Luck city slogan)

"You're either selling wins or you're selling hope" (sports adage)

"You're fired!" (Donald Trump)

"You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it." (Men's Wearhouse)

"You're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price" (joke)

"You're gonna get spoiled" (Beefsteak Charlie's)

"You're in Texas -- it's a local call (to God)" (joke)

"You’re legally allowed to park in a handicap spot if you get back with your ex more than twice"

"You're like school in July -- no class"

"You're more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to actually win"

"You’re more likely to divorce than to switch bank accounts"

"You're never more than two weeks away from a drought"

"You're never too old to beg for free candy" (Halloween saying)

"You're never too old to learn something stupid"

"You're never too old to play in the leaves"

"You're not a civil-rights hero if you're begging the State to take freedoms away"

"You're not a firework. Don't drive lit"

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on"

"You're not lactose intolerant. You're just not a baby cow"

"You're not old until the local 'oldies' station is playing your high school songs"

"You're only as good as your last trade" (Wall Street adage)

"You're only as good as your second serve" (tennis adage)

"You're only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on & the friends you party with"

"You're only one workout away from a good mood"

"You're redneck if entertainment is a bug zapper and a six-pack"

"You're so dumb, you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company" (joke)

"You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school, she was fined for littering"

"You're telling me a chicken fried this rice?" (chicken fried rice joke)

"You're telling me a whore made these derves?"

"You're the apple to my pie"

"You're the cheese to my macaroni"

"You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi...worthless"

"You're too blessed to be stressed"

"You're too old to try and ride that skateboard!"/Me -- "Hold my Ensure."

"You're wondering about the floor in my building where we go to tell jokes? Funny story..."

Yourgage (your + mortgage)

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve"

Youthquake or Youth Quake (youth + earthquake)

"You've got to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat"

"You've got to hand it to relay runners"

"You've got to make contacts to make contracts"

"You've Tried the Rest, Now Try the Best"

YOYO Economics ("You're On Your Own")

Yoyos or Yo-Yos (Mexican pastries)

"Yuan some, you lose some" (Chinese yuan puns)

Yuge (huge)

Yuglies (young + ugly; Dallas Cowboys offensive line)

"'Yum, kipper!' -- a Jewish man enjoying his breakfast on the Day of Atonement"

Yum (Yum-Yum; Yummy; Yumptious; Yum-O)

Yupper West Side

Yuppie

Za (pizza)

Zagat (Za-GAT)

Zagateer

Zapplesauce

Zebra (420 West 42nd Street)

Zebra (sports official who wears a black-and-white-striped shirt)

"Zeno walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Zeppelin Sandwich (Zep Sandwich)

Zero (financial industry worker who doesn't receive an annual bonus)

Zero Hedgie or Zero Head (Zero Hedge blog reader)

Zero U (Oklahoma University)

ZeroCred (Zero Hedge nickname)

Zerok ("fork" with no prong/tine)

ZioHedge (Zionism/Zionist + Zero Hedge)

Ziomedia (Zionism/Zionist + media)

Ziomerica (Zionism + America)

Zionist World Order (Zionist + New World Order); ZWO

Zipper

ZIRP (Zero Interest Rate Policy)

ZIRP4EVA (ZIRP + forever)

Zombie Bank

Zombie (cocktail)

Zombie Title

Zombieconomy (Zombie Economy)

"Zombies hate fast food"

Zombtree (Zombie Tree)

Zoo Lots Avenue (New Lots Avenue, Brooklyn)

Zoo School (Urban Assembly School for Wildlife Conservation)

Zoo York

Zoombie (Zoom + zombie)

Zoominar (Zoom + seminar)

"Zoos are elaborate prisons for animals who aren't delicious"

"Zoot (noun): when you toot on a zoom call"

"Zucchini noodles are a fun replacement for pasta if you want to not enjoy your meal anymore"

"Zucchini noodles taste like settling for a husband who isn’t funny but has a good job"

"Zucchini sounds more like a pasta than a vegetable"

Zucchini Sticks

"Zucchini: Vegetable that can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it"

Zuccotti Lung

Zydecajun (zydeco + Cajun)

Zydeco